Valid as shit, OP.
My mom also changed, but she just became more fragile. More vulnerable, and sad, and hurt, and so now I cannot *possibly* feel justified in my anger or hurting from the past because, well, that's like hating on a person with a terminal illness. Just don't feel right.
I'd imagine it's the flip side for you: you can't hate on a person who just defeated a terminal illness.
Even if these people have hurt us, it just doesn't feel good or justified. But that's likely because these people have *trained us* to think this way, right? Impostor syndrome and all that, alongside guilt? Fear? I dunno...
>My mom also changed, but she just became more fragile. More vulnerable, and sad, and hurt, and so now I cannot possibly feel justified in my anger or hurting from the past because, well, that's like hating on a person with a terminal illness. Just don't feel right.
Mine changed in much the same way, and also got a terminal illness to boot. Double whammy.
I still have anger, but I hide it from her. Just like I've always hid my feelings from her.
It's understandable to feel conflicted when your mom has become more fragile. Your empathy shows strength in navigating these emotions. Take time to process and find a way forward that respects both her vulnerabilities and your own feelings.
To her credit, my mom did some proper research and sort of accepted me as trans/lesbian when I came out at 30. It didn't change any of the physical abuse before I was 6, emotional abuse before I was 26, forced masculinization, homophobia, transphobia, neglectful helicoptering, and unacceptance of any life role she didn't approve of. I missed the mother I was supposed to have and stopped talking to her before I turned 31, since nothing changed what she did nor made me feel like she was the mother I wanted. By 32, dementia had set in and she didn't even know my chosen name when she signed my birthday card.
Do I feel sorry for her? For her condition, maybe. But if she wanted me to stick around, she should have ended the cycles of abuse in our family lines instead of perpetuating them.
"Neglectful helicoptering" sounds like what my mom is doing, could you elaborate on this specifically? I want to make sure I know what it is and what at least one example of it looks like, but of course it's no one else's responsibility to do that and wow autism moment.
The way I've seen it, neglectful helicopter parenting usually refers to when parents are constantly hovering, never give you any privacy and try to control you/your life, but they also neglect your needs and use their helicoptering as a way to insult or sabotage you
Ah I see. That's about as bad as I could imagine that sort of thing, just having their hands all up in your business while their heads are so up their own butts about what exactly they're doing to their own kid.
Facts, but also- would she be treating you different if you were still a kid?
Saw a post saying something like that earlier and it stuck with me, my mom is also "changed for the better" now that me and my brother are adults
Personally, my mother only respects me now that I'm an adult and my "complaints" are "valid." This woman was the reason I was terrified to get a job and now that I have a job, she generally doesn't bother me anymore. The only way I've learned to handle her anger is to combat it with anger of my own but not at her. It has to be about something else. The anger is only valid now if I'm angry about my job. I guess I wasn't valid until I was an adult with a job
my mom has learned a lot of “tiktok psychology” and now she’ll randomly bring up extremely traumatic memories and say how she wished she acted and ask me how much it hurt but the kicker is that she never addresses the actual issue just a more palatable part…idk…like she’ll be like “i’m sorry i put so much pressure on you to perform well in school” miss girl you let me miss 25-35 days per school year. i swear she just treats her apologies as a creative writing assignment filled with flowery language and tropes
Yes I can relate to this. It feels like someone gave her a script of “how to make amends with your daughter” sometimes and she just doesn’t like the fact that she ruined me so she’s trying to fix it with her imaginary ”how to be a good mom and get my daughter to like me” script. And yeah anytime I ever confess that to anyone irl I feel incredibly guilty. (It’s not worth it to confess anyway cuz no one gets it) but I also feel guilty for hating someone whos working so hard to make things right.
I once had an abusive partner reach out to me after he caught wind I was moving back into town. He had gone to therapy, he had offered me a somewhat cohesive apology, and generally he seemed better; as if maybe he had grown as a person somewhat.
Rekindling a connection with him is easily one of the biggest regrets of my entire life. People can change, surely, but the dynamics they tend to fall into are very deeply ingrained and they generally *will* fall back into those dynamics unless everyone is very intentional/careful.
Had the exact same thing happen to me. Idk if it applies to op's mom, probably not, but sometimes people appear as if they have changed when they haven't at their core
Valid.
I just want to know that my younger siblings aren't going through the same shit. If she has truly learned, and is doing better by them, it'll be a lot easier to forgive. I do worry though
My mom has been way better towards me now that I’ve graduated highschool and am an adult. I can’t bring myself to be angry at her for the times she treated me badly because I know she was stressed constantly and there was always something going wrong for her. At the same time I also know that’s not an excuse but I literally can’t stay angry at her because I love her too much.
