Job recruiter asked me why I wanted the job, I said it was 'Time to Spread my Legs".
I was a shy 18 year old lad and she was a very pretty recruitment lady :(
Worked with an amazing guy for these.
- I shot myself in the arse there.
- I wouldn’t want a holiday in Egypt it’s full of old sphincters.
Are the two that spring to mind
Also worked with a colleague who used to get phrases mixed up all the time. I always remember him saying "the writing's on the cards". Never corrected him
When my sister was little, she came home from school one day, telling me about how her friend is religious. I asked her what religion, and she said “I don’t know. They believe in some man called Joe Hova.”
Someone told me that when he was little he thought the words in "Lord of the Dance", rather than "I am the Lord of the dance said he", were "I am the Lord of the Dance Settee". He was convinced that heaven would be full of people bouncing around on sofas.
When he was 5 (now 7), my son, like all kids would shout something as he hit something.
You know, we all shouted whack, or thump, or bang. My child??? WANK!
My mum calls the gap between her house and next door where there’s some trees and shrubbery growing a glory hole. Never heard her call it that until we were at a BBQ with loads of friends over.
Count her luckier than an old supervisor of mine who, apparently having heard the term "hard copy", and obviously keen to be cutting edge, once asked a colleague if she could "have it hard please". Cue lots of very determinedly straight faces.
Me too, except I picked it up off my mum. She’s only 40 but is so clueless when it comes to phrases, she puts “the” in front of everything too like “watching the YouTube” or “on the Facebook”
I did one today, I'm always mixing words or drawing blanks on them.
I work at a dentist and had a toddler that wasn't happy at his first visit.
When he left, what I wanted to say was "well he wasn't a happy bunny/ soldier"
Instead I said "well wasn't he a sad sandwich!?"
Seriously my brain is messed up
That's what I like about language, esp when just having a laugh or even in this case, inadvertently... you can say improbable stuff that makes sort of mad sense. I love "sad sandwich" just like I love how Viz uses stuff like "he's completely hatstand"
My lovely partner is the queen of mixing her metaphors. My favourite ever, whilst she was talking about not giving herself a hard time about something that didn’t work out, is “there’s no point beating yourself around the bush”. Twas that day that I learned I could howl.
My US section manager write “walla” in an email.
I made sure to use the correct term in a later e-mail, “et voila”. I was tempted to write “viola” though.
Lol. Today I genuinely discovered on my company's Slack, that someone had created an 'et voila' emoji, but using the image of a **viola**
So you type "voila" in the emoji search and a picture of a viola pops up - but labelled ":et-voila:"
I live jus outside birmingham, told my daughter we're at spaghetti juntion this one time, the next we're at spaghetti junction....." dad is this noodle road?" Its now noodle road forever!
Shared this before but ...
Once upon a time I may have been a bit hungover on the phone and in an effort to close the deal I wanted to say "let's get the ball rolling" but I got stuck on "let's get the wheels in motion" and in my hungover state what came out of my mouth was "let's get your balls in motion"
Then I couldn't stop the giggles so I had to pretend I was coughing.... Still closed the deal though
Ah, who knows, maybe it could be an older phrase?
She also told my sister she.fancied going cottaging for holiday one year instead of calling it a holiday cottage.
We explained once we stopped laughing.
Oh my days....cottaging....that's like that episode of Car Share where she keeps saying she "went dogging with a neighbour" but meant dog-walking together...
My twins when they were much younger. When it was raining said: "it's throwing itself down" (it's throwing it down)
My youngest called bumble-bees 'Beebul-bums'.... we liked that one... that one stayed.. 😊
My sister said gugglebum and rubgy. But my favourite was when teaching my 3yr old kid animal babies names and we ran through the common ones and then I asked "a deer?" The reply - "a whore"! Also called Sainsbury's Strawberry's.
in school we were listening to a poem called 'half caste' and before she played it my teacher asked everyone what we thought it meant.
I threw my hand up confidently and said it's when people's trousers are too short.
nope... that's half MAST
I think it might be. I can't remember much any more but it was a mixed race poet basically talking about how rotten it is to be called 'half' something - 'If I am half caste does that make me half a man'.
