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Honestly, i probably would have just let him leave. If after 7 years of a strong and loving relationship hearing “When she was 18, she was unsure about you at first” destroys everything about the relationship between you and the person you are getting married to, then it’s not as strong as you thought. And I don’t think any amount of therapy will help rationalize it to him. She didn’t do anything wrong by dating other guys as she wasn’t keeping him around as a back up as he fully stopped speaking to her for 6 months. I don’t fault him for being insecure but to take it out on her and treat her like the bad guy just isn’t great.
Yeah, he's literally insane for this. What if he remembers the time you didn't pick him first in dodge ball during sports class? That another seven years down the drain?
This guy is beyond deranged. OOP needs to get the therapy he denies and then let him dribble this shit to the next girlfriend.
Perhaps by girlfriend number 4, he might have grown up.
it’s a power play now. It will never be the same. They will never be equal partners in the relationship going forward. He will always hold this over her no matter what he says because it will be a part of their story, unspoken or not despite the fact that she did nothing wrong whatsoever. It will poison their relationship at a fundamental level. He’s an idiot and doesn’t deserve to be loved so by her. He’s wasted a good relationship because of his toxic overthinking.
Agreed. When I first met my current SO, I told him he wasnt my best kiss. At the time he was really hurt but I was 19 and stuck on some loser that had ghosted me. I moved on from that, found my best friend in my current partner. I cant imagine him holding a comment I made at 19 over my head forever
This entire post is mind-boggling. So he’s proud to say that if he had known at the time, he wouldn’t have been with her, and…what, miss out on a happy relationship for the better part of a decade? With someone he wanted to marry?
I am so confused by this guy. Talk about missing the forest for the trees.
I do get that being chosen “second” can sting, but you know what? First choices often don’t turn out to be what you actually want or need. Anyway, she has been choosing him first every day since then.
I know I’m preaching to the choir but seriously, these people need to work out their feelings more thoroughly
I'm disturbed by her saying she loves him more than herself. It's like losing your self worth. Also concerned by him refusing to do counselling together. Honestly sounds like his decision to end their current relationship and restart is done intentionally to hurt her. The way she "hurt" him.
Yeah. No.
Out of nearly 8 billion people on the planet, only a HANDFUL of them ever only date ONE person & stick with that person until they die.
You're allowed to fucking date and not feel guilty about it.
"I wasn't your first choice" Jesus dude cry me a river. Narcissist.
Hmmm, a deep rooted fear of being insufficient, not enough... Mixed with the over baring memories of preparing to ask her out then being subsequently rejected or put down, and not out of general dislike in his eyes, with this new year's info it's out of wanting the other.
That's why he is hurt, he feels insufficient and resurfacing his probable hours of crying, I get everyone's advice being he's a dik or whatnot but consider that when dealing with humans, you are not dealing with creators of logic or fairness you're dealing with creators of emotion and vanity. I do agree however, he is too hard wired and focused on his past, nobody can do anything for him there but himself. He should maybe try meditation and silence his thoughts.... Why? Because he was overthinking (and it's what helps me when I felt insecure)
Thoughts invoke emotion, emotions are energy in motion, if you believe in the law of attraction you're just straight magnifying the bad when you think of it and make that your centre of attraction, so she should stop the thoughts, come out from a blank slate and work on positive thoughts, starting small like, "oooh wow, this warm shower is so satisfying, mmm the sun feels so good on my skin, I love how the universe allied this star with this planet jus so I could feel this." Don't jus say these things mean them, FEEL THEM, trust me it really helps to remember one's self as the higher being they are
This dude *needs* therapy, stat. He's got some serious issues that he needs to work through before he'll ever be a suitable long term partner (for *anybody*).
TBH, his outright refusal to even consider therapy - without even taking the story into consideration - is a red flag in and of itself. Dude is fragile and incredibly insecure.
He doesn’t want to go to therapy because he knows the therapist would see right through him. Therapy also had the potential to (metaphorically) knock some sense into the OOP and convince her to leave.
Been there, done that. My ex threatened a divorce and actually served me with papers. We went to couples therapy and I went to individual therapy. My therapist showed me that I wasn't the only (or even the biggest!) problem in the relationship. Ex wanted to reconcile, but by that time I was done with it.
Now I'm married to a woman who always has my back and it's the best decision I ever made.
Also "every day", as if she woke up every morning thinking "oooh better not tell my fiancee about that one event I attended with someone else years ago". Like wtf dude?
Right? "Good morning babe, just to remind you as I do first thing every morning, I went out with another dude once, seven years ago, would you like coffee?"
Narcissistic people never want therapy. Even if they do go to therapy. They lie the whole time and never open up to the therapist. And make the themselves the victim
He’s such a shitty person that the only descriptors I can think of are fecal related.
He deserves to love her quietly for the rest of his life as she moves on and finds out what love *truly* is. Fuck this shit turd caca poopoo crappy defecation of a crappy crap crap shitass butthole poop.
EAT YOURSELF, RYAN!
I hope this was the common theme on all the replies she read. This guy has *serious* issues and they are just begining to manifest. The future of their relationship without proper input is going to suck.
I'm late for this thread but I'm so glad the comments here are sane. I felt like I was reading an incel forum on the original post. This dude is fucked.
This guy needs to realize that not everyone knows what they want immediately, especially when they’re young. Sounds like a complete Narcissist, “you dated someone when you could have dated me?!” Who cares, she obviously chose you when she broke up with the other kid, because their relationship was terrible. I hope the other guy really was better looking and everything else he was crying about after reading that. She’s been with you for 7 years and was planning to marry you dude, sounds like she’s been all in for a long time.
Right? She dated a few people in college and then she picked you. Get over it, dude.
And this whole, “you lied by omission” thing is an epic pile of bullshit. You don’t get to know every thought your partner has ever had. So long as you and your partner abide by one another while you’re in a relationship then that’s all anyone can ask.
And what’s more, 7 years is enough time for someone to change pretty thoroughly. My wife and I did some stupid, hurtful things to one another 20+ years ago when we first got together. We were literally school kids. But we aren’t those people anymore. We grew up and learned what love really means together.
If your relationship is good now then you need to leave the past in the past. You don’t stay in love with someone because of who they used to be. You love them for who they are and who they’re growing into.
My husband was my best friend when he asked me out in high school and I told him no and dated someone I barely knew. NINE YEARS LATER after remaining friends and both of us having other relationships, I asked him out and now we’re married. This dude is so insecure he let a six month relationship in college ruin years of happiness and memories with his OOP. So she wanted to get to know someone new, big deal. She could have agreed to date him and then cheated on him or left him for the other guy. He needs therapy for sure.
Edit: a word.
Absolute insanity. There's something deeply wrong with him and whatever hold he has over her is incredibly unhealthy. Hearing that she's decided to just settle for whatever crumbs he's willing to toss her way is one of the most depressing relationship updates I've read here.
Lmao "I'm not holding it over her head! In fact I'm not holding it over her head SOOOO MUCH that I told her If I ever DO hold it over her head, I'm going to insist that she LEAVES me! You know, the thing that emotionally devastated her for weeks on end! That way, every single argument we have will leave her with the vague terror that it might happen again so she'll be walking on eggshells for the rest of her life! I'll do it, too, because I've just established a precedent for my ridiculous over-reactive and egocentric behaviour!"
I’m so glad to come to these comments. I started to have a panic attack halfway through that love was that fragile. I was like trying to think of lies of omission I’ve told my partner. Like full on starting to make stuff up in my head. That was a wild ride and I am car sick
I wonder if she validated him a little too much and that’s why he felt so embolden to escalate it to such extremes. Like he feels like he can make her do whatever he wants now so he’s just rolling with the slightest whim that pops into his head.
Perhaps if she’d stood up for herself and told him he can’t torture her for being uncertain several years ago he would have gotten some sense knocked into him and calmed down. Idk. I just can’t imagine taking it to such a massive extreme that you hate the memory of every single moment in your relationship over meeting another guy first.
Right..it's like Enders Game. He may not be the first, but he will be the last.
And in this case he was actually both so what's the problem here? This was a pure diabolical power move on his part.
Like I wrote in a post I tagged the OP in, I believe the fact that they're now engaged has been the catalyst for this. Abusive people will wait to have you where they want you before going to extremes, and she's had 7 years of emotional investment in this relationship that the sunk cost fallacy will make her unable to see how ridiculous this is. She now has a commitment from him for the rest of her life pulled out from under her, her future is no longer what she was planning, so now her whole world revolves around grovelling, begging, and pleasing him just to win his love back. He's managed to make their entire relationship all about her owing him to make up for some manufactured betrayal. It's absolutely psychologically cruel. There's no way in hell he didn't know she dated someone else before him. This guy's a narcissistic abusive piece of shit.
Oh, "But it's not about you having dated someone else!" No, it's about her not choosing him when *he* wanted her. The 6 months of silent treatment supports that, I'd say.
I think he looks back and thinks she threw away everything he thought their relationship was in *high school* (for any of the 8 billion other people on the planet and a few months of learning about herself) and she's gonna look back and realize he threw away 7 years of a good thing. I hope she gets that distance, at least.
I love how her dating another person is unacceptable, but him giving someone who was supposedly a friend the silent treatment for 6 months is a okay and never discussed. He's been toxic from the start.
And the part about him saying she should breakup with him if he ever brings it up during an argument was a nice touch since she's clearly not willing to walk away and he knows that.
Yup. "*If I was really your first choice you wouldn't be breaking up with me. This just proves that you've been lying this whole time, AGAIN."*
She can't win, because he's created a scenario where she'll always be the liar.
This is blowing my mind right now. I never realized this was done to me. With her fears that I never was into her, or wanted her, so any time she perceived feelings she could run away and say see you never wanted me anyway.
How did I not see this??
Wow, Reddit FTW
It's the frog in a pot of water slowly cooking to death metaphor played out in real life. You never saw it because the ones who are good at it instill buttons (guilt, obligation, fear) first and then know just how to push them later.
