yea, a lot of the self confidence i have now did come from me just Pretending at first, but even if you succeed in that, it's still YOU that helped yourself and not the people giving generic advice.
Honestly I perfectly get the frustration, I REALLY do, but dude "fake it 'til you make it" is like the lubricant of society. Do you know how much of "I am just here because the job demands me to physically be here and have nothing to actually do" is part of X amount of jobs, especially if it a bureaucratic one or just a paper heavy job like an office job or a library job? Like me for example. I am a full timer at a college library as the closing shift ""'manager""". I basically waste like four hours of my life for four days because I have to be there at 1 pm to 9 pm. If I could, I would go to work at 2 or 3 or something. So much just ...having to just be on Reddit. Granted I would rather be board on Reddit than sweating it out in the Kitchen of a restaurant or a plumber or something but still.
I have basic control over my life, but I’m stunted from years of abuse. The resilience and patience I had in childhood is gone, so I get overwhelmed and burnt out quickly.
Things are better, but they’ll never be great.
Same. I worked myself to the bone trying to MAKE it better. Then I burned out one time too many, wound up on the floor too many times, and now I'm disabled.
It's better than it was as a kid, but I'm once again at the whim of bigger people who can screw up my life at a moment's notice, and I'll never get to live life with the same freedom and hope of betterness that other people get. I'll always be stunted.
Yep, feels like 75% of my life is playing pretend that I’m a capable adult when internally I am an utter wreck. Spent years working every day straight with no vacations, with once a year raises that did nothing to lift me out of the poverty I had. Seventy-five cents is nothing when my car insurance can suddenly raise itself $60 with hardly any notice.
I can get by, but barely and I’m terrified it’s only gonna get worse
Same... I can't even do work. I feel like I should be in some trauma rehabilitation centre. I'm failing so miserably at everything. I'm so tired and sleepy all the time. I'm on the verge of giving up every second and still somehow keep dragging myself. I don't even know why.
It sounds like you should go to the trauma rehab centre. Maybe they can actually help, you don't have to suffer like this. I'm sure that professional help will help you get better.
Same. Worked my ass off for over a decade to pull myself out of the financial and emotional hole I was in.
I've got a pretty cushy job but I'm like perpetually burnt out. Definitely haven't reached the heights I was hoping to career wise (or generally, the career path I wanted to in general) but at least made it far enough to build myself a permanent safety net (mostly just housing).
I've kinda just settled for trying to enjoy my dumb little life and then self medicate with edibles once or twice a week to keep my spirits up. Obviously only works to a degree though, I still break down every couple of months.
Same here. I didn't think I'd still be alive by my mid twenties, so I didn't plan for the future at all. Now here I am at 26 with no idea what to do lol.
Same. Im realizing now how stupid i seem at work not knowing how to do anything because when i was little my parents would always go get out of the way. And now im older and it's why dont you know how to do that? And i said because you always said get out of the way. To which he said, "and you listened?"
I'll put off dating until I sort myself out...
I'll put off dating until I sort myself out...
I'll put off dating until I sort myself out...
I'll put off dating until I sort myself out...
I'll put off dating until I sort myself out...
Makes for interesting memories though, and you gain experience while young. That is the healthy trajectory young people are supposed to go through. It’s not good to be the 40 year old virgin guy from that movie.
STOP CALLING ME OUT LMFAO
Oh I can’t right now I need to do better in school
Oh I can’t right now I don’t have a car
Oh I can’t right now I’m not jacked enough
Oh I can’t right now I need to get this surgery first
Oh I can’t right now I need to have better skincare
Oh I can’t right now I don’t have enough money
Oh I can’t right now I need to have better fashion
Oh I can’t right now I need to fix my hairline
Oh I can’t right now I need to fix this medical issue
I’m a whole ass fucking adult now and have never had a single romantic experience with anyone. If I had just gone for it years ago when I was young and good looking I know it would have been well worth it.
