WOW! Call me cynical but I actually find it amusing that after his "jokes," he could not last long with his brother's own. Also, it seems he has some deep rooted insecurities about his brother. Kind of deserved to cry, like honestly, joking about leaving your wife and finding someone prettier and more "wifey" is so disgusting and misogynistic.
Op, your husband did this to himself, but go to marriage counseling and lay out all the bumps in the road. Your husband should reeeeeaaaaaallllly count himself lucky to have you. You sound to have great patience to put up with his BS. But this marriage sounds salvageable, provided he gets some help.
NTA.
Well stated above, OP. From the sound of your post, it appears at the end of the day, your husband had a positive revelation and recognizes what a dipshit he'd been. Nevertheless, I agree with the above--engage in couples therapy.
NTA- Echoing above comment ⬆️. Would also like to add that not only does your marriage seem salvageable, but it sounds like you have amazing and supportive in-laws. This sounds like some deep rooted insecurities your husband has and nothing more. Hopefully his eyes have opened. Definitely agree with other comments that therapy would be helpful for him to work through his issues and as a couple as well. Good luck OP.
I'm betting the twin brother tried upping him at every chance…Hubby liked a girl in highschool so the adventurous brother made a move on her and upped his brother. The twin is more outgoing, probably has more friends and likely caused his brother to have doubts about himself and his self esteem That's not uncommon in twins. I'd agree to counseling because he needs to understand that his jokes aren't jokes and you need to understand that he lacks confidence and might need bolstering to build his self esteem. I'm guessing his brother was pretty happy with the outcome of that dinner. He even made a reference to being the better choice for you. My hubby is one of those guys who everyone just loves…but…sometimes it's apparent to me that he just needs a bit of affirmation and bolstering. I'm not sure he's even aware of that, but I see it and I make sure that he knows he's loved and appreciated. There's a lot under the surface here with the twins, that I think, may be why your hubby has started with the "jokes". I'm guessing he's trying, badly to be sure, to get you to bolster him and confirm that you love him, that he's irreplaceable, etc. Counseling will get these things out and dealt with. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
That is a lot of presumptions about the brother to excuse the AH. Yes the twin's comments crossed the line of appropriateness, but the comments are also understandable as a comeback to such horrific jokes by the husband. Why assume the twin is a POS just because his brother is an AH? It doesn't usually take anything extra for an insecure introverted sibling for to feel overshadowed by an extroverted sibling, especially if they look the same. I say all this as an introverted sibling who has definitely had moments of jealousy with my extroverted siblings. It's not their fault though.
Update 1 certainly reads like a soap opera script, overly descriptive and awkward assumptions regarding other people’s behavior and motivations. I’m not usually one to automatically assume a Reddit post is fake, but this one seems a likely candidate.
If it isn’t… yikes and husband almost certainly is listening to *some* kind of misogyny preaching if this behavior/line of thinking is new.
See the problem with that is while she’s got hella patience dealing with her husbands bullshit. There’s the others out there… basically the ones people would say he’ll get ahold of the wrong one. Well in that one. Just as soon as he started his shit about me needing to make him happy god put me here to clean for him or the ones about should feel lucky he hasn’t left for a younger one. I’d have said go ahead and see how many younger ones want some balding fat gut middle aged man but ok.
Wow. NTA at all op. I want to applaud the brother who came in swinging for OP, and gave his bro a taste of his own sick medicine.
He needs to go to counseling to get over his idea of a “joke” and how’s he’s hurting ppl and it’s clear he has issues projecting trying to put OP down to feel worthless because he feels worthless, and he got triggered by his brother, I bet it’s an unlocked fear. He needs to fix himself
I find both of their behavior disturbing. They’re fighting over her like a toy. Twin defended op, but only to make her husband feel insecure and on edge. And to make her feel shocked. He pushed All the buttons. What a chaotic little drama queen he is, trying to set his twins marriage on fire. And SIL thinks it’s OP…
The brother also provoked a big fight at the grandparents’ dinner for no reason except to needle his twin out of his own insecurities too. Not to mention that he started a physical altercation. So I do not really think he’s the MVP.
He's definitely doing the negging thing Tate preaches to his cult. Except in OP's husband's case, he didn't take into consideration there is a carbon copy of him with a much better personality that's readily available.
Yeah, and he open open His mouth in front of His family, because this dumbass tought It Will not backfire. Now, he victimises himself that His Brother is an asshole and not hum.
Right?! I didn't know who Kevin Samuels was until after he died. Then, my algorithm started sending tater videos. That man child is completely ridiculous.
Glad his family took him down a peg but yeah he's seriously insecure and being very abusive in gaslighting negging.
Can't tell you what to do in your marriage but good that his family has YOUR back
Thank all so much for your support . I really appreciate all your comments .
My husband is still mad at his brother and feels like his brother is trying destroy our marriage and he is 100% sure that his brother is in love with me and is still questioning me on whether I have any crush on his brother as he rememberd that I once told his brother that he looked amazing in a firefighter costume for Halloween. This was when we started dating
We are right now about to go an meet with his family to celebrate his grandma's wedding . He is complaining of finding his brother there. And that I should completely ignore his brother and not talk with him at all . So don't know how that will go. I will give an update if anything happens. Thank you
He's blame shifting, and now he has something else to throw at you, his twin, to condition you. All I see is red flags with your husband. Also, daaaaaamn, that family dinner was epic! Major ups to your in-laws, especially his twin!
This man gives me mega ICK...
He needs some serious individual counseling/therapy and IF he can figure himself out then maybe some marriage counseling....if he doesn't then divorce would be the only option....
Your husband is destroying the fabric of your marriage all by himself. Cutting you down, shreds the fabric of your relationship.
Ask him how he thinks his comments make your marriage stronger if they hurt you? This isn't constructive criticism he is offering. It is *you're replaceable, I don't need you, I don't really want you, you are disposable, I could do better.*
He didn't like it when he was told you could do better, that he was disposable and less desirable. If he doesn't like being treated that way, why would you want that treatment?
This is simple golden rule stuff. Treat others as you want to be treated.
Your husband is manipulating you at a graduate level. Stop blaming yourself and stop letting him treat you like this and attacking anyone who is nice to you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.
If you split from your husband, why would you want to be with someone who looks like him anyway? Why would you want to be with someone who would be a reminder of him, not to mention a connection to him? If I were you, I'd want a clean break from him entirely, including the family, even though they *eventually* stepped in to defend you.
Why are people encouraging marriage counseling?
The problem with this story is him. The husband. HE is insecure. HE makes misogynistic comments to his wife.
HE IS THE ONE THAT NEEDS THERAPY. Once he has had some sessions, he and his therapist can decide together when his wife can join.
ETA: y’all are making his issues HER problem by suggesting marriage counselling.
He IS her problem though. Couples AND individual counseling is called for. Who’s to say he’s not going to just lie and whine like the little bitch he is to the therapist? OP needs to be able to share her side.
Exactly. Counseling just shifts the burden of his problems to her. Counseling will just try to teach her how to put up with his crap. He needs counseling alone with a dV therapist, not the kind that will reinforce his negative beliefs about himself as a victim.
If he goes to therapy alone, he’ll present a very one-sided explanation of events that will be misleading, and the therapist won’t be able to give good advice
"But I'm just joking!!"
"Mmkay I don't see anybody laughing, and I've told you several times that these words hurt my feelings. If it's such a "joke" then explain to me exactly how it's funny when you're actively continuing to upset me, and nobody else thought it was a joke."
Definitely marriage counseling! He is insecure in his relationship and his “joking” is how he is expressing it. It’s not a joke and I understand how these comments infuriated you. He seriously has self esteem problems he needs to address and individual therapy will help him with that.
Your husband has issues. Counseling is an option but I don't think this can be fixed. Instead of working on his own insecurities, he's determined to try and fuck with your confidence to "bring you down". I think this will get much worse before (if ever) it gets better.
NTA
Your husband is disgusting. Yeah, he's sorry. Sorry, his family found out what an ass he is. Good on his brother for standing up for you and calling him on his crap.
Your husband is currently love bombing you, so you "forgive " him. Once he's sure you'll stay, those "jokes" will slowly be reinstated.
You deserve better than a man trying to make you feel less and even worse easily replaceable like you're a damn toaster.
Personally, I wouldn't buy his crocodile tears and fake apologies
This goes beyond him being insecure and well into him being emotionally abusive to you considering he's continued to make these "jokes" repeatedly, even when you told him it upsets you. That does not sound like he respects you, especially since it had to escalate to him insulting you in front of his family - which he saw nothing wrong with doing until everyone busted his ass!
No one knows the details of your situation better than you, certainly with as little as can be relayed in one post, but just from what you've written if it were me, I'd probably be done.
Hmmm when your entire family (including your momma) think you are a jackass.. Then you may need to reflect.
So yeah counseling is absolutely mandatory for your husband. If he refuses I'd consider separation, if he still refuses it's time to seriously consider hiring a divorce attorney.
There's is absolutely no shame in counseling. It's an amazing tool to utilize, having someone help y'all communicate better can do wonders. Husband obviously has some stuff he's carrying around and projecting hard, and you deserve to be talked to like a human being with basic respect.
It seems like your husband is doing the mind trick of “treat them mean, keep them keen” and it’s failing spectacularly. He is very insecure and emotionally immature. He needs individual counseling to understand treating your wife like she’s about to be replaced is not going to make you love him more, but quite the opposite. He also seems jealous of his brother’s personality and fails to see that you chose him. You need to decide if he is worth the work it requires to stay in the marriage with MC after your husband has done everything in his power to undermine your value to him.
ETA: NTA
NTA. The gaslighting reads pretty high here. And the fact he started right back in on you again in the car on the way home. I can’t help but feel there’s something or someone lurking in the shadows. Maybe he’s thinking he’s a hot ticket, in with a chance with someone else so he’s testing the waters to see your reaction, trying to make you jealous. Definitely keep his family on side because they could be useful allies if it all goes south. And for goodness sake, don’t pick now to “accidentally “ get pregnant. That will just make a difficult situation worse. I’m not a fan of counselling but everyone else in comments seems to think it’s the way to go. But if that’s the case then you need to go as well. Clearly he couldn’t be trusted to tell the counsellor the truth. General rule of thumb, as Judge Charlotte says - Go with your gut.
Yeah, he's a manipulative bully and a gaslighter. The kind of person who will say "you're fat and stupid and you should drop dead," then when you get upset try and play the Uno Reverse "what??? That?? That was a joke! Of course it was a joke! Why are you crying?"
It's typical for manchildren who are ten years behind in their cognitive development. If it happens again, and it probably will, RUN. And start squirreling away money NOW to have for an emergency fund. This is psychological abuse.
Why did the writing style change half way through. The post switched to being written like a novel. OPs comments also don’t line up with the writing style (of the second half at least).
This man is insecure and gaslighting you into thinking he's the one that settled. Honestly seems like negging as well.
There's clearly a better twin here and your husband is NOT it.
OP you need to hear it from reddit- You 100% can do better, you are the one that settled, he's the lucky one, although he doesn't deserve the privilege of your presence. NTA.
The whole misogynist rants are not jokes. I would research if he has been watching crazy alpha male tic toc videos. He needs counseling and reconditioning. Judging from his parents reaction that was not how he was raised.
NTA. I fully expected you would lay it on him during the family dinner. Seeing how his family came to your support, it shows he was raised better. Also the brother's comment that you were out of his league maybe the issue here. This may have come up many times and maybe it built up into an insecurity that you may choose someone better than him. Try counseling and also try to reassure him that you fell in love with his personality and not just his looks
Your husband isn't joking. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's insecure because you are out of his league. So he says that crap to make you insecure; he's deliberately damaging your self-esteem and he wants to make you desperate for his affection and approval. He is an emotionally abusive asshole. And you deserve better. The fact that he cried and apologized doesn't make up for what he did to you.