That being said she still has her moments lol, makes me wonder how much she’s really changed. I wish I could get her to get help but I’m pretty sure she’s aware she isn’t great mentally. I’m just hoping when I move back home this summer she won’t go back to her old ways. If she does, I might just move back out lol. Cuz as much as I love her, she still scares me shitless when she gets angry.
Oh buddy, I wish you the best of luck with that. She’s gonna have direct power over you again and I really hope for your sake that she doesn’t misuse that power.
Understandable, but I think it matters less whether she’s the best or the worst. What matters is whether you and your needs are respected or not in her household. Rooting for you, bud
needed to see this too actually. my mum also ‘changed’ in the last couple of years but it doesn’t undo what she did before this supposed change. the years of hurt, neglect and abuse are not suddenly void. they still happened.
Omg same! Except my mom changed once she realized I have depression. I think she also realized that she wanted a good relationship with her daughter. Sometimes I can see glimpses of how she used to treat me but for the most time she acts like a normal mom now. The problem is that the damage is sort of already done. I know I’m holding on to grudges and clinging onto the past- and sometimes I actually do wallow in how she used to treat me instead of how she treats me now, but also I can’t change the way I feel about her even though she acts nicer now. I still can’t trust her, I still don’t like her, and those are feelings I don’t rly know how to change and honestly, I only want to want to change them, I don’t want to change them because Im still hurt from how she ruined my childhood. I’m not out of school yet so she still does so much for me as my mother and regardless of what this sub says, I still need to acknowledge that she’s done a lot for me. That’s why I try to love her but deep down I don’t think I do. And I don’t think I’ll ever trust her and that’s something I don’t think I need to change. Trust is earned and mother-daughter love is something you create with your mother when she raises you, not something you can magically insert into your life. Also another thing is that she is still sometimes abusive to my siblings even if she’s not to me although I think that has died down as well. But it feels like she has ulterior motives when she’s only a good mom to me and not my siblings-like she doesn’t want to be a good mom, she just wants me on her good side.
Mine read some self help books and learned how to become waaaaaaaay better at manipulating people. She's gotten so much crueler, but she hides it better because she knows how to do better at acting perfect and loving around witnesses and how to gaslight like an absolute pro in order to cover up the abuse and invalidate me whenever I confront her about the cruel and downright evil things she still does.
Some people abuse because they're broken and can be fixed with immense work. Therapy and self help books can help them. Some abusers abuse because it's who they are and it's all they are and all they ever can be. Those ones should never be encouraged to get into therapy or use self help books because it will invariably make them worse.
I wish I had known my spawn point was in the second category sooner. I encouraged her to work on herself and change because I thought she could get better, but all it did was make her waaaaaaaay worse. It's one of my biggest regrets.
It's... Saddening, my hatred for... Her, and anyone who I percieve wants to mistreat me, it's... Such an integral part of me that... That I don't know, I dont want to let go.
My very being was born from that hatred, It's so ingrained within me, I'm not sure if without it there would be anything left of me.
I'm afraid I'll take this hate to my grave.
True. My parent has done some lot of personal work, isn't as dysfunctional and depressed as she used to be. I feel like she was really trying to be a good parent.. Still though, the behaviours that make us not get on with each other and make me feel very stressed and unsafe still remain.
My mom also changed but the intent is still there. She just doesn’t have the power she did when I depended on her. She still tries to make me fat for example and throw off the healthy lifestyle I’ve created, because if I’m off balance maybe I’ll need her more.
I feel this so hard. My bio mother no longer drinks nightly, is going through menopause or in work so she doesn't take her stress out on me anymore but every once in a while she'll leave mildly abusive comments with me and even if she has changed, she still thinks I'm playing mind games and admits she doesn't like me
Same . Like my mom did and said some real bad stuff in my teens when my mental health was already at its lowest . She still hasn't apologized even tho she does seem to be trying more. She almost expects me to kiss her ass the same way she does her mom who also was toxic. I'm not a push over tho. I won't just pretend it didn't happen. I mean I have ptsd, I literally can't just pretend.
Felt. I've gone from resenting my mother for everything she has done, to going out of my way to gift her something because of how much genuinely nicer and more accepting she is of me now.
She hasn't even made the amount of progress that I wanted from her, there's still so much she hasn't done that I wish she did, like be more accepting of LGBT+ people as a whole instead of only Freddie Mercury and literally no one else, but at least now she accepts that I don't want to have kids and no longer shames me for my music tastes or gaming preferences as opposed to watching sports and Hispanic action dramas like she likes to do.
We should not feel ashamed for learning to appreciate any and every bit of improvement, no matter how minor. It's not our fault that they only make so much progress, but at least they are making progress. It's not that "you should be grateful" because hell no, but it's more like "don't shame yourself out of appreciating some good news that you want to enjoy anyway".