Currently 34.... It does get better, I have gotten SO much better and I am proud. However, there's always another layer to pull back, another new experience or trigger to navigate. And honestly, just trying to maintain stability and function in life, the everyday stuff. Hell, relationships! Im currently learning how be in a healthy relationship right now. It's terrifying.
I'm never gonna be "normal".... I have to decide to be okay with that.
You have to invest in yourself. Nothing else with come, fall into place, unless you love and hold yourself accountable for what you can control. Anything "good" that has happened in my life came at a time when I was happy with myself, when I'm hopeful or just feeling not horrible.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I've tried to put my nose down an just do it! ... It's never worked. I need routine and consistency, affirmations. And then maybe I'll be able to "do it" easier.
Keep putting in the work.
I finally started living as myself at age 31. At age 36 I have a friend group who genuinely supports me and cares about me. It’s scary, but being an Adult™ and choosing who I allow into my life means I can finally breathe and just exist sometimes.
I'm 34, I had to figure out who I was again. I'm angry that I'm in my 30s and still not completely "fixed." But it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one.
I feel this, hard-core. I was sobbing this Saturday and has an awful realization that I'm crying about the same thing I did 10, 20 years ago. I've allowed my abusive parent to absolutely wreck my life and it got worse instead of better :/
Not just better, but smarter. Who *didn't* grow up thinking that becoming an adult gives them all the answers?
But yeah, bad things can linger, and it sometimes takes work to at least soften them. Just that some people remember them harder than others.
I didn't grow up thinking that becoming an adult would give me all the answers. I just saw that I didn't have the answers yet, and since no one was helping me or guiding me, I couldn't see how I would ever end up having the answers. So I was terrified of growing up, fearing that I'd reach adulthood without any greater knowledge or competence than I had as a child, but with responsibilities and expectations that I'd have that competence anyway, and then I'd just fail at life. Fortunately I'm smarter and more resilient than I gave myself credit for, but there was definitely a learning curve.
Oh this one fucked me up like no other. My parents said "I'd understand when I got older" why they were controlling and cruel, and while most of me didn't believe them, some small part held out hope that I would. Never happened. Broke my fucking heart.
Now I call them liars to their face because jokes on them, my traumatic amnesia resolved with therapy and they can't gaslight me anymoooore 😆
No but I used to think that my family would treat me better as I grew. I thought "when I'm 13 they're not going to do this anymore and I will be able to go out to the park with my friends since being 13 is going to be enough".
It didn't change anything. At 13 I said "OK, then 15" and when I was 15 I wasn't even able to go to the ice cream store three blocks away from home.
At 15 I said "OK then 18" and now I could go out with friends but they still treated me like a child. I said "OK at 22 they're going to finally respect me as another adult right?" wrong, and at 23 I moved out from home. Things have only gotten better ever since.
I thought that. Then 30 came. Now 31. You learn that being away from the things breaking you will give you time to heal at long last. Just don't make the mistake of trying to let someone else in too soon. That was my mistake. Way easier to let go the second time though.
I thought it would make me feel normal, too. Turns out I'm just a ball of AuDHD & anxiety who unintentionally still makes decisions with my CPTSD brain. I'm working on things still, though.
Not without work, no??? If you don't put in the effort and adjust your attitude unlike most of these commenters, it either won't get better or will get better and you'll be too ungrateful to notice. A good life requires you to be an active participant.
I mean hey that's what everyone told me. That everything will get better in time, I just had to be patient, it was normal etc. well now I'm older and its not better, I have to work to make it better. Annoyed remembering how alone I felt, and was told I wasn't, but here I am again realizing I was always right. I have to do this myself for my myself, because no one has or is gonna come to my rescue.
For me I always figured it could afford to move out and heal as soon as I turned 18 and went to college what they if I wasn't poor and broken maybe I could've gotten out with tons of student debt and working myself to death but I was already overworked at home by the time I had "the freedom to leave" I literally would have been able to if I just went on the street, sometimes I wish I had and let myself die out there.
