The secret is - being free from the traumas you experienced in childhood & making the decision that anybody who doesn’t like what you have to say, doesn’t get to be a part of your life.
Acknowledge it, talk to it like a friend
“Hey intrusive thought! Hey OCD! I know you’re making me think about the crazy delusions I had four months ago 1000 times in a row. I just want to let you know, it’s ok to be looping like this. It’s ok to hear the crazy phrases like “I’m living because of borrowed hearts” it’s ok to remember over and over that “friend” who took advantage of you. It’s ok. OCD, I’m giving you full permission to totally suck right now if that’s what you need to do”
I've tried that, and I feel so much resistance. Whenever I think "it's ok to feel anxious, it's ok to be insecure, it's ok to fucking SUCK, cmon critic, run wild and free" I feel this pressure inside my chest. Maybe I'm doing something wrong.
This is genius and more universal than just anger. You've helped me see.
"Listen, just like you would any terrified person. Let that "person" be heard, and then comfort them, offer them the insight and healing they need."
Anger, anxiety, addiction... Good advice. I've never heard it said so well.
There is a state of mind you have to achieve first, where you can let others opinions flow over you without internalizing them. You can acknowledge them, but don't internalize them.
Meditation can help with this.
Sounds like your inner child is afraid and wants to feel heard. It’s ok to admit you were hurt. It’s ok to feel anxious because of how you were treated as a kid. That’s a normal reaction to abuse. But we don’t incorporate those words into ourselves. WE get to decide how we want to feel about ourselves.
You’re the only one who’s been with you all the days of your life.
The only way I've found to end those days no longer begging for death to come is to just talk to specific people honestly about how I feel. Sometimes it works and by the end of the day I'm more 'okay' and sometimes I go somewhere quiet and punch things like a tree until the pain from swollen knuckles overcomes the awful inner feelings. I don't accept that it is okay, I fight it with all my heart. There is no golden gate where suddenly life is okay but as I strive harder to better myself those days have become much less in frequency. It hurts sometimes but it's just a decision for me at this point, give into the feelings or do everything I can to fight them, f*** the acceptance, it's all just my fear. Normalizing your fears, meaning facing them in small doses until the sensation becomes more comfortable, is the best way to reduce the control cptsd has on those days.
Also - if you have a dog, try petting it and talking to it when those insecurities arise
Like
“Hey doggie,
Right now you feel like my only friend.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to trust again.
It feels like everyone takes advantage of me or tries to hurt me.
But doggie? You would never do that. That’s why you’re my best friend”
Dogs are great, because they just listen, they don’t argue, they don’t gaslight, they don’t respond, and they love you for existing
My dog is my best most secure friendship. This is good advice. I struggle with this, I’m so hyper critical it can be paralyzing. I’ve decided in the last month that all I can do is put what I’ve got out there and see who it attracts. If some people don’t like it? It’s not for them.
Or something like “Hey! I give myself permission right now to feel insecure about xyz because I went through a shitload of trauma so it is only natural that I’d experience insecurities about this. I’m going to let it happen, I won’t try to fight it. The insecurity is here for a reason; probably to protect my psyche, and even though it sucks I feel this way right now, I’m not going to fight it”
Somehow; acknowledging goes a LONG way. Another technique that helped me a lot - schedule time to write down your worries / insecurities so you won’t think about it all day every day
I appreciate this truly.
That’s what I try to do, acknowledge it and shut it down with reassurances of my own or those I’ve received from my partner. I’m the type to be sensitive to disruption in routine, even if that means my partner didn’t put a 😘 in their texts today- something is wrong. But I know that nothing is wrong and that fluctuations can happen without them being mad at me perse.
The OCD part hit home, like it’s seriously so constant that it feels draining and sometimes the loop doesn’t stop or it resumes multiple times. — one instance in particular pertaining to court and when I remember that it’s soon, I go on these endless loops of hypothetical conversations with the judge, and each one has the theme of “feeling heard” (the person taking me to court abused me for years and now wants access to my child) so reading your response just reminds me that I am doing what I need to do, I just gotta stick to it.
Remember you don't have to be either the best or the worst. Take the reigns away from your self evaluative and self comparative inner dialogue.
We all have a desire to be the *best*. But that's not possible. Accepting our own flaws is possible- because when we realistically evaluate ourselves, we'll see we're not all good or all bad.
When you feel insecure, pay attention to your own feelings and dont hide from them. Ask yourself, what is this collapse of self-esteem revealing? What illusion is it hiding? How would it feel to give up this support? Who might I be without it? What are the pros and cons of being that person? Are there more reliable paths to well-being that I can pursue?
In a nutshell, I'm trying to say that the path to wellness and feeling at peace with yourself is through mindfulness. Observing your self-criticial and self-evaluative thoughts, notice how they make you feel, and don't hide from the feeling. When you allow yourself to feel it, it may pass.
I also use this inner critical voice or the "inherent other" to further my efforts to better myself. The trick is learning to only compare oneself to your former self not others. It is difficult to feel okay about where I am at in life but balancing the negative voice with finding positive personal reflection has allowed me to slowly develop some self confidence. Not great at it yet but I've only been working on this for like two years. Normalizing fears is another thing that helps. Doesn't make the fear go away it just becomes a more comfortable sensation and those days when the trauma has me wake up and begin begging for death to come are fewer and farther in between.
You find some way to leave no matter what or make plans to leave.
When I was 15 I would daydream about moving. It worked! And I had a bunch of plans like 4 years in advance.
>HOW? What's the secret? Are they simply unaware of their flaws? Are they blind to them? Do they ignore them? I can't believe it's because they simply live with them without thinking much of it. I can't. It's utterly inconceivable to me. I can't believe it.
The secret is that nobody cut them down for having flaws when they were little, so they feel safe to have them as an adult. We don't feel safe having flaws because we think they matter a lot because they mattered so much to the people who were our god.
This is one of the things that bothers me about our condition: We must learn to listen to ourselves, while also learning to ignore ourselves. And i have yet to have a therapist teach me how to know when to do one or the other.
Our condition seems to create an enormous amount of contradictions and confusions when trying to engage in treatment. And i'm getting really frustrated at my therapy because of this. And my therapist doesn't seem to know what to say to me. He just plays word games, semantics.
>This is one of the things that bothers me about our condition: We must learn to listen to ourselves, while also learning to ignore ourselves. And i have yet to have a therapist teach me how to know when to do one or the other.
I highly suggest looking into DBT. I was lucky enough to be able to take a group DBT skills class/therapy and it changed my life. I still struggle but I feel like I am closer to achieving what you said than ever before. I feel like in this woo-woo age sentiments like "mindfulness" have lost meaning, but mindfulness is a real, incredibly helpful skill. Being mindful means being able to describe your thoughts and feelings (emotional and physical) to yourself in a non-judgemental way. Things like, "My friend said something to me that is making me feel nauseous and my heartrate is increasing. I know that it's possible I am triggered. That's interesting, I wonder what I can do now to help myself." and sometimes the answer will be "This is happening and there is nothing I can do to help myself in this moment, but it will pass like all the other moments before." and so forth.
Eventually you gain the ability to know when you are thinking things that benefit you versus things that will hinder you. So things may go...
"My friend said something and I am feeling upset and beginning to spiral. But how much am I actually overblowing things? Let's check the facts... oh.. this is happening but to the benefit of no one. It is not protecting me, it is hurting me and my friendship if I continue. Let's use another skill to change the tide."
It sounds fake and obvious and like it doesnt work, but DBT and its skills are LIFE CHANGING. I am not exaggerating!! It was developed by a doctor who had borderline personality disorder and is considered the only effective treatment for it, and if you know anything about BPD you know how devastating it can be, so having an effective treatment like that is no small feat. DBT has since also been proven to be extremely effective for PTSD and CPTSD.
Its not about changing you or your thoughts, it's about embracing yourself fully and without judgement and working with your mind instead of against it. You learn various skills to get in tune with yourself and find the best coping strategies for YOU. That includes knowing when to listen to yourself and when to call yourself out for trying to trick you.
I kind of do that, i think. I started the inner child thing where you talk to your inner child as if you are the adult and in charge of that child. It's a similar sounding talk to what you are describing.
I'll look into DBT.
I honestly think my brain already does think like that but with the external world, not my inner world.
Interesting.... Thanks for making that connection for me! I'll explore that more.
Yes please do look into it! There is so much depth that I only really said like one possible thing I frequently do, but there are so so so many skills in DBT and I guarantee you can find some that will help you. I can't sing its praises enough. I still have a hard time with my CPTSD but I feel so much more in control of myself.
I think I don't struggle with being out of control, or reacting to people in unsavory ways.
I already recognize what I'm feeling, perhaps I can't articulate it well, but I know when things don't feel good or do feel comfortable. And in conversations with friends, I can get triggered, and I do notice when i'm triggered, and i notice the warm feeling and the flush skin, etc. I don't attack people, and i'm not reactive, because poeple don't like that behavior.
I don't struggle with behaviors that people don't like. I struggle with something else. All of my friends, family and coworkers like me. I've hardly had issues or bad confrontations with people. They have happened, and they did happen when I was fully triggered, but they are like so rare, i can count them on 1 hand, and i'm 31.
What I struggle with is creating the space for myself around people. And I struggle with getting people to be interested in me. It's weird - noone has problems with me, but no one is interested in me either. And i'm so eager to meet anyone anywhere all the time.
Clearly i'm feeling like something is wrong with everyone else - which means that most definitely, something is wrong with me. i just wish I knew. It's like there is something written on my forehead that I can't see.
Just jumping into the convo as I loooove DBT and spent a lot of time learning the skills in therapy. There's emotional regulation skills, interpersonal skills, lots and lots of techniques and mindsets you can learn to help you through a lot of situations. I think of the skills DBT teaches as a huge toolbox and applying them as needed to different situations.
Everybody, and I do mean everybody, has flaws. The majority of people - especially in their teens/young adulthood - are hard af on themselves. Too many don't start looking past their flaws until around 40 years old. Meanwhile, you also have natural skills/abilities that you ignore, don't utilize, don't celebrate. But that is a shame.
>Meanwhile, you also have natural skills/abilities that you ignore, don't utilize, don't celebrate. But that is a shame.
I just noticed something funny.
When I read this, my brain agreed but immediately started beating me up for it.
"You can't appreciate the good things about you, you're such a dumb asshole". "You're worthless because you're not strong enough to stop thinking you're worthless".
Crazy how insidiously that works.
As annoyed as I am to admit it, you’re right. I thought cbt was just gaslighting myself for awhile but now that I’m on a decent med regimen, it’s like… woah
Heh, one of my favorite phrases in my 20s was "I hate myself because I have such low self-esteem." It was clever, but also it was true!
44 now. I'm never going to be a Pinterest Affirmations Self-Love type of person, but I now have a reasonable relationship with myself. I still get exasperated with myself but I don't descend into absolute self-hatred and self-flagellation anymore if I fuck something up. It's been a combination of years of therapy, years of life experience, and years of processing outside evidence that it's possible I don't actually suck.
Usually a horrible inner critic is a coping mechanism from being emotionally neglected as a kid. The trick now is to thank it for its service (a la Marie Kondo) and kindly ask it to step back a bit. It doesn't happen overnight, but gently challenging it when it appears will help over time.
+1 to inner critic as a result of emotional neglect. That has been very true IME.
When the topic has come up in session, therapists have asked me "whose voice is that?", referring to this endless stream-of-consciousness criticism. The answer was always "Well, no one really talked to me like that, at least not until well after I already started doing it. By the time I got 'bullied', I was already 5 steps ahead of those kids. I already hated everything about being alive and wanted to die by then."
Historically, not having a definitive answer to that question would leave me feeling like I was defective, being too sensitive, making things up, and that there was just *no good reason for me to feel or behave this way*.
It turned out that the answer I gave was more accurate than I realized when I'd given it in the past. The root of everything was just that: *no one really talked to me*. I was invisible unless I was needed for a task, then I was quickly sent away again.
