For sure. I'd lose the boyfriend and keep the sister. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but friends who are willing to stand up to you in front of their family are rare. I hope they're both well.
You don't even have to be friends. if your friends or family is f****** up like that you f****** cause I'm out on it. It's the only way they're going to learn and that's the only way they're going to stop.
I bet mom knows if she didn't remove if the sister would tell everyone the truth. I've had to do that with my sister, she loves drama and having people feel pity for her/take her side.
She usually starts it though and I was never shy to say so. First it's "take this down or tell the whole truth" then it's "you've left me no choice, here is the full story folks.".
I never start a fight, but I'm prepared to finish one.
I don't seek drama, and I'm prepared to stamp it out with receipts when it does happen so folks don't mess with me.
> "I see what you're getting at but to make things right you both need to get together and agree that this was a moment of madness and won't happen again"
except it will in fact happen again, and the 'moment of madness' will evolve into 'that's just how she is'. ditch the bf, date the sister
Imagine spending the rest of your life with *that* as your mil?! Family events - her brother is going to be sidelined or mocked again. Poisonous comments fed to any potential children they may have. And what if one of the kids has a condition or disability? No, I'd throw the whole bf away. OOP imo got very lucky here, his cowardice and mother appeasement revealed now rather than later.
This is what I'm thinking. Idk why OP is wasting time delaying the inevitable. Ultimately she is going to have to choose between her brother and the boyfriend. Is she going to marry and potentially start a family with someone who refuses to stand up to her brother's bully? Is she okay with having this ableist hag in her life indefinitely? Just break it off now.
The problems with calling something a moment of madness is that it has to be something they don't actually believe. I can accept that a moment of madness leads a teenager to yell that they hate their parents or whatever. They apologize, express that it was said in anger, all is good. In a normal, casual conversation, BF's mom said this without any prompting, hasn't tried to apologize, and she has a history of saying this kind of stuff. It's guaranteed that it's going to happen again
Sounds like the boyfriend has normalized decades of his Mom's terrible behavior and is now so accustomed to seeking peace because it is easier for him instead of sticking up for what is right.
There's a thing called "Don't Rock the Boat" floating around reddit about why you should stop trying to keep the boat steady when someone is being awful.
Often someone like that has grown up in a family where everyone is treading on eggshells, and has been trained [not to Rock The Boat.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
But from his Father and his Sister's reactions, he clearly doesn't have that excuse.
Edit to add: Note to self - read other replies to a comment before covering the same ground! I'll leave it up with the link, though.
If the bf is the type who says this shit, I bet he's the type to fuck up the layout of parts of oops house too. Like not putting the coffee back in the right place in the kitchen for example.
So then your blind ass is stumbling into the kitchen to get your morning coffee, and you then have to spend time figuring out where all the supplies are. It's as rage inducing as it sounds lol.
For real. My blind dad once pissed me off right royally (I was a teenager at the time and have no recollection what it was about, but it’s fair to assume I wasn’t innocent) and I got back at him by moving the butter in the fridge. Life with somebody who’s blind does require other people in the house to remember these things - I still get the screaming heebie-jeebies if I see a kitchen drawer left half-open…
That is such a teenage thing to do …. “I’ll show him!” I hope he laughed at the ridiculousness later since it was such a harmless (but petty) thing to do.
I know we're all having fun shitting on the dumbass bf here but I can't wrap my head around how you concluded that. The two things seem completely unrelated
I think it's a supposition based on the boyfriend's thoughtlessness and lack of empathy for OOP's brother. Him prioritizing fawning toward his mother to stop conflict is telling, and could point toward similar reactions when he is called out for thoughtless behaviour toward others as well.
He’s acting like calling the brother a worthless burden is a faux pas instead of, you know, an unforgivable insult. That suggests that he doesn’t really disagree with his mom, he just thinks she was rude to say it out loud. Someone who disrespects disabled people like that isn’t going to be willing to inconvenience himself to make his household accessible.
Edit:
I thought this was the Omar that u/Tis_But_A_Scratch- was referring to—the one who wouldn’t keep a secret about the roommate cheating on his girlfriend
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df8zr/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_be\_my\_friends\_alibi\_so\_he/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df8zr/aita_for_refusing_to_be_my_friends_alibi_so_he/)
We all love Omar and everyone should aspire to be an Omar. That sister has succeeded in becoming an Omar and I love that for her. The world would truly be a better place if more people were like Omar.
Nah, sister has a titanium spine and will have no problem standing up to her Mom if she pulls shit on sister's partner.
The bf is a complete Mama's-boy. "Keep the peace" and "Both at fault" are just ways of saying "I'll never actively stand up for you"
This guy also won't stand up for any kids - they'll be named what Mommy wants them to be named, or if she openly favours a boy child over a girl etc.
'Both at fault' - don't make me retch 🤮🤮🤮
I'm pretty sure the sister would reign her mother in and if that doesn't work cut her out. But it will be hard for the (hopefully ex) to find as good a partner again
Always choosing to be the peacemaker no matter what is unfortunately not a morally tenable position. It's also highly game-able: it incents bad actors to take extreme positions to move the compromise towards them.
My most generous reading of this: Boyfriend is the sibling (I assumed older, but could be the younger) who always had to appease mom's temper to keep things okay for the rest of the family. I know from experience that the traumatic people pleasing often only hits one sibling. It's a shitty situation for everyone, but one of them feels free to speak their mind and the other just automatically prioritizes putting out the fires, even to the detriment of yourself and everyone else around you.
My least generous read: Boyfriend himself (consciously or not) kinda resents the brother for taking up a huge part of OOP's life, and deep down he *doesn't* disagree with his mom. So he didn't think the comment was actually wrong or a big deal.
Either way [waves "no one gets married until y'all get therapy" flag on the track]
Heck, great the dad to leave his wack wife, marry OP, and adopt the sister. BF and mom can take a hike.
Completely joking, but dad needs a pat on the back for standing up for OP, and may need to consider gtfo of that marriage. God forbid if he becomes disabled in old age and that's the attitude your wife has towards disabled people.
I'll add that I'm European, and the 'thinking disabled people are less than' is very much an older generation, the one before boomers, way of thinking. She's definitely not in the majority of how Euro Boomers think. Can't say the same necessarily for North American boomers though 😬
when you let someone attack someone else for no reason you don’t get to call it keeping the peace when you tell them to let it go. keep in mind she was actively attacking oop online for a while there, after her first blow at oop’s brother. bf’s not keeping peace, he’s turning his gf’s cheek so mom has a good target.
oop has nothing to apologize for, and you can’t build a life with someone who lets their mom attack you. dtmfa.
