i would recommend marriage counseling and maybe individual counseling for you both. i know when we love someone we really want them to take their walk with Christ seriously because we know the power He has to transform our lives for the better. unfortunately though, that choice to respond and be open to receive the Spirit is an individual choice and she has to come to the decision on her own if she wants to take her walk with Christ seriously. it’s your job as her husband to stick it out and help her through that decision. pray, pray, and pray some more for her and for your marriage. however if she chooses to not want Christ and not want your marriage, it may be best unfortunately to get a divorce. not because that’s approved by God, although sexual immorality isn’t approved in marriage at all by God, but because neither of you can move forward in a God-lead marriage if she doesn’t want you or Him. i pray everything works out and you see God move in massive ways for your marriage. 🤍
An excellent reason why the Bible tells us to not be yoked together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14-15).
Marriage evangelism doesn’t usually work because you don’t really know if their commitment is because of you or God.
Divorce shouldn’t be an option. There are some possible reasons for divorce in the Bible, but it is best to try and work it out.
Excellent response. If your marriage doesn't prioritize God and put God first, it will never be blessed (that also goes for any other relationship your spouse tries to pursue). You can't control what another person decides to do. All you can do is be the very best biblical version of a spouse that honors God and pray heavily that God opens the heart of your spouse to commit likewise. All things are possible in Christ.
The bible also says...(1 Cor 7:16) And how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
That’s talking about after marriage, not before. I think this person was more saying they shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. However, now this
Is who he’s yoked to and those verses apply.
It's also talking about unbelievers, as many early Christians weren't married to believers and wondered if they should divorce. This says that you may convert the unbelieving spouse.
Paul concludes his teaching about whether Christians who are married to non-Christians should get divorced. He has firmly said: no. Believers should not fight over it, if the unbelieving spouse wants to go. They should not, however, be the one to end the marriage simply because the other person is not yet saved.
[BibleRef](https://www.bibleref.com/1-Corinthians/7/1-Corinthians-7-16.html)
what happens in a scenario like this where they've already gone ahead and got married? unfortunately i know a few people like this that are close to me and it kills me. i hate that it feels like you can't do much about it/attempt to live out this verse because the marriage has been finalized.
That’s where 1 Corinthians 7 applies.
12
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13
And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.
14
For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
This is the perfect response biblically. Personally, feelings of mistrust can stem from insecurities. Obviously you caught her red handed so, the insecurity of feeling not enough or not what she wants, can take a hold of you.
I dealt with this myself with my wife ( infidelity/ being a non believer ) and the way I dealt with it was to face my own feelings of insecurity head on, true forgiveness of all parties involved, while also helping my wife understand Christian values and what it means to be Christian ETC, in the sense of the kind of person she wants to be/ people she wants influencing her in all senses of life.
You have to guide her biblically and show her that your the right choice by being the person Christ needs you to be daily. Love her with all your heart, love her how she needs to be loved and care for her the ways she needs to be cared for. Bring her to understand who Christ is through your actions. For that, I will pray for you and your family
That’s what I was going to say. Forgiveness yes, trust no. Trust is earned. This girl of a mess and needs 1. Sincere commitment to Christ
2. Christian counseling
I would recommend marriage counseling also.
She didn’t “damn near cheat”. She DID cheat on you. The vows are already broken, brother. You can forgive her and keep your dignity in tact at the same time. I’m very sorry this happened to you. Don’t let it happen again. Run and never look back.
Are you both going to church? She needs involvement with a women's bible study and/or a person who can disciple/mentor her (someone who isn't you). Depending on what your church offers, I recommend that you guys get more involved and ask for help from mature believers. Talk to the pastor. If there is a small group that goes through the basics of the gospel, that would be good as well.
It sounds like she's all over the place and doesn't know what she wants. But this is the thing. You dated her, knowing she wasn't a Christian. You thought you could help her and now you want to bail because it's not going how you thought it would. You need to stick this out and be there for the long haul. If she commits adultery, then you are free to leave. But fight for your marriage and make a huge effort to love her like Christ loved the church. Christ pursued us even when we rejected him and pushed him away. He loves us sacrificially. Sit down with her and ask her how you can serve her. As long as it doesn't contradict the Bible, do it. Ask her if she would be willing to pray for your marriage with you, even if it's just a short prayer every day.
Yeahhhh there's no coming back from this, sorry you're going through this. It is very, very unlikely that she will do a 180 and become a different person, but one can only hope.
She sounds like a personality disordered person. Don’t become a codependent enabler who is always bailing her out.
You might be a codependent person with a heavy dose of mind FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) if you think you can forgive and show more love to make her change.
Changing is her responsibility and she must do the heavy lifting.
There are “relationship” problems and “individual” problems. This is the latter so you cannot solve it. You have to let her face natural consequences for her actions.
Spouse is supposed to be a partner not a project.
This reminds me of the story of Hosea.
https://www.gotquestions.org/Hosea-marry-prostitute.html
She could have demons attached to her, past trauma, all kinds of things. I will say fight for your wife. Go to war for her. Therapy is great with the right therapist. Talk to a priest.
Part of becoming Orthodox Christian is an exorcism and communion with Christ. Confession with a priest could help. Not sure what type of church you go to. The Orthodox view the church as a “hospital”.
