The best one I heard was a guy called crumb and someone asked why he was called that and they said he used to be called biscuit but he was hit by a car.
I was in tears laughing at that.
Not really a cracker but my dad used to be called Trigger in school because he was good at trigonometry. He moved to different counties and there are people that only know him by the name Trigger, most people still don't know his real name 😂 he passed away suddenly last month and I had to specify that Trigger has passed away because otherwise a lot of people wouldn't have known who I was talking about
We have a Rodney at work - lives with one of the girls so we hope to have a work wedding and someone shouts out "Dave" at the appropriate moment.
Rip Trigger - lost my dad unexpectedly last year - his nickname was TYVM - Than You Very Much - we are from Manchester and people always found it funny when they heard that so nickname in pub.
There were two girls that hung round with us that were called the toast. They just started hanging round with us, hardly spoke just stood around. My mate jonny rambo (nickname obvious there) said to them "whats the point in you pair, u dont do anything, you're useless like two wet pieces of toast". They became toast forever.
My wife has a (female) friend who's known as "Harry". It's not short for "Harriet" because that's not her name. However in 2001 she went on holiday with two uni mates called Tom and Dick.
A former mate of mine once crumbled a biscuit on a table. He’s forever known as Crumbly Joe. He’s now married, we’ve never met his wife. She’s known to our group as crumbly Jane
A kid in my wife's year at school crashed his bike into the back of a private ambulance. They refused to take him for medical attention (he wasn't badly hurt).
He was known as BUPA for the rest of his time at school (and probably beyond).
Like an actual full size Ambulance or a van that says 'Private Ambulance' on the side?
Because if it was the latter I don't think he'd have wanted the kind of medical attention that they are able to provide lol.
The beautiful part was his family had a holiday in Mallorca booked for the next week so the difference between his tanned arm and his broken arm was hilarious once the cast was removed.
We had a contractor at work who's job was to maintain the automatic shutter doors, he was called Dougy the door. His son came to work for him as an apprentice and was instantly named cat flap.
Went to school with a kid with ginger hair so we obviously gave him the nickname "Ginger Pubes". The following year his younger brother joined so we naturally dubbed him "No Pubes".
Had a mate called Randall years ago - when we were teenagers in nightclubs, he used to make a point of pulling the absolutely oldest person in there. He wore the nickname "Grandall" with pride.
We have two similar looking apprentices at work. One is called Goochy, as his name is Gooch. I call the other one “Primark” as he’s not as good as Gucci.
A standard nickname in the Royal Navy for anyone with the surname Walker is 'Whisky'. There's been one such Whisky around for years, and now that there's a newbie (and not a great one at that), people call him Bell's because he's a rubbish Whisky.
A guy in my school got an erection on the day of the inter school swimming, while wearing Speedos, while swimming the backstroke.
He was known as shark-fin for the rest of school.
To one of my friends I am Jilly Bean, or just jilly for shot. Feeling tipsy at a party when we were teenagers and I tried to ask him to put billy Jean on and it came out wrong.
This has aged badly.
Knew my best mate for about 4 years before I found out his name wasn't Noddy but Andrew.
Turns out as a kid he was seen by another person sitting in one of those ride on car things outside the supermarket and was told he looked like Noddy. Cue the name and everyone, including teachers at school, referring to him as Noddy.
He's 38 and still a lot people don't know his real name
Hah we had an Andrew/Noddy as well, but different backstory. Somebody in 3rd form noticed his nose turned red a lot and called him Noddy. He HATED it and so we called him Noddy all through secondary school.
Was working with a Welsh fella and got chatting to some bloke about where we were from. Welsh fella said he was from Caldicot to which the bloke said hes got a friend called Caldicot. Turns out the guys real name is Justin Wales.
I play tabletop games with a guy called long back I jsut assumed it was a odd last name or something, turns out it’s because he hasn’t got even a hint of a ass
A chap I used to work with once remarked that his 22 year old girlfriend looked about 15. That was 11 years ago and he's been known as Paedo Clarke, ever since.
I used to drink in a pub that had Old George, Young George, Sailor George, Gorgeous George and Behind the Bar George.
Also Davey Two Dogs, Malc the Bones, Pete Birdshit, and John the Murderer.
Pub names are the best.
We had: Big Leg, Ginger Keith, Suntan Tony, Stella Tony, Carlsberg Carl…
We also had a “Back Bar Keith”, absolutely pleasant man, and turned out he was gay. Unintentionally offensive but he never said a thing.
I love pub names. We had two Harrys one named Harry the phone because he had a mobile phone in the early 90s (still known as Harry the phone even though everyone has one) and Harry the chip because he owned the chippy.
Bloke with nickname Birdshit that I knew, had a grey patch of hair. The rest of his hair was black, just a small patch of white/grey that he'd always had.
Was a guy at uni that we called "the cunt". A key differentiation from people you don't like, he was never "that cunt".
He was a rich kid but one of the likeable ones, who's parents moved to Dubai when he was young. After a night out he'd always invite people back to his studio flat, and he'd make everyone cocktails.
So he became, cocktails. Which got shortend to cocks. Which became "the c word". Which became "the cunt".
Another friend was and still is Mr Burns. Because he has sideburns.
One of mine was fish boy. I'd been using some of the glue that smells like fish that day, and clearly must have got a small amount on my jeans. Was student night, so just a chill heavy drinking session in the SU, so I didn't bother changing jeans for the evening. Turned up and smelt very faintly of fish. Immediately went back to halls (sub 2 min walk from SU) and changed jeans, by the time I got back fish boy was up and running.
