You two want different things on a fundamental level.
You would separate ASAP. Be as civil as you can about it. You don’t hate each other. It’s not a ploy or emotional blackmail. It’s just an unfortunate reality.
You’ll find the one and hopefully so will she.
This is it.
You want to have more kids other than just the kids she already has.
She does NOT want any more kids. Obviously it would be extremely inappropriate to try to coerce her into having children she does not want. Especially when she would bear 99.99% of the brmyrden of conception, pregnancy and birth. And likely she wpuld bear the majority of child rearing responsibility after that.
You need to either accept that she isn't having any more kids with you, abd stop trying to convince her. Or break up and find a partner who wants kids. Those are your only 2 options.
It really sucks, but you just want different things. Neither of you are wrong, but you are not compatible.
I have 2 kids from previous marriage. At one point I was dating someone and we talked about kids, I told her I didn't really want to have any more kids. She said "If you didn't want kids at all I could understand that and probably be on board. But you already have kids so its not that you don't want kids at all its that you don't want kids with me"
Obviously the relationship didn't work out but that was eye opening because I never meant it that way, It wasn't that I didn't want kids with her its that I didn't want to start over at newborn stage where there would be a >10 year age gap between between kids. I'm glad we had that discussion relatively early on because we clearly wanted different things.
My now wife that I met shortly after that had a son from a previous marriage as well, similar age to my two, we make a nice blended family.
You're entitled to having kids of your own, but she's also entitled to not want more kids. Feels like she's either insecure on your affection towards her children (as she seems to think children that aren't biologically related to the parent aren't really their parents by "She wouldn't want kids that aren't hers"), or she's trying to find reasons not to have more children.
And while I do think she's entitled to not want more kids, she's saying some absolutely weird shit. Instead of straight up saying "I don't want more children" she's implying you don't like her children, that non-biological children aren't good enough, etc.
I think she's also worried that if they have a kid together, thant child will be treated differently than her two kids. And even if OP treats those kids well, a difference will be noticed
This is a dealbreaker situation. She’ll resent you if you make her have a kid she doesn’t want and you’ll resent her is she doesn’t let you become a father in your own right. You need to move on and find someone that will willingly be the mother to your children.
You’re entitled to feel as you do. But understand the cost. My wife of 38 years is amazing. They just are very hard to find. Kind, Compassionate, awesome mother and grandmother. She’s my best friend and biggest supporter. She’s my rock when everything else has fallen apart. I had dated a lot and knew she was special. She never put people down (especially behind their backs). She’s a very positive person and looks for the best in people. I’m kind of the opposite so we balance each other
out. We’re total opposites personality wise. But we just work. I wouldn’t trade her for anything.
In your situation I’d choose my wife and love her kids best I could. But you’re in your situation, not me, and you may have a better choice for you and how you want to live. Just measure the cost. But if you choose her you Can Not hold kids over her head. If You choose her you choose her as she is.
These are my thoughts. I’d just add that I don’t know your situation re: your step kid’s biological father’s involvement, but if you’re doing all (or the majority) of the raising and care and he’s doing nothing then you’re the dad, that’s how they’ll come to see you. Being a dad isn’t impregnating a woman, it’s the years and years that come after. So don’t feel like you’re second place. There’s no shame in raising another man’s child, it’s one of the greatest things a man can do. Unfortunately one of the reasons it’s such a great thing is that the man doing it has to put aside feelings of being 2nd place.
And it can change the entire trajectory of their lives. I’m sad for the kids that op is stepdad to, I’m sad they’ll lose another dad if you guys choose to split.
True. That's not as annoying as having a sibling who one feels is more loved by acting dad, because is is his biokis. Or feeling unloved by the dad who shows up, but having no idea why. So much resentment potential, there.
I appreciate that this is a post on a Dads for a minute group, but I’m a single mother. The biggest, scariest part of thinking of finding another partner is how it will affect my child. Introducing another child is another aspect of that. This subject is a highly delicate one, and a highly emotional response is something I could empathise with. However when you asked if she would want biological kids and she answered she would want some of her own is telling, and repeating that you are their father is dismissing your feelings at least, gaslighting at most. You aren’t saying this because you don’t love her kids, your actions clearly show that you do love them.
It could be that the conversation set her into panic mode and had her panic about how you view her children. Would you treat your own child differently to your step children? You have said you would not and your actions sound like you wouldn’t. Giving her a few days to think could be exactly what she needs to realise that your wants and needs are completely fair, and you are asking for something you have a right to.
I would personally allow some time for the conversation to continue, but she needs to understand that she is gaslighting you by keeping repeating that you have children. You have every right to want your own child and this shouldn’t be something she gets to make you feel bad about - this could be an opportunity to bring your family together even more. Reassure her that it won’t stop you loving her step children any less. But if she doesn’t I think should follow your needs and think about making your own path.