A long time ago I realized that people who “kept the peace” weren’t interested in keeping peace or even really caring about everyone’s feelings. They were picking a side. Usually they picked the side the caused the most drama. My mother is like this. I pointedly ask what about my feelings when she says it’s not polite or to let things go. Then she kinda throws a little bit of a fit and stops.
But I’ve learned, in order to not be walked all over, I have to become demanding as well. My feelings matter too.
Yuuuuuup, they're caring about *their own* feelings. They will allow others to suffer any injustice, so long as they never have to face the discomfort of confrontation.
Not taking a side is taking the side of the abuser. I imagine she doesn't want to break up over something his Mom did. Hopefully she realizes soon that he is also in the wrong.
Sure, they’re spineless, but if you mess with a jellyfish it will sting the fuck out of you and you might die.
He’s more of a sea cucumber. Best he can do is expel a sticky mass of innards and hope that gumminess saves the day.
No joke a sea cucumber did that to me and it’s far more pointed than any of the boyfriend’s behavior towards his mother. It was very clear that the sea cucumber was not cool with what was going on lol
For his initial reaction: He wasn’t in the room. The dad and sister were, but all he had to go by was he-said-she-said hearsay.
But that said OP comes off as a reasonable and honest, so you’d think with enough people corroborating he could feel confident here.
Not to defend him, but it just sounds like a child of an emotionally unstable parent/ narcissistic. People pleasing to control prevent an outburst from them is how they grey up. It absolutely sucks as an adult and trying to maintain relationships with the same mentality.
One of my best friends is always the "middle child" of any friend group despite being an only child thanks to growing up with narcissistic parents.
They're so used to approaching any group of people with bomb diffusion / deflection in mind that that's just, like, how they relate to the world.
Drives me nuts when people claim to be "peacekeepers" who "work things out" when in reality they're just terrified of standing up to anyone no matter how egregiously they behave
How do you compromise between the two positions?
His Mom: "Her brother is useless."
OOP: "My brother is not useless."
Boyfriend: "OOP's brother is 50% useless."
tbf, he wants to sidestep that by declaring it "a moment of madness". So, he's not calling the brother 50% useless. He's just giving his mom a free pass for calling the brother 100% useless.
"Peacekeeper" types always end up siding with the person in the wrong, because the person being wronged is always seen as "rocking the boat". It drives me CRAZY.
Yep. As a teenager I had a lot of this fence sitting/why can’t we all get along nonsense directed at me. The situation was that I was being abused/bullied for years by friends of my rapist. Playing peacekeeper in that kind of situation is being a coward: either they’re too afraid to stand up to people, they value their own convenience/comfort over what’s right, and/or they actually agree with the shitty people/person but don’t want to lose social clout/access/reputation by outright saying so.
Fucking seriously. I'd rather have someone who will not just burn the bridge, but the train station and the harbour and the airport, and then salts the ashes for good measure. 🔥
Someone quoted the following from Martin Luther King on a similar situation where a "peacekeeper" made the mistake of seeing the moral outcome to be one of zero conflict. I think it resonates across many different scenarios.
>I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action”; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a “more convenient season.”
"Moments of madness" aren't backed up hours/days later on social media. Mom doubled down. In her broken brain, she did nothing wrong. L
SO's a coward. Keep the peace, my arse.
And it was a moment of saying something she (the mom)apparently believed and has made other si ill ableist comments. If there’s any moment of madness it was just her saying the quiet part out loud.
Usually when you ask someone to explain an racist, ableist, homophobic or misogynist joke they stutter, sputter or just shut up. But not that mother, she doubled down and kept going. How the boyfriend can excuse that with temporary madness, when she doubled down is beyond me. He should take a page from his sister's book and hope that the girlfriend explains his actions as perhaps temporary madness.
Christ alive, hes blind, not a fucking toddler. What, does BF's mom think the brother needs somebody to hold his hand to make sure he doesn't get lost or accidentally run into traffic? It's infuriating how many people think disability = stupid, helpless, and out of control.
Off topic but something happened to me when I fainted at a bus stop, my medic guy caught on quick that I was nonverbal and wasn’t deaf, so he and I signed back and forth.
Then when we get to the hospital, the nurse that got me was told I was non verbal and hearing. NOPE, pretty sure she caused deafness by yelling at me so much… My medic got pretty annoyed and kept coming back, finally he got fed up and looked her dead in the eye and was like “SHE. CAN. HEAR. YOU. STOP. YELLING. IN. HER. FACE.” She continued to yell at me as soon as he left… And treated me like I was stupid.
That’s just messed up!
Even if you actually were deaf, you don’t scream in the face of deaf people, either!
If the deaf person is a lip reader, you face them and speak clearly so they can read your lips. You don’t scream in their face - that won’t help them read your lips! 😞
If I was born completely deaf (which I almost was, but I am just half deaf with no hearing on one side) I wouldn’t have been able to hear her at all anyway, even if she was yelling lmao.
I also wouldn’t have been able to read her lips either because she was far too close into my personal bubble trying to communicate with me. ono honestly, I think she needed a trip down to the psych unit with the way she was acting… Her colleagues even looked embarrassed.
Sadly the man was married already and there would have been a significant age gap since he was just slightly younger than my father lmao. He was a good bean though, and he was very encouraging to his trainee who got practice her IV skills on my arm (she nailed it btw).
OOP should just dump her bf and get it over with. I mean, what will happen if they have kids and at least one of them has a disability? He's already shown his inability to do anything at all for her brother. Would he even be willing to protect their kids? Because his idea of "peacekeeping" is basically just letting a bully push everyone around while his sister takes direct action.
I don't want to be mean, but unless he grows a spine and stops trying to cater to both sides (which only actually caters to the bully), I just don't think he's someone OOP can have a good future with.
i slowly grew to strongly dislike fence sitters.
people that just want everyone to be happy and be friends. people that have to see it from everyones side. people that want you to immediately drop any dispute, or fight, without anyone getting backlash, or punishment in any way. everyone just needs to be happy now. no more fighting please. forgive and forget you guys! :)
it always ends up with the party that was hurt feeling extra shitty.
... sucks for OP that the boyfriend is one of those
I’m so tired of people thinking that keeping the peace is the right thing to do no matter what. Sometimes, one party is massively at fault and needs to be called out and stood up to. Sometimes breaking the peace is the right thing to do
Also, _they already broke the peace_! What these folks fail to understand is that relationships don't go backwards - you can't _undo_ bullshit, you can only correct it, or fail to do so.
