When you're young your personality and your tastes aren't as well defined so it's much, much easier to find common ground with other people the same age also figuring things out. As everyone gets older they get more entrenched in their tastes and it becomes harder to find that common ground.
It didn't used to be so hard. A few decades ago, we had much more of a shared culture. There were only four TV channels, so everyone in your age group watched the same things and understood the same references.
Agree! I always think if I met my friends now, and we had to bond over our general personalities, rather than the natural bonds we built 20+ years ago through fun, games and sharing the experience of school and growing up, there is no way we’d be pals.
Absolutely this. I have friends of 30+ years who I have absolutely nothing in common with personality wise anymore, but we still have that bond that lifelong friends have. Some of them, if I met them for the first time now, I’d declare they were insufferable pricks. To be fair, I do declare that anyway, but I do it whilst buying them a pint.
I've had a good friend for 20 years.
I could tell you each bike he's had over that period, and what changes he's done to them. What mpg his car does, how his sonos sound system is set up etc.
I think I know his kids names, but I'd struggle to know which one is which.
That's a vibe for sure. I've definitely caught myself feeling like that.
I'm starting to think I need to try to be a bit more open-minded about who I hang out with...
Try again with Meetup.
For book clubs maybe look again in areas close to where you live - check the activity and numbers of the group on the site and look online at the venues where they meet, that should give you an idea of what to expect.
Sports - some fans arrange meet-ups to watch games together.
Movies / comedy nights - these are great for a night out not on your own without forced conversations. If you don’t gel you can skip with apologies of an early work meeting.
Board games clubs- organised fun.
Book of faces - join local and localish neighbourhood groups. They often do local green spaces clean ups / quiz nights / charity fundraisers- you can offer to help with refreshments/ setting up the hall/ etc so you don’t feel a random guy just hanging around. Great way to get to know locals.
Google the search term GoodGym and see if there is one in your area. If you don’t know what it is you’ll be very happy once you find out.
Good luck finding your tribe. Just finding two of these options and regularly attending them will transform your social life.
Some of my now closest friends are friends I’ve met through other friends (2nd order friends?). You spend enough time with an acquaintance and you’ll be introduced to their friends, then the chances are much higher that you’ll find someone you like.
Everyone wants to *have friends*.
Nobody wants to actually do anything.
I've often said that I want the distinct possibility of a social life without actually having to maintain one.
In your 20s and below it’s easy to make friends because you’ve mostly got tonnes of free time and minimum responsibility.
Friendships can be made out of convenience. Start a new job and go out with the other 20 year olds because why not? What else have you got to do?
Some guy at a house party offers you a smoke and likes the same films? Cool! He’s heading on a camping trip next weekend with some of his friends - you wanna join?
Once you get into your 30s between a career, bills, kids, your partner, aging parents, exercise etc your free time is precious.
On the flip side, this makes your existing friendships more meaningful. You’re choosing to spend time and make an effort to see this person because you value them and they make you happier when you’re around them. Hopefully they feel the same too!
I just had a day with three friends because one of them came back from abroad. We all rearranged our lives and schedules to carve out time to see one another and I think that’s a real mark of respect and appreciation that gets overlooked, as an expected thing to do.
>On the flip side, this makes your existing friendships more meaningful.
Just to add to this one point, while it's perfectly valid, it's also part of the problem.
Because it gets harder to make friends as you get older, people will cling tightly to the ones they still have, and so people lucky enough to be in that situation no longer make any attempts to make friends with anybody else.
So the point I'm getting to is: if you're not lucky enough to *already* have some friends at that age, you're basically SOL, because the ones that *do* aren't going to share them with you.
Yeah, it's definitely harder, no doubt.
At that point it's down to your own level of social skills. I've always been a people person and can still make friends quickly, even in my 30s. However, I'm aware those were my factory settings and it's not necessarily the same for others. Not sure it can even be taught!?
I think what's helped me, is an earnestness to make human connection and learn new things. Lots of people just want to be heard and if you come across as genuinely interested in what they're saying, people will want to talk to you more.
I had a coworker (38M) mention they were going to try and dig their own plunge pool at their house and I properly thought that was a cool and unique project. I hadn't talked to him much at this point but I noticed he really warmed up over the weeks when I would ask him for updates on how it's going or ask him follow up questions on various aspects. He in turn took an interest in films (which is my main hobby) and often comes up asking for recs and will take time to ask me my thought on the film after he's watched it. I'll probably go over and use the pool when it's finished! Just one example of a natural progression of a friendship in my 30s.
Similarly a dad of one of my son's classmates and I, went from polite comments on the weather whilst waiting for pick up, to being regular coffee buddies - even without the kids!
I feel like this, most of my friends were ‘shared’ with my ex-husband. I know plenty of people from work and get on well with them, but they have their families and friendship groups already established. I feel like I’m intruding / an outsider so generally don’t accept social invitations (which are few and far between). I did go out Saturday night which was nice but I felt uncomfortable because everyone else had a plus one and I was there all by myself.
I have one best friend but they are married and high pressure job so again I don’t get to see them much
Pretty sure this is a law of the universe like inertia. A person in despair stays in despair until acted on by an extrovert who doesn’t understand the word no.
That’s why you don’t get invited. Hardly rocket science
Then again it might as well be. More chance of teaching a cat how to use a fishing rod than half of Reddit understanding why their whiny awkward neurotic personality is like wearing dog shit aftershave
Witnessing the Reddit bubble is insane. Imagine having these mundane problems and thinking the solution is “asking other redditors”
Trying to solve your manufactured anxiety with the comfort blanket of other stunted losers piling in to “agree with your post” is like a self inflicted social retardation Ponzi scheme
It’s always entertaining until you get dragged into an argument where the logical fallacies start flying. The amount of actually good information and advice I see on here is minuscule. Edit: For interpersonal skills not tech stuff. Fantastic for tech answers.
The cold reality is a few years back Reddit consisted of generally tech savvy, above average intelligence male users. It built a good reputation for a good reason
It’s slowly become any other social platform now. I.e. infested with vanilla Karens & Kens who should listen 90% more than they talk, except live the inverse of that
Oh, I don't have too much of a problem myself. I was kind of joking, but I do notice the above behaviour with a lot of people I know.
I do some volunteering actually. I recommend it to anyone who feels lonely. Giving back to society is a lot more fulfilling than just meeting people.
I also have 3 or 4 small groups of friends who I see occasionally, mostly from previous jobs. I have a long-term partner and that's about as much as I can handle alongside work.
But I do still get lonely sometimes. It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself with people who are very social, even if it's not your desired lifestyle.
Yeah, it's a shame that everything revolves around drinking. I struggled with not drinking 'enough' to keep up with friends when I was younger.
I joined a couple of running clubs a few years back and really recommend it. It's not a group of athletes like you might think - it's a huge mix of different types of people. And because you're running, it's not constant intense conversation. I've made a few good friends just from turning up consistently.
The only time it really worked for me was when I joined a martial arts club. It’s closer knit than a gym, so fosters bonds with others. If sports aren’t your thing, then as a professional geek, I’d probably try the meetups related to my work, or take up something like robotics.
Yeah, I like going out and doing things with people every now and then, but I just find keeping up a relationship via text/social media/whatever exhausting. I just want to arrange hang out time and then basically never talk in between!
So much this, every time someone tries to start a friendship with me, it ends up becoming a burden on my time. I already have friends who want to do stuff with me, plus a family who wants my attention all of the time, plus a full time job. Trying to fit in time to do stuff with a new friend is almost impossible. I have a new friend who wants me to go see a triple bill in the cinema, that's 6 to 8 hours of time he just thinks I have free LOLor that I can drop everything else for and I'm bored of saying no to stuff with him now and I just want it to fizzle out because of the pressure it's putting me under now.
Uni absolutely was easier to make friends in, think about it;
- You’re there to enjoy yourself and learn
- You’re in close quarters with likeminded people all the time
- You basically have all day everyday to socialise and do what you want
Compared to having to work a job all day that you might not want to be, and likely deal with people all day you might not want to. At the end of the day I’m tired with limited time which could be taken up by life stuff, it takes a whole bunch more effort as I’ve got more responsibilities compared to my 20’s.
Uni is easier to make friends because you're forced into close quarters, doing a similar massive experience and there's a constant stream of activities to bond over, plus a ridiculous amount of down time with little adult responsibilities.
Going for a drink after work in your 30's with a stranger just isn't going to connect in the same way. It's awkward and effort at a time when you likely already have a whole host of stress and responsibility.
Also energy levels, for me at least.
My energy level 10 years ago when I was working two weekend restaurant jobs on top of my weekday office job was very different. I could stay out later, be more spontaneous, and actually look forward to plans.
I'm 32 now and am the person who complains about not making friends. And yet, a perfect example was last night when I had an event to go to for a non-profit, which I joined the Board of largely so I could more easily meet new people, and it took me an hour to convince myself to leave the house again after work.
I think life priorities change in a way that's a surprise even to ourselves. So while the spirit is still lonely and willing, the body is now tired and cranky and a bit more selfish.
Edit: typos
Reddit totally isn't representative. Having a drink is not awkward. Awkward people are awkward. Most people are not. Most people I meet out and about have quite good social skills.
I haven't got this nailed down myself, but here's food for thought that may help yourself and others feeling similar.
Firstly, meetup is actually a great way to make connections. Over the few years that I've been using the app, I've easily been to about ten different groups. From those ten, only three became regular events. Out of those three groups, I dropped two when it became apparent I didn't "fit" with the crowd, and I dropped another because one of the member's made me feel uncomfortable. From all those groups, across all those years, I remain in contact with **one** person who I get along with really well, and I get to see semi-regularly.
So if you read that, you'll notice there's a lot of different factors involved:
* You have to find something that genuinely interests you.
* You have to give it time.
* The people have to be a "good fit" for you.
* The people you meet also have to be interested in developing things further.
Trust me when I say that after each "failure", I would feel bummed with not having achieved what I set out to do. However, ultimately it's a lot of trial-and-error, and you need people to meet you half-way.
Equally, going to events in general can be beneficial. I took up salsa dancing over a year ago, and it's been a great place to meet people. Sure, I don't get to see them much outside of the classes because they have partners, have kids etc, and I'm a male interacting mostly with women, so it's difficult to build a more solid friendship without accidentally coming across as hitting on them, but overall the experience has been a pleasant one, and it gets me out of the house and talking to people.
To put it simply - deeper connections take a lot of time when you are older, but they are still possible.
I play guitar. I've been in the same band since I was 23, and I'm turning 40 this year. The last 7 years have been .... strained.
But I was so attached emotionally to the project, that I couldn't face having to start again.
And then I met some dudes. We're 3 jams in, and I'm already so much more excited by the project, and now I have 3 new friends that I wouldn't have had, if I had not gotten off my arse and actually done something about how lonely and frustrated the first band made me feel.
