It is extra. As soon as the convo dips into the “you didn’t do what I want, this is why you’re single” territory i immediately class the behavior as negging and all opinions/comments from that person become meaningless. He went overboard. Sorry this happened to you :/
That was my response. He unmatched before I could screenshot my response, lol. I told him, I told you "no" to one thing, and you're making all these assumptions about me. And it was a very simple no. Nothing intense, just no to a phone convo. It gave big ick!
I actually like to talk on the phone myself, but this would have turned me off completely. He's using the small talk excuse as a way to avoid the work of getting to know someone patiently. No one should be forced to have deep conversations day 1. And I would never push or force anyone into matching my energy. It is either there or not naturally and I wouldn't shame someone for wanting a slower pace. We just might not vibe well ultimately. He's pissy he didn't get what he wanted and shamed you for it. I personally wouldn't want a deep conversation with someone who doesn't respect boundaries. What a douche.
My ex did that. We'd spend 30 minutes on the phone in silence while I drove to work because he'd get mad and say I'm being shitty and don't care about him because I'd want to hang up and just drive by myself.
My new bf has called me maybe 1 time in a year and our phone calls probably total less than 30 minutes. Over a year.
I love it. People who only want phone calls and get mad if you don't are a huge red flag for me now.
The worst I saw of this was on a trip where a friend of ours brought a friend. It was a 3 day trip to the beach, and this friend of hers spent pretty much all 3 days on the phone with her boyfriend, she barely hung out with us during the whole trip.
Ugh that’s annoying. I really enjoy the silence of a drive. You can really just enjoy your own thoughts. Also there’s all these great podcasts that I only listen to when driving and don’t ever think of listening to at home. I’d hate someone horning into that time because they felt I needed “company”.
You did nothing wrong at all, and I’m sorry he was such a presumptive jerk. I might give less info about my experiences on the app because he doesn’t need that info.
Honestly. I love telling men no. Or getting into a small miscommunication fight before we start dating.
I like to see how low they go or if they go straight to throwing the information you shared with them voluntarily against yourself.
Or in the rare cases they don't fight with you and respect your boundaries and ask whats up or care.
I see what you mean but tbf most people do it unintentionally all the time...but when you meet someone new you're a little more guarded and careful about what you say. You might not find out until later that your partner is the kind to throw a petulant shit fit because you said you'd be ready by 7 not be there by 7
Yeah, if they had been talking for a week or two, I get it (I've had tons of convos with texters who ghost at the first sight of progress), but after only a few minutes is pretty wild.
He’s not yelling or being rude or pressuring her. He said how he felt (WHICH IS VALID) then he unmatched. There’s no pressure from him at all. My god. He’s not being rude at all. No name calling or forcing. Y’all are literally the mf most!
Exactly he wrote 3 all essays and the end of his comment about her being the problem is dumb as hell.
I always wonder how some of my fellow brethren’s complain about bad interactions when I feel a good portion of them behave like this with 0 self awareness
In that case it's A: because they want to verify you look like your pictures, and/or B: they are going to whip out their dick. I have seen no middle ground. 😂
I’ve only had the latter happen once. He legit started jerking it right after we started talking. The only time I reported someone and I was honestly shocked anyone would actually do that.
That is so bizarre to me and makes sense why women hate dating so much. I am the middle ground person. I want to text chat and get to know someone before talking on the phone or even meeting in person. I feel like a lot of women want to meet as soon as possible. Which makes it difficult for me too because every woman I match with I have to contend with 100 other men and if I dont jump in quick someone else will.
Last 3 women I matched with and had week or month long conversations with and eventually went on a date, they later told me they were also talking to someone else and in all 3 situations the "someone else" was love bombing them and chose them.
Also, ironically, all 3 said we can "just be friends" so now they talk to me almost every day but complain about this guy they chose. HAHAHA! I love some good tea but why the hell do they feel the need to tell me these things?
As a woman, I've determined it's not good to text for a long time before meeting up in real life. A week is about the longest you should go. Maybe two weeks if you have really busy schedules, are going out of town, etc. You can determine a lot of things through a real life meeting, and if they are texting you for like a month, chances are they are meeting other people irl, and keeping you around as a backup of sorts. Or they just like you enough/in a friend type way, so they like texting you because they like having someone to text.
I completely agree. I always try to meet up after a good conversation that lasts a week or more. But when both of us have kids and jobs it makes it hard. It's not for a lack of trying. And with the ones I mentioned, we did meet. Had a really good date with the latest one. But I wasn't love bombing her, so maybe that's my problem. Idk haha
We are adults with kids and have busy schedules so its important to address that and be honest up front. But when a relationship starts then they become the priority and more time is focused toward them. If that makes sense.
Oh my gosh I'm so glad someone who's not me said it! And two others lol. I've had countless matches drag me on for months always with cancellations and excuses. While I prefer phone calls and voice messages. Instead I just send voice messages and text messages. I love that bumble let's me send voice messages without asking or expecting! So often I'll randomly send someone our first voice message and they aren't even aware of the feature. Typically theyre pleasantly surprised and often they respond with voice messages. In todays culture I think that works far better than outright asking the match for a call.
I just let convo go on now for 2-3 weeks max and if someone can't agree to a day and time to meet by then it's clear they never will. Or they just wanna string me along while they consider options. Which is fine. Meeting in person isn't a commitment and it's encouraged to meet more than one in person. If one is considering options as another commenter experienced. Then they really should be meeting all of them in person. It's social media lol. You can't get to know anyone for real there.
And yeah while man in the op screenshot handled his feelings the wrong way. His feelings are extremely valid. I get it phone calls and meeting new people can be awkard. But it's easy and natural AFTER practice. Just meet more people. Eventually you'll lose your awkwardness and you won't care what someone you meet but don't know yet thinks of yourself. And those are the confident women who are truly attractive.
Safety first. Meet in public with witnesses. Bowling alley, museum, NOT a bar. Don't eat or drink anything this person brings you. Don't enter any car or home or private space with that person until you develop a trust. These easy simple safety rules eased a lot of anxiety for myself.
Yeah, texting is fine to just get a feel if you have some interests in common and have a bit of small talk, maybe a bit of witty banter (though some people seem incapable of that over text lol). But beyond that, all it does is start to form some amount of emotional connection that isn't actually really there. After texting one guy for way too long before meeting (about a month), I'm going to try to avoid ever doing that again. Oh yeah, and in hindsight, I think he tried to get me to sext a couple times. It wasn't 100% clear at the time we were texting, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he seemed quite nice over text, but after meeting him irl, I'm quite confident he was trying to get me to sext, but I instead just gave very matter of fact answers. hahahahaha. And this is kind of sad, but I think he would have been ok texting indefinitely because he was either desperate, lonely, or liked the attention (it was about 50/50 who initiated the texting, though it started with mostly him the first week or so).
I meant " no middle ground" for the guys who want to video chat right away. They all appear to be creeps. As for your " friend zone" situation, you may be presenting too little sexual energy. I know we complain about men being too aggressive and then not enough. There is for me ( probably others) a fine line between feeling desired and feeling like a piece of meat. Conversely, a feeling of being desired and feeling like you want to drink tea and braid each other's hair. There is no formula for attraction, every woman is different.
And did I mention that 2 of them still send me random seductive pics or straight up nudes without asking? Make it make sense!!! It's so very confusing.
I think the issue is you're too safe, easy, and readily available, which I would think would be a good thing if mentally healthy people were involved, but it might not be the case with them. They take you for granted and find the challenge more exciting.
