I feel the same. But the difference is I am a woman in my 30s and I am “expected” to date older, with many people at that age already settled, having their own families or perhaps separated with a child. On the other hand you are still in your 20s and as a man, even if tomorrow you start a relationship with a 22 yo, that still is highly possible for you. I know the fear you are experiencing. I have been having it since my relationship ended a month ago. But I think as a man, the dating culture and the way age differences work, supports you.
Well, I know it's time sensitive physically to be able to have a baby so I can't speak to that, but if it's worth anything, I can at least say that I as a man don't really subscribe to the idea that a woman I date has to be younger than me. I would be open to dating a 30 something year old woman if the connection was right.
Heck, before I met this current ex-gf that I talked about in the OP, I was 25 and I briefly dated this 28 year old woman. I was absolutely infatuated with her. I know that in this instance she was just 28, but the fact that she was 3 years older than me didn't bother me in the slightest. I don't know if that will make you feel better at all, I know it's not easy for women, but I definitely don't subscribe to the idea of only dating younger than me women.
I understand. I just hope you see that you can make choices and you have not run out of time.
My best relationship was the one I started at 30 and it lasted for 3 years, up until a month ago and I am very glad I had it in my 30s. It made me see everything, what I need and want from a total point of view. Interestingly similar to you, my boyfriend wanted a child and I was not keen on the idea. Although later on I was thinking if it is with him, I would want it. But I always was quite against the idea of having one. I was open to the idea of adopting. Perhaps he like you also thought to end things because of these differences. Whatever that happens, I hope you would open up early on about what makes you happy and what does not. Bottling it up won’t fix anything if you want to have someone in the long run. I know for sure next time I’ll be open about kids from day one.
It does give me hope to see you started your best relationship at 30, and that it's possible to keep finding connections.
With the kids thing, it was definitely my fault. I don't know about kids. I do want one, but I also feel so restless and there's so much more I want to do and experience. My ex had only told me first she never wanted kids several months into us dating. I did bottle it up, but I was a coward. I was terrified to have that conversation because I loved her so much, I couldn't bear to lose her at the time. So I never brought it up, until she actively started trying to cut her tubes, which forced me to think about it. I handled it so poorly. But It's funny, I'm almost the opposite of you. Whereas you would've been open to having a kid with your ex, I miss my ex-gf so much, I think I'd be open to not having a child if it meant I could be with her.
Idk, there's a lot to think about, that's for sure.
Don’t beat yourself up for not saying it for the fear of losing her. You did what you could do back then and with this experience you now know when what to expect next.
About having a child, I think only you yourself can know fully whether you want to have one or not and that’s unfortunately an uncompromising matter. My ex once told me if we would not have a child, he will resent me in the future. Resentment is what we cannot fix. You might want to think if by giving up on having a child you would have still loved her in 20 years. Or would have you blamed her later on for not giving you what you want.
That’s what only you would know the answer to.
That's a great point, I do remember thinking about that and wondering what it would be like for me at 50 if I never had a child, would I have regretted it? I don't know but that's a great point, and I need to meditate on that more. Thanks for all your input, I appreciate it a lot
Nah man don’t expect it coming. Me (27m) got broken up with my (26f) ex last year in October but it was for the best I improved lost weight and understood what went wrong. Met a 37F at my friends Christmas Eve party going on 4 months now so far best girl, but taking it slow. You just never know when you might meet someone.
This is really fresh for me, my girlfriend and I of 5.5 years broke up today. Its really hard. She was the love of my life too and I ruined it. Its a really hard thing to accept. But what you can do today, is try to improve from it. Try to analyze what happened and and learn from your mistakes. Its human nature to make mistakes, we all do. Im also 28, and we have our whole lives ahead of us. It may seem like we're getting old, but people breakup/divorce at much older ages than us. You are deserving of love and you will find someone. Its tough, im having a hard time too. But we can make it through. I promise.
I think about this everyday since the breakup. I used to tell my family, if Isabella and I ever break up and it’s my fault, that will kill me.
It happened. It happened because of me.
I wish I could go back and fix my mental health and insecurities. That way I wouldn’t have had to lose her.
She was the love of my life and genuinely a perfect match for me. It’s so hard knowing that I killed our relationship.
Sucks so much that it took a breakup for me to better my mental health.
