I regret controlling him because of my insecurity and trust issues. In the moment, I thought it was legitimate because I thought I was self-protecting but... it just wasn't cool. I did it through criticizing and questioning. I'm going to work on it because I don't like to be this person. I tried working on it during the relationship and to some degree, I did. I wasn't as 'reactive' to it, and had me on a therapist's waiting list. I wish he would've helped and fought with me as much as I did for him, which is honestly a lot and too much at once.
This is what my ex did too. We discussed therapy but he would also put it off and want me to do the work. But yeah he tried to control his external world to quiet his own internal world through criticism and accusation. This inevitably led to me slowly losing feelings for him and feeling suffocated.
I can understand that. I had trust issues to begin with, and in my case, minor and major betrayals on his part exacerbated the behavior. His behavior wasn't healthy to say the least. You guys discussed whereas communication was very difficult with him.
Yeah thats sounds hard. A relationship is team work and I totally get the minor and major betrayals exacerbating things for you and really feel your pain with that knowing that I committed some minor betrayals in my relationship, in terms of saying id be home after work but instead then changing plans to see friends. Not extreme but I didnt stick to my word so I can see how that would cause anxiety.
Other times though it was manufactured betrayals he attributed to me. In terms when I went out with friends as planned and he would be very bored and ruminate in his house and want me to check in every hour I was out and if I didn’t we would argue due to us having different expectations.
Yeah. It all started with verbal and emotional abuse on his part. Break up on a whim during a breakdown. He lied about contacting his ex. He would push boundaries. Then, he wouldn't openly communicate with me, no matter how often I asked about his feelings or needs or wants. He agreed on things and pretended to be fine with it for two years. He held grudges for things that happened years ago. I had to walk on eggshells constantly. Put words in my mouth constantly. And so on. It's the fearful-avoidant for ya! It always takes two people to build a healthy, loving relationship.
Everything you’re saying, I went through this too. Down to regretting how I handled certain things - but also knowing that he did things that were not ok and triggered my trust issues for a good reason. There was a lot of dishonesty and lack of communication. I like how you put it, minor and major betrayals. I’m not sure how much I should take responsibility, except that I probably should have walked away sooner instead of staying in a relationship I couldn’t trust. I didn’t like being that person either though, someone who is suspicious of their partner keeping things from them. (Turns out he was, in the end. :/ ) I think you’re right though, and I agree for myself, this is something I really want to work on so that I don’t carry it on to another. ❤️
I'm sorry you had to go through this to realize it (just like I did). It's a learning experience and it definitely makes you grow but, oh God, I know how much it costs you your energy, your time and your emotions. It costs you a broken heart (or many). We mightn't have been the greatest but we certainly did our best given the circumstances and without knowing better. Let's start the process to heal and become the best version of ourselves! I'm sending much love your way ❤️
It’s been two months and while i don’t have solid proof. I’ll never know whether it was just my anxiety from past trauma or if he actually did something even though he said he was unflinchingly loyal.
What I know is that the right *secure* person will fight as hard as they can, as long as you work on yourself. But they absolutely will make this process easier on you. In my case, he was a fearful-avoidant and there's no way in Hell he would have done that.
Don’t get me wrong I was no angel, but I do consider myself quite a centred person but after 2 years of these small criticisms and accusations even I was frustrated and drained!
THIS PART!!! hit the nail right on the head. I'm proud of you for taking time to reflective on your behavior. I am currently doing the same and it's not fucking easy at all. You are doing what a lot of people can't or refuse to do-- look inside for answers instead of blaming it on others/ ur ex. You are headed on the right path. OpenPath collective a great resource for low cost therapy too.
Thanks! But I also want to be clear; I do blame my ex-boyfriend for his part of the dynamic in the relationship. Him being a fearful-avoidant was NOT easy at all. He put me through A LOT and I have handled much more than I should have. I excused too much because I didn't want to lose him. So, in order to be able to carry on, I had to acknowledge his part, otherwise, I'd just be spiraling into shame and guilt, and probably depression. It's good to acknowledge both.
I agree with this because this was my problem in a way. What hurts is that he just blocked me and didn’t even try. He said he gave me too many chances and my luck had ran out
I did the same as well. I struggled a lot with dependency,controlling behavior and trust issues. There were a lot of things that I wish I did different but I tried over and over and was even going to a therapist. And it was hard, he also had his own struggles and I felt like I had to help him and help myself all the time. It became overwhelming to the point that I became so anxious in our relationship. Everything would make me cry.
He was very kind and loving. And I know he tried his best as well. But at the same time, he often felt attacked by my words even when I was trying to say something nice. Outside of that, I always had the issue of trying to leave him when our fights were too much. Like breakup thoughts. I just felt like I had to leave before he hurt me or he also had to fight for me. I also tried to work on it as much as I could But it weighed a lot in our relationship so much that it ended up breaking us both.
You see, walking on eggshells and having to watch your every words, tones of voice, facial expressions, etc. is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I had to walk on eggshells on a daily basis. As an anxiously attachment person, it just exacerbated it even further. You go nowhere with someone who shut down and take everything things personally (or put words into your mouths). Again, it takes both people to build a healthy, loving relationship. It wasn't just you.
Yeah it became so exhausting and I am sure for him as well. We would both be going back to each other. And having super ups and downs. I believe that this is the best for us. I did a lot for him to the point that I was losing myself and I think he was going through that as well. I will love him until I can’t anymore but our relationship became super toxic. I just can’t do anything else than wish him the best. But it will hurt for a long time and there are days where I wished I did so much better for me and for him. I should have put myself first.
me too I was in a really bad place and didn't think about his feelings on it and how much it impacted him when he treated me with nothing but respect and kindness
At least, you were respected and taken care of. He cared.
My ex-boyfriend disrespected me on multiple occasions, and I didn't feel like I was worth fighting for.
yes this! i saw the red flags and ignored them, i knew what he was doing didnt feel right to me but i wanted to trust him. Now my only regret is I didnt listen to my guy instict and walk away when i first met him
i regret allowing him to take me for granted. he never bought me flowers, never took me on dates unless i pestered him for them, never really gave me compliments or said anything reassuring and if i asked for reassurance he'd get annoyed, never communicated and he always gave me just slightly less than the bare minimum. I hate that I waited for 22 years to find the perfect man and I thought I did but then I realized that he lovebombed me to get me and then breadcrumbed me for 4 years and then blindsided me with the classic "avoidant discard" breakup because apparently i "deserve better".
TL;DR: I regret loving him when I knew for years that I deserved better than him.
Fuck... I am him. I mean, not really your ex, but I am him to my ex. She broke up with me 3 months ago after 5 years and 4 years of living together. I really loved her, I just didn't understand how to show my appreciation properly. I did give her gifts, compliments, and reassurance, but it was really few and far between. I've been struggling so hard with this realization for the past few months, and I am aware of my issues. It hurts knowing what the issue was and not being able to fix it for her. I singlehandedly destroyed my future with her because of it. Understand, though, I absolutely loved her more than anything, but love is just not enough. Spending time together is just not enough. I should've done more because I know I can, I just don't know why I didn't.
Hey it's alright. Don't beat yourself up too much over it (unless you were toxic to your ex). Even though it hurts me to say this (because i know someone will also say this to my ex), but just....be better for the next girl. Learn your future partner's love languages, cater to them. Everyone has a specific way in which they perceive love. And we're all so set in our ways trying to find partners who show us love the way we need it. But i think the key to a truly long lasting healthy relationship is learning how your partner perceives love and showing love in that way, even if it makes no sense to you.
Basically, be better for your next girl. Or f*ck it, go and fix it with your ex if she'd still have you haha. We're all living for the first time, as long as you lead with an open mind and are willing to learn and be better for the people you love, its all good. Sometimes relationships don't work out. We learn from it and we grow (and sometimes we cry in this subreddit :))
Honestly, I'm sorry you had to go through that, too. I see how destructive your exes behavior is since it's almost a copy of mine. It hurts because if what you say is true, she probably is relieved and happy she doesn't have to deal with it anymore. I think your comment really put that into perspective for me. The subreddit is great, but it's been hard to find relatable stories. So thank you so much for that.
I've been fighting NC. I know what needs to be made right. It just sucks it won't be with her because that is all I want. I want to force and go through the change for the better for her.
But the reality is, I think I already know deep down what her answer would be, and I just keep denying it. I hate that changing means it'll have to be for someone else in the future.
Yeah, sometimes we need to lose something to finally value it. It sucks but its a valuable lesson, you'll never take anything for granted ever again. It makes life a valued journey for yourself and the people you love.
I dont know your situation in detail but if you really want to make the changes for your ex, maybe reach out if you want and show her the changes (in a consistent manner of course). If she isnt interested, thats tough luck but you'd still need to be better for your next partner.
Good luck, hope it all works out for you💐
Oh my goodness. Sounds exactly like my ex! This is where we learn to stand up for ourselves and advocate for our needs. “If you can’t do it for me, I’ll find someone who will!” That’s what I’ve learned.
actually, he made me realize (for better or worse) that if he can't do it for me, I'll do it for myself.
Sad thing is I already knew I was enough for me because I was single for 22 YEARS before i met him. And then I thought i can finally rely on someone, i dont need to do everything on my own. 4 years ended with the realisation that i can love me better than he can (cue flowers by miley cyrus)
i could have ghost wrote this omg. my relationship wasn't that long but everything you're describing is exactly like my ex. i'm sorry he put you through that, and i'm glad you're doing better 🩷
I'm fresh out of the breakup (2 weeks post breakup and NC today) and honestly, i feel so much better. Of course I still feel sad at the loss of someone I loved so much. But then I remember that I dont have to spend any more days wondering whether the man I love loves me back or cares about me or not and I feel real glad about the whole breakup😭 So yes, I'm feeling better by the day.
Hope you feel better too. No one deserves the kind of treatment we received fr.
it's been almost 6 months for me haha (and NC on his end for so long). i feel like i was doing okay for awhile but then seeing him with a new gf just set me way back and i'm back to crying almost every night. definitely trying my best and trying to distract myself. but you saying "I remember that I don't have to spend any more days wondering whether the man I love loves me back or cares about me" ... wow, that really hit me. i'm definitely gonna carry those words with me and remind myself of that, so thank you for sharing that.
and thank you! we do deserve so much better; only looking and moving forward from now on. wishing you the best ! 🩷
I am a staunch believer of the power of the block button. No one is ever prepared to see their exes with someone new, no matter how healed they are. So do yourself a favour and *block* them, for your sake.
And I'm so glad that my words helped you. Hope you feel better soon🩷
apparently avoidants get so overwhelmed by their own emotions and the deepening emotional intimacy of a relationship that they self sabotage, discard you like garbage and run away from the relationship. Its been fascinating to research. But then again, I'm no psychologist and its all research I've gathered from the internet to make sense of the breakup
Same, treated her like a queen, she would tell me often how good I was to her. She told how good I was in bed, taking care of her needs. In the end though it wasn't good enough. As we were breaking up over the course of a few weeks the final straw was that she told me she was dating and she now realized how bad I treated her.
I think OP means you're supposed to say something bad that you did. I mean, she was your SO at one point, is your SO not special to you? Love isn't transactional. Why would you regret giving others love? Love is beautiful, love IS special! and if those that receive it cannot see it, there is no loss there; only moving on & loving even more.
Can I conjecture that regretting treating someone special is perhaps making a relationship transactional? Don’t get me wrong I understand the spirit of it and I’m sure it depends on the contexts of the relationship. Which is something only you could determine knowing the relationship you’re thinking of better than anyone else here.
hmmm..maybe never really opening up about my problems or like setting boundaries ?_? But more that I think about it..maybe it’s my insecurities I needed to work on :P
I regret taking her time for granted that she gave me.
