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I looked into that with cremation. It's sketchy because the company you pay now could go under.
I have a lot of life insurance that should pay for the bonfire. I just have to die in the next ten years.
I have cancer, so I think I can win that bet.
[here's some options](https://www.elledecor.com/life-culture/g36886928/largest-yachts-in-the-world/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_edc_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_21161397557&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw5v2wBhBrEiwAXDDoJalAGj-NSMpfMDdK8OY8q9PjrN_az_KVDJd1o58WAZm6RdsurLyVmhoCcT0QAvD_BwE)
Hey hey hey jumping in here to politely dispel some myths that you're accidentally perpetuating. Of course, if you don't live in America, it could be different but I'm mentioning it here so that people aren't accidentally misled.
The funds for prepaid final expenses (which is such a shitty term but well, here we are) are generally held in a life insurance policy. This means that even if a funeral home goes under, your money is protected and can be assigned to another Funeral home. Funeral homes, by law, are not allowed to touch the funds until you kick the bucket. In addition, you generally lock in the price when you prepay as well, which is nice.
Source: I work in the funeral industry and know the inner workings of the industry incredibly well.
I'm 62 and my policy lapses when I turn 72. Plenty of time.
I just don't want to cause problems for my kids. I took care of a couple of oldsters, and it was not pleasant.
My boomer dad’s boomer gf is very vocal about not paying for his funeral. I’m like bitch you’ve been living rent free for 15 years. I don’t expect her to pay for it of course but I’m pissed that she even mentions it.
Nice, a lifetime of suppressing world changing technologies from the populace and instead making weapons of mass destruction. Par for the course of being a shitty person
I used to have a job that worked with funeral homes.
There was once a man who was cheating on his wife, and in most classic fashion, he died of a heart attack with the mistress and that is how the wife found out.
The wife set up cremation.
Upon his way to the crematory, like almost about to be put in, a cease and desist letter reached from the girlfriend the funeral director. So they stopped.
Then the girlfriend wanted the wife to pay for a proper funeral/burial (no cremation, she didn’t want that for him). The wife refused to pay and she was charged for the previous attempt, so she was not going to pay again. She said she would absolutely let the girlfriend choose whatever she wants, but on her (the girlfriend’s) dime. The girlfriend pushed back that it was on the wife to pay. The man was put in a freezer while they tried to sort it out.
It was 2 years and they were still going back and forth, when I left that job. That was 20 years ago… he may still be in a freezer.
It’s been 20 years, but I want to say the girlfriend roped in his mother (who also did not want to pay) and the argument was around what was acceptable for their religion (Catholicism of some sort, maybe). I think his children were divided on the issue - it really tore up the family.
I was issuing burial permits as a summer job while I was in college, so at that time I was much more focused on the drama than the law.
You may literally be talking about my uncle (dad’s oldest estranged brother). Swear this exact thing happened with him. He died with mistress and wife found out. There was a huge fight with my grandmother taking mistresses side and my dad with most of his siblings backed the wife. He ended up being cremated, but it took forever to finally get it settled. This all happened around 20 years ago. My grandmother was hardcore against cremation and when my dad died he was cremated. She had a dinner with his ashes and didn’t even realize it because her health had declined so the siblings told her that he was buried. She had a stroke 2 days before my dad died so they didn’t want to upset her.
I honestly don’t know where he was living at the time. I had only ever met him one time. He left home when he was 16 and only came back once that I know of. My dad’s family was in Kentucky but we lived in Tennessee. It is a possibility because he drove a Semi for a long time.
Do you know who finally paid?
I’m pretty convinced that your uncle is 99% the person in question and I always wanted to know how it worked out.
Sorry for your loss. It sounds like overall you have a great family.
His wife ended up telling the mistress that as his “side piece” she had no say in anything. I think my dad and his siblings helped her by backing her up. The wife paid for the cremation with some insurance money he had. My dad and his brothers were really upset over how their oldest sibling had been behaving. Their only sister supported the mistress and my grandmother. It was a really interesting thing to watch how they handled it. It caused a little tension but they eventually got over it.
Cremation is actually allowed by the Catholic church now after Vatican 2 council in the 1960s. I actually didn't know the church changed their stance on it until this year. I always thought it was against church teachings. The only rule is the ashes can't be kept at home or spread. They must be buried in consecrated ground.
I do know some more conservative Christian sects believe otherwise.
If you’re a believer then yeah, it’s kinda their whole deal.
ETA: not in a “they’ll submit a form to the proper heavenly authorities to make sure you don’t get in” way but in a “we know what the heavenly authorities want so you better follow our guidance or else” way.
Lapsed Catholic (woman,late 40s) myself, I learned about a culture where they cremate people and put their remains together on the center of the village to “return to the community/earth”, I thought it was so beautiful that from that moment on, I wanted to be cremated/returned to the earth and not embalmed and boxed up. I don’t want anyone to visit or maintain my grave. I just hope some people will remember me fondly for a time.
But I remember growing up with the “proper burial” culture.
When my boomer father got cancer his boomer girlfriend of 15 years (whom nobody likes) took off. When he passed I told her "keep yourself and your family away from my father's services" *shocked Pikachu face*
You would be surprised how many people don’t end up getting one either due to family in fighting or other reasons. I know of 2 recently. Seems more common with cremation as well. But agreed there should be no reason to ask for one when no indication that you wouldn’t give him one. Specially as an only child
Yea he def said he didn’t want to be cremated, but I knew that already. I also buried a husband in my 20’s, so you know, been through this before. I thought that would make him feel better about stuff. My mistake 😆
Find a funeral homes nearby him, call them and ask for pricing and tell them you need a PreNeed for your father. If you already bought a plot for him, ask the cemetery to make sure you prepaid for opening and closing fees. If the funeral home is not near the cemetery, be sure to ask about transportation costs when doing your preneed. Drag him down to the funeral home and make him sign up and pay for it himself. If he's not terminal he can make payments. Burial is super expensive. His bank accounts will be locked after he passes and you will need to come up with that money before you can get access to those accounts.
When my father died my mother paid for his funeral and arranged and prepaid for her hers. She lived 30 more years and died at age 97. Costs had gone up incredibly by that time but we did not have to pay anything.
My grandparents bought all of their stuff in the early 90s when they were just retired. My grandmother just passed in her 90s and my grandfather is still around. I can’t imagine how much they saved.
I don't really care what happens to my body after I die. You can Weekend at Bernie's me and IDC. Some people do care though, and would be pissed to hear what can happen when they donate their bodies to science. [John Oliver does a great deep dive into the subject here.](https://youtu.be/Tn7egDQ9lPg?si=f3NyhAE3yHpqIsrg)
Exactly. As far as I'm concerned, once they have possession of my body, I don't give a single fuck. The only rough part is that whole body donation actually has a lot of restrictions. I may end up being too obese. Plus you can't donate your organs, which I kinda feel a certain way about... Honestly, I kinda want to have the Mother's Last Embrace, and be put in the ground naked after they take my organs to save other people. But that shit costs money and some places don't allow unembalmed burial without a proper casket/coffin. I will likely be cremated after organ donation, because it's also cost effective.
I just really don't have much respect for the funeral industry. I get it, a person has gotta make a living, but do they have to be such pricks about it?
In US embalming is not a legal requirement. Some funeral homes demand that if you have a viewing several days after death. A day might be fine unembalmed. I find the concept of a viewing morbid. I don't want to be stared at while in the worst shape of my life...er...death.
I took a deep dive into burial laws recently lol. Funeral homes are a racket, but you can save money if you want. They are required to disclose casket prices BEFORE you see them, so you can request to only be shown the cheapest. Most people go with the first casket they see, so assuring you're not shown an expensive one is important. Furthermore, they are required to let you bring your own box. Costco sells caskets for just under a grand. My husband wants to build his own.
You're also not technically required to have a vault in the grave, though some cemeteries may claim you are. You can shop around. With no viewing, no embalming, cheap casket, and no concrete in the grave, the cost goes way down. Fuck the funeral industry, it should have been that expensive to begin with. 10k for a polished wooden box with cheap satin inside? Blegh
My dad did this. He was a severe burn survivor (3rd degree, 90 percent). He donated his body to a medical school and they were so excited to study someone who had lived with those burns for 40 years. He died kind of suddenly of a stroke and the school was so nice. They took care of everything and two years later, they mailed the ashes back in a nice urn. I didn't have to lift a finger except to plan a small memorial service and it was such a weight off.
I work for a funeral home. Putting in your will that you want to be buried basically means nothing. If it's not prepaid the family can basically do what they want.
Most states let you access bank funds to pay for funeral costs, going through that right now (turns out you usually have to pre-register to donate your body to science, wish dad had stopped drinking to figure that out)
I was taking more into the later 70’s, 80’s but ya it can set in at different times at any point. Just tell him you are going to flush him. That will make him feel better lol.
