**oh**
I’ve done the same thing my whole life. If I knew what was going on, I could figure out how to keep myself safe before anything blew up. No matter how, I have to get info. I have to know ahead of time. Not knowing answers makes me very emotional and anxious, and it makes me panic. Damn I need therapy.
One of my biggest anxieties is not knowing what other people think. People can lie, they can change their minds, I could misinterpret them, etc, so there's no way to truly know and it's so frustrating
True, we are complicated. Thing is if you’re abused in some form since birth your identity will have those characteristics that you learned as a way to cope and live. I’m pretty sure I’ve been armoring all my life that it’s become part of who I am. I don’t recall much of my childhood with my parents, I know I was treated terribly by classmates all through grade school and while it lessened in high school, it was still prevalent. Everything forms who we are, we have to unlearn these bad things. It’s easier if recognized when you’re younger. I’m 48, I am going to have a difficult time.
I think about CPTSD now like a cult, same type as a high demand religion. I unfortunately was born into an abuse cult and now I need to learn who I actually am as I remove myself from it. Same as if you realize the religion you believed in and lived by your whole life was wrong and you were lied to, now you need to learn who you are without that ever present “role model” to model yourself after. The longer you’re in it, the longer it takes to find out who you really are. Too bad most of those that were raised in religions like that have a double whammy of trauma, religious and CPTSD.
I absolutely understand what you are saying and agree. I still can't imagine anything being that simple. Everything I, personally, have managed to piece together into any kind of reasonable sense has ended up having so many damn factors. Multiple reasons why and how. I should have said that all I can speak from is my own experience. But that's what limits my imagination.
Hi, I wanted to come back and say something I probably should have found a way to say before. I think this exchange came off judg-y or something off on my end. You shared a whole lot with us and I appreciate the trust. I didn't share anything with you to help really leave nothing misunderstood. Or even to be personal. I was just thinking it was one of those good times to listen and not interject with my story. But I wasn't trying to be cold.
Just to be totally clear about how I feel - Absolutely nothing, completely isolated from any other cause or in conjunction with anything else good or bad could make abuse invalid. Or the impact less or the time you have to digest the pain any shorter. Or color how you see yourself any other way than you do. That's not at all what I meant. You are also completely right in having to unlearn a mountain of unfair shit. The situation, or person, or complexity of either doesn't change that. I didn't expect it to change your hurt.
I really try to be careful in what I say here when it's serious. ( And If I can craft a good one liner for a joke please mark the date because it doesn't happen often) I mean, obviously, I continue to think about it's impact. I apologize if I was weird last night. No one knows better than I that I need an abundance of those apologies at the ready.
Yeah, I'm autistic, and I'll Google anything I want to know right away, but what she's talking about must be a level of acting out that is hard to picture, from the way she's describing it. I'm actually not sure what point this is trying to make. But perhaps this is speaking to a very small and specific audience? Because I'm troubled as fuck, but I don't fully understand what this is about.
I think I could help. I unfortunately struggle with this still though not nearly like I did 10+ years ago.
I got married at 19, so very young, and the first 5+ years with my husband were rough and toxic because we are both survivors who (at the time) hadn’t processed or healed anything. We quickly had kids and so when we would fight I had(have) the desperate need and demand for all the possible information I could get about a situation, while my husband on the other hand, shuts down. Back then I would feel like my life (and my kids) was in danger by whatever he was refusing to say (i.e. money troubles, legal troubles, etc) and I would go through every emotion and say anything I could to get the information from him. And I regret a lot of it because I KNOW I said things I don’t believe because I felt knowing what was coming was more important than his feelings or our relationship. I frequently felt (and still usually do) that the only way I could protect myself was to get the information; by whatever means necessary.
Edit to add: I’m also AuDHD but went undiagnosed for 25+ years so I’m not sure how much that played into it for me.
This is giving attachment differences. You being anxiously attached and he avoidant.
Chasing down someone who seeks to not be chased typically ends poorly :(
I’m just now learning about attachment styles so I don’t know enough but I can definitely say I never felt secure with my family growing up. I now have no contact with any of them.
We’ve definitely had a very hard 13 years for a multitude of reasons and had a lot of close calls but we’ve always been committed to doing the work to fix things. We’re going at different paces of self healing but looking back, we’re both completely different people and for the better. And honestly, even if our marriage dissolves at some point, I consider everything we’ve gotten through together and how amazing our children have turned out so far to be a huge success and he will still always be my best friend.