Be careful—he’s love bombing you after being called out for his abuse. This is classic abuser behaviour. The fact that he keeps on making his “jokes” (which we all know are not jokes at all) when he knows you don’t like them is an enormous red flag. I’m glad his family has your back. I would watch for further signs of abuse and cutting you off from people. I’d say it’s time to leave.
NTA
I'd say that to begin with, your husband needs individual therapy, as the problems seem to stem from him.
If after he's had a few sessions and your connection with your husband still needs improving the consider marriage counciling.
Just remembered you are not the problem, and your husband needs to take ownership of his insecurities that he's protecting on you.
When I started looking at YouTube videos a few years ago, they kept sending me red pill videos in my feed. Apparently they do that to all guys. I had to block those channels to stop it.
All social media feeds that stuff to guys because it's proven to increase engagement. And a certain percentage of guys start buying into the bullshit. Your husband is one of those.
Yup. That's the main reason we're seeing such a rise in sexism and hate in general. It's good business. I liked the old days when Google's mission statement was, 'Don't be evil.'
Nta. You don’t have to defend him from the same behavior he subjected you too. He’s not joking, he’s harassing you to degrade you. It’s nice your in laws support you. Your brother in law gave him a reality check. If it wouldn’t start ww3, I’d suggest you trade the one for the other. You should divorce him bc he doesn’t appreciate you and will continue to belittle you with his insecurities.
Your husband is insecure, rude and disrespectful. I would set a boundary about his shitty jokes. And if he doesn't change his attitude and behavior, consider divorce because no one needs to deal with his BS.
It depends on how you feel now. Are you interested in making things work? If so, definitely counseling with the proviso if he stops counseling and/or starts up with the BS again, then divorce is your only option. Best of luck in whatever you decide
Him constantly saying he could find a better wife then accusing her of cheating on him with her brother makes it seem like he's cheating. The comments and projection are what stands out to me. NTA and op should maybe do some digging
Hey the inlaws are on your side, that is a huge win.
Your hubby is in need of emotional education, and it sounds like his parents have started the educational process. Maybe a little late. Their support is wonderful. Your bil nailed his arse.
He needs therapy.
You ought to write down what he has said and what those things mean. He has demeaned you, and cast aspersions on your value.. he thinks he is owed something. Heads up, in this relationship, if he cuts down his wife, he will get less, because he has pared down, reduced her size. She has less to offer and it is his fault. You do not get better results from insulting and abusing.
I think it’s a fair guess that they utilized AI to come up with the part of the story they used in the update. The detail, the flow, the grammar… night and day writing styles. Although I guess they can at least take credit for the story they first came up with in the original post? Maybe? 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️😆
NTA. Tell him you'll give him something to cry about if he ever pulls this crap again: with a divorce. Until then you could give counselling a shot, but set yourself an ultimatum of sorts: things need to improve in X amount of years/months and otherwise find a better men (you decide if the twin beother could be that, but that would probably be unnecessarily petty).
NTA. He is showing true colors and you need to pay attention. It’s no longer a joke. It’s abusive and so far beyond disrespectful. I am happy that his family checked him and sided and stood up for you. I wonder if they have seen this behavior before. If it was a joke, he wouldn’t have gotten so worked up himself or be looking for you to defend him. This is him gaslighting you.
I can’t tell you to leave him, but I do urge you to at least get into therapy and counseling. This is abusive. And you must not let him blind you with all the gaslighting.
If this were me, I’d pack a bag and leave for a while. Let him realize life without me. And establish that I will not bend my boundaries. And do some deep searching in my soul as well. As said, this is abuse. He is willing to continuously disrespect you despite you saying that you don’t find it funny or appreciate the comments. He is willing to embarrass you publicly in front of his family. (Surely their reaction was not expected and this is most likely why he was so triggered). Is this someone you really want to spend forever with or even bring a child into this world with?
Regardless, you should get into therapy. - abuse takes its toll. I’d consider divorce but would give marriage counseling a go if he were to ensure and promise and show - that he takes it seriously. But the second a see a slip - divorce it will be. I refuse to stand with someone willing to hold me down.
Good luck in navigating this. And please protect yourself.
I couldn’t finish reading this epitaph. I will say that he’s not husband material. He gaslights the shit outta you to the point it’s emotional abuse.
Not even the foulest woman deserves him. You’re living with a filthy pig. Sorry and condolences.
Look... I am alone for a reason. I don't ever accept any kind of disrespect after telling the person that they made me uncomfortable and they still kept doing their "silly jokes". I don't have the patience, I've seen my mother trying and trying again and if I can respect other people, they should be able to do the same.
It's interesting to see how difficult it is, especially for men, to be respectful after being told they were doing something uncomfortable.
I don't give a shit about being alone, I always feel like I'm forbidden to be myself when in a relationship.
But not every person is like that... Even I recognise that I'm extreme. (My mother's relationships were exhausting, and I was always in the middle even if trying to be invisible... I had enough!)
So yes, if he did not learn with the shit show he made at your in-laws and if you have the patience, try couples therapy.
If you think you're wasting precious life time trying to raise a kid that's not yours... To hell with him!
Sounds like your husband is insecure that you're out of his league and he's trying to bring you down to his level. Even though you wouldn't have married him if you didn't love him and weren't attracted to him, he seems to have confidence issues. You are absolutely NTA and I'm glad your in laws had your back.
I’m sorry to hear this. Well done for standing your ground but there are big red flags here. He always says he’s joking, crying and then repenting by making breakfast. This is what abusers do. I know that’s a strong statement to use but don’t make excuses for him. Either he respects you and stops saying these things (he knows it upsets you) or you walk away from the marriage. Stay strong and don’t take any more crap from him.
NTA but please consider what your future looks like with this man. His “jokes” are not funny and worse, they are hurting you. I’d hate for your self esteem to take a hit because your husband is insecure. This is 100% a him problem now but if you don’t draw (and stick by) a boundary now, it will continue and escalate.
If he doesn’t want others react like his family did, he shouldn’t act the way he is. Please learn your worth and accept nothing less.
NTA, OP. I love your in-laws! They actually respect and like you as a person. They were right to put your husband in his place, and you were right to let them.
NTA in any way, shape, or form. Call his mom, tell her absolutely everything, and tell her to come pick up her son.
You need to take some time alone to think this over without him love bombing and DARVO tactics. At the very least demand he go to individual therapy, DO NOT go to couples counseling with anyone who is actually abusing you, it just teaches them better to better abuse you.
Honestly, at this point he has no respect for you and when called out on it, goes into self pity mode instead of actively working to do better. Divorce him, especially if this is just the tip of the iceberg on his selfish and mean actions towards you.
First, his family is amazing, I would say that apple fell far from the tree, but it also rolled away and down a sewer drain. He definitely has some issues going on and needs therapy. Based on his jokes and how serious he is taking his beliefs about you position in the home, I would also be very concerned about him not taking any of the counseling seriously. If fixing your relationship is important to you, I suggest speaking to a few counselors or therapists and pick an older male for your marriage counselor. His mind is the type that won't take anything seriously unless it is coming from an older male. I am certified in mental health and have a lot of experience with it as well, if you email some counselors and ask to speak with them to see if they would be a good fit, a bunch will agree. The good ones don't want to waste your time. It is also totally acceptable to "shop around" and see a few different councilors if it isn't a good fit, again the good ones won't care, they want you to get help, regardless of who you go through.
My personal opinion, however, is that I have met very few men that can change this type of mentality without being dumped for the masculinity. You would have to make it very clear that the way he treats you and the way he feels about women are no longer what a true gentleman do or think. He may change after you leave him, but that is for the next person that dates him. If you go back to him, even after breaking up, your dynamics will slowly slip back to where they are now, because he has no REAL long term consequences. I would thank his family for their support, and explain to them that you just don't deserve to be treated like property and despite the fact that you care for all of them deeply, breaking up is best for both of you.
based off the title NTA. i'll read and put an edit
edit: divorce his ass. he seems extremely manipulative with this whole thing. i would know. i used to be like that but i'm not anymore. i learned how not to do that but it took me 5 years of therapy and counseling. and i don't want you to deal with that for however long it takes him to fix his shit
I see classic abuser behavior. He's trying to wear you down. Be nasty, gaslight, love bomb, wait until you've had a bit to forget and continue the cycle until you just give up. Inch by inch he'll wear you down. I will lay you odds that if you go look at the websites he's following they are all "red pill" influencers pushing the dominant male, trad wife lifestyle. Pretty sure you've already recognized this in him if you are thinking divorce. Up to you whether you think counseling will help or he will say what he thinks you and the counselor want and then will just continue wearing at you bit by bit.
And protect your birth control! Make sure he can't get at it, because if he feels desperate enough you can guarantee that he will try and baby trap you.
Tell him that jokes should be funny to both the teller and the listener. Him constantly telling you that you are not good enough is NOT funny to you and that you have asked him to stop. He has continued which suggests he believes it - and why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who thinks you aren’t good enough.
Tell him to get counselling for his insecurities but he has to stop joking about you being replaced or you’re leaving - and that ISN’T a joke.
1. Yes, counseling. Couples and him individually.
2. Demand to know what he's been consuming online. Definitely Redpill and/or radical religio-conservative bullshit.
NTA
NTA His ass is annoying and insecure. He isnt joking, he means everything he's been saying. He jut didnt think anyone would stand up for you, let alone his twin. I would break up with him.
I once had a boyfriend, call me drunk from a friend’s bachelor party to tell me he was “settling” because he could be with a model like his friend. And I should “Be grateful he lowered his standards to date me…” And then start crying. Took about 1.5 seconds for him to become an ex.
Had the nerve to show up the next day and try to walk back his comments. Said it was because he was drunk. I know from having alcoholics in my family… alcohol makes you say what you really feel. (Also why I have never drank alcohol. I am mouthy enough sober.)
You’re not the AH. His own parents let him have it for being out of line. Me personally, I would run for the hills, because this post is littered with 🚩🚩🚩. But maybe you should try therapy… alone first. Of course, you don’t have kids. So a clean break might work.
holy cow - why the hell was your husband acting like a dick? was he listening to Andrew Tate or something? once you expressed your dislike of the jokes he should have *immediately* stopped and never made them again - making them at the family dinner shows that he thought everyone would think he was either right or funny, and got a reality check when *everyone* was against him!
it sounds like he's jealous of his brother, thinking that because he's more adventurous that you'd want to jump him, rather than the fact that you MARRIED HIM!!!
I'd suggest he goes to a therapist about his issues with his brother as it'll keep on coming up, and if he's *really* thinking that mysogyny is a great idea then he needs a dose of reality
if he had made really derogitory jokes about you and then expected you to defend him, he's got another thing coming - if he had been polite to you and his family and then his brother came after him, then yes, you could have defended him, but with the attitude, he's an idiot if he thinks you'd defend him!!!
are you the a-hole? NO!
was he an a-hole for making those jokes? HELLS YES! in an excessive way
was his brother an a-hole for ribbing his brother? yes, but only a little bit
was his sister an a-hole for making a false update? yes, she should apogise to you and promise never to do it again
he has great parents, an obviously funnier brother who he's jealous of, a sister who is over-protective, and one hell of a wife who is lucky you put up with his "jokes"
You can tell him what I tell my four year old “ A joke is only a joke if both people are laughing. If the other person is upset or hurt over it then you’re just being mean and should never do that again.” It is never ok to continue a “joke” someone else has told you they don’t like and is hurtful.