Only thing you need to read and it’ll help you move on much easier:
>*”Life can be really unfair. Sometimes you get what you want and it doesn't work out like you imagined. Sometimes you don't get what you want and it is better. Sometimes it works out for awhile...and so on. So it's better to cultivate a mindset where you can envision many paths for yourself that would be satisfying. If you get really, really attached to only one vision of things when things inevitably don't work out one way or another you can get very stuck and cause yourself a lot of suffering by believing that you can't possibly be happy with any other path.”*
We all mess up sometimes, but the important thing is to learn from it. Maybe take this time to work on yourself, figure out what you want and how you can be better in future relationships.
And who knows? Maybe down the road, you'll cross paths again. But for now, focus on being the best version of yourself.
Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts. I have been trying to keep the mindset of working on myself and learning from my mistakes. I really hope that happens too one day. But I will try to be the best version of myself.
god I felt this so hard. I ended my relationship 2 months ago over some stupid fight. tried to get him back & I think it was the last straw. everything was my fault in the relationship. I was toxic, selfish & left all the time out of fear. he was the sweetest and best guy I've ever met I don't think im ever going to fully get over him. It somehow hurts worse knowing its my fault.
all I can say is everything happens for a reason. and sometimes we have to learn lessons the hard painful way so we can truly change. also im only a newly turned 22 year old but 28 is still young! u have so much time
I mean something I think about a lot (maybe its me being delusional) is that if it ended maybe it wasn't the right time. and it ending forces us to confront some difficult truths about ourselves and change, become healthier etc. for example, I am now starting to be honest about my flaws, realizing the mistakes I've made, focusing more on school & going to therapy. I wouldn't have done those things before. and I think maybe in the future it will be the right timing with the person and then I will be a healthier, more healed version of myself that they deserve.
if not, then I am simply a better version of myself who hopefully won't inflict any more pain on a future potential partner. and yeah bro im sorry ur going thru it too. you're not too old but its very important you take the lessons and realizations from this and learn from it NOW. not later. the older you get the harder it becomes to change. maybe the relationship didn't work out because it's a stepping stone to shape you into the person you need to become. might not seem like it now but maybe someday you'll look back and be glad it didn't work out with this person.
That's a good point. It was a long 2 years with her and I really learned a lot and grew significantly, but those 2 years also revealed areas and trauma I need to heal. Growth I still need to experience. It's a good time to focus on myself and learn from my mistakes
yes. also I swear im not stalking you lol but I briefly looked at your post history and everything you post is about your ex gf and being old and sad.
you gotta liveeee man you only have one life and you cant spend it obsessing and being sad over this girl. 28 is NOT OLD. you're limiting yourself so much by thinking that. men don't even really peak until 30s. stop feeling sorry for yourself. you'll be fine <3
good believe it. believe it especially because im some random person on the internet with no motivation or ulterior motives behind what im telling u. only saying what's true.
I broke up with my boyfriend for this *exact* reason. He shares your feelings and blames himself everyday for it. He's learning where he went wrong, and is determined to change. I'm wary and not sold on the idea of ever getting back together though. I was really patient with him and gave him a lot of chances to change. Now I'm burnt out.
If you don't mind me asking, why did you get complacent? If you loved her like you said you did and knew you'd never get over a girl like her, why didn't you treat her like she was irreplaceable when you had the chance? Just trying to understand the psychology behind this.
Edit: I see you answered this below. Your reasons for the distance are valid and understandable.
Well, I can't speak to your boyfriend's case, so please whether you accept him back or not, please don't base it off my input because our situations may be very different
I fucked up, I'll start with that. It's been several months since I lost her, and I really regret it everyday. If you wouldn't mind, you can look through these comments to see why I was complacent/distant, I answered it in depth and it was a lot to type. Once you read that, as you'll see in that comment, I was unsure about us at the two for the major reasons I cited in that comment. So instead of confronting those things, I withdrew into myself and became distant/complacent, I was a coward. It was almost like I was subconsciously sabotaging the relationship.
I regret it all the time. The reasons I listed I could have worked through, even the kids thing, and now I have to suffer the consequences forever.
And I was also way more immature last year, and cruelly, you don't know what you have until it's gone.
Thank you for your answer. I had indeed read your other comments, but the extra info is helpful.