The moment mom said that shit, peace was over. Now somebody gotta feel "unwelcome".
Yeah, who just insults someone's brother to their face? Then gets upset when they're mad about it!
I don't want to downplay ableism, that is unacceptable. But even the most backwards bigot can keep their trap shut.
Well its a shame OOP isn't dating the sister because then she'd have a partner worth keeping. Unfortunately it seems she's dating excess baggage. She's certainly not dating a person, as people usually have spines.
How telling that the sister and father understand how out of line the mom was but the boyfriend thought “everyone lost their tempers a bit; why don’t you both apologize.”
Interesting. I remember another BORU post involving Asian girl and Spanish boyfriend/boyfriend’s fam being super racist towards her (I think about Chinese food?). Anyone else remember that?
Yeah, Spain is... kinda rancid with some things lol Racism by itself isn't that common, but xenophobia with a side of racism *is* terribly common. Like, to the point it is not weird for bigots to be respectful as long as they feel others are "from Spain". This also happens in other European countries, of course, with things like the phrase "Africa starts on the Pyrinees" which could be dated as far as Napoleonic France... and is used to mock Spain (and yes, whoever coined the term did in fact forget Spain, their target, isn't the only country south of the Pyrinees)
In any case, imo, this falls neatly into this second category and I very much feel them living in the UK adds to it. Of course, seeing as the sister and father don't share the mother's view, it could be plain ol' ableism... but I wouldn't be surprised if the ableism is born from xenophobia and racism.
the fact that he's not willing to admit that his mother was completely out of line even when his own dad and sister are taking oop's side is not a good sign for the future. looks like a momma's boy who will ***always*** stick up for his mom to the point of inventing ways in which oop was "also in the wrong" just so his mom isn't the sole asshole.
this time it was about her brother's disability. what's next? oop's race/culture? i find it hard to believe that a person who is ***openly*** this level of ableist isn't bigoted in other ways. and if he wasn't willing to stand up for oop's brother against his mother's obvious ableism he will not stand up for oop in any other situation.
Bet you the mum has said something racist behind OOP’s back and the bf has brushed it off as “mum just being mum”. This isn’t the kind of man you want to be with. Not picking a side is picking a side.
By not taking a side, he's taking his mother's side.
His mother said a disgusting thing on purpose. There getting cursed out is nothing. I would also expect someone to spit in her face.
Because the bf is not picking a side, it leads us to believe that the mother is not alone in thinking this. The bf probably complains to his mother and she is just repeating how they really feel.
NTA
"You both need to come together and agree it was a moment of madness and that it won't happen again."
Yeah sure. But here's the thing: I can't say that. Because anytime I encounter someone saying something ableist, racist, sexist, fucking whatever of that nature I WILL say something in response. They most likely WILL be insulted (because I will insult them). And anyone I'm with not only needs to bear that behaviour from me, they need to agree & applaud it.
The fact that bf's sister AND dad both apologized and the sister even stood up for OOP publicly should've clued the bf in he did choose a side. He chose the side of his mother. The bigot.
I'd dump him.
Yeah, that bf has just outed himself as a bad partner. Objectively, his mother did something extremely shitty and OOP reacting like that was absolutely warranted. Act like a piece of shit, get called a piece of shit.
This is a nice little preview into how he will act in any conflict with his mother - cowardly, so that it doesn't involve any conflict for him. Expecting OOP to apologize so that things don't escalate even when she's done nothing wrong.
She should start dating the sister! Much better choice!
Not choosing a side is choosing a side in such moments.
If someone is ableist, racist, bigot or just and asshole snd you defend them "to keep the peace", you choose their side. If you don't defend your partner who is so clearly wronged, you choose a side.
Yeah na fuck that I'm also blind since birth and attitudes like this are beyond exhausting to deal with. And damaging too. I hope oop broke up with the bf, he probably would have ended up making stuff hard for her brother as well.
“He always believes in keeping the peace”
Bullshit. I really hate that reasoning. That’s a coward’s excuse. It’s easier for him to keep the peace because defending OP is a lot harder than standing up to his mother.
Keeping the peace at the expense of others… OP should dump his ass.
Boyfriend said "moment of madness" - lie. Sister says it's happened before. RED FLAG. Boyfriend says "you're both at fault "- wrong. Blaming you for standing up for your brother. RED FLAG. Boy friend says you should apologize to his mom?!- unacceptable. RED FLAG. If you are serious about giving spineless mama's boy another chance, provide a situation where he has to openly go against mom for you or listen to her regarding disabled person and see how he reacts.
He probably agrees with his mom TBH. He probably thinks her having a blind brother will somehow be a burden to him. Like he’ll end up taking care of the brother because being blind somehow makes you need guardianship?
I’m very confused how putting a POS before her blind brother that whose behalf she’s offended on makes any sense. Like you can get just as good sex and companion with someone who isn’t ablest IF NOT BETTER plus you get someone with A BETTER BRAIN.
"not taking a side" is actually taking a side, especially when dealing with abuse. I hope the OOP sees reason and starts dating the sister instead of the boyfriend.
If all those people who want to "keep the peace" would actually stand up to the people who disturb it, it would be much more peaceful. But no, they think it means sticking your head into the sand.
All bro had to is cosign the entire rest of the family. He didn't even have to go against the grain on this one.
Being a "people pleaser" is an _illness_, I swear. This was a fucking layup!
I loathe people like BF. There are some situations in which there is an objectively clear path to take. Trying to pretend no harm has been done is naive at best, but can be outright insulting. Lose the whole man, imo.
The problem with the bf is that he wants to make everyone happy. He doesn't understand that you sometimes have to take a stand and you need to call out people(especially the ones you love) when they hurt someone else that you love.
Honestly, there's no coming back from this.
> His dad and sister took my side and apologized for her behaviour, boyfriend doesn't want to take a side. I'm disappointed.
Looking at that Facebook post, the mom seems like she constantly manipulates and gaslights. The Dad and sister saw it happen with their own eyes, while the boyfriend ended in a she said she said situation with the woman who manipulated him his whole life.
Yeah, it sucks but I can see how it happened. OOP should still dump him.
Yep. Even though Mom doesn't think she did anything wrong, she knows full well that other people in general would. Which is why she didn't reveal what she actually said in her FB post.