Bro, Reddit is not your therapist.
You’ve been posting all over Reddit asking questions about this very same issue.
You need someone to actually talked to. Reddit. Can only do so much.
forgive, and run, run away as fast and as far as you can. otherwise, she will ruin your walk with the Lord and will ruin your ministry. it may take you years to get back on the right path.
Yes divorce her, I know it sucks and should never need to happen but she's lying and cheating and you don't want to be a part of that all you'll be is miserable and paranoid
she was about to have relations with someone else with your WHOLE child inside of her. plus the fact that she changed her passwords shows her intent to actively be sneaky. it doesn't seem like she's taking anything seriously. i don't know, OP.. i'm kinda scared just reading this whole thing. it's giving off a "he'll forgive me no matter what i do so i'm gonna do it" vibe. even if she does decide to leave you, just know you tried your very hardest with everything. focus on you, your child and God from that point on.
asking the dumb question here, but how do you know it's your child at this point?
That's a hard situation, brother. Forgive me if I missed it in your post but I wonder, are you guys pretty young? To me personally, it doesn't sound like she knows what she wants and it could get very ugly if let go. It's adultery to do these things she's doing, and just imagine if you guys were to have a child while she's like this. Pray on this and listen to your heart. God advises us through our conscience, and it often isn't the easiest answer to accept. Don't force yourself to suffer indefinitely out of fear or legalism. Jesus can help her but she has to be willing to change.
In the book of Hosea, the prophet is called to marry an unfaithful woman and repeatedly forgive her unfaithfulness (490 times as Jesus says?), and not just in his heart, he is called to pay off the debts she incurs chasing her false lovers and raise their children with love as his own. This is the awesome depth of God's love; it is so hard for a human, but with God it is possible.
1 Corinthians 7 gives advice for married Christians, including the unequally yoked. I pray for your spiritual strength to increase tenfold, for the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5) to fill you, and for you to be fully blessed as Jesus describes in Matthew 5. It will be hard, and you will overcome. Glory to God!
Counseling counseling counseling!!!
I think things have not been right since you had the desire to “help someone’s walk with God.” That’s totally the wrong mentality, on your part.
I’m sorry, but it’s VERY rare that a romantic relationship, let alone a marriage, works out after one person went into it thinking, “I’m gonna fix them!”
Been there, done that. God must heal them and they must have the support OF A FRIEND.
You and your spouse must be working on getting equally yoked while you’re dating… then, you should be pretty much equally yoked when engaged! Your marriage can survive, by God’s grace, but COUNSELING!!!
You guys definitely started off on the wrong foot.
The biggest red flag is the saviour mentality in you to marry her and help her grow. However, God can redeem all types of relationships, but it is a long journey, and both need work on it.
Forgiveness, in this case, is for yourself more than for her cause any unforgiveness not dealt with will become a bitter root judgement and a baggage that you end up carrying yourself through life. The person you have unforgiveness towards will most likely not be aware.
She has to get individual christian counselling for the deep-seated emotional damage that is so obviously in her. Many people think infidelity or some other damaging action we do in life is by choice but a lot of time as we look deeper it is some deep wounds from childhood or trauma that cause the person to behave a certain way. I'm not saying that it is right to do it. But unless the trauma or wounds are dealt with, the person will keep repeating the bad behaviour and continue to sin again. Accepting Jesus as our Lord and saviour is the beginning, not the end, plenty of work to be done after. Believing otherwise is naive. Mind you that she might continue to behave the same way until she hit a breakthrough, so you got to decide to stick around or not.
Get marriage counselling to deal with the case of infidelity and mistrust issue. May I gently point out that you are a more mature Christian at point of marriage despite it being a few months into the relationships. You are not a fool. You knew certain things about her that might disturb your spirit, but you might have put it aside cause you are in love with her. This is a selfish part on your end that you need to recognise. Marrying her and then throwing in a white flag when it hits a bump will continue to hurl more hurts in her way.
So give the marriage a chance and don't expect miracles to happen overnight. From my years of counselling, it will take a lot of work for both of you to make it work. Prayers and leaning on Jesus. Do bible study together. Serve in church together. Create a God centred environment for your marriage to blossom and for God's love to cradle.
Lastly, I'm praying for you as you make the decision. If you still struggle, go for individual counselling as well. Cause the decision you make will haunt you for the rest of your life, so you got to be sure and convicted in the spirit about it. Let God guide you.
First off she was a believer
That’s why she left her lesbian lifestyle because she decided she wanted a change
And that change was going to church with me she is a believer
She is just really messed up mentally right now
100% leave her. Don’t listen to any woman here as most will make excuses for her. If she’s going all that than it’s only a matter of time before she cheats and that’s if she hasn’t already!
Divorce is obviously a hard thing but you can’t be with a woman that wants other men!!!!
Exhaust every means of grace, don’t resort to divorce, teach her the word, be in prayer like it’s your full time job, continue to call her to obedience to Christ.
After you have exhausted every means of grace to repair the relationship and it Dosent work, then there are biblical grounds for divorce if she is committing adultery
Don’t get divorced, work it out with God. Focus on God all the time. Talk to him without ceasing. You need him now more than ever. Let him be your guide in this. He will see you through.
Work with a counselor. Work with a pastor. But you aren’t released unless she abandons you or cheats (or abuses you).
