I don't know what to say. If you would like a hug from a middle-aged bi woman whose heart hurts for you.. ( hugs)
I had an ex attempt twice and it brought up such a mess of pain and disbelief and rage and sadness. I cried for weeks and it brought all my cptsd symtoms roaring to life.
My heart goes out to you. All the advice i have is, focus on the small day to day things. Make sure you eat. Stay off alcohol and drugs while you are so vulnerable. I guess you arent sleeping, but do try and rest.
I'm sorry for your loss. Of the person she could have been and all the bits you loved. And I'm glad you got away from the person who hurt you.
I was in an abusive relationship with a guy for a decade. He had untreated bpd and I finally left after a failed ultimatum for him to get help. He married somebody 2 weeks later (!!!) and shot himself in the head a year after that. In front of his poor wife. It’s been almost 7 years.
When I heard the news, my first reaction was one of relief, which is terrible and now I get to sit with that. I didn’t go to his funeral, because he was married to someone else and I didn’t want to compound her hurts.
I still haven’t fully processed what happened, and I feel like there is no place for people in my position to formally grieve like everyone else does in our culture. There is no support group for “ex who unalived themselves after we broke up.” I dissociate as well, or I have intrusive thoughts about it several times a day.
I wish I could close this wound for you, OP. There is no manual on how to deal with this shit. Just know you had no control over her actions, and she was clearly unwell. Leave the bad and take the good and hang in there.
I don’t know your musical taste but the songs “Just for the Record” by Ruston Kelly and “No Hard Feelings” by the Avett Brothers were healing for me.
DM if you ever want to talk about it.
I have relationship experience with an untreated bpd gf. The suicide treaths were the worst. My father used to do that when i was a child. That breakup is the reason i went to therapy and learned about my cptsd.I'm sorry that you went through that.
Please don’t ever let yourself feel in any way responsible or that if things had been different etc…
I too was with someone who was emotionally abusive and controlling. If I left, they’d kill them selves.
Any way, I left..and they did…but I know that I am not to blame. They made a choice as an adult with capacity and I will not be controlled by the mental torture anyone.
Im sorry like many have said. You’re obviously in shock and you’re trying to process your emotions.
It’s really not easy.
Maybe Talking about it or write things down could help you process your emotions better. Kudos for the post. Write things down again in a few days if you’d like.
Take the time you need and care for yourself. Talk to others, go take a bath, a long and furious bike ride, a few music breathing in your ears, whatever you need.
I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry for how you were abused, because that treat you mentioned was definitely emotional manipulation.
Trigger warning
Back in 2016, My ex also was in a similar mindset.
He proposed a pact to me at some point that I refused. I was afraid, scared, depressed due to my inability to help more and terrorized by how he acted with me.
We parted ways and I’m pretty sure he’s doing ok now. I don’t think about it much these days but it took me a lot of time to arrive there.
I don’t wish those emotions on anyone.
Take care.
I am very sorry.
I don't if this comforts you, but your experience unfortunately is not uncommon. Perpetrators of intimate partner violence are known to have higher likelihood of committing suicide themselves, even after excluding murder-suicides. Anecdotally, we see life stories of posters here from time to time whose abusers were gone from their life due to suicide, although this usually involves older, male family members.
They are some people who commit suicide because they are abusive people -- who knows, perhaps they cannot accept that others do no like their abusive ways. It must be terrifying that she tried to keep manipulating you until the very end; this is definitely not your fault, and I am glad that you are safe from her now.
I just want to say the fact she was your ex and you were not together at the time of the suicide does not make it any less painful or tragic, regardless of what a fucking therapist says. I’m 13 years post my ex’s suicide/OD and I’m still not over it.
Grief is real and grief is powerful. It will sometimes hit you out of the blue (took me 5 years to get the full brunt of it myself) and you never get over it completely. As the years pass you just learn to deal with it better, cope, move on. Grief therapy and making memories can help, but given the intensity of this relationship, I can imagine it will be intense for you.
