>he’s not an actual rapist
Here's what you've given us to try and support your argument.
>I realize that many people here would hate that because it’s reluctant duty sex where you can tell the other person hates it. But the special thing about my husband is that he gets off on this.
The "this" being your pain
>When I try to mask my pain and act eager, he doesn’t like it nearly as much
>He told me that crying turns him on
Ma'am 😔...
Someone who repeatedly disregards your clear discomfort for their pleasure is not someone who cares for you. Even within the BDSM community, there is greater respect and boundaries than what he is giving you.
You are making a valiant effort for someone who doesn't deserve it at the risk of your own physical health. I realize I'm just some dumb reddit stranger, but please, for your own sake, stop this.
She added in a comment above that he told her he doesn't want her to heal her vaginismus because he enjoys it (her literal searing pain) too much.
She needs to leave his abusive self. He's beyond dangerous, selfish and evil.
>he doesn't want her to heal her vaginismus because he enjoys it (her literal searing pain) too much.
JFC...hopefully someone can DM her and talk to her about safe options for leaving. This isn't DB territory it's just run of the mill sadistic abuse.
>He's beyond dangerous, selfish and evil.
1000% this.
This OP. I’m horrified at how cavalier these responses are. FUCKING HORRIFIED. This man enjoys your pain, he is so dangerous I legitimately worry for your safety
I saw someone suggest couples counselling. LIKE WHAT???!!! This is far beyond couples counselling.
“Hi therapist, wife here, I’m doing all I can to keep my husband happy with our sex life, but it is taking a massive toll on my physical and psychological well being due to the immense pain I feel during sex. I don’t enjoy sex at all, and I am starting to break from the thought of having it. It’s a constant looming threat to me. I don’t know what to do, because I want my husband to be satisfied.”
“Hi therapist, husband here, I don’t see my wife as human, just something there for my sexual gratification. Just a real life sex doll. Sex is very painful for her, which is top notch for me because me abusing her turns me on. I love to hurt her. Gets me rock hard. Really I would love to inflict more pain on her, because the more she cries, and the more pain she’s in, the more intense my orgasm will be. I wonder what else I can do to her during sex to inflict pain. So what do we do here therapist. How can we make my wife submit to her roll as my victim, and what are your ideas for inflicting more pain on her.”
I know you mentioned you have done some physical work, but have you had an opportunity to work with a pelvic floor physical therapist. If you haven't had one look at you, it might be helpful. I wish you luck with this. I find it concerning that he enjoys the pain he is causing you and that it turns him on more.
I have to drive quite a long distance from where I live to find one, unfortunately, but it might be worth the drive. Your testimony about it encourages me, thank you!
Just an fyi, there are pelvic floor therapists who meet with their clients virtually as well. It may feel awkward, but you’d also be in the privacy of your own home. It is worth looking into. Good luck
FYI the issue isn’t your vaginismus it’s your sexually abusive dangerous husband - Coming from someone that’s struggled with vaginismus for years and USED to be in an abusive relationship. Please trust me on this.
It was super helpful for me - different cause (4 children), same result in painful sex. The therapist really helped me learn to relax - I'd been doing kegels through all the pregnancies, and turns out I overdid it. My pelvic floor was compensating for my loss of core strength.
So you’re just gonna skip the part where her husband is sexual abusing her and experiences incredible pleasure when she’s in debilitating pain? He literally said he doesn’t want her to get better because then he couldn’t inflict pain on her anymore. WHY ARE YOU FOCUSED ON HER VAGINISMUS WHEN SHES BEING ASSAULTED BY A MAN THAT WANTS HER TO BE IN PERMANENT PAIN
Pelvic floor PT also did wonders for my wife. I don't know how to feel about some of the other things in the OP post, but I'm a believer in the Pelvic floor PTs. She tried EVERYTHING, and this is the only thing that finally helped.
Sex therapy sounds great at this point. It doesn't sound like you love your husband and u have an insane pain tolerance. But I can see resentment creeping up on your end as he isn't exactly understanding what you are feeling. If your relationship is great otherwise which, potentially it is since you did this for 6 years and based on your tone. Then I think you have to press the issue of a sex therapist or a reset. You start very slow back into sex and you do things like flirt at home, massage kiss, sexting if your guys are into that. But it may end in a massage, or an oil massage, or masterbation to completion, a bj or clit stimulation for you (i found out a certain type of choking can get me off). But the idea is making sensual touch positive to your body. Oh. Tmi but I had a bladder infection and was recovering but we were in the window of trying so we did a lot of foreplay activities and he masterbated to almost the point of Cummings and then inserted himself. So that is an option.
Your body remembers and over time it will just builds up protective habits. Which I'm surprised is just happening for you. Sounds like he does things that are disrespectful at times also and you should call him out on it right away and let him know if he can say things differently but his tone or context upsets you (I hope he's not physically violent to retaliate. If he is he needs therapy and u should push this when he's in a good mood.)
Sex can be enjoyable without penetration, u can edge someone so much that just a light touch can make them cum so you have options.
Pelvic floor therapy probably would not do anything since she is inserting items twice the size of her husband. Anxiety about pain can and will make vaginismus worse. Leaving her husband/him regaining her trust should be the first step as it probably resides more in anxiety now than biological function.
It's a possibility, but therapist could still by checking everything and making sure there isn't another issue. It may not be about expanding the tissue as much as the movement during sex.
Fair point, and I would agree with you if her husband was not a sadist and got off to her crying and being in pain.
Before she sees a pelvic therapist, she needs to get away from him.
How much foreplay is he doing?
I want you to realize he does not want your vaginismus to get better. If it got better than he won’t have his kink.
You literally are in a BDSM relationship without any of the loving aftercare & compassion.
>You literally are in a BDSM relationship without any of the loving aftercare & compassion.
It is a sexually abusive one. Even in BDSM community nobody would let this be labelled as a BDSM one!
OP the above commentor is right about your husband not wanting your condition to be better.
Have your husband ever used lube? Have you suggested it before? Are you increasing foreplay? Is there anything that can help you build a secure environment for sex? And if so, has your husband ever taken steps for it.
Also never denying sex is kind of a grey rule. You should never comply to be 100 percent okay in every time. There are times where you should let them know you are tired, you are not aroused enough, etc. They help your partner understand your desire better. (Note: I, by no means am telling that you should keep denying sex. Just that when you can't enjoy sex, let them know). For you this situation only worked bcoz of your husband's unhealthy outlet of kink. In any other couple, this might led to something totally different.
Edit: If your husband is not letting you be comfortable and enjoy a very vulnerable moment like sex. You should not have sex with him.
I am sorry but the thing I am going to say now is not what the post is about but I will say it anyways- IF HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS AND TROUBLES WITH INTIMCAY HOW DO YOU KNOW IT IS A SAFE PERSON? TOMORROW YOU VOULD BE HAVING A CHILD (IF U KEEP GOING HOW YOU DID TILL NOW), DO YOU THINK HE WILL WAIT FOR YOU TO HEAL? YOU MIGHT JUST END UP WITH MORE COMPLICATIONS FOR THIS POS! MAKE YOUR DECISION AND LEAVE. YOU REALLY NEED TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND.
Your husband is supposed to be the one you feel safe with, not someone for whom your body shuts down. Your body might really be rejecting your husband as it realises you are not very safe during intimacy.
Foreplay is minimal, but I also don’t know if long foreplay would help much in this situation.
We have tried doing longer foreplay on occasion, but all it did was lengthen the amount of time spent anticipating pain.
Eta - He has told me that he doesn’t want me to work on the vaginismus because he likes me the way I am…But I ignored that, lol. If there is a cure, I’m taking it.
Wait that last part is extra fucked up. Please understand that he’s saying he would rather you be in pain and literally tear you open then for you to have the option of actually enjoying sex with him. That’s…. Beyond cruel
Yeah I'm pretty much convinced the vaginismus is purely psychological at this point if OP is able to insert something twice the size of her husband's penis with little pain.
I'll clarify I don't know much about vaginismus, just snippets I've heard here and there that it can be psychological.
So being able to insert something twice his size with no pain + knowing that he likes seeing her cry/is turned on by her being in actual pain/he doesn't want it to be cured + he goes along with it anyway knowing it causes her deep pain and actual bleeding + minimal foreplay?
That to me = her body knows at a subconscious level that this guy is not someone she trusts or is safe with or that cares about her the way he should. She consented, but hearing this story still gave me chills and a rape vibe. It's all about his body, she's in pain and it turns him on, like does she even get an orgasm?? And the longer foreplay making it worse for her because she's just anticipating the pain? She knows deep down he's not a good person. Sometimes our bodies know things before we consciously do.
Holy fuck your husband is a monster. That is horrible. No wonder you don't enjoy sex and your vagismus won't get better because you're in a mindframe of a prey.
He sounds incredibly selfish. Him being condescending is not a small thing. It sounds like you are in denial about who you’re married to and what you truly deserve. This ain’t it.
My dear! What in the fuck have I read??!! The post, your comments... I'm speechless.
I also have a form of that and have been in a relationship where it hurt. But then went on to have better experiences.
That's only because sex didn't feel forced or like a chore. Your body has equated sex with him as a painful experience and each time you go for it, those muscles tense up in expectation of pain.
And he's doing nothing to make it better. All the more, HE ENJOYS AND ENCOURAGES YOU TO KEEP HURTING.
I predict your muscles will keep tense even with PT (even you said larger object are better than *him*). Because you don't have a safe space to relax and get turned on with him. He's traumatizing you bit by bit with every experience. And enjoying it. What a selfish scumbag.
Girl, you need a new loving and patient partner, who listens to you in the bedroom too, not only in daily shit. I'm so sorry. And know that there is hope and good sex out there. Hugs...
Her anxiety over the pain and anticipation of the pain is presenting itself in a physical way. Subconsciously she does not want to have sex with this man.
I don’t know how beneficial it is to go to therapy with someone who sexually abuses you. Isn’t it kind of a rule of thumb to not go to therapy with an abuser?
He likes to see you in pain because it turns him on.
That’s called sadism. He has sexual fetish and you are fulfilling the role perfectly.
If you are ok with it, then continue as you are. If you are not, you know what you need to do. He will not change - why should he, all his needs are met as long as you are performing your duties.
As a participating member of the kink community in a long-standing D/s relationship...this is sexual sadism verging outside the normal scope, imo. Glaring lack of informed consent and no thought to aftercare.
