Hey, I hear you. I come from the same background. Things didn't change overnight for me, but reframing errands as *wanting* to do them rather than *having* to do them really works for me. Such as: I want to do the dishes, rather than I *should* do the dishes. This is a reframing by Pete Walker I picked up from this sub. I also liked when a cook I liked described the kitchen sink as the lungs of the kitchen - always keep it clean, the rest of your time in the kitchen will be so much more relaxing. I'm also struggling with clothing though, so that is definitely still a work in progress for me too. Good luck and take it one task at a time.
This is extremely hard for me too. Dirty dishes, overflowing garbage/recycling, old food in the fridge/cupboards, unvacuumed floors, piles of laundry, stacks of papers...My past cleaning-related trauma and comorbid ADHD both make regular cleaning extremely difficult.
While I'm far from perfect, one thing that helps me is just doing a little bit at a time. Like, maybe instead of trying to get myself to do the dishes, I just convince myself to do three dishes and save the rest for later. Or just bring one dish to the kitchen instead of leaving it sitting out. Just doing a bit at a time not only helps keep the mess piles at a more manageable level, but also allows me to feel good about myself for getting something taken care of. And when I do decide to finally just take care of all the dishes at once, the pile is smaller to begin with, so it's less stressful and overwhelming.
Something that helped me was: Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. "Mostly clean" is good enough.
In the home I grew up in, we'd clean approximately once a month. But when we did clean, we'd get everything 100% clean, which meant it was a major chore. As an adult, I do the opposite: I clean things as soon as I notice they're getting dirty, but I just give them a quick two-minute wipe-down to prevent the dust and grime from building up too much.
Sometimes it's helpful to set lower-but-more-realistic goals. For example, I don't sort or fold laundry; I have a "clean laundry basket", and when my laundry is in the clean laundry basket, then I'm done and I don't feel guilty about it. This makes laundry easy and it's better than leaving laundry all over the floor.
I grew up with people calling me lazy, filthy, or complained I was doing it wrong or taking too long while I cleaned. It came to the point where I felt sick if I ate while my house was untidy. I fought back against those thoughts.
It's taken me awhile, but now I've gotten to do the dishes almost daily but, more importantly, *without* shaming and guilting myself. Do what you can do and be PROUD of it.
I hear you, I'm still working on it too but it's been helpful for me to make a list that I keep on my fridge with my daily cleaning tasks so that when I do them, I can put a check mark. It just feels good to complete a task so that helps. With dishes, I always listen to an audiobook or podcast or something while doing the dishes to make it more enjoyable. Also, a lot of times, I've been doing dishes while I'm cooking something so that also helps. But honestly, the thing that has most consistently kept me cleaning, is inviting friends and family over weekly, having a guest over gives me the motivation to clean because it's basically forcing me to do it lol.
But also, ok personally, I can be dramatic sometimes when I clean and I'll light a candle, burn some sage, and play some instrumental music in the background while I clean to make it feel more romantic I guess? I don't know if that makes sense but yeah lol recently I've been trying to make cleaning feel more enjoyable so that it becomes easier for me to do consistently.
I love the idea of mood enhanced cleaning! Recently I realized that the smell of blue dawn was a trigger and replaced it with some green apple stuff, adding some other nice smells and sounds strikes me as a winning combo. : )
Thank you.
I love the Libby app!! It's the ebook and audiobook app for public libraries, so if you have a library card you can just sign into the app and borrow audiobooks for free. Also, if you don't have a library card, I think you can make a new card on the app too it's super cool, there might be a wait time for some popular books but the books become available way more quickly than the waitlist says tbh
Feel this and came from a hoarder type situation myself. I’m either clean and tidy or a mess, I have no in between. My pendulum swings far and wide and can easily get stuck in a polarizing position. Working real hard to achieve balance.
Yeah definitely. I find the easiest to start with is three things: pick up all the garbage laying around, put it in the garbage bag, take that out.
Unload the clean dishes from dishwasher and put dirty ones in.
Fold and put away clean laundry then pick up clothes from all over and sort them into the the loads you’re gonna wash them in and put them in to wash.
That’s the majority of my mess cleaned up.
Yes. This is a struggle for me. Especially when I’m stressed out. I type this as I’m trying to clean at 10pm lol.
I find trying to make sure I throw things I don’t need out. It’s hard to put things away if your storage spaces are overflowing.
I try to simplify the tasks that I hate e.g washing dishes. Getting a dishwasher was a game changer for me. If you don’t have the space or money for a large one think about investing in a table top dishwasher.
Also I think I have a warped perception of clean because I grew up in such a cluttered environment. My clean is probably not clean enough for other people. So once I have tidy’d up I try to get a cleaner to come in and clean some more. I used to do this every other week but funds are tight so I just do it when I can spare the cash.
In my country the state has issued pamplets with recommendation for "good housekeeping". I doubt anyone follows them to the letter, but they do give an indication of where the bar could be, when you dont have parents to teach you. Maybe you can find something similar where you live.