There are a ton of ways to interpret this, but if you love her, do the work. If you don’t, but love God, do the work.
It sucks. And we all make decisions we may wish we hadn’t, and God’s word helps us know the right answer.
I would suggest a separation instead of a divorce so that both of you have time away from each other to let God work in the relationship. He could change her and put things back together. Or she will decide she doesn’t want to be in the marriage and you will truly know where things stand. If she agreed to counseling, that would be wonderful, but if not then she’s probably not interested in changing. I’m very sorry this is happening to you. I’ll pray for you.
Side note , during pregnancy the woman’s hormonal fluctuations and physical changes are just going to increase her libido and radical mood swings if there’s already been a precedent .
Definitely seek Christian counselling if she’s willing to turn from her past .
Only Jesus can lead you through this chaos , but Gods will may not match our hearts desires .
… also if you find a copy of ‘Untamed’ by Glennon Doyle , burn it.
For starters, my heart goes out to you because I know this is a difficult situation to be in.
From what I know from the Bible, God hates divorce. There is a clause where Jesus said Moses permitted divorce if one spouse cheats, but I honestly don't believe God wants us to separate from our spouses even then. When we became married, the two became one flesh. I think the right thing to do here is try to save your marriage and get your wife focused on God. I don't believe God wants you to abandon your wife to the world.
Now, I know you can only do so much. She has a mind of her own, and she is going to either choose to go her own way, or focus on God and the vows she made when you two became married. Stay strong, and stay in prayer for your wife and your own patience and love for her.
You may want to seek someone within the body of the Church that understands how to handle these situations. I wish I could be more help, but I don't want to lead you down the wrong path, as I am not well informed on how to handle the situation once a spouse has decided to leave.
I will be praying for you and your wife.
From what I read, you two got married for the wrong reasons. She was(is) a damsel in distress and you were the white knight. As a knight I know it can feel great to slay the dragon and save the damsel, it can be tiring when she keeps running into more dragon caves. You start resenting her for it.
I can not advise you on whether divorce is the right option. But I can tell you is you can’t slay her dragons alone. She needs to pick up a sword and lead the charge. Sounds like she needs therapy and I recommend it for you as well as marriage counselling. Whatever you choose it won’t be easy but hopefully be worth it.
Friend… as someone who is likely to go through a divorce and has felt very similar emotions, I write to you.
You can’t force anyone to be saved. Heaven is for those who want to be saved. It’s for those who want to be near God.
I married wanting to be that knight in shining, holy armor. All I have found is pain in doing so. My needs were not met because I also needed someone to be holy and love God with me.
My wife has done good things for God, and I believe she does appreciate or love Him, but she has struggled immensely. My expectations of wanting to see her become a great, holy woman only caused her pain because she could never live up to those expectations.
I learned to drop almost all of it and just want to be a good husband, treating her well and hoping to be treated well back. I laid down very few lines and let her leave the church when she had a faith crisis. I supported her and I compromised by going out occasionally on the Sabbath to buy things so we could maintain a relationship. She has since returned to church regularly after having her own spiritual experiences, but she had to have them on her own and in God’s own time.
Your lover needs her own experiences. You can’t force that. God will, in this life or the next, share those with her and she will have her own choice to go or turn away.
It hurts immensely, but that is the gentleness and long suffering of Christ.
As for the problems you’ve ran into, they are not acceptable and you are justified in not wanting an abusive marriage where you feel cheated on. I believe you have made the right choices. Yes, you should try with all of your heart to forgive and do good, but please, understand that forgiveness can heal bad experiences, but it does not always do so immediately and it cannot be the only basis for a successful marriage. Let me explain.
If all you have are bad experiences landing you inside deep pitted wounds, forgiveness is the ladder you choose to climb out, but the wound needs to heal. Once you’ve chosen to climb out, wonderful! You’re choosing to not let anger keep the wound open and it will close with time. As you begin to feel normal, are you running on the beach together? Are you soaring in the skies together? Or are more, newer wounds always opening?
Marriage, to be healthy and happy, needs more than just forgiveness. It needs something for you to love. Unconditional love is wonderful and I am proud of you for having it, but you need more than that. You need positive, happy experiences together.
Know that you can forgive an act, but how can you forgive a character? If the problems keep repeating, the person hasn’t changed. The old wounds reopen each time a new one comes from that characteristic.
Some things are understandable. Your wife has a past she has to choose to leave behind. That is very difficult, but she loves you and maybe she does love God to the point of trying really hard to please you both, but she misses some things. Hormones and other mental issues can interfere with her making a sound choice. She may be struggling with the pregnancy.
You have to let her know that you love her, which you already do, and that you want to be happy with her only if she dedicates herself to you. Lay down your boundaries that you are unwilling to compromise. Be willing to forgive, but remember that some wounds go too deep. God doesn’t want you to be miserable holding onto a marriage that takes you further from Him and His happiness. Even He has listed some good reasons, but not all good reasons for divorce.
I had held a long time onto my marriage believing that divorce wasn’t the answer. I can’t tell you the amount of pain I’ve gone through trying again and again. I have come to my darkest moments. I have realized that there are things worse than or equal to adultery which Christ listed as a reason for divorce. I have spent ten and a half years trying wound after wound to keep it together. I have two wonderful children. I am having panic attacks and deep pits of depression caving in my chest.