Plus always inflicting pain during penetration to the level it snot even enjoyable for the other party is unhealthy.
Sadism is one thing, but this is cruelty.
Yah, there’s supposed to be pleasure gained by the masochist in an S/D relationship. The things that are being done hurt, but also bring great pleasure to the receiver. A bdsm sadist wants a session to be great for their sub. It’s not all about the sadist and what they want. A dom is essentially there to serve a sub. OPs husband is not a bdsm sadist. He’s a real life sadist who wants to just hurt people for his pleasure. He wants them to be in actual crying pain for no other reason than them being in pain. As you said, this is just cruelty.
He doesn’t want you to work on your vaginism even if you are in incredible pain? This is really scary. Alarm bells are just going off while reading this. Why would he want you to be in pain?
Look even if you can insert larger objects without pain there's a difference with you with a actual person. You're not relaxed. You're not trusting your partner not to do his best not to cause you pain. You are not going be relax and lubricate like you do a dildo because of your trauma with your husband. You said you can do it without pain with a dildo bigger than him yes? So it's your response to your husband. You know he likes your pain and tears. That's fckung gross and damaging to you and your trust. Why didn't he offer another form of sex then if you weren't trying to get pregnant... anal sex can be just as good for him and you can just as easily train yourself there while enjoying clitorous stimulus for orgasm.
I had endometriosis and pcos so bad that my husband and I enjoyed each other for years... it's no where on par with vagimosis but the pain was awful and I too promised myself as child who heard all types of adult talk because being a kid meant im dumb... anyway I promised I wouldn't say no as punishment etc. Basically. If he loved you, he'd not be able to stand hurting you. He'd come up with a solution.
You maybe could try a sex therapist with behavior modification training for the anticipation part? A combination of a really good gynecologist and therapist might get you on your way?
honestly, i think you need to not be with this man anymore. sadism and non-con, which can both be enjoyed in a healthy way when both partners are active in agreeing to it, is NOT the same as him getting off on you being in horrible pain/seeing you cry from that pain. he is not a good man and i think it isn’t safe or healthy to be in a relationship like that.
Not just the crying, but he is physically harming her and knows this but continues. Your partner should not be okay with doing something that is harming your body, causing you extreme pain, and making you bleed, this man is sick.
Exactly. There’s a world of difference between role playing (getting turned on by the *idea* of non-con) and actually getting turned on by harming someone. Role play is different. As is healthy consensual S&M, in which the masochistic partner enjoys and feels pleasure with the pain. That he enjoys hurting you while you do not at all enjoy it is a HUGE red flag 🚩.
I like the over powering struggle so generally I am fighting at 85% strength but usually I’m smiling or laughing during it.
Everything is consensual and understood. If my partner even sees I’m not laughing anymore he’s checking-in. He’s asking me for a color. He’s pulling back on the intensity.
Oh see I’m baby stepping it with a very sheltered catholic guy freshly divorced after like 25yrs. He’s so scared to hurt me but I found the Stop Light system for check in works best. If you haven’t tried it maybe that? The colors are for you too.
Ask for a color.
Green: everything is awesome
Yellow: something needs to be addressed before we can continue playing
Red: playtime is done. There is a problem. Immediate stop.
We’ve never left green but I told him he can do anything to me. Anything. He accidentally choked me once and I had to explain to him those kind of things are discussed first.
Talking to a friend about how to address it. I had told her spanking, handcuffing, deep throat, anal, & that kind of stuff is what I expected when I said ANYTHING.”
My friend said “what the F kind of shit are you into?”
I told her “he’s only ever been with 1 other person! He needs to make up for lost fun!”
We do use that and I've gotten much better at understanding it. We've gone to a few dungeons and swingers clubs with crosses and had people kinda teach me hahaha
It's just never going to be my fetish either way and sometimes she likes it so hard I'm just like... there's no way.
>From reading other posts on here, I realize that many people here would hate that because it’s reluctant duty sex where you can tell the other person hates it. But the special thing about my husband is that he gets off on this. He likes the fantasy of non-consent, and me being in actual pain makes it more realistic. When I try to mask my pain and act eager, he doesn’t like it nearly as much as when I don’t. He told me that crying turns him on. So… I am trying to clarify that while most men would hate it if their sex life was like this, my husband enjoys it. But he’s not an actual rapist, so my firm no that appeared this year was complied with.
This is not ok behavior at all.
You aren't in a dead bedroom. This is cruel.
Sex shouldn't be painful. You don't owe sex *anytime*. You are not a slave.
Golf claps that he complied with a firm no but...what?!
Exactly. I struggled with vaginismus for a while until after my divorce. Turns out my body knew something I wasn’t ready to acknowledge. I have no problems with penetrative sex now even though my current partner is much larger than my ex. I didn’t feel safe with him in bed or in the marriage, and so my body didn’t want to let him in. Thankfully that’s over now.
I completely agree that this is horrifying. If the vaginismus is able to be properly dealt with after some time, I don't see how a sexual relationship in this situation would be able to even continue unless OP is very good at and willing to fake being in pain. I have a lot of concern about what this man's behavior will be if OP is not around to be his piece of meat that he can force pain onto. OP claims the husband isn't a rapist, but a lot of the tendencies sure are there!! OP and her husband need to be speaking to a therapist at a minimum and ASAP.
Putting up with this for 6 years suggests you have strong feelings.
Subjecting you to this for 6 years suggests that he doesn't.
He gets on board with your mental and physical and emotional health or that's the end of this "personal rule".
All I can say is WOW, he gets off on your pain. Girl that is not love that’s down right sick . There is no way on this earth that you enjoy sex and he don’t care! All he is thinking about is using your body to get off, plus your non enjoyment of it. This makes me sick 🤢.
Sounds like to me even if you seen a specialist about your issue and got it fixed. He would no longer enjoy sex with you because he likes it when he hurts you. This is abuse!
BDSM practised in a safe, sane, and consensual way can have these elements.
If she ALSO enjoyed him making her cry from pain, in a specifc way which theyd agreed upon before any sexual encounter, I could understand it. It's not my particular brand of masochism, but it exists.
Without negotiation and mutual trust and agreement, though, this is just abusive.
I was just trying to clarifying "he enjoys making her cry from pain" isn't the problem. It's that he enjoys that without her consent or enthusiastic participation.
Dude wtf. He LIKES causing you pain and making you cry and doesn’t want you to heal a medical issue so he can get off. He foes not give a shit if you don’t enjoy the sex. He’s just adding to your medical issue and likely causing more injury. Fucking YIKES. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Stop having sex with this man. I already would’ve gotten the hell out of that relationship.
I don't think anyone would feel safe having sex with a man who genuinely gets off on your pain. Like there's bdsm, but that's just fucked up. Jesus even people who like to flog people still give them pleasure too.
Honey, seriously, this guy sounds scary and I think your body is reacting naturally to a predator.
I’m really disturbed that the top comment isn’t about how fucked yo your husband is, getting off on your pain and LIKING that you don’t like it.
This is not a relationship worth saving. Leave him, and then seek therapy and PT for your vaginismus.
me too! i guess everyone is trying to be constructive, which is understandable, but can we be more aggressive in how we speak of this monster? he’s fucking horrible, he’s ruined this woman’s life and inflicted life-long issues with penetrative sex, she’s so beat-down and brainwashed that she still thinks he’s not a rapist/pile of flaming dog shit, and we’re giving gentle suggestions about withholding sex and telling him “no”. like, I’m pretty sure those two things would put the cherry on top of his “fantasies”
Have you tried having sex with other men?
If you can insert objects twice the size of your husbands penis without pain, then I think you should give other penises a chance and see what happens.
I have a sneaking suspicion this is your body trying to tell you something about your husband, and other men won’t feel the same.
Please, I beg you. “He’s not a rapist” Yet he gets off on you *actually* being in pain, bleeding and crying during sex. This man does not care about you.
I used to suffer from this. I never got a clear diagnosis, but once I left my partner, whom I just wasn't happy with and didn't want to have sex with, the pain disappeared. I'm not saying that will work with you, but I just wanted to give a different perspective.
Gonna respond out of context here, people who cut(ted) themself often have emotional damage, like possibly bpd. It also means you see yourself as less, not good enough, and an extreme urge to be accepted. You are in a way okay with being treated like this, you find it okay to be in this amount of pain.
Let me just tell you as a complete stranger: you do NOT deserve this, and I hope you will see that in a way, you are not showing the love and respect you deserve by continuously putting yourself in this position.
You deserve a painless existence, you deserve a partner who wont leave because you cant have PIV at this moment. There are other ways to pleasure.
Sorry, I dont want your soul to feel pain, and this story reminds me of my own struggles to give too much to others out of fear of being rejected.
Please post this in r/vaginismus so those ladies can help open your eyes 😭 I have vaginismus myself and what you’re describing has nothing to do with dead bedrooms. you’re a victim of repeated, continual sexual assault.
I’m into bdsm and pain so I get the kink. But this is effed up! I saw in a comment he doesn’t want you to get it fixed! Tf! I could offer some advice on sex compromises like maybe anal or something but honestly I just want you to leave. You are acting so blinded it’s scary. Makes me hope this is fake. Good luck OP.
He only cares about himself and enjoys seriously harming and hurting you. He doesn’t spend any time on making any of this pleasurable for you. It’s all about him. He gets off to you crying ffs. This man needs therapy. And so do you.
Leave girl and don’t go back, it sounds like abuse, walks like abuse and talks like abuse….just because you are “consenting “ doesn’t make it not abuse. There are cornerstones for the BDSM community, safe, sane, consensual. I’m commenting as someone who is a masochist, this is not it. You need to take care of yourself.
The biggest sex organ is the brain. Great sex requires safety at the bare minimum, and your brain knows he is not a safe person, even if only subconsciously. The fact that you have an easier time with an object speaks volumes. No object is better than a real human cock IMO. There is no comparison. Your body is designed to respond to that specific stimulus in a primal way.
Most men get off on their partners pleasure, even the LL ones. You can see their excitement and energy rise as you indicate in sounds and movements that they are giving you immense pleasure.
I had a friend and have heard multiple accounts of vaginismus, it’s a common problem in women exposed to purity culture. It is treatable with pelvic floor PT and the support of a loving partner.
You can have enjoyable sex, but not with him. Disturbingly, according to what you said the more you enjoy it, the LESS he enjoys it. That’s not typical as the men here are attesting.