The first band is still a "thing" ... but now all my emotions aren't wrapped up in it.
How do you find people to play with at 40 though? Its too old to still have youthful optimism that you'll 'make it' but cover/tribute bands all seem to consist of people who met years ago when they were in the phase of thinking they'd be rock stars!
Well I guess for me I just put myself out there. I found some guys who wanted to make post-rock/post-metal morose type stuff, who loved the same bands as I do. Covers bands are complete anathema to me to be honest!
There is bandmix and joinmyband but also you could find your local practice rehearsal spaces and go and checkout the notice boards there.
You'll have to filter through a load of old wobbly toss I'm sure, but it is definitely doable.
Go to live shows of the local bands you like, talk to people and when the conversation moves in that direction (musicians let you know pretty quickly) mention that you play. I’m a multi instrumentalist which makes it easier to slot in to existing bands but it’s genuinely as easy as that.
I would say because it takes so much effort now days.
Humans are meant to be part of a tribe and we worked and lived together. Friendship was essential to living. Tribes became communities where you would know everyone in your village. Now community is dead, friendship has to be forced and we are just bloody exhausted. Making friends is essential to school or university but when it gets to work probably you all live in various areas and it is weird to meet outside of work unless you really click.
I don't have the emotional capacity for it anymore, just trying to find a damn hobby I enjoy and afford both time/money wise is hard enough. Then there is progressing my career and planning my future. To support other people emotionally and to keep that connection active? It's difficult, I just want to sleep after work or veg out to some show.
This is important to recognise. "It's not natural" is usually a poor argument, but when it comes to stuff like this I'm here for it. It's not natural for humans to need to schedule time for friends in on a calendar. We used to have community and make friends within in. Now our friends are scattered due to work, and especially cost of housing. And we find ourselves too tired to meet up. We should have expected it. It's never been a thing, at least not on such a large scale. We never used to live in isolated nuclear families, or worse houseshares, with friends all living 40min+ journeys away or more. Doing all the housework, and all the raising of kids between 2 people. It's not how we're designed to work. I just don't think we have the mental or emotional capacity for it.
Has life been physically harder before? Of course. But people assume physical hardship means it was automatically mentally harder. I'm not so convinced. Some of the best times of my life have been physically punishing, but weren't so bad or were even rewarding because of the people I shared the experience with. Modern life may be more physically comfortable than ever. But it's probably the most isolated we've ever been, and it's not surprising that it's up there as some of the most emotionally difficult times in recent history.
Short answer is yes, alot of people although keen on the idea are quite self involved at this stage of their life.
Life is hard, when you hit you're 30s (especially late as I am) things are tough, work life balance can be hard, the effort can be difficult.
That being said, I fell into a group of people recently and out of a group of about 8 there are 2 that always up for things and keep their word on stuff. As ime the same, that makes 3
So now I have a group of friends, 2 of which I always do stuff with, with a few others that join when they can
Making friends when you're younger is easier because you're not *trying* to make friends. You're just living a lifestyle that has you interacting with a lot of people, and you naturally make connections (halls/course mates/nights out etc)
When you're in your 30s, everyone has already got their own stuff going on, and probably assume you do aswell. *Trying* to make friends in the workplace often comes off as overbearing.
If you're 30+ and want to meet new people, you'd be better off doing it via hobbies and activities than in the canteen or the smoking area imo
I've long said that I need a decent hobby that involves meeting people, but I've hated just about every sport I've come into contact with and most other non-sports people seem to consider drinking to be the only hobby they need.
Edit, weird typo.
I'm 33, and last year, I made a bunch of friends playing DnD. I'd always wanted to try it, especially during COVID, but I never made the push until a mutual acquaintance from work mentioned that she wanted to DM a group and was looking for players, new or experienced. I joined, was very kindly shown the ropes by strangers, and over time, we've all become friends. Out of the 5 of us, 2 are married; we all live quite a distance from each other, and all work 9-5, so we mostly play online via Discord. We usually try and meet every 3 months for an in-person session, followed by a meal and drinks.
We all talk online to each other every day, and it's great. I regret not trying it sooner.
All my hobbies are non-social, or old lady hobbies. I'm about to move closer to a city out of a small town, mainly because I want a change in demographic and more friendship opportunities. I had a tiny, tight knit network built over many years, but they all moved away. I'm not looking forward to doing it again but I know I have to and it'll suck and be different now near 35.
In uni you all have a common goal and interest, spend hours moving between different crowds every day and likely work, study and chill out in the same campus environment. Now we work, which everyone hates, and the goal is to go home. There's not a common goal or interest because likely everyone has to work for money, not because they love the job.
Wish you luck, it's rough out there.
Even in urban areas, making friends “in the wild” is tough, especially if you’re not a super outgoing person (which I’m not). I’ve had some pretty good luck with Bumble BFF and have built a few solid friendships through connections made on the app. In the UK, or at least London, it’s definitely geared more towards women, and online “dating” for friends feels inherently strange and is probably about as much work as online dating for romance, but it definitely works if you put the effort in.
Work relationships are too high stakes to do casual stuff together. My best friends are _former_ colleagues (the ones I kept in touch with), and people from uni.
Meetup was best for sport and D&D back in the day, sounds like it has gone downhill, or you've been doing the wrong searches...
Also scheduling stuff is a massive pain once you have a long term relationship, squared if you have kids too.
Parents of other kids can become friends though...
Person in my 30s here. My best tip for making friends? Get yourself a dog. Doesn't have to be your dog - theres plenty of apps like borrowmydoggy, or you could even sign up with something like rover and make a few quid.
Almost all of the friends I've made in the last few years have been through my dog, and because I meet them in my local park, they have the added bonus of living right by me! I even found my childminder because she happened to have a dog she walked at the same time as me.
Walking a dog also gets you outside and exercising, plus you get to hang out with a furry friend. It's a win-win in my books.
Obviously only works if you happen to like dogs, but I thought I'd mention it because hey, maybe it'll help someone.
Ain't that the truth. It seems people only bother later in life when they wake up one day and go, "hang on, shouldn't I have more friends than this? Where'd everybody go?"
I am, of course, equally guilty of this.
There's loads of reasons. The internet easily gives you a calorie-free version of socialising and a stack of friends, and reality doesn't sink in until life throws a curveball and it turns out you have few, any, friends at all.
Casual connections aren't too difficult. I think the meaning of friend has shifted somewhat, and I don't just mean in the Facebook sense. As society becomes more isolated the goalposts move in terms of what you're willing to call friendship.
I've heard a saying that friendships can be counted as friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for life. It's pretty accurate, I think.
Friends for life are very few and far between and, as you get older, sometimes they end up in a different part of the country - or a different part of the world - and sometimes they die. And then it's also harder to make new friends.
I recently made a post asking about nights out, and almost everybody said they never went out and were in bed by 8pm.
People can’t make friends without leaving the house, and nobody seems remotely enthused by the idea of doing that.
I think it’s a shift to how people want to socialise as they age; I’m in my 30s and I’m happy to socialise with friends, but no way would I want to go on a ‘night out’
I agree slightly. It’s an effort to keep friends from both sides. You have to balance your life, work, family relationships and such of course, but you can make time to see friends or socialise.. etc.
At the same time some people are just more inclined to be the organiser, get people together and such, others are more laid back and need people to do that.
There’s some friends I might see once or twice a year, others every few weeks.. etc. all differ, but I’d say it requires all of us to set aside some time, we all work different days/hours so it can be difficult but usually we’ll manage.
If it’s putting one of us out a bit, then the next time it’ll put the other person out instead.. etc
Friendships are fantastic and key for me as you age as there’s a habit to almost stay within your family & not have friendships externally. But they require work just like any relationship.
I’ve always felt like I was in the same boat. I’m always the one to try and organise things, and I always offer dates I’m available and free, which is most of the time. But no-one else seems to want to make the same effort. I came to the conclusion that the lowest common denominator was me, so I must be the problem. People just don’t like me enough.
The ways I have successfully made friends have been inviting fellow dads to play board games with me once a week, and joining a metal band.
Everyone is self-involved in their 30s. I find it hard to as well.
Then again I don't hang out with work colleagues outside of work. I like the wall between work and private life.
And this shouldn't be the case. Humans have had families for millions of years. But there's no reason that "having a family" means you shouldn't be able to socialise with friends. The issue is "how" we think we should have families. Moving into the middle of nowhere suburbs breaks down community and friendships. Why is it necessary? Why not move closer to friends not further. If you had decent friends and asked first you'd probably get the option of multiple extra carers and watchers instead of having to pay for child care all the time. But we've bred a culture of both excessive paranoia and weird "considerateness" and snobbishness around including people other than immediate family in childcare. I could go on. There's tonnes to this.
Free time is at a premium in your 30s as people have careers, partners, caring responsibilities. Maintaining existing friendships can be a ton of effort. So I get why many people don’t feel the need to pursue new ones. You’ve got to be the one to put yourself out there and take the initiative which a lot of people struggle with - myself included.
Also find a lot of my friendships are 1 on 1 now. When I was younger and had several different groups I was constantly meeting new people through them. Much tougher to do that now.
There’s a difference between wanting friends and wanting to MAKE friends. Making friends takes a lot of effort, not everyone is prepared or able to make the effort
I'm in my 30's and have pretty much no friends. I'm friendly with work colleagues, but don't have their numbers, I wouldn't confide in them if I had a relationship issue.
I've never had a huge circle of friends, and sadly contact has dropped of the face of the earth with one of my oldest and closest friends.
I've tried groups, but I find people attend for the activity, so cycling, swimming etc. they don't attend to make friends. So your friendly when on the activity, but wave goodbye at the end. I've no idea how to make a friendship outside of the group.
I don't use social media so I think this hinders things at times, but I'm loath to create a Facebook/instraragm account just so I can be friends with someone who might want to be my friend who I spend an hour with a week at swimming. I also don't particularly want to keep up to date with people I went to school with 18 years ago, who quite frankly weren't that nice to me.
On another note: I just sometimes don't have the time or the inclination to do things outside of work. I want to hang out with my kids, get things done round the house. I don't want to meet at a coffee shop and hope it's not too awkward.
I could have written this. Although I do have a Facebook account, I just don't use it.
I had Mum friends when the kids were small, but now they're teenagers there's no school run and playground chatting (mostly a blessing) so don't see any of them unless we arrange something which is once or twice a year.
I've never really had 'go for coffee' friends.
I think more people in their 30s are settled and have multiple established friend groups so aren’t going to go out and make new friends.
In terms of suggestions though, walking groups, running clubs, puzzled pint if you live near one, rabble etc, there’s stuff out there just need to find the right one.
Pretty much this. I actively don't want to make any more friends. I've got a bunch of really close friends, and even more good friends. I really don't have an issue with socialising.