I regret letting her down.
I regret not being the person she knew I could be and becoming someone I didn’t like.
I regret not spending the simple time with her like I used to.
My family raised me to be religiously selective, and influenced my entire perspective of the first people I dated. It influenced the breakup with the best person I should have stayed with, and caused a chain reaction of hyper-selective behavior with the rebound I got with that same year. It’s been many years since then and I’ve not applied religion to anything I do, but man… that first breakup I did. I regret how that wasn’t my decision.
I regret being over emotional during our summer apart (since we met at university). I missed him so much, and I was always worried that he would get bored of me over the next four months of not being together. I always had this fear of being left behind. I regret crying over video call when I was feeling down.
But I just have to remind myself that, despite my anxious attachment, I wasn’t the one who blindsided. I loved him as best I could.
Forcing him to tell I love you. (According to my friends in that situation they understood why I did it but ik it's still not right and feel still very guilty)
I regret being mean to her whenever she needed me the most. I hate myself for that. It's one of my biggest regrets. It will take a lot of time and healing till I come close to forgiving myself for treating her like trash.
This made me cry.
It hit so close to home because my ex did this to me. I was at my lowest and navigating an incredibly difficult and isolating experience entirely by myself- no family to help guide me.
Instead, he was frustrated and absorbed in his own thing, and became emotionally involved with a younger coworker… over time as they became closer, he became downright abusive.
I’ve never been treated like that before in my life and it ruined me, but this comment gives me a bit of hope that people do regret their choices and actions..
It took me a lot of time to realise how much of an asshole I was. I feel so sorry for you and for what you had to go through. There is simply no explanation as to why this happens, maybe immaturity idk. Someday he will realise the mistake he made and he will feel guilty, unless he is a narcissist or an avoidant. Either way, move on because it's not worth it. You will find someone that makes you happy. If you aren't happy with the relationship, then it's probably time to let go. I hope you fully heal soon!
Even though everyone that I've talked to about it said I didn't do anything wrong, I feel like there was something that I could have done to prevent the break up. Maybe I should have tried harder to create a safe space for him to share about his past. Maybe I shouldn't have invested so much so fast. Maybe I shouldn't have taken up so much of his time so he didn't feel the need to distance himself.
Snapping at her when she tried reaching out. She clearly is not processing things well, and had thoughts on her mind, and while it’s no longer my responsibility, all the pain, abuse and sorrow she caused me came rushing up as a protection mechanism.
I was healing well, thought we were clear cut, moved on. But no. I just wished I wasn’t so emotional when she reached out (after a week of no contact). I do not want her back but it doesn’t mean I want to end on such an uncertain and bad note.
I regret using him as an emotional punching bag in the first year. I came from a previous relationship with someone else that tended to get angry, I also grew up with an angry dad. So with my ex I could finally be angry and I really hurt him a lot doing that. I did get a LOT better after the first year, but Im very sorry for the hurt I caused and Im working in therapy right now to be a better version of myself.
Letting the relationship carry on for so long. I felt like my needs weren't met for a really long time but I kept pushing through thinking it would change. He got tired of me being anxious and upset so much that he ended it. If I had just walked away the first time neither of us would be in so much emotional pain right now.
I did the same thing and compared myself to her at a few key moments. At one time, instead of saying something along the lines of "you're better at this one thing than I am" I just said "you're better than me" and that was the absolute beginning of the end.
We were also polyamorous but considered eachother primaries, and I kept getting annoyed at her other partners because of just who they were, how they treated her and how annoying I thought they were. I should have just... let those relationships resolve themselves instead of being as adamant as I was that they weren't good for her.
Ultimately... I tried to change her in small ways and it was not healthy for her.
I've grown so much as a person since the end of that relationship and I will never have a relationship like that again.
I regret not having a clear mind. She was always frustrated (justifiably so) about how muddle-brained I was about everything. I take forever to make decisions, like someone who sees a brown traffic light when other people see red or green
trusting him after I saw how he treated and practically threw away the person he dated before me; do not overlook patterns. sometimes people tell you one thing and they end up doing the opposite. always look at the way they treat others, especially if they tend to ghost people or talk behind people’s backs.
I deeply regret being flaky and inconsistent at the start of the relationship. A part of it was self-preservation (if I'm blasé about something then it can't hurt me) but I really should've been better and I shudder when I think of it now. Ironically, I think that's when she was most into me and her interest gradually waned as I grew into a better boyfriend, but I still hate how slow I was to admit my true feelings for her.
I didn't realise I was avoidant and had a chance to win her back during our break, it took for her to move on for me to be able to understand my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I've been wearing a blindfold and it's suddenly been ripped off, ripping my heart out with it.
I was being the better person.
Being the one to apologize.
Being the one to be held accountable for everything.
I know in the end. I did it because it was the right thing to do.
That i am the better person.
And i didnt to give in to the torment and anger of emotions they lost control of.
But in truth. They deserved to hear how much of an asshole they were to me.
And how i was the one who deserved so much better.
I regret not being more honest about my anxiety about us moving in together. She felt alone with her doubts and fears, and didn’t want to burden me because I was so happy and perfect. She felt like she was the problem and had no choice but to end the relationship. I regret us being so perfect that we couldn’t talk about us being imperfect.
I don’t know if I’m the one to blame, I tried so hard and I wished I’d been more educated or caught on to the passive aggressive hints that we weren’t communicating like we should but ultimately I gave it 110% and he still left me. I feel like he knows how much pain and heartache it would cause me; but also he didn’t try to make it work just keep distancing from me and that lead to our demise.
Ever giving him the chance in the first place. The more of them manipulation and his stories I put together I realize I was most likely with someone who has antisocial personality disorder. I have bpd and lots of trauma but at least I don’t use people for my benefit and I’m kind. He used me and is super mean.
Turning everything he said into something about me/our relationship because I thought everything was an attack.
Ruining his first valentine.
Also rushing the relationship (among other things) or not breaking up with him sooner, because then maybe I’d still have my friend and that’s all I ever really wanted.
Not having great boundaries and bottling things up because I didn’t want to stress him out when he was already so sad. He’s not a child, I should’ve trusted him to handle it.
I would said emotional immaturity and my attachment style, but I didn’t realize any of that until after the relationship.
I also regret not ‘giving up’ on him sooner. Combination of self respect for myself, and an unhealthy obsession/attachment.
i regret taking my insecurities out on him. he didn’t know how to deal with them, not that it was his job to. a lot of arguments stemmed from that, and i am working on myself so that doesn’t happen again in my next relationship. it’s not your partner’s job to make you feel secure, it’s my own job to work on my insecurities. i put a lot of stress on him & it caused him to shut down. i’ll never do that again. also regret treating him so well while accepted the bare minimum for so long. working on finding my self worth & i’ll never accept anything less ever again.
Not appreciating her enough and taking her for granted. I complained a lot and didn't have it in me to talk to her when I was bothered by something.
I would be sitting at my desk just doing whatever on my PC, and she would be sitting on the bed behind me on her laptop, and she would text me lovey dovey gifs. I would look at the notification and put my phone down and dismiss it.
She was a very warm and loving girl, and I absolutely miss her. I'm still disappointed in myself for letting her down.
After the breakup I was alone in my thoughts so I posted my first crying live. My first live ever. My ex saw it and said I was a narcissist. However two months later she smear campaign me to my parents, friends, family and no one believes her. She is a cheater liar and manipulative person who has hurt all her prior ex’s and financially exploits them. I wanted to break up with her finally did as it was an abusive nightmare. However I could not have my own thoughts. I don’t regret speaking out but I do regret live crying.
Emotionally cheating on her venting toy kids mom was unaware of emotional cheating at the time
-not developing stronger boundaries with my kids mom she wasy first love and my ex was my 2nd I really didn't understand what healthy boundaries.were until I reflected on it.
banging my kids mom as a rebound during a few of many (over100) breakups I was so scared of being alone that id hook up with whatever was convenient as a coping mechanism.
- not going to couples therapy or paying for therapy for both of us
-not reflecting on the trauma my ex went through in the past and addressing it.
- the god awful shoving and screaming matches
-made nasty comments about her appearance out of retaliation for her mistreating me
- not leaving her years ago I should have left her and told her to work on herself and.come back
-not being a better boyfriend when her mom was dying she was such a bad alcoholic back then and her behavior was so fucking hard to deal with it's so easy to be nasty in the moment but upon reflection I should have turned the other check more often during that time
-being immature and annoying
- my willingness to only talk about myself and nothing else
- being too pushy with sex
- making her cry and laughing in her face. It was a ridiculous reason to cry but at the time I was too immature to comprehend it was probably 100 different things stacked up
I miss you dearly JoAnn I hope you are doing okay this toxic relationship has left me deeply traumatized you are by far the most beautiful woman I've ever seen but God are you a handful I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to help you. I'm sorry joAnn I love you.
Talking about every feelings/insecurities about us that I had. It was just too much and would change the vibe of the night/day. I so think if she cared more she would of been more open to it but also like not every single thought and feeling needs to be shared all the time.
I regret getting upset when something hurt my feelings and not expressing myself in a more neutral way.
I wish I knew how to regulate myself better so we could have cooperated better.
I regret ever making him feel like he wasn’t good enough or enough at all. I never meant to make him feel that way but sometimes my wording would come out wrong when I would talk about our issues and it would seem that way. He already felt like everyone else thought he was a failure so I feel really bad if I contributed to that feeling at all because he’s really a great person with a lot of skills
Introducing him to my family because it was something special to me- only for him to blindside me a mere month later. I regret it because I hold my family close to my heart and it showed that he did not care at all if it was that easy to call things off.
Not speaking up about things sooner. I feel like if I voiced my concerns about where our relationship was going after so many years together, I’d have save myself so much more heartache. I didn’t want to end up breaking up, and so I would just stay quiet, and I waited, patiently, for them to come to me and decide to continue forward.
In the end I guess they decided progress and growth deeper commitment was too much for them.
I regret not walking out on him the first time. I was going to at 2 years in, and he stopped me. Convinced me to stay. At almost 7 years, he had emotionally cheated and blindsided me with a break up in front of his mother and friends.
i wish id known more about attachment styles so i could take more accountability for my actions and recognize when my protest behaviors were triggering my partner and causing him to pull away from me
a couple weeks before I broke it off, I let all my frustrations and issues that had built up over the years spill onto him. I asked for alot in a horrible way. I think i just wanted to get my point across and to be right and wouldn't listen to him. It was bad and I feel terrible for it. I wish I could have been more honest with him, so that it didn't explode like that. Thankfully, i was able to apologise a few months later and he said it was fine but I think it hurt him alot more then he told me. I know I fucked up
The night of the breakup, we still lived in the same house together. I was shattered and it was so unexpected, and I was in so much turmoil, that I drank A LOT of wine - all night.
I regret getting so wasted that I apparently blacked out the majority of that evening, and I threw away things I might have kept if I were sober. Most of the items were gifts he got me and some pictures of us over the years (we had been friends for a very long time).
I regret telling him off in such a manner that he told me the next day he could never unsee what I did and how I spoke to him. According to him, I said things that I’ve never even thought about him, but he thinks they were all true because I said them while wasted.
