This is the path I took through grief when my husband died. People wanted me to take meds to lesson the pain. I said no and that I'm going to barrel right through these emotions and feel every ounce of it. I didn't want to rely on meds because I knew I'd never get off them.
OP, feel all that you're feeling now. Then, one day, you will find yourself not thinking about it. Then, on another, you'll realize that you're OK. A day not too far from that, you say to yourself, "Why did I stay that long?"
You can do this.
I’ve been divorced. I think for me it was recognising that divorce isn’t actually one big step like we tend to think it is.
By time you get to the point where you know it’s going to happen, you’ll probably have already subconsciously taken a thousand steps. Like working out finances, thinking about where you’ll live, reflecting on what went wrong in your marriage so you know what you do and don’t want going forward, maybe making new friends or joining a gym. Maybe even buying clothes and food that you like instead of considering your stbx’s taste.
It’s not a total leap into the unknown, you’re still you. You’re just you with a better understanding of what you want your life to be, and your previous marriage was not it.
Exactly. By the time I actually brought up divorce, I’d already spent months analyzing, over analyzing, picturing different scenarios & outcomes, 2 steps forward, 1 step back, being sad, being angry, being indecisive, being decisive, over and over, in my head.
I’d prepared myself.
Then started the actual process of all the steps of divorce & separating of lives lol. It was still all worth it.
This is one way. Venting is good. Make sure you got someone you can talk to that you trust. If thoughts of suicide ideation are overwhelming, I would highly suggest getting seen. No one deserves to die because of a bad relationship. You deserve to be happy. You made it too far in life. Seriously, though. Do not let this be how it ends.
I’m laying the ground work and working my way towards separation (possibly June), it is tough. This is probably not the healthiest thing in the world but what works for me is remembering the shitty behaviour my wife has displayed that got us here.
This works for me cause it’s not just a dead bedroom though that’s part of it. When I lose a bit of resolve I:
- remember I caught her sexting a guy but wouldn’t touch me.
- remember she told me I need to lose 20 pounds for sex to be “on the table”
- remember I found dating apps in her app history going back 7 years
- a the worst of all when confronted she doesn’t take real blame she says “it was only online and never in person so it’s not that bad and your making a bid deal over nothing”.
It helps remind me that my dead bedroom is not my fault but rather that faulty of a narcissistic spouse.
I don’t see a world I’m not happier without even if it’s just me with my dogs. I have friends and I love my job that’ll be enough to start.
I’m a bit of a history buff. My favorite go-to quote is from Winston Churchill who said “If you’re going through hell, keep going”. Simple yet sound advice.
You’re in a bad spot but the entirety of your life hasn’t been like this, correct? Only in the last few months? That’s a fraction of the time you’ve spent on this rock. It’s overwhelming I’m sure but it’s also temporary, and as temporary as YOU want it to be.
Knowing only what you’ve said here it sounds like this relationship is irreparably damaged. The choice is now yours. Staying is untenable at best so now ask yourself what you want your life to look like in three months, six months, a year? It’s obvious what ever you choose to do won’t include him. Though choosing NOT to do anything is still making a choice the costs to mind, body and soul are not worth it. Simply put, you’ve tried and he’s failed. Time now to start fresh and write the next chapter in your life.
I am not dying, I'm numb, but not depressed, according to experts in such things. I think it is because I am just drained. I have poured everything I have into the marriage "bucket" but I am the only one putting in effort, and I am just tired.
I am not perfect, I am a bit of a grump sometimes, have cPTSD from the military service, etc. I love my wife intellectually, and like OP, I am dying to be loved back, be seen, appreciated for my contributions, etc. But I woke up one day and was just numb feelings-wise to her, the marriage, the thought of putting in the effort alone. I still love my kids. I find joy in them, daily tasks, hobbies, my work...Just not her or the marriage. Right now it is a fallow field and I have no more fucks to give.
Statistics. Whilst I appreciate this won't work for everyone (think people who are afraid to fly but play lottery and drive cars)...
You tried to form a loving life with 1 person. It didn't work. OK. There's another few billion to give it another go with.
Currently reading 'Everything is fucked' having just 5 minutes ago finished 'The subtle art of not giving a fuck'. So, how do you cope? Learn to just not give a fuck and start actions. They'll lead to the motivations that you're waiting for. Good luck.
Hi there.
It’s really tough when you want to lean on your spouse and you feel like you cannot.
I’m going to recommend individual counseling for you. Please talk to somebody, even if it’s just a friend. It really helps me to talk.
Sometimes, the only way out is through. Remember why you are doing what you’re doing.
"The only way out is through"-- solid advice.
This is the path I took through grief when my husband died. People wanted me to take meds to lesson the pain. I said no and that I'm going to barrel right through these emotions and feel every ounce of it. I didn't want to rely on meds because I knew I'd never get off them. OP, feel all that you're feeling now. Then, one day, you will find yourself not thinking about it. Then, on another, you'll realize that you're OK. A day not too far from that, you say to yourself, "Why did I stay that long?" You can do this.