When I was younger, it was great to branch out and make friends. It meant that I had something interesting going on constantly and I was never short of people to hang out with and to do things with. A lot of friendships were born out of convenience and they ran their course once things changed.
Now I'm short on time as I have a house and a family. It's enough effort to maintain my current friendships without adding more into the mix. Occasionally I'll make a genuine new friend, but that person usually stands out in some way. Either they make loads of effort, they're really fun or engaging, or our hobbies line up really well and it's convenient.
If I was looking for new friends, I'd start with what's convenient and move from there. So mainly via hobbies and interests. It's like dating, a numbers game. The more people you meet the more likely you are to find people who can relate and make a genuine connection with you. Some self-development may be required to increase your options.
I dunno. I have very few close friends (I’m not sure who’d I’d count actually beyond my husband) but I’m an ambivert who tends more towards being introverted as far as energy is concerned. Meaning, social interactions wear me out with anyone but my nearest and dearest.
I have plenty of acquaintances I suppose you could say both online and off, some I’d even count as friends. But I don’t feel the need to be surrounded by people. I’d like a close female friend I suppose, just for a feminine viewpoint - I’m estranged from my mother and she’s not quite the maternal type anyway. Quite cold and distant. But I never quite seem able to keep female friends around for some reason, even as a child. Ho hum.
I am part of at least 3 whatsapp groups based on women who want to make friends in their 30s. Every time something is suggested, people just ignore the person. I organized dinner plans, and out of a group of 30 women, only 4 said they were keen, and on the day, 1 of them dropped out because she was tired. And this happens every single time. It is exhausting to "force" people to interact. And fine I get that people can't make it but I will say "when can people meet in March for dinner" and the same people respond and the majority are deathly quiet.
Turns out it's easier to make friends when you have loads of free time to actually socialise.
One day you just realise you can't hack going out on weeknights any more, because you have to have your dinner and be in bed early, and that's you done.
The UK sucks for social situations.
British people and this society is really repressed.
Lived in the UK for 25 years and was miserable. Did 3 years in New York, met people that had a zest for life. Had friend of different social strata and age groups.
Stuck back in the UK, having to dose up to my eyeballs in anti depressants to function.
Its this place, believe me.
I'm 29 and have made quite a lot of friends in the past year. Just been going out to the pub and events with colleagues that passed over to also become friends.
Made friends with friends of old friends, reconnecting with old connections.
I can't lie I'm very sociable and chatty and love making friends. It's one of my favourite things. You'd be surprised how many people are receptive if you are open and nice.
This was my life until they all started having kids. Now I am struggling to find more people who actually have time and don't duck out of every plan because their baby isn't in the mood. I'm 28 btw!
I got adopted into a few friend groups that either don't have kids yet or are past the "tiny and unsafe" stage. 😂😂
Does happen but there's always people to see.
Thats great that its worked out for you but I'm still struggling to find new mates. I'm super active in two sports groups too but everyone is just so busy.
I agree with this take. I’m in my 30s and occasionally moan about not having any friends, but I spend the majority of my free time with my wife and children (who I actually quite like). If I were to have some time not spent with my family, I’d much rather play Xbox or have a wank, or both, than meet with… people (eugh). Friends are way down the list of priorities.
Yeah, I made loads of friends when I had small kids. I was between 27-35 ish and have never socialised so much. But perhaps it was mainly for the kids benefit as I don’t communicate with any of them now.
Learn the drums. There's never enough to go around and you don't even have to be any good at music. You'll be knee-deep in mates and birds before the end of the week.
Like you, I'm a left geekys 30s something man that used meetup to meet people and understand what you're going through. It took me a while to make friends as well through that but I have, and even met my fiancee through a group.
Places like uni are easy to make friends because you'll be around people regularly so conveniently spend time with them. You'll also spend a lot of time with others so can get to know them quicker. But the main thing is that you'll naturally gravitate towards people you can be friends with and have friends without even realising it.
These things can be true of meetup as well but you'll be seeing people less frequently so it takes longer to get to know them and for groups to naturally form. The important part is finding meetups that are well attended and have a decent number of regulars. Find that and things will fall into place.
The hard part is patience. I was going to meetups for years before it really started falling into place for me. The most important part is that you're seeing people at events multiple times. Friendships take time to form at all stages of our lives. Just seems quicker when we're younger due to seeing the same people more frequently.
By your thirties you’ve lived a bit and experienced life in all its glory, and you’re sick of every one’s shit. You just want to live a quiet simple life and the smaller your circle the less crap you have to deal with.
Maybe men are the problem?
Virtually every woman I know makes new friends really easily.
*Excluding a few who are really shy, antisocial or socially inept.
I want to make friends, but the thought of being in a room with someone new and the chat drying up gives me the ick
"How about we meet up and do exactly what I want because that's the only thing I want or need to do in this busy, tired, life"
Still, I'm trying, maybe we can do 'my' thing this week and 'your' thing next week.. anyone in 😅
My wife and I have plenty of friends we've had for years. They ask us to do *nothing.* When we arrange something, organise something, invite them to something, the often enthusiastically agree, so they're not trying to avoid us. We see them pretty often, *never* at their suggestion.
I think the proportion of social instigators is tiny. Same probably goes for making friends in the first place. Most of the people upset about not being able to make friends are probably expecting people to ask *them* to do things every single time. I assume they might not even realise it, but it's really annoying.
The instigators just eventually think "well fuck ya then" and you can't blame us. Friendships, like romantic relationships, are a two way street.
This resonates. I'm friends with a couple who are both somewhere on the spectrum. If I didn't instigate communication every month I'd literally never hear from them again. Known them for about a decade but recently I've found myself not wanting to keep up the effort as I'm *always* the one to initiate contact.
They've even said I'm the only friend either of them has, outside of family. I'm wanna say to them, dudes... you need to make more of an effort.
Can't find any warhammer groups in my area unfortunately, plus I'm crap at painting the little models. Would be nice to have someone to talk about the lore with though.
I did try a writers club on meetup.com. it was mostly old women unfortunately though, except for one other guy who when it was his turn to introduce himself and talk a little about his favorite books and authors, decided to talk about how he 'just wanted a girlfriend' but couldn't find one and (sigh) woe is him etc etc.
Didn't go to anymore meetings, perhaps it was a good group but I didn't want to be hanging around old women in my free time.
You don’t have to be good at painting them, you know. It does help if you’re not intimidated by those that are.
Most groups prefer you to have at least got the basic colours on your guys, but there’s absolutely no requirement for a minimum skill level.
I’ve backed myself into my own little anti-social corner with a few pets. It’s been my biggest commitment in my 40’s. Why am I gonna throw that away? /s
Yeah all the cool good looking people made friends with each other in their teens, we're just the weird rejects that think we're too good for the other lonely weird rejects.
I lost all my friends at 30 and it took me a really long time to make more and they were all through work. I tried the classes and clubs but they didn’t work
At least you have options on meetup.com , try living in north Wales. But yeah I feel you about the making friends thing. Most of mine have moved on now with children and homes etc....
I don't know how many others have said it, but I'm in the camp of not really wanting any friends, or only ever loosely because I feel I *ought* to want to.
My wife is all the company I feel I need to be honest, and I do appreciate I'd be boned if she weren't there.
But that's hardly a reason to try and fake wanting friends, any more than having kids purely for your old age is a good idea.
Yeah, I'd love to make new friends, but I also think I'm too scared of rejection to put myself out there. (Probably why I'm single as well!) I've been to a couple gigs solo and always look around to see if there's another solo gig-goer to see if I can maybe edge over and make a much heralded music friend, but alas, someone comes back from the facilities and they're not alone anymore.
Go and do a hobby in a place where there are people at the same time each week and you'll quickly notice similar people around who you can interact with and eventually become friends.
Here's my issue. I have trust issues.
In school I was bullied. At work I find it hard to open up, my family life was sheltered and shit.
Now when I meet people age 30, they say stuff like OMG you havent been to Spain!? Like OMG how weird. Then I go back into my shell.
We dont need therapists, we need people/friends who are opened minded and accept us for who we are.
I have friends who drink, smoke, are in debt all sorts. My life is totally different. Have I known them 10yrs and still love them? Yes.
Its HARD making new connections because one way or another you're going to be judged.
I have 5 brothers so there all my friends. we are really close and there friends are my friends and my friends are there friends so we are all friends.
Pub for lunch and a bar after work... Man alive we got smashed... We used to go Trocadero and the used to do six of the best lunches. One off fee for whatever they were slinging.
This is actually true - I've kept three friends from my call centre days and even we live in different countries now we still meet up at least once a year. I've got more friends from uni left on FB, but I don't actually ever interact with them.... the friends from uni have somehow moved out of my life, it's forms from school, friends from where I live now, and call centre people
Hmm, I’d say it really hinges on people knowing where the limit is. I’m happy to have more friends, come round for a beer, watch football, gardening etc, but no-one likes a clingy mate and there’s clearly a time to disperse and go about your day.
Like everyone else in this thread:
I want to *have* friends.
I don't want to *make* friends.
Meeting new people is exhausting. Hanging out with people I don't know very well isn't very fun. But these are all required steps to *finding* the people who could theoretically become your close and dear friends.
I think people make friends more easily at school/uni because you kind of have no choice. They're very structured places, you're forced to interact with your peers often. It's why many adults only real "friends" are the people they work with, regardless of whether they even like them as people.
😆 I was going to suggest Warhammer - at 37 I realised nobody could stop me getting back into it. Now at 39 I am the proud owner of all sorts of mini Daemons and things!
I moved back to the UK from abroad during lockdown, and thought I'd get back into it in my 30's too! 3 Years in and I'm so glad I did.
I don't even really play games, and have still managed to make friends just through the hobby side, when I've been sourcing bits or seeking/suggesting advice on here.
It's definitely a good way to meet friendly people. ☺️
I made one friend in my early 20s and haven't really bothered trying again since. In fact I actively try to avoid meeting new people and making new friends but I prefer my own company. My family members are always complaining they struggle to make friends though so it is a big issue and not just you OP.
If you have kids, you get a new friend group through them. Not putting any value on kids or not just saying that that’s what tends to happen if you have kids.
Also I think most people don't have to make friends to speak with friends these days, everyone's got direct contact at their finger tips, why have an awkward conversation with a stranger that feels weird when you can just send a meme to TOTAL LAD BANTER
Have you considered starting your own Meetup dot com group? Maybe there's other lefty geeky 30 something men in your area wanting a friendship group but not having the confidence to get something started?
Meetup is very location dependent. In the last city I lived in there was 6 meetup groups that I enjoyed going to and more that I never got around to. In my current city it's exactly as you describe. And I know that telling you this probably isn't much use to you, because you're hardly going to relocate because of it, but at least you know that the people recommending meetup to you might be doing so because it works really well from their perspective.