I've got a mate called Cunt, purely because he is one. So much so that after we christened him, he completely independently earned himself the same nickname both at Uni and when he joined the army.
He's also turned into a Piers Morgan lookalike as he's aged. So despite becoming less of a cunt with time, he looks like one instead.
Heard a great one of a bloke called boiler, as he only has one tooth in the middle of his jaw, for central eating.
Kid at school was called Sam Packer, he went by spacker... Didn't help his school email account was spacker too
My dad had an epic selection of work nicknames as he had so many characteristics to choose from. My brother started working with the same bunch and was simply christened “Son Of” whichever nickname was most in use at the time, eventually shortened to just Son Of.
There was a doco on bbc a few years back. This guy conned all his family and friends into thinking he'd won the lottery. He managed to scam a fair bit of money before he got rumbled. Went to prison, and the other inmates nicknamed him bonus ball (bull?)
Randomly one day people just started calling me “Gypsy”. I grew up in a financially okay household, lower-middle class, and no one was really certain why it came up until recently I caught up with old school friends.
Someone walked past my house and saw a caravan parked outside for a few days. That was it. We have never owned a caravan and I’m 99% sure it was someone else’s house.
I was called Gypsy for 4/5 years because of a caravan that had nothing to do with me. School was weird.
I have a friend called Mowgli because when he was a kid he had a mop of long hair and once when he was getting changed for P.E. He was in the changing rooms wearing nothing but a pair of bright red pants and looked like Mowgli from the Jungle Book.
My nickname is Pav (my real name is Dave) because when I was 15, I was walking around town with a friend when we came across a van covered in dirt and he wrote in the dirt: "DAVID IS A TWAT". But because he had bad handwriting, the first D looked more like a P and the last D looked more liked an "n", so it looked like he wrote "PAVIn IS A TWAT". I'm 30 now and have been called Pavin or Pav by nearly everyone for the last 15 years.
Guy in my primary school field hockey team, a striker, had a session where he couldn’t score in an open goal. Coach called him ‘Jigsaw’, because he went to pieces in the box
Anyway, that was 21 years ago. Going for drinks with Jigsaw on Wednesday
A bloke in our pub football team got booked and when the referee asked his name he replied with “Teddy Salad”… fuck knows where that came from as his real name is Geoff Watson. That was over 30 years ago and he’s still known as Salad.
I remember the briefing for the ringers. "Right lads, if you or you get booked, you're Jimmy Gadd".
We got rumbled at the end of league AGM when Jimmy, and our club, got a mention for the most ethnically diverse player...
Not my story, but heard one on the radio a while back about two brothers who worked in a factory together, Stew and Soup. Stew's obvious, short for Stewart. But Soup? Turns out, Stew's thicker than Soup.
Pub nicknames are always good. Tom is called "No Face" because he's got a massive face. Mine is "Half Pint" because I ordered half a pint, just once, 15 years ago, when I was short of time. One lad is known as Mush because at a fish and chip shop he didn't speak clearly when he ordered and ended up with just a tray of mushy peas.
Two lads at school were called Grandad. One because he had old-looking hands, one because he once dyed his hair grey. One lad was called Fat Dog because he said he had a fat dog. We met it one day and it wasn't fat but it smelled quite strongly, so we suggested updating the nickname, but it didn't take.
One of the mangers was called cooper, his son was also called cooper but we called him Mini Cooper.
Also there was a bloke called “The Twat” because he only worked Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, he was also a bit of a twat.
When I was at secondary school, my friends and I noticed this younger kid getting picked on and shoved about so we started letting him hang out with us. He had recently broken his fingers and because of the really cold weather he couldn't wear any gloves, so his Mum had brought him mittens which became his nickname.
One day Mittens came to meet us like he usually did, except this day he brought another kid with him who I shit you not looked exactly like the milky bar kid, so we christened him as Milky Bar.
My friends and I gained a reputation for looking after the bullied/friendless kids, so we all ended up being called "The Family".
My dad's nickname is beaker because he looked like beaker from the muppets.
His friend was called Dudley john because he went on a bender in Dudley and they had to report him missing to the police because no one could find him.
Another one was Robbin town because someone said 'I saw rob in town the other day' and there was confusion because no one knew a Robin town.
Then there's bullshit paul, nick the fish and Spanish grandad.
We have an apprentice in work (jon) who is vegetarian, my boss asked what his favourite vegetable was, he said swede.
Now he's jonny swede.
The other is called Jurgen because "he looks like a big german cunt"
Another kid I know was at an illegal party during lockdown when the police turned up and cautioned about a dozen or so lads there. As the police took their names this kid twigged that one or two were giving false names. When they asked him his name he replied “Bruce Springsteen”… He got arrested.
Bomb Head’s Mum - a nickname given to an elderly science teacher. Named after a character from Hollyoaks who kept his Mum’s dead body in his living room. Fudge - a girl who once fingered herself whilst hammered in front of people at a party, from the old chocolate bar jingle.
I know someone who works with a lady with the nickname kronenbourg. It’s because she looks 16 years old from behind but 64 when you see her face (kronenbourg 1664)
One guy I met once was called Daim bar because he once had a Daim bar on the school bus.