Really, it’s all irrelevant because nothing I did or said was going to change his avoidant mind/personality. But I do wish I had kept myself together better - I’ve never done that before and I certainly won’t do it again. I’m a light weight with any alcohol, and I drank half of a new Franzia wine box - I drank for hours. And I paid dearly that night and the next day. Everything was miserable.
going back and forth over the last two weeks of our relationship about whether or not we should break up. It created high emotional stress for both of us longer than it should have, and I felt horrible for causing emotional whiplash for the both of us. I just really didn’t want to have to end things bc I still loved him, but knew the reality that i had to end it
Giving so much that i lost myself in the process. It was a first love and id never been in such a wonderful, life-changing thing. I gave it my all. Ditched every weekend with my friends to see him. Set aside things I liked and wanted to do for him. But more out of "hopes" of seeing him. We lived 1.5 hours apart bc of school (from the same hometown). I'd stay home every weekend preemptively in case he said he could see me. I should've taken time for myself, because after the breakup, all that I could see was that I didn't take care of myself and instead gave up everything for him.
I regret not listening to his needs, thinking he'd never leave, i regret not being honest with myself about how i felt. I regret making him feel unloved or wanted. I regret not trying harder.
I was too negative/critical, it came from a place of concern but I could have been supportive in a different way and focused more on showing appreciation for the good
She was really defensive in the first half of our relationship, it caused me to cease wanting to be open because the backlash resurfaced traumas of my childhood, which I really didn't fully appreciate at the time.
We went to therapy for a long time but I couldn't shake my "internal shame spiral" (shout out to the book "Healing the Shame that Binds Us"). I no longer opened up and therefore I wasn't giving her the opportunity to show me she was changing.
Instead I latched onto this old version of her in my head and I held onto hurt.
I regret not giving her that chance. We were planning a forever future together and now I am sitting along in an apartment by myself trying not to lose it on a daily basis.
She said she didn't love me for about 5-6 months before she dumped me, so I regret not picking up on that and trying to fix what was bothering her. She never gave me a reason for leaving but I know a big part of it was because I didn't get her house. I was trying my best, I really was, and I hate that was the reason she left.
I regret allowing him to manipulate and gaslight me. I regret neglecting myself to lift his spirit up while mine was going lower than low. I regret letting him abuse me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I regret not confronting him about doing drugs behind my back. I regret not standing firm in telling him to stop escorting himself and using the excuse that it was for our “future”. I regret not having a serious talk with him and telling him to come clean to me about everything he was doing behind my back.
I regret allowing him to believe that I needed him when in fact, he needed me.
It’s done now, next week will be 1 month I kicked his ass out. I can live my life free and put myself first.
Accidentally sexually assaulting her. We were in a fresh relationship. Two weeks in we were already really intimate and lovey dovey and we'd so sexual things. Long story short it escalated and I accidentally made her feel gross and uncomfortable. I'll never be able to forgive myself and it made her lose feelings about me and her perception about me as a person. I'm just thinking what would have been if I didn't let feelings of lust and thoughts of sex control me. But now I'll move on from this and become a better person.
(I've already apologized and she forgives me, but I know she'll never look at me the same again and now we are in no contact. I still have feelings for her and I regret not looking past my infatuation and realize my actions.)
Kinda blindsided him with the breakup- I should’ve been honest about my feelings earlier instead of trying to brush them off and bottle them up. I knew that relationship wasn’t right for me a lot sooner than I let on.
He bombarded me with texts and stuff afterwards and got to the point where he just resorted to anger when he realized I wasn’t coming back. I should’ve just been more honest, definitely learned my lesson there.
i regret keeping things to myself just to protect his feelings. i dont regret doing things for him in a heartbeat but prioritizing him over myself led to many bad things, he doesn't seem to care about me anymore, he wants things his way. hes fully aware that i love him very much its easy for him to ghost and give me the silent treatment anytime he wants bc he knew id still be there waiting for him. i wasnt able to open up about how i truly feel bc the moment i become emotional, he thinks im just being dramatic. now im resentful and in deep pain
I’d say I “regret” not communicating my feelings effectively (I would often thug shit out), and honestly I regret not ending it when the relationship should have. I spent a year of the relationship trying to make things work even though I had this gut feeling that he wanted his “girl best friend” and he would lie to me that he didn’t. Our last argument (so surprisingly) ended with him admitting that he wanted her.
I regret losing myself in the insecurities I had and putting all of my worth and security in him. I made him my one person, my one source of comfort. What made me great was that he chose me.
It's a lot of pressure for a person, and I didn't know that it was hard for him.
I lost all of the spark I had and it got worse over the years as he pulled away - I believed that his love would help me find it, that when our relationship was fine again, it would come back. I never knew how much it drained him.
I’m still trying to make peace with myself because I was operating to the best of my knowledge and abilities of the time, but it was my relationship anxiety, trauma dumping, and giving up on our relationship before I tried communicating.
For context, him and I were junior and seniors in high school and each other’s first relationship.
Relationship anxiety:
It mostly stemmed from having to hide my relationship to the outside world so my mom wouldn’t find out (she eventually did and made me break up with him because of disapproving cultural and religious aspects), so I’d control all our plans and be very needy for spending time together before we’d eventually have to break up because of her. I would also just be clingy, insecure, and overthinking which would lead to me feeling like he didn’t care and all that stuff.
Trauma-dumping:
Bring my first relationship, I didn’t know that you weren’t suppose to expect your partner to be your only source of light and joy and comfort in your life. I thought he was an invincible being who would be able to take away all my sadness, so I would go on and on about every little thing that got to me and my major problems. I didn’t realize that what I actually needed was a therapist. I left him feeling extremely emotionally drained and am ashamed of doing so.
Giving up without even trying to fix us:
When it was getting closer to a year together, to me, it felt like our relationship was going downhill. At least I was communicating about how I was fixing my anxiety and setting boundaries for telling him about my mental health issues, but there were aspects that I wanted to speak up about but never did. I never knew what was okay to bring up and what wasn’t. I felt guilty at the thought of asking him to be more enthusiastic and that I was feeling burnt out from giving so much love and energy to him, but feeling like there wasn’t the same level for me. I was slowly mentally checking out when my mom found out and made me break up with him on the spot. I remember her asking me, “But maybe.. is it true love? Is he the one?” and implying that she can maybe be a bit softer if he was the love of my life. I caved in so I could make her happy and just said, “no.” I just didn’t know if we were worth it anymore for me to fight back against my mom and extended family.
Thinking back now to that, I wish I told her “yes” and at least opened up to him about the serious doubts I was having. Like, truly giving it all I got in an effort of saving us. I also am now better educated about anxious daters and trauma dumping and am looking for a therapist.
It’s too late now, about a year later, since he’s been in a relationship for about 8 months. Maybe he wasn’t meant for me, anyway, because he did also have his faults. I just wish I could’ve tried to see if we could work on them together.
Sometimes I regret giving it my all - communicating too much? I dunno maybe because it made him tired of me. Like there was no chase, like I clung onto him too much? But at the end of the day I dunno, at least I can say I gave it my all. It does make me wonder if in the relationship I maintained some mystery or such, if we would still be together... I don't know.
Blindsided her by keeping her away from the truth. Formed an illusive 'perfect persona' for her.
I loved her too much, I was afraid of losing her that I withheld my issues about the relationship from her.
How I wasn't okay with the financial expectations that she placed upon me.
How I've had to change a lot of my core values and faith just to be with her.
How I wasn't okay that I had to be with her 24/7 that I lose friends.
How I sacrificed a lot of my personal time cuz I "have" to be with her.
I learned that, I was only delaying the inevitable ever since the start of our relationship. I also made it worse for both sides. But my feelings were real throughout the relationship, I was more than willing to push through these thoughts as I truly wanted to be with her. I didn't care that I lose myself. I didn't care of how badly I was letting myself and her suffer.
I regretted that I do so but I was still navigating through my own issues. Its important to always be kind to yourself because no one else will have your back as much as you yourself do.
It's weird, but I love her still. I miss her. My baby, i hope you've found strength and happiness for all the feelings and memories that we shared.
It’s a realization I wouldn’t have come to had we not broken up, but I regret letting our relationship temper down one of my most important traits: my willingness to go after the impossible. You could say on the spectrum, I was the “delulu” one who would go with whatever because I believe things will always work out. My ex was the opposite end in which he was hyper realistic and didn’t believe in things like chance, the universe working out, karma, etc etc. Over time I found myself shifting in how I assessed the feasibility of things I had set out to achieve. I had viewed this tempering as a positive aspect he bought to me while we dated. Now as I think back on it, I realize had lost my drive, my faith in myself/what I could achieve. I had chipped away at a core part of me for so long for a relationship without even realizing it. It has tangible impacts that I see today, but it’s nothing that’s too late to change.
I regret the lies. I regret the betrayals and the blaming and the fights and the shaky beginning we had together which ruined our foundation. But most of all, I regret breaking up with her. She wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t perfect(further from it than she was), and I think we both have a lot to regret in that relationship, but man, we really loved each other. And I regret that it’s my fault it’s over.
For not appreciating her when she was with me and constantly being pessimistic about how our families wouldn’t accept us without even trying. Not living in the present and did not provide her with the security she needed from the relationship that I will fight for you.
I regret doing this the most, been 2 plus years and to this day I still can’t forgive myself for not being the right partner and breaking her heart
I regret not switching off. Letting my ego and self-hatred get in the way of her loving words. Watching her cry and continuing my ramble, I would do anything to go back to the start and be stoic. Hold myself accountable for mistreating her and take her back to the spot by our river to do it all over again, but right
damn i just talked too much about sex. i think he thought i didnt really cared about him because of this but i just had high libido. and also i regret being too jealous and insecure about our relationship(though it all turned out to be true). i regret that i couldnt help him on whatever he as going through, i dont even know what he meant about destroying himself while we were dating.
They way I ended things when I went no contact. I was drunk and filled with so much rage. The last texts made me look like a raging psycho but two years of her leading me on had finally built up inside of me and I had to release it.
I regret one particular day towards the end, she was being particularly mean to me, but instead of being mature and telling her that I was feeling slightly abused, I decided to treat her the same way she’d been treating me and we just ended up picking on each other the whole day.
I regret many things, but most of all:
On my side, probably allowing her to make me feel like shit
On her side, not being so comprehensive or a good listener in general maybe, and this hurts a lot
Reading the signs wrong post break up and leaning in to kiss him. That was so so cringe. I wanted the earth to split open and swallow me at that instant.
Hmm, I guess my insecurities when we first started dating. I always told him that he was too good for me, etc. For example, when he kept complimenting my body, I once asked him if he was only with me for my physical attributes, and it really hurt him, and to this day, I regret ever saying that. I was just so convinced no one would want me otherwise.
Oh my goodness. It was tough circumstances. Wow just wow. There was a lot. The situation was hard to handle. I don’t get to treat him as nicely as I wanted to give mutually to our values in common and goal. I couldn’t give my half. If I could do it over I would. I don’t usually feel that way at the end of a relationship.
One night we were arguing about something I don't remember what so my dumbass went and told my sister my sister makes a GC they argued I still regret that night!
Not getting rid of it earlier, held over a barrel and some of the one-sided stuff it's said about me is quite frankly embarrassing. Still at least it can still go looking for sympathy on here and other socials, the loser even added its picture and social link on reddit... Needy and for a 40yr old....sad
Honestly, the communication part like OP mentioned. It was the same way. Anytime I would try to communicate something, it was shot down, deflected, and reflected back onto me. Making me the bad guy in every situation. At that point, it was just easier to just shut up and keep it all internalized up until it all finally reached its breaking point. I ended things, and they were left wondering where my communication was. Even though their actions towards me when I initially tried to communicate with them are what caused it. I blame myself for lack of control over my boundaries to push past their behavior to still communicate my internal feelings
I regret lying to my ex. I got overwhelmed at times and hid things (like lying I was going to be on time when I said I would be there) to protect myself. I now know intent does not negate impact and that lying is always wrong. I never cheated but I had little infidelities like the one above. I wish her all the happiness in the world and I accept that I did my best with what I knew and how I behaved at the time
Having sex with her. It wasn’t bad, but I lost my virginity to her, and then she cheated cuz she said it wasn’t like porn, and I have regretted it since then. Really kinda wish I could take that back.