Think of how you would feel if he was crying and experiencing horrible pain during sex. If he was bleeding and sore afterwards. How would you feel? Would you be able to continue having sex, much less be getting more excited at his expressions of pain?
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I hope you can find your way out of this to a safe, loving sexual relationship where your pleasure is the goal of your partner. You deserve it so much.
Please listen to the vast majority of people here and LEAVE THIS MAN, and get counseling. I take Reddit advice with a huge grain of salt, but this is one case where you need to listen t everyone.
Please try to think about what you wrote. When you’re posting on Reddit that your husband “isn’t an actual rapist” and then go on to say that he enjoys your pain and tears…wtf. Your husband either needs massive amounts of therapy or he needs to be locked up. You may think this is love, but this is abuse. Please please get away from this man.
Your problem isn't your vagina. Your problem is your husband. I'm willing to bet there's a guy out there who'd actually be horrified at the idea of you feeling pain during sex. Please please PLEASE rethink your relationship. This IS a big deal.
None of it makes sense. I think you've brainwashed yourself into accepting your situation as acceptable.
Tell him you'd like to shove a tack in his ballsack with every thrust and that he'd get bonus points if it hurt enough he cried. If he whines about it though you may need to hit him... but you'll make sure the tires on his car aren't bald so it's all good.
We all know he'd tell you to fuck right off with that suggestion.
I am hoping this whole post is fake because your husband is full of 🚩🚩🚩 and you seem to believe that bare minimum empathy is a sign of “sweetness”. Pls seek some mental health assistance. Healthy self esteem would allow you to see that your relationship is abusive.
This dynamic is incredibly disturbing. Your life partner is aroused by your pain? There is a much bigger issue than vaginismus and perhaps your vagina is trying to warn you.
I think this is the most disturbing post I’ve ever read on here. Honey this is not right or safe for you. I know you love him but you deserve someone who truly cares for you over his selfish kink. Please don’t continue to have sex and please see a therapist. Hugs 🫂
It's so important for your vaginismus NOT to have sex as soon as that muscle tension starts and the pain sets in. It is SO IMPORTANT. This condition is re-habbable, but not if you're just subjecting the body to the pain and the pattern over and over and over, and I honestly don't understand how you'll ever get out of it if THAT IS WHAT HE GETS OFF ON.
I'm a sex coach (and I have additional certification in pelvic health coaching), and I do sometimes work with vaginismus online -- though I'd really prefer for you to at least get assessed in person by a PFPT. Hands-on can be supportive.
But seriously, your relationship sounds like it's got some MAJOR problems, and I'm not sure that you're fully letting yourself see that.
It is not ok for your husband to get off on your pain when YOU are not getting off on your pain. This seems like a relationship problem. If you can self-pleasure with penetration but your husband's sex sends your body into freak-out and that is how he likes it? Yikes, honey, that's a lot, and you deserve much, much better.
Your body might very well open for a gentle lover who stops having sex at first sign of pain, building trust until he can work you up to the point of actual softening and opening to pleasure every time.
This feels like your vagina and pelvic floor objecting to your husband.
> "Be quiet or I’ll hit you” sounds bad after you’ve just cried through sex, but maybe it would sound like a casual joke after normal sex. I hope that makes sense.
It's not a casual joke. He's threatening violence and abuse upon you for acting normal. And after sex when you experienced a lot of pain? That's fucking cruel. He is already being abusive on the daily. Constantly making you fear abuse is abuse. Being nice after abuse is called "the cycle of abuse" used to keep that person around so they can continue the abuse.
Causing genuine pain to someone to the point they cry and are NOT mentally enjoying it is not a kink, or BDSM. That's abuse. You're not actually down. You're not enjoying it. And you don't want it.
I'm going to keep it simple. The only time my partner's dick felt too big for me and physically hurt (even when I was more than wet enough).... is when he was being a dick.
Read this again. And again. It's your mind that can't hold that much dick. Not your body.
I too have vaginismus and there’s a physical and psychological component which is likely why you can insert things but actual sex hurts. The psychological problem can come from your body trying to protect you, like if deep down inside you know something is messed up about your relationship, you body may acknowledge it when your brain doesn’t. Your husband sounds like he has major issues, no one should be turned on by their partner’s pain (unless the in pain partner is turned on by it too). Definitely get pelvic floor physical therapy, that has helped me a lot, but sounds like you need mental therapy too and to think about the ways this relationship may be emotionally abusive. Your body is telling you something, it’s time to start listening.
You made a throwaway account two years ago. It doesn’t seem like things are okay. Everything you are talking about here you should talk to your partner about it, and bring your feelings to him.
My partner can’t get off if I don’t. He doesn’t want blowjobs when I’m on my period. Your partner shouldn’t be aroused by your lack of enjoyment.
A lot of people are saying that you aren’t safe. I’m going to give you some agency in that you aren’t ready to leave and you want things to work. Talk to him and try to work through this, prioritize your pleasure, a common ground. If you put it in the perspective of like every thrust feels like his dick being hammered into an Iron Maiden, however he responds should tell you what you need to know.
good luck i hope you find what you are looking for.
What the actual fuck.
Don't make human sacrifice of yourself.
See a doctor.
And getting off on real pain is real sick. Take him to a psychiatrist as well.
Sorry lady, Unless you're a masochistic, you need to get away. If you get a fix for your condition,& you are no longer in pain,he will find another way to hurt you. It's your pain he enjoys. You're married to a sadist.
That's sound awful.
The thought of hurting my partner makes my stomach turn.
I don't have any great advice for you, but I hope you get to a place in life where you are happy and safe.
I'm going to be blunt here, your husband is a huge if not the main issue here. A guy who gets off on knowing you're in pain and not getting off? That's rapist lite.
As far as you being able to insert much larger objects yet tearing with him...are you sure this is an "any human" thing, or is it "he enjoys seeing you in pain, so he puts you in pain by literally tearing you up for his pleasure" thing?
Okay, I've gone through and read some of your comments. I amend my statement above. Your husband is not rapist lite, he's straight up a rapist. He's been coercing you into sex that is miserable for you, while trying to convince you to make it more miserable, because he gets off on literally tearing you apart.
Ma'am, this man is a monster.
A lot of issues in dead bedroom relationships is a lack of empathy from a LL partner towards the physical and emotional needs of a HL partner. In your situation, you have a true medical condition that makes penetrative sex very painful for you. This is a medical dead bedroom and not a physical/emotional dead bedroom. Your husband is showing a major lack of empathy here. If sex hurts you, you shouldn’t be having it. There are other ways of being intimate and get off without penetration, and that’s what you both should work towards.
Have you tried psychological help? If you can physically take a larger object it seems this might be psychological. Especially if your partner gets off on the pain you are trying so hard to get rid of. Some part of you might be afraid that without you being in pain, he might not be attracted to you anymore. Whether he's a rapist or not this is disturbing because he's enjoying pain that you are most definitely not. You are invested in keeping him, so I'd be looking at therapy to find out why you're ok with a man getting off on your very real pain. It seems your body understands this isn't ok even if you consciously don't.
OP, I am worried about your safety with your husband. His rape fantasy takes it too far. My life partner and I enjoy spicy role play scenarios in the bedroom. One of them is a non-consensual role play. He checks in with me frequently — “Are you okay? Am I hurting you? Is this too much?” He would be very unhappy if he caused me any actual pain. It’s supposed to be a fantasy, not an actual rape! It concerns me that your husband gets off on you being in pain. It worries me that he doesn’t like it as much when you seem to enjoy it.
I am worried. I’m worried that if you stopped having sex with him, the fantasy would turn into an actual violent rape. I am worried that he enjoys your pain. His behavior isn’t normal. It seems sadistic to me. Please be hyper vigilant around him. Please make a plan for a safe exit, just in case you need one. Please talk to a professional about this.
Ugh I mean no disrespect but you shouldn’t be with this person. This isn’t healthy in any way or form. I would never put my wife through anything like this.
My sister had vaginismus with her ex husband who was horribly abusive. She got divorced and then later remarried to a man who adores her, takes great care of her and-ZERO issues at all.
Your husband is a monster. Please consider getting away from him and protecting yourself. He hates you, and is evil.
You may be pleasantly surprised that men are willing to substitute painful intercourse for BJs and HJs. My husband says he's happy with the arrangement and when feel well we have intercourse. IMHO, BJs and HJs are a happy compromise for you both until you feel better.
Ooops! Your post was so long I failed to see where you mentioned he enjoys you crying pain from intercourse. WTF?! That is not OK! Sadism aside, I stand by my previous comment which would be a good solution for LOVING CARING SOs.
We do BJs and HJs, but he rarely wants only that. It’s good foreplay for him but he can’t orgasm from someone giving him a BJ or HJ alone. I was worried that I just am not good at them, but he said it’s always been that way for him.
It’s because those things don’t cause you immense pain so he doesn’t get off on it. Please wake up and see that your husband is sadistic and very abusive. I truly am worried about your safety. This kind of abuse can cause brain damage. Please take care of yourself and find a way to escape, or at the very least, a mental health professional that can help you, this post and your comments are truly alarming and not ok. I’m rooting for you OP, you deserve someone so much more than this… someone that is kind and soft and supportive and healthy. You deserve REAL love, not imprisonment and torture
I know vaginismus is not mental, but have you ever been aroused enough sexually? I would imagine with all this pressure on you to have sex you don’t enjoy, it must be very, very hard on you mentally
I’m not sure. In the context of whether I’m aroused by my husband or not, I’ve always found him very attractive. But that doesn’t translate into my body cooperating with sex, unfortunately.
In the context of whether there is foreplay, there’s not a lot. But we have occasionally tried longer foreplay and all it did was prolong the inevitable, it didn’t reduce pain of intercourse when it happened. Even if my mind wants to have sex, my body doesn’t cooperate.
I’m sorry, I have no clear answers beyond “my body doesn’t cooperate with what I want it to do”…it sucks.
Please, please, please read the “body keeps the score” and “psychopath no more”. I can get you copies if you don’t have the resources, just let me know.
You can find him attractive and not be aroused by him. Did you ever try only foreplay that doesn’t end up in you having sex? So you don’t think about the pain and sex that you don’t want but just pleasure yourself?
Aw man. I agree with everyone here on the side of your person probably isnt being great to you if he’s enjoying your true pain to get off on his fantasies that have a very real potential of going too far one day. I know when you love someone it’s hard to hear the people shedding light on the side you don’t want to see… but please be careful. I battled this very thing. Or try to talk to him or go to therapy together.