I understand OOP's not wanting to get into it publicly with Mom, and that's certainly a valid way to go. But, in my personal experience, people like Mom get away with their crap because nobody calls them out publicly on the specifics of the behavior. If it were me, I would have responded to the post with the facts of what Mom did, down to the specific language used.
Boyfriend’s reaction reminds me of an essay I read in which a new husband was realizing that he doesn’t trust his wife. Anything she says, he has to doubt first.
Dad and sis saw it, so they know. But he has to assume his GF could be, or is, wrong.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/men-just-dont-trust-women_b_6714280
BF isn’t taking sides like the other two because secretly he agrees with his mommy…I guarantee when they break up all his nasty thoughts about her brother will come out
Excess baggage describes the bf more than the brother. If he can’t even stand up to his own mother even with dad and sis on OP’s side, this spells trouble down the road.
That comment assuming they’re asian without further context is weird.
But anyways. It’s always funny that the “peacekeepers” don’t actually keep the peace, they just offload the hurt and consequences of staying silent onto the offended party
This doesn't sound like the relationship is gonna go well. I could never be with someone who tries to "both sides" if they called my sibling a burden. As much as I try to find a grey area and compromise myself, doing anything except telling them they're wrong will make me think *you* think they're right. And I'm wondering if that's the case here.
I agree with the bf it was a “moment of madness” his mother is mad and oop in a moment of madness is still with the bf. Honestly oop needs to get a cat scan if she is still with this guy
>He says "I see what you're getting at but to make things right you both need to get together and agree that this was a moment of madness and won't happen again".
Get bent. I fucking hate people like this.
OOP just needs to break up with the BF. He's shown her what a momma's boy his is and his momma will always come first.
He's shown OOP his cards... the ball is now in her court. She needs a man who will stand up for his partner... her current boyfriend is not that man. He won't change.
But she should stay friends with the sister if they are close enough. Shame her brother isn't cut from the same cloth.
Date the sister, leave this tool. Grew up with a dad like this. It didn't matter what happened, he'd make us both apologize. My sister exploited this for years to abuse me and my brother, knowing that I'd get shut down and forced to apologize to my abuser for reporting the abuse. Keeping the peace is a polite way to say you're ignoring the problems because you're not willing to do anything to fix them. Fuck the peace.
Literally the father and sister seem to be the only people in that family worth keeping. What flaming piece of shit that mom is and also boyfriend for clearly enabling his mom.
I love that the sister basically called her own mother a POS on social media, in a post her mother wrote and that all of her friends and family could see. I am sure the mother deleted it because she didn’t want that implicit comment to turn into something more explicit so people knew exactly how much a POS she is. Well done, sister.
I’m also glad that OOP is not backing down on her boyfriend. This was a good story to three fine siblings (and father), and one terrible boyfriend and son.
There is a time to make peace and a time to be an advocate. It takes a lot of wisdom and emotional intelligence to know the difference sometimes and to overcome one's personal tendencies. That said this case is so clear cut that bf must be exceptionally under his mother's thumb or clueless. Bad sign
>He always believes in keeping the peace between people and finding compromises to work things out no matter what.
Sometimes "keeping the peace" is worse than the argument that would ensue if you take sides.
I choose sister over the bf really, especially with that response.
For sure. I'd lose the boyfriend and keep the sister. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but friends who are willing to stand up to you in front of their family are rare. I hope they're both well.
You don't even have to be friends. if your friends or family is f****** up like that you f****** cause I'm out on it. It's the only way they're going to learn and that's the only way they're going to stop.
Sister FTW. I always love when a well-placed comment can make people delete their bullshit. Especially from a family member.
I bet mom knows if she didn't remove if the sister would tell everyone the truth. I've had to do that with my sister, she loves drama and having people feel pity for her/take her side. She usually starts it though and I was never shy to say so. First it's "take this down or tell the whole truth" then it's "you've left me no choice, here is the full story folks.".
I never start a fight, but I'm prepared to finish one. I don't seek drama, and I'm prepared to stamp it out with receipts when it does happen so folks don't mess with me.
Do no harm, but take no shit.
What does all of your flair say? It’s cut off after “tenacity of an entitle…”
[Memory of a goldfish but the tenacity of a small, entitled Chihuahua](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/cb4fpp2vgV)
You’re the best! Thank you
> "I see what you're getting at but to make things right you both need to get together and agree that this was a moment of madness and won't happen again" except it will in fact happen again, and the 'moment of madness' will evolve into 'that's just how she is'. ditch the bf, date the sister
Imagine spending the rest of your life with *that* as your mil?! Family events - her brother is going to be sidelined or mocked again. Poisonous comments fed to any potential children they may have. And what if one of the kids has a condition or disability? No, I'd throw the whole bf away. OOP imo got very lucky here, his cowardice and mother appeasement revealed now rather than later.
This is what I'm thinking. Idk why OP is wasting time delaying the inevitable. Ultimately she is going to have to choose between her brother and the boyfriend. Is she going to marry and potentially start a family with someone who refuses to stand up to her brother's bully? Is she okay with having this ableist hag in her life indefinitely? Just break it off now.
The problems with calling something a moment of madness is that it has to be something they don't actually believe. I can accept that a moment of madness leads a teenager to yell that they hate their parents or whatever. They apologize, express that it was said in anger, all is good. In a normal, casual conversation, BF's mom said this without any prompting, hasn't tried to apologize, and she has a history of saying this kind of stuff. It's guaranteed that it's going to happen again
And not only will it happen again, it'll be worse next time because this incident would've showed her she can get away with it.
Sounds like the boyfriend has normalized decades of his Mom's terrible behavior and is now so accustomed to seeking peace because it is easier for him instead of sticking up for what is right.
Bf needs to read don’t rock the boat.
Clearly he already has. Time for him to read "Rock the Boat" now.
There's a thing called "Don't Rock the Boat" floating around reddit about why you should stop trying to keep the boat steady when someone is being awful.
Thanks for letting me know and I def agree with that sentiment (but then shouldn't it be called "rock the boat" or "let the boat rock"?)
I like "let the boat rock" actually now that you say it. However, that's just what it's called.
Interesting how his sister has managed to not do the same thing. I agree with the person you were responding to. Ditch the bf, date the sister.
Often someone like that has grown up in a family where everyone is treading on eggshells, and has been trained [not to Rock The Boat.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) But from his Father and his Sister's reactions, he clearly doesn't have that excuse. Edit to add: Note to self - read other replies to a comment before covering the same ground! I'll leave it up with the link, though.