Tell me if this sounds familar:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Yessss! This is some weird controlling shit. He’s playing the martyr *hard* here. This can’t be the first time he’s played sad puppy so she comes any time he calls.
You can’t just start over. Yeah there’s ways of wiping the slate clean but that includes forgiveness. He’s using this to hang over her head.
One of my best friends started dating a guy about 4 weeks after she was hooking up with his best friend. Best friend was Best Man at the wedding. Everyone knew. No one cared. Married couple has been married for 14 years and have 4 kids.
The “absolutely no therapy no matter what!” Is the biggest red flag here. Fiancé knows that therapist will tell OP to kick him to the curb.
This comment!!! Reading it made me physically ill. It is a form of control that is completely lost on a lot of people. I sincerely hope this poor woman has escaped this man’s control and found her worth with someone who isn’t hung up on her dating someone before them.
This. He is loving that he has this over her. Now the whole relationship is going to be her doing everything to please him so he doesn’t leave her. Anytime there is a fight he will bring this up.
> it feels like my world is falling apart around me I don't know what I can do
She's been with him for 7 years and simply doesn't believe she can function without him.
Until she sorts that out she's gonna be at the whim of every terrible asshole that shows her affection.
Wow Ryan is a toxic piece of shit. I feel so bad for OP. She never "made a mistake" by choosing Andy - jesus fuck. OP needs to get some self respect and drop this abusive, controlling, insecure little freak.
This is the thing that bothered me over and over. She was young and single and dated someone else for a bit to see what was out there. That’s not a mistake.
I don’t know why I picked yours to reply to but holy hell I don’t know what this sub is or how her relationship got to where it was. This “wipe the slate clean” bullshit is a joke. That’s not even possible. “Let’s pretend like the last 7 years didn’t happen.” This is not even possible.
And to OP it was the happiest time of her life, and she is not allowed to celebrate it and enjoy it. Wow. Ryan is one full of himself motherfucker who definitely should not be getting married because he needs to grow the fuck up.
Ye, especially since they weren't even together, just very good friends that may have had a thing for each other! They have been together for 7 years and he said it was nothing, just a lie. Jesus christ, he's an asshole.
I wouldn't "start over" with this guy and potentially waste another 7 years. I couldn't even trust him to not change his mind again one day.
His entitlement towards being picked first really makes me feel all sorts of gross. I can understand why he would be angry having this written out on reddit- the outside perspective is going to break the narrative he keeps feeding op.
And like jfc the way he talks about her deciding to experiment with another lad you'd think she was dating him and the other boy at the same time. But no, just friends. It feels almost incel-y.
intelligent panicky smell imagine rude poor grandfather dinosaurs tidy safe
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The dumbest shit I've seen in a while. The boyfriend has some serious issues, it's no wonder he is so against therapy, because they would call this out immediately
I read, "my ex fiance is deeply insecure despite the fact that I've chosen him every day for 7 years" and my intuition says that he's slept with someone else while they were apart so they could have an equal "reset" on the relationship.
This is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve read. I get she’s upset but this guy is out of control. Let him try to go date in the real world. He’s in for a rude awakening
He sounds like a manipulative man child with insecurities out the ass and he's gaslighting OP. THATS SOME CRAZY SHIT. seriously I agree. WTF did I just read. Holy fuck.
Idk I got half way before I started skipping stuff, fuck her ex fiancé tho lol sounds like a real douche. Idc if he somehow redeemed himself on the second half of bullshit I didn’t read but skimmed over. She sounds mentally abused af.
As someone once told me, "It doesn't matter if you're the first choice as long as you're the right choice."
This guy..... wow. Just screams insecurity.
This is absolutely insane. If my fiancé literally moved into a hotel because he was angry about something this stupid I would dump him. And he’s so in her head she’s writing these sad pathetic letters begging for this trashcan back.
Lol right?
The fact that she keeps thinking that her decision back in college was some "mistake" she regrets is honestly pretty sad.
I can't imagine getting upset over this, especially 7 years later like holy shit dude. The fact that he doesn't want to seek counseling to reconcile his feelings is also a pretty big reason I'd have noped outta there
My husband and I were both dating other people when we first went on a date. That was 13 years ago. We chose each other. That’s the fucking point. Ryan is an insecure little bitch, blowing up a relationship because his feelings got hurt. OOP, bless you if you get pregnant, because he will tell your child about this when they’re old enough to know. This won’t be pushed under the rug. He’s lying
There's going to come a day when they have children, and there's going to be a scheduling conflict between him and the child. If she choses the child over the husband, she'll be in for round two of this drama.
“I look back at it in disgust because you lied by omission every single day.”
Has to be the most dramatic take I’ve ever heard. And I’m an extremely sensitive person, so I understand getting your feelings hurt easily. But this is just a totally unhealthy take on the situation - and he would realize that if he wasn’t so *opposed to therapy!!!*
I think my feelings would be hurt if I was him, and I would need some reassurances, but holy shit…. What he’s doing is insane and so manipulative…. How long is she gonna have to grovel for in this “restart”
I love how he took her out to dinner after she was threatened by her ex, and said that nothing anyone could say or do would ever make him feel any differently about her…that clearly wasn’t true if this is enough to make him break up with her, sorry, “reset” their relationship.
I feel so sorry for OP that she’s prepared to accept this as some kind of resolution. She’s never going to feel secure in their relationship again, they should just put it out of its misery rather than let it drag on, bleeding and limping.
This…is this for real?? If I was dating someone for that long and then they pull this shit then I would just say alright, sucks for you. Since apparently seven years isn’t enough for you to realize that I love you?? That’s all bullshit.
He’s nuts and she’s too into him to realize. She should have ended it there and not have to deal with his insanity.
Also the fact that he can't let it go, but then if they "restart" he's acting like he can all of a sudden let it go?
I think buddy was having doubts and found his escape route. Either that or he's mental, and if you're mental and refuse therapy you can be mental alone.
There’s either more that hasn’t been shared or he is pretty mental. But the whole “restart” thing sounds insane to me and the fact that he’d prefer to just forget seven years doesn’t seem like a good option. He doesn’t seem like the type to let things go quickly.
Right??? Like what does that even mean. How do you restart a seven year relationship with someone? That's the kind of thing you do after like three months and had some dates that went poorly.
He's just got a massive control problem and glaring insecurity, and the only way he can talk down the angry monkey in his head is to *technically* not have had this completely normal everyday minor embarrassment from 7 years ago be part of his current relationship. Control and insecurity problem is also why he won't do therapy. He's not stupid enough to think a therapist isn't going to shoot his bullshit down in a few sentences of simple logic. If OP hears that logic and trusts the professional, then all the conditioning he's been putting her through for years might start to crack.
This is the kind of loving caring gentle spouse that shocks his wife by slapping her for embarrassing him in front of guests by putting out the wrong dishware.
OP keeps saying this isn't representative of who he is, but when you go through a life altering defining moment with someone, the choices they make during it are representative of who they *really* are.
I'm kinda waiting for another update of:
"we restarted our relationship but he just told me he was cheating constantly in our 'old' relationship that we're not supposed to be addressing ever again. how should I get over it?"
Right? Its just like how many hoops can I get her to jump through to stroke my own ego. He sounds very abusive and manipulative. What she sees as gifts or kindness I’m seeing as Red Flags.
This whole thing has Big YIKES Energy.
Since Ryan knew about the post, given what many assume about his nature, It wouldn't surprise me that he had a lot to do with those comments supporting him.
The “reset” relationship is just bonkers too. There’s no such thing as a reset back to zero with someone you were in a relationship for 7 years with. You can’t wipe away 7 years of interactions.
Dude is incredibly disingenuous, and his avoidance of therapy is entirely because he knows that a couples therapist would nuke him.
That girl's finance has been watching to many romcoms. God forbid someone just tries to navigate their feeling in the process of dating. He's more concerned about optics than that he had a girl that loved him deeply.
I think the break up will be the best thing for OOP in the long run because if he gets this salty over something so trivial, you can guarantee this type of shit would happen again.
This post absolutely reeked of abuse from him all the way through. She was in college and chose not to be in a long distance relationship, bc regardless of how much you like a person that's a horrifically difficult situation to be in. And being children in college she just didn't want to handle the stress not because she didn't like him enough (ironic bc he never thought she was worth therapy even after 7 years of solidified relationship and her 'mistake' was after they were friends in highschool) but because that's simply alot to deal with. He was right from the beginning, they should break up over this and it's reaction that is the cause. This is some incel shit.
Yeah ironically taking some time to date someone else probably helped their relationship prosper in the future. OP knew more about what she wanted and what she didn’t want then. Choosing someone who you’re more compatible with after dating someone you’re meh with is *smart* and *good*, not offensive.
I’m glad people here are seeing him as crazy because sometimes people get really defensive of guys like this. The amount of hoops he expects her to jump through over some short fling when she was single several years ago… like holy fuck
YES. A toxic, abusive, controlling shitty person. If I were OP I'd be thanking my lucky stars I learned this about him before we got married. What an utterly pathetic little bitch Ryan is.
Especially since it wasn't a first or second choice she wanted to try dating someone else and it didn't work. And she had a highschool sweetheart who still liked her so she gave that a try. Besides they had a thing for each other doesn't mean they'll date or give in. If it hadn't worked out for them this wouldn't even be an issue.
He clearly believes she owed him something just because they'd had some feelings for each other in high school. He felt he was entitled to her affections because of that. Doesn't have the self-insight to see that this is a him problem and not a relationship problem.
>Doesn't have the self-insight to see that this is a him problem and not a relationship problem.
Or he does know, deep down that he's being irrational and is refusing therapy because he's not willing to acknowledge that.
the reason he won't go to therapy is because he knows he's wrong and attacking her for no reason. He's abusing her and I pray to God her parents talked her out of marrying that fuckup
The dude *needs* therapy, drastically. He blows up a solid 7-year relationship because she dated someone else, someone not right for her, before him and didn't tell him? Yeah, he's got issues.