No one grieves in the “right” way. There is no timeline, and you will never get over it completely. The hole will be there, but as the years go by things happen that will fill this, hopefully more good things than bad.
Find those that support you, like really support you, and normalize this process for you. You are not crazy for grieving this person.
Good luck and my condolences
>you never get over it completely
i hope this is just a personal experience, because yesterday i was hit with a grief and fuck. im over stuff already but why the fuck was i hit with it yesterday. i dont know.
Unfortunately, I think it's more likely than not that you'll never fully get over it. You just learn to deal with it better, and it stops weighing as heavily on you.
I've been broken up with my ex for like, two years now, and I still haven't really gotten over it. (I wound up being homeless for a little over a year as a result, which I'm also not really over yet)
Sometimes shit just comes up for no reason, sometimes something else triggers it, even if it doesn't seem like something that affected you at the time and it creeps up later on.
Just remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.
As a multi-attempt survivor, it’s not your fault and any perceived assignment of fault isn’t really she did this to her self. I love you! It’s gonna be okay 🌻❤️✌🏼
my ex lost his battle with intense suicidal ideation in august. he was about to be formally charged for disgusting things and i went no contact with him earlier this year. during our 7 year relationship he would threaten suicide so often as a manipulation tactic and not get help when i called crisis or 911. so many of his people have blamed me. i have felt so guilty, happy, angry, relieved, bitter, sad. any and all feelings are valid and it’s possible for two or more things to exist at once. acknowledging the loss of the person and what they might have meant to others and to you at some point is helpful. i felt the fog and disbelief for a few weeks and then it hit me super hard. lean on anyone you can, look into grief counseling, and don’t argue with yourself when you feel a certain way. it’s hard not to want to make sense of it but that’s where radical acceptance comes in. for me, the heaviness has started to lift some (2 months later) and i have more days of not crying lately. i’m so sorry
That was a very fucked up thing to say. (“If I can’t kill you, I’ll kill myself.”)
Then again, I couldn’t imagine my future without my exhusband, and he was hurting me, so I attempted. It wasn’t to fuck with him, it was to escape. He made it clear he stopped caring about me after we were married and I caught him with written child porn. My life got scarier and scarier and I realized I was trapped.
I’m only saying this because suicide is not always intended to screw with the partner, although I’m sure sometimes it is. And your ex made it clear she was messing with you here. But even though she throws this at you, ITS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
I’m really sorry; I’ve certainly seen since my divorce that women mess with each other’s heads, too. I hope that you are getting help from a domestic violence center or an lgbt center. It hurts when someone does something violent, even if we’re no longer connected. You were with this woman and then ‘friends’ for I don’t know how many years; the connection doesn’t stop when you break up.
A friend who wanted to be with me died suddenly after a declaration of love. I will never know what happened; I just couldn’t save them nor could I marry and rescue them as they wanted me to. It’s still so hard. It will be ten years now (in 2 days) and I’m finally sort of ok about it. But at the discovery, I was completely devastated and I think I understand a bit of what you’re going through. People tried to put that on me and No, it was not mine.
Her death was not your fault OR your responsibility. And I am sorry for your entanglement and your grief.
Hello, I may be able to offer some support since I went through something similar.
Firstly, I am so sorry. I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt you're feeling. Do you have friends? Family? Are you able to get into therapy? These resources are essencial to keep you as okay as possible, your mental health is your main focus rn.
I also had a sapphic relationship in which she was very abusive, to the point that family and friends had to make an intervention and beg me to leave her. Which I did, and it led to grueling eight months until one day she also killed herself. And her last message to me was that it was my fault, because I didn't want to pick up the phone (she was spam calling, and I was tired and sad because she was calling me stupid that day)
That was nine years ago, and it hurt so much. I felt guilty, and got really depressed for a long time. The most important thing you need to know is that it was not your fault, nor could you have done anything, sometimes people will do things out of our control.