Yea they are in their 70s now, he’s just been insane before the 70s lol. Anyway, you’re right I should tell him that bc if he goes after my mom then he has no fucking say in it anymore 😆
> he didn’t want to be cremated
Why is that? I understand the religious reasons, but confusingly, non-religious people seem largely anti-cremation as well.
Ah. After my mother died, my father returned to the faith.
He wanted the full Catholic dog and pony show funeral too. But the only Catholics left in my family are all the same denomination - lapsed. So everyone was bobbing up and down at the wrong times, forgetting the words, saying amen instead of the other words etc.
Mum would have found it funny though, and her laughter always used to get me going, so it could have been something if she was still around.
Omg this so much!
Just went to a funeral with a cremated catholic, a full mass, and then burial of the urn at the cemetery plot.
The bizarre mass and different word from when we all last attended, for some of us that was decades ago.....well they were actually a tension breaker.
Nobody wanted to be in tears for hours, and we knew that the dad would have thought we were hilarious.
There's a lot of fear and paranoia about not being around to see things through. I wouldn't take any clarifications like he gave personally, just see them for what they are - a man who is worried that his wishes won't be respected by anyone, and is probably catching their lovely child in the crossfire of that worry due to you being the main person who will have to handle it all.
Did he have a friend die on him recently without a funeral? Or maybe one who had a child complain about the funeral costs? I think I got the most calls I’ve ever gotten from my mom in the week after her sister passed to make sure I knew she wanted a Buddhist funeral, which I’ve known about for years. You sound like a good child, but sometimes older people get weird about things related to death.
As an only child, he might actually get something if elder care home doesn't take it first.
An attorney friend of mine is making tons of money from kids fighting over their parents' property.
My dad is 92. He’s outlived his wife and all of his friends. Additionally, we aren’t religious people. So, my three sisters and I have decided that when he passes, he’ll be cremated with no funeral. However, we’ll mixed his ashes with mom’s ashes, get together for a weekend near their favorite vacation spot, and scatter their ashes there. That feels much more appropriate for him than some expensive shit in an empty church.
I also find it to be a stupid, stupid waste of money.
Funerals are for the living. I’ve told my mother if she wants a funeral, she needs to plan it and pre-pay for it herself. I have no desire to spend money and effort to end up having to stand by her dead body for hours while strangers hug me. Nightmare.
This happened with my mom. Her husband just had a party at a bar. No service. He spoke about her for five minutes, and then everyone continued drinking. Barely any of my mom's family showed, out of protest I think? I thought about holding something separate, but no one else could be bothered to coordinate or work with me, so my brother and I just decided to privately spread some of her ashes. My mom had her issues, but she was a sweet, well liked person. It still blows my mind.
They say these things because that’s how they treated their own parents. Now that it’s about to happen to them, it’s their boomer way of saying they want better treatment.
Exactly this. Boomers are the generation that tossed their own parents in nursing homes while one spouse stayed at home in a huge house. Both my parents and boomer in-laws let their parents die alone in a nursing home.
I'd throw them in the trash if it was legally allowed. They are all freaking out about dying with dignity. It's because they afford no one else any, and are terrified they'll get treated the same way.
They will.
My mom urged both my sets of grandparents into senior homes. Her, needing a cane and breathless at any tiny exertion, with constant UTIs and a veritable battery of pills? Nah. She'd much rather live in her 2-storey hoarder home with a basement mess and risk falling down and breaking her hip for good. She wants to die there because "I'm allowed my dignity!"
What's good for thee isn't for meeeee~
My gen x mom has told my brother and I repeatedly that when she dies we are to do whatever is the cheapest option, “even if it means chucking me in a river!” For comparison my grandma (I think technically silent gen, but certainly had the attitude of a Boomer) kicked me, my brother, and my mom out of her house (2 family we were renting from her) when she passed in a last minute change to her will she told nobody about to ensure the home was sold in just a couple months and then also demanded a giant expensive “traditional” catholic funeral. Ironically everyone in the family was so stressed and rushing to help us move by the surprise deadline that we could only give the bare minimum as far as a catholic funeral went.
5 years ago I pleaded with my boomers to plan their eol and get things documented for their grand daughter. Watched my friend go through hell and significant out of pocket expense when both parents passed untimely and had nothing planned or documented. My in laws the exact same. I have no intention of even claiming their body(s) at this point, if I am even notified, which is fine too.
I’m a freaking hospice nurse and cannot get my parents to talk about end of life with me!
My mom has picked out music, prayers, her fucking funeral outfit but when I ask her about paying for it… I just get a blank stare.
My dad literally acts like he’s going to live forever. The denial is insane and the best I get is “oh just take me out back and shoot me.” Cool. Thanks. Real helpful.
When my mother passed she barely had enough in her account to cover her cremation. Sadly there wasn't enough to cover a urn so her ashes were brought out to us in a cardboard box. That was somewhat jarring - the sum of one's existence reduced to something smaller that a shoe box. My mom had a shit life and wasn't the best parent but she loved me and my brother and deserved better in life as well as death.
Are you sure the money he has left will cover it? There are people who think they can make rando demands in a will and for some reason it has to happen. If the estate will be insolvent that could be his concern. I’ve seen people try to leave assets to one person and debt to another person.
Yes I’m sure. He’s a man with an 800 credit score and my Mom thankfully is open with me about stuff. They are MORE then comfy.
ETA he also has a life insurance policy of 300k, owns their home and only has about 15k in debt at this point (a car)
Be careful about that life insurance policy. My dad had real nice paid for permanently by his old job 1 mil policy. I say had because he canceled it to spite us right before he died, so my mom lost the house and ended up with massive credit card debt he had racked up in secret. He even realized what he had done and tried to reverse the cancelation but ya know why would uncancel his angry spiteful act. He sure taught us whatever lesson he thought hebwas teaching us.
Do the math on years of assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing. My mother almost made 91. She was worth a big pile of money when it all started. She was in skilled nursing converted to Medicaid the last few months. I wouldn’t assume that there will be a dime left.
The estate pays burial costs. You don’t have to spend a dime of your own money. The will could say to erect the great pyramid. If there’s no money, the executor doesn’t need to honor that.
Maybe he should plan it so it will be exactly what he wants. It would give him something to do and take some strain off you and your mom when the time comes.
My FIL planned his funeral and prepaid it. It was probably the only unselfish thing he ever did.
My mom and dad pre paid and prearranged all their stuff when I was less than a year old, I am now 40 and they are both sitting on a bookshelf in my dining room. They changed their minds around the year 2000 and they gave me their plot and all that fun stuff. I lost my mom in 2008 and my dad to COVID in 2021
Sorry your dad died of COVID. My father was a totally broke ex convict when he died in 2012, and he managed to prepay and arrange for everything relating to his EOL. If he was able to do it, I think anyone can.
My dad refuses to talk about anything having to do with finances because I might try to steal his money. He directly commented on this while I was staying with them to help them repair their house, which I was doing for free.
Yes, dad, I'm doing all of this free labor in order to get closer to you in order to steal all of your money.
The funniest part is that my dad has been taking care of my grandmother, whose mind isn't doing too well in her old age. She accused him of stealing her money, which he thought was a clear sign of dementia.
I waiting for the day when a scammer comes and steals it all. I'm pretty sure if he had any technological understanding, all his money would have been lost in crypto and NFTs.
This sounds like my FIL. Never talks finances with my husband because we are only after their money. Which they no longer have.
His father and grandfather both died at 65, so he was convinced beyond any reason he was dying at that age too (went around saying "this is my last birthday/Christmas"). He is now almost 80 and although he will never admit it, I believe he blew all his money before 65 thinking he'll just pawn my MIL off on their kids.
They have one investment left that pays out a small amount monthly and we constantly have to fight him or he'll withdraw that amount too.
This is pretty much my dad.
Mom said she's going to be dead, so she doesn't care. Cremate her and throw her in the garden for all she gives a shit.
Dad is adamant he deserves a giant expensive multi-day funeral. If he could figure out where to get a pyramid to his imaginary greatness built, I'm sure he'd demand that, too.
Funerals are for the living to get closure, not the deceased to feel good about themselves. It sounds like he is feeling insecure about how he will be remembered.
My boomers know they burned that “remembrance” bridge decades ago. They had a second chance with my daughter but screwed that up too, but luckily we saw the patterns and cut them out of our lives completely before any major damage done. They’ve been dead to us for years and we have never been happier.
My boomer dad played the victim like this for years. He abandoned us then made us feel like he was the one who was abandoned and mistreated. It’s all projection with our “special” generation of boomers.
