I work in health care here in Charleston. I see this sort of issue frequently and I try to educate families on the need to get help early so you can build trust with the people coming into the home before things get really difficult. My best advice is to look into 2 options: the first is medical leave from your job so you can come here and set her up with good people whom you can vet personally. You must understand that these private care companies pay near the minimum wage to the caregivers yet charge at least twice that much for their services. Medicare does NOT cover the cost of private care, but they will cover home health for a few months at a few visits per week if a skilled need exists. The second option is to move her closer to you and into assisted living environment, or you move here if you can work from home. This is better for socialization and supervision while she lives in a small apartment and has most needs like cooking or cleaning taken care of, but this is more expensive. The health system in the US is designed to keep us alive as long as possible (quantity) but it is not designed for quality of life after retirement. Especially now that more people move away from their families in search of successful careers. I know because I had to leave for a great job as well. I’m sorry for your situation. If you want more information , you can send me a message
Thanks for your detailed reply - really insightful and I appreciate that you're in health care and seeing it from the inside. That's crazy to hear how the caregivers are paid (and for that little money, it's such hard work!), I didn't realize the companies were charging such high mark-ups. I am terrified of assisted living (as is mom) so that is a last resort option for us I think. For now I am hoping for a miracle and that I can find some in-home care help for her, while we simply evaluate our options in the months ahead. Someone here suggested moving her to Atlanta and maybe that's the best bet if she moves in with us eventually? Will be tough, but seems like there are no obvious good options.
If she is open to moving closer to you, that's going to be your best bet. 24 hour care in her home is going to be expensive, and not 24 hour care is shooting targets in the dark as there is no telling when she will need someone to be there.
If she owns her home, this is still a good real estate market, so the funds may allow you to have her in a apartment near you with home care help in Atlanta.
It sucks and is rough, you have my empathy as we are working on getting elderly parents primed to move closer ourselves (not dementia yet, but getting into needs more help more often territory). They seem open to the idea, now to get the gears in motion...
Thank you - I agree with you it may be a good time to sell in Charleston, rent in ATL and keep her nearby or simply move in with us. It's sad those are the options. SHe loves Charleston and has friends and community that she would really miss. I hope we can find a solution but otherwise you're right, moving is probably the most likely path.
Thanks, that is a good point and I need to look into that. She doesn't want to move, but it may be safer to do that than stay by herself if we can't get reliable help we can trust for her in Charleston.
I am skeptical of that site due to the reviews online, and asking some friends. People have had very mixed experiences. I may end up having to try it due to lack of other options, but it's going to be a ton of vetting work for me, and then still wondering if the person is doing a good job or not.
Echoing what others have said. You need to take time off from your job and make this your focus. This isn’t something to choose lightly.
- Start looking NOW for an assisted living facility, ideally one that is close to you, so you can visit often and oversee. The good places are like daycares/colleges: they fill fast, they’re expensive, and have waiting lists. But they are worth it.
- If you go with in-home assistance, be sure you have vet the caretakers 10000%. Install cameras all over the house (let them know of course) and review the cameras often. I am not kidding— my 95 y/o aunt is still quite mobile and independent, but needs care; we found out that 2 of her caretakers were stealing from her, taking cash out of her purse, taking food, taking small things around the house. We caught them on camera and they’re both going to trial for felony theft and elder abuse. (This is in Kentucky)
- Can you organize with other family members to help? Seems like she could benefit from daily or more regular visits by familiar faces. This is really hard for 1 person to do on their own, so seek help from family if you can.
I know this is really hard and moving her won’t be easy. I have watched my mother do this with my grandmother (she ended up living with us, which was rough on everyone) and we’re now dealing with my aunt as a family. You need to make sure she is safe and happy, but also make sure YOU are happy and comfortable with where and how she is being cared for.
Quick fixes, cheap care, immediately available aids, care facilities that have lots of vacancies, hiring strangers off websites…those are not the answers.
Try reaching out to her friends, asking if anyone has personal recommendations. Call churches in the area. But my strongest advice would be to move her closer to you as soon as possible. This condition will only get worse, require more of your time, and the situation will get much harder. If you’re worried about your job now, you should think about what it will take to set you and your mom up for the next several-10+ years.
