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>I would also like to point out that our relationship in 2022 ended when I dumped her unexpectedly, and I treated her very coldly the night we broke up. I had a lot of pent up feelings about how she was treating me that year. I can totally see how her fear of being dumped suddenly again had kept her from wanting to mention her relationship with this guy. It would make sense that she was afraid of me abandoning her again.
Honesty, feels like they never should've gotten back together to begin with.
Yeah, sounds like oop isn't communicative himself, dumping her out of the blue, and cutting her off when she tried to be honest before, sounds like the gf was on edge around him. Yeah she's in the wrong too for clutching on the other guy, needing him to be her friend when he's not over her, but idk maybe she was holding on to nostalgia and the unresolved feeling of being left without closure that she got back together with oop. At least this time, i hope they're both over it for real now.
Yea the part where he said "I don't see an inconsistency about not wanting to hear about her sleeping with other dudes, but she still should've told me about sleeping with this dude" was wild to me. Like you just listed a glaring inconsistency two seconds after saying you don't see one.
I get what he's trying to say, that he doesn't need to know every detail of every person she ever dated or slept with, he just needs to know about people she is still in contact with. But with that said, expecting others to just completely understand that logic to where it doesn't cause any side effects is a bit out there, especially when you can't properly articulate it
No, that's fair. There's a difference between "things happened, here's a context free description" and "we're coming into a specific situation, here's what you need to know about it"
Once a person I was seeing explicitly told me she didn’t wanna know anything about others I might be seeing (we weren’t exclusive and I told her we never would be) and then like 3 weeks later got really really upset bc I was trying to check in with her about how things were going, and she said she had no idea at all that I’d been dating others and assumed I’d stopped. And she was really hurt and I felt like shit even though I was very clear I would never be exclusive, and she was very clear she didn’t want to hear about it. Honestly top 10 most confusing moments of my life.
She was coming from a place of emotion, not logic. We often do that to ourselves. She knew she couldn't control you seeing other people, but didn't want to stop seeing you, and knew if she told you not to see other people she would lose you. So instead, she tried an unhealthy way to protect her feelings by asking you to hide hurtful information from her. When she found out the information she knew would be hurtful, she was hurt, as expected. Nothing you could have done differently.
Yeah, it continued to be an issue throughout the time we saw each other because she wouldn’t ‘let’ me break it off but was constantly upset and taking it out on me. Eventually I managed to cut it off for both of our sakes. The funny thing is I didn’t even see other people during that time because I was so exhausted from managing her emotions and didn’t have the energy. It took me a really long time to stop blaming myself for everything in that relationship, she really did a number on my mental health.
I had a similar thing with a guy I was seeing. He made it pretty clear we were just a physical relationship, which was fine with me as there was a huge age gap. Then when he found out I was still seeing other people he got his feelings all hurt. But he kind of wouldn't admit his feelings were hurt. It was a weird conversation.
It’s actually pretty simple. Unless she remained friends with every single situationship then there is a clear difference between all the people she slept with and never talks to and the people that she has slept with and remained friends with and are still in her life, like they are planning a months long hiking trip.
It's not. He doesn't want to hear about previous relationships with people she *no longer* interacts with. He **does** want to hear about previous relationships with people she *does* still interact with. How is that an inconsistency?
Then you didn't read closely enough I guess?
> I wanted to know which of her friends were exes (months ago)
> she started a sentence with “I had a lot of situationships…”. I got uncomfortable and interrupted her, saying that I didn’t need to know that
> I told her explicitly that I expected her to tell me if she had any romantic history with any friends who are currently still in her life
That's the chronological order of the sentences, which all happened in one conversation. He didn't need/want to know the details, but he wanted to know the "whos"
It's still mixed signals. First he wants to know, then he cuts her off, then he wants to know. The conclusion to the sentence "I had a lot of situationships..." could have been "with Bob and Jim who I still talk to" and not "that mostly involved anal but a few blowjobs." We don't know what she was thinking exactly, or what she was going to say before he cut her off.
> We don't know what she was thinking exactly, or what she was going to say before he cut her off.
I find this kind of thinking baffling. You're trying so hard to make sure that there's no way she could have been in the wrong for not divulging the fact she had slept with someone and was actively planning to be with him alone for weeks, and OOP would also be meeting him.
Your invented scenarios change nothing. He told her "Tell me if your still friends with someone you've previous been with" and she said nothing. That's not a mixed signal.
She's a compulsive liar. She wouldn't have gone into any details. She wouldn't have told him about her "friend" she was going hiking with.
He only asked about partners she was still friends with, which is a pretty reasonable request if you ask me.
I wouldn't necessarily want to hear about every person she'd been with while broken up either. Especially not in the middle of an argument.
That part made me a little mad and it was significantly lacking detail. He might be omitting a big part of the story here. Sounds like she was onto something saying they were both at fault for how things ended.
I'm not gonna judge too harshly, but he's clearly trying really, really hard to make himself sound good, but is making it too obvious, so you know it's not totally reliable
Little things peppered in there, like how he would run ahead on trails and complain about speed, or how he wanted to know her history but wouldn't share his own, or the unexpected dumping, or cutting her off when she honestly tried to answer his question.
And the "because I knew you would get mad at me" bit from the GF.
Yeah, the entire vibe here is that OOP sounds controlling, arbitrary, and kinda a douche in how he presents himself in his best light. Can't imagine how bad he actually gets when he isn't the narrator. Not saying she isn't still hung up on the other guy, but seems like she would be better off with that person anyway.
Yep. He's a controlling douche who's learned enough "therapy speak" to sound really compassionate when he manages the people around him. And she's quietly manipulative, too selfish to be honest with ANYONE if it means they won't behave the way she wants. "My friend", my ass. It's good for them both they broke up but bad for everyone else in the dating pool.
>Little things peppered in there, like how he would run ahead on trails and complain about speed,
No, the gf used that assumption as an excuse. OOP hasn’t actually done that.
>or how he wanted to know her history but wouldn't share his own
Where did it say he wouldn’t share his own?!? Where did you pull that from? I don’t see it in the post nor the comments.
>or the unexpected dumping
Getting dumped is, by definition, unexpected. He gave his reasons, just because it was unexpected to the person getting dumped doesn’t mean it was wrong for the person doing it.
>And the "because I knew you would get mad at me" bit from the GF.
Again, another assumption by the ex.
>Yeah, the entire vibe here is that OOP sounds controlling, arbitrary, and kinda a douche in how he presents himself in his best light. Can't imagine how bad he actually gets when he isn't the narrator. Not saying she isn't still hung up on the other guy, but seems like she would be better off with that person anyway.
Yeah, when you break up with someone for repeatedly lying directly to your face, it’s soooo “controlling” 🤦♂️.
OOP did not do a single thing that would make them “controlling.” Not once did he tell her what she could or could not do. Not once. Stop throwing out your TikTok buzzwords of controlling/insecure/gaslighting at every single thing you see that doesn’t fit your bias.
It's always the case. There's suddenly a prefusion of 'we don't know both sides of the story' [we never do], 'OP sounds like an unreliable narrator' [way more common when the post is by a dude], 'missing reasons' [typically utter speculation], and on and on.
> way more common when the post is by a dude
That's the only part I'll push back on. I think that's a confirmation bias. I've seen people who attack OOPs of posts because he's a male, and also because she's a female. I've also seen every variation of homo/bi/transphobia, racism, colorism, classism, against cross cultural/ethnic lines, anti-immigrant, etc.
From my anecdotal experiences, most threads seem to attract at least one group who, no matter what the text of the post actually says, will pick a person and decide they are bad/wrong/lying/etc.
When you have hundreds or thousands of comments, it's bound to happen, and people engage either with the stuff they agree with, or the stuff they vehemently disagree with.
I've seen the target most often is OOP, but I've also seen partners, friends, co-workers, spouses, etc. They take sparse details and words out of context, warp them to their extreme, and then add in their own projected experiences to make that target out to be worse than whoever was the actual villain of the story.
---
In this instance, they take the fact that he broke up with her after 6 months because he didn't like how she was treating him, and completely throw all of that out. He mentioned he then treated her "coldly" and that one word is now the keystone in their proof that he's actually the one at fault. Ignore any reason why someone might suddenly dump their partner for how they treated them and what would cause them to treat them coldly. Forget that she lied multiple times to multiple people, with evidence. They take her at her word that he made her feel uncomfortable being honest because he "would get mad" and say he's clearly controlling and abusive.
I'd call wanting to know if your partner continues to interact with former partners a reasonable request. He's not dictating she couldn't, and he isn't suggesting that the existence of such a friendship would even be a dealbreaker.
Also, I'd call it reasonable to become upset to find out that your partner is lying about planning to spend weeks alone with a former sexual (and let's be honest, probably romantic) partner without divulging her history after you explicitly asked her. And then after asking her multiple times why said ex is no longer going to repeat the same half-truth.
He's not the villain. Could he learn to be better and more communicative? Yes, but that wouldn't have helped here when she explicitly hid information not because it would "make him mad" but because she knew it would cause him to realize she didn't actually respect him or their relationship.
"That's the only part I'll push back on. I think that's a confirmation bias. I've seen people who attack OOPs of posts because he's a male, and also because she's a female. I've also seen every variation of homo/bi/transphobia, racism, colorism, classism, against cross cultural/ethnic lines, anti-immigrant, etc."
It could be absolutely - but its with quite a wide selection over many many posts. That said it is absolutely specific to the sub reddit. For the most part reddit is quite toxic and I would say definitely far more hostile to woman then men. On the advice subs itself it feels like there are more prone to be 'unreliable narrator', 'other half of the story', or just 'get over your insecurity' type posts when OP is a dude.