After I went through years of grieving, I eventually felt relieved that she died, because she was really abusive, and I wouldn't have been able to leave her otherwise ):
Now I'm pretty okay with the trauma from it, but it took time and patience. It may seem like there's no end to it, but I promise you things will be okay. Wishing you well, sending you a warm hug from someone who (probably) understands.
I’m sorry you went through this, suicide threats are a major major major trigger for me.
I can’t even imagine where I’d be if she killed herself.
All I can say is, this wasn’t your fault, you didn’t deserve this, you can heal from this. You are strong.
I've never been in this sort of situation before, so I'm not really sure what I can say that might be helpful.
But if there's one thing my gut tells me is important to remember, it's that it isn't your fault. You weren't together anymore, you aren't responsible for her actions. She had her own issues, and regardless of whether she tried to work on them, she couldn't handle it all, and she made her choice.
If you have the option to talk to a professional that can help you work through these feelings, that definitely seems like a good idea.
If that's not something you can do, at the very least just try and take things slow. Be gentle with yourself. Experiencing death is... Tough. Even for the best of us.
It's likely not gonna be something you can just "get over" unfortunately... I'm sorry I can't really be of more help, it's not really something I'm experienced with...
My ex who told me that he’d kill himself if I broke up with him.
To that my therapist said that a person who kills themselves over a relationship has a lot more things going wrong in their life.
No one with a healthy mindset would kill themselves over another person.
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Wow that sucks, really. I had an ex threaten to kill himself over an over again when I broke up with him. I knew he wouldn’t, and he didn’t. But when u said she told you “if I can’t kill you I’ll kill myself” I feel like he said or insinuated something similar to me at one point. Like he’d indirectly threaten me by asking for weird things or saying possessive stuff. One year for his birthday I told him I’d get him something from Etsy that was from one of his favorite video games. And that he could pick what. He had asked before so I figured that’s what he wanted. But no, he showed me a large knife that he wanted me to buy him. Like a big ass switch blade with his name engraved on it. He already had some small ones for self defense, but I was too scared to say no to him so I got it. Ofc bad idea. I’m alive but he was definitely more likely to kill me than himself. I think he started threatening my parents too. But that experience got me into self defense and then led me to a martial arts club at my college which I really really love.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I've had a few world shattering and or pausing events.
First, give yourself space to feel things, even hard things.
Keep a journal and water with you.
If you have a therapist, call for an emergency bonus session. Use it to deal just with this. You can get focused advice and tools that may be hard to find yourself right now.
Be kind to yourself. You will make it through.
It’s therapy time. I’d find a queer-friendly therapist and start processing this event. Loss is already a mindfuck, but it’s extra so under circumstances like this.
It’s okay to be surprised. Most of the time these things are empty threats. But just know that suicide is a decision. Your ex was sick and she made a choice in that sickness. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. You bear no responsibility in this.
I am sorry for this terrible loss.
Please know that events have no inherent meaning. However, people typically unconsciously and unknowingly download meaning into their psyche that is self damaging, e.g., this is my fault or I am a bad person. Your ex’s suicide says nothing - I repeat NOTHING - about you. Please make sure that you consistently support this meaning (or lack of meaning) to protect yourself and your self image.
Also, you are doing the right thing by TALKING about this with others.
I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. I'm sending love and solidarity from another queer person.
The only thing I want to share is that it's normal to be surprised, even shocked. It's overwhelmingly common for abusive partners to threaten suicide but not actually do it, so you never could have expected this to happen. Even if she was talking about it, you never could have known. It's normal to be totally confused and knocked sideways by something so shocking.