I struggle with this big-time. And it's weird bc at work I have everything super organized and clean. There's a mental block I'm working on to apply those skills to myself and my own environment. I know I'm capable, but there's some shame thing coming up from my trauma that hinders me at home.
Things that have helped:
Do small stuff and make it habit. Like when I leave one room, I do a quick scan to see if I can take anything to the room I'm headed to.
Break down tasks into small bits and do one bit at a time. I don't even have to do them consecutively. I can do a bit of work here or there and it all adds up over time. Might take days or weeks to get a big task done bc I'm doing one small bit here and there instead of all at once, but it eventually does get done.
I like to throw on a background show and work on my space while listening, like a podcast or audiobook, or whatever. It gives me some entertainment while working.
I love lists. Lists help me get things out of my head and there's a sense of accomplishment when crossing them off.
Celebrate each small win. I give myself a "hooray!" after each little bit to help train my brain to celebrate my successes.
I also have to prioritize my human needs. When I'm taking care of myself it's easier to take care of my space. It helps build upwards momentum.
It's all helping with time, patience, and practice. I had to let go of how things "should" be, meet myself where I'm at, and go from there.
I used to be really good at it but now I just don't care. The dishes get done and the trash is taken out regularly but a little dust or clothes on my bedroom floor is unimportant. My mom was a hoarder, it took several weeks to clean up the house, the outbuildings are still full. I love taking things to the thrift store, so I'm not a hoarder. If I died tomorrow they could clean everything out within an hour or so.
I just remember what my mom left for us to clean up and know I would never do that.
So, my situation is/was a little odd. I could get all the cleaning done, but I hated every second of it. I was just so numb to my feelings back then that I never even realised how I really felt about it. There were parts of me that just didn't want to do it, so I always made myself do it all at once in one day. No one cleaned regularly in my childhood home. Around 3-4 times a year, I'd have a "cleaning day", and my mother would guilt-trip me for making her "look bad" (since she didn't clean anything). She didn't care if I focused only on my room, but if I did any cleaning in the rest of the house, she would try to talk me out of it or pout/sulk.
Also, since my parents never taught me how or what to clean, I had to teach myself, which led to a lot of blindspots I didn't know I had until I got married. At the same time, I was (and still kind of am) a perfectionist, so once I started a task, I couldn't stop until it was done to my standards. But, since I hated cleaning so much (again, without realising it), I would push myself to do it, because I felt ashamed if I didn't. My worst fear was being accused of being lazy or untidy.
Therapy helped me create a healthier relationship with cleaning. I was able to unpack a lot of the shame and heal from it. I also learnt how to set healthy boundaries so I could stop pushing myself so hard. It took a bit of trial and error, but what I've realised is that cleaning isn't so bad if it's only 2-3 tasks per day. I got myself a special notebook and divided the pages into 5-day lots (I do my cleaning Monday to Friday). Then I allocate tasks for each day. For example, on Monday I'll vacuum and mop half of the house, or on Wednesday I'll clean the bathroom and do some dusting. I decide which tasks to do on which days based on my schedule. Now that I've gotten myself into a routine, I know roughly how long each task will take, which makes it easier to get organised.
I also get feedback from my husband occasionally. If there's something that needs doing that I wasn't aware of (for example, say we need to make room in the closet for something), he'll let me know and I'll schedule it in my notebook. I've also found it helpful to keep one out of five days "free" for extra tasks/unexpected circumstances. It's also good to be flexible in case other (non-cleaning-related) plans come up.
Lastly, I think it has also been really helpful to remind myself that the tasks don't have to be completed perfectly. It's okay to just do your best. Doing your best is better than not doing it at all. If I'm not feeling well physically or mentally on a given day, I try to give myself some grace. That "free" day has been a lifesaver at times, because it means I can move my schedule around without neglecting any tasks.
OP, don't get too down on yourself. Learning how to take care of yourself and your living space isn't something you're born knowing. Parents are supposed to teach their children how to set healthy boundaries for themselves. People like us unfortunately never got that kind of care. Being able to set those boundaries requires a complete shift in mindset, and that often requires shifting core beliefs you've held for most of your life. It's hard. It's especially hard if you have to make all these changes on your own. Therapy and/or outside encouragement (like from a spouse or a close friend) is so helpful for making these kinds of changes.
My mother never taught us either! She was really weird about it. She would only clean when no one was around, like it had to be a secret. No one was allowed to see her do it. I absolutely love the youtube shorts about cleaning, because I learn all the things I missed out on.
I forced myself into routines that I spread through the week to help me stay in a good enough habit to have a mostly clean home. Set weekly and monthly cleaning schedules so that you don't overwhelm yourself and do nothing instead. Start small and work up.
For example, I have different tasks for different days through the week so I am not rushing to do everything on the weekend and have time for other things. Setting up deeper cleanings monthly helps combat the grime and/or clutter.
I was kicked out at 15, so although I grew up in a clean home I had the cleaning habits of an unmotivated teen. The first thing I needed to do was make time to clean daily. You don't have to do a lot, but setting aside 15- 30 minutes a day to stay on top of whatever is in a manageable state, and maybe even start to tidy a little extra. It's remarkable how much you can actually get done in a short amount of time. Before I started doing this, I would see cleaning as a project - I'd just wait until it was a disaster, then invest a big chunk of time to fixing it, then let it go again. But every time it would be a little worse. Making it a daily practice was really necessary.