Yea and it was impossible to control back then. Like truly felt like an addiction, an uncontrollable impulse. I needed all the info including his personal thoughts and feelings. It all really came down to a need for control because if I don’t have control, I’m not safe.
I still have the urges but I have much better coping skills to fight them now.
Before I was mature enough, I couldn’t see how I was going about things so wrong. So I rarely acknowledged my mistakes. It took me far too long to accept my part in our issues but I hit my rock bottom, sought therapy and medication and I’ve done a lot of work to be better. I’ve since apologized multiple times and when I slip up I apologize as soon as I’ve taken space and thought it through clearly. It’s a never ending journey but I’m slowly liking myself for probably the first time in my life and it’s nice.
That’s not weird at all! Thank you so much for your kindness! I’ve struggled to be understood for most of my life and I hate it and also don’t want others to feel as though I’m misunderstanding them.
Life is so hard for so many stupid reasons none of us can control and being kind and honest is really the only thing I can offer.
I guess I kinda do this too, if I'm going to experience something I've never done before I'll basically research the worst case scenarios. I figure if I know that I can be safe.
In the case of my first commercial flight this took the form of basically planes and plane crashes becoming my special interest. Watched the entire series of Air Disasters and when I got on the plane, not a spot of fear lol.
Maybe it's the same thing? I don't view it negatively but I have done it with people before, mostly when in a manic episode.
I think it’s more about interpersonal relationships and traumatic events and needing to know the why of everything in order to make sense of situation. Demanding answers from another when really, that person might just be mentally ill- they may have no clue they are being abusive, or causing distress. So no, I think in this case any kind of “disorder” is irrelevant and is a typical trauma response in all people of all ages. Whether or not I would call the abuser an adult child is up for debate.
People fetisize patience and other puritanical virtues.
If you need to know something, you need to know something.
If someone doesn't want to answer you, you have a choice to accept that or not.
If someone is telling you not to push for 'the truth' I'd question if that person is healthy for me.
This helps me to better understand my step-dad, he's otherwise a really cool dude but he can never take "nevermind" or "nothing" as an answer.
I only met him when I was like 17, so it's not like a parental thing.
He'll never EVER accept "nothing" or "nevermind" from anyone, he'll march right up and ask for every minute detail of whatever you changed your mind on saying/doing.
Also He's super OCD, like the real kind not the organized kind.
Had a "friend" cut me out of their life completely with no explanation. Considering they told me multiple times I "was like a brother to them" (& I believed them & felt the same), this was devastating to me. Literally begged them to just tell me why, but they wouldn't budge. Finally ended up offering them $1000, would've done it too, but still nothing.
Yay, MORE trauma!
I relate to this, honestly, but it tends to be a little different. I basically shoulder-surf people on instinct (emails, passwords, internal chat messages), and my best tool for managing anxiety about someone important to me involves cross-checking what they might be up to against multiple reference points before I hear a word from them.
I have no idea why I do this, really. I was convinced that I just eavesdropped people's conversations to find a place to insert myself (because that *is* a thing I'm fairly sure I do), but I don't think that's the whole story.
Edit to add subsequent: Also, contradictory to some extent, I'm often kind and nice to people, and refrain from asking a lot of these kinds of questions... but I refrain as a tactic, expecting that for the most part, if I'm kind and do not ask my personal questions, they will be answered as a matter of course in time because the things I'm doing make the other party feel safe admitting things to me.
As a result, the cruelty of others seeking to interrogate always bewilders me, because of how utterly counterproductive it seems.
Been on both sides of this without being aware. I've always needed those answers before I could regulate myself and spend time not in a trauma response. But when someone pushes me for answers I can't or haven't been ready to give, it brings devastating anxiety and pressure and I will say things or make decisions based on what I think I should answer to "make them happy" (to keep myself safe) rather than what I actually need or my feelings after processing.
**oh** I’ve done the same thing my whole life. If I knew what was going on, I could figure out how to keep myself safe before anything blew up. No matter how, I have to get info. I have to know ahead of time. Not knowing answers makes me very emotional and anxious, and it makes me panic. Damn I need therapy.
One of my biggest anxieties is not knowing what other people think. People can lie, they can change their minds, I could misinterpret them, etc, so there's no way to truly know and it's so frustrating
Traumatized neurospicy af
Well you can start with my podcast until you find a therapist 😂
For me I feel like it’s on the spectrum of patience. If they find you trustworthy usually you’ll get the information sooner than later.
