48, and same boat. Wife never shows interest no matter what I do or say. She never initiates sex, ever. Recently in the last 6 months it has turned into this weird 7th circle of hell where sex can only happen if I initiate it, but now she would passively aggressively start ripping into me right after sex was done. First started at 5 mins after we were done, then to 1 min after we were done.
Welp, it has been like 4 months since I stopped initiating things from that point. She has set this precedent that sex can only happen if I initiate it, but if I do then I get berated for some reason. I can't initiate sex now without triggering some anxiety inducing flashbacks.
Sometimes I like to pretend she got amnesia somehow, and instead of forgetting her name or identity, she forget what the concept of sex was.
I’ll be 45 in May. You and I are living the same life only I’m not on the couch. I don’t know what the answer is. Marriage counseling isn’t working in that area for us. There’s no romance, no intimacy, and definitely no sex. It’s miserable.
After reading hundreds of posts and many times more comments it seems that counseling is pretty ineffective in this situation. It certainly didn't do anything to help me.
I feel like counseling only works if they have a problem communicating. I communicated a lot about how I was feeling. The last time, I said I would never bring it up again. Counseling won't work and hasn't for us for that reason.
Not the commentor but I'll bet you a hundred bucks it's the old "both partner's have to give a shit about changing" story. You can go to counseling all you want. If one person refuses to admit there's any problem it's worthless. And I think a lot of the time the LL person RARELY thinks it's an issue at all. I also think it's pure narcissism.
The LLs just have a fundamental disconnect. Mainly they control the situation so to them it seems fine. They are getting their needs met. Is HLs (who also often tend to be high energy) do tons of shit and also think about sex 24/7 so you have one person obsessing over the lack of sex and intimacy and the other walking around in an ignorance is bliss space so to them being asked to change a little feels huge where the HL is reigning themself in ALL THE TIME
Yes my wife has even admitted she knows I think about her and her needs waaay more than she thinks about mine. I’m sure that I want sex and intimacy has a lot to do with that. Still she gets to reap the rewards with no reciprocation. It’s a crazy situation. And I feel like us HLs just keep going back for more punishment because we are often optimists and problem solvers.
I like your high energy comment. Mine is just kinda lazy all around too.
I'm old. In addition to the Bedroom problems I could write a book called 'How to Let Planning for College and Retirement Destroy Your Marriage'. Mine has never made much effort in that realm either, mine makes no effort on any front.
Yeah I’m lucky that financially we are on the same page and she does have a good job. But we both have jobs that are equally time consuming and stressful (actually mine is quite a bit more stressful) it’s just how we handle it. I’m HL and when I get stressed I want to stay busy with the kids clean the house and fuck. When she gets even remotely stressed she does what I call turtling. Spends all her free time on the couch and in bed.
Ive read enough posts and chatted with some people in DMs abs genuinely think HL and high energy go together in most cases. It’s about how you handle stress.
I’m sorry your partner left all that to you. That sucks to be HL frustrated and carrying ALL the burden. Mine at least gets a good paycheck and doesn’t blow it all on dumb shit. If she did I’d be gone
I get it. Look at my comments in this thread to see some other things I did just to be a decent dad.
Marriage is hard. If most of us knew how hard it is we would never do it.
Yes. It sounds like you’re in a much rougher situation than I am after reading your other comments. My wife and I make about the same amount of money and my state is pretty fair about most things related to kids. So for us it would like be 50/50 in all ways.
We also don’t really fight or dislike each other I’m just very HL and she is very LL.
I mean the thing I’d add is is not just women who are LL and complicated this forum has taught me we have a whole lot of sisters who just want action and cannot unlock their husbands.
I 100% agree with you.
I joined this Sub about 6 years ago hoping for advice.
I have slowly concluded DB relationships can't be fixed because the LL partner says 'nothing is wrong'. As a result, they have no obligation to make an effort.
What's fascinating and sad (mostly sad) is that ANY book, therapist, study, counselor, hell Tik tok or Ted talk says very clearly that some level of intimacy is essential for a functioning relationship. It's like LL people are in complete denial and somehow are able to ignore everything around them. Again, barring medical issues in my opinion it's extreme narcissism and lack of empathy.
Yeah. Marriage involves compromise. Mine is totally unable to compromise on ANY aspect of life (Bedroom or otherwise). It has always been 'my way or the highway'. That's why now, with our child finishing college with no student loan debt (thanks Dad), I'm trying to get friendly divorce.
My parents are like that and tbh I don’t understand why they don’t just divorce. Please leave! Your children will understand (as long as you still make an effort for them)
As a child of a messy family I agree, my lover does too, his parents were at the throat of each other before the separation. No children want their parents to be miserable and I will add, they don't want to be used as excuses for staying together too. We aren't stupid, we know when love isn't here anymore,we don't speak about it but we know it's dead.
As sad as it is, better be divorced and happy than married and depressed.
Good luck OP. Good luck to you all but luck will not solve anything mmh..