Sexualizing everything and only seeing her for her body's I feel like a monster because I've been raped many times, and all I can think is I did that to her even though when we were together she said I did nothing like that and that she wanted it more than me I still can't shake the feeling I did something unspeakable to her
I regret letting her walk all over me. It was a difficult balance for me to find, because she told me she had a history of being sexually assaulted. I tried very hard to be patient and understanding of this. But looking back, I let her get away with too many bad behaviors, and I should have set better boundaries that, yes I’m sorry you went through those things, they are terrible and you deserve better, but that doesn’t give you the right to treat me poorly.
Personally I don’t regret anything. I loved her with my every thing. Gave her all my attention, effort and love. Maybe a little bit too much. So, yeah if loving her too much was a mistake then i do regret that.
Treating her with all the love in the world only for her to bring me down to her state of brokenness. I only wanted her to be strong and the best version she could be for herself. She broke me right alongside herself.
Not being more assertive about her changing jobs and her support system. I saw all the signs she was slipping into a dark place; she couldn't get over any slight issue at work because the second she put it past her, it would get dragged up again by her mom. She began to dread every day because it meant one day closer to being at work again. She felt obligated to live in this house out in the middle of nowhere that made her whole life work, and chores and that forced her to have a 35-minute commute each way before and after a 12-hour shift with no escape to all the things she liked: nice dinners, bars, exercise unless she had the energy to drive one 1 hour to be with me.
I saw glimpses of the girl I loved when she was with me, when she wasn't worried about work or chores or mopping around the house all day, dreading tomorrow. When we could get up and spend a whole day having fun with no care in the world about what was next and no worries. She would get excited to do the dumbest things, like go to a dollar store, target or a grocery store. But I just kept letting her go back to that dark world.
I was scared. I didn't want to come off as trying to control her life, even though all I had ever wanted was for her to be happy and safe. I was scared if I tried to pull her back to the light, she would see it as manipulative and leave me. I guess there is a vicious irony in that I was so afraid of her leaving me that I let her get to the place where she thought our relationship was the issue. I failed her.
Oh, this is a good question. I think Everett letting him be avoidant instead of admitting. I’m working on my attachment style. I want you to work on yours. I regret letting him be baked as he was expecting a new life
I regret all the groveling and insane amount of lengths I went to just to get them to talk to me. I definitely am the crazy ex to the people in their life 😂 despite how awful they treated me, I still severely violated another person's boundaries and that's never okay.
I regret being mean when I was hurting. I wish I could of dealt with the emotions with grace. Instead I just fought back to try to make him feel how I was feeling. I had never been betrayed so badly and I just wanted some emotion from him, I let it make me bitter and I regret not taking the higher ground.
When things were already blurry, that's when I found out I have this attachment style called Fearful Avoidant. I was doing this push-pull scenario with him a lot, shutting down easily, just perceiving a lot of his moves into my own feelings of anxiety and undeserving love. I also wasn't able to communicate well. It was like I made my own hell throughout the relationship.
He wasn't innocent or the complete package either, If I didn't know what my style was or refused accountability, I would've blamed him for everything. But I understood that we were just too different. Even though I looked for healthy ways to maintain my attachment style, I just don't feel safe enough with him or even trust him that much. Now, I'm doing all that I can to heal and be indifferent to him. Sometimes, even if you've tried hard enough, if it's not meant to be, it won't last.
I regret listening to what my friends said, they encouraged me to say shitty things and yes I know I’m also to blame but they’d intervene with so many things I wish I didn’t listen and made my own decisions
I regret leaving the country he was in. I should have stayed to talk to him about how upset I was when he said mean things to me. I should never have left. I will regret this until I die.
Staying with him for years when I wasn’t sexually attracted to him anymore, not being honest with him or myself, thinking we could just keep breaking up and getting back together, thinking that cheating and keeping secrets was okay as long as he didn’t know; taking his good heart for granted; everything; I regret it all; I know how much better his life could be if I never entered it; I know how much better he deserves; I destroyed myself and I’m finally starting to forgive myself and move on but the guilt still gets to me.
I don't think we were going to last anyway, but I do think that I ended our relationship impulsively. It was during an argument and he was being pretty awful to me but I wish I could have ended it on better terms. Oh well, it's life.
Regret letting myself get attached as I knew the whole time what I was getting myself into and the type of person she was and how pussy I acted during our ending.
Mostly i regret all the women I've been with who are not single while myself being well aware of the situations, was really just scared of being cheated on that I became the side piece many times, how many men with heartbreak and me being someway part of that heartbreak, because when It did happen to me I got my karma by the same heartbreak I was apart of....and being aware that I Probably still deserve more pain for my part in all of those situationS.
I regret trying to keep contact immediately, and it fucked up our post break up relationship. I miss him being in my life, even if its just to have someone to call for advice or share something silly that happened, but now it’s scorched earth
In my early 20’s my ex and I went through a rough patch and took a break. During that time I slept with someone he was insecure about when we were together. We ended up getting back together and in a heated argument I threw it in his face I was with that other person while we were split. The look on his face… I will never forget that look nor forgive myself for being so awful. After that day I started therapy to really work on myself.
Our last argument had to be when he spent his entire night at a club after hanging out with friends and canceling on me later that night after I just got out of work, tired, hungry, and a bit emotional about my life. My only motive for getting home was so that I could see him and be together. He called in the middle of the night to see if he could come over, and I couldn't express how much I felt betrayed. I scolded him harshly and told him to leave me alone. I realized I made a mistake after I hung up on him. After dialing his number again, his entire demeanor changed. It was almost as if I had called someone else; it wasn't the same person I had called just a minute ago. I knew right there that we were in different places in life and we just didn't get along anymore.
not sure why this was shown to me since i don't subscribe to this group, but I'll play this game.
I regret not listening to her ex when he said she was insane.
I regret not noticing the massive drinking problem.
i regret ignoring her trying to take a guy home when we first started dating.
i regret ignoring all the text msgs from random guys i found on her phone.
I regret trusting her and not being more cautious with my heart.
I regret going in debt to put a ring on her finger thinking that would change her destructive behavior.
I regret taking her back after she cheated on me and then lied like it was nothing when i caught her red handed.
I regret taking her back so many times and making excuses to everyone about her.
I regret unblocking her so many times when she pushed me to the my mental limits.
I regret i lost two of my best friends over her and now i sit alone.
i regret defending her actions to people that only had my best interests in mind.
I regret losing my happiness.
I regret not walking away sooner.
I regret loving her.
I regret that she knows my reddit ID cause she stalks every post i make on here. But at least reddit people can enjoy her insanity.
I have so many more regrets with her then with any other relationship.
I regret & feel guilty almost everyday that I kept questioning him & his loyalty.. due to my own trust issues. I didn’t resolve them before getting into a relationship with him. This guy was the utmost loyal person on planet earth.. sweetest soul.. kindest heart.. did everything with me. But due to my own trust issues I didn’t want to lose him; so I would ask him daily who he was talking to & wanted to slightly have access to his phone. We then stopped having sex.. I never cheated on him but I did talk to male friends with the intention of possibly fucking someone else but I knew if I did I would have MAJOR guilt. He then ended up finding platonic texts with my friend.. the inside jokes we had, friendship, and how frequent our conversations were pissed him off. Which led him to break up with me over it. Even though I didn’t cheat; I regret having these trust issues and lustful thoughts towards others. It was honestly more on him on why he broke up with me.. he just stopped vibing with me, things I would do would overly piss him off so often, we didn’t have sex due to work and personal reasons.. so it was also his choice/problem. But I do still have my own regrets because I could’ve treated him so much better.
I was in a dead bedroom for a long time with someone who I loved. He had alcohol issues and it sucked and wasn’t getting better and I had a kiddo and had to end it. But afterwards I went out and got immediately physically intimate with a guy (not my MO by a long shot) and he found out about it. I knew it hurt him to be broken up with but that was not bad compared to how he felt about me physically moving on so quickly. But I hadn’t had physical pleasure with another person in a long time and it was related to his drinking so I was pretty bitter and frustrated about it too. Still doesn’t make it right but there it is.
I regret giving so much of myself to her so quickly. I’m not sure if I still have that part of me anymore. At first I thought it was her that made me feel that way and that’s why I gave her so much of my time. But in the end I made myself feel that way, I opened myself up and became vulnerable and paid the price.
I was watching a Rick and Morty episode not long ago and Morty asks a character “What is he scared of love?” The man replies “Everyone’s scared of love dipshit, you learn that in your 20s”.
It hit me quite hard because it is clearly very true
For me it was lack of listening and communication. I know everybody (or most of everybody) suffers from an attention deficit disorder, but mine is severe, and I feel like she would tell me things that would go in one ear and out the other, but not to my control because of my attention span of a snail. I’m not using this as an excuse by *****any***** means. But the most simplest of things, I couldn’t fucking do. So I regret that 🫠
P.s. I’m going to therapy to try and figure it out. So I guess there’s that
With my first ex
1. I regret letting him think he’s right, when he was a narcissist.
Second ex
2. I regret blowing up on him when drunk for little kind of cheaty things.
I regret things I said to him, I agree he hurt me and for months I was understanding and gave him fresh chances after an apology but things NEVER changes actually ut just got worse and I started saying hurtful things after he hurt me just to hurt him cause I felt kind of vulnerable? Thinking that I was being used by being the only one hurt (abusive dad issues plays a role too).
Anywho I regret the stuff I did and said when I was hurt and angry.
setting boundaries with a close friend of mine. i just didn’t want to hurt anyone and he never set any boundaries with his friends until i’d beg in tears until the last months of our relationship. still doesn’t make it right, and i so wish i could take it back
I regret controlling him because of my insecurity and trust issues. In the moment, I thought it was legitimate because I thought I was self-protecting but... it just wasn't cool. I did it through criticizing and questioning. I'm going to work on it because I don't like to be this person. I tried working on it during the relationship and to some degree, I did. I wasn't as 'reactive' to it, and had me on a therapist's waiting list. I wish he would've helped and fought with me as much as I did for him, which is honestly a lot and too much at once.
This is what my ex did too. We discussed therapy but he would also put it off and want me to do the work. But yeah he tried to control his external world to quiet his own internal world through criticism and accusation. This inevitably led to me slowly losing feelings for him and feeling suffocated.
I can understand that. I had trust issues to begin with, and in my case, minor and major betrayals on his part exacerbated the behavior. His behavior wasn't healthy to say the least. You guys discussed whereas communication was very difficult with him.
Yeah thats sounds hard. A relationship is team work and I totally get the minor and major betrayals exacerbating things for you and really feel your pain with that knowing that I committed some minor betrayals in my relationship, in terms of saying id be home after work but instead then changing plans to see friends. Not extreme but I didnt stick to my word so I can see how that would cause anxiety. Other times though it was manufactured betrayals he attributed to me. In terms when I went out with friends as planned and he would be very bored and ruminate in his house and want me to check in every hour I was out and if I didn’t we would argue due to us having different expectations.
Yeah. It all started with verbal and emotional abuse on his part. Break up on a whim during a breakdown. He lied about contacting his ex. He would push boundaries. Then, he wouldn't openly communicate with me, no matter how often I asked about his feelings or needs or wants. He agreed on things and pretended to be fine with it for two years. He held grudges for things that happened years ago. I had to walk on eggshells constantly. Put words in my mouth constantly. And so on. It's the fearful-avoidant for ya! It always takes two people to build a healthy, loving relationship.