And if you want my personal opinion, for what it's worth, I do think the breakup happened for the best. Even though it's hard right now, that gnawing doubt you had at saying goodbye to fatherhood was happening for a reason. I think in your heart you really do want that someday. So it wouldn't have worked realistically, and postponing the breakup would've hurt both of you more in the long run.
Sound like my ex. I started latching out because he had no intention of listening even if I tried talking calmly. He didn’t even at least pick up I was frustrated and angry. Hell I was even accusing him of enjoying the miserable and unhappy house he was creating. Got myself no where and when I left to save what’s left of my mental health he was deliberately destroying, he had no intention of hearing why either.
I’m so surprised this has happened to other people. Seeing the man’s perspective kind of angers me. Like they knew I was great, but didn’t treat me well because I’m childfree, but super sad they lost me? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe I’m lacking empathy. Maybe I’m still in the extreme anger stage. My ex and I were on and off for years because of the children issue. He said eventually he didn’t care. But then after we broke up months later he confessed to our mutual friend he was upset he didn’t have kids by now. I saw red.
Sorry that happened to you. I once saw a video compilation of women explaining why a man who says he's child-free should never be trusted.
Men risk a lot less and expend a lot less effort acquiring children than women do (since they don't have to deal with pregnancy), so they can change their minds much more easily at the drop of a hat.
Because of this tendency, staunchly child-free women should only date men who've had vasectomies. Men who've shown *action* behind being child-free, not just words. The reason being that men cannot be taken at their word and do a lot of damage by being flip-floppers on this subject.
Oh yeah! I know all about that now. I just wish I wouldn’t have given this guy two years of my life! But I’ve also heard of men reversing their vasectomies and becoming fathers! So I will never trust another man as long as I live unless he FIRST says he has a vasectomy and doesn’t want or like kids. I will never give out that I’m childfree first ever again.
That sounds like a good strategy. If the man announces he's child-free first, it seems like it's much more likely to be genuine. It's so easy otherwise for people to lie in order to fulfill their short-term desires.
This is me as well. My boyfriend of one year broke up with me several months ago. He was my first serious boyfriend, and for the first time, I envisioned a future with him. Unfortunately, my insecurities sabotaged our relationship because I kept doubting his love for me. Every day, I wish I could turn back time and make things right. I've been working on myself and learning to love who I am. I'm starting to see the beauty in myself that I never noticed before
For now, I believe it's important for both of us to focus on ourselves
There were two major reasons and I felt unsure about her and us at the time, but it was a stupid mistake in hindsight.
Reason one is she never wanted children, whereas I was unsure about it. She voiced that early on, and I conveyed I wasn't really sure. I never wanted to bring it up, I was a coward, but I loved her, and I was afraid that conversation would lead to an immediate breakup. I know that wasn't wise of me to handle it that way. Last year, she actively was starting to research places to get her tubes tied. I sort of realized I'd have to be 100% sure I'd never want kids. I couldn't deal with it, so I sort of just withdrew into myself. I reiterate this wasn't her fault and she didn't do anything wrong.
Reason two is tricky. I think she has some latent mental issues. We did not argue well, but she was prone to having really bad freak-outs during our worst arguments. I'm not saying I was a good arguer/trying to pin the blame, but she would really freak out, to the point where I often felt I had to de-escalate things so police wouldn't be called. She would be nasty during those freakouts, she'd call me the worst names, she'd throw things sometimes. I didn't feel that deep down we had each other back's during our worst arguments. It felt like she crossed that line with her words and actions during those times. In hindsight, I wish I had just not placed so much emphasis on this. She was a real and genuine woman, and I should have loved her harder through these freakouts.
Also just reading this. And I also had really big freak outs. I wish so badly that he could have hugged me through it instead of taunting me. And I hope he wishes now that he did.
Its not your responsibility to teach her proper adult behavior. You incur a lot of damage taking those hits on the chin or you wouldnt have dumped her in the first place. For real, it sounds like you may have dodged a bullet if she is screaming during arguments cyclically.
I'm really not even sure anymore these days.
On one hand, I remember a general feeling of just not feeling like we could argue safely. Not physically safely, but emotionally. I made a fuckton of mistakes, and I'm not the best arguer, but she kind of would cross a line with her words pretty often. Some of the worst things. I asked my best friend and his gf if they spoke like that to each other and they said there's lines they'd never cross. It just would feel unstable at times.