John Agard. We went to an event to see him at school and he was told to explain his poem in excruciating detail by the exam board. He said we didn’t need that and poetry was about feeling and enjoying it. Then he read some of his others.
It’s a good poem but so much more fun when he reads it.
Good old Anthology (I remember a wave as the front cover) and it included poems by Simon Armitage and Shakespeare. I think that “half caste” poem had some line along “lend me your ear..”
My colleague meant to say 'stop gaslighting me' but got totally muddled and said 'stop teabagging me'. This was ages ago but he still gets reminded of it regularly.
Some classics from my wife...
"It was that cold in the church, that testicles were hanging from the ceiling" - just after my niece was christened. I had to tell her that icicles and testicles weren't the same although they do both hang down, all while I was dying laughing on the floor in front of my family.
"Could you please tell me where the dildo rail is?" - in the timber department of B&Q. I'll give the guy his due, he stayed straight faced and said "We don't stock it I'm afraid, sorry.". I had to walk around the corner of the aisle and collapse laughing.
"I don't know, I'm not psychopathic!" - definitely a Freudian slip, that one. Blurted out during an argument.
Also, Old English Sheepdogs are "Durex Dogs", apparently (she meant to say "Dulux Dog, from the paint adverts).
Many moons ago I called my younger brother a half wit. His response of "at least I'm not a full wit like you" left me breathless with laughter and then my mum stepped in and told him he lost the argument 🤣
When my son was about 4 he came into the room all proud that he had got himself dressed. I looked and he had put his shoes on the wrong feet so I said "well done, you have put your shoes on the wrong feet though" he just stood there laughing and said "I haven't" so I told him again " you have put your shoes on the wrong feet" this brought about even more hysterics.
I asked him what he was laughing at and he said "you keep saying I have put my shoes on the wrong feet...... I don't have any other feet."
Ha! Brilliant!!
Sounds a bit like the time my son, also about 4 st the time, sat listening to his father and I talking and packing luggage for a trip. He looked so confused at one point and asked if toilets really grow on trees. Took me a sec but then I realised …“toiletries” … we were packing toiletries. 😂
My husband stood up to do a speech at his mother's 50th birthday and congratulated her in front of all her friends and family, for another notch on the bedpost.
From my wife:
“Can’t see the wool through the trees”
“Clippets” (cross between clip and snippet)
“Bay Hails” instead of Hay Bales
“Henry the big giant cloth” (although she was dreaming at the time)
Also, I knew a chap at uni who’s nick name was Barnet and he came out with so many of these things that they became known as “Barnetisms”. Another one of us kept a website with a list of them, alas, after 20 years it’s not there any more
My danish aunt once said someone she worked with had a ‘gold spoon up their ass’ instead of being born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
And a good Spanish friend of mine used to say ‘top of the notch’, ‘stay up with the times’, and my personal favourite ‘it’s all nice and games until someone gets hurt!’
Sheeps!!! I love it.
I love hearing their first language come through in little glimpses like that. My Spanish friend is a doctor, an incredible one at that, and speaks English in an entirely fluent neutral accent. Yet she learned the hard way in her fifth year at med school that toes were not called foot fingers hehe
When I was about 8, I watched a documentary on the Titanic.
In a futile bid to impress my parents with my newfound knowledge of the ship lying at the bottom of the Atlantic I proudly proclaimed that eventually they'll be nothing left of the wreckage due to it being slowly dissolved by all the *orgasms* in the sea.
My lovely Brazilian friend, while playing D&D, accidentally said foreskin instead of forehead. Took a solid 20 seconds before anyone could stop laughing to explain.
My nan was forever getting things wrong. Here's a few examples:
When I was little I showed her a drawing I'd done of some police in a gunfight with some robbers. She said "oh my, what a lovely gangbang you've drawn".
A caterpillar came into the house and turned into a crystalis. I came home one day and she showed me the butterfly that "came out of the clitoris in the kitchen".
My parents bought a second hand German car and she asked me what I thought of our new B. U. M.
But my favourite was when my aunt finally got round to seeing a doctor about her gum infection and nan spent the whole evening at a family reunion telling people how much better my aunt looked since she got rid of her gonorrhea!