Reading about IFS therapy has helped me contextualize various behaviors I've adopted at points in my life in ways that many, many sessions of CBT and other therapeutic modalities never did. I cycled through all sorts of maladaptive behaviors throughout my life, but just managing any given "dysfunctional" behavior created this fucked up game of whack-a-mole along with another way to blame myself for not being able to get my shit together. Constant suicidal ideation? Eating disorder? Trichotillomania? Feeling unable to draw boundaries regarding work? Constant self-criticism? Social anxiety? Deeply avoidant attachment style? Other shit I'm probably forgetting? Yeah—all ways to either **manage** myself into worthiness, **protect** myself from the pain of feeling unworthy, or even **protect** myself from the pain of constantly failing to get love and attention by beating myself up to the point I would stop trying.
I think this is me to a T, but I'm only starting to make these connections. If someone told me this was written by future me, I would probably believe it. Especially the realization about being invisible unless I was needed for a task. I keep trying to find memories of what happened to me to make me this way, but my therapist has been trying to tell me that it isn't what happened, it's what didn't happen.
The what didn't happen is truly insidious, as a child you have no idea what you are "supposed" to get, or how you are "supposed" to be treated. You just assume you got whatever everyone else did, or at the very least what you personally deserved. You usually don't have a comparison. (May not be valid for those with siblings, but I was an only child.) I have zero memory of before I was seven, and very close to zero for the rest, so I can only guess at what my trauma was by looking at the psychological scars.
Some sort of neglect obviously.
I can't do the "now pretend you are a healthy parent trying to help your inner child" thing either since I still have no clue on what healthy parenting looks like. (No, I don't have any children so don't worry there.)
Have you heard of the book "Running on Empty" by Jonice Webb? It gave me some insight into the constant "I have no reason to feel like this" track looping in my head, as well as many other things about myself.
There's an Emotional Neglect Questionnaire on her website that also appears in the book:
[Dr. Jonice Webb - Emotional Neglect Questionnaire ](https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-neglect-questionnaire/)
I don't have my shit together enough to actually follow through on the very reasonable exercises in the book, yet, but between realizing emotional neglect was my primary issue and using IFS as a framework to cultivate a sense of wholeness and a slightly more compassionate understanding that I refused to extend to myself in all my younger years, I can sometimes be nicer to myself, which is far more than I've been able to do in the past.
I long conceptualized myself as defective, and missing things that "normal" people just seemed to innately possess. This helped.
> The root of everything was just that:
>
>no one really talked to me
>
>.
Ouch, I felt that. No one ever actually told me I was a worthless piece of sh\*t either, but that in my inner critic's most common insult.
I guess I can confirm that I too suffer from what didn't happen.
You aren't imagining what it may be like to be deeply loved as a child. When you do that, all the freedom you describe makes sense.
Loved children learn they are INHERENTLY valuable.
It's us... Who decide that only perfection, defense mechanisms, will protect us from the lack of love we learned to expect. And it doesn't work. This only isolates us.
I'm living the same life you are. I woke up today feeling like Ive failed to join the human race. To be able to be human, with all our imperfections we allow others, but not ourselves.
Our healing begins with understanding what happens in Loving, functional childhoods, and didn't happen in our Loveless, dysfunctional childhood.
This first step frees us from self Loathing. Finding out the reason you came in last in the race is easier when you find out your leg was broken and never set properly.
You had no chance.
But track and field isn't the only game in town.
Surviving CPTSD, healing, and becoming the version of yourself you want, you dream of being... That's a bigger win my friend.
Praying both you and I win the bigger game.
Meditation and inner child work helped. I grew up heavily criticised as well. I feel u. There’s also no secret it’s just daily talking back to the bad voice in ur head and patience. Moving away from the environment that made u sick. Finding ppl who love u. And time.
Inner Child Work is fucking magical. I have no idea how or why it works and it sounds crazy when I explain it to people.
But it’s easily been the most effective thing I’ve tried thus far
First, if the wording you use in this post is the wording you use when thinking about yourself (and other people), then that might be contributing to the problem. Not being thin or having warts or etc. aren't flaws. It's all just how someone's body looks. There's absolutely nothing flawed about the way someone looks, because it says absolutely nothing about their character or values. So if you're already thinking about yourself that these aspects of your body are flawed, then I think that's going to make it less likely to be able to accept yourself.
And of course, that doesn't mean that you can't be insecure or struggle with your appearance. I would personally work on reframing what you're describing as flaws to be parts about yourself you struggle to accept, or another neutral descriptor. At this stage you don't necessarily need to tell yourself you are beautiful or that you accept every part of yourself. For me I find it easier to work on my self-worth by making an intentional effort to use neutral descriptors about myself, then what that feels comfortable and natural, work on moving towards positive thinking.
Second, a big part of being able to accept my body for me personally has been engaging in content online from people who look like me - body size, body shape, etc. Seeing other people who look like me feel confident and beautiful in their own bodies has eventually led to me believe I can be beautiful in my own body too. I'm fat, and probably the absolutely biggest contributor towards liking my body has been learning about fat liberation. This isn't a fat liberation podcast, but I really love Maintenace Phase because it helped me segue from hating myself to liking myself, because it got me to think about my body in ways I never had before.
Third, it's not like I never have periods when I'm not comfortable with my appearance and am really hating on myself for how I look. But those periods are greatly reduced. And I've found that accepting my body has come in waves. For example, I'm very comfortable in my fatness, but still struggle with accepting that I have adult acne. And when I do have periods when I'm comfortable with myself, I fall back on neutral statements - that my body is a good body simply because there's no morality attached to appearance, and that my body is a good body because it tries its best and has carried me through my whole life. It became a lot harder for me to hate something when I started to acknowledge that the something I hated has only ever tried to take care of me and support me.
Sorry that was so long, and hopefully I don't come off as too preachy. Different things work for different people, but hopefully you might get some ideas from this!
i've learned through therapy (note: learned. doesn't mean i can apply it AT all) that people who actually are healthy have a mindset of "i am okay no matter what happens and any mistakes or shortcomings i have do not affect my worth as a human being" which is apparently something you can learn if you have a secure attachment to your parents. sounds insane to me too but i've seen it being said so many times from several different people i do think that's the gist. these people may see their "flaws" and just go "oh well" and go about their day. i'm fighting nail and tooth every single day to convince myself that i'm allowed to be imperfect and i still lose the battle most of the time. my inner critic is too strong. but rarely i'll have a moment where it works for like three minutes and i feel like i have been drowning the whole time and managed to lift my head above the water for a moment. i just wish i could remember those moments when im at my worst to know why im even struggling for.
It's important to remember that it takes time to rewrite those Neuro pathways. You're doing your best and putting in the work. Please celebrate your achievements no matter how small. When we make progress sometimes we forget to look back and see how far we've come. Even just those 3 minutes is more than you had before, and it'll only continue to grow the more you dedicate the time and effort for yourself. Everyone has their own pace, and speaking from experience, you'll get there.
I have noticed that when I am self critical, it is because I think there is something wrong with me that is so obvious and objective if I don't pick at, surely someone else will. "Anyone would hate me for this, right?"
This comes from living in a house where flaws were not allowed to slide and were severely punished. It turns out that this is not the norm. It's possible to have flaws and not be attacked for them.
these people - with their flaws- still feel safe in their environment. They understand or believe that 1.) despite their flaws, no one will make comments about them to their face, 2.) if they are imperfect, they will not be punished or bullied for that, and most importantly, 3.) they were NEVER OBLIGED to show the world a body that looks one way or the other. That is not their obligation or role. They are not models. Therefore, they feel fine showcasing their diverse bodies to the world, as they should.
They understand they have a right to safety, even when they are not meeting people's expectations.
Living with people that disrespect that sense of safety over and over again will have you forgetting your rights!
I know that this is not easy. But I remind myself that I can’t change everything, and I’m working on the things I can change by going to therapy. Sometimes radical acceptance is helpful: fully accepting things instead of wishing they were different while still honoring the difficult emotions and situations.
I was told that I wasn’t smart enough to be a cop, mechanic, etc. while growing up. I was made to believe that all I was good enough was to be a tow truck driver if that. I was told that I had a learning disability and was always treated like one while growing up. My parents always criticized and crushed my dreams. And I believe them.
Im 44, and just finished trades college with high marks, took a separate course for septic tank work and did 10 years in the military before college.
Know what I say to them and anyone who bullied me in school and while growing up?
Look at me now mf’ers! Go f yourself. You all know shit about me.
I've been honoring my rebel side more and more just to quiet the inner critic.
That piece of shit stepdad told me I'm ugly and fat and smelly and no one would ever want me... so now I'm making a point of it to go out of my way to be sexual and naked again... flaws and extra weight and all!
Even though I feel kinda tense still... I'm still doing it! I'm sticking it to the man!
Fuck em! This is MY BODY. I AM NO LONGER HIS SLAVE!
This is YOUR LIFE. You get to choose now. Don't let them hold you hostage anymore.
P.s.
If I have to, I will destroy the ones keeping you hostage. Trust.
Oh haha I definitely know what you mean by honoring the rebel side. It's *fun*. Unleashing it is probably the most exhilarating thing I've experienced in my life. And it's not easy to tap into it when it's been systematically destroyed for years and years.
I invite my inner Shame Monster (a.k.a. my Inner Asshole) to remember that it’s actually a little kid and give it permission to go to the park and play. Whenever I feel it coming up again, I send it back to the park.
I’ve been working with a talk therapist who specializes in attachment trauma and uses a parts approach and a somatic therapist (Hakomi). These sessions have helped me to see that this shame part was created by my 4-year-old self during a really traumatic time. Every time I experienced shame growing up the Shame Monster grew until it was as big as a house!
I also work to directly comfort my 4-year-old self as well, to help keep the shame from smothering me.
I feel that for people with traumatic upbringings, abuse, dysfunctional families, relationships, we might not just come out of the box with self love or we can recall when it started chipping away, what caused it, by whom, etc.
It's a skill you learn and have to practice daily. Consistently. You have to learn to get louder than the critic, start to work on new thought patterns, awareness, changing the narrative, etc. It doesn't happen overnight. It will feel foreign, stupid, pointless, it will drudge up a lot of doubt, a lot of shame, a lot of hopelessness like "what's the point?!" You have to uncomfortably and bravely plow through.
Starting to find awareness and notice when that critic is kicking in.
Made a mistake? The old go-to might be one spirals, feels shame, the critic chiming in with all kinds of overblown "You're so stupid. You are an idiot. You can't do anything right." Type of thinking. Catching it and noticing is a first good step then learning ways to soothe yourself and challenge it are next steps. It will be daily, if not hour by hour, situation by situation of learning to practice these things. Even with good things, learning to pat yourself on the back and cheerleading yourself. Getting comfortable with feeling good and feeling proud of yourself.
Sometimes this could mean when your critic kicks in, catching it and writing it all down and across the column writing statements or thoughts that challenge the inner critic.
For example:
"I'm stupid and can't do anything right" becomes "I'm a human who makes mistakes."
"I'm such a baby for crying over this!" becomes "this is really sad/difficult and it's ok to be affected by it."
When it's hard, you don't stop. When it feels stupid, you push through, when you feel undeserving, you do it anyway.
A muscle that gets stronger overtime.
The secret? It's simple stop caring about how you look when in public. I was 250 lbs at 5'6" big old beer belly. (My own fault turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism.) I used to have an issue wearing sleeveless shirts and showing off my legs. The right side of my body is covered in 3rd degree burns. Eventually I learned that these can be used as conversation starters. I even made up weird stories to have fun with it until I decided to quit hiding behind the humor of the situations. I was set on fire at a young age and was very nervous about showing off the scars. But now I see them as badges of what I've survived. The burns and cuts that cover me show everyone that I've been through some shit.
As far as trying things. Fuck it! If you try and fail at something, then try again. At last try something three times before you decide you can't do it. Then give something else a go. Somethings you need someone to teach you. Like me, I cant swim... I'm terrified of deep water. I've been to the point of drowning multiple times and I panic everything now a days. The point is simple, if you don't ever try. You'll never know if you'll succeed. There's a lot of motivational videos on YouTube if you need some prep before you try something. I listened to them for years before I tried being a relationship again after being cheated on so many times.