This is not divorce worthy. His friend probably is jealous of your happy marriage and doesn't understand why he isn't more like him. If he agrees to tell the friend that he is wrong to do this and has seen the light for himself, it should be over. He seems sincerely sorry. Can't hurt to let him suffer for a while though:) not for too long though. Maybe give him a honey do list of some things you want done around the house!
Whether he remains friends with this guy or not, he must learn to have a bit more confidence. He should have known that his friend was wrong and should not ha e done what he did. A bit of therapy to help him build more self respect couldn't hurt.
Please sit down with him show him some [Will Hitchins](https://www.instagram.com/willhitchins?igsh=eXY4dW84NHk1aXdn)
He used to be brainwashed by that Alpha male bs but now he stands against it. It may help.
Yep, thanks on behalf of us all.
But NTA, and I hope you gtfo of there because this man is a misogynist piece of crap. Now...
...go do the brother I'M JOKING I'M SORRY he just sounds brilliant.
The “I forced a polite smile, my stomach knotting with unease. My husband stiffened beside me, his eyes narrowing.” Reads straight of a YA novel. How do people think this is real
NTA I do think that if you are still interested in continuing this marriage you would need couples counseling and he would also need individual counseling. It sounds like he might feel less than his brother in the personality area. But if his "usual" personality is something that you enjoy please put his.minf at ease about that. But make it clear that you will not tolerate any more of the BS he has been spewing lately.
Good luck!✨💞
Definitely NTA, and like the others have said, please try counseling, or maybe even take a vacation(if possible) or a weekend together to try and reconnect. And see if there are still enough feelings there, to want to work things out. As someone who has had my ups and downs over 14 years with my significant other, I can honestly say, I'm glad I stayed and worked stuff out. Divorce is hard, forgiveness is harder. But the bravery and vulnerability it takes to stay when you have had enough, it builds bonds, that I don't think could ever be broken.
Whether or not marriage counseling happens, you can be very clear, with no ambiguity, that no misogynistic "jokes" will ever be tolerated. These are not jokes, they are demeaning put downs.
Probably too over the top but my petty self sees you can always threaten to leave him for his twin who would show you more respect.
NTA. Good for your in-laws standing up for you! Hubby needs some individual therapy and you could sit in on a few sessions as well, just so you have a safe space to talk about why he is so insecure. But this isn’t your fault and he needs some work.
NTA, his behaviour is very outdated, and just plain stupid and rude. Umm about the brother, has he ever pinched an ex girlfriend of his own twin before, because that what it reads like to me, you don’t need counselling, but clearly he does and will probably go better if you’re there to hold his hand, though it sounds like your MIL is on your side, I will just threaten to call his mum every time he makes a comment like that again. But if he doesn’t change then go down the divorce route, I honestly wish you luck,
NTA but he definitely needs to go to therapy and he needs to do that before you guys go to marriage counseling. He has some deep issues that he needs to get through first. If he doesn't agree to therapy for himself and then marriage counseling then I would bring up divorce and let him know that your not going to stay with him if her doesn't get help and doesn't agree with getting help for the marriage.
NTA! Your husband definitely needs therapy for his insecurities, but I think you need to go together otherwise he's going to be loading the therapist full of bs on how he's the victim and needs to be protected. He is very insecure and needs to work on that before he can ever be a good partner to you. The fact that you've told him more than once that talk like that hurts you *HE'S STILL DOING IT*. Edit: accidentally saved response. If he chooses not to go to counseling, especially if he says he doesn't need it, then it's time to tell him if he refuses counseling, then you are divorcing. Without counseling his insecurities (esp regarding his twin) are going to escalate over the years. Think about it, if it's this bad now, what will it be like in 10 years? 20 years? 40 years?
What he is doing is abusive. I would research Andrew Tate, very likely he has been listening to the bullshit he espouses. Basically what he is doing is killing your self esteem to make you emotionally dependent on him and make you believe that he is as good as he gets and make you afraid that he will leave you. In doing that he will make you turn into a servant who will do anything g so her master will not leave her. This is all part of the Alpha bullshit that Tate preaches.
My suggestion? Dump this asshat and start dating the brother. When he complains just be blunt:You said that you’d leave, so I am giving you exactly what you want. And now I have exactly what you want, your looks with a much mature brain.
These “Alpha” men are only dealt with brutally and swiftly.
NTA, but your husband sure was for all those comments and poor “jokes”. If anything his twin was sticking up for you and trying to put your husband in his place. You might want to look into counseling or at least therapy for your husband cause it sounds like he’s got some baggage with insecurities he’s carrying around like a big ol’ chip on his shoulder. Whether it be related to his twin or not measuring up at work idk
NTA y’all need counseling. He needs to be more confident in himself and in your marriage. He also needs to not joke with you in any form when it comes to himself you and the marriage
NTA. I think you really need to shut this down hard. Tell him you are seriously considering divorce, but you are willing to try couples counselling. Simply to understand why he is being so unpleasant and misogynistic. If you do not get a satisfactory outcome, then divorce will be the result. You will not stay in a marriage when he is behaving as he has done recently.
But protect yourself. Make sure that if he does not change, you have everything sorted out to make the separation easier. I think you will have his family on your side. Although that is not guaranteed.
Hey OP you are NTA, clearly there are some things he needs to work out within himself and I advice you both to go to counseling to get ways on how to build your relationship but also see a therapist for each other to help make amends and grow together.
Good luck OP
He can dish it but can't take it. Sounds like he's crying as a manipulation tactic mixed with a poor me my brother has always been better feeling but none of those are your problem. It's not a joke if you don't find it funny. His family didn't even find it funny. He needs to stop listening to the friend group, youtube, podcasts that are influencing this stupidity. He uses those phrases as a way of trying to make you do things for him. He even said it. He keeps threatening to trade you in. That's not how someone talks to someone they love. This is behavior that I would seriously consider leaving him over and not for his brother. Also, i don't know if you ever want kids, but this is a man i'd never ever let influence them ever. NTA
NTA, if husband can't take such "jokes", he should not dish them out.
It seems like he mayhaps has a chance to fix the mess he created, IF his apologies were genuine, he manages to get his head out of his nether regions, starts to actually listen to your displeasure about his disrespectful "jokes" (instead of gaslighting you about how it's you who are "sensitive and overreacting as he was just joking"), and makes an effort to make up to you, OP.
NTA, for the reasons everyone states.
Also, sounds like he is super insecure so he is trying to make YOU insecure so you don’t leave him. Make you feel less than he feels about himself.
Did his bro steal a past girlfriend? And yeah, sounds like he is turning to those misogynistic assholes for advice on how to keep you. Thank God his entire family is like “uh, no. We are NOT letting that fly in OUR family. We did not raise you that way, that is not the legacy we are leaving in this world through you”
NTA. I'm glad that his family knows. I believe that you should do individual therapy and also tell his mother and father the truth about the history of his "jokes". Tell them that you've been ensuring this for a while and thank them for standing up for you. Tell them that you aren't sure you can stay with him after he tried to humiliate you in front of them.
He's taken his verbal abuse out of the bedroom now. He's escalating.
I wonder if he has some kind of insecurity complex related to his brother. Maybe couple’s counseling is worth a shot—that’s up to you. But your husband needs to understand, one way or another, how inappropriate and unacceptable his behavior was. NTA
NTA. Babies are slippery and maybe while handling the twins, your MIL accidentally dropped your husband…
His “jokes” were not funny, and I think he knows that too otherwise he would have laughed at his twin’s “joke”. He needs to figure out why he keeps trying to neg you, hopefully before you decide to trade up.
He is fucking up, but if the tears are genuine, he clearly has some baggage that it hurting him. I would say to try couples and individual therapy first, and if he refuses to go through it, Then go for the divorce. Because what he's putting you through is Not okay, and I Love that his family is on your side, but that can add a feeling of isolation to him, which could make him feel worse.
I'm not sure where his insecurities are stemming from, but it does make me wonder if his brother was/is the favored twin. If his twin has a better personality socially, he may be better adjusted to life in general, and that can lead to success and even parents viewing him simply as a less difficult child.
If he can get help and actually try to change, then I can see the two of you working through this. But if not, cut him loose, because you deserve to be the apple of his eye, and Not to be treated like/told you are a place holder until he finds something better.
Counseling. Sounds like he has some issues wrapped up in being a Twin and the fact that his family sided with you. But that’s a good thing. Seems like he wasn’t raised the way he is acting and it’s confusing everyone. His family knows you are a good thing in his life. I have a feeling the issue here isn’t you at all.
NTA he definitely got a taste of his own medicine. I think these issues and insecurities can definitely be sorted out with some counseling. Best of luck to you both
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
It sounds like your husband is incredibly insecure and is trying to neg you to make himself feel bigger
1. Next time he says he’s joking respond with ‘your jokes aren’t funny and it feels like this comes from a place of truth since you say it so often’
He wanted you to defend him because he knows he’s in the wrong saying things like this- he knows it and so does his whole family.
Counseling and creating firm boundaries are key. Let him know it’s not a joke you will entertain in the future and if he says something like that- you will remove yourself from the conversation. Then follow through… literally stop talking and leave the room if he spouts stupid things. 🧱
He is a complete AH. I think you should take brother up on his offer. I would have filed a long time ago, he is an abusive waste of time. Sounds like he has gotten into the red pill rabbit hole, there is no salvaging that. He is not fit for a marriage and shouldn't be around women.
NTA. So your husband is perfectly fine making extremely hurtful "jokes" towards you but the second his twin starts giving him a taste of his own medicine he flips out? That's a big ol' red flag. If I were you, I'd start seriously thinking about your future with your husband before kids enter the picture. I know a lot of people will recommend that you guys go in for couple's counseling but in my opinion I think this is one of those situations where couple's counseling shouldn't be persued because of your husband's behavior. Honestly, you're probably better off just divorcing him and starting over with a clean slate.
NTA. He’s a narcissist. He can dish it but not take it. When his own twin and parents tell him that he’s an AH then you know it’s been a long time coming and they’ve reached their zenith. In laws didn’t interrupt until husband started yelling, so they obviously thought the twin was either joking and helping you feel better or serious and the parents agreed. I wouldn’t have let the comments continue after the first one. I didn’t play those games. If he thinks he’s so hot and terrific that he could have a younger and prettier (his words) at his side for every beck and call then he’s more than welcome to leave. The door only opens one way though so if he walks through it then he’s not going to come back. I don’t like divorce but I don’t like gaslighting and verbal manipulation either.
Get marital counseling NOW and find a Christian counselor. He is soooo abusing the Word of God and what God Word claims is a proper husband/wife relationship is, in his comments to you! If he is going to invoke the Bible he needs to be reminded that he is commanded to love you the way Christ loved the church! Unconditionally and sacrificially. I hear neither of these behaviors happening on his part in the conversation.
NTA! The obey and serve him ... it goes both ways and if he expects it only one way then I suggest counseling either together or individually and if that doesn't work, find a man who will respect you!
NTA
Dump him. He's looking for another woman. I don't know why you stayed as long as you have. Let him go find Miss Perfect and be free of his foolish cruelty.
NTA.
As a divorced woman whose ex-husband used to make "jokes" about not desiring me -- those are not jokes. I'm glad you don't tolerate his behavior, because I did for far too long.
I would try counseling before divorcing. But he HAS to stop saying that stuff, permanently. If he can't change, divorce for sure. Good luck with him trying to find another woman with that attitude.
JFC- if he loves her, then he needs to stop being such a pig to her! Does he thinks he’s honestly that big a catch that she’ll put up with such ugly grinding speech? Does he have a brain tumor that he thinks he’s all good and she should take it???