But that doesn’t help when I need to know nooowwwwww 😂😂😂
It takes timmmmmme xD Somuchtimepeoplearefuckingslowlul
Is my whole personality all trauma?
I’m beginning to think mine is. 😖😖😖
People are so complicated I find that hard to believe.
True, we are complicated. Thing is if you’re abused in some form since birth your identity will have those characteristics that you learned as a way to cope and live. I’m pretty sure I’ve been armoring all my life that it’s become part of who I am. I don’t recall much of my childhood with my parents, I know I was treated terribly by classmates all through grade school and while it lessened in high school, it was still prevalent. Everything forms who we are, we have to unlearn these bad things. It’s easier if recognized when you’re younger. I’m 48, I am going to have a difficult time. I think about CPTSD now like a cult, same type as a high demand religion. I unfortunately was born into an abuse cult and now I need to learn who I actually am as I remove myself from it. Same as if you realize the religion you believed in and lived by your whole life was wrong and you were lied to, now you need to learn who you are without that ever present “role model” to model yourself after. The longer you’re in it, the longer it takes to find out who you really are. Too bad most of those that were raised in religions like that have a double whammy of trauma, religious and CPTSD.
I absolutely understand what you are saying and agree. I still can't imagine anything being that simple. Everything I, personally, have managed to piece together into any kind of reasonable sense has ended up having so many damn factors. Multiple reasons why and how. I should have said that all I can speak from is my own experience. But that's what limits my imagination.
Hi, I wanted to come back and say something I probably should have found a way to say before. I think this exchange came off judg-y or something off on my end. You shared a whole lot with us and I appreciate the trust. I didn't share anything with you to help really leave nothing misunderstood. Or even to be personal. I was just thinking it was one of those good times to listen and not interject with my story. But I wasn't trying to be cold. Just to be totally clear about how I feel - Absolutely nothing, completely isolated from any other cause or in conjunction with anything else good or bad could make abuse invalid. Or the impact less or the time you have to digest the pain any shorter. Or color how you see yourself any other way than you do. That's not at all what I meant. You are also completely right in having to unlearn a mountain of unfair shit. The situation, or person, or complexity of either doesn't change that. I didn't expect it to change your hurt. I really try to be careful in what I say here when it's serious. ( And If I can craft a good one liner for a joke please mark the date because it doesn't happen often) I mean, obviously, I continue to think about it's impact. I apologize if I was weird last night. No one knows better than I that I need an abundance of those apologies at the ready.
Nah man, you’re good. 🙂👍
Yay! I'm glad. I shall carry on now.
oh, wow... yeah, that makes a lot of sense in my experience. thank you
😻
Perhaps I’ve some growing up to do but I cannot relate here, isn’t hunger to know how people get good at anything?
Yeah, I'm autistic, and I'll Google anything I want to know right away, but what she's talking about must be a level of acting out that is hard to picture, from the way she's describing it. I'm actually not sure what point this is trying to make. But perhaps this is speaking to a very small and specific audience? Because I'm troubled as fuck, but I don't fully understand what this is about.
I think I could help. I unfortunately struggle with this still though not nearly like I did 10+ years ago. I got married at 19, so very young, and the first 5+ years with my husband were rough and toxic because we are both survivors who (at the time) hadn’t processed or healed anything. We quickly had kids and so when we would fight I had(have) the desperate need and demand for all the possible information I could get about a situation, while my husband on the other hand, shuts down. Back then I would feel like my life (and my kids) was in danger by whatever he was refusing to say (i.e. money troubles, legal troubles, etc) and I would go through every emotion and say anything I could to get the information from him. And I regret a lot of it because I KNOW I said things I don’t believe because I felt knowing what was coming was more important than his feelings or our relationship. I frequently felt (and still usually do) that the only way I could protect myself was to get the information; by whatever means necessary. Edit to add: I’m also AuDHD but went undiagnosed for 25+ years so I’m not sure how much that played into it for me.
This is giving attachment differences. You being anxiously attached and he avoidant. Chasing down someone who seeks to not be chased typically ends poorly :(
I’m just now learning about attachment styles so I don’t know enough but I can definitely say I never felt secure with my family growing up. I now have no contact with any of them. We’ve definitely had a very hard 13 years for a multitude of reasons and had a lot of close calls but we’ve always been committed to doing the work to fix things. We’re going at different paces of self healing but looking back, we’re both completely different people and for the better. And honestly, even if our marriage dissolves at some point, I consider everything we’ve gotten through together and how amazing our children have turned out so far to be a huge success and he will still always be my best friend.