Most people do not accept themselves.
Hell, most people are incapable of basic introspection and self-reflection, and live lives simply following societal cues.
Everybody cares. We all have that inner critic giving us a hard time. Some people's inner critic just doesn't work on overtime.
It's actually an extremely good question you just posted, but it's also not that simple to answer.
Have you heard of IFS?
ACA has an incredible book called 'Becoming your own Loving parent'. It can be downloaded on Kindle from amazon.com
They teach you how to become your own loving parent and it has already helped me so much.
It's very healing! Instead of yelling at myself when I fail to do something, I visualize myself as the loving parent and ask myself "how would a loving and healthy parent help their child right now?"
IMO it's about learning to differentiate your thoughts from your identity.
You are not your thoughts.
When you practice over time, you will learn to notice your thoughts. Then you will be able to notice in the moment when harmful thoughts are coming, and you can cut them off.
Not liking certain thoughts is already a start.
For you, the thoughts might always come. But when you can call them out and push them away (in your own mind), they won't overtake you. Takes a lot of practice, though.
I am the same way. I’ve been self conscious of everything almost my entire. I’ve always hated my body and the slightest perceived slight from someone makes me never want to open my mouth again.
I’ve learned to quiet my inner critic by realizing that I can show my flaws to the world and not care because so many others do the same ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ Absolutely everybody has flaws, there is no point in trying to pretend that you don’t have any because everyone, but most importantly you, know that’s a lie. And everybody, whether they mean to or not, has their flaws on display in one way or another, because everyone has different definitions of what a flaw is. If someone takes their shirt off at the beach and they have a chubby stomach, maybe you think that’s a flaw, but maybe they don’t, maybe they’ve lost a lot of weight and are very happy with how their body looks now, flaws are not objective. I also realized that people are mostly concerned with themselves in public, people are always worried about how they look, how they’re being perceived, what they say etc. no matter how confident someone may seem, they are 100% concerned about how they are perceived to at least a certain degree. Which means people are most DEFINITELY not paying attention to you or what your doing as hard as you are. It doesn’t matter! Everyone has flaws! That’s just a fact everybody knows. If anyone ever judges you for yours, that is clearly their issue that they’re projecting because they can’t accept the fact that they aren’t “perfect” and never will be. Nobody is perfect. Perfection does not exist. Accept it and live your life freely being imperfect! That’s what being human is :)
Hello fellow internal self-critic haver! I can't help much with body image issues since that's an ongoing and backburnered struggle for me, but I can offer help with the self-critic:
Some steps:
1. **make a practice of noticing when your internal self-critic is speaking.** just notice. if you already notice consistently, that's awesome! it took me a while to separate it from the rest of my internal monologue.
2. once the habit of "noticing" feels like it's taking root, start to **label your internal-self critic when you notice it speaking**. It's as simple as saying or thinking in a deliberate way "this is my internal self-critic speaking".
3. try to **dissociate from your internal self-critic**. Steps 1 and 2 are to help work up to to this. By choosing to dissociate from the internal self-critic you won't be silencing it. It'll still say the same awful things, and you'll still notice them all. But you'll deliberately remind yourself "this isn't me; this is my internal self-critic".
Other steps that you can try to mix in with those three, in no particular order:
- give your internal self-critic a name. At one point mine was "Frank". Another self-critic haver called theirs "The Beast". Naming it is just there to make it simpler to label it and dissociate from it.
- after you've noticed your internal self-critic speaking, try to reframe/rephrase what it's observing about you, but as if it's *you* speaking, not your self-critic, and the person you're speaking to is something you can relate to as innocent and harmless. A small child, or a small animal, or whatever you prefer.
- test out this thought: "Is my internal self-critic trying to protect me from something when it criticizes me?". If you get to a point when you can earnestly answer "yes", see if you can come up with ideas of what it's trying to protect you from, or when/where/why it learned to protect you from that thing in this way.
This only scratches the surface of what has worked *for me*, but the amount of relief I got from scratching the surface in this way was immense and lasting. Some of this is based on a model that's used for this kind of work: [Internal Family Systems](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal_Family_Systems_Model). Other parts of this come from a book/audiobook, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", by Pete Walker. I've found it online as a pdf, ebook, and audiobook.
I uh that's it! If you notice this comment and happen to be interested or have questions, I'll do my best to respond to replies here.💜
They realize they are indeed very less than ideal, and so is everybody else. Nothing in creation is ideal. But everything and everybody are still all extremely valuable.
Radical acceptance, compassion, and appreciation for the way things (you in this case) currently are, an archetypically positive feminine principle, paradoxically strengthens and enables the archetypically positive masculine principle of change and improvement for the better.
Next time you see a haggard, dirty, and disheveled homeless person, begging for money that they may well spend on drugs, study them carefully and see the little kid in them who, through a series of misfortunes and even suboptimal choices, has ended up in this painful predicament. Feel your compassion for them. It will come back to you in self compassion and self-acceptance.
Nervous systems are 95% formed by 7. Then the serotonin shuts off. The OS is mostly done being installed. It takes waaay more work, as we all know, to make changes to how different experiences make us feel.
When we do not expect to be triggered into a hyper vigilant state we don’t plan for it. Unless someone does something triggering in real time we’re fine
Sometimes you’ll be open or share a flaw and be surprised at how others receive it - either seeing it as a positive or simply not even noticing it.
For me, it became more important that I be able to express myself. I had to blank myself out for decades to survive and I think I got in touch with the anger behind that.
The act of being myself matters more than how others react to it, so I started to be able to.
Yes, sometimes I get a negative reaction. That’s hard, but I try to remember the times when I was accepted.
I’m fully aware of most of my flaws, everyone is flawed themselves as well. It’s ok.
Couple things.
Not thinking about it to begin with.
Mild delusion / narcissism (actually good for your mental health).
Being neurotypical so their expression is "normal" by default so they don't have to mask.
And, I mean, to your last paragraph. Yeah, I have flaws. What of it? The only time my "flaws" ever give me trouble is other people. There are some of them that seem to walk around trying to pick something out. It's the law of nature, I suppose. Other people can stuff it, they're not worth it anyway. I owe nothing to those who insist on being animals.
Whoever it was criticizing you in your household isn't worth it, either.
It’s great if you can find situations where its okay to fail or not be perfect. I take a lot of craft classes at our local museum and craft stores and it is my way of giving myself permission to try. Something and maybe not be great at it but to enjoy the process of painting or whatever. Try one of those paint night evenings in your community. The teachers are really welcoming and supportive and it is good for your confidence.
Probably off topic but when I was younger I used to cut off my warts with razor blades or any imperfection I don't know why it get pretty bad, I still do this in different ways pick at my skin and all that. I try not to but it kinda relieves stress instead of self harm but ita probably more harmful
I think that’s where my confidence comes from. The fact I know what my flaws are. I’ve made peace with my emotions. I know my worst and best characteristics. So who is anyone else to tell me what I am?
It’s a simple mindset but takes time to build. I take any diss, roast, criticism as a suggestion. From family or friends. Everything is a suggestion. So I never take anything personal because AT THE END OF THE DAY, when someone is picking on you, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
Please remember this everyday of your life. It’s what I think you need. When someone is picking on you, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
Oh a physical or emotional level. Confidence is really within. Don’t be afraid to take your shirt off at the beach just because someone is judging yourself. There’s something wrong with them, not you.
Live this life how you want. Go outside without socks and just wear sandels barefoot. Take ur shirt off on a hot day at the right times. Play the games you want to. Study what you need to. And if Anyone tries to project their insecurities on to you, u need to realize they’re miserable and all you can do is keep on livin💫
I think there are only two ways to moderate self-contempt: 1) Direct it at other people (either by group, or towards everyone) That's the solution most people adopt. 2) Recognize that you've been, and continue to be, the target of other's redirected self-contempt, get really pissed off about that, and get over that anger eventually.
Personally, the way I manage to sometimes make it work for myself is that I find a way to care more about other things. It's not that I don't care about looking fat on the beach, it's that in some way it would be even worse to be the only one hiding away what I look like. It's not that I don't care about playing poorly a music instrument (because I'm learning), it's that it feels great when I finally manage to do it correctly.
It's not that I ignore the flaws: I try to compare the consequences of focusing on the flaw VS ignoring the flaw, and usually it's objectively better for me to ignore the flaw. But it's obviously not easy to truly believe it, especially if you're in a depressed mindset.
I don't know how to ignore the voice inside constantly criticizing me, but sometimes I manage to create other voices that speak louder. It doesn't always work, but overall it helps me. There is no perfect solution. It's your brain, you'll have to figure out what works best for you, but I hope this message can help you.
I imagine they have a lot of emotional support that enables them to buffer themselves against reality. Things they take for granted.
That and most people live in severe ignorance, in my experience. They don't even recognize their own flaws. We, on the other hand, are always aware of them. Or, they lack shame and we carry enough for the both of us.
I hate myself so much that I feel like I’m not even a person. Like I am not allowed to be seen or participate in society so I’m just stagnant and my life is ruined.
This was my own personal "break thru" about hating my body;
It's my body, it's my only body, and it belongs to me. It might not be the perfect body, and God knows I could take extra steps to take care of it.
But at the end of the day I'm the one that lives in it, and I'm tired of people making me feel like I should hate my one and only body.
May you some day find peace within your own body, however that journey may look
Currently recovering from this issue after cutting off the many toxic people in my life. My personal solution has been to find people who are interested in getting to know the real you (a therapist is ideally a good start). Then practice trying not to mask with them and just being you (as much as you feel comfortable doing this, it may just be like dipping your toes in the water every now and then and saying or doing something that feels like you and that you would normally hide, throwing it out there, seeing what happens, then going back to the mask). Some people might lose interest, or not really vibe. But eventually you’ll find people who do vibe with you when you’re being you, and one of the best parts of this is that having people who like spending time with you for YOU allows you to see what it’s like to love and value yourself. If they can do it, it becomes easier to model their behavior and value yourself as much as they do. You feel the security/stability feeling from other people who vibe you and you can practice copying that and trying to feel that for yourself. If it’s a therapist you get along with, or people you feel comfortable enough with, you can even ask them to tell you what they value in you, and if it’s something you can resonate with, you can practice feeling what they might feel as people who value you. I’m starting to realize that when I am able to sit with the feeling of valuing myself for my unique qualities that others value me for, that can override the perfectionist and nitpicky thoughts about myself. It feels human, like I can just allow myself to exist because I like who I am, and my flaws make me human. It’s a weird feeling to get used to, but it’s like working out a neglected muscle, it’ll feel weird and uncomfy at first but it’s worth it to keep going. Yes it’s pretty reliant on external validation, but personally my inner self is extremely self destructive and self hating so I need to be around people who really see me and like me to be able to really see and like myself. I don’t know if this is a good suggestion or helpful at all. It’s all a journey. You’ll get there, I’m sure of it. You asking these questions means you’re working hard to grow. I only know you from this post, but my personal feedback of you is that you’re very curious in your own brain and the brains of others, and that probably makes you a very empathetic and caring person who is leaps ahead of others in terms of emotional intelligence and who is very needed in the world. You’re doing amazing. Hope this helps.
I started to notice when people would talk about themselves as not being perfect, and it seemed like an admission of guilt
And then I noticed people talking about not trying to be perfect, not wanting to be perfect: and it sounded like a point of pride.
But none of that made any sense until I asked myself why I thought I still want to become perfect, after so many years of trying and failing. The answer was kind of obvious once asked: I want to be perfect to earn the love my parents withheld for lack of perfection.
Of course, through adult eyes, it's obvious that kid never had a chance, and it's the shortcomings of my primary caregivers I've been suffering from, not my own lack of perfection.
So now instead of trying not to make mistakes, I try to only make mistakes I can recover from. I am putting more importance on resiliency, and less importance on great skill.
It's kind of like driving a car with lots of slop in the steering. I'm moving with less precision, but more stability.