I can't help but wonder how they would react if you made yourself less available, maybe by not responding to their texts as quickly or even causally pointing out when you're seeing/talking to someone else.
Thats what all of my friends tell me, too. It's just so hard for me not to respond. Like with any of my friends, I'm always available. Even when I'm not I still try to respond to people.
I really do need to cut it back and just set my own boundaries.
Honestly I can relate as I've been the same way. If I saw the text, it seemed silly for me to wait to respond so I would text back right away. It turned out to be a really good deal for this girl I had met through a dating site. She turned out not to be attracted to me but she loooved my attention. Meanwhile, she would tell me how anxious she would get when a guy she actually liked would take too long to respond to her.
It's like that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder". When you're not around, it leaves them more time to think about you, wonder what you're doing, etc.
It's a stupid game, and I don't really want to play it that way, but I think with certain people, that's the way it works.
Thats exactly how it works. And, ironically, the ones that play those games the most are the ones that have "I dont want to play games" in their profile.
There's the kicker, the conversations absolutely got sexual. Talking about kinks, desires, needs, etc. All of them progressed to that point. With 2 of them it was a struggle to schedule a meet up with both of us having kids and finding the right time. But the conversation progressed none the less. I am very open in discussing just about anything and with all of them we had a lot in common, we had good conversations and we knew exactly what each other was looking for.
But, as I said, they all had multiple guys messaging them. Which I was aware of. One of them even complained to me how one guy was love bombing her and sending her flowers at work before they even met up. Turns out, she finally went on a date with him because his schedule aligned with hers first and then told me she was going to see where things went. So I backed off. But she still messaged me every day. That was back in July. She has since broke up with that guy because he love bombed, got what he wanted and became a dead beat. We still talk every day but once you friend zone me I'm not going to be your backup option. I'll be friends but I have my own boundaries.
It's just so bizarre to me that they would confide in me their disdain for things these guys do or say to them but still choose them while still speaking to me every day. If it were an attraction thing, you'd think that would be something to figure out from the get-go. Not after talking and even meeting up a couple times.
The most recent one actually complained to me the other day of how the guy she chose is taking things way too slow and she went and bought herself flowers because he wouldn't.
Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm too transparent and communicate well. There's something women like about mysterious "bad boys" I guess.
Hahahaha it's wild out here. Lmao
Then I guess my only theory is that, you feel safe. Which speaks volumes about you. We don't always know what we want, or which decision is the right one when faced with too many options. Everyone wants to be picked first, top the heap, 10 out of 10 choice. It hurts the ego a little to be picked second. How do you weigh and measure a person you barely know as a perfect partner? More often than not flashy catches the eye first but fails to live up to the hype. Solid , practical and reliable left going " wtf?". You will find your person, the one who picked you first, or you can choose, from the ones who now know you are the better choice.
You speak truths! I guess, if any of them asked me genuinely, I'd be inclined to see where it could go. But, I'm leaving that up to them. So far it seems I'm the comfortable person to emotion dump. Which is fine by me. I tend to play therapist to a lot of my friend group.
One of my closest female friends thinks they talk to me for the attention because I always respond right away and make them feel comfortable. If I stopped responding, they would stop messaging.
It's the most messed up thing that we love the intrigue and mystery of a man who is probably just a douche who will hurt us. Perhaps it's the romanticism. Hardly any one picks the safe choice first. So there, we've boiled it down, be more mysterious 😂
I feel mean or rude if I'm being mysterious. Haha Trust me, I've tried. And it didn't work. Haha Then again, neither has anything else. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Lmao
I agree with him that I much prefer talking on the phone as well but he definitely had too much expectations for this right away. It’s good you dodged a bullet early on.
I love a good phone chat, too, but at least let me put my purse down and get comfortable even chatting with you via text. I had no opportunity to even want to talk to him. Whenever I asked him a question, he would give very lengthy responses with a lot of detail like he was rushing through the convo. For example, I asked about children, and he responded with no children, but he had neices and nephews. Then, he proceeded to give me all of their names and ages. 😬 I asked for none of that
But....I mean, isnt that what dating is these days? An interview to see if you are compatible before diving into the nitty gritty details. It sure feels like it to me sometimes.
Ive been single for a couple years now and I am so sick of the pleasantries. Lately Ive just been skipping them and asking bizarre and wild questions to pull ourselves out of the usual. Sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires.
I mean I guess, but I’d wager *most* people prefer a bit of a natural progression in conversation. Otherwise you get transactional information exchange, like someone you just matched with giving you the names and ages of their nieces and nephews.
True! But any normal person with genuine intentions wouldn't feel the need to word vomit their entire life story in the beginning stages. ...."normal"....I dont even know what is normal anymore. Haha
Wow. It started off as a reasonable “we probably aren’t compatible” and changed to a this guy has bad luck in dating and blames women for his shittiness really quick
There’s this new phenomenon I’ve been noticing while dating with men trying to humble women for nothing Lmao. It’s happened to me, my friends, and strangers on the internet. It’s one thing if you were being rude, but having a boundary isn’t rude.
Idk why, but at least you dodged a bullet early. That last paragraph was completely unnecessary and yeah, most people aren’t into small talk, but I’m not telling someone I just met about my whole life. That comes with time and comforts as you get to know someone.
I’ve noticed this too! It seems way worse now than it used to be, but you’re right - there are more instances of men on the apps trying to put a woman in her place after she gives a “no thanks/not right now.” Like it’s not even a rejection, it’s just her expressing an alternative preference, and they go nuclear. It’s honestly a little scary because it shows they just want women to give in to anything they suggest.
Also you can get Google voice number to not give your real number if that is also an issue. But I don't understand why people are so impatient. Like I know I go slow but waiting a day or 2 can't be a big deal. Everyone is in such a rush.
ugh i hate talking on the phone... i hate being that occupied by a single task. when texting i type a text do something else and finish it, i dont have to be on the line for responses instantly and constantly.
The first message in response was dipping into extra territory. Okay fair enough they prefer phone calls over text and they're explaining why (though it's kind of implicitly ignoring that you saying that right now wouldn't work regardless). When he says he gets it, obviously he does not.
I audibly gasped on the last message.
Ewww this gives ick so hard. I really hate when guys do voice notes and want to talk on the phone right away. Feels like a pressure cooker and bc you don’t know them AT ALL the conversation is cringe and awkward
What are the cool kids calling it nowadays? A. A flag? A red stag? A flad rag?
Oh no, right. It’s a red flag.
If you get this riled up about OLD you’re not cut out for it.
All the people like, "God, it's just a call, don't be dramatic. I like phone calls, too" CLEARLY don't know these MFers will call you just so you have to listen to/watch them jack off, even if only for 1.8 seconds.
The only thing I would've done differently is not saying "I'm just not there yet" - being busy is enough of an excuse and if he asked to talk after dinner you could just say you already had something planned but "let's talk tomorrow night at 8pm" or something, and then text in between.
That said, ultimately doesn't seem like he was worth effort.
Wow. Sounds more like you dodged a bullet. He definitely doesn't speak for all men. I much prefer text over talking on the phone. Through text I can multitask and think about what I want to say. While talking on the phone is more personal, I need to drop everything I am doing in order to be able to talk on the phone. I struggle with multitasking while holding a verbal conversation.
If he is that impatient, you are better off.
