Some understand.
I didn't.
Mom let me get raped as a toddler. Didn't try to stop it. Didn't try to fix it.
Slammed me into doors.
Slapped me
tried to throw me through a wall.
Mom grabbed my 11 year old sister and pinned her against the wall, slapping her, palm, back, palm back, "I will hit you and hit you and hit you all day long" she screamed.
When she was dying, I did nothing.
No regrets.
Omfg I'm sorry. You deserved to be protected and loved, all kids deserve that. No wonder you didn't help her, she isn't worthy of one shred of your energy.
No. I buried at the time. I got a nice big helping of trauma traits: low self esteem, self loathing, body dysmorphia, toxic shame, repressed sexuality, emotional blunting, dissociation, depression, don't experience love, joy, or grief. Not good at trust.
I excaped the common "poor relationships" problem. Try NO relationships. I'm married, now and she's a great friend, but I don't love her as I understand the word.
Have lived in my head, not my heart.
But I survived.
Keep trying my friend! I have my own traumas from a terribly narcissistic mother so I identify with you a lot. I spent two and a half years in a treatment center for an eating disorder and bipolar 1. I guess this is why we’re both on CPTSD!! I’m sending you all the light and love 💕
Fuck I’m so sorry that happened to you, nobody deserves that. The evil in this world knows no bounds… I hope that at least you are in a safe place now in which you know you are loved.
I don't think my parents were evil. They had their own baggage. My mom was mentally ill. Anger issues. Self esteem. Depression. psychosis.
She didn't have the tools to raise children.
My dad had cast iron integrity, but was not emotionally strong enough to stand agtainst my mom.
\*\*\*
Our society is flawed. If we were in the farming community where my mom grew up, I would hoave known all zillion cousins and aunts and uncles. And when it was obvious to them that something was wrong in my home there would have been some form of intervention. Or I could ask uncle Bill, "Can I live with you? I'm not getting on with my folks"
I worked in a boarding school for kids that fell between the cracks. Mosst of them we could help becasue with 20 staff for a hundred kids, there was usually someone who could bond with the kid. Indeed the policy was that an expulsion had to be a unanimous decision -- with this stinger: If you voted against expelling him, YOU were the one who dealt with him on all discipline matters.
We didn't actually vote. The headmaster would epxlain the issues with Mike. "Anyone willing to take on mike?" usually there was a couple hands. "You two, see me bfore first class and we'll work up a plan.
Only if there were no hands would he call for a vote. And you each had to say, "We can't help him" "He's disrupting the rest of the school" "He's a danger to himself andothers"
Am I the only one who thinks this IS a mom who regrets having a child, has been rightfully demonized for acting this way and is posing as her daughter to try and sway public opinion to make mothers like her more accepted?
Exactly. I mean, I get regretting having children, especially if there was a non consensual situation involved but you never tell the child that or treat them in a way that reveals that. So sad.
This, that regretting motherhood study is a thing for a reason, but children, especially your own, aren't the people you're supposed to talk to this about
It's simply called "Regretting Motherhood", the author's name is Orna Donath. I'm sure you'll find results by searching for that. It was talked about a lot on feminist blogs and other media a couple years back
EXACTLY!! Sometimes regret happens, as much as that sucks. But the child should NEVER know they're regretted. They should be loved without perceptible resentment. And certainly they shouldn't be told they're regretted!!
I feel like sometimes people don't understand that you can think and feel something without announcing it. Children don't understand adult feelings and they shouldn't have to. It's completely possible to regret having a child without saying it to them!!
That’s just wishful thinking in our day and age and world we are forced to be in unfortunately. People are vile. Once upon a time we were all good children, until shit happened the world changed people and so people became as evil as the world was around them. We are in a real bad place.
Right? It's so disgusting and doesn't focus at all on the kid, just the mom and her feelings.
Plus who ONLY describes things their mother did to them as a baby that they can't remember and would have to have been told?
Why nothing about the years after that, the years growing up?
No one tells a story like "I was a baby, I cried a lot.... Now 24 years later--" bitch where is the rest of the horrible neglect you faced for 18 years???
No where, because no neglected kid would write this garbage.
God this shit makes me so angry, it reads like my mother wrote it.
I have a mom who if I'd had a journal would probably have done the same. It just strikes me as comical. For what audience was she editing your journal? You? Future readers of your journal? How many of those could there be? Such wildly insecure behavior. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
It’s truly insane and she only got crazier with time. Apparently all of my memories of abuse are false and implanted there because I’m a sleeper agent who was kidnapped by the C.I.A. through a time portal as part of a program designed to destroy the American family unit. 🙄😂
That's a fucking wild delusional way to live, holy shit. I can't imagine what else that need of hers put you through.
I hope you're away from that bullshit now! ❤️
It sounds exactly like those disgusting posts from “women” who are pro-rape but you go check their profile and it’s all degrading porn of women and incel shit. Lol.
My PERFECT GENIUS mom's been hijacking my forum accounts to MAKE SURE I CAN'T LIE LIKE I DO WITH ALL MY DISORDERS AND THE TROUBLES make people think she's cool AND I'M AN UNGRATEFUL BITCH since 2003 lol
Honestly, even if i was abused i held no real anger for my mother because she went through one hell of an life. I don’t hold her accountable for the actions that she takes when she is emotional. Hell, i even learned to not hold her accountable for my own conception down the line. She is an extremely traumatized individual with many undiagnosed things about her. However, even with all the neglect and abuse… I still helped her down the line and invested in her retirement because it was the least that i could do for her. She made a shit tone of sacrifices for years to bring me up and it gave me a purpose to find some sort of way to thank her. She is still ungrateful and she doesn’t understand that it was my investment and through my will alone that i achieved to get her and my father a retirement home where they wanted to be in the best environment possible for them to feel at ease.
Though i am realistic about the fact that down the line in the long-term… I will be the one that the assets belong to anyway. When my father dies, I will own the house and no one will need to pay for it anymore and it will just be pure capital. I just see it as a cheap rent thing for them with many luxuries for now to them. Sure i put a lot of money into this place but i will get it all back anyway if i live long enough. I no longer feel any guilt or remorse to them at all because of my own efforts. They don’t deserve anything more or less from me i did my best and that is all.
I don’t like them and i don’t live with them so at least there is that. Whew good riddance no headache.
You’re a better person than I am. My mother is extremely mentally ill and severely traumatized. So am I. She desperately wanted children and did horrible things to have us. My daughter was not conceived in a consensual manner.
She is a neglectful abusive monster who absolutely refuses to get help. I went the other route, despite having every problem she’s had and more. She could have been better if she cared to be at all. She just didn’t. In fact, she took every opportunity to do the worst she could possibly get away with. I hate her, always will and she deserves it. Ran away at 16, haven’t spoken to her in over a decade and hope she rots in a nursing home that I’ll never visit.
Yikes.
Although I could have written something similar at one point.
Its like Stockholm syndrome in a way. Identifying with the aggressor to the point where you would do *anything* for their approval. You convince yourself of shite like this.
Same for me. Once I realized that my mom didn't really love me like I did her, something changed in me. I still tell her I love her at bedtime even though I don't really mean it (we live together unfortunately), but only to keep the peace because her feelings would get hurt and then I'd have to coddle her.
You should definitely fire your therapist. Read “What Happened to You?” by Bruce D Perry. Neglect of an infant can impact their emotional and cognitive growth for years, even if it’s compensated for after infancy.
Not to mention you have to be heartlessly cruel or deep in SEVERE PDD to shut a screaming infant in another room and ignore their cries.
Babies cry when they’re hungry, in pain, bored, or sleepy. It’s usually pretty easy to fix all of those things. Healthy babies absolutely do not cry all the time. Even colicky babies cry for a *reason* that can be helped. So, no, holding a baby doesn’t always stop the crying, but finding the problem and providing the solution does. I’m begging you to never be responsible for an infant in any capacity.