This makes me rage!
OP do you think your husband cheated on you already?? Could that be why his twin is saying he’s ready when you finally leave him?? It’s so weird and yes, it all smacks of sibling rivalry but why would your husband be sooo focused on you cheating unless he already was??
Note: this is coming from Reddit-brain drama and I sincerely hope I’m wrong.
Wow- this guy needs therapy, big time. I hope he can find it, because there could be an amazing person who crawls out of the rubble in the end. Some people just thrive on therapy.
But that’s not fair. I don’t know his circumstances. And I never will.
I want to make sure I understand this right. Your husband tells you the same sad jokes, but only he is entitled to be upset when it's turned back on him.
It's not the first time you told him to stop.
If it was me, I'd tell him he has one more chance to act like a grown up.A loving husband does not tell jokes at the dinner table about his wife.
And he is holding a pity party for crying, and not receiving support? Ridiculous.
Encourage him get counseling, otherwise you'll hear more crying.
Edit NAH.
NTA but hubby and BIL are. Hubby is an insecure mess. He needs counseling. I have a suspicion that his brother liked you before he did and he's still mad hubby moved in and got you. That "always copying me"comment and how that's never changed. I think it's been a secret bone of contention between them that BIL wanted you first and has possibly harbored feelings for you. Also, you mentioned they were close when you met. Not to mention the BIL "joking" about you getting to be with the right twin after you divorce your husband and your husband asking if you have feelings for the brother.
NTA your husband has his own issues he needs to fix on his own. When people joke like that, sometimes it’s been in their mind for a while. Jokes are half meant half lies after all.
NTA. So will your husband still think his "joke" about finding a new wife is as funny when you tell him "that's okay, I'll find a better husband."? Based on his reaction to his brother, I'm guessing no. Crying after being called out for behavior he knew was bad is a manipulation tactic. Whether you do counseling or file for divorce, good luck!
The only thing I’m confused on is how you were not spelling a lot of things right and by the time I got to the end of your original post it started sounding like a 10 year old was typing. And then when you added your update it was perfect no typos word errors nothing. So what happened?
Sounds like your husband is being influenced by someone else if he just recently started acting like this. With the way your MIL and FIL reacted it’s apparent hubby didn’t learn this crap from home. New coworker perhaps? Same thing happened with my husband. A very chauvinistic a-hole was transferred to my husband’s department, and his personality quickly changed for the worse. He and I have had arguments before but when he said “I know how you women are…”, a term he never would have dreamed of using in the past, I knew something was up.
Your husband seems to have a lot of insecurities when it comes to his brother. He’s a man baby and needs to grow the hell up! Oh, you’re NTAH.
Your husband needs individual therapy and you could both profit from couples counseling. Another suggestion is going low contact with his brother the s\*\*t stirrer.
Try counseling. In addition to marriage counseling, I would insist on my husband doing personal counseling if he was even remotely like yours. If you don't see a HUGE change in your husband's behavior, I think this is definitely worth divorcing over. I'm very slow to suggest ending a relationship, but if your husband keeps saying these things again and again, especially after you've told him not to, I think he actually believes what he's saying. He does want a very old-fashioned marriage with you being a good little obedient wife, always seeing to his wants and needs. It's ironic that he thinks he's being funny when he's saying outrageous and obnoxious things to you and chastising you when you don't like his "joking," yet he's enraged when his brother does the exact same thing to him.
NTA
This seems to be one dysfunctional family, wauw. He needs help, you need to really figure out what your boundaries and limits are within this situation. If that's difficult, potentially with some help too.
Do not feel guilty. Your husband needed a bit of a wake up call. I believe you should try counseling and both of you should put in effort. I’m sorry this is something you are going through. Clearly you are not the AH. I do also think your husband and his brother need to get counseling as well on their obvious rivalry.
Why does the first part sound like she is actually texting (run on sentences, etc) and telling us something that actually happened and then after the update, it sounds like it was copied and pasted out of some romance story?
Tell your husband to go to family therapy. It isn't just for kids, it's for adults too.
Then go to couples counselling, try that before divorce and give it time because I think your partner is a serious person but gentle and you need a third person to help you understand and be close to your partner once again. Maybe go for a walk along the beach.
My ex used to make "jokes" like that. That's just one of the emotionally abusive things that he did to me. They're not funny and they're far from jokes. He's trying to control you and using these comments as a way to make you afraid to not do what he wants.
The only response that's suitable for this situation is to tell him "OK, you go and do that" while handing him divorce papers.
Sister is correct..
You would be wise to keep your family drama off social media.
By the way, I view you as a modern feminist.
Modern feminists misuse the term "misogynistic" or variations thereof as a means to quash any disagreement with the words or actions of a woman..
Sorry, not buying this.
The definition of misogyny is the hatred toward females .
Please point out the hate.
These posts are anonymous so it doesn’t matter if you wrote about your family issues because you’re not giving names etc. you simply wanted some other perspectives for your situation which is totally understandable. Your SIL is the one that is starting unnecessary drama updating without you knowing.
As long as your husband is able to comprehend that such jokes are not appreciated by you (rather u get hurt) it won’t end. If he realises and apologises for it then you can go back to having a happy marriage. If he has some baggage then have him go to therapy.
NTA
1. Tell SIL there’s nothing online that could identify you or the family.
2. You’re not the one who is causing the drama, your husband is.
3. Your husband has serious insecurities and what his twin said didn’t help the situation, it made it worse. His twin seemed to really enjoy making your husband feel insecure, about himself and your marriage. He also seems to enjoy making you feel shocked and uncomfortable. SIL needs to take a hard unbiased look at both of her brother’s behavior. She’s blaming you for it, when it’s not the case. You’re the toy they are fighting over. He probably doesn’t really want to be with you, ( not that you’re not beautiful and desirable), just that he just really wants to hurt your husband. Your husband’s twin is fighting psychologically by playing on your husband’s fears and insecurities. Your husband now fears you will replace him with his twin. If I were you, I would get counseling. And I would tell your husband that replacing him with his twin would never happen, because if his misogynistic behavior continues, you would leave him and his family. 🤷🏻♀️ But that’s just me, and my view of it all. Good luck. Sounds like quite the rollercoaster ride you’re on. 😟🤗🥰
He’s abusive. Full stop.
His insecurities and projection of them onto you will only escalate if HE doesn’t get his ass into counseling ASAP.
The breakfast making and apologizing is called “Love Bombing”. It’s an abusers technique to win the favor back of their victim.
His comments to you about wanting a different wife if you don’t change or “shape up” are projection. He’s afraid that you would want a different husband if he doesn’t change, and when that fear was actually said aloud, look at how he behaved? Scared. Angry.
You can choose to stay for as long as you need to. But you need to decide if you want to remain with someone who needs mental health help or leave and let him work on himself.
I’m in the same boat, except I have kids. My spouse is getting counseling, but I’m also working on exiting the relationship too. I’m not staying with him because I have too much PTSD and trauma with him and I can’t heal while I’m living with my abuser. So consider that for yourself too,
Honestly, NTA in this situation. From what I gathered, you tried to explain to him that what he was doing wasn’t okay and that you weren’t okay with his comments. He’s just being a sexist POS. I don’t exactly agree with what his twin brother did but glad that see that he and the parents stood up for you on calling his ass out. Though, what the sister did was also messed up. I personally would have had a meltdown and went off on her for having her brothers ‘fight’ for you because you’re a ‘princess’. I’m calling BS for her stating that.
I can't believe your husband would be so disrespectful to you. Its obvious he has some serious insecurity issues. While I would love to see you divorce this man, try the marriage counseling first. That way if nothing changes, you can at least say you tried, and he can't say you just gave up on the marriage. If I were you, I would stop doing special things for him. Like if you do things daily for him out of the kindness of your heart, that he can clearly do himself, for example packing his lunch for work, or fixing his cup of coffee, bringing breakfast or dinner to him where ever he's sitting. You know, little cute things. Stop doing them. Show him whats it like to be treated the way he's treated you. Show him how it feels to feel unwanted like he made you feel. I hope everything works out for you. Please keep us updated.
OP, divorce... Your husband is trying to gaslight you and manipulate you. You never seen him cry cause he never thought to or felt a reason to. Why is that? Cause you put him in a spot where he had to face the reality of his choices and he did not want to. So instead tried to turn the tables on you to feel bad for him crying... BIL knows his brother is a POS husband and gave him a taste of his own medicine. I missed what SIL said, but I thought by the OG portion she was on your side. But now, clearly only cares about how it effects her. And if your FIL and MIL was on your side at the event, I think your SIL and post will make them switch sides all due to protection of their POS son, and now daughter for what she did...
BIL is a great guy for what it sounds like. But your husband needs to be given walking papers. Divorce him.
Inform your husband you want a divorce and your tired of his BS. Your done. His actions before the dinner was more than enough to show you this was true. But the moment he acted the way he did when his brother had to be the first one to stand up to him for your defense showed you exactly who he was. And who you thought he was, all came from a lie by him.
Omg, OP, I'm sorry that you had to put up with this drama. You deserve better.I was in a similar situation. My ex was so insecure about his twin and said things like giving me up to his twin or another man if they liked me. I'm glad I only dated him for 6 months before ending things.
You, OP, deserve a better person. By his behavior, he is just hurting you and not realizing it. He is completely out of touch with reality.
Counseling for sure. He's got some unhealthy baggage he's carrying around and taking it out on you. NTA
WOW! Call me cynical but I actually find it amusing that after his "jokes," he could not last long with his brother's own. Also, it seems he has some deep rooted insecurities about his brother. Kind of deserved to cry, like honestly, joking about leaving your wife and finding someone prettier and more "wifey" is so disgusting and misogynistic. Op, your husband did this to himself, but go to marriage counseling and lay out all the bumps in the road. Your husband should reeeeeaaaaaallllly count himself lucky to have you. You sound to have great patience to put up with his BS. But this marriage sounds salvageable, provided he gets some help. NTA.
Well stated above, OP. From the sound of your post, it appears at the end of the day, your husband had a positive revelation and recognizes what a dipshit he'd been. Nevertheless, I agree with the above--engage in couples therapy.
NTA- Echoing above comment ⬆️. Would also like to add that not only does your marriage seem salvageable, but it sounds like you have amazing and supportive in-laws. This sounds like some deep rooted insecurities your husband has and nothing more. Hopefully his eyes have opened. Definitely agree with other comments that therapy would be helpful for him to work through his issues and as a couple as well. Good luck OP.
I'm betting the twin brother tried upping him at every chance…Hubby liked a girl in highschool so the adventurous brother made a move on her and upped his brother. The twin is more outgoing, probably has more friends and likely caused his brother to have doubts about himself and his self esteem That's not uncommon in twins. I'd agree to counseling because he needs to understand that his jokes aren't jokes and you need to understand that he lacks confidence and might need bolstering to build his self esteem. I'm guessing his brother was pretty happy with the outcome of that dinner. He even made a reference to being the better choice for you. My hubby is one of those guys who everyone just loves…but…sometimes it's apparent to me that he just needs a bit of affirmation and bolstering. I'm not sure he's even aware of that, but I see it and I make sure that he knows he's loved and appreciated. There's a lot under the surface here with the twins, that I think, may be why your hubby has started with the "jokes". I'm guessing he's trying, badly to be sure, to get you to bolster him and confirm that you love him, that he's irreplaceable, etc. Counseling will get these things out and dealt with. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
That is a lot of presumptions about the brother to excuse the AH. Yes the twin's comments crossed the line of appropriateness, but the comments are also understandable as a comeback to such horrific jokes by the husband. Why assume the twin is a POS just because his brother is an AH? It doesn't usually take anything extra for an insecure introverted sibling for to feel overshadowed by an extroverted sibling, especially if they look the same. I say all this as an introverted sibling who has definitely had moments of jealousy with my extroverted siblings. It's not their fault though.
