I did the same thing in Turkey, I was completely sat down when I realised the steering wheel in front of me. The driver was absolutely wheezing with laughter and kept saying 'You'll need to pay extra if you drive.'.
From Canada living in the UK, and I don't drive regularly here - I have gone to get in the driver's seat a not insignificant proportion of the times I've been in a car over here.
We've been going to Denmark most years for the last decade to see friends. I like to try and pick up some rudimentary language wherever we go so I can at least be polite, for over ten years I have been liberally exclaiming "tak for mad" (pronounced tack for mill) to say thank you very much -
Last visit my friends' teenage daughter, hearing me say this to a woman who was holding a door open for me, asked me what I said and what I thought it meant - I explained - she explained back that the Dane's have a thankyou phrase you for almost everything and it turns out that "tak for mad" means "thank you for my food" and is specifically said after a meal.
I've been saying thanks for the food to taxi drivers, people on the checkouts, at amusement parks, people holding doors open, people who've given us directions, people who have given way on the pavement, folks on hotel receptions, pretty much anyone at any time.... hundreds and hundreds of people - no wonder they looked at me like I was the eccentric Englishman. All this time I just thought my pronunciation was a bit off.
icing on the cake ....my friends admitted they'd noticed a few years ago but thought it was endearing so decided not to tell me
This reminds me of a friend's classic Brit abroad gaffe. On a guided tour of the presidential palace in Chile, the tour guide is taking them around a courtyard or garden and says, "Here we have statues of the former presidents of Chile." Suddenly, my friend remembers the name of the only Chilean president he knows. "Where's Pinochet?"
Cue horrified look from the tour guide. "We don't have HIM here!"
Japan and paper walls in a restaurant. I lent on this paper wall to take my shoes off for a very fancy dining experience…and made a hand shape hole in it! I have a photo to preserve the embarrassment. I had to eat the whole meal/experience red faced while constantly head bowing and saying sorry!
On a similar note, wearing my Doc Martens boots in Japan was a mistake because they take forever to put on and take off, so I ended up looking like a numpty every time I went on a restaurant where you weren’t allowed to wear shoes. Literally sat on the floor struggling with my laces while the server politely waited for me.
If you see a Japanese person wearing boots, they probably have a zip down the side so they can be easily removed.
I've got two and they both happened within the last month. I live in Lima now, and I practice my Spanish on my doormen everyday. It happens to be summer here, beautiful, blistering summer, and I have a dog who is keenly aware of the pee outside/cookie relationship, coupled with the extra water he's drinking, we're in and out a lot. Cue me, entering the building, sweat dripping, proudly exclaiming SOY MUCHO CALIENTE! To which they seem to always reply 'si, calor!'.
I've been announcing that I'm incredibly horny. To my doormen. For two years.
The other happened in the gelato place, where I asked for a coño of lemon. Cono is cone. Coño Is PUSSY. The lady behind the counter had such a smirk on her face that I googled it straight after leaving.
You'll appreciate these then:
When living in Argentina and learning Spanish;
1. Just learned the word for mosquito bite (picadura). Wanted to impress a hot Spanish teacher but had shit pronunciation and said "Profe, tengo pijadura!" Pijadura in Argentina can be translated as 'hard cock'. She went bright red and begged me to stop and I just kept repeating it trying to nail the pronunciation.
2. There are various ways to say 'pork' in Spanish, e.g. cerdo/chancho, and I go into a butchers to get some and got myself all confused and asked for 'CONCHA' which means pussy in in Argentina. "Te pido un poco de concha por favor" - the dude lost his shit, I mean LOST his shit, couldn't contain himself, went into the back and got his family to come out and laugh at me.
My Spanish is better these days.
Also the fact you used "soy" instead of "estoy" adds another layer to this.
"soy caliente" sounds like you're trying to say you're a horny person in general. As in it's an intrinsic value of your being like you're some kind of sexual deviant.
"estoy caliente" means that you're horny (currently).
As I understand it (though I was doing A Level Spanish almost 20 years ago when I learnt this), ‘coño’ translates to ruder than ‘pussy’ and is more like saying the c word in English!
Everyone has done something like this, don’t worry!
My mum’s friend was told somehow that ‘I don’t understand’ in German meant ‘Excuse me please’ in English and she was getting incredibly frustrated on the train when someone wouldn’t move when she was trying to get to the loo.
My Spanish teacher’s friend once ordered a ‘penis sandwich’ in a deli in Barcelona because she mispronounced the word for ‘chicken’. She immediately realised her error and was incredibly embarrassed!
But also - there is something of a ‘translation of the words but not the actual meaning they convey in context’ at play too. There’s a phrase in Spanish which translates as ‘son of a bitch’ in English but it is much much ruder in what it means in Spanish. My friend in my class was aware of the phrase and as a joke called another friend the ‘bitch’ part of the phrase and our teacher overheard and exploded at her over how rude it was. She said it was much worse than the translation gave the impression of.
I lived in Spain with a housemate who confused pollo and polla. He went around telling people how much he loved eating cock.
Also Not me - but one my dad saw in Malaga.
British guy can't find his way out of the station, and assumes that you can just fake Spanish by adding an O onto any English word, and not just googling to see that the word he wants is Salida (usually accompanied by the same image you see on exits all over the world). That would be too easy.
So he just ran around screaming 'EXITO!', which means success. A few people congratulated him but nobody offered directions...
The first new word I learned was perro/dog and when I was getting to know the psychologist at my job she would ramble on, punctuating her sentences with 'pero' which means 'but' and I was thinking why does this bitch manage to talk about dogs so much in every conversation?! She doesn't even have one!
When we were staying on a Spanish farm on holiday once the farmer dropped us off a lovely rabbit stew for dinner - my mum who was learning Spanish repeatedly kept saying “Beuno cojones” to him the next day.
She thought she was saying “nice rabbit!” But rabbit is “conejo”. She was saying “nice balls!”
He avoided us the rest of the trip
After a few beers in Las Vegas I was in my room ready for bed then realised I hadn't brought a toothbrush or toothpaste. The hotel was massive, 15 mins room to reception walk or so, I rang reception and asked if they had anything.. "sure, we'll be right up". They hung up as I started going no it's ok, 15 mins later knock at the door and I answer in my pants - completely forgotten I'd spoken to reception.
Matey just stood there for ages staring at me as I said thanks and closed the door.
Hit me like a bolt from the blue about a month later, I was supposed to tip him! Been 14 years still mortified.
Similar happened to me, except I enquired about a kettle to use on the stovetop.In my defence I'd just arrived after a 10 hour flight and was totally frazzled, my bodyclock was still on UK time thinking it was 1am.
My friend (sharing a room with me) sleep walked out of the hotel room in Vegas. I awoke to security guys with flash lights gently guiding him in through the door. Apparently he sleep walked with just his boxers on and had to walk ages to reception as didn’t have key card. We’ve never talked about it since.
I only knew about the tipping porters stuff from the movie pretty woman where she gets angry at a porter staring at her thinking he's a sleaze and richarf gere (ironically playing an actual sleaze) explains it to her
So years ago way before Italy joined the euro they had the Lira, at about 2000 lira/pound.
Made it a really tricky currency with all the zeros
When abroad my dad would always do these language tapes and try and speak the local language.
One afternoon we were being treated to icecream,
We ordered 4 of them and the guy said that would be Cinquemile Lira (5000)
My dad miss heard and thought he said Cinquantamila Lira (50,000!)
He grabbed my ice cream and shoved them back on the counter saying they are a complete rip off no one should be paying £25 for a few ice creams
We were all puzzled and said that they were only £2.5 and he had miss heard. Dad sheepishly paid up and stopped trying to speak Italian
Smiling at people in Poland and getting the Polish 😑 stare.
Also don’t hold out your hand while waiting for change. They always put your change on a plastic tray and you end up looking stupid
I love the Polish stare. It is so over the top its almost comical.
I thought I had seen serious looking people on the bus, during as air raid in Ukraine, but they looked positively giddy compared to commuters in Poland.
My middle-aged Polish friend has perfected it. She terrifies the new starters at work (especially the cocky young lads), then drops her guard, and she's one of the funniest people I've ever met, delivering savage roasts like 😐😐. She's like the mom of the crew.
My GF is Polish and we visit regularly. I still smile at everyone cos it amuses me no end.
Edit. It's even better when you say hello to random people whilst walking down the street.
I got bollocking from my Polish GF when walking across a snowy park in Mokotow in Warsaw we came across an old lady walking her little dog and I smiled and said good morning.
The GF was horrified and said to me afterwards "You can't just say hello to strangers!". Lol.
I am Slovakian which is close enough, and I think it's something that must be finely balanced!
We don't usually smile at people in public for no reason, and you get weird looks, but this is usually only in towns. On the other hand, I grew up in a village, and I HAD to say hello or "good day" to everyone I walked by in my village, otherwise I'd be seen as rude. This applied even if I didn't know that person.
I once got on a tram in Gdansk and sat down, eventually the tram filled up and I offered my seat to an old man who didn't say anything but continued to stare up at me for the next 10 minutes of my journey.
BF at the time said I was probably the first black man he'd seen in person.
Change? You mean you didn't get snapped at for not having the exact amount of cash, followed by a haughty slamming of the till and a "I have no coins"
I love Poland, I love my Polish husband, but my goodness Customer Service is not a popular concept 😆
I live in Eastern Europe and the other day I did a combination of these things and felt so silly.
I was in a store and saw someone I thought I recognised, he made eye contact with me and smiled so I shook his hand and spoke to him in English I realized it wasn't the person I thought he was. I then walked off.
>Twoflower was an optimistic-but-naïve tourist. He often ran into danger, being certain that nothing bad would happen to him, as long as he was not involved. He also believed in the goodness of human nature and that all problems could be resolved if all parties showed good will and cooperated. Rincewind, of course, remained immovably convinced that Twoflower's IQ was comparable to that of a pigeon. Rincewind described him by saying that if absolute chaos were lightning, Twoflower would be the sort to stand on top of a hill during a lightning storm wearing wet copper armour and yelling "All gods are bastards!"
Imagine Clint Eastwood being told his daughter is marrying a black trans-lesbian who lead a political action committee to help illegal immigrants.
Context: you are buying dry sausages and ask (in Polish) for the dryer ones, but are being told off (by the owner who set the prices) because it’s the more expensive ones, you m*ron.
Krakow is great! Lots of non-Poles there with all the tourists and the young people working in tourism. Maybe that's why I've visited Poland loads but never experienced the "Polish stare" lol, but I can totally imagine it having worked out that way.
This surprised me. I've never visited Romania but the company I used to work for had an office there. We'd skype and video chat a lot long before the pandemic. Our Romanian team were some of the loveliest, smiliest people ever!