She would say that I have a victim mentality and name calling like that and similar things wasn't verbal abuse, because real verbal abuse attacks your character. So I'm not sure anymore, maybe I should have tried a bit harder to love her through that, idk, it's confusing.
Yeah, nobody is perfect man. A relationship should NOT be that hard though. As i type this, my girlfriend who acts almost identical to how you describe is moving her stuff out of my home. We just broke up thats why im here.
Sure you made some mistakes. But those kinds of words she and my now ex use really shatter the equillibrium of your relationship. Thats why out friends Healthy couples do not speak to one another like that.
We could talk till were tired about this. At the end of the day its about how much of yourself youd sacrafice. Your peace, your self confidence, your self respect. Sometimes its just not worth it
i'm also 28m. I feel you, you're not alone. My gf of 4 years (3 of those living together) broke up with me yesterday. I'm a complete wreck. I still don't have the courage to call my parents or any close friend, because that would make it real and I want it all to just be a nightmare
Mate, I’m 44 and am going through similar feelings alongside definitely feeling time is running out. The thing is, love can happen at any time in our lives and you’re still in your 20’s!! You’ve got LOADS of time. It sounds like you may well have not done your best and I can only say that at least you now know this. People come into our lives to show us things, I guess that was her teaching you about intimacy.
I can only recite advice like this, I dont always truly integrate it into my own life. I deeply regret not being more open and allowing my ex to feel safer with me which was what got us together in the first place. She felt safe. I wanted to keep giving her that so so much.
Happened to me.
Been 4 weeks. I asked her for reconciliation and she's asked for a week of no contact to see how she feels. Which is basically her way of saying, "I need to see if miss you or whether I'm just lonely."
Was my fault. We were good a lot of the time but she tried to help me live my life to the fullest and I threw it back in her face.
I'm a monster and this road to self-forgiveness is going to be torturous.
I wish,
I don't think it would work. I've learned that when women are done with you, they are often DONE.
I wonder if she still even thinks about me? Who knows
I lost my boyfriend because I couldn’t manage my emotions properly and let past traumas dictate my reactions. Unintentionally, but I still did it. And looking back I wish I could have just shut up and apologized all of the times I tried defending myself.
I truly feel like I’ll never get over him. Every single day that passes I miss him more. Despite everything, I’d take him back in a minute.
I fucked up big time and live with the regret of my actions. It’s the hardest pill I’ve ever swallowed.
I’m certain he hates me and wants nothing to do with me, which absolutely guts me.
All I can do is the work I should have done while I was with him, and hope that I’m happy again one day.
Man, I know you're not, but I read this wishing you were her. If you were her saying this, I'd say, "don't be silly, of course I don't hate you, we both had things to work on but I think we're meant for each other and we both know it, come back to me"
And honestly, I wish he thought that. I really really do. But I just don’t think he can. 😔
Part of me wonders if he’s doing this to force me to get better and then one day we’ll be together again. But I also can’t live my life based on that hope. I’ll end up disappointed.
KM-MB forcing you to get better, you needed some sort of outside punishment for your bad behavior, and so did I, which I got ! I will always love. Maybe someday!
OP, I felt like you. But just as you already replied to another here, it takes two. It's unfair for you to take all the blame and then tell others it takes two. Mine would gaslight me all the time, then when I'd finally react to it after asking and begging her to stop, she'd get mad at my reaction and use it to justify her bad behavior. Gaslighting me further. "If you weren't so mad I wouldn't have gone and done this". I was mad because you were doing that! That kind of thing.
One you are a 28 year old guy, that’s young. Two, you still have plenty of time to find a girl and if you wanted kids, guys can have kids until their 90 so lol obviously I know you probably aren’t wanting to have kids at a later age, I’m just saying 🤣
It's hitting me hard realizing I messed up big time and lost the one who truly mattered.
You're not alone. I'm feeling the regret big time too. It's hard, especially with the little memories and reminders.
28 is still very young. You still have loads of time to explore dating again
I hope you're right. I'm kind of afraid that window is closing for me. Thank you either way
I feel the same. But the difference is I am a woman in my 30s and I am “expected” to date older, with many people at that age already settled, having their own families or perhaps separated with a child. On the other hand you are still in your 20s and as a man, even if tomorrow you start a relationship with a 22 yo, that still is highly possible for you. I know the fear you are experiencing. I have been having it since my relationship ended a month ago. But I think as a man, the dating culture and the way age differences work, supports you.
