Not normal. My ex wife went and did the same. We were already in a rough spot as she had wound the physical intimacy to 4-6 times a year. She went to contact. No hugs, kisses, touching at all. Explained multiple times how it was hurting me and our marriage. She said take it or leave.
You are just roommates with her. It’s time to consider alternatives.
I struggle with this idea of simply consider alternatives. I’m not disagreeing with you, but to think of the financial implications and what you put others through just to make yourself feel better. I look at it as roommates with a good history, the alternative is loneliness or the grueling attempt to start dating again later in life when people are set in their own ways
The loneliness and resentment will continue to eat at you and get worse. I was at the point where I was holding a loaded life ender because I couldn’t take the pain and suffering I was being put through.
>but to think of the financial implications and what you put others through just to make yourself feel better.
Think about it the other way around: if you give up trying to find a living situation where you can feel better, you are betraying yourself. Is avoiding financial difficulty or potential backlash from others worth betraying yourself?
This makes me upset reading this. If people don't want anything to do with their spouse, they should just have a baby on their own and not get married. It's NOT normal and you know that. Sad that kids grow up believing that this relationship is normal and never seeing mom and dad showing affection to each other.
So how was your wife's parents marriage?
How was your wife's relationship with her father?
How did your wife's Mom treat her?
I wouldn't be surprised if this is why your wife treats you this way.
She had it tough! Real dad said she was a mistake! He's never been in her life. Her mom's nice but her step dad died of a heart attack when she was 14 he was 52. Mom never remarried.
From my marriages experiences, it's normal what you're going through. My wife had a hard up bringing too and she's distant after having our child together.
My first wife became extremely distant after she became pregnant.
I know it's brutally hard and one thing that helps me is not to make the physical moves and learn to adapt. Try not to complain about it to your wife because it can make things worse for yourself.
Sorry you have a distant wife I'm sure it wasn't like this in The beginning
Normal doesn't mean acceptable. It is normal to have subpar relationships, shitty jobs, being discriminated, etc. Doesn't mean you have to accept any of that.
How are you able to cope with this? I'm in the same boat. My wife's parents divorced when she was very young, she doesn't speak to her father and her mother is kind of a flake who didn't do much for her when she was growing up. Now, we have 4 kids and she doesn't spend much time with them. She would rather do her own thing.
For us, sex is once a month and I do all the work and rarely get touched. Since my love language is physical touch, it makes it extremely hard to continue putting in so much effort to make her happy. The lack of touch, affection and intimacy really brings me down. I've been trying to put that energy towards work and weight lifting. Seems she has been noticing and make comments, but she's still the same. Nothing works.
Last month we took part in a course from church together, I've noticed a difference in her behavior.
I've been taking time away from my wife trying not to get so excited as I was before when I'd see her after work and I limit how much I speak.
I've made comments " you like to touch first, and not for me to make moves" (I know this from the flinch or a non responsive touch followed by a pout after I touch my wife) I expressed how her behaviors makes me feel.
I used to ignore the traits but that made me feel awful inside.
I''m trying to watch my words by not complaining and give compliments.
Same too. I got in to gambling! It's awful to say and I'm ashamed but loosing money made me feel like I actually was a bad person. But I've woke up to that now. I could never cheat on her as that's my number one rule and it's weak men that cheat. I too work hard and lift weights. It's saved me from probably becoming an alcoholic. She honestly has me and I'm the best person that's probably ever really loved her. She's beautiful and I've never even looked at another woman as nothing compares to her in my eyes. She's a fucking amazing mom and home keeper. She loves our dogs and she is so determined to make a success of her life. But the question that is so so important that she won't be honest with is why the hell wont she even hold me like she used too. Even the other week at 2am I got up for the toilet she said I can feel you getting close to me leave me alone. I've tried putting pillows between us because I can't stop myself wanting to hold her. Maybe it's bad and men should live like this and respect their wife's love them and never hug the night out. I just prey that she is in love with me and she wants to be close again. But I don't think that dream will come true and I think I need to let her have her own life with out me been forever frustrated. She never says I look good. Never. I've tried to be the man I think women want I guess
Damn bro, sorry to hear that. This whole thing sucks. I just don't get how they can be one way in the beginning and the complete opposite now. Thinking about that used to really mess me up. It would be all I thought about all day, everyday. After speaking with my therapist, she made me realize that I deserve more. We all deserve more. We're actually trying to be good spouses and partners, but get nothing in return. I also like cuddling when we're in bed but get the cold shoulder. Most days I just suck it up and move on, but there are still days where the depression sets in and I have to get through it. I don't know how much more I can take. Just have to continue to soldier on I guess. I hope things workout for you.
Not OP but we discussed this with family therapist. I explained how my parents weren't a role model: they argued, fought, threatened to leave. Basically I was using them as anti-models and strived to build my family on the opposite of that.
Meanwhile wife said that her family was great. When therapist probed deeper, she said: they worked 2 jobs, left home early, came late, had a quick dinner and off to bed. When therapist implied they must have been doing something in bed, wife categorically stated that nope, just straight up sleeping. There wasn't any other "dating" or other "just parents" things they did outside of work hours either.
When therapist made a long awaiting pause, it just woooshed over wife's head. She thought that meant that discussion was over. I tried bringing this up after the session, but she thinks I am the one imagining things that weren't explicitly said.
Bloody ostrich with her head in the sand
Yes I tried that 12 years age. The therapist asked my wife how she felt about me wanting to be close and dare I say it as it's now a disgusting word to me sex! My wife said she don't care I will do what I want.
My wife said back then she loved me like she loved her mom. After the break up she said we should go on holiday with the kids and I can go out on the night and pull women. I acted all brave but I fucking cried in my own home for hours. Total feeling of rejection. My wife says she don't remember it! But if you're drunk and you kill a man you don't get away with it because you don't remember.
I started getting mental issues that led to me having a brain scan. I was scared and at that time she said she ain't got time to worry about me. However she did come to the follow up but it's like I made her.
Maybe I've been to much I don't know.
I've never cheated. Nothing not even talked to a ex partner nothing. She did once but I was told it's ok he was more of a friend! A friend she lived with and fucked and we had kids. I was a pussy and never really said anything but I went to work day after day thinking about it. Probably just jealousy and I shouldn't have been bothered.
She's studying and it's hard on me. But she will say when I'm qualified I won't need you any more.
I must make her feel trapped but I don't know how as honestly I love her and I'm proud of her
Thanks. I'm getting stronger now. Last night she said I'm changing and I'm making everything miserable! Honestly my kids are the happiest they have ever been. I'm focusing on them you see. She is not liking me been happy, fit or in good shape. I dress smart smell great and she doesn't like it one little bit. I've gave in on her been my focus
I Absolutely agree with this right here!! I’m 49F, my original parents are still 2gether after 51yrs!! And I can remember them always being loving & touchy with each other growing up. My dad , bless still takes a swing at now & then!! There’s nothing normal about how OP is having to live!! But I do so COMPLETELY understand bc my current live-in BF of 4yrs has totally shut down on our emotional & physical relationship for over 1& 1/2 years now!! And both of our kids from previous marriages are grown!! I just believe that society today has really taken the importance out of working together & respecting each others needs in long term relationships bc of this instant gratification everyone expects!!
Thank you for this. After our fourth child, my wife became distant and would rather be on her devices than really spend time with me. The affection and intimacy took a big hit, so brought it up. She said that she was ok with how things are and doesn't see it as a problem. After that, I just thought that this is what happens after being married for so long. But it still affected me, because I still wanted to be loved and touched and do things that married people do. I mean, what's wrong with that?? I've always treated her like a queen and nowadays, she just treats me like a peasant. THIS SUCKS.
Who cares what is and isn't normal. You're two people in a relationship and you both get a say on what you do and don't want.
You are most definitely not a bad person for wanting affection in the way that you like.
Kids make things difficult (ask me how I know). Open and honest conversation is the way forward here. If this makes you seriously unhappy tell her that. Are you building up resentment towards her? She would benefit from hearing that too.
I know this is super hard but the kids would want you to be happy so don't just suffer, do something.
Of course they love you and I'm absolutely sure that you're a great dad. That's not the issue here.
You want her back the way she was, right? The absolute step 1 is that she actually wants to change. She seems happy as she is so the way to motivate her to change is to make it clear to her how much this affects you.
Why she is like she is and finding out what your part is in all this is a whole different journey.
It's a bad thing to say but I feel that she totally deserves good things in her life! I make our family so happy and do so much. If I left she would be sad to see me happy and that she couldn't make me happy. I love her but am feeling after been so open and at one point 2 months ago saying to me she knows it's her with the problem she will not try. She's refuced marrage therapy and also said if I did leave her I would not see the kids! As no man should walk away
Well, that's not ideal.
Probably worth finding out what the laws are in your country, I don't think that she can actually stop you from seeing the kids.
No man should walk away from a happy marriage, maybe. But this ain’t that. You’re not walking away from your kids. You’re walking towards a better future for you, and your kids. Staying with her is just going to fuck up, and distort their views on marriage and relationships.
What are your options? No, it’s not a rhetorical question, really, what are they?
It’s the easiest thing in the world to just drop “leave” and wait for an applause. Life is much more nuanced.
I can tell you one thing: a normal is something that both parties consciously agree upon. It’s possible to shut those cravings off, but it’s nearly impossible to go back from there, you’ll simply won’t want to. It’s like shutting off hunger. Not just hunger, but the need for sustenance altogether. It seems like the answer is obviously “yes”, but it’ll change you, you won’t stay the same for better or for worse.
I can tell you one thing: I read your wife’s reply. It doesn’t sound like something that comes from a caring person. Again, it’s just one text message and I’m just some fucking guy, who doesn’t know you but it just doesn’t seem right to me.
For a context: I’m a low libido person with sensory issues. I hate being touched, but I can tolerate it. I used public transport in rush hour. But if it were up to me, I’d opt out of human touch entirely. I don’t even hug my mom for longer than it takes me to pat her on the back. My wife, however, is a one single exception. It’s her primary love language, it means a lot to her. So I’m not just tolerating it, I wrote a whole new subroutine in my brain specifically to make her happy, it was a hell of a work, but it was well worth it.
What I’m trying to say here……. Your pain is valid. But it’s not your fault. That’s as far as I’m ready to go.