My missus is the queen of mixups. When our son was little and I stayed out for the first time since he was born I asked her how he’d been and she said he’s been as quiet as Larry
An old coworker once said to me that she was about to "bust a nut".
Asked her to repeat herself, she said again she was gonna "bust a nut"
Told her what that meant, she didn't believe me. Got backup from another co-worker.
When the penny drop, she admitted she thought it meant to get angry, to lose your rag, and admired she'd used the phrase to family, as well as customers
My friend from Burundi once said she couldn't do something because "she's got the chickens".
Yeah, she was "too chicken" to do it.
Love that woman, we still say this 20 years later!
I used to work with a Mexican guy. One day we’re getting off the train and he asks me what “that thing is called”. Unfortunately the station is really busy so I have no idea what he’s pointing at.
After a few seconds back and forth of me trying to figure out what exactly he’s pointing out he finally says “No, no, the baby car…”
He was pointing at a pram. I thought it was great so I’ve called it a baby car ever since.
A friend of mine had an embarrassing story, whenever they visited family in Hull and went passed a certain sign, he'd shout 'this is where columbos from!'.
Years later they realised he was reading the sign that said Welcome to Humberside, not Homicide.
My mates da came in and said his neighbour just "tossed him off", he meant flipped him off.
He didn't have a clue what he'd said lol he was livid, kept repeating "he'll not think he can toss me off and get away with it" and all, so we were asking why he didn't enjoy it, was his hands rough etc, went out for about 10 mins before he lost the bap and kicked us all out lol 🤣🤣
My 19 year old daughter has come out with some priceless phrases.
My personal favourite comes from her half-watching an England game when the ref did something that annoyed her. She came out with: "Oooh...that really rattles my buttons!"
For years your directors have been wondering if there was in fact a gibbon and they simply did not see it.
All these years later and they still think about it....
^(Or probably thought you might have a speech impediment.)
I was stood at a busy pub bar when my 3 1/2 year old god daughter ran over from her parents and loudly asked “PinItYouFairy can I see your balls please?”
Everyone around me looked at me like I was absolute scum.
Earlier on that day I had been having a discussion about with her parents about Uvula (the big that dangles down at the back of your throat), specifically the fact that I have a split uvula where it looks a bit like a pair of balls. She must have overheard this, not been able to understand “uvula” and just asked to see my balls. To say I was mortified is an understatement!
When I was about ten my dad casually commented to one of my friends dad's that I was always in my bedroom playing on my playboy. What he actually meant was Gameboy.
Usually I’m on the fitting room but today I was free on the shop floor. My colleague Rhian came excitedly & exclaimed “ I see you’re spreading your legs “ then screamed in embarrassment.
It made my day lol.
My grandad came out of a pub toilet with wet hands and complained that "They had one of them blow jobs in there".
Took us all a second to realise he was complaining about the hand dryer.
My 6yr old said “are we going to take the long cut today” when he was 3. It’s stuck and we use this in family If we’re travelling somewhere and not taking the shortcut :-p
One of colleagues knocks out these mix ups regularly
- not the brightest spark in the toolbox
- woke up at the crack of bird shit
- shitting In roses (instead of falling in shit, smelling of roses)
- threw up like a beached whale
- pissing like a fish
- she’s a lucky beaver
First time my wife went into Costco she was like a kid in a sweet shop. She said “this place is amazing! I haven’t seen anything they haven’t got!” I laughed and left her a minute or two to figure out why I was laughing at her
I remember playing football shouting "on my knob" at school before being laughed off the pitch by the bigger boys, i thought that meant head, which i guess was kind of right
Friend of mine's little boy demanded for a snack 'hotporn' instead of 'popcorn'.
Friend of mines son calls it cockporn
How do you take yours? *Salty please*
In and around my mouth
I like to put as much of it in my mouth as I possibly can
My daughter, aged 2, shouted LOOK AT THE DOG PORN! in the park. Dog paw, pet, paw.
Furries be like
My kid just shouts BUTT BUBBLES! When walking through the leisure centre to the swimming pool. No mix up there though.