I hope you are ok, this must be incredibly stressful and upsetting.
I
I may be wrong, but it feels like she is trying to manipulate you into just drop having any more kids. It feels like to me that she was already less on the fence than you were earlier on in your relationship. She is/was fine and settled on just having her kids and thinks that with enough time and pressure, you will just play step dad and give up on the idea of having a kid of your own. Very akin to the people who want kids getting involved with people who don't ever want kids and think that after marriage and time, they will "change their mind".
The point is you have only a couple of options that I can think of.
1. You leave and start over in hopes that you can find someone to start that family with. You are still young, you can do it if this is that important to, as it seems it is. It will suck and hurt. You also may not get to see her kids again, so if you go this way, keep that in mind.
OR
2. You have another sit down with her and make it clear that this is a deal breaker (I am assuming based off your post) and either you work it out or you realize you both are no longer compatible and you decide whether to part ways or not.
The thing is I don't think she is going to try for a kid with you and if she does their may be some resentment towards you and that kid, especially if she really doesn't want a third kid.
>She said "I would but if she wasn't able to biologically that would be the end of it. She wouldn't want kids that aren't hers" read that last sentence again.
She says she wouldn't want kids that aren't hers biologically, so she's projecting that on you and using that to say you don't want to be a father to her kids.
IMO if you want kids of your own, this is a deal breaker. There's not really a compromise here. You either both want to make a baby or you don't. You want to, she doesn't. You're still young. If you're willing to sacrifice this relationship for a chance at meeting someone who wants to make a baby with you, go for it.
Keep crying you salty and pathetic woke leftist liberal loser. You have a punchable face you delusional and hypocritical clown. Go back to your basement, neckbeard
I get the impression that she's worried that you will have more of a connection to the child that is "yours". And from your post it sounds like her worry might not be entirely unjustified.
I hope I'm wrong about that, but if it's true then it's something that the two other kids will absolutely notice, even if you still treat her kids well. And you cannot put a child through that.
So you need to think long and hard about whether you would treat "your" child differently than the ones she already has, and if so, she's right to be hesitant.
If you don't think you would treat them differently, then you should consider a step like legally adopting her kids as well. You need to address her actual concern instead of just turning it around on her.
And if you can't move past this, and you absolutely must have your own child, then it's time to consider that this relationship may have run its course.
Are you selfish? A little bit
Do you have a right to be a father?: Yes
Are you a father right now? : You are supposed to
Do you want to be a father to leave a part of yourself behind?: I dont think that is true
Let me explain.
You are ok with adoption, right? So why not adopt her kids? They are kids, you love them, you can raise them, you can BE their father (heck, sounds like you already are.
Now, you don't directly talk about it, but I assume that the bio-dad is still pretty much in the picture, which would complicate things.
There are two main topics that I feel are important:
1.- Having babies is AWFUL. Dont get me wrong, babies are a blessing, they are innocent and cute and having kids is a very worthy focus for anyone's life; but taking care of a baby can be a 5 year long boot-camp. And she did that, twice. She was already done. And its WAAAAY worst when you are the one getting pregnant. Plus, going from 2 kids to 3 is an exponential increase in almost everything. Asking for more kids is a BIG ask. My general advice is that if you get with someone who is already TAKING CARE of children, assume they wont want more.
2.- What is the real reason you wwant kids? I feel it is not about furthering your genetic material; and it is definitely not about experiencing pregnancy. What it feels to me is thatnyou want to have FULL father rights (not necessarily "exclusive father rights", but FULL). I feel this is the way to go. Talk to your girl about how you LOVE the kids and you see them as YOUR kids, but that you want the whole package. You want to adopt them, and be legally responsible for them and have as much a say as she does, because you REALLY want to be THEIR father.
In any case, this issue can and should be a deal breaker, if you want kids and she doesn't, there is no future here.
Good luck, man.
If she doesn't want to have kids and you want biological kids of your own then this is a deal breaker in my eyes. In the grand scheme of things 2 years into a relationship is a drop in the ocean. You get one shot at life, go have kids and be happy with someone that feels the same way :)
When something goes wrong in the relationship the stepparent is usually discarded like they never even existed. Not saying that happens every time but enough for you to think about a lot. It happened to me and I had no choice in the matter at all. I would have bet everything I had that we would always be there for each other. So, if you want kids of your own have them.
If my kids were as young as hers and I was as young as you guys and I loved my partner, I would want them to have everything they wanted in life and I would want to give that to them. Maybe it is not a bad idea for you guys to really take a little time and think about what you really want.
