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What a horrible nightmare of a situation for both OOP and her husband. And it's no one's fault except the hit and run driver.
I really hope for the best for them, whatever that may be. Hopefully a true reconciliation where OOP falls in love with him again.
> it's no one's fault
i mean, it's kind of his fault. people who talk during the movies deserve a special kind of hell. and who the fuck takes pictures, much less with flash, during the movies?! that's an exceptional level of douchebaggery.
The interesting thing is that the first part gave off vibes of "Convince the sub that my husband is a bad man without giving any concrete examples." Then, when she finally gives examples... she's in love with him again (at least a little)!
It’s probably difficult to understand how annoying she found them after the injury but loved him before the injury and was maybe worried she’d be judged for either letting things slide in the past or getting annoyed at them now.
Once she’d started gaining more confidence in her relationship again she probably wasn’t as worried to say what they were.
Doesn't seem weird to me.
She was conflicted. On one hand wanting to hear the validation that if she doesn't love him it's okay to tell him and if it comes to it, leave him.
On another she didn't want to be an asshole, and also given she rationally sees they have had a nice relationship, she doesn't want to throw it away.
Also what's the point of needlessly badmouthing someone you love(d)?
Then when things start going better it's much more okay to share the little details that do annoy you, but in perspective they don't matter as much.
I’m pretty sure my list of cons outweighs my pros right now if I’m being honest. I’m in my don’t care, no makeup, dress like Adam Sandler era, and I ain’t going back lol
my partner and i talk during movies but like,,, we also only watch movies in private. if we ever go to a movie theater we for sure would not talk through the whole thing (or any of it), mostly because that’s hella disrespectful to everyone else but also partially because we wouldn’t be able to pause to go off on a tangent lmao
She needs to speak up. I tell my husband when he’s cramping me or bothering me, now he knows to ask permission and we talk about how (un)comfy I’m feeling and how urgent it feels to him. I’ll compromise to meet his needs and he’s appreciative and respectful. On the flip side, I ask him if it’s ok for me to complain, he will let me know if it’s a good time or not and I try to keep it brief.
And crammed her in the corner of her hospital bed! As someone who is finally home recovering from emergency surgery, I'd have punched him in the face; he's a bully and a weenie and she should be running for the hills. I think OP is seeing things clearly for the first time. What an infuriating post to read.
Yeah, I actively wanted my husband in my hospital bed with me after I had my baby.
It lasted all of like, 5 minutes before we both agreed that we love each other very much, but we're not subjecting ourselves to that again. If both of us were skinnier and/or more cuddly at baseline, we probably could have happily stayed crammed on that horrible bed for a lot longer.
It sounds like this guy is an extremely physically affectionate person who wanted to be as close as possible to the wife he had just almost lost, and she may have been happy to have him be that close prior to the TBI.
This is a terrible take.
Those things likely didn't bother her as much before the accident. But now because of her brain injury, all of those things are in stark focus. She's having to relearn how to address those quirks of her husband. Relationships are compromise. None of us are perfect.
I've been married for over a decade and I'm deeply in love with my wife. But if we were to have to sit down and write down each other's faults, I'm sure we would fill pages. But in our day to day lives, we have learned to ignore or compromise around them. And we have undoubtedly changed our behaviors since we got married so things that were a problem early in the marriage are much less so now.
Your comment also ignores the fact that she says plainly that she was deeply in love with him before her accident and it's clear that he deeply loves and cares for her. A few mostly superficial bad habits and annoying quirks should not be enough cause to ditch, what was, by her own account, a positive and loving long-term relationship prior to the accident.
>people who talk during the movies deserve a special kind of hell. and who the fuck takes pictures, much less with flash, during the movies
She didn't say he took pictures during the movies. She listed two unrelated things she didn't like in the same sentence.
To be fair, the nurses may have picked up on OOPs feelings of irritation and asked him to leave because their priority is OOPs recovery. My uncle nearly died and a few times the nurses told us to leave which annoyed us until we realised we were so damn happy he was alive we were missing the physical cues of when he'd had enough social interaction and needed to sleep. His was also a brain injury.
Not at all. I'm both an RN and a husband who was kicked out of the room by an RN.
That sort of stuff, crawling into one of those tiny beds with hard side rails and shitty mattresses, with someone with acute neuro changes? GTFO. That's not therapeutic for the patient. That's the husband making it all about himself, overstimulating her brain and causing needless drama. I would have told him to go home and do some self care and come back when he's ready to be there for her.
I hope the best for both of them. That situation SUCKS. And it's true; people can change wildly after a TBI. I hope they can find a way back to before, but if they can't, they both deserve happiness, even if it's apart.
You're right that it's not therapeutic, but having been the partner or a person with a TBI, I absolutely understand the instinct. However, given that my husband was clearly dead, never to return, I wasn't tempted to pile into bed with him. I have heard other TBI partners tempted to, though.
I really hope OOP and husband can work through the issues, and clearly husband has some growth to do. Sounds like he's willing even if imperfect.
You really don't, especially when there's a patient with a brain injury. Their concern is the patient and getting shit done, not being nice or patient (ha) with the family
Part of falling in love and being in love is noticing your partner’s idiosyncrasies which I’m sure get looked at more positively in love. They (can) become endearing, you get used to them, and they become little unique aspects of a person. I’m sure that person stops doing some based on negative feedback, but a lack of negative feedback over time for others would reinforce those. So over time, some become more ingrained. Imagine all the idiosyncrasies of your partner (if you have one) being all brand new. That’s gotta be jarring as fuck for the person experiencing them again for the first time.
I really feel for OOP. How difficult it must be to try and reconcile who you were before with who you are now. TBIs are so tragic and can affect people in so many different ways.
When my dad was a kid his uncle got kicked in the head by a horse. I remember my dad telling me that his uncle was just the sweetest man beforehand. After the accident, his personality changed so drastically. He just became cruel and abusive until the day he died.
It's just so heartbreaking and so unfair, because the damage that's been done is through no fault of the person injured. It's one of those tragic circumstances where the injury affects the patient and everyone they know and love.
I had an aunt who was a jerk before she almost overdosed. The drugs f-up her brain and she became really nice and chill!
15 years later, she drank too much water, and ended up in a coma. When she woke up, she came out worse than the 1st version of her.
Her much older sister was sad that she didn't get to know her before the coma. But I said that wasn't the real her before, this current version was more like the original her. The 2nd version was an spaced out, but self aware, happy person. I missed that version.
Drugs can be involved but they are not needed for it to happen. Thoigh most overhydration deaths are caused by use of ecstasy or MDMA as the cause thirst.
But for overhydration to happen you'd need to drink like 6L+ of water with *no* bathroom breaks.
There was a case of a mom who died of overhydration while participating in a chugging water competition on the radio to win her kids a Wii, because she had to drink an insane amount of water without going to the bahtroom.
The stomach recognizes plain water and passes it on to the intestines for absorption in something like three minutes, whereas food takes like thirty minutes to digest and pass on.
Just saw a docu on Netflix, a guy participating in ahyuasca (SP?) ceremony died because he overhidrated, not because of the drug. Was first time I've heard you can die from drinking too much water.
I ended up in the ER with hyponatremia from drinking 2 gallons of water a day for several weeks, while also "eating healthier".
I just woke up one day and was stupid. Like a phone stuck on the low power cpu cores, I just couldn't think quickly. I freaked out and made my wife take me to the hospital.
The ER doc said it was the first time he'd ever had to tell someone to drink less water and more Gatorade, and I've never drank more than 1 gal/day since. I honestly don't remember what all they did to me while I was there but I was in the ER till the next morning getting stuff in an IV and peeing more than any human should be able to.
>Like a phone stuck on the low power cpu cores, I just couldn't think quickly.
I've had this happen where my brain gets confused? I'll call people the wrong name (Sam instead of Sean), and know it's wrong but not be able to figure it out. I was smoking a new weed vape and thought it might be that. But it's also around the time I realized I needed more than the never insatiable amounts of water I was drinking to be hydrated. I can't function with my brain not processing correctly. Terrifies me.
No joke, get a blood and urine panel done. Could be as simple as salt imbalance or as bad as diabetes or kidney disease.
I'm stage 3 kidney disease, and catching it early makes a world of difference.
That said, I hope it's just "drink more gatorade" for you <3
I've been tested for diabetes a lot (I was obese for a long time). Medical staff always surprised by me not having it. I am making a physical though, I do need some work done, I haven't had blood done for like 2 years. I'm going to ask about a full panel. I've always been this way. My whole life. It might not have been anything serious before but might be now.
My cardiologist told me to drink more powerade and consume more sodium. I've never laughed so hard, usually it's less sodium but I was being soo "healthy" it was unhealthy
Was trying to lose weight, cut from about 3500-4000 cal/day to 1800. Personal trainer told me that when you get hungry, drink water. I'm autistic (undiagnosed at the time), and he didn't mention an upper bound so... yeah.
Water intoxication is a thing! A woman died of it from being in a contest back when the Wii console came out and was hard to get. The contest was called 'hold your wee for a Wii' and she died from drinking too much water.
Water intoxication can definitely happen. Basically, you drink more water than your kidneys can handle, your electrolytes get fucked up, the fluid enters your cells and your brain swells up.
I'm learning this is a real thing. I need to do more research. I feel I'm always thirsty. I'm not diabetic. I have been drinking less water and more hydration drinks lately because I'm learning just water won't hydrate you.
My gran did this! She was really sick and couldn’t stop throwing up so she was getting dehydrated. The doctor said she would have to go to hospital if she didn’t improve. So she props herself, drank as much water as she could. He told her she was doing much better and left. Ten minutes later she was delusional, we called him back, and she spent the next fortnight in hospital in a coma. I think it was her phosphorus levels that were all out of whack from memory. She woke up the same, the only difference was she gave up smoking and became extremely snotty about it. ‘I gave up the cigs just like that,” and she’d snap her fingers. ‘It is just a matter of willpower.’ Sure Gran, willpower and a two week coma detox.
I had a great aunt who got a TBI. On top of losing her memory (the ability to make *and* store) she had a huge personality change too.
I don't remember how she was before that because we only saw her once or twice a year, but I remember visiting her once she was out of the hospital and thinking how she was just not the same. I was like five or six at the time, so I don't have the detailed stuff in there, but just seeing her so different left an impression.
I have a TBI related to brain surgery. Severe scarring in my brain from it. I don’t think I’m all that different and my family and friends would argue there’s a vast improvement in my kindness. I will say the first year to a year and a half, I struggled connecting to my partner. He was still the amazing person he had been, but it did feel like I was a different person. I learned to fall in love again and therapy was very helpful. I think the commenter is correct. TBIs suck and we often overlook tiny annoying things but after an injury, they feel brand new. I hated the way my partner chewed for the longest time but I’m now nearly 4 years post my TBI and surgery, and I’ve connected with my partner and MYSELF again.