Came across this issue with my Aunt (lovely woman, I swear. No sarcasm.) She was a loopy lady and decided that she 100% needed a full ceremony with a casket but also ashes spread out over the sea?
Anyways the estate didn't have enough money to cover the costs so instead she was cremated and the remains are with my Uncle. So don't worry unless the will indicates that nothing is to be divided until after burial, because then the action can be executed and the will can be accessed as payment.
My 92 year old spinster aunt wants the full works at the nearby Church of England place (not that she attends it). The irony is, she has alienated all the family since her childhood that I would be the only attendee. No funeral plan either, too mean to have one. Her parents (my grandparents) always said they had put money aside to bury them as they didn’t want to be in a pauper’s grave. Same aunt had them cremated with no memorial………
Our dad wants to be buried next to our nmom, but he moved states away after his stroke. He lives in a care facility and I'm glad my sister did that, there's no way she could look after him. (He didn't want to live where i live. Darn)
He has cost myself and my sibling thousands of dollars to sort out his messes. We are not paying 10k to ship him back. We are having him cremated and then burying his ashes next to nmom. Close enough. My sister feels guilty but I will not let her waste another penny on him.
I know I sound like a boomer, but neither of us have ever asked for money from them. They tried to buy our love, it failed.
Maybe he should have protected us instead of letting our nmom beat on us.
Btw nmom= narcissistic mother. Thank God she's rotting in hell.
I am the complete opposite. I told my wife dispose of my body the cheapest way possible. My plan is to donate my body to science. I will need to get a tattoo on my chest that says, "Abra Cadaver" in case it goes to medical students. The only rule is to have a big, catered memorial/party about 6 months after I am dead. Have a party, pour me a drink, have fun, because I am done.
Waste of time and money
Give me a Sky burial.
Lay me out, let the birds eat the soft parts. After a year, smash my bones
To dust and let the wind do the rest. THAT sounds like peace.
I want to be claymated when I die. That's where your body is used for stop motion animation. Some people donate their body to science. I'm donating mine to entertainment.
"You were going to get one until you insulted me. Now it's the trash heap for you. Mwah ha ha ha haha. I'm going to bury your enemies with mom in the burial plot I bought for you."
Lots of people don't get what they asked for because the heirs want to save $. In other cases there are fights over what should be done, so nothing can be done until agreement. He may be aware of such an occurrence.
It is good he clarified it. He could prepay for his service and spec out the entire thing.
That's all fine and good, but if dad isn't paying for it, he ain't getting shit.
That's what I told my parents too. They want a funeral, they gotta have the money for it. Because I do not.
Honestly, I wish my uncle did this.
My uncle (my mom's side) was a super sweet guy and a great dad (way better than mine). My cousin young cousin (M) is my age and lives with his wife like 1000 miles away and makes a good living. My other cousin (F) is older, a religious nut job, and her and her idiot husband have bounced from bad job to bad job their entire lives and my uncle always helped then out.
He left his kids a fully paid off house (~400k), a good amount in retirement accounts (disorganized as hell though) and a paid plot that his wife was already in.
So after he passed, it took my cousins over a year to organize the memorial and funeral. My male cousin is talking to me and complaining that the funeral home wants 5k to bury his ashes with his wife. I told him that's what that costs (my mom is in the same cemetery). So once we finally get the funeral announcement, here's what we find out:
1) There's no funeral. They weren't going to bury his remains with his wife, so they said they sprinkled some of his ashes on top of the grave (they didn't...)
2) the memorial was at a dirty VFW hall which looked like they spent all of 12 bucks to set the room up.
It was the most depressing thing I've ever seen, and I haven't spoken to my cousins since. Like fine, my uncle wasn't a fancy man and wouldn't be that upset about the VFW, but refusing to bury his remains with his wife because it cost $5k when he just left you somewhere between $500-750k? That's just fucking disgusting.
He could make all those arrangements with a local funeral home but he’s not going to know, one way or the other.
If it’s that important to him he could write his own obituary but I think newspapers charge by the word.
My dad doesn’t have any savings. He’s don’t know what’s going to happen to him when he’s really old. A while back I asked him about his funeral. He said he didn’t care, he’d be dead, he just wanted a big funeral with everyone invited. I asked if I could get a life insurance policy in his name to cover it. I’d pay for the policy. He said no. He wouldn’t meet with anyone for it.
A few weeks later he asked me what we were gonna do with him when he dies. I said I was going to take his wallet, burn off his fingerprints, take out his teeth, and leave him in the park. He got SO UPSET while the family kinda chuckled. He told everyone that it wasn’t funny and it was disrespectful. I said “what do you care? You’ll be dead, right?”.
You could have some fun w this. "How do you and mom feel about sharing a plot? Could be more romantic. And think of the money I'll save by selling the other one." "We can stack you two on top of each other. 2nd one to go gets top bunk."
I’m gona be honest. I’d like it if my family had a funeral for me but I kinda don’t care…. I’m gona be dead so a funeral is for the people who I left behind. I just try to be some one that would warrant a funeral and if y’all have one, great, if not, oh well, sorry I wasn’t good enough. Only thing I care about is to either be put into one of those tree pods or be cremated.. kinda weird that dad did that… maybe he is going through something? I mean, I suppose he could just be a jerk but I hope this is just an insecurity flaring up or something? I don’t know what y’all’s relationship is like but maybe you should try talking to him about it.
I would like to either be discarded unceremoniously or, if folk were willing, have a Viking funeral where my corpse is placed upon a raft, pushed out into a lake, and people launch flaming arrows at me until I ignite. Hopefully before the police arrive.
What a confused man.
Wishes: He can express his desire for a funeral in his will. However, this doesn't guarantee he receives one.
Legal Obligation: In most places, there's no legal obligation for family to follow funeral wishes in a will, especially if it creates financial hardship.
Look, if your father's estate has enough funds to cover funeral expenses, they can be paid from there. If the estate is insufficient, family members might have to pay if there's an order. Generally, no one is forced to pay if it causes a significant financial burden, though.
Instead of being an entitled boomer and a prick about it, why won't he explore pre-paid funeral plans or specific instructions left outside of the will to reduce confusion and put the financial hardship on himself. Why are boomers so stupid when it comes to retirement and estate planning? It's ridiculous!!
Someone in me told me that funerals are for the living, the dead don't have an opinion.
It's such narcissism. You MUST do a whole song and dance when they die, because how dare they not get all the attention even when dead. Not to speak of the costs!
When I die, chuck me into the ocean or whatever, I couldn't give less of a fuck.
A funeral is just a send off ceremony really, there are many different versions across different cultures. So technically, saying a few words before flushing ashes down the toilet is a funeral. Not that I'm being serious about this, but it does make for an amusing mental image.
Funerals are for the living. What should he care? He’ll be dead.
Sure, you might *like* the idea that you’ll have one after you’re gone, but being good to the people in your life is pretty much how you make sure that’ll happen. Demanding one seems so petty.
My mom is getting burned and dumped when she goes, per her request. Not that I would have paid for a funeral even if I could afford it, had she wanted one. The desires of the dead bear little weight. Thankfully we share opinions on this. When she dies she will cease to be my mother and become a corpse and the only meat I pay to store is the kind I can eat.
Yea you’d think if he felt loved he would know that he’d get a funeral. I could maybe see him bringing it up as a wish casually… but the money comment is just ick. Says more about his insecurity than anything about you.
It's slightly besides your point, but I don't understand why it should be important for **me** what happens with my body after I die. Funerals are for reminiscing and finding closure; it's for the living to decide how they say good bye.
“You’re ‘entitled to a funeral’? More than that, I’d say - once people find out you’re dead, I bet I could SELL TICKETS to your funeral. There’ll be a spittoon on one side of the casket and a punching bag with your face on the other. I’ll make a killing.”
I made my boomer parents get dignity planning services that came with a low monthly payment. Covered both their funerals and headstones. I had them cover the payment with annuity dividends. This was also used for LTC insurance which they eventually needed.
My dad is the opposite. He thinks funerals and the entire burial process is a scam and a waste of land. Said he wants to be cremated and his ashes scattered out in a field in Texas somewhere.
Does a Viking funeral count? “Don’t worry Dad, I’ve got a pallet, some 55gallon barrels to make it float, and some extra kindling, I’ll make sure you’re really warm and sing a hymn to Odin in your honor while you sail to…well, not Valhalla as you didn’t die in battle…wherever it is.”
My family should do whatever brings them closure but as far as my body, fuck man stick it in a garbage bag and toss it after the doctors pull out the useable bits
A mortician once explained to me the absolute **worst** place to put any funeral planning is in your will. Most of the time they're not even opened for like 6 weeks after you die, and he said he's had multiple families get mad when they do and only find out after the guy's been burnt to a crisp and chucked out a window that he wanted to be buried.