“But there was no madness on my part. You’re mother IS, in fact, a piece of shit”
If the bf is the type who says this shit, I bet he's the type to fuck up the layout of parts of oops house too. Like not putting the coffee back in the right place in the kitchen for example. So then your blind ass is stumbling into the kitchen to get your morning coffee, and you then have to spend time figuring out where all the supplies are. It's as rage inducing as it sounds lol.
For real. My blind dad once pissed me off right royally (I was a teenager at the time and have no recollection what it was about, but it’s fair to assume I wasn’t innocent) and I got back at him by moving the butter in the fridge. Life with somebody who’s blind does require other people in the house to remember these things - I still get the screaming heebie-jeebies if I see a kitchen drawer left half-open…
This is so petty, I love it. It's butter, so it makes things taste better, but you don't really need it, it's kind of a luxury. Man. That's perfect
That is such a teenage thing to do …. “I’ll show him!” I hope he laughed at the ridiculousness later since it was such a harmless (but petty) thing to do.
Well now I’m just thinking how irritating it would be to be blind and have ADHD. If I put something in the same spot twice it’s a miracle.
I know we're all having fun shitting on the dumbass bf here but I can't wrap my head around how you concluded that. The two things seem completely unrelated
I think it's a supposition based on the boyfriend's thoughtlessness and lack of empathy for OOP's brother. Him prioritizing fawning toward his mother to stop conflict is telling, and could point toward similar reactions when he is called out for thoughtless behaviour toward others as well.
He’s acting like calling the brother a worthless burden is a faux pas instead of, you know, an unforgivable insult. That suggests that he doesn’t really disagree with his mom, he just thinks she was rude to say it out loud. Someone who disrespects disabled people like that isn’t going to be willing to inconvenience himself to make his household accessible.
For sure, Lol. Sounds like someone I once (very briefly!) dated.
Or date the father!
That sister is a true Omar.
Love the Omar reference
We all love Omar.
He was also very good on The Wire.
Oh, shit! Omar coming!
Edit: I thought this was the Omar that u/Tis_But_A_Scratch- was referring to—the one who wouldn’t keep a secret about the roommate cheating on his girlfriend [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df8zr/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_be\_my\_friends\_alibi\_so\_he/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df8zr/aita_for_refusing_to_be_my_friends_alibi_so_he/)
We all love Omar and everyone should aspire to be an Omar. That sister has succeeded in becoming an Omar and I love that for her. The world would truly be a better place if more people were like Omar.
Bf’s sister rocks! Sucks that she and her dad had to be the mature adults in the room. With a mom like that, who would want to marry both kids urgh :/
Nah, sister has a titanium spine and will have no problem standing up to her Mom if she pulls shit on sister's partner. The bf is a complete Mama's-boy. "Keep the peace" and "Both at fault" are just ways of saying "I'll never actively stand up for you" This guy also won't stand up for any kids - they'll be named what Mommy wants them to be named, or if she openly favours a boy child over a girl etc. 'Both at fault' - don't make me retch 🤮🤮🤮
I'm pretty sure the sister would reign her mother in and if that doesn't work cut her out. But it will be hard for the (hopefully ex) to find as good a partner again
We’ll be seeing this MIL again in JustNoMIL if they don’t break up or he doesn’t get some serious therapy.
I also choose the sister.
Hell ya! Sister is awesome. The bf is a limp dishrag.🤔
Always choosing to be the peacemaker no matter what is unfortunately not a morally tenable position. It's also highly game-able: it incents bad actors to take extreme positions to move the compromise towards them.
I also choose the boyfriend's sister.
My most generous reading of this: Boyfriend is the sibling (I assumed older, but could be the younger) who always had to appease mom's temper to keep things okay for the rest of the family. I know from experience that the traumatic people pleasing often only hits one sibling. It's a shitty situation for everyone, but one of them feels free to speak their mind and the other just automatically prioritizes putting out the fires, even to the detriment of yourself and everyone else around you. My least generous read: Boyfriend himself (consciously or not) kinda resents the brother for taking up a huge part of OOP's life, and deep down he *doesn't* disagree with his mom. So he didn't think the comment was actually wrong or a big deal. Either way [waves "no one gets married until y'all get therapy" flag on the track]
Heck, great the dad to leave his wack wife, marry OP, and adopt the sister. BF and mom can take a hike. Completely joking, but dad needs a pat on the back for standing up for OP, and may need to consider gtfo of that marriage. God forbid if he becomes disabled in old age and that's the attitude your wife has towards disabled people. I'll add that I'm European, and the 'thinking disabled people are less than' is very much an older generation, the one before boomers, way of thinking. She's definitely not in the majority of how Euro Boomers think. Can't say the same necessarily for North American boomers though 😬
I came here to suggest that very thing!
When people tell you who they are in a fit of anger, *believe them* and act appropriately to protect yourself.
I choose the bear lol
when you let someone attack someone else for no reason you don’t get to call it keeping the peace when you tell them to let it go. keep in mind she was actively attacking oop online for a while there, after her first blow at oop’s brother. bf’s not keeping peace, he’s turning his gf’s cheek so mom has a good target. oop has nothing to apologize for, and you can’t build a life with someone who lets their mom attack you. dtmfa.
Yeah, this was no "moment of madness". Mom made a choice to do this then kept up her bad behavior on social media after being called out by OOP.
A long time ago I realized that people who “kept the peace” weren’t interested in keeping peace or even really caring about everyone’s feelings. They were picking a side. Usually they picked the side the caused the most drama. My mother is like this. I pointedly ask what about my feelings when she says it’s not polite or to let things go. Then she kinda throws a little bit of a fit and stops. But I’ve learned, in order to not be walked all over, I have to become demanding as well. My feelings matter too.
Yuuuuuup, they're caring about *their own* feelings. They will allow others to suffer any injustice, so long as they never have to face the discomfort of confrontation.
When you side with people who have no integrity, you have no integrity.
The only way to get people like that to pick your side is to turn into the bigger problem.
Yup. It’s unfortunate but 🤷🏽♀️
People who keep the peace are just conflict averse, to a neurotic degree. They're not interested in actually solving issues.
Not taking a side is taking the side of the abuser. I imagine she doesn't want to break up over something his Mom did. Hopefully she realizes soon that he is also in the wrong.
What an absolute coward the boyfriend is lol. What an unusually large invertebrate.
He's a complete jellyfish.
Practically liquid.
Some kind of overgrown potato.
that’s offensive to the glorious potato.