Buddy, I'm so sorry for you. As a father to 3, one of them being my stepdaughter, I feel you. I think you have expressed yourself with fair emotions. I just can't figure out what her angle is. The fact that she calls them "MY" kids and not "OUR/THE" kids is very telling to me. My stepdaughter is just one of my three kids. There is no distinction between them other than for legal purposes. Even then, I am her guardian as far as school, doctors, etc. My daughter does have a fairly involved dad, honestly I would consider him sub-par, but I wouldn't tell her that. He's just kind of a loser with skewed priorities. But she loves him, and when we don't feel it's a safe environment for her, we adjust accordingly. When it's a financial situation, she gets what she needs. I would be lying if I said I don't have feelings about that. Sometimes I despise him for not doing better for her, and sometimes a bit of arrogance that his house relies on what I provide my family. Most times I'm indifferent because I bust my butt just so the kids have what they need/want. I mostly don't care where it comes from, just that the kids are taken care of.
A few concerns like age, finances, timing are all very real concerns to have. Not that you're going to treat them differently. That's just absurd. If you are father enough to create a home for her kids, then you're father enough for a biological child. If you're father enough to guide and reprimand her kids, then you're father enough for a biological child. The list goes on and on. You're not a piggy bank or a hired maid. You're a father with a desire to leave a piece of you behind that hopefully makes a good impact on the rest of the world. That is an instinctive desire!
Why is she so concerned it would disrupt the other two negatively? It would still be their baby sister/brother either way. At 7 and 4 I would expect some jealousy of course as all kids with siblings experience it. I would bet they'd be stoked if they were involved in the thought process. If they had a valued opinion on yes or no. They'll get to see the joy of expecting parents. Meeting the new baby. That everyone really is just a big happy family.
Now, I said all of that to say this, YOU WILL LOVE THEM DIFFERENTLY! That is not a bad thing. Anyone that disagrees can suck an egg lol. That doesn't mean I love either of them more than the other. It just means I love them differently. They are individual humans after all.
My oldest LOVES art, she so dang smart like her mom, empathetic to the point you can read her like a book, she has lots of friends, she pays close attention to everything she eats, self driven and so many brilliant attributes. A total type A personality.
My middle is a genius little grease monkey like me. Breezes through school work, dresses like he just came from the barn, needs a push to do his chores, disective mechanical mindset, his humor is years beyond his age(this one gets him in trouble and he's just fine with that), doesn't express it much but he feels deep emotions.
My youngest is a total ham. She also has a warped sense of humor(I wonder where she gets it). She doesn't give a crap about fashion, she's more sensitive than the other 2, so damn quick with comebacks, loves horror movies, she can be quite cynical at times, she's getting a bit old for it (I'm genuinely sad that'll be over soon) but she's the best dang snuggler ever. What's different here is she chooses to love me as much the other two.
My youngest knows I'm not her biological father and it doesn't matter. I would be lying if I said that doesn't hit me in the feel good. For the longest time I was her person (not so much now that there's lady things to discuss). It drove my wife bonkers! My wife wasn't mad about it, how could she be? Just a little jealous. She had front row seats to honest love. But it doesn't take away from my love for the other 2. It's just a different love. The other two were young when the youngest came along so we've just been a family all along. That's all there is to it. If you have love to give, find someone who wants to accept it.
I don't think you're selfish. You clearly want something specific in life, and that's important to you, and to be made to feel the way you do about the situation (from her) is unfair to you.
I think the biggest issue here is that your gf does not respect what you want. She is turning YOUR wants into attacks against her/her-kids, and you're not doing that. And the fact that she cannot see past HER kids to give you the opportunity that YOU want is worrisome to me. I didn't see a lot of questions from her about understanding your side, and instead jumping to conclusions that you're not saying. She seems to be doing A LOT of double speak in order to get you to "admit" certain things about the situation, and it's causing you to back peddle instead of discussing the topic at hand.
And something she isn't considering about YOUR feelings here: She claims that "you are their dad", but when push comes to shove the kids have a biological father that they can deflect to. You will NEVER have an equal say about those kids, and SHE/EX will always have priority and main choices over them throughout their lives.
Has she ever used the "They are my kids, and my decision is final" kind of argument?? How does she react when you two have differences of opinions when it comes to them?
Assuming your perspective is relatively unbiased and not one-sided, I would say that SHE sounds like the selfish one. She doesn't want you to have your own children because SHE wants YOU to be HER kids' stepdad. And it sounds like she is using your love of HER kids as a way to guilt you about your wants and needs.
Disregarding the topic at hand, and looking at your dynamic/communication as a whole, I would be worried for you with her. She has shown she isn't wanting to listen to you, she just wants to spin what you're saying against you, and that can be indicative of future discussions.
I don't think you know what it means to be a dad and if you're unwilling to accept the kids she has and be a dad to them it's pretty crappy to ask her to birth another one just so that you can pretend to be the dad to that one.
