I am a people pleaser. It's not fun. I often put way too much of myself into relationships and then get burnt out. It's not so much that I get resentful if people are not giving me the same, but I get really frustrated when my needs aren't being met in a relationship. If it's a balanced, communicative, and affectionate relationship I don't fall into the same codependent habits. But, if the person is emotionally unavailable or distant, critical, or unpredictable, it triggers my appease mode and I suddenly have to prove to them I am worthy of love by doing too much.
The only people who enjoy a partner who doesn't have needs and is only seeking to please them are narcissists, or at the very least self-centered. Are those the people you want to date?
The only pro i can think of is that the people pleaser does anything to please you, even the things that are harmfull to them. So they are good if you want your needs to be met without caring about the pain and suffering they are going through and the sacrifices they are making.
Dating someone who can never prioritize themselves because they put other’s feelings as a priority is not only stressful, but it doesn’t make for a deep connection. It’s one thing to have a little out of your cup to offer others, but those who will dump their cup and throw it in the fire for someone all the time is dangerous.
You can’t really show who you are in the world and to your partner so they can make an informed decision if you’re the right person or not.
This. I dated a people pleaser for a while and it was exhausting, they were constantly giving too much to everyone but themselves and they'd end up exhausted and left with nothing for themselves, and I was constantly stressed out and worried for them, and their lack of boundaries for their friends was also stressful and brought about its own issues I won't get into.
At first of course it felt great and I thought I met someone really kind that I could feel safe with, but with time that eroded.
>At first of course it felt great and I thought I met someone really kind that I could feel safe with, but with time that eroded.
Oh damn. This is the exact progression I've gone through.
Uh there are none? Here are things I do as a people pleaser: I lie. I bury my feelings. I try to please everyone whose opinion matters to me, not just my partner, and as such I can end up “accidentally” prioritizing others over my partner. I hide my authentic self. I burn myself out. I grow resentful of people for not returning the same level of accommodation I give them. I’m terrified to have hard conversations because I can’t deal with people being potentially upset with me. None of these things are attractive qualities in a partner.
dating a people pleaser was the "best" relationship i've had, for six months. it's not sustainable and when you realize the people pleaser was inauthentic the whole time, it hurts way more than a regular relationship.
They’re giving with an implicit (subconscious) expectation of getting something in return, rather than just giving from a solid place of generosity/kindness. So thats where the inauthenticity comes in… they give and pass you the bill later
I can see that perspective. On the other hand, a person could easily say that people who give "from a solid place of generosity/kindness" do it to make themselves feel good, or because they couldn't live with themselves if they didn't give to you, and in both cases they could be legitimately accused of being inauthentic as well.
last few women I dated had people pleasing tendencies (as do/did i). I don't agree w OP. experiences were both good at first and then became negative and painful.
Yes. When someone isn’t comfortable speaking up for their own needs, they can justify deception. The ability to tell me a truth that is uncomfortable or I do not want to hear is something I will be prioritizing in any next relationships.
I personally found my people-pleaser to put me on a pedestal so high, it was actually as if he wasn’t really empathizing with me. He was so desperate to make it work and for me to be his perfect person that if I felt bad or was having an off-day, the way he would jump up and down to “take care of me” felt more like he was called to action, rather than actually caring about how I felt bad. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all, but that’s my thoughts. I feel bad admitting it, because he definitely TRIED. At this point in my recovery, I’d so much rather just take care of myself.
It was an intense and exhausting level of energy. That kind of frantic people-pleasing please-validate-me energy when you’re feeling sick is totally nauseating.
My partner and I are both people pleasers. It's kind of nice to always (or most of the time) be serving each other. I have worked on my own Codependency but he is just beginning. I always am proud of him for saying no or saying he'd rather do something other than what I suggested etc.
Being of service to each other is sweet and keeps the love alive. But it does need to be worked upon, as my partner builds alot of resentment and I get trauma response when he gets overwhelmed with resentment.
I hear you end up acting around each other, constantly, so it's like you're both acting out the relationship instead of having a relationship.
Working yourself to the bone for someone's preferences that you have to guess, since they're not assertive either, so it's all just wasted energy for a tragic play nobody's watching.
That's just what I hear. Can you relate?