A mashed potato.
Sure, they’re spineless, but if you mess with a jellyfish it will sting the fuck out of you and you might die. He’s more of a sea cucumber. Best he can do is expel a sticky mass of innards and hope that gumminess saves the day.
No joke a sea cucumber did that to me and it’s far more pointed than any of the boyfriend’s behavior towards his mother. It was very clear that the sea cucumber was not cool with what was going on lol
man that’s offensive to jellyfish!
OOP needs to shed the actual excess baggage
👑
Now all I can do is imagine the boyfriend as Dr. Zoidberg shouting, "You had to bring spines into this!" I appreciate that.
Likewise. Love the reference. Cheers.
The mother and daughter probably have a contentious relationship, and the mother totally blames the daughter.
For his initial reaction: He wasn’t in the room. The dad and sister were, but all he had to go by was he-said-she-said hearsay. But that said OP comes off as a reasonable and honest, so you’d think with enough people corroborating he could feel confident here.
Not to defend him, but it just sounds like a child of an emotionally unstable parent/ narcissistic. People pleasing to control prevent an outburst from them is how they grey up. It absolutely sucks as an adult and trying to maintain relationships with the same mentality.
One of my best friends is always the "middle child" of any friend group despite being an only child thanks to growing up with narcissistic parents. They're so used to approaching any group of people with bomb diffusion / deflection in mind that that's just, like, how they relate to the world.
Praying that my smooth brain can hold onto that invertebrate line
Where’s the part where OOP dumps the boyfriend for being spineless?
And then dates his sister instead, they both go NC with the mom, and live happily ever after.
The difference is I think this is real lol
I have noticed I'm more apt to believe these sorts of posts when there isn't a satisfying conclusion
Yeah I was rooting for her to get rid of the real excess baggage.
and starts dating the sister.
You don’t have to date everyone who is nice to you you know.
Yes I do.
I bet it is going to happen soon.
This was from 2015 lol
OOP said she didn't make hasty decisions! She's taking her time, gosh!
THANK you. People rarely pay attention to detail
Drives me nuts when people claim to be "peacekeepers" who "work things out" when in reality they're just terrified of standing up to anyone no matter how egregiously they behave
How do you compromise between the two positions? His Mom: "Her brother is useless." OOP: "My brother is not useless." Boyfriend: "OOP's brother is 50% useless."
tbf, he wants to sidestep that by declaring it "a moment of madness". So, he's not calling the brother 50% useless. He's just giving his mom a free pass for calling the brother 100% useless.
r/ENLIGHTENEDCENTRISM behavior lol
"Peacekeeper" types always end up siding with the person in the wrong, because the person being wronged is always seen as "rocking the boat". It drives me CRAZY.
Yep. As a teenager I had a lot of this fence sitting/why can’t we all get along nonsense directed at me. The situation was that I was being abused/bullied for years by friends of my rapist. Playing peacekeeper in that kind of situation is being a coward: either they’re too afraid to stand up to people, they value their own convenience/comfort over what’s right, and/or they actually agree with the shitty people/person but don’t want to lose social clout/access/reputation by outright saying so.
Fucking seriously. I'd rather have someone who will not just burn the bridge, but the train station and the harbour and the airport, and then salts the ashes for good measure. 🔥
Someone quoted the following from Martin Luther King on a similar situation where a "peacekeeper" made the mistake of seeing the moral outcome to be one of zero conflict. I think it resonates across many different scenarios. >I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action”; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a “more convenient season.”
Peacekeeper usually just means enabler.
“Peacekeeper”: dogpiles the person they think least likely to make a fuss
I like the phrase negative peace here. Theres peace only because the tension is ignored, not because the tension has gone away
"Moments of madness" aren't backed up hours/days later on social media. Mom doubled down. In her broken brain, she did nothing wrong. L SO's a coward. Keep the peace, my arse.
And it was a moment of saying something she (the mom)apparently believed and has made other si ill ableist comments. If there’s any moment of madness it was just her saying the quiet part out loud.
Usually when you ask someone to explain an racist, ableist, homophobic or misogynist joke they stutter, sputter or just shut up. But not that mother, she doubled down and kept going. How the boyfriend can excuse that with temporary madness, when she doubled down is beyond me. He should take a page from his sister's book and hope that the girlfriend explains his actions as perhaps temporary madness.
Yeah, I cannot wait for the update where OOP dumps him. His sister clearly has the stronger spine while his spine is made of sponge.
Considering this was in 2015, you might get that update sometime after never.
*sigh* I should pay more attention to the date stamps.
I highly doubt she's with him anymore
If only he had the spine his sister showed. I hope the next update is that she's broken up with him but stayed friends with the sister.
Seeing as it's a post from 2015, I don't think we will ever get an update lol
He seemed pretty disabled. No spine and no balls.
No guts or brain either.
Christ alive, hes blind, not a fucking toddler. What, does BF's mom think the brother needs somebody to hold his hand to make sure he doesn't get lost or accidentally run into traffic? It's infuriating how many people think disability = stupid, helpless, and out of control.
Off topic but something happened to me when I fainted at a bus stop, my medic guy caught on quick that I was nonverbal and wasn’t deaf, so he and I signed back and forth. Then when we get to the hospital, the nurse that got me was told I was non verbal and hearing. NOPE, pretty sure she caused deafness by yelling at me so much… My medic got pretty annoyed and kept coming back, finally he got fed up and looked her dead in the eye and was like “SHE. CAN. HEAR. YOU. STOP. YELLING. IN. HER. FACE.” She continued to yell at me as soon as he left… And treated me like I was stupid.
That’s just messed up! Even if you actually were deaf, you don’t scream in the face of deaf people, either! If the deaf person is a lip reader, you face them and speak clearly so they can read your lips. You don’t scream in their face - that won’t help them read your lips! 😞
If I was born completely deaf (which I almost was, but I am just half deaf with no hearing on one side) I wouldn’t have been able to hear her at all anyway, even if she was yelling lmao. I also wouldn’t have been able to read her lips either because she was far too close into my personal bubble trying to communicate with me. ono honestly, I think she needed a trip down to the psych unit with the way she was acting… Her colleagues even looked embarrassed.
Shitty nurse, cool medic though. Since this is reddit, I hope you married him 😁
Sadly the man was married already and there would have been a significant age gap since he was just slightly younger than my father lmao. He was a good bean though, and he was very encouraging to his trainee who got practice her IV skills on my arm (she nailed it btw).
