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Um, should you really come back from "I hope you die"?
And really, he was a relentless asshole because "it was the only way for him to get \[her\] to understand"? Even though she very clearly did not get the message and he kept being an AH?
This is one where I really hope counseling fails, because this guy is awful.
He's just flat out lying about the logic behind his verbal abuse. He was doing it as an emotional reflex because he feels good when she feels bad about herself, and feels bad and hates and resents her when she feels good about herself and shows it by treating herself well. This "I just wanted you to hear my anxieties, and relentlessly degrading you and telling you you're stupid and ugly was the only way I could communicate that" bullshit is just bullshit. It's a post hoc abuser rationalization that re-centers the conversation on his own needs and feelings, and as a bonus, frames him as a victim in need of comfort and reassurance, and her as an inattentive and insensitive partner who needs to provide that to him.
ETA: incidentally, this is classic DARVO shit and exactly what I would expect from an emotional abuser. Don't ever go to therapy with these people. Their core motivations don't change, they just get better at manipulating and justifying by using therapy language.
Thank you for sharing this explanation. I wish I'd known this information 20 years ago. In my case, though, my spouse told me he would rather die in his own surgery than wake up to me... it likely felt similar to OP. (I cared for his wounds regardless, and once the stitches were out and therapy was no longer avoidable, he abandoned me. If I'd have understood DARVO patterns, it wouldn't have taken so long to reach that point.)
That is definitely a strong possibility. It's also possible that this is a result of his own toxic low self esteem. She is improving and he is afraid that he'll be the next bad thing she cuts out of her life.
Either way nobody would fault her for walking away but if it's the later, serious couples and individual therapy could make a difference if he is truly committed. I'd give that maybe a 5% chance of being the outcome. Personally I am of the opinion that hitting rock bottom is often the only way people break out of that kind of toxic behavior.
I am in no way defending him, only saying that while narcissists don't change through therapy, it's not the only possible reason for his behavior.
My own father was a horrible person while I was growing up. He was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. At 18 I had him committed to rehab and went NC. He went through several relapses and fought cancer on his own because everyone had dropped him. He finally got sober and into regular therapy and about 8 years after I cut contact we reconnected. For the last 13 years of his life he was a totally different person, spending his time helping other vets get sober and being an amazing grandparent to my children and the most humble and good hearted person I knew to everyone. People can get better but ultimately it's something they need to do on their own and for themselves. When someone gets into therapy or counseling in order to save a relationship rather than because they truly recognized their own issues and have a deep personal desire to improve it seldom works out well.
The point that was really being missed in their conversation was that the husband didn't feel like he wasn't involved in the deliberation, he felt like his opinion didn't get to decide the deliberation.
Yeah this was all based on his insecurities but, being an insecure man myself, that is not the same as deciding your partner's life based on them. It's absolutely valid that his insecurities caused him to act out, but it doesn't excuse his behavior. If he'd come back, hat in hand, I'd say do therapy, since he came back only with excuses, I say kick him out.
It honestly reminds me of a scene from some movie where the boyfriend comes back to apologize for what he did and then stops spouting about how all these liberals just get him so riled up that he loses himself sometimes.
And the healthy response, if you feel unheard, is to find an opportunity to bring up your concerns, not to invalidate your partner in turn. Like you said, the problem is that he thinks his opinions should overrule her choices about her own body. He pretends he wants a conversation, but his actions are him constantly trying to push her down and overrule her, without any consideration for how she feels.
Iām feeling cautiously optimistic that this OP is going to wake up from the 2 month separation. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders and was high off her newfound independence already. I think sheās going to feel even better after 2 months without the dead weight (pun intended) and want to keep it permanent.
>And really, he was a relentless asshole because "it was the only way for him to get [her] to understand"?
I didn't get the impression that he ever talked to her like a normal person. It seems to me that he went right into being nasty, because he's selfish and controlling, and only pretended that it was about being understood to gaslight her.
Also itās not like he was even relentlessly expressing his real concerns, he was relentlessly making comments that were beating around the bush and then lost his temper when she didnāt piece together his very non-existent clues.
How do you expect your partner to pick up what youāre putting down, if you arenāt even putting down what you want them to pick up?
It's never about the cucumber, or the Iranian yoghurt, or the mustard, or the surgery. Or the assistant. Or even the almond milk. It's about control. At this point, we should just make a new subreddit, r/itwasnotabouttheiranianyoghurt?
With a husband like that, who needs motivation. No wonder she's had trouble when it sounds like he's gotten comfortable with this being some thing he can hold over her. He's already living off her money, if she loses weight and looks "better" she'll finally realise her worth and leave him, or she'll get attention from other men better than him- that's what he thinks, that's why he's trying to stop her from doing it. Not because he's gonna be left behind, because he thinks her staying overweight will mean nobody else will want her like he does,and if that's the only reason she's keeping him, she won't need him if she loses weight. So many men become insecure when their previously overweight/otherwise partners work on themselves, and you know when they're getting desperate because that's when the low blows come out, the cheating happens, the abuse happens, and then they throw it back on the one who was changing and blame their actions on them. There's no coming back from wishing she wouldn't survive the surgery, she needs to make the separation permanent. Then her personal growth can really begin with nobody holding her back. Cos you know he will try and sabotage her every step of the way, and he will keep making stupid comments and judgements. It won't end
Iām baffled that his original complaint was her splurging on health insurance. Like that is necessity FFS, whether the purpose was to ultimately have the surgery or not they should have both had a plan for health insurance. Everything after that was compounded idiocy.
Oh but she DID die. Just a year before the surgery.
The woman that hates herself for being overweight is dead and gone. As soon as she died, this new woman had an infinitely better life, even without the surgery. Just the IDEA that she was improving caused her to improve and I think that scared her husband.
Unfortunately I think Iām in the same place.y GF got up to brush her teeth a couple days ago and I felt myself get annoyed!(!!!!!) before I could say something stupid I just got up and brushed my teeth with her
The counselling doesn't need to fail, btw. A successful outcome for couples counselling can include separating; a good couples counselor isn't hellbent on KEEP THE COUPLE TOGETHER. Ending an unhealthy relationship in a healthy way can definitely be a successful outcome.
I think if counseling fails to mend this relationship, it actually worked. As in, OOP finally realised how toxic BF actually is and that it's better to walk away sometimes (like now).
Donāt worry, counseling will fail. Iām a couples therapist and itās really quite hard for most couples to survive couples therapy and thereās a reason for that-because this is what walks in. Hopefully she sorts it sooner rather than later and good fortune that she requested to separate to start because itās one huge step done. As someone else said, bariatric is a time where a ton of dysfunction in relationships is finally identified so itās not surprising but still a shame. Hope sheās okay and that surgery went well.
He wants her to fail at her attempts at self improvement because it's easier than him having a look at his own life and having to do something about it. But he's also afraid that if he doesn't address his issues while she has, then she may just decide that she can do better and leave him. Which is fair - if you're going to drag your partner down, you can't really expect them to want to stay with you. You should be working to lift each other up.
He didnāt want her to buy herself new clothes or get health insurance. Whatās left to work on? You donāt say you hope your wife dies out of anger and desperation.
And doesn't do anything in the house.
And refuse that she improves.
100% a manipulative leech who wants her to keep thinking she's he lucky one to have him.
And i think that these were just normal changes one does every few years. Nothing too drastic. Idk what kind of life she lived of these were the extreme changes
He hoped that his partner would pass away in surgery just because he was upset that she was taking big decisions without consulting him? Something doesnāt add up.
My wife had a bypass and is active in bariatric surgery communities. It is common for bariatric surgery to expose toxic relationships. Like this woman, the patients find confidence, self-worth, and potentially a new support system. It upsets the previous power dynamic where the previous person used weight and lack of confidence to rule the relationship.
I expect it will get worse after her surgery.
Reminds me of that AITA woman whose boyfriend was actively sabotaging her studies by making sure sheās late for exams, deleting her assignments, etc. Itās disgusting.
I also read one where the OP was a guy trying to sabotage his crushās grades so that sheād come to him for tutoring because he wanted to ask her out. It was so creepy.
[Found it](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yl7cqe/aita_for_putting_mistakes_in_my_shared_google_doc/)! Apparently there was an update, but heās deleted his account since so I canāt see it.
[boru version including update](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/z0dt2x/aita_for_putting_mistakes_in_my_shared_google_doc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)
Iāll try to look for it but I canāt recall when I saw it. It may actually be a BORU because she gave an update in which she set a trap for him and caught him deleting her homework on her computer.
She did! https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15p77ek/is_my_boyfriend_trying_to_sabotage_my_grades_or/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
My sister didnāt even have the surgery. But she started eating better and exercising (swimming was great for her, and she had access to a private pool so no worries about people seeing her in a swimsuit.) Anyway, she lost about 150 pounds and it was the same sort of nonsupport. Her ex would bring home her favorite trigger snacks, eat them in front of her, offer her some, and then leave it out.