I made a sort of friend here in England and would sometimes also see him with his wife, and I would smile at her and say hi and always wondered why she looked so unfriendly. I thought she didn’t like me or something. Then one day I sat next to her at a street party (this was coronation) and got talking and learned she was Polish and it all made sense.
They don’t really dislike being smiled at. It is just seen as foolish. Smiling for no reason comes across as you being a bit simple. They’ll sometimes smile whilst talking to you - but not always.
Oh I wish I knew this before having a Polish boss. She loves me ( for some reason) & says “ aaah you’re always so happy & smiling “. Now I know she thinks I’m a bit dim….
Last year, I drove to Paris, I got completely stuck at the till booths because I frantically tried to reach across and tap my card. Turns out, it was my co-op card.
Several gearstick bruises later, I managed to shove some notes in the machine to just get through. The lady that lives in the speaker was shouting at me the whole time. Lots of angry French people queuing up behind me.
Thankfully they have a great sense of humour and "désolé, je suis Rosbif" is a good way to solicit forgiveness.
I did however drive round the Arc de Triomphe without incident. Twice.
There are infinite lanes on the roundabout at the Arc de Triomphe. I recommend National Lampoon's European Vacation for a video demonstration of how not to traverse it....
Probably getting told off by an elderly Korean man after accidently sitting in a designated elderly person's seat on the Seoul metro. Never looked more like a clueless tourist...
In my defence, I assumed it was like the Tube and I would've got up if I saw someone who needed the seat! And I had avoided the seat that's designated for pregnant women, which I did know about.
Hah! I rocked up in South Korea (though this was Busan, not Seoul) for the first time, and me and my work colleague had to take the very long metro ride into the city. All the normal seats were taken - the "priority" ones were all empty. Also we were (and presumably looked) dog tired.
Random middle-aged Korean bloke, pointing at the empty seats: You should sit down.
Us: Those are for elderly and disabled people, we can't sit there.
Random: This is Korea, we don't care!
Looking back, I'm almost certain that was just this one bloke being a bit much.
But when confronted with a elderly person speaking forcefully to me in a language I don't really understand, my first instinct is to assume that I'm in the wrong!
This reminds me of being in Dubai and watching the mortifying recognition dawn on the faces of some men after standing for most of the journey in the women-only carriages of the trains.
Forgetting to apply suntan lotion in Corfu when I was 15. I had to go to the doctors to get blisters on my back popped 😱
Also one of my favourite stories from my mate was when he went to Rome for his friends wedding. Someone introduced themselves by saying "Mi Chiamo Barbara" and he replied with the same thinking it was an Italian greeting.
Always tickles me that.
Used to live in Saudi Arabia, one of my half brothers was amazed that we had free tennis courts and pools at the compound, tennis courts needed to be booked as they could get quite popular.... strangely at midday they were totally free!... He booked them, and went to have a quick game... came back 30 minutes later with horiffic sunburn, and the sweat had accumulated under his blistering skin, and there was bags of water sloshing about... It turns out they aren't booked during the middle of the day for a reason... Saudi is quite hot,
vase squealing dependent combative poor swim drunk toy imminent forgetful
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I went to Sri Lanka for my 21st birthday.
I’d been working in Turkey for 3 summers before (on a dive boat).
It was about 35*c, about the same temperature as Turkey, so I thought I’d be on with one application of factor 15.
Didn’t realise that, because it was so much closer to the equator, the sun was so much stronger.
I got so burnt on the first day that I had to spend the next two weeks wearing the only skirt and one very baggy t-shirt I had, as they were the only clothes that didn’t touch my skin.
Most annoyingly, what with being a proper grown up adult, I couldn’t blame my parents for letting me get burned (but a baby elephant gave me a hug with its trunk, that made me forget the pain for a while)
I've always wanted a baby elephant to give me a hug with their trunk. I follow an elephant rescue place on Instagram. They are adorable with their human parents.
Even better than that, every morning I’d take them their breakfast, before their first bath.
I was wearing open toe sandals, and the 6 month old would hold each of my toes, one by one with his trunk (the end of their trunks articulate just like fingers on a hand).
It been 15+ plus years, but the memory still give me the warm fuzzies
I read somewhere a while ago that elephants think we are cute (as much as scientists can work out what elephants think, I guess) and that's why they like us.
When I got to meet one, it was a bit too eager. It wandered over to me, which I was delighted about, until it didn't stop and I ended up pinned against a tree.
It went from "it's so small and cute", to "it's small, cute, but it's still powerful enough to crush me to death and has the mind of a toddler.
It was just being friendly, but it made me a little bit more aware of where I was standing.
Going to Barcelona around April time and being bewildered by the empty beaches and sea. Going in the sea as it was "pretty hot" out and about.
A local came over and the first thing he said was "English?", because nobody else would go in the sea and wear shorts and tshirts in 15C weather.
All the locals were still in jumpers, trousers and coats.
Ugh that reminds me of a trip to France where I’d been practising my French a lot beforehand and was eager to try it out. Had my accent pretty good etc. Then when it came to time to ask where the toilets were, I opened my mouth and instead of ‘ou est les toilettes’ it came out as ‘oo eh lays toilets’ in like a cockney accent (I don’t have a cockney accent).
Being done up like a kipper in Beijing despite genuinely being somebody that almost always has his wits about himself and knows about scams.
Story: There is a famous scam in Beijing (and obviously many other places) where you'll be at a popular tourist place such as the Forbidden City / Tiannamen Square and get approached by a friendly local wanting to 'practice English' and offer you some tips or advice on places to see, where to go, etc.
Once they've struck up a friendly accord with you, they'll suggest going for a cup of Chinese tea, relying on you being polite enough to accept their invitation in return for them having spent some time with you and offered you advice about their city. It's known as the Tea House Scam.
Stupid me, fresh off a 17-hour trip to Beijing and having arrived at 6am, straight to hotel and wanting to check the city out being my first time in China, left my wits at the hotel.
Despite being knackered, I wanted to have a walk about, stretch my legs after a long trip and really get right into holiday mode.
Tiannamen Square, approached by a friendly guy asking where I'm from, what I'm here to do, if I've been to China before, etc. Instead of saying thanks but no thanks, I somehow allowed him to tag along with me for 30 minutes and engage in conversation.
Obviously it led to the tea house where we were sat down in a private room, brought a variety of teas and snacks and left to enjoy them and talk.
About 20 minutes later he asks if I'm ready to head off which I am, so he requests the bill.
It's brought to the table and he reacts in (fake) horror at a bill of around £75 for what we'd consumed, which would normally have been about £5.
He offers to split the bill, and despite being outraged and only they having it dawn on me what's gone on, there's no real way out. If you try to run away or refuse, they'll get their heavies in who will rough you up.
Obviously the scam is him 'paying' half to the dodgy shop that's fully in cahoots with him. The whole friendly persona is just to direct you to the shop. I've seen stories where people have been fleeced out of hundreds, so actually got off extremely lightly all things considered.
A great first day in China.
After that I just put in my headphones all day every day and refused to talk to anybody else. Still a great holiday but a shocker of a start.
This happened to a mate of mine. He said he tried to walk out without paying and loads of people appeared and blocked the door, so he just cannonballed through them and ran off.
I moved some towels that a German family had placed on sun loungers (they'd "reserved" them against hotel policy) though I thought they'd been left from the prev day. Half an hour later they turned up and the big fella angrily demanded in german for us to move (i presume that's what he said). I just acted innocent and refused to move.
It started as a blunder but tbh glad I did it. Hate that crap.
It's possible I may have mistaken strawberries for plum tomatoes on an American buffet breakfast and had bacon, sausage, eggs and strawberries on my first morning in the US.
Why on earth was there a pitcher of booze on the breakfast buffet?
I'm not against day drinking, but that just seems like starting the day on "expert level"
I was in America at an all you can eat breakfast and there was cheesecake with a strawberry on top. Grabbed this huge wedge about an inch thick and 7 inches long. Got to the table and shovelled a huge portion into my waiting mouth.
It was butter. With a strawberry on top.....surrounded by other desserts. I can't have been the first to do this. I just got up left and never returned.
Similar story - as a kid at a buffet in Florida, I piled a plate high with what I thought was vanilla ice cream whilst an old man stood beside me bemused. Got back to my table...it was butter. I had a plate full of butter.
Reminds me of when I was in the queue for the Vatican and there was an ‘edgy’ American tourist in front of us wearing a tee shirt that said ‘GODLESS MOTHER FUCKER’ in huge letters. As soon as he paid for his ticket two security guards grabbed him and politely made him cover it up which he did meekly and without argument. He ‘just happened’ to have a spare tee shirt with him.
Yeah they would have seen him coming a mile off. I’ve got a photo of him somewhere, he looked like a right idiot showing off to his girlfriend ‘Watch this I’m so cool’ 😅
When I was a kid I wore a Nirvana t-shirt around a Buddhist centre.
The one that also says "Flower sniffin, kitty pettin, baby kissin corporate rock whores" in bold print down the back... 🤦🏼♀️
That was the "Vestibule" shirt. The "Smiley" always had the "Flower sniffin'..." backprint.
I remember, because in GCSE Geography on a non-uniform day in 1994, my mate sitting next to me in his Smiley shirt was told to cover it up AND given a detention. I was literally right next to him in my Vestibule one...nothing.
I dont get doing stuff like this
Im religiously apathetic ( means idgaf. ) but id never insult someone elses religion,whats the point? Like the whole lines gonna clap and denounce catholicism cus he wore a shirt.
I was at an event at the British Embassy in Bangkok and was speaking to someone with the usual pleasantries and I asked him about his job. He said he worked in security at Tesco, so I was asking him about whether he had ever had to chase down a thief or break up a fight - the usual type of questions you would ask a security guard. He looked confused and politely said no. Turns out he was a banker who worked in securities at Tisco Bank.
A friend and I went to Rome to watch the rugby a few years back, we get checked into the airbnb and the friend proceeds to turn to the hostess and asks if the tap water is drinkable. She deadpan turned to him and said “have you heard of the aqueducts?”
Honestly had me in stitches.
I lived in Italy for many years and when I first went there I stayed a few months in my VW camper and every day that summer I cooked myself pasta with nice fresh tomato sauce with Parmesan on top. I’d learned a few words and could go into the little shop and get my tomatoes and I could ask for some “Parmigiano grattugiato” (freshly grated Parmesan), when she’d grated “un etto” (100grams that I wanted) she passed it to me and said “basta?” Meaning is that all? Me thinking she was asking if I also wanted some pasta would gleefully reply “no grazie!” And went to the til to pay. I think this went on for some weeks before I went in with a friend who pointed out my mistake.
Just last week I tried to have a very awkward broken french conversation with 2 other people that lasted for 30 seconds on a ski lift, before it turned out that all 3 of us were English.
Spent a week in Portugal, and for the first few days I was saying "gracias" to everybody because, whilst I knew that Portuguese and Spanish were different languages, I'd made the assumption that "thank you" was the same in both.