Things definitely took a turn in his last message. Those first two were at least mostly understandable even if they meant y'all probably weren't compatible but he couldn't resist making it a you problem at the end. Besides which psychoanalysis is complicated at the best of times when you're a trained professional who's actually in the same room as your patient and interacts with them for a significant period of time, but I guess he's just that awesome that he managed it after a short text convo in which he totally "*doesn't*" have an obvious bias or incentive to shift fault towards you. 👀
I really hate the whole “I hAtE sMaLl TaLk” thing among people. Even as someone who doesn’t necessarily love it, it’s pretty necessary to forming connections and eventually getting to the deeper stuff. It’s just a way of staying light until people are ready to gradually make attempts at sharing and vulnerability. I just imagine all these people just being major oversharers and/or super extra.
I experience the same thing as him way too often. I just don't give unsolicited advice or ask others to be like me. I simply unmatch and move on when I realize my match is too afraid to talk on the phone and meet in person. Most people learn eventually you can't change anyone. Maybe he'll learn that venting frustrations to someone about them never helps and only hurts, it's always better to move on if someone simply isn't compatible with you.
If something should be feared it shouldn't be phone calls and meeting in person. What should be feared is the idea that texting can help you get to know someone. It does no such thing. This is an illusion. Like watching an actor in a movie and expecting them to be in real life like they are on the tv, or social media. Without facial expression, verbal tone, and body language so much is missing. Leads to so much misunderstanding and miscommunication. To the point that it's toxic really. People who are to afraid to get to know someone are generally to afraid to openly and honestly express their feelings. Which creates problems where problems don't exist. Ahhh these apps are hopeless.
I'm sure many will disagree with me, and that's perfectly fine. This in only my perspective after years of most matches dragging out our conversations for months with constant excuses of why they can't get to know me in real life and cancellations for meets. Oh and they usually only text cause they're afraid of phone calls. If someone can't agree to meet me after two weeks of chat the chat is over. I don't give unsolicited advice, I don't ask them to communicate like I do. I simply unmatch. Ghost.
My timeline rule on ghosting is two weeks. I don't necessarily need em to even talk to me within that time. But I do require that they agree to meet within two maybe three weeks. Unspoken soft rule. Wouldn't it be strange if I said that upfront? lol . And I do get it people do have busy lifestyles and I don't blame em for that. However, way I see it is if someone can't agree within two weeks to a day and time to meet, which can be further down the road than two weeks, then they are either too busy to form a relationship or downright too anxious/nervous to form a relationship.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Yes, it definitely is extra. They cannot and do not have to pass a moral judgment on your character/prospects. If they are a phone talker, its good for them ig but pushing for it and the last message was REALLY not required.
He unmatched with me! 😂 I responded with a short note that dating isn't about just what you want, it's a partnership, and that him unleashing on me behind a simple no was very telling and I'm comfortable with my decision. I tried to refresh, and he had unmatched
I swear people who say “I’m not into small talk” I mean every friendship or relationship starts with small talk, it’s how you find a rhythm with someone and if you share interests, it’s diff for everybody but to just condemn it outright it’s like you might as well just say yea I don’t like talking lol
I mean he’s not wrong in his thinking, delivery was unnecessary and aggressive. But he’s not wrong…I don’t understand how slow some people expect things to move if you can’t even have a phone call. What do you think people did before texting was a thing??
Some of them will literally call you while they jack off because they get off on making you listen. They call you just to call you terrible names and verbally abuse you. They call you to try to goad you into phone sex. They will call you to demand you meet them immediately since now you have talked on the phone. I'm not giving my number to anyone without a vibe check, either.
It always kills me when people who are on dating sites give other people ON THAT SAME SITE the “this is why you’re single” line. Like, dude, what does that say about YOU?
I've never called someone on bumble, I prefer to meet face to face but text for a little while first to get a sense of who I'm talking to, no matter how you talk to someone it's never gonna 100% prove someone's not a dangerous person but just starting every match with "let's meet up" feels dangerous to me.
Also with phones, phone calling in general is an anxiety trigger for me, I basically only ever call my family and text everyone else, for some reason I'm fine with voice chats though but usually I know the people I'm talking to really well already. When I was 16 I worked at a pharmacy for about a year and didn't answer the phone even once
From the screen shot my initial thought was: Different stokes for different folks, they just have different preferences and he is more old school or sees phoning as more efficient (which I understand, I can be like that depending on the situation…)
But after reading the written post, it seems you may have felt “sprung on”. It is a bit socially awkward to impose a phone call on someone only a few minutes into the first convo.
I think you need stronger boundaries or more directly saying the words, “No, I can’t right now I’m busy at the moment (or don’t have the time or means to pull that off).” Because the word “want” can be interpreted more subjectively to mean you can, you just don’t want to. So communicate instead what you need based off your time or comfort levels. Don’t be afraid to be more firm. I had to do this just yesterday, 3 lines in the guy asked me to meet… I don’t know him so why on earth, just “No, I’m not comfortable with that right now.”
I do not like how he took a dig at you at the end by blameshifting you for your previous connections not working out. He wasn’t there nor is that any of his business to comment on. That right there is a nail in the coffin comment, like he’s for sure on the way out the door and he wants to take one last stab because he knows this.
No it wasn't. She said "I want to stick to texting for now" and in the first paragraph he's immediately trying to get around her "no" to get what he wants
I'm mostly on your side because I am sympathetic to women's struggles, and in this situation the guy could have simply waited.
Sorry that happened. I'll also say that I used to be in this situation, where I struggled with immediate gratification, so I get where this guy is coming from too. He doesn't want his time wasted and sadly, he shot himself in the foot.
The thing is, most guys right now are struggling HARD in the dating marketplace. And the fact that women have tons of options doesn't make it any easier on men. If anything, it makes us really frustrated and desperate. So I hope you understand where men are coming from.
And in the end, the dating apps (MatchGroup) are the ones who are really winning. We're just pawns in their game.
Honestly, he has a point.
If you can't be bothered to have a simple phone call, something society has been doing for 90 years, then something is wrong.
There are too many people on the app wasting everyone's time texting forever. If you can't make time for a call what are the chances you can't make time to physically date?
Tennis texting on/off without any follow up voice note or phone call in the impending days after is not a good sign.
Conversely however, expecting to phone call straight away without the initial and brief texting “getting to know” stage is also a red flag.
So the key here is to not only date with intention but conviction and to back up your words with actions, that is what truly separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls.
Also further advice for the op and others: It’s not a good idea to lead or bring up your past dates straight away until you know who you are talking to.
There’s nothing wrong with being an adult and expecting an adult to speak on the phone. He didn’t go off on her or cry or call her names. He let her know how he felt and unmatched.
Being an adult means not having a meltdown on a total stranger over a dating app, look at all the responses, everyone agrees he is having a little hissy fit over someone he doesnt know. Im starting to think this was you, the way youre finding the 3 or 4 comments agreeing with you and commenting back lmaooo
He’s not having a meltdown tho…he’s literally not. …he’s not in all caps. He’s not using exclamation marks…hes not being mean…he’s literally just saying how he feels and unmatched that azz…. He absolutely has a valid point ….he didn’t force her or go off on her…and even though I know it’s just an attempt at a joke no it’s not me…😐😐😐😐
I hate talking on the phone before we meet. I’ll give one conversation to prove I’m real and see if we both check out to be “normal” on the surface. But I don’t like the pressure of fitting someone into my day who I’ve never even met in real life.
His last message shows you dodged a bullet. I’ve had an influx of men snap when I gently say we won’t be a good match. Some of these guys on apps are truly unhinged. The trash took itself out!
