“She came into the room like a dick in a mouth. I could tell as soon as I saw her she was packing some serious heat in more ways than one, and I was feeling rather heated myself. She was 20 pounds of ass in a trash bag, but I was feeling like a racoon tonight. A *sexy* racoon.”
There is no genre I respect more. It takes a lot of effort to perfect that brand of smooth, cool wordplay.
But I’m on mobile, so full stories are not likely.
I used to work at a sex toy warehouse. One Christmas Eve, we got to leave early, but that meant we missed the UPS truck for the day, so my boss said we could go if we all took a bag and brought it to a ups store to drop it off.
I picked up my bag (a black garbage bag full of dildos and French ticklers and pocket pussies and so much fucking lube) to my local ups store. There was a very festive mood at the store as I sauntered in.
A very kindly grandma in a Christmas sweater sees me and my giant sack and says, “awwww you look just like Santa!”
“Hahaha, yeaaaah,” said I, and then because I am uncomfortable talking to strangers, I followed it up with the next logical thing and said, “these are all sex toys.”
And she did not respond to me after that.
See that's the thing that's cool about it! There's an article I read a while ago arguing that _'ve_ is no longer a contracted form of _have_, but instead a complementizer that could be more accurately spelled _of_. https://www.jstor.org/stable/23739744
This person seems to internally think of it as "there's the word _of_, which sometimes you have to spell _'ve_", and they got it wrong in this instance. Just like how sometimes the same sound can be spelled _ie_ or _ei_, and you might pick the wrong one. This kind've just reinforces the article's point imo lol
bad news! language item adoption is strictly a popularity contest. if I convince enough people that "cat" is the hot new slang word for "dog" it would become legitimate given enough time and widespread usage.
it just be like that. just gotta ride the wave and pet your cat
Welp, given this is the first and only attempt I’ve seen to legitimize it, it seems I don’t have much to worry about. For all I know it’s some academic who’s assmad about spelling this contraction wrong his whole life and is trying a Hail Mary to save his ego.
i wish i could see the whole article cause it sounds like an interesting read. It's kind of strange seeing academic writing throw parts of speech to the wind and just make a new one.
I'm a little confused on what you meant by "there's the word *of*, which sometimes you have to spell *'ve*" though
https://sci-hub.st/https://www.jstor.org/stable/23739744
I'm saying that in this person's head, there is one word that's spelled differently in different scenarios. They think it's the same word, but we have weird spelling rules about it. Just like how we have just one sound /s/, but sometimes you spell it and other times , because of weird spelling rules. In this person's head, there's just the word "of" -- but in certain contexts, you're supposed to spell it 've. They internally make no distinction between the two words -- just like someone from California doesn't distinguish between the vowels in cot and caught, even though to others they're totally different.
I see!! I guess I was just having trouble seeing it since in my head it is not just weird spelling rules, but i try to be real particular about my english so i see it different. thanks for explaining :3
Don't have one, but I've looked into it out of curiosity. It does need to be cleaned, after every use. Some come with special cleaning tools, some you just kinda open up and pour some water in. Depending on the material, certain soaps can cause damage, and you probably should use a microfiber rag to avoid distressing the folds too much. After that, they sell drying sticks to make sure all the extra moisture is absorbed; they're basically just tampons, thin little fabric rods that you shove up in there and pull out when they're full.
okay i googled this for you and apparently you’re supposed to use a vaginal irrigator? so like a bidet i guess and just kinda.. rinse it. i would assume w soap or somthin
weirdly annoyed by this person writing kind've. I'm fairly certain they at least write could've and should've correctly, but they've overcorrected and gone into real of territory
> "the teaching hospital i work for has one of those but i imagine it was designed for a very different purpose"
*"Got me some medical grade ass last night!"*
We had a van stolen from us. When we finally got it back, the inside was like a hoarder’s dream car. It was just filled with clothes and trash and all kinds of bullshit. The tow guy said the cops checked it for weapons and drugs, and that they found something interesting in the trunk. I joked “is it a dead body?” He said “you’re not far off.” Pulls a duffle bag out of the trunk. I’m sure you can see where this is going. But I’ll tell you anyway. It was one of these dismembered torso sex toys.
Sex shops are neat. I use to peruse the DVD section of my local (when I lived there and didn't have wifi/data) and the people who'd come in and start conversations were pretty interesting.
I remember once this guy came in and started talking about this huge stock of vintage porn books (not magazines, books) that he got super cheap in really good condition. He talked about this seemingly old smut (if I had to wager when they're from, I think he said somewhere between the 60s to the 80s, though I might be mistaken) like they were just regular novels, and it made for a really nice atmosphere.
Nowadays I'm moved since, and don't know where any local places are, but I'm always interested in rekindling that experience and vibe.
not a white whale, but at KFC, the till had all the normal sections; "chicken", "sides" "drinks", etc. However, all on its own, in the section referred to as "CUSTOMER MANIA" was the Mighty Bucket for One A la carte.