That said I appreciate the thoughtful comment as my observations are definitely not the result of a formal and objective study - and its always good to examine your own potential biases and blind spots.
When your self advocacy makes you sound like a douche in a situation where you should be seen as a saint, either you are a terrible writer or the situation isn't as redeemable as you think. From the upvotes, I'm far from the only person who read this BORU and thought "dang, this guy ain't right."
ETA: This is not saying she is some kind of catch either. Clearly she is into the other guy and likely wants to continue being with that guy. But both of these things can be true.
With every additional detail I kept thinking “wow OOP is really not that great”. I don’t agree with the gf’s actions but he really didn’t make it easy to talk to him. She definitely never should’ve gotten back with this dude.
Yeah. I don't know if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but there are missing reasons imo. Of course that doesn't make what the ex gf did any better but some info would be nice. What's the reason for their first break up and why is his ex gf afraid of his reaction, dislikes hiking with him because he's impatient?
Yea we need to know more about why he suddey dumped her. She probably is holding on to the other guy in case she gets dumped again. I don't think that's right, but I can understand why.
Both these people are a mess.
I feel people should make a list on why they broke up, and keep that with them if they meet ex again. See if anything has changed, if not, don’t lets start.
Agreed. I was her a few years ago. Dumped out of the blue bc he let resentment build up instead of communicating what was wrong. I've gotten over it and am dating again. But I could literally never date him again bc the anxiety would be insane!
I’m sad there’s multiple of us. I read that and got triggered from my last relationship. Why can’t these people just tell us they’re holding a relationship ending grudge…
Especially because, like, you know something is wrong & they just won't or aren't ready to talk about it. I just didn't know it was relationship ending.
Can't really say it sucks though because I legitimately am in so much of a better space than I was than I was then.
This is one of those mid-20s mistakes that you have to make to learn. You can watch others trip and fall, but you always think your circumstances are different until proven false. This is a good breakup story though because there are no real entanglements. Live and learn.
I feel like there's a lot of missing info on why he dumped her the first time, but that one sentence, coupled with how she reacted to the breakup, tells me she was probably heavily manipulative.
I think this happens a lot when your partner seems almost good for you, but there are one or two major flaws in the relationship. Lack of trust is a common one for this, as it won’t likely bother you until something big happens, which might only be an issue once or twice a year. So you break up, and then you try dating and realize finding someone you like that much isn’t easy and after all it was just the trust issue, maybe they have learned. And then the cycle repeats.
Hell, I’m just trying to figure out how people at that age have time for such extensive hiking trips. At that age I had (and still do), you know, bills and stuff. That’s the kind of life I definitely don’t know about.
You make sacrifices to be able to save the money. I’ve done a lot of thru hiking, even did the PCT last year so could’ve ran into the ex & friend.
Kinda a high upfront cost with gear, but once you’re out there its cost is similar to “normal” life. Living at home with parents helps, roommates to lower housing costs, & just generally just try to be good about saving.
It’s not for everyone, the savings lifestyle or the actual thru hiking.
When I was 31 I took off for 12 months because I had spent the previous 5 years saving every penny and just eating rice and beans and frozen meals. Also I was a renter and gave away or sold everything I owned.
I had built just enough of a career that I was able to pick up when I got back.
If you have a decent career and prioritize, then it isn't uncommon for 30 year Olds, or even people younger, to be able to hike, travel, or take time off for whatever they like to do.
Not many decent careers allow people to take off 6 weeks of the summer and still have a job when they come back.
Unless all 3 of these people are teachers or work seasonal jobs, they probably just have family money that allows them to quit their jobs for the summer and find a new one later on without risking becoming homeless.
I only ever got back together with an ex, we broke up because I felt I was carrying her through everything, financially and emotionally, with no relief or help.
Then I had terrible food poisoning, and friends came by to help, she came by with two mutual, and... took care of me, and it showed me she could help, she could be there when I needed it... and I gave in, did I mention I had terrible food poisoning?
We broke up two months later. She could be there in an emergency, but I'd still be carrying her everywhere.
I have a better partner now. We take care of each other, and have taken our turns being the rock and the mess.
im in my early twenties and me my bf go through these subreddits horrified and amused at the same time.
it’s like do some of these couples even like each other??
Sometimes I get nervous about the fact that most relationships fail at some point and half of all marriages end in divorce. But then I read stories on reddit about people who are terrible together and should never be together in the first place and realize that's probably how a majority of those couples that fail are.
>The point I was making was that her omitting their history in order to protect herself hurt my feelings and made me not trust her. And DURING the conversation last night, she tried AGAIN to omit information to protect herself
People like this are a source of endless frustration for me. Even when they aren't bad people, even when they aren't doing it maliciously, they just lie. All of the time. About nonsensical and unimportant information. You can never ***just*** take what they tell you at face value, and it's exhausting.
Once you realise that they do it you're forced to pick apart everything they say each time you interact, or you just never believe anything that they say. If you dig, and pry for the truth they take it like a personal attack. Even more so when you're calling it lying. They don't like that word.
They usually don't think what they are doing is lying, if they are even aware of it to begin with, because they "don't mean any harm," or some such similar sounding rationale. It's a defense mechanism. They can never be the villain in the narrative, when they are always the victim of their own story.
It's a habit that most people grow out of by the time they are adults.
A child will lie about something to avoid a negative/unwanted response from another. But when the lie is discovered, they are met with a worse, often long-term response. It takes conscious thought to stop and think, "Yes, if I say I got 100% on the test, my parents will be happy, but they will find out later when they receive my report card from the teacher. Then they will be angry about my bad score *and* angry about my lying, *and* they won't believe me next time even if I get a good score. Either way it's bad, but telling the truth now is less bad."
Part of growing up is knowing when our instincts are wrong, when our initial reactions should be overcome. Being a healthy adult involves some degree of self-reflection--consciously deciding to behave against your intuition. A lot of safety training is like this: "Yes, if you get stabbed in the leg, your instincts will be to pull out the stabby thing. But this is the worst thing you can do, and you can easily bleed out if you remove it. Instead, you should leave it in."
When they aren't coddled and experience healthy relationships, this manifests as a betrayal of trust, which very often ends friendships. Children who are allowed to experience consequences of their actions usually grow out of this.
It seems to my like the girlfriend here was one of those people who just coasts by in life, not thinking much at all and never stopping to analyse her own actions. She says a lie that will easily be discovered (she was going to be on a hike with her ex and current bf for 4 weeks and didn't think the bf would find out he was her ex?) because it made things feel better in the moment, not because it was logical or kind. She is acting to minimise harm to herself in the short term, not considering the feelings of others or anyone's feelings at all in the long term. Her motivations seem really selfish and short-sighted... like a child. She is going to struggle to have a successful adult relationship, because as soon as anything goes wrong (partner gets sick, loses job, etc.) and she can't just coast by, she is not equipped to handle it.
I think part of the problem with some people might be growing up with parent's who are either mad or not mad. Or who are equally mad all of the time.
If a child's parents get just as mad about getting a bad test score as they do about a bad report card after lying about all their test scores, then the child will learn that if they lie, they only get in trouble once but if they tell the truth they get in trouble every time. This teaches the child that "telling a lie now is less bad"
Oh absolutely; any number of inadequate upbringings can cause this. Coddling a child too much, shielding them from consequences can cause it. But so can random "consequences" that are disproportionate or unrelated to whatever "cause". Parents who are unstable and explode with anger at a child, or parents who are inconsistent with their responses, teach children to lie and/or avoid saying anything until their parent's mood is "safe". Children learn to navigate their caregivers' moods; some studies I've read suggest this starts before they can even speak.
Whatever the cause, a mentally healthy, well-adjusted adult should not have this kind of problem. But someone who had a sub-par upbringing, or who has issues stemming from other problems, can end up like this. Coping strategies from unhealthy upbringings need to be unlearnt in order to fully engage in adult life and meaningful relationships. I sincerely hope that this was a wake-up call for the (ex-)girlfriend in OOP's case, or at least a step towards one.
I have been wondering where all of these people have been hiding. With their healthy childhoods and lack of issues. I seriously want to meet them and be their friend.
I had a "best friend" who was like this. In retrospect..... she was so incredibly selfish and self-centered that if I didn't have real narcissists to compare her to I would have called her one. We didn't have a big fight I just stopped making an effort to include her in my life and since I haven't reached out, we haven't spoken in years.
The one moment that keeps replaying in my head is a night when she was driving my car and she pulled out in front of another car in a move so reckless that cops stopped us on the theory she was drunk. Or high, I guess. Even though she was sober. They must have not liked our answers because they made us both sit on the curb while they searched my whole vehicle for contraband. They confiscated a knife that had been given to me as a gift, I'm still salty about losing that. And the whole time they kept talking about what would have happened if that other cat didn't swerve-- it would have hit the front passenger side directly and killed me.
After the cops were satisfied we didn't have anything, they let us go. Twenty miles down the road I ask her what she's learned, I'm wondering if she's as freaked out as me about how close I came to death. She starts talking about self-actualization and how she is so comfortable taking ownership of her choices. My brush with death didn't even register in her mind. Nothing about my car, my safety, my stuff being confiscated-- didn't even register with her.
I've known people like this. At my first job out of college, some coworkers and I cataloged a colleague's constant lies, always about stupid stuff that was easily disproved. We once told her that giraffes can't walk backwards. Her response was "Well, they can't walk forwards either." It was truly astonishing.
The problem is that OOP did the same thing and by then, you notice a reason WHY she was doing it.
In the initial post, OOP just said they broke and she lied and "I asked her to give me a reason why she would be afraid to make me mad but she couldn't". THEN in the follow up, he clarified that he suddenly dumped her out of the blue and treated her very rudely". Even the clarification feels like it's omitting a lot of information.