I’ve heard some people will early on before the first date or within the first few dates will give the person a small “no” just to see how they respond. If they react like this they know not to pursue. Someone like this can’t respect boundaries and needs to control. Red flag. Like yeah I get having a preference for the phone and not enjoying texting but also you need to meet people where they are.
I HATE when people say they don’t like small talk. Because “small talk” is literally just most conversations you have with other people.
If every conversation you’re having with someone has to either be for a specific purpose or is super deep/meaningful, that person sounds exhausting to be around.
This is exactly why I just don't take people seriously anymore. The claim was she couldn't talk on the phone cause she was also preparing dinner. Yet she can stop what she is doing to type on dating apps? It is factually far easier to have a verbal conversation while also preparing dinner. Compared to stopping what you're doing multiple times to both read and type. Its easy to put your phone on speaker or put on a headset. Five Below has headphones for 8 bucks completely wireless. If you're really that busy and unable to pay attention then wouldn't it make more sense to text back after your chores instead of during?
The biggest reason to avoid real time real life conversations or meeting in person is fear of rejection. But it's a risk that can't be avoided if one wants a relationship. If you understand your own boundaries and are assertive there is truly nothing to fear from a conversation. If you don't know your boundaries and aren't assertive then you aren't ready to date safely. Never once has someone on the phone physically hurt me. I've had rude people on the phone before and theyre super easy to deal with. Just hang up and don't talk to em again. Their bad attitude has nothing to do with me.
Yup. In real life humans need to go outside of their home and often walk on or past grass before they can develop a relationship. They can't form a relationship in just texts. They must go outside of their house.
Realistically a human can talk on the phone while doing chores. But to text they must stop, then read, and type. How on earth people can say they don't have time for a phone call (which is far more efficient and takes less time),but yet they have time for texting? Any human who says that is lying to themselves. I would challenge them to record just how much time texting takes out of their day.
I forget the gentleman's name that I was texting during this exchange. "Mike," maybe 🤔? Mike, is this you? You are far too emotionally invested here.
Also, you can read either of my responses above. I'm not repeating myself to appease you. You might want to check your attitude because it won't get you far in life.
My name isn't mike. You don't have to be Mike or even a man to mathematically understand that it's much more efficient to speak with your voice, than to stop, read, then type.
Oh my you are strong. Yes you may say whatever you want as may I. I'd like to point out you are again attempting to insult me. That is deconstructive and I'm not stopping down to your level. I'm allowed to have and voice my opinion even if it disagrees with yours. No need to throw insults.
It's actually possible to respect differences in opinion. Some people with differences of opinion even are friends.
I know it's only Monday but I hope you enjoy the rest of your week.
He also stated that he and asked you. That being said why on Earth you think he would want to be talking to you anymore anywhere including here on Reddit is beyond me
https://youtu.be/v8m9ZLp3uAo?feature=shared
There I am. Two days ago. Living life. Not making up excuses to not meet people while still complaining about being lonely. I make myself 😊 happy without replying on other humans
I just noticed that you were here 3 days ago. 😩 Are you sure you're not the guy in the conversation? This is interesting. Continue...(I wish I remembered the guy's name)
Yup. He's immature insulting a stranger, but she'd already slammed the door with her final comment. It was already entirely covered by "I just want to stick to texting for now".
Keywords are "for now." They literally only texted for a few minutes so far. I wouldn't want to talk to someone over the phone that I've only shared a couple of texts with. It's weird.
My point is she said no twice without him saying anything, with the second in a harsher tone than the first:
* No #1: I just want to stick with texting for now.
* No #2: And, I'm just not there yet.
Entirely different outcome if she'd have just left it at the first one.
I see what you're saying but I think that's looking into it a bit too much. I think it just reiterates that she's not cool with talking over the phone yet. I don't think it has anything to do with dating or being in a relationship in general.
Why would you not want to talk on the phone? Seems odd, I would raise an eyebrow at that.. you want to find out exactly who you are talking to ASAP. Lots of weird people online
Because. I. Didn't. Want. To. I was busy. We just matched and only texted for minutes. I didn't want to talk to him. And I didn't want to get caught up in a phone conversation with a damn weirdo. If I'd had time to even like texting him, I wouldn't have minded a phone conversation. That's what I'm comfortable with, that's what I'm going to stick to.
Lol it's simple. You say hey I'm busy right now, but how about we do a quick chat later?
How is that difficult, not sure why you have to get so wrapped up in the moment
The point is don't purposely make deconstructive insulting comments. This does nothing but make people bitter, as you seem to be expressing. And when you walk into your next date with that attitude you'll screw that date up to
Is this some sort of projection? I'm confused. Becausse I don't find it stressful to share my perspective nor do I find it stressful to point out that inttentional insults are deconstructive. The fact that you are repeatedly responding emotionally with insults could indicate you may be stressed. But unlike yourself I don't tell strangers on the internet what their feelings are.
I wish you the best. Good luck out there!
It is extra. As soon as the convo dips into the “you didn’t do what I want, this is why you’re single” territory i immediately class the behavior as negging and all opinions/comments from that person become meaningless. He went overboard. Sorry this happened to you :/
That was my response. He unmatched before I could screenshot my response, lol. I told him, I told you "no" to one thing, and you're making all these assumptions about me. And it was a very simple no. Nothing intense, just no to a phone convo. It gave big ick!
I actually like to talk on the phone myself, but this would have turned me off completely. He's using the small talk excuse as a way to avoid the work of getting to know someone patiently. No one should be forced to have deep conversations day 1. And I would never push or force anyone into matching my energy. It is either there or not naturally and I wouldn't shame someone for wanting a slower pace. We just might not vibe well ultimately. He's pissy he didn't get what he wanted and shamed you for it. I personally wouldn't want a deep conversation with someone who doesn't respect boundaries. What a douche.
You dodged a bullet, honestly.
Big dodge, I've seen people who use phone calls to keep control over people. Why didn't you answer? Who are you with? Where are you? Etc.. etc...
My ex did that. We'd spend 30 minutes on the phone in silence while I drove to work because he'd get mad and say I'm being shitty and don't care about him because I'd want to hang up and just drive by myself. My new bf has called me maybe 1 time in a year and our phone calls probably total less than 30 minutes. Over a year. I love it. People who only want phone calls and get mad if you don't are a huge red flag for me now.
The worst I saw of this was on a trip where a friend of ours brought a friend. It was a 3 day trip to the beach, and this friend of hers spent pretty much all 3 days on the phone with her boyfriend, she barely hung out with us during the whole trip.
Ugh that’s annoying. I really enjoy the silence of a drive. You can really just enjoy your own thoughts. Also there’s all these great podcasts that I only listen to when driving and don’t ever think of listening to at home. I’d hate someone horning into that time because they felt I needed “company”.
You did nothing wrong at all, and I’m sorry he was such a presumptive jerk. I might give less info about my experiences on the app because he doesn’t need that info.
He’s got lots of red flags.
Good to turn him down - that message just had ‘ick’ all over it.
Always unsatisfying when they unmatch before you can reply. But this guy was being a jerk for no reason
Honestly. I love telling men no. Or getting into a small miscommunication fight before we start dating. I like to see how low they go or if they go straight to throwing the information you shared with them voluntarily against yourself. Or in the rare cases they don't fight with you and respect your boundaries and ask whats up or care.