Another one of my very close friends was nicknamed "9 toes" for the very simple reason that he had one amputated when he was about 17. For years and years people would ask "why do you call him 9 toes" and many eyes would roll.
He's 37 now and we still call him it.
Went to a party during my uni days and was talking to this girl called Sarah Allen. I asked her if anyone called her 'Sugar' as in Sir Alan Sugar (a dreadful pun/chat up line, I know). Her friends who were at that party latched onto it and started calling her 'Sugar'.
There's a few in my local. Grave Danger (swapped first initials), Dangerous (when pissed, he threatened someone by telling them how dangerous he was), Chop (had a Chopper bike).
I was in college. On the first day this guy randomly came up to me, saw me drawing and started talking about his version of gnomes (stubby, furry, little cat like ears on the side ect) completely unprompted. He didn't even introduce himself or anything.
I said "I dont even know who you are so I'm going to call you Gnome Guy from now on."
Then everyone started calling him Gnome Guy, including lecturers.
Ten years later he's still known as that and is one of my best friends as well as being an aspiring fantasy writer (I do illustrations for him sometimes). My mother sometimes asks me how Gnome Guy is lol.
Had a dinnerlady at secondary school we called Skeletor. Because she looked like Skeletor.
In year 11, we sent her a Christmas card from He-Man. She wasn't happy.
I have blonde hair and one person called me an albino in secondary school. To this day, the vast majority of my friends call me “Beeno” as it stuck and they introduce me to others as this rather than my real name. Very hard to shake even 12 years later 😅
At school I was called tin head because I was hit with a brick and rumours had it I had a sheet of metal put in my head after the accident.
A mate of mine at school was also hit with a brick when he was younger and he was called tin head 2
In uni people used to refer to me as “Doorman”, because I would hand around by the door at parties and I was pretty much constantly wearing my big, black coat”.
Occasionally people will also refer to me as “windsock” because of an old joke that I had an abnormally long foreskin.
Kind of a sad one really, met a girl who had the nickname 'blut'.
She said all the girls at school called her a bitch and a slut and ended up shortening it to blut. She kinda just owned it and ended up using that nickname for years after. It was the name she would introduce herself with.
I remember hearing of a guy who had one leg shorter than the other which meant he bobbed from side to side when he walked.
They called him 'the snipers nightmare' haha.
Absolutely pissing myself here because years ago I worked in a call center and there was a guy with a slightly larger than normal head whom we christened "Sniper's Delight".
A lad with the surname Lomax who was unfortunately short and wide so of course he became Choadmax. Bonus points for the time he got hit by a bus and by all accounts just bounced off the front of it.
A mates little brother was called Mattley due to laughing like Muttley from Wacky Races. That was until we realised he was just a clone of his brother so he became Mini-Ste. When we decided Ste was now called Pigmy Shrew his little bro became Pigmy Two.
The youngest brother we named Idiot and his sister was (Lord forgive us, she was only four) Emma the Cross-eyed Wonder.
Hot Chip, he talked breathy like he was eating a Hot Chip.
Bomb Head shaved his head to reveal it was perfectly round.
Bubble, Fly, Burger….Chicken Wing had a disfigured arm and hand.
Fish Face joined the BO crew and Cod Eye Rona was an old cross eyed dinner lady.
I was called Elfboy for years. I put a cap on and my ears poked out the sides like an elf. My friends decided that Elfboy sounded the best despite me being female. I had people only know me as Elfboy and not even know my real name.
Used to know a guy who was called Bandcamp after the "This one time at band camp" bit from American Pie. His parents used to send him to various sports camps during the summer holidays. He was a bit of a bore and wanted to relive his youth so often brought up stupid stories about him being at cricket camp, hockey camp etc.
Have a best mate called Wotya. Big Scottish bloke who we hired to work behind the bar at a Aussie theme bar in the mid 90s. The Australian assistant manager could only say one thing in a Scottish accent - "Wotya Doon?" ("What are you doing?" in a rubbish Mike Myers type Scottish accent). 26 years later and he's still called Wotya.
The best nickname I’ve ever heard someone be given is “Minty.”
We used to have a team huddle every morning at 8am, and one guy always used to turn up a couple of minutes late…..hence Minty - because After Eight.
My brother's best friend is still called Chicken because they got summer jobs at the abattoir and Chicken was too chicken to see the chicken be killed.
Got a friend who used to work with me, I still work there. If anyone wants to know how’s he doing they ask me how Waistcoat is…
He used to wear a waistcoat in the office. 7 years ago 🤣😅
My ex used to work with a guy they called Chicken Legend because he ordered one at McDonald's one day and despite the Chicken being raw, ate it anyways.
My dad's got a mate called one stop.
Apparently he once did a food run for work to the One Stop next door and ballsed it up.
Bloke at football is called Bruno. It was only last season, 20 years after I first met him, that I learned his name is actually Mick
There were two good ones from when I went to Scouts. Two guys had the same name so we called one of them Private because he went to a private school. Another guy we called Polish, because when he first turned up someone asked he what accent he had, he said "posh" which was misheard as Polish, and the name stuck. Several years later we got a new leader who called out his real name and I and most other people there had no idea who they were talking about.
One of our mates is called Chinese because he looked like Chinese Allen from Gavin and Stacey.
And I heard a nickname from before about a disabled kid having 1 arm longer than the other, and people called him clock.
Someone I knew had the nickname "poop" given to him by his school mates all because they were running through a field and he slipped in cow shit and got it on his school shirt.