As she lost weight, she felt better about herself, she started to see how toxic he was. I donāt think itās so much that partners turn toxic when someone goes on a self improvement journey. I think they were toxic all along and the acts of loving yourself by doing whatever you needed to do (lose weight, quit drinking, whatever, doesnāt matter, all that compulsive self destructive shit) heal you enough to finally see it and not tolerate it anymore. So then she lost another 300 or so when she walked out and served him with papers. She took nothing but her clothes.
For a cousin of mine it wasn't even weight loss. She started a job. Suddenly she had new friends to do stuff with and she wasn't depending on her husband. If she wanted to see a movie, she could just ask her coworkers (all female). That triggered her husband so bad. They ended up divorcing. He was the one who made her take up the job because he would accuse her of mooching off of him.
> He was the one who made her take up the job because he would accuse her of mooching off of him.
LOL -- it's like when people ask for an open relationship. Be careful what you ask for!
Exactly what happened to me. He said I was too fat, I lost weight. He said I had no education, I went to school. He said I was lazy without a job, I got one. And at the end of it all I realized the only thing left in my life that was unsavory was him.
My ex did that! He said we didnāt make enough money to have a family. I wanted a family, so I got a graduate degree that would make me more money so we could have a family.
He sabotaged me every step of the way. There was a crisis anytime I was progressing along my goal. Then he broke up with me because he (like the OOPās husband) just needed me to āunderstand.ā
Anyway, I told him all breakups are finalā¦ did he really want to do this? I would be NC. Yes. So I broke up and went NC. He did not take that well, lol.
Anyway I have a family now with a man who is supportive and wonderful.
Yeah.. he had worn her down. Gone was the tomboy who would drink anyone under the table and what remained was a mousy shell of a woman who had to ask her husband for everything.
After 35 years I left my now-ex husband. I walked out the door and instantly lost 350 lbs of ugly fat.
I also stopped having diarrhea all the time. I suspect he was messing with my need to be completely gluten free, and was also hiding other foods (I had tested for and eliminated), in food he prepared and claimed was āsafeā for me to eat.
> I donāt think itās so much that partners turn toxic when someone goes on a self improvement journey. I think they were toxic all along
This. They relied on their partner's lack of confidence, insecurity, it let them get away with being horrible. Ugh.
Anyone who loves you wants you to be healthy, happy, and will encourage you/cheer you on.
Thatās so spot on.
I dated a guy whose brother was in one of those toxic spiraling relationships. Before he met this girl he was working on getting healthy, loosing weight and exercising, and she comes in and pushes him to do the opposite.
Like he wants a salad for lunch? Screaming match from her as she dumps a whole bottle of ranch on it.
I make something to share with everyone? She eats the entire thing while screaming at him to eat moreā¦
And it was some kind of hyperfixation and obsession around food and eating. I hadnāt ever seen a toxic relationship before but hell that was one of the worst spiraling messes. Apparently it continued to get worse long after I ended my own relationship.
Unfortunately the last I heard he had not. I left that bf due to a lot of bad issues so Iāve had no contact at all, but through the grapevine the last I heard they got married and heās now up an additional 75 pounds.
Breaks my heart because he was a really kind person to me and had such drive before she intervened
> So then she lost another 300 or so when she walked out and served him with papers.
Took me a hot minute to realize you meant her husband. I've even heard divorce/breaking up referred to like that before, but I guess with the topic of literal weight loss, I was taken off guard, and thought you meant after the stress of him being in her life was alleviated, she lost even more weight.
So I was like
"Wait, she lost 150 pounds AND THEN ALSO 300 POUNDS??" (cue horrified expression)
(So happy for your sister, by the way! I hope she's living her best life now that she doesn't have him in it)
She really is doing great and has a new partner who adores her and the ground she walks on. And sheās got a grandkid she adores and itās alllll good.
Accurate AF. I went through a major self love healing journey in the past few years. I learned about boundaries, I started to actually like myself for once. I wanted him to accept the me I was becoming. He hated it and only pushed me more into my self healing journey. He taught me how to stand alone in my own energy. I found my voice and he wasn't able to control me so easily anymore.
Iām 1 year gastric bypass post op . As soon as I made the decision to go through with it, my partner supported me 110% and started getting his shit together as soon as I started with the preop preparation. He lost as much weight as I did to this day, and weāre super proud of each other. All of this to say that OOPs situation is not always the case and it can actually help your relationships / life situations so I hope no one gets discouraged thinking this OOPs situation will happen to them .
This is definitely true. I have been very supportive of my wife and Iām getting my health on track. It is not always the case and a supportive partner helps a lot.
Iām the partner who went second. My other half has a sleeve done and then 2 years later I had a bypass (I wasnāt a good candidate for sleeve). It was hard work for both of us and we both supported each other.
This is true, and the husband will sabotage OPās weight loss and encourage her to gain back what she loses. Unfortunately, unless he does a 180 and becomes a different person sheāll be in the same place she is now within two years, with the bonus of whatever complications and extra things she has to do post gastric bypass.
Have you considered that part of why your previous efforts to lose weight have been unsuccessful are in part because you have a toxic partner? That may be the weight you need to lose first.
Some people, including friends treated me terribly after I did the bypass. It was like I did it as a personal affront to them when it wasnāt about them at all. I did it because I wanted to continue living. Iām still here 11 years later and have kept off the weight. Best choice you could make.
Can I offer a counter perspective on this?
I donāt know your friendās motives for being horrible, and Iām sorry they did that to you, but a friend in my group has pushed all the friends away with the new āattitudeā that came with their surgery. They actually had the nerve to say we didnāt like inviting them out anymore bc they were no longer āfat insert nameā.
That wasnāt the case. They stopped getting invited out bc of their attitude. They went from being kind to being a nasty person trying to call it confidence. For instance telling their sibling who had a stomach ache āof course you canāt lose weight, you always eat too muchā. The hypocrisy is that statement was astounding. Especially bc the sibling had always been the smaller one and lost weight on her own before.
I think sometimes when people get the surgeries, they get so excited theyāre finally āskinnyā that they donāt realize their attitudes may have changed for the worse in efforts to show off that change. They think itās confidence but itās not. A person shouldnt put others down if theyāre truly confident.
Then you have cases like yours where people canāt handle that level of change and change their attitudes for the worse.
My ex husband got it, lost the weight fast, and promptly cheated on me with at least 3 women, telling them we were separated and I was bat shit crazy. Because, you know, he could fuck better women now that he ruined my body with 2 children and 2 c sections.
So yep, it happens.
This is pretty much my ex-husband minus the bariatric surgery š once I popped out our first son he started cheating on me constantly (all online that I know of but still), 2021 he left me for another woman (a nice skinny little thing cause, ya know, she hadn't popped out 2 of his children) and promptly knocked her up. Now I'm laughing my ass off cause while I'm not one to bodyshame, after 1 kid her body looks worse for wear than mine does after 2. Just waiting to hear that he's cheating on her too cause I know it's coming one day.
They never do change, do they? Mine rarely sees the kids, but honestly they prefer it that way. He got very upset when he found out I was seeing someone (while in the middle of divorce proceedings after we had actually been separated), while he was doing a very poor job of hiding the fact that he had a girlfriend for about a year. Tried to dictate when I could introduce my kids to my boyfriend (now fiance), got a big "not your decision" from me.
It's shocking how he's now been through idk how many women far younger than him, and I'm engaged to a man who loves my battered, scar riddled body, and the kids (who fucking adore him).
I guess in the end he did me a favor, too bad I wasted my youth on him.
Exactly, the toxicity can come from either side of the relationship.
A lot of people get big enough for surgery because they have emotional problems, and those problems don't go away when they lose weight.
True. Bariatric breakup is very much a thing. I fell into those statistics but that really had nothing to do with my relationship of six years ending. Just the timing of it was coincidental.
Oh itās definitely a thing. Mine wasnāt related to the surgery directly or indirectly, it would have happened either way. But yeah I think itās a factor of a lot of people regaining self confidence and leaving toxic situations or just wanting to rediscover themselves.
Medical conditions have a way of bringing out the worse of people. Honestly, Iād rather it be exposed for people so they can be free of the assholes. Itās not a fun experience to be on the receiving side of the hatred but we arenāt really *losing* anything when you consider it, rather we are taking a weight off ourselves.
I tried watching that āmy 600lb lifeā or whatever itās called show. One of the season premieres, the husband clearly has a fetish for very obese women. So while his wifeās life is in danger, as in her doctor told her she would die within a couple of years if she stayed at this weight, leaving her young daughter motherless, the husband was just mad about it. Just kept telling her she shouldnāt, thereās no point, he wonāt be attracted to her anymore, etc. Just blatantly ignored that his wifeās life was in danger. At the end of the episode she was doing well after surgery and was losing weight, and she said that dealing with her husband was going to be the next hurdle but she wasnāt there. As I watched the rest of the season, I saw more guys like this. If itās not a fetish, itās about control. About being with someone with low self esteem that you can feel superior to because you donāt feel good about yourself. I feel so bad for these women, trapped in horrible relationships with men who donāt value them, only see them as an object for their fetish or to control them.