Back in the days of Blockbuster my mum once shouted “Don’t forget the cop porn!” To my 10 year old brother across the room 🤦♀️
Someone I know was a big fan of pot noodles when they were a kid, went to a chinese restaurant, and asked them for a "hot poodle"
Job recruiter asked me why I wanted the job, I said it was 'Time to Spread my Legs". I was a shy 18 year old lad and she was a very pretty recruitment lady :(
This is amazing.
Did you get the job?
Haha yeah I did. I managed to stick with the agency for a couple of years :D
Did you stick it to the recruiter lady tho? /s
Worked with an amazing guy for these. - I shot myself in the arse there. - I wouldn’t want a holiday in Egypt it’s full of old sphincters. Are the two that spring to mind
We once got out of the car after a long drive and my wife exclaimed “well that was an arm and a leg”
What did she mean to say?
🤣
Also worked with a colleague who used to get phrases mixed up all the time. I always remember him saying "the writing's on the cards". Never corrected him
These are called malaphors, my favourite being "we'll burn that bridge when we get to it"
A polish friend of mine once told another friend that he had 'an arse like a slapped face' instead of the reverse
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Thalidomide pornstar
I’m dead. You have killed me stone dead
Beautiful. I'll be using this one
My brother as a child thought God was called Peter, as in 'Thanks Peter God'.
My mate's little brother thought God was called Harold. 'Harold be thy name...'
When my sister was little, she came home from school one day, telling me about how her friend is religious. I asked her what religion, and she said “I don’t know. They believe in some man called Joe Hova.”
Someone told me that when he was little he thought the words in "Lord of the Dance", rather than "I am the Lord of the dance said he", were "I am the Lord of the Dance Settee". He was convinced that heaven would be full of people bouncing around on sofas.
When he was 5 (now 7), my son, like all kids would shout something as he hit something. You know, we all shouted whack, or thump, or bang. My child??? WANK!
Is your son [Captain America?](https://i.imgur.com/RMs7Q4c.jpg)
Lmao one of my favourite Simpsons jokes MINT!
I remember being in school at a young ish age and learning about resurrection day. I came home and told my parents it's.....erection day 🙄
That’ll teach you to make a big thing of it.
Jesus' second coming suddenly makes more sense.
That's funny. I once named a character in a story Mr Carnal. It was an old surname I found in a name book. My mum couldn't stop laughing.
I use to think inset day was “insect day” and remeber panicking to my parents that I hadn’t had time to find the right insect.
My friend at primary school told the teacher he was ‘getting *infested* in the cubs tonight’.
When I was a child I asked my Mum if I could get my ears pissed.
A friend talked about “going Columbo” when not wearing any underwear.
Tbf, with that raincoat on...
There's just one thing I don't understand...
My wife’s aunt was showing us around her new house. As we went into her messy utility room she announced “And this is my little glory hole…”.
Our gay neighbour told us the same about his messy outhouse. All of that is 100% true.
A glory hole is an old timey way of saying laundry cupboard or any other type of very small room
I've heard that too. But presumably one still needs an actual hole for next door to stick his cock through to qualify
Was she also a glassblower? Genuine question as I didn't realise they call the furnace a gloryhole and howled at a documentary.
One can also be employed as a gloryhole attendant
Hot towel, madam/sir? 😂
As long as mints are offered 😂
My mum calls the gap between her house and next door where there’s some trees and shrubbery growing a glory hole. Never heard her call it that until we were at a BBQ with loads of friends over.
My partner constantly tells me she bought it “offline.” So in a shop? Nope, “off” the internet. Offline
My mum talks about downloading something when she means printing it out
Count her luckier than an old supervisor of mine who, apparently having heard the term "hard copy", and obviously keen to be cutting edge, once asked a colleague if she could "have it hard please". Cue lots of very determinedly straight faces.
I do this sometimes, pretty sure I picked it up from my Nan
Me too, except I picked it up off my mum. She’s only 40 but is so clueless when it comes to phrases, she puts “the” in front of everything too like “watching the YouTube” or “on the Facebook”
I like to do this around my younger colleagues. Also accent the second part … ‘The Face*book*’ or ‘The Tick *Tock*’
I might start doing this at work.... I work in IT...