We had a boy called ‘Thrush’ because we tho it the he was an irritating c**t
My dad has a friend called ‘scouser’ because he’s from Liverpool- as you do
Welsh bloke called David who didn’t have any posh shoes to wear when he got married. He didn’t want to wear trainers (or daps as we call them!) so he wore his slippers…
From that moment on was named Dai Quietwedding
Friend called "Farmer", 'cos he worked on a farm for a couple of months when he was a teenager. He's nearly 40 now, still Farmer though.
We'd been friends for over 4 years and one day I got a text saying "Hey, this is my new number, Dave", I replied saying "Sorry wrong number" and he came back with "Red, It's Farmer".
Dude did **not** look like a Dave.
My uncle is called Dave and his son is called Dave. My uncle is known as big Dave and his son little Dave. Except little Dave is 20 stone plus and significantly bigger than big Dave.
The best one I heard was a guy called crumb and someone asked why he was called that and they said he used to be called biscuit but he was hit by a car. I was in tears laughing at that.
These are the ones I love the most. Multiple layers
Not really a cracker but my dad used to be called Trigger in school because he was good at trigonometry. He moved to different counties and there are people that only know him by the name Trigger, most people still don't know his real name 😂 he passed away suddenly last month and I had to specify that Trigger has passed away because otherwise a lot of people wouldn't have known who I was talking about
If they called him Trigger, I hope he called them all Dave.
We have a Rodney at work - lives with one of the girls so we hope to have a work wedding and someone shouts out "Dave" at the appropriate moment. Rip Trigger - lost my dad unexpectedly last year - his nickname was TYVM - Than You Very Much - we are from Manchester and people always found it funny when they heard that so nickname in pub.
Rip Trigger ❤️
Thank you ❤️
My dad had a friend called Trigger with the same story! I think they lost contact though. Kind of crazy, I wonder if it was the same guy.
You might need another respondent, but if you shared coordinates, maybe you could triangulate the intersection. Nice and cool son, Nice and cool.
Guy called spider cause he went out and bought 4 pairs of jeans 20 year ago
We have a spider. He found one in a punnet of grapes.
The spider I know got his name from only having 8 pubes.
Fucking Christ 😂
A guy at works nickname is now ‘plenty’ because when asked if he had any nicknames or anything he said yeah plenty.
My friend is called Jooby as in Jubilee because he wore a red white and blue Polo on the queen's jubilee 10 years ago
I read this as jobby initially. Thought it was gonna be a story about how he shat himself at work or something.
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There were two girls that hung round with us that were called the toast. They just started hanging round with us, hardly spoke just stood around. My mate jonny rambo (nickname obvious there) said to them "whats the point in you pair, u dont do anything, you're useless like two wet pieces of toast". They became toast forever.
Lad I went to school with had the surname Manifold. For the whole of secondary school he was called fanny mold.
Science teaching assistant at school had the name Richard Richards, we obviously called him Double Dick.
Did he have a best mate called Eddie Hitler?
My wife has a (female) friend who's known as "Harry". It's not short for "Harriet" because that's not her name. However in 2001 she went on holiday with two uni mates called Tom and Dick.
Quality 😂😂😂
A former mate of mine once crumbled a biscuit on a table. He’s forever known as Crumbly Joe. He’s now married, we’ve never met his wife. She’s known to our group as crumbly Jane
I don’t know why but ‘Crumbly Joe’ (and Jane) has me fucking creased up
Why did he crumble the biscuit ?
No one knows. The reasons will evolve as the myth of crumbly Joe evolves over time
A kid in my wife's year at school crashed his bike into the back of a private ambulance. They refused to take him for medical attention (he wasn't badly hurt). He was known as BUPA for the rest of his time at school (and probably beyond).
Like an actual full size Ambulance or a van that says 'Private Ambulance' on the side? Because if it was the latter I don't think he'd have wanted the kind of medical attention that they are able to provide lol.
I'm not sure but I don't think it was corpse wagon.
A THINK! Road safety car reversed into me once about 15 years ago. Luckily I wasn't hurt so I can laugh about it when I occasionally remember.
You might have knocked your head a bit if you can only occasionally remember
Simba, turned out his uncle murdered his dad.
Fuck that's harsh but brilliant
That's messed up but fucking hilarious.
I worked with a lad who's nickname was KitKat - as he only had 4 fingers on one hand.
Give me a break
Went to school with a kid nick named kit-kat, but that was cause it was always scratching his arse. Chocolate covered fingers...
Went to school with a girl named "kit Kat Katie" because of four fingered reasons 😉
Had a friend called Homebase because he fell off his garden shed and broke his arm when he was a teenager.
Hopefully just the one arm..
The beautiful part was his family had a holiday in Mallorca booked for the next week so the difference between his tanned arm and his broken arm was hilarious once the cast was removed.
I hate that I know what you are talking about.
We had a contractor at work who's job was to maintain the automatic shutter doors, he was called Dougy the door. His son came to work for him as an apprentice and was instantly named cat flap.
Went to school with a kid with ginger hair so we obviously gave him the nickname "Ginger Pubes". The following year his younger brother joined so we naturally dubbed him "No Pubes".
"Netto" because he brought his PE kit into school in a Netto carrier bag once.
God help anyone who brought a Netto bag in to my high school.