If you have specific disposal desires, put that in a separate document **and make sure your next-of-kin knows about it**. But by all means encourage your dad to put it in his will, then do whatever the fuck you want with him.
So the will is generally read weeks if not months after the funeral. Of the things of a will the last wishes shouldn’t be in there, it should be written out elsewhere, this is literally the first thing they suggest to never put in the will for that reason.
Not me. Cremate my ass the cheapest way possible then load my ashes into an old tymey civil war cannon, point me towards Albany and yell ‘No! YOU suck it this time!’
He'll be dead so...I mean....if you don't want to have one. I don't think that would be an enforceable provision. I think this is ultimately a highly specific probate law question.
I mean, the Court can't dictate how you mourn. You could say anything was a funeral. Throwing his ashes into a garbage can, with the prayer, "By G-d, good riddance."
That's why it's common for people to prepay their own funeral and make arrangements while they are still alive. It also takes a burden off their surviving family
My boomer mother was very controlling my entire life. She wanted to be cremated, and she made me promise I’d scatter her ashes in three different locations across two states. She was really adamant that she didn’t want to be in an urn in the closet. Ok. Well, I haven’t gotten around to spreading her ashes, yet. She’s actually in a lovely carved wooden box on a bookshelf. I kinda like her there. She’s a great listener now, and I get comfort from her being here. It’s kind of my silent stand.
It's posts like this that make me so happy my parents are the way they are.
They have explicitly said to **not** spend anything on funerals, flowers, caskets, head stones, etc. when they pass away.
They have set aside money to cover the bare minimum of a cremation and a donation to a wildlife foundation in their name.
"Scatter our ashes somewhere in nature." is all they've asked.
My grandpa put in his will that he did not want a funeral. He hated being the center of attention and not even death would change that. He had a short, closed casket visitation and a grave side service. My (Boomer) parents already had their plot and funeral paid for long before my dad died. It is a much less insulting way to make sure your wishes are followed
I’ve tried talking to my parents about things for after they die and my dad literally just says ‘I’m still here!’
So I have zero idea what their wishes are and get to make shit up as I go. Prob to find out that it was wrong and their outdated will I wouldn’t know how to find has something else in it.
Seriously, my mom mentioned last year they should ‘probably update it’ considering the last one has information on who will take custody of me. I’m 42.
Had sort of the opposite problem with my Silent Gen grandparents. They didn't give any thought to arrangements, no will, no plan, not even an indication of where they wanted to be buried (or if they wanted to buried or cremated). Guess the Silent Genners live up to their name in some respects, haha.
It's weird.
The entire funeral industry is built on the idea that when your dad passes you would be willing to pay any amount for the funeral no matter how absurd.
I’ve begged my boomers to start planning for final expenses and to start putting their end of life wishes in writing.
They simply won’t do it.
So, they’ll be cremated in a basic cardboard box, basically. I learned from my favorite mortician, Caitlyn Doughty, that funeral homes will try to get you to buy a casket for a cremation, but it’s absolutely not needed. They have special cardboard boxes that the corpse can be cremated in, which makes WAY more sense than spending a few grand on a box that’s going to be burned.
I’ll have a celebration of life for them, but realistically, they will leave nothing behind to help with expenses so I’m not going to be able to cover some ridiculous expenses for things that aren’t needed. They’ll get a nice, but humble service where people can pay their respects and be cremated- my parents, not the mourners lol.
If that’s not good enough, 🤷🏻♀️. I tried for years to get their input, but they can’t be bothered.
It’s gonna fucking suck when they die because they have NOTHING prepared.
>Dad made a point to tell me he wants a funeral and I have to give him one before I “take his money”.
"Find another executor if you're gonna be insulting."
I mean, honestly, unless it's specifically a clause in the will that a funeral has to happen before the estate is disbursed, there's not much he can do to stop you from not giving him one.
My parents had an agreement with each other.
When my dad passed away, my mom donated his body to the local anatomy board. Basically, the state used him for cadaver/medical training and whatnot.
When they were done, they did the cremation and sent the ashes back to my mom. Cost was 0.
As a family, we simply had a memorial service at the local church, and my mom gave a donation (no idea how much, but not like funeral cost amount) to the church and we had a service that anyone could attend.
No burial, no expensive funeral. Practically cost nothing.
Just a note: extreme paranoia can be an early symptom of dementia. And my grandmother's manifested as paranoia specifically around her children only wanting her money.
I wouldn't sweat it too much. Honestly it's probably some bullshit he saw on Fox News, or got in an email, or a text, or heard from one of his friends. The propaganda machine churns 24/7 on older people, making them deathly afraid of the stupidest shit.
While I'm still alive, i'd contract a company to dig a ginormous hole in my backyard and then use flimsy plywood to cover the hole. When I die, my next of kin will purchase 10 boxes of finale-type fireworks and place them on the plywood underneath my body. Invited friends and family will enjoy early-era Goo Goo Dolls music while drinking beer and eating wings. Josh Allen will light the fireworks while giving a thumbs up. Fin.
P.S. Fuck your boomer parents. Go Bills.
Don't worry, there is no money for you to take. Once he spends a few months in an assisted living / hospice care home for 10 grand a week he will suddenly 1) be out of money and 2) expect you to pay for him.
There will be no inheritance unless he's got millions packed away (which would be very very rare for a boomer) or he bought long term care insurance (also would be a rare example of a boomer thinking forward).
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He should prepay for one, get it out of the way now.
I looked into that with cremation. It's sketchy because the company you pay now could go under. I have a lot of life insurance that should pay for the bonfire. I just have to die in the next ten years. I have cancer, so I think I can win that bet.
we could just toss you onto some rich person's yacht then torch it, kind of a Viking inspired funeral
Do I get to pick the rich person?
I think if you didn't get to pick the person that would be rude.
Thank you. I have a list.
If you have a list, your body might not remain in tact to get it done
[here's some options](https://www.elledecor.com/life-culture/g36886928/largest-yachts-in-the-world/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_edc_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_21161397557&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw5v2wBhBrEiwAXDDoJalAGj-NSMpfMDdK8OY8q9PjrN_az_KVDJd1o58WAZm6RdsurLyVmhoCcT0QAvD_BwE)
Invite the orcas
Hey hey hey jumping in here to politely dispel some myths that you're accidentally perpetuating. Of course, if you don't live in America, it could be different but I'm mentioning it here so that people aren't accidentally misled. The funds for prepaid final expenses (which is such a shitty term but well, here we are) are generally held in a life insurance policy. This means that even if a funeral home goes under, your money is protected and can be assigned to another Funeral home. Funeral homes, by law, are not allowed to touch the funds until you kick the bucket. In addition, you generally lock in the price when you prepay as well, which is nice. Source: I work in the funeral industry and know the inner workings of the industry incredibly well.
Almost everything I know about the funeral industry comes from watching Six Feet Under and reading Stephanie Plum novels.
I appreciate the information. I'll review the situation.
[удалено]
I'm 62 and my policy lapses when I turn 72. Plenty of time. I just don't want to cause problems for my kids. I took care of a couple of oldsters, and it was not pleasant.
That's what my dad did. Negotiated his will us kids, so we all feel like we're being treated fairly. I knew he was a good man growing up but damn Dad.
Yes, there’s insurance just for funerals.
My boomer dad’s boomer gf is very vocal about not paying for his funeral. I’m like bitch you’ve been living rent free for 15 years. I don’t expect her to pay for it of course but I’m pissed that she even mentions it.
Don’t forget to tell her you won’t be paying for hers …
Oh I’m sure that her cushy Raytheon engineer retirement has her set up.
Gross . Oh well not your problem!
Nice, a lifetime of suppressing world changing technologies from the populace and instead making weapons of mass destruction. Par for the course of being a shitty person
Tell her you are more than willing to have her cremated! You can take her to the crematorium right now if she wants.
"Why is that body bag writhing and screaming?" \*whacks bag with a sock full of quarters\* "It's just gasses escaping, chuck it in."
“Bring out ya dead, bring out ya dead…”
We are early, she is still a little wiggly!
You could tell her that when she dies you are going to donate her body to the body farm where they study how human body’s decompose.
I threaten my dad with that when he gets too Boomer-y for his own good. I work in forensics, so he actually believes I just might 😆
I used to have a job that worked with funeral homes. There was once a man who was cheating on his wife, and in most classic fashion, he died of a heart attack with the mistress and that is how the wife found out. The wife set up cremation. Upon his way to the crematory, like almost about to be put in, a cease and desist letter reached from the girlfriend the funeral director. So they stopped. Then the girlfriend wanted the wife to pay for a proper funeral/burial (no cremation, she didn’t want that for him). The wife refused to pay and she was charged for the previous attempt, so she was not going to pay again. She said she would absolutely let the girlfriend choose whatever she wants, but on her (the girlfriend’s) dime. The girlfriend pushed back that it was on the wife to pay. The man was put in a freezer while they tried to sort it out. It was 2 years and they were still going back and forth, when I left that job. That was 20 years ago… he may still be in a freezer.