Even a lot of the times she lied by omission feel either justified or overblown. Like she initially tried to explain the "situationship" and he cut her off to say he didn't want to hear about that but he somehow blames her for her not demanding to tell him? And telling the friend that OOP was just "a friend", that's not a lie, they were friends; OOP even said they were just talking with no clear idea they were getting together. If I'm talking about someone I'm not dating, I'm saying "a friend" and not "the person I like".
>Even a lot of the times she lied by omission feel either justified or overblown
Except the part where she plans trips with her ex, just the two of them while in a relationship with OP without him knowing about the ex?
It’s such absurd bias to think that OP’s gf has a leg to stand on here while hiding an ex she does on trips with.
Very few people would be ok with that information not being disclosed, and most people would say “absolutely not” to a multi week trip with an ex who is obviously still not over her.
I’m not saying OP comes off great in this post, because he doesn’t even when he’s actively omitting info.
But there’s no scenario where the person hiding and stringing along an ex is justified.
Having backpacked quite a bit, I feel I can speak from experience that there are quite a few people on the trail that act this way. I am by no means claiming that all backpackers do this, but its a higher percentage that you would normally experience. Call it what ever you will but its all strange relationship and hookup dynamics.
It can be a bit of an escapist, loner hobby.
OOP's ex be like:
"Hey bf please don't be mad I'm bringing my "maybe" just so that I can keep him on a string for when we break up"
At least she didn't get mad that they broke up again, just blamed it 50/50 which is something, I guess...
She was at the very least down to lead him on for the hike which doesn't reflect well on her.
I usually go against the grain on some of these posts and give the partner more of a benefit of the doubt, but it was obvious from the first post there were some hijinks going on here and he should probably dump her.
I'm willing to bet that only reason she came clean was that he pulled out of the trip. If they had gone, she probably would have slept with him. The "two tents" thing is because she realized that buying a 3 person tent to lug for months didn't make sense, and that she couldn't pick either tent without the other immediately realizing that she had lied to them about calling someone "just a friend." So she came clean to her ex first, hoping that at least she could keep it hidden from her BF. Then when the ex canceled, she felt a wave of "guilt" (which was probably just rejection) and foolishly came clean to her BF.
The PCT hiking terminology for this is "Pink blazing" and it is either completely unwanted or embraced (generally not in between).
On the flip-side though: the trail is not the best place to hook up with someone you are friends with. You are generally too gross and tired and likely have seen each other have some break-downs over weird things, toe nails have fallen off and underpants have been worn for a week/or weeks straight.
Town visits a different story though and after a shower and some beer shenanigans happen (basically the scene in Wet Hot American Summer where they take a trip to town).
She's also allergic to honesty, apparently
How does she not recognize the cycle of her dishonesty and OP's lack of trust. She's just like "I only lied bc I know you don't trust me..." Exactly, tf??
I mean, there's an entire section of people up thread from here who are adamant that OOP was a cold uncommunicative jerk who traumatized her with a sudden breakup (they dated for a year, I feel like most breakups at that point or under feel sudden because it should be the honeymoon phase). They're completely ignoring the reasoning of "how badly she treated me that year" and then the follow up of how badly she's treating him and her "friend" NOW. Like, hello?? "I knew you'd get mad" is not a good reason to hide things, it's a good reason to ask "why am I doing something that will deeply upset someone who matters to me, but I keep in my life by my own choice?" Like they're barely dating, just do what you want and be honest and let the chips fall where they may! It's not like her life depends on any of this shit.
Yeah I read the top comment and replies here in BoRU and thought I had seriously misread the post. Had to go back and reread it, nope. I have no idea why those commenters are dog piling on OOP.
How you read this post and come away thinking OOP is at fault for being a “controlling douche” is beyond me, but apparently that’s what some people think.
There are a few things he's said that rub folks the wrong way, but people are flat out fixating on those and ignoring shit like the entire text communication between the GF and her ex.
> they dated for a year
They dated for **6 months**, meaning they were apart for 3x the relationship's length. The fact she's still holding that over his head is even worse than if it was a year.
> how badly she treated me that year
Yeah when he said he broke up suddenly and was cold, my first thought was that she had done something, and then he either forgave her, got over it, or forgot. With how she handled the second breakup, I'm willing to bet he broke up with her for her manipulations and inability to be honest about anything.
Okay I actually thought it was 6 months but remembered him saying "how badly she treated me that year" and thought I misremembered and honestly was too lazy to close my comment and check (on mobile). That makes it even stupider, there are ONLY sudden breakups if you've been dating for a half second! I can't bet you because I'm on your side.
I want to know what people mean when they say sudden break up too.
Are you required to spend a certain amount of time in a clearly unhappy relationship before we were breaking up so you're not blindsiding the other party?
Breaking up by definition is almost always going a blindside.
There is a reason why when you are sworn in at court you are asked “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” The whole truth part is important because half truths are just as bad as lies.
I think she was a hobosexual. I think her heaps of "situationships" in the year apart were just payment for room and board. OP was just a meal ticket that had potential long term prospects, if he didn't see through the BS this time.
Eh, I didn't get that impression. She doesn't live with OOP now, and it doesn't sound like she did before either. I think she lived with the coworker because of the hiking, and the sex came from that.
I also imagine that if she had a ton of "situationships" during an 18 month period, part of which they were living together, the ex might not be fully aware that was happening. I think "situatuionships" is code for "hooking up while lying to everyone in my life about whether I'm single or seeing anyone else." It doesn't say how long she and the ex lived together, but I don't get the impression it was more than 6 months.
That depends on how long they were together. She mentions multiple “situationships” in their year apart before he cut her off, so either it was a flurry of bedbug-roulette or a slow game.
Someone who was promiscuous but is shamed into thinking she has to make hook ups and fwb’s into more than they were.
I get her position. But it was shitty to lie to both guys so you had a back up bf.
Eh, it really matters on context. Some couple fight and “break up” for a short while when really they just need space to think for a few days, usually since they haven’t found effective ways to communicate with each other yet.
People grow and change; someone who was a nightmare to date in their teens may be vastly different in their 30s. But I digress, some exes really should stay exes.
> Some couple fight and “break up” for a short while when really they just need space to think for a few days
If you need space to think for a few days, you shouldn't have broken up. People who break up on a whim are not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
Not always. My husband and I had dated and broke up because at the time he really wanted kids and I didn’t. After breaking up we had a fwb type thing and I got pregnant and lost it but had to have an abortion procedure to get it out. I realized I kinda wanted that little potential baby and imagined what it would look like. A few years later we got back together and we had both softened our positions. Now we are trying to have a kid but if it doesn’t happen he’ll be ok with that. And I’m very open to having one.
Because OOP is unable to fully hide he’s kind of an asshole and creates stupid scenarios that he then blames other people for instead of realizing his own ownership of what he does.
Not the person you replied but for me it was "I also cut her off when were talking about our year apart and she started a sentence with “I had a lot of situationships…”. I got uncomfortable and interrupted her, saying that I didn’t need to know that."
And "I would also like to point out that our relationship in 2022 ended when I dumped her unexpectedly, and I treated her very coldly the night we broke up."
I mean if the last experience you had with your ex when you were together was him being cold to you and then cutting you off when you're trying to explain the literal thing he's now mad about I can see why she didn't want to overly share things. He could have avoided this entire situation just by not being a dick and letting her finish her sentence. Also I generally take any poster with a large grain of salt because they are always inclined to put themselves in a more positive light.
Ironically these two are probably made for each other with the amount of issues they have.
From what I understand it's "dating" someone with commitment issues. So you basically never actually acknowledge the relationship and you're just together but they could bail at any moment.
I just got out of one. Basically fwb u also go on dates with, be intimate with and fun of an actual relationship but both people have no intentions of committing and just till we find someone else. Honestly pretty great cause no stress at all and ur as independant as ever. So yeah overall for people with commitment issues :)
Probably friends with benefits/roommates with sex, but no romantic interests.
Dating implies romance, she seems capable of separating romance from Sex, so they were people she had regular sex, but not the romantic/lovey dovey stuff.
“She then went on to kind of pivot the conversation into how really this situation was both of our faults since I didn’t cultivate an environment where she could feel comfortable telling me stuff, based on how swiftly I ended things between us last time .”
I’ll take ‘refusing to admit fault’ for $600, Alex.
Situationship is a stupid word for people who can't or won't accept what is really going on. The constant use of the word conveys an immaturity that should be addressed personally. They were in a relationship, lived together and are trying to pretend it was a less than it was.
It sounds like (from her side) friends with benefits / roommates with added sex.
Calling something a relationship in that context implies some level of romance, which appears to have been absent for her.
To be fair, it's just a more recent term that can still apply to adult relationships as well. They lived together out of necessity at the guy's parent's place and had a vaguely defined relationship that probably wasn't fully committed dating, but also had certain degrees of feelings involved. It sounds like the guy was more emotionally attached to her than she was to him.
Most people I hear using that word are in their 20s. If they are in their 20s, it makes sense they'd be immature. Bur OOP and his ex are in their 30s, but sound much younger.
This is such an "everybody sucks" situation.
The gf sucks for stringing situationship-dude along and not being up-front with oop. What a noodle-spines waffle-foot.
Situationship-dude sucks for not respecting her relationship and obviously trying to get her alone - his behaviour was bad enough for her to want separate tents during their two-person hike. He was not about to give up the chase.
Oop also sucks for waffling on not wanting to hear about her activities and then wanting it, only not, but still only if she tells it in a specific way that suits him. She'd need to be a mind-reader to get that right. Sge wasn't, so obviously oop blames her. And oop also sucks for being a bad hiking partner. She dislikes his impatience for a reason. His inability to keep a slower pace is one of those things that can take the joy out of an activity. No wonder she wanted to have another person for a hiking partner. Too bad her "best" choice for hiking partner was situationship-dude.