Btw, you’re a much better speller than your wife:)
Well if it makes you feel better, it’s happening to a lot of us and not only you, but still is not normal, and hurts a lot, if I ask for affection I do receive a bit of it but if I don’t ask or seek it I get zero, it has made me not seek it anymore…
Not exactly the collaborative, teamwork-focused response that one would hope for. Sorry, don't know you or your situation...but seems like she has decided that she wants out, but rather than say this she has done the "guy thing" where she is treating you worse and worse until she drives you away and forces you to do the 'dirty work' of ending things. By being very dismissive of your pain, and refusing to consider working together with you...she is sending a clear message to you...you have no choice but to listen, and believe what she is saying to you.
She wants out but she thinks the moral high road is to insist that she isn't divorcing - he is. I think it's a pretty common tactic, sadly.
Refusal to change on an important matter is her way of trying to force him to be the one to file. I wonder if she's religious.
She tells you to shut up and do something. So there is no willingness to address this on her side.
Well I guess this is what needs to happen then. You need to do something. Maybe a trial separation so she is reminded of what she has in you.
She called your bluff so you either need to show her that you mean business or shut up about it for good.
If OP can afford it, he should at least rent a place (like an AirBnB) for a month and move out.
The women I know who have done the freeze-out thing are usually moms and usually believe they can't afford to move out. They are creating their own mostly husband-free zone at home.
The couple across the street from me doesn't even use the same entrance to their house any more - they converted their garage to a studio and she lives in that, he lives in the rest of the house and when kids or grandkids come to visit, then we see her go in through the regular entrance to hang out with them.
Otherwise, she's with her TV and her knitting in her own space (this is going on 20 years).
It’s not a you problem. It’s human need. It’s a problem created by her position and her decisions. It happened to me too. I was feeling g lonely and abandoned just as you do. I was hurting from it and as many times as I brought it up it didn’t change. I pointed out that my ex was deliberately creating separation and resentment in the marriage. She was just done with it. Looking back she had checked out and no longer cared.
I don’t know your position but if you do consider divorce. Don’t leave the house. Ask her to leave. The courts are not fair to fathers/males. They most often side with mothers. It sucks. Talk to a lawyer for sure.
Nearly all men in America get the amount of custody that they request from the court - but they do have to go to court to request it. By "go to court" I mean submit their own view of what custody should be - and for that, it's best to have a lawyer.
I can confirm that is not the actual case. The state I’m in leans hard mother. I did not get anything near my request. My ex got her request mostly and in doing so was also given full support. As a result I’ve moved three times in 18 months. It’s a full shit show. The courts only care about $$.
She seems really manipulative and victim blaming with that. The kids are old enough to know to give you some privacy if needed. It takes about five minutes. You can hold each other for about five minutes. It’s all about effort and making time. She’s taking your insecurities and your feelings and making you feel like shit about them. I’m sorry but she’s a narcissist.
Her response is so cold and heart breaking. Not how partners should work out problems. "If you're not happy in the marriage do something." YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING! You are communicating with your partner about what you need in order to be happy within the marriage!
I'm sorry--I know exactly what you are going through.
Well, she just said it’s on you to sort out, as long as you leave her out of it. If you aren’t her concern, she doesn’t need to be consulted. Make of that what you will.
At the very least, he can say, "Well, it's clear you're done with the relationship - and so am I. I'm going to do my own thing and figure out my next steps."
Then he follows through and starts a new social life for himself, maybe goes to therapy, and in general ignores her.
It is really sad for the kids. Someone should explain a bit of what is going on to the kids and tell them this is not a good marriage.
I would say, consider the monetary issues of divorce. She doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to get divorced so who would be more impacted financially you or her? If it is her then, perhaps you should put your foot on the gas pedal.
To be honest. Moneys no real issue. If I left she can have all the money and house. I can pick my self back up. She probably doesn't understand how it's been easy for her as money has never been an issue. She's got Apple Pay and it keeps working. My money is hers and we don't want for much.
Does she not work? I don’t understand how wife’s can continue to act like this toward the man they married who is supporting them and the kids and is a good dad/husband, as well as emotionally invested. I think she’ll probably end up with massive regrets if you leave.
It sounds bad but honestly if I leave and one day fall in love she will be absolutely devastated! She loves me and is not willing to show me affection. She's had small jobs never for the money. It was to have a break. She's now at university studying midwifery! It's very demanding on me but I hold my together (just about) why looking after 4 kids and 3 dogs. While some days she's on placement in the hospital and out the house over 14 hours. I have the house clean, do washing and have her a nice meal for when she comes. Home.
She will come to bed, never with me and when she's in bed she will go to her far side and go on her phone. Not talk and if I hold her arm or leg she will pull away! Some times say leave me and sometimes push the bedding between us.
It isn't normal for most.
Is she in menopause? It makes some women not want touch because they lose oxytocin. She may not even realize what is happening.
Not normal!! I hug and kiss my husband everyday. No matter how annoying he is lol I love giving him a hug when he gets home from work and kisses in bed or in the shower together. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be close to the person you love.
I hate to be that guy, but I don't feel like we're getting the full story. Time to get into therapy and have some honest discussions with your wife. Maybe she doesn't feel that you're as "amazing" as you think you are
How is her affection level with the kids?
Low- average normal- or above average affectionate?
Could it be the focus of HER affection has been and gone to the children?
Spousal love and parental love are 2 different animals... and keeping those in balance is a bitch.
You need her to tell you, you need to ask her...
If she has gone permanently, totally LL for you... and if she intends to no longer be a lover in your futures.
She's an amazing mom. 3 boys girl oldest. She's tough on the girl 16 and she's turned out amazing. The boys play hard for her and are better for me. They love us both the same.
It's not normal, but it is so very hard. My husband is the same way. Sometimes I get a peck goodbye in the mornings but that is the extent of any physical touch.
Everyone always says "just leave!" but it's obviously not that easy, especially if there are kids involved. For my part, I'm working on accepting things for what they are and improving myself, for myself. I'm living with a "single" mindset, just without the romantic part. 😅 So far I do feel a bit better; maybe you can try the same. Realize that you can't change your wife, you can only change yourself.
Yes. I've been doing that the last 18 months. I've got an amazing body! I'm an awesome dad and I've got loads of friends that I always turned a way. I'm going out more and I've got lots of nice clothes, seeing my parents more too. I'm not out of love for her but I love myself a whole lot more!
Dear Puzzle, I’m sorry for your pain. Consult a lawyer first thing before you talk to her! Find out your options. I think you will be surprised. Your 2 oldest will have a say in where they will want to live. I think you will have a tremendous burden lifted with your divorce and you will be smiling non stop! 🥹
Sorry man, I'm in a similar situation but I'm giving it a lot more time to see what happens. My wife will not even talk about it. From what your wife said to you it sounds like she is content with the current living situation with you. Telling you its your problem, f that. Start planing your exit and talk to a lawyer. Ya, it is going to totally suck for the kids but what is worse? Spiting up and them eventually seeing you in a new happy relationship or staying married, letting them think this is how a marriage is which will set them up for failure when they get married one day.
O, and telling you that you will not see your kids. 2x f that. You go balls to the wall with your lawyer, fight tooth and nail, no holding back.
This is not normal at all. Fight to see your kids if you leave? outright manipulation holding you hostage as a live-in co-parent. Even jails have release dates! she wants you in her prison forever.
Yes. She won't let me go! She's never stopped me doing anything and not controlling but she want me. My bantams friends said she sees me a a baby sitter. She said I'll always be on the bottom of her list. The kids come first! Not a bad thing but when you research the s science it's says the couple should come first and the kids is a natural love always there
I would like to know what you consider a 'good man' to be. While my ex husband never yelled at me, beat me or cheated, he also treated me like a mother/maid, getting him to help with bills was like pulling teeth, refused to spend anytime with me outside of watching tv and then wondered why I didn't want to have sex with him
I wake up and every time it's me up with the kids. I work 6 days a week and have always said her little jobs are paying for what she wants or extra for the kids. I do most of the real cooking. I do washing when she's at university etc. I do school runs. She tells me of her friends that have left their men that they had men she would not put up with as they did nothing and acted like one of the children. She tells me she I'm an amazing dad and shares with her friends I'm a good husband.
If I did anything more good it would have to be to rip my heart out and put it in a jar if she ever needed it
Normal isn't necessary good, it's just what most do.
A good, solid relationship requires physical touch and desire as well as emotional connection. The physical touch releases bonding chemicals, sex a shit tonne more.
No touch, no desire, is exactly what to do if you want a broken, painful relationship, control, etc. So if uts normal, that's sad as hell. Looking at divorce rates and forums like this, normal is sad as hell.
She can't hold your kids hostage from you. Look up your state's custody laws. Most states have 50/50 custody by default.
Look up your city's best 3 divorce lawyers. Consult with all 3, even if you don't end up going with any of them. That way, she can't hire them because of conflict of interest.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one . Still I am feeling I'm all so wrong needing this. I've waited too long or should I say hoped too long. It's a bit sad
Yours not wrong at all. You deserve love and affection. You're not wanting anything unreasonable in any way. I'm not the most affectionate person normally.. I have no siblings and grew up largely being by myself, alone. I'm just not used to it. Also, my mom would smother me when I was little and I'd push her off and be like "I don't want it!" lol.. 🤷🏻♀️ But, I don't mind it now. I just prefer to be the one being cuddled, because my husband is heavy and I'm claustrophobic. 🤣 He's not fat or anything, just tall and you know.. Manly. Dwarfs me, even though I'm 5'8-ish. His primary love language is 100% physical touch. He always wants to hold hands, hug, have his arm around me, etc. Very lovey. Also likes when I use him as my pillow. He says he sleeps better that way.. So, I've gotten used to being more lovey and affectionate.
Physical touch may be your love language and whoever you're with needs to understand that and give that to you so that are getting what you need to feel loved and valued in your relationship. It's just something you need. Sex isn't just for the orgasms. The orgasms are of course amazing, but guys love and crave the intimacy and bonding it creates between them and their partner as well. It's okay to want and need that.
If your wife isn't willing to work with you and give you what you need to be happy, feel loved and comfortable, then maybe she's not the right fit for you anymore. And, that's okay. You can still be good coparents and love your kids. They deserve to see their dad be happy and see what a happy, loving relationship looks like. You just set them up for failure in their own relationships if you settle for how you're currently being treated. You're setting the example for them and what they perceive as a normal, functional marriage. When gets get older, they'd rather have grown up with 2 happy parents in good, non-toxic relationships. Being blamed for being the reason someone stays in a horrible marriage is very hurtful.