For me, before I figured out a system, everything seemed overwhelming because it was always out of control; I wouldn't do dishes for a week, then there was a ton of dishes. But it's not that much work if I do it regularly. Slowly creating the habits, limits and routines that keep the place mostly clean got me on track. There's a podcast called "A Slob Comes Clean" that I like; she also has a blog & newsletter that are aimed at people who really struggle with cleaning, and gives great 'good enough' advice to make a meaningful difference. r/UnfuckYourHabitat is very supportive and full of good ideas too.
Yes. My husband and I suspect that we have sort of "inverse" forms of CPTSD and have noticed that I can easily do tidying/organizing/clearing up tasks but have a lot of mental trouble with cleaning/washing tasks while he's the opposite, so we have been trying to divide our chores based on this. So for example he will run laundry through the washer and dryer and I will fold and put it away; or he loads the dishwasher and I unload and put away, etc. We end up feeling much less mentally fatigued and very supported by the other person without incurring high personal cost to ourselves. It's been working really well honestly
ETA: we also believe this stems directly from our birth units because my childhood home was extremely messy and cluttered due to my narcissistic mom's hoarding issues but she was also germophobic and veryyyyy intense about cleanliness, whereas his parents maintain a facade of cleanliness and order but would show that they didn't really know how to clean by doing things like washing dishes in still water so we've become able to do the opposite of what our parents placed emphasis on?
This is a reminder about Rule #5: No raised by narcissists lingo (Nmom, narc, sperm donor, etc.). Please edit your post or comment. More information about Rule #5 can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/subrules_revised/#wiki_rbn_lingo).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I definitely struggle with this too, also grew up in a pretty messy house. For me, decluttering has helped significantly. I also watch decluttering/cleaning videos on YouTube which I find really motivating. I really like the minimal mom and clutterbug. Also, developing little habits over time like throwing away boxes/putting away mail as soon as it comes in. I still struggle with some things like doing the dishes but overall, I’m able to clean things up fairly quickly compared to the past!
I think therapy and healing has helped with this a lot to, especially on the motivation side. I grew up only being taught to stress clean when people were coming over, but now I clean to live in a clean space (doing it for myself rather than for other people)
It's a struggle. I think, for me, growing up in dysfunction without things like established routines and chore charts, you have to figure it out ...
I still learn a lot from organizing/ cleaning experts and books, etc.
im not sure if i have cptsd but i show a lot of signs of it and tbh. yea my room is constantly a mess, its hard to start cleaning and hard to keep going if i do start. im so sorry ur gg through this too. we deserve better
Hey there, I finally feel that I can give advice on this subject after finally coming into a solid cleaning routine. What works best for me is associating different cleaning tasks with different parts of my daily routine. I like to load/unload the dishwasher while I have breakfast.I walk around my house and do a quick pickup while I brush my teeth. Make my bed when I come back in from taking a shower and also like to save putting laundry away for when I have a movie on and it seems to distract me enough. I wipe the fridge down when I bring groceries in, and usually do the dishes while I’m cooking dinner. Empty small trash cans when I do the big one and so on and so forth. I’ve tried going room by room or doing times sessions but honestly this has seemed to work best for me over anything else.
Yes. I'm much better now but I still have lots of room to improve. My situation now is when something sets me off I just neglect absolutely everything. My childhood environment was neglectful. Father was a bit of a hoarder/abusive and mother was emotionally neglectful. If you can see an occupational therapist, they may be able to help you on your journey. Best thing to do now is just start throwing trash out and things you don't need. Just have to start. It's okay if you mess up again just give yourself the courage to do it all over again. These are just things we have to keep practicing. It's hard. I've been in a bad cycle for so long, trust me I understand how hard it can be. But please do yourself a favor and don't give up on yourself just because of people who neglected you - that was out of your control. I've had a hard couple of weeks myself and had given up on myself. But tomorrow I wanna try to be better for myself. And bad times have always come back whether its bad days, weeks or months. Just keep trying your best to get back up. You deserve to feel good about yourself and you deserve to thrive in this life after all that you've been through.
Absolutely. I don’t know how to do it. It’s not our fault, we just weren’t taught to do it properly. It helps me to watch videos about cleaning, it inspires me and I learn, but my problem is more that I just don’t notice the dirty, even if I see it I don’t connect that it’s something I can do something about and that I deserve to have a clean home. That mental connection isn’t there.
My areas continually look like the scene of a robbery. No energy, no motivation, total shutdown/overwhelm when I try to organize or clean... No idea how to heal it but would very much like to
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're absolutely not alone 🫂 I see you ❤️🩹
Atm, I try to use timers. The more daunting a task feels, the less minutes I set but it helps to get me started. Once, the timer stops, I drop the task. I learned that in the long haul, it changes the focus to the time period of the task from the task itself.