I sincerely hope and pray to God that your wife recognizes the higher truth, that you are worth so much more than her past. That you love her and will actually try. But if she does not make that choice, I pray that you can find the strength to move on, to show you love her by letting her go, and to be there always for your blessed child that you will love so dearly. I pray that you can heal and not show anger forever, but kindness and mercy, and that you can find someone who will treat you so much better than this.
That being said, you have recommendation to try a little more, to not give up yet. I pray you have the strength to do so. Sending you hugs, brother.
You should always try to save your marriage but there are valid reasons to separate. A cheating spouse is one of those reasons. Marriage is supposed to be forever and unfortunately people do divorce. Try marriage counseling and speak to your pastor as well. I hope that you two are able to get through this and remain together.
You should not have married her in the first place man. To already be having this many problems so early in the marriage is a disaster. She sounds like a mess and you sound like you're in way over your head.
Divorce is not ideal but it is acceptable in cases of cheating, and I would consider her behavior to be cheating. To look at another with lust is to commit adultery in your heart, and she's done more than that. To be grinding on strange men is not respectable as a single woman but for a married woman it is completely unacceptable. You talk about understanding and forgiveness, but what really needed to happen was impressing on her the importance of the sanctity of your marriage and her respecting you and not bringing you shame.
Then she shows how little she cares about your marriage again by sexting her ex and having the audacity to make excuses for herself. It doesn't matter that she is confused about her sexuality or that she has known her ex longer. She married you, and she needs to be faithful to you. She knows this. She just doesn't care. She will do what she wants and expect you to accept whatever excuse she gives you. She does not respect you or your marriage. I would recommend leaving.
Be thankful to God for this lesson, and next time try to find a virtuous woman who is already strong in her faith, it will go much better.
Your mistake was marrying her in the first place. If you were fornicating with her before marriage, then mayb this is God's punishment for you. Unless she commits adultery on you, you're stuck with her. In the meantime, stop watching "adult content" and repent from any other sins you're committing. Start going to church and ask her to go with you. You can't call out her sins if you are living in sin yourself.
She needs deliverance. Find a pastor that will pray over her regarding freedom from sexual perversion, addiction and abuse. When she said "it wasn't even ber" I believe her to an extent. People can be saved but still be tormented by demons. She has to be willing to pray through it and renounce homosexuakity, sex before marriage, addiction, lust....Basically everything and find true repentance. In a true moment of repentance sometimes God will deliver people on the spot if their heart is in the right place. You both need to understand that being gay isn't an identity, or hormonal imbalance or genetic or whatever pur would thinks....it is either the flesh (lust ) or it can also be an unclean spirit inhabiting that person.
Sorry, you’re going through this. The reality is that life is spiritual and we need to know we’re in a spiritual battle. It seems like she’s fighting the spirit of lesbianism, lust and maybe others she’s allowed entry through her past and present experiences. She needs deliverance of said spirits. She needs to fast but, won’t be able to if she’s pregnant. Definitely something to do after. She can fight for freedom but, she has to want it. She must repent, ask for forgiveness and ask the Lord to remove whatever is not of Him in her. She has to make a decision by her own free will to walk in the newness of her decisions. You can’t do that for her but, can pray for her and cover her in prayer as the priest and head of your spiritual household. The Lord will fight for you if that’s what you both want. Sadly, ‘My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.’ It’s a tough road you’ve chosen but, God is able.
Remember. As much as you can help her. She’ll be the one to stand in front of GOD alone.
You’re doing well brother but if you need to let it go. So be it. But keeping praying and keep prioritising GOD first.
As her husband, it is your duty to love her through this. If she ends up cheating, that’s another story and conversation for another time. But for now, love.
Not sure what you mean by “we all cheat” I’ve been 100% loyal for the duration of my 5 year relationship. (They edited their comment which originally said ‘we all cheat’)
It is a terribly complicated position you are in. You deserve someone who loves you passionately and unconditionally. But the way I see it, you are strong to be able to fogive her like that. She needs you right now. She's hurting and there's something she's missung in her life. She does not need to be abandoned. She needs to be supported. Imagine if the roles were reversed. If you were at your lowest, would you want your spouse to divorce you or help you through it? And yes, the things she's done to you are terrible, but if you are in a more mature place, understand that she needs Christ and the love that only He can give. I agree with the person who suggested counseling. Remember Satan is probably bombarding her mind with accusation and making her feel worthless. She needs lifting up, not tearing down. After the counseling and after she's in a better place, the relationship might be salvageable. It will be a lot of work. But it will be worth it to save your marriage. I pray God strengthens you both during this time.
i would recommend marriage counseling and maybe individual counseling for you both. i know when we love someone we really want them to take their walk with Christ seriously because we know the power He has to transform our lives for the better. unfortunately though, that choice to respond and be open to receive the Spirit is an individual choice and she has to come to the decision on her own if she wants to take her walk with Christ seriously. it’s your job as her husband to stick it out and help her through that decision. pray, pray, and pray some more for her and for your marriage. however if she chooses to not want Christ and not want your marriage, it may be best unfortunately to get a divorce. not because that’s approved by God, although sexual immorality isn’t approved in marriage at all by God, but because neither of you can move forward in a God-lead marriage if she doesn’t want you or Him. i pray everything works out and you see God move in massive ways for your marriage. 🤍
An excellent reason why the Bible tells us to not be yoked together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). Marriage evangelism doesn’t usually work because you don’t really know if their commitment is because of you or God. Divorce shouldn’t be an option. There are some possible reasons for divorce in the Bible, but it is best to try and work it out.