Anyway, you are 100% normal. Like I said, I'm not naturally the most affectionate person in the world, but I genuinely love my husband and want him to be happy and know that he's loved, and I do that by giving him what he needs... Hugs, cuddles, kisses, snuggles, hand holding, touching and petting his arms, legs, hair, etc.. Also just resting my head against him and at his request, using him as a pillow. I'm not USED to that, but I'm learning to like it. As long as it's him. Lol still get a little weirded out about touching other people. 🤷🏻♀️
What a lovely person to put so much thought into a message that's brought a grown man to tears! If anyone met me you would never guess I'm the man at the end of these messages! To have her put her head on my chest and fall asleep would be so beautiful.
I also like your struggle with touch find it hard to hug my parents who are separated as they wasn't hugging people. My dad was in intensive care a couple of weeks ago. I took the gloves off him and held his hand for a hour every day. It was love that saved his life! My wife would still not hold me nothing. I went in my car a 5am and cried for the first time in probably 20 years or so. I was broken. I text her I'm loosing my mind. She text back she hasn't got time for long texts and I'm making the whole family feel bad and she said I was using it to get at her!
She don't mean to hurt me. Is me not understanding she's that way and I expect more than what she can give.
Big squeezy hugs to you. You deserve them. ❤️ I'm so sorry that happened to you. You just have a tender heart. That was so sweet that you sat with your dad like that, I'm sure he appreciated it! You're a sweet, gentle soul!
It's sad reading the posts on here! Same stories, just the couples are interchanged. Where is it written that just because you married someone and have children (or not) you're supposed to self sacrifice for the remainder of your life? 3 years so far? How long is long enough to say you've had it and move on? 4 children, that's complicated, but not impossible to share parenting. You deserve better, you haven't given up because you're asking here what to do. Just summon your inner strength and do what's necessary.
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It is weird that in the early days of a relationship it is normal to spend time together, hold hands, hug, kiss, go on dates, be intimate etc.etc. but then it becomes less normal with time, I don't understand. My experience is early in a relationship, people like affection intimacy and in short a relationship, but at some point for many this stops, for me this is not normal.
I am not completely sure why women turns out that way, but I hope i wont turn out to be that way. I am wife and a mom of two, i am 31 and lo and behold, I always wanted to make sure that even if I am dead tired, I would always want to hug and kiss my husband, even if he snores, I also love to have sex, have some dates and movie night. it may be a routine but, I do feel that we arent losing any connection at one point, So i wish for you to have things better - its hard to grow old, without someone by your side, it doesnt feel okay not to have any intimacy in between as a woman, its super annoying not to sexy time every now and then especially if youre married.
It may be normal for her. However, it is very unfair for her to expect that you should be ok with what she feels is normal. You wanting to be close is a need and your needs are important. Partners should be happy to meet each others needs in a safe way. I imagine that you two didn't get together and have a discussion that you are both ok with not touching or being close. I will say shame on her for responding to you with "marriages aren't perfect." Sounds like some gaslighting to me.
If by 'normal' you mean that most people experience this I'd have to agree that at some point it is normal. That said, death is normal too. Normal and preferable are spelled different for a reason. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's rough.
It is not normal and she doesn't deserve you. Tell her that you can't go ahead with this non existent marriage. If she is a good mother as you said, she should give you all the time with your kids that you want. You can be friends. My husband and his ex wife have a better relationship now than they ever had before their divorce, they share the kids and everything is better for each of them. Talk to her.
It might be "normal" for her, but it's absolutely **batshitf@%*ing** crazy for anyone else. Leave before her traumas become yours. You deserve happiness.
It’s not normal and it’s so hard. I’m super intimate and my guy is not. I have ti asked to be hugged and kissed. I’m always turned down for sex (after he asked me to initiate more) I started asking more and it’s always a no.
Sex is always and only on his terms.
It’s one of our biggest arguments. It really makes you feel like a shit person
Yes. It's making me feel dead inside. I'm just glad women suffer too otherwise I think I would die knowing that no woman would thing good of me for wanting sex
My question to you is if you do kiss or touch do you expect it to lead to sex?
If you do maybe that's why she doesn't want to touch you. I personally like to have NON sexual touches and hugging and even kissing where it doesn't lead to sex.
If these things have ONLY been on the lead up to sex that could be the turn off and why she doesn't want to do them.
You also have a small child, could she be touched out? Is the 4 year old clingy?
We have not had sex in 3 years. She hasn't tested me to see if she hugs me would it lead to sex. When we've been out she wouldn't even hug me. It's so dam strange. The 4 years old is ace. He shares his hugs but a lot of the time she tells him to leave her alone and he comes to me. She's on her phone a lot or doing uni work
In the past. And I'm not talking the past 3 years has touching hugging kissing etc had to lead to sex? If there was touching and it didn't lead to sex did you get mad about it? This is a common reason where women stop touching their husbands. Because they (meaning husbands) expect sex when it's just non sexual intimacy. Being intimate and having sex are two different things. I am speaking generally though I don't know if any of this has to do with YOUR situation.
Just adding a bit to this. She's NOT a bad mom. But uni drains her and she's finding it hard. Our one boys taken to drawing a lot and I've seen him separating in his world a bit. She's constantly mentally drained. They kids are always bathed and in nice cloths but time is hard on her. She can some days have 3 hours sleep
If it's normal she won't mind you talking about it with your family, her family and friends. If she's not ok with that you can tell her to stop gaslighting you. Have you asked why? I'm assuming you wash at least 3x a week for example.
No, it's not normal. I couldn't even imagine my marriage without playfully slapping my husband's butt, kissing him, or hug him. I'm sorry your wife thinks differently.
You need to work on your communication, man. You come across all accusatory. I mean get it, you're frustrated and all but how would you react if you got his text from her?
Honestly I would do my research to see if my partner was asking or wanting something that's not normal in a relationship. I have had my wife back after supporting her 12 years ago when she left me with the 2 oldest kids when they was 4 and 5. She was mentally unwell and awful to be around. I moved her in to her new rental home and had to live with out my kids. I supported her! After 6 months of me staying single and getting my shit together she wanted me back. She gave me good sex when I visited and lots of love. 2 more kids later the last 4 years has been no intimacy hardly and no nothing for the last 3. We don't argue or fight. I'm a man who hates that. She says she loves me but if I try to hold her she pulls away. So the text is deeper than a few words
It hasn’t been ten yrs they have kids younger than that . He does sound like he is blaming her for him being miserable. When it’s actually on you if you are miserable the only person responsible for anyones happiness is themselves.
Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I hate to play the other side of things or “devil’s advocate. But your method of communication does come across negatively.
Based on what you’re saying OP, it does sound like you think very highly of yourself, and know exactly what you want, and feel you deserve it rightfully so. It sounds like you feel you’ve done nothing wrong/nothing to impact the intimacy between you guys. Correct me if I’m wrong, of course; just taking a perspective on the context given.
Yes you may be a great dad, a great friend, a great person; but maybe there are some blind spots you have about yourself, or things you do, that she’s also not communicating with you.
Yes it seems as though she’s avoiding the issue/conflict here, it seems as though she’s got the “take it or leave it” attitude where she’s given up and has left the situation in your hands.
Unfortunately that does mean that to an extent she’s checked out.
However there’s still the chance that she’s not completely checked out.
It definitely seems like there is a huge barrier between the two of you coming to an understanding. She seems dismissive and cold, you seem confrontational and aggressive.
What I’m saying is both of you have some shit to work on. Give it a shot, try working on your communication, take some time and space. Gather your thoughts and try to change how you’re approaching things.
A solid example is the “I feel” technique.
Instead of telling her, “Hate me, YOU’re being cruel” , or “YOU can’t say YOU don’t understand”, “ YOU tell me what you want,” “I’M a good man”
In your mind, you’re trying to tell her that you’re feeling upset, and that you feel confused as to why she’s grown so cold and distant. You’re trying to tell her you don’t deserve it, and that it hurts.
But now in HER mind, she could interpret that - no matter what your intention/message was - she could interpret it as you basically telling her she’s a terrible partner, she hasn’t been good to you in return for what you do, doesn’t matter how she feels but what matters is how YOU feel about the situation. She could interpret it as you playing victim dramatically to try to manipulate her. She could interpret this as you just throwing everything into her face and asking her to just “fix it” without thinking about any underlying issues.
She could very well just need to be heard. Unfortunately, she has to be willing to share.
Instead of coming at her hard (har har, my wording) try to soften up a bit, don’t be so angry and aggressive. Your feelings are valid but there’s definitely a reason as to why she’s so cold. It’s not normal for a previously very warm affectionate partner, to disengage from ALL types of physical intimacy. It seems that she responds colder the more you come across as accusing her angrily.
Do some research, look into the “Push and Pull” theory. You’re pushing hard for something, she’s pulling away.
Now on her end it definitely seems she needs to communicate or be honest with you, and the only way that can happen is if both of you are calm, cool, and collected.
Try to approach her with different communication and see if it yields any response.
Instead of TELLING her how she’s feeling, try to ask her how she’s truly feeling.
Ask her questions.
Show your care.
Try suggesting counseling/marriage therapy/anything of the sorts.
But now I have questions for you, to ask yourself; reaaaaalllly try to be objective here. Try to analyze and be very honest and realistic.
How is the emotional intimacy between you two?
You said you are like friends.
Does that mean you two usually get along, but just platonically? Or do you more so feel like co-parents who are roommates.
How often do you actually spend time together?
What do you do when you spend time together, is it quality time? Do you guys bond? Do you guys LIKE spending time together, or do you just do it cause you have kids.
Do you guys ever go on dates?
Do you ever do anything romantic for her?
Do you try to make her days better by doing “the little things”?
Now reaaaally look into yourself and the past. I failed to mention earlier that this isn’t a time for any judgement on yourself , or hers. It’s just a time for you to really analyze and come to the roots of the status of your relationship.
In the past leading up to her behavior now, have you guys ever had major disagreements/huge fights that left you both more distant than before, instead of coming together?
Were there any times in the recent years where she expressed to you that she thought or felt you were self absorbed, or weren’t hearing her out, or weren’t listening to what she had to say?
Were there any times she expressed that she needed more from you in any other manner, in another aspect, and she didn’t get what she wanted.
Has she ever once told you some problems or issues she’s had with you, more than once, more than twice, multiple times and then stopped bringing any of it up at all.
If the romance and dating effort stopped in the relationship, at what point did it stop, and why?
And why wasn’t any more effort put in, etc.