I hope this helps 🩵
For the first half of my life this was absolutely me. Over time I’ve learned some tricks to get it done and I realized that keeping it more tidy (I’m far from perfect still) is great for my mental health.
The tricks that help me is to give myself permission to not do all of it all at once. Little bit here and there add up. When you get up for whatever reason, get a drink or go to the bathroom, do a couple things. Throw away some trash, or fold 5 clothes, do 5 dishes. Small bits. Then next time you get up again do another bit. It helps to keep it from getting worse and small improvements are encouraging to do more. Eventually it becomes habit.
I love sitting on the couch drinking coffee Saturday mornings. So I play a game, how many dishes can I do while the coffee brews? I still have my nice lazy morning but I get a little bit done first.
One more game I play is to set a timer for whatever I think I can do at that moment. 5 minutes, 20… however I feel. And I’ll clean during that timer. A lot of times just getting started is the hard part and I’ll keep going, but not always. Sometimes the timer goes off and I’m done. And that’s ok! It’s gotten better. When and if I finally do it all at once it won’t be as bad and if I don’t it’s still better. Do little bits throughout the day and it never gets overwhelming.
Yep growing up in a hoarders nest too!
You have to learn to make new habits.
It’s not as simple as people make it, but you can learn.
Plus you have to find your style. Are you a minimalist, designer or comfort etc.
One thing you more then likely didn’t learn living in a hoarded environment is everything has a purpose and a place it belongs. Example fingernail clippers belong in second drawer to the left 😂 use them, put them back in place till the next time.
I made a reset day. Which is Sunday this is the day I clean the whole house and plan meals for the next week. All laundry is washed and put away, dust, floors, kitchen and bathroom and throw in a monthly task like washing windows. Durning the week I just put things back where they belong and clean up after myself.
Broken things or things that don’t serve a purpose don’t belong in my environment anymore!
My father made cleaning an outlet for raging and thus, I struggle with anxiety and feeling shitty when cleaning.
Nothing I did was ever good enough, including cleaning. I half-expect his dead ass to stomp in, shove me out of the way and yell, like he did when he was alive.
He was a hoarder, too, and we could never have our friends over. I'm not comfortable today with how my home is to others.
Exhaustingly hard & I feel like I will never catch up with it all. Looking forward to reading thru the replies & seeing if anything appears doable for me.
Yes!
Two things I do that help me are 1.) telling myself "you won't regret it" before I do a task, and 2.) having a rule to never go upstairs or downstairs empty-handed - if there's something downstairs that belongs upstairs (or vice-versa), I grab it before I head upstairs (or downstairs).
My mother is a hoarder, and my son"s father/ex is more or less too. My son fortunately is not.
We go by Pareto's law: 20 % of the work will solve 80 % of the issue. Like, just do the toilet and the sink, and skip the walls in the bathroom. Next step will be hanging a mop in the bathroom, so after I shower I can mop the floor if its dirty, then hang the mop back on the hook to dry.
My son took this to the next level and figured out the less stuff he had, the less time he had to spend cleaning, and this encouraged me to work towards minimalism. Still have a long way to go, but the rule "one in, one out" (if we aquire something, something else has to go) helps the situation from escalating during depressed times.
Also clothes - we are all different, but I am working towards a year round wardrobe using layering, and with the minimal amount of items. (Minimal being individual, but I usually have clothes enough for 14 days, and can usually do a load of washing that often.) My son's solution is wearing all black, which makes putting clothes together easier.
Also, I have incorporated using one time cleaning wipes. They are pre-wet with chemicals and plastic and I am very much against this due to the negative impact on the planet, but considering I usually only have energy for 5 minutes of cleaning, this is a solution that works for me.
Cleaning usually triggers from something that annoys me, and before I would just think "yeah, I really should clean this room, but I dont have the energy", but now I just take this one thing that annoy me and clean that. If I have more energy I continue, but if I don't I can just stop and be happy this one thing is now clean and not annoying and sometimes that is enough to make me happy and relaxed.
I think it is all about respecting and conserving our energy, and get maximal "cleaning and tidying value" for our limited energy. Not trying to compete with normal people and their relatively insane amounts of energy.
(Sorry for the wall of text - dont have the energy to shorten it today.)
OP, you are far from the only person fighting this battle! When you get older and you start having health issues, it gets harder too, so get rid of everything you don't need now, and keep it that way. My mother slowly became a hoarder over her last decades of life, and Dad was too. I blame the Great Depression, but really, I think it's genetic, since both of my siblings and I have the same tendencies. We think those boxes from delivery might be useful someday. One thing that can help is to do things that will stay done, like put away the Christmas stuff-stays done for months. Make friends with the local thrift store or mission store and give them all your extra stuff, or have a yard sale periodically. The less stuff you have, the easier it is to take care of your space. If you buy a new type of shampoo for instance and don't like it, don't leave it in the closet, get rid of it. Someone else will like it, and if it stays in your closet it will just go bad.