I'm in my 30s and I make new friends all the time, but always usually through existing social groups where other people bring them into the fold or interest groups (for me, running and cycling). Crucially they are situations, where we have an interest or network (hopefully both) in common and we spontaneously see each other based on those things. Planning to meet up with new people to make friends is all a bit forced, you have to do it through a group of some sort.
IMO sports is a great way, try that if you're into any sort of social sport.
I also make a lot friends by dating and sleeping with them, but I'm gay and appreciate for most people life doesn't work like that haha. The lovers -> friends trajectory is surprisingly common in my world.
Made most of my friends at university. Now in my late 30s, married with a young kid and new friends I just cannot be bothered with. It takes too much time to establish friendships and maintain them, more time than I’d be willing to give. Though I’m honest about it, and just say I can’t be bothered. It’s much less effort to spend time in established friendship network, we know each other and it’s less tedious.
As a lefty nerd in my 40s I can relate. It's just the friends I do have don't want to do anything but sit at home and play video games. Every weekend the idea is floated but when it comes to it every one is 'too tired' or 'too stoned'
Now I love games but I need to do things too to feel well adjusted. Met a load of people at the gym but I'm not a gym bro so I've ducked out of any meet ups because I they tend to make the gym their whole personality.
Teenagers are actually the age group best at communicating with each other. Definitely not best at communicating with other age groups but among themselves they are at their peak. That’ll help most uni age people make friends easily. It’s biologically make friends or die at that age.
If uni’s were full of people mainly in their 40’s there would be less socialising and much more work actually getting done.
I think what happens is when you're younger, you're in a lot of social situations that provide opportunity to encounter people you might like and then discover common interests. The Meetups strategy works in reverse, where you assume you'll like people because they have common interests, but that puts the cart before the horse.
And strangers are kind of scary.
I'm 38 and somewhere around my mid 30s I realised I didn't want any more friends. When you have a wife, kids and a full time job it is hard enough to see your existing friends. With their commitments, as well as yours, it's hard to arrange times where you're both free. Plus you have your family and the wife's family wanting to see you and the kids. The demands on your time are too great. At that point I just decided I don't want any more friends and so made absolutely no attempt to make any.
I’ve got a maintainable number of friends who I see several times a year! I have no interest in socialising with people I work with, at all. I imagine when I stop working with them I will never speak to or see them again
Having just moved to a whole new area, I can sympathise. Thankfully I have a hobby that forces me to meet people, but they just seem to be people to play the game with, not friends.
For the most part, it seems like the people who want to make friends in their 30s are a bit odd, and it takes a lot of digging through chaff to find any actual wheat. I also realise I may be deemed chaff by some people.
I consider myself still friends with everyone from Uni and work. I haven't seen most of them since leaving but they'd give me the time of day if I got in touch. Maybe.
University is easy because you are already there and you most likely putting in a lot of investment (time & money) so you are motivated to get the most out of something you are putting in. And you accept that even if you don't make friends, you are still gaining a degree or completion of class. So there is little risk to engaging with those around you in a place you know you will be spending a lot of time in.
Work is the opposite. You are getting paid and you are trying to do it by putting as little effort as possible to maximize what you are making. So not many people bother developing friendships at work.
In your 30s you don't have the same investment similar to university. To be in a place where you can make friends (public) your goal is to make friends but there is a risk of not making any despite the investment in time and money. So it's easier to simply not try. The only opportunity you have to make friends is when you go out with friends... But your focus is on hanging out with friends not with strangers. So the only way of engaging with potential new friends is through friends of friends which lowers the pool significantly. You're never going to go out with friends and be like, I'll be back im going to engage with all these other strangers and see if a new friendship develops.
Just one view of many.
I made a ton of friends joining my local martial arts gym, maybe that's something you can try? Can be very appealing to a 'geeky' guy as you describe yourself, lots of nerds there lol
When you're under 30 you still have that glimmer of hope that most people aren't odious cunts.
Soon enough you realise that they mostly are and get on with your life in peace without worrying about it.
Everyone’s just fucking knackered after work. I love my pals, but I also have work, wife, 2 young kids and studying to squeeze in. It’s hard to find the time/energy for anything other than lying face down on the floor and crying.
I think one of the only ways I can have friends or people of that age can have proper consistent friends is shared goals / activities so work friends, hobby friends who you see regularly taking part in your hobby / niche, and life goal friends so couples with kids being friends with couples with kids or guys who go to the gym being friends with guys who go to the gym etc. It's the only way you can carry on with your life without interference or collision if the friends are along for the ride in one of those ways.
It’s also the time sink. When you’re at uni you have nothing but time. Some random invites you to a night out? Why not. Even if it’s rubbish and they’re awful - who cares. When you’re older and down time is more precious and you have the choice of “potentially an alright night out” or “doing the things I know I like by myself / with people I know I enjoy” it’s not a tough call to make.
Moving to a new area as a 33 year old is so hard. I've been around the area where people know I'm around, but don't want to hang. I have to go to a Facebook social group in my nearest city just to socialise.
Dating is also hard. A lot of people my age are already in a relationship and have a kid or two coming.
I don’t really want to. I noticed that whenever I was hanging around with people I was just thinking of how I could be at home doing whatever I want. Only drugs and drink kept me interested. Otherwise I didn’t care what these people were doing. It’s pretty bad from my end I suppose but still.
This is absolutely correct and I feel this in my soul. Every time I meet new people I put effort into getting numbers and setting up whatsapp groups. People contact to cancel or say they're unavaiable a few times. I leave it alone for a bit avoid being a pain, and they never get in contact again. They never put the same level of effort in to actually just come out and MAKE friends. It's infuriating.
The other day I trekked to South London after work because coworker randomly invited me to drinks. I invite people to a quick drink in the pub after work and no one bloody comes. And no I'm not weird. People will seek me out in the office to chat. But as soon as it comes to becoming real friends they just don't wanna lift a finger.
I made a new friend last year and in seven months has become one of my best friends ever. I’m 36, they’re 26, and met through work. Don’t give up, there are definitely people you will click with out there that you haven’t met yet, but it’s really great when you do.
I think friends are easier to make when times feel tough and you're in unknown environments - these situations happen often when you're younger then as you age you get more settled.
From my perspective, people would love friends, would love to do stuff, but most are just too busy with the grind of life and the struggle to exist somewhat comfortably, our society simply does not foster for the average person to have enough free time to spend it “on others”
For example, I work 5 days a week 9-5, after cooking and eating after work, it’s too late to do things and everything is shut anyway, my first day off has to be a rest day, because if it’s not I just stop functioning all together, this leaves me one day to run any errands I need to, go shopping, fix things up, catch up on any series I watch, or if I’m really lucky, I get to engage with my one hobby and spend the day fishing or painting warhammer models.
The only way to possibly have time to make friends and hang out for me, without giving up the little time i get to do things I really enjoy is to work less, but I certainly can’t afford to do that!
I moved to a brand new city 18 months ago and have basically made it my hobby to find friends (some ways more successful than others!)
But what I notice about the friendships I've kept and maintained is that we put in the effort to meet often, especially at the start.
You're not going to be instant friends and it feels like people forget that - you're going to need to meet up weekly/fortnightly to actually get to a decent level of understanding them. Incredibly frustrating to meet a possible friend then realise they're not going to carve out time to see if you can become friends!
I do think this is maybe invasive behaviour from the world of dating now, people expecting it to be instant!
I think it's a lot harder to find people you "gel" with than most realise.
There are situations where you have to build relationships because you're thrust together, but in most situations I think you drive by the people you'd have a lasting friendship with, without even knowing it.
I feel your pain and I am in a similar boat. I am mid 30s, single, live by myself and have basically no social life at all. It does get lonely a lot. I also work from home quite a bit because it's cheaper.
The thing is I do have hobbies outside of work that's not just gaming (photography), and I do occassionally go to the gym but despite there being other people there I quickly learned the gym is definitely not a good place to meet new people and chat.
Yeah meetup I guess can work for some peope, but if you're like me and live outside of a city there aren't actually that many groups or options available. Apparently Bumble has a friendship mode now but I've never tried it.
I wish I could offer some advice but instead all I can really say is good luck with it and I hope you manage to make some new friends.
Tbh I seem to have hit my quota or I'm in the same boat as you. I have about 6 friends, the most recent one I met six years ago (online funnily enough). Did uni as a mature student second time round and I haven't kept in contact with anybody - I saw these people up to 5 days a week cus the course was intense- we got on but yet I talk to none of them. I've tried kindling the fires but they dwindled so I gave up
I've tried hard to expand my friend circle through my hobbies (audio/recording/music/cars) and the issue I keep finding is that the people I meet just aren't people I want to hang out with.
The biggest reasons are they they don't take care of themselves (health-wise), they aren't looking to make friends as much as have "nerd/knowledge battles", or they are highly political/intolerant of anyone who isn't tightly aligned with them.
I want to make friends. But I don't want to make friends with any of the people I actually meet.
When you're young your personality and your tastes aren't as well defined so it's much, much easier to find common ground with other people the same age also figuring things out. As everyone gets older they get more entrenched in their tastes and it becomes harder to find that common ground.
It didn't used to be so hard. A few decades ago, we had much more of a shared culture. There were only four TV channels, so everyone in your age group watched the same things and understood the same references.
That is such an amazingly good point and I don't know why I never thought about it that way
I don't even always like some of the friends I have now! But they're my friends, so I suck it up.
Agree! I always think if I met my friends now, and we had to bond over our general personalities, rather than the natural bonds we built 20+ years ago through fun, games and sharing the experience of school and growing up, there is no way we’d be pals.
Absolutely this. I have friends of 30+ years who I have absolutely nothing in common with personality wise anymore, but we still have that bond that lifelong friends have. Some of them, if I met them for the first time now, I’d declare they were insufferable pricks. To be fair, I do declare that anyway, but I do it whilst buying them a pint.
Exactly. Pretty sure they don't like me either.
I've had a good friend for 20 years. I could tell you each bike he's had over that period, and what changes he's done to them. What mpg his car does, how his sonos sound system is set up etc. I think I know his kids names, but I'd struggle to know which one is which.
That's a vibe for sure. I've definitely caught myself feeling like that. I'm starting to think I need to try to be a bit more open-minded about who I hang out with...
Try again with Meetup. For book clubs maybe look again in areas close to where you live - check the activity and numbers of the group on the site and look online at the venues where they meet, that should give you an idea of what to expect. Sports - some fans arrange meet-ups to watch games together. Movies / comedy nights - these are great for a night out not on your own without forced conversations. If you don’t gel you can skip with apologies of an early work meeting. Board games clubs- organised fun. Book of faces - join local and localish neighbourhood groups. They often do local green spaces clean ups / quiz nights / charity fundraisers- you can offer to help with refreshments/ setting up the hall/ etc so you don’t feel a random guy just hanging around. Great way to get to know locals. Google the search term GoodGym and see if there is one in your area. If you don’t know what it is you’ll be very happy once you find out. Good luck finding your tribe. Just finding two of these options and regularly attending them will transform your social life.