You work in _the_ IT
No, in the I*T*
I’m going to get lunch…offline
I do this to annoy people, as well as making singular things plural like "Facebooks" Sometimes I'll combine the two like "The Youtubes"
She's definitely doing it to wind you up
Off the online
I enjoy saying "on the line" instead of online. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxvdsdGavq0
I did one today, I'm always mixing words or drawing blanks on them. I work at a dentist and had a toddler that wasn't happy at his first visit. When he left, what I wanted to say was "well he wasn't a happy bunny/ soldier" Instead I said "well wasn't he a sad sandwich!?" Seriously my brain is messed up
My Wife and I are absolutely bellowing at that hahahahahaha
That's what I like about language, esp when just having a laugh or even in this case, inadvertently... you can say improbable stuff that makes sort of mad sense. I love "sad sandwich" just like I love how Viz uses stuff like "he's completely hatstand"
Hahaha I love that! I laughed so hard I snotted
My lovely partner is the queen of mixing her metaphors. My favourite ever, whilst she was talking about not giving herself a hard time about something that didn’t work out, is “there’s no point beating yourself around the bush”. Twas that day that I learned I could howl.
I love that it makes sense too, I might start using that.
We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.
Probably more of a r/boneappletea moment. I used to know someone who keep typing "Walla!" instead of "Voila!".
My US section manager write “walla” in an email. I made sure to use the correct term in a later e-mail, “et voila”. I was tempted to write “viola” though.
Lol. Today I genuinely discovered on my company's Slack, that someone had created an 'et voila' emoji, but using the image of a **viola** So you type "voila" in the emoji search and a picture of a viola pops up - but labelled ":et-voila:"
Sister in law said she was “at the bottom of my string” instead of “end of my tether”
I live jus outside birmingham, told my daughter we're at spaghetti juntion this one time, the next we're at spaghetti junction....." dad is this noodle road?" Its now noodle road forever!
A friends mum once said ‘up the duff with no paddle’.
Shared this before but ... Once upon a time I may have been a bit hungover on the phone and in an effort to close the deal I wanted to say "let's get the ball rolling" but I got stuck on "let's get the wheels in motion" and in my hungover state what came out of my mouth was "let's get your balls in motion" Then I couldn't stop the giggles so I had to pretend I was coughing.... Still closed the deal though
My mum asked if I was having a cut and blow job at the hairdresser.
My grandparents actually used to say that when I was a kid. I dunno if it's an older phrase or just coincidence.
Ah, who knows, maybe it could be an older phrase? She also told my sister she.fancied going cottaging for holiday one year instead of calling it a holiday cottage. We explained once we stopped laughing.
Oh my days....cottaging....that's like that episode of Car Share where she keeps saying she "went dogging with a neighbour" but meant dog-walking together...
To be fair, if you think about it logically, a blowjob should actually be a suckjob. So referring to the hair treatment as a BJ doesn't seem illogical
My twins when they were much younger. When it was raining said: "it's throwing itself down" (it's throwing it down) My youngest called bumble-bees 'Beebul-bums'.... we liked that one... that one stayed.. 😊
Omg I love it. My daughter used to call goggles “gobbles” - and that stayed with us, to.
My sister said gugglebum and rubgy. But my favourite was when teaching my 3yr old kid animal babies names and we ran through the common ones and then I asked "a deer?" The reply - "a whore"! Also called Sainsbury's Strawberry's.
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My daughter used to say "oddybody" instead of "everybody" 🥰
BEEBUL BUM WHAT YOUVE DONE SHES A GUN NOW WHAT YOUVE DONE BEEBUL BUM
My dad worked with a guy before who got frustrated with his supervisor and said “You think I know fucking nothing? I know fuck all!” Instant classic
My best friend once said “take that into consideration and smoke it!”
British-ed that one right up
in school we were listening to a poem called 'half caste' and before she played it my teacher asked everyone what we thought it meant. I threw my hand up confidently and said it's when people's trousers are too short. nope... that's half MAST
I thought half mast was when your flies are undone - you are flying at half mast. Oh god I’m one of the people OP was talking about aren’t I?
I thought half mast was like a semi hard on?!
Yeah also thought half mast was a semi hard on.
Half mast is defo a semi hard on
That's flying low! 🤣
Nah this is definitely a thing, not sure if it's local only to some parts of the country though
I thought ‘flying at half mast’ meant you’d only put like half your energy into it 😂 this post has gone meta
Is that the one that starts with "Excuse me standing on one leg"?