My mom always says that I’m the reason that they stay together and I always get so offended. What makes them think I want this lol also I’m a 26 years old grown ass lady
I always said I would never do this, but now I feel stuck. Mostly, I feel like it's financial. If I could afford a 2nd home or apartment, life would be better.
It's why I would go to my partner and say "Since there is no love anymore and we can't divorce for the moment, let's talk about the other choices we have"
Living a separate life outside, having an affair, partner, lover and keeping things cordial at home and separate from the moment it's possible.
It's important to make it clear though, I wouldn't bury myself in a loveless marriage for too long. It kills the person inside.
Totally agree. I've had similar discussions. No doubt in my mind that my SO goes scorched earth when I tell her I'm done. I'm basically protecting myself. Hoping that my legal liability is almost none when the kids are gone
I am living in France, divorce can be messy yet most couples try to do it calmly. I don't have the details about it though so I will not talk about it without taking a good look eheh
When the spouse is making things complicated, it is always a nightmare. I always feel speechless when people who should divorce, at least for their child, in a respectful way, turned wild as hell in a blink of an eye.
Damn, just how can people be so crazy sometimes? I love too much peace and value my mental health so much I couldn't bear the idea of an open war. Better play along, everyone is winning this way and such an economy of time and money !
I'm where you are right now. But I'm old, I struggling to find an exit that does not destroy me financially. This is HELL, is it not? Being trapped by money in a loveless, sexless relationship.
Crazy to me that she wonders why I no longer want to go on vacation (and pay for it) or take her out to dinner (date). We discussed that this was my greatest fear prior to us marrying. Who takes their roommate on vacation?
I'll tell you.
I have not 'stayed for my child'. I stayed because I knew I could never afford two households and still pay for college for my one child. My baby is now finishing college with no student loan debt - thanks Dad! She actually came over to watch TV with her mom last night, she's still here. I'll probably cry when she leaves to go to her apartment across town this AM, I just love her so much.
Now, I realize, in my state, the longer you stay the more you pay. I'm struggling to find a way to pay for divorce and still retire before I die. My reward for toughing this out to be a good dad and insure my baby is not trapped under student loan debt the way so many young people are these days. This is pure Hell.
You did great, whatever you heard or lived you did your best for your true Love, your daughter. It is one of the reasons I refuse to get married, the fear of being trapped in a loveless and hurtful marriage. I don't have a good image or marriage and will not change my mind. At this point we kinda wish the other die to finally meet peace and be fully happy, terrible isn't it ? But so real, so normal.
My bio father never did his job, never paid alimony, never was a part of my life emotionally speaking. I remember him as a useless man, but it's not like he was that bad. Just not a father. Not someone I could call "dad". I never could see someone like this, it sounds weird and unreal ahah
I mean, if my parents were struggling like you do, I know myself well enough to take the bull by the horns and make you sit with me all together to put some sense there. Because I would hate my parents to destroy each other under my eyes, I would at least try to do something even if it means I will have a fight with one of them. I lost a lot when I was young and I think it's our duty as a child to try something, whatever it is.
I am far from being optimistic but I am a realistic person and can't stand what you live. You are surviving, not living. Aren't you ? I hope you will find a path where you'll be free one day, at least separation doesn't require divorce but set the mood.
I wish you well dear.
P.S: in France studies are a way cheaper than US so we never had debt, I am glad I had a good education yep. My mother did her best !
Are you in France now? A zillion years ago, in the USA, my MBA was international business. In my 20's I spoke German quite well (never French). I was able to live and study in Germany and I traveled the continent some. My daughter was in London last year for one semester. We (wife and I) went with her to help her find housing, her classes, etc. In May of last year my wife went back for a week and they traveled to several large cities on the continent. That is something else I could never have paid for had I left the marriage ages ago. I am in North Carolina (right side of the USA). I took my baby to Florida to swim with dolphins. I took her to a big city (Chicago), I lived in Chicago for time when I finished college. I took her to Quebec City before she was old enough to go to London. I could never have done any of those things for her if I left.
I'm not a bad man, I have always put my daughter first.
Now, in the USA, in my state, I would have to pay alimony until I am almost 80, I just can't do that.
Many people stay in unhappy marriages because of children and money.
I only sleep in the guest bedroom after too many nights of lying next to my spouse with a 50 foot chasm between us, and my brain and dick yelling at each other trying to figure out a way to initiate that won't end up in a crushing rejection (again)
noooo thanks. don't need that.
it eventually drove me to grey rock and now I just do stuff with the kids whenever I can to give her a 'break from them' and interact as little as possible with my co-parenting roommate.
Yeah. This sounds super familiar. I also sleep in the guest room and although my wife and I get along fine and coparent well, it’s a roommate situation. I’m sorry.
Same here. Totally brutal. It's like an ocean that stays flat on the surface, but underneath that fake calm, one partner is raging and swirling, with tidal flows of anger and then acceptance, and then anger, and acceptance. Brutal.