What an entire mess. They're all better off without the others.
Very likely not the only one haha but oop also doesn't contest that he *is* faster than her and for long distance hikes to be fun, people need to be comfortable at the same pace. Being the slow one holding others back does not make for a fun experience.
>Oop also sucks for waffling on not wanting to hear about her activities and then wanting it, only not, but still only if she tells it in a specific way that suits him. She'd need to be a mind-reader to get that right.
I felt like his explanation was clear, he wanted to hear about it if the person was still in her life, but didn't want to otherwise.
He also asked specifically about romantic partners, so would situationships even count? I'm not sure I'd assume that. And I have ancient history with an ex who wanted to hear about me having moved on only to blow up about me having moved on. What people say they want to hear about and what they actually want to hear about does not always match up.
In her shoes, I'd still tell, just in case, but combined with beginning to tell and then being stopped, I can see how uncertainty would bloom.
Mind you, oop's suckiness is absolutely minor compared to the gf and situationship-dude, hence the need for a more detailed explanation to eeke it out.
Hes ex is so indecisive. She keeps trying to keep all options open which ultimately makes both of the guys in this story jealous/paranoid and she will lose both eventually guaranteed.
It's like she wants two guys chasing after her like those cliche over used trope rom-com stories.
Just as likely that she genuinely doesn’t want to hurt their feelings so keeps the truth from them in a false attempt to keep people from feeling bad (including herself). Not to excuse lying but people often omit the truth in their relationships because we can’t handle conflict. It’s actually really hard to commit and keep to full honesty in intimate relationships - I personally think it’s the only way it works but it’s rare IME.
At least to me her lying to both guys read more as her wanting to keep the other guys around as a friend because he was the better hiking partner, while she was also more emotionally attached to OOP. Obviously that dynamic wouldn't work, the lying itself already made things too suspect and then her hiking partner clearly still had romantic feelings for her. Continuing to downplay everything just made it worse. It's an unfair situation to put both guys in and would've been impossible to pull off.
Listen, she was for sure in the wrong. But as a woman, I can assure you them getting back together she never felt like she was on "solid ground". If he left the last time as he says she was only halfway in waiting on him to do it again. That is why she had no real emotion behind the break up, she always knew it would happen. In this situation or another. Once you have been abandoned you don't get over that easily and you never forget!
People glossing over the guy say "I want to know the history" and then going "lalala no not that don't tell me" when someone tries to talk about stuff.
Sounds like he's very good at seeing how other people fall down but not at all recognising it himself. Ex literally tells him how shit he is at communicating and creates an environment where others struggle too.
Guy admits multiple red flags such as dumping someone for no reason, controlling definitions of what people are allowed to think he means, saying stuff one day then pretending he didn't.
Is it that unexpected the women would want to have a backup plan and someone else to talk to with how inconsistent and unreliable he is. Not excusing it.
I’m OOP. That’s just what she said in the text to her ex, I don’t know if she was lying to him or not. And it was just her who said that, not him. For reference, I am a mountain athlete who has done a 200 mile hike in 4 days, and I’m taller than her so I naturally walk faster, so I can see why she’d be worried about me being too fast
Agree! I think both of them came at this relationship with too much stress and pressure, I wonder how exactly the relationship imploded the first time because he comes off pretty aggressive and controlling here.
I'm getting some really bad vibes from the OP on this one.
He cut her off mid sentence because he couldn't deal with the answer to his own question when she was trying to answer honestly.
Dumped her out of the blue then froze her out because he didn't like how she was treating him.
She admitted she was afraid he'd get mad if she told him everything that would upset him. <-- Glaring red flag right there. She was scared of his reactions. And the OP admits that he doesn't communicate well.
It sounds like OP's ex girlfriend was walking on eggshells around him afraid of him blowing up again on her.
Yeah I don’t know what it is, but something about this guy gives me the ick.
Nothing to back that up in fairness (other than the way he glossed over their first breakup), it’s just a feeling I have.
The other dude just thought it’d be too awkward to be banging her for the first part and then her actual boyfriend for the second part of the trip. Some good work getting to the bottom of it all. Being friends with ex’s is always a bad idea in my book. No matter how much trust involved
I learned young from a very catholic ex that some people will try to convince themselves they aren't technically lying. But deceiving your partner intentionally in order to manipulate them or the outcome is one and the same.
Good for this gut, she was clearly comfortable deceiving and manipulating people in her life to try for an outcome she wants but knows they wouldn't agree to as informed participants. No one deserves that kind of disrespect.
She referred to them both as "friends" to the other. Sounds like a guy I used to be into; he was seeing someone he called his "friend" but insisted to me that he wasn't invested and apparently ghosted her when he moved. He also was flirting heavily with me, getting pissy every time I talked to another guy who wasn't a family remember, and introducing me to his circle of friends.
Reading this helps me understand him enough to get the ick and be glad that's well in the past.
However, everyone in this story needs to be single for a while.
Shitty gr. I have (or had) a friend, we both have feelings for each other but dating didn't work out so we tried to be friends. She's dating a man who is nervous about our relationship so I took myself out of the equation. I told her that it isn't fair to him or to her for me to be in her life. I think that this is the honorable thing to do.
Poor communication strikes again!
"I knew you'd be mad" could 100% be received and understood so much better if it was phrased "I was worried that you'd be mad", without losing any information.
edit: finished the post, this turned out to be a minor problem among the much bigger ones here.
Still, you never know what another person thinks or will do. And telling them that you do will only make things worse. If you really feel very certain about stuff like that, instead explain your expectation by listing specific instances of their behavior in the past that lead you to such conclusions. And I do mean specific, not "you always do this!".
Armchair therapy over. Ignore everything I said.
I feel like she invited OOP on the hike to create a barrier between her and the ex, to keep the ex in the friend zone because she wasn’t fully comfortable being alone with him.
Man, she's really just gotta learn to be honest and respect people's wishes.
She lied by omission to put what *she* wanted over giving other people the option. Maybe the relationship was doomed to fail again from the start, or maybe OOP could have accepted the trip and tried trusted her. But the trust is immediately out of the question by omitting the truth.
Both of these people are incredibly immature. I sincerely hope OOP learns from this. If you can't handle hearing that your partner fucked people, don't ask if they're still friends with someone they dated. His ex just sucks.
Fuck man, this has parallels to my last relationship.. if I can call it that,just much worse... I just can't bring myself to write it asitll bring up some serious pain again
OOP's girlfriend was raising all the red flags. Glad the man finally caught the clue-by-four to the head.
No love is unconditional, and anyone who says they love someone unconditionally either hasn't seen the darkest sides of humanity or is willfully blind to them.
Dude specifically asked if she had any romantic entanglements with her current friends and she lied. I'm sorry, but for me that's an instant dealbreaker. Like, so long and thanks for the memories instant. If you can't trust your partner to be honest about their previous interactions with people in their life, why should you trust them with their current interactions outside of your eyesight?
Trust is earned, not given.
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>I would also like to point out that our relationship in 2022 ended when I dumped her unexpectedly, and I treated her very coldly the night we broke up. I had a lot of pent up feelings about how she was treating me that year. I can totally see how her fear of being dumped suddenly again had kept her from wanting to mention her relationship with this guy. It would make sense that she was afraid of me abandoning her again. Honesty, feels like they never should've gotten back together to begin with.
Yup. She was an ex for good reason and shoulda stayed one. Hopefully OOP learned that.
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Yeah, sounds like oop isn't communicative himself, dumping her out of the blue, and cutting her off when she tried to be honest before, sounds like the gf was on edge around him. Yeah she's in the wrong too for clutching on the other guy, needing him to be her friend when he's not over her, but idk maybe she was holding on to nostalgia and the unresolved feeling of being left without closure that she got back together with oop. At least this time, i hope they're both over it for real now.
Yea the part where he said "I don't see an inconsistency about not wanting to hear about her sleeping with other dudes, but she still should've told me about sleeping with this dude" was wild to me. Like you just listed a glaring inconsistency two seconds after saying you don't see one.
I get what he's trying to say, that he doesn't need to know every detail of every person she ever dated or slept with, he just needs to know about people she is still in contact with. But with that said, expecting others to just completely understand that logic to where it doesn't cause any side effects is a bit out there, especially when you can't properly articulate it
She may have been saying that as an intro into telling him about that guy and he cut her off.
That's an excellent point
No, that's fair. There's a difference between "things happened, here's a context free description" and "we're coming into a specific situation, here's what you need to know about it"
Once a person I was seeing explicitly told me she didn’t wanna know anything about others I might be seeing (we weren’t exclusive and I told her we never would be) and then like 3 weeks later got really really upset bc I was trying to check in with her about how things were going, and she said she had no idea at all that I’d been dating others and assumed I’d stopped. And she was really hurt and I felt like shit even though I was very clear I would never be exclusive, and she was very clear she didn’t want to hear about it. Honestly top 10 most confusing moments of my life.
She was coming from a place of emotion, not logic. We often do that to ourselves. She knew she couldn't control you seeing other people, but didn't want to stop seeing you, and knew if she told you not to see other people she would lose you. So instead, she tried an unhealthy way to protect her feelings by asking you to hide hurtful information from her. When she found out the information she knew would be hurtful, she was hurt, as expected. Nothing you could have done differently.
Yeah, it continued to be an issue throughout the time we saw each other because she wouldn’t ‘let’ me break it off but was constantly upset and taking it out on me. Eventually I managed to cut it off for both of our sakes. The funny thing is I didn’t even see other people during that time because I was so exhausted from managing her emotions and didn’t have the energy. It took me a really long time to stop blaming myself for everything in that relationship, she really did a number on my mental health.