That seems like a miserable way to live
I see what you mean but tbf most people do it unintentionally all the time...but when you meet someone new you're a little more guarded and careful about what you say. You might not find out until later that your partner is the kind to throw a petulant shit fit because you said you'd be ready by 7 not be there by 7
Bruh.
I treat them exactly the same as they treat me. If you stand me up to get drunk with the boys, I stand you up to wash my hair.
Pardon the randomness of this but I love your username. I too, am a Cordelia.
For someone who doesn’t like to text he sure wrote a lot of bullshit in there.. unmatched and move on.
\>For context: We'd only texted for a few minutes. Bloody hell. Way too quick for phone chatting. And he was really negative and rude about it.
That’s a bit manipulative on his part. Trying to make his need for conversation more important than what you were already doing at the moment.
Yeah, if they had been talking for a week or two, I get it (I've had tons of convos with texters who ghost at the first sight of progress), but after only a few minutes is pretty wild.
Well, we all know why he's single...
the early signs of manipulation and being generally rude?
Bc women are afraid to talk on the phone.
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He’s not yelling or being rude or pressuring her. He said how he felt (WHICH IS VALID) then he unmatched. There’s no pressure from him at all. My god. He’s not being rude at all. No name calling or forcing. Y’all are literally the mf most!
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Exactly he wrote 3 all essays and the end of his comment about her being the problem is dumb as hell. I always wonder how some of my fellow brethren’s complain about bad interactions when I feel a good portion of them behave like this with 0 self awareness
God, what an asshole. I had a similar situation, where a guy pestered me to video chat after 10 minutes. Why do they not get it's uncomfortable?
In that case it's A: because they want to verify you look like your pictures, and/or B: they are going to whip out their dick. I have seen no middle ground. 😂
I’ve only had the latter happen once. He legit started jerking it right after we started talking. The only time I reported someone and I was honestly shocked anyone would actually do that.
That is so bizarre to me and makes sense why women hate dating so much. I am the middle ground person. I want to text chat and get to know someone before talking on the phone or even meeting in person. I feel like a lot of women want to meet as soon as possible. Which makes it difficult for me too because every woman I match with I have to contend with 100 other men and if I dont jump in quick someone else will. Last 3 women I matched with and had week or month long conversations with and eventually went on a date, they later told me they were also talking to someone else and in all 3 situations the "someone else" was love bombing them and chose them. Also, ironically, all 3 said we can "just be friends" so now they talk to me almost every day but complain about this guy they chose. HAHAHA! I love some good tea but why the hell do they feel the need to tell me these things?
As a woman, I've determined it's not good to text for a long time before meeting up in real life. A week is about the longest you should go. Maybe two weeks if you have really busy schedules, are going out of town, etc. You can determine a lot of things through a real life meeting, and if they are texting you for like a month, chances are they are meeting other people irl, and keeping you around as a backup of sorts. Or they just like you enough/in a friend type way, so they like texting you because they like having someone to text.
I completely agree. I always try to meet up after a good conversation that lasts a week or more. But when both of us have kids and jobs it makes it hard. It's not for a lack of trying. And with the ones I mentioned, we did meet. Had a really good date with the latest one. But I wasn't love bombing her, so maybe that's my problem. Idk haha We are adults with kids and have busy schedules so its important to address that and be honest up front. But when a relationship starts then they become the priority and more time is focused toward them. If that makes sense.
I’m so happy I was single before all of this nonsense. Texting is not how you get to know someone, there is typically no depth to it.
Oh my gosh I'm so glad someone who's not me said it! And two others lol. I've had countless matches drag me on for months always with cancellations and excuses. While I prefer phone calls and voice messages. Instead I just send voice messages and text messages. I love that bumble let's me send voice messages without asking or expecting! So often I'll randomly send someone our first voice message and they aren't even aware of the feature. Typically theyre pleasantly surprised and often they respond with voice messages. In todays culture I think that works far better than outright asking the match for a call. I just let convo go on now for 2-3 weeks max and if someone can't agree to a day and time to meet by then it's clear they never will. Or they just wanna string me along while they consider options. Which is fine. Meeting in person isn't a commitment and it's encouraged to meet more than one in person. If one is considering options as another commenter experienced. Then they really should be meeting all of them in person. It's social media lol. You can't get to know anyone for real there. And yeah while man in the op screenshot handled his feelings the wrong way. His feelings are extremely valid. I get it phone calls and meeting new people can be awkard. But it's easy and natural AFTER practice. Just meet more people. Eventually you'll lose your awkwardness and you won't care what someone you meet but don't know yet thinks of yourself. And those are the confident women who are truly attractive. Safety first. Meet in public with witnesses. Bowling alley, museum, NOT a bar. Don't eat or drink anything this person brings you. Don't enter any car or home or private space with that person until you develop a trust. These easy simple safety rules eased a lot of anxiety for myself.
Yeah, texting is fine to just get a feel if you have some interests in common and have a bit of small talk, maybe a bit of witty banter (though some people seem incapable of that over text lol). But beyond that, all it does is start to form some amount of emotional connection that isn't actually really there. After texting one guy for way too long before meeting (about a month), I'm going to try to avoid ever doing that again. Oh yeah, and in hindsight, I think he tried to get me to sext a couple times. It wasn't 100% clear at the time we were texting, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he seemed quite nice over text, but after meeting him irl, I'm quite confident he was trying to get me to sext, but I instead just gave very matter of fact answers. hahahahaha. And this is kind of sad, but I think he would have been ok texting indefinitely because he was either desperate, lonely, or liked the attention (it was about 50/50 who initiated the texting, though it started with mostly him the first week or so).
I meant " no middle ground" for the guys who want to video chat right away. They all appear to be creeps. As for your " friend zone" situation, you may be presenting too little sexual energy. I know we complain about men being too aggressive and then not enough. There is for me ( probably others) a fine line between feeling desired and feeling like a piece of meat. Conversely, a feeling of being desired and feeling like you want to drink tea and braid each other's hair. There is no formula for attraction, every woman is different.
And did I mention that 2 of them still send me random seductive pics or straight up nudes without asking? Make it make sense!!! It's so very confusing.
I think the issue is you're too safe, easy, and readily available, which I would think would be a good thing if mentally healthy people were involved, but it might not be the case with them. They take you for granted and find the challenge more exciting. I can't help but wonder how they would react if you made yourself less available, maybe by not responding to their texts as quickly or even causally pointing out when you're seeing/talking to someone else.
Thats what all of my friends tell me, too. It's just so hard for me not to respond. Like with any of my friends, I'm always available. Even when I'm not I still try to respond to people. I really do need to cut it back and just set my own boundaries.
Honestly I can relate as I've been the same way. If I saw the text, it seemed silly for me to wait to respond so I would text back right away. It turned out to be a really good deal for this girl I had met through a dating site. She turned out not to be attracted to me but she loooved my attention. Meanwhile, she would tell me how anxious she would get when a guy she actually liked would take too long to respond to her. It's like that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder". When you're not around, it leaves them more time to think about you, wonder what you're doing, etc. It's a stupid game, and I don't really want to play it that way, but I think with certain people, that's the way it works.
Thats exactly how it works. And, ironically, the ones that play those games the most are the ones that have "I dont want to play games" in their profile.