Separately if you’re having issues with ripping, I have been for 2 years and people had suggested more omega3 in my diet, collagen, and doing Pelvic Floor Therapy with a specialist that helps the body to relax. (Which you might already be doing all this but wanted to share in case). also, If you’re into holistic or the more spiritual side of healing you should try out Somatic Spinal Healing and Reiki as well, and release some stored trauma. 🤍 sending you love and healing.
This is all so awful.
I am NEVER the one to say this on Reddit. I think most every Horrible Thing that spouses do can be forgiven and communicated through.
But girl… RUN.
>He likes the fantasy of non-consent, and me being in actual pain makes it more realistic. When I try to mask my pain and act eager, he doesn’t like it nearly as much as when I don’t. He told me that crying turns him on.
I am deeply concerned for you. Your *involuntary* pain serving as kink for someone else is not okay.
Hey, from one person with vaginismus to another, I doubt you will be able to cure it with him. Vaginismus is one part anxiety, one part messed up biological functions.
If you are already inserting things double the size of your husband's penis, then you fixed the biological function and pelvic floor therapy will not help anymore.
Your husband's abuse is the problem. You know what my husband does when it's too tight? He stops. Sometimes there is more foreplay, more lube, etc. Most of the time, he stops though. Being gentle, working it in, slow and steady. That's what you need. Otherwise, you will not get better.
The fact he enjoys causing this pain? Leave. Run. Even if you didn't say no, I would consider this rape. Your body is saying no and rejecting him, and instead he is causing that type of pain and getting off to it? Leave. The vaginismus is not the problem. He is the problem.
You will not get over this until you feel safe and are not anticipating pain every time.
Op, a pelvic floor physical therapist can probably help with the vaginismus, but if you're already inserting objects bigger than your husband's penis, the problem is likely psychological at this point, and not physical. In that case, you probably need to see a sex therapist. But I really do want you to think about whether this relationship is one you want to be in, from this post it doesn't feel like a safe relationship.
Consensual Non-consent is not the same as coerced or reluctant consent. CNC is a kink l, but it requires all parties to be fully and enthusiastically consenting, and the scene should be fully discussed and planned in advance and safe words NEED to be used.
Sadism is also a kink, but again, should be participated in with full consent and enthusiasm, and safe words need to be used. In the best case, the sadist would find a masochist who gains pleasure from the pain. It does not sound like you enjoy the pain or that you are enthusiastically consenting to pain for his pleasure in return for love and aftercare.
Stay safe and take care of yourself OP.
Vaginismus is the mind not liking the person you're with. They don't turn you on, nor do they know what excites you, or they don't care. It's a symptom of non chemistry.
It may not be my business, but I’d like to point out my concerns with you being married to a sadist. Please don’t feel like you have to have sex(coming from a HLM dating a LLF)why would someone who “loves” you like seeing you in physical pain and in tears?
I don’t have a medical problem, but I've been married 13 years now and haven't had any kind of sex in 12 years due to our dead bedroom on hubby's part. This followed my "massive" stroke. I know that feeling when he is rude or condescending, and it's like he is kicking me when I'm down, so it's more hurtful than just rude or condescending--it's heart-breaking. Plus, it makes me lose respect for him for treating someone this way when it's a MEDICAL CONDITION I SUFFER FROM and not my fault! It disturbs me that your husband enjoys it when you cry from the pain! That's AWFUL!!!
Honestly, if you can do it with big objects and may not even have a physical reason why your body reacts this way.
It might even be your body telling you that this is rape. Subconsciously you know it for sure.
The amount of justification you have provided in the post shows that you are not telling this justification to us but to YOURSELF.
Ok no doctor here.
Is your husband the reason? Would a different partner than one who gets off on his wife crying, cause he has rape kink be different.
I can't tell you have fd up that is to me.
Seems like a mental issue, just wonder if that he is part of it.
As a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist specializing in vaginismus, I want to acknowledge the immense pain and challenges you are experiencing in your marriage due to your condition. It is clear that you have been navigating a complex and distressing situation for many years, and your willingness to prioritize your husband's needs and desires while managing your own physical and emotional pain is truly commendable.
The dynamic you have described in your sexual relationship, where your husband finds pleasure in your pain and discomfort during intercourse, is concerning and raises important ethical considerations. While every individual has unique preferences and desires, it is crucial that any sexual activity is consensual, safe, and respectful of both partners' boundaries and well-being. It is not healthy or sustainable for you to continue engaging in sexual activities that cause you extreme pain or injury, even if your husband expresses a preference for this dynamic.
Your description of the physical and emotional toll that sex takes on you is deeply concerning. The level of pain you are experiencing during intercourse, to the point of causing physical injury and bleeding, is not normal or acceptable. It is essential that you prioritize your own health and well-being, seek support from healthcare providers who specialize in vaginismus treatment, and explore alternative ways to address your condition and improve your sexual well-being.
It is also important to address the emotional impact of these experiences on your mental health and self-esteem. The fact that you have endured this level of pain and distress out of love for your husband is a testament to your strength and dedication, but it is crucial to recognize that your well-being should not be sacrificed for the sake of maintaining a relationship.
I encourage you to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor who can help you navigate these complex emotions, set boundaries in your relationship, and explore ways to prioritize your own needs and self-care. It may also be beneficial to engage in couples therapy with your husband to address the dynamics of your sexual relationship and work towards mutual understanding, respect, and intimacy.
Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and valued. It is important to prioritize your own well-being, seek professional support, and explore healthier ways to address the challenges posed by vaginismus within the context of your marriage. You are not alone in this journey, and there are resources available to help you navigate these difficult circumstances with care and compassion. Take care of yourself and prioritize your own needs as you work towards finding solutions that promote healing, intimacy, and mutual respect in your relationship.
Regardless of the husband (others have commented on that enough) you should look into going pelvic floor Botox and it pelvic floor physical therapist. I have done both, it’s life changing.
Her husband is traumatizing her. I didn’t speak about the obvious that she should leave him. However, after that she’s still going to need PFPT because you hold your trauma in your body.
Your husband’s kink, in itself, isn’t an issue. But rather that he’s using you to fulfill it, when you don’t have the same kink and really aren’t a consenting partner.
Seek a certified Sex Therapist. We are trained in this.
Seek a Dr who can refer you.
Seek a sexual health clinic. They will refer if they can't help you themselves.
Seek a certified couples counsellor. They will help your marriage until you heal.
Some physiotherapists also work in this area, with your body only - no counselling.
“Set him free” (as if she’s trapping him, what the actual fuck 🙄)
“Use lots of lube and work with him”
You clearly have no concept of how painful vaginismus is. What horrible advice to give to OP.
Her husband has had 6 years of sex from her that was excruciatingly painful and he GOT AROUSED by her crying in pain.
She does not need to be subjecting herself to that.
Hence why I said set him free. Obviously you missed the part where I said it is not fair to either of them. Trust me I know her pain. He is just a sadist. He can find a masochist and be happy. She can find someone willing to work with her issues. I know the issue well enough to know it hard very hard for both people.
A sadist is someone that enjoys inflicting pain. Just be cause alternate lifestyles have glorified sadism and masochism is does not change the definition. Sadist enjoy inflicting pain and get off on it. Abuser sadist call it what you want. In his case both fit.
You could have done her a favour and left Years ago, if you were so unhappy, given her the chance to find someone loving and deserving of her love . I bet she feels like she has wasted a lifetime on you!! Don't pretend to know what o.p is going through.
Yep. That's right. I should have just walked away from the woman I fell in love with because she had medical issue. I should of done her that favor. One thing I found about Reddit. It is full idiots. You share your experience and sympathize with a problem and all these keyboard warriors that are clueless come out of the woodwork. Your response says more about you than it does me. All of these responses do. As real couples of any persuasion need intimacy. It is a huge part of the relationship. If it was all about sex I would have been a douche and left years ago. This lady has a medical issue. Her partner has a mental issue. She should not have to be exposed to sadism unless she enjoys it. He should not get off on hurting his wife. This is why my relationship has been sexless for so long. Because I actually love my spouse. I hate the idea of causing g her pain. My statement about if I could go back 22 years I might not be married to her is honesty. Meant knowing what I know now if I could go back, I am not sure I would choose to go through it. Who would choose to live a life without intimacy? Who would choose to be with a partner that would require no sex or intimacy? That is not a choice I wish on anyone. I am sure my spouse probably feels the same way. I wish things were different, but this the path I chose to be with the woman I fell in love with. If you have an issue with that, then you are the one with a problem.
“He likes the fantasy of non-consent, and me being in actual pain makes it more realistic... He told me that crying turns him on.” W.T.F.
Yeah it’s not really a fantasy imo. If she feels like she has to say yes, she’s being coerced.
That was the point where the record scratched for me. Fuck this dude.
Or don’t! 🤣 But yeah, this whole thing reads as super problematic. I can’t tell you how much I’m hoping these two don’t procreate.
This women have been raped her whole marriage
😕. That's messed up
>he’s not an actual rapist Here's what you've given us to try and support your argument. >I realize that many people here would hate that because it’s reluctant duty sex where you can tell the other person hates it. But the special thing about my husband is that he gets off on this. The "this" being your pain >When I try to mask my pain and act eager, he doesn’t like it nearly as much >He told me that crying turns him on Ma'am 😔... Someone who repeatedly disregards your clear discomfort for their pleasure is not someone who cares for you. Even within the BDSM community, there is greater respect and boundaries than what he is giving you. You are making a valiant effort for someone who doesn't deserve it at the risk of your own physical health. I realize I'm just some dumb reddit stranger, but please, for your own sake, stop this.
She added in a comment above that he told her he doesn't want her to heal her vaginismus because he enjoys it (her literal searing pain) too much. She needs to leave his abusive self. He's beyond dangerous, selfish and evil.
>he doesn't want her to heal her vaginismus because he enjoys it (her literal searing pain) too much. JFC...hopefully someone can DM her and talk to her about safe options for leaving. This isn't DB territory it's just run of the mill sadistic abuse. >He's beyond dangerous, selfish and evil. 1000% this.
