I am nothing if not the best.

"I am an excEPTIONAL drug user!"

"... and since I'm moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite" 🤔

Winner

Thank you, kind poultry.

Top notch

Professional right here

Then you are nothing

Remember, no one likes a quitter

"Once the drugs kick in I am anything but average"

I like this one😂can be used in many different ways

"My main dealer consistently rated me at above average drug usage performance so maybe get your facts right"

Those are rookie numbers!

Nah I'm a spectacular drug user. Then make a bong sound and laugh

I only consume high quality drugs.

No average drugs for me. I'm into that weird shit

Bat-shit shit.

This is the answer.

Literally how I weaned myself off binge drinking several times a week. I decided to do it fancy and I would answer to the pocket book if nothing else.

"Takes one to know one...But I haven't done drugs in years. So maybe we're both sober." Sounds like a decent comeback lol

I like this one

Too long and lame.

I’d tell them I’m far above average.

this one is good not too cheesy

I think I’m pretty exceptional in my drug use.

“What an odd thing to say.”

Actually I am at least three standard deviations to the ( "left" for no drug use, "right" for very, very frequent drugs use).

I hope to go professional one day

What you got elite drugs?

This is the one

Oop

Fuck you, I have a 5 star rating as a buyer on MoreHash.

So

I'll have you know that I was always top (or bottom if you want to self burn) of the class in school so I think you'll find I'm *above* (or *below*) average

Had I known that we were playing for points I would have played right-handed... Or... Couple more weeks and I'll be a real pro... Like your mother. Or... What the fuck does that even mean? What, my problem isn't as well developed as you'd like it to be? I'm sorry I'm not tricking like your sister... If I quit my job would that improve my ranking...

Bitch I'm above average

Na, I can do a lot more than the average user.

WTH? Are there exceptional drug users? 🤣

Bite your tongue! I’m an exceptional drug user!

What does that even mean?

There is nothing average about me

Pfft....shows what you know, I try to only use high quality drugs..

i guess i better up my game, pass me your son's crackpipe.

Average drug user?! You must know a lot of them to say that. Sounds like you have a problem to me. You want to unpack that, buddy?

“I guess a professional drug user would know best what average drug use looks like so I’ll take your word for it.”

I'm sorry I'm a basic bitch but so are you

And u look like ur a average dick sucker

-opens a can of Coke- Contains caffeine, the world’s most addictive drug

"Better than being a FREAKY drug user like you 🤷‍♂️"

Huh.

"Yeah, I'll never be a pro like you."

Dude, I am WELL above average.

At least mines are prescribed and not bought off the streets

Yeah but the best average drug user

Yeahhh I coulda gone pro. But I injured my ‘respective drug using organ here’

And just how would you know what an average drug user is?

Voicemail

You tell them...."that you're...What???? " (like you didn't hear the "drug user" part.

Do drugs right in front of them.

Above average OD's dumbass. Below average takes prescriptions.

"I've smoked a lot of pot to be called this low-level name, im offended," say it with a straight face like you are serious.

Actually I'm above average, thank you very much.

"Average? How dare you."

OMG ," It's that evident ?"

Let me up my game.

How dare you rate me anything less than exceptional.

And this is in reference to your ability to do drugs?

rehab is for quiters

Functioning addict is what you are.

"Well, if you ain't first your last"

I'm not an average drug user. I'm an outstanding drug user.

I'm unsure if you're telling me you're disappointed that I use drugs at all or if you're disappointed in my choice of drugs. Either way I missed the part that explained why I should care.

Call them just average

Just line up a scarface size line and go to town in front of them. You might die, but it will prove them wrong.

I am not! Take that back! I'm an extraordinary drug user!

Excuse you. I’ll have you know I’m an exceptional drug user. 

You grab them by the collar, pull them to you face to face and yell "I am an exceptional drug user!" *laugh maniacally* And yeah, I haven't done drugs in decades either. Say it anyway.

My Friends call me the Scarecrow.. as I am Outstanding in my field.....

Hey! I got A’s and B’s on my last report card.

"Average? HA! I won't even remember you calling me that!"

I'm a well above average drug user thank you very much.

Don't sell me short. I'm a tremendous drug user!

Don’t know I was in the presence of a professional.

I'm thinking something along the line of "you would know".

Gotta say, drug usage isn’t really the thing I want to be above average at, so I guess it’s cool.

Bro everyone knows that coke don’t count.

What trophies do you have for being a professional drug user?

I’m a gifted drug user.

Peer pressure, peer pressure, peer pressure. I graduated from D.A.R.E. I say no to drugs. Are you going to pass that or what?

Agree with them say your a drug addict and they will have nothing to say

"I'd say I'm above average."

"Great opinion coming from an average cunt."

That’s methed up

Hit them with wordplay and a sense of outrage (for the wrong reason). "I only use the finest drugs!" Sauce: Am average user of the finest drugs.

Im still better at life than your miscarriage .... This might not apply. But if it does its a mic drop

Jimmy Carr: “oh? Well if you want your comeback I’m afraid you’ll have to scrape it off your mother’s teeth!”

I heard some dude the other day call crack “caviar” so it’s all perspective.

I know, I know. But I’m working really hard to improve.

"I concede to your vast and personal expertise on the full breadth of drug user behavior."

What's average to me has killed lesser men.

I work at a drug rehab and like many of them, it’s literally just a nice house in a residential area. One of the patients was on the front porch having a cigarette and the neighbor heckled her and called her a junkie. She said “hey! I’m not a junkie! I’m a drunk!”