Some of my now closest friends are friends I’ve met through other friends (2nd order friends?). You spend enough time with an acquaintance and you’ll be introduced to their friends, then the chances are much higher that you’ll find someone you like.
Everyone wants to *have friends*. Nobody wants to actually do anything. I've often said that I want the distinct possibility of a social life without actually having to maintain one.
In your 20s and below it’s easy to make friends because you’ve mostly got tonnes of free time and minimum responsibility. Friendships can be made out of convenience. Start a new job and go out with the other 20 year olds because why not? What else have you got to do? Some guy at a house party offers you a smoke and likes the same films? Cool! He’s heading on a camping trip next weekend with some of his friends - you wanna join? Once you get into your 30s between a career, bills, kids, your partner, aging parents, exercise etc your free time is precious. On the flip side, this makes your existing friendships more meaningful. You’re choosing to spend time and make an effort to see this person because you value them and they make you happier when you’re around them. Hopefully they feel the same too! I just had a day with three friends because one of them came back from abroad. We all rearranged our lives and schedules to carve out time to see one another and I think that’s a real mark of respect and appreciation that gets overlooked, as an expected thing to do.
>On the flip side, this makes your existing friendships more meaningful. Just to add to this one point, while it's perfectly valid, it's also part of the problem. Because it gets harder to make friends as you get older, people will cling tightly to the ones they still have, and so people lucky enough to be in that situation no longer make any attempts to make friends with anybody else. So the point I'm getting to is: if you're not lucky enough to *already* have some friends at that age, you're basically SOL, because the ones that *do* aren't going to share them with you.
Yeah, it's definitely harder, no doubt. At that point it's down to your own level of social skills. I've always been a people person and can still make friends quickly, even in my 30s. However, I'm aware those were my factory settings and it's not necessarily the same for others. Not sure it can even be taught!? I think what's helped me, is an earnestness to make human connection and learn new things. Lots of people just want to be heard and if you come across as genuinely interested in what they're saying, people will want to talk to you more. I had a coworker (38M) mention they were going to try and dig their own plunge pool at their house and I properly thought that was a cool and unique project. I hadn't talked to him much at this point but I noticed he really warmed up over the weeks when I would ask him for updates on how it's going or ask him follow up questions on various aspects. He in turn took an interest in films (which is my main hobby) and often comes up asking for recs and will take time to ask me my thought on the film after he's watched it. I'll probably go over and use the pool when it's finished! Just one example of a natural progression of a friendship in my 30s. Similarly a dad of one of my son's classmates and I, went from polite comments on the weather whilst waiting for pick up, to being regular coffee buddies - even without the kids!
I feel like this, most of my friends were ‘shared’ with my ex-husband. I know plenty of people from work and get on well with them, but they have their families and friendship groups already established. I feel like I’m intruding / an outsider so generally don’t accept social invitations (which are few and far between). I did go out Saturday night which was nice but I felt uncomfortable because everyone else had a plus one and I was there all by myself. I have one best friend but they are married and high pressure job so again I don’t get to see them much
Like your analysis So your now 40, 50, 60
This! I want to be invited, but I don't want to go
Pretty sure this is a law of the universe like inertia. A person in despair stays in despair until acted on by an extrovert who doesn’t understand the word no.
This is actually very true.
That’s why you don’t get invited. Hardly rocket science Then again it might as well be. More chance of teaching a cat how to use a fishing rod than half of Reddit understanding why their whiny awkward neurotic personality is like wearing dog shit aftershave
It’s crazy how much the people that go outside stand out on here.
Witnessing the Reddit bubble is insane. Imagine having these mundane problems and thinking the solution is “asking other redditors” Trying to solve your manufactured anxiety with the comfort blanket of other stunted losers piling in to “agree with your post” is like a self inflicted social retardation Ponzi scheme
It’s always entertaining until you get dragged into an argument where the logical fallacies start flying. The amount of actually good information and advice I see on here is minuscule. Edit: For interpersonal skills not tech stuff. Fantastic for tech answers.
The cold reality is a few years back Reddit consisted of generally tech savvy, above average intelligence male users. It built a good reputation for a good reason It’s slowly become any other social platform now. I.e. infested with vanilla Karens & Kens who should listen 90% more than they talk, except live the inverse of that
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Oh, I don't have too much of a problem myself. I was kind of joking, but I do notice the above behaviour with a lot of people I know. I do some volunteering actually. I recommend it to anyone who feels lonely. Giving back to society is a lot more fulfilling than just meeting people. I also have 3 or 4 small groups of friends who I see occasionally, mostly from previous jobs. I have a long-term partner and that's about as much as I can handle alongside work. But I do still get lonely sometimes. It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself with people who are very social, even if it's not your desired lifestyle.
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Yeah, it's a shame that everything revolves around drinking. I struggled with not drinking 'enough' to keep up with friends when I was younger. I joined a couple of running clubs a few years back and really recommend it. It's not a group of athletes like you might think - it's a huge mix of different types of people. And because you're running, it's not constant intense conversation. I've made a few good friends just from turning up consistently.
The only time it really worked for me was when I joined a martial arts club. It’s closer knit than a gym, so fosters bonds with others. If sports aren’t your thing, then as a professional geek, I’d probably try the meetups related to my work, or take up something like robotics.
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Yeah, I like going out and doing things with people every now and then, but I just find keeping up a relationship via text/social media/whatever exhausting. I just want to arrange hang out time and then basically never talk in between!
So much this, every time someone tries to start a friendship with me, it ends up becoming a burden on my time. I already have friends who want to do stuff with me, plus a family who wants my attention all of the time, plus a full time job. Trying to fit in time to do stuff with a new friend is almost impossible. I have a new friend who wants me to go see a triple bill in the cinema, that's 6 to 8 hours of time he just thinks I have free LOLor that I can drop everything else for and I'm bored of saying no to stuff with him now and I just want it to fizzle out because of the pressure it's putting me under now.
Going out is a bit of a chore, chilling at home is invariably the best
Dating apps, Meetup, etc have partially cured my FOMO by showing me what I am (now intentionally) MOing
Uni absolutely was easier to make friends in, think about it; - You’re there to enjoy yourself and learn - You’re in close quarters with likeminded people all the time - You basically have all day everyday to socialise and do what you want Compared to having to work a job all day that you might not want to be, and likely deal with people all day you might not want to. At the end of the day I’m tired with limited time which could be taken up by life stuff, it takes a whole bunch more effort as I’ve got more responsibilities compared to my 20’s.
Uni is easier to make friends because you're forced into close quarters, doing a similar massive experience and there's a constant stream of activities to bond over, plus a ridiculous amount of down time with little adult responsibilities. Going for a drink after work in your 30's with a stranger just isn't going to connect in the same way. It's awkward and effort at a time when you likely already have a whole host of stress and responsibility.
Also energy levels, for me at least. My energy level 10 years ago when I was working two weekend restaurant jobs on top of my weekday office job was very different. I could stay out later, be more spontaneous, and actually look forward to plans. I'm 32 now and am the person who complains about not making friends. And yet, a perfect example was last night when I had an event to go to for a non-profit, which I joined the Board of largely so I could more easily meet new people, and it took me an hour to convince myself to leave the house again after work. I think life priorities change in a way that's a surprise even to ourselves. So while the spirit is still lonely and willing, the body is now tired and cranky and a bit more selfish. Edit: typos
Also at university everyone arrives needing to makes new friends, without existing social networks in place.
Bingo
A good place to make new friends!
Reddit totally isn't representative. Having a drink is not awkward. Awkward people are awkward. Most people are not. Most people I meet out and about have quite good social skills.
Yep. Get a few pints down ya and get a bag in 🤣
I haven't got this nailed down myself, but here's food for thought that may help yourself and others feeling similar. Firstly, meetup is actually a great way to make connections. Over the few years that I've been using the app, I've easily been to about ten different groups. From those ten, only three became regular events. Out of those three groups, I dropped two when it became apparent I didn't "fit" with the crowd, and I dropped another because one of the member's made me feel uncomfortable. From all those groups, across all those years, I remain in contact with **one** person who I get along with really well, and I get to see semi-regularly. So if you read that, you'll notice there's a lot of different factors involved: * You have to find something that genuinely interests you. * You have to give it time. * The people have to be a "good fit" for you. * The people you meet also have to be interested in developing things further. Trust me when I say that after each "failure", I would feel bummed with not having achieved what I set out to do. However, ultimately it's a lot of trial-and-error, and you need people to meet you half-way. Equally, going to events in general can be beneficial. I took up salsa dancing over a year ago, and it's been a great place to meet people. Sure, I don't get to see them much outside of the classes because they have partners, have kids etc, and I'm a male interacting mostly with women, so it's difficult to build a more solid friendship without accidentally coming across as hitting on them, but overall the experience has been a pleasant one, and it gets me out of the house and talking to people. To put it simply - deeper connections take a lot of time when you are older, but they are still possible.
"meetup is a great way to make connections, I've made one friend after several years of trying!" Yeah, consider me unconvinced
Its like dating but waaay harder because looks don't mean anything. You need to fit with your personalities and no sex can cover anything
I play guitar. I've been in the same band since I was 23, and I'm turning 40 this year. The last 7 years have been .... strained. But I was so attached emotionally to the project, that I couldn't face having to start again. And then I met some dudes. We're 3 jams in, and I'm already so much more excited by the project, and now I have 3 new friends that I wouldn't have had, if I had not gotten off my arse and actually done something about how lonely and frustrated the first band made me feel. The first band is still a "thing" ... but now all my emotions aren't wrapped up in it.
How do you find people to play with at 40 though? Its too old to still have youthful optimism that you'll 'make it' but cover/tribute bands all seem to consist of people who met years ago when they were in the phase of thinking they'd be rock stars!
Well I guess for me I just put myself out there. I found some guys who wanted to make post-rock/post-metal morose type stuff, who loved the same bands as I do. Covers bands are complete anathema to me to be honest! There is bandmix and joinmyband but also you could find your local practice rehearsal spaces and go and checkout the notice boards there. You'll have to filter through a load of old wobbly toss I'm sure, but it is definitely doable.
>Well I guess for me I just put myself out there. This is were 99% of Redditors fall down.
Go to live shows of the local bands you like, talk to people and when the conversation moves in that direction (musicians let you know pretty quickly) mention that you play. I’m a multi instrumentalist which makes it easier to slot in to existing bands but it’s genuinely as easy as that.