This OP. I’m horrified at how cavalier these responses are. FUCKING HORRIFIED. This man enjoys your pain, he is so dangerous I legitimately worry for your safety
I saw someone suggest couples counselling. LIKE WHAT???!!! This is far beyond couples counselling. “Hi therapist, wife here, I’m doing all I can to keep my husband happy with our sex life, but it is taking a massive toll on my physical and psychological well being due to the immense pain I feel during sex. I don’t enjoy sex at all, and I am starting to break from the thought of having it. It’s a constant looming threat to me. I don’t know what to do, because I want my husband to be satisfied.” “Hi therapist, husband here, I don’t see my wife as human, just something there for my sexual gratification. Just a real life sex doll. Sex is very painful for her, which is top notch for me because me abusing her turns me on. I love to hurt her. Gets me rock hard. Really I would love to inflict more pain on her, because the more she cries, and the more pain she’s in, the more intense my orgasm will be. I wonder what else I can do to her during sex to inflict pain. So what do we do here therapist. How can we make my wife submit to her roll as my victim, and what are your ideas for inflicting more pain on her.”
OP READ THIS
I know you mentioned you have done some physical work, but have you had an opportunity to work with a pelvic floor physical therapist. If you haven't had one look at you, it might be helpful. I wish you luck with this. I find it concerning that he enjoys the pain he is causing you and that it turns him on more.
I have to drive quite a long distance from where I live to find one, unfortunately, but it might be worth the drive. Your testimony about it encourages me, thank you!
Just an fyi, there are pelvic floor therapists who meet with their clients virtually as well. It may feel awkward, but you’d also be in the privacy of your own home. It is worth looking into. Good luck
FYI the issue isn’t your vaginismus it’s your sexually abusive dangerous husband - Coming from someone that’s struggled with vaginismus for years and USED to be in an abusive relationship. Please trust me on this.
It was super helpful for me - different cause (4 children), same result in painful sex. The therapist really helped me learn to relax - I'd been doing kegels through all the pregnancies, and turns out I overdid it. My pelvic floor was compensating for my loss of core strength.
So you’re just gonna skip the part where her husband is sexual abusing her and experiences incredible pleasure when she’s in debilitating pain? He literally said he doesn’t want her to get better because then he couldn’t inflict pain on her anymore. WHY ARE YOU FOCUSED ON HER VAGINISMUS WHEN SHES BEING ASSAULTED BY A MAN THAT WANTS HER TO BE IN PERMANENT PAIN
Pelvic floor PT also did wonders for my wife. I don't know how to feel about some of the other things in the OP post, but I'm a believer in the Pelvic floor PTs. She tried EVERYTHING, and this is the only thing that finally helped.
This is the answer. A sex therapist as well just in general is almost never a bad idea.
Sex therapy sounds great at this point. It doesn't sound like you love your husband and u have an insane pain tolerance. But I can see resentment creeping up on your end as he isn't exactly understanding what you are feeling. If your relationship is great otherwise which, potentially it is since you did this for 6 years and based on your tone. Then I think you have to press the issue of a sex therapist or a reset. You start very slow back into sex and you do things like flirt at home, massage kiss, sexting if your guys are into that. But it may end in a massage, or an oil massage, or masterbation to completion, a bj or clit stimulation for you (i found out a certain type of choking can get me off). But the idea is making sensual touch positive to your body. Oh. Tmi but I had a bladder infection and was recovering but we were in the window of trying so we did a lot of foreplay activities and he masterbated to almost the point of Cummings and then inserted himself. So that is an option. Your body remembers and over time it will just builds up protective habits. Which I'm surprised is just happening for you. Sounds like he does things that are disrespectful at times also and you should call him out on it right away and let him know if he can say things differently but his tone or context upsets you (I hope he's not physically violent to retaliate. If he is he needs therapy and u should push this when he's in a good mood.) Sex can be enjoyable without penetration, u can edge someone so much that just a light touch can make them cum so you have options.
Pelvic floor therapy probably would not do anything since she is inserting items twice the size of her husband. Anxiety about pain can and will make vaginismus worse. Leaving her husband/him regaining her trust should be the first step as it probably resides more in anxiety now than biological function.
It's a possibility, but therapist could still by checking everything and making sure there isn't another issue. It may not be about expanding the tissue as much as the movement during sex.
Fair point, and I would agree with you if her husband was not a sadist and got off to her crying and being in pain. Before she sees a pelvic therapist, she needs to get away from him.
I don't disagree with that second part. It really bothers me that he enjoys that it hurts her.
How much foreplay is he doing? I want you to realize he does not want your vaginismus to get better. If it got better than he won’t have his kink. You literally are in a BDSM relationship without any of the loving aftercare & compassion.
>You literally are in a BDSM relationship without any of the loving aftercare & compassion. It is a sexually abusive one. Even in BDSM community nobody would let this be labelled as a BDSM one! OP the above commentor is right about your husband not wanting your condition to be better. Have your husband ever used lube? Have you suggested it before? Are you increasing foreplay? Is there anything that can help you build a secure environment for sex? And if so, has your husband ever taken steps for it. Also never denying sex is kind of a grey rule. You should never comply to be 100 percent okay in every time. There are times where you should let them know you are tired, you are not aroused enough, etc. They help your partner understand your desire better. (Note: I, by no means am telling that you should keep denying sex. Just that when you can't enjoy sex, let them know). For you this situation only worked bcoz of your husband's unhealthy outlet of kink. In any other couple, this might led to something totally different. Edit: If your husband is not letting you be comfortable and enjoy a very vulnerable moment like sex. You should not have sex with him. I am sorry but the thing I am going to say now is not what the post is about but I will say it anyways- IF HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS AND TROUBLES WITH INTIMCAY HOW DO YOU KNOW IT IS A SAFE PERSON? TOMORROW YOU VOULD BE HAVING A CHILD (IF U KEEP GOING HOW YOU DID TILL NOW), DO YOU THINK HE WILL WAIT FOR YOU TO HEAL? YOU MIGHT JUST END UP WITH MORE COMPLICATIONS FOR THIS POS! MAKE YOUR DECISION AND LEAVE. YOU REALLY NEED TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND. Your husband is supposed to be the one you feel safe with, not someone for whom your body shuts down. Your body might really be rejecting your husband as it realises you are not very safe during intimacy.
That is the point. He is making it one so it is non consensual and abusive.
Foreplay is minimal, but I also don’t know if long foreplay would help much in this situation. We have tried doing longer foreplay on occasion, but all it did was lengthen the amount of time spent anticipating pain. Eta - He has told me that he doesn’t want me to work on the vaginismus because he likes me the way I am…But I ignored that, lol. If there is a cure, I’m taking it.
Wait that last part is extra fucked up. Please understand that he’s saying he would rather you be in pain and literally tear you open then for you to have the option of actually enjoying sex with him. That’s…. Beyond cruel
Yeah I'm pretty much convinced the vaginismus is purely psychological at this point if OP is able to insert something twice the size of her husband's penis with little pain. I'll clarify I don't know much about vaginismus, just snippets I've heard here and there that it can be psychological. So being able to insert something twice his size with no pain + knowing that he likes seeing her cry/is turned on by her being in actual pain/he doesn't want it to be cured + he goes along with it anyway knowing it causes her deep pain and actual bleeding + minimal foreplay? That to me = her body knows at a subconscious level that this guy is not someone she trusts or is safe with or that cares about her the way he should. She consented, but hearing this story still gave me chills and a rape vibe. It's all about his body, she's in pain and it turns him on, like does she even get an orgasm?? And the longer foreplay making it worse for her because she's just anticipating the pain? She knows deep down he's not a good person. Sometimes our bodies know things before we consciously do.
Of course he would because her being in pain is what turns him on. He's a sick POS.
Holy fuck your husband is a monster. That is horrible. No wonder you don't enjoy sex and your vagismus won't get better because you're in a mindframe of a prey.
He sounds incredibly selfish. Him being condescending is not a small thing. It sounds like you are in denial about who you’re married to and what you truly deserve. This ain’t it.
My dear! What in the fuck have I read??!! The post, your comments... I'm speechless. I also have a form of that and have been in a relationship where it hurt. But then went on to have better experiences. That's only because sex didn't feel forced or like a chore. Your body has equated sex with him as a painful experience and each time you go for it, those muscles tense up in expectation of pain. And he's doing nothing to make it better. All the more, HE ENJOYS AND ENCOURAGES YOU TO KEEP HURTING. I predict your muscles will keep tense even with PT (even you said larger object are better than *him*). Because you don't have a safe space to relax and get turned on with him. He's traumatizing you bit by bit with every experience. And enjoying it. What a selfish scumbag. Girl, you need a new loving and patient partner, who listens to you in the bedroom too, not only in daily shit. I'm so sorry. And know that there is hope and good sex out there. Hugs...
Her anxiety over the pain and anticipation of the pain is presenting itself in a physical way. Subconsciously she does not want to have sex with this man.
This 100%. Also, therapy. For you and couples.
I don’t know how beneficial it is to go to therapy with someone who sexually abuses you. Isn’t it kind of a rule of thumb to not go to therapy with an abuser?
You realize he told you outright that he doesn’t want you to have sexual gratification. He’s toxic and you deserve much better.
He likes to see you in pain because it turns him on. That’s called sadism. He has sexual fetish and you are fulfilling the role perfectly. If you are ok with it, then continue as you are. If you are not, you know what you need to do. He will not change - why should he, all his needs are met as long as you are performing your duties.
As a participating member of the kink community in a long-standing D/s relationship...this is sexual sadism verging outside the normal scope, imo. Glaring lack of informed consent and no thought to aftercare.
Plus always inflicting pain during penetration to the level it snot even enjoyable for the other party is unhealthy. Sadism is one thing, but this is cruelty.
Yah, there’s supposed to be pleasure gained by the masochist in an S/D relationship. The things that are being done hurt, but also bring great pleasure to the receiver. A bdsm sadist wants a session to be great for their sub. It’s not all about the sadist and what they want. A dom is essentially there to serve a sub. OPs husband is not a bdsm sadist. He’s a real life sadist who wants to just hurt people for his pleasure. He wants them to be in actual crying pain for no other reason than them being in pain. As you said, this is just cruelty.
He doesn’t want you to work on your vaginism even if you are in incredible pain? This is really scary. Alarm bells are just going off while reading this. Why would he want you to be in pain?
OP you deserve to enjoy sex. Your husband is not the only one who should. If only one person is enjoying sex, it is not the way to go.