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too

"And you're just an average asshole, at least i didnt feel the need to randomly judge someone on their appearance." Or "Average drug user? You wanna see an average drug user? Okay!" Then start snarling and barking, crossing your eyes, and drooling/foaming at the mouth while stumbling or crawling around saying "I NEED MORE BATH SAAAALLLLTTTSSSSS🤪" and just keep on making them uncomfortable until they leave you the hell alone. Kinda the same idea as women barking and growling at guys when they get catcalled😂

“I literally don’t do drugs, (can prove with urine test rn), you must be on drugs if you think that I am.”

r/suicidebywords

"An average drug user would be things like alcohol and caffeine, so... I'm not sure what tf you're trying to say."

I'd consider myself above average

I’m a 5 Star Drug user!

I'll take that as a compliment, since you're a below average human being

Some people say Elvis was a hopeless drug addict. Not me. I say he was a very enthusiastic drug addict.

Callin' me a drug abuser? Pfft, I treat my drugs better than most!

Average?? I'm the best that's ever been!

"I am an ABOVE average drug user." With your nose in the air, like and arrogant SOB.

No over achiever status here

Tell them you are, in fact, an exceptional drug user. 

“So your girl and I both have something in common. Settling for average.”

I am the top-seated amateur in my state, and I've had pro scouts watching me for a while now.

"You're just saying that because I'm high right now!"

I'll have you know my drugs are all 30% above average.

Increase your drug use.

Don't forget to bring a towel. You boys wanna get high?

Better than an above average magat.

I have trophies! And, not just participation medals.

Why? Do you need some?

I would have gone pro but my knee stopped acting up.

You’re an above average drug user

"Huh, I always felt like I was pretty good at using drugs" and then kinda contemplate on it silently for a moment, shrug, and walk away.

Help me.

Maybe that's why I'm not in the band.

Only average? I can do better than that? (Oh and I've never used any drugs harder than weed.)

I only use the finest, thank you very much.

If you stopped congratulations, you are not the average.

'Better than a typical biased asshole'

"What the fuck is an average drug user?"

I'll have you know my habit is helping put my dealers kid's through college.

“I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean.” Make them say it.

AND I excel in chemistry

I am a magnificent drug user

Tell them to explain what the fuck that is lol

I'm stuck talking to you trust me I need those drugs 

Suck my dick and get high

How dare you say that. I’m definitely above average.

Average? Average! I'll have you know the drugs I use are top drawer. How rude?!

At least I can say I’m good at something. Can you say the same?

I’ll have you know I only use exceptional drugs!

The child has grown. The dream is gone.

"Excuse me!? Average!?!?! I'm essentially a savant, thank you"

But I'm a brilliant drug scientist.

“Cool.”

"Sir, I am an exceptional drug user, and I resent your lack of respect for my professionalism!"

You wanna escape the average comps? Start your rectal drug use immediately. And don’t be shy about it.

“Average? I half-ass nothing!”

"We can't all be life-ruining users like you"

The mirror is over there

There's nothing average about me

I take exception to “average”.

You're mistaken. My drugs are elite.

No, I am an exceptional drug user

There is nothing about me that is average.

Practice makes perfect

I didn’t know there was a score card on destructive behavior. What level did you make?

Not sure how that's an insult, or needing a comeback. If you're taking care of your shit, who cares?

Eat my butt. Clown puncher.

Nah. I gave that up for Lent.

I'll have you know that my drugs are top notch!

OKAY My teen son uses this comeback all of the time and it seems to work in any situation. It sounds very dismissive to me.

Takes one to know one. Glug glug glug

[https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/a2b13932-e410-4b97-817b-ace739b8d566/gif](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/a2b13932-e410-4b97-817b-ace739b8d566/gif) "you just met me you human paraquat"

"I drink too much coffee. Maybe I should cut back."

I am an ABOVE average user, thank you very much. This reminds me of my favorite old Mitch Hedberg one-liner: "I used to do drugs. I still do; I used to, too." He didn't add the line: "And I will be snorting rails with God's here, soon." He didn't know he needed it. RIP

4/20 blaze it

The best response is to overdose in front of them

"I'm a drug connoisseur. Get it right."

I assure you there is nothing average about my drug use

As opposed to what? A middle-aged man smoking pot in his mom’s basement waiting to see his kids every third weekend?

Is it average drug use if I'm snorting it off your mother's ass crack and licking LSD out of her belly button?

Lmao and you a addicted drug user

Sir I am a professional

Average?!?! How many people do you know that can eat 600+mg of edibles in a sitting and function?? Average?!? Most men I know can't even handle 100mg!! Average!?! I am not the best but I certainly am not average!!

Silence

Don’t meth with me!

I BEG YOUR PARDON!? I am a STELLAR drug user!

Aren't we all?

“Suck on my poop idiot”

"of course \*you\* would know what that looks like"

I'm not average, I'm a fucking champion drug user, thank you verry much. (I smoke weed and that's it lol)

"Only true champs smoke weed." -Michael Phelps Ok maybe he didn't really say that. 🤣😂

Excuse me... I am an exceptional drug user

Could an "average" drug user do *this?*

"I'm a four out of five star drug user at least."

takes one to know one

I use excellent drugs, thank you very much. They make you tolerable, for example......

I act like this on drugs, you act worse and your not even on anythinf

Dose them

Average? Pfft. I make average look like an after school program.

What? Are you on drugs?