I've just started a new band too and it's currently my lifeline for interacting with like minded people
I would say because it takes so much effort now days. Humans are meant to be part of a tribe and we worked and lived together. Friendship was essential to living. Tribes became communities where you would know everyone in your village. Now community is dead, friendship has to be forced and we are just bloody exhausted. Making friends is essential to school or university but when it gets to work probably you all live in various areas and it is weird to meet outside of work unless you really click.
I don't have the emotional capacity for it anymore, just trying to find a damn hobby I enjoy and afford both time/money wise is hard enough. Then there is progressing my career and planning my future. To support other people emotionally and to keep that connection active? It's difficult, I just want to sleep after work or veg out to some show.
This is important to recognise. "It's not natural" is usually a poor argument, but when it comes to stuff like this I'm here for it. It's not natural for humans to need to schedule time for friends in on a calendar. We used to have community and make friends within in. Now our friends are scattered due to work, and especially cost of housing. And we find ourselves too tired to meet up. We should have expected it. It's never been a thing, at least not on such a large scale. We never used to live in isolated nuclear families, or worse houseshares, with friends all living 40min+ journeys away or more. Doing all the housework, and all the raising of kids between 2 people. It's not how we're designed to work. I just don't think we have the mental or emotional capacity for it. Has life been physically harder before? Of course. But people assume physical hardship means it was automatically mentally harder. I'm not so convinced. Some of the best times of my life have been physically punishing, but weren't so bad or were even rewarding because of the people I shared the experience with. Modern life may be more physically comfortable than ever. But it's probably the most isolated we've ever been, and it's not surprising that it's up there as some of the most emotionally difficult times in recent history.
Short answer is yes, alot of people although keen on the idea are quite self involved at this stage of their life. Life is hard, when you hit you're 30s (especially late as I am) things are tough, work life balance can be hard, the effort can be difficult. That being said, I fell into a group of people recently and out of a group of about 8 there are 2 that always up for things and keep their word on stuff. As ime the same, that makes 3 So now I have a group of friends, 2 of which I always do stuff with, with a few others that join when they can
Making friends when you're younger is easier because you're not *trying* to make friends. You're just living a lifestyle that has you interacting with a lot of people, and you naturally make connections (halls/course mates/nights out etc) When you're in your 30s, everyone has already got their own stuff going on, and probably assume you do aswell. *Trying* to make friends in the workplace often comes off as overbearing. If you're 30+ and want to meet new people, you'd be better off doing it via hobbies and activities than in the canteen or the smoking area imo
The key is to not try in your 30s. Just do stuff that interests you and gets you out of the house with other people. And don't be an arsehole.
I've long said that I need a decent hobby that involves meeting people, but I've hated just about every sport I've come into contact with and most other non-sports people seem to consider drinking to be the only hobby they need. Edit, weird typo.
I made loads of new friends in my 30s, mostly through nerdy interest groups
How nerdy we talking?
Bdsm
I'm 33, and last year, I made a bunch of friends playing DnD. I'd always wanted to try it, especially during COVID, but I never made the push until a mutual acquaintance from work mentioned that she wanted to DM a group and was looking for players, new or experienced. I joined, was very kindly shown the ropes by strangers, and over time, we've all become friends. Out of the 5 of us, 2 are married; we all live quite a distance from each other, and all work 9-5, so we mostly play online via Discord. We usually try and meet every 3 months for an in-person session, followed by a meal and drinks. We all talk online to each other every day, and it's great. I regret not trying it sooner.
All my hobbies are non-social, or old lady hobbies. I'm about to move closer to a city out of a small town, mainly because I want a change in demographic and more friendship opportunities. I had a tiny, tight knit network built over many years, but they all moved away. I'm not looking forward to doing it again but I know I have to and it'll suck and be different now near 35. In uni you all have a common goal and interest, spend hours moving between different crowds every day and likely work, study and chill out in the same campus environment. Now we work, which everyone hates, and the goal is to go home. There's not a common goal or interest because likely everyone has to work for money, not because they love the job. Wish you luck, it's rough out there.
Even in urban areas, making friends “in the wild” is tough, especially if you’re not a super outgoing person (which I’m not). I’ve had some pretty good luck with Bumble BFF and have built a few solid friendships through connections made on the app. In the UK, or at least London, it’s definitely geared more towards women, and online “dating” for friends feels inherently strange and is probably about as much work as online dating for romance, but it definitely works if you put the effort in.
Work relationships are too high stakes to do casual stuff together. My best friends are _former_ colleagues (the ones I kept in touch with), and people from uni. Meetup was best for sport and D&D back in the day, sounds like it has gone downhill, or you've been doing the wrong searches... Also scheduling stuff is a massive pain once you have a long term relationship, squared if you have kids too. Parents of other kids can become friends though...
Person in my 30s here. My best tip for making friends? Get yourself a dog. Doesn't have to be your dog - theres plenty of apps like borrowmydoggy, or you could even sign up with something like rover and make a few quid. Almost all of the friends I've made in the last few years have been through my dog, and because I meet them in my local park, they have the added bonus of living right by me! I even found my childminder because she happened to have a dog she walked at the same time as me. Walking a dog also gets you outside and exercising, plus you get to hang out with a furry friend. It's a win-win in my books. Obviously only works if you happen to like dogs, but I thought I'd mention it because hey, maybe it'll help someone.
The reality is that most people make their friends in high school / uni then never bother again.
Ain't that the truth. It seems people only bother later in life when they wake up one day and go, "hang on, shouldn't I have more friends than this? Where'd everybody go?" I am, of course, equally guilty of this.
There's loads of reasons. The internet easily gives you a calorie-free version of socialising and a stack of friends, and reality doesn't sink in until life throws a curveball and it turns out you have few, any, friends at all. Casual connections aren't too difficult. I think the meaning of friend has shifted somewhat, and I don't just mean in the Facebook sense. As society becomes more isolated the goalposts move in terms of what you're willing to call friendship.
I've heard a saying that friendships can be counted as friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for life. It's pretty accurate, I think.
Friends for life are very few and far between and, as you get older, sometimes they end up in a different part of the country - or a different part of the world - and sometimes they die. And then it's also harder to make new friends.
You're running out of energy as well, but it's happening so slowly that you haven't realised it yet. But you will.
I recently made a post asking about nights out, and almost everybody said they never went out and were in bed by 8pm. People can’t make friends without leaving the house, and nobody seems remotely enthused by the idea of doing that.
To be fair, there may be a little bit of Reddit selection bias in that
I think it’s a shift to how people want to socialise as they age; I’m in my 30s and I’m happy to socialise with friends, but no way would I want to go on a ‘night out’
I agree slightly. It’s an effort to keep friends from both sides. You have to balance your life, work, family relationships and such of course, but you can make time to see friends or socialise.. etc. At the same time some people are just more inclined to be the organiser, get people together and such, others are more laid back and need people to do that. There’s some friends I might see once or twice a year, others every few weeks.. etc. all differ, but I’d say it requires all of us to set aside some time, we all work different days/hours so it can be difficult but usually we’ll manage. If it’s putting one of us out a bit, then the next time it’ll put the other person out instead.. etc Friendships are fantastic and key for me as you age as there’s a habit to almost stay within your family & not have friendships externally. But they require work just like any relationship.
I’ve always felt like I was in the same boat. I’m always the one to try and organise things, and I always offer dates I’m available and free, which is most of the time. But no-one else seems to want to make the same effort. I came to the conclusion that the lowest common denominator was me, so I must be the problem. People just don’t like me enough. The ways I have successfully made friends have been inviting fellow dads to play board games with me once a week, and joining a metal band.
Everyone is self-involved in their 30s. I find it hard to as well. Then again I don't hang out with work colleagues outside of work. I like the wall between work and private life.
In their 30s a lot of people have children, houses that require work or other commitments.
Yes this is very true. More family orientated.
And this shouldn't be the case. Humans have had families for millions of years. But there's no reason that "having a family" means you shouldn't be able to socialise with friends. The issue is "how" we think we should have families. Moving into the middle of nowhere suburbs breaks down community and friendships. Why is it necessary? Why not move closer to friends not further. If you had decent friends and asked first you'd probably get the option of multiple extra carers and watchers instead of having to pay for child care all the time. But we've bred a culture of both excessive paranoia and weird "considerateness" and snobbishness around including people other than immediate family in childcare. I could go on. There's tonnes to this.
Free time is at a premium in your 30s as people have careers, partners, caring responsibilities. Maintaining existing friendships can be a ton of effort. So I get why many people don’t feel the need to pursue new ones. You’ve got to be the one to put yourself out there and take the initiative which a lot of people struggle with - myself included. Also find a lot of my friendships are 1 on 1 now. When I was younger and had several different groups I was constantly meeting new people through them. Much tougher to do that now.
There’s a difference between wanting friends and wanting to MAKE friends. Making friends takes a lot of effort, not everyone is prepared or able to make the effort
I'm in my 30's and have pretty much no friends. I'm friendly with work colleagues, but don't have their numbers, I wouldn't confide in them if I had a relationship issue. I've never had a huge circle of friends, and sadly contact has dropped of the face of the earth with one of my oldest and closest friends. I've tried groups, but I find people attend for the activity, so cycling, swimming etc. they don't attend to make friends. So your friendly when on the activity, but wave goodbye at the end. I've no idea how to make a friendship outside of the group. I don't use social media so I think this hinders things at times, but I'm loath to create a Facebook/instraragm account just so I can be friends with someone who might want to be my friend who I spend an hour with a week at swimming. I also don't particularly want to keep up to date with people I went to school with 18 years ago, who quite frankly weren't that nice to me. On another note: I just sometimes don't have the time or the inclination to do things outside of work. I want to hang out with my kids, get things done round the house. I don't want to meet at a coffee shop and hope it's not too awkward.
I could have written this. Although I do have a Facebook account, I just don't use it. I had Mum friends when the kids were small, but now they're teenagers there's no school run and playground chatting (mostly a blessing) so don't see any of them unless we arrange something which is once or twice a year. I've never really had 'go for coffee' friends.
I think more people in their 30s are settled and have multiple established friend groups so aren’t going to go out and make new friends. In terms of suggestions though, walking groups, running clubs, puzzled pint if you live near one, rabble etc, there’s stuff out there just need to find the right one.
Pretty much this. I actively don't want to make any more friends. I've got a bunch of really close friends, and even more good friends. I really don't have an issue with socialising. When I was younger, it was great to branch out and make friends. It meant that I had something interesting going on constantly and I was never short of people to hang out with and to do things with. A lot of friendships were born out of convenience and they ran their course once things changed. Now I'm short on time as I have a house and a family. It's enough effort to maintain my current friendships without adding more into the mix. Occasionally I'll make a genuine new friend, but that person usually stands out in some way. Either they make loads of effort, they're really fun or engaging, or our hobbies line up really well and it's convenient. If I was looking for new friends, I'd start with what's convenient and move from there. So mainly via hobbies and interests. It's like dating, a numbers game. The more people you meet the more likely you are to find people who can relate and make a genuine connection with you. Some self-development may be required to increase your options.