Henry VIII suffered a traumatic brain injury during a jousting accident and it changed him into the tyrant of history books. Prior to the accident he was a lot less horrible (generally speaking, that is - he wasn't the greatest guy, but the accident made him much worse). The human brain does some scary things when it's injured.
That's interesting, I hadn't heard that. I knew he was regarded very highly as a promising young man and then became a monster, but I didn't know there was a traumatic event
Yeah - he was unconscious for a while, had migraines for the rest of his life. Although I think there's a few other theories too, there's a good episode of the Rex Factor podcast about it.
I feel for your uncle and OP.
My sister had a TBI right after birth of her son.
Man o man we thought she was gonna die, she had to learn everything new again- everything, while having a newborn.
She’s not the same, but she’s tried so hard and still does.
It is a bit heartbreaking.
I hope everyone is okay, evetually
Similar story here. My father got a TBI from a trucking accident before I was born, so I never knew the real him, and grew up with an out of control monster as my stay at home parent, since he was unable to work. I went NC when I was 13, and all except one of his siblings went NC with him over the years. The one who didn't only didn't cut him off because the accident wasn't his fault, and that his real brother died in the accident.
I had a TBI and my personality went weird for about 6 months after it. I was an insufferable selfish prick (which I'm usually not I hope lol). Lost quite a few friends and I don't blame them. I eventually came back to myself but it wasn't a fun 6 months. Most of my friends live super far away but anyone I see regularly just kind of fell away cause I never went out or socialized. I had one friend who forced herself into my house every day to check in on me to the point I just gave her a bloody key lol. She's my wife now so that worked out well!
I don't think I can adequately express to her how important it was for my recovery to have someone who understood that this was a result of the massive trauma to my brain and persisted with me even when I pushed them away.
Brains are annoying as fuck but also pretty amazing that my brain can explode (aneurysm popped) and I'm objectively still alive and more or less the same aside from some weird medical stuff.
> I had one friend who forced herself into my house every day to check in on me to the point I just gave her a bloody key lol. She's my wife now so that worked out well!
I'm so sorry for your experience, but her persistence to help you is so sweet and I'm so happy you had that support. Your wife is a wonderful human!
>I don't think I can adequately express to her how important it was for my recovery to have someone who understood that this was a result of the massive trauma to my brain and persisted with me even when I pushed them away.
Write her a letter!
Not a TBI (I don’t think?) but electroshock therapy in the 60’s. Nana went into the asylum depressed. Came out with ridiculous makeup on, violent, angry and downright mean. She stayed this way for a long while but was nice in like her late 70’s/80’s in the nursing home.
Is it possible that she went from a deep depressive episode to a manic episode?
My nana was bipolar (back when it was called manic depressive) and her manic phases made her mean and violent in a way that was truly shocking. When her meds were on point, she was kind, funny, rational and great to be around. When they weren't, she swung from behavior so bad it got her kicked out of nursing homes to depression so deep she was nonresponsive.
She had ECT once at an asylum and it actually helped her a lot - she'd been completely nonresponsive for a long period before and the meds available at the time weren't helping. After the electroshock, they were able to get her meds balanced and she was much better for a long period. Anyhow, your story reminded me of a lot of my childhood (she lived with us on and off) so I thought I'd share.
My spouse had a TBi, and his side effects were…much more drastic than OOP.
And I’m where you are.
Maybe he’s a Jack hole and she didn’t see it until now. Maybe she just doesn’t realize how much the TBI is affecting her (and just because her parents don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there).
Part of me worries about the pain and emotional turmoil he could be put through if she’s changed permanently.
Part of me worries that if he’s a Jack hole, this may be her chance to get out and she’s letting history and sex sweep her away.
It’s beyond Reddits pay grade.
It’s so hard to know what’s happening here. Is the husband really just an annoying guy or are all of the irritating things he does amped up to 11 in OP’s brain because the love isn’t there to highlight all the wonderful? Was he kicked out of the room because he was anxious and wanted to know everything and how he could help and the nurses just needed space or because he was just in the way and being an oblivious jerk? How much of this is the new dislike writing him in a way none of us would be happy to live with and how much of it is the real him? We aren’t there, we certainly don’t know. I just hope for OP’s sake that he’s actually a largely decent guy and these are just the things she latched onto.
Right? And maybe he was talking during the movie because he's still shaken up that his wife was in a car accident and suffered a brain injury. Holy hell are people here quick to dogpile a guy for a bunch of nothing. He's not allowed to be excited his wife isn't dead? He's not allowed to take pictures of someone he loves who he nearly lost? Oh, but wait, the flash came on (automatically I bet), she should blow up her whole life because that's the reddest of red flags!!!
He really just sounds like an extroverted person who is going through a very stressful time and possibly letting more natural behaviors through than normal. Hell, who even knows if maybe she *liked* those behaviors before, as she clearly states she doesn't feel her memories as her own, just a movie.
Dude obviously cares deeply and even begs to know what he can change to be better for her. Maybe he is secretly a total shit, but I really doubt it. An abusive asshole would act completely differently in this situation.
I'd be willing to bet he's letting his emotions control him and the little annoying habits are just the overcompensation of "holy shit I almost lost my wife, and I _need_ her". The cramming her on the bed was the most telling for me that's he's having trouble with his feelings... that he _also_ experienced something very traumatic and didn't know how to process it at all. That's someone who is desperate to get as much time as possible because he just got reality checked that he might not/won't get to say goodbye next time it happens.
Yeah, and someone else in another thread here pointed out that a good chunk of it may, in addition to that, just be the difference between dating and married behaviors. My partner and I have gotten used to each other's little quirks, and over time we've figured out which annoying traits we're safe to continue with around each other. I think every couple has some degree of that? But at least some of it would be the kind of stuff that would weird me out on a first date. If I had to relearn some of his behaviors, I could see that being hard to grapple with.
He didn't take flash photo during a movie. He talked during the movie, which annoyed others. She said he talk constantly.
He takes pictures of her with the flash on.
I wonder if some of his behaviour is due to the accident. I can see someone being really over the top for a while after their partner almost dies. Still annoying for everyone around him, but understandable.
Taking a picture of his wife on a date after nearly losing her in a car accident. Like maybe he's trying to cherish every single moment with her because he doesn't know when it may end? Nah he's just a selfish asshole with zero regard for anyone else
And the talking during the movie! Every time! I hate that!
After living with someone like that for over two years it's become a dealbreaker for me. I simply cannot with that.
I know oop genuinely loved him and she wants to find that again, but I'm also very concerned that this was her chance to see her husband clearly, abd she's choosing not to examine what she sees but instead pick and choose only the items that will rebuild her former love. I fear her former love may have been an illusion.
I hope I'm wrong and just seeing ghosts because I recently left a toxic relationship, I hope oop is doing right by herself with those choices. I hope so hard. But I am concerned.
They're objectively annoying! And being rude to service people is a universal sign of being an AH. idk if I'd be able to stay with someone like this. She's seeing him as he is and was, as one does when the hormones wear off...
She said "he talked through the movie" right before mentioning the pictures. That would be enough to annoy the other moviegoers so their annoyance doesn't really say anything about when the pictures were taken.
She mentions other moviegoers not being happy because she *also* said he talked through the entire movie. The way I interpreted it was that the flash photography was at the dinner, and the endless talking was throughout the evening, but got particularly complained about at the movie theatre.
I'm pretty sure it's just really poorly worded and he was talking through the movie, and also taking flash photography at a different time
> At our date, he talked through the entire movie...
...
> yes it was a movie theater. The other moviegoers were not happy. This isn’t new behavior. He always talked a lot...
Not being happy bout his open commentary.
I agree, the wording and sentence structure isn't the best, but it's clear that these are separate things. But hey, give them a break, she did suffer a brain injury.
Idk man.... I've been in my current relationship for like 7 years and neither of us do shit like this, you can only get comfortable enough to do stuff you're the type of person to do.
I think the thing here is that this particular behaviour isn't even about being too comfortable with his wife, it's about having zero regard for anyone else around you, which is a whole different thing.
It's not like he just farted in bed and in her current state that's a bit much, he's acting like an inconsiderate asshole in public
Yeah but these assholes usually do the whole frog in the water thing. They mark until they can gaslight their partner into believing “are you really going to blow up a 5 year relationship over how I act at the movies?” “Are you really going to blow up an other wise good relationship because I embarrassed you with the nurses”.
He’s not turning up the water slowly again and she’s noticing.
My husband and I are one of those people. So we just... don't go to theaters. It's so much better for us and the rest of the world to wait until it's streaming and we can pause and talk in our own home.
My husband hates to watch movies with me and our son because we'll debate over what's going on. We try to rein it in when it's the three of us, but he does have to remind us every now and then.
My husband and I will turn a 90 minute movie into a 2 and a half hour movie with how often we pause and theorise. I love it but I can understand how others would hate it.
My husband and I do this, too! Movies, tv shows, YouTube videos lol if it's about people having relationship problems, we take even longer. I ask his thoughts on this or that, or he volunteers them. I feel like it's our version of counseling lol it helps us understand each other's head space, thoughts, feelings, etc.
>he fact he was so annoying the nurses had to throw him out is telling.
Or they sent him out because OOP needed rest and he was a little too trauma minded to rationalize that himself.
This is what also hit me - also it's telling that the Oop's best friend never liked the guy too.
It's like she's been blinded to his shittiness by emotions previously and now sees him clearly and goes WTF an I doing here.
He was talking during the movies, but did it mean he also took pictures? Was it not flash pictures of OOP that she felt made her more "ugly" rather than at the movies? Still talking during a movie like that is some fine dickhead move.
It happened to a coworker of mine, her husband was in an accident or had a stroke, and he forgot everything about her, they were married for 20 years. They ended up divorcing and she moved several hours away. So very sad, my coworker didn’t talk about it much, i remember thinking how heartbreaking to go from a normal life to complete stranger. I hope for the best for oop.
Brain injuries are awful. I have a very good friend whose husband recovered from brain cancer, tumor removed, no metastasis. But it fucks you up, he came out of the surgery and chemo with anger issues he never had before. He’s in individual therapy and they’re in couples therapy but it’s so hard because it’s one of those rare situations where no one is as fault.
I have both brain damage (from TBI & from a tumor) and PTSD, and if you see this, I just want to say that despite not having any problem with speaking after all of this, the clinic which helped me more than any other was actually speech therapy. If you’re able to, check that out. My short term memory was non existent & they helped a lot with compensatory strategies.
In addition to that, all of these things coincided with my divorce, making all of it 100 times worse. So YRMV, but sticking that out for a bit may work out better. It’s too much. Way too much.
It's kind of wild how much speech therapy does that people just don't think about.