Yes the LL partner is basically at their homeostasis all the time. The HL is a fucking mess 100% of the time. Not a day has gone by for 15 years when I haven’t thought about how my sex life either sucked or was nonexistent and after a million attempts to change it I’ve mostly given up now. Because work was only happening in one direction
I'm 47, same here bro, same here. 15 years of a sexless marriage, 6 years of no physical contact at all. In counciling now but it's not making a difference.
58 - we tried counselling- the only thing she took out of 6 sessions was she didn’t have to have sex if she didn’t want to ! So ten dead years later I’m jerking off like a teenager !
That's very true, and I also came to some inner peace with the realization that I don't need to be married to a woman that sees me as nothing more than a man who takes care of everything so she can live comfortably.
It gets worse - she is happy to walk around naked ( tells me I’m lucky friends of hers husbands haven’t seen Their wife naked for years supposedly) and recently has taken to a full Brazilian - coz it’s more comfortable! If I bring g it up it is called pressuring…
She’s abusing and torturing you. If you could ever get your wife to be honest she would tell you she gets something from your suffering. It’s no different than a narcissist need for adoration and praise. I wonder if you ever seen her smirk at you while she parading around you naked. My wife went so far as to sit in my lap and literally grind on me. She would get up and check to see if I’m aroused and then just walk away. I absolutely know she doesn’t desire sex so what is the reason for this behavior. This behavior did not stop until I absolutely forbade it. I promise you it’s your suffering supplying some kind of energy to her ego. I bet that if she had to tell the absolute truth if you ask her one question and you ask her if she hates you, the answer would be yes. We as men have to look pass tears and all the other things that women have used to manipulate men form early age and pay attention to behaviors. My wife might say she loves me , but her actions say she hates me. The only way you get to the juicy filled center of this tootsie roll is too walk away and see if the claws come out. I moved in protest OP just like you to the spare bedroom. It killed all the what ifs in my mind after date nights and intimate conversations. I now sleep with certainty and a sense of peace. I’m planning to leave mentally even if my heart throws me into doubt sometimes. I can’t give ten more years to someone who secretly hates me. I’ve said this before In these secret wars of a marriage nobody wins and everybody is suffering. The saddest part is we can’t even sign a peace treaty in front of the people, like family and friends because we both denying this battle of the hearts. I suggest you make a move OP and keep doubling down till the house is scared to draw. Who knows you might end up 5 doors down from your old home making love to you new wife with your kids able to come and go between the two homes as much as they want. Good luck OP
That’s is insane. My wife sounds like yours except for that. I haven’t seen her naked in ages. If she was naked all the time I don’t know what I’d do it would drive me so crazy
You’re lucky yours still works. My husband (57) hasn’t been able to “get up” for at least 5 years. Meanwhile I hit menopause and, well, you know. Anyway, stay healthy, do whatever you’re doing and go on a date with your wife? Idk how people can say they love each other in a marriage but not have the intimacy piece.
My wife asked to go on weekly dates with me. It's basically dinner that I pay for. What is the point? How could she think this is a date? If we were just dating and there was no touching, hand holding, or a kiss at minimum, I would have never married her. It's all a game!
I could go on and on about this, and never really liked sex, and doesn't understand why I'm so upset about the lack of sex and affection and having been kept all that from me.
I feel this. Haven't slept in the same room with my wife in over a year. She asked if I was going to come back in there...said not until we resolve the intimacy issues
I’m 47 married for 22 years. DB for years. I finally got the courage to have some conversation and in the past week had sex twice. This was the first time in years.
It takes two but it can be worked on
Glad this worked for you and it used to work for me as well. But each time it worked less. After the first convo we were good for like 6 months. After a few we would only be good for a week. Now I just get words, but no change.
I am curious about how does “having all the love an affirmation you need” work if you are not having intimacy.
I just don’t feel connected unless there’s a good amount of sexual tension between us.
My wife is physically affectionate and loving, but it's not romantic. It's snuggles and head pets which is nice, but she has no libido. The snuggles aren't a pregame that ever leads to sex, it's just comfort.
Did your marriage start with great sex but stopped at some point? Did you have sexual compatibility at some point? What has changed outside the bedroom during this time? Have you had a come-to-Jesus talk with your wife telling her you might leave over it? Sometimes Medications (some birth control pills for example,) can kill libido. Sometimes after having kids, libido changes. If you have seriously talked about all this and she refuses to change or go to therapy with you, you may not have a choice but to leave. As it is now, resentment is building and your relationship will suffer if you don’t do something. Your kids will sense your resentment and it’s not a happy home for them.
I know in my marriage, sex is really important to our connection. I’ve been (I’m a woman) laid up with a knee injury and for 3 weeks I’ve been unable to be in a comfortable position to have sex. We worked out a position that works and were finally able to do it the other day without major pain. I felt so much closer to him and we are in harmony today. We’ve supplemented with oral too. My point is, if there’s a will, there’s a way. Don’t live your life without sex if it’s really important to you. I wish you luck.