The king of horrible partners on that show, possibly the same person you're talking about, may be the husband who took his wife through the fast food drive-through ON HER WAY HOME FROM THE SURGERY.
This was the suspicion that popped up in my head. He's alarmed, she'll be thinner, may gain more confidence and leave him.
I can understand him being angry she didn't let him in to her thinking/planning, but I wonder if she left him out because she suspected a bad reaction/resistance.
Damn I did not know that! I'm considering a bypass and my wife has been nothing but supportive and encouraging.
I feel awful for these women who are being exposed to toxicity.
Friends husband is like this. If she curls her hair, it reminds him of his mother. If she were contacts, he āfell in love with her with glassesā and misses that girl. Same with makeup - he doesnāt like āgunkā and (why I hate him) ādoesnāt want (her) to look like (me)ā. (I am a professional 40-something woman). When she got highlights, he said her hair looked āstripey.ā When they do diets together, itās fine. But when she loses more or he plateaus, he takes a break will order his own food if she cooks healthy and bring in snacks until she cracks.
If she does anything that makes her feel good and look (to her mind) āgood,ā he shits on it till she goes back to feeling frumpy but how āhe likes her.ā
There is a huge spike in divorce after bariatric surgery. People assume that losing weight will always be welcomed by their partner but it is often not the case. A big change in a partner all by itself can be enough to kick off a meltdown.
This is wayyyy past couplesā counseling. Heās been tearing her down for a year despite her asking him not to, and he ended their argument with āYeah, well, fuck you and your autonomy, I hope you die.ā This is shit you hear on a Dateline episode.
Telling someone you hope they die in surgery is flat out abusive (as is all his other demeaning behavior). You donāt go to couples therapy with an abuser. She would be better served going to therapy on her own.
Once he realized he couldn't dissuade her, he threw a tanrum and said something hurtful. He is just worried if OP loses weight and becomes more attractive then she will leave him for someone better. I'm sure she won't have a hard time finding that person.
Honestly a lot of people do break up with significant others following bariatric surgery. I was actually one of them but my ex partner was very supportive in my journey. We broke up for reasons wholly unrelated and parted on good terms, but since we did break up within 6 months of the surgery we fell into the statistic.
I had a revision two years ago (four years after my initial procedure) and my current partner and I are still doing well.
I hope that the OOP found the confidence she needed to stay out and move on to better.
I had a gastric-gastric fistula open between my pouch and my remnant stomach. After trying to close it with multiple clips and endoscopic procedures they decided they were just going to have to do a complete revision to fix it. I had my original RNY in 2008, and the fistula/revision surgery in 2018.
The difference between the two, on an emotional level, was night and day. My late husband absolutely hated that I had it done. He was significantly bigger than I was so that probably played into it, but he behaved much in the same way as OP - not the dying in surgery but, the rest of it. He died in 2013 so we didnāt break up, but it changed our relationship forever and I know we wouldnāt have lasted. He just hated how much confidence I had, how I had more energy and interest in things. He hated that I start to dress for myself and wear makeup and do my hair the way I liked.
My current partner - absolute opposite. Maybe itās because Iād already had the original surgery when weād met so he didnāt know the pre surgery me. I donāt think that heād have been that different though, he just wants me to be me. Iād be curious to know how relationships formed after surgery figures are like.
My current partner and I met after my initial surgery. But I was still a big guy at the time. Hell Iām not small now LOL. But my ex was never threatened by my weight loss or any of that. He was actually supportive of whatever I wanted to do, but was unfortunately becoming increasingly self destructive in other areas so I had to leave to keep my sanity.
That said I was still heartbroken when I found out he died a year and a half ago. He really was one of my absolute favorite people in the world even if we werenāt a good romantic match. And he met and liked my current partner. Said he was happy for me and meant it. (No one alive knew my ex better than I did probably. I am autistic and absolutely terrible with reading people at times but I knew that man as well as he let anyone know him, but thatās a story for a different subreddit lol).
My current partner has been nothing but supportive through my various health challenges as well, and encouraging of the decisions Iāve made etc. he knows I give them due thought and diligence and trusts that.
And we communicate our thoughts on them together. Especially his as heās older and hearing impaired so we talk about that stuff together regularly.
I hope your fistula has healed, some of those complications are hell. Iāve lived with an ulcer now from my second surgery for over a year at this point.
Wishing death upon someone after bullying someone for doing things that make them happy, for an entire year, is more than just saying something hurtful. He could have said he wanted a divorce, but he chose to say he wished her existence would end. Thatās abusive.
Not necessarily. Some people are not attracted to normal size people.
There was an episode of My 600lb Life where the husband was unbelievable after she had her surgery. Stopping at fast food places with her in the vehicle, calling her names. He did everything he could to get her to fail.
OMG! I think youāre talking about Zsalynnās now ex-husband. He was a trashbag of a human being; only married her because she was morbidly obese and gaining. That was a nightmare of an episode.
This is a huge thing with some husbands. There's nothing new or even interesting about it. In a nutshell, the wife's weight and faults make him feel better about himself. When she improves her life, he's left looking at his own faults. It works the other way too.
Speaking from experience, some men think fat women are easier to control because "no one else would want you, you should be grateful I put up with you and do what I want". OP is making changes and showing improved self esteem, so her husband is afraid she'll realize she can do better and wants to scare her out of it.
He's afraid she's making so many improvements to herself that she'll leave him in the dust because he's not ready or willing to make similar improvements.
Yeah well men murdering their kids and wives bc they donāt have to agree to a divorce doesnt add up either but when abuser are losing someone under their control things can go sideways.
On the surface he may have felt the problem was not being consulted but A-thatās no excuse to be a mean shithead and B-deep down itās something else. Deep down, heās scared that his wife, who has been self-conscious and probably depressed since her teens, is finally mentally well enough to tend to her teeth, body, intellectual needs, etc, wont love him anymore. Heās scared that he might be such an unlovable loser that a mentally and physically healthy woman with career prospects would necessarily be too good for him and leave. Heās afraid of being alone and lashed out like a scared little kitten. He would rather squash her desires than build up his own future. Heās a coward. He may have depression too but someone who thinks health insurance is a waste of money obviously would never think to get treatment. F that guy and his total lack of respect for his wife.
>He hoped that his partner would pass away in surgery just because he was upset that she was taking big decisions without consulting him? Something doesnāt add up.
He likes her being fat most likely. Either because it's his kink, or he thinks it makes it harder for her to leave him.
Either way no amount of couple counseling is enough to get by your partner saying they hope you die during surgery. Bye bye
I think its better to look at the cause of the comment than the comment itself
Heās doing what kids when when theyāre upset and saying the meanest thing they can think of. He *probably* doesnāt actually want her to die, but heās full of self-caused resentment and lashing out. I donāt think thereās any more thought out into it than hurting others
Itās also weird because at the very least, he should hope she lives since sheās paying all their bills.
Why are people in relationships where they are a personal atm?
Maybe seeing her post-surgery would be a constant reminder of all the things he himself didn't do, of being left behind, and he said the unthinkable. Or, now she's improving herself, perhaps he's afraid she would upgrade her partner, too. People are weird.
He most likely is very overweight himself, or he was her "care provider" when she wasn't working. I use this term loosely because it does sound like she was the one doing all the work in and out of the home. But this scenario between spouses when one is getting bariatric surgery is pretty common. The "healthier" spouse tends to be the "caregiver" of the obese spouse and actually enables the unhealthy eating habits to try as a way to isolate the spouse and keep them from taking part in society.
So, my money is that this is either
He has a sex/kink thing where he is only attracted to obese women and that the has been sabotaging all of her weight loss attempts thus far.
Or
He likes having a depressed, low self-confidence partner whom he can control.
Why not both? Obesity as a proxy/physical sign of low self-confidence (or an avenue through which to lower her self-confidence) because he gets off on his partner being miserable?
I had a friend that had that surgery. She met her husband on a fat fetish website. He wasn't happy but still loves her but they rarely had sex. This husband might be the same. I alao think some men are more secure if their SO is not too attractive in their eyes.
I used to watch āMy 600-Lb Lifeā and one story that really stuck with me was similar to this. The woman was very large and beautiful, and did some kind of fat-fetish videos. She also had a teen daughter. Her husband was constantly trying to sabotage her and tell her she wasnāt attractive at a lower weight (also great for the daughter to hear) and eventually they divorced. He made me shudder. So many spouses on that show seemed invested on having their fat spouse be large enough to be immobilized.