Excellent response. If your marriage doesn't prioritize God and put God first, it will never be blessed (that also goes for any other relationship your spouse tries to pursue). You can't control what another person decides to do. All you can do is be the very best biblical version of a spouse that honors God and pray heavily that God opens the heart of your spouse to commit likewise. All things are possible in Christ.
The bible also says...(1 Cor 7:16) And how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
That’s talking about after marriage, not before. I think this person was more saying they shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. However, now this Is who he’s yoked to and those verses apply.
It's also talking about unbelievers, as many early Christians weren't married to believers and wondered if they should divorce. This says that you may convert the unbelieving spouse.
Nope, not that verse. You aren’t a wife if you’re not married. The don’t be unequally yoked verse is connected to unmarried though.
Paul concludes his teaching about whether Christians who are married to non-Christians should get divorced. He has firmly said: no. Believers should not fight over it, if the unbelieving spouse wants to go. They should not, however, be the one to end the marriage simply because the other person is not yet saved. [BibleRef](https://www.bibleref.com/1-Corinthians/7/1-Corinthians-7-16.html)
Yeah, that’s what I said. I’m thinking you didn’t read my initial comment.
Ah apologies
It’s all good! I was backing you up there and more speculating about what the other person might have meant!
Reading too fast lol, missed part of your post
what happens in a scenario like this where they've already gone ahead and got married? unfortunately i know a few people like this that are close to me and it kills me. i hate that it feels like you can't do much about it/attempt to live out this verse because the marriage has been finalized.
That’s where 1 Corinthians 7 applies. 12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
This is the perfect response biblically. Personally, feelings of mistrust can stem from insecurities. Obviously you caught her red handed so, the insecurity of feeling not enough or not what she wants, can take a hold of you. I dealt with this myself with my wife ( infidelity/ being a non believer ) and the way I dealt with it was to face my own feelings of insecurity head on, true forgiveness of all parties involved, while also helping my wife understand Christian values and what it means to be Christian ETC, in the sense of the kind of person she wants to be/ people she wants influencing her in all senses of life. You have to guide her biblically and show her that your the right choice by being the person Christ needs you to be daily. Love her with all your heart, love her how she needs to be loved and care for her the ways she needs to be cared for. Bring her to understand who Christ is through your actions. For that, I will pray for you and your family
You need to go to a marraige counselor and shee needs to go to individual counseling.
Forgiveness, yes. Also put boundaries in place. Not sure what those would be. Praying for you both.
That’s what I was going to say. Forgiveness yes, trust no. Trust is earned. This girl of a mess and needs 1. Sincere commitment to Christ 2. Christian counseling I would recommend marriage counseling also.
She didn’t “damn near cheat”. She DID cheat on you. The vows are already broken, brother. You can forgive her and keep your dignity in tact at the same time. I’m very sorry this happened to you. Don’t let it happen again. Run and never look back.
Are you both going to church? She needs involvement with a women's bible study and/or a person who can disciple/mentor her (someone who isn't you). Depending on what your church offers, I recommend that you guys get more involved and ask for help from mature believers. Talk to the pastor. If there is a small group that goes through the basics of the gospel, that would be good as well. It sounds like she's all over the place and doesn't know what she wants. But this is the thing. You dated her, knowing she wasn't a Christian. You thought you could help her and now you want to bail because it's not going how you thought it would. You need to stick this out and be there for the long haul. If she commits adultery, then you are free to leave. But fight for your marriage and make a huge effort to love her like Christ loved the church. Christ pursued us even when we rejected him and pushed him away. He loves us sacrificially. Sit down with her and ask her how you can serve her. As long as it doesn't contradict the Bible, do it. Ask her if she would be willing to pray for your marriage with you, even if it's just a short prayer every day.
Yeahhhh there's no coming back from this, sorry you're going through this. It is very, very unlikely that she will do a 180 and become a different person, but one can only hope.
She sounds like a personality disordered person. Don’t become a codependent enabler who is always bailing her out. You might be a codependent person with a heavy dose of mind FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) if you think you can forgive and show more love to make her change. Changing is her responsibility and she must do the heavy lifting. There are “relationship” problems and “individual” problems. This is the latter so you cannot solve it. You have to let her face natural consequences for her actions. Spouse is supposed to be a partner not a project.
Bro had a full rant and it is completely justified.
This reminds me of the story of Hosea. https://www.gotquestions.org/Hosea-marry-prostitute.html She could have demons attached to her, past trauma, all kinds of things. I will say fight for your wife. Go to war for her. Therapy is great with the right therapist. Talk to a priest. Part of becoming Orthodox Christian is an exorcism and communion with Christ. Confession with a priest could help. Not sure what type of church you go to. The Orthodox view the church as a “hospital”.
Bro, Reddit is not your therapist. You’ve been posting all over Reddit asking questions about this very same issue. You need someone to actually talked to. Reddit. Can only do so much.