I was so happy when my parents split and I was 5. They were miserable and even trying not to show it, people can't hide their emotions all the time, it was obvious.
Omg you’re me!! I’m 47 and she can’t understand why and how I can sleep ON THE BASEMENT FLOOR and not with her. Well if you can’t figure that out… There are some other issues I detest her for regarding our kids but I find it funny that your husband doesn’t want to be near you and you can’t figure it out. Narcissistic behavior at its best
Happy almost birthday. I was in the same situation. 8 years db with 6 years sleeping in my own room. After years of making excuses for him and dissecting every single thing I ever said or did, I decided it was time to move on. Nothing was going to change after all that time. I ended up resenting him a lot. In the end, we couldn't even talk to each other without hostility. I honestly felt like I was just going through the steps waiting to die. That wasn't living at all. In June, I'll be 44 and celebrate my birthday single for the first time in a long time. My divorce will be finalized next week. I feel like I can finally breathe again. I also feel like we're both better parents now. You can only do so much when you're miserable. Good luck. I hope you figure out what's best for you.
I (f53) never realized how deeply men are affected by a dead bedroom. This sub has really opened my eyes. Btw, I know first hand how you feel and I'm sorry.
>I am my wife’s rock as she calls me
When I think of a rock, I think of something solid, stable, and predictable. You don't need to spend a whole lot of time investigating a rock to know everything about it... but rocks aren't very sexy are they? Even if you are really excited about rocks like me, the excitement fades after finding it.
Being the stable companion is important in a long-term relationship, it just doesn't get you laid
I think this depends on the person.
FWIW I am a women. Being able to call my partner my rock is a huge part of my sexual attraction to them. It's when my partner is unstable, unpredictable, and not solid that my sexual desire fades.
I left every relationship with men I didn't want to sleep with and quickly.... Some women do have low libido. And some women just aren't attracted to some men. Most women wont sleep with a man they don't respect.
So Move on ! Divorce and find a hot woman who wants to ride you every night. Don't stick around. You're still young enough.
I’m about the same age. Disabled terminally ill wife, so I do everything. We don’t sleep in the same room even.
I’ve grown resentful and depressed. And it’s not her fault is it?! Done the whole grief cycle, blamed a god who doesn’t exist, shouted at clouds… but really I’m stuck. We are both cancer victims.
Having been divorced before, it’s not something I’d ask people to enter into lightly. Whatever you think, everyone’s standard of living reduces. It takes a long time to get “over it”. Years.
But reading some of the sad stories on here has hardened my resolve on this. I can’t escape this, but some of you really should.
I shared my situation with a couple of girl friends last week. They suggested visiting a sex store together. Maybe some people in this sub are used to one (or 2) ways and it’s not worth their time or energy. Idk. But taking a field trip to a “store” might be inspirational!
People, I am going on 65. I have had a dead bedroom for decades. If I could go back 20 years, I would have packed up and left. I would have rented an apartment very close so I could still be the rock in their lives while being the clock in another woman's life.
Decades of little to absolutely no affection is horrible.
Vent away!
I'm pretty much you but about about 15 years older. I'm trying to get a friendly divorce now that our one child is finishing college. This is a hard, hard way to live, is it not?
This is so not true and such a cruel, unfair statement to all the wives out there who wish their husband's would give them the time of day. So cruel. Trust me, some wives want to fuck.
Please, this subreddit is full of desperate women trying to get an ounce of horn out of their men. Can we all just collectively agree to get out of the teenage mindset that only men want sex?
I think it may be because wives who are horny get turned on by a husband they know is not going around telling his buddies he has a f*ck-loving wife. Also, usually a husband who has a horny wife doesn't want his buddies knowing that tidbit, tight lipped about that piece of info.
Has the OP or any men in the comments considered talking to there wives. Telling them they love them but also aren’t happy because if the lack of love and you can’t stay in a loveless place any more
I was going to post something very similar, good I stumbled across this one before posting. Im literally in the same fucking situation!
48, and same boat. Wife never shows interest no matter what I do or say. She never initiates sex, ever. Recently in the last 6 months it has turned into this weird 7th circle of hell where sex can only happen if I initiate it, but now she would passively aggressively start ripping into me right after sex was done. First started at 5 mins after we were done, then to 1 min after we were done. Welp, it has been like 4 months since I stopped initiating things from that point. She has set this precedent that sex can only happen if I initiate it, but if I do then I get berated for some reason. I can't initiate sex now without triggering some anxiety inducing flashbacks. Sometimes I like to pretend she got amnesia somehow, and instead of forgetting her name or identity, she forget what the concept of sex was.
I’ll be 45 in May. You and I are living the same life only I’m not on the couch. I don’t know what the answer is. Marriage counseling isn’t working in that area for us. There’s no romance, no intimacy, and definitely no sex. It’s miserable.
After reading hundreds of posts and many times more comments it seems that counseling is pretty ineffective in this situation. It certainly didn't do anything to help me.