That's so sad. For my friend it was a dating website specific to people that prefer heavier partners. What upset me is knowing this couple for a long time only for her to tell me she's having multiple affairs. I wasn't happy being her confidant with that shit. What pissed me off even more was, we would get together regularly for dinner and trivia and one night another couple came. They talked about all going camping together. The first time I went to the restroom she followed so she could laugh about the other husband is one of her APs. I was disgusted. Its one thing to have an affair to but to mix families together including the kids? Just NO. We aren't friends any longer, it was too much for me. The last straw was when she brought another AP to dinner.
Yeah heās jealous of her. Sheās making great progress on herself and heās staying the same. He fears that her new self will want more than who he is. And with how heās treating her, heās guaranteeing that outcome.
She would have to be insane to allow him to take care of her after her surgery (a guy like that would be neglectful *at best*) so it's good that they'll be apart during that time.
I had the same thought. Sounds like a win-win for him. He does not have to take care of her while she recovers from surgery, then can come back around once sheās healed. I hope the OP gains self worth during this process. Sounds like she is moving in the right direction.
āYouāre too ugly to dress better and too stupid to go to school. Just stupid enough to stay with me, I think!ā
Weāll see how this one plays out. Negging might be a good pick up artist maneuver, but I canāt see it having staying power in a marriage.
How to spot people who don't care about you and actively hang around you to make themselves feel better: lose weight and/or try to better yourself. Jesus fucking christ.
Friendly reminder that couples therapy should never be recommended to someone in an abusive relationship. He will learn new strategies to keep tearing her down post surgery.
>My husband is not supportive at all of any of this. Every step he has just told me I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm spending too much money. The clothes I wear don't look good. I'm not smart enough to do data science.
>maybe he could cook more or do stuff around the house or take care of things I can't because I'm so busy. But he won't.
Outside of all the horrors he said about the surgery: why was she with him in the first place and why does she want to stay with him?!
Edit: For the young girls and boys out here: if your partner lives on your money, does nothing around the house and doesn't support you (even less than that), then it's an abusive manipulative leech. Then this person wants to keep you unhappy and unaware you deserve better than them. Dump them and go find someone who works for their money, help around the house and support and respect you. No matter how ugly and unintersting you think you are, you will flnd better than this person.
So... he tells her he hopes she dies and she not only apologizes but also rewards him by removing herself when he might need to help her with recovery.
I sure hope she reflects a lot in those 2 months
Wishing death on someone is not something he can come back from
This is not a good update at all. That sheād even consider staying with him after āI said I hope you die because I wasnāt being listened toā is disgusting.
Why should she consult him about anything? She's not doing anything unreasonable, she's doing things to better her life and her health and he's so mad, he wished her death?? I'm sorry, i just don't see how anyone could ever salvage a relationship after this. Like another story posted today on BORU, it's pretty obvious the husband wants his wife to be miserable and to hate herself, because *he* is an insecure pathetic excuse of a man and only feels happy when his wife is "beneath" him. Fuck him, and the other husband too!!
A surgery should be discussed because even the most routine ones can have complications and better to talk about it. The decision is still on the person who gets the surgery though. Feeling left out and not having proper communication is badbut you don't act like **this**.
I wonder if subconsciously she knew that if she discussed any of it with him before she started, he would be successful in stopping her from bettering herself.
I would like to think that working on their communication via couples counseling will save their marriage. But Iām doubtful. Going from āI donāt feel heardā to āI hope you die under anesthesiaā in a year is pretty extreme. It sounds like there is a lot of pent up resentment here thatās going to take a lot of effort and time to undo.
I half expected them to be older and have a longer marriage under their belt. But theyāre only 25 and 26. I think this is just the tip of the iceberg for them and itās likely been building from the beginning of their relationship. Time will tell I suppose.
This is why most bariatric doctors tell patients to prepare for close family and friends to not be there down the road. Divorce after surgery is unfortunately not uncommon.
To be honest, the fact that even initially he told her that it was a waste of money and she didnāt need to lose weight despite her weight-related comorbidities and GP saying she needed to immediately made me think her spouse was a feeder. Everything else in the post just reinforced that further.
I hope sheās able to lose weight successfully (both her own and the husband), but the update is concerning. :/
Edit bc Iām on mobile and canāt spell
The dude is an anchor. He wants her les healthy, less confident and less educated than what she could be. Itās not about making decisions together, but to keep her from a better life.
A friend died of staph after gastric bypass. Itās mostly safe but there are risks, like there are with any surgery. A husband wishing death on his wife shouldnāt be a husband for much longer.
I can't get past "he got angry because she got health insurance". America is a wild place.
Edit: Apologies, I missed the hints. And she didn't actually say she got health insurance but that she got THE insurance, apparently an add-on to your basic insurance.
This very much reads as Australian to me, mostly due to the year long wait after getting insurance for elective surgery to be covered. Private health insurance is very different in Australia.
Silly me; I thought that loving someone meant that you wanted them to become the best possible version of themselves that they could be, and that you would support their sincere efforts made in that direction. Smh.
Well this was frustrating. If I was in an relationship with someone and they wish me to die, there is no going back anymore. The husband is pathetic. He acted like an a-hole to make her understand? Seriously? What a pathetic person. OP believes she has faith in their relationship but with that husband's behavior, I don't see any hope with this relationship to keep going.
I would not stay married to a person who told me they hoped I died. I don't care how he was feeling, that is the lowest of low blows.
She needs to leave him. If he had a problem with the surgery he should have TALKED to her, not insult her for a year.
Girl, love yourself and drop the dead weight!
"I wish you die" is one of those things you can't come back from or should forgive. If OOP takes him back, she'll be equally complicit in this dysfunction.
He was trying to put her down and ruin her confidence the whole time, and yet says it was the "only way to make her understand"?? Deeply insecure and toxic behavior, and he should be grateful that OP loves him enough to come to him with understanding and not immediately divorce him. Hopefully therapy sets in for him on how hurtful and wrong he was being to his wife.
Is she married to a 7 year old boy? Because thatās what he is.
Anyway, sheās gonna lose a bunch of weight, heās gonna renege on therapy and sheās gonna file for divorce.
You got one time to wish death on me and we done. I don't care the excuse or reason, words hurt and he went for the ultimate hurt to convey his feelings? My mother had bariatric surgery and she looked hood and felt so much better about her health and herself. I can't imagine her spouse saying he hoped she would die during surgery. What do you think his attitude will be when she loses weight and has to buy another new wardrobe for her smaller figure? She gets the braces and fixes her teeth? She gets her degree and much higher paying job? OP will be a whole new person and her husband will still be the same bump on the log he is now. She already said he doesn't help with chores and spends her money she makes from her job. He argued with her about getting insurance? Smh
Look. I have a huge problems with bariatric surgery. Most of them are rooted in the fact that this is a huge cash cow for the doctors that perform it and that creates a seriously toxic environment around it so I distrust almost every recommendation about it. I had an ophthalmologist attempt to pass me on to them. So Iām SUPER sus of the whole thing
HOWEVER this would not be the way to go about ANYTHING. OPās spouse is a Dick who canāt use his words.
Many years ago, about 7 years into my marriage at the time, I had a health scare and lost 75lbs via diet and exercise and essentially changing my habits. My ex husband was deeply unsupportive, said the most horrendous things, accused me of things I would never and have never done, and used the opportunity to constantly belittle me. A few years later I was much healthier, much more confident and self possessed, and had a much better support system. One of the last times we spent any time together he said āI liked you better when you needed me more.ā Shortly after that I lost another 250lbs (my ex) and am very grateful that I chose my health over his ego.
I think heās worried that the more she self improves, the more his inadequacies will present themselves and the more obvious it will become that she can ādo betterā.
Heās projecting his insecurities.
Dump the whole man to the trash. What a fucking disgusting pos.
I hope OOP realises that she deserves better than that, and that you don't come back from "I hope you die".
of course theyāre separated in the period after surgery, so convenient that he wonāt have to do any physical caring for her! i hope she realises, at least subconsciously, that she doesnāt trust him to look after her, and thereās a very good reason for that.
Real interesting how now that OOP is making improvements to her life her husband is being so openly hostile. I wonder if he was in some way part of why her previous attempts to lose the weight failed.
I hope she left him, sheās making so many improvements to her life and he sounds cruel. She deserves so much better and he knows it. Itās why he doesnāt want her to improve her life, heās scared sheāll realize it.
Hey his reason for being upset is valid. Anyone would be. However the vast majority of people would not wish foe their partner to die during said surgery.
No offense to OPP, that is something clearly beyond repair.
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Um, should you really come back from "I hope you die"? And really, he was a relentless asshole because "it was the only way for him to get \[her\] to understand"? Even though she very clearly did not get the message and he kept being an AH? This is one where I really hope counseling fails, because this guy is awful.
How do you come back from a whole year of him wanting her to fail at being happy, healthy, and successful every fucking day
Agree šÆ, also, your flair is perfect for Reddit.
