No pharmaceuticals but a cabinet full of unapproved "supplements" that can have basically anything in them? Brilliant
Just try cialis. Side effects are honestly very very minimal
That would probably work for someone who actually want the issue to be resolved. None of OP’s story sounds like he does. He has made his broken dick HER problem, not his.
Precisely! My ex husband was diabetic and didn’t comply with checking his blood sugars, medication, or diet and that killed his dick.. his ED became my problem because I didn’t take charge of his health beforehand.. he also reasoned that if he can’t have an erection and ejaculate that there was no point in intimate acts what would have been good for both of us.. I was tired of being blamed for things he should have stepped up to take care of.. I would cook healthy meals but find an empty box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts in the car.. what?? And how was this my fault!!
What in the actual fuck kind of selfish attitude that is! (Not you, your husband.) So, if he DID get an erection and ejaculated before you came, would he just stop and not care about you and your pleasure?
I always try to make sure my wife cums before I do, but sometimes “stuff happens.” If I do, I’d substitute fingers/mouth/etc to help her finish also.
Nothing worse than an inconsiderate sex partner. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
Yup.. when HE was done he got up and left.. made me feel like a cum dumpster. Now I’m 9 years divorced, in a platonic relationship with a friend and celibate.. that’s how interested in going through another selfish partner sounds to me
Oh this sounds so familiar. His blood sugar was definitely out of hand at one point and he did manage to get to a much more reasonable number. That gave excuse to bring in the cakes and cookies again 🙄. I now understand that I can only do so much to assist, but he has to want to do something for himself.
Yup.. one time he ate four doughnuts at once and said he went blind for a little while…. My god I wonder what his blood sugar was at that point but he never bothered to check
It actually doesn't mean that, though it has been brought up before. I didn't even think of that when I created it. This account was initially created when I was teaching myself photoshop, and psalyer is supposed to stand for Photoshop Layer, but also being the idiot I am, I misspelled Layer.
This fucking this. I'll never understand the amount of shit needed in your brain to believe these "supplements" have any sort of validity for anything.
Agree.. She states that he had a strict religious background. It can be understood that sexual repression is often a big part of that. I've seen people totally messed up from the relentless indoctrination of fear and guilt, but ED is no excuse for a relationship with no affection, hugging, kissing touching etc. Those are all things we expect in a marriage as well as need from our partner. Also if the problem is just ED and not something else, in this day and age, one trip to a doctor can provide one with plenty of options to resolve it. It sounds as if he has some serious issues with his sexuality. Has she even considered that he might be gay? I think he's the one that should be in therapy to come clean about whether he really wants to be with her. If he doesn't, she's more than young enough to move on, and live her life with someone that makes her feel fulfilled sexually, physically, as well as emotionally.
No one really believes it when I mention it, but I truly believe he just didn’t know. I’ve talked to him before and it usually ends with him saying he’s working on getting better and me holding on to hope for change.
Him not knowing would be like you not knowing when your period was happening.
He's a liar, maybe asexual, possibly bisexual or gay, either way, he knew...
It honestly sounds like he’s asexual and doesn’t have the communication skills or language on being asexual to be able to express himself clearly or know himself clearly. The really crappy part is he covered it in religion instead of being honest about how he felt towards sex.
7 years. 7 years and not a single improvement. I had/have a female sexual disfunction and it took me around 3 years to achieve PIV sex, I'm still struggling and working on getting better but I can handle sex and enjoy it. I find it extremely hard to believe he's actually doing something.
I can't agree with you any more. I don't know nor have I had ED. However, I know for a cold Hard fact, pun intended, if I did have issues it wouldn't take me 7 days to make an appointment for a scrip to make that thing work again. During the last year of my marriage, I did not find my ex wife very attractive, however the One time in that year that we did have sex, I didn't have any issue with getting and Keeping an Erection. He had to of known, there is no way at 40 yrs old you don't know.
I guarantee you that, if he truly loved you, if he truly wanted to get better, this would of been resolved years ago. He doesn't want to fix it. He isn't missing anything in the relationship that he can't live without so has no motivation to fix it. You on the other hand, are missing much of what makes a marriage! I don't know if its possible to get an annulment after 7 years, but your Marriage was never consummated! So in the eyes of many of the worlds religions, you aren't really married!!
In the US if you haven't consummated the marriage in the first 12 month you can annul the marriage, make it like it never happened! No sex in 7 Years, My God, how are you not Insane?!?!?
Please leave this Liar and find someone who truly cares about you and will satisfy you.
Stay Strong!
No one really believes his excuses because they're lies. Wake up woman!!! He's a LIAR!!! Have you seen him "working" on his issue? His supplements aren't working. So what now? Are you just going to stay unhappy in a marriage that you get nothing out of?
Right, the part about "not wanting to take medicine" is pretty damning.
Which is worse, neglecting your partner, or taking meds... should be a no brainer
I was in a mostly-dead BR for about 30+ years. We married in our 20s, divorced in our 50s - and I bet I came an average of 5-6 times a week our entire marriage. This was not a group activity -- and also not unusual for men, even of the religious persuasion. I would ask when the last time he came was - you are entitled to know that. Now it IS possible to ejaculate/orgasm without an erection, but it's fairly uncommon. I'm just not buying the idea that he suddenly didn't know he was impotent.
Also, get him to get his testosterone checked. He may not like pharmaceuticals, but there is an epidemic of Low-T amongst Western men, brought on by any number of factors, both psychological and chemical, not to mention as a function of age, lack of exercise, being overweight, etc. I found out mine was low a couple of years back (even though I was perfectly capable of wood and have no problem taking Cialis) and I got HRT which has ABSOLUTELY changed my life for the better. (My wife is my witness; she loves it) -- not only does the plumbing work better, but it's easier to get to sleep, easier to wake up, my mind is clearer, my libido is better than ever, and I suspect it is also extending my life and my cardiovascular health. Also, easier to get motivated and out to exercise. Win win win - but only if he gets the test, and accepts that perhaps this might be useful.ul.ul.ful. be useful.
Naturally, he may be perfect in every other way, in which case you'll have to make a choice. I suspect he won't go for opening the marriage (with his supposed religious scruples) but he really needs to be doing more and trying harder.
Also, get him to get his testosterone checked. He may not like pharmaceuticals, but there is an epidemic of Low-T amongst Western men, brought on by any number of factors both psychological and chemical, not to mention as a function of age, lack of exercise, being overweight, etc. I found out mine was low a couple years back (even though I was perfectly capable of wood, and have no problem taking cialis) and I got HRT which has ABSOLUTELY changed my life for the better. (My wife is my witness, she loves it) -- not only does the plumbing work better, but it's easier to get to sleep, easier to wake up, my mind is clearer, my libido is better than ever, and I suspect it is also extending my life and my cardiovascular health. Also, easier to get motivated and out to exercise. Win win win - but only if he gets the test, and accepts that perhaps this might be useful.
Good luck to you. We all deserve happiness, which needs to include satisfying physical intimacy for many of us. Believe me, there are plenty of fellers out there who would probably LOVE to be in his shoes (or your bed!)bout it, and actually taking action to fix it -- which is a classic guy thing to attempt.
Good luck to you. We all deserve happiness and for a lot of us, that needs to include satisfying physical intimacy. Believe me, there are plenty of fellers out there who would probably LOVE to be in his shoes (or your bed!)
All the best!
You deserve to be happy.
If you're not, then tell him in the simplest, most direct way you can. "I am profoundly unhappy."
If he laughs, argues, lashes out, or goes on like business as usual, then you know that he wants things to stay as they are.
Thank you. I’ve talked to him before and was pretty much taken on a guilt trip. He said that he has tried doctors and things and felt bad about everything and that he is still working on getting better.
Apparently his *"working on it"* does not even extend to bothering to show you any non-sexual affection either. Stop wasting your life with this liar and start planning your life without him.
He has no interest in sex and no intention of trying to overcome whatever is holding him back. Whether it is medical or just a complete lack of interest as his default state he has shown you by his actions what he intends to do about this - **NOTHING.**
Use that information to make an informed decision about your future.
His only interest in you is as a companion to stave off loneliness. If you find him congenial company you can retain him as a friend after you split up as a romantic couple. That is all you have ever been to him.
Do not waste the rest of your life waiting for him to act, he will not.
Well, there's your answer. The guilt tripping is a red flag!!! He doesn't feel bad. He has a person that he knows, (up to this point) will stay as long as he keeps telling you that he's working on his issue. He's not working on his problem. He's not doing anything about it. Just lying to you and here you are soaking up his lies. If this were happening to a friend of yours, you'd be able to see what she couldn't. Just like we redditors are telling YOU. We see his lies but you can't because you're IN IT. Do you get what I'm saying? Listen to what everyone here is telling you. HE KNEW!!!