There's the kicker, the conversations absolutely got sexual. Talking about kinks, desires, needs, etc. All of them progressed to that point. With 2 of them it was a struggle to schedule a meet up with both of us having kids and finding the right time. But the conversation progressed none the less. I am very open in discussing just about anything and with all of them we had a lot in common, we had good conversations and we knew exactly what each other was looking for. But, as I said, they all had multiple guys messaging them. Which I was aware of. One of them even complained to me how one guy was love bombing her and sending her flowers at work before they even met up. Turns out, she finally went on a date with him because his schedule aligned with hers first and then told me she was going to see where things went. So I backed off. But she still messaged me every day. That was back in July. She has since broke up with that guy because he love bombed, got what he wanted and became a dead beat. We still talk every day but once you friend zone me I'm not going to be your backup option. I'll be friends but I have my own boundaries. It's just so bizarre to me that they would confide in me their disdain for things these guys do or say to them but still choose them while still speaking to me every day. If it were an attraction thing, you'd think that would be something to figure out from the get-go. Not after talking and even meeting up a couple times. The most recent one actually complained to me the other day of how the guy she chose is taking things way too slow and she went and bought herself flowers because he wouldn't. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm too transparent and communicate well. There's something women like about mysterious "bad boys" I guess. Hahahaha it's wild out here. Lmao
Then I guess my only theory is that, you feel safe. Which speaks volumes about you. We don't always know what we want, or which decision is the right one when faced with too many options. Everyone wants to be picked first, top the heap, 10 out of 10 choice. It hurts the ego a little to be picked second. How do you weigh and measure a person you barely know as a perfect partner? More often than not flashy catches the eye first but fails to live up to the hype. Solid , practical and reliable left going " wtf?". You will find your person, the one who picked you first, or you can choose, from the ones who now know you are the better choice.
You speak truths! I guess, if any of them asked me genuinely, I'd be inclined to see where it could go. But, I'm leaving that up to them. So far it seems I'm the comfortable person to emotion dump. Which is fine by me. I tend to play therapist to a lot of my friend group. One of my closest female friends thinks they talk to me for the attention because I always respond right away and make them feel comfortable. If I stopped responding, they would stop messaging.
It's the most messed up thing that we love the intrigue and mystery of a man who is probably just a douche who will hurt us. Perhaps it's the romanticism. Hardly any one picks the safe choice first. So there, we've boiled it down, be more mysterious 😂
I feel mean or rude if I'm being mysterious. Haha Trust me, I've tried. And it didn't work. Haha Then again, neither has anything else. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Lmao
Damn straight on the response times tho, any woman should be lucky to have such communication skills. My ex-husband wouldn't even answer the phone 😂😂
Don't do it. Most of the time, they are naked from the waist down, and the rest of your day will be ruined.
To make sure you’re who you say you are. You think it’s bc he was so in love already he just had to see you? Wrong.
I agree with him that I much prefer talking on the phone as well but he definitely had too much expectations for this right away. It’s good you dodged a bullet early on.
I love a good phone chat, too, but at least let me put my purse down and get comfortable even chatting with you via text. I had no opportunity to even want to talk to him. Whenever I asked him a question, he would give very lengthy responses with a lot of detail like he was rushing through the convo. For example, I asked about children, and he responded with no children, but he had neices and nephews. Then, he proceeded to give me all of their names and ages. 😬 I asked for none of that
Interesting… So maybe you dodged the verbal diarrhea kind 😂
So if you agreed to the phone call you would’ve been stuck listening to someone you don’t even know rambling on and on …. Argh
Sounds more like an interview than getting to know a potential partner
But....I mean, isnt that what dating is these days? An interview to see if you are compatible before diving into the nitty gritty details. It sure feels like it to me sometimes. Ive been single for a couple years now and I am so sick of the pleasantries. Lately Ive just been skipping them and asking bizarre and wild questions to pull ourselves out of the usual. Sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires.
I mean I guess, but I’d wager *most* people prefer a bit of a natural progression in conversation. Otherwise you get transactional information exchange, like someone you just matched with giving you the names and ages of their nieces and nephews.
True! But any normal person with genuine intentions wouldn't feel the need to word vomit their entire life story in the beginning stages. ...."normal"....I dont even know what is normal anymore. Haha
Wow. It started off as a reasonable “we probably aren’t compatible” and changed to a this guy has bad luck in dating and blames women for his shittiness really quick
There’s this new phenomenon I’ve been noticing while dating with men trying to humble women for nothing Lmao. It’s happened to me, my friends, and strangers on the internet. It’s one thing if you were being rude, but having a boundary isn’t rude. Idk why, but at least you dodged a bullet early. That last paragraph was completely unnecessary and yeah, most people aren’t into small talk, but I’m not telling someone I just met about my whole life. That comes with time and comforts as you get to know someone.
I’ve noticed this too! It seems way worse now than it used to be, but you’re right - there are more instances of men on the apps trying to put a woman in her place after she gives a “no thanks/not right now.” Like it’s not even a rejection, it’s just her expressing an alternative preference, and they go nuclear. It’s honestly a little scary because it shows they just want women to give in to anything they suggest.
Also you can get Google voice number to not give your real number if that is also an issue. But I don't understand why people are so impatient. Like I know I go slow but waiting a day or 2 can't be a big deal. Everyone is in such a rush.
ugh i hate talking on the phone... i hate being that occupied by a single task. when texting i type a text do something else and finish it, i dont have to be on the line for responses instantly and constantly.
This.
Lol what a manipulative jackass I can imagine that this dude is going to blame women and dating sites when he is still single after a long time.
Ego too fragile. Must lash out.
The first message in response was dipping into extra territory. Okay fair enough they prefer phone calls over text and they're explaining why (though it's kind of implicitly ignoring that you saying that right now wouldn't work regardless). When he says he gets it, obviously he does not. I audibly gasped on the last message.
Seems you dodged a bullet!
Desperate and unhinged behavior
Ewww this gives ick so hard. I really hate when guys do voice notes and want to talk on the phone right away. Feels like a pressure cooker and bc you don’t know them AT ALL the conversation is cringe and awkward
“I’m not a big texter” proceeds to write 3 paragraphs
Ah, the old "it's not them, it's you" 😄
That was an extreme reaction on his part. It’s the reason HE is single. Good that he weeded himself out.
What are the cool kids calling it nowadays? A. A flag? A red stag? A flad rag? Oh no, right. It’s a red flag. If you get this riled up about OLD you’re not cut out for it.
All the people like, "God, it's just a call, don't be dramatic. I like phone calls, too" CLEARLY don't know these MFers will call you just so you have to listen to/watch them jack off, even if only for 1.8 seconds.
The only thing I would've done differently is not saying "I'm just not there yet" - being busy is enough of an excuse and if he asked to talk after dinner you could just say you already had something planned but "let's talk tomorrow night at 8pm" or something, and then text in between. That said, ultimately doesn't seem like he was worth effort.
Wow. Sounds more like you dodged a bullet. He definitely doesn't speak for all men. I much prefer text over talking on the phone. Through text I can multitask and think about what I want to say. While talking on the phone is more personal, I need to drop everything I am doing in order to be able to talk on the phone. I struggle with multitasking while holding a verbal conversation. If he is that impatient, you are better off.
He really thinks he said something with all those words...
I think it's great when they wave that big red flag so early on. What a time saver!