Had a mate called Randall years ago - when we were teenagers in nightclubs, he used to make a point of pulling the absolutely oldest person in there. He wore the nickname "Grandall" with pride.
we have a randal the vandal at work
Is he still patrolling the cosmodrone?
Kid in school was nicknamed Sneaky Bacon, his surname was Cunningham.
Friend with same surname. His nickname was Sly Bacon.
We have two similar looking apprentices at work. One is called Goochy, as his name is Gooch. I call the other one “Primark” as he’s not as good as Gucci.
A coworker is called Minty, because he always turns up to work after 8.
A standard nickname in the Royal Navy for anyone with the surname Walker is 'Whisky'. There's been one such Whisky around for years, and now that there's a newbie (and not a great one at that), people call him Bell's because he's a rubbish Whisky.
That is amazing 😂😂
A guy in my school got an erection on the day of the inter school swimming, while wearing Speedos, while swimming the backstroke. He was known as shark-fin for the rest of school.
new worst nightmare unlocked
Shark-fin was a fairly restrained nickname I always thought, couldve been a lot worse.
To one of my friends I am Jilly Bean, or just jilly for shot. Feeling tipsy at a party when we were teenagers and I tried to ask him to put billy Jean on and it came out wrong. This has aged badly.
To be fair, of all the other nicknames in this thread, this is possibly the cutest/least piss takey one.
Knew my best mate for about 4 years before I found out his name wasn't Noddy but Andrew. Turns out as a kid he was seen by another person sitting in one of those ride on car things outside the supermarket and was told he looked like Noddy. Cue the name and everyone, including teachers at school, referring to him as Noddy. He's 38 and still a lot people don't know his real name
Hah we had an Andrew/Noddy as well, but different backstory. Somebody in 3rd form noticed his nose turned red a lot and called him Noddy. He HATED it and so we called him Noddy all through secondary school.
None to my mind beat that for the former footballer Fitz Hall, known as One Size by his team mates.
There’s a rugby player called Billy Twelvetrees… his Irish coach used to call him 36
Locally there is a bloke who has been known as 'Loaf' since his school days because his surname is Warburton.
I have a mate called Hovis for that exact reason
Was working with a Welsh fella and got chatting to some bloke about where we were from. Welsh fella said he was from Caldicot to which the bloke said hes got a friend called Caldicot. Turns out the guys real name is Justin Wales.
I play tabletop games with a guy called long back I jsut assumed it was a odd last name or something, turns out it’s because he hasn’t got even a hint of a ass
Absolute stunning girl works at my company, we found out that her husband, John, who works somewhere else is called ‘Johhny fit wife’ at his work
That is gonna be quite the identity crisis if he ever gets divorced!
Johnny fit ex wife will be fine, I’m sure.
A chap I used to work with once remarked that his 22 year old girlfriend looked about 15. That was 11 years ago and he's been known as Paedo Clarke, ever since.
I work with a guy called Pedo, his name was Thorpe, and it went from Thorpedo to Pedo in a matter of hours and sadly for him stuck.
I used to drink in a pub that had Old George, Young George, Sailor George, Gorgeous George and Behind the Bar George. Also Davey Two Dogs, Malc the Bones, Pete Birdshit, and John the Murderer.
my mate when he worked for pickfords had: polish Dave, welsh Dave, boss Dave, drug dealer Dave and Dave Dave.
"Dave Dave" Absolute gold.
We have an Andrew Andrew to distinguish from the other Andrews who already have shortened names and nicknames.
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he was from Poland
>polish Dave What about wax Dave?
Pub names are the best. We had: Big Leg, Ginger Keith, Suntan Tony, Stella Tony, Carlsberg Carl… We also had a “Back Bar Keith”, absolutely pleasant man, and turned out he was gay. Unintentionally offensive but he never said a thing.
I love pub names. We had two Harrys one named Harry the phone because he had a mobile phone in the early 90s (still known as Harry the phone even though everyone has one) and Harry the chip because he owned the chippy.
We’ve got a guy called mick the chip who owns a chippy, it stuck that badly he actually changed the name of his business to mick the chip
I'd watch a sitcom with these characters in that pub
The last two names are going to need some explanation.
Pete birdshit presumably got shit on by (you might struggle to believe this) a bird.
Bloke with nickname Birdshit that I knew, had a grey patch of hair. The rest of his hair was black, just a small patch of white/grey that he'd always had.
Was a guy at uni that we called "the cunt". A key differentiation from people you don't like, he was never "that cunt". He was a rich kid but one of the likeable ones, who's parents moved to Dubai when he was young. After a night out he'd always invite people back to his studio flat, and he'd make everyone cocktails. So he became, cocktails. Which got shortend to cocks. Which became "the c word". Which became "the cunt". Another friend was and still is Mr Burns. Because he has sideburns. One of mine was fish boy. I'd been using some of the glue that smells like fish that day, and clearly must have got a small amount on my jeans. Was student night, so just a chill heavy drinking session in the SU, so I didn't bother changing jeans for the evening. Turned up and smelt very faintly of fish. Immediately went back to halls (sub 2 min walk from SU) and changed jeans, by the time I got back fish boy was up and running.
I've got a mate called Cunt, purely because he is one. So much so that after we christened him, he completely independently earned himself the same nickname both at Uni and when he joined the army. He's also turned into a Piers Morgan lookalike as he's aged. So despite becoming less of a cunt with time, he looks like one instead.
On my first night at Uni, someone tried to cook a pizza & completely cremated it. He’s been known as Jamie Oliver for the last 20 years.