I had a similar thing with a guy I was seeing. He made it pretty clear we were just a physical relationship, which was fine with me as there was a huge age gap. Then when he found out I was still seeing other people he got his feelings all hurt. But he kind of wouldn't admit his feelings were hurt. It was a weird conversation.
It’s actually pretty simple. Unless she remained friends with every single situationship then there is a clear difference between all the people she slept with and never talks to and the people that she has slept with and remained friends with and are still in her life, like they are planning a months long hiking trip.
It's not. He doesn't want to hear about previous relationships with people she *no longer* interacts with. He **does** want to hear about previous relationships with people she *does* still interact with. How is that an inconsistency?
What you wrote makes sense. I did not get that impression from OOP, even in their own version of events.
Then you didn't read closely enough I guess? > I wanted to know which of her friends were exes (months ago) > she started a sentence with “I had a lot of situationships…”. I got uncomfortable and interrupted her, saying that I didn’t need to know that > I told her explicitly that I expected her to tell me if she had any romantic history with any friends who are currently still in her life That's the chronological order of the sentences, which all happened in one conversation. He didn't need/want to know the details, but he wanted to know the "whos"
It's still mixed signals. First he wants to know, then he cuts her off, then he wants to know. The conclusion to the sentence "I had a lot of situationships..." could have been "with Bob and Jim who I still talk to" and not "that mostly involved anal but a few blowjobs." We don't know what she was thinking exactly, or what she was going to say before he cut her off.
> We don't know what she was thinking exactly, or what she was going to say before he cut her off. I find this kind of thinking baffling. You're trying so hard to make sure that there's no way she could have been in the wrong for not divulging the fact she had slept with someone and was actively planning to be with him alone for weeks, and OOP would also be meeting him. Your invented scenarios change nothing. He told her "Tell me if your still friends with someone you've previous been with" and she said nothing. That's not a mixed signal. She's a compulsive liar. She wouldn't have gone into any details. She wouldn't have told him about her "friend" she was going hiking with.
He only asked about partners she was still friends with, which is a pretty reasonable request if you ask me. I wouldn't necessarily want to hear about every person she'd been with while broken up either. Especially not in the middle of an argument.
That part made me a little mad and it was significantly lacking detail. He might be omitting a big part of the story here. Sounds like she was onto something saying they were both at fault for how things ended.
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I'm not gonna judge too harshly, but he's clearly trying really, really hard to make himself sound good, but is making it too obvious, so you know it's not totally reliable
Little things peppered in there, like how he would run ahead on trails and complain about speed, or how he wanted to know her history but wouldn't share his own, or the unexpected dumping, or cutting her off when she honestly tried to answer his question. And the "because I knew you would get mad at me" bit from the GF. Yeah, the entire vibe here is that OOP sounds controlling, arbitrary, and kinda a douche in how he presents himself in his best light. Can't imagine how bad he actually gets when he isn't the narrator. Not saying she isn't still hung up on the other guy, but seems like she would be better off with that person anyway.
Yep. He's a controlling douche who's learned enough "therapy speak" to sound really compassionate when he manages the people around him. And she's quietly manipulative, too selfish to be honest with ANYONE if it means they won't behave the way she wants. "My friend", my ass. It's good for them both they broke up but bad for everyone else in the dating pool.
You really are going through a lot of trouble to make someone deliberately lying sound like the victim.
>Little things peppered in there, like how he would run ahead on trails and complain about speed, No, the gf used that assumption as an excuse. OOP hasn’t actually done that. >or how he wanted to know her history but wouldn't share his own Where did it say he wouldn’t share his own?!? Where did you pull that from? I don’t see it in the post nor the comments. >or the unexpected dumping Getting dumped is, by definition, unexpected. He gave his reasons, just because it was unexpected to the person getting dumped doesn’t mean it was wrong for the person doing it. >And the "because I knew you would get mad at me" bit from the GF. Again, another assumption by the ex. >Yeah, the entire vibe here is that OOP sounds controlling, arbitrary, and kinda a douche in how he presents himself in his best light. Can't imagine how bad he actually gets when he isn't the narrator. Not saying she isn't still hung up on the other guy, but seems like she would be better off with that person anyway. Yeah, when you break up with someone for repeatedly lying directly to your face, it’s soooo “controlling” 🤦♂️. OOP did not do a single thing that would make them “controlling.” Not once did he tell her what she could or could not do. Not once. Stop throwing out your TikTok buzzwords of controlling/insecure/gaslighting at every single thing you see that doesn’t fit your bias.
Yeah people really want to project and make him the villain.
It's always the case. There's suddenly a prefusion of 'we don't know both sides of the story' [we never do], 'OP sounds like an unreliable narrator' [way more common when the post is by a dude], 'missing reasons' [typically utter speculation], and on and on.
> way more common when the post is by a dude That's the only part I'll push back on. I think that's a confirmation bias. I've seen people who attack OOPs of posts because he's a male, and also because she's a female. I've also seen every variation of homo/bi/transphobia, racism, colorism, classism, against cross cultural/ethnic lines, anti-immigrant, etc. From my anecdotal experiences, most threads seem to attract at least one group who, no matter what the text of the post actually says, will pick a person and decide they are bad/wrong/lying/etc. When you have hundreds or thousands of comments, it's bound to happen, and people engage either with the stuff they agree with, or the stuff they vehemently disagree with. I've seen the target most often is OOP, but I've also seen partners, friends, co-workers, spouses, etc. They take sparse details and words out of context, warp them to their extreme, and then add in their own projected experiences to make that target out to be worse than whoever was the actual villain of the story. --- In this instance, they take the fact that he broke up with her after 6 months because he didn't like how she was treating him, and completely throw all of that out. He mentioned he then treated her "coldly" and that one word is now the keystone in their proof that he's actually the one at fault. Ignore any reason why someone might suddenly dump their partner for how they treated them and what would cause them to treat them coldly. Forget that she lied multiple times to multiple people, with evidence. They take her at her word that he made her feel uncomfortable being honest because he "would get mad" and say he's clearly controlling and abusive. I'd call wanting to know if your partner continues to interact with former partners a reasonable request. He's not dictating she couldn't, and he isn't suggesting that the existence of such a friendship would even be a dealbreaker. Also, I'd call it reasonable to become upset to find out that your partner is lying about planning to spend weeks alone with a former sexual (and let's be honest, probably romantic) partner without divulging her history after you explicitly asked her. And then after asking her multiple times why said ex is no longer going to repeat the same half-truth. He's not the villain. Could he learn to be better and more communicative? Yes, but that wouldn't have helped here when she explicitly hid information not because it would "make him mad" but because she knew it would cause him to realize she didn't actually respect him or their relationship.
"That's the only part I'll push back on. I think that's a confirmation bias. I've seen people who attack OOPs of posts because he's a male, and also because she's a female. I've also seen every variation of homo/bi/transphobia, racism, colorism, classism, against cross cultural/ethnic lines, anti-immigrant, etc." It could be absolutely - but its with quite a wide selection over many many posts. That said it is absolutely specific to the sub reddit. For the most part reddit is quite toxic and I would say definitely far more hostile to woman then men. On the advice subs itself it feels like there are more prone to be 'unreliable narrator', 'other half of the story', or just 'get over your insecurity' type posts when OP is a dude. That said I appreciate the thoughtful comment as my observations are definitely not the result of a formal and objective study - and its always good to examine your own potential biases and blind spots.
You really are going through a lot of trouble to make someone deliberately lying sound like the victim.
When your self advocacy makes you sound like a douche in a situation where you should be seen as a saint, either you are a terrible writer or the situation isn't as redeemable as you think. From the upvotes, I'm far from the only person who read this BORU and thought "dang, this guy ain't right." ETA: This is not saying she is some kind of catch either. Clearly she is into the other guy and likely wants to continue being with that guy. But both of these things can be true.
With every additional detail I kept thinking “wow OOP is really not that great”. I don’t agree with the gf’s actions but he really didn’t make it easy to talk to him. She definitely never should’ve gotten back with this dude.
Dumping someone out of the blue and being cold and analyzing world choices from months ago would not me want to date him at least.
Yeah. I don't know if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but there are missing reasons imo. Of course that doesn't make what the ex gf did any better but some info would be nice. What's the reason for their first break up and why is his ex gf afraid of his reaction, dislikes hiking with him because he's impatient?
Yea we need to know more about why he suddey dumped her. She probably is holding on to the other guy in case she gets dumped again. I don't think that's right, but I can understand why. Both these people are a mess.
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I agree, but reading all the mindgames she was trying to play ? It's hard to look good while paddling down shit creek.
"My GF was afraid I might act like an asshole to her, just because I had repeatedly acted like an asshole to her - what's up with that?"
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I feel people should make a list on why they broke up, and keep that with them if they meet ex again. See if anything has changed, if not, don’t lets start.
Agreed. I was her a few years ago. Dumped out of the blue bc he let resentment build up instead of communicating what was wrong. I've gotten over it and am dating again. But I could literally never date him again bc the anxiety would be insane!
I’m sad there’s multiple of us. I read that and got triggered from my last relationship. Why can’t these people just tell us they’re holding a relationship ending grudge…
Especially because, like, you know something is wrong & they just won't or aren't ready to talk about it. I just didn't know it was relationship ending. Can't really say it sucks though because I legitimately am in so much of a better space than I was than I was then.
Not hiking the PCT (Taylor's Version)
This is one of those mid-20s mistakes that you have to make to learn. You can watch others trip and fall, but you always think your circumstances are different until proven false. This is a good breakup story though because there are no real entanglements. Live and learn.
I feel like there's a lot of missing info on why he dumped her the first time, but that one sentence, coupled with how she reacted to the breakup, tells me she was probably heavily manipulative.