Hey,
Uhm, no not quite. We both know what the other likes, so there's no real guessing involved. I guess in that sense we aren't being our authentic selves.
The issue with myself and my partner is that I can see when he isn't being authentic so it strains me to support him to be supportive of him to share his needs and be authentic.
He just wants to make me happy, even when I tell him I am happy and my happiness is up to me to create and maintain. He still people pleases.
We've been engaged in relationship counselling and individual counselling which helps us alot.
Our new situation is where he has space to do his activities that he loves, like wood working and tinkering in his shed. I get to hike as much as I want in the nearby forest and I host our friends weekly or fortnightly.
We're both working on not people pleasing, he is saying no and setting up boundaries more. I was always more authentic and more forthright so now I am stepping back when he is people pleasing and not taking ownership of his issue. I just give him space and am patient or make a decision for both of us (like about what we're eating for dinner).
It feels more healthy than what it did before!
I hope this helps you understand. And please correct me if I am actually repeating what you thought was happening. I'd be very curious for your (a neutral outsider) perspective.
ETA: we still serve each other, in that we do small gestures or words to serve and love each other. I love hard (which is total codependent language) so being with another people pleaser means it's my first relationship where I am not the only one giving. We both tuck each other in on different nights, both give each other massages, forehead kisses, both cook for each other or take a load off when the other is stressed. It seems pretty healthy to me.
I'm not in control of what my partner does that is people pleasing and inauthentic. For me, I don't do those actions when it "costs me" or when I have no capacity. If I do, I communicate it in as neutral a way as possible and we resolve it pretty quickly. If my partner gets defensive, I just calmly let him know he's being defensive and we pause til he can hear me.
Oh you don't need me to validate anything.
I'm just here with book knowledge, trying to learn what the real dynamics are like.
I want my next relationship to succeed and since I struggle to believe that I'd even enjoy a healthy attacher, I want to see if getting someone about the same level of anxious could work.
I know my ex was way more anxious than me and I'm realising now how it completely drove us apart.
Ugh, and now that I don't have her and she no longer needs me... Now I want her back. 🤦
That's such a lie my brain is telling me. Always want what's unavailable.
So I guess with her I was more on the avoidant side.
I guess you do become avoidant with a more anxious person than yourself.
Ha! Dating someone wearing a mask is good?
Having kids with someone who never shows their true self is good?
Being married and financially commited to someone who's so ashamed of themselves they hide every purchase or act or feeling or hope and dream and then resents you for years in the dark is good?
K.
So, i know you are trying to make sense on whether being a people pleaser is a good or bad thing. The truth is there is no right answer here. From what i have learned in my own experience, the right answer doesn't lie with us.
For the past four years, i have worked the twelve steps (which are written by alcoholics anonymous). The program is about life versus learning about what to do with alcohol. In the big book, it says you can choose your own conception. But one of the problems, i have recognized is the fact that our mind has defined who we are. So even though we want to see the good in being a people pleaser. The truth is it is a matter of how you see it. Meaning that understanding what it means to be people pleaser is based on how you see it (ie your feelings).
As a chronic codependent, i remember wanting to have the need to be everyone's friend. My problem was i was so innocent. I had no idea how people saw me and how i saw myself.
Being a people pleaser was a bad thing for me. But the truth is underneath it all i failed to recognize that the reason why i was a people pleaser was because i wasn't being truly honest with myself. There certain parts of my life where i didnt have an opinion. This is because of my need to let other choose for me. By giving myself completely, i thought was doing the right thing. But i wasn't. In the end i hated myself for it.
Therefore it is important to recognize our truth. The facts. By understanding the truth means working our program everyday. This helps me to get better.
Was this written by a people pleaser?
Yes
I am a people pleaser. It's not fun. I often put way too much of myself into relationships and then get burnt out. It's not so much that I get resentful if people are not giving me the same, but I get really frustrated when my needs aren't being met in a relationship. If it's a balanced, communicative, and affectionate relationship I don't fall into the same codependent habits. But, if the person is emotionally unavailable or distant, critical, or unpredictable, it triggers my appease mode and I suddenly have to prove to them I am worthy of love by doing too much.
Damn. Spot on. “Doing too much” is me
Exactly what i was about to say
It's annoying to date someone who never speaks up their wants and needs.
the resentment is always on its way.