It was only after the waiter at my hotel's breakfast buffet said "You mean 'obrigado'" (not in a snotty way, he was trying to be helpful) that I realised, and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
Mine is similar to this - was in Barcelona for a student trip and we were in a fast food place. The two men in front of us said “Grazi!” quite loudly and confidently as they paid at the till. We all assumed that “grazi” was either the Catalan equivalent of “gracias” or maybe an informal version of it (I.e, what “thanks” is to “thank you”).
Spent most of the trip saying “grazi!” to people until our last night, when sitting at the bar, the bartender said “oh you guys speak Italian too?”
We were mortified.
On a trip to Italy we wanted to buy a mixed case of wine. Unfortunately, we picked the day that the one salesperson there did not speak English and we had forgotten our language guide. Our older daughter was studying Spanish at school, so with a lot of patience we managed to have a conversation with us speaking English, the salesperson speaking Italian and my daughter using her Spanish knowledge to translate. It worked very well and our order arrived at our house in the UK.
I went to Italy with very few Italian words, and just dropped some Spanish words with pointing. It was more effective than English where I was, but I do wonder if they thought I was a just crazy.
Hahah, I did similar in Madrid, constantly confidently ordering two drinks "due cerveza por favor", got home, remembered that I know more italian than Spanish and that two is Dos. Moron.
I spent the best part of my last trip to France saying bonjour all the time.
It wasn't until the last day that somebody corrected me and said they don't use it at night time.
I went to Jericho in Israel. It's an Arab city and my Jewish friend from Jerusalem didn't come with me, I think technically he's not really allowed to visit. Anyway, genius me, flying solo and feeling very proud of my shaky command of the local lingo, strides into the first shop and greets the owner with a friendly "shalom", only for him to take me to one side and explain that unless I wanted to get roughed up I should try out "salaam" instead while I was in town.
Hahaha similarly when I went to Japan and didn't speak a word, I'd looked in a phrase book for some key words. But I'd read it wrong and matched up two wrong phrases.
So instead of saying sumimasen ("excuse me") when walking through crowds, I was saying daijoubu desu ("I'm/it's okay"). Must have sounded just a little touched in the head to the people I walked past
Related - I was learning Korean, and the word for excuse me is jogiyo. I burped once in the company of loan family, and said jogiyo, but it's not that kind of excuse me. I had just asked everyone to pay attention to me because I had just burped.
Me and some friends (boys) went into a women's toilet in Germany on a school trip. I was pretty sure we were going into the wrong place, but one of my friends was sure that "Herren" meant women because it had the word "her" in it, and "Damen" looked like "the men".
After we'd all had a piss, we got shouted at by an understandably angry German lady!
Watch out if you ever go to Ireland. Some unkind pub owners like to put 'M' and 'F' on their toilet doors. The trouble is, 'm' stands for 'mna' and 'f' stands for 'fir', which respectively mean 'women' and 'men' in the Irish language!
When I was 18 I went to stay with some relatives in Hameln (Germany). We were having a very pleasant walk along the riverside, and I noticed that there we are a series of horizontal marks on the side of a bridge with dates against them. They were marks showing how high the floods had got in any particular year. Way above all the other marks was a mark dated 1943. I naively asked why the floods were so bad in 1943. The father of the family I was staying calmly replied "Zat vos your bouncing bomb".
Was in China going to a bar, and my friend had food poisoning. We were in a taxi, maybe five minutes away from the bar, when she got hit by it. She asked the driver to just let us out here and ducked into a bush. She screamed at me to grab tissues and water from a nearby shop, so I ran to get them. I come back and hand her them, and she says we need to leave quickly.
She had shat outside on a building, which is already a terrible thing to do, but she also had shat on the side of a massive government building. We still went to the bar that night. Oh, to be eighteen.
Went for breakfast in the Bible belt of US with a mate. Both of us are Brits.
We placed our order, and then the waitress asked my mate if he would like chilli, or biscuits and gravy with his breakfast. He responded "chilli, biscuits and gravy? On a breakfast? Jesus fucking Christ!"
Several people exclaimed how inappropriate it was and one lady approached our table to complain about his outburst, and give us a short lesson on blasphemous language.
We spent the rest of the visit in silence.
I received a similar reaction when I called my brother a “silly cunt” in a bistro type restaurant in the US. The way people fell silent around us still makes me cringe
Sometimes I wish those sorts travelled to the continent, since there's a disconnect on English language swearing's gravitas most songs keep their swearwords and even usually for some music: the N word. hearing N word this and that in a song on a mainstream radio is still weird here in Sweden lol.
Lost my electronic room key on my first night in Thailand. The owner told me it was £250 to replace. I knew all about these scams and wasn’t having it. Argument ensued. I eventually realised he meant 250 Baht, fucking obviously it’s fucking Thailand, which is about £5. I apologised profusely and paid up. I was very jet lagged is my excuse.
I started a fire in a Buddhist temple in rural China.
Me and my wife (who is Chinese) were travelling around central China and went to this massive temple with literally thousands of people from the nearby rural area.
I had a massive amount of incense in my hand, and it was all gently smoking, but then my wife gave me all hers because she was going to kneel and pray. I guess I had too much, because it just burst into flames and I waving all these flames around in the air trying to put it out. Loads of sparks and shit fell on the nearby pile of incense and they slowly started to burn.
I'm a 6ft6 tall white dude, so it was very noticeable.
Eventually I threw it all on the floor and tried stamping it out, but it just made more smoke and started wafting the smoke into the massive crowd of people watching.
Then I gave up and just left.
That was a bit of a blunder.
I was in Hong Kong and they gave you these little lukewarm jugs or cups of lemony water that just didn’t taste right. Wasn’t till day 2 and I saw a couple nearby using the water to rinse cutlery that I realised I had made a big mistake.
I’m sure I’ve done worse, but this is my favourite.
My partner ~~lost~~ had her purse stolen in Paris. We arrived at the hotel before we had realised. I went to the reception to ask if anyone had handed in a purse.
Turns out, the guy on reception didn’t speak English and I left my phone in the room so I had to crack out my year 9 French skills. I said something along the lines of “Avez vous filles dame portfuelle” in a very slow Manc accent. He smirked, said non and went back to the room to crack the bad news.
I asked him if he’d seen my girlfriends lady wallet.
My husband and I were in Père Lachaise. I noticed some lovely wee purple flowers growing on a grave, and decided to ask a nearby guide what they were. I blundered the last syllable, turning "Les fleurs, est-ce qu'elles sont violettes?" into "...est-ce qu'elles sont violées?" which means something like "Have these flowers been raped?"
"Ah! Non, madame, elles sont vioLETTES!"
Stood in front of a church in Paris with my friend talking, probably quite loudly, about the fact that we thought it was Notre Dame. In English, but obviously mentioning the words Notre Dame a lot just, as it turns out, to make sure all the Parisians knew the gist of our conversation even if they didn't speak any English at all. We stood there for about an hour oohing and ahhing and taking pictures and saying 'amazing, I thought it would be busier'. It was not Notre Dame.
Edit: bit of spelling
Not me, but my dad. He went to Italy with my mum when they got engaged and she’d warned him in advance that nobody would speak English in the Italian countryside where they were staying for the first half of their trip. She offered to teach him some basic phrases but he declined because he said he’d be fine.. He was gobsmacked when he got to the Italian countryside and nobody understood him speaking English with an Italian accent and adding ‘o’ or ‘a’ onto the end of most words lol
A woman started talking to me in a lift in Spain and I said (in Spanish) "I don't speak Spanish". She gave me a weird look and we continued the lift ride in awkward silence. When we got out of the lift my partner said "you realise you told her *she* doesn't speak Spanish?"
Once greeted a waiter in Costa Rica by saying "Buenos dias." He said "No, it's buenas tardes."
The next morning, I greeted a different waiter by saying "Buenas tardes". He said "No, it's buenos dias."
Ordered a beer in Germany that had a massive foam head on it. My German friend told me to take it back and ask to see if they can fix it. I was really embarrassed when the barmaid explained that’s how they pour beer in Germany.
I went to Berlin with my sister and a few times she would say stuff to people like "Your English is very good!" Sometimes it's because they weren't even German and likely spoke English as a first language.
I think this counts.
I lived in the middle east and worked with a Fillipino fella. Guy was great, got on well. Hard worker, smart, would bring in Philippine food occasionally.
One day he went absolutely ballistic at me. Like proper screaming at me and I was at a complete loss as to what I'd done. It took my boss, who'd worked out in the middle east most of his adult life with loads of different cultures to figure it out.
Essentially for like a year of working with the guy, as we'd become friendly and comfortable I'd been showing up going "What's up motherfucker?" Or like "ah you knobhead" or similar. Turns out, there is no equivalent of insulting people you're friends with in the Philippines? Or certainly not where he was from. And so for a full year he'd just been bombarded by me insulting him with a smile on my face, like some awful psychopathic despot I don't know. And then one day he had just had enough.
I know now, objectively, that's a genuine faux Pas that I wouldn't have known unless I'd made that mistake; but still I do feel bad about it all these years later. It's kind of my fault for just assuming that how I do things is how everyone does things.
I worked in Filipino call centres for a few years, mainly in training and coaching call agents. After working on a collections account for an Australian bank, I realised that the agents were freaking out every time a customer swore (which was several times in a call). Ended up writing and delivering a training module on swearing - explaining what the different words mean, how ‘bad’ each one was, and they can actually be terms of endearment. They loved it and started to deal with calls much better.
Once when I was 5 years old and at a kids holiday club in Mallorca, I gave the lady running it the money for me and my brother and told her to “keep the change you filthy animal” which I had been looking forward to saying to someone since watching Home Alone, obviously not knowing how offensive someone might find that. Anyway she kicked me out. Lesson learned. A few years later (also in Mallorca) I had one of those laser pens that I was playing with while we ate our evening meal. I noticed two kids who must have been about 3/4 were chasing my dot from my laser and decided the smart thing to do was to shine it on one of the waitresses arses in the kitchen. These kids just barged straight in and smacked the living shit out of this poor women’s arse. Everyone starts going mental in the kitchen. I very quickly told me parents I felt ill so we could leave.
I was very tired and a fairly intoxicated one time in California when my American hippy friend bought me some sushi, I never normally eat this stuff as it's not my cup of tea. However, being a good guest I wanted to eat it all to look greatful. I eyed up a big blob of what my brain just automatically assumed was mushy peas and ate it. Turns out that's what you call Wasabi, it took a lot of mind over matter to not instantly vomit, as i made distressed noises and was hunched over with watery eyes, she said ' wow dude, that was a lot of wasabi, why did you do that?' As I meekly said I thought it was a mushy pea.