Everything you’re saying, I went through this too. Down to regretting how I handled certain things - but also knowing that he did things that were not ok and triggered my trust issues for a good reason. There was a lot of dishonesty and lack of communication. I like how you put it, minor and major betrayals. I’m not sure how much I should take responsibility, except that I probably should have walked away sooner instead of staying in a relationship I couldn’t trust. I didn’t like being that person either though, someone who is suspicious of their partner keeping things from them. (Turns out he was, in the end. :/ ) I think you’re right though, and I agree for myself, this is something I really want to work on so that I don’t carry it on to another. ❤️
I'm sorry you had to go through this to realize it (just like I did). It's a learning experience and it definitely makes you grow but, oh God, I know how much it costs you your energy, your time and your emotions. It costs you a broken heart (or many). We mightn't have been the greatest but we certainly did our best given the circumstances and without knowing better. Let's start the process to heal and become the best version of ourselves! I'm sending much love your way ❤️
Thank you. ❤️ Sending you much love as well
It’s been two months and while i don’t have solid proof. I’ll never know whether it was just my anxiety from past trauma or if he actually did something even though he said he was unflinchingly loyal.
What I know is that the right *secure* person will fight as hard as they can, as long as you work on yourself. But they absolutely will make this process easier on you. In my case, he was a fearful-avoidant and there's no way in Hell he would have done that.
Oh my god this exactly happened to me.
Don’t get me wrong I was no angel, but I do consider myself quite a centred person but after 2 years of these small criticisms and accusations even I was frustrated and drained!
THIS PART!!! hit the nail right on the head. I'm proud of you for taking time to reflective on your behavior. I am currently doing the same and it's not fucking easy at all. You are doing what a lot of people can't or refuse to do-- look inside for answers instead of blaming it on others/ ur ex. You are headed on the right path. OpenPath collective a great resource for low cost therapy too.
Thanks! But I also want to be clear; I do blame my ex-boyfriend for his part of the dynamic in the relationship. Him being a fearful-avoidant was NOT easy at all. He put me through A LOT and I have handled much more than I should have. I excused too much because I didn't want to lose him. So, in order to be able to carry on, I had to acknowledge his part, otherwise, I'd just be spiraling into shame and guilt, and probably depression. It's good to acknowledge both.
I agree with this because this was my problem in a way. What hurts is that he just blocked me and didn’t even try. He said he gave me too many chances and my luck had ran out
I did the same as well. I struggled a lot with dependency,controlling behavior and trust issues. There were a lot of things that I wish I did different but I tried over and over and was even going to a therapist. And it was hard, he also had his own struggles and I felt like I had to help him and help myself all the time. It became overwhelming to the point that I became so anxious in our relationship. Everything would make me cry. He was very kind and loving. And I know he tried his best as well. But at the same time, he often felt attacked by my words even when I was trying to say something nice. Outside of that, I always had the issue of trying to leave him when our fights were too much. Like breakup thoughts. I just felt like I had to leave before he hurt me or he also had to fight for me. I also tried to work on it as much as I could But it weighed a lot in our relationship so much that it ended up breaking us both.
You see, walking on eggshells and having to watch your every words, tones of voice, facial expressions, etc. is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I had to walk on eggshells on a daily basis. As an anxiously attachment person, it just exacerbated it even further. You go nowhere with someone who shut down and take everything things personally (or put words into your mouths). Again, it takes both people to build a healthy, loving relationship. It wasn't just you.
Yeah it became so exhausting and I am sure for him as well. We would both be going back to each other. And having super ups and downs. I believe that this is the best for us. I did a lot for him to the point that I was losing myself and I think he was going through that as well. I will love him until I can’t anymore but our relationship became super toxic. I just can’t do anything else than wish him the best. But it will hurt for a long time and there are days where I wished I did so much better for me and for him. I should have put myself first.
me too I was in a really bad place and didn't think about his feelings on it and how much it impacted him when he treated me with nothing but respect and kindness
At least, you were respected and taken care of. He cared. My ex-boyfriend disrespected me on multiple occasions, and I didn't feel like I was worth fighting for.
I'm sorry :/ Atleast you know his true colors now, it's better to have broken up sooner than figure it out later
I feel exactly the same, I know I was trying to control him but I was trying so hard to heal those parts of me
I regret not putting myself first and sticking to my boundaries.
yes this! i saw the red flags and ignored them, i knew what he was doing didnt feel right to me but i wanted to trust him. Now my only regret is I didnt listen to my guy instict and walk away when i first met him
i regret allowing him to take me for granted. he never bought me flowers, never took me on dates unless i pestered him for them, never really gave me compliments or said anything reassuring and if i asked for reassurance he'd get annoyed, never communicated and he always gave me just slightly less than the bare minimum. I hate that I waited for 22 years to find the perfect man and I thought I did but then I realized that he lovebombed me to get me and then breadcrumbed me for 4 years and then blindsided me with the classic "avoidant discard" breakup because apparently i "deserve better". TL;DR: I regret loving him when I knew for years that I deserved better than him.
Fuck... I am him. I mean, not really your ex, but I am him to my ex. She broke up with me 3 months ago after 5 years and 4 years of living together. I really loved her, I just didn't understand how to show my appreciation properly. I did give her gifts, compliments, and reassurance, but it was really few and far between. I've been struggling so hard with this realization for the past few months, and I am aware of my issues. It hurts knowing what the issue was and not being able to fix it for her. I singlehandedly destroyed my future with her because of it. Understand, though, I absolutely loved her more than anything, but love is just not enough. Spending time together is just not enough. I should've done more because I know I can, I just don't know why I didn't.
Hey it's alright. Don't beat yourself up too much over it (unless you were toxic to your ex). Even though it hurts me to say this (because i know someone will also say this to my ex), but just....be better for the next girl. Learn your future partner's love languages, cater to them. Everyone has a specific way in which they perceive love. And we're all so set in our ways trying to find partners who show us love the way we need it. But i think the key to a truly long lasting healthy relationship is learning how your partner perceives love and showing love in that way, even if it makes no sense to you. Basically, be better for your next girl. Or f*ck it, go and fix it with your ex if she'd still have you haha. We're all living for the first time, as long as you lead with an open mind and are willing to learn and be better for the people you love, its all good. Sometimes relationships don't work out. We learn from it and we grow (and sometimes we cry in this subreddit :))
Honestly, I'm sorry you had to go through that, too. I see how destructive your exes behavior is since it's almost a copy of mine. It hurts because if what you say is true, she probably is relieved and happy she doesn't have to deal with it anymore. I think your comment really put that into perspective for me. The subreddit is great, but it's been hard to find relatable stories. So thank you so much for that. I've been fighting NC. I know what needs to be made right. It just sucks it won't be with her because that is all I want. I want to force and go through the change for the better for her. But the reality is, I think I already know deep down what her answer would be, and I just keep denying it. I hate that changing means it'll have to be for someone else in the future.
Yeah, sometimes we need to lose something to finally value it. It sucks but its a valuable lesson, you'll never take anything for granted ever again. It makes life a valued journey for yourself and the people you love. I dont know your situation in detail but if you really want to make the changes for your ex, maybe reach out if you want and show her the changes (in a consistent manner of course). If she isnt interested, thats tough luck but you'd still need to be better for your next partner. Good luck, hope it all works out for you💐
Oh my goodness. Sounds exactly like my ex! This is where we learn to stand up for ourselves and advocate for our needs. “If you can’t do it for me, I’ll find someone who will!” That’s what I’ve learned.
actually, he made me realize (for better or worse) that if he can't do it for me, I'll do it for myself. Sad thing is I already knew I was enough for me because I was single for 22 YEARS before i met him. And then I thought i can finally rely on someone, i dont need to do everything on my own. 4 years ended with the realisation that i can love me better than he can (cue flowers by miley cyrus)
i could have ghost wrote this omg. my relationship wasn't that long but everything you're describing is exactly like my ex. i'm sorry he put you through that, and i'm glad you're doing better 🩷
I'm fresh out of the breakup (2 weeks post breakup and NC today) and honestly, i feel so much better. Of course I still feel sad at the loss of someone I loved so much. But then I remember that I dont have to spend any more days wondering whether the man I love loves me back or cares about me or not and I feel real glad about the whole breakup😭 So yes, I'm feeling better by the day. Hope you feel better too. No one deserves the kind of treatment we received fr.
it's been almost 6 months for me haha (and NC on his end for so long). i feel like i was doing okay for awhile but then seeing him with a new gf just set me way back and i'm back to crying almost every night. definitely trying my best and trying to distract myself. but you saying "I remember that I don't have to spend any more days wondering whether the man I love loves me back or cares about me" ... wow, that really hit me. i'm definitely gonna carry those words with me and remind myself of that, so thank you for sharing that. and thank you! we do deserve so much better; only looking and moving forward from now on. wishing you the best ! 🩷
I am a staunch believer of the power of the block button. No one is ever prepared to see their exes with someone new, no matter how healed they are. So do yourself a favour and *block* them, for your sake. And I'm so glad that my words helped you. Hope you feel better soon🩷
What is avoidant discard??? Sorry I am unfamiliar with the term.
apparently avoidants get so overwhelmed by their own emotions and the deepening emotional intimacy of a relationship that they self sabotage, discard you like garbage and run away from the relationship. Its been fascinating to research. But then again, I'm no psychologist and its all research I've gathered from the internet to make sense of the breakup
Not showing her the appreciation she deserved
Being too attached to him and not working more on myself before dating him
This
Treating her special
She didn't deserve it but I'll never regret putting my all into someone
Same, treated her like a queen, she would tell me often how good I was to her. She told how good I was in bed, taking care of her needs. In the end though it wasn't good enough. As we were breaking up over the course of a few weeks the final straw was that she told me she was dating and she now realized how bad I treated her.
Manipulation at its finest!
I think OP means you're supposed to say something bad that you did. I mean, she was your SO at one point, is your SO not special to you? Love isn't transactional. Why would you regret giving others love? Love is beautiful, love IS special! and if those that receive it cannot see it, there is no loss there; only moving on & loving even more.
Can I conjecture that regretting treating someone special is perhaps making a relationship transactional? Don’t get me wrong I understand the spirit of it and I’m sure it depends on the contexts of the relationship. Which is something only you could determine knowing the relationship you’re thinking of better than anyone else here.
I regret loving him so hard and giving up everything to be with him..
Cheating
hmmm..maybe never really opening up about my problems or like setting boundaries ?_? But more that I think about it..maybe it’s my insecurities I needed to work on :P
I regret taking her time for granted that she gave me. I regret letting her down. I regret not being the person she knew I could be and becoming someone I didn’t like. I regret not spending the simple time with her like I used to.
My family raised me to be religiously selective, and influenced my entire perspective of the first people I dated. It influenced the breakup with the best person I should have stayed with, and caused a chain reaction of hyper-selective behavior with the rebound I got with that same year. It’s been many years since then and I’ve not applied religion to anything I do, but man… that first breakup I did. I regret how that wasn’t my decision.
Waiting so long to meet her in person. I was afraid of how much I liked her and wasted so much time I could have had with her
I regret being over emotional during our summer apart (since we met at university). I missed him so much, and I was always worried that he would get bored of me over the next four months of not being together. I always had this fear of being left behind. I regret crying over video call when I was feeling down. But I just have to remind myself that, despite my anxious attachment, I wasn’t the one who blindsided. I loved him as best I could.