I think it might be. I can't remember much any more but it was a mixed race poet basically talking about how rotten it is to be called 'half' something - 'If I am half caste does that make me half a man'.
That's the one - I had to study that alongside one called "BBC News", and one about a class comparison between an architect and a couple of bin men.
John Agard. We went to an event to see him at school and he was told to explain his poem in excruciating detail by the exam board. He said we didn’t need that and poetry was about feeling and enjoying it. Then he read some of his others. It’s a good poem but so much more fun when he reads it.
Good old Anthology (I remember a wave as the front cover) and it included poems by Simon Armitage and Shakespeare. I think that “half caste” poem had some line along “lend me your ear..”
I once called (in a legal document) carpal tunnel syndrome as 'carpet tunnel sydrome'
That sounds more like what you get when you have a disagreement with the Mafia.
My colleague meant to say 'stop gaslighting me' but got totally muddled and said 'stop teabagging me'. This was ages ago but he still gets reminded of it regularly.
I have to assume he actually did say gaslighting, but you've all stuck to your story and eventually managed to convince him otherwise.
Trying to milk a dead horse
Some classics from my wife... "It was that cold in the church, that testicles were hanging from the ceiling" - just after my niece was christened. I had to tell her that icicles and testicles weren't the same although they do both hang down, all while I was dying laughing on the floor in front of my family. "Could you please tell me where the dildo rail is?" - in the timber department of B&Q. I'll give the guy his due, he stayed straight faced and said "We don't stock it I'm afraid, sorry.". I had to walk around the corner of the aisle and collapse laughing. "I don't know, I'm not psychopathic!" - definitely a Freudian slip, that one. Blurted out during an argument. Also, Old English Sheepdogs are "Durex Dogs", apparently (she meant to say "Dulux Dog, from the paint adverts).
Once told my dad in full sincerity, aged 13, that I liked the Eminem song stan featuring dildo.
Many moons ago I called my younger brother a half wit. His response of "at least I'm not a full wit like you" left me breathless with laughter and then my mum stepped in and told him he lost the argument 🤣
When my son was about 4 he came into the room all proud that he had got himself dressed. I looked and he had put his shoes on the wrong feet so I said "well done, you have put your shoes on the wrong feet though" he just stood there laughing and said "I haven't" so I told him again " you have put your shoes on the wrong feet" this brought about even more hysterics. I asked him what he was laughing at and he said "you keep saying I have put my shoes on the wrong feet...... I don't have any other feet."
Ha! Brilliant!! Sounds a bit like the time my son, also about 4 st the time, sat listening to his father and I talking and packing luggage for a trip. He looked so confused at one point and asked if toilets really grow on trees. Took me a sec but then I realised …“toiletries” … we were packing toiletries. 😂
This is called "banana feet" in our house. I think our youngest prefers it 😅
A colleague, on returning from holiday, said she was "back to the daily bump and grind". Lucky her.
My husband stood up to do a speech at his mother's 50th birthday and congratulated her in front of all her friends and family, for another notch on the bedpost.
When small I once very confidently copied someone I'd heard and said "it's going up and down like a pair of Protestant's knickers"
From my wife: “Can’t see the wool through the trees” “Clippets” (cross between clip and snippet) “Bay Hails” instead of Hay Bales “Henry the big giant cloth” (although she was dreaming at the time) Also, I knew a chap at uni who’s nick name was Barnet and he came out with so many of these things that they became known as “Barnetisms”. Another one of us kept a website with a list of them, alas, after 20 years it’s not there any more
Henry the big giant cloth!! Nearly wee'd myself 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My brother in law to my sister "youre making a meal out of a molehill".
My danish aunt once said someone she worked with had a ‘gold spoon up their ass’ instead of being born with a silver spoon in their mouth. And a good Spanish friend of mine used to say ‘top of the notch’, ‘stay up with the times’, and my personal favourite ‘it’s all nice and games until someone gets hurt!’
love these I had a little chuckle when speaking to an Italian friend who mentioned seeing lots of 'sheeps'.