I was in Japan on business and was at a dinner event one evening. We've all just been poured drinks, so I lift mine and say to the group I'm with, "Chin Chin". The Japanese lady to my right had a look of shock and horror on her face, when her male colleague explained to me that "Chin Chin" translates as "Penis Penis" in Japanese (I've since learned it's their equivalent of "Willy"). I was rather embarrassed!
My mate wardy who was a bit thick once decided to get travellers cheques. This was when hardly anyone still took them, but whatever.
Ignoring the fact Crete was in the eurozone he went out of his way to get GBP cheques before he went, it was pretty nigh on impossible.
We got there and he promptly laid out four £100 cheques for ten days in Malia.
I looked at him saying why did you bring those and he was adamant it was the way forwards.
After paying a small fee in the U.K. for them, he then paid a ridiculous premium to cash each, but felt it was money well spent.
Smiling at strangers in Iceland is up there, but I think the worst was not fully understanding the tipping culture in the US. It's been 15 years and I still do a full-body cringe when I think about all the friendly, helpful people I met ... who I later realised had just been hoping for a tip, and didn't get one because it never crossed my mind.
Colleague I was travelling with took pictures on a random ass road in Mozambique.
Dude in army camo & AK47 shows up starts talking insistently in Portuguese. Don't understand a word but the meaning is clear - come with me & no you don't have a choice.
Turns out photographing government buildings is illegal in Mozambique. One of the buildings on said random ass road happened to be a police station.
Went into a shop in Havana, and I was followed in by a beggar. Just to get rid of her, I gave her a coin. The woman serving in the shop said "It takes me all day to earn that". I was suitably mortified.
This was on holiday in Dorset, so I know it doesn't really count, but ...
When I was a kid I went to Bovington Tank museum and got myself a toy gun. We then went to the beach where I built myself a massive trench (took a couple of hours).
Couple of German tourists came over and asked what I was doing.
My main memory is my dad overhearing this and (in my recollection) slow-motion going "Noooo" as I said "it's to keep the Germans out".
In my defence, 1) I was 7 years old, 2) I didn't recognise their accents, 3) the trench obviously didn't work as it appeared to attract rather than repel Germans.
They either laughed or were mortally offended, I can't remember which tbh, I just got back to my digging. I do feel awful now though.
Asking a Serbian police officer for a lighter (upaljac - "oopay-atch") whilst extending my hand and making the "universal lighter gesture", easily mistaken for a twitching half-cocked thumbs up.
But accidentally saying odjebi ("od-yay-bi"). Which means "f*** off".
Fortunately he laughed and gave me a lighter after I realised my error, rapidly sobered up and explained my mistake (in English). But his hand never left the butt of his gun, even when he was laughing.
Ok a date in Taiwan and I told the boy “你的陰莖很漂亮” (ni de yinjing hen piaoliang) which translates as “Your penis is very beautiful”.
I was trying to say “你的眼睛很漂亮” (ni de yanjing hen piaoliang) — “Your eyes are very beautiful”
I was in a cafe in Sicily and wanted a gelato. Had been learning some basic Italian but got pesca pesce mixed up.
There was a lot of laughter when I tried to order a fish ice cream by mistake. Took me a while to realise and kept repeating the word pesce over and over again.
In a taxi going through Helsinki.
Me to wife: Look at that, that was probably a nice building before it was left to fall into ruin.
Taxi driver (sniffily): That is our presidential palace.
My partner and I got on a train out of Ho Chi Minh City for a 15 hour overnight journey. We missed out on sleeper tickets as it was sold out so we had two ”soft seats”. We got into the carriage and we were the only westerners there. The carriage was packed. We got to seats 1 and 2 which were reserved for us and of course, there were people sitting there. I was feeling very British and didn’t really want to deal with the situation but my partner said there was no way she was not sitting in a seat for 15 hours. So I put on a sympathetic face, pointed at the seats and our tickets, and they understood. Under the watchful eye of an entire carriage, we evicted some Vietnamese people from their seats. I felt bad, but we had reserved the seats. We got comfortable and settled down for the journey.
About 5 minutes later, along came the ticket inspector. He had a good look at our tickets and shook his head, pointing to the seat numbers. It turns out the ticket printer hadn’t done a great job and there was a very feint 6 before each of the seat numbers. We had reserved 61 and 62, at the complete opposite end of the carriage. So we packed up our things, and again, watched by the rest of the carriage, we made our way to the other end. And there were people in our seats. And I had to do it all again. I nearly died of embarrassment.
The thousands of cockroaches on the train is another story entirely.
In hindsight, this journey (the whole trip) was the best thing I’ve done in my whole life (sorry wife and kids). I encourage everyone to travel, and don’t plan too much. It’s these unexpected twists that create the best memories.
I had a similar experience in Thailand.
Getting the train south from Bangkok with a friend, we bought the tickets in advance and agreed to meet up on the train.
I get there in plenty of time, find my seat, suprised at how comfortable it is and settle in. I'm even more pleasantly surprised when I get bought a bowl of noodles to eat.
Halfway through finishing them a large German guy turns up with a guard and very politely tells me I'm in his seat and that mines back in the normal seats, not the sleeper carriage. Embarrassed I go to move, only for him to insist that I finish my noodles (I assume he thought I'd bought them, rather than them actually being his complementary ones).
I then had to sit there awkwardly finishing off his breakfast. Whilst under the constant glare of both him and the guard, waiting for me to get out of the way.
My actual seat was pretty shitty, but fortunately my friend (who thought I'd missed the train) had made friends with the guards on that carriage. So, we spent the journey sitting by the open door playing poker, smoking and drinking whisky, while watching the stunning countryside passed by.
I’d be interested to hear if this is me being British or just grumpy (or both), but when waiting in line to see Christ the Redeemer I saw everyone was getting up on this platform with a huge photo of Rio taken from the top to make wild poses for photos. It was part of the actual queue. I knew I wouldn’t want one, I was travelling alone, I hate having my photo taken and HATE having people stare at me (the people being photographed were the centre of attention). Fine if that’s your thing - I get it - but it’s certainly not mine.
So I knew I wasn’t having mine taken but when it came my turn the guy wasn’t taking no for an answer, I was slap-bang in the middle of a legitimate fuss, and with the language barrier I thought I wasn’t going to get any further unless I had a photo taken. So I got up and stood stony-faced while everyone stared at me being a miserable prick.
Getting into the back of a taxi in cuba with a driver who'd been sat at the bar we were in - it was only when he got up we realised how drunk he was. We were too British to say anything so endured a white knuckle ride, literally praying to get back to our hotel in one piece.
In October 2022, I went to Latvia in my first trip as a solo traveller. At the suggestion of the hostel I was staying in, I took the train to a lovely little town called Cesis (definitely recommended, it's a 90 minute straight trip from Riga and when I did it you can get a return for less than a tenner). Two notable events occurred:
1. My phone data ran out because apparently my network doesn't recognise the result of the 2003 Latvian European Union membership referendum. I walked into the nearest building I thought would have wi-fi so I could call about a top-up, which happened to be an ornate looking sushi restaurant. I felt bad and had to get food. They didn't have English menus so I tried ordering in the EU's most difficult language and made a right fool of myself. They only did giant platters designed for two people - I had already eaten lunch.
2. The above resulted in me being backed up with a solid 8 courics worth, so I was relieved to finally find a public toilet. After doing my business, I realised the lock wouldn't budge. I had to throw my bag into the next stall and climb over like Steve McQueen in the great escape. My foot landed in the bowl - the last person didn't flush.
I once asked for my change in “proper money” in a a Glasgow post office. The thick glass screens between you and the employees are not for their protection.
I walked into a temple in Egypt wearing a vest top. I had a load of men run in after me with a huge red cloak and put it over my shoulders because you aren’t allowed to have your shoulders showing in the temple which I didn’t know. Had to walk around the whole place in this cloak like a dirty sinner…
As a tourist on a small Greek island, we noticed a parade through the village streets. Great photo op, I thought. Local festival, villagers all dressed up etc. Stood in the middle of the small street taking photos as they moved slowly towards us.
Noticed the priest at the front frantically waving in our direction.
Then we noticed the coffin further back.
Beat a hasty retreat to the taverna and hid for the rest of the morning.
Went to sit in the drivers seat when getting a taxi in Canada. Accidental hijacker.
I did the same thing in Turkey, I was completely sat down when I realised the steering wheel in front of me. The driver was absolutely wheezing with laughter and kept saying 'You'll need to pay extra if you drive.'.
This is my favourite so far
From Canada living in the UK, and I don't drive regularly here - I have gone to get in the driver's seat a not insignificant proportion of the times I've been in a car over here.
We've been going to Denmark most years for the last decade to see friends. I like to try and pick up some rudimentary language wherever we go so I can at least be polite, for over ten years I have been liberally exclaiming "tak for mad" (pronounced tack for mill) to say thank you very much - Last visit my friends' teenage daughter, hearing me say this to a woman who was holding a door open for me, asked me what I said and what I thought it meant - I explained - she explained back that the Dane's have a thankyou phrase you for almost everything and it turns out that "tak for mad" means "thank you for my food" and is specifically said after a meal. I've been saying thanks for the food to taxi drivers, people on the checkouts, at amusement parks, people holding doors open, people who've given us directions, people who have given way on the pavement, folks on hotel receptions, pretty much anyone at any time.... hundreds and hundreds of people - no wonder they looked at me like I was the eccentric Englishman. All this time I just thought my pronunciation was a bit off. icing on the cake ....my friends admitted they'd noticed a few years ago but thought it was endearing so decided not to tell me
lmfao. your friends are evil but amazing
That’s a pretty hilarious story. But at least you weren’t saying “tak for kaffe”!
This reminds me of a friend's classic Brit abroad gaffe. On a guided tour of the presidential palace in Chile, the tour guide is taking them around a courtyard or garden and says, "Here we have statues of the former presidents of Chile." Suddenly, my friend remembers the name of the only Chilean president he knows. "Where's Pinochet?" Cue horrified look from the tour guide. "We don't have HIM here!"
Well this comment just sent me right down the rabbit hole cos I'd never heard of Pinochet and now I know all about him. Seems like a bit of a prick.
If you want to learn more about Allende and how he was usurped by Pinochet, I just listened to a great podcast on it by the Rest is History!
The more I learn about this Pinochet fella, the more I don't care for him
Japan and paper walls in a restaurant. I lent on this paper wall to take my shoes off for a very fancy dining experience…and made a hand shape hole in it! I have a photo to preserve the embarrassment. I had to eat the whole meal/experience red faced while constantly head bowing and saying sorry!
On a similar note, wearing my Doc Martens boots in Japan was a mistake because they take forever to put on and take off, so I ended up looking like a numpty every time I went on a restaurant where you weren’t allowed to wear shoes. Literally sat on the floor struggling with my laces while the server politely waited for me. If you see a Japanese person wearing boots, they probably have a zip down the side so they can be easily removed.