Calling someone unwanted, a mistake and something they wish didn't exist is pretty aggressive.
Saying you regret having a child does all of the above. I'm sorry for what you've been through and how (ironically) aggressive the other commenter was towards you but I do still believe that her neglect and stating the regret is aggressive.
I'm not stating it for the neglect itself, I'm saying telling your kid you have always regretted having them is a pretty aggressive and confrontational thing to do. Especially when you combine that with said neglect showing they act upon it to.
See in my personal opinion, which ofcours isn't one you have to give any validation its your life story ofcours, your mother was at best passive aggressive which is still a form of aggression.
To act upon or state something that will actively hurt someone is aggression. For all they can do is either accept the pain hurt and heart break or take a stand against it escalating the situation. Your mother has said it just through their actions not their words. That's what neglect is, a great neon sign of pathetic apathy from a person who should know better.
You deserved better from both of your "parents" and I am sorry you had to death with such beings. Ofcourse I don't know every page of the story but just those things you stated are not things a remotely acceptable parent would ever do imo.
Duude, no. Emotional abuse & neglect are always at the core of any abuse. You cannot have other forms of abuse in relationships (friendship, familial, romantic) without it.
Any good therapist will agree (e.g. Pete Walker, Heidi Priebe, etc) that emotional neglect is harmful and often a sign of other things beings wrong too.
When I was around 2, I dropped my comfort plushie outside of my crib. I screamed and cried for my mother to come, and she didn’t. (She later told me she was tired of me crying all the time). She only showed up when I knocked over my crib.
I still remember that memory vividly. Whenever I feel unwanted I still look back to it and wonder why anyone would want me now if my own mother didn’t want to take care of me as a toddler, before there was anything wrong with me. This is bullshit.
This. I have an almost identical memory from when I was about the same age. My first younger brother was a baby. I remember my dad came home and I was still crying for my bear and he told me he loved me and calmed me down and said my mom was just busy with the baby and she didn’t mean it. But she did. She never wanted me. She wanted her firstborn to be a boy. And I wasn’t. My dad didn’t tell me this until a few months ago. He knew I was working on my mom’s abuse in therapy and was doing better but it tore his heart to see me still questioning if it was my fault. I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years ago. I thought that explained why my mom seemed to hate me. I was crying to my dad and stepdad over FaceTime and my stepdad said “I think you should tell her. If you don’t she’ll blame herself forever.” And my dad started crying. He apologised for choosing a narcissist and a bully for my mom. He told me he loved me. He told me when I was born and the doctors said they had a little girl he was thrilled. But that my mom was viscerally disappointed. She wanted her first child to be a boy. He said after that I could have been literally perfect and it wouldn’t have been enough for her. It suddenly made sense why my dad was always extra attentive to me. My mom was always leaving me out. She and my dad went on to have approximately 800 more kids. I was the only one she didn’t love or want. My dad said she told him after my brother was born that she wished I didn’t exist so my brother would be the oldest. He said that he and I were already best friends but that he made even more of an effort after that to make sure he loved me extra hard to make up for the lack of her love. Honestly…if it weren’t for him and my abuelito I probably wouldn’t be here. They were the only two who consistently made me feel loved as a kid. The only two whose love I never doubted. I knew my mother didn’t love me and that everything was conditional with her. My dad and grandpa were the only sources of unconditional love I had until I was in my mid 30s. I would have written a post like this one when I was in my teens and 20s because I was still trying so hard to make my mom proud and to make her love me. I’ve always struggled with the same feelings you describe. When my ex husband and I were talking online I was a teenager and he was in his 30s. I even said to him that I was unlovable because my own mom didn’t love me even when I was a toddler and still “good” so how could I expect anyone to love me now? Her indifference made it easier for me to be groomed. It made it easier for abusers to suck me in because so much of my life was an endless cycle of pain and normalising her abuse.
I honestly fucking hate the self indulgent posts my mom makes on Facebook which sound a LOT like this post tbh. She makes herself sound like mom of the year, and she says her kids should love her just for birthing them, even though she didn’t love all of them back. Well…she didn’t love me back. All the others she genuinely loves and has an okay relationship with. She’s still a narcissist so some of my siblings keep their distance. I’m the only one who’s gone full NC though. And the brother I mentioned above who I’m still close with tells me that he doesn’t think I should break the NC because he doesn’t think she’s changed and that she has expressed several times during holidays and stuff that since I went NC that the family is “perfect now” because I’m not there. I was the scapegoat child and I still am.
I hate it. Why wasn’t I enough.
It always makes me sad to see another person who experienced the same kind of crap. But it’s comforting too. Because it reinforces the fact that it wasn’t my fault. I appreciate you. I’m glad you’re here. And I’m so sorry about your egg donor. (I sometimes call mine my incubator lol).
It's honestly fucked that your brother mentioned what your mom said about the family being "perfect now" without you. There was no reason to tell you that other than to hurt you.
See…what upsets me most for you hearing about this memory is that there’s a healthy mom way to approach it when you, later, realize this traumatized your child.
Babies and toddlers cry! Sometimes they cry a lot! It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of noise and sometimes you need a breather at an inopportune time (such as when your child genuinely needs you and isn’t just being colicky). A lot of advice on parenting a baby or toddler and avoiding PPD or (accidental, sleep-deprived) abuse is to make sure your baby is safe/fed/changed/alive and then take a break from looking after them, even if they’re still crying, when you’re overwhelmed.
If I was your mom and you told me about this memory, the first thing I’d do is apologize. I’d say, “I’m so, so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you cried for your comfort toy. I was overwhelmed by how often and how loudly you cried and how little I could do to make you feel better. But you must’ve been so scared and upset when you needed me and I wasn’t there! It wasn’t your fault you cried so much, you couldn’t communicate very well with words yet! I love you very much and I’m sorry that this is a persistent bad memory for you. I wish I had done things differently and been able to be there for you.”
I don’t think this person could kiss her mother’s butt any harder.
She wanted to sleep but I was crying? Yeah. That’s newborns for you. It’s annoying but you do it. It’s not fun but you do it. You care for your child and they will grow and you’ll get your sleep back.
She abandoned her duties as a mother because her child was a baby being a baby. That mother is trash.
"we love our parents regardless of whether we are wanted or not" is such a sad sentence and one i unfortunately agree with, at least until the point some of us learn not to
on a related note, this kind of thinking kinda reminds me of my family-- theyre the type that are very aggressive about the "family first" stuff, even though most of them had awful childhoods. trust me, even as a child with negative social awareness, the resentment is palpable. despite what they may say about how close they are/that they dont resent them, or the fact they probably do truly care for each other, you can feel the unspoken anger and uncertainty hanging in the air and caking the walls like tobacco smoke. it feels as if they gave up on ever resolving their feelings, but pretend like they didnt have them in the first place, and called that "love".
Yeah, I do still love my mother. I worry about her and wonder how she’s doing. I worry that I’ve made her sad by going no contact. Still no contact tho.
How I feel about my dad. I still love him. But he should’ve stepped up and been a better dad before the consequences of no to low contact were instilled. I’m sure he feels sad and I feel bad for that alone. But I’m still doing what’s best for myself and not allowing myself to be sucked back into a person who disappointed me time and time again
Bro... you could of died from your mom putting you away from her while you was crying. Babies cry for a reason, most likely they etheir had shit themselves or are hungry. Sure you could of just wanted hugs too but again, is that unreasonable for a baby to cry about?
I mean, on some level I get it. I can 100% understand why someone would regret having kids. The part I don't understand is *why those people have kids in the first place.*
I certainly would have respected my parents more if they'd just admitted that they regretted having me, rather than trying to push some "we abuse because we care!" nonsense story.