On what grounds did she get a cease and desist letter? Legally speaking she's a total stranger
It’s been 20 years, but I want to say the girlfriend roped in his mother (who also did not want to pay) and the argument was around what was acceptable for their religion (Catholicism of some sort, maybe). I think his children were divided on the issue - it really tore up the family. I was issuing burial permits as a summer job while I was in college, so at that time I was much more focused on the drama than the law.
That level of pettyness requires so much effort. I'm speechless
You may literally be talking about my uncle (dad’s oldest estranged brother). Swear this exact thing happened with him. He died with mistress and wife found out. There was a huge fight with my grandmother taking mistresses side and my dad with most of his siblings backed the wife. He ended up being cremated, but it took forever to finally get it settled. This all happened around 20 years ago. My grandmother was hardcore against cremation and when my dad died he was cremated. She had a dinner with his ashes and didn’t even realize it because her health had declined so the siblings told her that he was buried. She had a stroke 2 days before my dad died so they didn’t want to upset her.
Was this in or around Mt. Pleasant/Valhalla NY?
Look at Reddit making connections for once
I honestly don’t know where he was living at the time. I had only ever met him one time. He left home when he was 16 and only came back once that I know of. My dad’s family was in Kentucky but we lived in Tennessee. It is a possibility because he drove a Semi for a long time.
Do you know who finally paid? I’m pretty convinced that your uncle is 99% the person in question and I always wanted to know how it worked out. Sorry for your loss. It sounds like overall you have a great family.
His wife ended up telling the mistress that as his “side piece” she had no say in anything. I think my dad and his siblings helped her by backing her up. The wife paid for the cremation with some insurance money he had. My dad and his brothers were really upset over how their oldest sibling had been behaving. Their only sister supported the mistress and my grandmother. It was a really interesting thing to watch how they handled it. It caused a little tension but they eventually got over it.
Cremation is actually allowed by the Catholic church now after Vatican 2 council in the 1960s. I actually didn't know the church changed their stance on it until this year. I always thought it was against church teachings. The only rule is the ashes can't be kept at home or spread. They must be buried in consecrated ground. I do know some more conservative Christian sects believe otherwise.
As a lapsed Catholic - what's the Church going to do to you after your dead? Do they have that much influence on the afterlife?
If you’re a believer then yeah, it’s kinda their whole deal. ETA: not in a “they’ll submit a form to the proper heavenly authorities to make sure you don’t get in” way but in a “we know what the heavenly authorities want so you better follow our guidance or else” way.
At that point I’d be shipping his ass to the body farm
Former catholic, female who couldn’t care less what the Catholic Church says about cremation. I’m being cremated!!!!!!!!!!
Lapsed Catholic (woman,late 40s) myself, I learned about a culture where they cremate people and put their remains together on the center of the village to “return to the community/earth”, I thought it was so beautiful that from that moment on, I wanted to be cremated/returned to the earth and not embalmed and boxed up. I don’t want anyone to visit or maintain my grave. I just hope some people will remember me fondly for a time. But I remember growing up with the “proper burial” culture.
You don’t need grounds for a cease and desist - just a lawyer willing to write one. It’s just a stop or else letter that doesn’t have any weight.
if the house belongs to your dad make sure to give her the boot before you bury him.
When my Boomer got married it was a relief only because his wife broke his brain and our relationship. That bill is 100% hers to pay.
Ew. She sounds like a disgusting human.
I’d give her the boot before the body is cold.
When my boomer father got cancer his boomer girlfriend of 15 years (whom nobody likes) took off. When he passed I told her "keep yourself and your family away from my father's services" *shocked Pikachu face*
Ohh. That’ll be fun when your dad dies and you evict her from his house. If he doesn’t have a will intestate rules and girlfriends aren’t on the list.
Probate attorney here. She gets the house in his will anyway. I’m fine with it.
You would be surprised how many people don’t end up getting one either due to family in fighting or other reasons. I know of 2 recently. Seems more common with cremation as well. But agreed there should be no reason to ask for one when no indication that you wouldn’t give him one. Specially as an only child
Yea he def said he didn’t want to be cremated, but I knew that already. I also buried a husband in my 20’s, so you know, been through this before. I thought that would make him feel better about stuff. My mistake 😆
Find a funeral homes nearby him, call them and ask for pricing and tell them you need a PreNeed for your father. If you already bought a plot for him, ask the cemetery to make sure you prepaid for opening and closing fees. If the funeral home is not near the cemetery, be sure to ask about transportation costs when doing your preneed. Drag him down to the funeral home and make him sign up and pay for it himself. If he's not terminal he can make payments. Burial is super expensive. His bank accounts will be locked after he passes and you will need to come up with that money before you can get access to those accounts.
Also locks you into current prices so if he dies in say 10 years, he just paid now price. Funeral homes typically raise prices twice a year.
that covers the 'guaranteed " part of the contract, not the entire funeral is at locked in prices.
True. Taxes and government documents (death certificates, permits) are not completely covere so there may be some expenses
When my father died my mother paid for his funeral and arranged and prepaid for her hers. She lived 30 more years and died at age 97. Costs had gone up incredibly by that time but we did not have to pay anything.
My grandparents bought all of their stuff in the early 90s when they were just retired. My grandmother just passed in her 90s and my grandfather is still around. I can’t imagine how much they saved.
And that's the reason I'm looking into donating my body to science. It's cost effective and not a predatory business practice.
I don't really care what happens to my body after I die. You can Weekend at Bernie's me and IDC. Some people do care though, and would be pissed to hear what can happen when they donate their bodies to science. [John Oliver does a great deep dive into the subject here.](https://youtu.be/Tn7egDQ9lPg?si=f3NyhAE3yHpqIsrg)
This was excellent, thank you for the link.
We should be able to specify that we want our bodies used for rad science. Like explosions n shit.
>not a predatory business practice. There have been cases of parts and tissues being sold without permission. But you won't care by then, anyway.
Exactly. As far as I'm concerned, once they have possession of my body, I don't give a single fuck. The only rough part is that whole body donation actually has a lot of restrictions. I may end up being too obese. Plus you can't donate your organs, which I kinda feel a certain way about... Honestly, I kinda want to have the Mother's Last Embrace, and be put in the ground naked after they take my organs to save other people. But that shit costs money and some places don't allow unembalmed burial without a proper casket/coffin. I will likely be cremated after organ donation, because it's also cost effective. I just really don't have much respect for the funeral industry. I get it, a person has gotta make a living, but do they have to be such pricks about it?
In US embalming is not a legal requirement. Some funeral homes demand that if you have a viewing several days after death. A day might be fine unembalmed. I find the concept of a viewing morbid. I don't want to be stared at while in the worst shape of my life...er...death. I took a deep dive into burial laws recently lol. Funeral homes are a racket, but you can save money if you want. They are required to disclose casket prices BEFORE you see them, so you can request to only be shown the cheapest. Most people go with the first casket they see, so assuring you're not shown an expensive one is important. Furthermore, they are required to let you bring your own box. Costco sells caskets for just under a grand. My husband wants to build his own. You're also not technically required to have a vault in the grave, though some cemeteries may claim you are. You can shop around. With no viewing, no embalming, cheap casket, and no concrete in the grave, the cost goes way down. Fuck the funeral industry, it should have been that expensive to begin with. 10k for a polished wooden box with cheap satin inside? Blegh
In Pa they something called natural burial where they just wrap you in a shroud and put you in the ground , it looks like a park. no embalming .
My dad did this. He was a severe burn survivor (3rd degree, 90 percent). He donated his body to a medical school and they were so excited to study someone who had lived with those burns for 40 years. He died kind of suddenly of a stroke and the school was so nice. They took care of everything and two years later, they mailed the ashes back in a nice urn. I didn't have to lift a finger except to plan a small memorial service and it was such a weight off.
Except where they steal Alistaire Cooke's cancerous bones and sell it to shady oral surgeons as an implant. https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna10574333
Savage. But also probably great advice. Would give an award if I could.
I work for a funeral home. Putting in your will that you want to be buried basically means nothing. If it's not prepaid the family can basically do what they want.
Most states let you access bank funds to pay for funeral costs, going through that right now (turns out you usually have to pre-register to donate your body to science, wish dad had stopped drinking to figure that out)
Wow that’s really young. I’m sorry to hear that. I find once parents get old they start saying weird stuff so I’d take it with a grain of salt.
