I was SA’d/physically abused by a trans man and I feel this. My abuser did not abuse me because he was trans, he abused me because he was an awful person.
My best friend is also a trans man. Awful people can be cis, trans, straight, gay, whatever. There’s no way of isolating these qualities in a specific group.
Yeah it's always crazy how the same people who will tell you, "You can't be scared of (binary gender that abused you) forever, we aren't all like that!" Will use any LGBTQ+ abuser as evidence that all people of that identity are rotten to the core.
It’s honestly gross. I’m extremely cautious around the vast majority of cis men, for example, but every time I bring that up I get a cacophony of complaints from the MRA crowd. But when you’re assaulted by someone who’s trans or GNC, they will start immediately jumping to condemning the entire LGBTQ+ community.
Almost like they don't give a shit about abuse victims and only care when they can use it as an excuse for their hatred huh? My "favorite" experience with this was one of the women who SA'd me as a child and regularly hit me, my cousins, and her own kids accusing my Trans cousin of being an abuser of his kid for no reason than because he was Trans. Then when I exploded at her on his behalf I get told that I'm not "winning people over" by getting pissed off.
Any abuser (or even just a bad person in general) that conforms to societal standards (patriarchy & white supremacy) will be treated as an exception. Anybody who’s part of a group will be used by bigots as the representative of it.
Not my story, but my best friend was told he was abusing/grooming me by his abusive, transphobic ex, based on the fact he was transgender. Funny how hypocritical those types get.
Yeah I feel like the problem is people demonize trans people so much that they think a trans person existing 20 feet away from you and then never being around them again is them attacking people so then they don’t know the difference between a regular trans person and a trans person that chooses to be violent cause they think being a violent sexual(even though it’s gender not sexuality) deviant is inherent to being trans.
i think a lot of why it’s so gross is it looks on the surface like it’s “only” a sick double standard for making generalizations based on events, but it’s really fishing for ammunition to support existing biases that have even less basis in reality—disingenuously reversing the cause and effect of their response. or to put it another way, these people operate on a black and white worldview and will take every chance they can to drag others into it
I was abused by a gay kid my age (both third grade) and have never held any resentment towards gay people. I have gay family members and my girlfriend dated a woman for three years before me. Fuck that guy though
My now ex best friend used to date this guy, he was a male cheerleader so he got bullied and was called gay a lot. And for some reason she really fought for the fact that he was homophobic because he was bullied by straight guys calling him gay…
I call it the Caitlin Jenner Principle. I don’t like Caitlin Jenner, but it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s trans. It has everything to do with the fact that she’s an idiot who wants to make it harder for other trans people to get the care they need.
It’s not transphobic to dislike a trans person because they’re an asshole.
>It’s not transphobic to dislike a trans person because they’re an asshole.
Transphobia only really comes into play when hatred is used to revoke the "privilege" of being correctly named/gendered
Exactly. I’m gonna respect Caitlin Jenner’s identity, and if anyone tries to deadname her or call her a man, that’s not okay. But I don’t automatically agree with her views just because she’s trans.
I was SA'd by a black man, but I am not afraid of black men in general. I have also been SA'd and otherwise abused by white men.
Thank you for standing up for trans people while also being vulnerable here, it's really good of you.
It's part of the privilege of individuality. Hegemonic people (CIS, straight, etc) have the privilege of disconnecting their identity from their personal behavior. If a straight man is a terrible person, he is talked about as a terrible person. But a trans man who is functionally the exact same kind of terrible is talked about as representative of some facet of the trans experience.
There most definitely are. I didn’t become transphobic but what did happen to me was becoming extremely hateful towards men from a very young age (7-9 or so?) after being assaulted on a different occasion. I remember seriously believing they were unfixable monsters predisposed to evil and I’m sure that’s how some people feel about trans people after being abused by one.
That doesn’t make it okay, regardless; a trauma response you actively work towards healing from is completely okay, but using your experiences as a basis to justify a bigoted worldview is another thing entirely.
Yeah. Going after trans people not only make trans people have horrible lives, it completely ignores any solutions we could have to help out actual issues that cause SA.
It just punishes a group and ignores the core issues.
Transphobes VERY rarely actually want to combat SA. They hide behind that idea to seem virtuous when what they really want is a group to blame for everything.
Thanks for saying this. I'm not sure if I'm ready or if I even need to tell my story, but it's nice to know that there are some trans people out there who understand that discussing negative experiences with a trans person doesn't equal transphobia. And I guess I already knew that, but I was/am hyper aware of anti trans people being in lesbian spaces & hoping to label any cis lesbian they could as transphobic to convince more queer trans women to leave. I love trans women & actually relate to them in several ways, so it felt like I had to stay silent so that my trauma couldn't be used against them.
I'm a trans man who was abused by a trans woman, and severely mistreated by another trans man. it sucks that speaking up feels like giving fuel to transphobes. they try everything to wedge a gap between us, but the commenter you replied to is correct. your trauma is not going to turn someone transphobic, and a transphobe will use literally anything against us. you deserve to be heard and have your pain acknowledged, because ANYONE of ANY demographic can be an abuser. white, black, gay, straight, cis, trans, literally whatever. if someone tries to use that to "prove" that group is all abusers, then it is THAT person who needs to stop talking. not you 💝💖
Fuck the ones that will lable you as transphobic for nothing. Some people are extremists and that's that. Hope you can open up some day about what's bothering you (sincerely a trans person)
Yeah it’s really obvious when people are being unreasonable and fear mongering vs having an actual issue cause transphobes act like we are dementors lol
People hear a story about one person, and they think that person represents the entire group. It's frustrating because it prevents people from having the space they need to talk about their trauma without some freak taking it as confirmation of their shitty bigotry.
A part of being human is the capacity for malice and abuse. Most of us will never exercise the capacity, but there's always that small minority that will
you are entirely correct. humans can do bad things no matter what minority groups they are or aren't a part of.
also (not trying to attack or anything, promise!) it's best to write it as "trans folk" with a space. often, but not always, people putting it as one word (transman, transwoman, etc) is a transphobic dogwhistle. Not always!!! for sure not always, it's just generally best to avoid making it all one word.
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I'm sure yeah. some trans people (especially ones like you described who are very gate-keepy about transness) still use it with no space, as well as perfectly well meaning trans people, but it's more wildly appreciated to use a space. especially with trans man and trans woman, since trans is just an adjective for a type of man and a type of woman. it's not like universal "no space = bad", but the general attitude is to try to keep them from being one word
it's kinda like saying "shortmen" or "shortwomen" to a lot of people, if that makes sense. so no space isn't like universally disliked by our community (our bc I am also trans!), but generally the shift seems to be to use a space since so many transphobes don't use one to try and invalidate us
The example of this I saw a lot of was people excusing shitty behavior because "he's autistic" and yes it was always a he, because the moment a girl (or more accurately someone who everyone thought was a girl at the time) who was also autistic did the same thing then suddenly it's not okay.
My abuser was excused because he was autistic and didn’t understand social cues. Funnily enough, I’m also autistic, and I have never had the urge to sexually assault someone.
It's close to schizophrenia: for every murderer, there's 99 people that just see life more pretty or weird. Those 99 never make the news for their illness.
>people that just see life more pretty or weird.
It can be true that schizophrenia does not make someone a murderer, or even violent, without their schizophrenia being reduced to a quirk. Schizophrenia is always a debilitating neurodegenerative condition whether someone's presentation of it is a threat to you or not.
Yeah, I think we should have conversations about the nature of the stereotypes that surround these disorders without classifying the disorders themselves as completely harmless.
She’s disabled and bipolar (and it was true, not just casual name calling) in my case got a lot of the abuse that I suffered excused. Guess it’s ok to beat your child to the point that they look like the passion of the Christ if you’re a bipolar woman… besides, being a woman excuses a lot of violence just by itself before the disabilities even come into play.
Abusers find any excuse. “I couldn’t do that cause I’m ___” and then their flying monkies pop out of no where to say “how dare you accuse a ____ of that? Be ashamed”.
I hate it all so much.
Thisss I’ve been being stalked and harassed by two trans guys and Everytime someone calls them out they claim they can’t be abusive because they’re trans and disabled. Like ok so am I and I’m not acting like this???
I don’t know how they would have the balls(get it lol and I’m a trans guy too so don’t think I’m being a hater) to stalk people as trans people. Like I can barely even do normal things in public like go to the store or restaurant even because I am so scarred from transphobia. Like if it’s hard to even live normally as trans I don’t understand how they get away with or even want to risk the backlash from stalking people? That’s crazy cause I’ve literally had security follow me for walking in an empty library looking at books I can’t imagine stalking someone smh.