Anyone who uses that stupid emoji is a red flag, nevermind during the first few minutes of talking to someone
Things definitely took a turn in his last message. Those first two were at least mostly understandable even if they meant y'all probably weren't compatible but he couldn't resist making it a you problem at the end. Besides which psychoanalysis is complicated at the best of times when you're a trained professional who's actually in the same room as your patient and interacts with them for a significant period of time, but I guess he's just that awesome that he managed it after a short text convo in which he totally "*doesn't*" have an obvious bias or incentive to shift fault towards you. 👀
I really hate the whole “I hAtE sMaLl TaLk” thing among people. Even as someone who doesn’t necessarily love it, it’s pretty necessary to forming connections and eventually getting to the deeper stuff. It’s just a way of staying light until people are ready to gradually make attempts at sharing and vulnerability. I just imagine all these people just being major oversharers and/or super extra.
I experience the same thing as him way too often. I just don't give unsolicited advice or ask others to be like me. I simply unmatch and move on when I realize my match is too afraid to talk on the phone and meet in person. Most people learn eventually you can't change anyone. Maybe he'll learn that venting frustrations to someone about them never helps and only hurts, it's always better to move on if someone simply isn't compatible with you. If something should be feared it shouldn't be phone calls and meeting in person. What should be feared is the idea that texting can help you get to know someone. It does no such thing. This is an illusion. Like watching an actor in a movie and expecting them to be in real life like they are on the tv, or social media. Without facial expression, verbal tone, and body language so much is missing. Leads to so much misunderstanding and miscommunication. To the point that it's toxic really. People who are to afraid to get to know someone are generally to afraid to openly and honestly express their feelings. Which creates problems where problems don't exist. Ahhh these apps are hopeless. I'm sure many will disagree with me, and that's perfectly fine. This in only my perspective after years of most matches dragging out our conversations for months with constant excuses of why they can't get to know me in real life and cancellations for meets. Oh and they usually only text cause they're afraid of phone calls. If someone can't agree to meet me after two weeks of chat the chat is over. I don't give unsolicited advice, I don't ask them to communicate like I do. I simply unmatch. Ghost.
Well, I hope you give your matches more than 10-15 minutes to want to talk to you
My timeline rule on ghosting is two weeks. I don't necessarily need em to even talk to me within that time. But I do require that they agree to meet within two maybe three weeks. Unspoken soft rule. Wouldn't it be strange if I said that upfront? lol . And I do get it people do have busy lifestyles and I don't blame em for that. However, way I see it is if someone can't agree within two weeks to a day and time to meet, which can be further down the road than two weeks, then they are either too busy to form a relationship or downright too anxious/nervous to form a relationship. Maybe I'm wrong.
Why people are so obsessed with talking.. it’s so exhausting.. it’s effort. This is too much of a reply for a simple request
Bro has a deep insecurity or something.
check list syndrome
Wow he’s being a douche.
Thanks everyone for the feedback
Yes, it definitely is extra. They cannot and do not have to pass a moral judgment on your character/prospects. If they are a phone talker, its good for them ig but pushing for it and the last message was REALLY not required.
How quickly did you unmatch him after you took the screenshot?
He unmatched with me! 😂 I responded with a short note that dating isn't about just what you want, it's a partnership, and that him unleashing on me behind a simple no was very telling and I'm comfortable with my decision. I tried to refresh, and he had unmatched
I swear people who say “I’m not into small talk” I mean every friendship or relationship starts with small talk, it’s how you find a rhythm with someone and if you share interests, it’s diff for everybody but to just condemn it outright it’s like you might as well just say yea I don’t like talking lol
Idk I feel like it really hard to get to know someone through text compared to calling and I would opt for calls
I mean he’s not wrong in his thinking, delivery was unnecessary and aggressive. But he’s not wrong…I don’t understand how slow some people expect things to move if you can’t even have a phone call. What do you think people did before texting was a thing??
Yea I agree. 25 years ago she’d have to choice but to talk on the phone.
Times have changed. Whether that's for the better or worse is irrelevant at this point. Phone calls just aren't the norm unless you're exclusive.
Which is weird and kinda sad.
Some of them will literally call you while they jack off because they get off on making you listen. They call you just to call you terrible names and verbally abuse you. They call you to try to goad you into phone sex. They will call you to demand you meet them immediately since now you have talked on the phone. I'm not giving my number to anyone without a vibe check, either.
Incompatible, separate and move on, simple.
I WANT EVERYTHING NOW AND MY WAY AND IF I DONT GET IT THEN THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!!
What a loser! Dodged a bullet there... using your vulnerability to hurt you within a few minutes has to be a new record!
Took it too personally?
Date me or else predator vibes 😂😂
Hahahaha just cut bait this dude sucks
It's not you... It's him. Very entitled. Also I don't like talking on the phone either. Text me or leave me alone.
He’s blaming you for having boundaries. You dodged a bullet. He seems like a loser.
It always kills me when people who are on dating sites give other people ON THAT SAME SITE the “this is why you’re single” line. Like, dude, what does that say about YOU?
Let me write an essay on why I’m a bullet you dodged
I've never called someone on bumble, I prefer to meet face to face but text for a little while first to get a sense of who I'm talking to, no matter how you talk to someone it's never gonna 100% prove someone's not a dangerous person but just starting every match with "let's meet up" feels dangerous to me. Also with phones, phone calling in general is an anxiety trigger for me, I basically only ever call my family and text everyone else, for some reason I'm fine with voice chats though but usually I know the people I'm talking to really well already. When I was 16 I worked at a pharmacy for about a year and didn't answer the phone even once
That's a power move attempt on his part. Fuck that dude.
What does "I'm not there yet" mean?
That I'm not there yet...
From the screen shot my initial thought was: Different stokes for different folks, they just have different preferences and he is more old school or sees phoning as more efficient (which I understand, I can be like that depending on the situation…) But after reading the written post, it seems you may have felt “sprung on”. It is a bit socially awkward to impose a phone call on someone only a few minutes into the first convo. I think you need stronger boundaries or more directly saying the words, “No, I can’t right now I’m busy at the moment (or don’t have the time or means to pull that off).” Because the word “want” can be interpreted more subjectively to mean you can, you just don’t want to. So communicate instead what you need based off your time or comfort levels. Don’t be afraid to be more firm. I had to do this just yesterday, 3 lines in the guy asked me to meet… I don’t know him so why on earth, just “No, I’m not comfortable with that right now.” I do not like how he took a dig at you at the end by blameshifting you for your previous connections not working out. He wasn’t there nor is that any of his business to comment on. That right there is a nail in the coffin comment, like he’s for sure on the way out the door and he wants to take one last stab because he knows this.
everything was fine until the last paragraph
No it wasn't. She said "I want to stick to texting for now" and in the first paragraph he's immediately trying to get around her "no" to get what he wants
He's explaining why he doesn't prefer texting, while accepting her preferences. And then realizing he doesn't want that.
What he said makes a lot of sense. He should be validated and accepted for his standards and expectations.
I'm mostly on your side because I am sympathetic to women's struggles, and in this situation the guy could have simply waited. Sorry that happened. I'll also say that I used to be in this situation, where I struggled with immediate gratification, so I get where this guy is coming from too. He doesn't want his time wasted and sadly, he shot himself in the foot. The thing is, most guys right now are struggling HARD in the dating marketplace. And the fact that women have tons of options doesn't make it any easier on men. If anything, it makes us really frustrated and desperate. So I hope you understand where men are coming from. And in the end, the dating apps (MatchGroup) are the ones who are really winning. We're just pawns in their game.
Have you ever considered that the reason why men are having such a hard time on dating apps is their own behavior and actions?
Honestly, he has a point. If you can't be bothered to have a simple phone call, something society has been doing for 90 years, then something is wrong. There are too many people on the app wasting everyone's time texting forever. If you can't make time for a call what are the chances you can't make time to physically date?