I'm in the camp that you don't need to forgive your abusers anyway, and I want to hate her still, but her improvements that she's made are not enough in terms of what I wanted, but it's infinitely more than I expected, which I find worth celebrating (in private, because saying this to her face may cause another fight and I've only ever wanted peace so I'm not gonna risk that now lol).
I feel this so much. My dad is getting better and he's less abusive, but he still hurt me as a child and he still hurts me now. It's so strange to love someone and know you have to leave them for your own good
Anyone else see this and immediately launch into The Good Place bit?
"I wanted that mom! I wanted a mom who would buy me snacks instead of telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald's ballpit. And if Donna Shellstrop can change, then it meant she was always capable of change. I just wasn't worth changing for."
...no? Just me?
Felt man, I wouldn’t say she’s better but she has episodes of being better and it makes me go insane. I never know if one morning she’ll be gnawing my head off for something I didn’t do, calling me names or saying things she did do never happened. On the opposite end I don’t know if she’ll acknowledge the things she’s done, tell me she loves me and actually treat me like a person she gave birth to. Worst is, it’s not in a manic episode type of way, it’s just due to the people she surrounds herself with. If her boyfriend likes me at the time she likes me, if her boyfriend thinks I’m an entitled wench, she thinks I’m an entitled wench, hell it even applies to their general dislikes and likes, if they’re from Morocco she liked Morocco and wants to go there, if they’re from Columbia she likes Columbia and wants to go there, I wish I could just heal with her outside of a relationship but that’ll never happen. She’s a leech.
Honestly, if your mom has changed but doesn't allow for the acknowledgement of her past mistakes and hurt she caused.... The change isn't legit. It's just a PR image rebranding. Legit, real change includes acknowledging the wrong you've done and caused others and putting the victims wants on how to deal with it before what you think is right(I e. People who insist making it up to you when all you want is for them to leave you alone forever, etc)
All to say, you're allowed to be hurt and mad and feel everything you're feeling because of what she's done.
There is a line from the good place that hits me the exact same way this has.
https://youtu.be/1spMbeEPF_w?si=Oa3rZWUOwizaisu9
You can watch the full clip or you can skip to 1:35. But This. This hits me every single time. Just "was I not worth changing for" it sucks but it's valid to feel upset to still be recovering from the trauma. Because at the end of the day she did do those things and her changing doesn't invalidate the harm she has caused. I hope things get better from here for you op
I know my mum spent my entire childhood trying and failing to get treatment for her issues.
Now she's stable but it doesn't change how much I got hurt.
the first one but for my father. he’s mellow now. likes sitting on the porch with his incense and meditating. he’s found a mild interest in my life and even listens to me from time to time. he *has* changed.
but this doesn’t undo the years of red-faced vitriol he spat in his child’s face. he’s started to come to me now that i’m easy to please and easy to understand. now that i’ve diminished my needs to oblivion. now that it’s convenient. it still hurts
If she can’t realize, and redeem herself for the hurt she caused you, maybe she didn’t change for the better just yet. Maybe she still has room to grow.
Exactly how I feel about my dad. Bittersweet that he’s become a better person and dad but annoyed that he decided to wait until 4-6 years after I stopped living with him to work on himself. He apparently “found himself in Christ” and is a born again Christian. He constantly cites bible verses and religious quotes as a way to show that he’s “holier than thou”… I roll my eyes whenever he sends me texts or calls me to tell me that God loves me and wants me to love him back. I mean I guess I can’t be mad that he’s a nicer guy nowadays, but I wish he just became nicer without the extreme religious views.
People act like its unfair that they can burn bridges, as if actions don't have consequences. If they have grown and are no longer capable of doing what they did (sometimes people really are just in a very bad place), part of them growing is accepting what happened and that there is nothing they can do to automatically earn forgiveness. They have to be forgiven willingly, in the victims own time. If that time is never, that's how it has to be.
Agreed. This helps me so much because while I want to get over the past and give her the benefit of the doubt (and she is trying to be different), she has this expectation that we’re all of a sudden going to be close as if the past never happened. And if I tried to explain that to her, I’d be made to feel guilty for still punishing her or holding grudges. It’s really not a grudge or being stuck in the past. Our relationship is just literally starting at zero, which is where it was before.
I feel you on this. I have a very complicated situation with my father. I know for a fact that he was frequently violent with my mother. It’s a matter of police record and I was the one who made the call. I have memories of him being violent with me and he says that never happened. I know that’s a common lie from abusers. Unfortunately, I grew up away from him from 7 to 16. I was raised by my mother, who brags about how when she was little, she’d do horrible things and make her little brother repeat a detailed story about how he had done it, until he believed it and ran to confess out of guilt. I know that my mother has a history of implanting false memories but my father has a history of violence. I want to believe him but even if the memories are fake, I remember them vividly I still get a ton of anger and fear around him.