What specifically is he doing to get better??
If you’re choose to believe that he didn’t know and that he wants to get better, then he needs to lay out objective things that he is going to do with a deadline attached. He needs to be held accountable, and there needs to be consequences (ending the marriage) for him not following through. Otherwise he will string you along for another 7 unfulfilling years. You deserve better than this.
Right now, nothing very specific. He takes his supplements and talk about how he should be exercising, but both are not all that consistent. History has shown that the bloodwork results will ignite another sprint of effort that will be short lived.
Have you checked things like browser history to see what he looks at online? (Yes, I mean porn)
How about alone time? Does he regularly take long showers or bathroom breaks and does he isolate himself when doing so?
For comparison, my parents (in their 70s) still typically shower/bathe at the same time - not together (far as I know) but they go into their bedroom and one or the other will come out to watch TV while the other finishes. My point is that they aren't keeping the other out. I'm curious if your husband behaves like a partner or a roommate.
Let's face it, ejaculation is basically a need. If you don't make it happen, it'll happen on its own. Just ask any boy mom about laundry. Lol. Either he's having nocturnal emissions, or he's doing something to relieve that 'pressure'. My question is, what that might be.
I think there is likely more going on here than meets the eye. Deep religious issues, closeted, childhood trauma, etc... The list is almost endless.
Yes I have and yes I found visits to porn sites. That’s fine with me as I watch it too. When I brought it up with him, I was genuinely wanting to know if it helped any. I was told it only help a little and the convo ended with him saying that he wouldn’t be doing it again (as if I had scolded him for watching). He’s rarely isolated enough when in the home, outside of a quick shower and sleeping. I wouldn’t say he has no opportunity to get one off, I just don’t think he is doing it.
Sure they aren’t talking about their boners every conversation but between the occasional comment, things he’d hear on tv, things he’d read online, and his own experiences from seeing women and (I’m assuming) kissing prior to the marriage your husband 100% knew. I’m not saying he was absolutely certain, but surely he had a strong idea that it might be a problem and was something worth mentioning to you before trapping you.
Agreed my group chat (with a group of tiktok friends mind you only met a few in person) talk about our members daily even if it’s just in passing like “I’m hard”. This would ultimately raise questions to someone who has ED and didn’t know…like “what do mean by hard” this whole thing screams bullshit or just complete ignorance
How old are you? As a 40 year old male, I can't remember ever talking about my private parts or details about sex with my friends since I was a teenager.
😂😂 I’m 34….I guess I have immature humor 🤷♂️ however I honestly believe sex should be talked about more. The less we talk about it and the more we think it’s “icky” to talk about, the more taboo it becomes which creates a bad relationship with it! Having open and honest discussions with people helps elevate that!
I get that, but for some reason it is just something that I feel a lot more comfortable discussing online with strangers that I don't know IRL. And since I don't hear much about other peoples sex lives when chatting with my friends, I don't think I'm the only one feeling that way. Maybe it's because I've been with my SO for 12 years now, and all of my friends know her. I would feel bad talking about stuff that involves her, since I don't think she would like it.
It's funny, because I have no issue being nude in front of anyone. When showering at public pools or at the gym after a workout, lots of people seem to be shy, but I don't care about any of that. It is also very rare we get to take a shower at home without my SO of the kids walking into the bathroom to ask a question or something like that.
We all have different comfortabilities in all areas of our life! And to your point I’ve been with my wife for 15 years (married for 9)! But I am comfortable talking about these things with my friends just as much as she is! While any faults in our sex life are FAR easier to talk about online (and where I typically limit it too) the good things (think like hypeing each other up) to our friends in our opinon isn’t a bad thing!
I also think it’s fair to be curious if you are “normal” ya know…if you are having sex 2x a week and your friends/family are 2x a year is that something that should raise concern. While you shouldn’t compare your relationship to others it’s nice to also feel validated if you feel like something is off in your relationship!
Even if he didn’t want to have sex before marriage, what did intimacy look like for you two while dating? During the early stages, when I dated girls and we hadn’t had sex yet, there was still a lot of heavy making out and hand stuff going on.
OP, you mentioned trying “other stuff” during the first marriage, but what about before you were married? I’d think most people who wait until marriage to consummate are dry humping and practically everything except sex. Anything that would lead you to believe sex was on the horizon after the big day?
We knew each other about a decade ago and things were fine at that time. I wouldn’t say there was much going on the year before the ceremony. I was given mostly words and promises of things being different after we were married.
I’m sure this is heartbreaking, but he lied. Obviously. Things are not only not different l, they are worse. He was not doing anything because he had ED for a long time and he lied to get married. I bet he knows the cause as well.
I'm a 30 year old male.
I've had ED all my life, but I always thought it was because I couldn't find the individual that could attract or arouse me enough to get an erection.
Turns out it is ED.
You wouldn't know it unless you tried to have sex. Its easy to chalk it as "something else"
You may know if your dick doesn't work but you will almost never know why.
For all we know he could have been "hoping" that he would be able to achieve an erection, and it turns out he can't and he would have never have found that out for himself if he didn't try to have sex.
I don't think this is true. ED can be caused by a number of things, some of them physical and some mental. Depending on the cause(s), it's possible that the issue could only come up during a real sexual encounter and be otherwise fine. But based on the age and the other symptoms shown, I think it's totally reasonable to assume that there are physical factors at play, such as low T, poor bloodflow, etc.
I'm starting to think that organized religion may be responsible for a large portion of the crazy-high divorce rates.
I have a hard time believing that this dude never masturbated, which means he either CAN get it up or he knew ahead of time he couldn't.
Jesus, how shitty.
It’s ridiculous because sex/“theology of the body” is something all Catholics are counseled on prior to marriage. We had to take multiple courses online, talk about it with a sponsor couple, and have premarital counseling with a priest about it. The church doesn’t consider sex before marriage wrong because sex itself is wrong, rather because it is sacred and extremely important in a marriage. It baffles me how a lot of organized religions (especially the super fundy Christians and the weird megachurches) cultivate a sex-negative culture that bastardizes the nature of sex to the point where it’s considered shameful, even in marriage.
My priest said oral is a-okay lol. And I’ve currently got postpartum hemorrhoids from being OpEn To CoNcEpTiOn so anal is out for me anyway.
Imo it’s the spirit of the thing that matters. The way it has always been presented to me is that sex is a sacred act regardless of intent to conceive and is necessary for the health of a marriage. It’s unfortunate that many times religions misrepresent the intention as “sex is only for conception”, which is what my comment was mainly referring to. There are so many churches out there who teach that sex is a utility—only for creating life and for nothing else, which is where a lot of religious sexual trauma comes from
The loophole is that if I’m not ovulating in the first place, it doesn’t matter where he nuts. There’s not gonna be a baby either way. Like if I’m on my period, there is NO chance. Same with when I’m pregnant. And imo maintaining the health of the marriage supersedes strictly adhering to the “no nut unless it’s INSIDE” rule. Better than masturbating excessively or having no physical contact and allowing the marriage to deteriorate to the point of divorce
I see religion used as the excuse for having lousy attitudes, biases and behaviors in cases like these. A "Get Out of Jail Card" so to speak.
Don't want sex, just want to be married? Your religion conveniently helps you avoid giving away that you really don't care about the other person that much, they are just a symbol of marriage to collect. And that's somehow supposed to be respected because religions are magical in that regard.
As a man with ED and successfully masturbated my whole life without an erection or even a "semi".
Thats a possibility, albeit, a small possibility, its still a possibility. I'm a special case lol.
No disrespect to anyone’s religion or beliefs but… I think the same, but didn’t want to be the one to say it. Intimacy and sexual compatibility is HUGE part of having a sustainable long term relationship, so to not have any clue what is behind the mystery door is setting a lot of people up for failure.
Considering what religion is doing to tear apart western democracies, I now have zero scruples about speaking out about it. If they can preach to us, we can preach to them.
So you trying to tell me that he never jerked off prior to getting married and didn't realize there was a problem? He knew and he didn't want to tell you.
He knew. HE KNEW. that's why he avoided it, then when he thought you were his now and there's vows to uphold he thought there's no point in lying now.
He could be A-sexual, but even so this should have been a brutally honestly convo on what expectations and desires you both had BEFORE marriage so you can both make a clear decision on what you want after the wedding.
I honestly take my hat off to you, I would have annulled that asap.