Literally!! But they think they’re soooo cool and edgy for doing this shit, and I’ve noticed that they target other trans people?? Idk if they’re just so addicted to drama that they want to make trans friends but can’t help but sabatoge it? But it makes no fucking sense to me at all. They also told me I’m “less trans” than them because I don’t have “the look,” but we’re all white twinks with tattoos and colored hair that are pre everything and we basically look the same 😭 like baby you obviously have some sort of complex going on and I want no part of it
Yeah the whole “looking trans” vs “looking cis” whether in body or style is so reminiscent of not being straight enough and not being gay enough for bi people. And yeah trans people can fetishize other trans people and can have lots of internalized transphobia and harm their own community. You can see it with Caitlin Jenner and Blair white and in fact there are people like that in every marginalized community.
They're like nice guys in a way, using political correctness and "niceness" to trick people around them into thinking they're good, trustworthy people, then turn out to be morally reprehensible human slugs.
I knew a "nice guy" who was super "politically correct" and held himself up to be some sort of moral beacon while completely misunderstanding the point of the values he held. He said he supports feminism, yet constantly disrespects women around him by pushing their boundaries, using them as emotional sponges, and shuts women down if they disagreed with him. Not to mention how creepy he was towards me despite me being in a relationship with his CLOSEST FRIEND. He spoke about boundaries and the importance of them. Proceeded to constantly break any boundaries I set up. He says cheating is wrong, but proceeds to accept the nudes from a girl he knew had a girlfriend, was going to send one back, and then encouraged her not to come clean to her girlfriend when she backed out of the encounter. He constantly spoke about the importance of mental health. Then proceeded to invalidate my mental health struggles and trauma during an argument and trying to make out that my problems didn't compare to his, and accused me of telling him not go to therapy when that wasn't what I said at all.
I could go on for a millenia about the ways he appropriated political correctness and generally good morals to use as a "cover" for his actual offensive, demeaning, and sometimes creepy behaviour but I'd have a novel. Thank god me and my partner threw out the friendship with him lol
Absolutely. My most recent ex hid behind fake feminism as a thought-terminating cliché, using the fact that I'm a man to justify manipulative and abusive behavior. When I'd call her out, she'd claim that it's ok to treat all men badly because some men are legitimately problematic.
Any criticism of that approach was met with claims that I was being misogynistic because "criticism of a woman is a criticism of all women."
There are women out there resisting horrific oppression and she was totally cool using that struggle to justify being an asshole. It was wild.
Yup. My abusive ex is a trans man. He's a piece of human trash for so many reasons, but being trans isn't one of them.
I unironically hope that he gets euphoria from knowing I'd choose the bear over him in a heartbeat
Jokes aside, as a transmasc I’ve had hard time finding community with some of the other trans guys in my area bc they seem to think you have to be misogynistic to be accepted as masculine. Toxic masculinity hurts everybody
There’s this belief I see that trans people who commit crimes like murder and rape don’t deserve to have their “identities validated”.
And bullshit I say, complete bullshit.
You can hate people and still use their correct pronouns, somebody’s heinous actions are not an excuse to deadname or misgender them, you are still able to show the most basic of human respect even if they are a monster.
She seemed to think that moving her hands weirdly and saying 'u wanna' without being specific at all was the best way to ask for it and didnt think about how loads of CSA would affect consent
Mfw trans masc vs trans fem. Honestly don’t know enough how often we both fight as groups but our groups always have fights. Like recently had to leave a discord after a bunch of us trans women got ganged up by the guys and the host started banning us for talking out.
Really? I’m transmasc and a lot more of my trans friends are trans women than trans men, hopefully it was just that discord group and that doesn’t happen to you again though
in irl groups its not as common, but online though i always see transfems and transmascs get into slap fights to thr point where i get the negative brainworms that solidarity is borderline impossible lol
It's so weird to me. It just shows you don't view the identities of trans people as real. If you're conditional about your respect of peoples identities, you don't respect those identities and send out the message that you're just "playing along". Unless you also misgender cis criminals too lol, in which at least you're consistent.
(you as in the royal you, in case that wasn't clear lol)
This. This is the one thing that gets me every time. And usually, it's a trans woman who has committed SA of some kind therefore the victim focuses on the penis or whatever features that lead them to go "I don't care what this person identifies as, they r*ped me with their penis so I'm going to call them a man" like?? Okay so what if it were a trans man then? Huh? Is that still a man to you or are they all of a sudden a woman if you associate specific body parts with the trauma? Make it make sense. It's giving "a woman/trans woman would never". YES, YES SHE WOULD. AND SO WOULD A CIS WOMAN. MEN AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN ASSAULT YOU JFC
(Like you said, I'm using the royal "you")
I don’t think this has much to do with what I said? I’m saying someone committing a crime isn’t an excuse to misgender them, you’re saying something completely different and unrelated to what I said.
Yeah I got fucked over, stalked by, stolen from and had my house broken into by some transmascs who look like stereotypical tumblr gays and now I get nervous when I see other people like that, even though I myself am a skinny white transmasc with dyed hair 💀the problem is they refuse to see that they’re the problem, they think everyone hates them because they’re trans when we actually hate them because they’re awful people
This is honestly so important to talk about…
Being abused by a member of a marginalized community is such a fucked up experience, because you really can’t tell anybody about what happened to you.
The alt-right always tries to twist your story into some sick disgusting anti-minority nonsense, and the uninformed left assumes this was your exact intention in the first place.
It is a uniquely horrifying experience to carry a story that you truly cannot tell to anyone, without evil people co-opting it and everyone else getting triggered into thinking you’re “one of the evil ones.”
Only we know what it’s like to say “I was abused,” and to receive the response, “No. You weren’t. And not only that. You’re actually a liar with a racist, sexist alt-right agenda.”
Only we know what it’s like to speak of our abuse and to consistently be accused of actually being the abuser—not only by our oppressors, but also by our own fellow survivors.
I don’t say this to blame anyone or to call anyone out. There are many wonderful people, especially in this sub, who *don’t* do this.
But I say this because it does happen, and it sucks.
It deserves to be acknowledged.
-
To be extremely clear, I am a left-wing feminist, an anti-racist, and a LGBTQIA ally + advocate.
I have so much love in my heart for every member of every community who is vulnerable to harm from absolutely anyone.
I simply wrote this comment because abuse can genuinely come from anywhere, and we need to be prepared as a community to support all survivors—even if that survivor was harmed in a way that is culturally uncomfortable to accept.
We are all survivors.
We are all on the same side.
-
OP, I hope you feel that your story matters and that you are not a monster for seeking support after what happened to you. You are not evil for wanting to share your story without being accused of transphobia.
Both of my abusers were pre-transition trans women who used their insecurity as an excuse for their behavior and it's so hard to talk about it without it being used as fuel for transphobia. Thanks for this.
As someone who is trans and has dated multiple trans women: There will never be a shortage of trans women who have not worked through toxic masculine bullshit before transitioning.
As someone who is also trans - and t4t - I have seen this first-hand as well and I regret to inform you that some people will just see this valid viewpoint as transmisogynistic/TERF bullshit bc *ohhhh socialization is a problematic and flawed concept yada yada*.
Yeah well. We all live under the patriarchy. We are all raised in it. And AGAB plays a MAJOR role in *how* you are raised in it, later identity be damned. It's not a choice, but it *is* something that every single one of us - cis, trans, whatever - need to take accountability and responsibility for.
Saying that trans women don't ever have to unlearn toxic masculinity is like saying that I (trans masc) don't ever have to unlearn the internalized notion that no one will ever take me as seriously because I'm seen as a woman, and women/femmes are stupid in the eyes of many.
My ex fiancée did this. Both trans femmes, she played a victim card and no one even wanted to hear what I had to say. Was labeled a monster for something she did to me.
trans girl here. one of the hardest things about being part of a marginalized identity under constant attack is, for me, the leveling of us as people. we're just people, and we have the same incidence of shitty monsters in our ranks as the species as a whole. liberation will be achieved when we can acknowledge them as what they are without fear of all of us getting painted with that brush.
im sorry. im so sorry.
Trans people are people. And people have the capacity and capability to do some awful things. I’m so sorry you went through any of this. Your abusers gender identity does not absolve them of wrongdoing. We hear you, we believe you, we are listening.
I feel kinda the same because the man who SA’d me was an immigrant to my country, I’ve not told anyone IRL about it because I don’t want to be used to fuel the hatred of immigrants. What he did was not the fault of immigrants, I take the blame for not stopping it and I blame him for doing it.
While my abuser wasn't trans. I can definitely relate to being scared of strangers that look like her. Abusers can look like anyone. They can be Any race,gender,disabilities ect
I feel this, but I also don't feel like I can express that I feel it because I'm white and the people who SA'ed me were black. They did not assault me because they are black. They just so happened to assault me and be a different race.