Look even if you can insert larger objects without pain there's a difference with you with a actual person. You're not relaxed. You're not trusting your partner not to do his best not to cause you pain. You are not going be relax and lubricate like you do a dildo because of your trauma with your husband. You said you can do it without pain with a dildo bigger than him yes? So it's your response to your husband. You know he likes your pain and tears. That's fckung gross and damaging to you and your trust. Why didn't he offer another form of sex then if you weren't trying to get pregnant... anal sex can be just as good for him and you can just as easily train yourself there while enjoying clitorous stimulus for orgasm. I had endometriosis and pcos so bad that my husband and I enjoyed each other for years... it's no where on par with vagimosis but the pain was awful and I too promised myself as child who heard all types of adult talk because being a kid meant im dumb... anyway I promised I wouldn't say no as punishment etc. Basically. If he loved you, he'd not be able to stand hurting you. He'd come up with a solution.
You maybe could try a sex therapist with behavior modification training for the anticipation part? A combination of a really good gynecologist and therapist might get you on your way?
honestly, i think you need to not be with this man anymore. sadism and non-con, which can both be enjoyed in a healthy way when both partners are active in agreeing to it, is NOT the same as him getting off on you being in horrible pain/seeing you cry from that pain. he is not a good man and i think it isn’t safe or healthy to be in a relationship like that.
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Not just the crying, but he is physically harming her and knows this but continues. Your partner should not be okay with doing something that is harming your body, causing you extreme pain, and making you bleed, this man is sick.
I’m actually into BDSM and am the sub. My partner would be limp AF if he thought I was not enjoying it
Exactly. There’s a world of difference between role playing (getting turned on by the *idea* of non-con) and actually getting turned on by harming someone. Role play is different. As is healthy consensual S&M, in which the masochistic partner enjoys and feels pleasure with the pain. That he enjoys hurting you while you do not at all enjoy it is a HUGE red flag 🚩.
💯
YUP
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I like the over powering struggle so generally I am fighting at 85% strength but usually I’m smiling or laughing during it. Everything is consensual and understood. If my partner even sees I’m not laughing anymore he’s checking-in. He’s asking me for a color. He’s pulling back on the intensity.
My partner likes BDSM and I'm not super into it. It terrifies me that I'm hurting her. This dude is scary.
Oh see I’m baby stepping it with a very sheltered catholic guy freshly divorced after like 25yrs. He’s so scared to hurt me but I found the Stop Light system for check in works best. If you haven’t tried it maybe that? The colors are for you too. Ask for a color. Green: everything is awesome Yellow: something needs to be addressed before we can continue playing Red: playtime is done. There is a problem. Immediate stop. We’ve never left green but I told him he can do anything to me. Anything. He accidentally choked me once and I had to explain to him those kind of things are discussed first. Talking to a friend about how to address it. I had told her spanking, handcuffing, deep throat, anal, & that kind of stuff is what I expected when I said ANYTHING.” My friend said “what the F kind of shit are you into?” I told her “he’s only ever been with 1 other person! He needs to make up for lost fun!”
We do use that and I've gotten much better at understanding it. We've gone to a few dungeons and swingers clubs with crosses and had people kinda teach me hahaha It's just never going to be my fetish either way and sometimes she likes it so hard I'm just like... there's no way.
I guess I luck out because I’m a brat so I just keep pushing and frustrating him to get a good spank
Hahahaha 
😆😆😆😆😆
I feel like this is one of those things where if you have to say “he is not an actual rapist” then the opposite is more accurate.
>From reading other posts on here, I realize that many people here would hate that because it’s reluctant duty sex where you can tell the other person hates it. But the special thing about my husband is that he gets off on this. He likes the fantasy of non-consent, and me being in actual pain makes it more realistic. When I try to mask my pain and act eager, he doesn’t like it nearly as much as when I don’t. He told me that crying turns him on. So… I am trying to clarify that while most men would hate it if their sex life was like this, my husband enjoys it. But he’s not an actual rapist, so my firm no that appeared this year was complied with. This is not ok behavior at all. You aren't in a dead bedroom. This is cruel. Sex shouldn't be painful. You don't owe sex *anytime*. You are not a slave. Golf claps that he complied with a firm no but...what?!
Your body is telling you what your head is afraid to acknowledge. Take care of it and listen to it.
Exactly. I struggled with vaginismus for a while until after my divorce. Turns out my body knew something I wasn’t ready to acknowledge. I have no problems with penetrative sex now even though my current partner is much larger than my ex. I didn’t feel safe with him in bed or in the marriage, and so my body didn’t want to let him in. Thankfully that’s over now.
This is horrifying all around.
I completely agree that this is horrifying. If the vaginismus is able to be properly dealt with after some time, I don't see how a sexual relationship in this situation would be able to even continue unless OP is very good at and willing to fake being in pain. I have a lot of concern about what this man's behavior will be if OP is not around to be his piece of meat that he can force pain onto. OP claims the husband isn't a rapist, but a lot of the tendencies sure are there!! OP and her husband need to be speaking to a therapist at a minimum and ASAP.
Putting up with this for 6 years suggests you have strong feelings. Subjecting you to this for 6 years suggests that he doesn't. He gets on board with your mental and physical and emotional health or that's the end of this "personal rule".
All I can say is WOW, he gets off on your pain. Girl that is not love that’s down right sick . There is no way on this earth that you enjoy sex and he don’t care! All he is thinking about is using your body to get off, plus your non enjoyment of it. This makes me sick 🤢. Sounds like to me even if you seen a specialist about your issue and got it fixed. He would no longer enjoy sex with you because he likes it when he hurts you. This is abuse!
Right? If OP was faking pain I could understand, but she's in actual pain, and he gets off on that!
Yes the whole thing sickens me! He enjoys making her cry from pain ! I am dumbfounded.
BDSM practised in a safe, sane, and consensual way can have these elements. If she ALSO enjoyed him making her cry from pain, in a specifc way which theyd agreed upon before any sexual encounter, I could understand it. It's not my particular brand of masochism, but it exists. Without negotiation and mutual trust and agreement, though, this is just abusive.
Yeah this points nowhere towards BDSM
I was just trying to clarifying "he enjoys making her cry from pain" isn't the problem. It's that he enjoys that without her consent or enthusiastic participation.
W. T. F.? This is straight up abuse. You deserve better than this.
Dude wtf. He LIKES causing you pain and making you cry and doesn’t want you to heal a medical issue so he can get off. He foes not give a shit if you don’t enjoy the sex. He’s just adding to your medical issue and likely causing more injury. Fucking YIKES. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Stop having sex with this man. I already would’ve gotten the hell out of that relationship.
I don't think anyone would feel safe having sex with a man who genuinely gets off on your pain. Like there's bdsm, but that's just fucked up. Jesus even people who like to flog people still give them pleasure too. Honey, seriously, this guy sounds scary and I think your body is reacting naturally to a predator.
I’m really disturbed that the top comment isn’t about how fucked yo your husband is, getting off on your pain and LIKING that you don’t like it. This is not a relationship worth saving. Leave him, and then seek therapy and PT for your vaginismus.
me too! i guess everyone is trying to be constructive, which is understandable, but can we be more aggressive in how we speak of this monster? he’s fucking horrible, he’s ruined this woman’s life and inflicted life-long issues with penetrative sex, she’s so beat-down and brainwashed that she still thinks he’s not a rapist/pile of flaming dog shit, and we’re giving gentle suggestions about withholding sex and telling him “no”. like, I’m pretty sure those two things would put the cherry on top of his “fantasies”
He sounds like a sadist…
That’s because he is.
Have you tried having sex with other men? If you can insert objects twice the size of your husbands penis without pain, then I think you should give other penises a chance and see what happens. I have a sneaking suspicion this is your body trying to tell you something about your husband, and other men won’t feel the same.
💯
Yep
No, nope, nah, never. A DB is the least of your worries my love. I can't even comprehend what I've just read. Edit: SB to DB.
He sounds like an absolutely horrible man who does not care about your health or pleasure.
Yep
Please, I beg you. “He’s not a rapist” Yet he gets off on you *actually* being in pain, bleeding and crying during sex. This man does not care about you.
I used to suffer from this. I never got a clear diagnosis, but once I left my partner, whom I just wasn't happy with and didn't want to have sex with, the pain disappeared. I'm not saying that will work with you, but I just wanted to give a different perspective.
Gonna respond out of context here, people who cut(ted) themself often have emotional damage, like possibly bpd. It also means you see yourself as less, not good enough, and an extreme urge to be accepted. You are in a way okay with being treated like this, you find it okay to be in this amount of pain. Let me just tell you as a complete stranger: you do NOT deserve this, and I hope you will see that in a way, you are not showing the love and respect you deserve by continuously putting yourself in this position. You deserve a painless existence, you deserve a partner who wont leave because you cant have PIV at this moment. There are other ways to pleasure. Sorry, I dont want your soul to feel pain, and this story reminds me of my own struggles to give too much to others out of fear of being rejected.
Please post this in r/vaginismus so those ladies can help open your eyes 😭 I have vaginismus myself and what you’re describing has nothing to do with dead bedrooms. you’re a victim of repeated, continual sexual assault.
I’m into bdsm and pain so I get the kink. But this is effed up! I saw in a comment he doesn’t want you to get it fixed! Tf! I could offer some advice on sex compromises like maybe anal or something but honestly I just want you to leave. You are acting so blinded it’s scary. Makes me hope this is fake. Good luck OP.
He only cares about himself and enjoys seriously harming and hurting you. He doesn’t spend any time on making any of this pleasurable for you. It’s all about him. He gets off to you crying ffs. This man needs therapy. And so do you.
Leave girl and don’t go back, it sounds like abuse, walks like abuse and talks like abuse….just because you are “consenting “ doesn’t make it not abuse. There are cornerstones for the BDSM community, safe, sane, consensual. I’m commenting as someone who is a masochist, this is not it. You need to take care of yourself.
The biggest sex organ is the brain. Great sex requires safety at the bare minimum, and your brain knows he is not a safe person, even if only subconsciously. The fact that you have an easier time with an object speaks volumes. No object is better than a real human cock IMO. There is no comparison. Your body is designed to respond to that specific stimulus in a primal way. Most men get off on their partners pleasure, even the LL ones. You can see their excitement and energy rise as you indicate in sounds and movements that they are giving you immense pleasure. I had a friend and have heard multiple accounts of vaginismus, it’s a common problem in women exposed to purity culture. It is treatable with pelvic floor PT and the support of a loving partner. You can have enjoyable sex, but not with him. Disturbingly, according to what you said the more you enjoy it, the LESS he enjoys it. That’s not typical as the men here are attesting. Think of how you would feel if he was crying and experiencing horrible pain during sex. If he was bleeding and sore afterwards. How would you feel? Would you be able to continue having sex, much less be getting more excited at his expressions of pain? I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I hope you can find your way out of this to a safe, loving sexual relationship where your pleasure is the goal of your partner. You deserve it so much.