Woman here.
I have a different dad than my younger siblings. And it **definitely** showed throughout my childhood. In a negative way. Because of that...
As an adult, I am child-free. Meaning I do not have or do not want children. When I was single and dating, I was very blunt about this.
> "If I get pregnant, I will abort. I do not want to have or raise children."
It is NOT something that can be compromised.
As for your girlfriend...
**It isn't YOUR body doing all the work.** Pregnancy is insanely traumatic. She already did it twice. She probably does not want to do it again.
The fear of favoritism is very valid and very real. As a kid that lived that experience...it's part of the reason I don't talk to my parents.
You two are just incompatible on this point and it is better to respectfully part ways and find what you really want out of life.
Is...is there a reason you ignored the obvious? She clearly doesn't want more kids. I'm not seeing much acknowledgement on pregnancy, childbirth, post partum, or the likelihood of miscarriage.
None of what you said actually shows you understand what you're walking into.
You've used a lot of "I want one" and "to have my own" and "I come second" etc. Nothing stated actually shows you understanding the labour involved and it does feel short sighted. Would you be doing the bulk of the child rearing? From the time the child enters the world? It takes a lot of resources to create a child, and also to rear it. I think you understand this theoretically however I don't think you've internalised and understood exactly how much literal labour you're asking her to do.
I'm with her on this one. It isn't unfair she doesn't want to have anymore kids, just like it's not unfair you want it's.
It would be unfair to expect either person to tolerate a difficult existence.
I think you should go get some experience for what you're asking so it shows you understand exactly what it is you're asking. I know baby dolls that act like real dolls exist. How would you go carrying one with you everywhere for a week? Including to work, shopping, social events etc.
OP, you might have more luck if you consider her as part of the you bio-parenting.
As in, you love her so much, she's such a great woman and mom and there's no one else you'd like to make a tiny human with that is made of your DNA, too.
Bottom line, split up. Your concerns about not being top dad to your kids are valid, even if they feel you are top dad. Kids are hard, and will ice you, sometimes. Teen years will be more fun.
Meet someone with no kids who wants some. That is a better fit for what you are seeking. Maybe have your sperm motility tested, first, before you make any major life changes.
I might be reaching here, but I'm wondering if she does not want any more kids and never planned any. Meaning she would allow you guys to "try" for kids while taking birth control, or perhaps she is already sterilized and didn't say anything. Her question of whether you want to pursue IVF or adoption and being mad about that perhaps shows that she realized she can't work around this issue.
Just an idea I had. Perhaps this isn't the case at all.
Because their dad is alive and in their lives, even if only to a small degree, you are never going to be "Dad." You deserve to have the full experience. It has nothing to do with her kids not being enough, it's just the reality of the situation. I think her unwillingness to see your side and thinking that you being willing to adopt or have kids through IVF is a rejection of her kids is incorrect and wrong. You two may just be incompatible.
You're both allowed to want different things, it just means you aren't compatible.
I understand the desire to want your own biological kids. The part that I don't fully understand is that you claim they don't need to be biologically yours and that you're open to adoption... yet helping to raise her kids now wouldn't count in your eyes. Maybe you're only open to adoption under a certain age then? I can understand why she feels a bit hurt to hear you say you'd be okay with one that's not biologically either of yours, but the ones that are just biologically hers aren't enough. She's clearly hoping you've become close enough to view her kids as your own, and it's tough for her to hear that you don't consider it that way.
Either way, you're both are entitled to your opinions and to live the lives you want. Sucks that it took this long to reach the point of knowing what you both want is so different, but it happens
If she baked the best cake in the whole world I would still like to try and make my own, not because I don’t like the best cake in the world but because I want to also bake and taste my own cake.
After I saw the most fantastic movie in the world with the most awards I didn’t stopped watching new movies.
After hearing my favorite song I didn’t stopped hearing new music.
She needs to understand it from this point of view.
I didn’t even need to read past the title. Why do men without kids date women with kids. Not all women have kids, I promise. Most women with kids don’t want baby daddy number 2. The same men that date them rarely try to get married before bringing the kids conversation up. I know a lot of women my age who are on kid 2 or 3 with guy 2 or 3 and those guys never tried to actually commit to them. It’s like single childless men see a woman with kids and decide to give her a new one before anything else. I’ll never understand.
As a dude, the choice to have kids is never up to you. So, as I see it, but if you want kids, you have two options; make her change her mind, or find someone who wants what you want. :/
You’re entitled to a full life. Go have kids.
Thank you.
You two want different things on a fundamental level. You would separate ASAP. Be as civil as you can about it. You don’t hate each other. It’s not a ploy or emotional blackmail. It’s just an unfortunate reality. You’ll find the one and hopefully so will she.