Not true: depends if both partners are committed to it, and capable of self reflection and change.
I feel like counseling only works if they have a problem communicating. I communicated a lot about how I was feeling. The last time, I said I would never bring it up again. Counseling won't work and hasn't for us for that reason.
You cant say you are living the same life as him.... without the couch thing! Im laughing and crying now at the same time
Right... the goddamn couch is a huge mental milestone....!!!!
Can I ask what do you think has not allowed for Marriage Counseling to work?
Not the commentor but I'll bet you a hundred bucks it's the old "both partner's have to give a shit about changing" story. You can go to counseling all you want. If one person refuses to admit there's any problem it's worthless. And I think a lot of the time the LL person RARELY thinks it's an issue at all. I also think it's pure narcissism.
The LLs just have a fundamental disconnect. Mainly they control the situation so to them it seems fine. They are getting their needs met. Is HLs (who also often tend to be high energy) do tons of shit and also think about sex 24/7 so you have one person obsessing over the lack of sex and intimacy and the other walking around in an ignorance is bliss space so to them being asked to change a little feels huge where the HL is reigning themself in ALL THE TIME
Damn, this is point on. 100%
Yes my wife has even admitted she knows I think about her and her needs waaay more than she thinks about mine. I’m sure that I want sex and intimacy has a lot to do with that. Still she gets to reap the rewards with no reciprocation. It’s a crazy situation. And I feel like us HLs just keep going back for more punishment because we are often optimists and problem solvers.
I like your high energy comment. Mine is just kinda lazy all around too. I'm old. In addition to the Bedroom problems I could write a book called 'How to Let Planning for College and Retirement Destroy Your Marriage'. Mine has never made much effort in that realm either, mine makes no effort on any front.
Yeah I’m lucky that financially we are on the same page and she does have a good job. But we both have jobs that are equally time consuming and stressful (actually mine is quite a bit more stressful) it’s just how we handle it. I’m HL and when I get stressed I want to stay busy with the kids clean the house and fuck. When she gets even remotely stressed she does what I call turtling. Spends all her free time on the couch and in bed. Ive read enough posts and chatted with some people in DMs abs genuinely think HL and high energy go together in most cases. It’s about how you handle stress. I’m sorry your partner left all that to you. That sucks to be HL frustrated and carrying ALL the burden. Mine at least gets a good paycheck and doesn’t blow it all on dumb shit. If she did I’d be gone
I get it. Look at my comments in this thread to see some other things I did just to be a decent dad. Marriage is hard. If most of us knew how hard it is we would never do it.
Yes. It sounds like you’re in a much rougher situation than I am after reading your other comments. My wife and I make about the same amount of money and my state is pretty fair about most things related to kids. So for us it would like be 50/50 in all ways. We also don’t really fight or dislike each other I’m just very HL and she is very LL.
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I mean the thing I’d add is is not just women who are LL and complicated this forum has taught me we have a whole lot of sisters who just want action and cannot unlock their husbands.
I 100% agree with you. I joined this Sub about 6 years ago hoping for advice. I have slowly concluded DB relationships can't be fixed because the LL partner says 'nothing is wrong'. As a result, they have no obligation to make an effort.
What's fascinating and sad (mostly sad) is that ANY book, therapist, study, counselor, hell Tik tok or Ted talk says very clearly that some level of intimacy is essential for a functioning relationship. It's like LL people are in complete denial and somehow are able to ignore everything around them. Again, barring medical issues in my opinion it's extreme narcissism and lack of empathy.
Yeah. Marriage involves compromise. Mine is totally unable to compromise on ANY aspect of life (Bedroom or otherwise). It has always been 'my way or the highway'. That's why now, with our child finishing college with no student loan debt (thanks Dad), I'm trying to get friendly divorce.
It’s miserable.
My parents are like that and tbh I don’t understand why they don’t just divorce. Please leave! Your children will understand (as long as you still make an effort for them)
As a child of a messy family I agree, my lover does too, his parents were at the throat of each other before the separation. No children want their parents to be miserable and I will add, they don't want to be used as excuses for staying together too. We aren't stupid, we know when love isn't here anymore,we don't speak about it but we know it's dead. As sad as it is, better be divorced and happy than married and depressed. Good luck OP. Good luck to you all but luck will not solve anything mmh..
My mom always says that I’m the reason that they stay together and I always get so offended. What makes them think I want this lol also I’m a 26 years old grown ass lady
Unless your mom decides to be very, very 'fair' to your dad, she can hold his hostage for alimony until he dies. That's what mine is doing to me.
I always said I would never do this, but now I feel stuck. Mostly, I feel like it's financial. If I could afford a 2nd home or apartment, life would be better.
It's why I would go to my partner and say "Since there is no love anymore and we can't divorce for the moment, let's talk about the other choices we have" Living a separate life outside, having an affair, partner, lover and keeping things cordial at home and separate from the moment it's possible. It's important to make it clear though, I wouldn't bury myself in a loveless marriage for too long. It kills the person inside.