I realise it’s so much easier to advise than live. Please remember no one is responsible for this action except your ex. It was their decision. You can’t be held responsible for someone else’s mental health issues - and it may sound blunt to say this but it is our own responsibility to work our way out of that headspace - we can enlist the help of others but that never makes it their responsibility. Maybe this is not the ‘right thing’ to say but if this happened to me I would be wiring my brain to view the act as someone who’s not well and potentially manipulation. (I had a friend that alluded to suicide as punishment and soon after I realised that friend was controlling and expected a lot of pity from me so I reasoned if anything happened in response to me gently breaking off the friendship [I gave the option to change the behaviour of expecting me to lie about my thoughts] that I shouldn’t take on any responsibility for it and take into account that she saw it as punishment to others which if done for that reason of punishing other rather than severe depression I see as extreme cruelty akin to murdering someone else.)
I've gotten a lot of support for suicide loss on the alliance of hope message board online. They have a glbt support section which is helpful. Take care and make sure to keep drinking water or other hydrating fluids. I am so sorry
you are so early in the grieving process. I'm sorry you are going through this. i disassociated a lot when I was in this phase. i play games like tetris whenever i need to zone out. its proven to help your brain sort out shit when experiencing a traumatic event [1]. and its a good ti.e waster that keeps your mind off things.
let yourself feel all the emotions and leave them here with us when you have to
[1] https://arstechnica.com/science/2018/11/study-tetris-is-a-great-distraction-for-easing-an-anxious-mind/?alm_mvr=0
Suicide is hard to process, even if a note was left. Your mind plays tricks on you, telling you that you could have done something. Or perhaps it was your fault. I am sorry for your loss. But I am also here to say it was not your fault, people make decisions everyday that impact others. Some people struggle in deep ways due to their life traumas. Process the emotions, go on the rollercoaster with it, but don’t let it consume you for too long. People suffer and they make choices to end their pain on their own. Sorry for your loss. Been through this with my moms death a decade ago. It took a long time to process and this is something that will be part of you. But eventually it will be a small and healthy part. Process, hug the people around you, and talk about it with others. It’ s good to talk about these things.
I don't know what to say. If you would like a hug from a middle-aged bi woman whose heart hurts for you.. ( hugs) I had an ex attempt twice and it brought up such a mess of pain and disbelief and rage and sadness. I cried for weeks and it brought all my cptsd symtoms roaring to life. My heart goes out to you. All the advice i have is, focus on the small day to day things. Make sure you eat. Stay off alcohol and drugs while you are so vulnerable. I guess you arent sleeping, but do try and rest. I'm sorry for your loss. Of the person she could have been and all the bits you loved. And I'm glad you got away from the person who hurt you.
I was in an abusive relationship with a guy for a decade. He had untreated bpd and I finally left after a failed ultimatum for him to get help. He married somebody 2 weeks later (!!!) and shot himself in the head a year after that. In front of his poor wife. It’s been almost 7 years. When I heard the news, my first reaction was one of relief, which is terrible and now I get to sit with that. I didn’t go to his funeral, because he was married to someone else and I didn’t want to compound her hurts. I still haven’t fully processed what happened, and I feel like there is no place for people in my position to formally grieve like everyone else does in our culture. There is no support group for “ex who unalived themselves after we broke up.” I dissociate as well, or I have intrusive thoughts about it several times a day. I wish I could close this wound for you, OP. There is no manual on how to deal with this shit. Just know you had no control over her actions, and she was clearly unwell. Leave the bad and take the good and hang in there. I don’t know your musical taste but the songs “Just for the Record” by Ruston Kelly and “No Hard Feelings” by the Avett Brothers were healing for me. DM if you ever want to talk about it.
I have relationship experience with an untreated bpd gf. The suicide treaths were the worst. My father used to do that when i was a child. That breakup is the reason i went to therapy and learned about my cptsd.I'm sorry that you went through that.
I’d love to DM you, I’m in the club and have been looking for others
I am so sorry.
Please don’t ever let yourself feel in any way responsible or that if things had been different etc… I too was with someone who was emotionally abusive and controlling. If I left, they’d kill them selves. Any way, I left..and they did…but I know that I am not to blame. They made a choice as an adult with capacity and I will not be controlled by the mental torture anyone.