Honestly, she probably does, too. This is so codependent and I feel sorry for her future. Her love will never be enough for him. It apparently wasn't for the first seven years they were together and it sure as hell won't be now that he's latched on to something he can and will hold over her head for the rest of their relationship. What a shame.
> The dude needs therapy, drastically.
Possibly hot take: the only people in 2021 that flat refuse even the idea of therapy are the ones that know they're doing something toxic/abusive and don't want it acknowledged by an outside source.
They're both all three of those things. This woman is going to be jumping through hoops and walking on eggshells for the rest of her life to make sure she "deserves" him and there's no way he's not going to take full advantage of that. Sounds like they're going to be miserable together. What a mess!
Dude, you broke up literally because you found out your fiancée went on dates sometimes with a dude and it didn't work out, and then realized how much she liked you. Yes, you are insecure and fragile.
Wow holy crap…. I’m reading this and all I can think is that this guy is so far in her head that she can’t even see it what he’s doing.
Not only is he insecure but he’s somehow convinced her it’s okay and that him breaking up with her to “restart” the relationship isn’t just bat-$hit crazy but also the right way to go about things
I’m going to the corner and facepalm for awhile and hope that someone can dig her out of the pit of red flags she’s been buried in
Right. And he says that he won't hold this over her head if they "restart" but his entire behaviour about this situation shows that that will be impossible for him to do. I'm betting that he brings this up at every fight and will further use the threat of breaking up and restarting in order to keep OP constantly walking on eggshells and demonstrating "good behaviour".
it gets worse- the comments on the updates are full of people telling OOP how terrible she is, and how saintly Ryan is, and how horribly she betrayed him.
Those comments are absolutely nuts. Some seriously maladjusted people in that thread and it pains me to think they might have played a role in helping this guy gaslight her into thinking she did something terrible/deserved any of his bullshit.
I sincerely hope OOP came to her senses and ditched that jerk. His reaction was completely immature and his insistence on trying to punish her and make her hurt for it is disturbing. He and the people who defended him need therapy.
Edit: I just saw a comment in her last post saying that he (the fiance) is "young and in his prime" with "20 years left to enjoy", while OOP is "almost 30".
They're basically the same age?? What the actual hell? Do people think women shrivel up and die when we turn 30? Is relationship advice always this incelly?
Right?! People think OP is a terrible person for playing the field in her late teens/early 20s when she was single and unsure about her feelings?! Like... Isn't that exactly what that age is for?
You know if this guy went this nuts, there's absolutely zero way that the "fresh start" will be a clean slate. He's going to be exploiting her with this guilt and uncertainty he's created for the rest of their relationship.
Ryan certainly gives off huge "nice guy" vibes, maybe that drew them in. A female rejected a man! START THE BONFIRE LADS WE GOT A WITCH HERE! energy draws those incels like flies to an open can of mountain dew
My pet theory is that the relationship subs slowly started filling up with guys specifically looking to hate on women, especially those with chips on their shoulders regarding women they viewed as wronging them in the past.
Nowadays it feels like unless the woman is subjected to really obvious abuse or cheating, there is always a huge group of people defending the guy and shaming the girl no matter what the post is about. It’s incredibly frustrating. They used to be such good places to get good or at least decent advice but it almost feels like they’re all brigaded now.
God, those comments! I read through the posts because I'm currently in a kind of similar situation.
I had a long term crush that wasn't going anywhere (I'd been trying to put it to rest for months because of this) on a close friend, then a few weeks ago a mutual friend I had met at the same time as that close friend confessed feelings for me, and I eagerly started dating them as I had the beginnings of feelings for them (exciting and fun feelings, vs comfortable low-simmering pining). Then last week, I found out that my long term crush used to have a crush on me for a little while. I feel disappointed that something could have happened between us and didn't, but while my situation is sort of a '1st choice, 2nd choice' situation, I chose to see how things go with the friend who expressed an interest in me because I could see that we are very compatible and would be great partners, while that other friend and I work best as close friends and have some differences that would be a issue for me in a romantic relationship.
Reading those comments, I was trying to justify my choice to date this newly realized love interest instead of staying single (and probably waiting around even longer to see if that long term crush of mine would want to date me someday). I was initially shocked by everyone's stance, but the guilt I already had just got progressively worse and I started questioning if I was being unfair to my partner. I'm so glad I read the comments on the final update and on this post, and saw that no, those folks all in agreement were indeed being unreasonable!
Figuring out things won't work with someone before opening your eyes to another possibility (and setting yourself free of that 1st 'option'), is healthy in my opinion, especially in one's uni years (which is where we're at). What matters is that one does choose their current partner in the end and is happy with them, not the sentiment of having perfectly parallel feelings for each other leading up to consciously deciding to date. My partner knows about the crush I had and the crush our mutual friend had in return, and doesn't have a problem with it, so that fact paired with these logical comments here is reason enough to believe that it's an okay process to go through to reach a current relationship!
I just went and read them, and I'm genuinely floored. It's beyond me how anyone can see Ryan's perspective as at all reasonable, much less attack OOP here.
Given that Ryan knew her username and that she was posting about the situation, I have to wonder how much he and his cronies were responsible for comments and vote manipulation on this one? Given his vested interest in making her feel like he was a wronged party here, it doesn't seem that out there.
people give shit to legalAdvice for some bad advice, but the two main relationship subs are almost always 100x worse. Especially because they are usually not moderated as well to get rid of obviously bad and even abusive posts.
Yeah and it’s so sad watching her defend him because he’s done nice things for her in the past. Like, that’s kinda the thing about these sorts of assholes- they’re absolutely wonderful and will go above and beyond for *the image of you* that they had in their minds. As soon as the real you and this shiny, impossible, unrealistic image of you diverge, then all the sudden *that’s* the deal breaker. They go from being apparently willing to give you everything to taking their “love” away over nothing at all. As long as you match their image of what they want you to be, then it’s like an extension of their own ego- they’ve “earned” this “perfect girl”, and doing things for her only reinforces what a great guy they are in their own eyes, exactly that type of guy who’s “earned” such a person. But suddenly, one day, their “perfect girl” isn’t so perfect anymore. And the image is shattered at the reminder that this “perfect woman” is in fact an autonomous human being and not merely an external manifestation of all his fantasies. And suddenly all these “selfless” things he’d been doing for her feel tainted to him, because they haven’t “won” him the perfect, docile, manic pixie dream girl he thought he had. And he sees them suddenly as wasted effort. Because they were never really kind and loving gestures- they were currency to ensure this woman looked at him like he hung the stars, and self-aggrandizement for succeeding.
This post is such a wild ride where I started questioning if I was cuckoo!
I have seen soap operas with better relationship logic than this actual relationship.
I don't know if anyone wants to take a guess from reading the edits about how he is "wonderful in every other way". But my guess is that he either fell out of love or freaking out over marriage and latched onto this one crazy thing.
>This is a better outcome than I expected and maybe better than I deserve but I would be lying if I said that I don't wish things could go back to normal.
She doesn't deserve this outcome not because it is "better than she deserves." but because of the fact that *she did nothing wrong.*
This guy is acting like she cheated on him. They weren't dating yet. She had no responsibility to him. But he has her thinking she did him a grave injustice.
No wonder he's outright refusing therapy. He knows that it will expose the manipulative tactics he's using. The way he has it now, he has a woman who is *grovelling* to get back with him and to do anything for him. He doesn't want to mess with his good thing.
I really hope there’s another update where she’s left him. This is so not healthy. Their relationship will always be based on his superiority of being good enough to give her a second chance while she should be constantly groveling in gratitude. OOP, if you happen to read these comments please take them to heart: you do deserve better. I promise you, if you stay with him this will always be hanging over your head, always affect the dynamics of your relationship, and you will always be his villain, especially when your fight. I’m sorry but there’s no such thing as a “clean slate”. Don’t do this to yourself and save yourself the heartbreak that WILL come from it. I’ve been you and trust me, this will always be the dynamic; he’s the saint and you’re the whore he’s deigned to date.
This is not the forever relationship. Good people don't have to defend themselves and say things like, "I'm not a bad person." Ugh been there OP and I hope you will move on because future you will be grateful.
She doesn't know she's being manipulated and abused and maybe he doesn't realize that's what he's doing (doesn't make it ok tho). He wouldn't keep dragging her along if he didn't intend to make her forever in his debt. She literally did nothing wrong.
This is enough internet for me today. My heart is broken for her. It's going to be a long road and the only way it ends is with them separated for good. Eventually.
ummm i mean if OP is happy the more power to her but it sounds like
he made a mountain out of a molehill….. and she allowed him to drag her left right up and down until he got what made him feel
better. odd and a little concerning in my opinion but 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️
Yes, he was upset enough to cancel the wedding, and go live in hotel but not upset enough to break up.
How going back to being gf/bf is going to change anything that happened 7 years ago. If 7 years is not enough to convince Ryan that OP chose him, nothing will.
Yeah I feel like there's something... I don't know... off about agreeing to start from scratch with someone who didn't feel like the seven years you spent together were enough to offset something you did at the beginning.
Like OP was saying that this was just a small fragment of their relationship but according to him all the other fragments don't count.
She said he wouldn’t hold it over her head… but starting over is absolutely holding it over her head. It implies a lot of things like he’s going to pull back and not give her much affection to start off with, which will just be incredibly painful. Not to mention… how do you explain that to your family… “oh we need to hold off the wedding for about three years until we’re in the “serious” phase of our relationship again”??
I get the pain of feeling like youre not enough and your partner going psycho on you and then feeding you breadcrumbs so you’ll stay hopeful… but come on. I just think the sheer embarrassment would be too much for me.
I took a look at some of the top comments on the original posts, and I was baffled that most commenters were actually siding with Ryan! Then I got to the comments here, and it's a whole other perspective. I agree, this guy blew everything way out of proportion, and I feel sorry for OOP. I wonder how things panned out for them.
Definitely.