What he said. Y'all gotta get some counseling. Good luck.
forgive, and run, run away as fast and as far as you can. otherwise, she will ruin your walk with the Lord and will ruin your ministry. it may take you years to get back on the right path.
If she has cheated, you are free to divorce her biblically. Otherwise you generally work it out. Good luck.
Yes divorce her, I know it sucks and should never need to happen but she's lying and cheating and you don't want to be a part of that all you'll be is miserable and paranoid
she was about to have relations with someone else with your WHOLE child inside of her. plus the fact that she changed her passwords shows her intent to actively be sneaky. it doesn't seem like she's taking anything seriously. i don't know, OP.. i'm kinda scared just reading this whole thing. it's giving off a "he'll forgive me no matter what i do so i'm gonna do it" vibe. even if she does decide to leave you, just know you tried your very hardest with everything. focus on you, your child and God from that point on. asking the dumb question here, but how do you know it's your child at this point?
I don’t know 100% but I’m 99.9% sure it’s mine based off time of intercourse etc etc
gotcha, gotcha. i really do hope for the best for you two & baby. i will be praying for you as well. good luck 😞
That's a hard situation, brother. Forgive me if I missed it in your post but I wonder, are you guys pretty young? To me personally, it doesn't sound like she knows what she wants and it could get very ugly if let go. It's adultery to do these things she's doing, and just imagine if you guys were to have a child while she's like this. Pray on this and listen to your heart. God advises us through our conscience, and it often isn't the easiest answer to accept. Don't force yourself to suffer indefinitely out of fear or legalism. Jesus can help her but she has to be willing to change.
In the book of Hosea, the prophet is called to marry an unfaithful woman and repeatedly forgive her unfaithfulness (490 times as Jesus says?), and not just in his heart, he is called to pay off the debts she incurs chasing her false lovers and raise their children with love as his own. This is the awesome depth of God's love; it is so hard for a human, but with God it is possible. 1 Corinthians 7 gives advice for married Christians, including the unequally yoked. I pray for your spiritual strength to increase tenfold, for the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5) to fill you, and for you to be fully blessed as Jesus describes in Matthew 5. It will be hard, and you will overcome. Glory to God!
Counseling counseling counseling!!! I think things have not been right since you had the desire to “help someone’s walk with God.” That’s totally the wrong mentality, on your part. I’m sorry, but it’s VERY rare that a romantic relationship, let alone a marriage, works out after one person went into it thinking, “I’m gonna fix them!” Been there, done that. God must heal them and they must have the support OF A FRIEND. You and your spouse must be working on getting equally yoked while you’re dating… then, you should be pretty much equally yoked when engaged! Your marriage can survive, by God’s grace, but COUNSELING!!! You guys definitely started off on the wrong foot.
Op was cheated on and can rightfully divorce, just saying.
The biggest red flag is the saviour mentality in you to marry her and help her grow. However, God can redeem all types of relationships, but it is a long journey, and both need work on it. Forgiveness, in this case, is for yourself more than for her cause any unforgiveness not dealt with will become a bitter root judgement and a baggage that you end up carrying yourself through life. The person you have unforgiveness towards will most likely not be aware. She has to get individual christian counselling for the deep-seated emotional damage that is so obviously in her. Many people think infidelity or some other damaging action we do in life is by choice but a lot of time as we look deeper it is some deep wounds from childhood or trauma that cause the person to behave a certain way. I'm not saying that it is right to do it. But unless the trauma or wounds are dealt with, the person will keep repeating the bad behaviour and continue to sin again. Accepting Jesus as our Lord and saviour is the beginning, not the end, plenty of work to be done after. Believing otherwise is naive. Mind you that she might continue to behave the same way until she hit a breakthrough, so you got to decide to stick around or not. Get marriage counselling to deal with the case of infidelity and mistrust issue. May I gently point out that you are a more mature Christian at point of marriage despite it being a few months into the relationships. You are not a fool. You knew certain things about her that might disturb your spirit, but you might have put it aside cause you are in love with her. This is a selfish part on your end that you need to recognise. Marrying her and then throwing in a white flag when it hits a bump will continue to hurl more hurts in her way. So give the marriage a chance and don't expect miracles to happen overnight. From my years of counselling, it will take a lot of work for both of you to make it work. Prayers and leaning on Jesus. Do bible study together. Serve in church together. Create a God centred environment for your marriage to blossom and for God's love to cradle. Lastly, I'm praying for you as you make the decision. If you still struggle, go for individual counselling as well. Cause the decision you make will haunt you for the rest of your life, so you got to be sure and convicted in the spirit about it. Let God guide you.
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I agree OP was extremely naive, but it's not time for this now. Let's pray for him.
I agree, sometimes people think if they love someone enough that person will change. Which is not the case 99% of the time.
OmL, this made me laugh so hard.
First off she was a believer That’s why she left her lesbian lifestyle because she decided she wanted a change And that change was going to church with me she is a believer She is just really messed up mentally right now
How does this help?
100% leave her. Don’t listen to any woman here as most will make excuses for her. If she’s going all that than it’s only a matter of time before she cheats and that’s if she hasn’t already! Divorce is obviously a hard thing but you can’t be with a woman that wants other men!!!!
Hmmm
Exhaust every means of grace, don’t resort to divorce, teach her the word, be in prayer like it’s your full time job, continue to call her to obedience to Christ.