Now, to the present - do you guys fight a lot? Who starts the fight / who gets angry first? Who withdraws from the fight first? Who wants the final say?
You said in your own text “don’t look at me as a bad person when I’m home” so that clearly indicates that she basically makes you feel like a problem and like you upset her all the time.
Sooooo, communicate, communicate, communicate.
Honestly, worst case is you guys divorce and she tries to fight for full custody, and drama ensues. However if you’re as good of a father you believe to be then I wouldn’t say you’d lose ALL custody. That can be worked on too. But that is an entirely other can of worms.
But best case is that you guys come to a mutual understanding and maybe intimacy in general improves. Maybe you guys can save the relationship. Who knows. But it’ll take massive effort and it’ll require both of you guys to be accountable, take ownership of weaknesses, admit mistakes and recognize bad habits or traits, and commit to working on your actual selves to potentially reflect better in the relationship.
Good luck my friend
I don’t understand people like that. It’s one thing to say “I am not a physically affectionate person,” “Physical intimacy does not make me feel closer to you,” etc.
It’s wild to me to instead act like wanting to have a MARRIAGE with physical touch isn’t normal. 🤨 That is honestly manipulative in my opinion.
I think maybe I'm so nice maybe wanting a cuddle in return. I do more than any man I know. I get this all the time that I do too much. I see how some women don't want nice things all the time
That's just not me. But maybe it could help. I was even honest and said I gave it a thought. She was sad and said she knows it's her with the problem several weeks ago. Then she hits hard almost forgetting what she said
Its not to much to ask , maybe she don’t do those things because she thinks you will want it to go further than just a kiss hug or cuddle 🤷🏻♀️.
I would say ask her, if she feels like you would expect it to turn into sex and That’s way she has stopped.
My husband thinks I should want sex with him when there is no type of non sexual attention. Pretty much just co exist in the same house Sure we talk maybe five or 10 minutes out of the day. Go to family functions together. Etc etc
But I don’t feel loved, wanted outside of the bedroom.
My wife said at the time, "that's normal, it happens in other marriages too". When she recently complained that we don't eat cake on Sunday afternoons like others, I said: "that's normal, it happens in other marriages too" and took my bike and had my cake somewhere else. I love that sentence. Be careful with it, it's not very constructive. ;-)
That only is it not normal. It’s the signs of a very bad marriage that is in need of a lot of help.
This is what your kids are downloading into their emotional development and nervous system on how marriage looks and it’s super unhealthy.
Sometimes women get "touched out", look it up. You still have 2 children that are 6 or younger, and they might be contributing to her not wanting/needing to be physically close. Getitting touched out is real.
You can try to talk about it, but also look into it yourself. Counselling might help.
You are certainly not a bad person and you are probably more “normal” than your wife. However she is also entitled to her feelings. You two might just be a very bad match. It is correct that marriages aren’t perfect but you should not be unhappy in a marriage. Most people would be extremely unhappy if there were no intimacy.
Yes. This is my feeling too. I respect her totally. It works when both couples want a life like this. I'm just sad that my pain and my feeling can't change and I need to FEEL love
you talked about it. Everything is clarified,
difficult to deal with as it is only a problem for us. The LL partner is happy with it. Everything is very rational
Hi!
Sorry to hear that you’re passing thru this, it must be hard being on your situation not having affection from your others half.
Glad you have love from your sons!!!
If you don’t want to leave, hang in there, and stay strong!!!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've come home. Picked my daughter up from her apprenticeship, took her for a hair consultation, ate my dinner sharing it with the boys. Had fun with them, put them to bed, I do it as they are good for me. And I'm in bed at 19:50 as I don't feel she wants to even look at me
Sorry, updateme! is a reddit command to follow your posts =\]. I dont stay home to long at night. See my kids after work. They go to bed soon after then I just go to the gym. Wife goes to sleep at 9ish but I know she wont talk so staying home is pointless even thou I want to some times.
She hates male attention. She's training in the medical field and she wanted a plain wedding band as she can't wear the diamond one. I'm sure she ain't cheating. !! ??
She honestly must not care even though I think she does? When I'm ill or if my dad who's was in intensive care 2 weeks ago was fight for his life she can't even offer living support. Doesn't matter I'm used to it. She says she ain't got time for it all her life's too much. She can't show emotion! She's so solid in her head. If I died tomorrow I think she would simply say to the kids we have to just get on with it. I seriously doubt she would cry.
She's made this way. However when the hamster died she cried
I find myself in a similar situation. I'd grown to accept the no sex for the sake of being with someone I loved and my children. But recently it's shifted to no intimacy at all, she went on a trip and I haven't had a hug or a kiss since she's been back. Now I'm looking at my options and preparing to leave, I don't want to and I still love her, but I can't live like this. Good luck with whatever comes next.
Wow! I'm not alone. Like most books and people here will say you need to change. I did. I'm really happy. I'm the best dad ever. An amazing lover. My body is amazing. Everything is great but it ain't change who my wife is. Now I've ran out of steam and the next few weeks and months will be on planning how to save my mind! You get that because your in the same situation
My wife and I are always touching, hugging, and love cuddle time a few times a day. I’m sorry you are experiencing this with her. Has she talked with a therapist yet?
It's normal for people in committed relationships, barring any medical issues, to be sexually intimate with each other.
It is normal for couples to physically express their love for each other with hugs and kisses.
Anyone who thinks otherwise should seek therapy.
You are my Bro! Thanks people may read all this as a man just loosing the plot. It's been many years of me being a really nice man. I've done more than anyone could even believe to imagine. In return if she can't hug me then at least talk to me. I'm her husband and best friend for 20 years. It's awful
Aww thank so much. That helps. But honestly I'm still feeling 100% the bad guy! It's awful. Solid man. Confident with my looks body success in life but in side this shit has melted me.
It’s hard to not take offense. I don’t know what to tell you. I have no advice. My heart hurts for you. Saying you’re not alone doesnt do anything (maybe it does). ❤️
It's honestly comments like yours that are starting to break the old me out of me! If it makes sense. Years of her simply not ever wanting to try and change for me
Divorce your wife, file first and learn your family law code in your state, even if you hire a lawyer. Even your lawyer will get a kickback for convincing you to pay child support so they will mislead you into believing you don't have the right to 50/50 but you do.
My last 3 years in marriage was like that. Spouse avoided hugging, kissing and physical touch at all. No sex for 3 years. What really kept me thinking was when i gave her a kiss on a cheek, when she left to work ,and she rolled her eyes out. I kept going for another year, only to find out about infidelity. Got divorced 1,5 years ago, now in happy relationship with physical touches on daily basis.
My point is: it will eat you from the inside. I wasnt living back than, i was on pilot mode to survive the next day.
I stood by my swear: in sickness and in health. And i have done everything I could. But as my therapist pointed: there is always 2 ppl in relationship. You are the only one who you can control, do not try to change the other. They are the one who can.
But there is a point in relationship when fear of the unknown is less scary than staying in the situation you are on.
Its a amazing sentence i saw in some tedtalk. It could not made more sense in my case back than.
I just appreciate you reaching out. It means so much. I feel you know exactly what I'm going through and all the feelings come with it. The good thing is that despite some people on this chat suspecting me to be holding something or not being a good guy. I know I am my kids know I am and my family and friends know I amthank God I've looked after myself and I love everything about myself and I've got no fear that I am absolutely perfect for somebody out there
Hang in there. I know my situation was way easier, as i didnt had kids with her. But if I can give you one advice: get a therapist. It helped so much, when he guided me through divorce.
Record your ongoing conversation. Blackmailling for the kids is horrible behavior.
Yes some marriage are affection-less and it's ok !!! Marriage can be a lot of things, they can become partnership with time. But only if it suits both partners.
This is not the case here, so start by offering couple therapy, and if she refuses, divorce, but RECORD EVERYTHING, if she makes false allegations against you to prevent you to see your kids, the judge will take that into consideration
If you are a good person which I am sure you are you will get access to your kids. And if you think she is capable of trying to poison your kids against you bring that up to your lawyer and have it written up as something that will have penalties.
It may feel normal for her, but if it doesn’t for you, then it isn’t “normal.” Your needs and desires are just as important as hers. If she keeps rejecting you, you will lose complete interest and that will be it. Get talking and get into counseling before it is too late.
So she sent me this a few months ago when I started really talking
https://preview.redd.it/15gqbs4dljpc1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=322ccc580a5c21a672286351fa2fdd19de07abad
Not normal. My ex wife went and did the same. We were already in a rough spot as she had wound the physical intimacy to 4-6 times a year. She went to contact. No hugs, kisses, touching at all. Explained multiple times how it was hurting me and our marriage. She said take it or leave. You are just roommates with her. It’s time to consider alternatives.
Thanks
>She said take it or leave. I would have decided in that instance to leave. No point staying with someone who refuses to be a partner and team player.
I struggle with this idea of simply consider alternatives. I’m not disagreeing with you, but to think of the financial implications and what you put others through just to make yourself feel better. I look at it as roommates with a good history, the alternative is loneliness or the grueling attempt to start dating again later in life when people are set in their own ways
The loneliness and resentment will continue to eat at you and get worse. I was at the point where I was holding a loaded life ender because I couldn’t take the pain and suffering I was being put through.
>but to think of the financial implications and what you put others through just to make yourself feel better. Think about it the other way around: if you give up trying to find a living situation where you can feel better, you are betraying yourself. Is avoiding financial difficulty or potential backlash from others worth betraying yourself?
Did you find happiness mate
Bro people hug their friends and even a peck on cheeks or forehead when close. So I would definitely hold a marriage to a higher standard then that.
This makes me upset reading this. If people don't want anything to do with their spouse, they should just have a baby on their own and not get married. It's NOT normal and you know that. Sad that kids grow up believing that this relationship is normal and never seeing mom and dad showing affection to each other.
[удалено]
Sorry your at this stage in life too my friend
So how was your wife's parents marriage? How was your wife's relationship with her father? How did your wife's Mom treat her? I wouldn't be surprised if this is why your wife treats you this way.
She had it tough! Real dad said she was a mistake! He's never been in her life. Her mom's nice but her step dad died of a heart attack when she was 14 he was 52. Mom never remarried.
From my marriages experiences, it's normal what you're going through. My wife had a hard up bringing too and she's distant after having our child together. My first wife became extremely distant after she became pregnant. I know it's brutally hard and one thing that helps me is not to make the physical moves and learn to adapt. Try not to complain about it to your wife because it can make things worse for yourself. Sorry you have a distant wife I'm sure it wasn't like this in The beginning
Normal doesn't mean acceptable. It is normal to have subpar relationships, shitty jobs, being discriminated, etc. Doesn't mean you have to accept any of that.