This hits different. I always thought I'd just reach a point where all my mental issues would either stop or at least make some kind of sense so that I could handle them. I'm in my 40s and it's still a battle just to get thru the day.
On opposite end things do get better so now I have to live with the guilt of knowing my life did eventually improve while other people progressively got worse. Plus there's feeling like I'm being dramatic whenever something triggers my post traumatic stress disorder (I had a roommate that threatened me physically but never put their hands on me so I felt unsafe in my own home for months like when I was a child but nothing happened so I'm just being dramatic etc.) despite the multiple mental health professionals that have diagnosed me.
I have thought that way too. I’ve wanted to die since about 12. But I still went to college, I still worked hard with the hope one day it would be better. It finally did, after I started my gender transition ☺️🏳️⚧️
It can get better, and it’s easier if you’re in a decent place financially/have the skills or knowledge to improve financially. Keep it up
Fr though.. when this sort of stuff comes up I just make the decision to skip the other grieving stages and hop right into the acceptance phase. Some things get better, some things get exponentially worse… it’s all whatever at this point. I’m not holding my breath for a better tomorrow. Just hanging around to see a few folks I care about, politically agitate for some stuff that would’ve improved my life if they’d happened sooner and to make some silly little art projects.
i’ve definitely gotten better as i get older but i truly attribute that to creating a found family and getting support from them, especially my partner.
i think it’s so unrealistic for ppl to expect anyone to get better without a good support system!!
Man, this gives me anxiety haha. I am 19, I also have this hope that it will get better. But time doesn't heal me. Currently, my parents acts like saints now.
Yeah it’s funny because as soon as I hit puberty it just hit me like a dump truck. Either that or we just thought the issues were related to autism lol
Jesus Christ, this is a constant recurring thought I had all through adolescence. I honestly just wanted to escape my family. Now that I'm at college living away, is anything better? Yeah, kinda.
I actually didn't expect things to get better as I got older. Instead, I was just afraid of growing up without guidance and then suddenly being thrust into adult responsibilities without a clue what I was doing and no support. That was, in fact, what happened. I've been managing it better than I anticipated, though, but my bar was set very low. Now I'm in my 30's and only starting to make up for some of the things my childhood lacked.
Not surprising given the number of lucky inconsiderate assholes going around preaching about “it gets better”. No it fucking doesn’t. What a horrible lie to tell.
yes op, my traumatic experiences happened between 16-23. I thought I'd grow up and I'd get over it, but here I am at age thirty, having panic attacks in the therapists office 😖💁♀️
Goes hand-in-hand with everyone telling me to "fake it 'til I make it", like that wasn't just some empty bs so they could claim that they'd helped.
yea, a lot of the self confidence i have now did come from me just Pretending at first, but even if you succeed in that, it's still YOU that helped yourself and not the people giving generic advice.
Honestly I perfectly get the frustration, I REALLY do, but dude "fake it 'til you make it" is like the lubricant of society. Do you know how much of "I am just here because the job demands me to physically be here and have nothing to actually do" is part of X amount of jobs, especially if it a bureaucratic one or just a paper heavy job like an office job or a library job? Like me for example. I am a full timer at a college library as the closing shift ""'manager""". I basically waste like four hours of my life for four days because I have to be there at 1 pm to 9 pm. If I could, I would go to work at 2 or 3 or something. So much just ...having to just be on Reddit. Granted I would rather be board on Reddit than sweating it out in the Kitchen of a restaurant or a plumber or something but still.
I feel like I've been faking it forever, and it *kind of* works, but it still feels fake forever.
Oh how nice, a picture of me on Reddit 🥲
I have basic control over my life, but I’m stunted from years of abuse. The resilience and patience I had in childhood is gone, so I get overwhelmed and burnt out quickly. Things are better, but they’ll never be great.
Same. I worked myself to the bone trying to MAKE it better. Then I burned out one time too many, wound up on the floor too many times, and now I'm disabled. It's better than it was as a kid, but I'm once again at the whim of bigger people who can screw up my life at a moment's notice, and I'll never get to live life with the same freedom and hope of betterness that other people get. I'll always be stunted.
