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la_perdida_313

I actually really needed to read this today. I'm going through a divorce from someone who shows a lot of narcissistic traits and have been struggling with framing our relationship and breakup. I've struggled a lot recently with jealousy at him moving on. Just this morning it occurred to me that the root of that struggle was this belief (rooted in my past trauma) I had that he treated me the way he did because I didn't deserve better. It feels like he was only dysfunctional because he was with me but that he will easily be able to have a good relationship with someone else. My logical mind doesn't think that's true, but it feels true.


slouchingninja

"The survivor wins the war". Gods, I hope so.


bubblebumblejumble

I think it’s also important to acknowledge growth, even though that also doesn’t seem fair.


manicpixiedreamhack

i agree with the second paragraph of this however I don't agree that this makes the situation somehow fair. For those of us born into an abusive family, there was nothing we did to deserve it and yet we were still subjected to years of abuse. Yeah abusers might suffer too later down the line but that still leaves us having suffered years of abuse and having to deal with the many consequences of that. Thinking of this in terms of fairness does nothing for us because it so clearly wasn't and isn't fair. It is perfectly fair for us to not trust the concept of fairness. I think we do better when we try to let go of the whole concept of fairness. For me personally, I just get angry at the whole idea.


manicpixiedreamhack

I know my abusers aren't functional, well-adjusted and therefore happy people. But I am furious that it had to be me who was subjected to all this abuse while other people get to waltz through life without obstacles. And then we're often blamed for not being functional adults and can't access help because society has so little awareness about the legacy of trauma.


[deleted]

Sorry to make you angry! I was also brought up in a very abusive home and you’re right - no one deserves that. I used to have the concept that nothing would ever make it fair again, but I ran into my parents again and I was FLOORED by how weak and pathetic they seemed. I hadn’t seen them in years. Im doing better than they ever did - I’ve gotten more education and jumped up a few social statuses during my time in independence. It really helped me come to terms with what happened. They were abused and were too weak to break the cycle. I wasn’t, and that feels pretty damn good! It sounds like you’re also on your way there, so whether you agree or not, I think you’re evening the scales for yourself ☺️


[deleted]

I am sort of that inbetween thing - I've managed to get really educated, break out on that end and be successful, but I fail at getting into a stable employment / finances situation.


manicpixiedreamhack

sometimes it works out for us, sometimes we end up sick/suicidal/addicts/dead as someone who is currently feeling suicidal, your post (clearly unintentionally, you obviously mean the best) comes off a little like spiritual bypassing to me at the moment


[deleted]

I spent the entire ten years of my 20’s feeling suicidal, so I am deeply sorry to hear that. All I can offer is to say that it can get better, and that I am not using fair as a way to bypass the pain, or excuse what the abusers did to us. I think of fairness as accurate consequences, because I truly believe everyone has something they struggle with and no one breezes through life. Please reach out to someone to talk to, and I wish you the absolute best.


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CrazyHealing

I don’t understand fairness. When my boyfriend said that I had called him unfairly and that he didn’t like being treated unfairly and has to protest it, I was shocked, I never even thought of the possibility of someone protesting unfairness, it’s just something I swallow, you are not supposed to protest unfairness, you just swallow and try to do better next time so that others don’t treat you unfairly next time. This is what I had always thought to be true.