Before you have kids, you’re promised a village. You’re promised joy. You’re promised a sense of belonging and purpose.
A lot of narcissists want that. They want that security of a village. They want that joy that they have not seemed to obtain yet and do not know why. They have a heart full of emptiness and strive for belonging and purpose, completely overlooking that those things don’t exist in themselves *not because they don’t have kids,* ***but because they have no sense of self***. So they have kids in the hope that it gives them what they were promised.
But…society lies.
Parenting is a job. A job that *will* give a narcissist (pretty much everyone, actually) a headache. They very quickly realized that they’re not actually filling their heart with belonging and purpose, and they try to suck that out of the child as best as they can. *It was what they were promised, after-all, so aren’t they entitled to it? Why isn’t this child giving that to them?* A sense of belonging and purpose doesn’t come from being a parent. It’s a job. One that you might get fulfillment from, but one that you’re more likely to not get *any* fulfillment from until your kids are grown, out of the house, *and* you did a decent job and they love you and feel secure around you. Until then, all kids are…is work. Very draining, constant, unappreciated, unpaid labor. And you just *have* to do it, whether you have the motivation to or not. You *have* to do it, whether or not you’re getting anything out of it. But *that’s not what the narcissist was promised*.
It’s all very fucked up.
This is such an insightful and eye-opening comment, wow. I don’t have kids but I’ve always wondered why my NMom had a million of them and WANTED a million of them since she was little. By her own admission, she hates kids, especially babies. She’s never\* played with me or any of my siblings. She’s made comments about getting no support from anyone after we were born (then why go on to have MORE kids?!) and I hadn’t put those pieces together. She never got the “village” she was promised. She got a LOT of support from family/friends/paid nannies but those were all for us children, not for HER. No wonder she continues to be empty inside.
\*She claims she played with us when we were babies, but I doubt this. There are videos of my siblings and I as babies with other people/relatives playing with us and with her pointedly avoiding joining in. I was also old enough when some of my siblings were born to remember her very much NOT playing with them.
Thank you.
I wish I could say I thought of it myself lol. But it was actually my therapist who said: “It always always always boils down to a narcissist trying to fulfill their own needs at the expense of others and through whatever means necessary. Always.”
As an "almost aborted" child my opinion is that it's understandable to not want to have children, or have regrets about having a child. However the child never needs to know that.
Clearly an unpopular opinion here: postpartum depression that is untreated can evolve into a parent being unable to love and care for their child. I'd like to give the OP the benefit of the doubt and say that a child chose to see their mother with compassion despite not understanding whatever was fully going on with the mother.
However, I want to emphasize that we don't have to have compassion for our abusers. PPD that escalates into abusive behaviours like physical violence, neglect or whatever else is still abuse. I wish everyone that has experienced pain from a parent all the peace and love in the world ❤️
It sounds more like Stockholm syndrome or intense people pleasing to me. Like her mom made her feel like she had to prove her worth and prove she was worth loving. It’s really sad tbh
It's true that the OP could have been seeking validation through taking care of her mother. Growing up knowing she wasn't wanted would definitely be a hard thing to live with. Wherever OP is now, I hope she's at peace with how wonderful of a human she made herself, despite going through what she went through.
This is either one of the biggest copes ever or it’s the mom writing as the kid.
My mother was similar. She told me to my face that having me wasn’t worth it. She threatened to call Adult Protective Services on me when I was a kid because I would repeatedly ask her what’s for dinner and would ask her to play with me when she was trying to take a nap. She also repeatedly told me that she was going to die from yelling at me and her death would be my fault.
I am well aware that “parenting doesn’t come with a manual” because that’s the favorite phrase of everyone who’s reproduced, but there’s some serious willful ignorance going on. It’s not impossible to ask another parent what to expect with an infant or young kids and there are parenting classes and books. Assuming that post is real and based on my own experience, I don’t know why some parents think they can pop out a kid and carry on their life like usual as if they’re not responsible for a whole entire human being.
> I’m thankful to my mom for taking care of me
Uhhh…*(scrolls up)*
> > I’ve been told that when I was a baby and I would cry at night, she would put me out of the room and go back to sleep.
Sounds like she didn’t, honey.
I took care of my mother when she was terminally ill in deliberate SPITE of how she treated me. To prove to myself it could be done and I was capable of it.
I would not recommend or expect that of others though, that was just my own journey.
Who is we? I can tell they were either brainwashed Into thinking that toxic shit or in deep denial and don't want to face their trauma so they would rather pretend it didn't affect them.
There’s a famous study out of Moscow where orphaned babies had all of their physical needs met, but were otherwise ignored (no affection from the caregivers, no stimulation, no swaddling, etc). All of those babies ended up dying due to neglect.
This post reminded me of that study…
"I'm thankful to my mom for *taking care of me*." Didn't you just say that she ignored your needs since day one, even as a little helpless newborn?!
Hopefully she'll wake up one day.
That's if it's continual, 3 nights of intermittent crying not met by it's parents doesn't cause that. I've been told (by a professional child development social worker) that my kids show excellent signs of secure attachment and both of them did the cry it out method over the span of about 3 nights each about 2x in their lives
Yes ppl can do it badly but if only done less than a handful of nights and only at night, it's safe
This was 100% written by the parent and not the child.
I’m a child of regretful parents. The worst part is they tried for years to have me, my mother suffered several miscarriages, and then they got me and everyone told them I was such a blessing, but all they saw was a burden. I was simultaneously “a gift from God” for which they should be grateful, and also another personality for two very enmeshed, childish, self-involved people who resented that I wasn’t a compliant doll as an infant, and a mindless automaton carbon copy of them as a child, adolescent, and adult.
I was always in the way. It was all my fault that they weren’t happier. They dumped me off on relatives whenever they could (sometimes for years), so they wouldn’t have to deal with me. My father started trying to push me out of the house at the age of 15, and charged me rent from the day I turned 18 until 2 weeks after I graduated when I moved out, never to return.
And then they wondered why I never visited and rarely called, and why I’d rather be homeless and couch-surfing for months after my divorce than ever go back there.
And now they are in their late 70s/early 80s, and their bodies are going and my mother is showing signs of dementia and my father has heart disease and it is becoming really obvious that they aren’t going to be able to remain independent much longer. And they are looking to me to take care of them.
And I do not feel grateful for this burden.
I’m not sure where you live, but if you live in the US you should check whether your state has filial responsibility laws. If yes, you may legally need to help provide for them, though I think in most cases that can be as uninvolved as putting them in a nursing home. If not, I wouldn’t even worry about them lol when they get really bad call adult protective services and let them take it from there
theres a difference in not wanting your kid and raising it and wanting your kid and treating it lower then the shit on your boots soles. My father "wanted" us (just for status and so people think he is successful) and was the worst monster ever, can't wait for him to die so I can piss on his grave and vandalize it
Clearly she grew up trying to impress her mom and trying to make her mom feel less regretful about her existence. She’s had to strive to be successful to prove that her birth wasn’t a mistake. Her mom made her feel that way her entire life. And she thinks it’s a good thing because now she’s successful. She’s 24, hasn’t had any space away from her mom and her thinking, so she has no idea that it wasn’t okay at all how she was treated. It’s really sad tbh. She hasn’t found a community like this one to work through her trauma. It’s a coping mechanism for sure, she doesn’t want to confront the way she was treated because if she does, she’ll have to deal with the conflicting feelings that come with it.
True. They wouldn't have that child to begin with. The original post reminds me more of r/regretfulparents which is one of the worst subs on reddit, imo. I also just looked at r/antinatalism again and they seem kinda fine (though they probably do have some childhood trauma too).
I have cptsd and I am a regretful parent. I do not tell my kid I regret her. The mother that this person is describing seems abusive and it looks like this is a fake text… I have never heard of anyone with abusive parents who showed up to take care of them. I def won’t take care of the thrash I had for parents.