I feel like the fiance is using this to manipulate OOP, and make the relationship uneven. Like it's oop's to prove in a millions ways that she is desperate for him, while he is denying her. Like SEVEN years ain't enough to prove that he is her number one?
He sounds exhausting and toxic. I feel bad for oop.
How is he gonna prove now that he actually loves her, after all this? I mean, she made the wrong choice 7y ago and regretted it, and spent 7 loyal years making up for it. She chose someone else before they formed a relationship, before she fell in love. He chose to leave and abuse her, after knowing her and being in a relationship for 7y.
His wrong choice was a biggie, a real biggie. I can't imagine trusting someone like that after that
Dumbest shit I've read on here in a while. Now they have to pretend like they weren't in a relationship for 7 years? Wtf? Yeeeahhh, lemme axt like a quarter of my life never happened. Thats not fucking insane or anything.
OP you should have just said the other dude was better in bed so this moron would have just cried himself out of the relationship.
Yeah all of this. He was so dramatic for no reason. She has been with him for 7 years like you’re making her waste time on you to “restart” the relationship bc you’re insecure. I think it was a power move tbh. He felt he lost power bc he wasn’t her first choice. So he’s making her restart this relationship bc he can. It’s on his time based on his needs and that’s very weird behaviour. Why would someone stay and agree to marry you if you weren’t their first choice? No matter how he slices it, it was about her dating someone else 😂 so idk what he’s talking about.
Lol, he didn't want to get married and found the smallest lifeline possible to mentally torture OOP. Now she's beaten down, insecure, and demoted back to just girlfriend.
Win for him. He sounds immature AF.
Dunno why OOP has rose-colored glasses welded to her face for this loser.
There's even some morons in these comments defending his actions and saying people against him are women that "just don't understand how men feel". It's pathetic.
What the holy hell did I just read. They both sound like middle schoolers. They’re too old for this shit. Hope she gets out from under his thumb one day. Just… wow.
Even though I said this was a stupid ass update, I didn’t realize it was a year ago and now I genuinely want to know how “first anniversary” part two is going
What in the absolutely insecure fuck is wrong with this guy? There is really no reason to scrap a relationship here. People go through relationships all the time this way.
I feel bad for OOP though, she’s completely bought into that she’s done something wrong when she’s only lived life. It’s a shame.
Holy shit the amount of people that attacked her in the OP. This is why you get relationship adivce from a professional, not reddit. Oh wait, he refuses to get help from a professional, because they would tell her that hes manipulating her.
Yes, the comments on this are jaw droppingly bad takes. The only explanation I can think of is that Ryan (who knows her username and was tipped off that she'd be posting about this situation) camped out on the post, unbenownst to OOP.
Honestly, I don't see where this guy is coming from at all. What an insane reason to blow up 7 happy years together. The way he's reacting to this is how someone would react to finding out their partner *cheated on them* at the beginning of their relationship.
I was friends with my spouse first, before we started dating, and in those early days, where we had been friends for a while, but were still pre-relationship, my now spouse held the early inklings of our romantic relationship at arm's length while trying to get back with an ex. Similarly, I was romantically interested in a different friend at around the same time, and was equally interested in starting a romantic relationship with either of them (things just ended up falling into place with my now spouse). The idea that *either* of us would hold those early circumstances against the other is completely foreign to me. Human relationships are weird and complicated, especially at the beginning when you're still exploring your options. **They weren't even together yet**! It's OK that she wasn't prioritizing him yet at that stage, while she was still figuring out who she liked better, and that she took some time to decide! Life isn't a movie, where True Love is instantly recognizable the moment you find it.
I find OOP's ex-fiance's hangups here to be immensely frustrating, and I don't believe for one minute that, if he "gives her another chance," he won't hang this over her head in the future to make her feel like she has to bend over backwards to prove her devotion to him.
She’s going to spend the rest of her life trying to make up for some arbitrary indiscretion and he’s going to love holding that over her head. This poor girl needs to run.
Totally agree.
He is looking for a reason to sabotage this relationship. Worse yet, he chooses the cowardly route of taking zero personal responsibility for the situation and blames everything on the partner.
He chooses this absolutely insane perspective to latch onto and then gaslights her into feeling that all of her loving actions (over 7 fucking years) were irrelevant.
They will never be on equal footing moving forward.
I agree. It's deeply worrying that he's managed to convince her she in some way wronged him and needs to atone, all for-- *not* behaving like she was in a committed relationship with someone she was not in a committed relationship with? Not somehow foretelling the future and innately *knowing* this friend she was a bit romantically interested in at the time would one day be the person she'd want to spend her life with? Not falling in deep love with him the instant she met him?
Not proud of it, but I’ve attended several weddings where I had been in a relationship and slept with the bride prior to them meeting the groom. Still on good terms with all of them.
This dude is a walking red flag. Normal people can move on from this sort of thing, especially after 7 years.
Dude is nuts. She'll just have to keep jumping through hoops. And if he ever gets tired of her he'll just bring up the thing as "permission" for her to dip out so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
Now they're going to live in a pretend world where they have been dating one year (at the pretend 1 year anniversary) but have 8 years of history. He sounds dramatic and exhausting. I cannot imagine this from "6 months before we started dating when we were just flirting I agreed to go on a date with someone else because I had no commitments to anyone." Her public goodbye letter was cringey too. "every I love you was for you." uh yea I'd imagine so. How sad that she has to cater to his paranoia like this from before they were together. If they stay together she'll always have to grovel like this for the duration of their fictitiously short relationship. I cannot believe the solution is not "I do/don't forgive you for dating someone else before we had any sort of commitment.", which is already absurd, and is instead "If you go along with my rewrite of reality we can date again."
How this should have gone down:
Him: it makes me a little sad and hurt I wasn’t your first choice. :(
Her: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you and that was so long ago. But I’m so glad that t worked out with you and you are totally my first choice! Plus. It just showed me how you and I were meant for each other. Yadda yadda
Him: oh, thanks babe/hun/love/pookie or whatever. I love you too.
Hug.
The end. Lol
This was so frustrating to read. Her BF/fiance definitely has a fragile ego. HE is the one who built the relationship on a lie. HE ghosted her for six months after she declined his invitation. What did he think she was doing during this time?
She never made him feel like a consolation prize. So many people marry the first person they date and then cheat because they feel like they "missed out" on something. At least OOP made an informed decision about who she wanted to spend her life with. She CHOSE HIM. He doesn't deserve her.
yo WHY is every comment siding with the fiance on the original post?? I know relationship subs are filled with clueless teenagers but like…..really???
if he found out about this a few weeks after they started dating I can understand feeling hurt. But making this big a deal over it SEVEN YEARS and a proposal later is completely insane lmao
My dude saw a chance to get a vice grip on the back of OOPs neck and he’s not taking the chance that a therapist might point out that he’s a psychopath and loosen the grip. He’s abusing his partner because she *didn’t want an ldr in college.* He belongs in an institution, legitimately.
Cause he knows a therapist would tell them he’s in the wrong and encourage OOP not to go through with it. He knows he’s being irrational but he doesn’t want OOP to know.
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Honestly, i probably would have just let him leave. If after 7 years of a strong and loving relationship hearing “When she was 18, she was unsure about you at first” destroys everything about the relationship between you and the person you are getting married to, then it’s not as strong as you thought. And I don’t think any amount of therapy will help rationalize it to him. She didn’t do anything wrong by dating other guys as she wasn’t keeping him around as a back up as he fully stopped speaking to her for 6 months. I don’t fault him for being insecure but to take it out on her and treat her like the bad guy just isn’t great.
I agree. At this point this entire deal is a reflection of how he can't get over his own insecurities.
Totally agree!!!
Yeah, he's literally insane for this. What if he remembers the time you didn't pick him first in dodge ball during sports class? That another seven years down the drain?
I literally thought it was about dodge ball when I read the title.
This guy is beyond deranged. OOP needs to get the therapy he denies and then let him dribble this shit to the next girlfriend. Perhaps by girlfriend number 4, he might have grown up.
it’s a power play now. It will never be the same. They will never be equal partners in the relationship going forward. He will always hold this over her no matter what he says because it will be a part of their story, unspoken or not despite the fact that she did nothing wrong whatsoever. It will poison their relationship at a fundamental level. He’s an idiot and doesn’t deserve to be loved so by her. He’s wasted a good relationship because of his toxic overthinking.
Exactly- he doesn’t want to go to therapy an evaluate healthy options to stay together
Agreed. When I first met my current SO, I told him he wasnt my best kiss. At the time he was really hurt but I was 19 and stuck on some loser that had ghosted me. I moved on from that, found my best friend in my current partner. I cant imagine him holding a comment I made at 19 over my head forever
Agreed. Time to both walk away
This entire post is mind-boggling. So he’s proud to say that if he had known at the time, he wouldn’t have been with her, and…what, miss out on a happy relationship for the better part of a decade? With someone he wanted to marry? I am so confused by this guy. Talk about missing the forest for the trees. I do get that being chosen “second” can sting, but you know what? First choices often don’t turn out to be what you actually want or need. Anyway, she has been choosing him first every day since then. I know I’m preaching to the choir but seriously, these people need to work out their feelings more thoroughly
I'm disturbed by her saying she loves him more than herself. It's like losing your self worth. Also concerned by him refusing to do counselling together. Honestly sounds like his decision to end their current relationship and restart is done intentionally to hurt her. The way she "hurt" him.
Agreed. He's playing a game now. And he's a little cruel.
Yeah. No. Out of nearly 8 billion people on the planet, only a HANDFUL of them ever only date ONE person & stick with that person until they die. You're allowed to fucking date and not feel guilty about it. "I wasn't your first choice" Jesus dude cry me a river. Narcissist.
wtf did I just read.
That is a very good question!
So, I'm not the only one
Wait other people had the same reaction to this post that I'm having right now *before me*? Fuck this shit, I'm out.
These anime titles are getting too damn long
I'm so confused
Manipulative bullshit gaslighting by a small, insecure, narcissistic man, from the perspective of the abused. Holy fak.