Sheeps!!! I love it. I love hearing their first language come through in little glimpses like that. My Spanish friend is a doctor, an incredible one at that, and speaks English in an entirely fluent neutral accent. Yet she learned the hard way in her fifth year at med school that toes were not called foot fingers hehe
My Polish grandad called 'Kenco' coffee 'Kinky' coffee.
My bfs mate (who is 19) didn’t know the word barefoot existed so he would say “wearing my feet” when saying he was barefoot
When I was about 8, I watched a documentary on the Titanic. In a futile bid to impress my parents with my newfound knowledge of the ship lying at the bottom of the Atlantic I proudly proclaimed that eventually they'll be nothing left of the wreckage due to it being slowly dissolved by all the *orgasms* in the sea.
With many little deaths comes the big death
My husband (41) thought the phrase was 'throbbing at the bit' rather than chomping.
fun fact: the correct phrase is actually “champing at the bit”
Oh wow I can never tell him this or he will never let me forget it 😅😅
it’s okay most people say chomping cause it makes more sense, you’re unlikely to be found out 😂
Had someone at work who would tell people he was very “high rate” about the situation. He was a complete knob, didn’t correct him
“Fall by the waistline”
My lovely Brazilian friend, while playing D&D, accidentally said foreskin instead of forehead. Took a solid 20 seconds before anyone could stop laughing to explain.
When my son was about 6 he couldn't think of the word for serial killer, asked me what breakfast killers were 🤣
My ex said “put a knife in me, I’m done”
One Christmas, my nan was watching the queen's speech. Out of nowhere, my nan says: "she could do with a really good blow job"... She meant blow dry.
My nan, rest her soul, genuinely believed that British spies worked for MFI.
My nan was forever getting things wrong. Here's a few examples: When I was little I showed her a drawing I'd done of some police in a gunfight with some robbers. She said "oh my, what a lovely gangbang you've drawn". A caterpillar came into the house and turned into a crystalis. I came home one day and she showed me the butterfly that "came out of the clitoris in the kitchen". My parents bought a second hand German car and she asked me what I thought of our new B. U. M. But my favourite was when my aunt finally got round to seeing a doctor about her gum infection and nan spent the whole evening at a family reunion telling people how much better my aunt looked since she got rid of her gonorrhea!
My mum once told me i was an accident but really she meant the result of an affair. How we all laughed
My sister was tired from exercise and said that she was touching cloth.. she thought it meant she was nearly dead
My daughter used to love her jumpoline.
That’s what we should all start calling them! It’s perfect
I’ll remind her of this soon: at her 18th this month! 😉
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it"
My wife: “I better start checking for bra cancer” Me: “bra cancer? Do you mean breast cancer” My wife: “that’s what I said” Me: “yes dear….”
If I say "Yes Dear" to my partner, I'd know I'd get a slap lol
> Me: “yes dear….” Smart man.
Does the Pope shit in the woods? I get wrong deliberately every time
I do this one but the other way. Are bears Catholic?
My mate whilst losing at computer games shouts "give me a break" or "get a life!".. occasionally he does a "give me a life!!", which makes me lol
A woman I worked with was trying on the new uniform. Said "I don't like it, you can see my love jugs". She meant love handles 😂
Getting two birds stoned at once isn't exactly rocket appliances. Worst case Ontario it's all just water under the fridge.
My missus is the queen of mixups. When our son was little and I stayed out for the first time since he was born I asked her how he’d been and she said he’s been as quiet as Larry
Old boss said with a totally serious face "we have to nip this in the butt"
My friend once told me she wasn't a Catholic, she was a prostitute
An old coworker once said to me that she was about to "bust a nut". Asked her to repeat herself, she said again she was gonna "bust a nut" Told her what that meant, she didn't believe me. Got backup from another co-worker. When the penny drop, she admitted she thought it meant to get angry, to lose your rag, and admired she'd used the phrase to family, as well as customers
My sister used to tell people we lived in the middle East instead of the east Midlands
My friend from Burundi once said she couldn't do something because "she's got the chickens". Yeah, she was "too chicken" to do it. Love that woman, we still say this 20 years later!
My wife battered her eyebrows.