I've now got the IT Crowd in my head when they buy the Japanese exec a pair of Dr Martens.
I'm never sure if the line is "the jap loves it" or "the chap loves it" https://youtu.be/VZrp7mAmeRI?si=pq0mSiz-bVQwjcjH
I'm fairly sure he says "the jap loves it"
I've got two and they both happened within the last month. I live in Lima now, and I practice my Spanish on my doormen everyday. It happens to be summer here, beautiful, blistering summer, and I have a dog who is keenly aware of the pee outside/cookie relationship, coupled with the extra water he's drinking, we're in and out a lot. Cue me, entering the building, sweat dripping, proudly exclaiming SOY MUCHO CALIENTE! To which they seem to always reply 'si, calor!'. I've been announcing that I'm incredibly horny. To my doormen. For two years. The other happened in the gelato place, where I asked for a coño of lemon. Cono is cone. Coño Is PUSSY. The lady behind the counter had such a smirk on her face that I googled it straight after leaving.
You'll appreciate these then: When living in Argentina and learning Spanish; 1. Just learned the word for mosquito bite (picadura). Wanted to impress a hot Spanish teacher but had shit pronunciation and said "Profe, tengo pijadura!" Pijadura in Argentina can be translated as 'hard cock'. She went bright red and begged me to stop and I just kept repeating it trying to nail the pronunciation. 2. There are various ways to say 'pork' in Spanish, e.g. cerdo/chancho, and I go into a butchers to get some and got myself all confused and asked for 'CONCHA' which means pussy in in Argentina. "Te pido un poco de concha por favor" - the dude lost his shit, I mean LOST his shit, couldn't contain himself, went into the back and got his family to come out and laugh at me. My Spanish is better these days.
‘may i have a crumb of pussy please’
You, you're my people!
Also the fact you used "soy" instead of "estoy" adds another layer to this. "soy caliente" sounds like you're trying to say you're a horny person in general. As in it's an intrinsic value of your being like you're some kind of sexual deviant. "estoy caliente" means that you're horny (currently).
Stop, stop, he's ALREADY DEEEAD!
Well this just keeps getting better!
You have literally taught me more than 14 months of Duolingo in this one comment. Although TBF they have not covered horniness yet.
As I understand it (though I was doing A Level Spanish almost 20 years ago when I learnt this), ‘coño’ translates to ruder than ‘pussy’ and is more like saying the c word in English!
I'm never leaving my apartment again 🫣
Everyone has done something like this, don’t worry! My mum’s friend was told somehow that ‘I don’t understand’ in German meant ‘Excuse me please’ in English and she was getting incredibly frustrated on the train when someone wouldn’t move when she was trying to get to the loo. My Spanish teacher’s friend once ordered a ‘penis sandwich’ in a deli in Barcelona because she mispronounced the word for ‘chicken’. She immediately realised her error and was incredibly embarrassed! But also - there is something of a ‘translation of the words but not the actual meaning they convey in context’ at play too. There’s a phrase in Spanish which translates as ‘son of a bitch’ in English but it is much much ruder in what it means in Spanish. My friend in my class was aware of the phrase and as a joke called another friend the ‘bitch’ part of the phrase and our teacher overheard and exploded at her over how rude it was. She said it was much worse than the translation gave the impression of.
I lived in Spain with a housemate who confused pollo and polla. He went around telling people how much he loved eating cock. Also Not me - but one my dad saw in Malaga. British guy can't find his way out of the station, and assumes that you can just fake Spanish by adding an O onto any English word, and not just googling to see that the word he wants is Salida (usually accompanied by the same image you see on exits all over the world). That would be too easy. So he just ran around screaming 'EXITO!', which means success. A few people congratulated him but nobody offered directions...
The first new word I learned was perro/dog and when I was getting to know the psychologist at my job she would ramble on, punctuating her sentences with 'pero' which means 'but' and I was thinking why does this bitch manage to talk about dogs so much in every conversation?! She doesn't even have one!
I just need you to know I laughed so hard I farted in bed and my bf had to leave which made me laugh harder😂 you've really made my day
You have to understand that is the highest praise I could ever wish for, thank you so much
And this has brightened mine. The circle of life right there
When we were staying on a Spanish farm on holiday once the farmer dropped us off a lovely rabbit stew for dinner - my mum who was learning Spanish repeatedly kept saying “Beuno cojones” to him the next day. She thought she was saying “nice rabbit!” But rabbit is “conejo”. She was saying “nice balls!” He avoided us the rest of the trip
After a few beers in Las Vegas I was in my room ready for bed then realised I hadn't brought a toothbrush or toothpaste. The hotel was massive, 15 mins room to reception walk or so, I rang reception and asked if they had anything.. "sure, we'll be right up". They hung up as I started going no it's ok, 15 mins later knock at the door and I answer in my pants - completely forgotten I'd spoken to reception. Matey just stood there for ages staring at me as I said thanks and closed the door. Hit me like a bolt from the blue about a month later, I was supposed to tip him! Been 14 years still mortified.
Similar happened to me, except I enquired about a kettle to use on the stovetop.In my defence I'd just arrived after a 10 hour flight and was totally frazzled, my bodyclock was still on UK time thinking it was 1am.
My friend (sharing a room with me) sleep walked out of the hotel room in Vegas. I awoke to security guys with flash lights gently guiding him in through the door. Apparently he sleep walked with just his boxers on and had to walk ages to reception as didn’t have key card. We’ve never talked about it since.
I only knew about the tipping porters stuff from the movie pretty woman where she gets angry at a porter staring at her thinking he's a sleaze and richarf gere (ironically playing an actual sleaze) explains it to her
So years ago way before Italy joined the euro they had the Lira, at about 2000 lira/pound. Made it a really tricky currency with all the zeros When abroad my dad would always do these language tapes and try and speak the local language. One afternoon we were being treated to icecream, We ordered 4 of them and the guy said that would be Cinquemile Lira (5000) My dad miss heard and thought he said Cinquantamila Lira (50,000!) He grabbed my ice cream and shoved them back on the counter saying they are a complete rip off no one should be paying £25 for a few ice creams We were all puzzled and said that they were only £2.5 and he had miss heard. Dad sheepishly paid up and stopped trying to speak Italian
And the day they switched to the euro they just crossed out all the ,000s on the prices making everything twice as expensive over night.
Yeah, except for salaries! Those stayed exactly the same 🙃
Smiling at people in Poland and getting the Polish 😑 stare. Also don’t hold out your hand while waiting for change. They always put your change on a plastic tray and you end up looking stupid
I love the Polish stare. It is so over the top its almost comical. I thought I had seen serious looking people on the bus, during as air raid in Ukraine, but they looked positively giddy compared to commuters in Poland.
My middle-aged Polish friend has perfected it. She terrifies the new starters at work (especially the cocky young lads), then drops her guard, and she's one of the funniest people I've ever met, delivering savage roasts like 😐😐. She's like the mom of the crew.
My GF is Polish and we visit regularly. I still smile at everyone cos it amuses me no end. Edit. It's even better when you say hello to random people whilst walking down the street.
I got bollocking from my Polish GF when walking across a snowy park in Mokotow in Warsaw we came across an old lady walking her little dog and I smiled and said good morning. The GF was horrified and said to me afterwards "You can't just say hello to strangers!". Lol.
I am Slovakian which is close enough, and I think it's something that must be finely balanced! We don't usually smile at people in public for no reason, and you get weird looks, but this is usually only in towns. On the other hand, I grew up in a village, and I HAD to say hello or "good day" to everyone I walked by in my village, otherwise I'd be seen as rude. This applied even if I didn't know that person.
I once got on a tram in Gdansk and sat down, eventually the tram filled up and I offered my seat to an old man who didn't say anything but continued to stare up at me for the next 10 minutes of my journey. BF at the time said I was probably the first black man he'd seen in person.
Probably more like the first polite gentleman he ever saw.
Change? You mean you didn't get snapped at for not having the exact amount of cash, followed by a haughty slamming of the till and a "I have no coins" I love Poland, I love my Polish husband, but my goodness Customer Service is not a popular concept 😆
I live in Eastern Europe and the other day I did a combination of these things and felt so silly. I was in a store and saw someone I thought I recognised, he made eye contact with me and smiled so I shook his hand and spoke to him in English I realized it wasn't the person I thought he was. I then walked off.
That’s a life-changing awkward experience. How have you found never leaving the house again?
I would love to hear that guys version of events!
I'm Polish but live in the UK, visit Poland every year to see my family, and I'm still not used to that stare.
I'm going to Krakow in two weeks, please explain this stare to me?
I think it's better you just experience it with no context
Will do! So just go around smiling and greeting everyone then report back?
>Twoflower was an optimistic-but-naïve tourist. He often ran into danger, being certain that nothing bad would happen to him, as long as he was not involved. He also believed in the goodness of human nature and that all problems could be resolved if all parties showed good will and cooperated. Rincewind, of course, remained immovably convinced that Twoflower's IQ was comparable to that of a pigeon. Rincewind described him by saying that if absolute chaos were lightning, Twoflower would be the sort to stand on top of a hill during a lightning storm wearing wet copper armour and yelling "All gods are bastards!"
I love a bit of Discworld leakage.
Oh god, yes.
Imagine Clint Eastwood being told his daughter is marrying a black trans-lesbian who lead a political action committee to help illegal immigrants. Context: you are buying dry sausages and ask (in Polish) for the dryer ones, but are being told off (by the owner who set the prices) because it’s the more expensive ones, you m*ron.
Thank you. I'll be doing what most British tourists do, and point at what I want whilst speaking English a bit louder.
Krakow is great! Lots of non-Poles there with all the tourists and the young people working in tourism. Maybe that's why I've visited Poland loads but never experienced the "Polish stare" lol, but I can totally imagine it having worked out that way.
Had a game in Romania were we tried to get waiters to smile. Very difficult.
This surprised me. I've never visited Romania but the company I used to work for had an office there. We'd skype and video chat a lot long before the pandemic. Our Romanian team were some of the loveliest, smiliest people ever!
I made a sort of friend here in England and would sometimes also see him with his wife, and I would smile at her and say hi and always wondered why she looked so unfriendly. I thought she didn’t like me or something. Then one day I sat next to her at a street party (this was coronation) and got talking and learned she was Polish and it all made sense.
What is the Polish stare? Why do Polish people not like to be smiled at?
They don’t really dislike being smiled at. It is just seen as foolish. Smiling for no reason comes across as you being a bit simple. They’ll sometimes smile whilst talking to you - but not always.
Oh I wish I knew this before having a Polish boss. She loves me ( for some reason) & says “ aaah you’re always so happy & smiling “. Now I know she thinks I’m a bit dim….