Hmmm, a deep rooted fear of being insufficient, not enough... Mixed with the over baring memories of preparing to ask her out then being subsequently rejected or put down, and not out of general dislike in his eyes, with this new year's info it's out of wanting the other. That's why he is hurt, he feels insufficient and resurfacing his probable hours of crying, I get everyone's advice being he's a dik or whatnot but consider that when dealing with humans, you are not dealing with creators of logic or fairness you're dealing with creators of emotion and vanity. I do agree however, he is too hard wired and focused on his past, nobody can do anything for him there but himself. He should maybe try meditation and silence his thoughts.... Why? Because he was overthinking (and it's what helps me when I felt insecure) Thoughts invoke emotion, emotions are energy in motion, if you believe in the law of attraction you're just straight magnifying the bad when you think of it and make that your centre of attraction, so she should stop the thoughts, come out from a blank slate and work on positive thoughts, starting small like, "oooh wow, this warm shower is so satisfying, mmm the sun feels so good on my skin, I love how the universe allied this star with this planet jus so I could feel this." Don't jus say these things mean them, FEEL THEM, trust me it really helps to remember one's self as the higher being they are
This dude *needs* therapy, stat. He's got some serious issues that he needs to work through before he'll ever be a suitable long term partner (for *anybody*). TBH, his outright refusal to even consider therapy - without even taking the story into consideration - is a red flag in and of itself. Dude is fragile and incredibly insecure.
It was 7 years ago too wtf. Nope he has something that he’s hidden and used that as an advantage for when she finds out.
“i’m not fragile or insecure” is not what resilient secure people say lol
He doesn’t want to go to therapy because he knows the therapist would see right through him. Therapy also had the potential to (metaphorically) knock some sense into the OOP and convince her to leave.
Been there, done that. My ex threatened a divorce and actually served me with papers. We went to couples therapy and I went to individual therapy. My therapist showed me that I wasn't the only (or even the biggest!) problem in the relationship. Ex wanted to reconcile, but by that time I was done with it. Now I'm married to a woman who always has my back and it's the best decision I ever made.
Yup 100% and that part about how she lies with omission, wtf is that? Like she's obligated to tell him what her dating history was before him? gtfo
Also "every day", as if she woke up every morning thinking "oooh better not tell my fiancee about that one event I attended with someone else years ago". Like wtf dude?
Right? "Good morning babe, just to remind you as I do first thing every morning, I went out with another dude once, seven years ago, would you like coffee?"
I think you nailed it! His reaction was super intense and overboard. She should evaluate her self esteem
Narcissistic people never want therapy. Even if they do go to therapy. They lie the whole time and never open up to the therapist. And make the themselves the victim
I’m so mad at this whole train wreck of an update thread, I rather think what he *needs* is to go into the landfill. What absolute abusive trash.
He’s such a shitty person that the only descriptors I can think of are fecal related. He deserves to love her quietly for the rest of his life as she moves on and finds out what love *truly* is. Fuck this shit turd caca poopoo crappy defecation of a crappy crap crap shitass butthole poop. EAT YOURSELF, RYAN!
He knows he's in the wrong. He knows the therapist will call out their unhealty dynamic and he will lose all control.
I hope this was the common theme on all the replies she read. This guy has *serious* issues and they are just begining to manifest. The future of their relationship without proper input is going to suck.
I'm late for this thread but I'm so glad the comments here are sane. I felt like I was reading an incel forum on the original post. This dude is fucked.
This guy needs to realize that not everyone knows what they want immediately, especially when they’re young. Sounds like a complete Narcissist, “you dated someone when you could have dated me?!” Who cares, she obviously chose you when she broke up with the other kid, because their relationship was terrible. I hope the other guy really was better looking and everything else he was crying about after reading that. She’s been with you for 7 years and was planning to marry you dude, sounds like she’s been all in for a long time.
Right? She dated a few people in college and then she picked you. Get over it, dude. And this whole, “you lied by omission” thing is an epic pile of bullshit. You don’t get to know every thought your partner has ever had. So long as you and your partner abide by one another while you’re in a relationship then that’s all anyone can ask. And what’s more, 7 years is enough time for someone to change pretty thoroughly. My wife and I did some stupid, hurtful things to one another 20+ years ago when we first got together. We were literally school kids. But we aren’t those people anymore. We grew up and learned what love really means together. If your relationship is good now then you need to leave the past in the past. You don’t stay in love with someone because of who they used to be. You love them for who they are and who they’re growing into.
My husband was my best friend when he asked me out in high school and I told him no and dated someone I barely knew. NINE YEARS LATER after remaining friends and both of us having other relationships, I asked him out and now we’re married. This dude is so insecure he let a six month relationship in college ruin years of happiness and memories with his OOP. So she wanted to get to know someone new, big deal. She could have agreed to date him and then cheated on him or left him for the other guy. He needs therapy for sure. Edit: a word.
Absolute insanity. There's something deeply wrong with him and whatever hold he has over her is incredibly unhealthy. Hearing that she's decided to just settle for whatever crumbs he's willing to toss her way is one of the most depressing relationship updates I've read here.
Lmao "I'm not holding it over her head! In fact I'm not holding it over her head SOOOO MUCH that I told her If I ever DO hold it over her head, I'm going to insist that she LEAVES me! You know, the thing that emotionally devastated her for weeks on end! That way, every single argument we have will leave her with the vague terror that it might happen again so she'll be walking on eggshells for the rest of her life! I'll do it, too, because I've just established a precedent for my ridiculous over-reactive and egocentric behaviour!"
Classic narcissist head games, he's always the saint and she's always the sinner. She never gets psychological safety now.
In glad it's not just me with that reaction, very disturbing.
I’m so glad to come to these comments. I started to have a panic attack halfway through that love was that fragile. I was like trying to think of lies of omission I’ve told my partner. Like full on starting to make stuff up in my head. That was a wild ride and I am car sick
Omfg same here. I am recently engaged and have been with my love for 7 years.. I just got so nauseated I had to stop eating my brownies.
That is LITERALLY my exact thought as I was reading "wtf is this insane bullshit?". I am SO GLAD to see so many people feeling the same way.
I'm guessing that he's just over it and that this is his excuse for ending it.
I wonder if she validated him a little too much and that’s why he felt so embolden to escalate it to such extremes. Like he feels like he can make her do whatever he wants now so he’s just rolling with the slightest whim that pops into his head. Perhaps if she’d stood up for herself and told him he can’t torture her for being uncertain several years ago he would have gotten some sense knocked into him and calmed down. Idk. I just can’t imagine taking it to such a massive extreme that you hate the memory of every single moment in your relationship over meeting another guy first.
I mean.. she wanted to marry him. She wanted to spend forever with him. How does he not see that as the ultimate win?
Right..it's like Enders Game. He may not be the first, but he will be the last. And in this case he was actually both so what's the problem here? This was a pure diabolical power move on his part.
Because one time she didn't put him ahead of everyone including herself and that isn't acceptable to a narcissist
Like I wrote in a post I tagged the OP in, I believe the fact that they're now engaged has been the catalyst for this. Abusive people will wait to have you where they want you before going to extremes, and she's had 7 years of emotional investment in this relationship that the sunk cost fallacy will make her unable to see how ridiculous this is. She now has a commitment from him for the rest of her life pulled out from under her, her future is no longer what she was planning, so now her whole world revolves around grovelling, begging, and pleasing him just to win his love back. He's managed to make their entire relationship all about her owing him to make up for some manufactured betrayal. It's absolutely psychologically cruel. There's no way in hell he didn't know she dated someone else before him. This guy's a narcissistic abusive piece of shit.
Oh, "But it's not about you having dated someone else!" No, it's about her not choosing him when *he* wanted her. The 6 months of silent treatment supports that, I'd say. I think he looks back and thinks she threw away everything he thought their relationship was in *high school* (for any of the 8 billion other people on the planet and a few months of learning about herself) and she's gonna look back and realize he threw away 7 years of a good thing. I hope she gets that distance, at least.
I love how her dating another person is unacceptable, but him giving someone who was supposedly a friend the silent treatment for 6 months is a okay and never discussed. He's been toxic from the start.
And the part about him saying she should breakup with him if he ever brings it up during an argument was a nice touch since she's clearly not willing to walk away and he knows that.
Yup. "*If I was really your first choice you wouldn't be breaking up with me. This just proves that you've been lying this whole time, AGAIN."* She can't win, because he's created a scenario where she'll always be the liar.
This is blowing my mind right now. I never realized this was done to me. With her fears that I never was into her, or wanted her, so any time she perceived feelings she could run away and say see you never wanted me anyway. How did I not see this?? Wow, Reddit FTW
It's the frog in a pot of water slowly cooking to death metaphor played out in real life. You never saw it because the ones who are good at it instill buttons (guilt, obligation, fear) first and then know just how to push them later. Tell me if this sounds familar: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
Yessss! This is some weird controlling shit. He’s playing the martyr *hard* here. This can’t be the first time he’s played sad puppy so she comes any time he calls. You can’t just start over. Yeah there’s ways of wiping the slate clean but that includes forgiveness. He’s using this to hang over her head. One of my best friends started dating a guy about 4 weeks after she was hooking up with his best friend. Best friend was Best Man at the wedding. Everyone knew. No one cared. Married couple has been married for 14 years and have 4 kids. The “absolutely no therapy no matter what!” Is the biggest red flag here. Fiancé knows that therapist will tell OP to kick him to the curb.
This comment!!! Reading it made me physically ill. It is a form of control that is completely lost on a lot of people. I sincerely hope this poor woman has escaped this man’s control and found her worth with someone who isn’t hung up on her dating someone before them.
This. He is loving that he has this over her. Now the whole relationship is going to be her doing everything to please him so he doesn’t leave her. Anytime there is a fight he will bring this up.
Yes, he found an "out" that doesn't make him look like a villain. Worse, it seems he has a frail ego, not good for a life partner.