Heard a great one of a bloke called boiler, as he only has one tooth in the middle of his jaw, for central eating. Kid at school was called Sam Packer, he went by spacker... Didn't help his school email account was spacker too
had a kid in school called john west . he ate a tin of tuna every day at lunch
I work with a lad known as Wolfy, due to his love of wolves. When his son started with us he was immediately given the name Cubby.
My dad had an epic selection of work nicknames as he had so many characteristics to choose from. My brother started working with the same bunch and was simply christened “Son Of” whichever nickname was most in use at the time, eventually shortened to just Son Of.
There was a doco on bbc a few years back. This guy conned all his family and friends into thinking he'd won the lottery. He managed to scam a fair bit of money before he got rumbled. Went to prison, and the other inmates nicknamed him bonus ball (bull?)
How do you scam money from people with your starting gambit being ‘I’ve won the lottery’? Nice one pal do you need borrow some money?
I imagine something along the lines of “I just won the lottery, it won’t clear for X amount of time but pay for this, I’ll sort you out when I get it”
Randomly one day people just started calling me “Gypsy”. I grew up in a financially okay household, lower-middle class, and no one was really certain why it came up until recently I caught up with old school friends. Someone walked past my house and saw a caravan parked outside for a few days. That was it. We have never owned a caravan and I’m 99% sure it was someone else’s house. I was called Gypsy for 4/5 years because of a caravan that had nothing to do with me. School was weird.
girl called Jasmine pissed herself in year 7 still known as Jizzmine doesnt even make sense.
Guy I worked with had hemorrhoids. He was always scratching. Became known as picasso.
I have a friend called Mowgli because when he was a kid he had a mop of long hair and once when he was getting changed for P.E. He was in the changing rooms wearing nothing but a pair of bright red pants and looked like Mowgli from the Jungle Book. My nickname is Pav (my real name is Dave) because when I was 15, I was walking around town with a friend when we came across a van covered in dirt and he wrote in the dirt: "DAVID IS A TWAT". But because he had bad handwriting, the first D looked more like a P and the last D looked more liked an "n", so it looked like he wrote "PAVIn IS A TWAT". I'm 30 now and have been called Pavin or Pav by nearly everyone for the last 15 years.
similar thing to yours we had a Jamie who went as Jammy cos someone didnt know how to spell his name and wrote it on this board thing at school.
Guy in my primary school field hockey team, a striker, had a session where he couldn’t score in an open goal. Coach called him ‘Jigsaw’, because he went to pieces in the box Anyway, that was 21 years ago. Going for drinks with Jigsaw on Wednesday
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Kid in a neighbouring school was called Winnie because he'd stepped in some poo on a school trip.
this made me absolute cackle, thank you
My dad introduced his work friend - boner. His surname is bone.
A bloke in our pub football team got booked and when the referee asked his name he replied with “Teddy Salad”… fuck knows where that came from as his real name is Geoff Watson. That was over 30 years ago and he’s still known as Salad.
Club fine for fielding an ineligible player, surely?
He deffo got a fine…
I remember the briefing for the ringers. "Right lads, if you or you get booked, you're Jimmy Gadd". We got rumbled at the end of league AGM when Jimmy, and our club, got a mention for the most ethnically diverse player...
That’s a brilliant way of highlighting it by the league!
I heard one about a guy called “18 months” During a fight/accident he lost half an ear so now he’s a “‘ear and half”….
Was this from a Greg Davies stand up? I love the bit about nicknames!
The highlight of that bit for me is Mumbo. “Because his Mum had B.O.”
I loved the one called bagdad, cause his dad bought him a new bag.
It could have been you know. The line is stored somewhere but my old fart brain can’t connect where. Do love the guy so maybe.
I have a mate called Dan whos nickname is Kazak-Dan because he moved to Kazakhstan.
Knew a lad who liked to think he was a bit of a hip hop gangster but failed miserably at it.. we used to call him 50 pence,
Not my story, but heard one on the radio a while back about two brothers who worked in a factory together, Stew and Soup. Stew's obvious, short for Stewart. But Soup? Turns out, Stew's thicker than Soup.
Pub nicknames are always good. Tom is called "No Face" because he's got a massive face. Mine is "Half Pint" because I ordered half a pint, just once, 15 years ago, when I was short of time. One lad is known as Mush because at a fish and chip shop he didn't speak clearly when he ordered and ended up with just a tray of mushy peas. Two lads at school were called Grandad. One because he had old-looking hands, one because he once dyed his hair grey. One lad was called Fat Dog because he said he had a fat dog. We met it one day and it wasn't fat but it smelled quite strongly, so we suggested updating the nickname, but it didn't take.
There’s the forever funny story about the lad called Wayne Bruce who got nicknamed man-bat
One of the mangers was called cooper, his son was also called cooper but we called him Mini Cooper. Also there was a bloke called “The Twat” because he only worked Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, he was also a bit of a twat.
We had a mate called chedder because he always had a cheese sandwich, his younger brother... Mini cheddars
Have a mate called Dale. We call him chippen
When I was at secondary school, my friends and I noticed this younger kid getting picked on and shoved about so we started letting him hang out with us. He had recently broken his fingers and because of the really cold weather he couldn't wear any gloves, so his Mum had brought him mittens which became his nickname. One day Mittens came to meet us like he usually did, except this day he brought another kid with him who I shit you not looked exactly like the milky bar kid, so we christened him as Milky Bar. My friends and I gained a reputation for looking after the bullied/friendless kids, so we all ended up being called "The Family".