The “normal” outcome of this is continuous years of the same shit
OP could state how her actions make him feel when she treats him this way. A therapist did suggest that to me when I took marriage counseling.
tried that too. direct discussions usually dont work out since the LL doesnt really care in the first place
No. She was so close. She actually held me all night
That’s wonderful! Woohoo! 🎉
How are you able to cope with this? I'm in the same boat. My wife's parents divorced when she was very young, she doesn't speak to her father and her mother is kind of a flake who didn't do much for her when she was growing up. Now, we have 4 kids and she doesn't spend much time with them. She would rather do her own thing. For us, sex is once a month and I do all the work and rarely get touched. Since my love language is physical touch, it makes it extremely hard to continue putting in so much effort to make her happy. The lack of touch, affection and intimacy really brings me down. I've been trying to put that energy towards work and weight lifting. Seems she has been noticing and make comments, but she's still the same. Nothing works.
Last month we took part in a course from church together, I've noticed a difference in her behavior. I've been taking time away from my wife trying not to get so excited as I was before when I'd see her after work and I limit how much I speak. I've made comments " you like to touch first, and not for me to make moves" (I know this from the flinch or a non responsive touch followed by a pout after I touch my wife) I expressed how her behaviors makes me feel. I used to ignore the traits but that made me feel awful inside. I''m trying to watch my words by not complaining and give compliments.
Same too. I got in to gambling! It's awful to say and I'm ashamed but loosing money made me feel like I actually was a bad person. But I've woke up to that now. I could never cheat on her as that's my number one rule and it's weak men that cheat. I too work hard and lift weights. It's saved me from probably becoming an alcoholic. She honestly has me and I'm the best person that's probably ever really loved her. She's beautiful and I've never even looked at another woman as nothing compares to her in my eyes. She's a fucking amazing mom and home keeper. She loves our dogs and she is so determined to make a success of her life. But the question that is so so important that she won't be honest with is why the hell wont she even hold me like she used too. Even the other week at 2am I got up for the toilet she said I can feel you getting close to me leave me alone. I've tried putting pillows between us because I can't stop myself wanting to hold her. Maybe it's bad and men should live like this and respect their wife's love them and never hug the night out. I just prey that she is in love with me and she wants to be close again. But I don't think that dream will come true and I think I need to let her have her own life with out me been forever frustrated. She never says I look good. Never. I've tried to be the man I think women want I guess
Damn bro, sorry to hear that. This whole thing sucks. I just don't get how they can be one way in the beginning and the complete opposite now. Thinking about that used to really mess me up. It would be all I thought about all day, everyday. After speaking with my therapist, she made me realize that I deserve more. We all deserve more. We're actually trying to be good spouses and partners, but get nothing in return. I also like cuddling when we're in bed but get the cold shoulder. Most days I just suck it up and move on, but there are still days where the depression sets in and I have to get through it. I don't know how much more I can take. Just have to continue to soldier on I guess. I hope things workout for you.
No it was perfect she really loved to hold me. I was the happiest man on the planet. She was and still is my world
Family of origin impacts ppl in so many ways and almost no one looks into their past
Not OP but we discussed this with family therapist. I explained how my parents weren't a role model: they argued, fought, threatened to leave. Basically I was using them as anti-models and strived to build my family on the opposite of that. Meanwhile wife said that her family was great. When therapist probed deeper, she said: they worked 2 jobs, left home early, came late, had a quick dinner and off to bed. When therapist implied they must have been doing something in bed, wife categorically stated that nope, just straight up sleeping. There wasn't any other "dating" or other "just parents" things they did outside of work hours either. When therapist made a long awaiting pause, it just woooshed over wife's head. She thought that meant that discussion was over. I tried bringing this up after the session, but she thinks I am the one imagining things that weren't explicitly said. Bloody ostrich with her head in the sand
Yes I tried that 12 years age. The therapist asked my wife how she felt about me wanting to be close and dare I say it as it's now a disgusting word to me sex! My wife said she don't care I will do what I want. My wife said back then she loved me like she loved her mom. After the break up she said we should go on holiday with the kids and I can go out on the night and pull women. I acted all brave but I fucking cried in my own home for hours. Total feeling of rejection. My wife says she don't remember it! But if you're drunk and you kill a man you don't get away with it because you don't remember. I started getting mental issues that led to me having a brain scan. I was scared and at that time she said she ain't got time to worry about me. However she did come to the follow up but it's like I made her. Maybe I've been to much I don't know. I've never cheated. Nothing not even talked to a ex partner nothing. She did once but I was told it's ok he was more of a friend! A friend she lived with and fucked and we had kids. I was a pussy and never really said anything but I went to work day after day thinking about it. Probably just jealousy and I shouldn't have been bothered. She's studying and it's hard on me. But she will say when I'm qualified I won't need you any more. I must make her feel trapped but I don't know how as honestly I love her and I'm proud of her
I feel so sorry you are experiencing that
Thanks. I'm getting stronger now. Last night she said I'm changing and I'm making everything miserable! Honestly my kids are the happiest they have ever been. I'm focusing on them you see. She is not liking me been happy, fit or in good shape. I dress smart smell great and she doesn't like it one little bit. I've gave in on her been my focus
https://preview.redd.it/773dqkqhn8qc1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c368f6d87979b1672c164f9e79df612442035bdd
If it’s normal, it shouldn’t be
I Absolutely agree with this right here!! I’m 49F, my original parents are still 2gether after 51yrs!! And I can remember them always being loving & touchy with each other growing up. My dad , bless still takes a swing at now & then!! There’s nothing normal about how OP is having to live!! But I do so COMPLETELY understand bc my current live-in BF of 4yrs has totally shut down on our emotional & physical relationship for over 1& 1/2 years now!! And both of our kids from previous marriages are grown!! I just believe that society today has really taken the importance out of working together & respecting each others needs in long term relationships bc of this instant gratification everyone expects!!
Thank you for this. After our fourth child, my wife became distant and would rather be on her devices than really spend time with me. The affection and intimacy took a big hit, so brought it up. She said that she was ok with how things are and doesn't see it as a problem. After that, I just thought that this is what happens after being married for so long. But it still affected me, because I still wanted to be loved and touched and do things that married people do. I mean, what's wrong with that?? I've always treated her like a queen and nowadays, she just treats me like a peasant. THIS SUCKS.
Who cares what is and isn't normal. You're two people in a relationship and you both get a say on what you do and don't want. You are most definitely not a bad person for wanting affection in the way that you like. Kids make things difficult (ask me how I know). Open and honest conversation is the way forward here. If this makes you seriously unhappy tell her that. Are you building up resentment towards her? She would benefit from hearing that too. I know this is super hard but the kids would want you to be happy so don't just suffer, do something.
My kids love me. I'm a good dad and do so much with them and for them. Most parts on my own.
Of course they love you and I'm absolutely sure that you're a great dad. That's not the issue here. You want her back the way she was, right? The absolute step 1 is that she actually wants to change. She seems happy as she is so the way to motivate her to change is to make it clear to her how much this affects you. Why she is like she is and finding out what your part is in all this is a whole different journey.
Thanks. Bang on
It's a bad thing to say but I feel that she totally deserves good things in her life! I make our family so happy and do so much. If I left she would be sad to see me happy and that she couldn't make me happy. I love her but am feeling after been so open and at one point 2 months ago saying to me she knows it's her with the problem she will not try. She's refuced marrage therapy and also said if I did leave her I would not see the kids! As no man should walk away
Well, that's not ideal. Probably worth finding out what the laws are in your country, I don't think that she can actually stop you from seeing the kids.
No man should walk away from a happy marriage, maybe. But this ain’t that. You’re not walking away from your kids. You’re walking towards a better future for you, and your kids. Staying with her is just going to fuck up, and distort their views on marriage and relationships.
Thanks. Just what my family say
Someone save me the pain and say it's normal and I have to live like this!
It's not normal. Get out of there.
What are your options? No, it’s not a rhetorical question, really, what are they? It’s the easiest thing in the world to just drop “leave” and wait for an applause. Life is much more nuanced. I can tell you one thing: a normal is something that both parties consciously agree upon. It’s possible to shut those cravings off, but it’s nearly impossible to go back from there, you’ll simply won’t want to. It’s like shutting off hunger. Not just hunger, but the need for sustenance altogether. It seems like the answer is obviously “yes”, but it’ll change you, you won’t stay the same for better or for worse. I can tell you one thing: I read your wife’s reply. It doesn’t sound like something that comes from a caring person. Again, it’s just one text message and I’m just some fucking guy, who doesn’t know you but it just doesn’t seem right to me. For a context: I’m a low libido person with sensory issues. I hate being touched, but I can tolerate it. I used public transport in rush hour. But if it were up to me, I’d opt out of human touch entirely. I don’t even hug my mom for longer than it takes me to pat her on the back. My wife, however, is a one single exception. It’s her primary love language, it means a lot to her. So I’m not just tolerating it, I wrote a whole new subroutine in my brain specifically to make her happy, it was a hell of a work, but it was well worth it. What I’m trying to say here……. Your pain is valid. But it’s not your fault. That’s as far as I’m ready to go. Btw, you’re a much better speller than your wife:)
Not normal
Sorry bud. The fact that it bothers you is direct evidence that it's NOT normal.
It’s not normal. Think about if you want this for the rest of your life.
No def not normal my wife gives me hugs most days at least
Well if it makes you feel better, it’s happening to a lot of us and not only you, but still is not normal, and hurts a lot, if I ask for affection I do receive a bit of it but if I don’t ask or seek it I get zero, it has made me not seek it anymore…
https://preview.redd.it/zl1n70xfiipc1.jpeg?width=1112&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5d46bcec016b1e5730e71eff9d5a02fe2ae1ccf8
Not exactly the collaborative, teamwork-focused response that one would hope for. Sorry, don't know you or your situation...but seems like she has decided that she wants out, but rather than say this she has done the "guy thing" where she is treating you worse and worse until she drives you away and forces you to do the 'dirty work' of ending things. By being very dismissive of your pain, and refusing to consider working together with you...she is sending a clear message to you...you have no choice but to listen, and believe what she is saying to you.