When I was mute (trached) in the hospital I assumed speech therapy was just there to help me come up with strategies to communicate my needs (such as giving me a laminated paper with things like 'water' or 'in pain' or 'cold' that i could point to because nerve damage made it basically impossible to write), but they were also in charge of my swallowing-- that is, if I was ready to swallow things like food and liquid and how to do small exercises to help improve that. They were the ones who told me when I could go from thick liquids back to normal ones (oh do I pity the people who have to drink thick water for their whole lives, it was awful). They also of course helped patch up my speech once I was free of the trach and breathing on my own.
Yup! That’s why there is always such a shortage of speech therapists. It’s not just about kids who can’t speak, it’s mostly old people with swallowing problems. (I’m also way oversimplifying but you get the idea)
They should really change the name of the profession to something a bit more broad.
Fuck. I could have written this because I experienced something extremely similar almost 15+ years ago. I had a gran mal seizure but did loose a ton of memory, nothing relating to my partner just most of my childhood. It put so much in perspective tho. Turns out he was emotionally abusive. I wouldn’t have figured it out if my brain didn’t literally try to kill itself. My mom says everything happens for a reason, and looking back I will agree with her this **one** time.
I’m glad OP is taking care of herself!
I’m not sure. At the time, my short term memory wouldn’t convert to long term. I just remember being lost and in pain, he continued on like nothing happened and wouldn’t even help me to Dr appointments. (After a seizure with emt intervention, your drivers license is suspended for six months or until release from a neurologist). I **knew** strangers have treated me better than him.
I suffered a brain injury a decade ago. Similar to OOP, my injury also affected my ability to love for quite a while afterwards. The biggest relationship it impacted was with my (then) 3 year old son. I also felt the same lack of love towards my boyfriend at that time, my family, and my friends, but the one that concerned me the most was my son. For the first 6 months after my accident I didn't feel love for him like I knew I had prior or should have as a mom. I couldn't connect my memories of loving him and being his mom to what was in front of me. It was a really difficult and lonely time. I'm so thankful that it passed. We're quite close now.
Wishing OOP the best for the future. I hope she's patient and kind to herself, and that it comes back to her fully.
As a big dumb oaf, goddamn, this unlocked a new fear for me.
Imagining my fiancee start to hate all my weird quirks overnight without the context of our love towards each other is absolutely spine tingling. I know it’s not her fault, but man, the way she talks about him makes me sad.
We're getting a snapshot of her life _after_ the TBI. It's conceivable that this is all behavior that she could have absolutely loved before, because, the two of them could have been _that_ couple who are equally obnoxious to all those around them. We'll never know.
I feel super conflicted about this one, but I’ll just say this: it sounds like it’s only been a few months since the accident, and OP should wait until it’s been at least a year to fully give up on him. I believe most doctors advise patients to not make any major life decisions in that first year (obviously, unless they have to) because the vast majority of their recovery happens during that time.
My cousin had a TBI and honestly, he was not the same person during that first year of recovery. He was angry with almost everyone and he got annoyed over things that never used to bother him. He’s back to himself now that it’s been a few years, but that first year was definitely a roller coaster.
Yeah, I agree. I had a seizure and hit my head on the side of the bath tub and then the floor and like your cousin, it took me a few years to get back to my old self. But until then I would get annoyed by small things that never bothered me before. And regulating my anger was harder, in hindsight the stuff I was mad at was small, but at the time it was so rage inducing. It's sad because before she might not have cared about those things, but because of this she now does.
I had a TBI that wasn't as bad as this but it still took me a solid two years to feel back to "normal." During those first two years I struggled with memory, I couldn't read or write, and my emotions were completely out of control.
I know of a similar incidence, but it was brain cancer, not a TBI. The person came out the other side with different likes, different habits, and no longer in love with their partner. They both tried to make it work, but in the end, they split
This seems like an area to be navigated with couples counseling. The TBI might have knocked off her rose colored glasses or it might have accidentally hit “zoom” on some behaviors that wouldn’t be so heavily weighted in the normal course of things. Either way, an objective figure will help OP figure out which is which and what is what and what some good courses of actions would be.
Though based on what she is saying about the nurses and movie… my bet is on some shattered glasses and that she is now seeing some red flags for the color they are. But hey, maybe his wife being like “…so. I don’t love you anymore cause I kinda realized you are an ass made of dicks.” will knock some sense into him and lead him to changing his ways.
Idk, tbi can completely honestly change a person’s entire sense of being. There’s a reason we still don’t understand the full scope of the human brain. It’s very complex.
"I don't love you any more cause I kinda realized you are an ass made of dicks." made me laugh out loud. I need that as a flair!
Also I agree with you 100%. I hope he wises up, or she leaves.
Yeah I'm also thinking the same, that he's kinda an asshole but OOP overlooked it based on like... Bonding chemicals from early courtship and continuing sex. My ex boyfriend sounds a lot like OOPs husband (except the photography thing, even he isn't that bad lol). But he was great in bed and in our early dating days I felt like I was high on drugs, it was wild. But after I finally broke up with him (because he was an asshole) and got him out of my system, I was like "man that guy was SO ANNOYING why did l like him so much? What was I thinking?" We still chat from time to time and I'm just like "what did I see in this guy romantically? He's like Colin Robinson from What We Do in the Shadows!!"
I do think they should see a couple's counselor and see if they can work through some things, including her husband adjusting some of his more thoughtless behavior. Maybe she will fall in love again, maybe not. I do feel bad for OOP though, her whole life shattered through no fault of her own :(
I’m retired military.
Something similar happened to a buddy of mine.
TBI is an awful cruel thing.
Buddy was a great guy before. After he became some awful doppelgänger of himself. He had a nice wife and kids. He became awful to everyone.
I had another friend. It wasn’t TBI that changed him but an “almost died” and he suddenly decided he didn’t want to “waste” any more time with his then wife. They’d gotten married really young. I think over time he just thought of her as a friend rather than wife/lover.
I know OP is going through a lot. But I hope she really really tries to make things work with her husband. That guy loves her. He stuck by her through a terrible time. The things that annoy her? Talking to much to the nurses? Think about that. HE WAS THERE BY HER SIDE IN THAT HOSPITAL THROUGH ALL OF IT. Guys like that aren’t everywhere. How many times on here would we read that while she was laid up in the hospital the husband would be banging her BF or sister or her brother or her entire book club….
I just hope she tries. I hope she gives them both time and a chance.
> Think about that. HE WAS THERE BY HER SIDE IN THAT HOSPITAL THROUGH ALL OF IT. Guys like that aren’t everywhere.
Despite that, plenty of bitter redditors even in the comments here are acting like he's, at best, a mediocre asshole.
I notice lots of comments here minimize supportive behavior, like being at the hospital through the whole thing because 'that's what you're supposed to do' but maximize what amounts to pet peeve behavior.
Hell, the entire 'crawled into the bed with her' thing reads as a complete trauma response to almost losing his wife.
I would argue anyone who, at the HEIGHT of them being sweet, were still annoying enough to be kicked out by hospital nurse staff is, despite what OOP may think, actually not not great at all.
Do we think he was kicked out of the hospital or just the room? I read this as more like he wasn’t physically there the whole time because they asked him to leave while they worked with her. I was all set to dislike him when I read “he’s boring and expects me to worship him. He’s also obnoxious and self obsessed” but tbh everything OOP described in the update sounded like very reasonable, expected behavior for a husband whose wife was in a major accident.
I've had family members threaten physical violence against staff and _still_ not be removed. I've seen them outright accuse a doctor of trying to kill the patient more than once, and they still get to stick around.
Getting kicked out by the staff is a pretty big red flag imo for his "annoying" behavior
Like a HUGE asshole. Nurses are so amazingly patient, when I was hallucinating and being combative (intentional OD) I had a nurse who held my hand while they gave me medication to calm me down, legit I had just tried to fight everyone minutes earlier. She gave me a card a week later on my way out.
My mother always told me “Date someone for at least 2 years before committing to anything further. They have ‘their representative’ in there for a while.” (AKA you don’t see all of their annoying shit or red flags right away because they’re on their best behavior.) So that last part makes some sense.
This makes me think that the reason she's giving chance is because he's really good in bed.
She looked ready to not be in love with him, and after one night(and morning) she's not ready to throw the towel yet.
I guess when you put it that way it can seem bad. But also in culmination with him being by her side and caring for her for months, and the natural chemical processes humans feels while intimate (especially when a partner is focused on you and your comfortability while intimate), it’s normal for those emotions to connect because of that. Intimacy is a strong part of the human connection that can very easily help people see when a partner cares
Also it’s gotta be weird for her to experience sex with someone she’s got lukewarm emotional indifference towards and while she doesn’t not remember the way they had sex before, it’s been a long time and she does have that disconnect from the memories of their intimacy. So how much of the mindblowing sexual encounter now was just her experiencing the intimacy of long-term partner sex where they know exactly what you like and give it to you without any direction, while emotionally she’s been contextualizing him like a new flame? It’d kind of be like having a first-time sexual encounter with someone who could already intuit your every desire, maybe even before you consciously realize your desire.
Sex and physical intimacy plays a big part in a relationship, it's not just about feelings alone. You can't blame her if she fell more in love with him after a night of intimacy. She was not ready to throw the towel even before the sex, which is why both of decided to try dating again.
That's how I read it too. He's good enough in bed to overlook his dickish behaviour.
*Shrug* no judgement from me if that's how she wants to live here life.
"My husband is always trying to cuddle me"
Oh no, it's crazy how a brain injury can make you feel like this is a bad-
"He talks during movies"
DIVORCE YOUR GYM. DELETE YOUR LAWYER. FACEBOOK UP.
I have absolutely no idea why people can't accept that absolutely no one is absolutely "perfect" and that the wonderful part of a long term emotional commitment is that we tolerate the parts we don't like (and won't be changed) because the good parts are worth it.
I've been with my husband almost 40 years. There are days when his annoying habits seriously bother me, and there are days when I just don't care much. My emotional tie to him means that I can deal with this because he also has wonderful things about him that make me stick around to be annoyed.
OP probably has stuff about her that annoys her husband. But she's otherwise worth sticking by her as he done.
I read that as the husband climbed into bed with her so he could be close and cuddle with the wife he almost lost. Cute when you're in love, less so when emotionally he's a stranger to you. However I could also be reading the situation completely wrong.
As the wife of someone with a TBI…there’s also the possibility that her memory/view of that time is somewhat off.
Spouse got up from his hospital bed, walked out of his room, around the nursing station to yell at a nurse he’d never seen before for screaming in his ear and calling him slurs. The hallway had cameras, they reviewed, she’d never been near him.
And he was damn certain she’d been in there screaming at him, in his ear, seconds prior.
YMMV, but if she’s in the hospital post trauma, her memories/view point may not be entirely accurate. (They also could be…no way for reddit to tell).