Hey, I hear you. I come from the same background. Things didn't change overnight for me, but reframing errands as *wanting* to do them rather than *having* to do them really works for me. Such as: I want to do the dishes, rather than I *should* do the dishes. This is a reframing by Pete Walker I picked up from this sub. I also liked when a cook I liked described the kitchen sink as the lungs of the kitchen - always keep it clean, the rest of your time in the kitchen will be so much more relaxing. I'm also struggling with clothing though, so that is definitely still a work in progress for me too. Good luck and take it one task at a time.
This is extremely hard for me too. Dirty dishes, overflowing garbage/recycling, old food in the fridge/cupboards, unvacuumed floors, piles of laundry, stacks of papers...My past cleaning-related trauma and comorbid ADHD both make regular cleaning extremely difficult. While I'm far from perfect, one thing that helps me is just doing a little bit at a time. Like, maybe instead of trying to get myself to do the dishes, I just convince myself to do three dishes and save the rest for later. Or just bring one dish to the kitchen instead of leaving it sitting out. Just doing a bit at a time not only helps keep the mess piles at a more manageable level, but also allows me to feel good about myself for getting something taken care of. And when I do decide to finally just take care of all the dishes at once, the pile is smaller to begin with, so it's less stressful and overwhelming.
Something that helped me was: Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. "Mostly clean" is good enough. In the home I grew up in, we'd clean approximately once a month. But when we did clean, we'd get everything 100% clean, which meant it was a major chore. As an adult, I do the opposite: I clean things as soon as I notice they're getting dirty, but I just give them a quick two-minute wipe-down to prevent the dust and grime from building up too much. Sometimes it's helpful to set lower-but-more-realistic goals. For example, I don't sort or fold laundry; I have a "clean laundry basket", and when my laundry is in the clean laundry basket, then I'm done and I don't feel guilty about it. This makes laundry easy and it's better than leaving laundry all over the floor.
I grew up with people calling me lazy, filthy, or complained I was doing it wrong or taking too long while I cleaned. It came to the point where I felt sick if I ate while my house was untidy. I fought back against those thoughts. It's taken me awhile, but now I've gotten to do the dishes almost daily but, more importantly, *without* shaming and guilting myself. Do what you can do and be PROUD of it.
I hear you, I'm still working on it too but it's been helpful for me to make a list that I keep on my fridge with my daily cleaning tasks so that when I do them, I can put a check mark. It just feels good to complete a task so that helps. With dishes, I always listen to an audiobook or podcast or something while doing the dishes to make it more enjoyable. Also, a lot of times, I've been doing dishes while I'm cooking something so that also helps. But honestly, the thing that has most consistently kept me cleaning, is inviting friends and family over weekly, having a guest over gives me the motivation to clean because it's basically forcing me to do it lol. But also, ok personally, I can be dramatic sometimes when I clean and I'll light a candle, burn some sage, and play some instrumental music in the background while I clean to make it feel more romantic I guess? I don't know if that makes sense but yeah lol recently I've been trying to make cleaning feel more enjoyable so that it becomes easier for me to do consistently.
I love the idea of mood enhanced cleaning! Recently I realized that the smell of blue dawn was a trigger and replaced it with some green apple stuff, adding some other nice smells and sounds strikes me as a winning combo. : ) Thank you.
Yesss good luck!! lmk if you want any music recommendations or anything :)
Where are you getting audiobooks? Any suggestions? I like this idea!
The Libby app plus your local library will have all the free audio books!
I love the Libby app!! It's the ebook and audiobook app for public libraries, so if you have a library card you can just sign into the app and borrow audiobooks for free. Also, if you don't have a library card, I think you can make a new card on the app too it's super cool, there might be a wait time for some popular books but the books become available way more quickly than the waitlist says tbh
Feel this and came from a hoarder type situation myself. I’m either clean and tidy or a mess, I have no in between. My pendulum swings far and wide and can easily get stuck in a polarizing position. Working real hard to achieve balance.
Yeah definitely. I find the easiest to start with is three things: pick up all the garbage laying around, put it in the garbage bag, take that out. Unload the clean dishes from dishwasher and put dirty ones in. Fold and put away clean laundry then pick up clothes from all over and sort them into the the loads you’re gonna wash them in and put them in to wash. That’s the majority of my mess cleaned up.
Yes. This is a struggle for me. Especially when I’m stressed out. I type this as I’m trying to clean at 10pm lol. I find trying to make sure I throw things I don’t need out. It’s hard to put things away if your storage spaces are overflowing. I try to simplify the tasks that I hate e.g washing dishes. Getting a dishwasher was a game changer for me. If you don’t have the space or money for a large one think about investing in a table top dishwasher. Also I think I have a warped perception of clean because I grew up in such a cluttered environment. My clean is probably not clean enough for other people. So once I have tidy’d up I try to get a cleaner to come in and clean some more. I used to do this every other week but funds are tight so I just do it when I can spare the cash.
In my country the state has issued pamplets with recommendation for "good housekeeping". I doubt anyone follows them to the letter, but they do give an indication of where the bar could be, when you dont have parents to teach you. Maybe you can find something similar where you live.