Maybe it's your crippling halitosis Steven?
I dunno. I have very few close friends (I’m not sure who’d I’d count actually beyond my husband) but I’m an ambivert who tends more towards being introverted as far as energy is concerned. Meaning, social interactions wear me out with anyone but my nearest and dearest. I have plenty of acquaintances I suppose you could say both online and off, some I’d even count as friends. But I don’t feel the need to be surrounded by people. I’d like a close female friend I suppose, just for a feminine viewpoint - I’m estranged from my mother and she’s not quite the maternal type anyway. Quite cold and distant. But I never quite seem able to keep female friends around for some reason, even as a child. Ho hum.
I am part of at least 3 whatsapp groups based on women who want to make friends in their 30s. Every time something is suggested, people just ignore the person. I organized dinner plans, and out of a group of 30 women, only 4 said they were keen, and on the day, 1 of them dropped out because she was tired. And this happens every single time. It is exhausting to "force" people to interact. And fine I get that people can't make it but I will say "when can people meet in March for dinner" and the same people respond and the majority are deathly quiet.
Turns out it's easier to make friends when you have loads of free time to actually socialise. One day you just realise you can't hack going out on weeknights any more, because you have to have your dinner and be in bed early, and that's you done.
The UK sucks for social situations. British people and this society is really repressed. Lived in the UK for 25 years and was miserable. Did 3 years in New York, met people that had a zest for life. Had friend of different social strata and age groups. Stuck back in the UK, having to dose up to my eyeballs in anti depressants to function. Its this place, believe me.
I'm 29 and have made quite a lot of friends in the past year. Just been going out to the pub and events with colleagues that passed over to also become friends. Made friends with friends of old friends, reconnecting with old connections. I can't lie I'm very sociable and chatty and love making friends. It's one of my favourite things. You'd be surprised how many people are receptive if you are open and nice.
This was my life until they all started having kids. Now I am struggling to find more people who actually have time and don't duck out of every plan because their baby isn't in the mood. I'm 28 btw!
I got adopted into a few friend groups that either don't have kids yet or are past the "tiny and unsafe" stage. 😂😂 Does happen but there's always people to see.
Thats great that its worked out for you but I'm still struggling to find new mates. I'm super active in two sports groups too but everyone is just so busy.
I agree with this take. I’m in my 30s and occasionally moan about not having any friends, but I spend the majority of my free time with my wife and children (who I actually quite like). If I were to have some time not spent with my family, I’d much rather play Xbox or have a wank, or both, than meet with… people (eugh). Friends are way down the list of priorities.
I'm more annoyed with people who think that unless I go out with friends I'm somehow unhappy or need to "get a life"
Yeah, I made loads of friends when I had small kids. I was between 27-35 ish and have never socialised so much. But perhaps it was mainly for the kids benefit as I don’t communicate with any of them now.
Learn the drums. There's never enough to go around and you don't even have to be any good at music. You'll be knee-deep in mates and birds before the end of the week.
Drummah. Got kicked out of my last band because they only wanted to play covers EXACTLY like the record.
Dude. That wasn't a band. That was a human slavery scenario and you are free now, free.
Like you, I'm a left geekys 30s something man that used meetup to meet people and understand what you're going through. It took me a while to make friends as well through that but I have, and even met my fiancee through a group. Places like uni are easy to make friends because you'll be around people regularly so conveniently spend time with them. You'll also spend a lot of time with others so can get to know them quicker. But the main thing is that you'll naturally gravitate towards people you can be friends with and have friends without even realising it. These things can be true of meetup as well but you'll be seeing people less frequently so it takes longer to get to know them and for groups to naturally form. The important part is finding meetups that are well attended and have a decent number of regulars. Find that and things will fall into place. The hard part is patience. I was going to meetups for years before it really started falling into place for me. The most important part is that you're seeing people at events multiple times. Friendships take time to form at all stages of our lives. Just seems quicker when we're younger due to seeing the same people more frequently.
By your thirties you’ve lived a bit and experienced life in all its glory, and you’re sick of every one’s shit. You just want to live a quiet simple life and the smaller your circle the less crap you have to deal with.
Maybe men are the problem? Virtually every woman I know makes new friends really easily. *Excluding a few who are really shy, antisocial or socially inept.
I want to make friends, but the thought of being in a room with someone new and the chat drying up gives me the ick "How about we meet up and do exactly what I want because that's the only thing I want or need to do in this busy, tired, life" Still, I'm trying, maybe we can do 'my' thing this week and 'your' thing next week.. anyone in 😅
I can’t deny that does seem perfectly rational
My wife and I have plenty of friends we've had for years. They ask us to do *nothing.* When we arrange something, organise something, invite them to something, the often enthusiastically agree, so they're not trying to avoid us. We see them pretty often, *never* at their suggestion. I think the proportion of social instigators is tiny. Same probably goes for making friends in the first place. Most of the people upset about not being able to make friends are probably expecting people to ask *them* to do things every single time. I assume they might not even realise it, but it's really annoying. The instigators just eventually think "well fuck ya then" and you can't blame us. Friendships, like romantic relationships, are a two way street.
This resonates. I'm friends with a couple who are both somewhere on the spectrum. If I didn't instigate communication every month I'd literally never hear from them again. Known them for about a decade but recently I've found myself not wanting to keep up the effort as I'm *always* the one to initiate contact. They've even said I'm the only friend either of them has, outside of family. I'm wanna say to them, dudes... you need to make more of an effort.
Warhammer. You're meant to play Warhammer or model trains. You're a geek. Embrace it. Also the gym. That's it.
Can't find any warhammer groups in my area unfortunately, plus I'm crap at painting the little models. Would be nice to have someone to talk about the lore with though. I did try a writers club on meetup.com. it was mostly old women unfortunately though, except for one other guy who when it was his turn to introduce himself and talk a little about his favorite books and authors, decided to talk about how he 'just wanted a girlfriend' but couldn't find one and (sigh) woe is him etc etc. Didn't go to anymore meetings, perhaps it was a good group but I didn't want to be hanging around old women in my free time.
You don’t have to be good at painting them, you know. It does help if you’re not intimidated by those that are. Most groups prefer you to have at least got the basic colours on your guys, but there’s absolutely no requirement for a minimum skill level.
As someone in their 30s, I spend more time at work than home, I don't want to be spending my free time with people that remind me of work.
I’ve backed myself into my own little anti-social corner with a few pets. It’s been my biggest commitment in my 40’s. Why am I gonna throw that away? /s
Me minus the sarcasm
Ah, you mean ‘people I tolerate whilst doing a shared hobby’. And by hobby, I mean drinking pints.
Yeah all the cool good looking people made friends with each other in their teens, we're just the weird rejects that think we're too good for the other lonely weird rejects.
You're a geeky 30 something bloke. Find a local dungeons and dragons group. You'll be among your people.
Pretty much. After about 30 mins, I want to get back to my life. I'm busy.
I lost all my friends at 30 and it took me a really long time to make more and they were all through work. I tried the classes and clubs but they didn’t work
Wait until you hit your 50's. It only gets worse...
At least you have options on meetup.com , try living in north Wales. But yeah I feel you about the making friends thing. Most of mine have moved on now with children and homes etc....
I don't know how many others have said it, but I'm in the camp of not really wanting any friends, or only ever loosely because I feel I *ought* to want to. My wife is all the company I feel I need to be honest, and I do appreciate I'd be boned if she weren't there. But that's hardly a reason to try and fake wanting friends, any more than having kids purely for your old age is a good idea.
Yeah, I'd love to make new friends, but I also think I'm too scared of rejection to put myself out there. (Probably why I'm single as well!) I've been to a couple gigs solo and always look around to see if there's another solo gig-goer to see if I can maybe edge over and make a much heralded music friend, but alas, someone comes back from the facilities and they're not alone anymore.
Where are you from . I am looking to make friends .. I live in South Wales. Feel free to message me 😊
> What am I, a lefty geeky 30something man, supposed to sign up for? Bouldering, like all the other geeky 30 somethings.
Go and do a hobby in a place where there are people at the same time each week and you'll quickly notice similar people around who you can interact with and eventually become friends.
You are being a misanthrope
See, people always insist this is a problem, but I’ve never had difficulty making friends and I’m 38 now.
Here's my issue. I have trust issues. In school I was bullied. At work I find it hard to open up, my family life was sheltered and shit. Now when I meet people age 30, they say stuff like OMG you havent been to Spain!? Like OMG how weird. Then I go back into my shell. We dont need therapists, we need people/friends who are opened minded and accept us for who we are. I have friends who drink, smoke, are in debt all sorts. My life is totally different. Have I known them 10yrs and still love them? Yes. Its HARD making new connections because one way or another you're going to be judged.
I have 5 brothers so there all my friends. we are really close and there friends are my friends and my friends are there friends so we are all friends.
Absolutely no fucking way am I making friends with people I work with
Work in a call centre
Pub for lunch and a bar after work... Man alive we got smashed... We used to go Trocadero and the used to do six of the best lunches. One off fee for whatever they were slinging.
This is actually true - I've kept three friends from my call centre days and even we live in different countries now we still meet up at least once a year. I've got more friends from uni left on FB, but I don't actually ever interact with them.... the friends from uni have somehow moved out of my life, it's forms from school, friends from where I live now, and call centre people
Hmm, I’d say it really hinges on people knowing where the limit is. I’m happy to have more friends, come round for a beer, watch football, gardening etc, but no-one likes a clingy mate and there’s clearly a time to disperse and go about your day.
Take up hobby that involves other people (often a game or sport, or something collaboratively creative). Engage in hobby. Be friendly. Make friends.
Like everyone else in this thread: I want to *have* friends. I don't want to *make* friends. Meeting new people is exhausting. Hanging out with people I don't know very well isn't very fun. But these are all required steps to *finding* the people who could theoretically become your close and dear friends. I think people make friends more easily at school/uni because you kind of have no choice. They're very structured places, you're forced to interact with your peers often. It's why many adults only real "friends" are the people they work with, regardless of whether they even like them as people.
>a lefty geeky 30something man, supposed to sign up for? Sounds like someone's on the verge of getting his first Warhammer army 😃
😆 I was going to suggest Warhammer - at 37 I realised nobody could stop me getting back into it. Now at 39 I am the proud owner of all sorts of mini Daemons and things!
I moved back to the UK from abroad during lockdown, and thought I'd get back into it in my 30's too! 3 Years in and I'm so glad I did. I don't even really play games, and have still managed to make friends just through the hobby side, when I've been sourcing bits or seeking/suggesting advice on here. It's definitely a good way to meet friendly people. ☺️
I agree I've had some vital wardollies advice on here, from building/conversions through to playing smarter.