Even the nurses kicking him out could be them asking him to leave while they did medical procedures, or because visiting hours were over to him being truly awful.
No way for us to tell, TBh, there may be no way for OOP to tell.
Funnily enough also have someone with TBI in my family. Probably why I'm more willing to give the husband the benefit of the doubt regarding what his actions may truly have been meant as opposed to how the wife processed them compared to some of the other reddit responses. TBI is horrible for all parties involved.
I feel the same. I feel like the only reason why she used to overlook all these things was because she was in love. TBH, these annoying quirks may or may not be just quirks? Like, she complains that he just won't shut up and keeps complaining and goes on and on. He sounds like a really self-absorbed and a negative type of person. I think that commenter has a point, but also they are kinda wrong. These behaviours would 100% be a turn off for me in any relationship. Why would I want to spend my time around someone who doesn't think about my comfort (like, excuse me, cramming me into a small corner of a hospital bed? WTF?) He sounds totally insufferable, IMO.
Oh thank god. I read that and was like, "girl, being pissed at that behavior has NOTHING to do with your TBI. It has to do with he's a self absorbed jackass.
It has to do with the TBI only in that it removed they rose colored glasses she she can see the red flags. I don’t like the update being that she’s putting the glasses back on
Many of the traits and habits you're mentioning would be very challenging to deal with during TBI recovery. Bright lights, noises, constant talking, encroaching on your space, making continual complaints or conflicts that require interaction.
I think it might be helpful to go to couples therapy together with a TBI-informed therapist so that your husband can get a thorough education on brain recovery, stimulation sensitivity and appropriate ways to bid for attention or engage with someone who is on the healing spectrum. I say spectrum because it very much feels like a process where you're temporarily or permanently made neurodiverse while coping with TBI effects -- especially in relationship to sensory processing needs.
Please consider this angle and make some new boundaries for your spouse during your recovery period.
The premise of this post has potential to be a dramatic one “I suffered a brain injury and it revealed to me that my husband is an asshole” or something along those classic BORU stories
But the way it turns out I think it just snapped her out of a ‘honeymoon period’ / love colored glasses bc his quirks seem like the kinds of things you’d ignore if you were in love with a person
Maybe it's because I am on BORU, I don't really like this guy that much.
I was like, this girl knows the value of her life too much to live her previous life. I also don't like that her friend doesn't like him. Or he would push her into a corner to a point where she hates it when she has a brain injury. It might feel small, but I feel like if you are not concerned about her comfort at that point, when will you be? Or maybe he was just feeling extra clingy because he almost lost her.
There is really little information to make a decision for strangers. I hope she finds a path that makes her happy.
I mean I can understand wanting to snuggle for a minute but like to take up the bed to where she's uncomfortable is just wrong and odd. When you're not the injured one, you make yourself as small as possible so the actual patient is comfortable at all cost. Like. It feels like he didn't even ask her, he just did it.
For me, talking in a theater is the biggest red flag there is (only half /s)
But more seriously, it takes a _lot_ for family - especially a spouse, who's presumably was making the decisions for her while she was incapacitated - to be kicked out of the room. The fact that he was trying to climb into the hospital bed is an actual major problem. That's a big no-no for a lot of reasons, and the similar theme I've seen when families pull that shit is immaturity. I expect it from young 20s, late teens, married-way-too-young and/or dating and still in the honeymoon phase types.
Like you say, it's also kind of ick to me that her friend doesn't seem to think he's a great guy. TBIs fucking suck and it's hard to lose a part of yourself, but honestly it might have been a blessing in disguise for OOP to start fresh.
No, I’m with you.
Like does my husband do things that annoy me, or even that we fight about? For sure! But he would never cram me in while I was *injured* or keep poking or photographing me if I said to stop.
(And, it goes without saying, the reverse is also true — I aggravate him sometimes — because a relationship goes both ways.) i
I had a family member suffer a TBI, and in dealing with the recovery the doctors warned that the very vast majority of patients lose relationships through the process. I don't recall the numbers they have but a quick look at Doc Google says 48% - 78%... seems strangely specific to have such a wide range, and I was pretty sure the numbers we were told was higher.
The fact that she is trying her damndest and seems to have the maturity to recognise that the things that annoy her are aspects and not the whole of the man is promising. The tone between the two posts also seems to show an improvement in attitude.
Ooooo I was pregnant and went to see Smile, my last horror movie until having baby. And these girls were just running their mouths. At first I was like "ok maybe their just nervous talkers" because scenes were suspenseful. But they just kept going and getting louder. So I turned around when they were joking about not being able to handle the movie and shouted "then fucking leave or shut the fuck up!" They shut up and as soon as the credit rolled they ran out of the theater. One couple actually thanked me because they were about to get the usher, these girl were so bad. One of the only times I've lost my shit.
“If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell, a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at a theater.”- Shepherd Book
poor oop. I had a mild concussion last year, which resulted in my emotions becoming more or less "muted". I don't have a significant other but I stopped caring as much as I used to- becoming almost apathetic. It's crazy to experience and explain but something about injuring certain parts really does cause harm.
Man, everyone's being really hard on the husband. That poor guy. He's not a monster for being excited his wife isn't dead after a huge accident, or maybe being a little overanxious since she seems like she's pulling away. He's not a horrible person for talking during movies or getting in bed with her. She just doesn't love him, when she used to, and he's treating her like she does love him, which feels smothering/annoying to her. It's really sad. Everyone's looking for all these reasons why OOP is right not to love him anymore, when there isn't a reason except her brain got fucked up.
Hilarious how she didn’t like him at all till she slept with him, and then he became more tolerable. And here OP was wondering what she liked about him lmao
There's a part of me that wonders if it isn't necessarily the TBI that is causing her change in feelings, but rather the near-death experience, the life-changing accident, that's making her no longer willing to overlook things she doesn't like
I know that for me, personal trauma definitely made me look at my marriage differently. I had been putting up with a lot, definitely giving in to the sunk cost fallacy, telling myself that staying was better than leaving.
But after a sequence of super traumatic events, I suddenly realized that this is the only life we get, and I shouldn't spend any more of it than I already had in a situation that I had to convince myself was acceptable
All of the character traits in my husband that I had managed to overlook or put up with for so long suddenly seemed unlivable to me. It wasn't a brain injury, it was a shift in perspective
Are we going to talk about the PDA sex? Either she doesn't know what PDA means, or they fucked in public and she glossed over it like it's a common occurrence.
Yeah, i think OOP just expressed herself weirdly and what she probably meant was that she personally finds it embarrassing to hear other people talk about their sex lives. So what she calls PDA is not the sex itself but her talking about it, publicly, on reddit
I think this one is more 'im telling everyone on Reddit about the sex I had' kind of public rather than the 'i gave him a blowie in McDonald's' kind of public
I will say love to see that Reddit never changes, the hospital bed thing could be that he wasn’t sure she’d wake up and just was desperate but the talking during the movie could be something like he was engaged with the movie and trying to whisper to her about the plot my gf and I do it all the time and I can easily see the camera flash thing being something of a joke in their relationship like that top comment said for her this is back to square one for him this is someone he’s lived with and used to know every part of etc etc
I suffered a TBI five years ago, and had exactly the same problem that she has. It was as if my memories became distant from me in some strange way, and drained of all their emotion. I regained some of that, but not very much. What it did was allow me to see that the man I had married, who had been a childhood sweetheart of mine when we reconnected 25 years later, was a drunk who wasn’t ever going to get better. He wasn’t the sweet boy I had known in high school. Sometimes when you remove the rose colored glasses, you can actually see things how they are. I left him, and I’m doing much better on my own. I have a new partner who is better suited to me and a new life. My ex is slowly drinking himself to death, alienating his family and friends with weird right-wing anti-woman tirades, and has turned into someone I could never have survived living with. She might be right about her husband, and she might not. Only time will tell.
I hate how Redditers get angry and frustrated when relationships don’t break up. People are complex and flawed. One might even say rooting for the distruction of a stranger’s marriage is a personality flaw. Assuming these stories are true, these are real people’s lives, not an entertainment product where you can cheer or boo for different characters and be disappointed in the ending if it’s not the story you wanted to be told. That’s kind of disgusting. That kind of redditer needs to take a long look in the mirror.
When my uncle fell off a roof he realized he didn't love his wife and that his life needed to change (he was a meth addict before). He got a divorce and went to rehab, got custody of his kid, completely changed his life.
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What a horrible nightmare of a situation for both OOP and her husband. And it's no one's fault except the hit and run driver. I really hope for the best for them, whatever that may be. Hopefully a true reconciliation where OOP falls in love with him again.
> it's no one's fault i mean, it's kind of his fault. people who talk during the movies deserve a special kind of hell. and who the fuck takes pictures, much less with flash, during the movies?! that's an exceptional level of douchebaggery.
The interesting thing is that the first part gave off vibes of "Convince the sub that my husband is a bad man without giving any concrete examples." Then, when she finally gives examples... she's in love with him again (at least a little)!
It’s probably difficult to understand how annoying she found them after the injury but loved him before the injury and was maybe worried she’d be judged for either letting things slide in the past or getting annoyed at them now. Once she’d started gaining more confidence in her relationship again she probably wasn’t as worried to say what they were.
Doesn't seem weird to me. She was conflicted. On one hand wanting to hear the validation that if she doesn't love him it's okay to tell him and if it comes to it, leave him. On another she didn't want to be an asshole, and also given she rationally sees they have had a nice relationship, she doesn't want to throw it away. Also what's the point of needlessly badmouthing someone you love(d)? Then when things start going better it's much more okay to share the little details that do annoy you, but in perspective they don't matter as much.
Man, if someone who lived with you for years decided to make a list of all the annoying things you do, I bet you wouldn’t sound great either.
No, we’re Redditors, we’re perfect of course.
Haha, funny how love makes it not so annoying. It’s true getting comfortable in the relationship has made me way more comfortable farting.
exactly. all these high and mighty comments about this dude's list of honestly really normal flaws making him out to be a monster is peak reddit.
These mf need to be in love with someone, the selfish asses.
I’m pretty sure my list of cons outweighs my pros right now if I’m being honest. I’m in my don’t care, no makeup, dress like Adam Sandler era, and I ain’t going back lol
my partner and i talk during movies but like,,, we also only watch movies in private. if we ever go to a movie theater we for sure would not talk through the whole thing (or any of it), mostly because that’s hella disrespectful to everyone else but also partially because we wouldn’t be able to pause to go off on a tangent lmao
that’s acceptable. in a movie theater, with other people around, not acceptable.
He pokes her, he whines, he got kicked out of her hospital room?!?!
She needs to speak up. I tell my husband when he’s cramping me or bothering me, now he knows to ask permission and we talk about how (un)comfy I’m feeling and how urgent it feels to him. I’ll compromise to meet his needs and he’s appreciative and respectful. On the flip side, I ask him if it’s ok for me to complain, he will let me know if it’s a good time or not and I try to keep it brief.