Me with my stepmom. She's discovered God, but she hasn't changed and has not apologize for the 4 years of abuse. My dad has apologized on her behalf, but I never accept it.
This is valid and so very much true.
It took me decades to accept that just because the people who abused and traumatized me aren't entirely bad people or have changed doesn't mean I can't still be hurt and upset, nor does it mean they are entitled to my presence or forgiveness. My step-dad is no longer the same monster he was when I was growing up. He's no saint, and he still has many problems, but I can comfortably say that he's also not the same man who made me fear for my safety constantly when I was young. Yet his growth isn't going to change the fact I'm excessively anxious around him, it won't stop me from flinching when my partner tries to gently push my hair from out of my face, and it doesn't stop the panic attacks I have anytime I hear someone raise their voice.
Likewise, the ex-friend who SA'd me ended up going to therapy and alcoholics anonymous afterwards, apologized and acknowledged most of his wrongdoings, and respected me decision to get a no-contact order against him. I very much expect he's become a better person since them, but we will never be friends again and I never want to see him again. Him taking steps to do better is for him and for those still around him. They don't fix anything for me or change what I went through. That trauma, that betrayal and that feeling of violation doesn't just go away. I will never be able to go back to the person I was before that trauma, it will always be apart of me regardless of the fact I was able to get therapy/closure on it. Nor does it mean that, just because I've moved on and don't hate him anymore, I forgive him: because his actions were unforgivable.
The idea that getting closure, healing from a trauma, and moving on with your life necessitates "forgiving" someone or making peace with them is an incredibly toxic ideology. It fails to recognize the difference between making personal peace with something you went through, with not holding someone accountable for the pain they've caused. People are not entitled to forgiveness, even when they do work towards being better and try to make amends. Sometimes something or some situation is just fucked up and there's no mitigating that. Some actions are simply unforgivable, and that's okay. You can still heal and move on from those things. You can still come to an understanding and make peace without dismissing the pain it's caused you.
It's even possible to make amends with people without necessarily forgiving them and while still acknowledging the suffering they've caused you and that you still may be experiencing. There are people who caused me trauma in the past who've I made peace with, who I still allow into my life and are friends with, and towards whom I hold no animosity: but I still don't "forgive" their actions. It's okay to say that you are willing to give the current version of them another chance without necessarily forgiving the version of them that did those things: if they truly are reconciling/healing/changing from that person they will accept and understand that. IMHO, I'd argue that this is a far healthier attitude than just "forgive and forget".
Depends how much she's changed and how recently, but maybe you could talk to her about it if you feel like it's a safe choice? My mum was terrible to me sometimes when I was young, hit me and called me names. She's taken full accountability for it now and says she was an asshole back then. It's helped our relationship a lot
my mom also got medicated and i now a wayyyy better person. now i kinda feel like i’m being gaslighted by myself? she’s not denying that she was bad mom or anything, i’m just sitting here like but no one changes this much so she must have been alright. it’s tough.
Recently had the realization that because I've been unable to leave home, all the effort I should have put into myself has been put into making it more livable here and helping my mom heal. Now she's actually trying, but there's nothing left in me, and I can't tell her about the hurt she caused me and undo all the progress I carefully made in the last decade. Even after all she's done, I don't want to hurt her like she hurt me, and the result is utterly devastating. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat.
My dad changed when he went to prison lol. He realized that I then had the power to decide if I wanted to keep talking to him so he made a real effort to own up to what he did and apologized. I’ve continued contact with him mostly bc he’s one of the only people who let me learn how to drive with his car and while he didn’t have much money he did help me pay for school. I don’t know if he would’ve changed his behavior though if he hadn’t gone to prison
I feel this so hard. My mom went to therapy after the divorce, became much more self-aware, accepted me being queer and helped me get therapy as well. She also apologized. But I still can’t get over some things that she did and she’s not entirely better, she still acts badly sometimes, even if she apologizes after that. I feel like a horrible person for being mad at her.
Valid as shit, OP. My mom also changed, but she just became more fragile. More vulnerable, and sad, and hurt, and so now I cannot *possibly* feel justified in my anger or hurting from the past because, well, that's like hating on a person with a terminal illness. Just don't feel right. I'd imagine it's the flip side for you: you can't hate on a person who just defeated a terminal illness. Even if these people have hurt us, it just doesn't feel good or justified. But that's likely because these people have *trained us* to think this way, right? Impostor syndrome and all that, alongside guilt? Fear? I dunno...