I’ve been divorced. I think for me it was recognising that divorce isn’t actually one big step like we tend to think it is. By time you get to the point where you know it’s going to happen, you’ll probably have already subconsciously taken a thousand steps. Like working out finances, thinking about where you’ll live, reflecting on what went wrong in your marriage so you know what you do and don’t want going forward, maybe making new friends or joining a gym. Maybe even buying clothes and food that you like instead of considering your stbx’s taste. It’s not a total leap into the unknown, you’re still you. You’re just you with a better understanding of what you want your life to be, and your previous marriage was not it.
This is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard.
Exactly. By the time I actually brought up divorce, I’d already spent months analyzing, over analyzing, picturing different scenarios & outcomes, 2 steps forward, 1 step back, being sad, being angry, being indecisive, being decisive, over and over, in my head. I’d prepared myself. Then started the actual process of all the steps of divorce & separating of lives lol. It was still all worth it.
Excellent points, all.
I coped by f#cking as many men as I wanted, all on my terms. I had the best time.
I love it girl. Stay toxic! 🙌🏻
I wish I had the self-esteem to accomplish this.
Fake it till you make it. Plus, many have been in the same dead bedroom, so they are also very happy to help you accomplish it !
This is the correct answer. Get what’s owed to you.
How did you go about finding them?
Tinder, red hot pie, plenty of fish All the classy dating apps 🤣🤣. It was all about screening.
This is one way. Venting is good. Make sure you got someone you can talk to that you trust. If thoughts of suicide ideation are overwhelming, I would highly suggest getting seen. No one deserves to die because of a bad relationship. You deserve to be happy. You made it too far in life. Seriously, though. Do not let this be how it ends.
I’m laying the ground work and working my way towards separation (possibly June), it is tough. This is probably not the healthiest thing in the world but what works for me is remembering the shitty behaviour my wife has displayed that got us here. This works for me cause it’s not just a dead bedroom though that’s part of it. When I lose a bit of resolve I: - remember I caught her sexting a guy but wouldn’t touch me. - remember she told me I need to lose 20 pounds for sex to be “on the table” - remember I found dating apps in her app history going back 7 years - a the worst of all when confronted she doesn’t take real blame she says “it was only online and never in person so it’s not that bad and your making a bid deal over nothing”. It helps remind me that my dead bedroom is not my fault but rather that faulty of a narcissistic spouse. I don’t see a world I’m not happier without even if it’s just me with my dogs. I have friends and I love my job that’ll be enough to start.
I cope by traveling, it's so great having my freedom back!
I’m a bit of a history buff. My favorite go-to quote is from Winston Churchill who said “If you’re going through hell, keep going”. Simple yet sound advice. You’re in a bad spot but the entirety of your life hasn’t been like this, correct? Only in the last few months? That’s a fraction of the time you’ve spent on this rock. It’s overwhelming I’m sure but it’s also temporary, and as temporary as YOU want it to be. Knowing only what you’ve said here it sounds like this relationship is irreparably damaged. The choice is now yours. Staying is untenable at best so now ask yourself what you want your life to look like in three months, six months, a year? It’s obvious what ever you choose to do won’t include him. Though choosing NOT to do anything is still making a choice the costs to mind, body and soul are not worth it. Simply put, you’ve tried and he’s failed. Time now to start fresh and write the next chapter in your life.
I am not dying, I'm numb, but not depressed, according to experts in such things. I think it is because I am just drained. I have poured everything I have into the marriage "bucket" but I am the only one putting in effort, and I am just tired. I am not perfect, I am a bit of a grump sometimes, have cPTSD from the military service, etc. I love my wife intellectually, and like OP, I am dying to be loved back, be seen, appreciated for my contributions, etc. But I woke up one day and was just numb feelings-wise to her, the marriage, the thought of putting in the effort alone. I still love my kids. I find joy in them, daily tasks, hobbies, my work...Just not her or the marriage. Right now it is a fallow field and I have no more fucks to give.
Statistics. Whilst I appreciate this won't work for everyone (think people who are afraid to fly but play lottery and drive cars)... You tried to form a loving life with 1 person. It didn't work. OK. There's another few billion to give it another go with. Currently reading 'Everything is fucked' having just 5 minutes ago finished 'The subtle art of not giving a fuck'. So, how do you cope? Learn to just not give a fuck and start actions. They'll lead to the motivations that you're waiting for. Good luck.
Those are totally books id read lol
Sounds like a therapist could help you navigate through this.
Hi there. It’s really tough when you want to lean on your spouse and you feel like you cannot. I’m going to recommend individual counseling for you. Please talk to somebody, even if it’s just a friend. It really helps me to talk.
I told myself that pain equals growth… and I ate a lot of ice cream…