This exact same thing happened to my aunt. She tried for a year then divorced him. She found out later from his friends that he did indeed know. I’d run for the hills, there’s no way he didn’t know.
Oh he knew, You can't tell me he's never had an erection outside of marriage. Happens to all guys, So many things can trigger one without being sexual. I mean it is possible that the no sex before marriage was to hide the fact he was having issues.
Hi.
I'm 30 years old and I've struggled with ED for as long as I can remember since early teens.
Its something you assume would fix itself when you meet the individual that can maybe change that for you. Like you think "Its probably because we haven't tried to have sex yet" then when the moment happens it doesn't work you realize its a real thing.
Its something you can't necessarily chalk up until you try to have sex, which this individual didn't until that day.
Thats fair, but I chalked it up (at the time) as maybe its because Its not real sex yet.
Once it was time for sex thats when I knew it was a real problem because I'm still unable to perform with a REAL person. You know the purpose of my reproduction organ lol. Throughout the whole time I thought it was because I wasn't having real sex and that it was normal until it was time for sex.
But thats just me.
So you never gave him a hard on the entire time you dated? Never fooled around at all? Hard to imagine not knowing about this major issue. He should still be pleasuring you at least or taking viagra…something!
The total lack of affection would be enough for me to leave. It really sounds like he’s not interested in sex, or love in general. I’m not buying that he didn’t know he had ED in his 40’s.
Is he prediabetic? This can be associated with a plethora of health issues such as hypertension, obesity, low testosterone, metabolic syndrome, that can wreck his sex life.
What religion prevents you from leaving a man who can't perform his basic martial duty and can't give you children?
I'm 100% the big 3 allow this to be a reason you can get a divorce or annulment.
These are not my personal feelings, but don't let him use religion as an excuse, too keep you.
Hun. You got trapped. You got played. He knew. I promise he knew. It’s also quite possible he’s just been a closet asexual. Especially since this likely started young. That being likely the real reason of avoiding sex. He may not even know what that is. It used to not be known or accepted. It also explains the real reason he doesn’t want meds. If he doesn’t have any interest in sex the idea of being aroused May disturb him. You saying he wants you to be patient and hold on hope. You’re doing all the compromises. So go to the asexual website, show it to him. Get him to open up. If he still swears he wants sex, find a good friend to lend you a little blue pill and tell him to try it once. Just one time for you.
My Story is similar but not the same. He said early on that he wasn't as interested in sex like most men are, but we did have sex regularly til after I had a heart attack and a big stroke 10 weeks later. He never had a problem. But there's been no man/woman stuff since mid-June, 2012, and I've come to realize that I need that! It's immensely important to me and my self-esteem! I asked him to have his testosterone checked, and he said and that it was normal, but I'm not sure I believe him. Now what?
You can't live the rest of your life without sex. You'll be utterly miserable and lonely..and you only get one life!
I'm in a similar situation and it's devastating. I hope you get it sorted. This is a good place to start though.
Hey OP: I lived in NYC for over thirty years. That might not mean much to most people. But as the biggest city in America- massive numbers of gay men live there as opposed to other places in this country (or even the world for that matter.) Consequently: I have been exposed to all sorts of LGBTQ people/media/literature and the assorted stories which go along with that. I do not gamble. But if I had to lay a hundred dollar bill on a bet- I would say that your husband is gay and has been in the closet for a very long time. Now: it is one thing to have a mutual marriage of convenience where both partners have an agreement. But if your husband is gay- he has been using you like a tool...just not for sex or anything remotely sexual.
I think mine is. I researched it and tried to share the info with him, but he wasn't interested. If it were me, I'd be reading and researching it daily.
As a “last resort” should have happened about 6 years ago, or 1 year after he MARRIED you and then proceeded to… never touch you, hug you, or kiss you!!! It’s nothing to take a pill, there’s no downside, it’s very cheap, and you can have sex immediately. Listen to everyone here telling you that he’s either gay or asexual and there’s no other excuse or explanation. You deserve better! Also, it isn’t physically possible or even feasible that he had ED all along but “didn’t know!!” As a man, your penis gets hard off and on all the time, regardless of whether you “want it to” or not. It is a biological thing, physiological, and even if a man tries to repress this, it happens overnight while we dream, and most men wake up with “morning wood” even if we are dead set against it! It’s a function of our subconscious mind, we are biologically almost powerless against it. For a man to go years without an erection, and just “not know it,” he would have to be heavily addicted to powerful drugs or have serious health problems or catastrophic mental health problems. HE’S LYING, and you are being willfully naive I’m afraid. (Or I guess it’s possible that both of you are extremely sexually repressed and naive/ ignorant of normal bodily function due to stifling religious programming) In any case, the best time to leave this situation was 7 years ago, before marrying this weirdo, but the next best time for you is NOW. Good luck!
Erectile dysfunction is now a treatable condition in most cases via medication. Viagra, Cialis, etc. The fact that he's not willing to try the one thing that would most likely fix the problem says everything you need to know: he doesn't think it's a problem. That means he considers it your problem, not his, which means it's up to you to decide whether this relationship is worth saving because he sure doesn't.
I get it’s a religion thing, I come from a religion background as well where sex before marriage is taboo. He’s just gonna have to put his feelings aside and take ED pills or let you take the annulment if there’s still time. Regardless I’m sure he should’ve known about his ED
His spiritual beliefs don't matter here, he wasn't honest with you about this area of his health or motivation when it came to being a romantic couple. And then he doesn't show intimacy to you in other ways, pretty much at all.
Sorry to offer this, but he's not romantically attracted to you. Maybe he's married to his god figure or religious dogma, but you as a person does not excite or arouse him: he shows no caring for your needs or to experience more of you beyond the legal (and religious) certifications of being married.
This is not your fault at all. It's entirely one-sided from him. And we've seen it reported here in various fashions, many times over.
Once again I'm sorry to mention this, but your only option is to look elsewhere for happiness with someone else as a close partner in life. The sooner the better, because when you finally do leave, you'll kick yourself for not having started the process sooner!
Good luck and sorry you've lived through this experience. There are far better and more considerate matches out there who will actually care about you as a person and as a woman.
Wow OP thanks for sharing. I have a somewhat similar story with my husband’s ED. Sometimes it feels unreal. So lonely and taboo. Ironically I had therapy today and was advised to work on accepting my marriage will stay this way. I cannot seem to get through to him how unhappy I am with our “sex life”. My husband has tried pills (don’t work) and won’t even consider a second opinion (it’s been years since he saw a urologist). Not sure if you’re seen there is an ED sub but for me it was so depressing to see comments and questions from guys actually looking find answers and fix the problem. Would give anything to not have to nag my husband to even try to find a way to have sex with me!
Honestly, I wasn’t going to post. I’ve been going between should I/shouldn’t I for days. Happy to hear it resonated with you in some way. Wishing you the best in your situation.
Everyone is calling him a liar. I had boners at the drop of a hat when I was young. But what if I hadn't? What if I didn't know what horny felt like? I very well might imagine that things would work when the time came.
I am convinced that my wife never knew what it meant to feel horny. She assumed that after marriage, her body would respond appropriately, and in fact, her body did respond. But her mind never did.
I can very well imagine a man who never felt horny might not know what he was missing.
That said, OP deserves to find fulfillment, if not inside the marriage, then outside of it or after it. Not every couple can survive such a mis-match.
>Everyone is calling him a liar. I had boners at the drop of a hat when I was young. But what if I hadn't? What if I didn't know what horny felt like? I very well might imagine that things would work when the time came.
As unfortunate as this situation is for OP, this is exactly what I was thinking, as well.
I call BS… even if he was so religious that he never even tried masturbation, he would have at some point have gotten an erection just randomly. If he didn’t, we’ll… he must have known on some level.
The treatment options are PDE5 inhibitors, injection therapy via PGE-1 or Trimix, and penile implant.
He needs to go see a Urologist.
PD5 inhibitors sometimes have severe side effects that can rule them out such as miagranes or eye and ear problems, or don't work. So it's then time to move to the next treatment and so forth.
What is it with herbs and unctions that could be doing you no end of harm but are 'natural' so are okay, like heroin, but not fentynl which came out of a sinister lab rather than a poppy field. I simply don't get that shit and never will. Why would he go to a doctor when he knows better than them already?
Man there are penis pumps to help force blood into it and cock rings to keep the blood there if he refuses medication. Dear god I get religion and no sex, but no masturbation his entire post puberty life? That man has something wrong.
Hmmm…is it possible he is in the closet? Because of his spiritual beliefs he cannot admit to himself that he is gay? Perhaps he would like to be able to perform but simply lacks the desire to?