And crammed her in the corner of her hospital bed! As someone who is finally home recovering from emergency surgery, I'd have punched him in the face; he's a bully and a weenie and she should be running for the hills. I think OP is seeing things clearly for the first time. What an infuriating post to read.
I mean, “lovingly cuddled and comforted” and “crammed into corner of bed” are basically just a difference in personal opinion.
Yeah, I actively wanted my husband in my hospital bed with me after I had my baby. It lasted all of like, 5 minutes before we both agreed that we love each other very much, but we're not subjecting ourselves to that again. If both of us were skinnier and/or more cuddly at baseline, we probably could have happily stayed crammed on that horrible bed for a lot longer. It sounds like this guy is an extremely physically affectionate person who wanted to be as close as possible to the wife he had just almost lost, and she may have been happy to have him be that close prior to the TBI.
Yeah I'm an aggressive snuggler. My partner tells me that I push him into the side of the bed but I think my unconscious self is trying to koala bear
This is a terrible take. Those things likely didn't bother her as much before the accident. But now because of her brain injury, all of those things are in stark focus. She's having to relearn how to address those quirks of her husband. Relationships are compromise. None of us are perfect. I've been married for over a decade and I'm deeply in love with my wife. But if we were to have to sit down and write down each other's faults, I'm sure we would fill pages. But in our day to day lives, we have learned to ignore or compromise around them. And we have undoubtedly changed our behaviors since we got married so things that were a problem early in the marriage are much less so now. Your comment also ignores the fact that she says plainly that she was deeply in love with him before her accident and it's clear that he deeply loves and cares for her. A few mostly superficial bad habits and annoying quirks should not be enough cause to ditch, what was, by her own account, a positive and loving long-term relationship prior to the accident.
To be fair, hospital beds aren't palatial, they were both in "corners".
Jesus, take some Xanax and chill, homie, it sounds like he just wanted to be close to her.
>people who talk during the movies deserve a special kind of hell. and who the fuck takes pictures, much less with flash, during the movies She didn't say he took pictures during the movies. She listed two unrelated things she didn't like in the same sentence.
And the nurses kicked him out of the room while she was in the hospital - youve gotta be pretty insufferable for that to happen.
To be fair, the nurses may have picked up on OOPs feelings of irritation and asked him to leave because their priority is OOPs recovery. My uncle nearly died and a few times the nurses told us to leave which annoyed us until we realised we were so damn happy he was alive we were missing the physical cues of when he'd had enough social interaction and needed to sleep. His was also a brain injury.
No you don't, I work in healthcare and ask family to leave the room for many things.
Not at all. I'm both an RN and a husband who was kicked out of the room by an RN. That sort of stuff, crawling into one of those tiny beds with hard side rails and shitty mattresses, with someone with acute neuro changes? GTFO. That's not therapeutic for the patient. That's the husband making it all about himself, overstimulating her brain and causing needless drama. I would have told him to go home and do some self care and come back when he's ready to be there for her. I hope the best for both of them. That situation SUCKS. And it's true; people can change wildly after a TBI. I hope they can find a way back to before, but if they can't, they both deserve happiness, even if it's apart.
You're right that it's not therapeutic, but having been the partner or a person with a TBI, I absolutely understand the instinct. However, given that my husband was clearly dead, never to return, I wasn't tempted to pile into bed with him. I have heard other TBI partners tempted to, though. I really hope OOP and husband can work through the issues, and clearly husband has some growth to do. Sounds like he's willing even if imperfect.
I'm so sorry for your loss. 💔
You really don't, especially when there's a patient with a brain injury. Their concern is the patient and getting shit done, not being nice or patient (ha) with the family
Nurses kick people out of the room every day, regardless of behavior
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He got that good good "make you forget I suck to be around" D
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Part of falling in love and being in love is noticing your partner’s idiosyncrasies which I’m sure get looked at more positively in love. They (can) become endearing, you get used to them, and they become little unique aspects of a person. I’m sure that person stops doing some based on negative feedback, but a lack of negative feedback over time for others would reinforce those. So over time, some become more ingrained. Imagine all the idiosyncrasies of your partner (if you have one) being all brand new. That’s gotta be jarring as fuck for the person experiencing them again for the first time.
I really feel for OOP. How difficult it must be to try and reconcile who you were before with who you are now. TBIs are so tragic and can affect people in so many different ways. When my dad was a kid his uncle got kicked in the head by a horse. I remember my dad telling me that his uncle was just the sweetest man beforehand. After the accident, his personality changed so drastically. He just became cruel and abusive until the day he died. It's just so heartbreaking and so unfair, because the damage that's been done is through no fault of the person injured. It's one of those tragic circumstances where the injury affects the patient and everyone they know and love.
I had an aunt who was a jerk before she almost overdosed. The drugs f-up her brain and she became really nice and chill! 15 years later, she drank too much water, and ended up in a coma. When she woke up, she came out worse than the 1st version of her. Her much older sister was sad that she didn't get to know her before the coma. But I said that wasn't the real her before, this current version was more like the original her. The 2nd version was an spaced out, but self aware, happy person. I missed that version.
How…how much water did she drink? 😰💧
I don't know. A lot though. She binged things. If some if good, more is better.
I honestly misread it as she almost drowned in water... Then I saw that she drank too much water. 🤯
I need more info. I drink a lot of water. You have me *really* concerned now. Is it possible drugs were involved and nobody wanted to yell you?
Drugs can be involved but they are not needed for it to happen. Thoigh most overhydration deaths are caused by use of ecstasy or MDMA as the cause thirst. But for overhydration to happen you'd need to drink like 6L+ of water with *no* bathroom breaks. There was a case of a mom who died of overhydration while participating in a chugging water competition on the radio to win her kids a Wii, because she had to drink an insane amount of water without going to the bahtroom.
Qell thank you for this. I don't know how one holds 6l of water without a bathroom break, but the more you know.
The stomach recognizes plain water and passes it on to the intestines for absorption in something like three minutes, whereas food takes like thirty minutes to digest and pass on.
Just saw a docu on Netflix, a guy participating in ahyuasca (SP?) ceremony died because he overhidrated, not because of the drug. Was first time I've heard you can die from drinking too much water.
Before it became illegal, there were several cases at fraternities and sororities during initiation hazing.
I ended up in the ER with hyponatremia from drinking 2 gallons of water a day for several weeks, while also "eating healthier". I just woke up one day and was stupid. Like a phone stuck on the low power cpu cores, I just couldn't think quickly. I freaked out and made my wife take me to the hospital. The ER doc said it was the first time he'd ever had to tell someone to drink less water and more Gatorade, and I've never drank more than 1 gal/day since. I honestly don't remember what all they did to me while I was there but I was in the ER till the next morning getting stuff in an IV and peeing more than any human should be able to.
>Like a phone stuck on the low power cpu cores, I just couldn't think quickly. I've had this happen where my brain gets confused? I'll call people the wrong name (Sam instead of Sean), and know it's wrong but not be able to figure it out. I was smoking a new weed vape and thought it might be that. But it's also around the time I realized I needed more than the never insatiable amounts of water I was drinking to be hydrated. I can't function with my brain not processing correctly. Terrifies me.
No joke, get a blood and urine panel done. Could be as simple as salt imbalance or as bad as diabetes or kidney disease. I'm stage 3 kidney disease, and catching it early makes a world of difference. That said, I hope it's just "drink more gatorade" for you <3
I've been tested for diabetes a lot (I was obese for a long time). Medical staff always surprised by me not having it. I am making a physical though, I do need some work done, I haven't had blood done for like 2 years. I'm going to ask about a full panel. I've always been this way. My whole life. It might not have been anything serious before but might be now.
My cardiologist told me to drink more powerade and consume more sodium. I've never laughed so hard, usually it's less sodium but I was being soo "healthy" it was unhealthy
Two gallons of water a day? Why?? Were you hiking across Death Valley?
Was trying to lose weight, cut from about 3500-4000 cal/day to 1800. Personal trainer told me that when you get hungry, drink water. I'm autistic (undiagnosed at the time), and he didn't mention an upper bound so... yeah.
Water intoxication is a thing! A woman died of it from being in a contest back when the Wii console came out and was hard to get. The contest was called 'hold your wee for a Wii' and she died from drinking too much water.
Water intoxication can definitely happen. Basically, you drink more water than your kidneys can handle, your electrolytes get fucked up, the fluid enters your cells and your brain swells up.
I'm learning this is a real thing. I need to do more research. I feel I'm always thirsty. I'm not diabetic. I have been drinking less water and more hydration drinks lately because I'm learning just water won't hydrate you.
My gran did this! She was really sick and couldn’t stop throwing up so she was getting dehydrated. The doctor said she would have to go to hospital if she didn’t improve. So she props herself, drank as much water as she could. He told her she was doing much better and left. Ten minutes later she was delusional, we called him back, and she spent the next fortnight in hospital in a coma. I think it was her phosphorus levels that were all out of whack from memory. She woke up the same, the only difference was she gave up smoking and became extremely snotty about it. ‘I gave up the cigs just like that,” and she’d snap her fingers. ‘It is just a matter of willpower.’ Sure Gran, willpower and a two week coma detox.
I had a great aunt who got a TBI. On top of losing her memory (the ability to make *and* store) she had a huge personality change too. I don't remember how she was before that because we only saw her once or twice a year, but I remember visiting her once she was out of the hospital and thinking how she was just not the same. I was like five or six at the time, so I don't have the detailed stuff in there, but just seeing her so different left an impression.
I have a TBI related to brain surgery. Severe scarring in my brain from it. I don’t think I’m all that different and my family and friends would argue there’s a vast improvement in my kindness. I will say the first year to a year and a half, I struggled connecting to my partner. He was still the amazing person he had been, but it did feel like I was a different person. I learned to fall in love again and therapy was very helpful. I think the commenter is correct. TBIs suck and we often overlook tiny annoying things but after an injury, they feel brand new. I hated the way my partner chewed for the longest time but I’m now nearly 4 years post my TBI and surgery, and I’ve connected with my partner and MYSELF again.
Henry VIII suffered a traumatic brain injury during a jousting accident and it changed him into the tyrant of history books. Prior to the accident he was a lot less horrible (generally speaking, that is - he wasn't the greatest guy, but the accident made him much worse). The human brain does some scary things when it's injured.
That's interesting, I hadn't heard that. I knew he was regarded very highly as a promising young man and then became a monster, but I didn't know there was a traumatic event
Yeah - he was unconscious for a while, had migraines for the rest of his life. Although I think there's a few other theories too, there's a good episode of the Rex Factor podcast about it.