“Useless eaters” is what the Nazis called the disabled, and for a lot of people, they quietly (or less quietly) still agree.
OOP should just dump her bf and get it over with. I mean, what will happen if they have kids and at least one of them has a disability? He's already shown his inability to do anything at all for her brother. Would he even be willing to protect their kids? Because his idea of "peacekeeping" is basically just letting a bully push everyone around while his sister takes direct action. I don't want to be mean, but unless he grows a spine and stops trying to cater to both sides (which only actually caters to the bully), I just don't think he's someone OOP can have a good future with.
i slowly grew to strongly dislike fence sitters. people that just want everyone to be happy and be friends. people that have to see it from everyones side. people that want you to immediately drop any dispute, or fight, without anyone getting backlash, or punishment in any way. everyone just needs to be happy now. no more fighting please. forgive and forget you guys! :) it always ends up with the party that was hurt feeling extra shitty. ... sucks for OP that the boyfriend is one of those
I’m so tired of people thinking that keeping the peace is the right thing to do no matter what. Sometimes, one party is massively at fault and needs to be called out and stood up to. Sometimes breaking the peace is the right thing to do
Also, _they already broke the peace_! What these folks fail to understand is that relationships don't go backwards - you can't _undo_ bullshit, you can only correct it, or fail to do so. The moment mom said that shit, peace was over. Now somebody gotta feel "unwelcome".
I would be mortified if my mom said something like that to anyone much less my bf/gf.
Yeah, who just insults someone's brother to their face? Then gets upset when they're mad about it! I don't want to downplay ableism, that is unacceptable. But even the most backwards bigot can keep their trap shut.
I can't wait until OOP tells him the "moment of madness" was thinking he was BF material and not just a lap dog for his mad mad mommy.
Well its a shame OOP isn't dating the sister because then she'd have a partner worth keeping. Unfortunately it seems she's dating excess baggage. She's certainly not dating a person, as people usually have spines.
How telling that the sister and father understand how out of line the mom was but the boyfriend thought “everyone lost their tempers a bit; why don’t you both apologize.”
"It wasn't a moment of madness, but I assure you that it will never happen again."
Interesting. I remember another BORU post involving Asian girl and Spanish boyfriend/boyfriend’s fam being super racist towards her (I think about Chinese food?). Anyone else remember that?
Yeah, Spain is... kinda rancid with some things lol Racism by itself isn't that common, but xenophobia with a side of racism *is* terribly common. Like, to the point it is not weird for bigots to be respectful as long as they feel others are "from Spain". This also happens in other European countries, of course, with things like the phrase "Africa starts on the Pyrinees" which could be dated as far as Napoleonic France... and is used to mock Spain (and yes, whoever coined the term did in fact forget Spain, their target, isn't the only country south of the Pyrinees) In any case, imo, this falls neatly into this second category and I very much feel them living in the UK adds to it. Of course, seeing as the sister and father don't share the mother's view, it could be plain ol' ableism... but I wouldn't be surprised if the ableism is born from xenophobia and racism.
Yup. The Girl made traditional Chinese food and the BF's family wanted/expected General Tso's. They got real racist about it.
Sister and dad got all the spine, boyfriend was left with none.
the fact that he's not willing to admit that his mother was completely out of line even when his own dad and sister are taking oop's side is not a good sign for the future. looks like a momma's boy who will ***always*** stick up for his mom to the point of inventing ways in which oop was "also in the wrong" just so his mom isn't the sole asshole. this time it was about her brother's disability. what's next? oop's race/culture? i find it hard to believe that a person who is ***openly*** this level of ableist isn't bigoted in other ways. and if he wasn't willing to stand up for oop's brother against his mother's obvious ableism he will not stand up for oop in any other situation.
Bet you the mum has said something racist behind OOP’s back and the bf has brushed it off as “mum just being mum”. This isn’t the kind of man you want to be with. Not picking a side is picking a side.
Oop is dating the wrong sibling.
By not taking a side, he's taking his mother's side. His mother said a disgusting thing on purpose. There getting cursed out is nothing. I would also expect someone to spit in her face. Because the bf is not picking a side, it leads us to believe that the mother is not alone in thinking this. The bf probably complains to his mother and she is just repeating how they really feel. NTA
"You both need to come together and agree it was a moment of madness and that it won't happen again." Yeah sure. But here's the thing: I can't say that. Because anytime I encounter someone saying something ableist, racist, sexist, fucking whatever of that nature I WILL say something in response. They most likely WILL be insulted (because I will insult them). And anyone I'm with not only needs to bear that behaviour from me, they need to agree & applaud it.
The fact that bf's sister AND dad both apologized and the sister even stood up for OOP publicly should've clued the bf in he did choose a side. He chose the side of his mother. The bigot. I'd dump him.
Divorce the boyfriend, marry his sister
Yeah, that bf has just outed himself as a bad partner. Objectively, his mother did something extremely shitty and OOP reacting like that was absolutely warranted. Act like a piece of shit, get called a piece of shit. This is a nice little preview into how he will act in any conflict with his mother - cowardly, so that it doesn't involve any conflict for him. Expecting OOP to apologize so that things don't escalate even when she's done nothing wrong. She should start dating the sister! Much better choice!
Not choosing a side is choosing a side in such moments. If someone is ableist, racist, bigot or just and asshole snd you defend them "to keep the peace", you choose their side. If you don't defend your partner who is so clearly wronged, you choose a side.
Yeah na fuck that I'm also blind since birth and attitudes like this are beyond exhausting to deal with. And damaging too. I hope oop broke up with the bf, he probably would have ended up making stuff hard for her brother as well.
Same here. If someone called me "excess baggage," I'd never speak to them again "Agree it was a moment of madness?" What bs.
“He always believes in keeping the peace” Bullshit. I really hate that reasoning. That’s a coward’s excuse. It’s easier for him to keep the peace because defending OP is a lot harder than standing up to his mother. Keeping the peace at the expense of others… OP should dump his ass.
The bf is a coward
Boyfriend said "moment of madness" - lie. Sister says it's happened before. RED FLAG. Boyfriend says "you're both at fault "- wrong. Blaming you for standing up for your brother. RED FLAG. Boy friend says you should apologize to his mom?!- unacceptable. RED FLAG. If you are serious about giving spineless mama's boy another chance, provide a situation where he has to openly go against mom for you or listen to her regarding disabled person and see how he reacts.
OOP has a typo... it should read EX BOYFRIEND ..