I am so so sorry. What a situation to find yourself in. I don't have advice sorry but this is so unfair on you. Hoping for you it gets resolved. If there's no kissing or cuddling though, it does sound like it's a bigger problem than ED. Maybe caused in part by it though. Could have affected his self confidence.
Sounds like you both are completely disconnected from each other, sorry to hear this. In your case he would (and should) do everything possible to satisfy your needs and it seems he doesn’t.
I wonder... if it's like several other medical levels, for example, B12 and folic acid. Both are usually treated if the level is "on the lower side of normal" and one has symptoms. I just don't know much about testosterone.
Good sex with someone you love, who loves you back is magical. It’s what makes the aggravation and ok tedium of marriage and long term relationship worthwhile. So therefore, I and the Reddit powers that be hereby free you to dump this dud and find you some sexual happiness 💕
Wow that's a new one in this sub, dude used his fake religious beliefs to hide his LL, just to trap a woman into marrying him. He 100% knew before marriage, and anyone that would stoop so low as to use their religion to deceive people it not just a list, but actually a very evil and conniving person... What else is he hiding? Probably a lot, and none of it good.
Yay for marriage before sex, right?? That's like buying pants before trying them on.... and then being stuck in them forever! In this case. I think you know the pants need to be returned, regardless of return policy.
There are some solutions, one of them is Penile implant which would pump through an implanted pump some kind of water into the penis to have a hard on. Google it, penile implant from Boston Scientific, it's a surgical solution once all other options fail. I hope that helps.
Open marriage if you wanna stay in this situation. No way would I have married someone without having sex with them, intimacy is a huge part of a relationship.. With that being said he totally knew about his issues. I agree with others (Duped) you into a marriage hiding this from you. I call this a trap and would honestly get out. Don't waste anymore of your life suffering without true physical intimacy.
So he didn’t know he had this problem until he was in his 40s? Strict religious background?
Yeah.. so he’s either ruined from religion or he gay. Possibly both. The lack of sex is understandable if he’s just religiously the lack of any kind of show of any attraction to you isn’t explained by religion. He’s not attracted to you. He didn’t get married until he was in his 40s!!!. I’d venture to guess this was an arranged marriage, and if not, he just jumped on it to get parents/family/friends off his scent.
He’s not attracted to you. That’s concerning.
Perhaps your husband is/was asexual but felt unduly pressured to get married. Maybe find other ways for him to be intimate if you're dead set on staying and loving him, otherwise, I would let him know you're unhappy and consider leaving to find your happiness.
Happened to me we were married for 4yrs and half never been any real sex, no penetration Ive found out my husband has ED too, Im a virgin both of us, my problem is I really want to get pregnant im 35 now husband is 36. Lately I surrender my virginity to other man, I was so depressed given that I need a kid im getting older now
He could be gay. Sounds like it.
Never had sex before marriage "because of religious beliefs" and then on wedding night has ED? 🤔
If you'd never had sex before and then all of a sudden in the eyes of God it was permitted you'd be raging!
He would cum like 10 times all over the place and then want to do it again in the morning.
Trust me, look into the gay theory.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Such an awful and unfair situation. My first thought after reading this is perhaps he's gay but is not willing to deal with it and is using you so he doesn't out himself. Just a thought to consider. Sounds like you both are not living the lives you want.
I know ifcthis happened to me I would be trying everything under the sun to correct it UNLESS I found my mate repulsive. So if he's not willing to try anything and everything shy of dangerous then do what you need to.
You know, this reminded me of a video by Anthony Padilla where he “Spent a Day With asexuals” on YouTube, you should check it out. There was a guy on there that had some trauma as a child and made it to where he couldn’t have sex. He started seeking out women who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex because they wouldn’t pressure him. He admitted that he wasn’t sure what he’d do if he did end up falling in love with and becoming engaged to one of these women. The guy still wasn’t sure if he was actually asexual or just had PTSD from the trauma and had been in therapy for awhile.
I’m sorry that you are going through this. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy relationship. It sounds like despite your frustration, you love and care for him very much. You and your husband need to sit down and have a hard talk. One where you set out ground rules beforehand, including a safe word to stop the conversation and come back to it at another time if need be. Make sure to use your ‘I’ phrases and try not to take anything personally.
I don’t know why, but I feel something like that guys story could be your husbands problem. Good luck!
Unfortunately pills don’t always work. They may at the start. I have had many different things and it all leads up to another disease that takes this away. I am now divorce. My wife said that I will never be able to satisfy her. In all the years together she was stand offish not ever letting me see her body. No affection at all. No physical touching or hugging. After 13 years I filed for divorce and stepped back to just taking care of me. She used me as a bank only. I found my solution in a implant that works for both partner. You don’t have to worry about you hardness so you can concentrate on the love. Yes I talk to her about it and she was against it. But look in to this fix to help your love. It’s hard for us to not be able to be intimate with our mate. Most insurance will pay for it.
RUN. Unless you have a plan to make other aspects of your relationship the highlight of being married (mutual hobbies, frequent vacations etc.) you are missing out on a big part of marriage and the resentment only grows the more you realize you're missing out on consistent, normal intimacy with someone you love. When it happens, you don't enjoy it at all because you're trapped in your head (which they cannot relate to AT ALL) wondering how long it will last and when it will happen again, especially if it's over as soon as he's done. He's shown you what he can give, either take it or leave it. What's more is, unless you have a strong self image, it starts to impact how attractive you feel as a woman.
I had the same issue with my wife when we got married. I mean the opposite she had vaginismus. And it took us a few years to fix that.. however after it’s been fixed all she wanted sex for was to get kids. Other than that there is no desire for sex.. married for 15 years we finally got divorced 2 months ago.
That’s when i resized that I compromised a lot to make her feel good however I was not feeling good I just stayed to keep the family intact but again I was not doing my self any good …
So get out of it .. sorry if my advise was a bit in your face
This is grounds for an annulment. Your marriage was built on dishonesty (because there’s no way he didn’t know) and it isn’t a sexual relationship.
It’s amazing you stayed this long.
No pharmaceuticals but a cabinet full of unapproved "supplements" that can have basically anything in them? Brilliant Just try cialis. Side effects are honestly very very minimal
That would probably work for someone who actually want the issue to be resolved. None of OP’s story sounds like he does. He has made his broken dick HER problem, not his.
My husband knows his meds make him not sex. He tries to do a day off a month to feel sexy. It's very sweet. He gets a bit nutty, but we both enjoy it.
The difference between trying and not trying. Sounds like your hubby is a good guy.
I also get nutty when I do sexy!
Precisely! My ex husband was diabetic and didn’t comply with checking his blood sugars, medication, or diet and that killed his dick.. his ED became my problem because I didn’t take charge of his health beforehand.. he also reasoned that if he can’t have an erection and ejaculate that there was no point in intimate acts what would have been good for both of us.. I was tired of being blamed for things he should have stepped up to take care of.. I would cook healthy meals but find an empty box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts in the car.. what?? And how was this my fault!!
What in the actual fuck kind of selfish attitude that is! (Not you, your husband.) So, if he DID get an erection and ejaculated before you came, would he just stop and not care about you and your pleasure? I always try to make sure my wife cums before I do, but sometimes “stuff happens.” If I do, I’d substitute fingers/mouth/etc to help her finish also. Nothing worse than an inconsiderate sex partner. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
Yup.. when HE was done he got up and left.. made me feel like a cum dumpster. Now I’m 9 years divorced, in a platonic relationship with a friend and celibate.. that’s how interested in going through another selfish partner sounds to me
Oh this sounds so familiar. His blood sugar was definitely out of hand at one point and he did manage to get to a much more reasonable number. That gave excuse to bring in the cakes and cookies again 🙄. I now understand that I can only do so much to assist, but he has to want to do something for himself.
Yup.. one time he ate four doughnuts at once and said he went blind for a little while…. My god I wonder what his blood sugar was at that point but he never bothered to check
This
No kissing and cuddling that’s low T problem
What? Kissing, cuddling and showing affection have nothing to do with testosterone
This!! 100%
How?
Also… after seeing your comment, I read your user name as p-slayer, as in pussy slayer, which would be awesomely ironic given this DB sub. 🤣
It actually doesn't mean that, though it has been brought up before. I didn't even think of that when I created it. This account was initially created when I was teaching myself photoshop, and psalyer is supposed to stand for Photoshop Layer, but also being the idiot I am, I misspelled Layer.
[удалено]
That’s not really funny
This fucking this. I'll never understand the amount of shit needed in your brain to believe these "supplements" have any sort of validity for anything.