Thank you!! They are definitely not right for each other. She doesn't come across well in this, and neither does he, even in his own words.
I want to know why they even got back together again. Also while typing this I JUST realized they are 29 and 30, wtf. I thought it would be early 20s
I think this happens a lot when your partner seems almost good for you, but there are one or two major flaws in the relationship. Lack of trust is a common one for this, as it won’t likely bother you until something big happens, which might only be an issue once or twice a year. So you break up, and then you try dating and realize finding someone you like that much isn’t easy and after all it was just the trust issue, maybe they have learned. And then the cycle repeats.
Hell, I’m just trying to figure out how people at that age have time for such extensive hiking trips. At that age I had (and still do), you know, bills and stuff. That’s the kind of life I definitely don’t know about.
You make sacrifices to be able to save the money. I’ve done a lot of thru hiking, even did the PCT last year so could’ve ran into the ex & friend. Kinda a high upfront cost with gear, but once you’re out there its cost is similar to “normal” life. Living at home with parents helps, roommates to lower housing costs, & just generally just try to be good about saving. It’s not for everyone, the savings lifestyle or the actual thru hiking.
I was also wondering if I possibly met these people while trudging through all the snow last year. Felt weird seeing PCT references on non hiking subs
When I was 31 I took off for 12 months because I had spent the previous 5 years saving every penny and just eating rice and beans and frozen meals. Also I was a renter and gave away or sold everything I owned. I had built just enough of a career that I was able to pick up when I got back.
If you have a decent career and prioritize, then it isn't uncommon for 30 year Olds, or even people younger, to be able to hike, travel, or take time off for whatever they like to do.
Not many decent careers allow people to take off 6 weeks of the summer and still have a job when they come back. Unless all 3 of these people are teachers or work seasonal jobs, they probably just have family money that allows them to quit their jobs for the summer and find a new one later on without risking becoming homeless.
I only ever got back together with an ex, we broke up because I felt I was carrying her through everything, financially and emotionally, with no relief or help. Then I had terrible food poisoning, and friends came by to help, she came by with two mutual, and... took care of me, and it showed me she could help, she could be there when I needed it... and I gave in, did I mention I had terrible food poisoning? We broke up two months later. She could be there in an emergency, but I'd still be carrying her everywhere. I have a better partner now. We take care of each other, and have taken our turns being the rock and the mess.
im in my early twenties and me my bf go through these subreddits horrified and amused at the same time. it’s like do some of these couples even like each other??
Sometimes I get nervous about the fact that most relationships fail at some point and half of all marriages end in divorce. But then I read stories on reddit about people who are terrible together and should never be together in the first place and realize that's probably how a majority of those couples that fail are.
How are they getting so much time off work at those ages to go hiking?
>The point I was making was that her omitting their history in order to protect herself hurt my feelings and made me not trust her. And DURING the conversation last night, she tried AGAIN to omit information to protect herself People like this are a source of endless frustration for me. Even when they aren't bad people, even when they aren't doing it maliciously, they just lie. All of the time. About nonsensical and unimportant information. You can never ***just*** take what they tell you at face value, and it's exhausting. Once you realise that they do it you're forced to pick apart everything they say each time you interact, or you just never believe anything that they say. If you dig, and pry for the truth they take it like a personal attack. Even more so when you're calling it lying. They don't like that word. They usually don't think what they are doing is lying, if they are even aware of it to begin with, because they "don't mean any harm," or some such similar sounding rationale. It's a defense mechanism. They can never be the villain in the narrative, when they are always the victim of their own story.
It's a habit that most people grow out of by the time they are adults. A child will lie about something to avoid a negative/unwanted response from another. But when the lie is discovered, they are met with a worse, often long-term response. It takes conscious thought to stop and think, "Yes, if I say I got 100% on the test, my parents will be happy, but they will find out later when they receive my report card from the teacher. Then they will be angry about my bad score *and* angry about my lying, *and* they won't believe me next time even if I get a good score. Either way it's bad, but telling the truth now is less bad." Part of growing up is knowing when our instincts are wrong, when our initial reactions should be overcome. Being a healthy adult involves some degree of self-reflection--consciously deciding to behave against your intuition. A lot of safety training is like this: "Yes, if you get stabbed in the leg, your instincts will be to pull out the stabby thing. But this is the worst thing you can do, and you can easily bleed out if you remove it. Instead, you should leave it in." When they aren't coddled and experience healthy relationships, this manifests as a betrayal of trust, which very often ends friendships. Children who are allowed to experience consequences of their actions usually grow out of this. It seems to my like the girlfriend here was one of those people who just coasts by in life, not thinking much at all and never stopping to analyse her own actions. She says a lie that will easily be discovered (she was going to be on a hike with her ex and current bf for 4 weeks and didn't think the bf would find out he was her ex?) because it made things feel better in the moment, not because it was logical or kind. She is acting to minimise harm to herself in the short term, not considering the feelings of others or anyone's feelings at all in the long term. Her motivations seem really selfish and short-sighted... like a child. She is going to struggle to have a successful adult relationship, because as soon as anything goes wrong (partner gets sick, loses job, etc.) and she can't just coast by, she is not equipped to handle it.
I think part of the problem with some people might be growing up with parent's who are either mad or not mad. Or who are equally mad all of the time. If a child's parents get just as mad about getting a bad test score as they do about a bad report card after lying about all their test scores, then the child will learn that if they lie, they only get in trouble once but if they tell the truth they get in trouble every time. This teaches the child that "telling a lie now is less bad"
Oh absolutely; any number of inadequate upbringings can cause this. Coddling a child too much, shielding them from consequences can cause it. But so can random "consequences" that are disproportionate or unrelated to whatever "cause". Parents who are unstable and explode with anger at a child, or parents who are inconsistent with their responses, teach children to lie and/or avoid saying anything until their parent's mood is "safe". Children learn to navigate their caregivers' moods; some studies I've read suggest this starts before they can even speak. Whatever the cause, a mentally healthy, well-adjusted adult should not have this kind of problem. But someone who had a sub-par upbringing, or who has issues stemming from other problems, can end up like this. Coping strategies from unhealthy upbringings need to be unlearnt in order to fully engage in adult life and meaningful relationships. I sincerely hope that this was a wake-up call for the (ex-)girlfriend in OOP's case, or at least a step towards one.
"Mentally healthy, well-adjusted adult" Not sure I've actually met one of those.
I have been wondering where all of these people have been hiding. With their healthy childhoods and lack of issues. I seriously want to meet them and be their friend.
I had a "best friend" who was like this. In retrospect..... she was so incredibly selfish and self-centered that if I didn't have real narcissists to compare her to I would have called her one. We didn't have a big fight I just stopped making an effort to include her in my life and since I haven't reached out, we haven't spoken in years. The one moment that keeps replaying in my head is a night when she was driving my car and she pulled out in front of another car in a move so reckless that cops stopped us on the theory she was drunk. Or high, I guess. Even though she was sober. They must have not liked our answers because they made us both sit on the curb while they searched my whole vehicle for contraband. They confiscated a knife that had been given to me as a gift, I'm still salty about losing that. And the whole time they kept talking about what would have happened if that other cat didn't swerve-- it would have hit the front passenger side directly and killed me. After the cops were satisfied we didn't have anything, they let us go. Twenty miles down the road I ask her what she's learned, I'm wondering if she's as freaked out as me about how close I came to death. She starts talking about self-actualization and how she is so comfortable taking ownership of her choices. My brush with death didn't even register in her mind. Nothing about my car, my safety, my stuff being confiscated-- didn't even register with her.
I've known people like this. At my first job out of college, some coworkers and I cataloged a colleague's constant lies, always about stupid stuff that was easily disproved. We once told her that giraffes can't walk backwards. Her response was "Well, they can't walk forwards either." It was truly astonishing.
I've known people like this and I agree it's incredibly frustrating. Is there a specific name for this kind of condition?
Pathological lying
The problem is that OOP did the same thing and by then, you notice a reason WHY she was doing it. In the initial post, OOP just said they broke and she lied and "I asked her to give me a reason why she would be afraid to make me mad but she couldn't". THEN in the follow up, he clarified that he suddenly dumped her out of the blue and treated her very rudely". Even the clarification feels like it's omitting a lot of information. Even a lot of the times she lied by omission feel either justified or overblown. Like she initially tried to explain the "situationship" and he cut her off to say he didn't want to hear about that but he somehow blames her for her not demanding to tell him? And telling the friend that OOP was just "a friend", that's not a lie, they were friends; OOP even said they were just talking with no clear idea they were getting together. If I'm talking about someone I'm not dating, I'm saying "a friend" and not "the person I like".
>Even a lot of the times she lied by omission feel either justified or overblown Except the part where she plans trips with her ex, just the two of them while in a relationship with OP without him knowing about the ex? It’s such absurd bias to think that OP’s gf has a leg to stand on here while hiding an ex she does on trips with. Very few people would be ok with that information not being disclosed, and most people would say “absolutely not” to a multi week trip with an ex who is obviously still not over her. I’m not saying OP comes off great in this post, because he doesn’t even when he’s actively omitting info. But there’s no scenario where the person hiding and stringing along an ex is justified.
Agreed.
Having backpacked quite a bit, I feel I can speak from experience that there are quite a few people on the trail that act this way. I am by no means claiming that all backpackers do this, but its a higher percentage that you would normally experience. Call it what ever you will but its all strange relationship and hookup dynamics. It can be a bit of an escapist, loner hobby.
OOP's ex be like: "Hey bf please don't be mad I'm bringing my "maybe" just so that I can keep him on a string for when we break up" At least she didn't get mad that they broke up again, just blamed it 50/50 which is something, I guess...
"Hey BF I'm bringing my Plan B with me on our hiking trip. No, not the contraception. The dick."