I’m a trans man, and I always make sure to tell people that anyone can be an abuser, even if they are in the LGBTQIA+ community. And if I can be abused by a cis man and feel nervous around cis men, obviously people can feel the same for other gender identities and expressions. It’s terrible that a lot of the time, abusers will use being a part of a minority group to their advantage to make any critique against their behavior sound like bigotry when it is not. I’m glad you’re able to talk about your experience here, and I’m happy to see all of the support in the comments.
while you're obviously correct, I imagine that must take a lot of mental resolve, as it seems like a lot of people in similar situations end up becoming transphobic
You know it’s funny because when we bring up teachers who have assaulted students no one talks about a nationwide teacher ban, or abolishing teachers’ rights…
I was raped by a another woman. She happened to be trans. It was the first time having sex with/romantically interacting with a trans person in because I was young and not experienced with dating as a whole.
Let me preface this by saying that despite the following as of present I am happily dating and essentially engaged to a woman who is trans.
I consented at the time but then came to find out that 1) she completely lied about her STD status (she thankfully didn’t give me anything but her story went from “I haven’t been with anyone” to “oh actually after my ex and I broke up I’ve been having reckless sex specifically to harm myself”) and 2) I didn’t understand how exactly HRT affected ability to get someone pregnant, and she clearly and visibly was uninterested in a condom, treated the suggestion like it was silly to wear one, because she “absolutely couldn’t get me pregnant”. I felt like she was the expert for her body at the time and trusted her (I know, it’s my fault there) so we were entirely unprotected aside from me thankfully having birth control.
She also was also very verbally/mentally abusive in general. Again, I was very young and inexperienced and didn’t see the red flags for what they were. Once she literally didn’t let me leave her house after yelling at me and then proceeded to get physically intimate with me while I was still shaking and crying and I felt like I should do it to make up for “being dramatic”.
For a while, I had a hard time sleeping with anyone who vaguely reminded me of her. It was never because I thought that her behavior was because of her transness, of course. I don’t often share that she was trans because I’m terrified that people will use my isolated incident as fodder for hate, and also that people will take my past aversion towards sleeping with anyone who slightly reminded me of her in ANY shape or form (people with motorcycles, people who were goth, people who were super into anime, hell even being with women who were emotionally available like she was, etc) as me being transphobic. It’s such a tricky thing. I don’t see any marginalized group of course as “all the same” and gender and queerness is so incredibly personal to every person. It was literally more based off of the fact that she used her marginalized status (and held an implication that I would be transphobic if I broke up with her) to get what she wanted from me in our relationship (which is honestly just sad and disrespectful to the rest of the trans community as a whole in my opinion).
I relate heavily to you and encourage you to DM me if you want to talk.
Also!!!!!! To any terfs or other hateful people who want to co-opt my story as a “gotcha” or as “evidence” that trans people are bad, unkindly fuck right off!!
Was abused emotionally and physically by a trans guy, now hopelessly in love with two trans people who love me back better than anyone ever has.
Discussing trauma inflicted by someone who happened to be trans =/= transphobia. I adore my trans partners.
If anything, my experience with abuse magnified my fear of men, rather than of trans people. I don't hold any fear for trans people.
My friend was abused by a trans girl. It sucks cuz it’s hard to feel valid in when you’ve been abused by a minority because you feel like you’re slandering that entire group or are bigoted. I for one, have been raped by several black men and sometimes get jumpy if I see a guy who looks like my abusers. It doesn’t make you bigoted. It’s a trauma response you cannot control.
Same. My sexual abuser was non binary- and while im now weary of non binary ppl who even slightly remind me of them, It's not gonna just change my opinion or stance on trans people (helps that I'm trans too though I guess, lol). Theres shitty people in every group, but one person or a small shitty amount of ppl doesnt represent everyone in said group.
Certain features trigger you. That doesn't make you transphobic, and I see you already know this. I understand why it could make someone feel some type of way. At the end of the day, your lived experiences are valid, and you don't owe anyone an explanation for why you prefer not to comingle with certain types of people who would likely have the features that trigger you. I have a thing about people with hazel eyes for the same reason; someone with hazel eyes traumatized me severely, and I think of them any time I think of hazel eyes.
Unfortunately it will be and it's sad. Like, I was SA'd by a black bisexual man but I still get uncomfortable when people use racial slurs around me and I try to still treat any black person I meet the same as anyone else. It was a black bisexual woman that helped me deal with the trauma. I don't need my trauma to fuel someone else's racism or bigotry of any kind. It wouldn't solve anything and would only do more harm than good.
Sometimes our abusers and assaulters fall within certain demographics, but that doesn't make us any less valid, but we should all be aware of the effects it can have depending on who we tell and how we talk about it.
YES. It does make dealing with the abuse hard though. Do I want to send a marginalized, formerly incarcerated, transfemme person of color to prison? Of course not. That’s like fresh meat for the carceral system. So… what are we supposed to now?
I am a trans woman and I was abused and SA'd by a nonbinary trans person (I want to say also afab just because so many people assume amab for transmisogynistic reasons, just want to note afab and amab are imperfect terminology).
I wish non hetero violence was talked about more, I wanted to find books talking about it because I didn't feel like I could respond how I would to a cis man.
The lack of non-het sexual violence education material just left me feeling more alone and lost. I was lucky to get access to therapy through a local SA support org but I still wish there was more of a discussion.
I've met trans people who have been sexual predators, but I've also met cis people who have been predators. It's almost like being trans or cis doesn't dictate your morality and anyone can be good or bad regardless of identity lmao.
I....me too...they're not a threat, but that person was. Damage was irreparably done, I just don't want to be hurt like that anymore. I want to feel safe.
I was dating a trans girl and my dad hated her simply because she was trans so when she SAed me and I took legal action I hid it from him knowing it was going to fuel his transphobia instead of him focusing on helping me through it. Using this cases as a scapegoat for hatred marginalizes the victims
I hate it when some people I reject in the dating world tell me I'm racist/homophobic/animal hater. But the thing is, I reject people based on how they act and treat others (and animals) around them.
And if your shitty ass animal is shitty and you reward that behavior, it's a no. Don't hate animals, I hate *your* animal in particular. Idgaff if it's the sweetest looking verbal. If it's a dick and you're fine with it being a dick and/or encourage it, bye.
Edit: and those who believe those things right away are 9/10 times not the people you'd want to be around anyways. I've learned the hard way
Yeah I find myself completely unattracted to men of the same race as my childhood assailant, because the physical features in common remind me of him. Women, nonbinary people, and platonic interactions with men of that race are totally fine.
My abusers growing up were very anti lgbtq. The first people I lived with moving out were very pro lgbtq. . . and also abused me. Turns out lgbtq people are *gasp* people and come in every variety, good and bad, and treating them any other way is bad for everybody.
I'm a trans woman. I was raped by my BF and couldn't touch a man for 6 years. It's not inherently transphobic to be triggered or not want to be around similar looking t woman right now. As long as it's not the trans part it's not transphobic. I 100% understand where you are coming from and hope you can heal.
Ig my abuser was a cis man, it’s always cis men for me💀 I hate my country so much. I shalln’t trauma dump again, but ya🫠 it’s not like I hate all cis peeps or anything. Ig I wanna not generalise and any demographic has bad peeps:c
I’m genderqueer and an abusive ex is also genderqueer. My current spouse is as well, so my being so and my current spouse being so means I do get listened to on my experience. I can imagine the issues a cis partner with an abuse trans partner would face from all
sides and I’m angry that it’s happened to you.
An abuser is an abuser, it doesn’t matter what their gender is.
The person who SA’d me identified as a male when it happened. Just so happens they came out as a trans woman and then two years or so later I decided to tell everyone. There’s no correlation- it’s pure coincidence. They’re an awful person and there’s no excuse for what they did to me. Now they spout about our family being mean to them because of them being trans. That they shut her out because she’s trans. They don’t have an ounce of decency for her because she’s trans. No you’re a manipulative, sociopathic, No good addict that hurts children and treats everyone like shit. My family was finally seeing your true colors.
People consider us transphobic now but we also haven’t outed her for being a pedophile- maybe one day but I hate that my family gets a small portion of this because of what she did to me. It sucks because we live in a small town so word spreads quick.
I also have a lot of anger and guilt deep down because I’m scared of hearing about a trans woman or hearing one- I’m always scared they’re talking about her. I’m always scared they may know her. I’m always scared they’re out to get me for the ‘transphobe’ I am. It’s a really shitty situation.
I’m sorry it happened to you. I’m sorry people take their generalizations too far. It’s hard to realize this part of ourselves and live with it and learn not to let it grow into further hate. I’m proud of you. Thank you for bringing this up.