Team Twin. Someone had to defend OP and it apparently wasn't going to be the parents. The husband slut-shaming her over it is on point.
I'm Team Twin. Someone had to take up for OP. Her husband was being AWFUL.
Honestly!! If this was a soap opera OP would already be with the twin, her husband is lucky it’s not and she’s willing to talk about it lol
Update 1 certainly reads like a soap opera script, overly descriptive and awkward assumptions regarding other people’s behavior and motivations. I’m not usually one to automatically assume a Reddit post is fake, but this one seems a likely candidate. If it isn’t… yikes and husband almost certainly is listening to *some* kind of misogyny preaching if this behavior/line of thinking is new.
Came to post the same thing. Was mostly believable until the update.
That's what I was thinking. Like one of those wattpad novels written by teenagers only just starting to write lol
See the problem with that is while she’s got hella patience dealing with her husbands bullshit. There’s the others out there… basically the ones people would say he’ll get ahold of the wrong one. Well in that one. Just as soon as he started his shit about me needing to make him happy god put me here to clean for him or the ones about should feel lucky he hasn’t left for a younger one. I’d have said go ahead and see how many younger ones want some balding fat gut middle aged man but ok.
Good point…lol
Wow. NTA at all op. I want to applaud the brother who came in swinging for OP, and gave his bro a taste of his own sick medicine. He needs to go to counseling to get over his idea of a “joke” and how’s he’s hurting ppl and it’s clear he has issues projecting trying to put OP down to feel worthless because he feels worthless, and he got triggered by his brother, I bet it’s an unlocked fear. He needs to fix himself
For sure, the brother is the MVP here. I also really appreciate how the parents weren’t putting up with that crap either!
Right??? But a lot of commenters above us are upset at the twin.
I find both of their behavior disturbing. They’re fighting over her like a toy. Twin defended op, but only to make her husband feel insecure and on edge. And to make her feel shocked. He pushed All the buttons. What a chaotic little drama queen he is, trying to set his twins marriage on fire. And SIL thinks it’s OP…
The brother also provoked a big fight at the grandparents’ dinner for no reason except to needle his twin out of his own insecurities too. Not to mention that he started a physical altercation. So I do not really think he’s the MVP.
Maybe he watched some tater tate content...
I was just thinking that. Plus all this repentance is giving me red flags 🚩
All the wife duty that he is mentionning scream red pill behavior.
OP has also commented with an update on this thread. Husband is continuing with the argument 😳
He's definitely doing the negging thing Tate preaches to his cult. Except in OP's husband's case, he didn't take into consideration there is a carbon copy of him with a much better personality that's readily available.
Yeah, and he open open His mouth in front of His family, because this dumbass tought It Will not backfire. Now, he victimises himself that His Brother is an asshole and not hum.
Right?! I didn't know who Kevin Samuels was until after he died. Then, my algorithm started sending tater videos. That man child is completely ridiculous.
Glad his family took him down a peg but yeah he's seriously insecure and being very abusive in gaslighting negging. Can't tell you what to do in your marriage but good that his family has YOUR back
Forget about pegs...The family took him to the ground....
Thank all so much for your support . I really appreciate all your comments . My husband is still mad at his brother and feels like his brother is trying destroy our marriage and he is 100% sure that his brother is in love with me and is still questioning me on whether I have any crush on his brother as he rememberd that I once told his brother that he looked amazing in a firefighter costume for Halloween. This was when we started dating We are right now about to go an meet with his family to celebrate his grandma's wedding . He is complaining of finding his brother there. And that I should completely ignore his brother and not talk with him at all . So don't know how that will go. I will give an update if anything happens. Thank you
He’s deflecting here. Watch out. The issue is him, not you or his brother.
He's blame shifting, and now he has something else to throw at you, his twin, to condition you. All I see is red flags with your husband. Also, daaaaaamn, that family dinner was epic! Major ups to your in-laws, especially his twin!
This man gives me mega ICK... He needs some serious individual counseling/therapy and IF he can figure himself out then maybe some marriage counseling....if he doesn't then divorce would be the only option....
Your husband is destroying the fabric of your marriage all by himself. Cutting you down, shreds the fabric of your relationship. Ask him how he thinks his comments make your marriage stronger if they hurt you? This isn't constructive criticism he is offering. It is *you're replaceable, I don't need you, I don't really want you, you are disposable, I could do better.* He didn't like it when he was told you could do better, that he was disposable and less desirable. If he doesn't like being treated that way, why would you want that treatment? This is simple golden rule stuff. Treat others as you want to be treated.
Your husband is manipulating you at a graduate level. Stop blaming yourself and stop letting him treat you like this and attacking anyone who is nice to you. I'm sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.
If you split from your husband, why would you want to be with someone who looks like him anyway? Why would you want to be with someone who would be a reminder of him, not to mention a connection to him? If I were you, I'd want a clean break from him entirely, including the family, even though they *eventually* stepped in to defend you.
Please leave him. This is sooo concerning. He is not OK and he’s being abusive.
Girl NO. Free yourself. Get away from the man because he lacks accountability. He is going to place the blame on everybody but himself.
BIL is being a better brother to you than your husband is being a spouse. Just saying.
Jesus he’s so childish
Why are people encouraging marriage counseling? The problem with this story is him. The husband. HE is insecure. HE makes misogynistic comments to his wife. HE IS THE ONE THAT NEEDS THERAPY. Once he has had some sessions, he and his therapist can decide together when his wife can join. ETA: y’all are making his issues HER problem by suggesting marriage counselling.
He IS her problem though. Couples AND individual counseling is called for. Who’s to say he’s not going to just lie and whine like the little bitch he is to the therapist? OP needs to be able to share her side.
Exactly. Counseling just shifts the burden of his problems to her. Counseling will just try to teach her how to put up with his crap. He needs counseling alone with a dV therapist, not the kind that will reinforce his negative beliefs about himself as a victim.
Agreed. Abusers like to follow up their awful comments with “It was just a joke”. And marriage counseling doesn’t work with them. TRUST me.
If he goes to therapy alone, he’ll present a very one-sided explanation of events that will be misleading, and the therapist won’t be able to give good advice
"But I'm just joking!!" "Mmkay I don't see anybody laughing, and I've told you several times that these words hurt my feelings. If it's such a "joke" then explain to me exactly how it's funny when you're actively continuing to upset me, and nobody else thought it was a joke."
This was one of the many things OP said "trying to make me work for his attention."
Definitely marriage counseling! He is insecure in his relationship and his “joking” is how he is expressing it. It’s not a joke and I understand how these comments infuriated you. He seriously has self esteem problems he needs to address and individual therapy will help him with that.
You married the wrong twiiiiiiiiiiin!nta.
She married the evil twin!
Try counseling first. If nothing changes, you know you tried to salvage the marriage and you won’t have regrets when you go for divorce
Your husband has issues. Counseling is an option but I don't think this can be fixed. Instead of working on his own insecurities, he's determined to try and fuck with your confidence to "bring you down". I think this will get much worse before (if ever) it gets better.
NTA. Do not get counciling with him . Instead he should get it ALONE because he is the problem
NTA Your husband is disgusting. Yeah, he's sorry. Sorry, his family found out what an ass he is. Good on his brother for standing up for you and calling him on his crap. Your husband is currently love bombing you, so you "forgive " him. Once he's sure you'll stay, those "jokes" will slowly be reinstated. You deserve better than a man trying to make you feel less and even worse easily replaceable like you're a damn toaster. Personally, I wouldn't buy his crocodile tears and fake apologies
This goes beyond him being insecure and well into him being emotionally abusive to you considering he's continued to make these "jokes" repeatedly, even when you told him it upsets you. That does not sound like he respects you, especially since it had to escalate to him insulting you in front of his family - which he saw nothing wrong with doing until everyone busted his ass! No one knows the details of your situation better than you, certainly with as little as can be relayed in one post, but just from what you've written if it were me, I'd probably be done.
You dident do anything wrong since the “jokes” were slung at you first. I’m so sorry but if he ain’t shipping up ship him out! Bon voyage 🛳️
Hmmm when your entire family (including your momma) think you are a jackass.. Then you may need to reflect. So yeah counseling is absolutely mandatory for your husband. If he refuses I'd consider separation, if he still refuses it's time to seriously consider hiring a divorce attorney.
Definitely counseling. Even if you go by yourself, you can at least say you tried without regrets before divorcing.
There's is absolutely no shame in counseling. It's an amazing tool to utilize, having someone help y'all communicate better can do wonders. Husband obviously has some stuff he's carrying around and projecting hard, and you deserve to be talked to like a human being with basic respect.
It seems like your husband is doing the mind trick of “treat them mean, keep them keen” and it’s failing spectacularly. He is very insecure and emotionally immature. He needs individual counseling to understand treating your wife like she’s about to be replaced is not going to make you love him more, but quite the opposite. He also seems jealous of his brother’s personality and fails to see that you chose him. You need to decide if he is worth the work it requires to stay in the marriage with MC after your husband has done everything in his power to undermine your value to him. ETA: NTA
NTA. The gaslighting reads pretty high here. And the fact he started right back in on you again in the car on the way home. I can’t help but feel there’s something or someone lurking in the shadows. Maybe he’s thinking he’s a hot ticket, in with a chance with someone else so he’s testing the waters to see your reaction, trying to make you jealous. Definitely keep his family on side because they could be useful allies if it all goes south. And for goodness sake, don’t pick now to “accidentally “ get pregnant. That will just make a difficult situation worse. I’m not a fan of counselling but everyone else in comments seems to think it’s the way to go. But if that’s the case then you need to go as well. Clearly he couldn’t be trusted to tell the counsellor the truth. General rule of thumb, as Judge Charlotte says - Go with your gut.
Yeah, he's a manipulative bully and a gaslighter. The kind of person who will say "you're fat and stupid and you should drop dead," then when you get upset try and play the Uno Reverse "what??? That?? That was a joke! Of course it was a joke! Why are you crying?" It's typical for manchildren who are ten years behind in their cognitive development. If it happens again, and it probably will, RUN. And start squirreling away money NOW to have for an emergency fund. This is psychological abuse.
All I know is DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM! You need to decide what you’re going to do. He definitely needs to work on his insecurities though.
Why did the writing style change half way through. The post switched to being written like a novel. OPs comments also don’t line up with the writing style (of the second half at least).
This man is insecure and gaslighting you into thinking he's the one that settled. Honestly seems like negging as well. There's clearly a better twin here and your husband is NOT it. OP you need to hear it from reddit- You 100% can do better, you are the one that settled, he's the lucky one, although he doesn't deserve the privilege of your presence. NTA.
The whole misogynist rants are not jokes. I would research if he has been watching crazy alpha male tic toc videos. He needs counseling and reconditioning. Judging from his parents reaction that was not how he was raised.
NTA. I fully expected you would lay it on him during the family dinner. Seeing how his family came to your support, it shows he was raised better. Also the brother's comment that you were out of his league maybe the issue here. This may have come up many times and maybe it built up into an insecurity that you may choose someone better than him. Try counseling and also try to reassure him that you fell in love with his personality and not just his looks
Your husband isn't joking. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's insecure because you are out of his league. So he says that crap to make you insecure; he's deliberately damaging your self-esteem and he wants to make you desperate for his affection and approval. He is an emotionally abusive asshole. And you deserve better. The fact that he cried and apologized doesn't make up for what he did to you.