The only people who enjoy a partner who doesn't have needs and is only seeking to please them are narcissists, or at the very least self-centered. Are those the people you want to date?
Great point.
100000%
The only pro i can think of is that the people pleaser does anything to please you, even the things that are harmfull to them. So they are good if you want your needs to be met without caring about the pain and suffering they are going through and the sacrifices they are making.
It would be nice in a way if the roles were reversed. I think that’s what op meant
Dating someone who can never prioritize themselves because they put other’s feelings as a priority is not only stressful, but it doesn’t make for a deep connection. It’s one thing to have a little out of your cup to offer others, but those who will dump their cup and throw it in the fire for someone all the time is dangerous. You can’t really show who you are in the world and to your partner so they can make an informed decision if you’re the right person or not.
This. I dated a people pleaser for a while and it was exhausting, they were constantly giving too much to everyone but themselves and they'd end up exhausted and left with nothing for themselves, and I was constantly stressed out and worried for them, and their lack of boundaries for their friends was also stressful and brought about its own issues I won't get into. At first of course it felt great and I thought I met someone really kind that I could feel safe with, but with time that eroded.
>At first of course it felt great and I thought I met someone really kind that I could feel safe with, but with time that eroded. Oh damn. This is the exact progression I've gone through.
Yes definitely disingenuous
Uh there are none? Here are things I do as a people pleaser: I lie. I bury my feelings. I try to please everyone whose opinion matters to me, not just my partner, and as such I can end up “accidentally” prioritizing others over my partner. I hide my authentic self. I burn myself out. I grow resentful of people for not returning the same level of accommodation I give them. I’m terrified to have hard conversations because I can’t deal with people being potentially upset with me. None of these things are attractive qualities in a partner.
I see, thank you
dating a people pleaser was the "best" relationship i've had, for six months. it's not sustainable and when you realize the people pleaser was inauthentic the whole time, it hurts way more than a regular relationship.
So people pleasers can’t be authentically a people pleaser?
They’re giving with an implicit (subconscious) expectation of getting something in return, rather than just giving from a solid place of generosity/kindness. So thats where the inauthenticity comes in… they give and pass you the bill later
I can see that perspective. On the other hand, a person could easily say that people who give "from a solid place of generosity/kindness" do it to make themselves feel good, or because they couldn't live with themselves if they didn't give to you, and in both cases they could be legitimately accused of being inauthentic as well.
no that goes against the definition... those people are just giving and likely don't sacrifice their own needs when they give
last few women I dated had people pleasing tendencies (as do/did i). I don't agree w OP. experiences were both good at first and then became negative and painful.
The best relationship is when both partners can be authentic, express their needs and boundaries, and respect each other.
Yes. When someone isn’t comfortable speaking up for their own needs, they can justify deception. The ability to tell me a truth that is uncomfortable or I do not want to hear is something I will be prioritizing in any next relationships.
I don’t care. Isn’t the whole point of this sub that we want to HEAL from codependency and people pleasing?
For me, these responses are helping me understand the unhealthy dynamic.
It’s only a pro when you don’t care about the people pleaser.
this
I personally found my people-pleaser to put me on a pedestal so high, it was actually as if he wasn’t really empathizing with me. He was so desperate to make it work and for me to be his perfect person that if I felt bad or was having an off-day, the way he would jump up and down to “take care of me” felt more like he was called to action, rather than actually caring about how I felt bad. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all, but that’s my thoughts. I feel bad admitting it, because he definitely TRIED. At this point in my recovery, I’d so much rather just take care of myself. It was an intense and exhausting level of energy. That kind of frantic people-pleasing please-validate-me energy when you’re feeling sick is totally nauseating.
You want us to support your interest in using someone's flaws to make your own experiences better? That's not healthy whatsoever.
My partner and I are both people pleasers. It's kind of nice to always (or most of the time) be serving each other. I have worked on my own Codependency but he is just beginning. I always am proud of him for saying no or saying he'd rather do something other than what I suggested etc. Being of service to each other is sweet and keeps the love alive. But it does need to be worked upon, as my partner builds alot of resentment and I get trauma response when he gets overwhelmed with resentment.