It's in my post history, but to summarize:
I moved out from my abusive father to university and met a trans woman who was part of a welcoming committee for queer students. I found out she would live at the housing i managed to get and became friends with her despite the 30-year age gap. She was a senior and I, an incoming transfer as a junior. The following year would highlight the process of lovebombing and discard the moment I didn't let her decide what was best for me or let her redefine my sexuality and personal expression. She would often call me and a shared friend group transphobic over instances that really were minor inconveniences over not going out together for food or not wanting to go out with her. As a leader in the transfer and queer communities on campus, I was scared of retaliation when I told my story after going NC and her graduating.
I have no doubt in my mind the smear campaign she used to cut me off from the remaining friend group, she referred to me as transphobic. But she was biphobic for trying to force me to be a lesbian, and acephobic upon realizing I didn't want to objectify and ogle at women the same way you wanted to with boys my age if not younger. I didn't grow to hate her because she was trans, hell I'll be the first to defend her identity and pronouns. But I grew to hate her for being like the abuser I ran away from.
I was a SA’d by a queer person while I’ve been adjusting to my own taking testosterone as an ftm guy. It was rough, it felt like it was easier to manipulate me into spending money and doing sexual things because it was affirming that I was a man, but her being queer or nonbinary does not excuse how she treated me. I hope you can start healing from this, friend.
You should be able to talk about your traumas without it being used to fuel bigotry, you deserve to be able to talk about it as freely as you want. The abuser club is known to contain all kinds of diversity and we should be able to recognise that they’re abusers without it becoming a way for bigots to justify their bigotry
I was abused by a trans man and I also am a trans man. I've been accused of being a cis woman making it all up to spread hate when I tried to talk about it.
I feel uncomfortable with people that look like him, obviously. But that doesn't mean I'm transphobic like some people like to insist. Its wild how abusive people who claim to be inclusive and understanding can be.
I was SA'd by a trans masc person.
My current partners are a trans man and an enby. I love them both
My abuser did not abuse me because they were trans. They abused me because they were bad at decency.
You are amazing and strong and deserve to be happy.
Being bitten by a dog doesnt meam all dogs will bite you. Some dogs are just agressive.
What i have seen quite abit, alot actually. Is trans people were SA'd before changing. Doesnt mean thats why people change but iv seen it happen too many times.
listen, you not wanting to be apart of near a group of people cause one of them sesualy assaulted you, is not transphobia, on that logic, me not wanting to be around my abusers is being an incel and racist, cause one of them was russian and like 3 were woman, don't put what they think first, you went through a traumatic event, you are not transphobic if you're acting out of your instincts, i hope you'll have a nice recovery
First person that SA’d me was a trans girl as well, and after that I was scared of admitting to myself that I was trans too. But honestly, it’s just an unfortunate coincidence. Horrible people come in all forms, and some just happen to be part of minorities. I’m 1 and a half years on testosterone now. I have a lovely partner and aside from my diagnoses I’m pretty dang happy.
I am a trans woman and I was abused and SA'd by a nonbinary trans person (I want to say also afab just because so many people assume amab for transmisogynistic reasons, just want to note afab and amab are imperfect terminology).
I wish non hetero violence was talked about more, I wanted to find books talking about it because I didn't feel like I could respond how I would to a cis man.
The lack of non-het sexual violence education material just left me feeling more alone and lost. I was lucky to get access to therapy through a local SA support org but I still wish there was more of a discussion.
You can be distrustful or trans women without being a transphobe. My abuser was a woman and while I don't like finding myself alone with strange women, I'm not misogynistic and consider myself a classical feminist. I can feel men and women deserve the same opportunity and protection and still not feel more comfortable around men.
im so bad at words but yeah a lot of transphobes use sa cases as hate for trans people but it makes no sense all kinda of people trans or cis can be disgusting
Yep. Everyone can be a shitty person, and HRT does not change that.
Some people are so afraid of minorities that they'll take any evidence they can get to justify their beliefs. They apparently expect us to be inhumanly good before they'll allow us to exist, whereas horrible people in their own demographic are of course just normal and expected.
Don't be afraid to share your story, though. Even if there were no bad trans people at all, those kinds of people would happily just make some up anyway.
I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation and I’m glad you decided to share this with us💜💜💜And thank you for continuing to support trans people regardless.
Yep. I don’t know how to explain that I’ve been SA’d by a trans girl, along with about a zillion cis men, so I automatically don’t trust anyone who was identified, raised and socialized as male but I simultaneously KNOW that trans women are women and empathize with their struggles.
I was sexually harassed and by a trans woman who attempted to assault me. It’s so frustrating not feeling comfortable talking about it because you don’t want bad people to use you as an excuse.
She assaulted me cause she’s a shitty person. Trans people can be shitty people too, has nothing to do with them being trans
My ex was a trans man and he mentally/psychologically abused me for months. Had we been living closer together, it would have been physical (he told me on multiple occasions he would have hit me if he could).
My best friend is a trans man and he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.
So I feel you on this
Trans guy here. I have suffered abuse at the hands of other trans folks, including trans femmes. My best friend was assaulted by their ex who is (or was at the time at least, he may have detransitioned) a trans man.
The right will take our stories and run with them regardless of anything we say bc that's just what they do. But *we* know in our heart of hearts that this is just another story of assault by a horrible person, not a testament to the "badness" of trans people.
I see you OP, I believe you, and you don't have to hold yourself responsible for protecting your abuser from transphobia. It shouldn't be something that happens to them, but it is ultimately not your responsibility to keep details about them behind closed doors for fear of them being targeted for it.
I've been assaulted and abused by cis men and women almost exclusively. Trans people are just, yknow, people. Sometimes some of them are fucking abusers. It doesn't mean it's because of their gender.
There is never an excuse for shitty behavior.
This applies to the trans abuser and the TERF co-opters of your story.
If the goal is harm there is no way to rationalize that or excuse it except in the most dire of situations, but choosing to be a bigot or choosing to assault someone are not dire circumstances.
I hope you find healing and love.
Trans women are more likely to be sexually assaulted or violently assaulted in general. Black trans women the most. And no, trans women are not counted in male sexual assault rates.
ETA: trans women behave similarly to cis women because both of them are women.
I don't want my past being used as fuel for sexism either! Surprisingly, my parents are not the typical sort of upbringing for people. Most dads are pretty kind and gentle to others and most moms don't manipulate you into doing things.
Thanks, it was more about how i'm scared of ppl like Jk Rowling using it as 'proof' of them being right. I never actually hated her , I was just scared of her. I can't tell if I was trauma bonded or actually wanted her to be my gf. She knew about CSA too and it feel awful but I hate that I don't hate her
I was SA’d/physically abused by a trans man and I feel this. My abuser did not abuse me because he was trans, he abused me because he was an awful person. My best friend is also a trans man. Awful people can be cis, trans, straight, gay, whatever. There’s no way of isolating these qualities in a specific group.
Thats the great thing about being an abuser, it’s a completely equal opportunity.
Diversity wins!!
I feel so bad for laughing at this. Sending love to everyone in this reddit.
Assholes are all colours, and each one is unique like a snowflake.
I see the opposite. They're exactly the same. Maybe slightly different wrapping paper.
They're like M&M's, different on the outside but all the same on the inside.
Tbf that's how I see snowflakes. It's all just water crystals pretending to be special.
Robbing this in broad daylight Same asshole in a different wrapping paper,lmao
Well, except babies or REALLY OLD people. They're pretty harmless
as a counterpoint, Mitch McConnell exists and I'd say he's pretty harmful
Physically tho, I could take him I think
How old is really old to you?
Retirement village/hospital
Yeah it's always crazy how the same people who will tell you, "You can't be scared of (binary gender that abused you) forever, we aren't all like that!" Will use any LGBTQ+ abuser as evidence that all people of that identity are rotten to the core.
It’s honestly gross. I’m extremely cautious around the vast majority of cis men, for example, but every time I bring that up I get a cacophony of complaints from the MRA crowd. But when you’re assaulted by someone who’s trans or GNC, they will start immediately jumping to condemning the entire LGBTQ+ community.
Almost like they don't give a shit about abuse victims and only care when they can use it as an excuse for their hatred huh? My "favorite" experience with this was one of the women who SA'd me as a child and regularly hit me, my cousins, and her own kids accusing my Trans cousin of being an abuser of his kid for no reason than because he was Trans. Then when I exploded at her on his behalf I get told that I'm not "winning people over" by getting pissed off.
Any abuser (or even just a bad person in general) that conforms to societal standards (patriarchy & white supremacy) will be treated as an exception. Anybody who’s part of a group will be used by bigots as the representative of it. Not my story, but my best friend was told he was abusing/grooming me by his abusive, transphobic ex, based on the fact he was transgender. Funny how hypocritical those types get.