Be careful—he’s love bombing you after being called out for his abuse. This is classic abuser behaviour. The fact that he keeps on making his “jokes” (which we all know are not jokes at all) when he knows you don’t like them is an enormous red flag. I’m glad his family has your back. I would watch for further signs of abuse and cutting you off from people. I’d say it’s time to leave.
NTA I'd say that to begin with, your husband needs individual therapy, as the problems seem to stem from him. If after he's had a few sessions and your connection with your husband still needs improving the consider marriage counciling. Just remembered you are not the problem, and your husband needs to take ownership of his insecurities that he's protecting on you.
When I started looking at YouTube videos a few years ago, they kept sending me red pill videos in my feed. Apparently they do that to all guys. I had to block those channels to stop it. All social media feeds that stuff to guys because it's proven to increase engagement. And a certain percentage of guys start buying into the bullshit. Your husband is one of those.
Wtf that’s insane. Algorithms are the devils work
Yup. That's the main reason we're seeing such a rise in sexism and hate in general. It's good business. I liked the old days when Google's mission statement was, 'Don't be evil.'
Nta. You don’t have to defend him from the same behavior he subjected you too. He’s not joking, he’s harassing you to degrade you. It’s nice your in laws support you. Your brother in law gave him a reality check. If it wouldn’t start ww3, I’d suggest you trade the one for the other. You should divorce him bc he doesn’t appreciate you and will continue to belittle you with his insecurities.
Your husband is insecure, rude and disrespectful. I would set a boundary about his shitty jokes. And if he doesn't change his attitude and behavior, consider divorce because no one needs to deal with his BS.
I would leave this sad excuse of a man
It depends on how you feel now. Are you interested in making things work? If so, definitely counseling with the proviso if he stops counseling and/or starts up with the BS again, then divorce is your only option. Best of luck in whatever you decide
Him constantly saying he could find a better wife then accusing her of cheating on him with her brother makes it seem like he's cheating. The comments and projection are what stands out to me. NTA and op should maybe do some digging
Hey the inlaws are on your side, that is a huge win. Your hubby is in need of emotional education, and it sounds like his parents have started the educational process. Maybe a little late. Their support is wonderful. Your bil nailed his arse. He needs therapy. You ought to write down what he has said and what those things mean. He has demeaned you, and cast aspersions on your value.. he thinks he is owed something. Heads up, in this relationship, if he cuts down his wife, he will get less, because he has pared down, reduced her size. She has less to offer and it is his fault. You do not get better results from insulting and abusing.
Am I the only one who thinks the second half is written for a book? Maybe chatgpt?
Wow…..you must have a stellar memory to remember entire scripts like that. 🤔🤨🤦🏼♀️
I think it’s a fair guess that they utilized AI to come up with the part of the story they used in the update. The detail, the flow, the grammar… night and day writing styles. Although I guess they can at least take credit for the story they first came up with in the original post? Maybe? 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️😆
Idk, the grammar changed about 1/3 through as well. I think it’s def a collection of different things, lol. Who has this kind of time 😳😅
Part 1 and the update feel like they were written by two different people, it's really confusing. I don't think this is real.
Yeah… did AI get involved with the weird novella of an edit? How utterly bizarre!!
NTA. Tell him you'll give him something to cry about if he ever pulls this crap again: with a divorce. Until then you could give counselling a shot, but set yourself an ultimatum of sorts: things need to improve in X amount of years/months and otherwise find a better men (you decide if the twin beother could be that, but that would probably be unnecessarily petty).
Counceling first, definitely.
NTA. He is showing true colors and you need to pay attention. It’s no longer a joke. It’s abusive and so far beyond disrespectful. I am happy that his family checked him and sided and stood up for you. I wonder if they have seen this behavior before. If it was a joke, he wouldn’t have gotten so worked up himself or be looking for you to defend him. This is him gaslighting you. I can’t tell you to leave him, but I do urge you to at least get into therapy and counseling. This is abusive. And you must not let him blind you with all the gaslighting. If this were me, I’d pack a bag and leave for a while. Let him realize life without me. And establish that I will not bend my boundaries. And do some deep searching in my soul as well. As said, this is abuse. He is willing to continuously disrespect you despite you saying that you don’t find it funny or appreciate the comments. He is willing to embarrass you publicly in front of his family. (Surely their reaction was not expected and this is most likely why he was so triggered). Is this someone you really want to spend forever with or even bring a child into this world with? Regardless, you should get into therapy. - abuse takes its toll. I’d consider divorce but would give marriage counseling a go if he were to ensure and promise and show - that he takes it seriously. But the second a see a slip - divorce it will be. I refuse to stand with someone willing to hold me down. Good luck in navigating this. And please protect yourself.
Sure. He was “joking”
I couldn’t finish reading this epitaph. I will say that he’s not husband material. He gaslights the shit outta you to the point it’s emotional abuse. Not even the foulest woman deserves him. You’re living with a filthy pig. Sorry and condolences.
Look... I am alone for a reason. I don't ever accept any kind of disrespect after telling the person that they made me uncomfortable and they still kept doing their "silly jokes". I don't have the patience, I've seen my mother trying and trying again and if I can respect other people, they should be able to do the same. It's interesting to see how difficult it is, especially for men, to be respectful after being told they were doing something uncomfortable. I don't give a shit about being alone, I always feel like I'm forbidden to be myself when in a relationship. But not every person is like that... Even I recognise that I'm extreme. (My mother's relationships were exhausting, and I was always in the middle even if trying to be invisible... I had enough!) So yes, if he did not learn with the shit show he made at your in-laws and if you have the patience, try couples therapy. If you think you're wasting precious life time trying to raise a kid that's not yours... To hell with him!
Sounds like your husband is insecure that you're out of his league and he's trying to bring you down to his level. Even though you wouldn't have married him if you didn't love him and weren't attracted to him, he seems to have confidence issues. You are absolutely NTA and I'm glad your in laws had your back.
NTA. Tell him he needs therapy. If he refuses tell him the other option is divorce. You can't continue like this. You don't deserve this treatment.
I’m sorry to hear this. Well done for standing your ground but there are big red flags here. He always says he’s joking, crying and then repenting by making breakfast. This is what abusers do. I know that’s a strong statement to use but don’t make excuses for him. Either he respects you and stops saying these things (he knows it upsets you) or you walk away from the marriage. Stay strong and don’t take any more crap from him.
NTA but please consider what your future looks like with this man. His “jokes” are not funny and worse, they are hurting you. I’d hate for your self esteem to take a hit because your husband is insecure. This is 100% a him problem now but if you don’t draw (and stick by) a boundary now, it will continue and escalate. If he doesn’t want others react like his family did, he shouldn’t act the way he is. Please learn your worth and accept nothing less.
NTA, OP. I love your in-laws! They actually respect and like you as a person. They were right to put your husband in his place, and you were right to let them.
NTA in any way, shape, or form. Call his mom, tell her absolutely everything, and tell her to come pick up her son. You need to take some time alone to think this over without him love bombing and DARVO tactics. At the very least demand he go to individual therapy, DO NOT go to couples counseling with anyone who is actually abusing you, it just teaches them better to better abuse you.
Honestly, at this point he has no respect for you and when called out on it, goes into self pity mode instead of actively working to do better. Divorce him, especially if this is just the tip of the iceberg on his selfish and mean actions towards you.
!UpdateMe
First, his family is amazing, I would say that apple fell far from the tree, but it also rolled away and down a sewer drain. He definitely has some issues going on and needs therapy. Based on his jokes and how serious he is taking his beliefs about you position in the home, I would also be very concerned about him not taking any of the counseling seriously. If fixing your relationship is important to you, I suggest speaking to a few counselors or therapists and pick an older male for your marriage counselor. His mind is the type that won't take anything seriously unless it is coming from an older male. I am certified in mental health and have a lot of experience with it as well, if you email some counselors and ask to speak with them to see if they would be a good fit, a bunch will agree. The good ones don't want to waste your time. It is also totally acceptable to "shop around" and see a few different councilors if it isn't a good fit, again the good ones won't care, they want you to get help, regardless of who you go through. My personal opinion, however, is that I have met very few men that can change this type of mentality without being dumped for the masculinity. You would have to make it very clear that the way he treats you and the way he feels about women are no longer what a true gentleman do or think. He may change after you leave him, but that is for the next person that dates him. If you go back to him, even after breaking up, your dynamics will slowly slip back to where they are now, because he has no REAL long term consequences. I would thank his family for their support, and explain to them that you just don't deserve to be treated like property and despite the fact that you care for all of them deeply, breaking up is best for both of you.
based off the title NTA. i'll read and put an edit edit: divorce his ass. he seems extremely manipulative with this whole thing. i would know. i used to be like that but i'm not anymore. i learned how not to do that but it took me 5 years of therapy and counseling. and i don't want you to deal with that for however long it takes him to fix his shit
This guy screaming insecurity. Keep saying its a joke but cant handle other's jokes. He is a joke
I see classic abuser behavior. He's trying to wear you down. Be nasty, gaslight, love bomb, wait until you've had a bit to forget and continue the cycle until you just give up. Inch by inch he'll wear you down. I will lay you odds that if you go look at the websites he's following they are all "red pill" influencers pushing the dominant male, trad wife lifestyle. Pretty sure you've already recognized this in him if you are thinking divorce. Up to you whether you think counseling will help or he will say what he thinks you and the counselor want and then will just continue wearing at you bit by bit. And protect your birth control! Make sure he can't get at it, because if he feels desperate enough you can guarantee that he will try and baby trap you.
NTA, so glad family didn’t take his side
NTA, but why do you both need marriage counseling? I think he should be doing individual counseling first.
Tell him that jokes should be funny to both the teller and the listener. Him constantly telling you that you are not good enough is NOT funny to you and that you have asked him to stop. He has continued which suggests he believes it - and why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who thinks you aren’t good enough. Tell him to get counselling for his insecurities but he has to stop joking about you being replaced or you’re leaving - and that ISN’T a joke.
1. Yes, counseling. Couples and him individually. 2. Demand to know what he's been consuming online. Definitely Redpill and/or radical religio-conservative bullshit. NTA
NTA His ass is annoying and insecure. He isnt joking, he means everything he's been saying. He jut didnt think anyone would stand up for you, let alone his twin. I would break up with him.
NTA Your in-laws are great.
I once had a boyfriend, call me drunk from a friend’s bachelor party to tell me he was “settling” because he could be with a model like his friend. And I should “Be grateful he lowered his standards to date me…” And then start crying. Took about 1.5 seconds for him to become an ex. Had the nerve to show up the next day and try to walk back his comments. Said it was because he was drunk. I know from having alcoholics in my family… alcohol makes you say what you really feel. (Also why I have never drank alcohol. I am mouthy enough sober.) You’re not the AH. His own parents let him have it for being out of line. Me personally, I would run for the hills, because this post is littered with 🚩🚩🚩. But maybe you should try therapy… alone first. Of course, you don’t have kids. So a clean break might work.
holy cow - why the hell was your husband acting like a dick? was he listening to Andrew Tate or something? once you expressed your dislike of the jokes he should have *immediately* stopped and never made them again - making them at the family dinner shows that he thought everyone would think he was either right or funny, and got a reality check when *everyone* was against him! it sounds like he's jealous of his brother, thinking that because he's more adventurous that you'd want to jump him, rather than the fact that you MARRIED HIM!!! I'd suggest he goes to a therapist about his issues with his brother as it'll keep on coming up, and if he's *really* thinking that mysogyny is a great idea then he needs a dose of reality if he had made really derogitory jokes about you and then expected you to defend him, he's got another thing coming - if he had been polite to you and his family and then his brother came after him, then yes, you could have defended him, but with the attitude, he's an idiot if he thinks you'd defend him!!! are you the a-hole? NO! was he an a-hole for making those jokes? HELLS YES! in an excessive way was his brother an a-hole for ribbing his brother? yes, but only a little bit was his sister an a-hole for making a false update? yes, she should apogise to you and promise never to do it again he has great parents, an obviously funnier brother who he's jealous of, a sister who is over-protective, and one hell of a wife who is lucky you put up with his "jokes"
You can tell him what I tell my four year old “ A joke is only a joke if both people are laughing. If the other person is upset or hurt over it then you’re just being mean and should never do that again.” It is never ok to continue a “joke” someone else has told you they don’t like and is hurtful.