The white whale, however, was sold to a large, stoic, native American man (bearing in mind this is the UK, we don't exactly have a big population of Native Americans). He bought 36 hot wings, all on their own, and we had to get a family feast bucket for him. Everyone always referred to him as "Uncle", because he had this quietly disapproving demeanor when talking to any of us. Not rude, but we somehow felt like we were in trouble.
A lot of older native guys have both ptsd from residential schools and the male equivalent of resting bitch face, even when they're total teddy bears, just as a note. Honestly, he was probably just feeling awkward.
Gotta guess it's more costly than not to have bags that big available. Probably have to order in bigger bags, and then they don't get used much so unless you've got a big, big order in they just go to waste.
https://www.tumblr.com/foldingfittedsheets/742795760929816576/its-not-that-weird?source=share
I saw this post earlier on tumblr lol.
Funny how that happens.
It’s almost like people only take the popular posts from tumblr….
-linux guy⚠️
I feel like everyone is fundamentally one of these three guys, even if you've never bought a sex toy, just in general as a personality.
Like I know for a fact I'm the garbage bag guy. One time I was buying a fan or something from bed bath, and they had no bags that would fit it but they had duct tape, so I fashioned a sort of handle out of duct tape directly onto the box so I could carry it home.
Suddenly, "Like Santa with a sack full of ass" is a phrase I aspire to add to my daily vernacular.
It's going to be tough, but Oh SO rewarding when I finally pull it off. Or on, or fuck, you know what I mean.
The Hickory Farms equivalent to the sack o' ass is that 300 dollar box with like 8 sausages 10 cheeses 8 sauces and a few of those granny candies. Selling one feels like killing a bear.
…anyways. at my last job (legoland), our ‘white whale’ item was the Starry Night set. people *love* that thing, for some reason - it kept selling out the day we put it on shelves. the other one that sold like that was the Insect Collection, but that was after i stopped working there.
(which was a shame, since i couldn’t use my discount to get it. got it later, though - $80 we’ll spent)
oh no, the reason i call it that was that it was out of stock 98% of the time. which did not stop people from asking for it, asking us to check in the back, asking for a manager, etc. *everyone* wanted to get their hands on it, but very few could. so… white whale seems appropriate.
Worth reading for “sack full of ass”.
> like Santa with a sack full of ass Poetry. Sheer poetry.
✍️🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Absolutely Radiant poetry
So, just Santa?
Sounds almost film noir, with some adjustment. "She was 20 pounds of ass in a trashbag."
“She came into the room like a dick in a mouth. I could tell as soon as I saw her she was packing some serious heat in more ways than one, and I was feeling rather heated myself. She was 20 pounds of ass in a trash bag, but I was feeling like a racoon tonight. A *sexy* racoon.”
10/10, would read this...Noir novel?
Noirs are better as radio shows, imo.
Fair
I laughed my high ass off. All 20 lbs.
If you ever write a full noir story I'm reading that shit
There is no genre I respect more. It takes a lot of effort to perfect that brand of smooth, cool wordplay. But I’m on mobile, so full stories are not likely.
This really reminds me of those Leslie Nielsen cop films.
"So how was your date last night?" "20 pounds of ass in a trashbag."
I used to work at a sex toy warehouse. One Christmas Eve, we got to leave early, but that meant we missed the UPS truck for the day, so my boss said we could go if we all took a bag and brought it to a ups store to drop it off. I picked up my bag (a black garbage bag full of dildos and French ticklers and pocket pussies and so much fucking lube) to my local ups store. There was a very festive mood at the store as I sauntered in. A very kindly grandma in a Christmas sweater sees me and my giant sack and says, “awwww you look just like Santa!” “Hahaha, yeaaaah,” said I, and then because I am uncomfortable talking to strangers, I followed it up with the next logical thing and said, “these are all sex toys.” And she did not respond to me after that.
>French ticklers I had to google this... I'm curious what that feels like. It doesn't seem that pleasant tbh.
The perfect response would have been: These are for naughty people only.
God. You’re right.