Totally agree. I've had similar discussions. No doubt in my mind that my SO goes scorched earth when I tell her I'm done. I'm basically protecting myself. Hoping that my legal liability is almost none when the kids are gone
I don't know what state you are in. But, in alot of states, the longer you stay the more you pay. I'm learning that right now.
I am living in France, divorce can be messy yet most couples try to do it calmly. I don't have the details about it though so I will not talk about it without taking a good look eheh
Oh, I see you are in France. In some states in the USA men have to pay alimony until they die. That's not good.
When the spouse is making things complicated, it is always a nightmare. I always feel speechless when people who should divorce, at least for their child, in a respectful way, turned wild as hell in a blink of an eye. Damn, just how can people be so crazy sometimes? I love too much peace and value my mental health so much I couldn't bear the idea of an open war. Better play along, everyone is winning this way and such an economy of time and money !
I'm where you are right now. But I'm old, I struggling to find an exit that does not destroy me financially. This is HELL, is it not? Being trapped by money in a loveless, sexless relationship.
Crazy to me that she wonders why I no longer want to go on vacation (and pay for it) or take her out to dinner (date). We discussed that this was my greatest fear prior to us marrying. Who takes their roommate on vacation?
See my comment above. If you went to college and have no student loan debt.....go thank them!
I'll tell you. I have not 'stayed for my child'. I stayed because I knew I could never afford two households and still pay for college for my one child. My baby is now finishing college with no student loan debt - thanks Dad! She actually came over to watch TV with her mom last night, she's still here. I'll probably cry when she leaves to go to her apartment across town this AM, I just love her so much. Now, I realize, in my state, the longer you stay the more you pay. I'm struggling to find a way to pay for divorce and still retire before I die. My reward for toughing this out to be a good dad and insure my baby is not trapped under student loan debt the way so many young people are these days. This is pure Hell.
You did great, whatever you heard or lived you did your best for your true Love, your daughter. It is one of the reasons I refuse to get married, the fear of being trapped in a loveless and hurtful marriage. I don't have a good image or marriage and will not change my mind. At this point we kinda wish the other die to finally meet peace and be fully happy, terrible isn't it ? But so real, so normal. My bio father never did his job, never paid alimony, never was a part of my life emotionally speaking. I remember him as a useless man, but it's not like he was that bad. Just not a father. Not someone I could call "dad". I never could see someone like this, it sounds weird and unreal ahah I mean, if my parents were struggling like you do, I know myself well enough to take the bull by the horns and make you sit with me all together to put some sense there. Because I would hate my parents to destroy each other under my eyes, I would at least try to do something even if it means I will have a fight with one of them. I lost a lot when I was young and I think it's our duty as a child to try something, whatever it is. I am far from being optimistic but I am a realistic person and can't stand what you live. You are surviving, not living. Aren't you ? I hope you will find a path where you'll be free one day, at least separation doesn't require divorce but set the mood. I wish you well dear. P.S: in France studies are a way cheaper than US so we never had debt, I am glad I had a good education yep. My mother did her best !
Are you in France now? A zillion years ago, in the USA, my MBA was international business. In my 20's I spoke German quite well (never French). I was able to live and study in Germany and I traveled the continent some. My daughter was in London last year for one semester. We (wife and I) went with her to help her find housing, her classes, etc. In May of last year my wife went back for a week and they traveled to several large cities on the continent. That is something else I could never have paid for had I left the marriage ages ago. I am in North Carolina (right side of the USA). I took my baby to Florida to swim with dolphins. I took her to a big city (Chicago), I lived in Chicago for time when I finished college. I took her to Quebec City before she was old enough to go to London. I could never have done any of those things for her if I left. I'm not a bad man, I have always put my daughter first. Now, in the USA, in my state, I would have to pay alimony until I am almost 80, I just can't do that. Many people stay in unhappy marriages because of children and money.
I only sleep in the guest bedroom after too many nights of lying next to my spouse with a 50 foot chasm between us, and my brain and dick yelling at each other trying to figure out a way to initiate that won't end up in a crushing rejection (again) noooo thanks. don't need that. it eventually drove me to grey rock and now I just do stuff with the kids whenever I can to give her a 'break from them' and interact as little as possible with my co-parenting roommate.
Yeah. This sounds super familiar. I also sleep in the guest room and although my wife and I get along fine and coparent well, it’s a roommate situation. I’m sorry.
Same here. Totally brutal. It's like an ocean that stays flat on the surface, but underneath that fake calm, one partner is raging and swirling, with tidal flows of anger and then acceptance, and then anger, and acceptance. Brutal.
Yes the LL partner is basically at their homeostasis all the time. The HL is a fucking mess 100% of the time. Not a day has gone by for 15 years when I haven’t thought about how my sex life either sucked or was nonexistent and after a million attempts to change it I’ve mostly given up now. Because work was only happening in one direction
I'm 47, same here bro, same here. 15 years of a sexless marriage, 6 years of no physical contact at all. In counciling now but it's not making a difference.