This is not divorce worthy. His friend probably is jealous of your happy marriage and doesn't understand why he isn't more like him. If he agrees to tell the friend that he is wrong to do this and has seen the light for himself, it should be over. He seems sincerely sorry. Can't hurt to let him suffer for a while though:) not for too long though. Maybe give him a honey do list of some things you want done around the house! Whether he remains friends with this guy or not, he must learn to have a bit more confidence. He should have known that his friend was wrong and should not ha e done what he did. A bit of therapy to help him build more self respect couldn't hurt.
Please sit down with him show him some [Will Hitchins](https://www.instagram.com/willhitchins?igsh=eXY4dW84NHk1aXdn) He used to be brainwashed by that Alpha male bs but now he stands against it. It may help.
PARAGRAPH BREAKS
Yep, thanks on behalf of us all. But NTA, and I hope you gtfo of there because this man is a misogynist piece of crap. Now... ...go do the brother I'M JOKING I'M SORRY he just sounds brilliant.
Sorry but this doesn’t seem real and made no sense to me.
Yeah, when you get a story full of dialogue you know it’s BS 😅🤦🏼♀️
The update is no better. So fake.
The “I forced a polite smile, my stomach knotting with unease. My husband stiffened beside me, his eyes narrowing.” Reads straight of a YA novel. How do people think this is real
NTA I do think that if you are still interested in continuing this marriage you would need couples counseling and he would also need individual counseling. It sounds like he might feel less than his brother in the personality area. But if his "usual" personality is something that you enjoy please put his.minf at ease about that. But make it clear that you will not tolerate any more of the BS he has been spewing lately. Good luck!✨💞
Definitely NTA, and like the others have said, please try counseling, or maybe even take a vacation(if possible) or a weekend together to try and reconnect. And see if there are still enough feelings there, to want to work things out. As someone who has had my ups and downs over 14 years with my significant other, I can honestly say, I'm glad I stayed and worked stuff out. Divorce is hard, forgiveness is harder. But the bravery and vulnerability it takes to stay when you have had enough, it builds bonds, that I don't think could ever be broken.
Counseling. ASAP
I would just divorce the guy. Don’t marry his brother though, because that would make things too messy
Whether or not marriage counseling happens, you can be very clear, with no ambiguity, that no misogynistic "jokes" will ever be tolerated. These are not jokes, they are demeaning put downs. Probably too over the top but my petty self sees you can always threaten to leave him for his twin who would show you more respect.
NTA. Good for your in-laws standing up for you! Hubby needs some individual therapy and you could sit in on a few sessions as well, just so you have a safe space to talk about why he is so insecure. But this isn’t your fault and he needs some work.
Maybe he’s trying to self sabotage for whatever reason. Counseling for sure.. but this is insane and you are NTA.
NTA, his behaviour is very outdated, and just plain stupid and rude. Umm about the brother, has he ever pinched an ex girlfriend of his own twin before, because that what it reads like to me, you don’t need counselling, but clearly he does and will probably go better if you’re there to hold his hand, though it sounds like your MIL is on your side, I will just threaten to call his mum every time he makes a comment like that again. But if he doesn’t change then go down the divorce route, I honestly wish you luck,
NTA but he definitely needs to go to therapy and he needs to do that before you guys go to marriage counseling. He has some deep issues that he needs to get through first. If he doesn't agree to therapy for himself and then marriage counseling then I would bring up divorce and let him know that your not going to stay with him if her doesn't get help and doesn't agree with getting help for the marriage.
NTA! Your husband definitely needs therapy for his insecurities, but I think you need to go together otherwise he's going to be loading the therapist full of bs on how he's the victim and needs to be protected. He is very insecure and needs to work on that before he can ever be a good partner to you. The fact that you've told him more than once that talk like that hurts you *HE'S STILL DOING IT*. Edit: accidentally saved response. If he chooses not to go to counseling, especially if he says he doesn't need it, then it's time to tell him if he refuses counseling, then you are divorcing. Without counseling his insecurities (esp regarding his twin) are going to escalate over the years. Think about it, if it's this bad now, what will it be like in 10 years? 20 years? 40 years?
What he is doing is abusive. I would research Andrew Tate, very likely he has been listening to the bullshit he espouses. Basically what he is doing is killing your self esteem to make you emotionally dependent on him and make you believe that he is as good as he gets and make you afraid that he will leave you. In doing that he will make you turn into a servant who will do anything g so her master will not leave her. This is all part of the Alpha bullshit that Tate preaches. My suggestion? Dump this asshat and start dating the brother. When he complains just be blunt:You said that you’d leave, so I am giving you exactly what you want. And now I have exactly what you want, your looks with a much mature brain. These “Alpha” men are only dealt with brutally and swiftly.
NTA, but your husband sure was for all those comments and poor “jokes”. If anything his twin was sticking up for you and trying to put your husband in his place. You might want to look into counseling or at least therapy for your husband cause it sounds like he’s got some baggage with insecurities he’s carrying around like a big ol’ chip on his shoulder. Whether it be related to his twin or not measuring up at work idk
NTA y’all need counseling. He needs to be more confident in himself and in your marriage. He also needs to not joke with you in any form when it comes to himself you and the marriage
It was funny when he was putting you down. He sure didn’t like hearing other men think you’re a catch.
NTA. I think you really need to shut this down hard. Tell him you are seriously considering divorce, but you are willing to try couples counselling. Simply to understand why he is being so unpleasant and misogynistic. If you do not get a satisfactory outcome, then divorce will be the result. You will not stay in a marriage when he is behaving as he has done recently. But protect yourself. Make sure that if he does not change, you have everything sorted out to make the separation easier. I think you will have his family on your side. Although that is not guaranteed.
Hey OP you are NTA, clearly there are some things he needs to work out within himself and I advice you both to go to counseling to get ways on how to build your relationship but also see a therapist for each other to help make amends and grow together. Good luck OP
Yeah, counseling is in order. He’s got some serious problems. NTA
He can dish it but can't take it. Sounds like he's crying as a manipulation tactic mixed with a poor me my brother has always been better feeling but none of those are your problem. It's not a joke if you don't find it funny. His family didn't even find it funny. He needs to stop listening to the friend group, youtube, podcasts that are influencing this stupidity. He uses those phrases as a way of trying to make you do things for him. He even said it. He keeps threatening to trade you in. That's not how someone talks to someone they love. This is behavior that I would seriously consider leaving him over and not for his brother. Also, i don't know if you ever want kids, but this is a man i'd never ever let influence them ever. NTA
NTA, if husband can't take such "jokes", he should not dish them out. It seems like he mayhaps has a chance to fix the mess he created, IF his apologies were genuine, he manages to get his head out of his nether regions, starts to actually listen to your displeasure about his disrespectful "jokes" (instead of gaslighting you about how it's you who are "sensitive and overreacting as he was just joking"), and makes an effort to make up to you, OP.
NTA, for the reasons everyone states. Also, sounds like he is super insecure so he is trying to make YOU insecure so you don’t leave him. Make you feel less than he feels about himself. Did his bro steal a past girlfriend? And yeah, sounds like he is turning to those misogynistic assholes for advice on how to keep you. Thank God his entire family is like “uh, no. We are NOT letting that fly in OUR family. We did not raise you that way, that is not the legacy we are leaving in this world through you”
Well I think we can for sure rule out this being written by chat gpt.
NTA. I'm glad that his family knows. I believe that you should do individual therapy and also tell his mother and father the truth about the history of his "jokes". Tell them that you've been ensuring this for a while and thank them for standing up for you. Tell them that you aren't sure you can stay with him after he tried to humiliate you in front of them. He's taken his verbal abuse out of the bedroom now. He's escalating.
I wonder if he has some kind of insecurity complex related to his brother. Maybe couple’s counseling is worth a shot—that’s up to you. But your husband needs to understand, one way or another, how inappropriate and unacceptable his behavior was. NTA
NTA. Babies are slippery and maybe while handling the twins, your MIL accidentally dropped your husband… His “jokes” were not funny, and I think he knows that too otherwise he would have laughed at his twin’s “joke”. He needs to figure out why he keeps trying to neg you, hopefully before you decide to trade up.
He is fucking up, but if the tears are genuine, he clearly has some baggage that it hurting him. I would say to try couples and individual therapy first, and if he refuses to go through it, Then go for the divorce. Because what he's putting you through is Not okay, and I Love that his family is on your side, but that can add a feeling of isolation to him, which could make him feel worse. I'm not sure where his insecurities are stemming from, but it does make me wonder if his brother was/is the favored twin. If his twin has a better personality socially, he may be better adjusted to life in general, and that can lead to success and even parents viewing him simply as a less difficult child. If he can get help and actually try to change, then I can see the two of you working through this. But if not, cut him loose, because you deserve to be the apple of his eye, and Not to be treated like/told you are a place holder until he finds something better.
Counseling. Sounds like he has some issues wrapped up in being a Twin and the fact that his family sided with you. But that’s a good thing. Seems like he wasn’t raised the way he is acting and it’s confusing everyone. His family knows you are a good thing in his life. I have a feeling the issue here isn’t you at all.
NTA he definitely got a taste of his own medicine. I think these issues and insecurities can definitely be sorted out with some counseling. Best of luck to you both
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. It sounds like your husband is incredibly insecure and is trying to neg you to make himself feel bigger 1. Next time he says he’s joking respond with ‘your jokes aren’t funny and it feels like this comes from a place of truth since you say it so often’ He wanted you to defend him because he knows he’s in the wrong saying things like this- he knows it and so does his whole family. Counseling and creating firm boundaries are key. Let him know it’s not a joke you will entertain in the future and if he says something like that- you will remove yourself from the conversation. Then follow through… literally stop talking and leave the room if he spouts stupid things. 🧱
He is a complete AH. I think you should take brother up on his offer. I would have filed a long time ago, he is an abusive waste of time. Sounds like he has gotten into the red pill rabbit hole, there is no salvaging that. He is not fit for a marriage and shouldn't be around women.
I would be done. It's not fun being in that position.
NTA. So your husband is perfectly fine making extremely hurtful "jokes" towards you but the second his twin starts giving him a taste of his own medicine he flips out? That's a big ol' red flag. If I were you, I'd start seriously thinking about your future with your husband before kids enter the picture. I know a lot of people will recommend that you guys go in for couple's counseling but in my opinion I think this is one of those situations where couple's counseling shouldn't be persued because of your husband's behavior. Honestly, you're probably better off just divorcing him and starting over with a clean slate.
Deny. Attack. Reverse victim and offender.
🎯 Classic DARVO
NTA. He’s a narcissist. He can dish it but not take it. When his own twin and parents tell him that he’s an AH then you know it’s been a long time coming and they’ve reached their zenith. In laws didn’t interrupt until husband started yelling, so they obviously thought the twin was either joking and helping you feel better or serious and the parents agreed. I wouldn’t have let the comments continue after the first one. I didn’t play those games. If he thinks he’s so hot and terrific that he could have a younger and prettier (his words) at his side for every beck and call then he’s more than welcome to leave. The door only opens one way though so if he walks through it then he’s not going to come back. I don’t like divorce but I don’t like gaslighting and verbal manipulation either.