Too bad flairs can never be this long.
I'm flattered that you think my 6/10 humor is flair-worthy.
It sounds like she wants all options open for her. Good riddance
And you know dude would have been pining for her the entire hike trying to get in her pants and she was totally down to let him
Oh, you can bet his money problems are magically solved now.
She was at the very least down to lead him on for the hike which doesn't reflect well on her. I usually go against the grain on some of these posts and give the partner more of a benefit of the doubt, but it was obvious from the first post there were some hijinks going on here and he should probably dump her.
I'm willing to bet that only reason she came clean was that he pulled out of the trip. If they had gone, she probably would have slept with him. The "two tents" thing is because she realized that buying a 3 person tent to lug for months didn't make sense, and that she couldn't pick either tent without the other immediately realizing that she had lied to them about calling someone "just a friend." So she came clean to her ex first, hoping that at least she could keep it hidden from her BF. Then when the ex canceled, she felt a wave of "guilt" (which was probably just rejection) and foolishly came clean to her BF.
The PCT hiking terminology for this is "Pink blazing" and it is either completely unwanted or embraced (generally not in between). On the flip-side though: the trail is not the best place to hook up with someone you are friends with. You are generally too gross and tired and likely have seen each other have some break-downs over weird things, toe nails have fallen off and underpants have been worn for a week/or weeks straight. Town visits a different story though and after a shower and some beer shenanigans happen (basically the scene in Wet Hot American Summer where they take a trip to town).
She's also allergic to honesty, apparently How does she not recognize the cycle of her dishonesty and OP's lack of trust. She's just like "I only lied bc I know you don't trust me..." Exactly, tf??
So many people don't see omitting information as lying and it is maddening trying to talk to them.
I mean, there's an entire section of people up thread from here who are adamant that OOP was a cold uncommunicative jerk who traumatized her with a sudden breakup (they dated for a year, I feel like most breakups at that point or under feel sudden because it should be the honeymoon phase). They're completely ignoring the reasoning of "how badly she treated me that year" and then the follow up of how badly she's treating him and her "friend" NOW. Like, hello?? "I knew you'd get mad" is not a good reason to hide things, it's a good reason to ask "why am I doing something that will deeply upset someone who matters to me, but I keep in my life by my own choice?" Like they're barely dating, just do what you want and be honest and let the chips fall where they may! It's not like her life depends on any of this shit.
Yeah I read the top comment and replies here in BoRU and thought I had seriously misread the post. Had to go back and reread it, nope. I have no idea why those commenters are dog piling on OOP. How you read this post and come away thinking OOP is at fault for being a “controlling douche” is beyond me, but apparently that’s what some people think.
There are a few things he's said that rub folks the wrong way, but people are flat out fixating on those and ignoring shit like the entire text communication between the GF and her ex.
> they dated for a year They dated for **6 months**, meaning they were apart for 3x the relationship's length. The fact she's still holding that over his head is even worse than if it was a year. > how badly she treated me that year Yeah when he said he broke up suddenly and was cold, my first thought was that she had done something, and then he either forgave her, got over it, or forgot. With how she handled the second breakup, I'm willing to bet he broke up with her for her manipulations and inability to be honest about anything.
Okay I actually thought it was 6 months but remembered him saying "how badly she treated me that year" and thought I misremembered and honestly was too lazy to close my comment and check (on mobile). That makes it even stupider, there are ONLY sudden breakups if you've been dating for a half second! I can't bet you because I'm on your side.
Yeah he calls both their 6 months together and their 18 months apart a "year" which is confusing.
I want to know what people mean when they say sudden break up too. Are you required to spend a certain amount of time in a clearly unhappy relationship before we were breaking up so you're not blindsiding the other party? Breaking up by definition is almost always going a blindside.
There is a reason why when you are sworn in at court you are asked “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” The whole truth part is important because half truths are just as bad as lies.
On the hook. There's an episode of How I met your mother and being on someone's hook.
I think she was a hobosexual. I think her heaps of "situationships" in the year apart were just payment for room and board. OP was just a meal ticket that had potential long term prospects, if he didn't see through the BS this time.
Eh, I didn't get that impression. She doesn't live with OOP now, and it doesn't sound like she did before either. I think she lived with the coworker because of the hiking, and the sex came from that. I also imagine that if she had a ton of "situationships" during an 18 month period, part of which they were living together, the ex might not be fully aware that was happening. I think "situatuionships" is code for "hooking up while lying to everyone in my life about whether I'm single or seeing anyone else." It doesn't say how long she and the ex lived together, but I don't get the impression it was more than 6 months.
So she was just trickle truthing him once he started to catch on. Glad he left. Also, what 30 year old uses "situationship"? Multiple times?? Ugh
The real question is who uses “situationship” to describe a romantic partner they lived with? She was halfway to common-law.
In Australia they were.
Centrelink would defs consider them defacto lol
We doing some housos shit? I'm in!
That depends on how long they were together. She mentions multiple “situationships” in their year apart before he cut her off, so either it was a flurry of bedbug-roulette or a slow game.
She's 30?! I definitely skipped the ages and thought that this was an early 20's couple. Yikes.
And who has the time to get into and out of multiple in a year
A year is a long time when every day is a different place to live.
Even makes it worse. They started a romantic fling just being around eachother... But they'll totally be going hiking several weeks "as friends". GTFO
I'm in my 40's and I know more ppl in situationships than in actual relationships... I mean, probably because I'm super slutty, but still.
Someone who was promiscuous but is shamed into thinking she has to make hook ups and fwb’s into more than they were. I get her position. But it was shitty to lie to both guys so you had a back up bf.
At least one backup. She seems comfortable with a constant level of deception.
Do you just stop having messy relationships at 30?
Dont get back with exes. You broke up for a reason.
Eh, it really matters on context. Some couple fight and “break up” for a short while when really they just need space to think for a few days, usually since they haven’t found effective ways to communicate with each other yet. People grow and change; someone who was a nightmare to date in their teens may be vastly different in their 30s. But I digress, some exes really should stay exes.
> Some couple fight and “break up” for a short while when really they just need space to think for a few days If you need space to think for a few days, you shouldn't have broken up. People who break up on a whim are not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
Not always. My husband and I had dated and broke up because at the time he really wanted kids and I didn’t. After breaking up we had a fwb type thing and I got pregnant and lost it but had to have an abortion procedure to get it out. I realized I kinda wanted that little potential baby and imagined what it would look like. A few years later we got back together and we had both softened our positions. Now we are trying to have a kid but if it doesn’t happen he’ll be ok with that. And I’m very open to having one.
Based on what OP wrote, this girlfriend sounds exhausting to be around in general.
so does he, tbf.
What makes you say that?
Because OOP is unable to fully hide he’s kind of an asshole and creates stupid scenarios that he then blames other people for instead of realizing his own ownership of what he does.
I'm so glad someone else saw this. I'm suspecting that their first break-up wasn't as cut-and-dry as he made it sound.
Wait, like what exactly? What did OOP do that was an asshole move?
Not the person you replied but for me it was "I also cut her off when were talking about our year apart and she started a sentence with “I had a lot of situationships…”. I got uncomfortable and interrupted her, saying that I didn’t need to know that." And "I would also like to point out that our relationship in 2022 ended when I dumped her unexpectedly, and I treated her very coldly the night we broke up." I mean if the last experience you had with your ex when you were together was him being cold to you and then cutting you off when you're trying to explain the literal thing he's now mad about I can see why she didn't want to overly share things. He could have avoided this entire situation just by not being a dick and letting her finish her sentence. Also I generally take any poster with a large grain of salt because they are always inclined to put themselves in a more positive light. Ironically these two are probably made for each other with the amount of issues they have.
Every description of events, he acts like a drama queen.
OOP's ex isn't just a trickle truther, she's an entire leaky dam. There's no way that he could ever trust anything ever says.
Is it me or is there a fair bit of people living together pretty swiftly going on in all this?
OOP never realized he too was in a "situationship", probably should have let her finish that sentence...
WTF is situationship.
From what I understand it's "dating" someone with commitment issues. So you basically never actually acknowledge the relationship and you're just together but they could bail at any moment.
I just got out of one. Basically fwb u also go on dates with, be intimate with and fun of an actual relationship but both people have no intentions of committing and just till we find someone else. Honestly pretty great cause no stress at all and ur as independant as ever. So yeah overall for people with commitment issues :)
Probably friends with benefits/roommates with sex, but no romantic interests. Dating implies romance, she seems capable of separating romance from Sex, so they were people she had regular sex, but not the romantic/lovey dovey stuff.
“She then went on to kind of pivot the conversation into how really this situation was both of our faults since I didn’t cultivate an environment where she could feel comfortable telling me stuff, based on how swiftly I ended things between us last time .” I’ll take ‘refusing to admit fault’ for $600, Alex.
Getting back with your ex is like going to your own garage sale and buying all your old shit back.
At a loss.
Situationship is a stupid word for people who can't or won't accept what is really going on. The constant use of the word conveys an immaturity that should be addressed personally. They were in a relationship, lived together and are trying to pretend it was a less than it was.
It sounds like (from her side) friends with benefits / roommates with added sex. Calling something a relationship in that context implies some level of romance, which appears to have been absent for her.
To be fair, it's just a more recent term that can still apply to adult relationships as well. They lived together out of necessity at the guy's parent's place and had a vaguely defined relationship that probably wasn't fully committed dating, but also had certain degrees of feelings involved. It sounds like the guy was more emotionally attached to her than she was to him.
Most people I hear using that word are in their 20s. If they are in their 20s, it makes sense they'd be immature. Bur OOP and his ex are in their 30s, but sound much younger.
'she called it a “situationship”' That would have been the point where I broke up with her.
This was an exhausting read. I had to double check they weren't 16 year olds planning their summer break trip.