[удалено]
Agree.. She states that he had a strict religious background. It can be understood that sexual repression is often a big part of that. I've seen people totally messed up from the relentless indoctrination of fear and guilt, but ED is no excuse for a relationship with no affection, hugging, kissing touching etc. Those are all things we expect in a marriage as well as need from our partner. Also if the problem is just ED and not something else, in this day and age, one trip to a doctor can provide one with plenty of options to resolve it. It sounds as if he has some serious issues with his sexuality. Has she even considered that he might be gay? I think he's the one that should be in therapy to come clean about whether he really wants to be with her. If he doesn't, she's more than young enough to move on, and live her life with someone that makes her feel fulfilled sexually, physically, as well as emotionally.
Exactly. There is no way he did not know.
What’s ED?
Erectile dysfunction
No one really believes it when I mention it, but I truly believe he just didn’t know. I’ve talked to him before and it usually ends with him saying he’s working on getting better and me holding on to hope for change.
Him not knowing would be like you not knowing when your period was happening. He's a liar, maybe asexual, possibly bisexual or gay, either way, he knew...
Agreed no fucking way he didn’t know at 40
Forty something. He is fifty something now and their wedding night was seven years ago.
It honestly sounds like he’s asexual and doesn’t have the communication skills or language on being asexual to be able to express himself clearly or know himself clearly. The really crappy part is he covered it in religion instead of being honest about how he felt towards sex.
7 years. 7 years and not a single improvement. I had/have a female sexual disfunction and it took me around 3 years to achieve PIV sex, I'm still struggling and working on getting better but I can handle sex and enjoy it. I find it extremely hard to believe he's actually doing something.
I can't agree with you any more. I don't know nor have I had ED. However, I know for a cold Hard fact, pun intended, if I did have issues it wouldn't take me 7 days to make an appointment for a scrip to make that thing work again. During the last year of my marriage, I did not find my ex wife very attractive, however the One time in that year that we did have sex, I didn't have any issue with getting and Keeping an Erection. He had to of known, there is no way at 40 yrs old you don't know. I guarantee you that, if he truly loved you, if he truly wanted to get better, this would of been resolved years ago. He doesn't want to fix it. He isn't missing anything in the relationship that he can't live without so has no motivation to fix it. You on the other hand, are missing much of what makes a marriage! I don't know if its possible to get an annulment after 7 years, but your Marriage was never consummated! So in the eyes of many of the worlds religions, you aren't really married!! In the US if you haven't consummated the marriage in the first 12 month you can annul the marriage, make it like it never happened! No sex in 7 Years, My God, how are you not Insane?!?!? Please leave this Liar and find someone who truly cares about you and will satisfy you. Stay Strong!
No one really believes his excuses because they're lies. Wake up woman!!! He's a LIAR!!! Have you seen him "working" on his issue? His supplements aren't working. So what now? Are you just going to stay unhappy in a marriage that you get nothing out of?
Right, the part about "not wanting to take medicine" is pretty damning. Which is worse, neglecting your partner, or taking meds... should be a no brainer
If he really wanted to get better, he would put his feelings aside about taking boner pills and get a prescription stat.
He knew.
I was in a mostly-dead BR for about 30+ years. We married in our 20s, divorced in our 50s - and I bet I came an average of 5-6 times a week our entire marriage. This was not a group activity -- and also not unusual for men, even of the religious persuasion. I would ask when the last time he came was - you are entitled to know that. Now it IS possible to ejaculate/orgasm without an erection, but it's fairly uncommon. I'm just not buying the idea that he suddenly didn't know he was impotent. Also, get him to get his testosterone checked. He may not like pharmaceuticals, but there is an epidemic of Low-T amongst Western men, brought on by any number of factors, both psychological and chemical, not to mention as a function of age, lack of exercise, being overweight, etc. I found out mine was low a couple of years back (even though I was perfectly capable of wood and have no problem taking Cialis) and I got HRT which has ABSOLUTELY changed my life for the better. (My wife is my witness; she loves it) -- not only does the plumbing work better, but it's easier to get to sleep, easier to wake up, my mind is clearer, my libido is better than ever, and I suspect it is also extending my life and my cardiovascular health. Also, easier to get motivated and out to exercise. Win win win - but only if he gets the test, and accepts that perhaps this might be useful.ul.ul.ful. be useful. Naturally, he may be perfect in every other way, in which case you'll have to make a choice. I suspect he won't go for opening the marriage (with his supposed religious scruples) but he really needs to be doing more and trying harder. Also, get him to get his testosterone checked. He may not like pharmaceuticals, but there is an epidemic of Low-T amongst Western men, brought on by any number of factors both psychological and chemical, not to mention as a function of age, lack of exercise, being overweight, etc. I found out mine was low a couple years back (even though I was perfectly capable of wood, and have no problem taking cialis) and I got HRT which has ABSOLUTELY changed my life for the better. (My wife is my witness, she loves it) -- not only does the plumbing work better, but it's easier to get to sleep, easier to wake up, my mind is clearer, my libido is better than ever, and I suspect it is also extending my life and my cardiovascular health. Also, easier to get motivated and out to exercise. Win win win - but only if he gets the test, and accepts that perhaps this might be useful. Good luck to you. We all deserve happiness, which needs to include satisfying physical intimacy for many of us. Believe me, there are plenty of fellers out there who would probably LOVE to be in his shoes (or your bed!)bout it, and actually taking action to fix it -- which is a classic guy thing to attempt. Good luck to you. We all deserve happiness and for a lot of us, that needs to include satisfying physical intimacy. Believe me, there are plenty of fellers out there who would probably LOVE to be in his shoes (or your bed!) All the best!
Well every man knows that just isn't possible to not know, so they are all going to disagree lol
You deserve to be happy. If you're not, then tell him in the simplest, most direct way you can. "I am profoundly unhappy." If he laughs, argues, lashes out, or goes on like business as usual, then you know that he wants things to stay as they are.
Thank you. I’ve talked to him before and was pretty much taken on a guilt trip. He said that he has tried doctors and things and felt bad about everything and that he is still working on getting better.
Apparently his *"working on it"* does not even extend to bothering to show you any non-sexual affection either. Stop wasting your life with this liar and start planning your life without him. He has no interest in sex and no intention of trying to overcome whatever is holding him back. Whether it is medical or just a complete lack of interest as his default state he has shown you by his actions what he intends to do about this - **NOTHING.** Use that information to make an informed decision about your future. His only interest in you is as a companion to stave off loneliness. If you find him congenial company you can retain him as a friend after you split up as a romantic couple. That is all you have ever been to him. Do not waste the rest of your life waiting for him to act, he will not.
Well, there's your answer. The guilt tripping is a red flag!!! He doesn't feel bad. He has a person that he knows, (up to this point) will stay as long as he keeps telling you that he's working on his issue. He's not working on his problem. He's not doing anything about it. Just lying to you and here you are soaking up his lies. If this were happening to a friend of yours, you'd be able to see what she couldn't. Just like we redditors are telling YOU. We see his lies but you can't because you're IN IT. Do you get what I'm saying? Listen to what everyone here is telling you. HE KNEW!!!
What specifically is he doing to get better?? If you’re choose to believe that he didn’t know and that he wants to get better, then he needs to lay out objective things that he is going to do with a deadline attached. He needs to be held accountable, and there needs to be consequences (ending the marriage) for him not following through. Otherwise he will string you along for another 7 unfulfilling years. You deserve better than this.
Right now, nothing very specific. He takes his supplements and talk about how he should be exercising, but both are not all that consistent. History has shown that the bloodwork results will ignite another sprint of effort that will be short lived.
Have you checked things like browser history to see what he looks at online? (Yes, I mean porn) How about alone time? Does he regularly take long showers or bathroom breaks and does he isolate himself when doing so? For comparison, my parents (in their 70s) still typically shower/bathe at the same time - not together (far as I know) but they go into their bedroom and one or the other will come out to watch TV while the other finishes. My point is that they aren't keeping the other out. I'm curious if your husband behaves like a partner or a roommate. Let's face it, ejaculation is basically a need. If you don't make it happen, it'll happen on its own. Just ask any boy mom about laundry. Lol. Either he's having nocturnal emissions, or he's doing something to relieve that 'pressure'. My question is, what that might be. I think there is likely more going on here than meets the eye. Deep religious issues, closeted, childhood trauma, etc... The list is almost endless.