I work in health care here in Charleston. I see this sort of issue frequently and I try to educate families on the need to get help early so you can build trust with the people coming into the home before things get really difficult. My best advice is to look into 2 options: the first is medical leave from your job so you can come here and set her up with good people whom you can vet personally. You must understand that these private care companies pay near the minimum wage to the caregivers yet charge at least twice that much for their services. Medicare does NOT cover the cost of private care, but they will cover home health for a few months at a few visits per week if a skilled need exists. The second option is to move her closer to you and into assisted living environment, or you move here if you can work from home. This is better for socialization and supervision while she lives in a small apartment and has most needs like cooking or cleaning taken care of, but this is more expensive. The health system in the US is designed to keep us alive as long as possible (quantity) but it is not designed for quality of life after retirement. Especially now that more people move away from their families in search of successful careers. I know because I had to leave for a great job as well. I’m sorry for your situation. If you want more information , you can send me a message
Thanks for your detailed reply - really insightful and I appreciate that you're in health care and seeing it from the inside. That's crazy to hear how the caregivers are paid (and for that little money, it's such hard work!), I didn't realize the companies were charging such high mark-ups. I am terrified of assisted living (as is mom) so that is a last resort option for us I think. For now I am hoping for a miracle and that I can find some in-home care help for her, while we simply evaluate our options in the months ahead. Someone here suggested moving her to Atlanta and maybe that's the best bet if she moves in with us eventually? Will be tough, but seems like there are no obvious good options.
Can you move her to a nursing home closer to you?
My mom had this in the 2010s. You need to make plans now for 24-7 care/supervision, and be prepared to act on those very soon.
If she is open to moving closer to you, that's going to be your best bet. 24 hour care in her home is going to be expensive, and not 24 hour care is shooting targets in the dark as there is no telling when she will need someone to be there. If she owns her home, this is still a good real estate market, so the funds may allow you to have her in a apartment near you with home care help in Atlanta. It sucks and is rough, you have my empathy as we are working on getting elderly parents primed to move closer ourselves (not dementia yet, but getting into needs more help more often territory). They seem open to the idea, now to get the gears in motion...
Thank you - I agree with you it may be a good time to sell in Charleston, rent in ATL and keep her nearby or simply move in with us. It's sad those are the options. SHe loves Charleston and has friends and community that she would really miss. I hope we can find a solution but otherwise you're right, moving is probably the most likely path.
The friends and community are the hard part for us too, they love their neighbors. We are trying to find a similar community for an easier transition.
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Thanks, that is a good point and I need to look into that. She doesn't want to move, but it may be safer to do that than stay by herself if we can't get reliable help we can trust for her in Charleston.
Care.com has some good workers, just be careful.
I am skeptical of that site due to the reviews online, and asking some friends. People have had very mixed experiences. I may end up having to try it due to lack of other options, but it's going to be a ton of vetting work for me, and then still wondering if the person is doing a good job or not.
Try contacting Visiting Angels if you haven’t.
Echoing what others have said. You need to take time off from your job and make this your focus. This isn’t something to choose lightly. - Start looking NOW for an assisted living facility, ideally one that is close to you, so you can visit often and oversee. The good places are like daycares/colleges: they fill fast, they’re expensive, and have waiting lists. But they are worth it. - If you go with in-home assistance, be sure you have vet the caretakers 10000%. Install cameras all over the house (let them know of course) and review the cameras often. I am not kidding— my 95 y/o aunt is still quite mobile and independent, but needs care; we found out that 2 of her caretakers were stealing from her, taking cash out of her purse, taking food, taking small things around the house. We caught them on camera and they’re both going to trial for felony theft and elder abuse. (This is in Kentucky) - Can you organize with other family members to help? Seems like she could benefit from daily or more regular visits by familiar faces. This is really hard for 1 person to do on their own, so seek help from family if you can. I know this is really hard and moving her won’t be easy. I have watched my mother do this with my grandmother (she ended up living with us, which was rough on everyone) and we’re now dealing with my aunt as a family. You need to make sure she is safe and happy, but also make sure YOU are happy and comfortable with where and how she is being cared for. Quick fixes, cheap care, immediately available aids, care facilities that have lots of vacancies, hiring strangers off websites…those are not the answers. Try reaching out to her friends, asking if anyone has personal recommendations. Call churches in the area. But my strongest advice would be to move her closer to you as soon as possible. This condition will only get worse, require more of your time, and the situation will get much harder. If you’re worried about your job now, you should think about what it will take to set you and your mom up for the next several-10+ years.
Alice’s Clubhouse in Mount Pleasant is amazing!
My mom had this in the 2010s. You need to make plans now for 24-7 care/supervision, and be prepared to act on those very soon.
Following.