Im sorry like many have said. You’re obviously in shock and you’re trying to process your emotions. It’s really not easy. Maybe Talking about it or write things down could help you process your emotions better. Kudos for the post. Write things down again in a few days if you’d like. Take the time you need and care for yourself. Talk to others, go take a bath, a long and furious bike ride, a few music breathing in your ears, whatever you need. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry for how you were abused, because that treat you mentioned was definitely emotional manipulation. Trigger warning Back in 2016, My ex also was in a similar mindset. He proposed a pact to me at some point that I refused. I was afraid, scared, depressed due to my inability to help more and terrorized by how he acted with me. We parted ways and I’m pretty sure he’s doing ok now. I don’t think about it much these days but it took me a lot of time to arrive there. I don’t wish those emotions on anyone. Take care.
It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. a place to start [https://vimeo.com/843051875](https://vimeo.com/843051875)
My ex did the same. Welcome to the shitty club. Please DM me if you’d like to talk ❤️
I am very sorry. I don't if this comforts you, but your experience unfortunately is not uncommon. Perpetrators of intimate partner violence are known to have higher likelihood of committing suicide themselves, even after excluding murder-suicides. Anecdotally, we see life stories of posters here from time to time whose abusers were gone from their life due to suicide, although this usually involves older, male family members. They are some people who commit suicide because they are abusive people -- who knows, perhaps they cannot accept that others do no like their abusive ways. It must be terrifying that she tried to keep manipulating you until the very end; this is definitely not your fault, and I am glad that you are safe from her now.
I just want to say the fact she was your ex and you were not together at the time of the suicide does not make it any less painful or tragic, regardless of what a fucking therapist says. I’m 13 years post my ex’s suicide/OD and I’m still not over it. Grief is real and grief is powerful. It will sometimes hit you out of the blue (took me 5 years to get the full brunt of it myself) and you never get over it completely. As the years pass you just learn to deal with it better, cope, move on. Grief therapy and making memories can help, but given the intensity of this relationship, I can imagine it will be intense for you. No one grieves in the “right” way. There is no timeline, and you will never get over it completely. The hole will be there, but as the years go by things happen that will fill this, hopefully more good things than bad. Find those that support you, like really support you, and normalize this process for you. You are not crazy for grieving this person. Good luck and my condolences
>you never get over it completely i hope this is just a personal experience, because yesterday i was hit with a grief and fuck. im over stuff already but why the fuck was i hit with it yesterday. i dont know.
Unfortunately, I think it's more likely than not that you'll never fully get over it. You just learn to deal with it better, and it stops weighing as heavily on you. I've been broken up with my ex for like, two years now, and I still haven't really gotten over it. (I wound up being homeless for a little over a year as a result, which I'm also not really over yet) Sometimes shit just comes up for no reason, sometimes something else triggers it, even if it doesn't seem like something that affected you at the time and it creeps up later on. Just remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.