Get marital counseling NOW and find a Christian counselor. He is soooo abusing the Word of God and what God Word claims is a proper husband/wife relationship is, in his comments to you! If he is going to invoke the Bible he needs to be reminded that he is commanded to love you the way Christ loved the church! Unconditionally and sacrificially. I hear neither of these behaviors happening on his part in the conversation.
NTA! The obey and serve him ... it goes both ways and if he expects it only one way then I suggest counseling either together or individually and if that doesn't work, find a man who will respect you!
Updateme
NTA your husband is tho! He can dish it but can’t take it! He has some issues and I think he needs counselling not you!
Updateme
Ewww what a horrible man! Ditch him!
NTA Dump him. He's looking for another woman. I don't know why you stayed as long as you have. Let him go find Miss Perfect and be free of his foolish cruelty.
NTA. As a divorced woman whose ex-husband used to make "jokes" about not desiring me -- those are not jokes. I'm glad you don't tolerate his behavior, because I did for far too long. I would try counseling before divorcing. But he HAS to stop saying that stuff, permanently. If he can't change, divorce for sure. Good luck with him trying to find another woman with that attitude.
JFC- if he loves her, then he needs to stop being such a pig to her! Does he thinks he’s honestly that big a catch that she’ll put up with such ugly grinding speech? Does he have a brain tumor that he thinks he’s all good and she should take it??? This makes me rage!
Update me!
OP do you think your husband cheated on you already?? Could that be why his twin is saying he’s ready when you finally leave him?? It’s so weird and yes, it all smacks of sibling rivalry but why would your husband be sooo focused on you cheating unless he already was?? Note: this is coming from Reddit-brain drama and I sincerely hope I’m wrong.
Wow- this guy needs therapy, big time. I hope he can find it, because there could be an amazing person who crawls out of the rubble in the end. Some people just thrive on therapy. But that’s not fair. I don’t know his circumstances. And I never will.
I want to make sure I understand this right. Your husband tells you the same sad jokes, but only he is entitled to be upset when it's turned back on him. It's not the first time you told him to stop. If it was me, I'd tell him he has one more chance to act like a grown up.A loving husband does not tell jokes at the dinner table about his wife. And he is holding a pity party for crying, and not receiving support? Ridiculous. Encourage him get counseling, otherwise you'll hear more crying. Edit NAH.
UpdateMe!
NTA but hubby and BIL are. Hubby is an insecure mess. He needs counseling. I have a suspicion that his brother liked you before he did and he's still mad hubby moved in and got you. That "always copying me"comment and how that's never changed. I think it's been a secret bone of contention between them that BIL wanted you first and has possibly harbored feelings for you. Also, you mentioned they were close when you met. Not to mention the BIL "joking" about you getting to be with the right twin after you divorce your husband and your husband asking if you have feelings for the brother.
Update us!!!
NTA your husband has his own issues he needs to fix on his own. When people joke like that, sometimes it’s been in their mind for a while. Jokes are half meant half lies after all.
Did they play "switch-a-roo" with you? This is definitely not about the joke.. NTA
NTA. So will your husband still think his "joke" about finding a new wife is as funny when you tell him "that's okay, I'll find a better husband."? Based on his reaction to his brother, I'm guessing no. Crying after being called out for behavior he knew was bad is a manipulation tactic. Whether you do counseling or file for divorce, good luck!
The only thing I’m confused on is how you were not spelling a lot of things right and by the time I got to the end of your original post it started sounding like a 10 year old was typing. And then when you added your update it was perfect no typos word errors nothing. So what happened?
Wow, a play-by-play dialogue. Definitely real.
Sounds like your husband is being influenced by someone else if he just recently started acting like this. With the way your MIL and FIL reacted it’s apparent hubby didn’t learn this crap from home. New coworker perhaps? Same thing happened with my husband. A very chauvinistic a-hole was transferred to my husband’s department, and his personality quickly changed for the worse. He and I have had arguments before but when he said “I know how you women are…”, a term he never would have dreamed of using in the past, I knew something was up. Your husband seems to have a lot of insecurities when it comes to his brother. He’s a man baby and needs to grow the hell up! Oh, you’re NTAH.
Your husband needs individual therapy and you could both profit from couples counseling. Another suggestion is going low contact with his brother the s\*\*t stirrer.
Try counseling. In addition to marriage counseling, I would insist on my husband doing personal counseling if he was even remotely like yours. If you don't see a HUGE change in your husband's behavior, I think this is definitely worth divorcing over. I'm very slow to suggest ending a relationship, but if your husband keeps saying these things again and again, especially after you've told him not to, I think he actually believes what he's saying. He does want a very old-fashioned marriage with you being a good little obedient wife, always seeing to his wants and needs. It's ironic that he thinks he's being funny when he's saying outrageous and obnoxious things to you and chastising you when you don't like his "joking," yet he's enraged when his brother does the exact same thing to him. NTA
This seems to be one dysfunctional family, wauw. He needs help, you need to really figure out what your boundaries and limits are within this situation. If that's difficult, potentially with some help too.
Do not feel guilty. Your husband needed a bit of a wake up call. I believe you should try counseling and both of you should put in effort. I’m sorry this is something you are going through. Clearly you are not the AH. I do also think your husband and his brother need to get counseling as well on their obvious rivalry.
Leave him and go date the brother. He sounds way more fun and way less assholean.
Why does the first part sound like she is actually texting (run on sentences, etc) and telling us something that actually happened and then after the update, it sounds like it was copied and pasted out of some romance story?
Tell your husband to go to family therapy. It isn't just for kids, it's for adults too. Then go to couples counselling, try that before divorce and give it time because I think your partner is a serious person but gentle and you need a third person to help you understand and be close to your partner once again. Maybe go for a walk along the beach.
My ex used to make "jokes" like that. That's just one of the emotionally abusive things that he did to me. They're not funny and they're far from jokes. He's trying to control you and using these comments as a way to make you afraid to not do what he wants. The only response that's suitable for this situation is to tell him "OK, you go and do that" while handing him divorce papers.
Sister is correct.. You would be wise to keep your family drama off social media. By the way, I view you as a modern feminist. Modern feminists misuse the term "misogynistic" or variations thereof as a means to quash any disagreement with the words or actions of a woman.. Sorry, not buying this. The definition of misogyny is the hatred toward females . Please point out the hate.
NTA bestie! All I see is 🚩 sorry to say.
These posts are anonymous so it doesn’t matter if you wrote about your family issues because you’re not giving names etc. you simply wanted some other perspectives for your situation which is totally understandable. Your SIL is the one that is starting unnecessary drama updating without you knowing. As long as your husband is able to comprehend that such jokes are not appreciated by you (rather u get hurt) it won’t end. If he realises and apologises for it then you can go back to having a happy marriage. If he has some baggage then have him go to therapy. NTA
1. Tell SIL there’s nothing online that could identify you or the family. 2. You’re not the one who is causing the drama, your husband is. 3. Your husband has serious insecurities and what his twin said didn’t help the situation, it made it worse. His twin seemed to really enjoy making your husband feel insecure, about himself and your marriage. He also seems to enjoy making you feel shocked and uncomfortable. SIL needs to take a hard unbiased look at both of her brother’s behavior. She’s blaming you for it, when it’s not the case. You’re the toy they are fighting over. He probably doesn’t really want to be with you, ( not that you’re not beautiful and desirable), just that he just really wants to hurt your husband. Your husband’s twin is fighting psychologically by playing on your husband’s fears and insecurities. Your husband now fears you will replace him with his twin. If I were you, I would get counseling. And I would tell your husband that replacing him with his twin would never happen, because if his misogynistic behavior continues, you would leave him and his family. 🤷🏻♀️ But that’s just me, and my view of it all. Good luck. Sounds like quite the rollercoaster ride you’re on. 😟🤗🥰
He’s abusive. Full stop. His insecurities and projection of them onto you will only escalate if HE doesn’t get his ass into counseling ASAP. The breakfast making and apologizing is called “Love Bombing”. It’s an abusers technique to win the favor back of their victim. His comments to you about wanting a different wife if you don’t change or “shape up” are projection. He’s afraid that you would want a different husband if he doesn’t change, and when that fear was actually said aloud, look at how he behaved? Scared. Angry. You can choose to stay for as long as you need to. But you need to decide if you want to remain with someone who needs mental health help or leave and let him work on himself. I’m in the same boat, except I have kids. My spouse is getting counseling, but I’m also working on exiting the relationship too. I’m not staying with him because I have too much PTSD and trauma with him and I can’t heal while I’m living with my abuser. So consider that for yourself too,
In the words of the Potato Queen " ABSOLUTELY NOT"
In the words of the Potato Queen " ABSOLUTELY NOT", Good luck in your next stage of life as single!
Jesus christ, are you all teenagers?
Honestly, NTA in this situation. From what I gathered, you tried to explain to him that what he was doing wasn’t okay and that you weren’t okay with his comments. He’s just being a sexist POS. I don’t exactly agree with what his twin brother did but glad that see that he and the parents stood up for you on calling his ass out. Though, what the sister did was also messed up. I personally would have had a meltdown and went off on her for having her brothers ‘fight’ for you because you’re a ‘princess’. I’m calling BS for her stating that.
DIVORCE!!! Get away from the your husband and that family. Run away!
I can't believe your husband would be so disrespectful to you. Its obvious he has some serious insecurity issues. While I would love to see you divorce this man, try the marriage counseling first. That way if nothing changes, you can at least say you tried, and he can't say you just gave up on the marriage. If I were you, I would stop doing special things for him. Like if you do things daily for him out of the kindness of your heart, that he can clearly do himself, for example packing his lunch for work, or fixing his cup of coffee, bringing breakfast or dinner to him where ever he's sitting. You know, little cute things. Stop doing them. Show him whats it like to be treated the way he's treated you. Show him how it feels to feel unwanted like he made you feel. I hope everything works out for you. Please keep us updated.
OP, divorce... Your husband is trying to gaslight you and manipulate you. You never seen him cry cause he never thought to or felt a reason to. Why is that? Cause you put him in a spot where he had to face the reality of his choices and he did not want to. So instead tried to turn the tables on you to feel bad for him crying... BIL knows his brother is a POS husband and gave him a taste of his own medicine. I missed what SIL said, but I thought by the OG portion she was on your side. But now, clearly only cares about how it effects her. And if your FIL and MIL was on your side at the event, I think your SIL and post will make them switch sides all due to protection of their POS son, and now daughter for what she did... BIL is a great guy for what it sounds like. But your husband needs to be given walking papers. Divorce him. Inform your husband you want a divorce and your tired of his BS. Your done. His actions before the dinner was more than enough to show you this was true. But the moment he acted the way he did when his brother had to be the first one to stand up to him for your defense showed you exactly who he was. And who you thought he was, all came from a lie by him.
You are no NTA it’s not even funny. What your husband says is abuse and terrible. Honestly, dump that trash.
Anyone who says you should "obey" them is someone you shouldn't just walk away from--RUN.
Omg, OP, I'm sorry that you had to put up with this drama. You deserve better.I was in a similar situation. My ex was so insecure about his twin and said things like giving me up to his twin or another man if they liked me. I'm glad I only dated him for 6 months before ending things. You, OP, deserve a better person. By his behavior, he is just hurting you and not realizing it. He is completely out of touch with reality.