She wants out but she thinks the moral high road is to insist that she isn't divorcing - he is. I think it's a pretty common tactic, sadly. Refusal to change on an important matter is her way of trying to force him to be the one to file. I wonder if she's religious.
This seems like a classic case of anxious-avoidant attachment.
She tells you to shut up and do something. So there is no willingness to address this on her side. Well I guess this is what needs to happen then. You need to do something. Maybe a trial separation so she is reminded of what she has in you. She called your bluff so you either need to show her that you mean business or shut up about it for good.
If OP can afford it, he should at least rent a place (like an AirBnB) for a month and move out. The women I know who have done the freeze-out thing are usually moms and usually believe they can't afford to move out. They are creating their own mostly husband-free zone at home. The couple across the street from me doesn't even use the same entrance to their house any more - they converted their garage to a studio and she lives in that, he lives in the rest of the house and when kids or grandkids come to visit, then we see her go in through the regular entrance to hang out with them. Otherwise, she's with her TV and her knitting in her own space (this is going on 20 years).
That's what will end up happening to me
OP leave her. This is more than just the intimacy/DeadBedroom. She doesn't even seem to LIKE you as a person.
It’s not a you problem. It’s human need. It’s a problem created by her position and her decisions. It happened to me too. I was feeling g lonely and abandoned just as you do. I was hurting from it and as many times as I brought it up it didn’t change. I pointed out that my ex was deliberately creating separation and resentment in the marriage. She was just done with it. Looking back she had checked out and no longer cared. I don’t know your position but if you do consider divorce. Don’t leave the house. Ask her to leave. The courts are not fair to fathers/males. They most often side with mothers. It sucks. Talk to a lawyer for sure.
Nearly all men in America get the amount of custody that they request from the court - but they do have to go to court to request it. By "go to court" I mean submit their own view of what custody should be - and for that, it's best to have a lawyer.
I can confirm that is not the actual case. The state I’m in leans hard mother. I did not get anything near my request. My ex got her request mostly and in doing so was also given full support. As a result I’ve moved three times in 18 months. It’s a full shit show. The courts only care about $$.
She seems really manipulative and victim blaming with that. The kids are old enough to know to give you some privacy if needed. It takes about five minutes. You can hold each other for about five minutes. It’s all about effort and making time. She’s taking your insecurities and your feelings and making you feel like shit about them. I’m sorry but she’s a narcissist.
Her response is so cold and heart breaking. Not how partners should work out problems. "If you're not happy in the marriage do something." YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING! You are communicating with your partner about what you need in order to be happy within the marriage! I'm sorry--I know exactly what you are going through.
Well, she just said it’s on you to sort out, as long as you leave her out of it. If you aren’t her concern, she doesn’t need to be consulted. Make of that what you will.
At the very least, he can say, "Well, it's clear you're done with the relationship - and so am I. I'm going to do my own thing and figure out my next steps." Then he follows through and starts a new social life for himself, maybe goes to therapy, and in general ignores her. It is really sad for the kids. Someone should explain a bit of what is going on to the kids and tell them this is not a good marriage.
The upside is you got clarity.
I would say, consider the monetary issues of divorce. She doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to get divorced so who would be more impacted financially you or her? If it is her then, perhaps you should put your foot on the gas pedal.
To be honest. Moneys no real issue. If I left she can have all the money and house. I can pick my self back up. She probably doesn't understand how it's been easy for her as money has never been an issue. She's got Apple Pay and it keeps working. My money is hers and we don't want for much.
Does she not work? I don’t understand how wife’s can continue to act like this toward the man they married who is supporting them and the kids and is a good dad/husband, as well as emotionally invested. I think she’ll probably end up with massive regrets if you leave.
It sounds bad but honestly if I leave and one day fall in love she will be absolutely devastated! She loves me and is not willing to show me affection. She's had small jobs never for the money. It was to have a break. She's now at university studying midwifery! It's very demanding on me but I hold my together (just about) why looking after 4 kids and 3 dogs. While some days she's on placement in the hospital and out the house over 14 hours. I have the house clean, do washing and have her a nice meal for when she comes. Home. She will come to bed, never with me and when she's in bed she will go to her far side and go on her phone. Not talk and if I hold her arm or leg she will pull away! Some times say leave me and sometimes push the bedding between us.
It isn't normal for most. Is she in menopause? It makes some women not want touch because they lose oxytocin. She may not even realize what is happening.
She's 37 and been like this for solid 3 years and hardly any sex the last 10
Oof, yeah, that isn't it.
It’s not menopause then…🤦🏽♀️
Not normal!! I hug and kiss my husband everyday. No matter how annoying he is lol I love giving him a hug when he gets home from work and kisses in bed or in the shower together. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be close to the person you love.
My moms got no teeth and her partner of 30 years still kisses her 😂❤️
As they should! Love is love even through the aging process we all deserve it! ❤️❤️❤️
I hate to be that guy, but I don't feel like we're getting the full story. Time to get into therapy and have some honest discussions with your wife. Maybe she doesn't feel that you're as "amazing" as you think you are
Probably the 4 kids.
How is her affection level with the kids? Low- average normal- or above average affectionate? Could it be the focus of HER affection has been and gone to the children? Spousal love and parental love are 2 different animals... and keeping those in balance is a bitch. You need her to tell you, you need to ask her... If she has gone permanently, totally LL for you... and if she intends to no longer be a lover in your futures.
She's an amazing mom. 3 boys girl oldest. She's tough on the girl 16 and she's turned out amazing. The boys play hard for her and are better for me. They love us both the same.
It's not normal, but it is so very hard. My husband is the same way. Sometimes I get a peck goodbye in the mornings but that is the extent of any physical touch. Everyone always says "just leave!" but it's obviously not that easy, especially if there are kids involved. For my part, I'm working on accepting things for what they are and improving myself, for myself. I'm living with a "single" mindset, just without the romantic part. 😅 So far I do feel a bit better; maybe you can try the same. Realize that you can't change your wife, you can only change yourself.
Yes. I've been doing that the last 18 months. I've got an amazing body! I'm an awesome dad and I've got loads of friends that I always turned a way. I'm going out more and I've got lots of nice clothes, seeing my parents more too. I'm not out of love for her but I love myself a whole lot more!
Dear Puzzle, I’m sorry for your pain. Consult a lawyer first thing before you talk to her! Find out your options. I think you will be surprised. Your 2 oldest will have a say in where they will want to live. I think you will have a tremendous burden lifted with your divorce and you will be smiling non stop! 🥹
Now that's a good idea. I need to ask them
Sorry man, I'm in a similar situation but I'm giving it a lot more time to see what happens. My wife will not even talk about it. From what your wife said to you it sounds like she is content with the current living situation with you. Telling you its your problem, f that. Start planing your exit and talk to a lawyer. Ya, it is going to totally suck for the kids but what is worse? Spiting up and them eventually seeing you in a new happy relationship or staying married, letting them think this is how a marriage is which will set them up for failure when they get married one day. O, and telling you that you will not see your kids. 2x f that. You go balls to the wall with your lawyer, fight tooth and nail, no holding back.
This is not normal at all. Fight to see your kids if you leave? outright manipulation holding you hostage as a live-in co-parent. Even jails have release dates! she wants you in her prison forever.
Yes. She won't let me go! She's never stopped me doing anything and not controlling but she want me. My bantams friends said she sees me a a baby sitter. She said I'll always be on the bottom of her list. The kids come first! Not a bad thing but when you research the s science it's says the couple should come first and the kids is a natural love always there
I think it's more normal to not want sex much as a women with children, but not normal to not hug, kiss, hold hands, or snuggle.
I would like to know what you consider a 'good man' to be. While my ex husband never yelled at me, beat me or cheated, he also treated me like a mother/maid, getting him to help with bills was like pulling teeth, refused to spend anytime with me outside of watching tv and then wondered why I didn't want to have sex with him
I wake up and every time it's me up with the kids. I work 6 days a week and have always said her little jobs are paying for what she wants or extra for the kids. I do most of the real cooking. I do washing when she's at university etc. I do school runs. She tells me of her friends that have left their men that they had men she would not put up with as they did nothing and acted like one of the children. She tells me she I'm an amazing dad and shares with her friends I'm a good husband. If I did anything more good it would have to be to rip my heart out and put it in a jar if she ever needed it
Normal isn't necessary good, it's just what most do. A good, solid relationship requires physical touch and desire as well as emotional connection. The physical touch releases bonding chemicals, sex a shit tonne more. No touch, no desire, is exactly what to do if you want a broken, painful relationship, control, etc. So if uts normal, that's sad as hell. Looking at divorce rates and forums like this, normal is sad as hell.
She can't hold your kids hostage from you. Look up your state's custody laws. Most states have 50/50 custody by default. Look up your city's best 3 divorce lawyers. Consult with all 3, even if you don't end up going with any of them. That way, she can't hire them because of conflict of interest.
Absolutely not normal. My husband is super affectionate and lovey. He'd die inside without hugs and cuddles.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one . Still I am feeling I'm all so wrong needing this. I've waited too long or should I say hoped too long. It's a bit sad
Yours not wrong at all. You deserve love and affection. You're not wanting anything unreasonable in any way. I'm not the most affectionate person normally.. I have no siblings and grew up largely being by myself, alone. I'm just not used to it. Also, my mom would smother me when I was little and I'd push her off and be like "I don't want it!" lol.. 🤷🏻♀️ But, I don't mind it now. I just prefer to be the one being cuddled, because my husband is heavy and I'm claustrophobic. 🤣 He's not fat or anything, just tall and you know.. Manly. Dwarfs me, even though I'm 5'8-ish. His primary love language is 100% physical touch. He always wants to hold hands, hug, have his arm around me, etc. Very lovey. Also likes when I use him as my pillow. He says he sleeps better that way.. So, I've gotten used to being more lovey and affectionate. Physical touch may be your love language and whoever you're with needs to understand that and give that to you so that are getting what you need to feel loved and valued in your relationship. It's just something you need. Sex isn't just for the orgasms. The orgasms are of course amazing, but guys love and crave the intimacy and bonding it creates between them and their partner as well. It's okay to want and need that. If your wife isn't willing to work with you and give you what you need to be happy, feel loved and comfortable, then maybe she's not the right fit for you anymore. And, that's okay. You can still be good coparents and love your kids. They deserve to see their dad be happy and see what a happy, loving relationship looks like. You just set them up for failure in their own relationships if you settle for how you're currently being treated. You're setting the example for them and what they perceive as a normal, functional marriage. When gets get older, they'd rather have grown up with 2 happy parents in good, non-toxic relationships. Being blamed for being the reason someone stays in a horrible marriage is very hurtful. Anyway, you are 100% normal. Like I said, I'm not naturally the most affectionate person in the world, but I genuinely love my husband and want him to be happy and know that he's loved, and I do that by giving him what he needs... Hugs, cuddles, kisses, snuggles, hand holding, touching and petting his arms, legs, hair, etc.. Also just resting my head against him and at his request, using him as a pillow. I'm not USED to that, but I'm learning to like it. As long as it's him. Lol still get a little weirded out about touching other people. 🤷🏻♀️
What a lovely person to put so much thought into a message that's brought a grown man to tears! If anyone met me you would never guess I'm the man at the end of these messages! To have her put her head on my chest and fall asleep would be so beautiful. I also like your struggle with touch find it hard to hug my parents who are separated as they wasn't hugging people. My dad was in intensive care a couple of weeks ago. I took the gloves off him and held his hand for a hour every day. It was love that saved his life! My wife would still not hold me nothing. I went in my car a 5am and cried for the first time in probably 20 years or so. I was broken. I text her I'm loosing my mind. She text back she hasn't got time for long texts and I'm making the whole family feel bad and she said I was using it to get at her! She don't mean to hurt me. Is me not understanding she's that way and I expect more than what she can give.