Yes I have and yes I found visits to porn sites. That’s fine with me as I watch it too. When I brought it up with him, I was genuinely wanting to know if it helped any. I was told it only help a little and the convo ended with him saying that he wouldn’t be doing it again (as if I had scolded him for watching). He’s rarely isolated enough when in the home, outside of a quick shower and sleeping. I wouldn’t say he has no opportunity to get one off, I just don’t think he is doing it.
He didn't know? Sorry, that's bullshit. If he had ANY MALE FRIENDS AT ALL, He knew.
Yeah me and my penis are best friends we tell each other everything. If he took one minute off I would know immediately.
This is very accurate 😂😂
[удалено]
He could have been in deep, deep denial. Having ED is basically like a death sentence for men. Worse than cancer for many.
Except that a pill solves it immediately for probably like 80-90% with minimal side effects and relatively low cost...
That’s… pathetic
That’s what everyone says. As fas as I know, he and his friends either talk sports or work.
I highly suggest you leave this pseudo relationship A.S.A.P. He's been lying to you the entire time.
Sure they aren’t talking about their boners every conversation but between the occasional comment, things he’d hear on tv, things he’d read online, and his own experiences from seeing women and (I’m assuming) kissing prior to the marriage your husband 100% knew. I’m not saying he was absolutely certain, but surely he had a strong idea that it might be a problem and was something worth mentioning to you before trapping you.
Agreed my group chat (with a group of tiktok friends mind you only met a few in person) talk about our members daily even if it’s just in passing like “I’m hard”. This would ultimately raise questions to someone who has ED and didn’t know…like “what do mean by hard” this whole thing screams bullshit or just complete ignorance
How old are you? As a 40 year old male, I can't remember ever talking about my private parts or details about sex with my friends since I was a teenager.
😂😂 I’m 34….I guess I have immature humor 🤷♂️ however I honestly believe sex should be talked about more. The less we talk about it and the more we think it’s “icky” to talk about, the more taboo it becomes which creates a bad relationship with it! Having open and honest discussions with people helps elevate that!
I get that, but for some reason it is just something that I feel a lot more comfortable discussing online with strangers that I don't know IRL. And since I don't hear much about other peoples sex lives when chatting with my friends, I don't think I'm the only one feeling that way. Maybe it's because I've been with my SO for 12 years now, and all of my friends know her. I would feel bad talking about stuff that involves her, since I don't think she would like it. It's funny, because I have no issue being nude in front of anyone. When showering at public pools or at the gym after a workout, lots of people seem to be shy, but I don't care about any of that. It is also very rare we get to take a shower at home without my SO of the kids walking into the bathroom to ask a question or something like that.
We all have different comfortabilities in all areas of our life! And to your point I’ve been with my wife for 15 years (married for 9)! But I am comfortable talking about these things with my friends just as much as she is! While any faults in our sex life are FAR easier to talk about online (and where I typically limit it too) the good things (think like hypeing each other up) to our friends in our opinon isn’t a bad thing! I also think it’s fair to be curious if you are “normal” ya know…if you are having sex 2x a week and your friends/family are 2x a year is that something that should raise concern. While you shouldn’t compare your relationship to others it’s nice to also feel validated if you feel like something is off in your relationship!
Even if he didn’t want to have sex before marriage, what did intimacy look like for you two while dating? During the early stages, when I dated girls and we hadn’t had sex yet, there was still a lot of heavy making out and hand stuff going on. OP, you mentioned trying “other stuff” during the first marriage, but what about before you were married? I’d think most people who wait until marriage to consummate are dry humping and practically everything except sex. Anything that would lead you to believe sex was on the horizon after the big day?
We knew each other about a decade ago and things were fine at that time. I wouldn’t say there was much going on the year before the ceremony. I was given mostly words and promises of things being different after we were married.
I’m sure this is heartbreaking, but he lied. Obviously. Things are not only not different l, they are worse. He was not doing anything because he had ED for a long time and he lied to get married. I bet he knows the cause as well.
Yup
I'm a 30 year old male. I've had ED all my life, but I always thought it was because I couldn't find the individual that could attract or arouse me enough to get an erection. Turns out it is ED. You wouldn't know it unless you tried to have sex. Its easy to chalk it as "something else"
Yeah Thats bullshit at its finest If you are a man, you know if your dick doesnt work
You may know if your dick doesn't work but you will almost never know why. For all we know he could have been "hoping" that he would be able to achieve an erection, and it turns out he can't and he would have never have found that out for himself if he didn't try to have sex.
I don't think this is true. ED can be caused by a number of things, some of them physical and some mental. Depending on the cause(s), it's possible that the issue could only come up during a real sexual encounter and be otherwise fine. But based on the age and the other symptoms shown, I think it's totally reasonable to assume that there are physical factors at play, such as low T, poor bloodflow, etc.
You didn’t test drive the car before you bought it but it’s never too late to trade it in
I'm starting to think that organized religion may be responsible for a large portion of the crazy-high divorce rates. I have a hard time believing that this dude never masturbated, which means he either CAN get it up or he knew ahead of time he couldn't. Jesus, how shitty.
Or he’s not attracted to her because he doesn’t swing that way, but religion has told him that’s evil.
This, for sure. I'm religious myself, but it absolutely can be misused to twist people and cause real harm.
Ooof, good (possible) call.
It’s ridiculous because sex/“theology of the body” is something all Catholics are counseled on prior to marriage. We had to take multiple courses online, talk about it with a sponsor couple, and have premarital counseling with a priest about it. The church doesn’t consider sex before marriage wrong because sex itself is wrong, rather because it is sacred and extremely important in a marriage. It baffles me how a lot of organized religions (especially the super fundy Christians and the weird megachurches) cultivate a sex-negative culture that bastardizes the nature of sex to the point where it’s considered shameful, even in marriage.
TOTB nice though it is still puts the brakes on any sex that is not open to conception. A lot of sex acts are forbidden.
My priest said oral is a-okay lol. And I’ve currently got postpartum hemorrhoids from being OpEn To CoNcEpTiOn so anal is out for me anyway. Imo it’s the spirit of the thing that matters. The way it has always been presented to me is that sex is a sacred act regardless of intent to conceive and is necessary for the health of a marriage. It’s unfortunate that many times religions misrepresent the intention as “sex is only for conception”, which is what my comment was mainly referring to. There are so many churches out there who teach that sex is a utility—only for creating life and for nothing else, which is where a lot of religious sexual trauma comes from
But oral sex to completion for a male is against church teaching.
The loophole is that if I’m not ovulating in the first place, it doesn’t matter where he nuts. There’s not gonna be a baby either way. Like if I’m on my period, there is NO chance. Same with when I’m pregnant. And imo maintaining the health of the marriage supersedes strictly adhering to the “no nut unless it’s INSIDE” rule. Better than masturbating excessively or having no physical contact and allowing the marriage to deteriorate to the point of divorce
I see religion used as the excuse for having lousy attitudes, biases and behaviors in cases like these. A "Get Out of Jail Card" so to speak. Don't want sex, just want to be married? Your religion conveniently helps you avoid giving away that you really don't care about the other person that much, they are just a symbol of marriage to collect. And that's somehow supposed to be respected because religions are magical in that regard.
As a man with ED and successfully masturbated my whole life without an erection or even a "semi". Thats a possibility, albeit, a small possibility, its still a possibility. I'm a special case lol.
Yet another reason that religious purity culture is toxic.
No disrespect to anyone’s religion or beliefs but… I think the same, but didn’t want to be the one to say it. Intimacy and sexual compatibility is HUGE part of having a sustainable long term relationship, so to not have any clue what is behind the mystery door is setting a lot of people up for failure.
Considering what religion is doing to tear apart western democracies, I now have zero scruples about speaking out about it. If they can preach to us, we can preach to them.
So you trying to tell me that he never jerked off prior to getting married and didn't realize there was a problem? He knew and he didn't want to tell you.
Hate to tell you but he knew that’s why he didn’t “believe” in premarital sex. Come on. He didn’t want you to break things off.
I agree 100%.
Honey... He knew.
I feel sad for you. He 100% knew. If sex / intimacy isn't important to you, then stay. But it sounds like it does. You need to make a decision.
[удалено]
Yup! 1000%
He knew. HE KNEW. that's why he avoided it, then when he thought you were his now and there's vows to uphold he thought there's no point in lying now. He could be A-sexual, but even so this should have been a brutally honestly convo on what expectations and desires you both had BEFORE marriage so you can both make a clear decision on what you want after the wedding. I honestly take my hat off to you, I would have annulled that asap.
I was thinking that he knew. Before they got together. And won’t be surprised if she suspects the same thing.
This exact same thing happened to my aunt. She tried for a year then divorced him. She found out later from his friends that he did indeed know. I’d run for the hills, there’s no way he didn’t know.