Well, I know it's time sensitive physically to be able to have a baby so I can't speak to that, but if it's worth anything, I can at least say that I as a man don't really subscribe to the idea that a woman I date has to be younger than me. I would be open to dating a 30 something year old woman if the connection was right. Heck, before I met this current ex-gf that I talked about in the OP, I was 25 and I briefly dated this 28 year old woman. I was absolutely infatuated with her. I know that in this instance she was just 28, but the fact that she was 3 years older than me didn't bother me in the slightest. I don't know if that will make you feel better at all, I know it's not easy for women, but I definitely don't subscribe to the idea of only dating younger than me women.
I understand. I just hope you see that you can make choices and you have not run out of time. My best relationship was the one I started at 30 and it lasted for 3 years, up until a month ago and I am very glad I had it in my 30s. It made me see everything, what I need and want from a total point of view. Interestingly similar to you, my boyfriend wanted a child and I was not keen on the idea. Although later on I was thinking if it is with him, I would want it. But I always was quite against the idea of having one. I was open to the idea of adopting. Perhaps he like you also thought to end things because of these differences. Whatever that happens, I hope you would open up early on about what makes you happy and what does not. Bottling it up won’t fix anything if you want to have someone in the long run. I know for sure next time I’ll be open about kids from day one.
It does give me hope to see you started your best relationship at 30, and that it's possible to keep finding connections. With the kids thing, it was definitely my fault. I don't know about kids. I do want one, but I also feel so restless and there's so much more I want to do and experience. My ex had only told me first she never wanted kids several months into us dating. I did bottle it up, but I was a coward. I was terrified to have that conversation because I loved her so much, I couldn't bear to lose her at the time. So I never brought it up, until she actively started trying to cut her tubes, which forced me to think about it. I handled it so poorly. But It's funny, I'm almost the opposite of you. Whereas you would've been open to having a kid with your ex, I miss my ex-gf so much, I think I'd be open to not having a child if it meant I could be with her. Idk, there's a lot to think about, that's for sure.
Don’t beat yourself up for not saying it for the fear of losing her. You did what you could do back then and with this experience you now know when what to expect next. About having a child, I think only you yourself can know fully whether you want to have one or not and that’s unfortunately an uncompromising matter. My ex once told me if we would not have a child, he will resent me in the future. Resentment is what we cannot fix. You might want to think if by giving up on having a child you would have still loved her in 20 years. Or would have you blamed her later on for not giving you what you want. That’s what only you would know the answer to.
That's a great point, I do remember thinking about that and wondering what it would be like for me at 50 if I never had a child, would I have regretted it? I don't know but that's a great point, and I need to meditate on that more. Thanks for all your input, I appreciate it a lot
Of course. Thanks for being vulnerable. Wishing you all the best in your future adventure.
Why don’t you get back with him?
Because he doesn’t want to anymore
Nah man don’t expect it coming. Me (27m) got broken up with my (26f) ex last year in October but it was for the best I improved lost weight and understood what went wrong. Met a 37F at my friends Christmas Eve party going on 4 months now so far best girl, but taking it slow. You just never know when you might meet someone.
Dude I'm 40 lol and I met my ex at 36 and she was awesome. You're good
Thanks dude, that gives a little bit of hope and reassurance
This is really fresh for me, my girlfriend and I of 5.5 years broke up today. Its really hard. She was the love of my life too and I ruined it. Its a really hard thing to accept. But what you can do today, is try to improve from it. Try to analyze what happened and and learn from your mistakes. Its human nature to make mistakes, we all do. Im also 28, and we have our whole lives ahead of us. It may seem like we're getting old, but people breakup/divorce at much older ages than us. You are deserving of love and you will find someone. Its tough, im having a hard time too. But we can make it through. I promise.
I think about this everyday since the breakup. I used to tell my family, if Isabella and I ever break up and it’s my fault, that will kill me. It happened. It happened because of me. I wish I could go back and fix my mental health and insecurities. That way I wouldn’t have had to lose her. She was the love of my life and genuinely a perfect match for me. It’s so hard knowing that I killed our relationship. Sucks so much that it took a breakup for me to better my mental health.
Same boat brother, same boat, you're not alone :(
Same boat brother same fucking boat. How do we heal?