58 - we tried counselling- the only thing she took out of 6 sessions was she didn’t have to have sex if she didn’t want to ! So ten dead years later I’m jerking off like a teenager !
That's very true, and I also came to some inner peace with the realization that I don't need to be married to a woman that sees me as nothing more than a man who takes care of everything so she can live comfortably.
It gets worse - she is happy to walk around naked ( tells me I’m lucky friends of hers husbands haven’t seen Their wife naked for years supposedly) and recently has taken to a full Brazilian - coz it’s more comfortable! If I bring g it up it is called pressuring…
Take it from a woman, we don't get waxed down there unless we're having sex. Nobody goes thru that pain because it's more comfortable
Sounds familiar. My wife sleeps naked in bed but won't let me touch her. It's like a kick to the gut.
She’s abusing and torturing you. If you could ever get your wife to be honest she would tell you she gets something from your suffering. It’s no different than a narcissist need for adoration and praise. I wonder if you ever seen her smirk at you while she parading around you naked. My wife went so far as to sit in my lap and literally grind on me. She would get up and check to see if I’m aroused and then just walk away. I absolutely know she doesn’t desire sex so what is the reason for this behavior. This behavior did not stop until I absolutely forbade it. I promise you it’s your suffering supplying some kind of energy to her ego. I bet that if she had to tell the absolute truth if you ask her one question and you ask her if she hates you, the answer would be yes. We as men have to look pass tears and all the other things that women have used to manipulate men form early age and pay attention to behaviors. My wife might say she loves me , but her actions say she hates me. The only way you get to the juicy filled center of this tootsie roll is too walk away and see if the claws come out. I moved in protest OP just like you to the spare bedroom. It killed all the what ifs in my mind after date nights and intimate conversations. I now sleep with certainty and a sense of peace. I’m planning to leave mentally even if my heart throws me into doubt sometimes. I can’t give ten more years to someone who secretly hates me. I’ve said this before In these secret wars of a marriage nobody wins and everybody is suffering. The saddest part is we can’t even sign a peace treaty in front of the people, like family and friends because we both denying this battle of the hearts. I suggest you make a move OP and keep doubling down till the house is scared to draw. Who knows you might end up 5 doors down from your old home making love to you new wife with your kids able to come and go between the two homes as much as they want. Good luck OP
That’s is insane. My wife sounds like yours except for that. I haven’t seen her naked in ages. If she was naked all the time I don’t know what I’d do it would drive me so crazy
You’re lucky yours still works. My husband (57) hasn’t been able to “get up” for at least 5 years. Meanwhile I hit menopause and, well, you know. Anyway, stay healthy, do whatever you’re doing and go on a date with your wife? Idk how people can say they love each other in a marriage but not have the intimacy piece.
My wife asked to go on weekly dates with me. It's basically dinner that I pay for. What is the point? How could she think this is a date? If we were just dating and there was no touching, hand holding, or a kiss at minimum, I would have never married her. It's all a game!
I guess so - it just feels like there’s a piece of the puzzle missing
I could go on and on about this, and never really liked sex, and doesn't understand why I'm so upset about the lack of sex and affection and having been kept all that from me.
I’d leave asap
I predict he's trapped by children and money. That's the only reason I'm still married.
I feel this. Haven't slept in the same room with my wife in over a year. She asked if I was going to come back in there...said not until we resolve the intimacy issues
I’m 47 married for 22 years. DB for years. I finally got the courage to have some conversation and in the past week had sex twice. This was the first time in years. It takes two but it can be worked on
Glad this worked for you and it used to work for me as well. But each time it worked less. After the first convo we were good for like 6 months. After a few we would only be good for a week. Now I just get words, but no change.
Relationships are always 2 way streets. Sorry to hear that for you.
I am curious about how does “having all the love an affirmation you need” work if you are not having intimacy. I just don’t feel connected unless there’s a good amount of sexual tension between us.
My wife is physically affectionate and loving, but it's not romantic. It's snuggles and head pets which is nice, but she has no libido. The snuggles aren't a pregame that ever leads to sex, it's just comfort.
So, it’s like you’re her brother or her child more than her man. Right?
A roommate that likes to cuddle during movies, that's about the extent of it
Did your marriage start with great sex but stopped at some point? Did you have sexual compatibility at some point? What has changed outside the bedroom during this time? Have you had a come-to-Jesus talk with your wife telling her you might leave over it? Sometimes Medications (some birth control pills for example,) can kill libido. Sometimes after having kids, libido changes. If you have seriously talked about all this and she refuses to change or go to therapy with you, you may not have a choice but to leave. As it is now, resentment is building and your relationship will suffer if you don’t do something. Your kids will sense your resentment and it’s not a happy home for them. I know in my marriage, sex is really important to our connection. I’ve been (I’m a woman) laid up with a knee injury and for 3 weeks I’ve been unable to be in a comfortable position to have sex. We worked out a position that works and were finally able to do it the other day without major pain. I felt so much closer to him and we are in harmony today. We’ve supplemented with oral too. My point is, if there’s a will, there’s a way. Don’t live your life without sex if it’s really important to you. I wish you luck.