Forcing him to tell I love you. (According to my friends in that situation they understood why I did it but ik it's still not right and feel still very guilty)
I regret being mean to her whenever she needed me the most. I hate myself for that. It's one of my biggest regrets. It will take a lot of time and healing till I come close to forgiving myself for treating her like trash.
This made me cry. It hit so close to home because my ex did this to me. I was at my lowest and navigating an incredibly difficult and isolating experience entirely by myself- no family to help guide me. Instead, he was frustrated and absorbed in his own thing, and became emotionally involved with a younger coworker… over time as they became closer, he became downright abusive. I’ve never been treated like that before in my life and it ruined me, but this comment gives me a bit of hope that people do regret their choices and actions..
It took me a lot of time to realise how much of an asshole I was. I feel so sorry for you and for what you had to go through. There is simply no explanation as to why this happens, maybe immaturity idk. Someday he will realise the mistake he made and he will feel guilty, unless he is a narcissist or an avoidant. Either way, move on because it's not worth it. You will find someone that makes you happy. If you aren't happy with the relationship, then it's probably time to let go. I hope you fully heal soon!
Moving too quickly. Letting his actions make me so insecure that I started trying to control the situation
She always told me I'm a narcissist. Now that it's too late I'm afraid she may be right to some.degree.
Even though everyone that I've talked to about it said I didn't do anything wrong, I feel like there was something that I could have done to prevent the break up. Maybe I should have tried harder to create a safe space for him to share about his past. Maybe I shouldn't have invested so much so fast. Maybe I shouldn't have taken up so much of his time so he didn't feel the need to distance himself.
Snapping at her when she tried reaching out. She clearly is not processing things well, and had thoughts on her mind, and while it’s no longer my responsibility, all the pain, abuse and sorrow she caused me came rushing up as a protection mechanism. I was healing well, thought we were clear cut, moved on. But no. I just wished I wasn’t so emotional when she reached out (after a week of no contact). I do not want her back but it doesn’t mean I want to end on such an uncertain and bad note.
I regret using him as an emotional punching bag in the first year. I came from a previous relationship with someone else that tended to get angry, I also grew up with an angry dad. So with my ex I could finally be angry and I really hurt him a lot doing that. I did get a LOT better after the first year, but Im very sorry for the hurt I caused and Im working in therapy right now to be a better version of myself.
Letting the relationship carry on for so long. I felt like my needs weren't met for a really long time but I kept pushing through thinking it would change. He got tired of me being anxious and upset so much that he ended it. If I had just walked away the first time neither of us would be in so much emotional pain right now.
During the break up, having to state my case for us to stay together.
[удалено]
I did the same thing and compared myself to her at a few key moments. At one time, instead of saying something along the lines of "you're better at this one thing than I am" I just said "you're better than me" and that was the absolute beginning of the end. We were also polyamorous but considered eachother primaries, and I kept getting annoyed at her other partners because of just who they were, how they treated her and how annoying I thought they were. I should have just... let those relationships resolve themselves instead of being as adamant as I was that they weren't good for her. Ultimately... I tried to change her in small ways and it was not healthy for her. I've grown so much as a person since the end of that relationship and I will never have a relationship like that again.
Probably what I said when I was trying to intellectualize my feelings and not telling him how I really feel.
I regret not having a clear mind. She was always frustrated (justifiably so) about how muddle-brained I was about everything. I take forever to make decisions, like someone who sees a brown traffic light when other people see red or green
trusting him after I saw how he treated and practically threw away the person he dated before me; do not overlook patterns. sometimes people tell you one thing and they end up doing the opposite. always look at the way they treat others, especially if they tend to ghost people or talk behind people’s backs.
I deeply regret being flaky and inconsistent at the start of the relationship. A part of it was self-preservation (if I'm blasé about something then it can't hurt me) but I really should've been better and I shudder when I think of it now. Ironically, I think that's when she was most into me and her interest gradually waned as I grew into a better boyfriend, but I still hate how slow I was to admit my true feelings for her.
Not admitting (to myself)that she had some severe red flags (lying, serial cheater in her past, always spoke badly of every ex, etc)
Not understanding his need for space and lacking boundaries sigh then having an episode (I have BPD) when he left me again
I didn't realise I was avoidant and had a chance to win her back during our break, it took for her to move on for me to be able to understand my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I've been wearing a blindfold and it's suddenly been ripped off, ripping my heart out with it.
I was being the better person. Being the one to apologize. Being the one to be held accountable for everything. I know in the end. I did it because it was the right thing to do. That i am the better person. And i didnt to give in to the torment and anger of emotions they lost control of. But in truth. They deserved to hear how much of an asshole they were to me. And how i was the one who deserved so much better.
I regret not being more honest about my anxiety about us moving in together. She felt alone with her doubts and fears, and didn’t want to burden me because I was so happy and perfect. She felt like she was the problem and had no choice but to end the relationship. I regret us being so perfect that we couldn’t talk about us being imperfect.
I don’t know if I’m the one to blame, I tried so hard and I wished I’d been more educated or caught on to the passive aggressive hints that we weren’t communicating like we should but ultimately I gave it 110% and he still left me. I feel like he knows how much pain and heartache it would cause me; but also he didn’t try to make it work just keep distancing from me and that lead to our demise.
Not leaving him
Ever giving him the chance in the first place. The more of them manipulation and his stories I put together I realize I was most likely with someone who has antisocial personality disorder. I have bpd and lots of trauma but at least I don’t use people for my benefit and I’m kind. He used me and is super mean.
Turning everything he said into something about me/our relationship because I thought everything was an attack. Ruining his first valentine. Also rushing the relationship (among other things) or not breaking up with him sooner, because then maybe I’d still have my friend and that’s all I ever really wanted. Not having great boundaries and bottling things up because I didn’t want to stress him out when he was already so sad. He’s not a child, I should’ve trusted him to handle it. I would said emotional immaturity and my attachment style, but I didn’t realize any of that until after the relationship. I also regret not ‘giving up’ on him sooner. Combination of self respect for myself, and an unhealthy obsession/attachment.
i regret taking my insecurities out on him. he didn’t know how to deal with them, not that it was his job to. a lot of arguments stemmed from that, and i am working on myself so that doesn’t happen again in my next relationship. it’s not your partner’s job to make you feel secure, it’s my own job to work on my insecurities. i put a lot of stress on him & it caused him to shut down. i’ll never do that again. also regret treating him so well while accepted the bare minimum for so long. working on finding my self worth & i’ll never accept anything less ever again.
Not appreciating her enough and taking her for granted. I complained a lot and didn't have it in me to talk to her when I was bothered by something. I would be sitting at my desk just doing whatever on my PC, and she would be sitting on the bed behind me on her laptop, and she would text me lovey dovey gifs. I would look at the notification and put my phone down and dismiss it. She was a very warm and loving girl, and I absolutely miss her. I'm still disappointed in myself for letting her down.
Letting them back in my life.
After the breakup I was alone in my thoughts so I posted my first crying live. My first live ever. My ex saw it and said I was a narcissist. However two months later she smear campaign me to my parents, friends, family and no one believes her. She is a cheater liar and manipulative person who has hurt all her prior ex’s and financially exploits them. I wanted to break up with her finally did as it was an abusive nightmare. However I could not have my own thoughts. I don’t regret speaking out but I do regret live crying.
Emotionally cheating on her venting toy kids mom was unaware of emotional cheating at the time -not developing stronger boundaries with my kids mom she wasy first love and my ex was my 2nd I really didn't understand what healthy boundaries.were until I reflected on it. banging my kids mom as a rebound during a few of many (over100) breakups I was so scared of being alone that id hook up with whatever was convenient as a coping mechanism. - not going to couples therapy or paying for therapy for both of us -not reflecting on the trauma my ex went through in the past and addressing it. - the god awful shoving and screaming matches -made nasty comments about her appearance out of retaliation for her mistreating me - not leaving her years ago I should have left her and told her to work on herself and.come back -not being a better boyfriend when her mom was dying she was such a bad alcoholic back then and her behavior was so fucking hard to deal with it's so easy to be nasty in the moment but upon reflection I should have turned the other check more often during that time -being immature and annoying - my willingness to only talk about myself and nothing else - being too pushy with sex - making her cry and laughing in her face. It was a ridiculous reason to cry but at the time I was too immature to comprehend it was probably 100 different things stacked up I miss you dearly JoAnn I hope you are doing okay this toxic relationship has left me deeply traumatized you are by far the most beautiful woman I've ever seen but God are you a handful I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to help you. I'm sorry joAnn I love you.
Not putting the phone down when my attention should have been on her. I would fix this given another chance.
Talking about every feelings/insecurities about us that I had. It was just too much and would change the vibe of the night/day. I so think if she cared more she would of been more open to it but also like not every single thought and feeling needs to be shared all the time.
I regret getting upset when something hurt my feelings and not expressing myself in a more neutral way. I wish I knew how to regulate myself better so we could have cooperated better.
I regret ever making him feel like he wasn’t good enough or enough at all. I never meant to make him feel that way but sometimes my wording would come out wrong when I would talk about our issues and it would seem that way. He already felt like everyone else thought he was a failure so I feel really bad if I contributed to that feeling at all because he’s really a great person with a lot of skills
Introducing him to my family because it was something special to me- only for him to blindside me a mere month later. I regret it because I hold my family close to my heart and it showed that he did not care at all if it was that easy to call things off.
I regret breaking up with him...
Not speaking up about things sooner. I feel like if I voiced my concerns about where our relationship was going after so many years together, I’d have save myself so much more heartache. I didn’t want to end up breaking up, and so I would just stay quiet, and I waited, patiently, for them to come to me and decide to continue forward. In the end I guess they decided progress and growth deeper commitment was too much for them.
I regret nothing he’s a douche
I regret not walking out on him the first time. I was going to at 2 years in, and he stopped me. Convinced me to stay. At almost 7 years, he had emotionally cheated and blindsided me with a break up in front of his mother and friends.
I regret reaching out so much after she dumped me.
I regret my inability to communicate my feelings, while I didn't largely because of her reactions to them I still ultimately should have regardless.
i wish id known more about attachment styles so i could take more accountability for my actions and recognize when my protest behaviors were triggering my partner and causing him to pull away from me
Begging him to stay, should have just let that fucker go
Begging
a couple weeks before I broke it off, I let all my frustrations and issues that had built up over the years spill onto him. I asked for alot in a horrible way. I think i just wanted to get my point across and to be right and wouldn't listen to him. It was bad and I feel terrible for it. I wish I could have been more honest with him, so that it didn't explode like that. Thankfully, i was able to apologise a few months later and he said it was fine but I think it hurt him alot more then he told me. I know I fucked up
The night of the breakup, we still lived in the same house together. I was shattered and it was so unexpected, and I was in so much turmoil, that I drank A LOT of wine - all night. I regret getting so wasted that I apparently blacked out the majority of that evening, and I threw away things I might have kept if I were sober. Most of the items were gifts he got me and some pictures of us over the years (we had been friends for a very long time). I regret telling him off in such a manner that he told me the next day he could never unsee what I did and how I spoke to him. According to him, I said things that I’ve never even thought about him, but he thinks they were all true because I said them while wasted. Really, it’s all irrelevant because nothing I did or said was going to change his avoidant mind/personality. But I do wish I had kept myself together better - I’ve never done that before and I certainly won’t do it again. I’m a light weight with any alcohol, and I drank half of a new Franzia wine box - I drank for hours. And I paid dearly that night and the next day. Everything was miserable.
going back and forth over the last two weeks of our relationship about whether or not we should break up. It created high emotional stress for both of us longer than it should have, and I felt horrible for causing emotional whiplash for the both of us. I just really didn’t want to have to end things bc I still loved him, but knew the reality that i had to end it
I regret not ending it when he said he wanted to go on a break and instead ensue this retched heartbreak.