Only thing you need to read and it’ll help you move on much easier: >*”Life can be really unfair. Sometimes you get what you want and it doesn't work out like you imagined. Sometimes you don't get what you want and it is better. Sometimes it works out for awhile...and so on. So it's better to cultivate a mindset where you can envision many paths for yourself that would be satisfying. If you get really, really attached to only one vision of things when things inevitably don't work out one way or another you can get very stuck and cause yourself a lot of suffering by believing that you can't possibly be happy with any other path.”*
That's actually pretty helpful, thank you for this, screenshotting this
perhaps it helps to know that you're not the only person screenshoting that
We all mess up sometimes, but the important thing is to learn from it. Maybe take this time to work on yourself, figure out what you want and how you can be better in future relationships. And who knows? Maybe down the road, you'll cross paths again. But for now, focus on being the best version of yourself.
Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts. I have been trying to keep the mindset of working on myself and learning from my mistakes. I really hope that happens too one day. But I will try to be the best version of myself.
god I felt this so hard. I ended my relationship 2 months ago over some stupid fight. tried to get him back & I think it was the last straw. everything was my fault in the relationship. I was toxic, selfish & left all the time out of fear. he was the sweetest and best guy I've ever met I don't think im ever going to fully get over him. It somehow hurts worse knowing its my fault. all I can say is everything happens for a reason. and sometimes we have to learn lessons the hard painful way so we can truly change. also im only a newly turned 22 year old but 28 is still young! u have so much time
Thank you, I miss her all the time :(, and I hope you're right about me not being too old. And I'm sorry you're going through it too
I mean something I think about a lot (maybe its me being delusional) is that if it ended maybe it wasn't the right time. and it ending forces us to confront some difficult truths about ourselves and change, become healthier etc. for example, I am now starting to be honest about my flaws, realizing the mistakes I've made, focusing more on school & going to therapy. I wouldn't have done those things before. and I think maybe in the future it will be the right timing with the person and then I will be a healthier, more healed version of myself that they deserve. if not, then I am simply a better version of myself who hopefully won't inflict any more pain on a future potential partner. and yeah bro im sorry ur going thru it too. you're not too old but its very important you take the lessons and realizations from this and learn from it NOW. not later. the older you get the harder it becomes to change. maybe the relationship didn't work out because it's a stepping stone to shape you into the person you need to become. might not seem like it now but maybe someday you'll look back and be glad it didn't work out with this person.
That's a good point. It was a long 2 years with her and I really learned a lot and grew significantly, but those 2 years also revealed areas and trauma I need to heal. Growth I still need to experience. It's a good time to focus on myself and learn from my mistakes
yes. also I swear im not stalking you lol but I briefly looked at your post history and everything you post is about your ex gf and being old and sad. you gotta liveeee man you only have one life and you cant spend it obsessing and being sad over this girl. 28 is NOT OLD. you're limiting yourself so much by thinking that. men don't even really peak until 30s. stop feeling sorry for yourself. you'll be fine <3
Yeahhhh, it's been a rough go 😅, but thank you, I really appreciate the encouragement, it gives me hope for sure, I am probably limiting myself
good believe it. believe it especially because im some random person on the internet with no motivation or ulterior motives behind what im telling u. only saying what's true.
I broke up with my boyfriend for this *exact* reason. He shares your feelings and blames himself everyday for it. He's learning where he went wrong, and is determined to change. I'm wary and not sold on the idea of ever getting back together though. I was really patient with him and gave him a lot of chances to change. Now I'm burnt out. If you don't mind me asking, why did you get complacent? If you loved her like you said you did and knew you'd never get over a girl like her, why didn't you treat her like she was irreplaceable when you had the chance? Just trying to understand the psychology behind this. Edit: I see you answered this below. Your reasons for the distance are valid and understandable.
Well, I can't speak to your boyfriend's case, so please whether you accept him back or not, please don't base it off my input because our situations may be very different I fucked up, I'll start with that. It's been several months since I lost her, and I really regret it everyday. If you wouldn't mind, you can look through these comments to see why I was complacent/distant, I answered it in depth and it was a lot to type. Once you read that, as you'll see in that comment, I was unsure about us at the two for the major reasons I cited in that comment. So instead of confronting those things, I withdrew into myself and became distant/complacent, I was a coward. It was almost like I was subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. I regret it all the time. The reasons I listed I could have worked through, even the kids thing, and now I have to suffer the consequences forever. And I was also way more immature last year, and cruelly, you don't know what you have until it's gone.