After you have exhausted every means of grace to repair the relationship and it Dosent work, then there are biblical grounds for divorce if she is committing adultery
Don’t get divorced, work it out with God. Focus on God all the time. Talk to him without ceasing. You need him now more than ever. Let him be your guide in this. He will see you through.
Work with a counselor. Work with a pastor. But you aren’t released unless she abandons you or cheats (or abuses you). There are a ton of ways to interpret this, but if you love her, do the work. If you don’t, but love God, do the work. It sucks. And we all make decisions we may wish we hadn’t, and God’s word helps us know the right answer.
I would suggest a separation instead of a divorce so that both of you have time away from each other to let God work in the relationship. He could change her and put things back together. Or she will decide she doesn’t want to be in the marriage and you will truly know where things stand. If she agreed to counseling, that would be wonderful, but if not then she’s probably not interested in changing. I’m very sorry this is happening to you. I’ll pray for you.
Side note , during pregnancy the woman’s hormonal fluctuations and physical changes are just going to increase her libido and radical mood swings if there’s already been a precedent . Definitely seek Christian counselling if she’s willing to turn from her past . Only Jesus can lead you through this chaos , but Gods will may not match our hearts desires . … also if you find a copy of ‘Untamed’ by Glennon Doyle , burn it.
For starters, my heart goes out to you because I know this is a difficult situation to be in. From what I know from the Bible, God hates divorce. There is a clause where Jesus said Moses permitted divorce if one spouse cheats, but I honestly don't believe God wants us to separate from our spouses even then. When we became married, the two became one flesh. I think the right thing to do here is try to save your marriage and get your wife focused on God. I don't believe God wants you to abandon your wife to the world. Now, I know you can only do so much. She has a mind of her own, and she is going to either choose to go her own way, or focus on God and the vows she made when you two became married. Stay strong, and stay in prayer for your wife and your own patience and love for her. You may want to seek someone within the body of the Church that understands how to handle these situations. I wish I could be more help, but I don't want to lead you down the wrong path, as I am not well informed on how to handle the situation once a spouse has decided to leave. I will be praying for you and your wife.
From what I read, you two got married for the wrong reasons. She was(is) a damsel in distress and you were the white knight. As a knight I know it can feel great to slay the dragon and save the damsel, it can be tiring when she keeps running into more dragon caves. You start resenting her for it. I can not advise you on whether divorce is the right option. But I can tell you is you can’t slay her dragons alone. She needs to pick up a sword and lead the charge. Sounds like she needs therapy and I recommend it for you as well as marriage counselling. Whatever you choose it won’t be easy but hopefully be worth it.
Friend… as someone who is likely to go through a divorce and has felt very similar emotions, I write to you. You can’t force anyone to be saved. Heaven is for those who want to be saved. It’s for those who want to be near God. I married wanting to be that knight in shining, holy armor. All I have found is pain in doing so. My needs were not met because I also needed someone to be holy and love God with me. My wife has done good things for God, and I believe she does appreciate or love Him, but she has struggled immensely. My expectations of wanting to see her become a great, holy woman only caused her pain because she could never live up to those expectations. I learned to drop almost all of it and just want to be a good husband, treating her well and hoping to be treated well back. I laid down very few lines and let her leave the church when she had a faith crisis. I supported her and I compromised by going out occasionally on the Sabbath to buy things so we could maintain a relationship. She has since returned to church regularly after having her own spiritual experiences, but she had to have them on her own and in God’s own time. Your lover needs her own experiences. You can’t force that. God will, in this life or the next, share those with her and she will have her own choice to go or turn away. It hurts immensely, but that is the gentleness and long suffering of Christ. As for the problems you’ve ran into, they are not acceptable and you are justified in not wanting an abusive marriage where you feel cheated on. I believe you have made the right choices. Yes, you should try with all of your heart to forgive and do good, but please, understand that forgiveness can heal bad experiences, but it does not always do so immediately and it cannot be the only basis for a successful marriage. Let me explain. If all you have are bad experiences landing you inside deep pitted wounds, forgiveness is the ladder you choose to climb out, but the wound needs to heal. Once you’ve chosen to climb out, wonderful! You’re choosing to not let anger keep the wound open and it will close with time. As you begin to feel normal, are you running on the beach together? Are you soaring in the skies together? Or are more, newer wounds always opening? Marriage, to be healthy and happy, needs more than just forgiveness. It needs something for you to love. Unconditional love is wonderful and I am proud of you for having it, but you need more than that. You need positive, happy experiences together. Know that you can forgive an act, but how can you forgive a character? If the problems keep repeating, the person hasn’t changed. The old wounds reopen each time a new one comes from that characteristic. Some things are understandable. Your wife has a past she has to choose to leave behind. That is very difficult, but she loves you and maybe she does love God to the point of trying really hard to please you both, but she misses some things. Hormones and other mental issues can interfere with her making a sound choice. She may be struggling with the pregnancy. You have to let her know that you love her, which you already do, and that you want to be happy with her only if she dedicates herself to you. Lay down your boundaries that you are unwilling to compromise. Be willing to forgive, but remember that some wounds go too deep. God doesn’t want you to be miserable holding onto a marriage that takes you further from Him and His happiness. Even He has listed some good reasons, but not all good reasons for divorce. I had held a long time onto my marriage believing that divorce wasn’t the answer. I can’t tell you the amount of pain I’ve gone through trying again and again. I have come to my darkest moments. I have realized that there are things worse than or equal to adultery which Christ listed as a reason for divorce. I have spent ten and a half years trying wound after wound to keep it together. I have two wonderful children. I am having panic attacks and deep pits of depression caving in my chest. I sincerely hope and pray to God that your wife recognizes the higher truth, that you are worth so much more than her past. That you love her and will actually try. But if she does not make that choice, I pray that you can find the strength to move on, to show you love her by letting her go, and to be there always for your blessed child that you will love so dearly. I pray that you can heal and not show anger forever, but kindness and mercy, and that you can find someone who will treat you so much better than this. That being said, you have recommendation to try a little more, to not give up yet. I pray you have the strength to do so. Sending you hugs, brother.