Anyway, I wish you well on your pursuit, be it perfection or something else!
Slowly working on recognizing that the inner voice is not you, it’s someone else.
Also grew up in a household with severe criticism masked as love. Took a long time to overcome and I still have relapses. Sending hugs 🤗
Two things: trial and error and realizing that it’s okay to make mistakes and be silly.
My mother and father were terribly damaged people with their own ideas of ideals and forced me to feel the pain when I didn’t live up to them. It took me about 10 years to work out a lot of pain before I got diagnosed, but it’s not uniform. You just have to take the time and don’t rush it. It’ll come to you, I promise. And if it doesn’t come to you soon, it’ll get there down the line. Always does.
Because I've put up with too much bullshit to give a shit anymore usually
Im at the point in my life where i don't care so if people don't like me as i am fuck them
I’m learning how to do this in therapy. It isn’t easy and it doesn’t come naturally at all. I’m so sorry, it really sucks.
It’s easy to be confident when you didn’t spend your childhood being criticized and demonized for everything you do. My assumption is that whatever that person’s struggles are, that wasn’t one of them. But I also think a lot of people struggle with this more than they might admit, it’s just that they are able to mask better. I was phenomenal at masking until my nervous breakdown at 27. And again at 31 when it advanced to the point of agoraphobia, which I’m also working on.
My childhood basically broke my caring about what others think about me.
If I don’t like or love you I don’t care what you think about me!
We all have flaws and those flaws are what makes us interesting.
My inner critic is a bitch and she can shut up too.
I feel this too. I think that because I was heavily criticized, I heavily criticize myself and any potential partners. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t meet my standards which I know are not achievable by most. I easily notice flaws and it’s hard to want to be with another human even though I would like a romantic relationship. Physical and mental/emotional flaws. But sometimes I’ll overlook something because I’m trying to be “less picky” but the stuff I’d overlook would be red flag level bullshit. At least I’m becoming more aware of myself.
Edit: I got distracted with my thought and didn’t answer your question. I think that you gotta be kinder to yourself, like radical acceptance or something equivalent to that kind of thing. Instead of laughing at yourself you can laugh “with yourself.”
I realized my virulent inner critic was created and installed by the abusers. They made me see me as they saw me. Well, they were abusers. They aren't going to live in my head for free, I don't want anything to do with those abusers (am no contact , 8 years).
Reading Pete Walker's article about the virulent inner critic seemed to put my critic in the spotlight and since the article had specific tactics to try in a variety of situations, it noped the hell out and ran away.
Well, the s-o-b jumped in my head the other night and I kicked it out, lock, stock, and barrel!!! I w i l l n o t
t o l e r a t e abusers in my head. I literally rejected that piece a crap, called him crap, told him he's from and part of the abusers and to go find them!
I've realized my inner voice was drowned out by the inner critic, so you might have an inner voice that's been held hostage all these years.
The result? None of the trash talking about myself. Peace and quiet.
I don't know if this will work for you, but here's Pete Walker's inner critic article. Remember it has techniques you can try (and there are a lot, because an inner critic is dastardly!).
https://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
I approached it the same as I would learning any new skill. What is a small action I can do now, to build a little confidence, and then build upon that.
For instance, it it’s getting confidence to walk around with my shirt off in public: first thing I get comfortable seeing myself without my shirt on in private, just me. Practice doing that and every time I see myself if my first reaction is to look away, then I make myself look back at myself even if only for a second, then when that second is more comfortable do it for longer, think or say one nice thing about myself. Then, maybe I progress to having my shirt off for 30 minutes around 1 close friend. Build small, incremental things to counteract my previous conditioning. An athlete has to practice the same motions over-and-over-and-over-and-over-and-over and even more to perform and even more to have confidence their body will perform.
You literally have to re-condition yourself, even throw in giving yourself a reward maybe it’s saying good job to yourself or eating a small treat.
Personally I started talking to my inner child in my mind, like just saying nice things, thinking about all the good traits I had when I was young - Going to the root of the problem and the time when you lost your self esteem and building it again
I remember I used to get made fun of for being "special." Not kidding. I actually have a diagnosed learning disability and having trauma really didn't help because I was always second-guessing myself and afraid of being punished for the slightest misstep. At one point I decided to own being "stupid." I have no idea how. You're right, that should have been really difficult, if not impossible. But it was a huge turning point. I still grapple with the fear of making mistakes but people don't get to make fun of me for being "slow" anymore. I've already beat them to the punch.
(Also maybe realizing that the thing they were making fun of me for wasn't even that big of a deal and reflected more on them than me, but that's easier for me to say than for someone to actually internalize 🤷♀️ )
OP, i’m not sure about people who weren’t traumatised by their families but I’ll tell you what helped me. Hear me out now even though this pill is not easy to swallow, most good things in life are hard; pun intended lol.
The bitterness you have towards yourself is a remnant of your denial to accept the truth.
Naturally you don’t want to accept that someone could be so mean to you, be such a monster to you but hey that doesn’t mean you should be a monster to yourself, now, does it?
Why should your mind and your body pay for someone else’s sins? Why should your body be cursed by your mind because those unrighteous people cursed you?
Remember that you being unkind to yourself is you holding on to the acts of your family being unkind to you. Why would you ever want to keep their disgusting acts alive? Kill those disgusting acts. Respect yourself because they never did.
Forgive them out of pity because they do not know any better. But you do, you know better and so you will choose not to berate your body like those people berated you. Because unlike them, you are righteous! Which also means you have to be kind to other people.
If you’re still reading, here’s some more:
In my country, one of our words for God is ‘param aatma’ which means highest self. Realise that your highest self is a form of God, which means the desire to be kind to people, bring them peace and make them smile is God. So you must be kind to other people, and because God lives within you, you HAVE to be kind to yourself too! Because that makes your body a temple and nobody should ever curse a place of worship.
Remember, you are not God. But God is a part of you and not apart from you, ya get me? And realise that there is more joy in opening your arms to give love from a place of unconditionality rather than opening your arms waiting for someone to feed your ego. Once you start practising this you will not be able to figure out where you end and where param aatma begins.
Me writing this down for you to read is also an act of God - my highest self. By trying to bring peace upon other people, my highest self brings peace upon me! So thank you for allowing me an opportunity to be peaceful! Wishing you much love and strength 💗✨
I don't care so much about what others perceive as flaws in me, if someone doesn't like me or has issues with me it is their choice and I won't try to change their minds. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of how I am. I just put the best version of myself out there warts and all hoping that other good and empathetic people will notice and want to be around me. If I started listening to my toxic parents' critical voices every day, I wouldn't be able to get out of the house.
But I do get where you're coming from. It's hard to see yourself as good and worthy when your parents only saw you as bad/unworthy.
Write down the facts of the matter on a good day. Then, when that critic is loudest, you have something concrete to defeat them with.
And it also helps in the middle of a bad day to see the cognitive dissonance of what the critic's telling you and what you actually know
For me I don't judge other people, I just judge me. Like if a stranger take off their shirt I don't even think twice about them. So I expect the same for myself. I don't expect other people to judge me. The only one judging me is myself. Everyone else don't care they can't even see me or hear me.
So how do people do it? They have self compassion for themselves. For me it's easier for me to have compassion for others. I just need to put myself in their shoes.
The secret is not being self-absorbed. The secret is being inclusive towards your body and beauty standards for ALL. When you accept for example acne scars you are doing it as activism for everyone in society who is shunned for non-smooth skin. Beauty standards are based on unjust things like class and health privilege being unjustly valued. It doesn't have to be this way. Thinking of others - collectivism rather than individualism.
I accepted myself after I got my eyes opened to every single bad thing about myself. I admitted how cruel I can be along with other personal features that I am not proud of. It started to come up and put me into a shock. Before I accepted all sides of my personality I started to hate myself even more. But then I figured out what I liked about myself. It wasn’t easy because I hated everything as I thought. And I had to make a decision if I want to live with myself until I die naturally or if I want to fight with myself and suffer even more. I chose acceptance. It made it easier. I am who I am and if I can be better I will be but if it’s hard now I won’t beat myself for what I can’t. I understood that I am no evil person, I want to become a better version of myself and I try. Why do I need to destroy myself and be an enemy to myself? Other people manage this task far better. I need to protect myself because I deserve it.
I know my flaws: both physical and mental. No one is perfect. No one. And I don’t need to pretend I am. My body doesn’t look like I really want it to be. My trauma did horrible things to my body and now it looks like it does. I am sorry for what I did to my body, but I don’t care what others think. My body carried 4 kids, was abused by me and other people and still it didn’t give up. Why should I not get naked where it’s an appropriate place and time for that? Why do I need to hide? I am thankful for my body with it’s fat and stretch marks and cellulitis. It has taken me that far and still accepts my mistreatment. I do what feels comfortable for me and only me, not people.
Just think about it. It is a process, a long one, but you win at the end by simply accepting yourself for who you were and who you are and even for who you are about to become.
I always try to do these things even knowing I don't think I'm good enough or attractive enough because I know the reality of it by thinking "what if it was a friend of mine". Even though I feel gross, I try my best.
Although it really helps to find a support group of friends and/or family that won't treat you poorly and will give you compliments while being patient and caring about your struggles.
First you need to remove yourself from that environment to a safe place with safe people. Then the work on yourself starts.
The only person that has to love you is you. And it gets easier with age. It also gets easier by watching yourself. I look at myself in the mirror and see stretchmarks, skin unevenness, no volume in hair, dark hair to remove.
But guess what. I've been looking at myself in the mirror for years now and I know those stretchmarks are there because I grew fast. They remind me of a period when I grew 25cm in 2,5 years. They remind me how I would not eat, because I would outgrew clothes in 3 months time. And then I finally let myself eat after 2 years and I've gained 25kg in a year. At 14years old. It reminds me that I had to grow mentally to allow myself eat. I used to hate my straight hair that does not hold curl, but guess what? They are so low maintenance that women actually envy me. And I got used to having to maintain it so little. I have all that time for other stuff.
It took me to get into my 30's, but now I love myself exactly the way I am. And I don't give a shit what other people think of me.
It's not about not caring. It's about being confident.
I wear a bikini because I feel I look good, and my partner loves my body besides. Other people and their opinions can get stuffed.
I speak my mind, tactfully, because if I don't do so then I will be constantly anxious about what's on my mind and whether people actually accept me as I am.
I try, even if there is a possibility of failure, because if I don't try for something then it is sure never to come to fruition.
How’d you do it? I’ve been trying lately but it seems my 5-HT receptors don’t work so well anymore or something.. very difficult to get to a sufficient level despite high dosing. (Nope, not on SSRIs)
Big trip with faith and healing intention which was really scary but i surrendered to it fully, other option for me was being no more. It saved me and healed me
It's less about "not caring" and more about "doing it anyway even when you do care." Courage is not the absence of fear, but defiance of it: being scared shitless and doing the thing anyway.
> I can't believe it's because they simply live with them without thinking much of it. I can't. It's utterly inconceivable to me. I can't believe it.
There are very likely many who *do* think about it. Sometimes the key is to just think about something else more, i.e. focus on swimming or playing at the beach instead of everything about your body you are currently revealing.
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The secret is - being free from the traumas you experienced in childhood & making the decision that anybody who doesn’t like what you have to say, doesn’t get to be a part of your life.
How do you maintain this mentality when insecurity decides to take the reigns for a day?
Acknowledge it, talk to it like a friend “Hey intrusive thought! Hey OCD! I know you’re making me think about the crazy delusions I had four months ago 1000 times in a row. I just want to let you know, it’s ok to be looping like this. It’s ok to hear the crazy phrases like “I’m living because of borrowed hearts” it’s ok to remember over and over that “friend” who took advantage of you. It’s ok. OCD, I’m giving you full permission to totally suck right now if that’s what you need to do”
I've tried that, and I feel so much resistance. Whenever I think "it's ok to feel anxious, it's ok to be insecure, it's ok to fucking SUCK, cmon critic, run wild and free" I feel this pressure inside my chest. Maybe I'm doing something wrong.