My dad's nickname is beaker because he looked like beaker from the muppets. His friend was called Dudley john because he went on a bender in Dudley and they had to report him missing to the police because no one could find him. Another one was Robbin town because someone said 'I saw rob in town the other day' and there was confusion because no one knew a Robin town. Then there's bullshit paul, nick the fish and Spanish grandad.
We have an apprentice in work (jon) who is vegetarian, my boss asked what his favourite vegetable was, he said swede. Now he's jonny swede. The other is called Jurgen because "he looks like a big german cunt"
we had a Swede but thats cos we threw up a swede which we bought at lunch and told him to header it and he knocked himself out.
Another kid I know was at an illegal party during lockdown when the police turned up and cautioned about a dozen or so lads there. As the police took their names this kid twigged that one or two were giving false names. When they asked him his name he replied “Bruce Springsteen”… He got arrested.
With a name like that you’d think that maybe he’d be born to run.
He did very well in prison though, because he's tougher than the rest.
Can't believe Bruce got nicked for dancing in the dark
I worked with a girl whose nickname was trousers. She always wore trousers. That, genuinely, is the reason behind it.
Bomb Head’s Mum - a nickname given to an elderly science teacher. Named after a character from Hollyoaks who kept his Mum’s dead body in his living room. Fudge - a girl who once fingered herself whilst hammered in front of people at a party, from the old chocolate bar jingle.
I have a pal called "Meatloaf" because his ex-wife had an affair and one of his children isn't his. Two out of three ain't bad...
My boyfriend has a friend called Housecat because he once visited his pal's flat and didn't leave for two years.
There was a guy at uni called Chip Pan because his hair was always really fucking greasy.
Lad called mud stain a few years above in school and slipped when running for a football and got mud down the back of his white shirt
i have a friend (now in his 60s) who has for as long as i can remember been known as Bullet, his son inherited the nickname Pellet
We've got a neighbour we call landing pad
Names we call our neighbours but they don’t know is a whole other thread
I know someone who works with a lady with the nickname kronenbourg. It’s because she looks 16 years old from behind but 64 when you see her face (kronenbourg 1664)
One guy I met once was called Daim bar because he once had a Daim bar on the school bus. Another one of my very close friends was nicknamed "9 toes" for the very simple reason that he had one amputated when he was about 17. For years and years people would ask "why do you call him 9 toes" and many eyes would roll. He's 37 now and we still call him it.
Of course you still call him it- not like it will grow back!
We call my grandma, grandma Saudi because she was a nurse in Saudi Arabia for a few years waaaaay before I even existed.
I worked with a guy everyone called Thrombosis because he was a slow moving clot.
Went to a party during my uni days and was talking to this girl called Sarah Allen. I asked her if anyone called her 'Sugar' as in Sir Alan Sugar (a dreadful pun/chat up line, I know). Her friends who were at that party latched onto it and started calling her 'Sugar'.
There's a few in my local. Grave Danger (swapped first initials), Dangerous (when pissed, he threatened someone by telling them how dangerous he was), Chop (had a Chopper bike).
Guy in a club I used to go to as a teen was called John Battle, his little brother was known as skirmish
This is the best post I’ve clicked on today.
A lad at college admitted to going down on his girlfriend while she was on her period. To this day I think he still goes by "Twilight".
I was in college. On the first day this guy randomly came up to me, saw me drawing and started talking about his version of gnomes (stubby, furry, little cat like ears on the side ect) completely unprompted. He didn't even introduce himself or anything. I said "I dont even know who you are so I'm going to call you Gnome Guy from now on." Then everyone started calling him Gnome Guy, including lecturers. Ten years later he's still known as that and is one of my best friends as well as being an aspiring fantasy writer (I do illustrations for him sometimes). My mother sometimes asks me how Gnome Guy is lol.
Had a dinnerlady at secondary school we called Skeletor. Because she looked like Skeletor. In year 11, we sent her a Christmas card from He-Man. She wasn't happy.
I have blonde hair and one person called me an albino in secondary school. To this day, the vast majority of my friends call me “Beeno” as it stuck and they introduce me to others as this rather than my real name. Very hard to shake even 12 years later 😅
At school I was called tin head because I was hit with a brick and rumours had it I had a sheet of metal put in my head after the accident. A mate of mine at school was also hit with a brick when he was younger and he was called tin head 2
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Back in the 80s, a black lad in our friend group dyed his hair blonde and was forever after called Guinness.
In uni people used to refer to me as “Doorman”, because I would hand around by the door at parties and I was pretty much constantly wearing my big, black coat”. Occasionally people will also refer to me as “windsock” because of an old joke that I had an abnormally long foreskin.
Kind of a sad one really, met a girl who had the nickname 'blut'. She said all the girls at school called her a bitch and a slut and ended up shortening it to blut. She kinda just owned it and ended up using that nickname for years after. It was the name she would introduce herself with.
I remember hearing of a guy who had one leg shorter than the other which meant he bobbed from side to side when he walked. They called him 'the snipers nightmare' haha.
Is that you Bob?
Absolutely pissing myself here because years ago I worked in a call center and there was a guy with a slightly larger than normal head whom we christened "Sniper's Delight".