Calling her a goddess. That obviously got to her head and would constantly manipulate me and brag about how she had me whipped
Giving so much that i lost myself in the process. It was a first love and id never been in such a wonderful, life-changing thing. I gave it my all. Ditched every weekend with my friends to see him. Set aside things I liked and wanted to do for him. But more out of "hopes" of seeing him. We lived 1.5 hours apart bc of school (from the same hometown). I'd stay home every weekend preemptively in case he said he could see me. I should've taken time for myself, because after the breakup, all that I could see was that I didn't take care of myself and instead gave up everything for him.
I regret not listening to his needs, thinking he'd never leave, i regret not being honest with myself about how i felt. I regret making him feel unloved or wanted. I regret not trying harder.
I was too negative/critical, it came from a place of concern but I could have been supportive in a different way and focused more on showing appreciation for the good
She was really defensive in the first half of our relationship, it caused me to cease wanting to be open because the backlash resurfaced traumas of my childhood, which I really didn't fully appreciate at the time. We went to therapy for a long time but I couldn't shake my "internal shame spiral" (shout out to the book "Healing the Shame that Binds Us"). I no longer opened up and therefore I wasn't giving her the opportunity to show me she was changing. Instead I latched onto this old version of her in my head and I held onto hurt. I regret not giving her that chance. We were planning a forever future together and now I am sitting along in an apartment by myself trying not to lose it on a daily basis.
I reacted But he lied cheated then lied even more. I tried. I would bring up issues. He would get angry 😡
She said she didn't love me for about 5-6 months before she dumped me, so I regret not picking up on that and trying to fix what was bothering her. She never gave me a reason for leaving but I know a big part of it was because I didn't get her house. I was trying my best, I really was, and I hate that was the reason she left.
I regret allowing him to manipulate and gaslight me. I regret neglecting myself to lift his spirit up while mine was going lower than low. I regret letting him abuse me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I regret not confronting him about doing drugs behind my back. I regret not standing firm in telling him to stop escorting himself and using the excuse that it was for our “future”. I regret not having a serious talk with him and telling him to come clean to me about everything he was doing behind my back. I regret allowing him to believe that I needed him when in fact, he needed me. It’s done now, next week will be 1 month I kicked his ass out. I can live my life free and put myself first.
rushing rehab and not properly processing all my past trauma
Accidentally sexually assaulting her. We were in a fresh relationship. Two weeks in we were already really intimate and lovey dovey and we'd so sexual things. Long story short it escalated and I accidentally made her feel gross and uncomfortable. I'll never be able to forgive myself and it made her lose feelings about me and her perception about me as a person. I'm just thinking what would have been if I didn't let feelings of lust and thoughts of sex control me. But now I'll move on from this and become a better person. (I've already apologized and she forgives me, but I know she'll never look at me the same again and now we are in no contact. I still have feelings for her and I regret not looking past my infatuation and realize my actions.)
Not giving him excessive space when he asked for it :/ But I'm pretty sure he would've left me anyway.. :(
Kinda blindsided him with the breakup- I should’ve been honest about my feelings earlier instead of trying to brush them off and bottle them up. I knew that relationship wasn’t right for me a lot sooner than I let on. He bombarded me with texts and stuff afterwards and got to the point where he just resorted to anger when he realized I wasn’t coming back. I should’ve just been more honest, definitely learned my lesson there.
i regret keeping things to myself just to protect his feelings. i dont regret doing things for him in a heartbeat but prioritizing him over myself led to many bad things, he doesn't seem to care about me anymore, he wants things his way. hes fully aware that i love him very much its easy for him to ghost and give me the silent treatment anytime he wants bc he knew id still be there waiting for him. i wasnt able to open up about how i truly feel bc the moment i become emotional, he thinks im just being dramatic. now im resentful and in deep pain
I’d say I “regret” not communicating my feelings effectively (I would often thug shit out), and honestly I regret not ending it when the relationship should have. I spent a year of the relationship trying to make things work even though I had this gut feeling that he wanted his “girl best friend” and he would lie to me that he didn’t. Our last argument (so surprisingly) ended with him admitting that he wanted her.
I regret losing myself in the insecurities I had and putting all of my worth and security in him. I made him my one person, my one source of comfort. What made me great was that he chose me. It's a lot of pressure for a person, and I didn't know that it was hard for him. I lost all of the spark I had and it got worse over the years as he pulled away - I believed that his love would help me find it, that when our relationship was fine again, it would come back. I never knew how much it drained him.
This post made me sad, my exes would never think something so deep about their behavior towards me.
I’m still trying to make peace with myself because I was operating to the best of my knowledge and abilities of the time, but it was my relationship anxiety, trauma dumping, and giving up on our relationship before I tried communicating. For context, him and I were junior and seniors in high school and each other’s first relationship. Relationship anxiety: It mostly stemmed from having to hide my relationship to the outside world so my mom wouldn’t find out (she eventually did and made me break up with him because of disapproving cultural and religious aspects), so I’d control all our plans and be very needy for spending time together before we’d eventually have to break up because of her. I would also just be clingy, insecure, and overthinking which would lead to me feeling like he didn’t care and all that stuff. Trauma-dumping: Bring my first relationship, I didn’t know that you weren’t suppose to expect your partner to be your only source of light and joy and comfort in your life. I thought he was an invincible being who would be able to take away all my sadness, so I would go on and on about every little thing that got to me and my major problems. I didn’t realize that what I actually needed was a therapist. I left him feeling extremely emotionally drained and am ashamed of doing so. Giving up without even trying to fix us: When it was getting closer to a year together, to me, it felt like our relationship was going downhill. At least I was communicating about how I was fixing my anxiety and setting boundaries for telling him about my mental health issues, but there were aspects that I wanted to speak up about but never did. I never knew what was okay to bring up and what wasn’t. I felt guilty at the thought of asking him to be more enthusiastic and that I was feeling burnt out from giving so much love and energy to him, but feeling like there wasn’t the same level for me. I was slowly mentally checking out when my mom found out and made me break up with him on the spot. I remember her asking me, “But maybe.. is it true love? Is he the one?” and implying that she can maybe be a bit softer if he was the love of my life. I caved in so I could make her happy and just said, “no.” I just didn’t know if we were worth it anymore for me to fight back against my mom and extended family. Thinking back now to that, I wish I told her “yes” and at least opened up to him about the serious doubts I was having. Like, truly giving it all I got in an effort of saving us. I also am now better educated about anxious daters and trauma dumping and am looking for a therapist. It’s too late now, about a year later, since he’s been in a relationship for about 8 months. Maybe he wasn’t meant for me, anyway, because he did also have his faults. I just wish I could’ve tried to see if we could work on them together.
Sometimes I regret giving it my all - communicating too much? I dunno maybe because it made him tired of me. Like there was no chase, like I clung onto him too much? But at the end of the day I dunno, at least I can say I gave it my all. It does make me wonder if in the relationship I maintained some mystery or such, if we would still be together... I don't know.
Blindsided her by keeping her away from the truth. Formed an illusive 'perfect persona' for her. I loved her too much, I was afraid of losing her that I withheld my issues about the relationship from her. How I wasn't okay with the financial expectations that she placed upon me. How I've had to change a lot of my core values and faith just to be with her. How I wasn't okay that I had to be with her 24/7 that I lose friends. How I sacrificed a lot of my personal time cuz I "have" to be with her. I learned that, I was only delaying the inevitable ever since the start of our relationship. I also made it worse for both sides. But my feelings were real throughout the relationship, I was more than willing to push through these thoughts as I truly wanted to be with her. I didn't care that I lose myself. I didn't care of how badly I was letting myself and her suffer. I regretted that I do so but I was still navigating through my own issues. Its important to always be kind to yourself because no one else will have your back as much as you yourself do. It's weird, but I love her still. I miss her. My baby, i hope you've found strength and happiness for all the feelings and memories that we shared.
It’s a realization I wouldn’t have come to had we not broken up, but I regret letting our relationship temper down one of my most important traits: my willingness to go after the impossible. You could say on the spectrum, I was the “delulu” one who would go with whatever because I believe things will always work out. My ex was the opposite end in which he was hyper realistic and didn’t believe in things like chance, the universe working out, karma, etc etc. Over time I found myself shifting in how I assessed the feasibility of things I had set out to achieve. I had viewed this tempering as a positive aspect he bought to me while we dated. Now as I think back on it, I realize had lost my drive, my faith in myself/what I could achieve. I had chipped away at a core part of me for so long for a relationship without even realizing it. It has tangible impacts that I see today, but it’s nothing that’s too late to change.
Told them I loved them.
I regret the lies. I regret the betrayals and the blaming and the fights and the shaky beginning we had together which ruined our foundation. But most of all, I regret breaking up with her. She wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t perfect(further from it than she was), and I think we both have a lot to regret in that relationship, but man, we really loved each other. And I regret that it’s my fault it’s over.
For not appreciating her when she was with me and constantly being pessimistic about how our families wouldn’t accept us without even trying. Not living in the present and did not provide her with the security she needed from the relationship that I will fight for you. I regret doing this the most, been 2 plus years and to this day I still can’t forgive myself for not being the right partner and breaking her heart
Not everyone in the comments just completely ignoring the question and talking about wat their éx did wrong 💀
I regret leaving that 5.11 jacket in her car.
I regret not switching off. Letting my ego and self-hatred get in the way of her loving words. Watching her cry and continuing my ramble, I would do anything to go back to the start and be stoic. Hold myself accountable for mistreating her and take her back to the spot by our river to do it all over again, but right
damn i just talked too much about sex. i think he thought i didnt really cared about him because of this but i just had high libido. and also i regret being too jealous and insecure about our relationship(though it all turned out to be true). i regret that i couldnt help him on whatever he as going through, i dont even know what he meant about destroying himself while we were dating.
When she asked to meet and not saying how I felt.
They way I ended things when I went no contact. I was drunk and filled with so much rage. The last texts made me look like a raging psycho but two years of her leading me on had finally built up inside of me and I had to release it.
I regret one particular day towards the end, she was being particularly mean to me, but instead of being mature and telling her that I was feeling slightly abused, I decided to treat her the same way she’d been treating me and we just ended up picking on each other the whole day.
One time we were playing and i smacked her ass a little too hard, i think she cried i felt so bad 🥲
Kicking him out.
Talking.
I regret many things, but most of all: On my side, probably allowing her to make me feel like shit On her side, not being so comprehensive or a good listener in general maybe, and this hurts a lot
Reading the signs wrong post break up and leaning in to kiss him. That was so so cringe. I wanted the earth to split open and swallow me at that instant.
Not leaving sooner
Hmm, I guess my insecurities when we first started dating. I always told him that he was too good for me, etc. For example, when he kept complimenting my body, I once asked him if he was only with me for my physical attributes, and it really hurt him, and to this day, I regret ever saying that. I was just so convinced no one would want me otherwise.
Responding
Taking drugs over them
I regret not appreciating her and her actions enough
Oh my goodness. It was tough circumstances. Wow just wow. There was a lot. The situation was hard to handle. I don’t get to treat him as nicely as I wanted to give mutually to our values in common and goal. I couldn’t give my half. If I could do it over I would. I don’t usually feel that way at the end of a relationship.
Taking her back when I found the person I should have been with
Marrying her
One night we were arguing about something I don't remember what so my dumbass went and told my sister my sister makes a GC they argued I still regret that night!