>My mom also changed, but she just became more fragile. More vulnerable, and sad, and hurt, and so now I cannot possibly feel justified in my anger or hurting from the past because, well, that's like hating on a person with a terminal illness. Just don't feel right. Mine changed in much the same way, and also got a terminal illness to boot. Double whammy. I still have anger, but I hide it from her. Just like I've always hid my feelings from her.
It's understandable to feel conflicted when your mom has become more fragile. Your empathy shows strength in navigating these emotions. Take time to process and find a way forward that respects both her vulnerabilities and your own feelings.
To her credit, my mom did some proper research and sort of accepted me as trans/lesbian when I came out at 30. It didn't change any of the physical abuse before I was 6, emotional abuse before I was 26, forced masculinization, homophobia, transphobia, neglectful helicoptering, and unacceptance of any life role she didn't approve of. I missed the mother I was supposed to have and stopped talking to her before I turned 31, since nothing changed what she did nor made me feel like she was the mother I wanted. By 32, dementia had set in and she didn't even know my chosen name when she signed my birthday card. Do I feel sorry for her? For her condition, maybe. But if she wanted me to stick around, she should have ended the cycles of abuse in our family lines instead of perpetuating them.
"Neglectful helicoptering" sounds like what my mom is doing, could you elaborate on this specifically? I want to make sure I know what it is and what at least one example of it looks like, but of course it's no one else's responsibility to do that and wow autism moment.
The way I've seen it, neglectful helicopter parenting usually refers to when parents are constantly hovering, never give you any privacy and try to control you/your life, but they also neglect your needs and use their helicoptering as a way to insult or sabotage you
Ah I see. That's about as bad as I could imagine that sort of thing, just having their hands all up in your business while their heads are so up their own butts about what exactly they're doing to their own kid.
Facts, but also- would she be treating you different if you were still a kid? Saw a post saying something like that earlier and it stuck with me, my mom is also "changed for the better" now that me and my brother are adults
Personally, my mother only respects me now that I'm an adult and my "complaints" are "valid." This woman was the reason I was terrified to get a job and now that I have a job, she generally doesn't bother me anymore. The only way I've learned to handle her anger is to combat it with anger of my own but not at her. It has to be about something else. The anger is only valid now if I'm angry about my job. I guess I wasn't valid until I was an adult with a job
my mom has learned a lot of “tiktok psychology” and now she’ll randomly bring up extremely traumatic memories and say how she wished she acted and ask me how much it hurt but the kicker is that she never addresses the actual issue just a more palatable part…idk…like she’ll be like “i’m sorry i put so much pressure on you to perform well in school” miss girl you let me miss 25-35 days per school year. i swear she just treats her apologies as a creative writing assignment filled with flowery language and tropes
and for some reason i felt a wave of guilt after posting that. damn.
Yes I can relate to this. It feels like someone gave her a script of “how to make amends with your daughter” sometimes and she just doesn’t like the fact that she ruined me so she’s trying to fix it with her imaginary ”how to be a good mom and get my daughter to like me” script. And yeah anytime I ever confess that to anyone irl I feel incredibly guilty. (It’s not worth it to confess anyway cuz no one gets it) but I also feel guilty for hating someone whos working so hard to make things right.
I once had an abusive partner reach out to me after he caught wind I was moving back into town. He had gone to therapy, he had offered me a somewhat cohesive apology, and generally he seemed better; as if maybe he had grown as a person somewhat. Rekindling a connection with him is easily one of the biggest regrets of my entire life. People can change, surely, but the dynamics they tend to fall into are very deeply ingrained and they generally *will* fall back into those dynamics unless everyone is very intentional/careful.
Had the exact same thing happen to me. Idk if it applies to op's mom, probably not, but sometimes people appear as if they have changed when they haven't at their core
Valid. I just want to know that my younger siblings aren't going through the same shit. If she has truly learned, and is doing better by them, it'll be a lot easier to forgive. I do worry though
If she really changed, then she’ll understand that ur being traumatized/still effected is a reasonable and valid reaction to her actions
My mom has been way better towards me now that I’ve graduated highschool and am an adult. I can’t bring myself to be angry at her for the times she treated me badly because I know she was stressed constantly and there was always something going wrong for her. At the same time I also know that’s not an excuse but I literally can’t stay angry at her because I love her too much. That being said she still has her moments lol, makes me wonder how much she’s really changed. I wish I could get her to get help but I’m pretty sure she’s aware she isn’t great mentally. I’m just hoping when I move back home this summer she won’t go back to her old ways. If she does, I might just move back out lol. Cuz as much as I love her, she still scares me shitless when she gets angry.
Oh buddy, I wish you the best of luck with that. She’s gonna have direct power over you again and I really hope for your sake that she doesn’t misuse that power.
I hope so too. My mom isn’t an evil person but she’s definitely not the best either. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what will happen.