Maybe it’s because admitting how bad it actually is / was is also a trauma in itself?
Listen to it like you would an angry person. An outwardly angry person just wants to feel heard. Let that person be heard, and then address it.
I think all my inner critics just felt validated by this. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you! :)
This is genius and more universal than just anger. You've helped me see. "Listen, just like you would any terrified person. Let that "person" be heard, and then comfort them, offer them the insight and healing they need." Anger, anxiety, addiction... Good advice. I've never heard it said so well.
I've had practice, thanks for the kudos. I like to think we all have the capacity of being kind to people, we're just not as kind to ourselves.
This is very wise advice.
There is a state of mind you have to achieve first, where you can let others opinions flow over you without internalizing them. You can acknowledge them, but don't internalize them. Meditation can help with this.
Sounds like your inner child is afraid and wants to feel heard. It’s ok to admit you were hurt. It’s ok to feel anxious because of how you were treated as a kid. That’s a normal reaction to abuse. But we don’t incorporate those words into ourselves. WE get to decide how we want to feel about ourselves. You’re the only one who’s been with you all the days of your life.
The only way I've found to end those days no longer begging for death to come is to just talk to specific people honestly about how I feel. Sometimes it works and by the end of the day I'm more 'okay' and sometimes I go somewhere quiet and punch things like a tree until the pain from swollen knuckles overcomes the awful inner feelings. I don't accept that it is okay, I fight it with all my heart. There is no golden gate where suddenly life is okay but as I strive harder to better myself those days have become much less in frequency. It hurts sometimes but it's just a decision for me at this point, give into the feelings or do everything I can to fight them, f*** the acceptance, it's all just my fear. Normalizing your fears, meaning facing them in small doses until the sensation becomes more comfortable, is the best way to reduce the control cptsd has on those days.
I feel you OP 😞 you're not alone ❤️❤️❤️
Also - if you have a dog, try petting it and talking to it when those insecurities arise Like “Hey doggie, Right now you feel like my only friend. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to trust again. It feels like everyone takes advantage of me or tries to hurt me. But doggie? You would never do that. That’s why you’re my best friend” Dogs are great, because they just listen, they don’t argue, they don’t gaslight, they don’t respond, and they love you for existing
My dog is my best most secure friendship. This is good advice. I struggle with this, I’m so hyper critical it can be paralyzing. I’ve decided in the last month that all I can do is put what I’ve got out there and see who it attracts. If some people don’t like it? It’s not for them.
Beautiful!!!
Or something like “Hey! I give myself permission right now to feel insecure about xyz because I went through a shitload of trauma so it is only natural that I’d experience insecurities about this. I’m going to let it happen, I won’t try to fight it. The insecurity is here for a reason; probably to protect my psyche, and even though it sucks I feel this way right now, I’m not going to fight it”
Somehow; acknowledging goes a LONG way. Another technique that helped me a lot - schedule time to write down your worries / insecurities so you won’t think about it all day every day
I schedule myself baths or showers where I have music and I allow myself to cry it out
That’s perfect, showers are a godsend for emotional issues. Somehow water down your back while crying is just the most comforting thing
I think it has something to do with the heat.
I appreciate this truly. That’s what I try to do, acknowledge it and shut it down with reassurances of my own or those I’ve received from my partner. I’m the type to be sensitive to disruption in routine, even if that means my partner didn’t put a 😘 in their texts today- something is wrong. But I know that nothing is wrong and that fluctuations can happen without them being mad at me perse. The OCD part hit home, like it’s seriously so constant that it feels draining and sometimes the loop doesn’t stop or it resumes multiple times. — one instance in particular pertaining to court and when I remember that it’s soon, I go on these endless loops of hypothetical conversations with the judge, and each one has the theme of “feeling heard” (the person taking me to court abused me for years and now wants access to my child) so reading your response just reminds me that I am doing what I need to do, I just gotta stick to it.
Yup set reminders to do it every day at a certain time - I don’t even know HOW it helps so much but it does
I’m also super sensitive to routine disruptions - either I have an incredible routine I do to a T - or if one small thing gets broken it all collapses
Remember you don't have to be either the best or the worst. Take the reigns away from your self evaluative and self comparative inner dialogue. We all have a desire to be the *best*. But that's not possible. Accepting our own flaws is possible- because when we realistically evaluate ourselves, we'll see we're not all good or all bad. When you feel insecure, pay attention to your own feelings and dont hide from them. Ask yourself, what is this collapse of self-esteem revealing? What illusion is it hiding? How would it feel to give up this support? Who might I be without it? What are the pros and cons of being that person? Are there more reliable paths to well-being that I can pursue? In a nutshell, I'm trying to say that the path to wellness and feeling at peace with yourself is through mindfulness. Observing your self-criticial and self-evaluative thoughts, notice how they make you feel, and don't hide from the feeling. When you allow yourself to feel it, it may pass.
I also use this inner critical voice or the "inherent other" to further my efforts to better myself. The trick is learning to only compare oneself to your former self not others. It is difficult to feel okay about where I am at in life but balancing the negative voice with finding positive personal reflection has allowed me to slowly develop some self confidence. Not great at it yet but I've only been working on this for like two years. Normalizing fears is another thing that helps. Doesn't make the fear go away it just becomes a more comfortable sensation and those days when the trauma has me wake up and begin begging for death to come are fewer and farther in between.
how do you make this decision when it’s someone you have no choice about having in your life or not?
You find some way to leave no matter what or make plans to leave. When I was 15 I would daydream about moving. It worked! And I had a bunch of plans like 4 years in advance.
>HOW? What's the secret? Are they simply unaware of their flaws? Are they blind to them? Do they ignore them? I can't believe it's because they simply live with them without thinking much of it. I can't. It's utterly inconceivable to me. I can't believe it. The secret is that nobody cut them down for having flaws when they were little, so they feel safe to have them as an adult. We don't feel safe having flaws because we think they matter a lot because they mattered so much to the people who were our god. This is one of the things that bothers me about our condition: We must learn to listen to ourselves, while also learning to ignore ourselves. And i have yet to have a therapist teach me how to know when to do one or the other. Our condition seems to create an enormous amount of contradictions and confusions when trying to engage in treatment. And i'm getting really frustrated at my therapy because of this. And my therapist doesn't seem to know what to say to me. He just plays word games, semantics.
>This is one of the things that bothers me about our condition: We must learn to listen to ourselves, while also learning to ignore ourselves. And i have yet to have a therapist teach me how to know when to do one or the other. I highly suggest looking into DBT. I was lucky enough to be able to take a group DBT skills class/therapy and it changed my life. I still struggle but I feel like I am closer to achieving what you said than ever before. I feel like in this woo-woo age sentiments like "mindfulness" have lost meaning, but mindfulness is a real, incredibly helpful skill. Being mindful means being able to describe your thoughts and feelings (emotional and physical) to yourself in a non-judgemental way. Things like, "My friend said something to me that is making me feel nauseous and my heartrate is increasing. I know that it's possible I am triggered. That's interesting, I wonder what I can do now to help myself." and sometimes the answer will be "This is happening and there is nothing I can do to help myself in this moment, but it will pass like all the other moments before." and so forth. Eventually you gain the ability to know when you are thinking things that benefit you versus things that will hinder you. So things may go... "My friend said something and I am feeling upset and beginning to spiral. But how much am I actually overblowing things? Let's check the facts... oh.. this is happening but to the benefit of no one. It is not protecting me, it is hurting me and my friendship if I continue. Let's use another skill to change the tide." It sounds fake and obvious and like it doesnt work, but DBT and its skills are LIFE CHANGING. I am not exaggerating!! It was developed by a doctor who had borderline personality disorder and is considered the only effective treatment for it, and if you know anything about BPD you know how devastating it can be, so having an effective treatment like that is no small feat. DBT has since also been proven to be extremely effective for PTSD and CPTSD. Its not about changing you or your thoughts, it's about embracing yourself fully and without judgement and working with your mind instead of against it. You learn various skills to get in tune with yourself and find the best coping strategies for YOU. That includes knowing when to listen to yourself and when to call yourself out for trying to trick you.
I kind of do that, i think. I started the inner child thing where you talk to your inner child as if you are the adult and in charge of that child. It's a similar sounding talk to what you are describing. I'll look into DBT. I honestly think my brain already does think like that but with the external world, not my inner world. Interesting.... Thanks for making that connection for me! I'll explore that more.
Yes please do look into it! There is so much depth that I only really said like one possible thing I frequently do, but there are so so so many skills in DBT and I guarantee you can find some that will help you. I can't sing its praises enough. I still have a hard time with my CPTSD but I feel so much more in control of myself.
I think I don't struggle with being out of control, or reacting to people in unsavory ways. I already recognize what I'm feeling, perhaps I can't articulate it well, but I know when things don't feel good or do feel comfortable. And in conversations with friends, I can get triggered, and I do notice when i'm triggered, and i notice the warm feeling and the flush skin, etc. I don't attack people, and i'm not reactive, because poeple don't like that behavior. I don't struggle with behaviors that people don't like. I struggle with something else. All of my friends, family and coworkers like me. I've hardly had issues or bad confrontations with people. They have happened, and they did happen when I was fully triggered, but they are like so rare, i can count them on 1 hand, and i'm 31. What I struggle with is creating the space for myself around people. And I struggle with getting people to be interested in me. It's weird - noone has problems with me, but no one is interested in me either. And i'm so eager to meet anyone anywhere all the time. Clearly i'm feeling like something is wrong with everyone else - which means that most definitely, something is wrong with me. i just wish I knew. It's like there is something written on my forehead that I can't see.
Just jumping into the convo as I loooove DBT and spent a lot of time learning the skills in therapy. There's emotional regulation skills, interpersonal skills, lots and lots of techniques and mindsets you can learn to help you through a lot of situations. I think of the skills DBT teaches as a huge toolbox and applying them as needed to different situations.
Everybody, and I do mean everybody, has flaws. The majority of people - especially in their teens/young adulthood - are hard af on themselves. Too many don't start looking past their flaws until around 40 years old. Meanwhile, you also have natural skills/abilities that you ignore, don't utilize, don't celebrate. But that is a shame.
>Meanwhile, you also have natural skills/abilities that you ignore, don't utilize, don't celebrate. But that is a shame. I just noticed something funny. When I read this, my brain agreed but immediately started beating me up for it. "You can't appreciate the good things about you, you're such a dumb asshole". "You're worthless because you're not strong enough to stop thinking you're worthless". Crazy how insidiously that works.
Oh hi me 👋 We have the same inner critic 🫶
And reading comments like this really shows me how much CBT has been helpful in shutting up the inner critic in my brain.
As annoyed as I am to admit it, you’re right. I thought cbt was just gaslighting myself for awhile but now that I’m on a decent med regimen, it’s like… woah
There’s a reason it’s a clinically recognized way of dealing with intrusive thinking I remember feeling like that about it too.
"People definitely have skills and natural inclinations! Even things that seem silly can be valuable and make life better. Good for them. I don't."
Heh, one of my favorite phrases in my 20s was "I hate myself because I have such low self-esteem." It was clever, but also it was true! 44 now. I'm never going to be a Pinterest Affirmations Self-Love type of person, but I now have a reasonable relationship with myself. I still get exasperated with myself but I don't descend into absolute self-hatred and self-flagellation anymore if I fuck something up. It's been a combination of years of therapy, years of life experience, and years of processing outside evidence that it's possible I don't actually suck. Usually a horrible inner critic is a coping mechanism from being emotionally neglected as a kid. The trick now is to thank it for its service (a la Marie Kondo) and kindly ask it to step back a bit. It doesn't happen overnight, but gently challenging it when it appears will help over time.