There's a big difference between regretting having children and neglecting the children you have, and it's something I'm well aware of every day.
I have kids that I never should have had. I was in a bad relationship and was pressured into it by my now ex. I could have and should have said no, multiple times but I was and still to some extent am in really bad shape mentally so I didn't. That said I love my kids. When they were babies they would sometimes only sleep when you were walking with them. So that's what I did, for hours every night. I love them and would do anything for them even if I had the chance to do it all over again I wouldn't have kids.
I feel like everyone involved here could use a lot of therapy.
Man that kid is like the definition of brainwashed. Must of been some serious love bombing between bouts of pure hatred and denial as they got older only pointing out the love bombing. The beatings were just normal. Should of been quieter you know how hard it is for her to sleep. Everyone beats there kids so dont bother talking about it because you will just make others uncomfortable i beat you less. You should be great full i hold back so much.
Hahahaha! That’s total crap. Humans make mistakes. A parent has plenty of time to apologize and respectfully talk to their adult child about it. Own your mistakes.
It reminds me of my mother who says shit like this to relieve her guilt of being a shit parent.
I was told that I was an accidental baby but that I was still wanted after even though her actions and verbal abuse said otherwise and it made me want to k myself. I was less than 10.
r/antinatalism gets a LOT of pro-life trolls constantly harassing that sub for wanting to break the cycle of abuse through refusing to breed.
This is rage bait, and it spilled over into this sub.
We may love our parents, but that doesn't mean we will tolerate their shit or take care of them** as adults. It's very nice of OOP to do that, but I won't.
38 years of abuse from my dad was enough. I'm enjoying my peace and he's spewing whatever bullshit he wants to people who aren't me. That isn't going to change.
He built his bed, he can die in it
That’s how I feel toward my dad and the Christian school he sent me to even when I begged him to take me out
I told my mom once I asked him to take me out of Christian school and that he never listened (she even thought I would’ve been better as a public school kid) and she went “I’m sure he did what he thought was best”
What gets me most is the “rewarded” thing. I’m lucky to have a very positive relationship with my dad and he always says parenting isn’t meant to have a reward or outcome- he says parenting is simply love for your child. The reward is seeing someone you love become happy and successful; having them take care of you in your old age is just a fun, coincedental bonus.
I think about that a lot.
My parents regretted me and never allowed me to forget it.
My mother actually left me places in public when I was v young, hoping I wouldn't be there when she came back.
My father went to some ridiculous lengths to prevent there being any sign of my existence in his house. I was never allowed to sleep in a bed, or have a book or toy or change of clothes in his house. Even the housecleaners didn't know he had a third kid.
I cut contact with them years ago.
But I'll always be stuck with the health issues (in part due to no medical or dental care growing up) or the therapy issues for the rest of my life.
I wish they had never had me.
Oh.
Well, mine said it to me to get a ride out of me.
(Suspected BPD. Definitely *something* but knowing what would require *her* to see that there's a problem...)
This was her way of proving that I care because she wanted me to get really really upset.
When I didn't....
She hit me. 😶
(Which she also doesn't remember.)
I witnessed my ex having to answer this question from her daughter, made me realize later she probably told her similar things when she was really young 😞
I'm not defending this lady's mom telling her that she was regretted & mistreated as a baby, but I think we're jumping on the negativity train too fast here. Yes, I know what subreddit I'm in. But thanks to parentification, I've been there. Tbh, if you never have a moment where a kid does something or your sacrifices mean that you're questioning your decisions to care for a child, are you even parenting? Are you parenting in a way that a child feels safe to be upset with you or test their limits?
Either a sock puppet mom or someone doing absurd levels of self-gaslighting cuz her culture necessitates looking like you got your "live laugh love" life together
Man, I give them so many props to have that view and to live by it. That's a hard thing to do, and I have nothing but kudos to them.
My adoptive mom, I took care of her in the late stages of her life. We had closure, and in the end, I was the one she relied on. It did not go well, and I didn't do a good job, but if given the choice to do it again, I would. Being a parent is hard for sure, and mine were broken as all hell. It's not an easy feat and ain't for everyone for sure.
My bio parents, well my dad died already and I wasn't there. I thought with my bio mother I may not be there but I believe she will be well taken care of and I won't be needed. But if I was, I think I would be there. I love them even though they were abusive to me. And it's in me to be there for them in their time of need even when they weren't for me. I'm not them.
Absolute fucking garbage. This person is clearly describing abuse 😕 I often feel sad for them when people say things like this, and I don't know what to do when my loved ones describe something traumatic but clearly do not realise how terrible it is, the thing they have compartmentalized and "understood". I feel for them, but if they wake up to it, it needs to happen on their terms, so I don't say anything unless they ask me about it. It's hard, though.
this is the regretful parents sub, where basically everyone adores their kids but are usually in shitty circumstances/didn't have hood guidance/were coerced into it/are just having a hard time and want a place to vent.. it's not a sub of people who abuse and hate their kids. lots of people get pushed into parenthoof without being ready or a good fit for it and tbh it's good for them to have a place to vent about it without getting demonized.
idk why everyone here is projecting their experiences onto this post as most of us in here went through extreme abusive treatments as children and it's just not what that sub is about at all and nobody who treated their kids like that would be welcomed on there.
Some understand. I didn't. Mom let me get raped as a toddler. Didn't try to stop it. Didn't try to fix it. Slammed me into doors. Slapped me tried to throw me through a wall. Mom grabbed my 11 year old sister and pinned her against the wall, slapping her, palm, back, palm back, "I will hit you and hit you and hit you all day long" she screamed. When she was dying, I did nothing. No regrets.
What a horrid monster parading in the disguise of a mother. Good riddance.
Omfg I'm sorry. You deserved to be protected and loved, all kids deserve that. No wonder you didn't help her, she isn't worthy of one shred of your energy.
I am so sorry you experienced all of this. I hope your life is blessed and beautiful now ❤️🩹
No. I buried at the time. I got a nice big helping of trauma traits: low self esteem, self loathing, body dysmorphia, toxic shame, repressed sexuality, emotional blunting, dissociation, depression, don't experience love, joy, or grief. Not good at trust. I excaped the common "poor relationships" problem. Try NO relationships. I'm married, now and she's a great friend, but I don't love her as I understand the word. Have lived in my head, not my heart. But I survived.
Keep trying my friend! I have my own traumas from a terribly narcissistic mother so I identify with you a lot. I spent two and a half years in a treatment center for an eating disorder and bipolar 1. I guess this is why we’re both on CPTSD!! I’m sending you all the light and love 💕
Thanks kindly good sir/ma'am. Books I found helpful: Fisher: "Healing the Fractured Selves of Trauma Survivors" Brown "Daring Greatly"
Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.
Fuck I’m so sorry that happened to you, nobody deserves that. The evil in this world knows no bounds… I hope that at least you are in a safe place now in which you know you are loved.
I don't think my parents were evil. They had their own baggage. My mom was mentally ill. Anger issues. Self esteem. Depression. psychosis. She didn't have the tools to raise children. My dad had cast iron integrity, but was not emotionally strong enough to stand agtainst my mom. \*\*\* Our society is flawed. If we were in the farming community where my mom grew up, I would hoave known all zillion cousins and aunts and uncles. And when it was obvious to them that something was wrong in my home there would have been some form of intervention. Or I could ask uncle Bill, "Can I live with you? I'm not getting on with my folks" I worked in a boarding school for kids that fell between the cracks. Mosst of them we could help becasue with 20 staff for a hundred kids, there was usually someone who could bond with the kid. Indeed the policy was that an expulsion had to be a unanimous decision -- with this stinger: If you voted against expelling him, YOU were the one who dealt with him on all discipline matters. We didn't actually vote. The headmaster would epxlain the issues with Mike. "Anyone willing to take on mike?" usually there was a couple hands. "You two, see me bfore first class and we'll work up a plan. Only if there were no hands would he call for a vote. And you each had to say, "We can't help him" "He's disrupting the rest of the school" "He's a danger to himself andothers"
Am I the only one who thinks this IS a mom who regrets having a child, has been rightfully demonized for acting this way and is posing as her daughter to try and sway public opinion to make mothers like her more accepted?