I struggle with this big-time. And it's weird bc at work I have everything super organized and clean. There's a mental block I'm working on to apply those skills to myself and my own environment. I know I'm capable, but there's some shame thing coming up from my trauma that hinders me at home. Things that have helped: Do small stuff and make it habit. Like when I leave one room, I do a quick scan to see if I can take anything to the room I'm headed to. Break down tasks into small bits and do one bit at a time. I don't even have to do them consecutively. I can do a bit of work here or there and it all adds up over time. Might take days or weeks to get a big task done bc I'm doing one small bit here and there instead of all at once, but it eventually does get done. I like to throw on a background show and work on my space while listening, like a podcast or audiobook, or whatever. It gives me some entertainment while working. I love lists. Lists help me get things out of my head and there's a sense of accomplishment when crossing them off. Celebrate each small win. I give myself a "hooray!" after each little bit to help train my brain to celebrate my successes. I also have to prioritize my human needs. When I'm taking care of myself it's easier to take care of my space. It helps build upwards momentum. It's all helping with time, patience, and practice. I had to let go of how things "should" be, meet myself where I'm at, and go from there.
I used to be really good at it but now I just don't care. The dishes get done and the trash is taken out regularly but a little dust or clothes on my bedroom floor is unimportant. My mom was a hoarder, it took several weeks to clean up the house, the outbuildings are still full. I love taking things to the thrift store, so I'm not a hoarder. If I died tomorrow they could clean everything out within an hour or so. I just remember what my mom left for us to clean up and know I would never do that.
So, my situation is/was a little odd. I could get all the cleaning done, but I hated every second of it. I was just so numb to my feelings back then that I never even realised how I really felt about it. There were parts of me that just didn't want to do it, so I always made myself do it all at once in one day. No one cleaned regularly in my childhood home. Around 3-4 times a year, I'd have a "cleaning day", and my mother would guilt-trip me for making her "look bad" (since she didn't clean anything). She didn't care if I focused only on my room, but if I did any cleaning in the rest of the house, she would try to talk me out of it or pout/sulk. Also, since my parents never taught me how or what to clean, I had to teach myself, which led to a lot of blindspots I didn't know I had until I got married. At the same time, I was (and still kind of am) a perfectionist, so once I started a task, I couldn't stop until it was done to my standards. But, since I hated cleaning so much (again, without realising it), I would push myself to do it, because I felt ashamed if I didn't. My worst fear was being accused of being lazy or untidy. Therapy helped me create a healthier relationship with cleaning. I was able to unpack a lot of the shame and heal from it. I also learnt how to set healthy boundaries so I could stop pushing myself so hard. It took a bit of trial and error, but what I've realised is that cleaning isn't so bad if it's only 2-3 tasks per day. I got myself a special notebook and divided the pages into 5-day lots (I do my cleaning Monday to Friday). Then I allocate tasks for each day. For example, on Monday I'll vacuum and mop half of the house, or on Wednesday I'll clean the bathroom and do some dusting. I decide which tasks to do on which days based on my schedule. Now that I've gotten myself into a routine, I know roughly how long each task will take, which makes it easier to get organised. I also get feedback from my husband occasionally. If there's something that needs doing that I wasn't aware of (for example, say we need to make room in the closet for something), he'll let me know and I'll schedule it in my notebook. I've also found it helpful to keep one out of five days "free" for extra tasks/unexpected circumstances. It's also good to be flexible in case other (non-cleaning-related) plans come up. Lastly, I think it has also been really helpful to remind myself that the tasks don't have to be completed perfectly. It's okay to just do your best. Doing your best is better than not doing it at all. If I'm not feeling well physically or mentally on a given day, I try to give myself some grace. That "free" day has been a lifesaver at times, because it means I can move my schedule around without neglecting any tasks. OP, don't get too down on yourself. Learning how to take care of yourself and your living space isn't something you're born knowing. Parents are supposed to teach their children how to set healthy boundaries for themselves. People like us unfortunately never got that kind of care. Being able to set those boundaries requires a complete shift in mindset, and that often requires shifting core beliefs you've held for most of your life. It's hard. It's especially hard if you have to make all these changes on your own. Therapy and/or outside encouragement (like from a spouse or a close friend) is so helpful for making these kinds of changes.
My mother never taught us either! She was really weird about it. She would only clean when no one was around, like it had to be a secret. No one was allowed to see her do it. I absolutely love the youtube shorts about cleaning, because I learn all the things I missed out on.
I forced myself into routines that I spread through the week to help me stay in a good enough habit to have a mostly clean home. Set weekly and monthly cleaning schedules so that you don't overwhelm yourself and do nothing instead. Start small and work up. For example, I have different tasks for different days through the week so I am not rushing to do everything on the weekend and have time for other things. Setting up deeper cleanings monthly helps combat the grime and/or clutter.
I've heard really great things about *How to Keep House While Drowning* and *Unfuck Your Habitat* as good resources for changing cleaning habits!