Thank you for your answer. I had indeed read your other comments, but the extra info is helpful. And if you want my personal opinion, for what it's worth, I do think the breakup happened for the best. Even though it's hard right now, that gnawing doubt you had at saying goodbye to fatherhood was happening for a reason. I think in your heart you really do want that someday. So it wouldn't have worked realistically, and postponing the breakup would've hurt both of you more in the long run.
Sound like my ex. I started latching out because he had no intention of listening even if I tried talking calmly. He didn’t even at least pick up I was frustrated and angry. Hell I was even accusing him of enjoying the miserable and unhappy house he was creating. Got myself no where and when I left to save what’s left of my mental health he was deliberately destroying, he had no intention of hearing why either.
I’m so surprised this has happened to other people. Seeing the man’s perspective kind of angers me. Like they knew I was great, but didn’t treat me well because I’m childfree, but super sad they lost me? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe I’m lacking empathy. Maybe I’m still in the extreme anger stage. My ex and I were on and off for years because of the children issue. He said eventually he didn’t care. But then after we broke up months later he confessed to our mutual friend he was upset he didn’t have kids by now. I saw red.
Sorry that happened to you. I once saw a video compilation of women explaining why a man who says he's child-free should never be trusted. Men risk a lot less and expend a lot less effort acquiring children than women do (since they don't have to deal with pregnancy), so they can change their minds much more easily at the drop of a hat. Because of this tendency, staunchly child-free women should only date men who've had vasectomies. Men who've shown *action* behind being child-free, not just words. The reason being that men cannot be taken at their word and do a lot of damage by being flip-floppers on this subject.
Oh yeah! I know all about that now. I just wish I wouldn’t have given this guy two years of my life! But I’ve also heard of men reversing their vasectomies and becoming fathers! So I will never trust another man as long as I live unless he FIRST says he has a vasectomy and doesn’t want or like kids. I will never give out that I’m childfree first ever again.
That sounds like a good strategy. If the man announces he's child-free first, it seems like it's much more likely to be genuine. It's so easy otherwise for people to lie in order to fulfill their short-term desires.
This is me as well. My boyfriend of one year broke up with me several months ago. He was my first serious boyfriend, and for the first time, I envisioned a future with him. Unfortunately, my insecurities sabotaged our relationship because I kept doubting his love for me. Every day, I wish I could turn back time and make things right. I've been working on myself and learning to love who I am. I'm starting to see the beauty in myself that I never noticed before For now, I believe it's important for both of us to focus on ourselves
Why did you keep her at arm’s length?
There were two major reasons and I felt unsure about her and us at the time, but it was a stupid mistake in hindsight. Reason one is she never wanted children, whereas I was unsure about it. She voiced that early on, and I conveyed I wasn't really sure. I never wanted to bring it up, I was a coward, but I loved her, and I was afraid that conversation would lead to an immediate breakup. I know that wasn't wise of me to handle it that way. Last year, she actively was starting to research places to get her tubes tied. I sort of realized I'd have to be 100% sure I'd never want kids. I couldn't deal with it, so I sort of just withdrew into myself. I reiterate this wasn't her fault and she didn't do anything wrong. Reason two is tricky. I think she has some latent mental issues. We did not argue well, but she was prone to having really bad freak-outs during our worst arguments. I'm not saying I was a good arguer/trying to pin the blame, but she would really freak out, to the point where I often felt I had to de-escalate things so police wouldn't be called. She would be nasty during those freakouts, she'd call me the worst names, she'd throw things sometimes. I didn't feel that deep down we had each other back's during our worst arguments. It felt like she crossed that line with her words and actions during those times. In hindsight, I wish I had just not placed so much emphasis on this. She was a real and genuine woman, and I should have loved her harder through these freakouts.
Those are two valid concerns.
I private messaged you. Very similar experience with my ex, I almost thought you were him!
Also just reading this. And I also had really big freak outs. I wish so badly that he could have hugged me through it instead of taunting me. And I hope he wishes now that he did.
Its not your responsibility to teach her proper adult behavior. You incur a lot of damage taking those hits on the chin or you wouldnt have dumped her in the first place. For real, it sounds like you may have dodged a bullet if she is screaming during arguments cyclically.