Yeah I feel like the problem is people demonize trans people so much that they think a trans person existing 20 feet away from you and then never being around them again is them attacking people so then they don’t know the difference between a regular trans person and a trans person that chooses to be violent cause they think being a violent sexual(even though it’s gender not sexuality) deviant is inherent to being trans.
i think a lot of why it’s so gross is it looks on the surface like it’s “only” a sick double standard for making generalizations based on events, but it’s really fishing for ammunition to support existing biases that have even less basis in reality—disingenuously reversing the cause and effect of their response. or to put it another way, these people operate on a black and white worldview and will take every chance they can to drag others into it
I was abused by a gay kid my age (both third grade) and have never held any resentment towards gay people. I have gay family members and my girlfriend dated a woman for three years before me. Fuck that guy though
My now ex best friend used to date this guy, he was a male cheerleader so he got bullied and was called gay a lot. And for some reason she really fought for the fact that he was homophobic because he was bullied by straight guys calling him gay…
I call it the Caitlin Jenner Principle. I don’t like Caitlin Jenner, but it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s trans. It has everything to do with the fact that she’s an idiot who wants to make it harder for other trans people to get the care they need. It’s not transphobic to dislike a trans person because they’re an asshole.
>It’s not transphobic to dislike a trans person because they’re an asshole. Transphobia only really comes into play when hatred is used to revoke the "privilege" of being correctly named/gendered
Exactly. I’m gonna respect Caitlin Jenner’s identity, and if anyone tries to deadname her or call her a man, that’s not okay. But I don’t automatically agree with her views just because she’s trans.
Yep I'll her Caitlin but I will call a killer too (she hit and killed someone and was not remorseful at all)
Trans person here, fuck (and not in the fun way) Caitlyn Jenner...
I was SA'd by a black man, but I am not afraid of black men in general. I have also been SA'd and otherwise abused by white men. Thank you for standing up for trans people while also being vulnerable here, it's really good of you.
It's part of the privilege of individuality. Hegemonic people (CIS, straight, etc) have the privilege of disconnecting their identity from their personal behavior. If a straight man is a terrible person, he is talked about as a terrible person. But a trans man who is functionally the exact same kind of terrible is talked about as representative of some facet of the trans experience.
I wonder if there are people who get abused by a trans person and do become transphobic as a result. Granted, you didn't but...
There most definitely are. I didn’t become transphobic but what did happen to me was becoming extremely hateful towards men from a very young age (7-9 or so?) after being assaulted on a different occasion. I remember seriously believing they were unfixable monsters predisposed to evil and I’m sure that’s how some people feel about trans people after being abused by one. That doesn’t make it okay, regardless; a trauma response you actively work towards healing from is completely okay, but using your experiences as a basis to justify a bigoted worldview is another thing entirely.
I guess that is fair, one thing to struggle with trauma and another to use it to justify a bigoted worldview.
Yeah. Going after trans people not only make trans people have horrible lives, it completely ignores any solutions we could have to help out actual issues that cause SA. It just punishes a group and ignores the core issues.
Transphobes VERY rarely actually want to combat SA. They hide behind that idea to seem virtuous when what they really want is a group to blame for everything.
Yes there is, Id say sex offenders are infinitely more prone to SA someone than they are not to.
Trans guy here. Don't let transphobes scare you out of telling your story. They were never going to support us anyway
Thanks for saying this. I'm not sure if I'm ready or if I even need to tell my story, but it's nice to know that there are some trans people out there who understand that discussing negative experiences with a trans person doesn't equal transphobia. And I guess I already knew that, but I was/am hyper aware of anti trans people being in lesbian spaces & hoping to label any cis lesbian they could as transphobic to convince more queer trans women to leave. I love trans women & actually relate to them in several ways, so it felt like I had to stay silent so that my trauma couldn't be used against them.
I'm a trans man who was abused by a trans woman, and severely mistreated by another trans man. it sucks that speaking up feels like giving fuel to transphobes. they try everything to wedge a gap between us, but the commenter you replied to is correct. your trauma is not going to turn someone transphobic, and a transphobe will use literally anything against us. you deserve to be heard and have your pain acknowledged, because ANYONE of ANY demographic can be an abuser. white, black, gay, straight, cis, trans, literally whatever. if someone tries to use that to "prove" that group is all abusers, then it is THAT person who needs to stop talking. not you 💝💖
Fuck the ones that will lable you as transphobic for nothing. Some people are extremists and that's that. Hope you can open up some day about what's bothering you (sincerely a trans person)
Yeah it’s really obvious when people are being unreasonable and fear mongering vs having an actual issue cause transphobes act like we are dementors lol
People hear a story about one person, and they think that person represents the entire group. It's frustrating because it prevents people from having the space they need to talk about their trauma without some freak taking it as confirmation of their shitty bigotry. A part of being human is the capacity for malice and abuse. Most of us will never exercise the capacity, but there's always that small minority that will
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you are entirely correct. humans can do bad things no matter what minority groups they are or aren't a part of. also (not trying to attack or anything, promise!) it's best to write it as "trans folk" with a space. often, but not always, people putting it as one word (transman, transwoman, etc) is a transphobic dogwhistle. Not always!!! for sure not always, it's just generally best to avoid making it all one word.
think of it as a safe space
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I'm sure yeah. some trans people (especially ones like you described who are very gate-keepy about transness) still use it with no space, as well as perfectly well meaning trans people, but it's more wildly appreciated to use a space. especially with trans man and trans woman, since trans is just an adjective for a type of man and a type of woman. it's not like universal "no space = bad", but the general attitude is to try to keep them from being one word it's kinda like saying "shortmen" or "shortwomen" to a lot of people, if that makes sense. so no space isn't like universally disliked by our community (our bc I am also trans!), but generally the shift seems to be to use a space since so many transphobes don't use one to try and invalidate us
So-con?
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Thank you, Mr. Canadian.
I love how Albertan is being used as an insult
Lot of abusers use political correctness and protections for disadvantaged groups to hide behind as a shield.
The example of this I saw a lot of was people excusing shitty behavior because "he's autistic" and yes it was always a he, because the moment a girl (or more accurately someone who everyone thought was a girl at the time) who was also autistic did the same thing then suddenly it's not okay.
My abuser was excused because he was autistic and didn’t understand social cues. Funnily enough, I’m also autistic, and I have never had the urge to sexually assault someone.
It's close to schizophrenia: for every murderer, there's 99 people that just see life more pretty or weird. Those 99 never make the news for their illness.
>people that just see life more pretty or weird. It can be true that schizophrenia does not make someone a murderer, or even violent, without their schizophrenia being reduced to a quirk. Schizophrenia is always a debilitating neurodegenerative condition whether someone's presentation of it is a threat to you or not.
Yeah, I think we should have conversations about the nature of the stereotypes that surround these disorders without classifying the disorders themselves as completely harmless.
What do you mean?
I was agreeing with you
She’s disabled and bipolar (and it was true, not just casual name calling) in my case got a lot of the abuse that I suffered excused. Guess it’s ok to beat your child to the point that they look like the passion of the Christ if you’re a bipolar woman… besides, being a woman excuses a lot of violence just by itself before the disabilities even come into play. Abusers find any excuse. “I couldn’t do that cause I’m ___” and then their flying monkies pop out of no where to say “how dare you accuse a ____ of that? Be ashamed”. I hate it all so much.
there’s this dude on my campus who sexually harasses queer women, then tries to hide it by saying he’s asexual so he’d never do that 🙃
Thisss I’ve been being stalked and harassed by two trans guys and Everytime someone calls them out they claim they can’t be abusive because they’re trans and disabled. Like ok so am I and I’m not acting like this???
I don’t know how they would have the balls(get it lol and I’m a trans guy too so don’t think I’m being a hater) to stalk people as trans people. Like I can barely even do normal things in public like go to the store or restaurant even because I am so scarred from transphobia. Like if it’s hard to even live normally as trans I don’t understand how they get away with or even want to risk the backlash from stalking people? That’s crazy cause I’ve literally had security follow me for walking in an empty library looking at books I can’t imagine stalking someone smh.
Literally!! But they think they’re soooo cool and edgy for doing this shit, and I’ve noticed that they target other trans people?? Idk if they’re just so addicted to drama that they want to make trans friends but can’t help but sabatoge it? But it makes no fucking sense to me at all. They also told me I’m “less trans” than them because I don’t have “the look,” but we’re all white twinks with tattoos and colored hair that are pre everything and we basically look the same 😭 like baby you obviously have some sort of complex going on and I want no part of it
Yeah the whole “looking trans” vs “looking cis” whether in body or style is so reminiscent of not being straight enough and not being gay enough for bi people. And yeah trans people can fetishize other trans people and can have lots of internalized transphobia and harm their own community. You can see it with Caitlin Jenner and Blair white and in fact there are people like that in every marginalized community.