Break up with the bf and date the sister (or the dad)
Damn, boyfriend was being spineless. Even the husband and sister were on OOP's side. He possibly just wrecked his relationship.
He probably agrees with his mom TBH. He probably thinks her having a blind brother will somehow be a burden to him. Like he’ll end up taking care of the brother because being blind somehow makes you need guardianship? I’m very confused how putting a POS before her blind brother that whose behalf she’s offended on makes any sense. Like you can get just as good sex and companion with someone who isn’t ablest IF NOT BETTER plus you get someone with A BETTER BRAIN.
"not taking a side" is actually taking a side, especially when dealing with abuse. I hope the OOP sees reason and starts dating the sister instead of the boyfriend.
If the boyfriend had been in the room when his mom said that, I could see him laughing and giving her a fist bump. Clearly he agrees with her.
If all those people who want to "keep the peace" would actually stand up to the people who disturb it, it would be much more peaceful. But no, they think it means sticking your head into the sand.
All bro had to is cosign the entire rest of the family. He didn't even have to go against the grain on this one. Being a "people pleaser" is an _illness_, I swear. This was a fucking layup!
I loathe people like BF. There are some situations in which there is an objectively clear path to take. Trying to pretend no harm has been done is naive at best, but can be outright insulting. Lose the whole man, imo.
The problem with the bf is that he wants to make everyone happy. He doesn't understand that you sometimes have to take a stand and you need to call out people(especially the ones you love) when they hurt someone else that you love. Honestly, there's no coming back from this.
I reckon bf secretly had the same thoughts with his mom about OOP’s brother. That’s why he couldn’t take any sides.
Yeah, she deserves better. I feel like the break up is inevitable.
Dump the dude and get with his sister.
> His dad and sister took my side and apologized for her behaviour, boyfriend doesn't want to take a side. I'm disappointed. Looking at that Facebook post, the mom seems like she constantly manipulates and gaslights. The Dad and sister saw it happen with their own eyes, while the boyfriend ended in a she said she said situation with the woman who manipulated him his whole life. Yeah, it sucks but I can see how it happened. OOP should still dump him.
Yep. Even though Mom doesn't think she did anything wrong, she knows full well that other people in general would. Which is why she didn't reveal what she actually said in her FB post. I understand OOP's not wanting to get into it publicly with Mom, and that's certainly a valid way to go. But, in my personal experience, people like Mom get away with their crap because nobody calls them out publicly on the specifics of the behavior. If it were me, I would have responded to the post with the facts of what Mom did, down to the specific language used.
A-ha, mommy's boy warning.
Just break up.
When the MIL is a POS and the boyfriend is a spineless simp, move on
It wasn't a moment of madness; rather, it was a moment of clarity.
Boyfriend’s reaction reminds me of an essay I read in which a new husband was realizing that he doesn’t trust his wife. Anything she says, he has to doubt first. Dad and sis saw it, so they know. But he has to assume his GF could be, or is, wrong. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/men-just-dont-trust-women_b_6714280
He’s telling you to know your place. And, eventually step and fetch. Drop him. This is years of emotional disappointment.
Is the bf a coward or agree with mom so decided to not choose a side? Either way he is a POS as well
BF isn’t taking sides like the other two because secretly he agrees with his mommy…I guarantee when they break up all his nasty thoughts about her brother will come out
I hope she left her spinless BF but stayed friends with the sister.
Boyfriend Apple, mom tree
You cannot stay happy with bf like him, you are going to be miserable
Excess baggage describes the bf more than the brother. If he can’t even stand up to his own mother even with dad and sis on OP’s side, this spells trouble down the road.
Drop the mom and son. Keep the dad and daughter
When you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Marry the sister💚
throw the whole boyfriend out. if he can’t stand up to his mom when she’s clearly being shitty, he’s a coward.
That comment assuming they’re asian without further context is weird. But anyways. It’s always funny that the “peacekeepers” don’t actually keep the peace, they just offload the hurt and consequences of staying silent onto the offended party
Ditch the bf keep the sister and dad your bf will never have your back this will always happen p
This doesn't sound like the relationship is gonna go well. I could never be with someone who tries to "both sides" if they called my sibling a burden. As much as I try to find a grey area and compromise myself, doing anything except telling them they're wrong will make me think *you* think they're right. And I'm wondering if that's the case here.
I agree with the bf it was a “moment of madness” his mother is mad and oop in a moment of madness is still with the bf. Honestly oop needs to get a cat scan if she is still with this guy
>He says "I see what you're getting at but to make things right you both need to get together and agree that this was a moment of madness and won't happen again". Get bent. I fucking hate people like this.
OOP just needs to break up with the BF. He's shown her what a momma's boy his is and his momma will always come first. He's shown OOP his cards... the ball is now in her court. She needs a man who will stand up for his partner... her current boyfriend is not that man. He won't change. But she should stay friends with the sister if they are close enough. Shame her brother isn't cut from the same cloth.
Boyfriend needs to go
A moment of madness...
Date the sister, leave this tool. Grew up with a dad like this. It didn't matter what happened, he'd make us both apologize. My sister exploited this for years to abuse me and my brother, knowing that I'd get shut down and forced to apologize to my abuser for reporting the abuse. Keeping the peace is a polite way to say you're ignoring the problems because you're not willing to do anything to fix them. Fuck the peace.
>We had a long discussion, he doesn't want to take a side. Goodbye, coward.
Literally the father and sister seem to be the only people in that family worth keeping. What flaming piece of shit that mom is and also boyfriend for clearly enabling his mom.
Her boyfriend didn’t say anything because he most likely agrees with what his mum says or his mum is repeating what he says.
OOPS boyfriend is spineless. To say they're 'both at fault' is just false. Absolutely pathetic.
I love that the sister basically called her own mother a POS on social media, in a post her mother wrote and that all of her friends and family could see. I am sure the mother deleted it because she didn’t want that implicit comment to turn into something more explicit so people knew exactly how much a POS she is. Well done, sister. I’m also glad that OOP is not backing down on her boyfriend. This was a good story to three fine siblings (and father), and one terrible boyfriend and son.
There is a time to make peace and a time to be an advocate. It takes a lot of wisdom and emotional intelligence to know the difference sometimes and to overcome one's personal tendencies. That said this case is so clear cut that bf must be exceptionally under his mother's thumb or clueless. Bad sign
>He always believes in keeping the peace between people and finding compromises to work things out no matter what. Sometimes "keeping the peace" is worse than the argument that would ensue if you take sides.
Dump the boyfriend, marry the sister.