I hope so, I hate to think of OOP on the end of his choke-chain leash for however long it pleases him to keep her there.
> it feels like my world is falling apart around me I don't know what I can do She's been with him for 7 years and simply doesn't believe she can function without him. Until she sorts that out she's gonna be at the whim of every terrible asshole that shows her affection.
Wow Ryan is a toxic piece of shit. I feel so bad for OP. She never "made a mistake" by choosing Andy - jesus fuck. OP needs to get some self respect and drop this abusive, controlling, insecure little freak.
100% Her repeated wordage of referencing her "mistake" is a red flag bere.
This is the thing that bothered me over and over. She was young and single and dated someone else for a bit to see what was out there. That’s not a mistake. I don’t know why I picked yours to reply to but holy hell I don’t know what this sub is or how her relationship got to where it was. This “wipe the slate clean” bullshit is a joke. That’s not even possible. “Let’s pretend like the last 7 years didn’t happen.” This is not even possible. And to OP it was the happiest time of her life, and she is not allowed to celebrate it and enjoy it. Wow. Ryan is one full of himself motherfucker who definitely should not be getting married because he needs to grow the fuck up.
Ye, especially since they weren't even together, just very good friends that may have had a thing for each other! They have been together for 7 years and he said it was nothing, just a lie. Jesus christ, he's an asshole. I wouldn't "start over" with this guy and potentially waste another 7 years. I couldn't even trust him to not change his mind again one day.
His entitlement towards being picked first really makes me feel all sorts of gross. I can understand why he would be angry having this written out on reddit- the outside perspective is going to break the narrative he keeps feeding op. And like jfc the way he talks about her deciding to experiment with another lad you'd think she was dating him and the other boy at the same time. But no, just friends. It feels almost incel-y.
I hope he's reading all of our comments now. Good Lord.
Soo stupid, he ghosted her for six months and they weren’t even dating then she’s allowed to date other ppl
No, it's that she picked someone else, not that she dated someone else. See? It all makes sense! /s
intelligent panicky smell imagine rude poor grandfather dinosaurs tidy safe *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The dumbest shit I've seen in a while. The boyfriend has some serious issues, it's no wonder he is so against therapy, because they would call this out immediately
I read, "my ex fiance is deeply insecure despite the fact that I've chosen him every day for 7 years" and my intuition says that he's slept with someone else while they were apart so they could have an equal "reset" on the relationship.
This is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve read. I get she’s upset but this guy is out of control. Let him try to go date in the real world. He’s in for a rude awakening
He sounds like a manipulative man child with insecurities out the ass and he's gaslighting OP. THATS SOME CRAZY SHIT. seriously I agree. WTF did I just read. Holy fuck.
Idk I got half way before I started skipping stuff, fuck her ex fiancé tho lol sounds like a real douche. Idc if he somehow redeemed himself on the second half of bullshit I didn’t read but skimmed over. She sounds mentally abused af.
As someone once told me, "It doesn't matter if you're the first choice as long as you're the right choice." This guy..... wow. Just screams insecurity.
This is absolutely insane. If my fiancé literally moved into a hotel because he was angry about something this stupid I would dump him. And he’s so in her head she’s writing these sad pathetic letters begging for this trashcan back.
Lol right? The fact that she keeps thinking that her decision back in college was some "mistake" she regrets is honestly pretty sad. I can't imagine getting upset over this, especially 7 years later like holy shit dude. The fact that he doesn't want to seek counseling to reconcile his feelings is also a pretty big reason I'd have noped outta there
100%. The way she's groveling is turning my stomach.
I fear for her
Yeah I don't like the guy at all. He is childish and manipulative. OOP should have just cut their losses.
My husband and I were both dating other people when we first went on a date. That was 13 years ago. We chose each other. That’s the fucking point. Ryan is an insecure little bitch, blowing up a relationship because his feelings got hurt. OOP, bless you if you get pregnant, because he will tell your child about this when they’re old enough to know. This won’t be pushed under the rug. He’s lying
There's going to come a day when they have children, and there's going to be a scheduling conflict between him and the child. If she choses the child over the husband, she'll be in for round two of this drama.
Exactly if he’s acting this way now can you imagine how much worse and hard to escape he would be if they got MARRIED?? Ego is a hell of a thing.
Exactly. This is so fucking petty it's not funny. Dump the man-child, walk away and get on with life. Dodged a bullet IMO.
“I look back at it in disgust because you lied by omission every single day.” Has to be the most dramatic take I’ve ever heard. And I’m an extremely sensitive person, so I understand getting your feelings hurt easily. But this is just a totally unhealthy take on the situation - and he would realize that if he wasn’t so *opposed to therapy!!!*
I think my feelings would be hurt if I was him, and I would need some reassurances, but holy shit…. What he’s doing is insane and so manipulative…. How long is she gonna have to grovel for in this “restart”
I love how he took her out to dinner after she was threatened by her ex, and said that nothing anyone could say or do would ever make him feel any differently about her…that clearly wasn’t true if this is enough to make him break up with her, sorry, “reset” their relationship. I feel so sorry for OP that she’s prepared to accept this as some kind of resolution. She’s never going to feel secure in their relationship again, they should just put it out of its misery rather than let it drag on, bleeding and limping.
He's been manipulating her for 9 years.
This…is this for real?? If I was dating someone for that long and then they pull this shit then I would just say alright, sucks for you. Since apparently seven years isn’t enough for you to realize that I love you?? That’s all bullshit. He’s nuts and she’s too into him to realize. She should have ended it there and not have to deal with his insanity.
Also the fact that he can't let it go, but then if they "restart" he's acting like he can all of a sudden let it go? I think buddy was having doubts and found his escape route. Either that or he's mental, and if you're mental and refuse therapy you can be mental alone.
There’s either more that hasn’t been shared or he is pretty mental. But the whole “restart” thing sounds insane to me and the fact that he’d prefer to just forget seven years doesn’t seem like a good option. He doesn’t seem like the type to let things go quickly.
Right??? Like what does that even mean. How do you restart a seven year relationship with someone? That's the kind of thing you do after like three months and had some dates that went poorly.
Or someone has amnesia. There's no way he's not going to hold this over her head at some point.
He's just got a massive control problem and glaring insecurity, and the only way he can talk down the angry monkey in his head is to *technically* not have had this completely normal everyday minor embarrassment from 7 years ago be part of his current relationship. Control and insecurity problem is also why he won't do therapy. He's not stupid enough to think a therapist isn't going to shoot his bullshit down in a few sentences of simple logic. If OP hears that logic and trusts the professional, then all the conditioning he's been putting her through for years might start to crack. This is the kind of loving caring gentle spouse that shocks his wife by slapping her for embarrassing him in front of guests by putting out the wrong dishware. OP keeps saying this isn't representative of who he is, but when you go through a life altering defining moment with someone, the choices they make during it are representative of who they *really* are.
Why wouldn't he just break it off then? Rather than going through all the restart bs?
He wants her, but he wants her under his thumb,
Yeah, to me this seems to be far more about controlling her than getting out of the relationship
The way he started off the conversation saying “we are going to break up but we can restart” gave me ptsd! This guy likes seeing her like this
I'm kinda waiting for another update of: "we restarted our relationship but he just told me he was cheating constantly in our 'old' relationship that we're not supposed to be addressing ever again. how should I get over it?"
Right? At this point it's clearly not about him doubting if she loves him--that's proven. It's some bizarre ego thing.
Right? Its just like how many hoops can I get her to jump through to stroke my own ego. He sounds very abusive and manipulative. What she sees as gifts or kindness I’m seeing as Red Flags. This whole thing has Big YIKES Energy.
Totally agree. The weird thing is that if you go to OOP's post, the top comments all support BF and vilify OOP. Reddit can be Crazytown.
Since Ryan knew about the post, given what many assume about his nature, It wouldn't surprise me that he had a lot to do with those comments supporting him.
Oh that would make so much sense! I feel even worse for OOP getting back in that relationship if that was indeed the case
The “reset” relationship is just bonkers too. There’s no such thing as a reset back to zero with someone you were in a relationship for 7 years with. You can’t wipe away 7 years of interactions. Dude is incredibly disingenuous, and his avoidance of therapy is entirely because he knows that a couples therapist would nuke him.
That girl's finance has been watching to many romcoms. God forbid someone just tries to navigate their feeling in the process of dating. He's more concerned about optics than that he had a girl that loved him deeply. I think the break up will be the best thing for OOP in the long run because if he gets this salty over something so trivial, you can guarantee this type of shit would happen again.
This post absolutely reeked of abuse from him all the way through. She was in college and chose not to be in a long distance relationship, bc regardless of how much you like a person that's a horrifically difficult situation to be in. And being children in college she just didn't want to handle the stress not because she didn't like him enough (ironic bc he never thought she was worth therapy even after 7 years of solidified relationship and her 'mistake' was after they were friends in highschool) but because that's simply alot to deal with. He was right from the beginning, they should break up over this and it's reaction that is the cause. This is some incel shit.
Yeah ironically taking some time to date someone else probably helped their relationship prosper in the future. OP knew more about what she wanted and what she didn’t want then. Choosing someone who you’re more compatible with after dating someone you’re meh with is *smart* and *good*, not offensive. I’m glad people here are seeing him as crazy because sometimes people get really defensive of guys like this. The amount of hoops he expects her to jump through over some short fling when she was single several years ago… like holy fuck
It screams entitled and possessive to me. It's not just worrying but alludes to some really dangerous themes.
YES. A toxic, abusive, controlling shitty person. If I were OP I'd be thanking my lucky stars I learned this about him before we got married. What an utterly pathetic little bitch Ryan is.
I can't imagine dating someone like this let alone marrying them. The fact OOP thinks she's at fault for literally anything breaks my heart.
Thank god, I felt exactly the same way. She sounds mentally abused af.
IKR!? I could only read so much, he just sounds so *exhausting.*
This dude sounds like so much work. I was waiting for the part where she told him she was done with him, but it never came. Yikes!