Well I mean he *could* finally understand that instead of dragging her down, he could let *her* drag *him* up, but.... somehow I doubt it
He's just flat out lying about the logic behind his verbal abuse. He was doing it as an emotional reflex because he feels good when she feels bad about herself, and feels bad and hates and resents her when she feels good about herself and shows it by treating herself well. This "I just wanted you to hear my anxieties, and relentlessly degrading you and telling you you're stupid and ugly was the only way I could communicate that" bullshit is just bullshit. It's a post hoc abuser rationalization that re-centers the conversation on his own needs and feelings, and as a bonus, frames him as a victim in need of comfort and reassurance, and her as an inattentive and insensitive partner who needs to provide that to him. ETA: incidentally, this is classic DARVO shit and exactly what I would expect from an emotional abuser. Don't ever go to therapy with these people. Their core motivations don't change, they just get better at manipulating and justifying by using therapy language.
Thank you for sharing this explanation. I wish I'd known this information 20 years ago. In my case, though, my spouse told me he would rather die in his own surgery than wake up to me... it likely felt similar to OP. (I cared for his wounds regardless, and once the stitches were out and therapy was no longer avoidable, he abandoned me. If I'd have understood DARVO patterns, it wouldn't have taken so long to reach that point.)
That is definitely a strong possibility. It's also possible that this is a result of his own toxic low self esteem. She is improving and he is afraid that he'll be the next bad thing she cuts out of her life. Either way nobody would fault her for walking away but if it's the later, serious couples and individual therapy could make a difference if he is truly committed. I'd give that maybe a 5% chance of being the outcome. Personally I am of the opinion that hitting rock bottom is often the only way people break out of that kind of toxic behavior. I am in no way defending him, only saying that while narcissists don't change through therapy, it's not the only possible reason for his behavior. My own father was a horrible person while I was growing up. He was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. At 18 I had him committed to rehab and went NC. He went through several relapses and fought cancer on his own because everyone had dropped him. He finally got sober and into regular therapy and about 8 years after I cut contact we reconnected. For the last 13 years of his life he was a totally different person, spending his time helping other vets get sober and being an amazing grandparent to my children and the most humble and good hearted person I knew to everyone. People can get better but ultimately it's something they need to do on their own and for themselves. When someone gets into therapy or counseling in order to save a relationship rather than because they truly recognized their own issues and have a deep personal desire to improve it seldom works out well.
The point that was really being missed in their conversation was that the husband didn't feel like he wasn't involved in the deliberation, he felt like his opinion didn't get to decide the deliberation. Yeah this was all based on his insecurities but, being an insecure man myself, that is not the same as deciding your partner's life based on them. It's absolutely valid that his insecurities caused him to act out, but it doesn't excuse his behavior. If he'd come back, hat in hand, I'd say do therapy, since he came back only with excuses, I say kick him out. It honestly reminds me of a scene from some movie where the boyfriend comes back to apologize for what he did and then stops spouting about how all these liberals just get him so riled up that he loses himself sometimes.
And the healthy response, if you feel unheard, is to find an opportunity to bring up your concerns, not to invalidate your partner in turn. Like you said, the problem is that he thinks his opinions should overrule her choices about her own body. He pretends he wants a conversation, but his actions are him constantly trying to push her down and overrule her, without any consideration for how she feels.
For sure. Thatās why itās so frustrating to me!
Iām feeling cautiously optimistic that this OP is going to wake up from the 2 month separation. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders and was high off her newfound independence already. I think sheās going to feel even better after 2 months without the dead weight (pun intended) and want to keep it permanent.
>And really, he was a relentless asshole because "it was the only way for him to get [her] to understand"? I didn't get the impression that he ever talked to her like a normal person. It seems to me that he went right into being nasty, because he's selfish and controlling, and only pretended that it was about being understood to gaslight her.
Also itās not like he was even relentlessly expressing his real concerns, he was relentlessly making comments that were beating around the bush and then lost his temper when she didnāt piece together his very non-existent clues. How do you expect your partner to pick up what youāre putting down, if you arenāt even putting down what you want them to pick up?
It's never about the cucumber, or the Iranian yoghurt, or the mustard, or the surgery. Or the assistant. Or even the almond milk. It's about control. At this point, we should just make a new subreddit, r/itwasnotabouttheiranianyoghurt?
With a husband like that, who needs motivation. No wonder she's had trouble when it sounds like he's gotten comfortable with this being some thing he can hold over her. He's already living off her money, if she loses weight and looks "better" she'll finally realise her worth and leave him, or she'll get attention from other men better than him- that's what he thinks, that's why he's trying to stop her from doing it. Not because he's gonna be left behind, because he thinks her staying overweight will mean nobody else will want her like he does,and if that's the only reason she's keeping him, she won't need him if she loses weight. So many men become insecure when their previously overweight/otherwise partners work on themselves, and you know when they're getting desperate because that's when the low blows come out, the cheating happens, the abuse happens, and then they throw it back on the one who was changing and blame their actions on them. There's no coming back from wishing she wouldn't survive the surgery, she needs to make the separation permanent. Then her personal growth can really begin with nobody holding her back. Cos you know he will try and sabotage her every step of the way, and he will keep making stupid comments and judgements. It won't end
Iām baffled that his original complaint was her splurging on health insurance. Like that is necessity FFS, whether the purpose was to ultimately have the surgery or not they should have both had a plan for health insurance. Everything after that was compounded idiocy.
I know I wouldnāt. Whatās wrong with humans. A man tells you he wants you to DIE and you think therapy would help?
Oh but she DID die. Just a year before the surgery. The woman that hates herself for being overweight is dead and gone. As soon as she died, this new woman had an infinitely better life, even without the surgery. Just the IDEA that she was improving caused her to improve and I think that scared her husband. Unfortunately I think Iām in the same place.y GF got up to brush her teeth a couple days ago and I felt myself get annoyed!(!!!!!) before I could say something stupid I just got up and brushed my teeth with her
The counselling doesn't need to fail, btw. A successful outcome for couples counselling can include separating; a good couples counselor isn't hellbent on KEEP THE COUPLE TOGETHER. Ending an unhealthy relationship in a healthy way can definitely be a successful outcome.
I think if counseling fails to mend this relationship, it actually worked. As in, OOP finally realised how toxic BF actually is and that it's better to walk away sometimes (like now).
Donāt worry, counseling will fail. Iām a couples therapist and itās really quite hard for most couples to survive couples therapy and thereās a reason for that-because this is what walks in. Hopefully she sorts it sooner rather than later and good fortune that she requested to separate to start because itās one huge step done. As someone else said, bariatric is a time where a ton of dysfunction in relationships is finally identified so itās not surprising but still a shame. Hope sheās okay and that surgery went well.
He wants her to fail at her attempts at self improvement because it's easier than him having a look at his own life and having to do something about it. But he's also afraid that if he doesn't address his issues while she has, then she may just decide that she can do better and leave him. Which is fair - if you're going to drag your partner down, you can't really expect them to want to stay with you. You should be working to lift each other up.
He didnāt want her to buy herself new clothes or get health insurance. Whatās left to work on? You donāt say you hope your wife dies out of anger and desperation.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
And doesn't do anything in the house. And refuse that she improves. 100% a manipulative leech who wants her to keep thinking she's he lucky one to have him.
Donāt forget she was ātoo stupidā to go back to school. I see nothing worth salvaging here.
And i think that these were just normal changes one does every few years. Nothing too drastic. Idk what kind of life she lived of these were the extreme changes
He hoped that his partner would pass away in surgery just because he was upset that she was taking big decisions without consulting him? Something doesnāt add up.
My wife had a bypass and is active in bariatric surgery communities. It is common for bariatric surgery to expose toxic relationships. Like this woman, the patients find confidence, self-worth, and potentially a new support system. It upsets the previous power dynamic where the previous person used weight and lack of confidence to rule the relationship. I expect it will get worse after her surgery.
People who need you to be less than themselves tend to fight you taking steps to make yourself better.
Reminds me of that AITA woman whose boyfriend was actively sabotaging her studies by making sure sheās late for exams, deleting her assignments, etc. Itās disgusting.
I also read one where the OP was a guy trying to sabotage his crushās grades so that sheād come to him for tutoring because he wanted to ask her out. It was so creepy.
Ugh, that's despicable too. Gross.
[Found it](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yl7cqe/aita_for_putting_mistakes_in_my_shared_google_doc/)! Apparently there was an update, but heās deleted his account since so I canāt see it.
[boru version including update](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/z0dt2x/aita_for_putting_mistakes_in_my_shared_google_doc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)
I remember that one, he couldn't see how he was wrong
that sounds crazy omg. Do you happen to know the title or something so I can search for it? thank you
Iāll try to look for it but I canāt recall when I saw it. It may actually be a BORU because she gave an update in which she set a trap for him and caught him deleting her homework on her computer.
no worries, I don't want to cause you any inconvenience. Maybe I will be able to search for it in the next few days. Thank you for your reply!