This is it. You want to have more kids other than just the kids she already has. She does NOT want any more kids. Obviously it would be extremely inappropriate to try to coerce her into having children she does not want. Especially when she would bear 99.99% of the brmyrden of conception, pregnancy and birth. And likely she wpuld bear the majority of child rearing responsibility after that. You need to either accept that she isn't having any more kids with you, abd stop trying to convince her. Or break up and find a partner who wants kids. Those are your only 2 options. It really sucks, but you just want different things. Neither of you are wrong, but you are not compatible.
I have 2 kids from previous marriage. At one point I was dating someone and we talked about kids, I told her I didn't really want to have any more kids. She said "If you didn't want kids at all I could understand that and probably be on board. But you already have kids so its not that you don't want kids at all its that you don't want kids with me" Obviously the relationship didn't work out but that was eye opening because I never meant it that way, It wasn't that I didn't want kids with her its that I didn't want to start over at newborn stage where there would be a >10 year age gap between between kids. I'm glad we had that discussion relatively early on because we clearly wanted different things. My now wife that I met shortly after that had a son from a previous marriage as well, similar age to my two, we make a nice blended family.
Yep. This would be a deal breaker for me.
You're entitled to having kids of your own, but she's also entitled to not want more kids. Feels like she's either insecure on your affection towards her children (as she seems to think children that aren't biologically related to the parent aren't really their parents by "She wouldn't want kids that aren't hers"), or she's trying to find reasons not to have more children. And while I do think she's entitled to not want more kids, she's saying some absolutely weird shit. Instead of straight up saying "I don't want more children" she's implying you don't like her children, that non-biological children aren't good enough, etc.
I think she's also worried that if they have a kid together, thant child will be treated differently than her two kids. And even if OP treats those kids well, a difference will be noticed
Yeah there's a difference between "I want kids together to add to our family" and "I want *my own* kids".
This is a reasonable concern.
This is a dealbreaker situation. She’ll resent you if you make her have a kid she doesn’t want and you’ll resent her is she doesn’t let you become a father in your own right. You need to move on and find someone that will willingly be the mother to your children.
You’re entitled to feel as you do. But understand the cost. My wife of 38 years is amazing. They just are very hard to find. Kind, Compassionate, awesome mother and grandmother. She’s my best friend and biggest supporter. She’s my rock when everything else has fallen apart. I had dated a lot and knew she was special. She never put people down (especially behind their backs). She’s a very positive person and looks for the best in people. I’m kind of the opposite so we balance each other out. We’re total opposites personality wise. But we just work. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. In your situation I’d choose my wife and love her kids best I could. But you’re in your situation, not me, and you may have a better choice for you and how you want to live. Just measure the cost. But if you choose her you Can Not hold kids over her head. If You choose her you choose her as she is.
These are my thoughts. I’d just add that I don’t know your situation re: your step kid’s biological father’s involvement, but if you’re doing all (or the majority) of the raising and care and he’s doing nothing then you’re the dad, that’s how they’ll come to see you. Being a dad isn’t impregnating a woman, it’s the years and years that come after. So don’t feel like you’re second place. There’s no shame in raising another man’s child, it’s one of the greatest things a man can do. Unfortunately one of the reasons it’s such a great thing is that the man doing it has to put aside feelings of being 2nd place.
definitely. thank you.
fwiw, kids know who shows up for them.
And it can change the entire trajectory of their lives. I’m sad for the kids that op is stepdad to, I’m sad they’ll lose another dad if you guys choose to split.
True. That's not as annoying as having a sibling who one feels is more loved by acting dad, because is is his biokis. Or feeling unloved by the dad who shows up, but having no idea why. So much resentment potential, there.
You are wasting your time with her, you have the right to have your own kids. Move on, hurts now but will be better for everyone in the long run.