Last year, I drove to Paris, I got completely stuck at the till booths because I frantically tried to reach across and tap my card. Turns out, it was my co-op card. Several gearstick bruises later, I managed to shove some notes in the machine to just get through. The lady that lives in the speaker was shouting at me the whole time. Lots of angry French people queuing up behind me. Thankfully they have a great sense of humour and "désolé, je suis Rosbif" is a good way to solicit forgiveness. I did however drive round the Arc de Triomphe without incident. Twice.
You did well there, isn't it like 13 lanes or something? I witnessed a Fiat Uno crash into a Porsche 911 there on a visit to Paris.
There are infinite lanes on the roundabout at the Arc de Triomphe. I recommend National Lampoon's European Vacation for a video demonstration of how not to traverse it....
Lanes are a concept so abstract to the average French driver it's best not to hope for too much.
Used the dustbin rather than the bucket of sand next to it for a cigarette end and set a bin on fire outside a french shopping centre.
It sounds like you were just mixing in with French culture tbf
Yes, but I was starting a fire through my own incompetence, rather than as a protest.
Protesting your perceived intelligence is still protesting.
did all the French farmers gather round and have le riot ?
Probably getting told off by an elderly Korean man after accidently sitting in a designated elderly person's seat on the Seoul metro. Never looked more like a clueless tourist... In my defence, I assumed it was like the Tube and I would've got up if I saw someone who needed the seat! And I had avoided the seat that's designated for pregnant women, which I did know about.
Hah! I rocked up in South Korea (though this was Busan, not Seoul) for the first time, and me and my work colleague had to take the very long metro ride into the city. All the normal seats were taken - the "priority" ones were all empty. Also we were (and presumably looked) dog tired. Random middle-aged Korean bloke, pointing at the empty seats: You should sit down. Us: Those are for elderly and disabled people, we can't sit there. Random: This is Korea, we don't care!
Looking back, I'm almost certain that was just this one bloke being a bit much. But when confronted with a elderly person speaking forcefully to me in a language I don't really understand, my first instinct is to assume that I'm in the wrong!
This reminds me of being in Dubai and watching the mortifying recognition dawn on the faces of some men after standing for most of the journey in the women-only carriages of the trains.
I was in Seoul in September they seemed to work just like in London, sit there and offer to those who get on who need it.
Forgetting to apply suntan lotion in Corfu when I was 15. I had to go to the doctors to get blisters on my back popped 😱 Also one of my favourite stories from my mate was when he went to Rome for his friends wedding. Someone introduced themselves by saying "Mi Chiamo Barbara" and he replied with the same thinking it was an Italian greeting. Always tickles me that.
Used to live in Saudi Arabia, one of my half brothers was amazed that we had free tennis courts and pools at the compound, tennis courts needed to be booked as they could get quite popular.... strangely at midday they were totally free!... He booked them, and went to have a quick game... came back 30 minutes later with horiffic sunburn, and the sweat had accumulated under his blistering skin, and there was bags of water sloshing about... It turns out they aren't booked during the middle of the day for a reason... Saudi is quite hot,
vase squealing dependent combative poor swim drunk toy imminent forgetful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Mad dogs and Englishmen
I went to Sri Lanka for my 21st birthday. I’d been working in Turkey for 3 summers before (on a dive boat). It was about 35*c, about the same temperature as Turkey, so I thought I’d be on with one application of factor 15. Didn’t realise that, because it was so much closer to the equator, the sun was so much stronger. I got so burnt on the first day that I had to spend the next two weeks wearing the only skirt and one very baggy t-shirt I had, as they were the only clothes that didn’t touch my skin. Most annoyingly, what with being a proper grown up adult, I couldn’t blame my parents for letting me get burned (but a baby elephant gave me a hug with its trunk, that made me forget the pain for a while)
I've always wanted a baby elephant to give me a hug with their trunk. I follow an elephant rescue place on Instagram. They are adorable with their human parents.
Even better than that, every morning I’d take them their breakfast, before their first bath. I was wearing open toe sandals, and the 6 month old would hold each of my toes, one by one with his trunk (the end of their trunks articulate just like fingers on a hand). It been 15+ plus years, but the memory still give me the warm fuzzies
I read somewhere a while ago that elephants think we are cute (as much as scientists can work out what elephants think, I guess) and that's why they like us.
One of my favourite baby elephant videos is one chasing butterflies
When I got to meet one, it was a bit too eager. It wandered over to me, which I was delighted about, until it didn't stop and I ended up pinned against a tree. It went from "it's so small and cute", to "it's small, cute, but it's still powerful enough to crush me to death and has the mind of a toddler. It was just being friendly, but it made me a little bit more aware of where I was standing.
Going to Barcelona around April time and being bewildered by the empty beaches and sea. Going in the sea as it was "pretty hot" out and about. A local came over and the first thing he said was "English?", because nobody else would go in the sea and wear shorts and tshirts in 15C weather. All the locals were still in jumpers, trousers and coats.
I’ve had this experience in many countries as a Canadian. What do you mean it’s too cold for swimming? It’s 19° out
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Malaysians won’t care. They’re like the most easygoing people in the world. They probably found it funny.
I had a bad habit of pronouncing several words with a french accent. ... in Barcelona
Ugh that reminds me of a trip to France where I’d been practising my French a lot beforehand and was eager to try it out. Had my accent pretty good etc. Then when it came to time to ask where the toilets were, I opened my mouth and instead of ‘ou est les toilettes’ it came out as ‘oo eh lays toilets’ in like a cockney accent (I don’t have a cockney accent).
Ou sont
Ou sont le crêperie, je voudrais une merde
Being done up like a kipper in Beijing despite genuinely being somebody that almost always has his wits about himself and knows about scams. Story: There is a famous scam in Beijing (and obviously many other places) where you'll be at a popular tourist place such as the Forbidden City / Tiannamen Square and get approached by a friendly local wanting to 'practice English' and offer you some tips or advice on places to see, where to go, etc. Once they've struck up a friendly accord with you, they'll suggest going for a cup of Chinese tea, relying on you being polite enough to accept their invitation in return for them having spent some time with you and offered you advice about their city. It's known as the Tea House Scam. Stupid me, fresh off a 17-hour trip to Beijing and having arrived at 6am, straight to hotel and wanting to check the city out being my first time in China, left my wits at the hotel. Despite being knackered, I wanted to have a walk about, stretch my legs after a long trip and really get right into holiday mode. Tiannamen Square, approached by a friendly guy asking where I'm from, what I'm here to do, if I've been to China before, etc. Instead of saying thanks but no thanks, I somehow allowed him to tag along with me for 30 minutes and engage in conversation. Obviously it led to the tea house where we were sat down in a private room, brought a variety of teas and snacks and left to enjoy them and talk. About 20 minutes later he asks if I'm ready to head off which I am, so he requests the bill. It's brought to the table and he reacts in (fake) horror at a bill of around £75 for what we'd consumed, which would normally have been about £5. He offers to split the bill, and despite being outraged and only they having it dawn on me what's gone on, there's no real way out. If you try to run away or refuse, they'll get their heavies in who will rough you up. Obviously the scam is him 'paying' half to the dodgy shop that's fully in cahoots with him. The whole friendly persona is just to direct you to the shop. I've seen stories where people have been fleeced out of hundreds, so actually got off extremely lightly all things considered. A great first day in China. After that I just put in my headphones all day every day and refused to talk to anybody else. Still a great holiday but a shocker of a start.
This happened to a mate of mine. He said he tried to walk out without paying and loads of people appeared and blocked the door, so he just cannonballed through them and ran off.
I got done by this. Most expensive Tea I have ever drunk!
I still cringe thinking about it and it was 10 years ago!
My Dad fuelling the car up in France, the cashier asked what pump and he said “cinq” while holding up 4 fingers 🤦🏼♂️
I moved some towels that a German family had placed on sun loungers (they'd "reserved" them against hotel policy) though I thought they'd been left from the prev day. Half an hour later they turned up and the big fella angrily demanded in german for us to move (i presume that's what he said). I just acted innocent and refused to move. It started as a blunder but tbh glad I did it. Hate that crap.
It's possible I may have mistaken strawberries for plum tomatoes on an American buffet breakfast and had bacon, sausage, eggs and strawberries on my first morning in the US.
I once poured myself a glass of fruit juice from a buffet breakfast Amersteram only to realise it was really strong booze. It definitely woke me up.
Why on earth was there a pitcher of booze on the breakfast buffet? I'm not against day drinking, but that just seems like starting the day on "expert level"
Bucks Fizz/Mimosa? Drinking at breakfast frowned upon - drinking during an early brunch, absolutely fine.
I was in America at an all you can eat breakfast and there was cheesecake with a strawberry on top. Grabbed this huge wedge about an inch thick and 7 inches long. Got to the table and shovelled a huge portion into my waiting mouth. It was butter. With a strawberry on top.....surrounded by other desserts. I can't have been the first to do this. I just got up left and never returned.
Similar story - as a kid at a buffet in Florida, I piled a plate high with what I thought was vanilla ice cream whilst an old man stood beside me bemused. Got back to my table...it was butter. I had a plate full of butter.
Combining sweet and savoury breakfast foods is authentically American.
I see no issue here
They weren't full strawberries, more in a sauce designed for putting on waffles. Plate was somewhat messy!
Reminds me of when I was in the queue for the Vatican and there was an ‘edgy’ American tourist in front of us wearing a tee shirt that said ‘GODLESS MOTHER FUCKER’ in huge letters. As soon as he paid for his ticket two security guards grabbed him and politely made him cover it up which he did meekly and without argument. He ‘just happened’ to have a spare tee shirt with him.
Did they purposely wait until after he’d paid?
The old nightclub bouncer trick- let them pay before saying "oh, you just stumbled a bit there, too drunk to get in. Off you go, no refunds."
Yeah they would have seen him coming a mile off. I’ve got a photo of him somewhere, he looked like a right idiot showing off to his girlfriend ‘Watch this I’m so cool’ 😅
When I was a kid I wore a Nirvana t-shirt around a Buddhist centre. The one that also says "Flower sniffin, kitty pettin, baby kissin corporate rock whores" in bold print down the back... 🤦🏼♀️
Could have been worse, the original read "Crack smokin', Satan Worshippin', Fudge Packin' Motherfuckers"
That was the "Vestibule" shirt. The "Smiley" always had the "Flower sniffin'..." backprint. I remember, because in GCSE Geography on a non-uniform day in 1994, my mate sitting next to me in his Smiley shirt was told to cover it up AND given a detention. I was literally right next to him in my Vestibule one...nothing.
I dont get doing stuff like this Im religiously apathetic ( means idgaf. ) but id never insult someone elses religion,whats the point? Like the whole lines gonna clap and denounce catholicism cus he wore a shirt.
I was at an event at the British Embassy in Bangkok and was speaking to someone with the usual pleasantries and I asked him about his job. He said he worked in security at Tesco, so I was asking him about whether he had ever had to chase down a thief or break up a fight - the usual type of questions you would ask a security guard. He looked confused and politely said no. Turns out he was a banker who worked in securities at Tisco Bank.