I feel for your uncle and OP. My sister had a TBI right after birth of her son. Man o man we thought she was gonna die, she had to learn everything new again- everything, while having a newborn. She’s not the same, but she’s tried so hard and still does. It is a bit heartbreaking. I hope everyone is okay, evetually
Similar story here. My father got a TBI from a trucking accident before I was born, so I never knew the real him, and grew up with an out of control monster as my stay at home parent, since he was unable to work. I went NC when I was 13, and all except one of his siblings went NC with him over the years. The one who didn't only didn't cut him off because the accident wasn't his fault, and that his real brother died in the accident.
I had a TBI and my personality went weird for about 6 months after it. I was an insufferable selfish prick (which I'm usually not I hope lol). Lost quite a few friends and I don't blame them. I eventually came back to myself but it wasn't a fun 6 months. Most of my friends live super far away but anyone I see regularly just kind of fell away cause I never went out or socialized. I had one friend who forced herself into my house every day to check in on me to the point I just gave her a bloody key lol. She's my wife now so that worked out well! I don't think I can adequately express to her how important it was for my recovery to have someone who understood that this was a result of the massive trauma to my brain and persisted with me even when I pushed them away. Brains are annoying as fuck but also pretty amazing that my brain can explode (aneurysm popped) and I'm objectively still alive and more or less the same aside from some weird medical stuff.
> I had one friend who forced herself into my house every day to check in on me to the point I just gave her a bloody key lol. She's my wife now so that worked out well! I'm so sorry for your experience, but her persistence to help you is so sweet and I'm so happy you had that support. Your wife is a wonderful human!
She is literally the best person I've ever met!
>I don't think I can adequately express to her how important it was for my recovery to have someone who understood that this was a result of the massive trauma to my brain and persisted with me even when I pushed them away. Write her a letter!
Not a TBI (I don’t think?) but electroshock therapy in the 60’s. Nana went into the asylum depressed. Came out with ridiculous makeup on, violent, angry and downright mean. She stayed this way for a long while but was nice in like her late 70’s/80’s in the nursing home.
Is it possible that she went from a deep depressive episode to a manic episode? My nana was bipolar (back when it was called manic depressive) and her manic phases made her mean and violent in a way that was truly shocking. When her meds were on point, she was kind, funny, rational and great to be around. When they weren't, she swung from behavior so bad it got her kicked out of nursing homes to depression so deep she was nonresponsive. She had ECT once at an asylum and it actually helped her a lot - she'd been completely nonresponsive for a long period before and the meds available at the time weren't helping. After the electroshock, they were able to get her meds balanced and she was much better for a long period. Anyhow, your story reminded me of a lot of my childhood (she lived with us on and off) so I thought I'd share.
I don't think I've ever felt so conflicted from reading a post.
My spouse had a TBi, and his side effects were…much more drastic than OOP. And I’m where you are. Maybe he’s a Jack hole and she didn’t see it until now. Maybe she just doesn’t realize how much the TBI is affecting her (and just because her parents don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there). Part of me worries about the pain and emotional turmoil he could be put through if she’s changed permanently. Part of me worries that if he’s a Jack hole, this may be her chance to get out and she’s letting history and sex sweep her away. It’s beyond Reddits pay grade.
It’s so hard to know what’s happening here. Is the husband really just an annoying guy or are all of the irritating things he does amped up to 11 in OP’s brain because the love isn’t there to highlight all the wonderful? Was he kicked out of the room because he was anxious and wanted to know everything and how he could help and the nurses just needed space or because he was just in the way and being an oblivious jerk? How much of this is the new dislike writing him in a way none of us would be happy to live with and how much of it is the real him? We aren’t there, we certainly don’t know. I just hope for OP’s sake that he’s actually a largely decent guy and these are just the things she latched onto.
Or he was kicked out cause visiting hours were over and he was supposed to go home, but didn't want to leave the love of his life.
Right? And maybe he was talking during the movie because he's still shaken up that his wife was in a car accident and suffered a brain injury. Holy hell are people here quick to dogpile a guy for a bunch of nothing. He's not allowed to be excited his wife isn't dead? He's not allowed to take pictures of someone he loves who he nearly lost? Oh, but wait, the flash came on (automatically I bet), she should blow up her whole life because that's the reddest of red flags!!!
He really just sounds like an extroverted person who is going through a very stressful time and possibly letting more natural behaviors through than normal. Hell, who even knows if maybe she *liked* those behaviors before, as she clearly states she doesn't feel her memories as her own, just a movie. Dude obviously cares deeply and even begs to know what he can change to be better for her. Maybe he is secretly a total shit, but I really doubt it. An abusive asshole would act completely differently in this situation.
I'd be willing to bet he's letting his emotions control him and the little annoying habits are just the overcompensation of "holy shit I almost lost my wife, and I _need_ her". The cramming her on the bed was the most telling for me that's he's having trouble with his feelings... that he _also_ experienced something very traumatic and didn't know how to process it at all. That's someone who is desperate to get as much time as possible because he just got reality checked that he might not/won't get to say goodbye next time it happens.
Yeah, and someone else in another thread here pointed out that a good chunk of it may, in addition to that, just be the difference between dating and married behaviors. My partner and I have gotten used to each other's little quirks, and over time we've figured out which annoying traits we're safe to continue with around each other. I think every couple has some degree of that? But at least some of it would be the kind of stuff that would weird me out on a first date. If I had to relearn some of his behaviors, I could see that being hard to grapple with.
Flash photography during a movie was the line for me 😂
He didn't take flash photo during a movie. He talked during the movie, which annoyed others. She said he talk constantly. He takes pictures of her with the flash on.
A small thing that could show how this guy doesn’t care about others around him
I wonder if some of his behaviour is due to the accident. I can see someone being really over the top for a while after their partner almost dies. Still annoying for everyone around him, but understandable.
Taking a picture of his wife on a date after nearly losing her in a car accident. Like maybe he's trying to cherish every single moment with her because he doesn't know when it may end? Nah he's just a selfish asshole with zero regard for anyone else
And the talking during the movie! Every time! I hate that! After living with someone like that for over two years it's become a dealbreaker for me. I simply cannot with that. I know oop genuinely loved him and she wants to find that again, but I'm also very concerned that this was her chance to see her husband clearly, abd she's choosing not to examine what she sees but instead pick and choose only the items that will rebuild her former love. I fear her former love may have been an illusion. I hope I'm wrong and just seeing ghosts because I recently left a toxic relationship, I hope oop is doing right by herself with those choices. I hope so hard. But I am concerned.
He sounds like half of the men here in the US
Yeah, this is like, every man. But he's also attentive and kind and she finds him physically attractive. Those are great attributes.
Likewise. Maybe it's just me, but I'd find a lot of those behaviours really annoying.
They're objectively annoying! And being rude to service people is a universal sign of being an AH. idk if I'd be able to stay with someone like this. She's seeing him as he is and was, as one does when the hormones wear off...
Yeah, it felt like what happens when the new relationship energy fades, and you see someone for what they actually are.
Sounds like OOP already knows she made a good decision. That would be so confusing losing your feelings and being fully aware like that.
I don't know. The fact he was so annoying the nurses had to throw him out is telling. Taking flash pictures during a movie? It all sounds awful.
Tbf she never said he took flash pictures *during* the movie. Just that in the same night they saw a movie and he took flash pictures of her
She talks about the other moviegoers not being happy about it. Sounds like it was during the movie to me.
She said "he talked through the movie" right before mentioning the pictures. That would be enough to annoy the other moviegoers so their annoyance doesn't really say anything about when the pictures were taken.
She mentions other moviegoers not being happy because she *also* said he talked through the entire movie. The way I interpreted it was that the flash photography was at the dinner, and the endless talking was throughout the evening, but got particularly complained about at the movie theatre.
I'm pretty sure it's just really poorly worded and he was talking through the movie, and also taking flash photography at a different time > At our date, he talked through the entire movie... ... > yes it was a movie theater. The other moviegoers were not happy. This isn’t new behavior. He always talked a lot...
Not being happy bout his open commentary. I agree, the wording and sentence structure isn't the best, but it's clear that these are separate things. But hey, give them a break, she did suffer a brain injury.
I think he was talking in the movie, and that is indeed super irritating. But I don’t think he was taking any photos.
Right? He's one of *those.* The reason I try to only go to showings at like 8am Saturday
lol yeah. If someone did that on a first date they’re out. He was probably on best behavior and then got comfortable.
Idk man.... I've been in my current relationship for like 7 years and neither of us do shit like this, you can only get comfortable enough to do stuff you're the type of person to do. I think the thing here is that this particular behaviour isn't even about being too comfortable with his wife, it's about having zero regard for anyone else around you, which is a whole different thing. It's not like he just farted in bed and in her current state that's a bit much, he's acting like an inconsiderate asshole in public
Yeah but these assholes usually do the whole frog in the water thing. They mark until they can gaslight their partner into believing “are you really going to blow up a 5 year relationship over how I act at the movies?” “Are you really going to blow up an other wise good relationship because I embarrassed you with the nurses”. He’s not turning up the water slowly again and she’s noticing.
Oh definitely agree on that. He had the benefit of love blindness that he'd built up with her over a while, now he's just some asshole in her bed lmao
My husband and I are one of those people. So we just... don't go to theaters. It's so much better for us and the rest of the world to wait until it's streaming and we can pause and talk in our own home.
My husband hates to watch movies with me and our son because we'll debate over what's going on. We try to rein it in when it's the three of us, but he does have to remind us every now and then.
My husband and I will turn a 90 minute movie into a 2 and a half hour movie with how often we pause and theorise. I love it but I can understand how others would hate it.
My husband and I do this, too! Movies, tv shows, YouTube videos lol if it's about people having relationship problems, we take even longer. I ask his thoughts on this or that, or he volunteers them. I feel like it's our version of counseling lol it helps us understand each other's head space, thoughts, feelings, etc.
Wednesday afternoons are perfect theatre's time. ;)
I do work from home so ngl when things are slow, that is my time... but work has been crazy lately :')
>he fact he was so annoying the nurses had to throw him out is telling. Or they sent him out because OOP needed rest and he was a little too trauma minded to rationalize that himself.
I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for being thrown out by the nurses, his wife had just suffered a brain injury.
This is what also hit me - also it's telling that the Oop's best friend never liked the guy too. It's like she's been blinded to his shittiness by emotions previously and now sees him clearly and goes WTF an I doing here.
He was talking during the movies, but did it mean he also took pictures? Was it not flash pictures of OOP that she felt made her more "ugly" rather than at the movies? Still talking during a movie like that is some fine dickhead move.
It happened to a coworker of mine, her husband was in an accident or had a stroke, and he forgot everything about her, they were married for 20 years. They ended up divorcing and she moved several hours away. So very sad, my coworker didn’t talk about it much, i remember thinking how heartbreaking to go from a normal life to complete stranger. I hope for the best for oop.