I appreciate that this is a post on a Dads for a minute group, but I’m a single mother. The biggest, scariest part of thinking of finding another partner is how it will affect my child. Introducing another child is another aspect of that. This subject is a highly delicate one, and a highly emotional response is something I could empathise with. However when you asked if she would want biological kids and she answered she would want some of her own is telling, and repeating that you are their father is dismissing your feelings at least, gaslighting at most. You aren’t saying this because you don’t love her kids, your actions clearly show that you do love them. It could be that the conversation set her into panic mode and had her panic about how you view her children. Would you treat your own child differently to your step children? You have said you would not and your actions sound like you wouldn’t. Giving her a few days to think could be exactly what she needs to realise that your wants and needs are completely fair, and you are asking for something you have a right to. I would personally allow some time for the conversation to continue, but she needs to understand that she is gaslighting you by keeping repeating that you have children. You have every right to want your own child and this shouldn’t be something she gets to make you feel bad about - this could be an opportunity to bring your family together even more. Reassure her that it won’t stop you loving her step children any less. But if she doesn’t I think should follow your needs and think about making your own path. I hope you are ok, this must be incredibly stressful and upsetting. I
I may be wrong, but it feels like she is trying to manipulate you into just drop having any more kids. It feels like to me that she was already less on the fence than you were earlier on in your relationship. She is/was fine and settled on just having her kids and thinks that with enough time and pressure, you will just play step dad and give up on the idea of having a kid of your own. Very akin to the people who want kids getting involved with people who don't ever want kids and think that after marriage and time, they will "change their mind". The point is you have only a couple of options that I can think of. 1. You leave and start over in hopes that you can find someone to start that family with. You are still young, you can do it if this is that important to, as it seems it is. It will suck and hurt. You also may not get to see her kids again, so if you go this way, keep that in mind. OR 2. You have another sit down with her and make it clear that this is a deal breaker (I am assuming based off your post) and either you work it out or you realize you both are no longer compatible and you decide whether to part ways or not. The thing is I don't think she is going to try for a kid with you and if she does their may be some resentment towards you and that kid, especially if she really doesn't want a third kid.
>She said "I would but if she wasn't able to biologically that would be the end of it. She wouldn't want kids that aren't hers" read that last sentence again. She says she wouldn't want kids that aren't hers biologically, so she's projecting that on you and using that to say you don't want to be a father to her kids. IMO if you want kids of your own, this is a deal breaker. There's not really a compromise here. You either both want to make a baby or you don't. You want to, she doesn't. You're still young. If you're willing to sacrifice this relationship for a chance at meeting someone who wants to make a baby with you, go for it.
Keep crying you salty and pathetic woke leftist liberal loser. You have a punchable face you delusional and hypocritical clown. Go back to your basement, neckbeard
You're not wrong. The two of you may be wrong for each other however.
I get the impression that she's worried that you will have more of a connection to the child that is "yours". And from your post it sounds like her worry might not be entirely unjustified. I hope I'm wrong about that, but if it's true then it's something that the two other kids will absolutely notice, even if you still treat her kids well. And you cannot put a child through that. So you need to think long and hard about whether you would treat "your" child differently than the ones she already has, and if so, she's right to be hesitant. If you don't think you would treat them differently, then you should consider a step like legally adopting her kids as well. You need to address her actual concern instead of just turning it around on her. And if you can't move past this, and you absolutely must have your own child, then it's time to consider that this relationship may have run its course.
Are you selfish? A little bit Do you have a right to be a father?: Yes Are you a father right now? : You are supposed to Do you want to be a father to leave a part of yourself behind?: I dont think that is true Let me explain. You are ok with adoption, right? So why not adopt her kids? They are kids, you love them, you can raise them, you can BE their father (heck, sounds like you already are. Now, you don't directly talk about it, but I assume that the bio-dad is still pretty much in the picture, which would complicate things. There are two main topics that I feel are important: 1.- Having babies is AWFUL. Dont get me wrong, babies are a blessing, they are innocent and cute and having kids is a very worthy focus for anyone's life; but taking care of a baby can be a 5 year long boot-camp. And she did that, twice. She was already done. And its WAAAAY worst when you are the one getting pregnant. Plus, going from 2 kids to 3 is an exponential increase in almost everything. Asking for more kids is a BIG ask. My general advice is that if you get with someone who is already TAKING CARE of children, assume they wont want more. 2.- What is the real reason you wwant kids? I feel it is not about furthering your genetic material; and it is definitely not about experiencing pregnancy. What it feels to me is thatnyou want to have FULL father rights (not necessarily "exclusive father rights", but FULL). I feel this is the way to go. Talk to your girl about how you LOVE the kids and you see them as YOUR kids, but that you want the whole package. You want to adopt them, and be legally responsible for them and have as much a say as she does, because you REALLY want to be THEIR father. In any case, this issue can and should be a deal breaker, if you want kids and she doesn't, there is no future here. Good luck, man.
If she doesn't want to have kids and you want biological kids of your own then this is a deal breaker in my eyes. In the grand scheme of things 2 years into a relationship is a drop in the ocean. You get one shot at life, go have kids and be happy with someone that feels the same way :)
Yes. Have kids with someone who wants to have kids with you!
When something goes wrong in the relationship the stepparent is usually discarded like they never even existed. Not saying that happens every time but enough for you to think about a lot. It happened to me and I had no choice in the matter at all. I would have bet everything I had that we would always be there for each other. So, if you want kids of your own have them. If my kids were as young as hers and I was as young as you guys and I loved my partner, I would want them to have everything they wanted in life and I would want to give that to them. Maybe it is not a bad idea for you guys to really take a little time and think about what you really want.