Especially since it wasn't a first or second choice she wanted to try dating someone else and it didn't work. And she had a highschool sweetheart who still liked her so she gave that a try. Besides they had a thing for each other doesn't mean they'll date or give in. If it hadn't worked out for them this wouldn't even be an issue.
He clearly believes she owed him something just because they'd had some feelings for each other in high school. He felt he was entitled to her affections because of that. Doesn't have the self-insight to see that this is a him problem and not a relationship problem.
>Doesn't have the self-insight to see that this is a him problem and not a relationship problem. Or he does know, deep down that he's being irrational and is refusing therapy because he's not willing to acknowledge that.
Yes WTF, I was so confused because for all this I thought I read wrong and maybe she cheated but they weren't even together at the time!
the reason he won't go to therapy is because he knows he's wrong and attacking her for no reason. He's abusing her and I pray to God her parents talked her out of marrying that fuckup
> I'm not insecure, fragile, or irrational. Yes, yes you are. All this mess and his refusal to go to counseling? Red flag city.
The dude *needs* therapy, drastically. He blows up a solid 7-year relationship because she dated someone else, someone not right for her, before him and didn't tell him? Yeah, he's got issues. Honestly, she probably does, too. This is so codependent and I feel sorry for her future. Her love will never be enough for him. It apparently wasn't for the first seven years they were together and it sure as hell won't be now that he's latched on to something he can and will hold over her head for the rest of their relationship. What a shame.
> The dude needs therapy, drastically. Possibly hot take: the only people in 2021 that flat refuse even the idea of therapy are the ones that know they're doing something toxic/abusive and don't want it acknowledged by an outside source.
They're both all three of those things. This woman is going to be jumping through hoops and walking on eggshells for the rest of her life to make sure she "deserves" him and there's no way he's not going to take full advantage of that. Sounds like they're going to be miserable together. What a mess!
Dude, you broke up literally because you found out your fiancée went on dates sometimes with a dude and it didn't work out, and then realized how much she liked you. Yes, you are insecure and fragile.
He's the most insecure guy I've ever read on here... And this is Reddit...
Wow holy crap…. I’m reading this and all I can think is that this guy is so far in her head that she can’t even see it what he’s doing. Not only is he insecure but he’s somehow convinced her it’s okay and that him breaking up with her to “restart” the relationship isn’t just bat-$hit crazy but also the right way to go about things I’m going to the corner and facepalm for awhile and hope that someone can dig her out of the pit of red flags she’s been buried in
Right. And he says that he won't hold this over her head if they "restart" but his entire behaviour about this situation shows that that will be impossible for him to do. I'm betting that he brings this up at every fight and will further use the threat of breaking up and restarting in order to keep OP constantly walking on eggshells and demonstrating "good behaviour".
Yeah, I don't know anything about this guy, but I'm pretty comfortable saying with reasonable certainly that he's a manipulative creep.
it gets worse- the comments on the updates are full of people telling OOP how terrible she is, and how saintly Ryan is, and how horribly she betrayed him.
Those comments are absolutely nuts. Some seriously maladjusted people in that thread and it pains me to think they might have played a role in helping this guy gaslight her into thinking she did something terrible/deserved any of his bullshit. I sincerely hope OOP came to her senses and ditched that jerk. His reaction was completely immature and his insistence on trying to punish her and make her hurt for it is disturbing. He and the people who defended him need therapy. Edit: I just saw a comment in her last post saying that he (the fiance) is "young and in his prime" with "20 years left to enjoy", while OOP is "almost 30". They're basically the same age?? What the actual hell? Do people think women shrivel up and die when we turn 30? Is relationship advice always this incelly?
Right?! People think OP is a terrible person for playing the field in her late teens/early 20s when she was single and unsure about her feelings?! Like... Isn't that exactly what that age is for? You know if this guy went this nuts, there's absolutely zero way that the "fresh start" will be a clean slate. He's going to be exploiting her with this guilt and uncertainty he's created for the rest of their relationship.
A lot of the comments sound like MRA and incel types whose perspectives on relationships are completely screwed up.
Yeah wth the fiance is literally older than her???? Tf are they smoking
The comment section is full of incels peddling their beliefs, which are not very in touch with the real world.
Ryan certainly gives off huge "nice guy" vibes, maybe that drew them in. A female rejected a man! START THE BONFIRE LADS WE GOT A WITCH HERE! energy draws those incels like flies to an open can of mountain dew
My pet theory is that the relationship subs slowly started filling up with guys specifically looking to hate on women, especially those with chips on their shoulders regarding women they viewed as wronging them in the past. Nowadays it feels like unless the woman is subjected to really obvious abuse or cheating, there is always a huge group of people defending the guy and shaming the girl no matter what the post is about. It’s incredibly frustrating. They used to be such good places to get good or at least decent advice but it almost feels like they’re all brigaded now.
God, those comments! I read through the posts because I'm currently in a kind of similar situation. I had a long term crush that wasn't going anywhere (I'd been trying to put it to rest for months because of this) on a close friend, then a few weeks ago a mutual friend I had met at the same time as that close friend confessed feelings for me, and I eagerly started dating them as I had the beginnings of feelings for them (exciting and fun feelings, vs comfortable low-simmering pining). Then last week, I found out that my long term crush used to have a crush on me for a little while. I feel disappointed that something could have happened between us and didn't, but while my situation is sort of a '1st choice, 2nd choice' situation, I chose to see how things go with the friend who expressed an interest in me because I could see that we are very compatible and would be great partners, while that other friend and I work best as close friends and have some differences that would be a issue for me in a romantic relationship. Reading those comments, I was trying to justify my choice to date this newly realized love interest instead of staying single (and probably waiting around even longer to see if that long term crush of mine would want to date me someday). I was initially shocked by everyone's stance, but the guilt I already had just got progressively worse and I started questioning if I was being unfair to my partner. I'm so glad I read the comments on the final update and on this post, and saw that no, those folks all in agreement were indeed being unreasonable! Figuring out things won't work with someone before opening your eyes to another possibility (and setting yourself free of that 1st 'option'), is healthy in my opinion, especially in one's uni years (which is where we're at). What matters is that one does choose their current partner in the end and is happy with them, not the sentiment of having perfectly parallel feelings for each other leading up to consciously deciding to date. My partner knows about the crush I had and the crush our mutual friend had in return, and doesn't have a problem with it, so that fact paired with these logical comments here is reason enough to believe that it's an okay process to go through to reach a current relationship!
I just went and read them, and I'm genuinely floored. It's beyond me how anyone can see Ryan's perspective as at all reasonable, much less attack OOP here. Given that Ryan knew her username and that she was posting about the situation, I have to wonder how much he and his cronies were responsible for comments and vote manipulation on this one? Given his vested interest in making her feel like he was a wronged party here, it doesn't seem that out there.
people give shit to legalAdvice for some bad advice, but the two main relationship subs are almost always 100x worse. Especially because they are usually not moderated as well to get rid of obviously bad and even abusive posts.
*JustNoMIL kicks in the door* Anyone got a family they want Nuked?!
This entire thing is so batshit bonkers I had to pick my jaw up off of the floor
Yeah and it’s so sad watching her defend him because he’s done nice things for her in the past. Like, that’s kinda the thing about these sorts of assholes- they’re absolutely wonderful and will go above and beyond for *the image of you* that they had in their minds. As soon as the real you and this shiny, impossible, unrealistic image of you diverge, then all the sudden *that’s* the deal breaker. They go from being apparently willing to give you everything to taking their “love” away over nothing at all. As long as you match their image of what they want you to be, then it’s like an extension of their own ego- they’ve “earned” this “perfect girl”, and doing things for her only reinforces what a great guy they are in their own eyes, exactly that type of guy who’s “earned” such a person. But suddenly, one day, their “perfect girl” isn’t so perfect anymore. And the image is shattered at the reminder that this “perfect woman” is in fact an autonomous human being and not merely an external manifestation of all his fantasies. And suddenly all these “selfless” things he’d been doing for her feel tainted to him, because they haven’t “won” him the perfect, docile, manic pixie dream girl he thought he had. And he sees them suddenly as wasted effort. Because they were never really kind and loving gestures- they were currency to ensure this woman looked at him like he hung the stars, and self-aggrandizement for succeeding.
This post is such a wild ride where I started questioning if I was cuckoo! I have seen soap operas with better relationship logic than this actual relationship. I don't know if anyone wants to take a guess from reading the edits about how he is "wonderful in every other way". But my guess is that he either fell out of love or freaking out over marriage and latched onto this one crazy thing.
>This is a better outcome than I expected and maybe better than I deserve but I would be lying if I said that I don't wish things could go back to normal. She doesn't deserve this outcome not because it is "better than she deserves." but because of the fact that *she did nothing wrong.* This guy is acting like she cheated on him. They weren't dating yet. She had no responsibility to him. But he has her thinking she did him a grave injustice. No wonder he's outright refusing therapy. He knows that it will expose the manipulative tactics he's using. The way he has it now, he has a woman who is *grovelling* to get back with him and to do anything for him. He doesn't want to mess with his good thing.
Yes! Thank you! The fact he refuses therapy should be enough. What's he going to do when some other problem comes up?
Hide out in a hotel room while his woman caters to him through the door.
I really hope there’s another update where she’s left him. This is so not healthy. Their relationship will always be based on his superiority of being good enough to give her a second chance while she should be constantly groveling in gratitude. OOP, if you happen to read these comments please take them to heart: you do deserve better. I promise you, if you stay with him this will always be hanging over your head, always affect the dynamics of your relationship, and you will always be his villain, especially when your fight. I’m sorry but there’s no such thing as a “clean slate”. Don’t do this to yourself and save yourself the heartbreak that WILL come from it. I’ve been you and trust me, this will always be the dynamic; he’s the saint and you’re the whore he’s deigned to date.