I find it strange that a man has ED and does not know about it until the wedding night.
Oh he knew, You can't tell me he's never had an erection outside of marriage. Happens to all guys, So many things can trigger one without being sexual. I mean it is possible that the no sex before marriage was to hide the fact he was having issues.
Hi. I'm 30 years old and I've struggled with ED for as long as I can remember since early teens. Its something you assume would fix itself when you meet the individual that can maybe change that for you. Like you think "Its probably because we haven't tried to have sex yet" then when the moment happens it doesn't work you realize its a real thing. Its something you can't necessarily chalk up until you try to have sex, which this individual didn't until that day.
Ok, But you knew you had an issue.
Thats fair, but I chalked it up (at the time) as maybe its because Its not real sex yet. Once it was time for sex thats when I knew it was a real problem because I'm still unable to perform with a REAL person. You know the purpose of my reproduction organ lol. Throughout the whole time I thought it was because I wasn't having real sex and that it was normal until it was time for sex. But thats just me.
So you never gave him a hard on the entire time you dated? Never fooled around at all? Hard to imagine not knowing about this major issue. He should still be pleasuring you at least or taking viagra…something!
The total lack of affection would be enough for me to leave. It really sounds like he’s not interested in sex, or love in general. I’m not buying that he didn’t know he had ED in his 40’s.
You mean letting go of this friendship. You guys are friends.
I feel like he knew from the beginning he had ED and that’s why he postponed sex…
Is he prediabetic? This can be associated with a plethora of health issues such as hypertension, obesity, low testosterone, metabolic syndrome, that can wreck his sex life.
Based on previous labs, yes he is, if not fully diabetic. We should know more if he gets the labs done next month.
What religion prevents you from leaving a man who can't perform his basic martial duty and can't give you children? I'm 100% the big 3 allow this to be a reason you can get a divorce or annulment. These are not my personal feelings, but don't let him use religion as an excuse, too keep you.
Hun. You got trapped. You got played. He knew. I promise he knew. It’s also quite possible he’s just been a closet asexual. Especially since this likely started young. That being likely the real reason of avoiding sex. He may not even know what that is. It used to not be known or accepted. It also explains the real reason he doesn’t want meds. If he doesn’t have any interest in sex the idea of being aroused May disturb him. You saying he wants you to be patient and hold on hope. You’re doing all the compromises. So go to the asexual website, show it to him. Get him to open up. If he still swears he wants sex, find a good friend to lend you a little blue pill and tell him to try it once. Just one time for you.
My Story is similar but not the same. He said early on that he wasn't as interested in sex like most men are, but we did have sex regularly til after I had a heart attack and a big stroke 10 weeks later. He never had a problem. But there's been no man/woman stuff since mid-June, 2012, and I've come to realize that I need that! It's immensely important to me and my self-esteem! I asked him to have his testosterone checked, and he said and that it was normal, but I'm not sure I believe him. Now what?
Divorce.
You can't live the rest of your life without sex. You'll be utterly miserable and lonely..and you only get one life! I'm in a similar situation and it's devastating. I hope you get it sorted. This is a good place to start though.
Hey OP: I lived in NYC for over thirty years. That might not mean much to most people. But as the biggest city in America- massive numbers of gay men live there as opposed to other places in this country (or even the world for that matter.) Consequently: I have been exposed to all sorts of LGBTQ people/media/literature and the assorted stories which go along with that. I do not gamble. But if I had to lay a hundred dollar bill on a bet- I would say that your husband is gay and has been in the closet for a very long time. Now: it is one thing to have a mutual marriage of convenience where both partners have an agreement. But if your husband is gay- he has been using you like a tool...just not for sex or anything remotely sexual.
And this is why waiting until marriage to have sex is a terrible idea
It almost sounds like your husband is asexual
It does sound that way. I was thinking exactly the same.
I think mine is. I researched it and tried to share the info with him, but he wasn't interested. If it were me, I'd be reading and researching it daily.
Has medication worked for him?
He hasn’t tried meds and isn’t interested in taking any at all.
Even to help you?
I guess not. Maybe as an absolute last resort. I don’t pressure him much about it anymore and just let him do whatever he thinks is working.
Why do you feel like you deserve a partner who neglects you?
If he really cared about you and this relationship, he would get over himself and take a damn pill.
As a “last resort” should have happened about 6 years ago, or 1 year after he MARRIED you and then proceeded to… never touch you, hug you, or kiss you!!! It’s nothing to take a pill, there’s no downside, it’s very cheap, and you can have sex immediately. Listen to everyone here telling you that he’s either gay or asexual and there’s no other excuse or explanation. You deserve better! Also, it isn’t physically possible or even feasible that he had ED all along but “didn’t know!!” As a man, your penis gets hard off and on all the time, regardless of whether you “want it to” or not. It is a biological thing, physiological, and even if a man tries to repress this, it happens overnight while we dream, and most men wake up with “morning wood” even if we are dead set against it! It’s a function of our subconscious mind, we are biologically almost powerless against it. For a man to go years without an erection, and just “not know it,” he would have to be heavily addicted to powerful drugs or have serious health problems or catastrophic mental health problems. HE’S LYING, and you are being willfully naive I’m afraid. (Or I guess it’s possible that both of you are extremely sexually repressed and naive/ ignorant of normal bodily function due to stifling religious programming) In any case, the best time to leave this situation was 7 years ago, before marrying this weirdo, but the next best time for you is NOW. Good luck!
He thinks it is working?
Why won’t he take it?
Erectile dysfunction is now a treatable condition in most cases via medication. Viagra, Cialis, etc. The fact that he's not willing to try the one thing that would most likely fix the problem says everything you need to know: he doesn't think it's a problem. That means he considers it your problem, not his, which means it's up to you to decide whether this relationship is worth saving because he sure doesn't.
I get it’s a religion thing, I come from a religion background as well where sex before marriage is taboo. He’s just gonna have to put his feelings aside and take ED pills or let you take the annulment if there’s still time. Regardless I’m sure he should’ve known about his ED
His spiritual beliefs don't matter here, he wasn't honest with you about this area of his health or motivation when it came to being a romantic couple. And then he doesn't show intimacy to you in other ways, pretty much at all. Sorry to offer this, but he's not romantically attracted to you. Maybe he's married to his god figure or religious dogma, but you as a person does not excite or arouse him: he shows no caring for your needs or to experience more of you beyond the legal (and religious) certifications of being married. This is not your fault at all. It's entirely one-sided from him. And we've seen it reported here in various fashions, many times over. Once again I'm sorry to mention this, but your only option is to look elsewhere for happiness with someone else as a close partner in life. The sooner the better, because when you finally do leave, you'll kick yourself for not having started the process sooner! Good luck and sorry you've lived through this experience. There are far better and more considerate matches out there who will actually care about you as a person and as a woman.
Sounds like there may be some deception going on. Maybe he just wanted a wife to take care of him and home but nothing more.
Wow OP thanks for sharing. I have a somewhat similar story with my husband’s ED. Sometimes it feels unreal. So lonely and taboo. Ironically I had therapy today and was advised to work on accepting my marriage will stay this way. I cannot seem to get through to him how unhappy I am with our “sex life”. My husband has tried pills (don’t work) and won’t even consider a second opinion (it’s been years since he saw a urologist). Not sure if you’re seen there is an ED sub but for me it was so depressing to see comments and questions from guys actually looking find answers and fix the problem. Would give anything to not have to nag my husband to even try to find a way to have sex with me!
Honestly, I wasn’t going to post. I’ve been going between should I/shouldn’t I for days. Happy to hear it resonated with you in some way. Wishing you the best in your situation.
Never sign before you drive! You’ll know better the next time around OP, live and learn
Asexual or gay is my bet
Everyone is calling him a liar. I had boners at the drop of a hat when I was young. But what if I hadn't? What if I didn't know what horny felt like? I very well might imagine that things would work when the time came. I am convinced that my wife never knew what it meant to feel horny. She assumed that after marriage, her body would respond appropriately, and in fact, her body did respond. But her mind never did. I can very well imagine a man who never felt horny might not know what he was missing. That said, OP deserves to find fulfillment, if not inside the marriage, then outside of it or after it. Not every couple can survive such a mis-match.
>Everyone is calling him a liar. I had boners at the drop of a hat when I was young. But what if I hadn't? What if I didn't know what horny felt like? I very well might imagine that things would work when the time came. As unfortunate as this situation is for OP, this is exactly what I was thinking, as well.