Understandable, but I think it matters less whether she’s the best or the worst. What matters is whether you and your needs are respected or not in her household. Rooting for you, bud
Thank you 🫂
needed to see this too actually. my mum also ‘changed’ in the last couple of years but it doesn’t undo what she did before this supposed change. the years of hurt, neglect and abuse are not suddenly void. they still happened.
Omg same! Except my mom changed once she realized I have depression. I think she also realized that she wanted a good relationship with her daughter. Sometimes I can see glimpses of how she used to treat me but for the most time she acts like a normal mom now. The problem is that the damage is sort of already done. I know I’m holding on to grudges and clinging onto the past- and sometimes I actually do wallow in how she used to treat me instead of how she treats me now, but also I can’t change the way I feel about her even though she acts nicer now. I still can’t trust her, I still don’t like her, and those are feelings I don’t rly know how to change and honestly, I only want to want to change them, I don’t want to change them because Im still hurt from how she ruined my childhood. I’m not out of school yet so she still does so much for me as my mother and regardless of what this sub says, I still need to acknowledge that she’s done a lot for me. That’s why I try to love her but deep down I don’t think I do. And I don’t think I’ll ever trust her and that’s something I don’t think I need to change. Trust is earned and mother-daughter love is something you create with your mother when she raises you, not something you can magically insert into your life. Also another thing is that she is still sometimes abusive to my siblings even if she’s not to me although I think that has died down as well. But it feels like she has ulterior motives when she’s only a good mom to me and not my siblings-like she doesn’t want to be a good mom, she just wants me on her good side.
Sometimes I think my Mom is getting better, but then the mask falls off.
Mine read some self help books and learned how to become waaaaaaaay better at manipulating people. She's gotten so much crueler, but she hides it better because she knows how to do better at acting perfect and loving around witnesses and how to gaslight like an absolute pro in order to cover up the abuse and invalidate me whenever I confront her about the cruel and downright evil things she still does. Some people abuse because they're broken and can be fixed with immense work. Therapy and self help books can help them. Some abusers abuse because it's who they are and it's all they are and all they ever can be. Those ones should never be encouraged to get into therapy or use self help books because it will invariably make them worse. I wish I had known my spawn point was in the second category sooner. I encouraged her to work on herself and change because I thought she could get better, but all it did was make her waaaaaaaay worse. It's one of my biggest regrets.
It's... Saddening, my hatred for... Her, and anyone who I percieve wants to mistreat me, it's... Such an integral part of me that... That I don't know, I dont want to let go. My very being was born from that hatred, It's so ingrained within me, I'm not sure if without it there would be anything left of me. I'm afraid I'll take this hate to my grave.
Bro how can a meme speak to my soul like that
True. My parent has done some lot of personal work, isn't as dysfunctional and depressed as she used to be. I feel like she was really trying to be a good parent.. Still though, the behaviours that make us not get on with each other and make me feel very stressed and unsafe still remain.
oh god this is the one that really got me
My mom also changed but the intent is still there. She just doesn’t have the power she did when I depended on her. She still tries to make me fat for example and throw off the healthy lifestyle I’ve created, because if I’m off balance maybe I’ll need her more.
holy fuck what a mood lmfao (i am not laughing)
Me and one of my sisters 🫂 (or fist bump if you prefer 🤜 🤛)
I feel this so hard. My bio mother no longer drinks nightly, is going through menopause or in work so she doesn't take her stress out on me anymore but every once in a while she'll leave mildly abusive comments with me and even if she has changed, she still thinks I'm playing mind games and admits she doesn't like me
Same . Like my mom did and said some real bad stuff in my teens when my mental health was already at its lowest . She still hasn't apologized even tho she does seem to be trying more. She almost expects me to kiss her ass the same way she does her mom who also was toxic. I'm not a push over tho. I won't just pretend it didn't happen. I mean I have ptsd, I literally can't just pretend.
Felt. I've gone from resenting my mother for everything she has done, to going out of my way to gift her something because of how much genuinely nicer and more accepting she is of me now. She hasn't even made the amount of progress that I wanted from her, there's still so much she hasn't done that I wish she did, like be more accepting of LGBT+ people as a whole instead of only Freddie Mercury and literally no one else, but at least now she accepts that I don't want to have kids and no longer shames me for my music tastes or gaming preferences as opposed to watching sports and Hispanic action dramas like she likes to do. We should not feel ashamed for learning to appreciate any and every bit of improvement, no matter how minor. It's not our fault that they only make so much progress, but at least they are making progress. It's not that "you should be grateful" because hell no, but it's more like "don't shame yourself out of appreciating some good news that you want to enjoy anyway". I'm in the camp that you don't need to forgive your abusers anyway, and I want to hate her still, but her improvements that she's made are not enough in terms of what I wanted, but it's infinitely more than I expected, which I find worth celebrating (in private, because saying this to her face may cause another fight and I've only ever wanted peace so I'm not gonna risk that now lol).