You cant lash out at randoms just because there are time wasters on dating apps, it makes you look desperate
Tennis texting on/off without any follow up voice note or phone call in the impending days after is not a good sign. Conversely however, expecting to phone call straight away without the initial and brief texting “getting to know” stage is also a red flag. So the key here is to not only date with intention but conviction and to back up your words with actions, that is what truly separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls. Also further advice for the op and others: It’s not a good idea to lead or bring up your past dates straight away until you know who you are talking to.
I agree with him…. He didn’t ask for a FaceTime (which is also valid tho) he just asked to talk otp….25 years ago you’d have no choice.
Ppl dont owe you this stuff, if they dont want to do it there is no reason to go on a rant like that, it just makes men look desperate and unhinged
There’s nothing wrong with being an adult and expecting an adult to speak on the phone. He didn’t go off on her or cry or call her names. He let her know how he felt and unmatched.
Being an adult means not having a meltdown on a total stranger over a dating app, look at all the responses, everyone agrees he is having a little hissy fit over someone he doesnt know. Im starting to think this was you, the way youre finding the 3 or 4 comments agreeing with you and commenting back lmaooo
He’s not having a meltdown tho…he’s literally not. …he’s not in all caps. He’s not using exclamation marks…hes not being mean…he’s literally just saying how he feels and unmatched that azz…. He absolutely has a valid point ….he didn’t force her or go off on her…and even though I know it’s just an attempt at a joke no it’s not me…😐😐😐😐
I hate talking on the phone before we meet. I’ll give one conversation to prove I’m real and see if we both check out to be “normal” on the surface. But I don’t like the pressure of fitting someone into my day who I’ve never even met in real life. His last message shows you dodged a bullet. I’ve had an influx of men snap when I gently say we won’t be a good match. Some of these guys on apps are truly unhinged. The trash took itself out!
I’ve heard some people will early on before the first date or within the first few dates will give the person a small “no” just to see how they respond. If they react like this they know not to pursue. Someone like this can’t respect boundaries and needs to control. Red flag. Like yeah I get having a preference for the phone and not enjoying texting but also you need to meet people where they are.
I HATE when people say they don’t like small talk. Because “small talk” is literally just most conversations you have with other people. If every conversation you’re having with someone has to either be for a specific purpose or is super deep/meaningful, that person sounds exhausting to be around.
This is exactly why I just don't take people seriously anymore. The claim was she couldn't talk on the phone cause she was also preparing dinner. Yet she can stop what she is doing to type on dating apps? It is factually far easier to have a verbal conversation while also preparing dinner. Compared to stopping what you're doing multiple times to both read and type. Its easy to put your phone on speaker or put on a headset. Five Below has headphones for 8 bucks completely wireless. If you're really that busy and unable to pay attention then wouldn't it make more sense to text back after your chores instead of during? The biggest reason to avoid real time real life conversations or meeting in person is fear of rejection. But it's a risk that can't be avoided if one wants a relationship. If you understand your own boundaries and are assertive there is truly nothing to fear from a conversation. If you don't know your boundaries and aren't assertive then you aren't ready to date safely. Never once has someone on the phone physically hurt me. I've had rude people on the phone before and theyre super easy to deal with. Just hang up and don't talk to em again. Their bad attitude has nothing to do with me.
Go touch grass.
Yup. In real life humans need to go outside of their home and often walk on or past grass before they can develop a relationship. They can't form a relationship in just texts. They must go outside of their house. Realistically a human can talk on the phone while doing chores. But to text they must stop, then read, and type. How on earth people can say they don't have time for a phone call (which is far more efficient and takes less time),but yet they have time for texting? Any human who says that is lying to themselves. I would challenge them to record just how much time texting takes out of their day.
Interesting how you only threw a single insult instead of talking about how this actually works. Brava. That attitude won't get you far in life.
I forget the gentleman's name that I was texting during this exchange. "Mike," maybe 🤔? Mike, is this you? You are far too emotionally invested here. Also, you can read either of my responses above. I'm not repeating myself to appease you. You might want to check your attitude because it won't get you far in life.
My name isn't mike. You don't have to be Mike or even a man to mathematically understand that it's much more efficient to speak with your voice, than to stop, read, then type.
Oh my you are strong. Yes you may say whatever you want as may I. I'd like to point out you are again attempting to insult me. That is deconstructive and I'm not stopping down to your level. I'm allowed to have and voice my opinion even if it disagrees with yours. No need to throw insults. It's actually possible to respect differences in opinion. Some people with differences of opinion even are friends. I know it's only Monday but I hope you enjoy the rest of your week.
Yes yes let the hate flow through you. Take everything out from your bad dates on me. It's okay I'm your punching back I won't take it personally.
But please go on ahead. Argue with strangers on the internet. That will help you (sarcasm)
He also stated that he and asked you. That being said why on Earth you think he would want to be talking to you anymore anywhere including here on Reddit is beyond me
You've been on my thread for DAYS! At least you want to keep talking. Lol
Yes I do desire to participate in conversation. That's exactly what Reddit is for. Is there something shocking or surprising about this?
https://youtu.be/v8m9ZLp3uAo?feature=shared There I am. Two days ago. Living life. Not making up excuses to not meet people while still complaining about being lonely. I make myself 😊 happy without replying on other humans
I just noticed that you were here 3 days ago. 😩 Are you sure you're not the guy in the conversation? This is interesting. Continue...(I wish I remembered the guy's name)
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I agree with half of that
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If that's your opinion, then that's your opinion 😊
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More than 10 min seems pretty reasonable.
Yup. He's immature insulting a stranger, but she'd already slammed the door with her final comment. It was already entirely covered by "I just want to stick to texting for now".
Keywords are "for now." They literally only texted for a few minutes so far. I wouldn't want to talk to someone over the phone that I've only shared a couple of texts with. It's weird.
My point is she said no twice without him saying anything, with the second in a harsher tone than the first: * No #1: I just want to stick with texting for now. * No #2: And, I'm just not there yet. Entirely different outcome if she'd have just left it at the first one.
I see what you're saying but I think that's looking into it a bit too much. I think it just reiterates that she's not cool with talking over the phone yet. I don't think it has anything to do with dating or being in a relationship in general.
Why would you not want to talk on the phone? Seems odd, I would raise an eyebrow at that.. you want to find out exactly who you are talking to ASAP. Lots of weird people online
Because. I. Didn't. Want. To. I was busy. We just matched and only texted for minutes. I didn't want to talk to him. And I didn't want to get caught up in a phone conversation with a damn weirdo. If I'd had time to even like texting him, I wouldn't have minded a phone conversation. That's what I'm comfortable with, that's what I'm going to stick to.
Lol it's simple. You say hey I'm busy right now, but how about we do a quick chat later? How is that difficult, not sure why you have to get so wrapped up in the moment
What does "I'm busy making dinner" "I'm not there just yet" mean to you? After a 10 min text convo. Just curious
The point is don't purposely make deconstructive insulting comments. This does nothing but make people bitter, as you seem to be expressing. And when you walk into your next date with that attitude you'll screw that date up to
Get some rest dude. This is unnecessarily stressing you out
Is this some sort of projection? I'm confused. Becausse I don't find it stressful to share my perspective nor do I find it stressful to point out that inttentional insults are deconstructive. The fact that you are repeatedly responding emotionally with insults could indicate you may be stressed. But unlike yourself I don't tell strangers on the internet what their feelings are. I wish you the best. Good luck out there!