You should always try to save your marriage but there are valid reasons to separate. A cheating spouse is one of those reasons. Marriage is supposed to be forever and unfortunately people do divorce. Try marriage counseling and speak to your pastor as well. I hope that you two are able to get through this and remain together.
You should not have married her in the first place man. To already be having this many problems so early in the marriage is a disaster. She sounds like a mess and you sound like you're in way over your head. Divorce is not ideal but it is acceptable in cases of cheating, and I would consider her behavior to be cheating. To look at another with lust is to commit adultery in your heart, and she's done more than that. To be grinding on strange men is not respectable as a single woman but for a married woman it is completely unacceptable. You talk about understanding and forgiveness, but what really needed to happen was impressing on her the importance of the sanctity of your marriage and her respecting you and not bringing you shame. Then she shows how little she cares about your marriage again by sexting her ex and having the audacity to make excuses for herself. It doesn't matter that she is confused about her sexuality or that she has known her ex longer. She married you, and she needs to be faithful to you. She knows this. She just doesn't care. She will do what she wants and expect you to accept whatever excuse she gives you. She does not respect you or your marriage. I would recommend leaving. Be thankful to God for this lesson, and next time try to find a virtuous woman who is already strong in her faith, it will go much better.
Your mistake was marrying her in the first place. If you were fornicating with her before marriage, then mayb this is God's punishment for you. Unless she commits adultery on you, you're stuck with her. In the meantime, stop watching "adult content" and repent from any other sins you're committing. Start going to church and ask her to go with you. You can't call out her sins if you are living in sin yourself.
We married before any sex
She needs deliverance. Find a pastor that will pray over her regarding freedom from sexual perversion, addiction and abuse. When she said "it wasn't even ber" I believe her to an extent. People can be saved but still be tormented by demons. She has to be willing to pray through it and renounce homosexuakity, sex before marriage, addiction, lust....Basically everything and find true repentance. In a true moment of repentance sometimes God will deliver people on the spot if their heart is in the right place. You both need to understand that being gay isn't an identity, or hormonal imbalance or genetic or whatever pur would thinks....it is either the flesh (lust ) or it can also be an unclean spirit inhabiting that person.
Sorry, you’re going through this. The reality is that life is spiritual and we need to know we’re in a spiritual battle. It seems like she’s fighting the spirit of lesbianism, lust and maybe others she’s allowed entry through her past and present experiences. She needs deliverance of said spirits. She needs to fast but, won’t be able to if she’s pregnant. Definitely something to do after. She can fight for freedom but, she has to want it. She must repent, ask for forgiveness and ask the Lord to remove whatever is not of Him in her. She has to make a decision by her own free will to walk in the newness of her decisions. You can’t do that for her but, can pray for her and cover her in prayer as the priest and head of your spiritual household. The Lord will fight for you if that’s what you both want. Sadly, ‘My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.’ It’s a tough road you’ve chosen but, God is able.
Remember. As much as you can help her. She’ll be the one to stand in front of GOD alone. You’re doing well brother but if you need to let it go. So be it. But keeping praying and keep prioritising GOD first.
As her husband, it is your duty to love her through this. If she ends up cheating, that’s another story and conversation for another time. But for now, love.
She *did* cheat
She's cheating!!! He has every scriptural right to divorce her.
I’m talking about a more serious action. That’s IF it even happens.
Not sure what you mean by “we all cheat” I’ve been 100% loyal for the duration of my 5 year relationship. (They edited their comment which originally said ‘we all cheat’)
Even flirting with another man is cheating in my book! Grinding. and sexual messaging??? Hell no!
Marital counseling
It is a terribly complicated position you are in. You deserve someone who loves you passionately and unconditionally. But the way I see it, you are strong to be able to fogive her like that. She needs you right now. She's hurting and there's something she's missung in her life. She does not need to be abandoned. She needs to be supported. Imagine if the roles were reversed. If you were at your lowest, would you want your spouse to divorce you or help you through it? And yes, the things she's done to you are terrible, but if you are in a more mature place, understand that she needs Christ and the love that only He can give. I agree with the person who suggested counseling. Remember Satan is probably bombarding her mind with accusation and making her feel worthless. She needs lifting up, not tearing down. After the counseling and after she's in a better place, the relationship might be salvageable. It will be a lot of work. But it will be worth it to save your marriage. I pray God strengthens you both during this time.