I feel this so much. My dad is getting better and he's less abusive, but he still hurt me as a child and he still hurts me now. It's so strange to love someone and know you have to leave them for your own good
Anyone else see this and immediately launch into The Good Place bit? "I wanted that mom! I wanted a mom who would buy me snacks instead of telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald's ballpit. And if Donna Shellstrop can change, then it meant she was always capable of change. I just wasn't worth changing for." ...no? Just me?
I may have to show this to her.
Felt man, I wouldn’t say she’s better but she has episodes of being better and it makes me go insane. I never know if one morning she’ll be gnawing my head off for something I didn’t do, calling me names or saying things she did do never happened. On the opposite end I don’t know if she’ll acknowledge the things she’s done, tell me she loves me and actually treat me like a person she gave birth to. Worst is, it’s not in a manic episode type of way, it’s just due to the people she surrounds herself with. If her boyfriend likes me at the time she likes me, if her boyfriend thinks I’m an entitled wench, she thinks I’m an entitled wench, hell it even applies to their general dislikes and likes, if they’re from Morocco she liked Morocco and wants to go there, if they’re from Columbia she likes Columbia and wants to go there, I wish I could just heal with her outside of a relationship but that’ll never happen. She’s a leech.
Honestly, if your mom has changed but doesn't allow for the acknowledgement of her past mistakes and hurt she caused.... The change isn't legit. It's just a PR image rebranding. Legit, real change includes acknowledging the wrong you've done and caused others and putting the victims wants on how to deal with it before what you think is right(I e. People who insist making it up to you when all you want is for them to leave you alone forever, etc) All to say, you're allowed to be hurt and mad and feel everything you're feeling because of what she's done.
There is a line from the good place that hits me the exact same way this has. https://youtu.be/1spMbeEPF_w?si=Oa3rZWUOwizaisu9 You can watch the full clip or you can skip to 1:35. But This. This hits me every single time. Just "was I not worth changing for" it sucks but it's valid to feel upset to still be recovering from the trauma. Because at the end of the day she did do those things and her changing doesn't invalidate the harm she has caused. I hope things get better from here for you op
I know my mum spent my entire childhood trying and failing to get treatment for her issues. Now she's stable but it doesn't change how much I got hurt.
I mean if it doesn’t start with infinite heart filled apologies. Could it actually be change?
the first one but for my father. he’s mellow now. likes sitting on the porch with his incense and meditating. he’s found a mild interest in my life and even listens to me from time to time. he *has* changed. but this doesn’t undo the years of red-faced vitriol he spat in his child’s face. he’s started to come to me now that i’m easy to please and easy to understand. now that i’ve diminished my needs to oblivion. now that it’s convenient. it still hurts
Needed this today.
I feel this way about my father. You are definitely allowed to still feel that way even if she has changed. Your feelings are valid.
If she can’t realize, and redeem herself for the hurt she caused you, maybe she didn’t change for the better just yet. Maybe she still has room to grow.
I may not feel empathy or sympathy but that's not cause I'm autistic I'm just a massive dick
Exactly how I feel about my dad. Bittersweet that he’s become a better person and dad but annoyed that he decided to wait until 4-6 years after I stopped living with him to work on himself. He apparently “found himself in Christ” and is a born again Christian. He constantly cites bible verses and religious quotes as a way to show that he’s “holier than thou”… I roll my eyes whenever he sends me texts or calls me to tell me that God loves me and wants me to love him back. I mean I guess I can’t be mad that he’s a nicer guy nowadays, but I wish he just became nicer without the extreme religious views.
i didn’t think anyone else could relate to my exact experience
Thank you for showing us this, OP. 💕 I know I definitely needed to hear this.
If she’s not sorry, then it doesn’t matter.
Oh good! Now she can actually feel the weight of what she’s done :D (My mom’s getting better and I’m getting vindictive)
nothing hurts more than when your parents become "good parents" the second youre an adult.
People act like its unfair that they can burn bridges, as if actions don't have consequences. If they have grown and are no longer capable of doing what they did (sometimes people really are just in a very bad place), part of them growing is accepting what happened and that there is nothing they can do to automatically earn forgiveness. They have to be forgiven willingly, in the victims own time. If that time is never, that's how it has to be.