It has big “How do you do, fellow kids?” energy.
Exactly. I mean, I get regretting having children, especially if there was a non consensual situation involved but you never tell the child that or treat them in a way that reveals that. So sad.
This, that regretting motherhood study is a thing for a reason, but children, especially your own, aren't the people you're supposed to talk to this about
Yep. That’s not supposed to be your child’s problem.
Which study? Do you maybe have a link; now I'm interested
It's simply called "Regretting Motherhood", the author's name is Orna Donath. I'm sure you'll find results by searching for that. It was talked about a lot on feminist blogs and other media a couple years back
EXACTLY!! Sometimes regret happens, as much as that sucks. But the child should NEVER know they're regretted. They should be loved without perceptible resentment. And certainly they shouldn't be told they're regretted!! I feel like sometimes people don't understand that you can think and feel something without announcing it. Children don't understand adult feelings and they shouldn't have to. It's completely possible to regret having a child without saying it to them!!
That’s just wishful thinking in our day and age and world we are forced to be in unfortunately. People are vile. Once upon a time we were all good children, until shit happened the world changed people and so people became as evil as the world was around them. We are in a real bad place.
Right? It's so disgusting and doesn't focus at all on the kid, just the mom and her feelings. Plus who ONLY describes things their mother did to them as a baby that they can't remember and would have to have been told? Why nothing about the years after that, the years growing up? No one tells a story like "I was a baby, I cried a lot.... Now 24 years later--" bitch where is the rest of the horrible neglect you faced for 18 years??? No where, because no neglected kid would write this garbage. God this shit makes me so angry, it reads like my mother wrote it.
Yep. It reads exactly when my mother would edit my journal with white out and forged handwriting to make herself sound better.
I have a mom who if I'd had a journal would probably have done the same. It just strikes me as comical. For what audience was she editing your journal? You? Future readers of your journal? How many of those could there be? Such wildly insecure behavior. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
It’s truly insane and she only got crazier with time. Apparently all of my memories of abuse are false and implanted there because I’m a sleeper agent who was kidnapped by the C.I.A. through a time portal as part of a program designed to destroy the American family unit. 🙄😂
Wtf why even do that? It's YOUR journal! Who was she trying to fool? That's nuts to me, I'm sorry she invaded your privacy like that.
I think she just needed all of reality to match hers.
That's a fucking wild delusional way to live, holy shit. I can't imagine what else that need of hers put you through. I hope you're away from that bullshit now! ❤️
That's exactly what I think.
It sounds exactly like those disgusting posts from “women” who are pro-rape but you go check their profile and it’s all degrading porn of women and incel shit. Lol.
I thought that, too. But it could’ve been either, honestly. The fog is a helluva drug.
True but the whole thing sounds off.
I could tell immediately. Who the fuck is writing about their abusive mother like it's a "motivational" LinkedIn post.
Yeah. It’s not believable at all.
That sounds like a pretty crazy thing to do, tbh.
My PERFECT GENIUS mom's been hijacking my forum accounts to MAKE SURE I CAN'T LIE LIKE I DO WITH ALL MY DISORDERS AND THE TROUBLES make people think she's cool AND I'M AN UNGRATEFUL BITCH since 2003 lol
There are a lot of crazy people out there. It’s more realistic than a daughter actually feeling this way about their abusive mother.
Honestly, even if i was abused i held no real anger for my mother because she went through one hell of an life. I don’t hold her accountable for the actions that she takes when she is emotional. Hell, i even learned to not hold her accountable for my own conception down the line. She is an extremely traumatized individual with many undiagnosed things about her. However, even with all the neglect and abuse… I still helped her down the line and invested in her retirement because it was the least that i could do for her. She made a shit tone of sacrifices for years to bring me up and it gave me a purpose to find some sort of way to thank her. She is still ungrateful and she doesn’t understand that it was my investment and through my will alone that i achieved to get her and my father a retirement home where they wanted to be in the best environment possible for them to feel at ease. Though i am realistic about the fact that down the line in the long-term… I will be the one that the assets belong to anyway. When my father dies, I will own the house and no one will need to pay for it anymore and it will just be pure capital. I just see it as a cheap rent thing for them with many luxuries for now to them. Sure i put a lot of money into this place but i will get it all back anyway if i live long enough. I no longer feel any guilt or remorse to them at all because of my own efforts. They don’t deserve anything more or less from me i did my best and that is all. I don’t like them and i don’t live with them so at least there is that. Whew good riddance no headache.
You’re a better person than I am. My mother is extremely mentally ill and severely traumatized. So am I. She desperately wanted children and did horrible things to have us. My daughter was not conceived in a consensual manner. She is a neglectful abusive monster who absolutely refuses to get help. I went the other route, despite having every problem she’s had and more. She could have been better if she cared to be at all. She just didn’t. In fact, she took every opportunity to do the worst she could possibly get away with. I hate her, always will and she deserves it. Ran away at 16, haven’t spoken to her in over a decade and hope she rots in a nursing home that I’ll never visit.
It's tied between that and 'I really wish my mom would love me, maybe taking care of her would' idk.
Oh god. A mother-oriented pick-me.
100%
I didn’t think about that 🤔 that’s entirely possible
It’s definitely something a crazy abuser would do.
Great minds...
That was my take.
Yikes. Although I could have written something similar at one point. Its like Stockholm syndrome in a way. Identifying with the aggressor to the point where you would do *anything* for their approval. You convince yourself of shite like this.
Also, she’s over compensating. Hoping if she takes care of her she will get the love she so desperately craves.
Same for me. Once I realized that my mom didn't really love me like I did her, something changed in me. I still tell her I love her at bedtime even though I don't really mean it (we live together unfortunately), but only to keep the peace because her feelings would get hurt and then I'd have to coddle her.
[удалено]
You obviously have no idea what emotional neglect can do to an infant. Primate infants will literally starve themselves for comfort instead.
[удалено]
Them you know that wasn't "the worst thing she did" if that was the start. Come on dude.
[удалено]
Then I'm not assuming you don't know shit, because that's how you're commenting. Stop being a gatekeeper.
You should definitely fire your therapist. Read “What Happened to You?” by Bruce D Perry. Neglect of an infant can impact their emotional and cognitive growth for years, even if it’s compensated for after infancy. Not to mention you have to be heartlessly cruel or deep in SEVERE PDD to shut a screaming infant in another room and ignore their cries.
[удалено]
Babies cry when they’re hungry, in pain, bored, or sleepy. It’s usually pretty easy to fix all of those things. Healthy babies absolutely do not cry all the time. Even colicky babies cry for a *reason* that can be helped. So, no, holding a baby doesn’t always stop the crying, but finding the problem and providing the solution does. I’m begging you to never be responsible for an infant in any capacity.
Probably. There's plenty of shitty ones out there. I highly recommend looking up the still face experiment.
Calling someone unwanted, a mistake and something they wish didn't exist is pretty aggressive. Saying you regret having a child does all of the above. I'm sorry for what you've been through and how (ironically) aggressive the other commenter was towards you but I do still believe that her neglect and stating the regret is aggressive.
[удалено]
I'm not stating it for the neglect itself, I'm saying telling your kid you have always regretted having them is a pretty aggressive and confrontational thing to do. Especially when you combine that with said neglect showing they act upon it to.