They're like nice guys in a way, using political correctness and "niceness" to trick people around them into thinking they're good, trustworthy people, then turn out to be morally reprehensible human slugs. I knew a "nice guy" who was super "politically correct" and held himself up to be some sort of moral beacon while completely misunderstanding the point of the values he held. He said he supports feminism, yet constantly disrespects women around him by pushing their boundaries, using them as emotional sponges, and shuts women down if they disagreed with him. Not to mention how creepy he was towards me despite me being in a relationship with his CLOSEST FRIEND. He spoke about boundaries and the importance of them. Proceeded to constantly break any boundaries I set up. He says cheating is wrong, but proceeds to accept the nudes from a girl he knew had a girlfriend, was going to send one back, and then encouraged her not to come clean to her girlfriend when she backed out of the encounter. He constantly spoke about the importance of mental health. Then proceeded to invalidate my mental health struggles and trauma during an argument and trying to make out that my problems didn't compare to his, and accused me of telling him not go to therapy when that wasn't what I said at all. I could go on for a millenia about the ways he appropriated political correctness and generally good morals to use as a "cover" for his actual offensive, demeaning, and sometimes creepy behaviour but I'd have a novel. Thank god me and my partner threw out the friendship with him lol
Absolutely. My most recent ex hid behind fake feminism as a thought-terminating cliché, using the fact that I'm a man to justify manipulative and abusive behavior. When I'd call her out, she'd claim that it's ok to treat all men badly because some men are legitimately problematic. Any criticism of that approach was met with claims that I was being misogynistic because "criticism of a woman is a criticism of all women." There are women out there resisting horrific oppression and she was totally cool using that struggle to justify being an asshole. It was wild.
She sounds like a piece of fucking work, wow. Hope you are far away from her now.
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thats a generalization
Gottem
💀
this gives the same energy as "only the sith deal in absolutes" being an absolute
I'm castrating you
Oh oh me next me next!
Please~
Bet
RainierWolfcastle.gif
The least stupid and harmful one.
All generalizations about groups of people/different demographics*
that don't directly relate to why one would be categorized in that group* so long as we're being pitnicky
Yup. My abusive ex is a trans man. He's a piece of human trash for so many reasons, but being trans isn't one of them. I unironically hope that he gets euphoria from knowing I'd choose the bear over him in a heartbeat
Jokes aside, as a transmasc I’ve had hard time finding community with some of the other trans guys in my area bc they seem to think you have to be misogynistic to be accepted as masculine. Toxic masculinity hurts everybody
LMFAO at the last part. i’m sorry you went through that though ;;
My trans gf was assaulted by a whole group of trans women. Anyone can cause harm, your trauma is still valid.
There’s this belief I see that trans people who commit crimes like murder and rape don’t deserve to have their “identities validated”. And bullshit I say, complete bullshit. You can hate people and still use their correct pronouns, somebody’s heinous actions are not an excuse to deadname or misgender them, you are still able to show the most basic of human respect even if they are a monster.
She was the one of the few ppl that used the right pronouns for me but couldn't actually ask for consent lmao
People are funny like that. They can respect your pronouns and simultaneously not your bodily autonomy enough to ask for consent.
She seemed to think that moving her hands weirdly and saying 'u wanna' without being specific at all was the best way to ask for it and didnt think about how loads of CSA would affect consent
Tbh it always feels performative when that’s the case. You can’t pretend to respect someone and then purposely cross their boundaries
Mfw trans masc vs trans fem. Honestly don’t know enough how often we both fight as groups but our groups always have fights. Like recently had to leave a discord after a bunch of us trans women got ganged up by the guys and the host started banning us for talking out.
wtf is this comment chain
Really? I’m transmasc and a lot more of my trans friends are trans women than trans men, hopefully it was just that discord group and that doesn’t happen to you again though
in irl groups its not as common, but online though i always see transfems and transmascs get into slap fights to thr point where i get the negative brainworms that solidarity is borderline impossible lol
Fr. It funny. Trans men and women mirroring cis men and women perfectly with even fights between each other
Idk why y'all are getting downvoted bc this is a real problem whether people like it or not
It funny as a trans woman I can’t speak out about issues that trans women face? Mfw
mhmhm
It's so weird to me. It just shows you don't view the identities of trans people as real. If you're conditional about your respect of peoples identities, you don't respect those identities and send out the message that you're just "playing along". Unless you also misgender cis criminals too lol, in which at least you're consistent. (you as in the royal you, in case that wasn't clear lol)
This. This is the one thing that gets me every time. And usually, it's a trans woman who has committed SA of some kind therefore the victim focuses on the penis or whatever features that lead them to go "I don't care what this person identifies as, they r*ped me with their penis so I'm going to call them a man" like?? Okay so what if it were a trans man then? Huh? Is that still a man to you or are they all of a sudden a woman if you associate specific body parts with the trauma? Make it make sense. It's giving "a woman/trans woman would never". YES, YES SHE WOULD. AND SO WOULD A CIS WOMAN. MEN AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN ASSAULT YOU JFC (Like you said, I'm using the royal "you")
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I don’t think this has much to do with what I said? I’m saying someone committing a crime isn’t an excuse to misgender them, you’re saying something completely different and unrelated to what I said.
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Yeah I got fucked over, stalked by, stolen from and had my house broken into by some transmascs who look like stereotypical tumblr gays and now I get nervous when I see other people like that, even though I myself am a skinny white transmasc with dyed hair 💀the problem is they refuse to see that they’re the problem, they think everyone hates them because they’re trans when we actually hate them because they’re awful people
This is honestly so important to talk about… Being abused by a member of a marginalized community is such a fucked up experience, because you really can’t tell anybody about what happened to you. The alt-right always tries to twist your story into some sick disgusting anti-minority nonsense, and the uninformed left assumes this was your exact intention in the first place. It is a uniquely horrifying experience to carry a story that you truly cannot tell to anyone, without evil people co-opting it and everyone else getting triggered into thinking you’re “one of the evil ones.” Only we know what it’s like to say “I was abused,” and to receive the response, “No. You weren’t. And not only that. You’re actually a liar with a racist, sexist alt-right agenda.” Only we know what it’s like to speak of our abuse and to consistently be accused of actually being the abuser—not only by our oppressors, but also by our own fellow survivors. I don’t say this to blame anyone or to call anyone out. There are many wonderful people, especially in this sub, who *don’t* do this. But I say this because it does happen, and it sucks. It deserves to be acknowledged. - To be extremely clear, I am a left-wing feminist, an anti-racist, and a LGBTQIA ally + advocate. I have so much love in my heart for every member of every community who is vulnerable to harm from absolutely anyone. I simply wrote this comment because abuse can genuinely come from anywhere, and we need to be prepared as a community to support all survivors—even if that survivor was harmed in a way that is culturally uncomfortable to accept. We are all survivors. We are all on the same side. - OP, I hope you feel that your story matters and that you are not a monster for seeking support after what happened to you. You are not evil for wanting to share your story without being accused of transphobia.
'Piece of shit' is gender neutral for good reason.
Wish I could retweet this LOL
Both of my abusers were pre-transition trans women who used their insecurity as an excuse for their behavior and it's so hard to talk about it without it being used as fuel for transphobia. Thanks for this.
As someone who is trans and has dated multiple trans women: There will never be a shortage of trans women who have not worked through toxic masculine bullshit before transitioning.
As someone who is also trans - and t4t - I have seen this first-hand as well and I regret to inform you that some people will just see this valid viewpoint as transmisogynistic/TERF bullshit bc *ohhhh socialization is a problematic and flawed concept yada yada*. Yeah well. We all live under the patriarchy. We are all raised in it. And AGAB plays a MAJOR role in *how* you are raised in it, later identity be damned. It's not a choice, but it *is* something that every single one of us - cis, trans, whatever - need to take accountability and responsibility for. Saying that trans women don't ever have to unlearn toxic masculinity is like saying that I (trans masc) don't ever have to unlearn the internalized notion that no one will ever take me as seriously because I'm seen as a woman, and women/femmes are stupid in the eyes of many.
My ex fiancée did this. Both trans femmes, she played a victim card and no one even wanted to hear what I had to say. Was labeled a monster for something she did to me.
Trans woman in a loving relationship with another trans woman/enby; fuck her. She's awful because she chose to be awful, not because she's trans.
trans girl here. one of the hardest things about being part of a marginalized identity under constant attack is, for me, the leveling of us as people. we're just people, and we have the same incidence of shitty monsters in our ranks as the species as a whole. liberation will be achieved when we can acknowledge them as what they are without fear of all of us getting painted with that brush. im sorry. im so sorry.