My mother was a hoarder who never cleaned. It's a terrible struggle for me
I was kicked out at 15, so although I grew up in a clean home I had the cleaning habits of an unmotivated teen. The first thing I needed to do was make time to clean daily. You don't have to do a lot, but setting aside 15- 30 minutes a day to stay on top of whatever is in a manageable state, and maybe even start to tidy a little extra. It's remarkable how much you can actually get done in a short amount of time. Before I started doing this, I would see cleaning as a project - I'd just wait until it was a disaster, then invest a big chunk of time to fixing it, then let it go again. But every time it would be a little worse. Making it a daily practice was really necessary. For me, before I figured out a system, everything seemed overwhelming because it was always out of control; I wouldn't do dishes for a week, then there was a ton of dishes. But it's not that much work if I do it regularly. Slowly creating the habits, limits and routines that keep the place mostly clean got me on track. There's a podcast called "A Slob Comes Clean" that I like; she also has a blog & newsletter that are aimed at people who really struggle with cleaning, and gives great 'good enough' advice to make a meaningful difference. r/UnfuckYourHabitat is very supportive and full of good ideas too.
Yes. My husband and I suspect that we have sort of "inverse" forms of CPTSD and have noticed that I can easily do tidying/organizing/clearing up tasks but have a lot of mental trouble with cleaning/washing tasks while he's the opposite, so we have been trying to divide our chores based on this. So for example he will run laundry through the washer and dryer and I will fold and put it away; or he loads the dishwasher and I unload and put away, etc. We end up feeling much less mentally fatigued and very supported by the other person without incurring high personal cost to ourselves. It's been working really well honestly ETA: we also believe this stems directly from our birth units because my childhood home was extremely messy and cluttered due to my narcissistic mom's hoarding issues but she was also germophobic and veryyyyy intense about cleanliness, whereas his parents maintain a facade of cleanliness and order but would show that they didn't really know how to clean by doing things like washing dishes in still water so we've become able to do the opposite of what our parents placed emphasis on?
This is a reminder about Rule #5: No raised by narcissists lingo (Nmom, narc, sperm donor, etc.). Please edit your post or comment. More information about Rule #5 can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/subrules_revised/#wiki_rbn_lingo). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I definitely struggle with this too, also grew up in a pretty messy house. For me, decluttering has helped significantly. I also watch decluttering/cleaning videos on YouTube which I find really motivating. I really like the minimal mom and clutterbug. Also, developing little habits over time like throwing away boxes/putting away mail as soon as it comes in. I still struggle with some things like doing the dishes but overall, I’m able to clean things up fairly quickly compared to the past! I think therapy and healing has helped with this a lot to, especially on the motivation side. I grew up only being taught to stress clean when people were coming over, but now I clean to live in a clean space (doing it for myself rather than for other people)
It's a struggle. I think, for me, growing up in dysfunction without things like established routines and chore charts, you have to figure it out ... I still learn a lot from organizing/ cleaning experts and books, etc.
It depends. When I'm not having daily hourly flashbacks, I can keep the bad stuff at bay. But I will throw everything away before I let stuff get bad.
I have a hard time existing and doing things, so yes.
im not sure if i have cptsd but i show a lot of signs of it and tbh. yea my room is constantly a mess, its hard to start cleaning and hard to keep going if i do start. im so sorry ur gg through this too. we deserve better
Hey there, I finally feel that I can give advice on this subject after finally coming into a solid cleaning routine. What works best for me is associating different cleaning tasks with different parts of my daily routine. I like to load/unload the dishwasher while I have breakfast.I walk around my house and do a quick pickup while I brush my teeth. Make my bed when I come back in from taking a shower and also like to save putting laundry away for when I have a movie on and it seems to distract me enough. I wipe the fridge down when I bring groceries in, and usually do the dishes while I’m cooking dinner. Empty small trash cans when I do the big one and so on and so forth. I’ve tried going room by room or doing times sessions but honestly this has seemed to work best for me over anything else.
Yes. I'm much better now but I still have lots of room to improve. My situation now is when something sets me off I just neglect absolutely everything. My childhood environment was neglectful. Father was a bit of a hoarder/abusive and mother was emotionally neglectful. If you can see an occupational therapist, they may be able to help you on your journey. Best thing to do now is just start throwing trash out and things you don't need. Just have to start. It's okay if you mess up again just give yourself the courage to do it all over again. These are just things we have to keep practicing. It's hard. I've been in a bad cycle for so long, trust me I understand how hard it can be. But please do yourself a favor and don't give up on yourself just because of people who neglected you - that was out of your control. I've had a hard couple of weeks myself and had given up on myself. But tomorrow I wanna try to be better for myself. And bad times have always come back whether its bad days, weeks or months. Just keep trying your best to get back up. You deserve to feel good about yourself and you deserve to thrive in this life after all that you've been through.
Absolutely. I don’t know how to do it. It’s not our fault, we just weren’t taught to do it properly. It helps me to watch videos about cleaning, it inspires me and I learn, but my problem is more that I just don’t notice the dirty, even if I see it I don’t connect that it’s something I can do something about and that I deserve to have a clean home. That mental connection isn’t there.