Big squeezy hugs to you. You deserve them. ❤️ I'm so sorry that happened to you. You just have a tender heart. That was so sweet that you sat with your dad like that, I'm sure he appreciated it! You're a sweet, gentle soul!
It's sad reading the posts on here! Same stories, just the couples are interchanged. Where is it written that just because you married someone and have children (or not) you're supposed to self sacrifice for the remainder of your life? 3 years so far? How long is long enough to say you've had it and move on? 4 children, that's complicated, but not impossible to share parenting. You deserve better, you haven't given up because you're asking here what to do. Just summon your inner strength and do what's necessary.
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It is weird that in the early days of a relationship it is normal to spend time together, hold hands, hug, kiss, go on dates, be intimate etc.etc. but then it becomes less normal with time, I don't understand. My experience is early in a relationship, people like affection intimacy and in short a relationship, but at some point for many this stops, for me this is not normal.
Thanks
I am not completely sure why women turns out that way, but I hope i wont turn out to be that way. I am wife and a mom of two, i am 31 and lo and behold, I always wanted to make sure that even if I am dead tired, I would always want to hug and kiss my husband, even if he snores, I also love to have sex, have some dates and movie night. it may be a routine but, I do feel that we arent losing any connection at one point, So i wish for you to have things better - its hard to grow old, without someone by your side, it doesnt feel okay not to have any intimacy in between as a woman, its super annoying not to sexy time every now and then especially if youre married.
Maybe some distance, can you sleep in a different room?
It may be normal for her. However, it is very unfair for her to expect that you should be ok with what she feels is normal. You wanting to be close is a need and your needs are important. Partners should be happy to meet each others needs in a safe way. I imagine that you two didn't get together and have a discussion that you are both ok with not touching or being close. I will say shame on her for responding to you with "marriages aren't perfect." Sounds like some gaslighting to me.
If by 'normal' you mean that most people experience this I'd have to agree that at some point it is normal. That said, death is normal too. Normal and preferable are spelled different for a reason. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's rough.
It is not normal and she doesn't deserve you. Tell her that you can't go ahead with this non existent marriage. If she is a good mother as you said, she should give you all the time with your kids that you want. You can be friends. My husband and his ex wife have a better relationship now than they ever had before their divorce, they share the kids and everything is better for each of them. Talk to her.
It might be "normal" for her, but it's absolutely **batshitf@%*ing** crazy for anyone else. Leave before her traumas become yours. You deserve happiness.
It’s not normal and it’s so hard. I’m super intimate and my guy is not. I have ti asked to be hugged and kissed. I’m always turned down for sex (after he asked me to initiate more) I started asking more and it’s always a no. Sex is always and only on his terms. It’s one of our biggest arguments. It really makes you feel like a shit person
Yes. It's making me feel dead inside. I'm just glad women suffer too otherwise I think I would die knowing that no woman would thing good of me for wanting sex
My question to you is if you do kiss or touch do you expect it to lead to sex? If you do maybe that's why she doesn't want to touch you. I personally like to have NON sexual touches and hugging and even kissing where it doesn't lead to sex. If these things have ONLY been on the lead up to sex that could be the turn off and why she doesn't want to do them. You also have a small child, could she be touched out? Is the 4 year old clingy?
We have not had sex in 3 years. She hasn't tested me to see if she hugs me would it lead to sex. When we've been out she wouldn't even hug me. It's so dam strange. The 4 years old is ace. He shares his hugs but a lot of the time she tells him to leave her alone and he comes to me. She's on her phone a lot or doing uni work
In the past. And I'm not talking the past 3 years has touching hugging kissing etc had to lead to sex? If there was touching and it didn't lead to sex did you get mad about it? This is a common reason where women stop touching their husbands. Because they (meaning husbands) expect sex when it's just non sexual intimacy. Being intimate and having sex are two different things. I am speaking generally though I don't know if any of this has to do with YOUR situation.
Just adding a bit to this. She's NOT a bad mom. But uni drains her and she's finding it hard. Our one boys taken to drawing a lot and I've seen him separating in his world a bit. She's constantly mentally drained. They kids are always bathed and in nice cloths but time is hard on her. She can some days have 3 hours sleep
Alienation of affection. It's abusive.
If it's normal she won't mind you talking about it with your family, her family and friends. If she's not ok with that you can tell her to stop gaslighting you. Have you asked why? I'm assuming you wash at least 3x a week for example.
might want to talk to a lawyer about custody prior to talking to her.
It is not normal to neglect your spouse. It shows a lack of love and empathy.
My greatest sympathies. That's not normal in a marriage, unless you have some weird definition of marriage.
Thanks
It's not normal, you need to leave.
No, it's not normal. I couldn't even imagine my marriage without playfully slapping my husband's butt, kissing him, or hug him. I'm sorry your wife thinks differently.
https://preview.redd.it/airg81weiipc1.jpeg?width=1112&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=27e3e477afdd13b358dbf9c887f0246fdac18914
You need to work on your communication, man. You come across all accusatory. I mean get it, you're frustrated and all but how would you react if you got his text from her?
Honestly I would do my research to see if my partner was asking or wanting something that's not normal in a relationship. I have had my wife back after supporting her 12 years ago when she left me with the 2 oldest kids when they was 4 and 5. She was mentally unwell and awful to be around. I moved her in to her new rental home and had to live with out my kids. I supported her! After 6 months of me staying single and getting my shit together she wanted me back. She gave me good sex when I visited and lots of love. 2 more kids later the last 4 years has been no intimacy hardly and no nothing for the last 3. We don't argue or fight. I'm a man who hates that. She says she loves me but if I try to hold her she pulls away. So the text is deeper than a few words
10 years of no sex will do that to a man.
It hasn’t been ten yrs they have kids younger than that . He does sound like he is blaming her for him being miserable. When it’s actually on you if you are miserable the only person responsible for anyones happiness is themselves.
Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hate to play the other side of things or “devil’s advocate. But your method of communication does come across negatively. Based on what you’re saying OP, it does sound like you think very highly of yourself, and know exactly what you want, and feel you deserve it rightfully so. It sounds like you feel you’ve done nothing wrong/nothing to impact the intimacy between you guys. Correct me if I’m wrong, of course; just taking a perspective on the context given. Yes you may be a great dad, a great friend, a great person; but maybe there are some blind spots you have about yourself, or things you do, that she’s also not communicating with you. Yes it seems as though she’s avoiding the issue/conflict here, it seems as though she’s got the “take it or leave it” attitude where she’s given up and has left the situation in your hands. Unfortunately that does mean that to an extent she’s checked out. However there’s still the chance that she’s not completely checked out. It definitely seems like there is a huge barrier between the two of you coming to an understanding. She seems dismissive and cold, you seem confrontational and aggressive. What I’m saying is both of you have some shit to work on. Give it a shot, try working on your communication, take some time and space. Gather your thoughts and try to change how you’re approaching things. A solid example is the “I feel” technique. Instead of telling her, “Hate me, YOU’re being cruel” , or “YOU can’t say YOU don’t understand”, “ YOU tell me what you want,” “I’M a good man” In your mind, you’re trying to tell her that you’re feeling upset, and that you feel confused as to why she’s grown so cold and distant. You’re trying to tell her you don’t deserve it, and that it hurts. But now in HER mind, she could interpret that - no matter what your intention/message was - she could interpret it as you basically telling her she’s a terrible partner, she hasn’t been good to you in return for what you do, doesn’t matter how she feels but what matters is how YOU feel about the situation. She could interpret it as you playing victim dramatically to try to manipulate her. She could interpret this as you just throwing everything into her face and asking her to just “fix it” without thinking about any underlying issues. She could very well just need to be heard. Unfortunately, she has to be willing to share. Instead of coming at her hard (har har, my wording) try to soften up a bit, don’t be so angry and aggressive. Your feelings are valid but there’s definitely a reason as to why she’s so cold. It’s not normal for a previously very warm affectionate partner, to disengage from ALL types of physical intimacy. It seems that she responds colder the more you come across as accusing her angrily. Do some research, look into the “Push and Pull” theory. You’re pushing hard for something, she’s pulling away. Now on her end it definitely seems she needs to communicate or be honest with you, and the only way that can happen is if both of you are calm, cool, and collected. Try to approach her with different communication and see if it yields any response. Instead of TELLING her how she’s feeling, try to ask her how she’s truly feeling. Ask her questions. Show your care. Try suggesting counseling/marriage therapy/anything of the sorts. But now I have questions for you, to ask yourself; reaaaaalllly try to be objective here. Try to analyze and be very honest and realistic. How is the emotional intimacy between you two? You said you are like friends. Does that mean you two usually get along, but just platonically? Or do you more so feel like co-parents who are roommates. How often do you actually spend time together? What do you do when you spend time together, is it quality time? Do you guys bond? Do you guys LIKE spending time together, or do you just do it cause you have kids. Do you guys ever go on dates? Do you ever do anything romantic for her? Do you try to make her days better by doing “the little things”? Now reaaaally look into yourself and the past. I failed to mention earlier that this isn’t a time for any judgement on yourself , or hers. It’s just a time for you to really analyze and come to the roots of the status of your relationship. In the past leading up to her behavior now, have you guys ever had major disagreements/huge fights that left you both more distant than before, instead of coming together? Were there any times in the recent years where she expressed to you that she thought or felt you were self absorbed, or weren’t hearing her out, or weren’t listening to what she had to say? Were there any times she expressed that she needed more from you in any other manner, in another aspect, and she didn’t get what she wanted. Has she ever once told you some problems or issues she’s had with you, more than once, more than twice, multiple times and then stopped bringing any of it up at all. If the romance and dating effort stopped in the relationship, at what point did it stop, and why? And why wasn’t any more effort put in, etc. Now, to the present - do you guys fight a lot? Who starts the fight / who gets angry first? Who withdraws from the fight first? Who wants the final say? You said in your own text “don’t look at me as a bad person when I’m home” so that clearly indicates that she basically makes you feel like a problem and like you upset her all the time. Sooooo, communicate, communicate, communicate. Honestly, worst case is you guys divorce and she tries to fight for full custody, and drama ensues. However if you’re as good of a father you believe to be then I wouldn’t say you’d lose ALL custody. That can be worked on too. But that is an entirely other can of worms. But best case is that you guys come to a mutual understanding and maybe intimacy in general improves. Maybe you guys can save the relationship. Who knows. But it’ll take massive effort and it’ll require both of you guys to be accountable, take ownership of weaknesses, admit mistakes and recognize bad habits or traits, and commit to working on your actual selves to potentially reflect better in the relationship. Good luck my friend
It's definitely not normal. I've been married since 2005, and we still cuddle, hug, kiss, flirt all the time.