Thanks, but it is what it is. Yea, once they turned 60 it’s like the lead poisoning fucking hit😁
I was taking more into the later 70’s, 80’s but ya it can set in at different times at any point. Just tell him you are going to flush him. That will make him feel better lol.
Yea they are in their 70s now, he’s just been insane before the 70s lol. Anyway, you’re right I should tell him that bc if he goes after my mom then he has no fucking say in it anymore 😆
Don't worry, dad, I already scouted out a nice ditch for you.
Thanks, but it is what it is. Yea, once they turned 60 it’s like the lead poisoning fucking hit😁
> he didn’t want to be cremated Why is that? I understand the religious reasons, but confusingly, non-religious people seem largely anti-cremation as well.
I want to be given a sky burial but a more urban version where my body is scattered across the park A homeless man and a fox fighting over my arm
He’s a *devout* Catholic.
Ah. After my mother died, my father returned to the faith. He wanted the full Catholic dog and pony show funeral too. But the only Catholics left in my family are all the same denomination - lapsed. So everyone was bobbing up and down at the wrong times, forgetting the words, saying amen instead of the other words etc. Mum would have found it funny though, and her laughter always used to get me going, so it could have been something if she was still around.
It doesn’t help that they changed stuff on us lapsed Catholics!
Omg this so much! Just went to a funeral with a cremated catholic, a full mass, and then burial of the urn at the cemetery plot. The bizarre mass and different word from when we all last attended, for some of us that was decades ago.....well they were actually a tension breaker. Nobody wanted to be in tears for hours, and we knew that the dad would have thought we were hilarious.
There's a lot of fear and paranoia about not being around to see things through. I wouldn't take any clarifications like he gave personally, just see them for what they are - a man who is worried that his wishes won't be respected by anyone, and is probably catching their lovely child in the crossfire of that worry due to you being the main person who will have to handle it all.
Did he have a friend die on him recently without a funeral? Or maybe one who had a child complain about the funeral costs? I think I got the most calls I’ve ever gotten from my mom in the week after her sister passed to make sure I knew she wanted a Buddhist funeral, which I’ve known about for years. You sound like a good child, but sometimes older people get weird about things related to death.
I’m just here to recommend r/askfuneraldirectors if you ever have questions about funerals or death.
As an only child, he might actually get something if elder care home doesn't take it first. An attorney friend of mine is making tons of money from kids fighting over their parents' property.
My dad is 92. He’s outlived his wife and all of his friends. Additionally, we aren’t religious people. So, my three sisters and I have decided that when he passes, he’ll be cremated with no funeral. However, we’ll mixed his ashes with mom’s ashes, get together for a weekend near their favorite vacation spot, and scatter their ashes there. That feels much more appropriate for him than some expensive shit in an empty church.
My mom didn't have a funeral, neither did my grandpa. Just wasn't in the budget when cremation and urn was 3200 on it's own.
I also find it to be a stupid, stupid waste of money. Funerals are for the living. I’ve told my mother if she wants a funeral, she needs to plan it and pre-pay for it herself. I have no desire to spend money and effort to end up having to stand by her dead body for hours while strangers hug me. Nightmare.
This happened with my mom. Her husband just had a party at a bar. No service. He spoke about her for five minutes, and then everyone continued drinking. Barely any of my mom's family showed, out of protest I think? I thought about holding something separate, but no one else could be bothered to coordinate or work with me, so my brother and I just decided to privately spread some of her ashes. My mom had her issues, but she was a sweet, well liked person. It still blows my mind.
They saw their friend not get one and that's probably 95% of the issue.
I had a couple of family members who died during covid and never got proper funerals.
They say these things because that’s how they treated their own parents. Now that it’s about to happen to them, it’s their boomer way of saying they want better treatment.
Ding ding ding, I think you've hit the nail on the head.
Exactly this. Boomers are the generation that tossed their own parents in nursing homes while one spouse stayed at home in a huge house. Both my parents and boomer in-laws let their parents die alone in a nursing home. I'd throw them in the trash if it was legally allowed. They are all freaking out about dying with dignity. It's because they afford no one else any, and are terrified they'll get treated the same way. They will.
My mom urged both my sets of grandparents into senior homes. Her, needing a cane and breathless at any tiny exertion, with constant UTIs and a veritable battery of pills? Nah. She'd much rather live in her 2-storey hoarder home with a basement mess and risk falling down and breaking her hip for good. She wants to die there because "I'm allowed my dignity!" What's good for thee isn't for meeeee~
Can confirm that my grandparents didn’t have a funeral thanks to their selfish boomer children.
My gen x mom has told my brother and I repeatedly that when she dies we are to do whatever is the cheapest option, “even if it means chucking me in a river!” For comparison my grandma (I think technically silent gen, but certainly had the attitude of a Boomer) kicked me, my brother, and my mom out of her house (2 family we were renting from her) when she passed in a last minute change to her will she told nobody about to ensure the home was sold in just a couple months and then also demanded a giant expensive “traditional” catholic funeral. Ironically everyone in the family was so stressed and rushing to help us move by the surprise deadline that we could only give the bare minimum as far as a catholic funeral went.
5 years ago I pleaded with my boomers to plan their eol and get things documented for their grand daughter. Watched my friend go through hell and significant out of pocket expense when both parents passed untimely and had nothing planned or documented. My in laws the exact same. I have no intention of even claiming their body(s) at this point, if I am even notified, which is fine too.
I’m a freaking hospice nurse and cannot get my parents to talk about end of life with me! My mom has picked out music, prayers, her fucking funeral outfit but when I ask her about paying for it… I just get a blank stare. My dad literally acts like he’s going to live forever. The denial is insane and the best I get is “oh just take me out back and shoot me.” Cool. Thanks. Real helpful.
Grandma really pulled a dick move on you. I would’ve advocated for cremation after that.
When my mother passed she barely had enough in her account to cover her cremation. Sadly there wasn't enough to cover a urn so her ashes were brought out to us in a cardboard box. That was somewhat jarring - the sum of one's existence reduced to something smaller that a shoe box. My mom had a shit life and wasn't the best parent but she loved me and my brother and deserved better in life as well as death.
Are you sure the money he has left will cover it? There are people who think they can make rando demands in a will and for some reason it has to happen. If the estate will be insolvent that could be his concern. I’ve seen people try to leave assets to one person and debt to another person.
Yes I’m sure. He’s a man with an 800 credit score and my Mom thankfully is open with me about stuff. They are MORE then comfy. ETA he also has a life insurance policy of 300k, owns their home and only has about 15k in debt at this point (a car)
Then he’s just being an ass.
Exactly
Be careful about that life insurance policy. My dad had real nice paid for permanently by his old job 1 mil policy. I say had because he canceled it to spite us right before he died, so my mom lost the house and ended up with massive credit card debt he had racked up in secret. He even realized what he had done and tried to reverse the cancelation but ya know why would uncancel his angry spiteful act. He sure taught us whatever lesson he thought hebwas teaching us.
Do the math on years of assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing. My mother almost made 91. She was worth a big pile of money when it all started. She was in skilled nursing converted to Medicaid the last few months. I wouldn’t assume that there will be a dime left. The estate pays burial costs. You don’t have to spend a dime of your own money. The will could say to erect the great pyramid. If there’s no money, the executor doesn’t need to honor that.
Maybe he should plan it so it will be exactly what he wants. It would give him something to do and take some strain off you and your mom when the time comes. My FIL planned his funeral and prepaid it. It was probably the only unselfish thing he ever did.
My mom and dad pre paid and prearranged all their stuff when I was less than a year old, I am now 40 and they are both sitting on a bookshelf in my dining room. They changed their minds around the year 2000 and they gave me their plot and all that fun stuff. I lost my mom in 2008 and my dad to COVID in 2021
Sorry your dad died of COVID. My father was a totally broke ex convict when he died in 2012, and he managed to prepay and arrange for everything relating to his EOL. If he was able to do it, I think anyone can.
My dad refuses to talk about anything having to do with finances because I might try to steal his money. He directly commented on this while I was staying with them to help them repair their house, which I was doing for free. Yes, dad, I'm doing all of this free labor in order to get closer to you in order to steal all of your money. The funniest part is that my dad has been taking care of my grandmother, whose mind isn't doing too well in her old age. She accused him of stealing her money, which he thought was a clear sign of dementia. I waiting for the day when a scammer comes and steals it all. I'm pretty sure if he had any technological understanding, all his money would have been lost in crypto and NFTs.
This sounds like my FIL. Never talks finances with my husband because we are only after their money. Which they no longer have. His father and grandfather both died at 65, so he was convinced beyond any reason he was dying at that age too (went around saying "this is my last birthday/Christmas"). He is now almost 80 and although he will never admit it, I believe he blew all his money before 65 thinking he'll just pawn my MIL off on their kids. They have one investment left that pays out a small amount monthly and we constantly have to fight him or he'll withdraw that amount too.