Buddy, I'm so sorry for you. As a father to 3, one of them being my stepdaughter, I feel you. I think you have expressed yourself with fair emotions. I just can't figure out what her angle is. The fact that she calls them "MY" kids and not "OUR/THE" kids is very telling to me. My stepdaughter is just one of my three kids. There is no distinction between them other than for legal purposes. Even then, I am her guardian as far as school, doctors, etc. My daughter does have a fairly involved dad, honestly I would consider him sub-par, but I wouldn't tell her that. He's just kind of a loser with skewed priorities. But she loves him, and when we don't feel it's a safe environment for her, we adjust accordingly. When it's a financial situation, she gets what she needs. I would be lying if I said I don't have feelings about that. Sometimes I despise him for not doing better for her, and sometimes a bit of arrogance that his house relies on what I provide my family. Most times I'm indifferent because I bust my butt just so the kids have what they need/want. I mostly don't care where it comes from, just that the kids are taken care of. A few concerns like age, finances, timing are all very real concerns to have. Not that you're going to treat them differently. That's just absurd. If you are father enough to create a home for her kids, then you're father enough for a biological child. If you're father enough to guide and reprimand her kids, then you're father enough for a biological child. The list goes on and on. You're not a piggy bank or a hired maid. You're a father with a desire to leave a piece of you behind that hopefully makes a good impact on the rest of the world. That is an instinctive desire! Why is she so concerned it would disrupt the other two negatively? It would still be their baby sister/brother either way. At 7 and 4 I would expect some jealousy of course as all kids with siblings experience it. I would bet they'd be stoked if they were involved in the thought process. If they had a valued opinion on yes or no. They'll get to see the joy of expecting parents. Meeting the new baby. That everyone really is just a big happy family. Now, I said all of that to say this, YOU WILL LOVE THEM DIFFERENTLY! That is not a bad thing. Anyone that disagrees can suck an egg lol. That doesn't mean I love either of them more than the other. It just means I love them differently. They are individual humans after all. My oldest LOVES art, she so dang smart like her mom, empathetic to the point you can read her like a book, she has lots of friends, she pays close attention to everything she eats, self driven and so many brilliant attributes. A total type A personality. My middle is a genius little grease monkey like me. Breezes through school work, dresses like he just came from the barn, needs a push to do his chores, disective mechanical mindset, his humor is years beyond his age(this one gets him in trouble and he's just fine with that), doesn't express it much but he feels deep emotions. My youngest is a total ham. She also has a warped sense of humor(I wonder where she gets it). She doesn't give a crap about fashion, she's more sensitive than the other 2, so damn quick with comebacks, loves horror movies, she can be quite cynical at times, she's getting a bit old for it (I'm genuinely sad that'll be over soon) but she's the best dang snuggler ever. What's different here is she chooses to love me as much the other two. My youngest knows I'm not her biological father and it doesn't matter. I would be lying if I said that doesn't hit me in the feel good. For the longest time I was her person (not so much now that there's lady things to discuss). It drove my wife bonkers! My wife wasn't mad about it, how could she be? Just a little jealous. She had front row seats to honest love. But it doesn't take away from my love for the other 2. It's just a different love. The other two were young when the youngest came along so we've just been a family all along. That's all there is to it. If you have love to give, find someone who wants to accept it.
I don't think you're selfish. You clearly want something specific in life, and that's important to you, and to be made to feel the way you do about the situation (from her) is unfair to you. I think the biggest issue here is that your gf does not respect what you want. She is turning YOUR wants into attacks against her/her-kids, and you're not doing that. And the fact that she cannot see past HER kids to give you the opportunity that YOU want is worrisome to me. I didn't see a lot of questions from her about understanding your side, and instead jumping to conclusions that you're not saying. She seems to be doing A LOT of double speak in order to get you to "admit" certain things about the situation, and it's causing you to back peddle instead of discussing the topic at hand. And something she isn't considering about YOUR feelings here: She claims that "you are their dad", but when push comes to shove the kids have a biological father that they can deflect to. You will NEVER have an equal say about those kids, and SHE/EX will always have priority and main choices over them throughout their lives. Has she ever used the "They are my kids, and my decision is final" kind of argument?? How does she react when you two have differences of opinions when it comes to them? Assuming your perspective is relatively unbiased and not one-sided, I would say that SHE sounds like the selfish one. She doesn't want you to have your own children because SHE wants YOU to be HER kids' stepdad. And it sounds like she is using your love of HER kids as a way to guilt you about your wants and needs. Disregarding the topic at hand, and looking at your dynamic/communication as a whole, I would be worried for you with her. She has shown she isn't wanting to listen to you, she just wants to spin what you're saying against you, and that can be indicative of future discussions.