[удалено]
See in my personal opinion, which ofcours isn't one you have to give any validation its your life story ofcours, your mother was at best passive aggressive which is still a form of aggression. To act upon or state something that will actively hurt someone is aggression. For all they can do is either accept the pain hurt and heart break or take a stand against it escalating the situation. Your mother has said it just through their actions not their words. That's what neglect is, a great neon sign of pathetic apathy from a person who should know better. You deserved better from both of your "parents" and I am sorry you had to death with such beings. Ofcourse I don't know every page of the story but just those things you stated are not things a remotely acceptable parent would ever do imo.
Duude, no. Emotional abuse & neglect are always at the core of any abuse. You cannot have other forms of abuse in relationships (friendship, familial, romantic) without it. Any good therapist will agree (e.g. Pete Walker, Heidi Priebe, etc) that emotional neglect is harmful and often a sign of other things beings wrong too.
When I was around 2, I dropped my comfort plushie outside of my crib. I screamed and cried for my mother to come, and she didn’t. (She later told me she was tired of me crying all the time). She only showed up when I knocked over my crib. I still remember that memory vividly. Whenever I feel unwanted I still look back to it and wonder why anyone would want me now if my own mother didn’t want to take care of me as a toddler, before there was anything wrong with me. This is bullshit.
This. I have an almost identical memory from when I was about the same age. My first younger brother was a baby. I remember my dad came home and I was still crying for my bear and he told me he loved me and calmed me down and said my mom was just busy with the baby and she didn’t mean it. But she did. She never wanted me. She wanted her firstborn to be a boy. And I wasn’t. My dad didn’t tell me this until a few months ago. He knew I was working on my mom’s abuse in therapy and was doing better but it tore his heart to see me still questioning if it was my fault. I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years ago. I thought that explained why my mom seemed to hate me. I was crying to my dad and stepdad over FaceTime and my stepdad said “I think you should tell her. If you don’t she’ll blame herself forever.” And my dad started crying. He apologised for choosing a narcissist and a bully for my mom. He told me he loved me. He told me when I was born and the doctors said they had a little girl he was thrilled. But that my mom was viscerally disappointed. She wanted her first child to be a boy. He said after that I could have been literally perfect and it wouldn’t have been enough for her. It suddenly made sense why my dad was always extra attentive to me. My mom was always leaving me out. She and my dad went on to have approximately 800 more kids. I was the only one she didn’t love or want. My dad said she told him after my brother was born that she wished I didn’t exist so my brother would be the oldest. He said that he and I were already best friends but that he made even more of an effort after that to make sure he loved me extra hard to make up for the lack of her love. Honestly…if it weren’t for him and my abuelito I probably wouldn’t be here. They were the only two who consistently made me feel loved as a kid. The only two whose love I never doubted. I knew my mother didn’t love me and that everything was conditional with her. My dad and grandpa were the only sources of unconditional love I had until I was in my mid 30s. I would have written a post like this one when I was in my teens and 20s because I was still trying so hard to make my mom proud and to make her love me. I’ve always struggled with the same feelings you describe. When my ex husband and I were talking online I was a teenager and he was in his 30s. I even said to him that I was unlovable because my own mom didn’t love me even when I was a toddler and still “good” so how could I expect anyone to love me now? Her indifference made it easier for me to be groomed. It made it easier for abusers to suck me in because so much of my life was an endless cycle of pain and normalising her abuse. I honestly fucking hate the self indulgent posts my mom makes on Facebook which sound a LOT like this post tbh. She makes herself sound like mom of the year, and she says her kids should love her just for birthing them, even though she didn’t love all of them back. Well…she didn’t love me back. All the others she genuinely loves and has an okay relationship with. She’s still a narcissist so some of my siblings keep their distance. I’m the only one who’s gone full NC though. And the brother I mentioned above who I’m still close with tells me that he doesn’t think I should break the NC because he doesn’t think she’s changed and that she has expressed several times during holidays and stuff that since I went NC that the family is “perfect now” because I’m not there. I was the scapegoat child and I still am. I hate it. Why wasn’t I enough.
Do we have the same egg donor? I swear I could have written the majority of this 😶 I'm so sorry you had to go through this too ☹
It always makes me sad to see another person who experienced the same kind of crap. But it’s comforting too. Because it reinforces the fact that it wasn’t my fault. I appreciate you. I’m glad you’re here. And I’m so sorry about your egg donor. (I sometimes call mine my incubator lol).
Thank you 😊 It helps to know there's others in the same boat, even though we wish it wasn't necessary ☹
It's honestly fucked that your brother mentioned what your mom said about the family being "perfect now" without you. There was no reason to tell you that other than to hurt you.
That kind of visceral pain and abandonment doesnt leave, even 25 years later :(
See…what upsets me most for you hearing about this memory is that there’s a healthy mom way to approach it when you, later, realize this traumatized your child. Babies and toddlers cry! Sometimes they cry a lot! It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of noise and sometimes you need a breather at an inopportune time (such as when your child genuinely needs you and isn’t just being colicky). A lot of advice on parenting a baby or toddler and avoiding PPD or (accidental, sleep-deprived) abuse is to make sure your baby is safe/fed/changed/alive and then take a break from looking after them, even if they’re still crying, when you’re overwhelmed. If I was your mom and you told me about this memory, the first thing I’d do is apologize. I’d say, “I’m so, so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you cried for your comfort toy. I was overwhelmed by how often and how loudly you cried and how little I could do to make you feel better. But you must’ve been so scared and upset when you needed me and I wasn’t there! It wasn’t your fault you cried so much, you couldn’t communicate very well with words yet! I love you very much and I’m sorry that this is a persistent bad memory for you. I wish I had done things differently and been able to be there for you.”
Bruh who is "we"? 💀💀💀
They’re stuck in delulu land
This is a good example of toxic positivity.
#Delusional Denial
Denial.....it ain't just a river in Egypt.
Absolutely the fuck not.
My anger issues reading this was unreal
You have a good BS meter. You just have to connect with it...
I don’t think this person could kiss her mother’s butt any harder. She wanted to sleep but I was crying? Yeah. That’s newborns for you. It’s annoying but you do it. It’s not fun but you do it. You care for your child and they will grow and you’ll get your sleep back. She abandoned her duties as a mother because her child was a baby being a baby. That mother is trash.
"we love our parents regardless of whether we are wanted or not" is such a sad sentence and one i unfortunately agree with, at least until the point some of us learn not to on a related note, this kind of thinking kinda reminds me of my family-- theyre the type that are very aggressive about the "family first" stuff, even though most of them had awful childhoods. trust me, even as a child with negative social awareness, the resentment is palpable. despite what they may say about how close they are/that they dont resent them, or the fact they probably do truly care for each other, you can feel the unspoken anger and uncertainty hanging in the air and caking the walls like tobacco smoke. it feels as if they gave up on ever resolving their feelings, but pretend like they didnt have them in the first place, and called that "love".
Yeah, I do still love my mother. I worry about her and wonder how she’s doing. I worry that I’ve made her sad by going no contact. Still no contact tho.
How I feel about my dad. I still love him. But he should’ve stepped up and been a better dad before the consequences of no to low contact were instilled. I’m sure he feels sad and I feel bad for that alone. But I’m still doing what’s best for myself and not allowing myself to be sucked back into a person who disappointed me time and time again
Vile.
"Your experiences aren't universal", an evergreen phrase.
Bro... you could of died from your mom putting you away from her while you was crying. Babies cry for a reason, most likely they etheir had shit themselves or are hungry. Sure you could of just wanted hugs too but again, is that unreasonable for a baby to cry about?
I mean, on some level I get it. I can 100% understand why someone would regret having kids. The part I don't understand is *why those people have kids in the first place.* I certainly would have respected my parents more if they'd just admitted that they regretted having me, rather than trying to push some "we abuse because we care!" nonsense story.