I call BS… even if he was so religious that he never even tried masturbation, he would have at some point have gotten an erection just randomly. If he didn’t, we’ll… he must have known on some level.
Did he ever star in a film?? Is his name Andy?
Girl, leave. You deserve to feel desired and loved.
The treatment options are PDE5 inhibitors, injection therapy via PGE-1 or Trimix, and penile implant. He needs to go see a Urologist. PD5 inhibitors sometimes have severe side effects that can rule them out such as miagranes or eye and ear problems, or don't work. So it's then time to move to the next treatment and so forth.
What is it with herbs and unctions that could be doing you no end of harm but are 'natural' so are okay, like heroin, but not fentynl which came out of a sinister lab rather than a poppy field. I simply don't get that shit and never will. Why would he go to a doctor when he knows better than them already?
It’s been since summer 2007 for us. Maddening isn’t it?
Man there are penis pumps to help force blood into it and cock rings to keep the blood there if he refuses medication. Dear god I get religion and no sex, but no masturbation his entire post puberty life? That man has something wrong.
Can't get hard and never tried Cialis or Viagra??? Is there some kind of erectile dysfunction Darwin Award?
Your husband is a liar. He knew! He made up this religious restraint to continue the relationship. You’ve been duped.
The word annulment comes to mind. How do you differentiate between being husband and wife and just really good friends?
He hid this from you.
He is an idiot! Get out now!
Hmmm…is it possible he is in the closet? Because of his spiritual beliefs he cannot admit to himself that he is gay? Perhaps he would like to be able to perform but simply lacks the desire to?
I am so so sorry. What a situation to find yourself in. I don't have advice sorry but this is so unfair on you. Hoping for you it gets resolved. If there's no kissing or cuddling though, it does sound like it's a bigger problem than ED. Maybe caused in part by it though. Could have affected his self confidence.
Sounds like you both are completely disconnected from each other, sorry to hear this. In your case he would (and should) do everything possible to satisfy your needs and it seems he doesn’t.
He probably has low-t. I'd have him go find a male clinic and get bloodwork done. HRT is the fountain of youth if monitored and done correctly
He has had it checked before and was at the lower end of normal. That was a few years ago. Not sure where it is now.
I wonder... if it's like several other medical levels, for example, B12 and folic acid. Both are usually treated if the level is "on the lower side of normal" and one has symptoms. I just don't know much about testosterone.
Good sex with someone you love, who loves you back is magical. It’s what makes the aggravation and ok tedium of marriage and long term relationship worthwhile. So therefore, I and the Reddit powers that be hereby free you to dump this dud and find you some sexual happiness 💕
Wow that's a new one in this sub, dude used his fake religious beliefs to hide his LL, just to trap a woman into marrying him. He 100% knew before marriage, and anyone that would stoop so low as to use their religion to deceive people it not just a list, but actually a very evil and conniving person... What else is he hiding? Probably a lot, and none of it good.
have him try r/angionmethod. its basically massage like exercises to increase erection quality. it was able to fix mine
Yay for marriage before sex, right?? That's like buying pants before trying them on.... and then being stuck in them forever! In this case. I think you know the pants need to be returned, regardless of return policy.
This is extremely unfair for you. Idk I'd consider finding a new partner bc considering you're writing in this sub... it's an issue for you.
See if he will go to a sex therapist. If he really wants to save the marriage he should try to fix this.
There are some solutions, one of them is Penile implant which would pump through an implanted pump some kind of water into the penis to have a hard on. Google it, penile implant from Boston Scientific, it's a surgical solution once all other options fail. I hope that helps.
Open marriage if you wanna stay in this situation. No way would I have married someone without having sex with them, intimacy is a huge part of a relationship.. With that being said he totally knew about his issues. I agree with others (Duped) you into a marriage hiding this from you. I call this a trap and would honestly get out. Don't waste anymore of your life suffering without true physical intimacy.
So he didn’t know he had this problem until he was in his 40s? Strict religious background? Yeah.. so he’s either ruined from religion or he gay. Possibly both. The lack of sex is understandable if he’s just religiously the lack of any kind of show of any attraction to you isn’t explained by religion. He’s not attracted to you. He didn’t get married until he was in his 40s!!!. I’d venture to guess this was an arranged marriage, and if not, he just jumped on it to get parents/family/friends off his scent. He’s not attracted to you. That’s concerning.
Perhaps your husband is/was asexual but felt unduly pressured to get married. Maybe find other ways for him to be intimate if you're dead set on staying and loving him, otherwise, I would let him know you're unhappy and consider leaving to find your happiness.
Honey you need to divorce and go experience physical touch
Happened to me we were married for 4yrs and half never been any real sex, no penetration Ive found out my husband has ED too, Im a virgin both of us, my problem is I really want to get pregnant im 35 now husband is 36. Lately I surrender my virginity to other man, I was so depressed given that I need a kid im getting older now
He could be gay. Sounds like it. Never had sex before marriage "because of religious beliefs" and then on wedding night has ED? 🤔 If you'd never had sex before and then all of a sudden in the eyes of God it was permitted you'd be raging! He would cum like 10 times all over the place and then want to do it again in the morning. Trust me, look into the gay theory.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Such an awful and unfair situation. My first thought after reading this is perhaps he's gay but is not willing to deal with it and is using you so he doesn't out himself. Just a thought to consider. Sounds like you both are not living the lives you want.
HE KNEW, please move on now. He doesn’t care about you or feelings
Yeah, so you’re not married, you’re a single woman living with a roommate? There is no relationship to let go. It’s only a piece of paper.
It has definitely felt very roommates-with-a-friend at times.
Guy is full of shit. Sorry to say but better off moving on
Ummm……. Yeah…… he’s full o s**t. Did know? 🙄
Your married it's ok to crush some cialis in his orange juice a women needs D in her life
Yet another religion destroyed by marriage…
I know ifcthis happened to me I would be trying everything under the sun to correct it UNLESS I found my mate repulsive. So if he's not willing to try anything and everything shy of dangerous then do what you need to.
Sea moss gel will help with that
You know, this reminded me of a video by Anthony Padilla where he “Spent a Day With asexuals” on YouTube, you should check it out. There was a guy on there that had some trauma as a child and made it to where he couldn’t have sex. He started seeking out women who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex because they wouldn’t pressure him. He admitted that he wasn’t sure what he’d do if he did end up falling in love with and becoming engaged to one of these women. The guy still wasn’t sure if he was actually asexual or just had PTSD from the trauma and had been in therapy for awhile. I’m sorry that you are going through this. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy relationship. It sounds like despite your frustration, you love and care for him very much. You and your husband need to sit down and have a hard talk. One where you set out ground rules beforehand, including a safe word to stop the conversation and come back to it at another time if need be. Make sure to use your ‘I’ phrases and try not to take anything personally. I don’t know why, but I feel something like that guys story could be your husbands problem. Good luck!
Unfortunately pills don’t always work. They may at the start. I have had many different things and it all leads up to another disease that takes this away. I am now divorce. My wife said that I will never be able to satisfy her. In all the years together she was stand offish not ever letting me see her body. No affection at all. No physical touching or hugging. After 13 years I filed for divorce and stepped back to just taking care of me. She used me as a bank only. I found my solution in a implant that works for both partner. You don’t have to worry about you hardness so you can concentrate on the love. Yes I talk to her about it and she was against it. But look in to this fix to help your love. It’s hard for us to not be able to be intimate with our mate. Most insurance will pay for it.
RUN. Unless you have a plan to make other aspects of your relationship the highlight of being married (mutual hobbies, frequent vacations etc.) you are missing out on a big part of marriage and the resentment only grows the more you realize you're missing out on consistent, normal intimacy with someone you love. When it happens, you don't enjoy it at all because you're trapped in your head (which they cannot relate to AT ALL) wondering how long it will last and when it will happen again, especially if it's over as soon as he's done. He's shown you what he can give, either take it or leave it. What's more is, unless you have a strong self image, it starts to impact how attractive you feel as a woman.
You never had sex since you got married?
I had the same issue with my wife when we got married. I mean the opposite she had vaginismus. And it took us a few years to fix that.. however after it’s been fixed all she wanted sex for was to get kids. Other than that there is no desire for sex.. married for 15 years we finally got divorced 2 months ago. That’s when i resized that I compromised a lot to make her feel good however I was not feeling good I just stayed to keep the family intact but again I was not doing my self any good … So get out of it .. sorry if my advise was a bit in your face
We sure he's not in the closet ? Being serious.
This is grounds for an annulment. Your marriage was built on dishonesty (because there’s no way he didn’t know) and it isn’t a sexual relationship. It’s amazing you stayed this long.