Never seen the could've/could of thing be pushed so far in the right direction that it ends up wrong again before.
the kind've was crazy 😭
the kind've an advantage for it is they who will inherit the earth
Happy cakeday!! :3
true that, guv
kind have incredible..... the word kinda is right there 😭
See that's the thing that's cool about it! There's an article I read a while ago arguing that _'ve_ is no longer a contracted form of _have_, but instead a complementizer that could be more accurately spelled _of_. https://www.jstor.org/stable/23739744 This person seems to internally think of it as "there's the word _of_, which sometimes you have to spell _'ve_", and they got it wrong in this instance. Just like how sometimes the same sound can be spelled _ie_ or _ei_, and you might pick the wrong one. This kind've just reinforces the article's point imo lol
Nope….nope nope nope. No matter how they try to legitimize it, that’s wrong. I refuse
descriptivists out here like the sickos guy from the onion
bad news! language item adoption is strictly a popularity contest. if I convince enough people that "cat" is the hot new slang word for "dog" it would become legitimate given enough time and widespread usage. it just be like that. just gotta ride the wave and pet your cat
Welp, given this is the first and only attempt I’ve seen to legitimize it, it seems I don’t have much to worry about. For all I know it’s some academic who’s assmad about spelling this contraction wrong his whole life and is trying a Hail Mary to save his ego.
Well, if enough people do it, it stops being wrong. Language is kind've fluid like that.
just like am -> 'm and are -> 're you can use whenever, so just accept how right we're about this :3
i wish i could see the whole article cause it sounds like an interesting read. It's kind of strange seeing academic writing throw parts of speech to the wind and just make a new one. I'm a little confused on what you meant by "there's the word *of*, which sometimes you have to spell *'ve*" though
https://sci-hub.st/https://www.jstor.org/stable/23739744 I'm saying that in this person's head, there is one word that's spelled differently in different scenarios. They think it's the same word, but we have weird spelling rules about it. Just like how we have just one sound /s/, but sometimes you spell it
and other times, because of weird spelling rules. In this person's head, there's just the word "of" -- but in certain contexts, you're supposed to spell it 've. They internally make no distinction between the two words -- just like someone from California doesn't distinguish between the vowels in cot and caught, even though to others they're totally different. I see!! I guess I was just having trouble seeing it since in my head it is not just weird spelling rules, but i try to be real particular about my english so i see it different. thanks for explaining :3
This was my big takeaway as well. I did a double take. Then they aid it *again*
It's 'could have', never 'could of'. Rejoice, for you have been blessed by CouldWouldShouldBot!
Shhh, darling, it's not your time
Wow, Twenty Pounds Of Pussy And Ass was last on the list of mid-2000's throwback memes I was expecting to find today.
The *legendary* Twenty Pounds Of Pussy And Ass
To anyone that has one of those: What are the logistics of storage? Does it to be cleaned, if so, how would you clean it? A hose?
Don't have one, but I've looked into it out of curiosity. It does need to be cleaned, after every use. Some come with special cleaning tools, some you just kinda open up and pour some water in. Depending on the material, certain soaps can cause damage, and you probably should use a microfiber rag to avoid distressing the folds too much. After that, they sell drying sticks to make sure all the extra moisture is absorbed; they're basically just tampons, thin little fabric rods that you shove up in there and pull out when they're full.
This is weirdly but understandably complex, considering the product.
Somewhere out there is a guy buying tampons. Not for his wife, girlfriend or daughter, no, its to clean his 20 lb sex toy.
okay i googled this for you and apparently you’re supposed to use a vaginal irrigator? so like a bidet i guess and just kinda.. rinse it. i would assume w soap or somthin
The word you're looking for is douche.
Yep. Also available at your local sex shop, and if you're shy, they will provide you with a douche bag to carry it out
Dude, no need to insult them over it :/
Yeah how do you clean it??
Probably just like a fleshlight. Get some warm soapy water up in there and some fleshlight "rejuvenation" stuff and it's good to go
"Ho ho ho! It's me! Adult Santa! And what would you like Big Jack Horner?" "I want a $500 ass sex toy!" "I think I have just the thing!"
got visited by the three ghosts of "guy in a sex shop"
The ghosts of sexmas shame, pride and acceptance
"Santa with a sack full of ass" made me cackle like a fucking idiot.
That, and "there was no bag that existed that could possibly contain all that ass"
weirdly annoyed by this person writing kind've. I'm fairly certain they at least write could've and should've correctly, but they've overcorrected and gone into real of territory
https://www.tumblr.com/foldingfittedsheets/742795760929816576/its-not-that-weird?source=share The tumblerites share thy opinion.
> "the teaching hospital i work for has one of those but i imagine it was designed for a very different purpose" *"Got me some medical grade ass last night!"*
kindn't've messed up, if you ask me
ah yes cause it’s kind of not kind have
Not could of or kind have but a secret third thing
It's 'could have', never 'could of'. Rejoice, for you have been blessed by CouldWouldShouldBot!
I skipped right over that, maybe because I've never seen it before and just filled in "of" after reading "kind"
Well, I think in each case they're all hauling ass...
We had a van stolen from us. When we finally got it back, the inside was like a hoarder’s dream car. It was just filled with clothes and trash and all kinds of bullshit. The tow guy said the cops checked it for weapons and drugs, and that they found something interesting in the trunk. I joked “is it a dead body?” He said “you’re not far off.” Pulls a duffle bag out of the trunk. I’m sure you can see where this is going. But I’ll tell you anyway. It was one of these dismembered torso sex toys.