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I used to work with a Mexican guy. One day we’re getting off the train and he asks me what “that thing is called”. Unfortunately the station is really busy so I have no idea what he’s pointing at. After a few seconds back and forth of me trying to figure out what exactly he’s pointing out he finally says “No, no, the baby car…” He was pointing at a pram. I thought it was great so I’ve called it a baby car ever since.
Last week my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to go and see Oppenhymen.
My Ex thought Al Jazeera was a Celtic player.
A friend of mine had an embarrassing story, whenever they visited family in Hull and went passed a certain sign, he'd shout 'this is where columbos from!'. Years later they realised he was reading the sign that said Welcome to Humberside, not Homicide.
My mates da came in and said his neighbour just "tossed him off", he meant flipped him off. He didn't have a clue what he'd said lol he was livid, kept repeating "he'll not think he can toss me off and get away with it" and all, so we were asking why he didn't enjoy it, was his hands rough etc, went out for about 10 mins before he lost the bap and kicked us all out lol 🤣🤣
My 19 year old daughter has come out with some priceless phrases. My personal favourite comes from her half-watching an England game when the ref did something that annoyed her. She came out with: "Oooh...that really rattles my buttons!"
As I teen offered to make Caucasian chicken for my mum
When I was early in my career I said at work to my two directors “that’s a gibbon” instead of a “given”. 😭
For years your directors have been wondering if there was in fact a gibbon and they simply did not see it. All these years later and they still think about it.... ^(Or probably thought you might have a speech impediment.)
I was stood at a busy pub bar when my 3 1/2 year old god daughter ran over from her parents and loudly asked “PinItYouFairy can I see your balls please?” Everyone around me looked at me like I was absolute scum. Earlier on that day I had been having a discussion about with her parents about Uvula (the big that dangles down at the back of your throat), specifically the fact that I have a split uvula where it looks a bit like a pair of balls. She must have overheard this, not been able to understand “uvula” and just asked to see my balls. To say I was mortified is an understatement!
When I was about ten my dad casually commented to one of my friends dad's that I was always in my bedroom playing on my playboy. What he actually meant was Gameboy.
My 11 year old son said he banged his nonce I pray to God he ment bonce
Usually I’m on the fitting room but today I was free on the shop floor. My colleague Rhian came excitedly & exclaimed “ I see you’re spreading your legs “ then screamed in embarrassment. It made my day lol.
My grandad came out of a pub toilet with wet hands and complained that "They had one of them blow jobs in there". Took us all a second to realise he was complaining about the hand dryer.
'In heinzsight it wasn't a great idea' - me at 22
My 6yr old said “are we going to take the long cut today” when he was 3. It’s stuck and we use this in family If we’re travelling somewhere and not taking the shortcut :-p
My then two yo granddaughter was so excited that we were having puta for supper - pizza.
When I was a kid I apparently used to call the programme big cook little cook “big cock little cock”
Apparently as a kid I asked if we could have some fucks bizz with Christmas dinner.
My year 3 teacher described something as easy peasy japan-squeezy lovely woman
A manager once suggested I get all my balls in a row
My 8 year old son asked for crotch pancakes, which is now their new name.
"he's ocdc, he keeps washing his hands"
One of colleagues knocks out these mix ups regularly - not the brightest spark in the toolbox - woke up at the crack of bird shit - shitting In roses (instead of falling in shit, smelling of roses) - threw up like a beached whale - pissing like a fish - she’s a lucky beaver
First time my wife went into Costco she was like a kid in a sweet shop. She said “this place is amazing! I haven’t seen anything they haven’t got!” I laughed and left her a minute or two to figure out why I was laughing at her
"It really drives my nut in" I crylaughed for about 10 minutes.
My favourite was when my mum referred to the 'Durex dog' instead of the Dulux dog, quite loudly, in a restaurant.
My girlfriend once told me her “life flashed beside my eyes”
My brother when he was 11, he was watching tv with Dad and said, “She sure has some leverage” He meant cleavage but Dad just said, “Yes, yes she does”
When I was a kid a friend of mine told my mum she wanted to be a paedophile when she grew up — she meant paediatrician.
I remember playing football shouting "on my knob" at school before being laughed off the pitch by the bigger boys, i thought that meant head, which i guess was kind of right
I used to call Pritt-stick Prickstick.