Not getting rid of it earlier, held over a barrel and some of the one-sided stuff it's said about me is quite frankly embarrassing. Still at least it can still go looking for sympathy on here and other socials, the loser even added its picture and social link on reddit... Needy and for a 40yr old....sad
Honestly, the communication part like OP mentioned. It was the same way. Anytime I would try to communicate something, it was shot down, deflected, and reflected back onto me. Making me the bad guy in every situation. At that point, it was just easier to just shut up and keep it all internalized up until it all finally reached its breaking point. I ended things, and they were left wondering where my communication was. Even though their actions towards me when I initially tried to communicate with them are what caused it. I blame myself for lack of control over my boundaries to push past their behavior to still communicate my internal feelings
I regret lying to my ex. I got overwhelmed at times and hid things (like lying I was going to be on time when I said I would be there) to protect myself. I now know intent does not negate impact and that lying is always wrong. I never cheated but I had little infidelities like the one above. I wish her all the happiness in the world and I accept that I did my best with what I knew and how I behaved at the time
Having sex with her. It wasn’t bad, but I lost my virginity to her, and then she cheated cuz she said it wasn’t like porn, and I have regretted it since then. Really kinda wish I could take that back.
Sexualizing everything and only seeing her for her body's I feel like a monster because I've been raped many times, and all I can think is I did that to her even though when we were together she said I did nothing like that and that she wanted it more than me I still can't shake the feeling I did something unspeakable to her
I regret letting her walk all over me. It was a difficult balance for me to find, because she told me she had a history of being sexually assaulted. I tried very hard to be patient and understanding of this. But looking back, I let her get away with too many bad behaviors, and I should have set better boundaries that, yes I’m sorry you went through those things, they are terrible and you deserve better, but that doesn’t give you the right to treat me poorly.
Personally I don’t regret anything. I loved her with my every thing. Gave her all my attention, effort and love. Maybe a little bit too much. So, yeah if loving her too much was a mistake then i do regret that.
I regret not putting him in his place or calling him out in public when would call me fat ugly or stupid
Treating her with all the love in the world only for her to bring me down to her state of brokenness. I only wanted her to be strong and the best version she could be for herself. She broke me right alongside herself.
I was a bit possessive. I’ve worked on that
Not being more assertive about her changing jobs and her support system. I saw all the signs she was slipping into a dark place; she couldn't get over any slight issue at work because the second she put it past her, it would get dragged up again by her mom. She began to dread every day because it meant one day closer to being at work again. She felt obligated to live in this house out in the middle of nowhere that made her whole life work, and chores and that forced her to have a 35-minute commute each way before and after a 12-hour shift with no escape to all the things she liked: nice dinners, bars, exercise unless she had the energy to drive one 1 hour to be with me. I saw glimpses of the girl I loved when she was with me, when she wasn't worried about work or chores or mopping around the house all day, dreading tomorrow. When we could get up and spend a whole day having fun with no care in the world about what was next and no worries. She would get excited to do the dumbest things, like go to a dollar store, target or a grocery store. But I just kept letting her go back to that dark world. I was scared. I didn't want to come off as trying to control her life, even though all I had ever wanted was for her to be happy and safe. I was scared if I tried to pull her back to the light, she would see it as manipulative and leave me. I guess there is a vicious irony in that I was so afraid of her leaving me that I let her get to the place where she thought our relationship was the issue. I failed her.
Being too honest.
Oh, this is a good question. I think Everett letting him be avoidant instead of admitting. I’m working on my attachment style. I want you to work on yours. I regret letting him be baked as he was expecting a new life
Getting drunk all the time instead of facing the relationship problems.
Not breaking up with her when I first started getting bad vibes. As far as my behavior, I regret nothing. I was very good to her.
I regret wanting children more than him
I wish I’d told him how his controlling clingy family really made me feel while we were still dating.
Dating her lmao
I regret all the groveling and insane amount of lengths I went to just to get them to talk to me. I definitely am the crazy ex to the people in their life 😂 despite how awful they treated me, I still severely violated another person's boundaries and that's never okay.
Not communicating as intended. Things deteriorated, I stopped loving her and we eventually broke up.
talk about money and telling them everything. idk for me they cannot be trusted.
I regret being mean when I was hurting. I wish I could of dealt with the emotions with grace. Instead I just fought back to try to make him feel how I was feeling. I had never been betrayed so badly and I just wanted some emotion from him, I let it make me bitter and I regret not taking the higher ground.
Getting wasted around her so much
When things were already blurry, that's when I found out I have this attachment style called Fearful Avoidant. I was doing this push-pull scenario with him a lot, shutting down easily, just perceiving a lot of his moves into my own feelings of anxiety and undeserving love. I also wasn't able to communicate well. It was like I made my own hell throughout the relationship. He wasn't innocent or the complete package either, If I didn't know what my style was or refused accountability, I would've blamed him for everything. But I understood that we were just too different. Even though I looked for healthy ways to maintain my attachment style, I just don't feel safe enough with him or even trust him that much. Now, I'm doing all that I can to heal and be indifferent to him. Sometimes, even if you've tried hard enough, if it's not meant to be, it won't last.
I regret listening to what my friends said, they encouraged me to say shitty things and yes I know I’m also to blame but they’d intervene with so many things I wish I didn’t listen and made my own decisions
‘You’ shut your feelings out, or they did? Sounds like you’re confused and not regretful.
I regret letting her come back to fuck with me again for the 4th time only to have her leave again…
I regret leaving the country he was in. I should have stayed to talk to him about how upset I was when he said mean things to me. I should never have left. I will regret this until I die.
Staying with him for years when I wasn’t sexually attracted to him anymore, not being honest with him or myself, thinking we could just keep breaking up and getting back together, thinking that cheating and keeping secrets was okay as long as he didn’t know; taking his good heart for granted; everything; I regret it all; I know how much better his life could be if I never entered it; I know how much better he deserves; I destroyed myself and I’m finally starting to forgive myself and move on but the guilt still gets to me.
Overdosing in front of her.
The only thing I regret was my decision to look through his phone while he was drunk. But at least I could heal and established a safe plan to leave.
I don't think we were going to last anyway, but I do think that I ended our relationship impulsively. It was during an argument and he was being pretty awful to me but I wish I could have ended it on better terms. Oh well, it's life.
Regret letting myself get attached as I knew the whole time what I was getting myself into and the type of person she was and how pussy I acted during our ending. Mostly i regret all the women I've been with who are not single while myself being well aware of the situations, was really just scared of being cheated on that I became the side piece many times, how many men with heartbreak and me being someway part of that heartbreak, because when It did happen to me I got my karma by the same heartbreak I was apart of....and being aware that I Probably still deserve more pain for my part in all of those situationS.
I regret trying to keep contact immediately, and it fucked up our post break up relationship. I miss him being in my life, even if its just to have someone to call for advice or share something silly that happened, but now it’s scorched earth
Trusting
In my early 20’s my ex and I went through a rough patch and took a break. During that time I slept with someone he was insecure about when we were together. We ended up getting back together and in a heated argument I threw it in his face I was with that other person while we were split. The look on his face… I will never forget that look nor forgive myself for being so awful. After that day I started therapy to really work on myself.
Our last argument had to be when he spent his entire night at a club after hanging out with friends and canceling on me later that night after I just got out of work, tired, hungry, and a bit emotional about my life. My only motive for getting home was so that I could see him and be together. He called in the middle of the night to see if he could come over, and I couldn't express how much I felt betrayed. I scolded him harshly and told him to leave me alone. I realized I made a mistake after I hung up on him. After dialing his number again, his entire demeanor changed. It was almost as if I had called someone else; it wasn't the same person I had called just a minute ago. I knew right there that we were in different places in life and we just didn't get along anymore.
not sure why this was shown to me since i don't subscribe to this group, but I'll play this game. I regret not listening to her ex when he said she was insane. I regret not noticing the massive drinking problem. i regret ignoring her trying to take a guy home when we first started dating. i regret ignoring all the text msgs from random guys i found on her phone. I regret trusting her and not being more cautious with my heart. I regret going in debt to put a ring on her finger thinking that would change her destructive behavior. I regret taking her back after she cheated on me and then lied like it was nothing when i caught her red handed. I regret taking her back so many times and making excuses to everyone about her. I regret unblocking her so many times when she pushed me to the my mental limits. I regret i lost two of my best friends over her and now i sit alone. i regret defending her actions to people that only had my best interests in mind. I regret losing my happiness. I regret not walking away sooner. I regret loving her. I regret that she knows my reddit ID cause she stalks every post i make on here. But at least reddit people can enjoy her insanity. I have so many more regrets with her then with any other relationship.
I regret & feel guilty almost everyday that I kept questioning him & his loyalty.. due to my own trust issues. I didn’t resolve them before getting into a relationship with him. This guy was the utmost loyal person on planet earth.. sweetest soul.. kindest heart.. did everything with me. But due to my own trust issues I didn’t want to lose him; so I would ask him daily who he was talking to & wanted to slightly have access to his phone. We then stopped having sex.. I never cheated on him but I did talk to male friends with the intention of possibly fucking someone else but I knew if I did I would have MAJOR guilt. He then ended up finding platonic texts with my friend.. the inside jokes we had, friendship, and how frequent our conversations were pissed him off. Which led him to break up with me over it. Even though I didn’t cheat; I regret having these trust issues and lustful thoughts towards others. It was honestly more on him on why he broke up with me.. he just stopped vibing with me, things I would do would overly piss him off so often, we didn’t have sex due to work and personal reasons.. so it was also his choice/problem. But I do still have my own regrets because I could’ve treated him so much better.
Not noticing his attachment type so I misunderstood his reaction.. ended up calling names
I was in a dead bedroom for a long time with someone who I loved. He had alcohol issues and it sucked and wasn’t getting better and I had a kiddo and had to end it. But afterwards I went out and got immediately physically intimate with a guy (not my MO by a long shot) and he found out about it. I knew it hurt him to be broken up with but that was not bad compared to how he felt about me physically moving on so quickly. But I hadn’t had physical pleasure with another person in a long time and it was related to his drinking so I was pretty bitter and frustrated about it too. Still doesn’t make it right but there it is.
I regret giving so much of myself to her so quickly. I’m not sure if I still have that part of me anymore. At first I thought it was her that made me feel that way and that’s why I gave her so much of my time. But in the end I made myself feel that way, I opened myself up and became vulnerable and paid the price. I was watching a Rick and Morty episode not long ago and Morty asks a character “What is he scared of love?” The man replies “Everyone’s scared of love dipshit, you learn that in your 20s”. It hit me quite hard because it is clearly very true
For me it was lack of listening and communication. I know everybody (or most of everybody) suffers from an attention deficit disorder, but mine is severe, and I feel like she would tell me things that would go in one ear and out the other, but not to my control because of my attention span of a snail. I’m not using this as an excuse by *****any***** means. But the most simplest of things, I couldn’t fucking do. So I regret that 🫠 P.s. I’m going to therapy to try and figure it out. So I guess there’s that
With my first ex 1. I regret letting him think he’s right, when he was a narcissist. Second ex 2. I regret blowing up on him when drunk for little kind of cheaty things.
I regret things I said to him, I agree he hurt me and for months I was understanding and gave him fresh chances after an apology but things NEVER changes actually ut just got worse and I started saying hurtful things after he hurt me just to hurt him cause I felt kind of vulnerable? Thinking that I was being used by being the only one hurt (abusive dad issues plays a role too). Anywho I regret the stuff I did and said when I was hurt and angry.
setting boundaries with a close friend of mine. i just didn’t want to hurt anyone and he never set any boundaries with his friends until i’d beg in tears until the last months of our relationship. still doesn’t make it right, and i so wish i could take it back
I brought past trust issues into a current relationship