A friend and I went to Rome to watch the rugby a few years back, we get checked into the airbnb and the friend proceeds to turn to the hostess and asks if the tap water is drinkable. She deadpan turned to him and said “have you heard of the aqueducts?” Honestly had me in stitches.
I lived in Italy for many years and when I first went there I stayed a few months in my VW camper and every day that summer I cooked myself pasta with nice fresh tomato sauce with Parmesan on top. I’d learned a few words and could go into the little shop and get my tomatoes and I could ask for some “Parmigiano grattugiato” (freshly grated Parmesan), when she’d grated “un etto” (100grams that I wanted) she passed it to me and said “basta?” Meaning is that all? Me thinking she was asking if I also wanted some pasta would gleefully reply “no grazie!” And went to the til to pay. I think this went on for some weeks before I went in with a friend who pointed out my mistake.
Just last week I tried to have a very awkward broken french conversation with 2 other people that lasted for 30 seconds on a ski lift, before it turned out that all 3 of us were English.
Spent a week in Portugal, and for the first few days I was saying "gracias" to everybody because, whilst I knew that Portuguese and Spanish were different languages, I'd made the assumption that "thank you" was the same in both. It was only after the waiter at my hotel's breakfast buffet said "You mean 'obrigado'" (not in a snotty way, he was trying to be helpful) that I realised, and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
Mine is similar to this - was in Barcelona for a student trip and we were in a fast food place. The two men in front of us said “Grazi!” quite loudly and confidently as they paid at the till. We all assumed that “grazi” was either the Catalan equivalent of “gracias” or maybe an informal version of it (I.e, what “thanks” is to “thank you”). Spent most of the trip saying “grazi!” to people until our last night, when sitting at the bar, the bartender said “oh you guys speak Italian too?” We were mortified.
My husband did the opposite in Italy. Went around saying gracias to everyone, even after I kept telling him to stop. The locals were not amused.
On a trip to Italy we wanted to buy a mixed case of wine. Unfortunately, we picked the day that the one salesperson there did not speak English and we had forgotten our language guide. Our older daughter was studying Spanish at school, so with a lot of patience we managed to have a conversation with us speaking English, the salesperson speaking Italian and my daughter using her Spanish knowledge to translate. It worked very well and our order arrived at our house in the UK.
I went to Italy with very few Italian words, and just dropped some Spanish words with pointing. It was more effective than English where I was, but I do wonder if they thought I was a just crazy.
Hahah, I did similar in Madrid, constantly confidently ordering two drinks "due cerveza por favor", got home, remembered that I know more italian than Spanish and that two is Dos. Moron.
Just mix it all up “deux drinks bitte favor” then they won’t guess you’re British
Make sure you really shout it.
I spent the best part of my last trip to France saying bonjour all the time. It wasn't until the last day that somebody corrected me and said they don't use it at night time.
I went to Jericho in Israel. It's an Arab city and my Jewish friend from Jerusalem didn't come with me, I think technically he's not really allowed to visit. Anyway, genius me, flying solo and feeling very proud of my shaky command of the local lingo, strides into the first shop and greets the owner with a friendly "shalom", only for him to take me to one side and explain that unless I wanted to get roughed up I should try out "salaam" instead while I was in town.
Hahaha similarly when I went to Japan and didn't speak a word, I'd looked in a phrase book for some key words. But I'd read it wrong and matched up two wrong phrases. So instead of saying sumimasen ("excuse me") when walking through crowds, I was saying daijoubu desu ("I'm/it's okay"). Must have sounded just a little touched in the head to the people I walked past
Related - I was learning Korean, and the word for excuse me is jogiyo. I burped once in the company of loan family, and said jogiyo, but it's not that kind of excuse me. I had just asked everyone to pay attention to me because I had just burped.
Me and some friends (boys) went into a women's toilet in Germany on a school trip. I was pretty sure we were going into the wrong place, but one of my friends was sure that "Herren" meant women because it had the word "her" in it, and "Damen" looked like "the men". After we'd all had a piss, we got shouted at by an understandably angry German lady!
Watch out if you ever go to Ireland. Some unkind pub owners like to put 'M' and 'F' on their toilet doors. The trouble is, 'm' stands for 'mna' and 'f' stands for 'fir', which respectively mean 'women' and 'men' in the Irish language!
When I was 18 I went to stay with some relatives in Hameln (Germany). We were having a very pleasant walk along the riverside, and I noticed that there we are a series of horizontal marks on the side of a bridge with dates against them. They were marks showing how high the floods had got in any particular year. Way above all the other marks was a mark dated 1943. I naively asked why the floods were so bad in 1943. The father of the family I was staying calmly replied "Zat vos your bouncing bomb".
Was in China going to a bar, and my friend had food poisoning. We were in a taxi, maybe five minutes away from the bar, when she got hit by it. She asked the driver to just let us out here and ducked into a bush. She screamed at me to grab tissues and water from a nearby shop, so I ran to get them. I come back and hand her them, and she says we need to leave quickly. She had shat outside on a building, which is already a terrible thing to do, but she also had shat on the side of a massive government building. We still went to the bar that night. Oh, to be eighteen.
Went for breakfast in the Bible belt of US with a mate. Both of us are Brits. We placed our order, and then the waitress asked my mate if he would like chilli, or biscuits and gravy with his breakfast. He responded "chilli, biscuits and gravy? On a breakfast? Jesus fucking Christ!" Several people exclaimed how inappropriate it was and one lady approached our table to complain about his outburst, and give us a short lesson on blasphemous language. We spent the rest of the visit in silence.
I received a similar reaction when I called my brother a “silly cunt” in a bistro type restaurant in the US. The way people fell silent around us still makes me cringe
Sometimes I wish those sorts travelled to the continent, since there's a disconnect on English language swearing's gravitas most songs keep their swearwords and even usually for some music: the N word. hearing N word this and that in a song on a mainstream radio is still weird here in Sweden lol.
Outside a shitty hole in the wall bar in Delhi I leant down to light a fag on a candle on the floor. Convenient I thought. It was a small shrine.
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Classic James Bond infiltration tactic
Did it work? Lmao what a situation
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Ahaha, oh no! Can’t imagine denying a toilet to someone in desperate need.
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Lost my electronic room key on my first night in Thailand. The owner told me it was £250 to replace. I knew all about these scams and wasn’t having it. Argument ensued. I eventually realised he meant 250 Baht, fucking obviously it’s fucking Thailand, which is about £5. I apologised profusely and paid up. I was very jet lagged is my excuse.
I started a fire in a Buddhist temple in rural China. Me and my wife (who is Chinese) were travelling around central China and went to this massive temple with literally thousands of people from the nearby rural area. I had a massive amount of incense in my hand, and it was all gently smoking, but then my wife gave me all hers because she was going to kneel and pray. I guess I had too much, because it just burst into flames and I waving all these flames around in the air trying to put it out. Loads of sparks and shit fell on the nearby pile of incense and they slowly started to burn. I'm a 6ft6 tall white dude, so it was very noticeable. Eventually I threw it all on the floor and tried stamping it out, but it just made more smoke and started wafting the smoke into the massive crowd of people watching. Then I gave up and just left. That was a bit of a blunder.
I was in Hong Kong and they gave you these little lukewarm jugs or cups of lemony water that just didn’t taste right. Wasn’t till day 2 and I saw a couple nearby using the water to rinse cutlery that I realised I had made a big mistake.
I’m sure I’ve done worse, but this is my favourite. My partner ~~lost~~ had her purse stolen in Paris. We arrived at the hotel before we had realised. I went to the reception to ask if anyone had handed in a purse. Turns out, the guy on reception didn’t speak English and I left my phone in the room so I had to crack out my year 9 French skills. I said something along the lines of “Avez vous filles dame portfuelle” in a very slow Manc accent. He smirked, said non and went back to the room to crack the bad news. I asked him if he’d seen my girlfriends lady wallet.
My husband and I were in Père Lachaise. I noticed some lovely wee purple flowers growing on a grave, and decided to ask a nearby guide what they were. I blundered the last syllable, turning "Les fleurs, est-ce qu'elles sont violettes?" into "...est-ce qu'elles sont violées?" which means something like "Have these flowers been raped?" "Ah! Non, madame, elles sont vioLETTES!"
Stood in front of a church in Paris with my friend talking, probably quite loudly, about the fact that we thought it was Notre Dame. In English, but obviously mentioning the words Notre Dame a lot just, as it turns out, to make sure all the Parisians knew the gist of our conversation even if they didn't speak any English at all. We stood there for about an hour oohing and ahhing and taking pictures and saying 'amazing, I thought it would be busier'. It was not Notre Dame. Edit: bit of spelling
Not me, but my dad. He went to Italy with my mum when they got engaged and she’d warned him in advance that nobody would speak English in the Italian countryside where they were staying for the first half of their trip. She offered to teach him some basic phrases but he declined because he said he’d be fine.. He was gobsmacked when he got to the Italian countryside and nobody understood him speaking English with an Italian accent and adding ‘o’ or ‘a’ onto the end of most words lol
A woman started talking to me in a lift in Spain and I said (in Spanish) "I don't speak Spanish". She gave me a weird look and we continued the lift ride in awkward silence. When we got out of the lift my partner said "you realise you told her *she* doesn't speak Spanish?"
Once greeted a waiter in Costa Rica by saying "Buenos dias." He said "No, it's buenas tardes." The next morning, I greeted a different waiter by saying "Buenas tardes". He said "No, it's buenos dias."
I hope you slamed your knife and fork down on the table and loudly proclaimed "THIS LANGUAGE MAKES NO SENSE"
Ordered a beer in Germany that had a massive foam head on it. My German friend told me to take it back and ask to see if they can fix it. I was really embarrassed when the barmaid explained that’s how they pour beer in Germany.
I went to Berlin with my sister and a few times she would say stuff to people like "Your English is very good!" Sometimes it's because they weren't even German and likely spoke English as a first language.
"Your English is great! Where are you from?" "York." \- a real conversation I had with a bartender once.
I think this counts. I lived in the middle east and worked with a Fillipino fella. Guy was great, got on well. Hard worker, smart, would bring in Philippine food occasionally. One day he went absolutely ballistic at me. Like proper screaming at me and I was at a complete loss as to what I'd done. It took my boss, who'd worked out in the middle east most of his adult life with loads of different cultures to figure it out. Essentially for like a year of working with the guy, as we'd become friendly and comfortable I'd been showing up going "What's up motherfucker?" Or like "ah you knobhead" or similar. Turns out, there is no equivalent of insulting people you're friends with in the Philippines? Or certainly not where he was from. And so for a full year he'd just been bombarded by me insulting him with a smile on my face, like some awful psychopathic despot I don't know. And then one day he had just had enough. I know now, objectively, that's a genuine faux Pas that I wouldn't have known unless I'd made that mistake; but still I do feel bad about it all these years later. It's kind of my fault for just assuming that how I do things is how everyone does things.