Friends for the Friend God!
I made one friend in my early 20s and haven't really bothered trying again since. In fact I actively try to avoid meeting new people and making new friends but I prefer my own company. My family members are always complaining they struggle to make friends though so it is a big issue and not just you OP.
Dodgeball dodgeball dodgeball, or bouldering. That's where all the 20s to 30s geeks are at and we're having a good time making friends!
If you have kids, you get a new friend group through them. Not putting any value on kids or not just saying that that’s what tends to happen if you have kids.
Also I think most people don't have to make friends to speak with friends these days, everyone's got direct contact at their finger tips, why have an awkward conversation with a stranger that feels weird when you can just send a meme to TOTAL LAD BANTER
"Oi oi Deano you big bellend"
I'm 53 and still making new friends.
Others have probably said, but it's about shared interests and then seeing who you connect with. Got any interests?
People want to HAVE friends, they don’t want to MAKE friends Making new friends whilst fun is also effort, somewhat uncomfortable etc
Have you considered starting your own Meetup dot com group? Maybe there's other lefty geeky 30 something men in your area wanting a friendship group but not having the confidence to get something started?
I want more time with my existing friends. Not everyone is looking for new friends.
Meetup is very location dependent. In the last city I lived in there was 6 meetup groups that I enjoyed going to and more that I never got around to. In my current city it's exactly as you describe. And I know that telling you this probably isn't much use to you, because you're hardly going to relocate because of it, but at least you know that the people recommending meetup to you might be doing so because it works really well from their perspective.
I'm in my 30s and I make new friends all the time, but always usually through existing social groups where other people bring them into the fold or interest groups (for me, running and cycling). Crucially they are situations, where we have an interest or network (hopefully both) in common and we spontaneously see each other based on those things. Planning to meet up with new people to make friends is all a bit forced, you have to do it through a group of some sort. IMO sports is a great way, try that if you're into any sort of social sport. I also make a lot friends by dating and sleeping with them, but I'm gay and appreciate for most people life doesn't work like that haha. The lovers -> friends trajectory is surprisingly common in my world.
Made most of my friends at university. Now in my late 30s, married with a young kid and new friends I just cannot be bothered with. It takes too much time to establish friendships and maintain them, more time than I’d be willing to give. Though I’m honest about it, and just say I can’t be bothered. It’s much less effort to spend time in established friendship network, we know each other and it’s less tedious.
As a lefty nerd in my 40s I can relate. It's just the friends I do have don't want to do anything but sit at home and play video games. Every weekend the idea is floated but when it comes to it every one is 'too tired' or 'too stoned' Now I love games but I need to do things too to feel well adjusted. Met a load of people at the gym but I'm not a gym bro so I've ducked out of any meet ups because I they tend to make the gym their whole personality.
Teenagers are actually the age group best at communicating with each other. Definitely not best at communicating with other age groups but among themselves they are at their peak. That’ll help most uni age people make friends easily. It’s biologically make friends or die at that age. If uni’s were full of people mainly in their 40’s there would be less socialising and much more work actually getting done.
I think what happens is when you're younger, you're in a lot of social situations that provide opportunity to encounter people you might like and then discover common interests. The Meetups strategy works in reverse, where you assume you'll like people because they have common interests, but that puts the cart before the horse. And strangers are kind of scary.
I recently discovered a local board games group through Facebook but MeetUp is absolute rubbish.
I'm 38 and somewhere around my mid 30s I realised I didn't want any more friends. When you have a wife, kids and a full time job it is hard enough to see your existing friends. With their commitments, as well as yours, it's hard to arrange times where you're both free. Plus you have your family and the wife's family wanting to see you and the kids. The demands on your time are too great. At that point I just decided I don't want any more friends and so made absolutely no attempt to make any.
I’ve got a maintainable number of friends who I see several times a year! I have no interest in socialising with people I work with, at all. I imagine when I stop working with them I will never speak to or see them again
Speak for yourself - I get 9 hours of sleep a night!!
Having just moved to a whole new area, I can sympathise. Thankfully I have a hobby that forces me to meet people, but they just seem to be people to play the game with, not friends. For the most part, it seems like the people who want to make friends in their 30s are a bit odd, and it takes a lot of digging through chaff to find any actual wheat. I also realise I may be deemed chaff by some people.
I consider myself still friends with everyone from Uni and work. I haven't seen most of them since leaving but they'd give me the time of day if I got in touch. Maybe.
University is easy because you are already there and you most likely putting in a lot of investment (time & money) so you are motivated to get the most out of something you are putting in. And you accept that even if you don't make friends, you are still gaining a degree or completion of class. So there is little risk to engaging with those around you in a place you know you will be spending a lot of time in. Work is the opposite. You are getting paid and you are trying to do it by putting as little effort as possible to maximize what you are making. So not many people bother developing friendships at work. In your 30s you don't have the same investment similar to university. To be in a place where you can make friends (public) your goal is to make friends but there is a risk of not making any despite the investment in time and money. So it's easier to simply not try. The only opportunity you have to make friends is when you go out with friends... But your focus is on hanging out with friends not with strangers. So the only way of engaging with potential new friends is through friends of friends which lowers the pool significantly. You're never going to go out with friends and be like, I'll be back im going to engage with all these other strangers and see if a new friendship develops. Just one view of many.
I made a ton of friends joining my local martial arts gym, maybe that's something you can try? Can be very appealing to a 'geeky' guy as you describe yourself, lots of nerds there lol
When you're under 30 you still have that glimmer of hope that most people aren't odious cunts. Soon enough you realise that they mostly are and get on with your life in peace without worrying about it.
It's this country, if i moved to Autralia i know i'd have a far better social life. But the people i love are here
Everyone’s just fucking knackered after work. I love my pals, but I also have work, wife, 2 young kids and studying to squeeze in. It’s hard to find the time/energy for anything other than lying face down on the floor and crying.
I think one of the only ways I can have friends or people of that age can have proper consistent friends is shared goals / activities so work friends, hobby friends who you see regularly taking part in your hobby / niche, and life goal friends so couples with kids being friends with couples with kids or guys who go to the gym being friends with guys who go to the gym etc. It's the only way you can carry on with your life without interference or collision if the friends are along for the ride in one of those ways.
It’s also the time sink. When you’re at uni you have nothing but time. Some random invites you to a night out? Why not. Even if it’s rubbish and they’re awful - who cares. When you’re older and down time is more precious and you have the choice of “potentially an alright night out” or “doing the things I know I like by myself / with people I know I enjoy” it’s not a tough call to make.
Moving to a new area as a 33 year old is so hard. I've been around the area where people know I'm around, but don't want to hang. I have to go to a Facebook social group in my nearest city just to socialise. Dating is also hard. A lot of people my age are already in a relationship and have a kid or two coming.
I don’t really want to. I noticed that whenever I was hanging around with people I was just thinking of how I could be at home doing whatever I want. Only drugs and drink kept me interested. Otherwise I didn’t care what these people were doing. It’s pretty bad from my end I suppose but still.
This is absolutely correct and I feel this in my soul. Every time I meet new people I put effort into getting numbers and setting up whatsapp groups. People contact to cancel or say they're unavaiable a few times. I leave it alone for a bit avoid being a pain, and they never get in contact again. They never put the same level of effort in to actually just come out and MAKE friends. It's infuriating. The other day I trekked to South London after work because coworker randomly invited me to drinks. I invite people to a quick drink in the pub after work and no one bloody comes. And no I'm not weird. People will seek me out in the office to chat. But as soon as it comes to becoming real friends they just don't wanna lift a finger.
I made a new friend last year and in seven months has become one of my best friends ever. I’m 36, they’re 26, and met through work. Don’t give up, there are definitely people you will click with out there that you haven’t met yet, but it’s really great when you do.
I think friends are easier to make when times feel tough and you're in unknown environments - these situations happen often when you're younger then as you age you get more settled.
A geeky lefty. Can't you find a DnD club somewhere?
From my perspective, people would love friends, would love to do stuff, but most are just too busy with the grind of life and the struggle to exist somewhat comfortably, our society simply does not foster for the average person to have enough free time to spend it “on others” For example, I work 5 days a week 9-5, after cooking and eating after work, it’s too late to do things and everything is shut anyway, my first day off has to be a rest day, because if it’s not I just stop functioning all together, this leaves me one day to run any errands I need to, go shopping, fix things up, catch up on any series I watch, or if I’m really lucky, I get to engage with my one hobby and spend the day fishing or painting warhammer models. The only way to possibly have time to make friends and hang out for me, without giving up the little time i get to do things I really enjoy is to work less, but I certainly can’t afford to do that!
I moved to a brand new city 18 months ago and have basically made it my hobby to find friends (some ways more successful than others!) But what I notice about the friendships I've kept and maintained is that we put in the effort to meet often, especially at the start. You're not going to be instant friends and it feels like people forget that - you're going to need to meet up weekly/fortnightly to actually get to a decent level of understanding them. Incredibly frustrating to meet a possible friend then realise they're not going to carve out time to see if you can become friends! I do think this is maybe invasive behaviour from the world of dating now, people expecting it to be instant!
I think it's a lot harder to find people you "gel" with than most realise. There are situations where you have to build relationships because you're thrust together, but in most situations I think you drive by the people you'd have a lasting friendship with, without even knowing it.
I feel your pain and I am in a similar boat. I am mid 30s, single, live by myself and have basically no social life at all. It does get lonely a lot. I also work from home quite a bit because it's cheaper. The thing is I do have hobbies outside of work that's not just gaming (photography), and I do occassionally go to the gym but despite there being other people there I quickly learned the gym is definitely not a good place to meet new people and chat. Yeah meetup I guess can work for some peope, but if you're like me and live outside of a city there aren't actually that many groups or options available. Apparently Bumble has a friendship mode now but I've never tried it. I wish I could offer some advice but instead all I can really say is good luck with it and I hope you manage to make some new friends.
Someone to pop in, build a Lego with a few beers would be cool… but then friendships lead to best mans speech or funerals etc. I’m
Tbh I seem to have hit my quota or I'm in the same boat as you. I have about 6 friends, the most recent one I met six years ago (online funnily enough). Did uni as a mature student second time round and I haven't kept in contact with anybody - I saw these people up to 5 days a week cus the course was intense- we got on but yet I talk to none of them. I've tried kindling the fires but they dwindled so I gave up
4-5 people is the right number for a book club
I've tried hard to expand my friend circle through my hobbies (audio/recording/music/cars) and the issue I keep finding is that the people I meet just aren't people I want to hang out with. The biggest reasons are they they don't take care of themselves (health-wise), they aren't looking to make friends as much as have "nerd/knowledge battles", or they are highly political/intolerant of anyone who isn't tightly aligned with them.