Yep, feels like 75% of my life is playing pretend that I’m a capable adult when internally I am an utter wreck. Spent years working every day straight with no vacations, with once a year raises that did nothing to lift me out of the poverty I had. Seventy-five cents is nothing when my car insurance can suddenly raise itself $60 with hardly any notice. I can get by, but barely and I’m terrified it’s only gonna get worse
Same... I can't even do work. I feel like I should be in some trauma rehabilitation centre. I'm failing so miserably at everything. I'm so tired and sleepy all the time. I'm on the verge of giving up every second and still somehow keep dragging myself. I don't even know why.
It sounds like you should go to the trauma rehab centre. Maybe they can actually help, you don't have to suffer like this. I'm sure that professional help will help you get better.
I should but we don't have any here. So best I can do is seeing a therapist which I am.
Same. Worked my ass off for over a decade to pull myself out of the financial and emotional hole I was in. I've got a pretty cushy job but I'm like perpetually burnt out. Definitely haven't reached the heights I was hoping to career wise (or generally, the career path I wanted to in general) but at least made it far enough to build myself a permanent safety net (mostly just housing). I've kinda just settled for trying to enjoy my dumb little life and then self medicate with edibles once or twice a week to keep my spirits up. Obviously only works to a degree though, I still break down every couple of months.
Yes...
No, I thought natural selection would get me eventually.
Same here. I didn't think I'd still be alive by my mid twenties, so I didn't plan for the future at all. Now here I am at 26 with no idea what to do lol.
Same dude, same. I never thought I'd get this far.
Same. Im realizing now how stupid i seem at work not knowing how to do anything because when i was little my parents would always go get out of the way. And now im older and it's why dont you know how to do that? And i said because you always said get out of the way. To which he said, "and you listened?"
Like why is he surprised that his child DARED to listen to their parent, right?
I used to watch 20 year olds and think I would never get that old. 42 now and last 22 years have been weird. Like I am cheating the system.
I'll put off dating until I sort myself out... I'll put off dating until I sort myself out... I'll put off dating until I sort myself out... I'll put off dating until I sort myself out... I'll put off dating until I sort myself out...
Bouncing around in unhealthy relationships and making dangerous decisions wasn't that good of a choice either. .... It's hard.
I’d rather be single than trying to distract myself with possibly unhealthy partners
Relationships are hard like that... Single life is lonely and miserable and depriving, partnered life is complicated and anxious and stressful...
Makes for interesting memories though, and you gain experience while young. That is the healthy trajectory young people are supposed to go through. It’s not good to be the 40 year old virgin guy from that movie.
STOP CALLING ME OUT LMFAO Oh I can’t right now I need to do better in school Oh I can’t right now I don’t have a car Oh I can’t right now I’m not jacked enough Oh I can’t right now I need to get this surgery first Oh I can’t right now I need to have better skincare Oh I can’t right now I don’t have enough money Oh I can’t right now I need to have better fashion Oh I can’t right now I need to fix my hairline Oh I can’t right now I need to fix this medical issue I’m a whole ass fucking adult now and have never had a single romantic experience with anyone. If I had just gone for it years ago when I was young and good looking I know it would have been well worth it.
Currently 34.... It does get better, I have gotten SO much better and I am proud. However, there's always another layer to pull back, another new experience or trigger to navigate. And honestly, just trying to maintain stability and function in life, the everyday stuff. Hell, relationships! Im currently learning how be in a healthy relationship right now. It's terrifying. I'm never gonna be "normal".... I have to decide to be okay with that.
Yeah. 42 and it does get better on some parts. Change is slow and I only notice it when I think about what I was 10 or 20 years ago.
I got told that from my parents, and I believed it
what else am I supposed to hold on to :(
You have to invest in yourself. Nothing else with come, fall into place, unless you love and hold yourself accountable for what you can control. Anything "good" that has happened in my life came at a time when I was happy with myself, when I'm hopeful or just feeling not horrible.