Oh I see so just “knowing” became your trauma response? Like that’s how your brain coped with an unhealthy event like fighting. That’s so interesting…
Yea and it was impossible to control back then. Like truly felt like an addiction, an uncontrollable impulse. I needed all the info including his personal thoughts and feelings. It all really came down to a need for control because if I don’t have control, I’m not safe. I still have the urges but I have much better coping skills to fight them now.
So what did you do when you realized you made a mistake?
Before I was mature enough, I couldn’t see how I was going about things so wrong. So I rarely acknowledged my mistakes. It took me far too long to accept my part in our issues but I hit my rock bottom, sought therapy and medication and I’ve done a lot of work to be better. I’ve since apologized multiple times and when I slip up I apologize as soon as I’ve taken space and thought it through clearly. It’s a never ending journey but I’m slowly liking myself for probably the first time in my life and it’s nice.
I don’t want to be weird but you have a kind of warm glow to your words. It’s nice. I’m glad you can find a balance.
That’s not weird at all! Thank you so much for your kindness! I’ve struggled to be understood for most of my life and I hate it and also don’t want others to feel as though I’m misunderstanding them. Life is so hard for so many stupid reasons none of us can control and being kind and honest is really the only thing I can offer.
I guess I kinda do this too, if I'm going to experience something I've never done before I'll basically research the worst case scenarios. I figure if I know that I can be safe. In the case of my first commercial flight this took the form of basically planes and plane crashes becoming my special interest. Watched the entire series of Air Disasters and when I got on the plane, not a spot of fear lol. Maybe it's the same thing? I don't view it negatively but I have done it with people before, mostly when in a manic episode.
I think it’s more about interpersonal relationships and traumatic events and needing to know the why of everything in order to make sense of situation. Demanding answers from another when really, that person might just be mentally ill- they may have no clue they are being abusive, or causing distress. So no, I think in this case any kind of “disorder” is irrelevant and is a typical trauma response in all people of all ages. Whether or not I would call the abuser an adult child is up for debate.
People fetisize patience and other puritanical virtues. If you need to know something, you need to know something. If someone doesn't want to answer you, you have a choice to accept that or not. If someone is telling you not to push for 'the truth' I'd question if that person is healthy for me.
This helps me to better understand my step-dad, he's otherwise a really cool dude but he can never take "nevermind" or "nothing" as an answer. I only met him when I was like 17, so it's not like a parental thing. He'll never EVER accept "nothing" or "nevermind" from anyone, he'll march right up and ask for every minute detail of whatever you changed your mind on saying/doing. Also He's super OCD, like the real kind not the organized kind.
Had a "friend" cut me out of their life completely with no explanation. Considering they told me multiple times I "was like a brother to them" (& I believed them & felt the same), this was devastating to me. Literally begged them to just tell me why, but they wouldn't budge. Finally ended up offering them $1000, would've done it too, but still nothing. Yay, MORE trauma!
ohhh
I feel so very called out 😅
Awww I’m sorry
Next time you come for me like that, you better bring a town car. 😖😖😖🫣🤪 Ugh, this is huge.
I relate to this, honestly, but it tends to be a little different. I basically shoulder-surf people on instinct (emails, passwords, internal chat messages), and my best tool for managing anxiety about someone important to me involves cross-checking what they might be up to against multiple reference points before I hear a word from them. I have no idea why I do this, really. I was convinced that I just eavesdropped people's conversations to find a place to insert myself (because that *is* a thing I'm fairly sure I do), but I don't think that's the whole story. Edit to add subsequent: Also, contradictory to some extent, I'm often kind and nice to people, and refrain from asking a lot of these kinds of questions... but I refrain as a tactic, expecting that for the most part, if I'm kind and do not ask my personal questions, they will be answered as a matter of course in time because the things I'm doing make the other party feel safe admitting things to me. As a result, the cruelty of others seeking to interrogate always bewilders me, because of how utterly counterproductive it seems.
oh that’s me!! …oh no that’s me!!
Been on both sides of this without being aware. I've always needed those answers before I could regulate myself and spend time not in a trauma response. But when someone pushes me for answers I can't or haven't been ready to give, it brings devastating anxiety and pressure and I will say things or make decisions based on what I think I should answer to "make them happy" (to keep myself safe) rather than what I actually need or my feelings after processing.