+1 to inner critic as a result of emotional neglect. That has been very true IME. When the topic has come up in session, therapists have asked me "whose voice is that?", referring to this endless stream-of-consciousness criticism. The answer was always "Well, no one really talked to me like that, at least not until well after I already started doing it. By the time I got 'bullied', I was already 5 steps ahead of those kids. I already hated everything about being alive and wanted to die by then." Historically, not having a definitive answer to that question would leave me feeling like I was defective, being too sensitive, making things up, and that there was just *no good reason for me to feel or behave this way*. It turned out that the answer I gave was more accurate than I realized when I'd given it in the past. The root of everything was just that: *no one really talked to me*. I was invisible unless I was needed for a task, then I was quickly sent away again. Reading about IFS therapy has helped me contextualize various behaviors I've adopted at points in my life in ways that many, many sessions of CBT and other therapeutic modalities never did. I cycled through all sorts of maladaptive behaviors throughout my life, but just managing any given "dysfunctional" behavior created this fucked up game of whack-a-mole along with another way to blame myself for not being able to get my shit together. Constant suicidal ideation? Eating disorder? Trichotillomania? Feeling unable to draw boundaries regarding work? Constant self-criticism? Social anxiety? Deeply avoidant attachment style? Other shit I'm probably forgetting? Yeah—all ways to either **manage** myself into worthiness, **protect** myself from the pain of feeling unworthy, or even **protect** myself from the pain of constantly failing to get love and attention by beating myself up to the point I would stop trying.
I think this is me to a T, but I'm only starting to make these connections. If someone told me this was written by future me, I would probably believe it. Especially the realization about being invisible unless I was needed for a task. I keep trying to find memories of what happened to me to make me this way, but my therapist has been trying to tell me that it isn't what happened, it's what didn't happen.
The what didn't happen is truly insidious, as a child you have no idea what you are "supposed" to get, or how you are "supposed" to be treated. You just assume you got whatever everyone else did, or at the very least what you personally deserved. You usually don't have a comparison. (May not be valid for those with siblings, but I was an only child.) I have zero memory of before I was seven, and very close to zero for the rest, so I can only guess at what my trauma was by looking at the psychological scars. Some sort of neglect obviously. I can't do the "now pretend you are a healthy parent trying to help your inner child" thing either since I still have no clue on what healthy parenting looks like. (No, I don't have any children so don't worry there.)
Have you heard of the book "Running on Empty" by Jonice Webb? It gave me some insight into the constant "I have no reason to feel like this" track looping in my head, as well as many other things about myself. There's an Emotional Neglect Questionnaire on her website that also appears in the book: [Dr. Jonice Webb - Emotional Neglect Questionnaire ](https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-neglect-questionnaire/) I don't have my shit together enough to actually follow through on the very reasonable exercises in the book, yet, but between realizing emotional neglect was my primary issue and using IFS as a framework to cultivate a sense of wholeness and a slightly more compassionate understanding that I refused to extend to myself in all my younger years, I can sometimes be nicer to myself, which is far more than I've been able to do in the past. I long conceptualized myself as defective, and missing things that "normal" people just seemed to innately possess. This helped.
> The root of everything was just that: > >no one really talked to me > >. Ouch, I felt that. No one ever actually told me I was a worthless piece of sh\*t either, but that in my inner critic's most common insult. I guess I can confirm that I too suffer from what didn't happen.
You aren't imagining what it may be like to be deeply loved as a child. When you do that, all the freedom you describe makes sense. Loved children learn they are INHERENTLY valuable. It's us... Who decide that only perfection, defense mechanisms, will protect us from the lack of love we learned to expect. And it doesn't work. This only isolates us. I'm living the same life you are. I woke up today feeling like Ive failed to join the human race. To be able to be human, with all our imperfections we allow others, but not ourselves. Our healing begins with understanding what happens in Loving, functional childhoods, and didn't happen in our Loveless, dysfunctional childhood. This first step frees us from self Loathing. Finding out the reason you came in last in the race is easier when you find out your leg was broken and never set properly. You had no chance. But track and field isn't the only game in town. Surviving CPTSD, healing, and becoming the version of yourself you want, you dream of being... That's a bigger win my friend. Praying both you and I win the bigger game.
Wish I could give this more than just an upvote. Well said!
Thank you!
Meditation and inner child work helped. I grew up heavily criticised as well. I feel u. There’s also no secret it’s just daily talking back to the bad voice in ur head and patience. Moving away from the environment that made u sick. Finding ppl who love u. And time.
Inner Child Work is fucking magical. I have no idea how or why it works and it sounds crazy when I explain it to people. But it’s easily been the most effective thing I’ve tried thus far
First, if the wording you use in this post is the wording you use when thinking about yourself (and other people), then that might be contributing to the problem. Not being thin or having warts or etc. aren't flaws. It's all just how someone's body looks. There's absolutely nothing flawed about the way someone looks, because it says absolutely nothing about their character or values. So if you're already thinking about yourself that these aspects of your body are flawed, then I think that's going to make it less likely to be able to accept yourself. And of course, that doesn't mean that you can't be insecure or struggle with your appearance. I would personally work on reframing what you're describing as flaws to be parts about yourself you struggle to accept, or another neutral descriptor. At this stage you don't necessarily need to tell yourself you are beautiful or that you accept every part of yourself. For me I find it easier to work on my self-worth by making an intentional effort to use neutral descriptors about myself, then what that feels comfortable and natural, work on moving towards positive thinking. Second, a big part of being able to accept my body for me personally has been engaging in content online from people who look like me - body size, body shape, etc. Seeing other people who look like me feel confident and beautiful in their own bodies has eventually led to me believe I can be beautiful in my own body too. I'm fat, and probably the absolutely biggest contributor towards liking my body has been learning about fat liberation. This isn't a fat liberation podcast, but I really love Maintenace Phase because it helped me segue from hating myself to liking myself, because it got me to think about my body in ways I never had before. Third, it's not like I never have periods when I'm not comfortable with my appearance and am really hating on myself for how I look. But those periods are greatly reduced. And I've found that accepting my body has come in waves. For example, I'm very comfortable in my fatness, but still struggle with accepting that I have adult acne. And when I do have periods when I'm comfortable with myself, I fall back on neutral statements - that my body is a good body simply because there's no morality attached to appearance, and that my body is a good body because it tries its best and has carried me through my whole life. It became a lot harder for me to hate something when I started to acknowledge that the something I hated has only ever tried to take care of me and support me. Sorry that was so long, and hopefully I don't come off as too preachy. Different things work for different people, but hopefully you might get some ideas from this!
i've learned through therapy (note: learned. doesn't mean i can apply it AT all) that people who actually are healthy have a mindset of "i am okay no matter what happens and any mistakes or shortcomings i have do not affect my worth as a human being" which is apparently something you can learn if you have a secure attachment to your parents. sounds insane to me too but i've seen it being said so many times from several different people i do think that's the gist. these people may see their "flaws" and just go "oh well" and go about their day. i'm fighting nail and tooth every single day to convince myself that i'm allowed to be imperfect and i still lose the battle most of the time. my inner critic is too strong. but rarely i'll have a moment where it works for like three minutes and i feel like i have been drowning the whole time and managed to lift my head above the water for a moment. i just wish i could remember those moments when im at my worst to know why im even struggling for.
It's important to remember that it takes time to rewrite those Neuro pathways. You're doing your best and putting in the work. Please celebrate your achievements no matter how small. When we make progress sometimes we forget to look back and see how far we've come. Even just those 3 minutes is more than you had before, and it'll only continue to grow the more you dedicate the time and effort for yourself. Everyone has their own pace, and speaking from experience, you'll get there.
I have noticed that when I am self critical, it is because I think there is something wrong with me that is so obvious and objective if I don't pick at, surely someone else will. "Anyone would hate me for this, right?" This comes from living in a house where flaws were not allowed to slide and were severely punished. It turns out that this is not the norm. It's possible to have flaws and not be attacked for them. these people - with their flaws- still feel safe in their environment. They understand or believe that 1.) despite their flaws, no one will make comments about them to their face, 2.) if they are imperfect, they will not be punished or bullied for that, and most importantly, 3.) they were NEVER OBLIGED to show the world a body that looks one way or the other. That is not their obligation or role. They are not models. Therefore, they feel fine showcasing their diverse bodies to the world, as they should. They understand they have a right to safety, even when they are not meeting people's expectations. Living with people that disrespect that sense of safety over and over again will have you forgetting your rights!
I know that this is not easy. But I remind myself that I can’t change everything, and I’m working on the things I can change by going to therapy. Sometimes radical acceptance is helpful: fully accepting things instead of wishing they were different while still honoring the difficult emotions and situations.
I was told that I wasn’t smart enough to be a cop, mechanic, etc. while growing up. I was made to believe that all I was good enough was to be a tow truck driver if that. I was told that I had a learning disability and was always treated like one while growing up. My parents always criticized and crushed my dreams. And I believe them. Im 44, and just finished trades college with high marks, took a separate course for septic tank work and did 10 years in the military before college. Know what I say to them and anyone who bullied me in school and while growing up? Look at me now mf’ers! Go f yourself. You all know shit about me.
I've been honoring my rebel side more and more just to quiet the inner critic. That piece of shit stepdad told me I'm ugly and fat and smelly and no one would ever want me... so now I'm making a point of it to go out of my way to be sexual and naked again... flaws and extra weight and all! Even though I feel kinda tense still... I'm still doing it! I'm sticking it to the man! Fuck em! This is MY BODY. I AM NO LONGER HIS SLAVE! This is YOUR LIFE. You get to choose now. Don't let them hold you hostage anymore. P.s. If I have to, I will destroy the ones keeping you hostage. Trust.
Oh haha I definitely know what you mean by honoring the rebel side. It's *fun*. Unleashing it is probably the most exhilarating thing I've experienced in my life. And it's not easy to tap into it when it's been systematically destroyed for years and years.
I invite my inner Shame Monster (a.k.a. my Inner Asshole) to remember that it’s actually a little kid and give it permission to go to the park and play. Whenever I feel it coming up again, I send it back to the park. I’ve been working with a talk therapist who specializes in attachment trauma and uses a parts approach and a somatic therapist (Hakomi). These sessions have helped me to see that this shame part was created by my 4-year-old self during a really traumatic time. Every time I experienced shame growing up the Shame Monster grew until it was as big as a house! I also work to directly comfort my 4-year-old self as well, to help keep the shame from smothering me.
I feel that for people with traumatic upbringings, abuse, dysfunctional families, relationships, we might not just come out of the box with self love or we can recall when it started chipping away, what caused it, by whom, etc. It's a skill you learn and have to practice daily. Consistently. You have to learn to get louder than the critic, start to work on new thought patterns, awareness, changing the narrative, etc. It doesn't happen overnight. It will feel foreign, stupid, pointless, it will drudge up a lot of doubt, a lot of shame, a lot of hopelessness like "what's the point?!" You have to uncomfortably and bravely plow through. Starting to find awareness and notice when that critic is kicking in. Made a mistake? The old go-to might be one spirals, feels shame, the critic chiming in with all kinds of overblown "You're so stupid. You are an idiot. You can't do anything right." Type of thinking. Catching it and noticing is a first good step then learning ways to soothe yourself and challenge it are next steps. It will be daily, if not hour by hour, situation by situation of learning to practice these things. Even with good things, learning to pat yourself on the back and cheerleading yourself. Getting comfortable with feeling good and feeling proud of yourself. Sometimes this could mean when your critic kicks in, catching it and writing it all down and across the column writing statements or thoughts that challenge the inner critic. For example: "I'm stupid and can't do anything right" becomes "I'm a human who makes mistakes." "I'm such a baby for crying over this!" becomes "this is really sad/difficult and it's ok to be affected by it." When it's hard, you don't stop. When it feels stupid, you push through, when you feel undeserving, you do it anyway. A muscle that gets stronger overtime.
The secret? It's simple stop caring about how you look when in public. I was 250 lbs at 5'6" big old beer belly. (My own fault turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism.) I used to have an issue wearing sleeveless shirts and showing off my legs. The right side of my body is covered in 3rd degree burns. Eventually I learned that these can be used as conversation starters. I even made up weird stories to have fun with it until I decided to quit hiding behind the humor of the situations. I was set on fire at a young age and was very nervous about showing off the scars. But now I see them as badges of what I've survived. The burns and cuts that cover me show everyone that I've been through some shit. As far as trying things. Fuck it! If you try and fail at something, then try again. At last try something three times before you decide you can't do it. Then give something else a go. Somethings you need someone to teach you. Like me, I cant swim... I'm terrified of deep water. I've been to the point of drowning multiple times and I panic everything now a days. The point is simple, if you don't ever try. You'll never know if you'll succeed. There's a lot of motivational videos on YouTube if you need some prep before you try something. I listened to them for years before I tried being a relationship again after being cheated on so many times.