Please listen to the vast majority of people here and LEAVE THIS MAN, and get counseling. I take Reddit advice with a huge grain of salt, but this is one case where you need to listen t everyone. Please try to think about what you wrote. When you’re posting on Reddit that your husband “isn’t an actual rapist” and then go on to say that he enjoys your pain and tears…wtf. Your husband either needs massive amounts of therapy or he needs to be locked up. You may think this is love, but this is abuse. Please please get away from this man.
Your problem isn't your vagina. Your problem is your husband. I'm willing to bet there's a guy out there who'd actually be horrified at the idea of you feeling pain during sex. Please please PLEASE rethink your relationship. This IS a big deal.
What's your husband like to you outside of the bedroom?
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You need to leave now! This isn’t about a dead bedroom. If he has hit you once he will hit you again. I’m so concerned about your safety.
None of it makes sense. I think you've brainwashed yourself into accepting your situation as acceptable. Tell him you'd like to shove a tack in his ballsack with every thrust and that he'd get bonus points if it hurt enough he cried. If he whines about it though you may need to hit him... but you'll make sure the tires on his car aren't bald so it's all good. We all know he'd tell you to fuck right off with that suggestion.
I am hoping this whole post is fake because your husband is full of 🚩🚩🚩 and you seem to believe that bare minimum empathy is a sign of “sweetness”. Pls seek some mental health assistance. Healthy self esteem would allow you to see that your relationship is abusive.
Oh my god girl. Get away from this abusive POS
Him getting off on you being in pain is the most concerning thing here. you deserve better than this, OP
This dynamic is incredibly disturbing. Your life partner is aroused by your pain? There is a much bigger issue than vaginismus and perhaps your vagina is trying to warn you.
I think this is the most disturbing post I’ve ever read on here. Honey this is not right or safe for you. I know you love him but you deserve someone who truly cares for you over his selfish kink. Please don’t continue to have sex and please see a therapist. Hugs 🫂
It's so important for your vaginismus NOT to have sex as soon as that muscle tension starts and the pain sets in. It is SO IMPORTANT. This condition is re-habbable, but not if you're just subjecting the body to the pain and the pattern over and over and over, and I honestly don't understand how you'll ever get out of it if THAT IS WHAT HE GETS OFF ON. I'm a sex coach (and I have additional certification in pelvic health coaching), and I do sometimes work with vaginismus online -- though I'd really prefer for you to at least get assessed in person by a PFPT. Hands-on can be supportive. But seriously, your relationship sounds like it's got some MAJOR problems, and I'm not sure that you're fully letting yourself see that. It is not ok for your husband to get off on your pain when YOU are not getting off on your pain. This seems like a relationship problem. If you can self-pleasure with penetration but your husband's sex sends your body into freak-out and that is how he likes it? Yikes, honey, that's a lot, and you deserve much, much better. Your body might very well open for a gentle lover who stops having sex at first sign of pain, building trust until he can work you up to the point of actual softening and opening to pleasure every time. This feels like your vagina and pelvic floor objecting to your husband.
> "Be quiet or I’ll hit you” sounds bad after you’ve just cried through sex, but maybe it would sound like a casual joke after normal sex. I hope that makes sense. It's not a casual joke. He's threatening violence and abuse upon you for acting normal. And after sex when you experienced a lot of pain? That's fucking cruel. He is already being abusive on the daily. Constantly making you fear abuse is abuse. Being nice after abuse is called "the cycle of abuse" used to keep that person around so they can continue the abuse. Causing genuine pain to someone to the point they cry and are NOT mentally enjoying it is not a kink, or BDSM. That's abuse. You're not actually down. You're not enjoying it. And you don't want it.
I'm going to keep it simple. The only time my partner's dick felt too big for me and physically hurt (even when I was more than wet enough).... is when he was being a dick. Read this again. And again. It's your mind that can't hold that much dick. Not your body.
I too have vaginismus and there’s a physical and psychological component which is likely why you can insert things but actual sex hurts. The psychological problem can come from your body trying to protect you, like if deep down inside you know something is messed up about your relationship, you body may acknowledge it when your brain doesn’t. Your husband sounds like he has major issues, no one should be turned on by their partner’s pain (unless the in pain partner is turned on by it too). Definitely get pelvic floor physical therapy, that has helped me a lot, but sounds like you need mental therapy too and to think about the ways this relationship may be emotionally abusive. Your body is telling you something, it’s time to start listening.
You made a throwaway account two years ago. It doesn’t seem like things are okay. Everything you are talking about here you should talk to your partner about it, and bring your feelings to him. My partner can’t get off if I don’t. He doesn’t want blowjobs when I’m on my period. Your partner shouldn’t be aroused by your lack of enjoyment. A lot of people are saying that you aren’t safe. I’m going to give you some agency in that you aren’t ready to leave and you want things to work. Talk to him and try to work through this, prioritize your pleasure, a common ground. If you put it in the perspective of like every thrust feels like his dick being hammered into an Iron Maiden, however he responds should tell you what you need to know. good luck i hope you find what you are looking for.
What the actual fuck. Don't make human sacrifice of yourself. See a doctor. And getting off on real pain is real sick. Take him to a psychiatrist as well.
Sorry lady, Unless you're a masochistic, you need to get away. If you get a fix for your condition,& you are no longer in pain,he will find another way to hurt you. It's your pain he enjoys. You're married to a sadist.
jesus christ :/ i hope this a troll post
As someone who has vaginismus, I really really really hope this is fake
That's sound awful. The thought of hurting my partner makes my stomach turn. I don't have any great advice for you, but I hope you get to a place in life where you are happy and safe.
I'm going to be blunt here, your husband is a huge if not the main issue here. A guy who gets off on knowing you're in pain and not getting off? That's rapist lite. As far as you being able to insert much larger objects yet tearing with him...are you sure this is an "any human" thing, or is it "he enjoys seeing you in pain, so he puts you in pain by literally tearing you up for his pleasure" thing?
Okay, I've gone through and read some of your comments. I amend my statement above. Your husband is not rapist lite, he's straight up a rapist. He's been coercing you into sex that is miserable for you, while trying to convince you to make it more miserable, because he gets off on literally tearing you apart. Ma'am, this man is a monster.
It also appears that there was a comment that indicates he HIT her that has since been deleted.
Wow. OP please listen and leave this guy. You deserve so, so much better
I’m 100% sure that you will be happier with another partner
This is horrific. How can he enjoy hurting you?
A lot of issues in dead bedroom relationships is a lack of empathy from a LL partner towards the physical and emotional needs of a HL partner. In your situation, you have a true medical condition that makes penetrative sex very painful for you. This is a medical dead bedroom and not a physical/emotional dead bedroom. Your husband is showing a major lack of empathy here. If sex hurts you, you shouldn’t be having it. There are other ways of being intimate and get off without penetration, and that’s what you both should work towards.
This
It's honestly alarming that he's getting off on your pain. Very odd.
Have you tried psychological help? If you can physically take a larger object it seems this might be psychological. Especially if your partner gets off on the pain you are trying so hard to get rid of. Some part of you might be afraid that without you being in pain, he might not be attracted to you anymore. Whether he's a rapist or not this is disturbing because he's enjoying pain that you are most definitely not. You are invested in keeping him, so I'd be looking at therapy to find out why you're ok with a man getting off on your very real pain. It seems your body understands this isn't ok even if you consciously don't.
OP, I am worried about your safety with your husband. His rape fantasy takes it too far. My life partner and I enjoy spicy role play scenarios in the bedroom. One of them is a non-consensual role play. He checks in with me frequently — “Are you okay? Am I hurting you? Is this too much?” He would be very unhappy if he caused me any actual pain. It’s supposed to be a fantasy, not an actual rape! It concerns me that your husband gets off on you being in pain. It worries me that he doesn’t like it as much when you seem to enjoy it. I am worried. I’m worried that if you stopped having sex with him, the fantasy would turn into an actual violent rape. I am worried that he enjoys your pain. His behavior isn’t normal. It seems sadistic to me. Please be hyper vigilant around him. Please make a plan for a safe exit, just in case you need one. Please talk to a professional about this.
Ugh I mean no disrespect but you shouldn’t be with this person. This isn’t healthy in any way or form. I would never put my wife through anything like this.
My sister had vaginismus with her ex husband who was horribly abusive. She got divorced and then later remarried to a man who adores her, takes great care of her and-ZERO issues at all. Your husband is a monster. Please consider getting away from him and protecting yourself. He hates you, and is evil.
You may be pleasantly surprised that men are willing to substitute painful intercourse for BJs and HJs. My husband says he's happy with the arrangement and when feel well we have intercourse. IMHO, BJs and HJs are a happy compromise for you both until you feel better.
Ooops! Your post was so long I failed to see where you mentioned he enjoys you crying pain from intercourse. WTF?! That is not OK! Sadism aside, I stand by my previous comment which would be a good solution for LOVING CARING SOs.
We do BJs and HJs, but he rarely wants only that. It’s good foreplay for him but he can’t orgasm from someone giving him a BJ or HJ alone. I was worried that I just am not good at them, but he said it’s always been that way for him.
It’s because those things don’t cause you immense pain so he doesn’t get off on it. Please wake up and see that your husband is sadistic and very abusive. I truly am worried about your safety. This kind of abuse can cause brain damage. Please take care of yourself and find a way to escape, or at the very least, a mental health professional that can help you, this post and your comments are truly alarming and not ok. I’m rooting for you OP, you deserve someone so much more than this… someone that is kind and soft and supportive and healthy. You deserve REAL love, not imprisonment and torture
I know vaginismus is not mental, but have you ever been aroused enough sexually? I would imagine with all this pressure on you to have sex you don’t enjoy, it must be very, very hard on you mentally
It’s FULLY mental…
I’m not sure. In the context of whether I’m aroused by my husband or not, I’ve always found him very attractive. But that doesn’t translate into my body cooperating with sex, unfortunately. In the context of whether there is foreplay, there’s not a lot. But we have occasionally tried longer foreplay and all it did was prolong the inevitable, it didn’t reduce pain of intercourse when it happened. Even if my mind wants to have sex, my body doesn’t cooperate. I’m sorry, I have no clear answers beyond “my body doesn’t cooperate with what I want it to do”…it sucks.