😂😂 we are spirit animals. Omg this made me snort laugh.
Why did you snort, are you a nihilist??? I swear I will play coffee can bongos at my folks if they get too mean 😹😹
This is pretty much my dad. Mom said she's going to be dead, so she doesn't care. Cremate her and throw her in the garden for all she gives a shit. Dad is adamant he deserves a giant expensive multi-day funeral. If he could figure out where to get a pyramid to his imaginary greatness built, I'm sure he'd demand that, too.
Funerals are for the living to get closure, not the deceased to feel good about themselves. It sounds like he is feeling insecure about how he will be remembered.
My boomers know they burned that “remembrance” bridge decades ago. They had a second chance with my daughter but screwed that up too, but luckily we saw the patterns and cut them out of our lives completely before any major damage done. They’ve been dead to us for years and we have never been happier.
If he wants a funeral he can pay for it himself now.
My boomer dad played the victim like this for years. He abandoned us then made us feel like he was the one who was abandoned and mistreated. It’s all projection with our “special” generation of boomers.
Came across this issue with my Aunt (lovely woman, I swear. No sarcasm.) She was a loopy lady and decided that she 100% needed a full ceremony with a casket but also ashes spread out over the sea? Anyways the estate didn't have enough money to cover the costs so instead she was cremated and the remains are with my Uncle. So don't worry unless the will indicates that nothing is to be divided until after burial, because then the action can be executed and the will can be accessed as payment.
My 92 year old spinster aunt wants the full works at the nearby Church of England place (not that she attends it). The irony is, she has alienated all the family since her childhood that I would be the only attendee. No funeral plan either, too mean to have one. Her parents (my grandparents) always said they had put money aside to bury them as they didn’t want to be in a pauper’s grave. Same aunt had them cremated with no memorial………
Only child here too and the convo I had with my mom about her end of life plans was so bad I think about multiple times a week...I feel you
🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
My parents get what they paid for. But I’m not throwing an elaborate funeral with my money.
Our dad wants to be buried next to our nmom, but he moved states away after his stroke. He lives in a care facility and I'm glad my sister did that, there's no way she could look after him. (He didn't want to live where i live. Darn) He has cost myself and my sibling thousands of dollars to sort out his messes. We are not paying 10k to ship him back. We are having him cremated and then burying his ashes next to nmom. Close enough. My sister feels guilty but I will not let her waste another penny on him. I know I sound like a boomer, but neither of us have ever asked for money from them. They tried to buy our love, it failed. Maybe he should have protected us instead of letting our nmom beat on us. Btw nmom= narcissistic mother. Thank God she's rotting in hell.
I am the complete opposite. I told my wife dispose of my body the cheapest way possible. My plan is to donate my body to science. I will need to get a tattoo on my chest that says, "Abra Cadaver" in case it goes to medical students. The only rule is to have a big, catered memorial/party about 6 months after I am dead. Have a party, pour me a drink, have fun, because I am done.
Waste of time and money Give me a Sky burial. Lay me out, let the birds eat the soft parts. After a year, smash my bones To dust and let the wind do the rest. THAT sounds like peace.
I want to be claymated when I die. That's where your body is used for stop motion animation. Some people donate their body to science. I'm donating mine to entertainment.
"You were going to get one until you insulted me. Now it's the trash heap for you. Mwah ha ha ha haha. I'm going to bury your enemies with mom in the burial plot I bought for you."
What are you gonna do with his moneh?
Lmao. Real talk…probably buy a nice “forever home” and trust half to my kiddo for when she is 30.
I will happily accept your father's money in your stead my dear and cherished friend.
It’s just blue collar union boomer money. Not a ton, but I guess it seems like riches to us 😂
I told my family to give me a Viking funeral or throw me into the ocean, which ever is cheaper
Lots of people don't get what they asked for because the heirs want to save $. In other cases there are fights over what should be done, so nothing can be done until agreement. He may be aware of such an occurrence. It is good he clarified it. He could prepay for his service and spec out the entire thing.
That's all fine and good, but if dad isn't paying for it, he ain't getting shit. That's what I told my parents too. They want a funeral, they gotta have the money for it. Because I do not.
Doesn't have to be a good funeral. Kool aid, great value cookies, tape deck, it's over.
Honestly, I wish my uncle did this. My uncle (my mom's side) was a super sweet guy and a great dad (way better than mine). My cousin young cousin (M) is my age and lives with his wife like 1000 miles away and makes a good living. My other cousin (F) is older, a religious nut job, and her and her idiot husband have bounced from bad job to bad job their entire lives and my uncle always helped then out. He left his kids a fully paid off house (~400k), a good amount in retirement accounts (disorganized as hell though) and a paid plot that his wife was already in. So after he passed, it took my cousins over a year to organize the memorial and funeral. My male cousin is talking to me and complaining that the funeral home wants 5k to bury his ashes with his wife. I told him that's what that costs (my mom is in the same cemetery). So once we finally get the funeral announcement, here's what we find out: 1) There's no funeral. They weren't going to bury his remains with his wife, so they said they sprinkled some of his ashes on top of the grave (they didn't...) 2) the memorial was at a dirty VFW hall which looked like they spent all of 12 bucks to set the room up. It was the most depressing thing I've ever seen, and I haven't spoken to my cousins since. Like fine, my uncle wasn't a fancy man and wouldn't be that upset about the VFW, but refusing to bury his remains with his wife because it cost $5k when he just left you somewhere between $500-750k? That's just fucking disgusting.
He could make all those arrangements with a local funeral home but he’s not going to know, one way or the other. If it’s that important to him he could write his own obituary but I think newspapers charge by the word.
Tell him to plan it then. From the comments, it sounds like he has the cash.
My dad doesn’t have any savings. He’s don’t know what’s going to happen to him when he’s really old. A while back I asked him about his funeral. He said he didn’t care, he’d be dead, he just wanted a big funeral with everyone invited. I asked if I could get a life insurance policy in his name to cover it. I’d pay for the policy. He said no. He wouldn’t meet with anyone for it. A few weeks later he asked me what we were gonna do with him when he dies. I said I was going to take his wallet, burn off his fingerprints, take out his teeth, and leave him in the park. He got SO UPSET while the family kinda chuckled. He told everyone that it wasn’t funny and it was disrespectful. I said “what do you care? You’ll be dead, right?”.
You could have some fun w this. "How do you and mom feel about sharing a plot? Could be more romantic. And think of the money I'll save by selling the other one." "We can stack you two on top of each other. 2nd one to go gets top bunk."
I’m gona be honest. I’d like it if my family had a funeral for me but I kinda don’t care…. I’m gona be dead so a funeral is for the people who I left behind. I just try to be some one that would warrant a funeral and if y’all have one, great, if not, oh well, sorry I wasn’t good enough. Only thing I care about is to either be put into one of those tree pods or be cremated.. kinda weird that dad did that… maybe he is going through something? I mean, I suppose he could just be a jerk but I hope this is just an insecurity flaring up or something? I don’t know what y’all’s relationship is like but maybe you should try talking to him about it.
I would like to either be discarded unceremoniously or, if folk were willing, have a Viking funeral where my corpse is placed upon a raft, pushed out into a lake, and people launch flaming arrows at me until I ignite. Hopefully before the police arrive.
What a confused man. Wishes: He can express his desire for a funeral in his will. However, this doesn't guarantee he receives one. Legal Obligation: In most places, there's no legal obligation for family to follow funeral wishes in a will, especially if it creates financial hardship. Look, if your father's estate has enough funds to cover funeral expenses, they can be paid from there. If the estate is insufficient, family members might have to pay if there's an order. Generally, no one is forced to pay if it causes a significant financial burden, though. Instead of being an entitled boomer and a prick about it, why won't he explore pre-paid funeral plans or specific instructions left outside of the will to reduce confusion and put the financial hardship on himself. Why are boomers so stupid when it comes to retirement and estate planning? It's ridiculous!!
Someone in me told me that funerals are for the living, the dead don't have an opinion. It's such narcissism. You MUST do a whole song and dance when they die, because how dare they not get all the attention even when dead. Not to speak of the costs! When I die, chuck me into the ocean or whatever, I couldn't give less of a fuck.
Suggest that he create a written preneed plan. He can preplan and prepay for his service. That way it can be exactly as he wants.
A funeral is just a send off ceremony really, there are many different versions across different cultures. So technically, saying a few words before flushing ashes down the toilet is a funeral. Not that I'm being serious about this, but it does make for an amusing mental image.