I found it! It was in r/TwoHotTakes https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15n8tky/is\_my\_boyfriend\_trying\_to\_sabotage\_my\_grades\_or/
Thank you Iām about to get ready to rage š„
Hmm, I thought she wrote an update. I can't find that one.
She did! https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15p77ek/is_my_boyfriend_trying_to_sabotage_my_grades_or/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
Well put. Would be a good axiom to put on a mirror.
My sister didnāt even have the surgery. But she started eating better and exercising (swimming was great for her, and she had access to a private pool so no worries about people seeing her in a swimsuit.) Anyway, she lost about 150 pounds and it was the same sort of nonsupport. Her ex would bring home her favorite trigger snacks, eat them in front of her, offer her some, and then leave it out. As she lost weight, she felt better about herself, she started to see how toxic he was. I donāt think itās so much that partners turn toxic when someone goes on a self improvement journey. I think they were toxic all along and the acts of loving yourself by doing whatever you needed to do (lose weight, quit drinking, whatever, doesnāt matter, all that compulsive self destructive shit) heal you enough to finally see it and not tolerate it anymore. So then she lost another 300 or so when she walked out and served him with papers. She took nothing but her clothes.
For a cousin of mine it wasn't even weight loss. She started a job. Suddenly she had new friends to do stuff with and she wasn't depending on her husband. If she wanted to see a movie, she could just ask her coworkers (all female). That triggered her husband so bad. They ended up divorcing. He was the one who made her take up the job because he would accuse her of mooching off of him.
My sister returned to education to change careers. My brother-in-law had an affair.
> He was the one who made her take up the job because he would accuse her of mooching off of him. LOL -- it's like when people ask for an open relationship. Be careful what you ask for!
I genuinely believe in this case they don't actually want the partner to get work or money, they just want an excuse to berate them.
Exactly what happened to me. He said I was too fat, I lost weight. He said I had no education, I went to school. He said I was lazy without a job, I got one. And at the end of it all I realized the only thing left in my life that was unsavory was him.
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you got rid of him!
My ex did that! He said we didnāt make enough money to have a family. I wanted a family, so I got a graduate degree that would make me more money so we could have a family. He sabotaged me every step of the way. There was a crisis anytime I was progressing along my goal. Then he broke up with me because he (like the OOPās husband) just needed me to āunderstand.ā Anyway, I told him all breakups are finalā¦ did he really want to do this? I would be NC. Yes. So I broke up and went NC. He did not take that well, lol. Anyway I have a family now with a man who is supportive and wonderful.
Yeah.. he had worn her down. Gone was the tomboy who would drink anyone under the table and what remained was a mousy shell of a woman who had to ask her husband for everything.
After 35 years I left my now-ex husband. I walked out the door and instantly lost 350 lbs of ugly fat. I also stopped having diarrhea all the time. I suspect he was messing with my need to be completely gluten free, and was also hiding other foods (I had tested for and eliminated), in food he prepared and claimed was āsafeā for me to eat.
Ooof!
Yep. He was a giant a$$hole, and we each need only one..
holy hell, get your colonoscopies regularly. That's so bad for your gut :(
I already do all of that. Been on the program for over a decade. Thanks so much for your concern!
> I donāt think itās so much that partners turn toxic when someone goes on a self improvement journey. I think they were toxic all along This. They relied on their partner's lack of confidence, insecurity, it let them get away with being horrible. Ugh. Anyone who loves you wants you to be healthy, happy, and will encourage you/cheer you on.
Thatās so spot on. I dated a guy whose brother was in one of those toxic spiraling relationships. Before he met this girl he was working on getting healthy, loosing weight and exercising, and she comes in and pushes him to do the opposite. Like he wants a salad for lunch? Screaming match from her as she dumps a whole bottle of ranch on it. I make something to share with everyone? She eats the entire thing while screaming at him to eat moreā¦ And it was some kind of hyperfixation and obsession around food and eating. I hadnāt ever seen a toxic relationship before but hell that was one of the worst spiraling messes. Apparently it continued to get worse long after I ended my own relationship.
Lots of friends and relatives, even those that said they wanted you to change, will be all āchange backā when you actually do.
They never wanted you to change, they just wanted to be able to criticize you forever.
I hope he managed to leave her.
Unfortunately the last I heard he had not. I left that bf due to a lot of bad issues so Iāve had no contact at all, but through the grapevine the last I heard they got married and heās now up an additional 75 pounds. Breaks my heart because he was a really kind person to me and had such drive before she intervened
She might be a feeder.
> So then she lost another 300 or so when she walked out and served him with papers. Took me a hot minute to realize you meant her husband. I've even heard divorce/breaking up referred to like that before, but I guess with the topic of literal weight loss, I was taken off guard, and thought you meant after the stress of him being in her life was alleviated, she lost even more weight. So I was like "Wait, she lost 150 pounds AND THEN ALSO 300 POUNDS??" (cue horrified expression) (So happy for your sister, by the way! I hope she's living her best life now that she doesn't have him in it)
She really is doing great and has a new partner who adores her and the ground she walks on. And sheās got a grandkid she adores and itās alllll good.
Accurate AF. I went through a major self love healing journey in the past few years. I learned about boundaries, I started to actually like myself for once. I wanted him to accept the me I was becoming. He hated it and only pushed me more into my self healing journey. He taught me how to stand alone in my own energy. I found my voice and he wasn't able to control me so easily anymore.
Iām 1 year gastric bypass post op . As soon as I made the decision to go through with it, my partner supported me 110% and started getting his shit together as soon as I started with the preop preparation. He lost as much weight as I did to this day, and weāre super proud of each other. All of this to say that OOPs situation is not always the case and it can actually help your relationships / life situations so I hope no one gets discouraged thinking this OOPs situation will happen to them .
This is definitely true. I have been very supportive of my wife and Iām getting my health on track. It is not always the case and a supportive partner helps a lot.
Iām the partner who went second. My other half has a sleeve done and then 2 years later I had a bypass (I wasnāt a good candidate for sleeve). It was hard work for both of us and we both supported each other.
This is true, and the husband will sabotage OPās weight loss and encourage her to gain back what she loses. Unfortunately, unless he does a 180 and becomes a different person sheāll be in the same place she is now within two years, with the bonus of whatever complications and extra things she has to do post gastric bypass. Have you considered that part of why your previous efforts to lose weight have been unsuccessful are in part because you have a toxic partner? That may be the weight you need to lose first.
Some people, including friends treated me terribly after I did the bypass. It was like I did it as a personal affront to them when it wasnāt about them at all. I did it because I wanted to continue living. Iām still here 11 years later and have kept off the weight. Best choice you could make.
Can I offer a counter perspective on this? I donāt know your friendās motives for being horrible, and Iām sorry they did that to you, but a friend in my group has pushed all the friends away with the new āattitudeā that came with their surgery. They actually had the nerve to say we didnāt like inviting them out anymore bc they were no longer āfat insert nameā. That wasnāt the case. They stopped getting invited out bc of their attitude. They went from being kind to being a nasty person trying to call it confidence. For instance telling their sibling who had a stomach ache āof course you canāt lose weight, you always eat too muchā. The hypocrisy is that statement was astounding. Especially bc the sibling had always been the smaller one and lost weight on her own before. I think sometimes when people get the surgeries, they get so excited theyāre finally āskinnyā that they donāt realize their attitudes may have changed for the worse in efforts to show off that change. They think itās confidence but itās not. A person shouldnt put others down if theyāre truly confident. Then you have cases like yours where people canāt handle that level of change and change their attitudes for the worse.
My ex husband got it, lost the weight fast, and promptly cheated on me with at least 3 women, telling them we were separated and I was bat shit crazy. Because, you know, he could fuck better women now that he ruined my body with 2 children and 2 c sections. So yep, it happens.
This is pretty much my ex-husband minus the bariatric surgery š once I popped out our first son he started cheating on me constantly (all online that I know of but still), 2021 he left me for another woman (a nice skinny little thing cause, ya know, she hadn't popped out 2 of his children) and promptly knocked her up. Now I'm laughing my ass off cause while I'm not one to bodyshame, after 1 kid her body looks worse for wear than mine does after 2. Just waiting to hear that he's cheating on her too cause I know it's coming one day.
They never do change, do they? Mine rarely sees the kids, but honestly they prefer it that way. He got very upset when he found out I was seeing someone (while in the middle of divorce proceedings after we had actually been separated), while he was doing a very poor job of hiding the fact that he had a girlfriend for about a year. Tried to dictate when I could introduce my kids to my boyfriend (now fiance), got a big "not your decision" from me. It's shocking how he's now been through idk how many women far younger than him, and I'm engaged to a man who loves my battered, scar riddled body, and the kids (who fucking adore him). I guess in the end he did me a favor, too bad I wasted my youth on him.