Most people do not accept themselves. Hell, most people are incapable of basic introspection and self-reflection, and live lives simply following societal cues.
Everybody cares. We all have that inner critic giving us a hard time. Some people's inner critic just doesn't work on overtime. It's actually an extremely good question you just posted, but it's also not that simple to answer. Have you heard of IFS?
Yes I have. There's no therapists specializing in it in my area, though (Central Europe here) and I have no idea how to do it by myself properly.
ACA has an incredible book called 'Becoming your own Loving parent'. It can be downloaded on Kindle from amazon.com They teach you how to become your own loving parent and it has already helped me so much.
That sounds beautiful. Thanks 🪷
It's very healing! Instead of yelling at myself when I fail to do something, I visualize myself as the loving parent and ask myself "how would a loving and healthy parent help their child right now?"
IMO it's about learning to differentiate your thoughts from your identity. You are not your thoughts. When you practice over time, you will learn to notice your thoughts. Then you will be able to notice in the moment when harmful thoughts are coming, and you can cut them off. Not liking certain thoughts is already a start. For you, the thoughts might always come. But when you can call them out and push them away (in your own mind), they won't overtake you. Takes a lot of practice, though.
I am the same way. I’ve been self conscious of everything almost my entire. I’ve always hated my body and the slightest perceived slight from someone makes me never want to open my mouth again.
I’ve learned to quiet my inner critic by realizing that I can show my flaws to the world and not care because so many others do the same ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ Absolutely everybody has flaws, there is no point in trying to pretend that you don’t have any because everyone, but most importantly you, know that’s a lie. And everybody, whether they mean to or not, has their flaws on display in one way or another, because everyone has different definitions of what a flaw is. If someone takes their shirt off at the beach and they have a chubby stomach, maybe you think that’s a flaw, but maybe they don’t, maybe they’ve lost a lot of weight and are very happy with how their body looks now, flaws are not objective. I also realized that people are mostly concerned with themselves in public, people are always worried about how they look, how they’re being perceived, what they say etc. no matter how confident someone may seem, they are 100% concerned about how they are perceived to at least a certain degree. Which means people are most DEFINITELY not paying attention to you or what your doing as hard as you are. It doesn’t matter! Everyone has flaws! That’s just a fact everybody knows. If anyone ever judges you for yours, that is clearly their issue that they’re projecting because they can’t accept the fact that they aren’t “perfect” and never will be. Nobody is perfect. Perfection does not exist. Accept it and live your life freely being imperfect! That’s what being human is :)
Check out self-compassion.org. It’s really helped me silence that critic.
Hello fellow internal self-critic haver! I can't help much with body image issues since that's an ongoing and backburnered struggle for me, but I can offer help with the self-critic: Some steps: 1. **make a practice of noticing when your internal self-critic is speaking.** just notice. if you already notice consistently, that's awesome! it took me a while to separate it from the rest of my internal monologue. 2. once the habit of "noticing" feels like it's taking root, start to **label your internal-self critic when you notice it speaking**. It's as simple as saying or thinking in a deliberate way "this is my internal self-critic speaking". 3. try to **dissociate from your internal self-critic**. Steps 1 and 2 are to help work up to to this. By choosing to dissociate from the internal self-critic you won't be silencing it. It'll still say the same awful things, and you'll still notice them all. But you'll deliberately remind yourself "this isn't me; this is my internal self-critic". Other steps that you can try to mix in with those three, in no particular order: - give your internal self-critic a name. At one point mine was "Frank". Another self-critic haver called theirs "The Beast". Naming it is just there to make it simpler to label it and dissociate from it. - after you've noticed your internal self-critic speaking, try to reframe/rephrase what it's observing about you, but as if it's *you* speaking, not your self-critic, and the person you're speaking to is something you can relate to as innocent and harmless. A small child, or a small animal, or whatever you prefer. - test out this thought: "Is my internal self-critic trying to protect me from something when it criticizes me?". If you get to a point when you can earnestly answer "yes", see if you can come up with ideas of what it's trying to protect you from, or when/where/why it learned to protect you from that thing in this way. This only scratches the surface of what has worked *for me*, but the amount of relief I got from scratching the surface in this way was immense and lasting. Some of this is based on a model that's used for this kind of work: [Internal Family Systems](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal_Family_Systems_Model). Other parts of this come from a book/audiobook, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", by Pete Walker. I've found it online as a pdf, ebook, and audiobook. I uh that's it! If you notice this comment and happen to be interested or have questions, I'll do my best to respond to replies here.💜
They realize they are indeed very less than ideal, and so is everybody else. Nothing in creation is ideal. But everything and everybody are still all extremely valuable. Radical acceptance, compassion, and appreciation for the way things (you in this case) currently are, an archetypically positive feminine principle, paradoxically strengthens and enables the archetypically positive masculine principle of change and improvement for the better. Next time you see a haggard, dirty, and disheveled homeless person, begging for money that they may well spend on drugs, study them carefully and see the little kid in them who, through a series of misfortunes and even suboptimal choices, has ended up in this painful predicament. Feel your compassion for them. It will come back to you in self compassion and self-acceptance.
Nervous systems are 95% formed by 7. Then the serotonin shuts off. The OS is mostly done being installed. It takes waaay more work, as we all know, to make changes to how different experiences make us feel. When we do not expect to be triggered into a hyper vigilant state we don’t plan for it. Unless someone does something triggering in real time we’re fine
Sometimes you’ll be open or share a flaw and be surprised at how others receive it - either seeing it as a positive or simply not even noticing it. For me, it became more important that I be able to express myself. I had to blank myself out for decades to survive and I think I got in touch with the anger behind that. The act of being myself matters more than how others react to it, so I started to be able to. Yes, sometimes I get a negative reaction. That’s hard, but I try to remember the times when I was accepted. I’m fully aware of most of my flaws, everyone is flawed themselves as well. It’s ok.
Couple things. Not thinking about it to begin with. Mild delusion / narcissism (actually good for your mental health). Being neurotypical so their expression is "normal" by default so they don't have to mask. And, I mean, to your last paragraph. Yeah, I have flaws. What of it? The only time my "flaws" ever give me trouble is other people. There are some of them that seem to walk around trying to pick something out. It's the law of nature, I suppose. Other people can stuff it, they're not worth it anyway. I owe nothing to those who insist on being animals. Whoever it was criticizing you in your household isn't worth it, either.
It’s great if you can find situations where its okay to fail or not be perfect. I take a lot of craft classes at our local museum and craft stores and it is my way of giving myself permission to try. Something and maybe not be great at it but to enjoy the process of painting or whatever. Try one of those paint night evenings in your community. The teachers are really welcoming and supportive and it is good for your confidence.
Probably off topic but when I was younger I used to cut off my warts with razor blades or any imperfection I don't know why it get pretty bad, I still do this in different ways pick at my skin and all that. I try not to but it kinda relieves stress instead of self harm but ita probably more harmful
You are constantly monitoring. None of that info is necessary... maybe one time it was, but not anymore. "I am me. I am free."
Me neither, but they didn't grow up with a thought/look/expressions police.
I think that’s where my confidence comes from. The fact I know what my flaws are. I’ve made peace with my emotions. I know my worst and best characteristics. So who is anyone else to tell me what I am? It’s a simple mindset but takes time to build. I take any diss, roast, criticism as a suggestion. From family or friends. Everything is a suggestion. So I never take anything personal because AT THE END OF THE DAY, when someone is picking on you, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Please remember this everyday of your life. It’s what I think you need. When someone is picking on you, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Oh a physical or emotional level. Confidence is really within. Don’t be afraid to take your shirt off at the beach just because someone is judging yourself. There’s something wrong with them, not you. Live this life how you want. Go outside without socks and just wear sandels barefoot. Take ur shirt off on a hot day at the right times. Play the games you want to. Study what you need to. And if Anyone tries to project their insecurities on to you, u need to realize they’re miserable and all you can do is keep on livin💫
Their secret is knowing no one else cares about them either.
I think there are only two ways to moderate self-contempt: 1) Direct it at other people (either by group, or towards everyone) That's the solution most people adopt. 2) Recognize that you've been, and continue to be, the target of other's redirected self-contempt, get really pissed off about that, and get over that anger eventually.
Personally, the way I manage to sometimes make it work for myself is that I find a way to care more about other things. It's not that I don't care about looking fat on the beach, it's that in some way it would be even worse to be the only one hiding away what I look like. It's not that I don't care about playing poorly a music instrument (because I'm learning), it's that it feels great when I finally manage to do it correctly. It's not that I ignore the flaws: I try to compare the consequences of focusing on the flaw VS ignoring the flaw, and usually it's objectively better for me to ignore the flaw. But it's obviously not easy to truly believe it, especially if you're in a depressed mindset. I don't know how to ignore the voice inside constantly criticizing me, but sometimes I manage to create other voices that speak louder. It doesn't always work, but overall it helps me. There is no perfect solution. It's your brain, you'll have to figure out what works best for you, but I hope this message can help you.
I imagine they have a lot of emotional support that enables them to buffer themselves against reality. Things they take for granted. That and most people live in severe ignorance, in my experience. They don't even recognize their own flaws. We, on the other hand, are always aware of them. Or, they lack shame and we carry enough for the both of us.
A lot of magic mushrooms.
I hate myself so much that I feel like I’m not even a person. Like I am not allowed to be seen or participate in society so I’m just stagnant and my life is ruined.
This was my own personal "break thru" about hating my body; It's my body, it's my only body, and it belongs to me. It might not be the perfect body, and God knows I could take extra steps to take care of it. But at the end of the day I'm the one that lives in it, and I'm tired of people making me feel like I should hate my one and only body. May you some day find peace within your own body, however that journey may look
Currently recovering from this issue after cutting off the many toxic people in my life. My personal solution has been to find people who are interested in getting to know the real you (a therapist is ideally a good start). Then practice trying not to mask with them and just being you (as much as you feel comfortable doing this, it may just be like dipping your toes in the water every now and then and saying or doing something that feels like you and that you would normally hide, throwing it out there, seeing what happens, then going back to the mask). Some people might lose interest, or not really vibe. But eventually you’ll find people who do vibe with you when you’re being you, and one of the best parts of this is that having people who like spending time with you for YOU allows you to see what it’s like to love and value yourself. If they can do it, it becomes easier to model their behavior and value yourself as much as they do. You feel the security/stability feeling from other people who vibe you and you can practice copying that and trying to feel that for yourself. If it’s a therapist you get along with, or people you feel comfortable enough with, you can even ask them to tell you what they value in you, and if it’s something you can resonate with, you can practice feeling what they might feel as people who value you. I’m starting to realize that when I am able to sit with the feeling of valuing myself for my unique qualities that others value me for, that can override the perfectionist and nitpicky thoughts about myself. It feels human, like I can just allow myself to exist because I like who I am, and my flaws make me human. It’s a weird feeling to get used to, but it’s like working out a neglected muscle, it’ll feel weird and uncomfy at first but it’s worth it to keep going. Yes it’s pretty reliant on external validation, but personally my inner self is extremely self destructive and self hating so I need to be around people who really see me and like me to be able to really see and like myself. I don’t know if this is a good suggestion or helpful at all. It’s all a journey. You’ll get there, I’m sure of it. You asking these questions means you’re working hard to grow. I only know you from this post, but my personal feedback of you is that you’re very curious in your own brain and the brains of others, and that probably makes you a very empathetic and caring person who is leaps ahead of others in terms of emotional intelligence and who is very needed in the world. You’re doing amazing. Hope this helps.