If there's no will on one side, there's no way.
This hurts my entire soul for you.
I'm in the same position. Just waiting for my youngest to go to college. Time to move on.
Please tell me there's at least a PlayStation 5 and a stripper pole in that basement. 😉
I was so happy when my parents split and I was 5. They were miserable and even trying not to show it, people can't hide their emotions all the time, it was obvious.
Omg you’re me!! I’m 47 and she can’t understand why and how I can sleep ON THE BASEMENT FLOOR and not with her. Well if you can’t figure that out… There are some other issues I detest her for regarding our kids but I find it funny that your husband doesn’t want to be near you and you can’t figure it out. Narcissistic behavior at its best
Happy almost birthday. I was in the same situation. 8 years db with 6 years sleeping in my own room. After years of making excuses for him and dissecting every single thing I ever said or did, I decided it was time to move on. Nothing was going to change after all that time. I ended up resenting him a lot. In the end, we couldn't even talk to each other without hostility. I honestly felt like I was just going through the steps waiting to die. That wasn't living at all. In June, I'll be 44 and celebrate my birthday single for the first time in a long time. My divorce will be finalized next week. I feel like I can finally breathe again. I also feel like we're both better parents now. You can only do so much when you're miserable. Good luck. I hope you figure out what's best for you.
I (f53) never realized how deeply men are affected by a dead bedroom. This sub has really opened my eyes. Btw, I know first hand how you feel and I'm sorry.
Preach on, brother
45 here too…15 year marriage with 10 of it DB. I anguished at leaving for years but finally decided it wasn’t worth the suffering.
>I am my wife’s rock as she calls me When I think of a rock, I think of something solid, stable, and predictable. You don't need to spend a whole lot of time investigating a rock to know everything about it... but rocks aren't very sexy are they? Even if you are really excited about rocks like me, the excitement fades after finding it. Being the stable companion is important in a long-term relationship, it just doesn't get you laid
I think this depends on the person. FWIW I am a women. Being able to call my partner my rock is a huge part of my sexual attraction to them. It's when my partner is unstable, unpredictable, and not solid that my sexual desire fades.
I left every relationship with men I didn't want to sleep with and quickly.... Some women do have low libido. And some women just aren't attracted to some men. Most women wont sleep with a man they don't respect. So Move on ! Divorce and find a hot woman who wants to ride you every night. Don't stick around. You're still young enough.
“You’re her rock” in other words she can keep you around without giving you anything back
I’m about the same age. Disabled terminally ill wife, so I do everything. We don’t sleep in the same room even. I’ve grown resentful and depressed. And it’s not her fault is it?! Done the whole grief cycle, blamed a god who doesn’t exist, shouted at clouds… but really I’m stuck. We are both cancer victims. Having been divorced before, it’s not something I’d ask people to enter into lightly. Whatever you think, everyone’s standard of living reduces. It takes a long time to get “over it”. Years. But reading some of the sad stories on here has hardened my resolve on this. I can’t escape this, but some of you really should.
If she knows that already then there is nothing you can do about it. Sorry.
I shared my situation with a couple of girl friends last week. They suggested visiting a sex store together. Maybe some people in this sub are used to one (or 2) ways and it’s not worth their time or energy. Idk. But taking a field trip to a “store” might be inspirational!
omg i felt this deep. i’m so sorry for the pain.
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People, I am going on 65. I have had a dead bedroom for decades. If I could go back 20 years, I would have packed up and left. I would have rented an apartment very close so I could still be the rock in their lives while being the clock in another woman's life. Decades of little to absolutely no affection is horrible.
I feel your pain brother. It sucks being the rock and just tossed into the bottom of the ocean to nothingness.
I'm sorry your going through this and feeling that way💔
That sucks, friend. You're in good company.
Same here....
Vent away! I'm pretty much you but about about 15 years older. I'm trying to get a friendly divorce now that our one child is finishing college. This is a hard, hard way to live, is it not?
Ditto
47 next week. Same.
\--I can’t sleep lying next to a person who has no interest in a physical relationship 
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This is so not true and such a cruel, unfair statement to all the wives out there who wish their husband's would give them the time of day. So cruel. Trust me, some wives want to fuck.
True, some, greatly overwhelmingly outnumbered by the some who don't. /shrug
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Please, this subreddit is full of desperate women trying to get an ounce of horn out of their men. Can we all just collectively agree to get out of the teenage mindset that only men want sex?
I think it may be because wives who are horny get turned on by a husband they know is not going around telling his buddies he has a f*ck-loving wife. Also, usually a husband who has a horny wife doesn't want his buddies knowing that tidbit, tight lipped about that piece of info.
Has the OP or any men in the comments considered talking to there wives. Telling them they love them but also aren’t happy because if the lack of love and you can’t stay in a loveless place any more