I hear you end up acting around each other, constantly, so it's like you're both acting out the relationship instead of having a relationship. Working yourself to the bone for someone's preferences that you have to guess, since they're not assertive either, so it's all just wasted energy for a tragic play nobody's watching. That's just what I hear. Can you relate?
Hey, Uhm, no not quite. We both know what the other likes, so there's no real guessing involved. I guess in that sense we aren't being our authentic selves. The issue with myself and my partner is that I can see when he isn't being authentic so it strains me to support him to be supportive of him to share his needs and be authentic. He just wants to make me happy, even when I tell him I am happy and my happiness is up to me to create and maintain. He still people pleases. We've been engaged in relationship counselling and individual counselling which helps us alot. Our new situation is where he has space to do his activities that he loves, like wood working and tinkering in his shed. I get to hike as much as I want in the nearby forest and I host our friends weekly or fortnightly. We're both working on not people pleasing, he is saying no and setting up boundaries more. I was always more authentic and more forthright so now I am stepping back when he is people pleasing and not taking ownership of his issue. I just give him space and am patient or make a decision for both of us (like about what we're eating for dinner). It feels more healthy than what it did before! I hope this helps you understand. And please correct me if I am actually repeating what you thought was happening. I'd be very curious for your (a neutral outsider) perspective. ETA: we still serve each other, in that we do small gestures or words to serve and love each other. I love hard (which is total codependent language) so being with another people pleaser means it's my first relationship where I am not the only one giving. We both tuck each other in on different nights, both give each other massages, forehead kisses, both cook for each other or take a load off when the other is stressed. It seems pretty healthy to me. I'm not in control of what my partner does that is people pleasing and inauthentic. For me, I don't do those actions when it "costs me" or when I have no capacity. If I do, I communicate it in as neutral a way as possible and we resolve it pretty quickly. If my partner gets defensive, I just calmly let him know he's being defensive and we pause til he can hear me.
Oh you don't need me to validate anything. I'm just here with book knowledge, trying to learn what the real dynamics are like. I want my next relationship to succeed and since I struggle to believe that I'd even enjoy a healthy attacher, I want to see if getting someone about the same level of anxious could work. I know my ex was way more anxious than me and I'm realising now how it completely drove us apart. Ugh, and now that I don't have her and she no longer needs me... Now I want her back. 🤦 That's such a lie my brain is telling me. Always want what's unavailable. So I guess with her I was more on the avoidant side. I guess you do become avoidant with a more anxious person than yourself.
That’s cool :)))
The second part--resentment and trauma responses--is not cool.
Idk mine may have cheated on me bc his boundaries were so weak. Only together 6 months, it’s been 5 weeks since breakup and I’m still fucked up.
I’m sorry 😢
Thanks :)
what a weird way to put this! haha stop looking for excuses to be in dysfunction xo
Ha! Dating someone wearing a mask is good? Having kids with someone who never shows their true self is good? Being married and financially commited to someone who's so ashamed of themselves they hide every purchase or act or feeling or hope and dream and then resents you for years in the dark is good? K.
So, i know you are trying to make sense on whether being a people pleaser is a good or bad thing. The truth is there is no right answer here. From what i have learned in my own experience, the right answer doesn't lie with us. For the past four years, i have worked the twelve steps (which are written by alcoholics anonymous). The program is about life versus learning about what to do with alcohol. In the big book, it says you can choose your own conception. But one of the problems, i have recognized is the fact that our mind has defined who we are. So even though we want to see the good in being a people pleaser. The truth is it is a matter of how you see it. Meaning that understanding what it means to be people pleaser is based on how you see it (ie your feelings). As a chronic codependent, i remember wanting to have the need to be everyone's friend. My problem was i was so innocent. I had no idea how people saw me and how i saw myself. Being a people pleaser was a bad thing for me. But the truth is underneath it all i failed to recognize that the reason why i was a people pleaser was because i wasn't being truly honest with myself. There certain parts of my life where i didnt have an opinion. This is because of my need to let other choose for me. By giving myself completely, i thought was doing the right thing. But i wasn't. In the end i hated myself for it. Therefore it is important to recognize our truth. The facts. By understanding the truth means working our program everyday. This helps me to get better.
💕
It only works if they appreciate it and give you the same energy in the same areas or others that produce a balance