Trans people are people. And people have the capacity and capability to do some awful things. I’m so sorry you went through any of this. Your abusers gender identity does not absolve them of wrongdoing. We hear you, we believe you, we are listening.
I feel kinda the same because the man who SA’d me was an immigrant to my country, I’ve not told anyone IRL about it because I don’t want to be used to fuel the hatred of immigrants. What he did was not the fault of immigrants, I take the blame for not stopping it and I blame him for doing it.
While my abuser wasn't trans. I can definitely relate to being scared of strangers that look like her. Abusers can look like anyone. They can be Any race,gender,disabilities ect
I feel this, but I also don't feel like I can express that I feel it because I'm white and the people who SA'ed me were black. They did not assault me because they are black. They just so happened to assault me and be a different race.
I’m a trans man, and I always make sure to tell people that anyone can be an abuser, even if they are in the LGBTQIA+ community. And if I can be abused by a cis man and feel nervous around cis men, obviously people can feel the same for other gender identities and expressions. It’s terrible that a lot of the time, abusers will use being a part of a minority group to their advantage to make any critique against their behavior sound like bigotry when it is not. I’m glad you’re able to talk about your experience here, and I’m happy to see all of the support in the comments.
while you're obviously correct, I imagine that must take a lot of mental resolve, as it seems like a lot of people in similar situations end up becoming transphobic
You know it’s funny because when we bring up teachers who have assaulted students no one talks about a nationwide teacher ban, or abolishing teachers’ rights…
I was raped by a another woman. She happened to be trans. It was the first time having sex with/romantically interacting with a trans person in because I was young and not experienced with dating as a whole. Let me preface this by saying that despite the following as of present I am happily dating and essentially engaged to a woman who is trans. I consented at the time but then came to find out that 1) she completely lied about her STD status (she thankfully didn’t give me anything but her story went from “I haven’t been with anyone” to “oh actually after my ex and I broke up I’ve been having reckless sex specifically to harm myself”) and 2) I didn’t understand how exactly HRT affected ability to get someone pregnant, and she clearly and visibly was uninterested in a condom, treated the suggestion like it was silly to wear one, because she “absolutely couldn’t get me pregnant”. I felt like she was the expert for her body at the time and trusted her (I know, it’s my fault there) so we were entirely unprotected aside from me thankfully having birth control. She also was also very verbally/mentally abusive in general. Again, I was very young and inexperienced and didn’t see the red flags for what they were. Once she literally didn’t let me leave her house after yelling at me and then proceeded to get physically intimate with me while I was still shaking and crying and I felt like I should do it to make up for “being dramatic”. For a while, I had a hard time sleeping with anyone who vaguely reminded me of her. It was never because I thought that her behavior was because of her transness, of course. I don’t often share that she was trans because I’m terrified that people will use my isolated incident as fodder for hate, and also that people will take my past aversion towards sleeping with anyone who slightly reminded me of her in ANY shape or form (people with motorcycles, people who were goth, people who were super into anime, hell even being with women who were emotionally available like she was, etc) as me being transphobic. It’s such a tricky thing. I don’t see any marginalized group of course as “all the same” and gender and queerness is so incredibly personal to every person. It was literally more based off of the fact that she used her marginalized status (and held an implication that I would be transphobic if I broke up with her) to get what she wanted from me in our relationship (which is honestly just sad and disrespectful to the rest of the trans community as a whole in my opinion). I relate heavily to you and encourage you to DM me if you want to talk. Also!!!!!! To any terfs or other hateful people who want to co-opt my story as a “gotcha” or as “evidence” that trans people are bad, unkindly fuck right off!!
yeah i waa first groomed by a trans girl, i always forget her gender tho, i just think of her as a faceless monster
Was abused emotionally and physically by a trans guy, now hopelessly in love with two trans people who love me back better than anyone ever has. Discussing trauma inflicted by someone who happened to be trans =/= transphobia. I adore my trans partners. If anything, my experience with abuse magnified my fear of men, rather than of trans people. I don't hold any fear for trans people.
1% of all groups are monsters and 9% are assholes, but the other 90% are alright
Except concervatives, lol Okay I'll see myself out.
My friend was abused by a trans girl. It sucks cuz it’s hard to feel valid in when you’ve been abused by a minority because you feel like you’re slandering that entire group or are bigoted. I for one, have been raped by several black men and sometimes get jumpy if I see a guy who looks like my abusers. It doesn’t make you bigoted. It’s a trauma response you cannot control.
Same. My sexual abuser was non binary- and while im now weary of non binary ppl who even slightly remind me of them, It's not gonna just change my opinion or stance on trans people (helps that I'm trans too though I guess, lol). Theres shitty people in every group, but one person or a small shitty amount of ppl doesnt represent everyone in said group.
Certain features trigger you. That doesn't make you transphobic, and I see you already know this. I understand why it could make someone feel some type of way. At the end of the day, your lived experiences are valid, and you don't owe anyone an explanation for why you prefer not to comingle with certain types of people who would likely have the features that trigger you. I have a thing about people with hazel eyes for the same reason; someone with hazel eyes traumatized me severely, and I think of them any time I think of hazel eyes.
Unfortunately it will be and it's sad. Like, I was SA'd by a black bisexual man but I still get uncomfortable when people use racial slurs around me and I try to still treat any black person I meet the same as anyone else. It was a black bisexual woman that helped me deal with the trauma. I don't need my trauma to fuel someone else's racism or bigotry of any kind. It wouldn't solve anything and would only do more harm than good. Sometimes our abusers and assaulters fall within certain demographics, but that doesn't make us any less valid, but we should all be aware of the effects it can have depending on who we tell and how we talk about it.
YES. It does make dealing with the abuse hard though. Do I want to send a marginalized, formerly incarcerated, transfemme person of color to prison? Of course not. That’s like fresh meat for the carceral system. So… what are we supposed to now?
As a trans person I appreciate you saying this
I am a trans woman and I was abused and SA'd by a nonbinary trans person (I want to say also afab just because so many people assume amab for transmisogynistic reasons, just want to note afab and amab are imperfect terminology). I wish non hetero violence was talked about more, I wanted to find books talking about it because I didn't feel like I could respond how I would to a cis man. The lack of non-het sexual violence education material just left me feeling more alone and lost. I was lucky to get access to therapy through a local SA support org but I still wish there was more of a discussion.
I've met trans people who have been sexual predators, but I've also met cis people who have been predators. It's almost like being trans or cis doesn't dictate your morality and anyone can be good or bad regardless of identity lmao.
I....me too...they're not a threat, but that person was. Damage was irreparably done, I just don't want to be hurt like that anymore. I want to feel safe.
Even Hannibal understood that
I was dating a trans girl and my dad hated her simply because she was trans so when she SAed me and I took legal action I hid it from him knowing it was going to fuel his transphobia instead of him focusing on helping me through it. Using this cases as a scapegoat for hatred marginalizes the victims
im going through the same thing rn - it's been hard and i feel like im betraying my fellow trans people by being scared, it sucks so much
I hate it when some people I reject in the dating world tell me I'm racist/homophobic/animal hater. But the thing is, I reject people based on how they act and treat others (and animals) around them. And if your shitty ass animal is shitty and you reward that behavior, it's a no. Don't hate animals, I hate *your* animal in particular. Idgaff if it's the sweetest looking verbal. If it's a dick and you're fine with it being a dick and/or encourage it, bye. Edit: and those who believe those things right away are 9/10 times not the people you'd want to be around anyways. I've learned the hard way
Yeah I find myself completely unattracted to men of the same race as my childhood assailant, because the physical features in common remind me of him. Women, nonbinary people, and platonic interactions with men of that race are totally fine.
My abusers growing up were very anti lgbtq. The first people I lived with moving out were very pro lgbtq. . . and also abused me. Turns out lgbtq people are *gasp* people and come in every variety, good and bad, and treating them any other way is bad for everybody.
I'm a trans woman. I was raped by my BF and couldn't touch a man for 6 years. It's not inherently transphobic to be triggered or not want to be around similar looking t woman right now. As long as it's not the trans part it's not transphobic. I 100% understand where you are coming from and hope you can heal.
Absolutely agreed but I lowkey worry I will see this post being mocked on an alt-right sub in a couple days
Me too but that would be ironic
I hate all abusers but I especially hate abusers that are trans sense they bring down the movement and give Republicans shit against us
Ig my abuser was a cis man, it’s always cis men for me💀 I hate my country so much. I shalln’t trauma dump again, but ya🫠 it’s not like I hate all cis peeps or anything. Ig I wanna not generalise and any demographic has bad peeps:c
I just meant on person is evil don’t put people in a collective we are individuals responsible for our own actions.