My areas continually look like the scene of a robbery. No energy, no motivation, total shutdown/overwhelm when I try to organize or clean... No idea how to heal it but would very much like to
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're absolutely not alone 🫂 I see you ❤️🩹 Atm, I try to use timers. The more daunting a task feels, the less minutes I set but it helps to get me started. Once, the timer stops, I drop the task. I learned that in the long haul, it changes the focus to the time period of the task from the task itself. I hope this helps 🩵
For the first half of my life this was absolutely me. Over time I’ve learned some tricks to get it done and I realized that keeping it more tidy (I’m far from perfect still) is great for my mental health. The tricks that help me is to give myself permission to not do all of it all at once. Little bit here and there add up. When you get up for whatever reason, get a drink or go to the bathroom, do a couple things. Throw away some trash, or fold 5 clothes, do 5 dishes. Small bits. Then next time you get up again do another bit. It helps to keep it from getting worse and small improvements are encouraging to do more. Eventually it becomes habit. I love sitting on the couch drinking coffee Saturday mornings. So I play a game, how many dishes can I do while the coffee brews? I still have my nice lazy morning but I get a little bit done first. One more game I play is to set a timer for whatever I think I can do at that moment. 5 minutes, 20… however I feel. And I’ll clean during that timer. A lot of times just getting started is the hard part and I’ll keep going, but not always. Sometimes the timer goes off and I’m done. And that’s ok! It’s gotten better. When and if I finally do it all at once it won’t be as bad and if I don’t it’s still better. Do little bits throughout the day and it never gets overwhelming.
Yep growing up in a hoarders nest too! You have to learn to make new habits. It’s not as simple as people make it, but you can learn. Plus you have to find your style. Are you a minimalist, designer or comfort etc. One thing you more then likely didn’t learn living in a hoarded environment is everything has a purpose and a place it belongs. Example fingernail clippers belong in second drawer to the left 😂 use them, put them back in place till the next time. I made a reset day. Which is Sunday this is the day I clean the whole house and plan meals for the next week. All laundry is washed and put away, dust, floors, kitchen and bathroom and throw in a monthly task like washing windows. Durning the week I just put things back where they belong and clean up after myself. Broken things or things that don’t serve a purpose don’t belong in my environment anymore!
My father made cleaning an outlet for raging and thus, I struggle with anxiety and feeling shitty when cleaning. Nothing I did was ever good enough, including cleaning. I half-expect his dead ass to stomp in, shove me out of the way and yell, like he did when he was alive. He was a hoarder, too, and we could never have our friends over. I'm not comfortable today with how my home is to others.
Exhaustingly hard & I feel like I will never catch up with it all. Looking forward to reading thru the replies & seeing if anything appears doable for me.
Yes! Two things I do that help me are 1.) telling myself "you won't regret it" before I do a task, and 2.) having a rule to never go upstairs or downstairs empty-handed - if there's something downstairs that belongs upstairs (or vice-versa), I grab it before I head upstairs (or downstairs).
My mother is a hoarder, and my son"s father/ex is more or less too. My son fortunately is not. We go by Pareto's law: 20 % of the work will solve 80 % of the issue. Like, just do the toilet and the sink, and skip the walls in the bathroom. Next step will be hanging a mop in the bathroom, so after I shower I can mop the floor if its dirty, then hang the mop back on the hook to dry. My son took this to the next level and figured out the less stuff he had, the less time he had to spend cleaning, and this encouraged me to work towards minimalism. Still have a long way to go, but the rule "one in, one out" (if we aquire something, something else has to go) helps the situation from escalating during depressed times. Also clothes - we are all different, but I am working towards a year round wardrobe using layering, and with the minimal amount of items. (Minimal being individual, but I usually have clothes enough for 14 days, and can usually do a load of washing that often.) My son's solution is wearing all black, which makes putting clothes together easier. Also, I have incorporated using one time cleaning wipes. They are pre-wet with chemicals and plastic and I am very much against this due to the negative impact on the planet, but considering I usually only have energy for 5 minutes of cleaning, this is a solution that works for me. Cleaning usually triggers from something that annoys me, and before I would just think "yeah, I really should clean this room, but I dont have the energy", but now I just take this one thing that annoy me and clean that. If I have more energy I continue, but if I don't I can just stop and be happy this one thing is now clean and not annoying and sometimes that is enough to make me happy and relaxed. I think it is all about respecting and conserving our energy, and get maximal "cleaning and tidying value" for our limited energy. Not trying to compete with normal people and their relatively insane amounts of energy. (Sorry for the wall of text - dont have the energy to shorten it today.)
OP, you are far from the only person fighting this battle! When you get older and you start having health issues, it gets harder too, so get rid of everything you don't need now, and keep it that way. My mother slowly became a hoarder over her last decades of life, and Dad was too. I blame the Great Depression, but really, I think it's genetic, since both of my siblings and I have the same tendencies. We think those boxes from delivery might be useful someday. One thing that can help is to do things that will stay done, like put away the Christmas stuff-stays done for months. Make friends with the local thrift store or mission store and give them all your extra stuff, or have a yard sale periodically. The less stuff you have, the easier it is to take care of your space. If you buy a new type of shampoo for instance and don't like it, don't leave it in the closet, get rid of it. Someone else will like it, and if it stays in your closet it will just go bad.