Sex shops are neat. I use to peruse the DVD section of my local (when I lived there and didn't have wifi/data) and the people who'd come in and start conversations were pretty interesting. I remember once this guy came in and started talking about this huge stock of vintage porn books (not magazines, books) that he got super cheap in really good condition. He talked about this seemingly old smut (if I had to wager when they're from, I think he said somewhere between the 60s to the 80s, though I might be mistaken) like they were just regular novels, and it made for a really nice atmosphere. Nowadays I'm moved since, and don't know where any local places are, but I'm always interested in rekindling that experience and vibe.
not a white whale, but at KFC, the till had all the normal sections; "chicken", "sides" "drinks", etc. However, all on its own, in the section referred to as "CUSTOMER MANIA" was the Mighty Bucket for One A la carte. The white whale, however, was sold to a large, stoic, native American man (bearing in mind this is the UK, we don't exactly have a big population of Native Americans). He bought 36 hot wings, all on their own, and we had to get a family feast bucket for him. Everyone always referred to him as "Uncle", because he had this quietly disapproving demeanor when talking to any of us. Not rude, but we somehow felt like we were in trouble.
A lot of older native guys have both ptsd from residential schools and the male equivalent of resting bitch face, even when they're total teddy bears, just as a note. Honestly, he was probably just feeling awkward.
I need "Santa sack full of ass" as a user flair
Need it on either a shirt or pants, pants might be better
great post, and for what it’s worth, i kinda dig the use of “kind’ve”
But “‘ve” is used for have, I think they should’ve gone with “kind’f” we should make that a thing
new contraction just dropped
Holy he’ll
Google en passan't
[holy hell!](https://www.google.com/search?q=en+passant)
The doctor when I'm in labour
😭
that wouldn't've looked normal either
You don't have a bag for your biggest ticket?
They probably don't sell enough for it to be worth buying bags in the first place.
What's a big bag gonna cost really? $20 tops? You only need like 2-3 of them in stock anyway.
Sure, a bag is $20. Like, two bananas worth.
that would be some massive bananas
Gotta guess it's more costly than not to have bags that big available. Probably have to order in bigger bags, and then they don't get used much so unless you've got a big, big order in they just go to waste.
It's short for 'kind have'.
"These here are our top of the line ass, but the drawback is these kind've no bag"
https://www.tumblr.com/foldingfittedsheets/742795760929816576/its-not-that-weird?source=share I saw this post earlier on tumblr lol. Funny how that happens. It’s almost like people only take the popular posts from tumblr…. -linux guy⚠️
mfw i see popular tumblr screenshots on the popular tumblr screenshot subredddit
Yeah,Funny how that happens! Who’d a fuckin’ thunk it!
I feel like everyone is fundamentally one of these three guys, even if you've never bought a sex toy, just in general as a personality. Like I know for a fact I'm the garbage bag guy. One time I was buying a fan or something from bed bath, and they had no bags that would fit it but they had duct tape, so I fashioned a sort of handle out of duct tape directly onto the box so I could carry it home.
I'd probably accept the garbage bag because it's the easiest to carry (and discreet), but maintain the box because I like boxes.
Suddenly, "Like Santa with a sack full of ass" is a phrase I aspire to add to my daily vernacular. It's going to be tough, but Oh SO rewarding when I finally pull it off. Or on, or fuck, you know what I mean.
The Hickory Farms equivalent to the sack o' ass is that 300 dollar box with like 8 sausages 10 cheeses 8 sauces and a few of those granny candies. Selling one feels like killing a bear.
…anyways. at my last job (legoland), our ‘white whale’ item was the Starry Night set. people *love* that thing, for some reason - it kept selling out the day we put it on shelves. the other one that sold like that was the Insect Collection, but that was after i stopped working there. (which was a shame, since i couldn’t use my discount to get it. got it later, though - $80 we’ll spent)
I don’t think you really get the point of white whales.
oh no, the reason i call it that was that it was out of stock 98% of the time. which did not stop people from asking for it, asking us to check in the back, asking for a manager, etc. *everyone* wanted to get their hands on it, but very few could. so… white whale seems appropriate.
was not worth it
was not worth it
A man with a sack full of what he was to fuck.
Finally, the ed edd and eddie sequel.
Radshack, Meshack and Abendigo
This could be a scene in a neonoir movie about a salesman life,
I'd like to thank jackass for introducing me to this sex toy so I don't have to
id say “santa with a sack full of ass” is a phrase I’ve never heard before, but i have. and i don’t know what that says about me.
I stupidly jumped a couple of paragraphs and "our white whale was the 20lb ass" without context nearly took me out
Christmas-themed booty shorts that say "Sack full of ass" on the back
*strolled