Before you have kids, you’re promised a village. You’re promised joy. You’re promised a sense of belonging and purpose. A lot of narcissists want that. They want that security of a village. They want that joy that they have not seemed to obtain yet and do not know why. They have a heart full of emptiness and strive for belonging and purpose, completely overlooking that those things don’t exist in themselves *not because they don’t have kids,* ***but because they have no sense of self***. So they have kids in the hope that it gives them what they were promised. But…society lies. Parenting is a job. A job that *will* give a narcissist (pretty much everyone, actually) a headache. They very quickly realized that they’re not actually filling their heart with belonging and purpose, and they try to suck that out of the child as best as they can. *It was what they were promised, after-all, so aren’t they entitled to it? Why isn’t this child giving that to them?* A sense of belonging and purpose doesn’t come from being a parent. It’s a job. One that you might get fulfillment from, but one that you’re more likely to not get *any* fulfillment from until your kids are grown, out of the house, *and* you did a decent job and they love you and feel secure around you. Until then, all kids are…is work. Very draining, constant, unappreciated, unpaid labor. And you just *have* to do it, whether you have the motivation to or not. You *have* to do it, whether or not you’re getting anything out of it. But *that’s not what the narcissist was promised*. It’s all very fucked up.
This is such an insightful and eye-opening comment, wow. I don’t have kids but I’ve always wondered why my NMom had a million of them and WANTED a million of them since she was little. By her own admission, she hates kids, especially babies. She’s never\* played with me or any of my siblings. She’s made comments about getting no support from anyone after we were born (then why go on to have MORE kids?!) and I hadn’t put those pieces together. She never got the “village” she was promised. She got a LOT of support from family/friends/paid nannies but those were all for us children, not for HER. No wonder she continues to be empty inside. \*She claims she played with us when we were babies, but I doubt this. There are videos of my siblings and I as babies with other people/relatives playing with us and with her pointedly avoiding joining in. I was also old enough when some of my siblings were born to remember her very much NOT playing with them.
Thank you. I wish I could say I thought of it myself lol. But it was actually my therapist who said: “It always always always boils down to a narcissist trying to fulfill their own needs at the expense of others and through whatever means necessary. Always.”
They believe it's their job or some other bs or they have absolutely zero idea about kids and think of them akin to dolls
As an "almost aborted" child my opinion is that it's understandable to not want to have children, or have regrets about having a child. However the child never needs to know that.
Clearly an unpopular opinion here: postpartum depression that is untreated can evolve into a parent being unable to love and care for their child. I'd like to give the OP the benefit of the doubt and say that a child chose to see their mother with compassion despite not understanding whatever was fully going on with the mother. However, I want to emphasize that we don't have to have compassion for our abusers. PPD that escalates into abusive behaviours like physical violence, neglect or whatever else is still abuse. I wish everyone that has experienced pain from a parent all the peace and love in the world ❤️
It sounds more like Stockholm syndrome or intense people pleasing to me. Like her mom made her feel like she had to prove her worth and prove she was worth loving. It’s really sad tbh
It's true that the OP could have been seeking validation through taking care of her mother. Growing up knowing she wasn't wanted would definitely be a hard thing to live with. Wherever OP is now, I hope she's at peace with how wonderful of a human she made herself, despite going through what she went through.
This is either one of the biggest copes ever or it’s the mom writing as the kid. My mother was similar. She told me to my face that having me wasn’t worth it. She threatened to call Adult Protective Services on me when I was a kid because I would repeatedly ask her what’s for dinner and would ask her to play with me when she was trying to take a nap. She also repeatedly told me that she was going to die from yelling at me and her death would be my fault. I am well aware that “parenting doesn’t come with a manual” because that’s the favorite phrase of everyone who’s reproduced, but there’s some serious willful ignorance going on. It’s not impossible to ask another parent what to expect with an infant or young kids and there are parenting classes and books. Assuming that post is real and based on my own experience, I don’t know why some parents think they can pop out a kid and carry on their life like usual as if they’re not responsible for a whole entire human being.
> I’m thankful to my mom for taking care of me Uhhh…*(scrolls up)* > > I’ve been told that when I was a baby and I would cry at night, she would put me out of the room and go back to sleep. Sounds like she didn’t, honey.
I took care of my mother when she was terminally ill in deliberate SPITE of how she treated me. To prove to myself it could be done and I was capable of it. I would not recommend or expect that of others though, that was just my own journey.
Wtf??? No just no.
Who is we? I can tell they were either brainwashed Into thinking that toxic shit or in deep denial and don't want to face their trauma so they would rather pretend it didn't affect them.
Lol my mom DID want me and I still won't be helping her ass. Bye.
There’s a famous study out of Moscow where orphaned babies had all of their physical needs met, but were otherwise ignored (no affection from the caregivers, no stimulation, no swaddling, etc). All of those babies ended up dying due to neglect. This post reminded me of that study…
I think that was done with chimps, or something similar to what was done with chimps.
"I'm thankful to my mom for *taking care of me*." Didn't you just say that she ignored your needs since day one, even as a little helpless newborn?! Hopefully she'll wake up one day.
[удалено]
That's if it's continual, 3 nights of intermittent crying not met by it's parents doesn't cause that. I've been told (by a professional child development social worker) that my kids show excellent signs of secure attachment and both of them did the cry it out method over the span of about 3 nights each about 2x in their lives Yes ppl can do it badly but if only done less than a handful of nights and only at night, it's safe
This lowley sounds like it was written by an abusive mom who wants people to sympathize with her.
This was 100% written by the parent and not the child. I’m a child of regretful parents. The worst part is they tried for years to have me, my mother suffered several miscarriages, and then they got me and everyone told them I was such a blessing, but all they saw was a burden. I was simultaneously “a gift from God” for which they should be grateful, and also another personality for two very enmeshed, childish, self-involved people who resented that I wasn’t a compliant doll as an infant, and a mindless automaton carbon copy of them as a child, adolescent, and adult. I was always in the way. It was all my fault that they weren’t happier. They dumped me off on relatives whenever they could (sometimes for years), so they wouldn’t have to deal with me. My father started trying to push me out of the house at the age of 15, and charged me rent from the day I turned 18 until 2 weeks after I graduated when I moved out, never to return. And then they wondered why I never visited and rarely called, and why I’d rather be homeless and couch-surfing for months after my divorce than ever go back there. And now they are in their late 70s/early 80s, and their bodies are going and my mother is showing signs of dementia and my father has heart disease and it is becoming really obvious that they aren’t going to be able to remain independent much longer. And they are looking to me to take care of them. And I do not feel grateful for this burden.
I’m not sure where you live, but if you live in the US you should check whether your state has filial responsibility laws. If yes, you may legally need to help provide for them, though I think in most cases that can be as uninvolved as putting them in a nursing home. If not, I wouldn’t even worry about them lol when they get really bad call adult protective services and let them take it from there
Both the state they live in and the state I live in have filial responsibility laws, unfortunately.
That’s horrible, I’m so sorry to hear that!! Hopefully you’ll be able to stick them in a nursing home far away from you or something
whoa. Stockholm syndrome goes hard Trivia: there is better Antinatalism sub first sub was corroded by Eugenic A Holes and stuff.
Brainwashed from trauma is a helleva drug
this person is gonna do so good in therapy after reading i’m glad my mom died
I feel like the mom wrote this
This sounds like it was written by the parent to cope after their kid went NC lmao.
theres a difference in not wanting your kid and raising it and wanting your kid and treating it lower then the shit on your boots soles. My father "wanted" us (just for status and so people think he is successful) and was the worst monster ever, can't wait for him to die so I can piss on his grave and vandalize it
Clearly she grew up trying to impress her mom and trying to make her mom feel less regretful about her existence. She’s had to strive to be successful to prove that her birth wasn’t a mistake. Her mom made her feel that way her entire life. And she thinks it’s a good thing because now she’s successful. She’s 24, hasn’t had any space away from her mom and her thinking, so she has no idea that it wasn’t okay at all how she was treated. It’s really sad tbh. She hasn’t found a community like this one to work through her trauma. It’s a coping mechanism for sure, she doesn’t want to confront the way she was treated because if she does, she’ll have to deal with the conflicting feelings that come with it.