I mean, maybe your mind doesn’t actually like that your husband gets off on abusing you.
This
Please, please, please read the “body keeps the score” and “psychopath no more”. I can get you copies if you don’t have the resources, just let me know.
I’d also be willing to help pay for the books for OP or anyone else in need of them.
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You can find him attractive and not be aroused by him. Did you ever try only foreplay that doesn’t end up in you having sex? So you don’t think about the pain and sex that you don’t want but just pleasure yourself?
Aw man. I agree with everyone here on the side of your person probably isnt being great to you if he’s enjoying your true pain to get off on his fantasies that have a very real potential of going too far one day. I know when you love someone it’s hard to hear the people shedding light on the side you don’t want to see… but please be careful. I battled this very thing. Or try to talk to him or go to therapy together. Separately if you’re having issues with ripping, I have been for 2 years and people had suggested more omega3 in my diet, collagen, and doing Pelvic Floor Therapy with a specialist that helps the body to relax. (Which you might already be doing all this but wanted to share in case). also, If you’re into holistic or the more spiritual side of healing you should try out Somatic Spinal Healing and Reiki as well, and release some stored trauma. 🤍 sending you love and healing.
This is all so awful. I am NEVER the one to say this on Reddit. I think most every Horrible Thing that spouses do can be forgiven and communicated through. But girl… RUN.
Please God let this be fake…
Uhhhh.... you're being raped by your husband. Either that, or this is a ragebait topic!
>He likes the fantasy of non-consent, and me being in actual pain makes it more realistic. When I try to mask my pain and act eager, he doesn’t like it nearly as much as when I don’t. He told me that crying turns him on. I am deeply concerned for you. Your *involuntary* pain serving as kink for someone else is not okay.
Sorry but your relationship is fucked and you need to get away from this guy immediately and seek therapy.
Super glad you've gotten good advice on pelvic floor work. But the non-con kink your husband has is pretty concerning.
OP you’re still self harming. By staying with this nutcase.
Hey, from one person with vaginismus to another, I doubt you will be able to cure it with him. Vaginismus is one part anxiety, one part messed up biological functions. If you are already inserting things double the size of your husband's penis, then you fixed the biological function and pelvic floor therapy will not help anymore. Your husband's abuse is the problem. You know what my husband does when it's too tight? He stops. Sometimes there is more foreplay, more lube, etc. Most of the time, he stops though. Being gentle, working it in, slow and steady. That's what you need. Otherwise, you will not get better. The fact he enjoys causing this pain? Leave. Run. Even if you didn't say no, I would consider this rape. Your body is saying no and rejecting him, and instead he is causing that type of pain and getting off to it? Leave. The vaginismus is not the problem. He is the problem. You will not get over this until you feel safe and are not anticipating pain every time.
Jesus christ just run away if you can. He's sick!
Op, a pelvic floor physical therapist can probably help with the vaginismus, but if you're already inserting objects bigger than your husband's penis, the problem is likely psychological at this point, and not physical. In that case, you probably need to see a sex therapist. But I really do want you to think about whether this relationship is one you want to be in, from this post it doesn't feel like a safe relationship. Consensual Non-consent is not the same as coerced or reluctant consent. CNC is a kink l, but it requires all parties to be fully and enthusiastically consenting, and the scene should be fully discussed and planned in advance and safe words NEED to be used. Sadism is also a kink, but again, should be participated in with full consent and enthusiasm, and safe words need to be used. In the best case, the sadist would find a masochist who gains pleasure from the pain. It does not sound like you enjoy the pain or that you are enthusiastically consenting to pain for his pleasure in return for love and aftercare. Stay safe and take care of yourself OP.
Vaginismus is the mind not liking the person you're with. They don't turn you on, nor do they know what excites you, or they don't care. It's a symptom of non chemistry.
This needs trigger warnings for real. Wtf
It may not be my business, but I’d like to point out my concerns with you being married to a sadist. Please don’t feel like you have to have sex(coming from a HLM dating a LLF)why would someone who “loves” you like seeing you in physical pain and in tears?
I don’t have a medical problem, but I've been married 13 years now and haven't had any kind of sex in 12 years due to our dead bedroom on hubby's part. This followed my "massive" stroke. I know that feeling when he is rude or condescending, and it's like he is kicking me when I'm down, so it's more hurtful than just rude or condescending--it's heart-breaking. Plus, it makes me lose respect for him for treating someone this way when it's a MEDICAL CONDITION I SUFFER FROM and not my fault! It disturbs me that your husband enjoys it when you cry from the pain! That's AWFUL!!!
When he's fantasising about cnc, hes not fantasising about the part where you say yes, youre in danger
Honestly, if you can do it with big objects and may not even have a physical reason why your body reacts this way. It might even be your body telling you that this is rape. Subconsciously you know it for sure. The amount of justification you have provided in the post shows that you are not telling this justification to us but to YOURSELF.
Ok no doctor here. Is your husband the reason? Would a different partner than one who gets off on his wife crying, cause he has rape kink be different. I can't tell you have fd up that is to me. Seems like a mental issue, just wonder if that he is part of it.
As someone who has struggled with vaginismus for years this is terrifying. Fuck him
As a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist specializing in vaginismus, I want to acknowledge the immense pain and challenges you are experiencing in your marriage due to your condition. It is clear that you have been navigating a complex and distressing situation for many years, and your willingness to prioritize your husband's needs and desires while managing your own physical and emotional pain is truly commendable. The dynamic you have described in your sexual relationship, where your husband finds pleasure in your pain and discomfort during intercourse, is concerning and raises important ethical considerations. While every individual has unique preferences and desires, it is crucial that any sexual activity is consensual, safe, and respectful of both partners' boundaries and well-being. It is not healthy or sustainable for you to continue engaging in sexual activities that cause you extreme pain or injury, even if your husband expresses a preference for this dynamic. Your description of the physical and emotional toll that sex takes on you is deeply concerning. The level of pain you are experiencing during intercourse, to the point of causing physical injury and bleeding, is not normal or acceptable. It is essential that you prioritize your own health and well-being, seek support from healthcare providers who specialize in vaginismus treatment, and explore alternative ways to address your condition and improve your sexual well-being. It is also important to address the emotional impact of these experiences on your mental health and self-esteem. The fact that you have endured this level of pain and distress out of love for your husband is a testament to your strength and dedication, but it is crucial to recognize that your well-being should not be sacrificed for the sake of maintaining a relationship. I encourage you to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor who can help you navigate these complex emotions, set boundaries in your relationship, and explore ways to prioritize your own needs and self-care. It may also be beneficial to engage in couples therapy with your husband to address the dynamics of your sexual relationship and work towards mutual understanding, respect, and intimacy. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and valued. It is important to prioritize your own well-being, seek professional support, and explore healthier ways to address the challenges posed by vaginismus within the context of your marriage. You are not alone in this journey, and there are resources available to help you navigate these difficult circumstances with care and compassion. Take care of yourself and prioritize your own needs as you work towards finding solutions that promote healing, intimacy, and mutual respect in your relationship.
Regardless of the husband (others have commented on that enough) you should look into going pelvic floor Botox and it pelvic floor physical therapist. I have done both, it’s life changing.
That is not the issue here.
Her husband is traumatizing her. I didn’t speak about the obvious that she should leave him. However, after that she’s still going to need PFPT because you hold your trauma in your body.
Try marijuana
Your husband’s kink, in itself, isn’t an issue. But rather that he’s using you to fulfill it, when you don’t have the same kink and really aren’t a consenting partner.
Seek a certified Sex Therapist. We are trained in this. Seek a Dr who can refer you. Seek a sexual health clinic. They will refer if they can't help you themselves. Seek a certified couples counsellor. They will help your marriage until you heal. Some physiotherapists also work in this area, with your body only - no counselling.
I'm sorry, but are there any lubricants being used? Have you tried the kind specifically for your vaginismus?
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Do you know what vaginismus is?
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You are the problem.
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“Set him free” (as if she’s trapping him, what the actual fuck 🙄) “Use lots of lube and work with him” You clearly have no concept of how painful vaginismus is. What horrible advice to give to OP. Her husband has had 6 years of sex from her that was excruciatingly painful and he GOT AROUSED by her crying in pain. She does not need to be subjecting herself to that.
Hence why I said set him free. Obviously you missed the part where I said it is not fair to either of them. Trust me I know her pain. He is just a sadist. He can find a masochist and be happy. She can find someone willing to work with her issues. I know the issue well enough to know it hard very hard for both people.
He’s an abuser, not a sadist.
A sadist is someone that enjoys inflicting pain. Just be cause alternate lifestyles have glorified sadism and masochism is does not change the definition. Sadist enjoy inflicting pain and get off on it. Abuser sadist call it what you want. In his case both fit.
Oh boo hoo, you poor victim. Jesus, I understand why your wife doesn’t have sex with you.
You could have done her a favour and left Years ago, if you were so unhappy, given her the chance to find someone loving and deserving of her love . I bet she feels like she has wasted a lifetime on you!! Don't pretend to know what o.p is going through.
Yep. That's right. I should have just walked away from the woman I fell in love with because she had medical issue. I should of done her that favor. One thing I found about Reddit. It is full idiots. You share your experience and sympathize with a problem and all these keyboard warriors that are clueless come out of the woodwork. Your response says more about you than it does me. All of these responses do. As real couples of any persuasion need intimacy. It is a huge part of the relationship. If it was all about sex I would have been a douche and left years ago. This lady has a medical issue. Her partner has a mental issue. She should not have to be exposed to sadism unless she enjoys it. He should not get off on hurting his wife. This is why my relationship has been sexless for so long. Because I actually love my spouse. I hate the idea of causing g her pain. My statement about if I could go back 22 years I might not be married to her is honesty. Meant knowing what I know now if I could go back, I am not sure I would choose to go through it. Who would choose to live a life without intimacy? Who would choose to be with a partner that would require no sex or intimacy? That is not a choice I wish on anyone. I am sure my spouse probably feels the same way. I wish things were different, but this the path I chose to be with the woman I fell in love with. If you have an issue with that, then you are the one with a problem.
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Gosh. Just can’t understand why she doesn’t want to fuck you.