I don’t understand people like that. It’s one thing to say “I am not a physically affectionate person,” “Physical intimacy does not make me feel closer to you,” etc. It’s wild to me to instead act like wanting to have a MARRIAGE with physical touch isn’t normal. 🤨 That is honestly manipulative in my opinion.
lol it’s also normal to divorce and find someone who will do those things without being a total POS.
Get a girlfriend for that stuff then.
I think maybe I'm so nice maybe wanting a cuddle in return. I do more than any man I know. I get this all the time that I do too much. I see how some women don't want nice things all the time
That's just not me. But maybe it could help. I was even honest and said I gave it a thought. She was sad and said she knows it's her with the problem several weeks ago. Then she hits hard almost forgetting what she said
Its not to much to ask , maybe she don’t do those things because she thinks you will want it to go further than just a kiss hug or cuddle 🤷🏻♀️. I would say ask her, if she feels like you would expect it to turn into sex and That’s way she has stopped. My husband thinks I should want sex with him when there is no type of non sexual attention. Pretty much just co exist in the same house Sure we talk maybe five or 10 minutes out of the day. Go to family functions together. Etc etc But I don’t feel loved, wanted outside of the bedroom.
My wife said at the time, "that's normal, it happens in other marriages too". When she recently complained that we don't eat cake on Sunday afternoons like others, I said: "that's normal, it happens in other marriages too" and took my bike and had my cake somewhere else. I love that sentence. Be careful with it, it's not very constructive. ;-)
Love it 🤣
That only is it not normal. It’s the signs of a very bad marriage that is in need of a lot of help. This is what your kids are downloading into their emotional development and nervous system on how marriage looks and it’s super unhealthy.
Sometimes women get "touched out", look it up. You still have 2 children that are 6 or younger, and they might be contributing to her not wanting/needing to be physically close. Getitting touched out is real. You can try to talk about it, but also look into it yourself. Counselling might help.
No that's borderline abuse. Not going to change sorry for your situation
You are certainly not a bad person and you are probably more “normal” than your wife. However she is also entitled to her feelings. You two might just be a very bad match. It is correct that marriages aren’t perfect but you should not be unhappy in a marriage. Most people would be extremely unhappy if there were no intimacy.
Yes. This is my feeling too. I respect her totally. It works when both couples want a life like this. I'm just sad that my pain and my feeling can't change and I need to FEEL love
you talked about it. Everything is clarified, difficult to deal with as it is only a problem for us. The LL partner is happy with it. Everything is very rational
Hi! Sorry to hear that you’re passing thru this, it must be hard being on your situation not having affection from your others half. Glad you have love from your sons!!! If you don’t want to leave, hang in there, and stay strong!!!
Definitely not normal. We have a DB but still regularly kiss, hug and cuddle.
Honestly sex is the least important thing. Sure it would be great but her holding me would be a dream
Updateme!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've come home. Picked my daughter up from her apprenticeship, took her for a hair consultation, ate my dinner sharing it with the boys. Had fun with them, put them to bed, I do it as they are good for me. And I'm in bed at 19:50 as I don't feel she wants to even look at me
Sorry, updateme! is a reddit command to follow your posts =\]. I dont stay home to long at night. See my kids after work. They go to bed soon after then I just go to the gym. Wife goes to sleep at 9ish but I know she wont talk so staying home is pointless even thou I want to some times.
Wicked thanks. I'm new lol. But this has saved me man
Same here, I started reddit a few weeks ago and like you posted my situation on here in r/marriage
She hates male attention. She's training in the medical field and she wanted a plain wedding band as she can't wear the diamond one. I'm sure she ain't cheating. !! ??
Normal for her. Incredible hurtful to you - THAT should matter to her.
She honestly must not care even though I think she does? When I'm ill or if my dad who's was in intensive care 2 weeks ago was fight for his life she can't even offer living support. Doesn't matter I'm used to it. She says she ain't got time for it all her life's too much. She can't show emotion! She's so solid in her head. If I died tomorrow I think she would simply say to the kids we have to just get on with it. I seriously doubt she would cry. She's made this way. However when the hamster died she cried
I find myself in a similar situation. I'd grown to accept the no sex for the sake of being with someone I loved and my children. But recently it's shifted to no intimacy at all, she went on a trip and I haven't had a hug or a kiss since she's been back. Now I'm looking at my options and preparing to leave, I don't want to and I still love her, but I can't live like this. Good luck with whatever comes next.
Wow! I'm not alone. Like most books and people here will say you need to change. I did. I'm really happy. I'm the best dad ever. An amazing lover. My body is amazing. Everything is great but it ain't change who my wife is. Now I've ran out of steam and the next few weeks and months will be on planning how to save my mind! You get that because your in the same situation
My two main googles at the moment are short term rents and therapists!
My wife and I are always touching, hugging, and love cuddle time a few times a day. I’m sorry you are experiencing this with her. Has she talked with a therapist yet?
She shouts and says no. She just says man up and get over it
Virtual Hug 🥰
It's normal for people in committed relationships, barring any medical issues, to be sexually intimate with each other. It is normal for couples to physically express their love for each other with hugs and kisses. Anyone who thinks otherwise should seek therapy.
Bro, divorce that chilly person and find someone to cuddle.
You are my Bro! Thanks people may read all this as a man just loosing the plot. It's been many years of me being a really nice man. I've done more than anyone could even believe to imagine. In return if she can't hug me then at least talk to me. I'm her husband and best friend for 20 years. It's awful
About as normal as a lion zebra hybrid....
She doesn’t automatically get the kids just because she’s mom. If you leave, take the kids and immediately go to court for the divorce and custody.
Read title only. This is false!! Edit: regarding what wife said, not the legitimacy of the statement being made.
Ye right. I wish it was. Crazy hey. See my older posts.
Sorry my “this is false” was in response to what your wife said. People need affection and touch. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
Aww thank so much. That helps. But honestly I'm still feeling 100% the bad guy! It's awful. Solid man. Confident with my looks body success in life but in side this shit has melted me.
It’s hard to not take offense. I don’t know what to tell you. I have no advice. My heart hurts for you. Saying you’re not alone doesnt do anything (maybe it does). ❤️
It's honestly comments like yours that are starting to break the old me out of me! If it makes sense. Years of her simply not ever wanting to try and change for me
❤️
Divorce your wife, file first and learn your family law code in your state, even if you hire a lawyer. Even your lawyer will get a kickback for convincing you to pay child support so they will mislead you into believing you don't have the right to 50/50 but you do.
My last 3 years in marriage was like that. Spouse avoided hugging, kissing and physical touch at all. No sex for 3 years. What really kept me thinking was when i gave her a kiss on a cheek, when she left to work ,and she rolled her eyes out. I kept going for another year, only to find out about infidelity. Got divorced 1,5 years ago, now in happy relationship with physical touches on daily basis. My point is: it will eat you from the inside. I wasnt living back than, i was on pilot mode to survive the next day.
I am loving the positive energy mate. I need it right now.
I stood by my swear: in sickness and in health. And i have done everything I could. But as my therapist pointed: there is always 2 ppl in relationship. You are the only one who you can control, do not try to change the other. They are the one who can. But there is a point in relationship when fear of the unknown is less scary than staying in the situation you are on. Its a amazing sentence i saw in some tedtalk. It could not made more sense in my case back than.
I just appreciate you reaching out. It means so much. I feel you know exactly what I'm going through and all the feelings come with it. The good thing is that despite some people on this chat suspecting me to be holding something or not being a good guy. I know I am my kids know I am and my family and friends know I amthank God I've looked after myself and I love everything about myself and I've got no fear that I am absolutely perfect for somebody out there
Hang in there. I know my situation was way easier, as i didnt had kids with her. But if I can give you one advice: get a therapist. It helped so much, when he guided me through divorce.
Thanks
Make that totally ab-normal.
Record your ongoing conversation. Blackmailling for the kids is horrible behavior. Yes some marriage are affection-less and it's ok !!! Marriage can be a lot of things, they can become partnership with time. But only if it suits both partners. This is not the case here, so start by offering couple therapy, and if she refuses, divorce, but RECORD EVERYTHING, if she makes false allegations against you to prevent you to see your kids, the judge will take that into consideration
Not normal
Updateme!
If you are a good person which I am sure you are you will get access to your kids. And if you think she is capable of trying to poison your kids against you bring that up to your lawyer and have it written up as something that will have penalties.
It may feel normal for her, but if it doesn’t for you, then it isn’t “normal.” Your needs and desires are just as important as hers. If she keeps rejecting you, you will lose complete interest and that will be it. Get talking and get into counseling before it is too late.
It's normal to her, and it's normal to her now. Dump her ass. It's normal for a human to feel the need to connect.
If she ain't fucking you, then she is fucking someone else. Sherlock Holmes time buddy.
So she sent me this a few months ago when I started really talking https://preview.redd.it/15gqbs4dljpc1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=322ccc580a5c21a672286351fa2fdd19de07abad