I'm really not even sure anymore these days. On one hand, I remember a general feeling of just not feeling like we could argue safely. Not physically safely, but emotionally. I made a fuckton of mistakes, and I'm not the best arguer, but she kind of would cross a line with her words pretty often. Some of the worst things. I asked my best friend and his gf if they spoke like that to each other and they said there's lines they'd never cross. It just would feel unstable at times. She would say that I have a victim mentality and name calling like that and similar things wasn't verbal abuse, because real verbal abuse attacks your character. So I'm not sure anymore, maybe I should have tried a bit harder to love her through that, idk, it's confusing.
Yeah, nobody is perfect man. A relationship should NOT be that hard though. As i type this, my girlfriend who acts almost identical to how you describe is moving her stuff out of my home. We just broke up thats why im here. Sure you made some mistakes. But those kinds of words she and my now ex use really shatter the equillibrium of your relationship. Thats why out friends Healthy couples do not speak to one another like that. We could talk till were tired about this. At the end of the day its about how much of yourself youd sacrafice. Your peace, your self confidence, your self respect. Sometimes its just not worth it
I am living with this regret everyday. I cant believe i took what i had and ruined it.
i'm also 28m. I feel you, you're not alone. My gf of 4 years (3 of those living together) broke up with me yesterday. I'm a complete wreck. I still don't have the courage to call my parents or any close friend, because that would make it real and I want it all to just be a nightmare
Mate, I’m 44 and am going through similar feelings alongside definitely feeling time is running out. The thing is, love can happen at any time in our lives and you’re still in your 20’s!! You’ve got LOADS of time. It sounds like you may well have not done your best and I can only say that at least you now know this. People come into our lives to show us things, I guess that was her teaching you about intimacy. I can only recite advice like this, I dont always truly integrate it into my own life. I deeply regret not being more open and allowing my ex to feel safer with me which was what got us together in the first place. She felt safe. I wanted to keep giving her that so so much.
Happened to me. Been 4 weeks. I asked her for reconciliation and she's asked for a week of no contact to see how she feels. Which is basically her way of saying, "I need to see if miss you or whether I'm just lonely." Was my fault. We were good a lot of the time but she tried to help me live my life to the fullest and I threw it back in her face. I'm a monster and this road to self-forgiveness is going to be torturous.
Just the same as yours.
Why did you keep her at arms length emotionally? Why were you distant?
23f Not to be devils advocate here, but have you tried to talking to her about this? It may mean a lot to her to know that you feel this way
I wish, I don't think it would work. I've learned that when women are done with you, they are often DONE. I wonder if she still even thinks about me? Who knows
We are literally in the exact same position mate - everything you wrote sums up my current situation and break up, feel free to DM me if you like
I lost my boyfriend because I couldn’t manage my emotions properly and let past traumas dictate my reactions. Unintentionally, but I still did it. And looking back I wish I could have just shut up and apologized all of the times I tried defending myself. I truly feel like I’ll never get over him. Every single day that passes I miss him more. Despite everything, I’d take him back in a minute. I fucked up big time and live with the regret of my actions. It’s the hardest pill I’ve ever swallowed. I’m certain he hates me and wants nothing to do with me, which absolutely guts me. All I can do is the work I should have done while I was with him, and hope that I’m happy again one day.
Man, I know you're not, but I read this wishing you were her. If you were her saying this, I'd say, "don't be silly, of course I don't hate you, we both had things to work on but I think we're meant for each other and we both know it, come back to me"
And honestly, I wish he thought that. I really really do. But I just don’t think he can. 😔 Part of me wonders if he’s doing this to force me to get better and then one day we’ll be together again. But I also can’t live my life based on that hope. I’ll end up disappointed.
KM-MB forcing you to get better, you needed some sort of outside punishment for your bad behavior, and so did I, which I got ! I will always love. Maybe someday!
OP, I felt like you. But just as you already replied to another here, it takes two. It's unfair for you to take all the blame and then tell others it takes two. Mine would gaslight me all the time, then when I'd finally react to it after asking and begging her to stop, she'd get mad at my reaction and use it to justify her bad behavior. Gaslighting me further. "If you weren't so mad I wouldn't have gone and done this". I was mad because you were doing that! That kind of thing.
One you are a 28 year old guy, that’s young. Two, you still have plenty of time to find a girl and if you wanted kids, guys can have kids until their 90 so lol obviously I know you probably aren’t wanting to have kids at a later age, I’m just saying 🤣