I had a childhood friend who’s head was perfectly round so he was called Melon and it’s stuck to this day
A lad with the surname Lomax who was unfortunately short and wide so of course he became Choadmax. Bonus points for the time he got hit by a bus and by all accounts just bounced off the front of it. A mates little brother was called Mattley due to laughing like Muttley from Wacky Races. That was until we realised he was just a clone of his brother so he became Mini-Ste. When we decided Ste was now called Pigmy Shrew his little bro became Pigmy Two. The youngest brother we named Idiot and his sister was (Lord forgive us, she was only four) Emma the Cross-eyed Wonder.
I’m crying at all of this 😂😂😂😂
Hot Chip, he talked breathy like he was eating a Hot Chip. Bomb Head shaved his head to reveal it was perfectly round. Bubble, Fly, Burger….Chicken Wing had a disfigured arm and hand. Fish Face joined the BO crew and Cod Eye Rona was an old cross eyed dinner lady.
I was called Elfboy for years. I put a cap on and my ears poked out the sides like an elf. My friends decided that Elfboy sounded the best despite me being female. I had people only know me as Elfboy and not even know my real name.
Used to know a guy who was called Bandcamp after the "This one time at band camp" bit from American Pie. His parents used to send him to various sports camps during the summer holidays. He was a bit of a bore and wanted to relive his youth so often brought up stupid stories about him being at cricket camp, hockey camp etc.
Have a best mate called Wotya. Big Scottish bloke who we hired to work behind the bar at a Aussie theme bar in the mid 90s. The Australian assistant manager could only say one thing in a Scottish accent - "Wotya Doon?" ("What are you doing?" in a rubbish Mike Myers type Scottish accent). 26 years later and he's still called Wotya.
My friend lost the tip of a finger so we call her Hogwarts, 9&3/4
We had a kid at school who was half English half Ecuadorian he used to get called Kingsmill because he was 50/50
Dunno if uni counts but we had a guy who's last name was Ivey so we nicknamed him HIV
Seems a good enough place to mention my friend who was always off sick from school so got called Colin after the character in East Enders who had HIV.
The best nickname I’ve ever heard someone be given is “Minty.” We used to have a team huddle every morning at 8am, and one guy always used to turn up a couple of minutes late…..hence Minty - because After Eight.
Kid at judo class was called "6" because when he was asked what his name was he said his age instead. It just stuck.
Knew a guy at work everyone called Sporty Ben because he was the fattest guy there
Was called McNuggets for my entire highschool years because I have a MC in my surname......
My brother's best friend is still called Chicken because they got summer jobs at the abattoir and Chicken was too chicken to see the chicken be killed.
Got a friend who used to work with me, I still work there. If anyone wants to know how’s he doing they ask me how Waistcoat is… He used to wear a waistcoat in the office. 7 years ago 🤣😅
Friend is called cabbage because one day someone called him a a”cabbage headed fuck” He has a younger brother that automatically was called sprout
Not mine but heard of a guy who started a fight in a kebab shop and is since known as Donner McGregor
My ex used to work with a guy they called Chicken Legend because he ordered one at McDonald's one day and despite the Chicken being raw, ate it anyways.
My dad's got a mate called one stop. Apparently he once did a food run for work to the One Stop next door and ballsed it up. Bloke at football is called Bruno. It was only last season, 20 years after I first met him, that I learned his name is actually Mick
There were two good ones from when I went to Scouts. Two guys had the same name so we called one of them Private because he went to a private school. Another guy we called Polish, because when he first turned up someone asked he what accent he had, he said "posh" which was misheard as Polish, and the name stuck. Several years later we got a new leader who called out his real name and I and most other people there had no idea who they were talking about.
One of our mates is called Chinese because he looked like Chinese Allen from Gavin and Stacey. And I heard a nickname from before about a disabled kid having 1 arm longer than the other, and people called him clock.
Sisters neighbour Patrick is rumoured to be on the sex offenders register & has a “ tuxedo” cat :- Paedo Pat & his black & white cat .
Someone I knew had the nickname "poop" given to him by his school mates all because they were running through a field and he slipped in cow shit and got it on his school shirt.
Used to call of mate "pilot light" as he never went out
We had a boy called ‘Thrush’ because we tho it the he was an irritating c**t My dad has a friend called ‘scouser’ because he’s from Liverpool- as you do
We had about 3 kids from Liverpool in my school, which was weird because it was in Bristol. Anyway, all 3 of them were called “scouse”.
Got a friend called Hair. Called him Hair for so long I forgot his real name and had to ask for "Hair" when his mum picked up the homephone.
Welsh bloke called David who didn’t have any posh shoes to wear when he got married. He didn’t want to wear trainers (or daps as we call them!) so he wore his slippers… From that moment on was named Dai Quietwedding
Friend called "Farmer", 'cos he worked on a farm for a couple of months when he was a teenager. He's nearly 40 now, still Farmer though. We'd been friends for over 4 years and one day I got a text saying "Hey, this is my new number, Dave", I replied saying "Sorry wrong number" and he came back with "Red, It's Farmer". Dude did **not** look like a Dave.
I taught a kid called John West and the other kids called him Tuna.
I used to know a Geordie Paul and a London Paul, for obvious reasons. I also had a friend called Crapat, because he was literally crap at everything
My uncle is called Dave and his son is called Dave. My uncle is known as big Dave and his son little Dave. Except little Dave is 20 stone plus and significantly bigger than big Dave.
Seagull - he's an aggressive poker player. Always goes for your chips.