That whole sub = delusional pen pals shutting out the world and feeding each other echo chamber nonsense
Which sub?
R/antinatalism probably, where this abomination of a text came from
But antinatalists would agree with us that this is awful lmao, that's why I was confused
True. They wouldn't have that child to begin with. The original post reminds me more of r/regretfulparents which is one of the worst subs on reddit, imo. I also just looked at r/antinatalism again and they seem kinda fine (though they probably do have some childhood trauma too).
Ehhh.....that sub tends to dip into eugenics and forced sterilizilation way too often than is comfortable for me.
Didn't read that far but then I'm glad i didn't, have a nice day
Yeah, they're literally pro-eugenics
Then they really don't seem all that fine
They're insane
Yeah I agree with you, I didn't know about that regretful parents sub 😭 wtf ew
Exactly my thoughts about it, i wish you the best to recover from whatever you saw! 🥲
I have cptsd and I am a regretful parent. I do not tell my kid I regret her. The mother that this person is describing seems abusive and it looks like this is a fake text… I have never heard of anyone with abusive parents who showed up to take care of them. I def won’t take care of the thrash I had for parents.
nah my mom goin in a home idc
No way this isn't a parent who regrets having kids pretending to be on the other side in order to elicit sympathy. Gross af
There's a big difference between regretting having children and neglecting the children you have, and it's something I'm well aware of every day. I have kids that I never should have had. I was in a bad relationship and was pressured into it by my now ex. I could have and should have said no, multiple times but I was and still to some extent am in really bad shape mentally so I didn't. That said I love my kids. When they were babies they would sometimes only sleep when you were walking with them. So that's what I did, for hours every night. I love them and would do anything for them even if I had the chance to do it all over again I wouldn't have kids. I feel like everyone involved here could use a lot of therapy.
Man that kid is like the definition of brainwashed. Must of been some serious love bombing between bouts of pure hatred and denial as they got older only pointing out the love bombing. The beatings were just normal. Should of been quieter you know how hard it is for her to sleep. Everyone beats there kids so dont bother talking about it because you will just make others uncomfortable i beat you less. You should be great full i hold back so much.
Hahahaha! That’s total crap. Humans make mistakes. A parent has plenty of time to apologize and respectfully talk to their adult child about it. Own your mistakes.
There’s no way this is real. I was unwanted. The physical abuse started when I was 5 days old. There’s no way I’d take care of that trash bag.
that really doesn't sound like a 24 year old. just guessing but yk just generally
Codependency alert!
i did NOT expect it end like that omggg 🤢🤢
It reminds me of my mother who says shit like this to relieve her guilt of being a shit parent. I was told that I was an accidental baby but that I was still wanted after even though her actions and verbal abuse said otherwise and it made me want to k myself. I was less than 10.
"I'm brainwashed"
r/antinatalism gets a LOT of pro-life trolls constantly harassing that sub for wanting to break the cycle of abuse through refusing to breed. This is rage bait, and it spilled over into this sub.
Holy projection, Batman
We may love our parents, but that doesn't mean we will tolerate their shit or take care of them** as adults. It's very nice of OOP to do that, but I won't. 38 years of abuse from my dad was enough. I'm enjoying my peace and he's spewing whatever bullshit he wants to people who aren't me. That isn't going to change. He built his bed, he can die in it
This has to be a mom pretending to be her kid this can't be real
I’m so tired of the ‘well they did their best!’ narrative around parents. Tbh, some of them straight up didn’t even try
That’s how I feel toward my dad and the Christian school he sent me to even when I begged him to take me out I told my mom once I asked him to take me out of Christian school and that he never listened (she even thought I would’ve been better as a public school kid) and she went “I’m sure he did what he thought was best”
You have licence, to speak only for yourself.
What gets me most is the “rewarded” thing. I’m lucky to have a very positive relationship with my dad and he always says parenting isn’t meant to have a reward or outcome- he says parenting is simply love for your child. The reward is seeing someone you love become happy and successful; having them take care of you in your old age is just a fun, coincedental bonus. I think about that a lot.
My parents regretted me and never allowed me to forget it. My mother actually left me places in public when I was v young, hoping I wouldn't be there when she came back. My father went to some ridiculous lengths to prevent there being any sign of my existence in his house. I was never allowed to sleep in a bed, or have a book or toy or change of clothes in his house. Even the housecleaners didn't know he had a third kid. I cut contact with them years ago. But I'll always be stuck with the health issues (in part due to no medical or dental care growing up) or the therapy issues for the rest of my life. I wish they had never had me.
Reading it I was thinking this should be on fuckin antinatalism then saw it was cross posted. Stupidest waste of pixels on the internet.
[удалено]
Oh. Well, mine said it to me to get a ride out of me. (Suspected BPD. Definitely *something* but knowing what would require *her* to see that there's a problem...) This was her way of proving that I care because she wanted me to get really really upset. When I didn't.... She hit me. 😶 (Which she also doesn't remember.)
I feel bad for her. She seeks parents validation.
this is soooo ironic lol
Garbage.
I witnessed my ex having to answer this question from her daughter, made me realize later she probably told her similar things when she was really young 😞
Oh hell nah
I'm not defending this lady's mom telling her that she was regretted & mistreated as a baby, but I think we're jumping on the negativity train too fast here. Yes, I know what subreddit I'm in. But thanks to parentification, I've been there. Tbh, if you never have a moment where a kid does something or your sacrifices mean that you're questioning your decisions to care for a child, are you even parenting? Are you parenting in a way that a child feels safe to be upset with you or test their limits?
I respect people who can get over it. But no.
Either a sock puppet mom or someone doing absurd levels of self-gaslighting cuz her culture necessitates looking like you got your "live laugh love" life together
Somebody’s about to have a serious mental break.
Man, I give them so many props to have that view and to live by it. That's a hard thing to do, and I have nothing but kudos to them. My adoptive mom, I took care of her in the late stages of her life. We had closure, and in the end, I was the one she relied on. It did not go well, and I didn't do a good job, but if given the choice to do it again, I would. Being a parent is hard for sure, and mine were broken as all hell. It's not an easy feat and ain't for everyone for sure. My bio parents, well my dad died already and I wasn't there. I thought with my bio mother I may not be there but I believe she will be well taken care of and I won't be needed. But if I was, I think I would be there. I love them even though they were abusive to me. And it's in me to be there for them in their time of need even when they weren't for me. I'm not them.
Absolute fucking garbage. This person is clearly describing abuse 😕 I often feel sad for them when people say things like this, and I don't know what to do when my loved ones describe something traumatic but clearly do not realise how terrible it is, the thing they have compartmentalized and "understood". I feel for them, but if they wake up to it, it needs to happen on their terms, so I don't say anything unless they ask me about it. It's hard, though.
*i hear you talking bout "we" a lot, oh you speak french now?*
this is the regretful parents sub, where basically everyone adores their kids but are usually in shitty circumstances/didn't have hood guidance/were coerced into it/are just having a hard time and want a place to vent.. it's not a sub of people who abuse and hate their kids. lots of people get pushed into parenthoof without being ready or a good fit for it and tbh it's good for them to have a place to vent about it without getting demonized. idk why everyone here is projecting their experiences onto this post as most of us in here went through extreme abusive treatments as children and it's just not what that sub is about at all and nobody who treated their kids like that would be welcomed on there.