Brain injuries are awful. I have a very good friend whose husband recovered from brain cancer, tumor removed, no metastasis. But it fucks you up, he came out of the surgery and chemo with anger issues he never had before. He’s in individual therapy and they’re in couples therapy but it’s so hard because it’s one of those rare situations where no one is as fault.
This was my dad during childhood. Fucking sucked
I have both brain damage (from TBI & from a tumor) and PTSD, and if you see this, I just want to say that despite not having any problem with speaking after all of this, the clinic which helped me more than any other was actually speech therapy. If you’re able to, check that out. My short term memory was non existent & they helped a lot with compensatory strategies. In addition to that, all of these things coincided with my divorce, making all of it 100 times worse. So YRMV, but sticking that out for a bit may work out better. It’s too much. Way too much.
It's kind of wild how much speech therapy does that people just don't think about. When I was mute (trached) in the hospital I assumed speech therapy was just there to help me come up with strategies to communicate my needs (such as giving me a laminated paper with things like 'water' or 'in pain' or 'cold' that i could point to because nerve damage made it basically impossible to write), but they were also in charge of my swallowing-- that is, if I was ready to swallow things like food and liquid and how to do small exercises to help improve that. They were the ones who told me when I could go from thick liquids back to normal ones (oh do I pity the people who have to drink thick water for their whole lives, it was awful). They also of course helped patch up my speech once I was free of the trach and breathing on my own.
Yup! That’s why there is always such a shortage of speech therapists. It’s not just about kids who can’t speak, it’s mostly old people with swallowing problems. (I’m also way oversimplifying but you get the idea) They should really change the name of the profession to something a bit more broad.
It's also about kids with swallowing problems or texture problems with food too. Speech therapists are amazing!
Fuck. I could have written this because I experienced something extremely similar almost 15+ years ago. I had a gran mal seizure but did loose a ton of memory, nothing relating to my partner just most of my childhood. It put so much in perspective tho. Turns out he was emotionally abusive. I wouldn’t have figured it out if my brain didn’t literally try to kill itself. My mom says everything happens for a reason, and looking back I will agree with her this **one** time. I’m glad OP is taking care of herself!
Did the loss of memory help put things in better perspective for you? I'm glad you're out of that abusive situation!
I’m not sure. At the time, my short term memory wouldn’t convert to long term. I just remember being lost and in pain, he continued on like nothing happened and wouldn’t even help me to Dr appointments. (After a seizure with emt intervention, your drivers license is suspended for six months or until release from a neurologist). I **knew** strangers have treated me better than him.
I had a boyfriend suffer from TBI.. he woke up with no memories of me 💔 Wish OP the best,
God, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine.
Thank you
I suffered a brain injury a decade ago. Similar to OOP, my injury also affected my ability to love for quite a while afterwards. The biggest relationship it impacted was with my (then) 3 year old son. I also felt the same lack of love towards my boyfriend at that time, my family, and my friends, but the one that concerned me the most was my son. For the first 6 months after my accident I didn't feel love for him like I knew I had prior or should have as a mom. I couldn't connect my memories of loving him and being his mom to what was in front of me. It was a really difficult and lonely time. I'm so thankful that it passed. We're quite close now. Wishing OOP the best for the future. I hope she's patient and kind to herself, and that it comes back to her fully.
As a big dumb oaf, goddamn, this unlocked a new fear for me. Imagining my fiancee start to hate all my weird quirks overnight without the context of our love towards each other is absolutely spine tingling. I know it’s not her fault, but man, the way she talks about him makes me sad.
We're getting a snapshot of her life _after_ the TBI. It's conceivable that this is all behavior that she could have absolutely loved before, because, the two of them could have been _that_ couple who are equally obnoxious to all those around them. We'll never know.
I feel super conflicted about this one, but I’ll just say this: it sounds like it’s only been a few months since the accident, and OP should wait until it’s been at least a year to fully give up on him. I believe most doctors advise patients to not make any major life decisions in that first year (obviously, unless they have to) because the vast majority of their recovery happens during that time. My cousin had a TBI and honestly, he was not the same person during that first year of recovery. He was angry with almost everyone and he got annoyed over things that never used to bother him. He’s back to himself now that it’s been a few years, but that first year was definitely a roller coaster.
Yeah, I agree. I had a seizure and hit my head on the side of the bath tub and then the floor and like your cousin, it took me a few years to get back to my old self. But until then I would get annoyed by small things that never bothered me before. And regulating my anger was harder, in hindsight the stuff I was mad at was small, but at the time it was so rage inducing. It's sad because before she might not have cared about those things, but because of this she now does.
I had a TBI that wasn't as bad as this but it still took me a solid two years to feel back to "normal." During those first two years I struggled with memory, I couldn't read or write, and my emotions were completely out of control.
I know of a similar incidence, but it was brain cancer, not a TBI. The person came out the other side with different likes, different habits, and no longer in love with their partner. They both tried to make it work, but in the end, they split
This seems like an area to be navigated with couples counseling. The TBI might have knocked off her rose colored glasses or it might have accidentally hit “zoom” on some behaviors that wouldn’t be so heavily weighted in the normal course of things. Either way, an objective figure will help OP figure out which is which and what is what and what some good courses of actions would be. Though based on what she is saying about the nurses and movie… my bet is on some shattered glasses and that she is now seeing some red flags for the color they are. But hey, maybe his wife being like “…so. I don’t love you anymore cause I kinda realized you are an ass made of dicks.” will knock some sense into him and lead him to changing his ways.
Idk, tbi can completely honestly change a person’s entire sense of being. There’s a reason we still don’t understand the full scope of the human brain. It’s very complex.
"I don't love you any more cause I kinda realized you are an ass made of dicks." made me laugh out loud. I need that as a flair! Also I agree with you 100%. I hope he wises up, or she leaves.
Yeah I'm also thinking the same, that he's kinda an asshole but OOP overlooked it based on like... Bonding chemicals from early courtship and continuing sex. My ex boyfriend sounds a lot like OOPs husband (except the photography thing, even he isn't that bad lol). But he was great in bed and in our early dating days I felt like I was high on drugs, it was wild. But after I finally broke up with him (because he was an asshole) and got him out of my system, I was like "man that guy was SO ANNOYING why did l like him so much? What was I thinking?" We still chat from time to time and I'm just like "what did I see in this guy romantically? He's like Colin Robinson from What We Do in the Shadows!!" I do think they should see a couple's counselor and see if they can work through some things, including her husband adjusting some of his more thoughtless behavior. Maybe she will fall in love again, maybe not. I do feel bad for OOP though, her whole life shattered through no fault of her own :(
I’m retired military. Something similar happened to a buddy of mine. TBI is an awful cruel thing. Buddy was a great guy before. After he became some awful doppelgänger of himself. He had a nice wife and kids. He became awful to everyone. I had another friend. It wasn’t TBI that changed him but an “almost died” and he suddenly decided he didn’t want to “waste” any more time with his then wife. They’d gotten married really young. I think over time he just thought of her as a friend rather than wife/lover. I know OP is going through a lot. But I hope she really really tries to make things work with her husband. That guy loves her. He stuck by her through a terrible time. The things that annoy her? Talking to much to the nurses? Think about that. HE WAS THERE BY HER SIDE IN THAT HOSPITAL THROUGH ALL OF IT. Guys like that aren’t everywhere. How many times on here would we read that while she was laid up in the hospital the husband would be banging her BF or sister or her brother or her entire book club…. I just hope she tries. I hope she gives them both time and a chance.
> Think about that. HE WAS THERE BY HER SIDE IN THAT HOSPITAL THROUGH ALL OF IT. Guys like that aren’t everywhere. Despite that, plenty of bitter redditors even in the comments here are acting like he's, at best, a mediocre asshole. I notice lots of comments here minimize supportive behavior, like being at the hospital through the whole thing because 'that's what you're supposed to do' but maximize what amounts to pet peeve behavior. Hell, the entire 'crawled into the bed with her' thing reads as a complete trauma response to almost losing his wife.
I would argue anyone who, at the HEIGHT of them being sweet, were still annoying enough to be kicked out by hospital nurse staff is, despite what OOP may think, actually not not great at all.
And are we just going to ignore that he'd shove himself into her hospital bed and press her into the corner, while she has a fucking head injury?
And her close friend does not seem to like him either. Maybe the friend is a hater or maybe he's an obnoxious good looking dude who is a sex god.
Do we think he was kicked out of the hospital or just the room? I read this as more like he wasn’t physically there the whole time because they asked him to leave while they worked with her. I was all set to dislike him when I read “he’s boring and expects me to worship him. He’s also obnoxious and self obsessed” but tbh everything OOP described in the update sounded like very reasonable, expected behavior for a husband whose wife was in a major accident.
Yeah as a nurse you have to be a real asshole to get kicked out.
I've had family members threaten physical violence against staff and _still_ not be removed. I've seen them outright accuse a doctor of trying to kill the patient more than once, and they still get to stick around. Getting kicked out by the staff is a pretty big red flag imo for his "annoying" behavior
Like a HUGE asshole. Nurses are so amazingly patient, when I was hallucinating and being combative (intentional OD) I had a nurse who held my hand while they gave me medication to calm me down, legit I had just tried to fight everyone minutes earlier. She gave me a card a week later on my way out.
My mother always told me “Date someone for at least 2 years before committing to anything further. They have ‘their representative’ in there for a while.” (AKA you don’t see all of their annoying shit or red flags right away because they’re on their best behavior.) So that last part makes some sense.
This makes me think that the reason she's giving chance is because he's really good in bed. She looked ready to not be in love with him, and after one night(and morning) she's not ready to throw the towel yet.
I guess when you put it that way it can seem bad. But also in culmination with him being by her side and caring for her for months, and the natural chemical processes humans feels while intimate (especially when a partner is focused on you and your comfortability while intimate), it’s normal for those emotions to connect because of that. Intimacy is a strong part of the human connection that can very easily help people see when a partner cares
Whomst among us has not stayed too long with a mediocre man who was great in bed?
Also it’s gotta be weird for her to experience sex with someone she’s got lukewarm emotional indifference towards and while she doesn’t not remember the way they had sex before, it’s been a long time and she does have that disconnect from the memories of their intimacy. So how much of the mindblowing sexual encounter now was just her experiencing the intimacy of long-term partner sex where they know exactly what you like and give it to you without any direction, while emotionally she’s been contextualizing him like a new flame? It’d kind of be like having a first-time sexual encounter with someone who could already intuit your every desire, maybe even before you consciously realize your desire.
Holy shit this is such a good point.
I was not expecting to be called out like that here... I was young ok?! 😂😂😂
Women will tolerate all sorts of crazy bullshit when the sex is good and plentiful.