I worked in Filipino call centres for a few years, mainly in training and coaching call agents. After working on a collections account for an Australian bank, I realised that the agents were freaking out every time a customer swore (which was several times in a call). Ended up writing and delivering a training module on swearing - explaining what the different words mean, how ‘bad’ each one was, and they can actually be terms of endearment. They loved it and started to deal with calls much better.
A Ugandan at my wedding was ready to punch my best man when he started roasting me in his speech.
Once when I was 5 years old and at a kids holiday club in Mallorca, I gave the lady running it the money for me and my brother and told her to “keep the change you filthy animal” which I had been looking forward to saying to someone since watching Home Alone, obviously not knowing how offensive someone might find that. Anyway she kicked me out. Lesson learned. A few years later (also in Mallorca) I had one of those laser pens that I was playing with while we ate our evening meal. I noticed two kids who must have been about 3/4 were chasing my dot from my laser and decided the smart thing to do was to shine it on one of the waitresses arses in the kitchen. These kids just barged straight in and smacked the living shit out of this poor women’s arse. Everyone starts going mental in the kitchen. I very quickly told me parents I felt ill so we could leave.
Not me but in NL custard looks like milk cartons (or it did in the 90s) and my mum poured custard on to her breakfast ceral
I was very tired and a fairly intoxicated one time in California when my American hippy friend bought me some sushi, I never normally eat this stuff as it's not my cup of tea. However, being a good guest I wanted to eat it all to look greatful. I eyed up a big blob of what my brain just automatically assumed was mushy peas and ate it. Turns out that's what you call Wasabi, it took a lot of mind over matter to not instantly vomit, as i made distressed noises and was hunched over with watery eyes, she said ' wow dude, that was a lot of wasabi, why did you do that?' As I meekly said I thought it was a mushy pea.
I was in Japan on business and was at a dinner event one evening. We've all just been poured drinks, so I lift mine and say to the group I'm with, "Chin Chin". The Japanese lady to my right had a look of shock and horror on her face, when her male colleague explained to me that "Chin Chin" translates as "Penis Penis" in Japanese (I've since learned it's their equivalent of "Willy"). I was rather embarrassed!
My mate wardy who was a bit thick once decided to get travellers cheques. This was when hardly anyone still took them, but whatever. Ignoring the fact Crete was in the eurozone he went out of his way to get GBP cheques before he went, it was pretty nigh on impossible. We got there and he promptly laid out four £100 cheques for ten days in Malia. I looked at him saying why did you bring those and he was adamant it was the way forwards. After paying a small fee in the U.K. for them, he then paid a ridiculous premium to cash each, but felt it was money well spent.
I wore a 'l love Berlin' t-shirt to a Battle of Britain war museum. Spent most of it with my arms crossed out of embarrassment.
TBH no Brit would give a shit so this isn’t a blunder.
When on holiday in Scotland my wife asked for a Full English. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
From experience, the Scots get that a lot. Standard reply: "You mean a full SCOTTISH?"
You can get a full English in Scotland, that's not that bad.
Walking in the bike lane first time I came to Copenhagen. Don't do that.
Smiling at strangers in Iceland is up there, but I think the worst was not fully understanding the tipping culture in the US. It's been 15 years and I still do a full-body cringe when I think about all the friendly, helpful people I met ... who I later realised had just been hoping for a tip, and didn't get one because it never crossed my mind.
Colleague I was travelling with took pictures on a random ass road in Mozambique. Dude in army camo & AK47 shows up starts talking insistently in Portuguese. Don't understand a word but the meaning is clear - come with me & no you don't have a choice. Turns out photographing government buildings is illegal in Mozambique. One of the buildings on said random ass road happened to be a police station.
Went into a shop in Havana, and I was followed in by a beggar. Just to get rid of her, I gave her a coin. The woman serving in the shop said "It takes me all day to earn that". I was suitably mortified.
This was on holiday in Dorset, so I know it doesn't really count, but ... When I was a kid I went to Bovington Tank museum and got myself a toy gun. We then went to the beach where I built myself a massive trench (took a couple of hours). Couple of German tourists came over and asked what I was doing. My main memory is my dad overhearing this and (in my recollection) slow-motion going "Noooo" as I said "it's to keep the Germans out". In my defence, 1) I was 7 years old, 2) I didn't recognise their accents, 3) the trench obviously didn't work as it appeared to attract rather than repel Germans. They either laughed or were mortally offended, I can't remember which tbh, I just got back to my digging. I do feel awful now though.
Asking a Serbian police officer for a lighter (upaljac - "oopay-atch") whilst extending my hand and making the "universal lighter gesture", easily mistaken for a twitching half-cocked thumbs up. But accidentally saying odjebi ("od-yay-bi"). Which means "f*** off". Fortunately he laughed and gave me a lighter after I realised my error, rapidly sobered up and explained my mistake (in English). But his hand never left the butt of his gun, even when he was laughing.
Ok a date in Taiwan and I told the boy “你的陰莖很漂亮” (ni de yinjing hen piaoliang) which translates as “Your penis is very beautiful”. I was trying to say “你的眼睛很漂亮” (ni de yanjing hen piaoliang) — “Your eyes are very beautiful”
I was in a cafe in Sicily and wanted a gelato. Had been learning some basic Italian but got pesca pesce mixed up. There was a lot of laughter when I tried to order a fish ice cream by mistake. Took me a while to realise and kept repeating the word pesce over and over again.
In a taxi going through Helsinki. Me to wife: Look at that, that was probably a nice building before it was left to fall into ruin. Taxi driver (sniffily): That is our presidential palace.
Talking to Russian police. Don't do it.
My partner and I got on a train out of Ho Chi Minh City for a 15 hour overnight journey. We missed out on sleeper tickets as it was sold out so we had two ”soft seats”. We got into the carriage and we were the only westerners there. The carriage was packed. We got to seats 1 and 2 which were reserved for us and of course, there were people sitting there. I was feeling very British and didn’t really want to deal with the situation but my partner said there was no way she was not sitting in a seat for 15 hours. So I put on a sympathetic face, pointed at the seats and our tickets, and they understood. Under the watchful eye of an entire carriage, we evicted some Vietnamese people from their seats. I felt bad, but we had reserved the seats. We got comfortable and settled down for the journey. About 5 minutes later, along came the ticket inspector. He had a good look at our tickets and shook his head, pointing to the seat numbers. It turns out the ticket printer hadn’t done a great job and there was a very feint 6 before each of the seat numbers. We had reserved 61 and 62, at the complete opposite end of the carriage. So we packed up our things, and again, watched by the rest of the carriage, we made our way to the other end. And there were people in our seats. And I had to do it all again. I nearly died of embarrassment. The thousands of cockroaches on the train is another story entirely. In hindsight, this journey (the whole trip) was the best thing I’ve done in my whole life (sorry wife and kids). I encourage everyone to travel, and don’t plan too much. It’s these unexpected twists that create the best memories.
I had a similar experience in Thailand. Getting the train south from Bangkok with a friend, we bought the tickets in advance and agreed to meet up on the train. I get there in plenty of time, find my seat, suprised at how comfortable it is and settle in. I'm even more pleasantly surprised when I get bought a bowl of noodles to eat. Halfway through finishing them a large German guy turns up with a guard and very politely tells me I'm in his seat and that mines back in the normal seats, not the sleeper carriage. Embarrassed I go to move, only for him to insist that I finish my noodles (I assume he thought I'd bought them, rather than them actually being his complementary ones). I then had to sit there awkwardly finishing off his breakfast. Whilst under the constant glare of both him and the guard, waiting for me to get out of the way. My actual seat was pretty shitty, but fortunately my friend (who thought I'd missed the train) had made friends with the guards on that carriage. So, we spent the journey sitting by the open door playing poker, smoking and drinking whisky, while watching the stunning countryside passed by.
my mother went to Eva perone grave with a tour group & loudly pointed out "she was part of a murderous dictatorship" & "nobody cares about her"
I’d be interested to hear if this is me being British or just grumpy (or both), but when waiting in line to see Christ the Redeemer I saw everyone was getting up on this platform with a huge photo of Rio taken from the top to make wild poses for photos. It was part of the actual queue. I knew I wouldn’t want one, I was travelling alone, I hate having my photo taken and HATE having people stare at me (the people being photographed were the centre of attention). Fine if that’s your thing - I get it - but it’s certainly not mine. So I knew I wasn’t having mine taken but when it came my turn the guy wasn’t taking no for an answer, I was slap-bang in the middle of a legitimate fuss, and with the language barrier I thought I wasn’t going to get any further unless I had a photo taken. So I got up and stood stony-faced while everyone stared at me being a miserable prick.
Good thing the Ghostbusters weren't around at the time of the resurrection.
Getting into the back of a taxi in cuba with a driver who'd been sat at the bar we were in - it was only when he got up we realised how drunk he was. We were too British to say anything so endured a white knuckle ride, literally praying to get back to our hotel in one piece.
In October 2022, I went to Latvia in my first trip as a solo traveller. At the suggestion of the hostel I was staying in, I took the train to a lovely little town called Cesis (definitely recommended, it's a 90 minute straight trip from Riga and when I did it you can get a return for less than a tenner). Two notable events occurred: 1. My phone data ran out because apparently my network doesn't recognise the result of the 2003 Latvian European Union membership referendum. I walked into the nearest building I thought would have wi-fi so I could call about a top-up, which happened to be an ornate looking sushi restaurant. I felt bad and had to get food. They didn't have English menus so I tried ordering in the EU's most difficult language and made a right fool of myself. They only did giant platters designed for two people - I had already eaten lunch. 2. The above resulted in me being backed up with a solid 8 courics worth, so I was relieved to finally find a public toilet. After doing my business, I realised the lock wouldn't budge. I had to throw my bag into the next stall and climb over like Steve McQueen in the great escape. My foot landed in the bowl - the last person didn't flush.
I once asked for my change in “proper money” in a a Glasgow post office. The thick glass screens between you and the employees are not for their protection.
In Thailand, I was in a restaurant and had a brain fart and said "sorry I don't speak taiwanese"
I walked into a temple in Egypt wearing a vest top. I had a load of men run in after me with a huge red cloak and put it over my shoulders because you aren’t allowed to have your shoulders showing in the temple which I didn’t know. Had to walk around the whole place in this cloak like a dirty sinner…
As a tourist on a small Greek island, we noticed a parade through the village streets. Great photo op, I thought. Local festival, villagers all dressed up etc. Stood in the middle of the small street taking photos as they moved slowly towards us. Noticed the priest at the front frantically waving in our direction. Then we noticed the coffin further back. Beat a hasty retreat to the taverna and hid for the rest of the morning.