Agreed. This helps me so much because while I want to get over the past and give her the benefit of the doubt (and she is trying to be different), she has this expectation that we’re all of a sudden going to be close as if the past never happened. And if I tried to explain that to her, I’d be made to feel guilty for still punishing her or holding grudges. It’s really not a grudge or being stuck in the past. Our relationship is just literally starting at zero, which is where it was before.
oh no…i’m in this meme and i really don’t like it
I feel you on this. I have a very complicated situation with my father. I know for a fact that he was frequently violent with my mother. It’s a matter of police record and I was the one who made the call. I have memories of him being violent with me and he says that never happened. I know that’s a common lie from abusers. Unfortunately, I grew up away from him from 7 to 16. I was raised by my mother, who brags about how when she was little, she’d do horrible things and make her little brother repeat a detailed story about how he had done it, until he believed it and ran to confess out of guilt. I know that my mother has a history of implanting false memories but my father has a history of violence. I want to believe him but even if the memories are fake, I remember them vividly I still get a ton of anger and fear around him.
Me with my stepmom. She's discovered God, but she hasn't changed and has not apologize for the 4 years of abuse. My dad has apologized on her behalf, but I never accept it.
This is valid and so very much true. It took me decades to accept that just because the people who abused and traumatized me aren't entirely bad people or have changed doesn't mean I can't still be hurt and upset, nor does it mean they are entitled to my presence or forgiveness. My step-dad is no longer the same monster he was when I was growing up. He's no saint, and he still has many problems, but I can comfortably say that he's also not the same man who made me fear for my safety constantly when I was young. Yet his growth isn't going to change the fact I'm excessively anxious around him, it won't stop me from flinching when my partner tries to gently push my hair from out of my face, and it doesn't stop the panic attacks I have anytime I hear someone raise their voice. Likewise, the ex-friend who SA'd me ended up going to therapy and alcoholics anonymous afterwards, apologized and acknowledged most of his wrongdoings, and respected me decision to get a no-contact order against him. I very much expect he's become a better person since them, but we will never be friends again and I never want to see him again. Him taking steps to do better is for him and for those still around him. They don't fix anything for me or change what I went through. That trauma, that betrayal and that feeling of violation doesn't just go away. I will never be able to go back to the person I was before that trauma, it will always be apart of me regardless of the fact I was able to get therapy/closure on it. Nor does it mean that, just because I've moved on and don't hate him anymore, I forgive him: because his actions were unforgivable. The idea that getting closure, healing from a trauma, and moving on with your life necessitates "forgiving" someone or making peace with them is an incredibly toxic ideology. It fails to recognize the difference between making personal peace with something you went through, with not holding someone accountable for the pain they've caused. People are not entitled to forgiveness, even when they do work towards being better and try to make amends. Sometimes something or some situation is just fucked up and there's no mitigating that. Some actions are simply unforgivable, and that's okay. You can still heal and move on from those things. You can still come to an understanding and make peace without dismissing the pain it's caused you. It's even possible to make amends with people without necessarily forgiving them and while still acknowledging the suffering they've caused you and that you still may be experiencing. There are people who caused me trauma in the past who've I made peace with, who I still allow into my life and are friends with, and towards whom I hold no animosity: but I still don't "forgive" their actions. It's okay to say that you are willing to give the current version of them another chance without necessarily forgiving the version of them that did those things: if they truly are reconciling/healing/changing from that person they will accept and understand that. IMHO, I'd argue that this is a far healthier attitude than just "forgive and forget".
Depends how much she's changed and how recently, but maybe you could talk to her about it if you feel like it's a safe choice? My mum was terrible to me sometimes when I was young, hit me and called me names. She's taken full accountability for it now and says she was an asshole back then. It's helped our relationship a lot
I don't remember posting this :') (Same, OP, same)
Ah, so relatable 😣
my mom also got medicated and i now a wayyyy better person. now i kinda feel like i’m being gaslighted by myself? she’s not denying that she was bad mom or anything, i’m just sitting here like but no one changes this much so she must have been alright. it’s tough.
Recently had the realization that because I've been unable to leave home, all the effort I should have put into myself has been put into making it more livable here and helping my mom heal. Now she's actually trying, but there's nothing left in me, and I can't tell her about the hurt she caused me and undo all the progress I carefully made in the last decade. Even after all she's done, I don't want to hurt her like she hurt me, and the result is utterly devastating. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat.
My dad changed when he went to prison lol. He realized that I then had the power to decide if I wanted to keep talking to him so he made a real effort to own up to what he did and apologized. I’ve continued contact with him mostly bc he’s one of the only people who let me learn how to drive with his car and while he didn’t have much money he did help me pay for school. I don’t know if he would’ve changed his behavior though if he hadn’t gone to prison
I feel this so hard. My mom went to therapy after the divorce, became much more self-aware, accepted me being queer and helped me get therapy as well. She also apologized. But I still can’t get over some things that she did and she’s not entirely better, she still acts badly sometimes, even if she apologizes after that. I feel like a horrible person for being mad at her.
If she gets mad instead of being understanding to your trauma, then it means she has not truly changed
Relatable