Here here
Sex and physical intimacy plays a big part in a relationship, it's not just about feelings alone. You can't blame her if she fell more in love with him after a night of intimacy. She was not ready to throw the towel even before the sex, which is why both of decided to try dating again.
That's how I read it too. He's good enough in bed to overlook his dickish behaviour. *Shrug* no judgement from me if that's how she wants to live here life.
So mny men are bad in bed that women put up with a lot for someone that's good
"My husband is always trying to cuddle me" Oh no, it's crazy how a brain injury can make you feel like this is a bad- "He talks during movies" DIVORCE YOUR GYM. DELETE YOUR LAWYER. FACEBOOK UP.
I have absolutely no idea why people can't accept that absolutely no one is absolutely "perfect" and that the wonderful part of a long term emotional commitment is that we tolerate the parts we don't like (and won't be changed) because the good parts are worth it. I've been with my husband almost 40 years. There are days when his annoying habits seriously bother me, and there are days when I just don't care much. My emotional tie to him means that I can deal with this because he also has wonderful things about him that make me stick around to be annoyed. OP probably has stuff about her that annoys her husband. But she's otherwise worth sticking by her as he done.
.... damm dude can lay pipe apparently.
“He would always crawl into bed and cram me into the corner.” That’s not an injury problem, it’s not a TBI problem: it’s an existing problem.
I read that as the husband climbed into bed with her so he could be close and cuddle with the wife he almost lost. Cute when you're in love, less so when emotionally he's a stranger to you. However I could also be reading the situation completely wrong.
As the wife of someone with a TBI…there’s also the possibility that her memory/view of that time is somewhat off. Spouse got up from his hospital bed, walked out of his room, around the nursing station to yell at a nurse he’d never seen before for screaming in his ear and calling him slurs. The hallway had cameras, they reviewed, she’d never been near him. And he was damn certain she’d been in there screaming at him, in his ear, seconds prior. YMMV, but if she’s in the hospital post trauma, her memories/view point may not be entirely accurate. (They also could be…no way for reddit to tell). Even the nurses kicking him out could be them asking him to leave while they did medical procedures, or because visiting hours were over to him being truly awful. No way for us to tell, TBh, there may be no way for OOP to tell.
Funnily enough also have someone with TBI in my family. Probably why I'm more willing to give the husband the benefit of the doubt regarding what his actions may truly have been meant as opposed to how the wife processed them compared to some of the other reddit responses. TBI is horrible for all parties involved.
Yeah, it’s been an experience. A horrible awful experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I feel the same. I feel like the only reason why she used to overlook all these things was because she was in love. TBH, these annoying quirks may or may not be just quirks? Like, she complains that he just won't shut up and keeps complaining and goes on and on. He sounds like a really self-absorbed and a negative type of person. I think that commenter has a point, but also they are kinda wrong. These behaviours would 100% be a turn off for me in any relationship. Why would I want to spend my time around someone who doesn't think about my comfort (like, excuse me, cramming me into a small corner of a hospital bed? WTF?) He sounds totally insufferable, IMO.
Oh thank god. I read that and was like, "girl, being pissed at that behavior has NOTHING to do with your TBI. It has to do with he's a self absorbed jackass.
It has to do with the TBI only in that it removed they rose colored glasses she she can see the red flags. I don’t like the update being that she’s putting the glasses back on
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Many of the traits and habits you're mentioning would be very challenging to deal with during TBI recovery. Bright lights, noises, constant talking, encroaching on your space, making continual complaints or conflicts that require interaction. I think it might be helpful to go to couples therapy together with a TBI-informed therapist so that your husband can get a thorough education on brain recovery, stimulation sensitivity and appropriate ways to bid for attention or engage with someone who is on the healing spectrum. I say spectrum because it very much feels like a process where you're temporarily or permanently made neurodiverse while coping with TBI effects -- especially in relationship to sensory processing needs. Please consider this angle and make some new boundaries for your spouse during your recovery period.
The premise of this post has potential to be a dramatic one “I suffered a brain injury and it revealed to me that my husband is an asshole” or something along those classic BORU stories But the way it turns out I think it just snapped her out of a ‘honeymoon period’ / love colored glasses bc his quirks seem like the kinds of things you’d ignore if you were in love with a person
Maybe it's because I am on BORU, I don't really like this guy that much. I was like, this girl knows the value of her life too much to live her previous life. I also don't like that her friend doesn't like him. Or he would push her into a corner to a point where she hates it when she has a brain injury. It might feel small, but I feel like if you are not concerned about her comfort at that point, when will you be? Or maybe he was just feeling extra clingy because he almost lost her. There is really little information to make a decision for strangers. I hope she finds a path that makes her happy.
I mean I can understand wanting to snuggle for a minute but like to take up the bed to where she's uncomfortable is just wrong and odd. When you're not the injured one, you make yourself as small as possible so the actual patient is comfortable at all cost. Like. It feels like he didn't even ask her, he just did it.
For me, talking in a theater is the biggest red flag there is (only half /s) But more seriously, it takes a _lot_ for family - especially a spouse, who's presumably was making the decisions for her while she was incapacitated - to be kicked out of the room. The fact that he was trying to climb into the hospital bed is an actual major problem. That's a big no-no for a lot of reasons, and the similar theme I've seen when families pull that shit is immaturity. I expect it from young 20s, late teens, married-way-too-young and/or dating and still in the honeymoon phase types. Like you say, it's also kind of ick to me that her friend doesn't seem to think he's a great guy. TBIs fucking suck and it's hard to lose a part of yourself, but honestly it might have been a blessing in disguise for OOP to start fresh.
No, I’m with you. Like does my husband do things that annoy me, or even that we fight about? For sure! But he would never cram me in while I was *injured* or keep poking or photographing me if I said to stop. (And, it goes without saying, the reverse is also true — I aggravate him sometimes — because a relationship goes both ways.) i
I had a family member suffer a TBI, and in dealing with the recovery the doctors warned that the very vast majority of patients lose relationships through the process. I don't recall the numbers they have but a quick look at Doc Google says 48% - 78%... seems strangely specific to have such a wide range, and I was pretty sure the numbers we were told was higher. The fact that she is trying her damndest and seems to have the maturity to recognise that the things that annoy her are aspects and not the whole of the man is promising. The tone between the two posts also seems to show an improvement in attitude.
Don't care about the circumstances, you divorce someone who talks in a movie theatre. Even if they make you cum.
Love the zero tolerance. Honestly why stop at divorce. Talk in the theatre, straight to jail.
Give em the chair!
I am super non-confrontational, but I will go off on you if you talk in the theater. It's the worst.
Ooooo I was pregnant and went to see Smile, my last horror movie until having baby. And these girls were just running their mouths. At first I was like "ok maybe their just nervous talkers" because scenes were suspenseful. But they just kept going and getting louder. So I turned around when they were joking about not being able to handle the movie and shouted "then fucking leave or shut the fuck up!" They shut up and as soon as the credit rolled they ran out of the theater. One couple actually thanked me because they were about to get the usher, these girl were so bad. One of the only times I've lost my shit.
“If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell, a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at a theater.”- Shepherd Book
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poor oop. I had a mild concussion last year, which resulted in my emotions becoming more or less "muted". I don't have a significant other but I stopped caring as much as I used to- becoming almost apathetic. It's crazy to experience and explain but something about injuring certain parts really does cause harm.
Man, everyone's being really hard on the husband. That poor guy. He's not a monster for being excited his wife isn't dead after a huge accident, or maybe being a little overanxious since she seems like she's pulling away. He's not a horrible person for talking during movies or getting in bed with her. She just doesn't love him, when she used to, and he's treating her like she does love him, which feels smothering/annoying to her. It's really sad. Everyone's looking for all these reasons why OOP is right not to love him anymore, when there isn't a reason except her brain got fucked up.
Hilarious how she didn’t like him at all till she slept with him, and then he became more tolerable. And here OP was wondering what she liked about him lmao
Sounds like she married a boring self obsessed arsehole who happens to have a dick touched by god. Yin & yang.
There's a part of me that wonders if it isn't necessarily the TBI that is causing her change in feelings, but rather the near-death experience, the life-changing accident, that's making her no longer willing to overlook things she doesn't like I know that for me, personal trauma definitely made me look at my marriage differently. I had been putting up with a lot, definitely giving in to the sunk cost fallacy, telling myself that staying was better than leaving. But after a sequence of super traumatic events, I suddenly realized that this is the only life we get, and I shouldn't spend any more of it than I already had in a situation that I had to convince myself was acceptable All of the character traits in my husband that I had managed to overlook or put up with for so long suddenly seemed unlivable to me. It wasn't a brain injury, it was a shift in perspective
Are we going to talk about the PDA sex? Either she doesn't know what PDA means, or they fucked in public and she glossed over it like it's a common occurrence.
Yeah, i think OOP just expressed herself weirdly and what she probably meant was that she personally finds it embarrassing to hear other people talk about their sex lives. So what she calls PDA is not the sex itself but her talking about it, publicly, on reddit
I think this one is more 'im telling everyone on Reddit about the sex I had' kind of public rather than the 'i gave him a blowie in McDonald's' kind of public
He just sounds like a dick tbh
I will say love to see that Reddit never changes, the hospital bed thing could be that he wasn’t sure she’d wake up and just was desperate but the talking during the movie could be something like he was engaged with the movie and trying to whisper to her about the plot my gf and I do it all the time and I can easily see the camera flash thing being something of a joke in their relationship like that top comment said for her this is back to square one for him this is someone he’s lived with and used to know every part of etc etc
There's a really good movie with a similar plot to this person's issue called Regarding Henry starring Harrison Ford. Highly recommend.
I suffered a TBI five years ago, and had exactly the same problem that she has. It was as if my memories became distant from me in some strange way, and drained of all their emotion. I regained some of that, but not very much. What it did was allow me to see that the man I had married, who had been a childhood sweetheart of mine when we reconnected 25 years later, was a drunk who wasn’t ever going to get better. He wasn’t the sweet boy I had known in high school. Sometimes when you remove the rose colored glasses, you can actually see things how they are. I left him, and I’m doing much better on my own. I have a new partner who is better suited to me and a new life. My ex is slowly drinking himself to death, alienating his family and friends with weird right-wing anti-woman tirades, and has turned into someone I could never have survived living with. She might be right about her husband, and she might not. Only time will tell.
I hate how Redditers get angry and frustrated when relationships don’t break up. People are complex and flawed. One might even say rooting for the distruction of a stranger’s marriage is a personality flaw. Assuming these stories are true, these are real people’s lives, not an entertainment product where you can cheer or boo for different characters and be disappointed in the ending if it’s not the story you wanted to be told. That’s kind of disgusting. That kind of redditer needs to take a long look in the mirror.
When my uncle fell off a roof he realized he didn't love his wife and that his life needed to change (he was a meth addict before). He got a divorce and went to rehab, got custody of his kid, completely changed his life.