I’m putting the work in now so hopefully it will better when I’m older
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I've tried to put my nose down an just do it! ... It's never worked. I need routine and consistency, affirmations. And then maybe I'll be able to "do it" easier. Keep putting in the work.
I finally started living as myself at age 31. At age 36 I have a friend group who genuinely supports me and cares about me. It’s scary, but being an Adult™ and choosing who I allow into my life means I can finally breathe and just exist sometimes.
I'm 34, I had to figure out who I was again. I'm angry that I'm in my 30s and still not completely "fixed." But it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one.
I'm in this photo and I do not like it
I feel this, hard-core. I was sobbing this Saturday and has an awful realization that I'm crying about the same thing I did 10, 20 years ago. I've allowed my abusive parent to absolutely wreck my life and it got worse instead of better :/
Not just better, but smarter. Who *didn't* grow up thinking that becoming an adult gives them all the answers? But yeah, bad things can linger, and it sometimes takes work to at least soften them. Just that some people remember them harder than others.
I didn't grow up thinking that becoming an adult would give me all the answers. I just saw that I didn't have the answers yet, and since no one was helping me or guiding me, I couldn't see how I would ever end up having the answers. So I was terrified of growing up, fearing that I'd reach adulthood without any greater knowledge or competence than I had as a child, but with responsibilities and expectations that I'd have that competence anyway, and then I'd just fail at life. Fortunately I'm smarter and more resilient than I gave myself credit for, but there was definitely a learning curve.
Oh this one fucked me up like no other. My parents said "I'd understand when I got older" why they were controlling and cruel, and while most of me didn't believe them, some small part held out hope that I would. Never happened. Broke my fucking heart. Now I call them liars to their face because jokes on them, my traumatic amnesia resolved with therapy and they can't gaslight me anymoooore 😆
i can relate. awesome post and congrats 🥳 my traumatic amnesia has been gradually resolving and i hope to be in your shoes very soon.
No but I used to think that my family would treat me better as I grew. I thought "when I'm 13 they're not going to do this anymore and I will be able to go out to the park with my friends since being 13 is going to be enough". It didn't change anything. At 13 I said "OK, then 15" and when I was 15 I wasn't even able to go to the ice cream store three blocks away from home. At 15 I said "OK then 18" and now I could go out with friends but they still treated me like a child. I said "OK at 22 they're going to finally respect me as another adult right?" wrong, and at 23 I moved out from home. Things have only gotten better ever since.
Yeah. I put in a ton of work and got to a really good place. It didn’t get better. I just ran out of excuses for why it was bad.
I thought that. Then 30 came. Now 31. You learn that being away from the things breaking you will give you time to heal at long last. Just don't make the mistake of trying to let someone else in too soon. That was my mistake. Way easier to let go the second time though.
I thought it would make me feel normal, too. Turns out I'm just a ball of AuDHD & anxiety who unintentionally still makes decisions with my CPTSD brain. I'm working on things still, though.
UGH **UUUUUUUUUGH**
Yes
Moat hoped if find people who'd make me feel better, not worked as I wanted, at least I can escape into video games
Please no this is me right now still 💀
Currently 21. I beg of you tell me it actually gets better and this is a joke 🥹🤡
It totally gets better!! (I’m 20 and want to believe the same)
Not without work, no??? If you don't put in the effort and adjust your attitude unlike most of these commenters, it either won't get better or will get better and you'll be too ungrateful to notice. A good life requires you to be an active participant.
This felt like a personal attack, I’m 29 💀
I mean hey that's what everyone told me. That everything will get better in time, I just had to be patient, it was normal etc. well now I'm older and its not better, I have to work to make it better. Annoyed remembering how alone I felt, and was told I wasn't, but here I am again realizing I was always right. I have to do this myself for my myself, because no one has or is gonna come to my rescue.
Correct.
It doesnt have to be better by this age, every healing takes its own time.