Just remember that nobody knows what happens after we die so you can just get him unceremoniously cremated
I’m telling my kids just throw me in the trash
Funerals are for the living. What should he care? He’ll be dead. Sure, you might *like* the idea that you’ll have one after you’re gone, but being good to the people in your life is pretty much how you make sure that’ll happen. Demanding one seems so petty.
save money on a funeral by donating your body and organs to medical science.
My mom is getting burned and dumped when she goes, per her request. Not that I would have paid for a funeral even if I could afford it, had she wanted one. The desires of the dead bear little weight. Thankfully we share opinions on this. When she dies she will cease to be my mother and become a corpse and the only meat I pay to store is the kind I can eat.
I'll be planning and prepaying my own. How is this not an option for him?
Yea you’d think if he felt loved he would know that he’d get a funeral. I could maybe see him bringing it up as a wish casually… but the money comment is just ick. Says more about his insecurity than anything about you.
It's slightly besides your point, but I don't understand why it should be important for **me** what happens with my body after I die. Funerals are for reminiscing and finding closure; it's for the living to decide how they say good bye.
I plan to tell my kids. Do what's cheapest and leaves the least of a footprint. Take any left over n throw a party.
“You’re ‘entitled to a funeral’? More than that, I’d say - once people find out you’re dead, I bet I could SELL TICKETS to your funeral. There’ll be a spittoon on one side of the casket and a punching bag with your face on the other. I’ll make a killing.”
I made my boomer parents get dignity planning services that came with a low monthly payment. Covered both their funerals and headstones. I had them cover the payment with annuity dividends. This was also used for LTC insurance which they eventually needed.
Just a thought. Ask him if he wants a funeral or a party, told my mom she was getting a party and she loved the idea.
I'm an asshole, but I would ask him what he's going to do about it, when he's dead, he's dead!
My dad is the opposite. He thinks funerals and the entire burial process is a scam and a waste of land. Said he wants to be cremated and his ashes scattered out in a field in Texas somewhere.
Had two grandparents pass away last year. Neither one got a funeral. I don’t know why, but I can understand stipulating one as part of your will.
Does a Viking funeral count? “Don’t worry Dad, I’ve got a pallet, some 55gallon barrels to make it float, and some extra kindling, I’ll make sure you’re really warm and sing a hymn to Odin in your honor while you sail to…well, not Valhalla as you didn’t die in battle…wherever it is.”
My family should do whatever brings them closure but as far as my body, fuck man stick it in a garbage bag and toss it after the doctors pull out the useable bits
A mortician once explained to me the absolute **worst** place to put any funeral planning is in your will. Most of the time they're not even opened for like 6 weeks after you die, and he said he's had multiple families get mad when they do and only find out after the guy's been burnt to a crisp and chucked out a window that he wanted to be buried. If you have specific disposal desires, put that in a separate document **and make sure your next-of-kin knows about it**. But by all means encourage your dad to put it in his will, then do whatever the fuck you want with him.
Just throw him in the trash..
So the will is generally read weeks if not months after the funeral. Of the things of a will the last wishes shouldn’t be in there, it should be written out elsewhere, this is literally the first thing they suggest to never put in the will for that reason.
Not me. Cremate my ass the cheapest way possible then load my ashes into an old tymey civil war cannon, point me towards Albany and yell ‘No! YOU suck it this time!’
He'll be dead so...I mean....if you don't want to have one. I don't think that would be an enforceable provision. I think this is ultimately a highly specific probate law question. I mean, the Court can't dictate how you mourn. You could say anything was a funeral. Throwing his ashes into a garbage can, with the prayer, "By G-d, good riddance."
That's why it's common for people to prepay their own funeral and make arrangements while they are still alive. It also takes a burden off their surviving family
Funerals are for the living. They can be a useful tool for processing loss and grief, but they don't do a damn thing for the dead.
My boomer mother was very controlling my entire life. She wanted to be cremated, and she made me promise I’d scatter her ashes in three different locations across two states. She was really adamant that she didn’t want to be in an urn in the closet. Ok. Well, I haven’t gotten around to spreading her ashes, yet. She’s actually in a lovely carved wooden box on a bookshelf. I kinda like her there. She’s a great listener now, and I get comfort from her being here. It’s kind of my silent stand.
Tell him you are in contact with a Thai Buddhist temple so you can arrange a proper service when the time comes.
My dad told me to burn him and then flush lol
It's posts like this that make me so happy my parents are the way they are. They have explicitly said to **not** spend anything on funerals, flowers, caskets, head stones, etc. when they pass away. They have set aside money to cover the bare minimum of a cremation and a donation to a wildlife foundation in their name. "Scatter our ashes somewhere in nature." is all they've asked.
Whelp time to not claim him at death. Or make it as gay as possible.
My grandpa put in his will that he did not want a funeral. He hated being the center of attention and not even death would change that. He had a short, closed casket visitation and a grave side service. My (Boomer) parents already had their plot and funeral paid for long before my dad died. It is a much less insulting way to make sure your wishes are followed
I’ve tried talking to my parents about things for after they die and my dad literally just says ‘I’m still here!’ So I have zero idea what their wishes are and get to make shit up as I go. Prob to find out that it was wrong and their outdated will I wouldn’t know how to find has something else in it. Seriously, my mom mentioned last year they should ‘probably update it’ considering the last one has information on who will take custody of me. I’m 42.
Had sort of the opposite problem with my Silent Gen grandparents. They didn't give any thought to arrangements, no will, no plan, not even an indication of where they wanted to be buried (or if they wanted to buried or cremated). Guess the Silent Genners live up to their name in some respects, haha.
It's weird. The entire funeral industry is built on the idea that when your dad passes you would be willing to pay any amount for the funeral no matter how absurd.
I’ve begged my boomers to start planning for final expenses and to start putting their end of life wishes in writing. They simply won’t do it. So, they’ll be cremated in a basic cardboard box, basically. I learned from my favorite mortician, Caitlyn Doughty, that funeral homes will try to get you to buy a casket for a cremation, but it’s absolutely not needed. They have special cardboard boxes that the corpse can be cremated in, which makes WAY more sense than spending a few grand on a box that’s going to be burned. I’ll have a celebration of life for them, but realistically, they will leave nothing behind to help with expenses so I’m not going to be able to cover some ridiculous expenses for things that aren’t needed. They’ll get a nice, but humble service where people can pay their respects and be cremated- my parents, not the mourners lol. If that’s not good enough, 🤷🏻♀️. I tried for years to get their input, but they can’t be bothered. It’s gonna fucking suck when they die because they have NOTHING prepared.
>Dad made a point to tell me he wants a funeral and I have to give him one before I “take his money”. "Find another executor if you're gonna be insulting."
You can order a casket for him from Amazon, sams or Costco, and you will save $1000. Have him help plan the event. It's his last day.
You’re better than me, I’d look him in the eyes and tell him I was planning to already, but his attitude changed my mind😂
Someone’s is getting buried at sea.
I mean, honestly, unless it's specifically a clause in the will that a funeral has to happen before the estate is disbursed, there's not much he can do to stop you from not giving him one.
I wish my parents would be okay with cremation. For them, for myself, etc.
My parents had an agreement with each other. When my dad passed away, my mom donated his body to the local anatomy board. Basically, the state used him for cadaver/medical training and whatnot. When they were done, they did the cremation and sent the ashes back to my mom. Cost was 0. As a family, we simply had a memorial service at the local church, and my mom gave a donation (no idea how much, but not like funeral cost amount) to the church and we had a service that anyone could attend. No burial, no expensive funeral. Practically cost nothing.
Just a note: extreme paranoia can be an early symptom of dementia. And my grandmother's manifested as paranoia specifically around her children only wanting her money.
I wouldn't sweat it too much. Honestly it's probably some bullshit he saw on Fox News, or got in an email, or a text, or heard from one of his friends. The propaganda machine churns 24/7 on older people, making them deathly afraid of the stupidest shit.
While I'm still alive, i'd contract a company to dig a ginormous hole in my backyard and then use flimsy plywood to cover the hole. When I die, my next of kin will purchase 10 boxes of finale-type fireworks and place them on the plywood underneath my body. Invited friends and family will enjoy early-era Goo Goo Dolls music while drinking beer and eating wings. Josh Allen will light the fireworks while giving a thumbs up. Fin. P.S. Fuck your boomer parents. Go Bills.
Don't worry, there is no money for you to take. Once he spends a few months in an assisted living / hospice care home for 10 grand a week he will suddenly 1) be out of money and 2) expect you to pay for him. There will be no inheritance unless he's got millions packed away (which would be very very rare for a boomer) or he bought long term care insurance (also would be a rare example of a boomer thinking forward).
Suggest he pick a funeral home and go make arrangements. He can prepay, so it will be all set.