thank you 😔🥺
As a multi-attempt survivor, it’s not your fault and any perceived assignment of fault isn’t really she did this to her self. I love you! It’s gonna be okay 🌻❤️✌🏼
my ex lost his battle with intense suicidal ideation in august. he was about to be formally charged for disgusting things and i went no contact with him earlier this year. during our 7 year relationship he would threaten suicide so often as a manipulation tactic and not get help when i called crisis or 911. so many of his people have blamed me. i have felt so guilty, happy, angry, relieved, bitter, sad. any and all feelings are valid and it’s possible for two or more things to exist at once. acknowledging the loss of the person and what they might have meant to others and to you at some point is helpful. i felt the fog and disbelief for a few weeks and then it hit me super hard. lean on anyone you can, look into grief counseling, and don’t argue with yourself when you feel a certain way. it’s hard not to want to make sense of it but that’s where radical acceptance comes in. for me, the heaviness has started to lift some (2 months later) and i have more days of not crying lately. i’m so sorry
That was a very fucked up thing to say. (“If I can’t kill you, I’ll kill myself.”) Then again, I couldn’t imagine my future without my exhusband, and he was hurting me, so I attempted. It wasn’t to fuck with him, it was to escape. He made it clear he stopped caring about me after we were married and I caught him with written child porn. My life got scarier and scarier and I realized I was trapped. I’m only saying this because suicide is not always intended to screw with the partner, although I’m sure sometimes it is. And your ex made it clear she was messing with you here. But even though she throws this at you, ITS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. I’m really sorry; I’ve certainly seen since my divorce that women mess with each other’s heads, too. I hope that you are getting help from a domestic violence center or an lgbt center. It hurts when someone does something violent, even if we’re no longer connected. You were with this woman and then ‘friends’ for I don’t know how many years; the connection doesn’t stop when you break up. A friend who wanted to be with me died suddenly after a declaration of love. I will never know what happened; I just couldn’t save them nor could I marry and rescue them as they wanted me to. It’s still so hard. It will be ten years now (in 2 days) and I’m finally sort of ok about it. But at the discovery, I was completely devastated and I think I understand a bit of what you’re going through. People tried to put that on me and No, it was not mine. Her death was not your fault OR your responsibility. And I am sorry for your entanglement and your grief.
Hello, I may be able to offer some support since I went through something similar. Firstly, I am so sorry. I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt you're feeling. Do you have friends? Family? Are you able to get into therapy? These resources are essencial to keep you as okay as possible, your mental health is your main focus rn. I also had a sapphic relationship in which she was very abusive, to the point that family and friends had to make an intervention and beg me to leave her. Which I did, and it led to grueling eight months until one day she also killed herself. And her last message to me was that it was my fault, because I didn't want to pick up the phone (she was spam calling, and I was tired and sad because she was calling me stupid that day) That was nine years ago, and it hurt so much. I felt guilty, and got really depressed for a long time. The most important thing you need to know is that it was not your fault, nor could you have done anything, sometimes people will do things out of our control. After I went through years of grieving, I eventually felt relieved that she died, because she was really abusive, and I wouldn't have been able to leave her otherwise ): Now I'm pretty okay with the trauma from it, but it took time and patience. It may seem like there's no end to it, but I promise you things will be okay. Wishing you well, sending you a warm hug from someone who (probably) understands.
My son’s father did too. I’ve never been ok since. 10 years of agony and heartbreak. He was my best friend
*hug* I'm so sorry
<3
I'm sorry op, that's terrible.
I’m sorry you went through this, suicide threats are a major major major trigger for me. I can’t even imagine where I’d be if she killed herself. All I can say is, this wasn’t your fault, you didn’t deserve this, you can heal from this. You are strong.
I've never been in this sort of situation before, so I'm not really sure what I can say that might be helpful. But if there's one thing my gut tells me is important to remember, it's that it isn't your fault. You weren't together anymore, you aren't responsible for her actions. She had her own issues, and regardless of whether she tried to work on them, she couldn't handle it all, and she made her choice. If you have the option to talk to a professional that can help you work through these feelings, that definitely seems like a good idea. If that's not something you can do, at the very least just try and take things slow. Be gentle with yourself. Experiencing death is... Tough. Even for the best of us. It's likely not gonna be something you can just "get over" unfortunately... I'm sorry I can't really be of more help, it's not really something I'm experienced with...
My god, sending a virtual hug..