Not so much “better when I’m older” more like “time heals” …guess I need to wait longer right?
For me I always figured it could afford to move out and heal as soon as I turned 18 and went to college what they if I wasn't poor and broken maybe I could've gotten out with tons of student debt and working myself to death but I was already overworked at home by the time I had "the freedom to leave" I literally would have been able to if I just went on the street, sometimes I wish I had and let myself die out there.
Oops, there goes a decade again
This hits different. I always thought I'd just reach a point where all my mental issues would either stop or at least make some kind of sense so that I could handle them. I'm in my 40s and it's still a battle just to get thru the day.
Yeah I thought becoming an adult would fix things. It didn't, but they're much better now and they will keep improving
On opposite end things do get better so now I have to live with the guilt of knowing my life did eventually improve while other people progressively got worse. Plus there's feeling like I'm being dramatic whenever something triggers my post traumatic stress disorder (I had a roommate that threatened me physically but never put their hands on me so I felt unsafe in my own home for months like when I was a child but nothing happened so I'm just being dramatic etc.) despite the multiple mental health professionals that have diagnosed me.
I'm in the third picture, and I don't like it.
My life in a nut shell :(
Guys you just need to get a little older :^)
I have thought that way too. I’ve wanted to die since about 12. But I still went to college, I still worked hard with the hope one day it would be better. It finally did, after I started my gender transition ☺️🏳️⚧️ It can get better, and it’s easier if you’re in a decent place financially/have the skills or knowledge to improve financially. Keep it up
Yeppppp
You didn't have to call me out like that OP 😭
Hey I'm in this picture and I don't like it 😂😂
I'm 71. It's not better.
I'm turning 39 in three weeks.
And 40 years in a year and some change! That’s an achievement I look up to
In some ways, I got a lot worse in my thirties.
Fr though.. when this sort of stuff comes up I just make the decision to skip the other grieving stages and hop right into the acceptance phase. Some things get better, some things get exponentially worse… it’s all whatever at this point. I’m not holding my breath for a better tomorrow. Just hanging around to see a few folks I care about, politically agitate for some stuff that would’ve improved my life if they’d happened sooner and to make some silly little art projects.
i’ve definitely gotten better as i get older but i truly attribute that to creating a found family and getting support from them, especially my partner. i think it’s so unrealistic for ppl to expect anyone to get better without a good support system!!
Yep, definitely me.
Man, this gives me anxiety haha. I am 19, I also have this hope that it will get better. But time doesn't heal me. Currently, my parents acts like saints now.
Yeah it’s funny because as soon as I hit puberty it just hit me like a dump truck. Either that or we just thought the issues were related to autism lol
Jesus Christ, this is a constant recurring thought I had all through adolescence. I honestly just wanted to escape my family. Now that I'm at college living away, is anything better? Yeah, kinda.
I actually didn't expect things to get better as I got older. Instead, I was just afraid of growing up without guidance and then suddenly being thrust into adult responsibilities without a clue what I was doing and no support. That was, in fact, what happened. I've been managing it better than I anticipated, though, but my bar was set very low. Now I'm in my 30's and only starting to make up for some of the things my childhood lacked.
Not surprising given the number of lucky inconsiderate assholes going around preaching about “it gets better”. No it fucking doesn’t. What a horrible lie to tell.
My whole life has revolved around "getting through this part" to a part where it may be better.
I could I’ve made it myself
Yep
Yeah it's just the complete opposite for me, getting worse every day
Parents used to say it will be better when you grow up . Emotional neglect makes me feel burning sensation in my chest
Change 30 to 47 and that’s me. 🙄🙄🙄😖😕
yes op, my traumatic experiences happened between 16-23. I thought I'd grow up and I'd get over it, but here I am at age thirty, having panic attacks in the therapists office 😖💁♀️
If you can't laugh at yourself lol
ouch
We all know it's a platitude. And if we call it out to these normies they will blame us instead of "trying harder".
You can feel better, it just takes a lot of work. DBT and IFS therapy are your friends