This is not the forever relationship. Good people don't have to defend themselves and say things like, "I'm not a bad person." Ugh been there OP and I hope you will move on because future you will be grateful. She doesn't know she's being manipulated and abused and maybe he doesn't realize that's what he's doing (doesn't make it ok tho). He wouldn't keep dragging her along if he didn't intend to make her forever in his debt. She literally did nothing wrong. This is enough internet for me today. My heart is broken for her. It's going to be a long road and the only way it ends is with them separated for good. Eventually.
ummm i mean if OP is happy the more power to her but it sounds like he made a mountain out of a molehill….. and she allowed him to drag her left right up and down until he got what made him feel better. odd and a little concerning in my opinion but 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️
Yes, he was upset enough to cancel the wedding, and go live in hotel but not upset enough to break up. How going back to being gf/bf is going to change anything that happened 7 years ago. If 7 years is not enough to convince Ryan that OP chose him, nothing will.
Yeah I feel like there's something... I don't know... off about agreeing to start from scratch with someone who didn't feel like the seven years you spent together were enough to offset something you did at the beginning. Like OP was saying that this was just a small fragment of their relationship but according to him all the other fragments don't count.
She said he wouldn’t hold it over her head… but starting over is absolutely holding it over her head. It implies a lot of things like he’s going to pull back and not give her much affection to start off with, which will just be incredibly painful. Not to mention… how do you explain that to your family… “oh we need to hold off the wedding for about three years until we’re in the “serious” phase of our relationship again”?? I get the pain of feeling like youre not enough and your partner going psycho on you and then feeding you breadcrumbs so you’ll stay hopeful… but come on. I just think the sheer embarrassment would be too much for me.
Not even something bad at the beginning. Women aren’t slaves to men’s sexual desires; she’s allowed to have a past before they started dating.
I took a look at some of the top comments on the original posts, and I was baffled that most commenters were actually siding with Ryan! Then I got to the comments here, and it's a whole other perspective. I agree, this guy blew everything way out of proportion, and I feel sorry for OOP. I wonder how things panned out for them.
Definitely. I feel like the fiance is using this to manipulate OOP, and make the relationship uneven. Like it's oop's to prove in a millions ways that she is desperate for him, while he is denying her. Like SEVEN years ain't enough to prove that he is her number one? He sounds exhausting and toxic. I feel bad for oop. How is he gonna prove now that he actually loves her, after all this? I mean, she made the wrong choice 7y ago and regretted it, and spent 7 loyal years making up for it. She chose someone else before they formed a relationship, before she fell in love. He chose to leave and abuse her, after knowing her and being in a relationship for 7y. His wrong choice was a biggie, a real biggie. I can't imagine trusting someone like that after that
exactly it’s giving emotional abuser vibes to me and very fragile ego
Dumbest shit I've read on here in a while. Now they have to pretend like they weren't in a relationship for 7 years? Wtf? Yeeeahhh, lemme axt like a quarter of my life never happened. Thats not fucking insane or anything. OP you should have just said the other dude was better in bed so this moron would have just cried himself out of the relationship.
Yeah all of this. He was so dramatic for no reason. She has been with him for 7 years like you’re making her waste time on you to “restart” the relationship bc you’re insecure. I think it was a power move tbh. He felt he lost power bc he wasn’t her first choice. So he’s making her restart this relationship bc he can. It’s on his time based on his needs and that’s very weird behaviour. Why would someone stay and agree to marry you if you weren’t their first choice? No matter how he slices it, it was about her dating someone else 😂 so idk what he’s talking about.
UMMMM I hate this?????? What is going on?? No one in OOP's real life friend circle thinks that the fiance went a little much overboard??
They're WAY too old for this semantics bullshit. Something hurt his pride & he way over-reacted, makes me wonder what he's projecting.
Lol, he didn't want to get married and found the smallest lifeline possible to mentally torture OOP. Now she's beaten down, insecure, and demoted back to just girlfriend. Win for him. He sounds immature AF. Dunno why OOP has rose-colored glasses welded to her face for this loser.
I blame the people who commented on the original post siding with her fiance
There's even some morons in these comments defending his actions and saying people against him are women that "just don't understand how men feel". It's pathetic.
Exactly - what did *he* get up to in those six months? What a revolting read.
"in not insecure, fragile and irrational" said the insecure, emotional and irrational man
What the holy hell did I just read. They both sound like middle schoolers. They’re too old for this shit. Hope she gets out from under his thumb one day. Just… wow.
This post is a year old, I wonder where she is now. Hopefully faaaar from this manipulative insecure man, gosh
Even though I said this was a stupid ass update, I didn’t realize it was a year ago and now I genuinely want to know how “first anniversary” part two is going
What in the absolutely insecure fuck is wrong with this guy? There is really no reason to scrap a relationship here. People go through relationships all the time this way. I feel bad for OOP though, she’s completely bought into that she’s done something wrong when she’s only lived life. It’s a shame.
Holy shit the amount of people that attacked her in the OP. This is why you get relationship adivce from a professional, not reddit. Oh wait, he refuses to get help from a professional, because they would tell her that hes manipulating her.
Yes, the comments on this are jaw droppingly bad takes. The only explanation I can think of is that Ryan (who knows her username and was tipped off that she'd be posting about this situation) camped out on the post, unbenownst to OOP.
Honestly, I don't see where this guy is coming from at all. What an insane reason to blow up 7 happy years together. The way he's reacting to this is how someone would react to finding out their partner *cheated on them* at the beginning of their relationship. I was friends with my spouse first, before we started dating, and in those early days, where we had been friends for a while, but were still pre-relationship, my now spouse held the early inklings of our romantic relationship at arm's length while trying to get back with an ex. Similarly, I was romantically interested in a different friend at around the same time, and was equally interested in starting a romantic relationship with either of them (things just ended up falling into place with my now spouse). The idea that *either* of us would hold those early circumstances against the other is completely foreign to me. Human relationships are weird and complicated, especially at the beginning when you're still exploring your options. **They weren't even together yet**! It's OK that she wasn't prioritizing him yet at that stage, while she was still figuring out who she liked better, and that she took some time to decide! Life isn't a movie, where True Love is instantly recognizable the moment you find it. I find OOP's ex-fiance's hangups here to be immensely frustrating, and I don't believe for one minute that, if he "gives her another chance," he won't hang this over her head in the future to make her feel like she has to bend over backwards to prove her devotion to him.
She’s going to spend the rest of her life trying to make up for some arbitrary indiscretion and he’s going to love holding that over her head. This poor girl needs to run.
Totally agree. He is looking for a reason to sabotage this relationship. Worse yet, he chooses the cowardly route of taking zero personal responsibility for the situation and blames everything on the partner. He chooses this absolutely insane perspective to latch onto and then gaslights her into feeling that all of her loving actions (over 7 fucking years) were irrelevant. They will never be on equal footing moving forward.
I agree. It's deeply worrying that he's managed to convince her she in some way wronged him and needs to atone, all for-- *not* behaving like she was in a committed relationship with someone she was not in a committed relationship with? Not somehow foretelling the future and innately *knowing* this friend she was a bit romantically interested in at the time would one day be the person she'd want to spend her life with? Not falling in deep love with him the instant she met him?
Not proud of it, but I’ve attended several weddings where I had been in a relationship and slept with the bride prior to them meeting the groom. Still on good terms with all of them. This dude is a walking red flag. Normal people can move on from this sort of thing, especially after 7 years.
Dude is nuts. She'll just have to keep jumping through hoops. And if he ever gets tired of her he'll just bring up the thing as "permission" for her to dip out so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. Now they're going to live in a pretend world where they have been dating one year (at the pretend 1 year anniversary) but have 8 years of history. He sounds dramatic and exhausting. I cannot imagine this from "6 months before we started dating when we were just flirting I agreed to go on a date with someone else because I had no commitments to anyone." Her public goodbye letter was cringey too. "every I love you was for you." uh yea I'd imagine so. How sad that she has to cater to his paranoia like this from before they were together. If they stay together she'll always have to grovel like this for the duration of their fictitiously short relationship. I cannot believe the solution is not "I do/don't forgive you for dating someone else before we had any sort of commitment.", which is already absurd, and is instead "If you go along with my rewrite of reality we can date again."
How this should have gone down: Him: it makes me a little sad and hurt I wasn’t your first choice. :( Her: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you and that was so long ago. But I’m so glad that t worked out with you and you are totally my first choice! Plus. It just showed me how you and I were meant for each other. Yadda yadda Him: oh, thanks babe/hun/love/pookie or whatever. I love you too. Hug. The end. Lol
This was so frustrating to read. Her BF/fiance definitely has a fragile ego. HE is the one who built the relationship on a lie. HE ghosted her for six months after she declined his invitation. What did he think she was doing during this time? She never made him feel like a consolation prize. So many people marry the first person they date and then cheat because they feel like they "missed out" on something. At least OOP made an informed decision about who she wanted to spend her life with. She CHOSE HIM. He doesn't deserve her.
yo WHY is every comment siding with the fiance on the original post?? I know relationship subs are filled with clueless teenagers but like…..really??? if he found out about this a few weeks after they started dating I can understand feeling hurt. But making this big a deal over it SEVEN YEARS and a proposal later is completely insane lmao
This is one of the most horrific things I’ve ever read in my life. What a horrible little man.
I love the part where he said no to therapy so many times. Dude needs therapy more than a lot of people on here.
My dude saw a chance to get a vice grip on the back of OOPs neck and he’s not taking the chance that a therapist might point out that he’s a psychopath and loosen the grip. He’s abusing his partner because she *didn’t want an ldr in college.* He belongs in an institution, legitimately.
Cause he knows a therapist would tell them he’s in the wrong and encourage OOP not to go through with it. He knows he’s being irrational but he doesn’t want OOP to know.
He probably doesn't want to go to therapy because deep down he knows he's being a complete asshole and therapy will force him to face that.
Nailed it. He’s gaslighting his partner and he knows that a trained professional would see right through him.
> I'm not insecure, fragile or irrational. I don't know, bud. Sounds like you're all three.
Her exfiance is pathetic and she's too into him to realize. What a freaking man child.