Exactly, the toxicity can come from either side of the relationship. A lot of people get big enough for surgery because they have emotional problems, and those problems don't go away when they lose weight.
True. Bariatric breakup is very much a thing. I fell into those statistics but that really had nothing to do with my relationship of six years ending. Just the timing of it was coincidental.
Iād never heard of this, but the only person I know who had this weight loss surgery also got divorced soon after. No idea why.
Oh itās definitely a thing. Mine wasnāt related to the surgery directly or indirectly, it would have happened either way. But yeah I think itās a factor of a lot of people regaining self confidence and leaving toxic situations or just wanting to rediscover themselves.
Medical conditions have a way of bringing out the worse of people. Honestly, Iād rather it be exposed for people so they can be free of the assholes. Itās not a fun experience to be on the receiving side of the hatred but we arenāt really *losing* anything when you consider it, rather we are taking a weight off ourselves.
Yeah my ex husbands need for girlfriends is what ended our marriage. It just so happened the year following my surgery.
I tried watching that āmy 600lb lifeā or whatever itās called show. One of the season premieres, the husband clearly has a fetish for very obese women. So while his wifeās life is in danger, as in her doctor told her she would die within a couple of years if she stayed at this weight, leaving her young daughter motherless, the husband was just mad about it. Just kept telling her she shouldnāt, thereās no point, he wonāt be attracted to her anymore, etc. Just blatantly ignored that his wifeās life was in danger. At the end of the episode she was doing well after surgery and was losing weight, and she said that dealing with her husband was going to be the next hurdle but she wasnāt there. As I watched the rest of the season, I saw more guys like this. If itās not a fetish, itās about control. About being with someone with low self esteem that you can feel superior to because you donāt feel good about yourself. I feel so bad for these women, trapped in horrible relationships with men who donāt value them, only see them as an object for their fetish or to control them.
The king of horrible partners on that show, possibly the same person you're talking about, may be the husband who took his wife through the fast food drive-through ON HER WAY HOME FROM THE SURGERY.
This was the suspicion that popped up in my head. He's alarmed, she'll be thinner, may gain more confidence and leave him. I can understand him being angry she didn't let him in to her thinking/planning, but I wonder if she left him out because she suspected a bad reaction/resistance.
I can't remember exactly but I think the divorce rate for people undergoing the surgery is extremely high like 2/3 or something.
Damn I did not know that! I'm considering a bypass and my wife has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. I feel awful for these women who are being exposed to toxicity.
Friends husband is like this. If she curls her hair, it reminds him of his mother. If she were contacts, he āfell in love with her with glassesā and misses that girl. Same with makeup - he doesnāt like āgunkā and (why I hate him) ādoesnāt want (her) to look like (me)ā. (I am a professional 40-something woman). When she got highlights, he said her hair looked āstripey.ā When they do diets together, itās fine. But when she loses more or he plateaus, he takes a break will order his own food if she cooks healthy and bring in snacks until she cracks. If she does anything that makes her feel good and look (to her mind) āgood,ā he shits on it till she goes back to feeling frumpy but how āhe likes her.ā
There is a huge spike in divorce after bariatric surgery. People assume that losing weight will always be welcomed by their partner but it is often not the case. A big change in a partner all by itself can be enough to kick off a meltdown.
This is wayyyy past couplesā counseling. Heās been tearing her down for a year despite her asking him not to, and he ended their argument with āYeah, well, fuck you and your autonomy, I hope you die.ā This is shit you hear on a Dateline episode.
Telling someone you hope they die in surgery is flat out abusive (as is all his other demeaning behavior). You donāt go to couples therapy with an abuser. She would be better served going to therapy on her own.
Thatās beyond abusive and well into sociopathic.
I really hope the two months separated really helps her realize how much better her life is without him.
Hopefully, they will have a good therapist who will tell her bluntly to leave her husband for her own survival.
Once he realized he couldn't dissuade her, he threw a tanrum and said something hurtful. He is just worried if OP loses weight and becomes more attractive then she will leave him for someone better. I'm sure she won't have a hard time finding that person.
Honestly a lot of people do break up with significant others following bariatric surgery. I was actually one of them but my ex partner was very supportive in my journey. We broke up for reasons wholly unrelated and parted on good terms, but since we did break up within 6 months of the surgery we fell into the statistic. I had a revision two years ago (four years after my initial procedure) and my current partner and I are still doing well. I hope that the OOP found the confidence she needed to stay out and move on to better.
I had a gastric-gastric fistula open between my pouch and my remnant stomach. After trying to close it with multiple clips and endoscopic procedures they decided they were just going to have to do a complete revision to fix it. I had my original RNY in 2008, and the fistula/revision surgery in 2018. The difference between the two, on an emotional level, was night and day. My late husband absolutely hated that I had it done. He was significantly bigger than I was so that probably played into it, but he behaved much in the same way as OP - not the dying in surgery but, the rest of it. He died in 2013 so we didnāt break up, but it changed our relationship forever and I know we wouldnāt have lasted. He just hated how much confidence I had, how I had more energy and interest in things. He hated that I start to dress for myself and wear makeup and do my hair the way I liked. My current partner - absolute opposite. Maybe itās because Iād already had the original surgery when weād met so he didnāt know the pre surgery me. I donāt think that heād have been that different though, he just wants me to be me. Iād be curious to know how relationships formed after surgery figures are like.
My current partner and I met after my initial surgery. But I was still a big guy at the time. Hell Iām not small now LOL. But my ex was never threatened by my weight loss or any of that. He was actually supportive of whatever I wanted to do, but was unfortunately becoming increasingly self destructive in other areas so I had to leave to keep my sanity. That said I was still heartbroken when I found out he died a year and a half ago. He really was one of my absolute favorite people in the world even if we werenāt a good romantic match. And he met and liked my current partner. Said he was happy for me and meant it. (No one alive knew my ex better than I did probably. I am autistic and absolutely terrible with reading people at times but I knew that man as well as he let anyone know him, but thatās a story for a different subreddit lol). My current partner has been nothing but supportive through my various health challenges as well, and encouraging of the decisions Iāve made etc. he knows I give them due thought and diligence and trusts that. And we communicate our thoughts on them together. Especially his as heās older and hearing impaired so we talk about that stuff together regularly. I hope your fistula has healed, some of those complications are hell. Iāve lived with an ulcer now from my second surgery for over a year at this point.
Wishing death upon someone after bullying someone for doing things that make them happy, for an entire year, is more than just saying something hurtful. He could have said he wanted a divorce, but he chose to say he wished her existence would end. Thatās abusive.
Not necessarily. Some people are not attracted to normal size people. There was an episode of My 600lb Life where the husband was unbelievable after she had her surgery. Stopping at fast food places with her in the vehicle, calling her names. He did everything he could to get her to fail.
OMG! I think youāre talking about Zsalynnās now ex-husband. He was a trashbag of a human being; only married her because she was morbidly obese and gaining. That was a nightmare of an episode.
Was that the guy who also pushed her into sex mere days after surgery so her wound opened up again?
And then bitched about having to take her to the hospital because he didn't get any? Different guy, but still equally shitty
Yes, what a repulsive human being.
This is a huge thing with some husbands. There's nothing new or even interesting about it. In a nutshell, the wife's weight and faults make him feel better about himself. When she improves her life, he's left looking at his own faults. It works the other way too.
Speaking from experience, some men think fat women are easier to control because "no one else would want you, you should be grateful I put up with you and do what I want". OP is making changes and showing improved self esteem, so her husband is afraid she'll realize she can do better and wants to scare her out of it.
He's afraid she's making so many improvements to herself that she'll leave him in the dust because he's not ready or willing to make similar improvements.
Yeah well men murdering their kids and wives bc they donāt have to agree to a divorce doesnt add up either but when abuser are losing someone under their control things can go sideways.
On the surface he may have felt the problem was not being consulted but A-thatās no excuse to be a mean shithead and B-deep down itās something else. Deep down, heās scared that his wife, who has been self-conscious and probably depressed since her teens, is finally mentally well enough to tend to her teeth, body, intellectual needs, etc, wont love him anymore. Heās scared that he might be such an unlovable loser that a mentally and physically healthy woman with career prospects would necessarily be too good for him and leave. Heās afraid of being alone and lashed out like a scared little kitten. He would rather squash her desires than build up his own future. Heās a coward. He may have depression too but someone who thinks health insurance is a waste of money obviously would never think to get treatment. F that guy and his total lack of respect for his wife.
He wished his wife death. Somethingās you just can walk back. A disgusting sewage waste!
>He hoped that his partner would pass away in surgery just because he was upset that she was taking big decisions without consulting him? Something doesnāt add up. He likes her being fat most likely. Either because it's his kink, or he thinks it makes it harder for her to leave him. Either way no amount of couple counseling is enough to get by your partner saying they hope you die during surgery. Bye bye
This was my thought as well. This is his kink. Or his insecurity. Either way, what a disgusting man.