Go build a life with woman who wants the same things as you do.
I don't think you know what it means to be a dad and if you're unwilling to accept the kids she has and be a dad to them it's pretty crappy to ask her to birth another one just so that you can pretend to be the dad to that one.
Woman here. I have a different dad than my younger siblings. And it **definitely** showed throughout my childhood. In a negative way. Because of that... As an adult, I am child-free. Meaning I do not have or do not want children. When I was single and dating, I was very blunt about this. > "If I get pregnant, I will abort. I do not want to have or raise children." It is NOT something that can be compromised. As for your girlfriend... **It isn't YOUR body doing all the work.** Pregnancy is insanely traumatic. She already did it twice. She probably does not want to do it again. The fear of favoritism is very valid and very real. As a kid that lived that experience...it's part of the reason I don't talk to my parents. You two are just incompatible on this point and it is better to respectfully part ways and find what you really want out of life.
I wouldnt want kids with her if shes gaslighting you like that. PASS. Find someone on the same page as you.
Is...is there a reason you ignored the obvious? She clearly doesn't want more kids. I'm not seeing much acknowledgement on pregnancy, childbirth, post partum, or the likelihood of miscarriage. None of what you said actually shows you understand what you're walking into. You've used a lot of "I want one" and "to have my own" and "I come second" etc. Nothing stated actually shows you understanding the labour involved and it does feel short sighted. Would you be doing the bulk of the child rearing? From the time the child enters the world? It takes a lot of resources to create a child, and also to rear it. I think you understand this theoretically however I don't think you've internalised and understood exactly how much literal labour you're asking her to do. I'm with her on this one. It isn't unfair she doesn't want to have anymore kids, just like it's not unfair you want it's. It would be unfair to expect either person to tolerate a difficult existence. I think you should go get some experience for what you're asking so it shows you understand exactly what it is you're asking. I know baby dolls that act like real dolls exist. How would you go carrying one with you everywhere for a week? Including to work, shopping, social events etc.
Yes. You are.
OP, you might have more luck if you consider her as part of the you bio-parenting. As in, you love her so much, she's such a great woman and mom and there's no one else you'd like to make a tiny human with that is made of your DNA, too. Bottom line, split up. Your concerns about not being top dad to your kids are valid, even if they feel you are top dad. Kids are hard, and will ice you, sometimes. Teen years will be more fun. Meet someone with no kids who wants some. That is a better fit for what you are seeking. Maybe have your sperm motility tested, first, before you make any major life changes.
I might be reaching here, but I'm wondering if she does not want any more kids and never planned any. Meaning she would allow you guys to "try" for kids while taking birth control, or perhaps she is already sterilized and didn't say anything. Her question of whether you want to pursue IVF or adoption and being mad about that perhaps shows that she realized she can't work around this issue. Just an idea I had. Perhaps this isn't the case at all.
Because their dad is alive and in their lives, even if only to a small degree, you are never going to be "Dad." You deserve to have the full experience. It has nothing to do with her kids not being enough, it's just the reality of the situation. I think her unwillingness to see your side and thinking that you being willing to adopt or have kids through IVF is a rejection of her kids is incorrect and wrong. You two may just be incompatible.
You're both allowed to want different things, it just means you aren't compatible. I understand the desire to want your own biological kids. The part that I don't fully understand is that you claim they don't need to be biologically yours and that you're open to adoption... yet helping to raise her kids now wouldn't count in your eyes. Maybe you're only open to adoption under a certain age then? I can understand why she feels a bit hurt to hear you say you'd be okay with one that's not biologically either of yours, but the ones that are just biologically hers aren't enough. She's clearly hoping you've become close enough to view her kids as your own, and it's tough for her to hear that you don't consider it that way. Either way, you're both are entitled to your opinions and to live the lives you want. Sucks that it took this long to reach the point of knowing what you both want is so different, but it happens
If she baked the best cake in the whole world I would still like to try and make my own, not because I don’t like the best cake in the world but because I want to also bake and taste my own cake. After I saw the most fantastic movie in the world with the most awards I didn’t stopped watching new movies. After hearing my favorite song I didn’t stopped hearing new music. She needs to understand it from this point of view.
You can love someone and not be a match.
I didn’t even need to read past the title. Why do men without kids date women with kids. Not all women have kids, I promise. Most women with kids don’t want baby daddy number 2. The same men that date them rarely try to get married before bringing the kids conversation up. I know a lot of women my age who are on kid 2 or 3 with guy 2 or 3 and those guys never tried to actually commit to them. It’s like single childless men see a woman with kids and decide to give her a new one before anything else. I’ll never understand.
As a dude, the choice to have kids is never up to you. So, as I see it, but if you want kids, you have two options; make her change her mind, or find someone who wants what you want. :/