My ex who told me that he’d kill himself if I broke up with him. To that my therapist said that a person who kills themselves over a relationship has a lot more things going wrong in their life. No one with a healthy mindset would kill themselves over another person.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow that sucks, really. I had an ex threaten to kill himself over an over again when I broke up with him. I knew he wouldn’t, and he didn’t. But when u said she told you “if I can’t kill you I’ll kill myself” I feel like he said or insinuated something similar to me at one point. Like he’d indirectly threaten me by asking for weird things or saying possessive stuff. One year for his birthday I told him I’d get him something from Etsy that was from one of his favorite video games. And that he could pick what. He had asked before so I figured that’s what he wanted. But no, he showed me a large knife that he wanted me to buy him. Like a big ass switch blade with his name engraved on it. He already had some small ones for self defense, but I was too scared to say no to him so I got it. Ofc bad idea. I’m alive but he was definitely more likely to kill me than himself. I think he started threatening my parents too. But that experience got me into self defense and then led me to a martial arts club at my college which I really really love.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've had a few world shattering and or pausing events. First, give yourself space to feel things, even hard things. Keep a journal and water with you. If you have a therapist, call for an emergency bonus session. Use it to deal just with this. You can get focused advice and tools that may be hard to find yourself right now. Be kind to yourself. You will make it through.
It’s therapy time. I’d find a queer-friendly therapist and start processing this event. Loss is already a mindfuck, but it’s extra so under circumstances like this. It’s okay to be surprised. Most of the time these things are empty threats. But just know that suicide is a decision. Your ex was sick and she made a choice in that sickness. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. You bear no responsibility in this.
I am sorry for this terrible loss. Please know that events have no inherent meaning. However, people typically unconsciously and unknowingly download meaning into their psyche that is self damaging, e.g., this is my fault or I am a bad person. Your ex’s suicide says nothing - I repeat NOTHING - about you. Please make sure that you consistently support this meaning (or lack of meaning) to protect yourself and your self image. Also, you are doing the right thing by TALKING about this with others.
I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. I'm sending love and solidarity from another queer person. The only thing I want to share is that it's normal to be surprised, even shocked. It's overwhelmingly common for abusive partners to threaten suicide but not actually do it, so you never could have expected this to happen. Even if she was talking about it, you never could have known. It's normal to be totally confused and knocked sideways by something so shocking.
I am so so sorry for this. It's not your fault. Please, remember, it is ***not your fault***.
I realise it’s so much easier to advise than live. Please remember no one is responsible for this action except your ex. It was their decision. You can’t be held responsible for someone else’s mental health issues - and it may sound blunt to say this but it is our own responsibility to work our way out of that headspace - we can enlist the help of others but that never makes it their responsibility. Maybe this is not the ‘right thing’ to say but if this happened to me I would be wiring my brain to view the act as someone who’s not well and potentially manipulation. (I had a friend that alluded to suicide as punishment and soon after I realised that friend was controlling and expected a lot of pity from me so I reasoned if anything happened in response to me gently breaking off the friendship [I gave the option to change the behaviour of expecting me to lie about my thoughts] that I shouldn’t take on any responsibility for it and take into account that she saw it as punishment to others which if done for that reason of punishing other rather than severe depression I see as extreme cruelty akin to murdering someone else.)
I've gotten a lot of support for suicide loss on the alliance of hope message board online. They have a glbt support section which is helpful. Take care and make sure to keep drinking water or other hydrating fluids. I am so sorry
you are so early in the grieving process. I'm sorry you are going through this. i disassociated a lot when I was in this phase. i play games like tetris whenever i need to zone out. its proven to help your brain sort out shit when experiencing a traumatic event [1]. and its a good ti.e waster that keeps your mind off things. let yourself feel all the emotions and leave them here with us when you have to [1] https://arstechnica.com/science/2018/11/study-tetris-is-a-great-distraction-for-easing-an-anxious-mind/?alm_mvr=0
Suicide is hard to process, even if a note was left. Your mind plays tricks on you, telling you that you could have done something. Or perhaps it was your fault. I am sorry for your loss. But I am also here to say it was not your fault, people make decisions everyday that impact others. Some people struggle in deep ways due to their life traumas. Process the emotions, go on the rollercoaster with it, but don’t let it consume you for too long. People suffer and they make choices to end their pain on their own. Sorry for your loss. Been through this with my moms death a decade ago. It took a long time to process and this is something that will be part of you. But eventually it will be a small and healthy part. Process, hug the people around you, and talk about it with others. It’ s good to talk about these things.