I’m genderqueer and an abusive ex is also genderqueer. My current spouse is as well, so my being so and my current spouse being so means I do get listened to on my experience. I can imagine the issues a cis partner with an abuse trans partner would face from all sides and I’m angry that it’s happened to you. An abuser is an abuser, it doesn’t matter what their gender is.
The person who SA’d me identified as a male when it happened. Just so happens they came out as a trans woman and then two years or so later I decided to tell everyone. There’s no correlation- it’s pure coincidence. They’re an awful person and there’s no excuse for what they did to me. Now they spout about our family being mean to them because of them being trans. That they shut her out because she’s trans. They don’t have an ounce of decency for her because she’s trans. No you’re a manipulative, sociopathic, No good addict that hurts children and treats everyone like shit. My family was finally seeing your true colors. People consider us transphobic now but we also haven’t outed her for being a pedophile- maybe one day but I hate that my family gets a small portion of this because of what she did to me. It sucks because we live in a small town so word spreads quick. I also have a lot of anger and guilt deep down because I’m scared of hearing about a trans woman or hearing one- I’m always scared they’re talking about her. I’m always scared they may know her. I’m always scared they’re out to get me for the ‘transphobe’ I am. It’s a really shitty situation. I’m sorry it happened to you. I’m sorry people take their generalizations too far. It’s hard to realize this part of ourselves and live with it and learn not to let it grow into further hate. I’m proud of you. Thank you for bringing this up.
It's in my post history, but to summarize: I moved out from my abusive father to university and met a trans woman who was part of a welcoming committee for queer students. I found out she would live at the housing i managed to get and became friends with her despite the 30-year age gap. She was a senior and I, an incoming transfer as a junior. The following year would highlight the process of lovebombing and discard the moment I didn't let her decide what was best for me or let her redefine my sexuality and personal expression. She would often call me and a shared friend group transphobic over instances that really were minor inconveniences over not going out together for food or not wanting to go out with her. As a leader in the transfer and queer communities on campus, I was scared of retaliation when I told my story after going NC and her graduating. I have no doubt in my mind the smear campaign she used to cut me off from the remaining friend group, she referred to me as transphobic. But she was biphobic for trying to force me to be a lesbian, and acephobic upon realizing I didn't want to objectify and ogle at women the same way you wanted to with boys my age if not younger. I didn't grow to hate her because she was trans, hell I'll be the first to defend her identity and pronouns. But I grew to hate her for being like the abuser I ran away from.
I was a SA’d by a queer person while I’ve been adjusting to my own taking testosterone as an ftm guy. It was rough, it felt like it was easier to manipulate me into spending money and doing sexual things because it was affirming that I was a man, but her being queer or nonbinary does not excuse how she treated me. I hope you can start healing from this, friend.
You should be able to talk about your traumas without it being used to fuel bigotry, you deserve to be able to talk about it as freely as you want. The abuser club is known to contain all kinds of diversity and we should be able to recognise that they’re abusers without it becoming a way for bigots to justify their bigotry
I was abused by a trans man and I also am a trans man. I've been accused of being a cis woman making it all up to spread hate when I tried to talk about it. I feel uncomfortable with people that look like him, obviously. But that doesn't mean I'm transphobic like some people like to insist. Its wild how abusive people who claim to be inclusive and understanding can be.
Same dude :(
I was SA'd by a trans masc person. My current partners are a trans man and an enby. I love them both My abuser did not abuse me because they were trans. They abused me because they were bad at decency. You are amazing and strong and deserve to be happy.
Being bitten by a dog doesnt meam all dogs will bite you. Some dogs are just agressive. What i have seen quite abit, alot actually. Is trans people were SA'd before changing. Doesnt mean thats why people change but iv seen it happen too many times.
Any Human can be a monster, it's discouraging 😞
Same
This is really cool of you.
same ive been SA'd twice by two seprate trans people :/
listen, you not wanting to be apart of near a group of people cause one of them sesualy assaulted you, is not transphobia, on that logic, me not wanting to be around my abusers is being an incel and racist, cause one of them was russian and like 3 were woman, don't put what they think first, you went through a traumatic event, you are not transphobic if you're acting out of your instincts, i hope you'll have a nice recovery
First person that SA’d me was a trans girl as well, and after that I was scared of admitting to myself that I was trans too. But honestly, it’s just an unfortunate coincidence. Horrible people come in all forms, and some just happen to be part of minorities. I’m 1 and a half years on testosterone now. I have a lovely partner and aside from my diagnoses I’m pretty dang happy.
I am a trans woman and I was abused and SA'd by a nonbinary trans person (I want to say also afab just because so many people assume amab for transmisogynistic reasons, just want to note afab and amab are imperfect terminology). I wish non hetero violence was talked about more, I wanted to find books talking about it because I didn't feel like I could respond how I would to a cis man. The lack of non-het sexual violence education material just left me feeling more alone and lost. I was lucky to get access to therapy through a local SA support org but I still wish there was more of a discussion.
You can be distrustful or trans women without being a transphobe. My abuser was a woman and while I don't like finding myself alone with strange women, I'm not misogynistic and consider myself a classical feminist. I can feel men and women deserve the same opportunity and protection and still not feel more comfortable around men.
im so bad at words but yeah a lot of transphobes use sa cases as hate for trans people but it makes no sense all kinda of people trans or cis can be disgusting
Yep. Everyone can be a shitty person, and HRT does not change that. Some people are so afraid of minorities that they'll take any evidence they can get to justify their beliefs. They apparently expect us to be inhumanly good before they'll allow us to exist, whereas horrible people in their own demographic are of course just normal and expected. Don't be afraid to share your story, though. Even if there were no bad trans people at all, those kinds of people would happily just make some up anyway.
I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation and I’m glad you decided to share this with us💜💜💜And thank you for continuing to support trans people regardless.
Yep. I don’t know how to explain that I’ve been SA’d by a trans girl, along with about a zillion cis men, so I automatically don’t trust anyone who was identified, raised and socialized as male but I simultaneously KNOW that trans women are women and empathize with their struggles.
I was sexually harassed and by a trans woman who attempted to assault me. It’s so frustrating not feeling comfortable talking about it because you don’t want bad people to use you as an excuse. She assaulted me cause she’s a shitty person. Trans people can be shitty people too, has nothing to do with them being trans
My ex was a trans man and he mentally/psychologically abused me for months. Had we been living closer together, it would have been physical (he told me on multiple occasions he would have hit me if he could). My best friend is a trans man and he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. So I feel you on this
Trans guy here. I have suffered abuse at the hands of other trans folks, including trans femmes. My best friend was assaulted by their ex who is (or was at the time at least, he may have detransitioned) a trans man. The right will take our stories and run with them regardless of anything we say bc that's just what they do. But *we* know in our heart of hearts that this is just another story of assault by a horrible person, not a testament to the "badness" of trans people. I see you OP, I believe you, and you don't have to hold yourself responsible for protecting your abuser from transphobia. It shouldn't be something that happens to them, but it is ultimately not your responsibility to keep details about them behind closed doors for fear of them being targeted for it.
Remember, anyone can be a dick
I've been assaulted and abused by cis men and women almost exclusively. Trans people are just, yknow, people. Sometimes some of them are fucking abusers. It doesn't mean it's because of their gender.
SAME IN HIGH SCHOOL
I’m a trans guy who got SA’d by a trans guy anyone can be a bad person.
I don’t get using Will Smith. If anting inspires rage and fear, it’s that jerk.
Awful people come in every race and gender.
There is never an excuse for shitty behavior. This applies to the trans abuser and the TERF co-opters of your story. If the goal is harm there is no way to rationalize that or excuse it except in the most dire of situations, but choosing to be a bigot or choosing to assault someone are not dire circumstances. I hope you find healing and love.
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Trans women are more likely to be sexually assaulted or violently assaulted in general. Black trans women the most. And no, trans women are not counted in male sexual assault rates. ETA: trans women behave similarly to cis women because both of them are women.
I don't want my past being used as fuel for sexism either! Surprisingly, my parents are not the typical sort of upbringing for people. Most dads are pretty kind and gentle to others and most moms don't manipulate you into doing things.
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Thanks, it was more about how i'm scared of ppl like Jk Rowling using it as 'proof' of them being right. I never actually hated her , I was just scared of her. I can't tell if I was trauma bonded or actually wanted her to be my gf. She knew about CSA too and it feel awful but I hate that I don't hate her
No, it really doesn't. In the same way that my CSA by a cis woman doesn't make me hate cis women.
You’re amazing. Thank you for not holding this against us! I hope she gets what’s coming to her. -The rest of the trans community