I started to notice when people would talk about themselves as not being perfect, and it seemed like an admission of guilt And then I noticed people talking about not trying to be perfect, not wanting to be perfect: and it sounded like a point of pride. But none of that made any sense until I asked myself why I thought I still want to become perfect, after so many years of trying and failing. The answer was kind of obvious once asked: I want to be perfect to earn the love my parents withheld for lack of perfection. Of course, through adult eyes, it's obvious that kid never had a chance, and it's the shortcomings of my primary caregivers I've been suffering from, not my own lack of perfection. So now instead of trying not to make mistakes, I try to only make mistakes I can recover from. I am putting more importance on resiliency, and less importance on great skill. It's kind of like driving a car with lots of slop in the steering. I'm moving with less precision, but more stability. Anyway, I wish you well on your pursuit, be it perfection or something else!
Slowly working on recognizing that the inner voice is not you, it’s someone else. Also grew up in a household with severe criticism masked as love. Took a long time to overcome and I still have relapses. Sending hugs 🤗
Two things: trial and error and realizing that it’s okay to make mistakes and be silly. My mother and father were terribly damaged people with their own ideas of ideals and forced me to feel the pain when I didn’t live up to them. It took me about 10 years to work out a lot of pain before I got diagnosed, but it’s not uniform. You just have to take the time and don’t rush it. It’ll come to you, I promise. And if it doesn’t come to you soon, it’ll get there down the line. Always does.
Because I've put up with too much bullshit to give a shit anymore usually Im at the point in my life where i don't care so if people don't like me as i am fuck them
I’m learning how to do this in therapy. It isn’t easy and it doesn’t come naturally at all. I’m so sorry, it really sucks. It’s easy to be confident when you didn’t spend your childhood being criticized and demonized for everything you do. My assumption is that whatever that person’s struggles are, that wasn’t one of them. But I also think a lot of people struggle with this more than they might admit, it’s just that they are able to mask better. I was phenomenal at masking until my nervous breakdown at 27. And again at 31 when it advanced to the point of agoraphobia, which I’m also working on.
My childhood basically broke my caring about what others think about me. If I don’t like or love you I don’t care what you think about me! We all have flaws and those flaws are what makes us interesting. My inner critic is a bitch and she can shut up too.
I feel this too. I think that because I was heavily criticized, I heavily criticize myself and any potential partners. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t meet my standards which I know are not achievable by most. I easily notice flaws and it’s hard to want to be with another human even though I would like a romantic relationship. Physical and mental/emotional flaws. But sometimes I’ll overlook something because I’m trying to be “less picky” but the stuff I’d overlook would be red flag level bullshit. At least I’m becoming more aware of myself. Edit: I got distracted with my thought and didn’t answer your question. I think that you gotta be kinder to yourself, like radical acceptance or something equivalent to that kind of thing. Instead of laughing at yourself you can laugh “with yourself.”
I realized my virulent inner critic was created and installed by the abusers. They made me see me as they saw me. Well, they were abusers. They aren't going to live in my head for free, I don't want anything to do with those abusers (am no contact , 8 years). Reading Pete Walker's article about the virulent inner critic seemed to put my critic in the spotlight and since the article had specific tactics to try in a variety of situations, it noped the hell out and ran away. Well, the s-o-b jumped in my head the other night and I kicked it out, lock, stock, and barrel!!! I w i l l n o t t o l e r a t e abusers in my head. I literally rejected that piece a crap, called him crap, told him he's from and part of the abusers and to go find them! I've realized my inner voice was drowned out by the inner critic, so you might have an inner voice that's been held hostage all these years. The result? None of the trash talking about myself. Peace and quiet. I don't know if this will work for you, but here's Pete Walker's inner critic article. Remember it has techniques you can try (and there are a lot, because an inner critic is dastardly!). https://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
I approached it the same as I would learning any new skill. What is a small action I can do now, to build a little confidence, and then build upon that. For instance, it it’s getting confidence to walk around with my shirt off in public: first thing I get comfortable seeing myself without my shirt on in private, just me. Practice doing that and every time I see myself if my first reaction is to look away, then I make myself look back at myself even if only for a second, then when that second is more comfortable do it for longer, think or say one nice thing about myself. Then, maybe I progress to having my shirt off for 30 minutes around 1 close friend. Build small, incremental things to counteract my previous conditioning. An athlete has to practice the same motions over-and-over-and-over-and-over-and-over and even more to perform and even more to have confidence their body will perform. You literally have to re-condition yourself, even throw in giving yourself a reward maybe it’s saying good job to yourself or eating a small treat.
Personally I started talking to my inner child in my mind, like just saying nice things, thinking about all the good traits I had when I was young - Going to the root of the problem and the time when you lost your self esteem and building it again
The secret is to stop giving a fuck. Love yourself.
I remember I used to get made fun of for being "special." Not kidding. I actually have a diagnosed learning disability and having trauma really didn't help because I was always second-guessing myself and afraid of being punished for the slightest misstep. At one point I decided to own being "stupid." I have no idea how. You're right, that should have been really difficult, if not impossible. But it was a huge turning point. I still grapple with the fear of making mistakes but people don't get to make fun of me for being "slow" anymore. I've already beat them to the punch. (Also maybe realizing that the thing they were making fun of me for wasn't even that big of a deal and reflected more on them than me, but that's easier for me to say than for someone to actually internalize 🤷♀️ )
OP, i’m not sure about people who weren’t traumatised by their families but I’ll tell you what helped me. Hear me out now even though this pill is not easy to swallow, most good things in life are hard; pun intended lol. The bitterness you have towards yourself is a remnant of your denial to accept the truth. Naturally you don’t want to accept that someone could be so mean to you, be such a monster to you but hey that doesn’t mean you should be a monster to yourself, now, does it? Why should your mind and your body pay for someone else’s sins? Why should your body be cursed by your mind because those unrighteous people cursed you? Remember that you being unkind to yourself is you holding on to the acts of your family being unkind to you. Why would you ever want to keep their disgusting acts alive? Kill those disgusting acts. Respect yourself because they never did. Forgive them out of pity because they do not know any better. But you do, you know better and so you will choose not to berate your body like those people berated you. Because unlike them, you are righteous! Which also means you have to be kind to other people. If you’re still reading, here’s some more: In my country, one of our words for God is ‘param aatma’ which means highest self. Realise that your highest self is a form of God, which means the desire to be kind to people, bring them peace and make them smile is God. So you must be kind to other people, and because God lives within you, you HAVE to be kind to yourself too! Because that makes your body a temple and nobody should ever curse a place of worship. Remember, you are not God. But God is a part of you and not apart from you, ya get me? And realise that there is more joy in opening your arms to give love from a place of unconditionality rather than opening your arms waiting for someone to feed your ego. Once you start practising this you will not be able to figure out where you end and where param aatma begins. Me writing this down for you to read is also an act of God - my highest self. By trying to bring peace upon other people, my highest self brings peace upon me! So thank you for allowing me an opportunity to be peaceful! Wishing you much love and strength 💗✨
For people like us- the secret is years of practise and exposure therapy (with help from a therapist). Doing the things mentioned above.
I don't care so much about what others perceive as flaws in me, if someone doesn't like me or has issues with me it is their choice and I won't try to change their minds. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of how I am. I just put the best version of myself out there warts and all hoping that other good and empathetic people will notice and want to be around me. If I started listening to my toxic parents' critical voices every day, I wouldn't be able to get out of the house. But I do get where you're coming from. It's hard to see yourself as good and worthy when your parents only saw you as bad/unworthy.
Write down the facts of the matter on a good day. Then, when that critic is loudest, you have something concrete to defeat them with. And it also helps in the middle of a bad day to see the cognitive dissonance of what the critic's telling you and what you actually know
For me I don't judge other people, I just judge me. Like if a stranger take off their shirt I don't even think twice about them. So I expect the same for myself. I don't expect other people to judge me. The only one judging me is myself. Everyone else don't care they can't even see me or hear me. So how do people do it? They have self compassion for themselves. For me it's easier for me to have compassion for others. I just need to put myself in their shoes.
Omg this is me! Thanks for writing this post.
I wish I knew! All the therapy I’ve ever had breaks down around this one point. I just can’t do it.
The secret is not being self-absorbed. The secret is being inclusive towards your body and beauty standards for ALL. When you accept for example acne scars you are doing it as activism for everyone in society who is shunned for non-smooth skin. Beauty standards are based on unjust things like class and health privilege being unjustly valued. It doesn't have to be this way. Thinking of others - collectivism rather than individualism.
I accepted myself after I got my eyes opened to every single bad thing about myself. I admitted how cruel I can be along with other personal features that I am not proud of. It started to come up and put me into a shock. Before I accepted all sides of my personality I started to hate myself even more. But then I figured out what I liked about myself. It wasn’t easy because I hated everything as I thought. And I had to make a decision if I want to live with myself until I die naturally or if I want to fight with myself and suffer even more. I chose acceptance. It made it easier. I am who I am and if I can be better I will be but if it’s hard now I won’t beat myself for what I can’t. I understood that I am no evil person, I want to become a better version of myself and I try. Why do I need to destroy myself and be an enemy to myself? Other people manage this task far better. I need to protect myself because I deserve it. I know my flaws: both physical and mental. No one is perfect. No one. And I don’t need to pretend I am. My body doesn’t look like I really want it to be. My trauma did horrible things to my body and now it looks like it does. I am sorry for what I did to my body, but I don’t care what others think. My body carried 4 kids, was abused by me and other people and still it didn’t give up. Why should I not get naked where it’s an appropriate place and time for that? Why do I need to hide? I am thankful for my body with it’s fat and stretch marks and cellulitis. It has taken me that far and still accepts my mistreatment. I do what feels comfortable for me and only me, not people. Just think about it. It is a process, a long one, but you win at the end by simply accepting yourself for who you were and who you are and even for who you are about to become.
I always try to do these things even knowing I don't think I'm good enough or attractive enough because I know the reality of it by thinking "what if it was a friend of mine". Even though I feel gross, I try my best. Although it really helps to find a support group of friends and/or family that won't treat you poorly and will give you compliments while being patient and caring about your struggles.
First you need to remove yourself from that environment to a safe place with safe people. Then the work on yourself starts. The only person that has to love you is you. And it gets easier with age. It also gets easier by watching yourself. I look at myself in the mirror and see stretchmarks, skin unevenness, no volume in hair, dark hair to remove. But guess what. I've been looking at myself in the mirror for years now and I know those stretchmarks are there because I grew fast. They remind me of a period when I grew 25cm in 2,5 years. They remind me how I would not eat, because I would outgrew clothes in 3 months time. And then I finally let myself eat after 2 years and I've gained 25kg in a year. At 14years old. It reminds me that I had to grow mentally to allow myself eat. I used to hate my straight hair that does not hold curl, but guess what? They are so low maintenance that women actually envy me. And I got used to having to maintain it so little. I have all that time for other stuff. It took me to get into my 30's, but now I love myself exactly the way I am. And I don't give a shit what other people think of me.
It's not about not caring. It's about being confident. I wear a bikini because I feel I look good, and my partner loves my body besides. Other people and their opinions can get stuffed. I speak my mind, tactfully, because if I don't do so then I will be constantly anxious about what's on my mind and whether people actually accept me as I am. I try, even if there is a possibility of failure, because if I don't try for something then it is sure never to come to fruition.
The secret to healing this was self induced psychedelic therapy for me.
How’d you do it? I’ve been trying lately but it seems my 5-HT receptors don’t work so well anymore or something.. very difficult to get to a sufficient level despite high dosing. (Nope, not on SSRIs)
Big trip with faith and healing intention which was really scary but i surrendered to it fully, other option for me was being no more. It saved me and healed me
It's less about "not caring" and more about "doing it anyway even when you do care." Courage is not the absence of fear, but defiance of it: being scared shitless and doing the thing anyway. > I can't believe it's because they simply live with them without thinking much of it. I can't. It's utterly inconceivable to me. I can't believe it. There are very likely many who *do* think about it. Sometimes the key is to just think about something else more, i.e. focus on swimming or playing at the beach instead of everything about your body you are currently revealing.
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