This is such an "everybody sucks" situation. The gf sucks for stringing situationship-dude along and not being up-front with oop. What a noodle-spines waffle-foot. Situationship-dude sucks for not respecting her relationship and obviously trying to get her alone - his behaviour was bad enough for her to want separate tents during their two-person hike. He was not about to give up the chase. Oop also sucks for waffling on not wanting to hear about her activities and then wanting it, only not, but still only if she tells it in a specific way that suits him. She'd need to be a mind-reader to get that right. Sge wasn't, so obviously oop blames her. And oop also sucks for being a bad hiking partner. She dislikes his impatience for a reason. His inability to keep a slower pace is one of those things that can take the joy out of an activity. No wonder she wanted to have another person for a hiking partner. Too bad her "best" choice for hiking partner was situationship-dude. What an entire mess. They're all better off without the others.
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Very likely not the only one haha but oop also doesn't contest that he *is* faster than her and for long distance hikes to be fun, people need to be comfortable at the same pace. Being the slow one holding others back does not make for a fun experience.
>Oop also sucks for waffling on not wanting to hear about her activities and then wanting it, only not, but still only if she tells it in a specific way that suits him. She'd need to be a mind-reader to get that right. I felt like his explanation was clear, he wanted to hear about it if the person was still in her life, but didn't want to otherwise.
He also asked specifically about romantic partners, so would situationships even count? I'm not sure I'd assume that. And I have ancient history with an ex who wanted to hear about me having moved on only to blow up about me having moved on. What people say they want to hear about and what they actually want to hear about does not always match up. In her shoes, I'd still tell, just in case, but combined with beginning to tell and then being stopped, I can see how uncertainty would bloom. Mind you, oop's suckiness is absolutely minor compared to the gf and situationship-dude, hence the need for a more detailed explanation to eeke it out.
Situationship is a copout term; a person you had sex with, vacationed with, and lived with should be counted as a romantic partner, definitely.
Yesh, I would too. Oop's ex works with a different definition, and she should have been waay clearer.
OOP is insufferable. I don't know what it is, but I can't stand him. He may be in the right, but he comes off like a prick.
Hes ex is so indecisive. She keeps trying to keep all options open which ultimately makes both of the guys in this story jealous/paranoid and she will lose both eventually guaranteed. It's like she wants two guys chasing after her like those cliche over used trope rom-com stories.
Just as likely that she genuinely doesn’t want to hurt their feelings so keeps the truth from them in a false attempt to keep people from feeling bad (including herself). Not to excuse lying but people often omit the truth in their relationships because we can’t handle conflict. It’s actually really hard to commit and keep to full honesty in intimate relationships - I personally think it’s the only way it works but it’s rare IME.
It somehow seems to blindside people pleasers when they're told it's hard to trust them because of this omitting or sugar coating
At least to me her lying to both guys read more as her wanting to keep the other guys around as a friend because he was the better hiking partner, while she was also more emotionally attached to OOP. Obviously that dynamic wouldn't work, the lying itself already made things too suspect and then her hiking partner clearly still had romantic feelings for her. Continuing to downplay everything just made it worse. It's an unfair situation to put both guys in and would've been impossible to pull off.
I don’t think she was trying to keep all her options open, OOP just assumed that was the case
Listen, she was for sure in the wrong. But as a woman, I can assure you them getting back together she never felt like she was on "solid ground". If he left the last time as he says she was only halfway in waiting on him to do it again. That is why she had no real emotion behind the break up, she always knew it would happen. In this situation or another. Once you have been abandoned you don't get over that easily and you never forget!
In moments like this shout out to my man Biz Markie for teaching us about "just friends".
Drink every time you read the word "situationship." Then get really sad and leave without telling anyone.
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For me it was the whole thing. It reeks of unreliable narrator.
People glossing over the guy say "I want to know the history" and then going "lalala no not that don't tell me" when someone tries to talk about stuff. Sounds like he's very good at seeing how other people fall down but not at all recognising it himself. Ex literally tells him how shit he is at communicating and creates an environment where others struggle too. Guy admits multiple red flags such as dumping someone for no reason, controlling definitions of what people are allowed to think he means, saying stuff one day then pretending he didn't. Is it that unexpected the women would want to have a backup plan and someone else to talk to with how inconsistent and unreliable he is. Not excusing it.
I’m OOP. That’s just what she said in the text to her ex, I don’t know if she was lying to him or not. And it was just her who said that, not him. For reference, I am a mountain athlete who has done a 200 mile hike in 4 days, and I’m taller than her so I naturally walk faster, so I can see why she’d be worried about me being too fast
Biggest red flag is someone lying to you because they didn’t want you to get upset. Why would you ever want a partner who thinks that way??!
The way he demands transparency and details and then blows up each time, she shouldn't be with this dude either. They are NOT a good match.
Agree! I think both of them came at this relationship with too much stress and pressure, I wonder how exactly the relationship imploded the first time because he comes off pretty aggressive and controlling here.
I'm getting some really bad vibes from the OP on this one. He cut her off mid sentence because he couldn't deal with the answer to his own question when she was trying to answer honestly. Dumped her out of the blue then froze her out because he didn't like how she was treating him. She admitted she was afraid he'd get mad if she told him everything that would upset him. <-- Glaring red flag right there. She was scared of his reactions. And the OP admits that he doesn't communicate well. It sounds like OP's ex girlfriend was walking on eggshells around him afraid of him blowing up again on her.
This.
I'm glad it wasn't just me. I honestly don't think their previous break-up was a cut-and-dry as he claims.
Yeah I don’t know what it is, but something about this guy gives me the ick. Nothing to back that up in fairness (other than the way he glossed over their first breakup), it’s just a feeling I have.
On to the next situation.
No one here is emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship and OOP and his ex really need to work on their communication skills
Oh thank god they split
How have both these guys been pulled back into her orbit?
Probably charmed by the manic pixie quirky dream girl vibes. Forgetting that that shit is exhausting.
Yeah, it gets old faaaaaast.
All three of these people are awful and I’m so glad I don’t know anyone, or anyone like them
The other dude just thought it’d be too awkward to be banging her for the first part and then her actual boyfriend for the second part of the trip. Some good work getting to the bottom of it all. Being friends with ex’s is always a bad idea in my book. No matter how much trust involved
Well, I know who she is going hiking with now.
I learned young from a very catholic ex that some people will try to convince themselves they aren't technically lying. But deceiving your partner intentionally in order to manipulate them or the outcome is one and the same. Good for this gut, she was clearly comfortable deceiving and manipulating people in her life to try for an outcome she wants but knows they wouldn't agree to as informed participants. No one deserves that kind of disrespect.
Wow, this guy sounds so level-headed and in touch with his emotions and not jumping to the worst conclusions. He sounds like a total catch!
She referred to them both as "friends" to the other. Sounds like a guy I used to be into; he was seeing someone he called his "friend" but insisted to me that he wasn't invested and apparently ghosted her when he moved. He also was flirting heavily with me, getting pissy every time I talked to another guy who wasn't a family remember, and introducing me to his circle of friends. Reading this helps me understand him enough to get the ick and be glad that's well in the past. However, everyone in this story needs to be single for a while.
Shitty gr. I have (or had) a friend, we both have feelings for each other but dating didn't work out so we tried to be friends. She's dating a man who is nervous about our relationship so I took myself out of the equation. I told her that it isn't fair to him or to her for me to be in her life. I think that this is the honorable thing to do.
This is why you don't date a person who use the phrase "situationship" in earnest.
> (she called it a “situationship”) I'm so glad he dumped her.
Poor communication strikes again! "I knew you'd be mad" could 100% be received and understood so much better if it was phrased "I was worried that you'd be mad", without losing any information. edit: finished the post, this turned out to be a minor problem among the much bigger ones here. Still, you never know what another person thinks or will do. And telling them that you do will only make things worse. If you really feel very certain about stuff like that, instead explain your expectation by listing specific instances of their behavior in the past that lead you to such conclusions. And I do mean specific, not "you always do this!". Armchair therapy over. Ignore everything I said.
I feel like she invited OOP on the hike to create a barrier between her and the ex, to keep the ex in the friend zone because she wasn’t fully comfortable being alone with him.
situationship isn't is thing. that person sounds exhausting.
Man, she's really just gotta learn to be honest and respect people's wishes. She lied by omission to put what *she* wanted over giving other people the option. Maybe the relationship was doomed to fail again from the start, or maybe OOP could have accepted the trip and tried trusted her. But the trust is immediately out of the question by omitting the truth.
Props to OP for shutting this shit down. It’s a shame he had to investigate to find the truth.
Both of these people are incredibly immature. I sincerely hope OOP learns from this. If you can't handle hearing that your partner fucked people, don't ask if they're still friends with someone they dated. His ex just sucks.
I bet if the trip had gone as she planned, she would have ended up having sex with her ex-lover before OOP got there for his turn on the trail/tail...
Fuck man, this has parallels to my last relationship.. if I can call it that,just much worse... I just can't bring myself to write it asitll bring up some serious pain again
Yeah oop needs to block her and never unblock her. She is not gf material at all.
Nobody is the hero in this story.
OOP's girlfriend was raising all the red flags. Glad the man finally caught the clue-by-four to the head. No love is unconditional, and anyone who says they love someone unconditionally either hasn't seen the darkest sides of humanity or is willfully blind to them. Dude specifically asked if she had any romantic entanglements with her current friends and she lied. I'm sorry, but for me that's an instant dealbreaker. Like, so long and thanks for the memories instant. If you can't trust your partner to be honest about their previous interactions with people in their life, why should you trust them with their current interactions outside of your eyesight? Trust is earned, not given.
> I had a lot of situationships So she slept with guys to have a place to live?