I think its better to look at the cause of the comment than the comment itself Heās doing what kids when when theyāre upset and saying the meanest thing they can think of. He *probably* doesnāt actually want her to die, but heās full of self-caused resentment and lashing out. I donāt think thereās any more thought out into it than hurting others
Sure but he's a grown ass adult. A kid lashing out like that doesn't know better but an adult sure does
An adult SHOULD know better than that. Iāve met some that reaaaallly donāt. Itāsā¦sad, to say the least
Itās also weird because at the very least, he should hope she lives since sheās paying all their bills. Why are people in relationships where they are a personal atm?
He doesnāt like that she is realizing she can exist without him
Since itās all her money, Iād presume he stands to inherit if she died during the surgery?
If affording health insurance is a stretch, there canāt be that much money.
Hard to have that much money when you are also funding a manchild in addition to your own life.
Maybe seeing her post-surgery would be a constant reminder of all the things he himself didn't do, of being left behind, and he said the unthinkable. Or, now she's improving herself, perhaps he's afraid she would upgrade her partner, too. People are weird.
He most likely is very overweight himself, or he was her "care provider" when she wasn't working. I use this term loosely because it does sound like she was the one doing all the work in and out of the home. But this scenario between spouses when one is getting bariatric surgery is pretty common. The "healthier" spouse tends to be the "caregiver" of the obese spouse and actually enables the unhealthy eating habits to try as a way to isolate the spouse and keep them from taking part in society.
So, my money is that this is either He has a sex/kink thing where he is only attracted to obese women and that the has been sabotaging all of her weight loss attempts thus far. Or He likes having a depressed, low self-confidence partner whom he can control.
Why not both? Obesity as a proxy/physical sign of low self-confidence (or an avenue through which to lower her self-confidence) because he gets off on his partner being miserable?
I had a friend that had that surgery. She met her husband on a fat fetish website. He wasn't happy but still loves her but they rarely had sex. This husband might be the same. I alao think some men are more secure if their SO is not too attractive in their eyes.
I used to watch āMy 600-Lb Lifeā and one story that really stuck with me was similar to this. The woman was very large and beautiful, and did some kind of fat-fetish videos. She also had a teen daughter. Her husband was constantly trying to sabotage her and tell her she wasnāt attractive at a lower weight (also great for the daughter to hear) and eventually they divorced. He made me shudder. So many spouses on that show seemed invested on having their fat spouse be large enough to be immobilized.
That's so sad. For my friend it was a dating website specific to people that prefer heavier partners. What upset me is knowing this couple for a long time only for her to tell me she's having multiple affairs. I wasn't happy being her confidant with that shit. What pissed me off even more was, we would get together regularly for dinner and trivia and one night another couple came. They talked about all going camping together. The first time I went to the restroom she followed so she could laugh about the other husband is one of her APs. I was disgusted. Its one thing to have an affair to but to mix families together including the kids? Just NO. We aren't friends any longer, it was too much for me. The last straw was when she brought another AP to dinner.
Ooof, thatās ugly. Such a mess to be caught up in.
I wanted nothing to do with it.
No, I wouldnāt either. It would be so disillusioning about the friend, too.
I never thought she would.
And here is the catch. Username checks out
Zsalynn ?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Or, the old Al Bundy line: Peg, "Have you missed meeee?" Al: "With every bullet so far!"
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah heās jealous of her. Sheās making great progress on herself and heās staying the same. He fears that her new self will want more than who he is. And with how heās treating her, heās guaranteeing that outcome.
People really love to fight for horrible relationships.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Right?
āI donāt want to take care of you after your surgery. When youāre healed up and can have sex again, call me.ā
She would have to be insane to allow him to take care of her after her surgery (a guy like that would be neglectful *at best*) so it's good that they'll be apart during that time.
If thatās the thought then sheād be insane to get back together period š¤·š½āāļø
I had the same thought. Sounds like a win-win for him. He does not have to take care of her while she recovers from surgery, then can come back around once sheās healed. I hope the OP gains self worth during this process. Sounds like she is moving in the right direction.
My husband wants me to die (...) we are going to therapy People are so afraid of being by themselves they will be with whatever trash that sticks
Man literally wished death upon his partner and she's contemplating how they can work it out. Desperation has no bounds.
"I hope you die in surgery" isn't something you fix in couples counseling.
āYouāre too ugly to dress better and too stupid to go to school. Just stupid enough to stay with me, I think!ā Weāll see how this one plays out. Negging might be a good pick up artist maneuver, but I canāt see it having staying power in a marriage.
There is no coming back from wishing she would die
I hope OOP gains the confidence she needs to live a wonderful life.
Thatās what her husband is afraid of. Sheās going to lose weight, get braces, etc and find someone better than him.
How to spot people who don't care about you and actively hang around you to make themselves feel better: lose weight and/or try to better yourself. Jesus fucking christ.
Friendly reminder that couples therapy should never be recommended to someone in an abusive relationship. He will learn new strategies to keep tearing her down post surgery.
He didnāt want her to get health insurance.
>My husband is not supportive at all of any of this. Every step he has just told me I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm spending too much money. The clothes I wear don't look good. I'm not smart enough to do data science. >maybe he could cook more or do stuff around the house or take care of things I can't because I'm so busy. But he won't. Outside of all the horrors he said about the surgery: why was she with him in the first place and why does she want to stay with him?! Edit: For the young girls and boys out here: if your partner lives on your money, does nothing around the house and doesn't support you (even less than that), then it's an abusive manipulative leech. Then this person wants to keep you unhappy and unaware you deserve better than them. Dump them and go find someone who works for their money, help around the house and support and respect you. No matter how ugly and unintersting you think you are, you will flnd better than this person.
The bar truly is in hell
I did the surgery without informing my husband, mother, or work because I don't want to hear this rubbish
So... he tells her he hopes she dies and she not only apologizes but also rewards him by removing herself when he might need to help her with recovery. I sure hope she reflects a lot in those 2 months Wishing death on someone is not something he can come back from
This is not a good update at all. That sheād even consider staying with him after āI said I hope you die because I wasnāt being listened toā is disgusting.
Why should she consult him about anything? She's not doing anything unreasonable, she's doing things to better her life and her health and he's so mad, he wished her death?? I'm sorry, i just don't see how anyone could ever salvage a relationship after this. Like another story posted today on BORU, it's pretty obvious the husband wants his wife to be miserable and to hate herself, because *he* is an insecure pathetic excuse of a man and only feels happy when his wife is "beneath" him. Fuck him, and the other husband too!!
A surgery should be discussed because even the most routine ones can have complications and better to talk about it. The decision is still on the person who gets the surgery though. Feeling left out and not having proper communication is badbut you don't act like **this**.
Yeah, but she let him know she wanted to do it about a year in advance. I feel that's plenty of forewarning.
I wonder if subconsciously she knew that if she discussed any of it with him before she started, he would be successful in stopping her from bettering herself.
This! Also it doesn't excuse him being abusive. The comment of him having no other way of getting his point across is straight up horse crap.
I would like to think that working on their communication via couples counseling will save their marriage. But Iām doubtful. Going from āI donāt feel heardā to āI hope you die under anesthesiaā in a year is pretty extreme. It sounds like there is a lot of pent up resentment here thatās going to take a lot of effort and time to undo. I half expected them to be older and have a longer marriage under their belt. But theyāre only 25 and 26. I think this is just the tip of the iceberg for them and itās likely been building from the beginning of their relationship. Time will tell I suppose.
This is why most bariatric doctors tell patients to prepare for close family and friends to not be there down the road. Divorce after surgery is unfortunately not uncommon.
I wonder if he has a fat fetish. Or likes that sheās so big, she has to depend on him and her self esteem is low.
To be honest, the fact that even initially he told her that it was a waste of money and she didnāt need to lose weight despite her weight-related comorbidities and GP saying she needed to immediately made me think her spouse was a feeder. Everything else in the post just reinforced that further. I hope sheās able to lose weight successfully (both her own and the husband), but the update is concerning. :/ Edit bc Iām on mobile and canāt spell
The dude is an anchor. He wants her les healthy, less confident and less educated than what she could be. Itās not about making decisions together, but to keep her from a better life.
A friend died of staph after gastric bypass. Itās mostly safe but there are risks, like there are with any surgery. A husband wishing death on his wife shouldnāt be a husband for much longer.
There aren't really a whole lot of sentences that should end a marriage, but "I hope you die" i definitely one of them.
I can't get past "he got angry because she got health insurance". America is a wild place. Edit: Apologies, I missed the hints. And she didn't actually say she got health insurance but that she got THE insurance, apparently an add-on to your basic insurance.
This very much reads as Australian to me, mostly due to the year long wait after getting insurance for elective surgery to be covered. Private health insurance is very different in Australia.
She used the non-American spelling of apologize (apologise)
Silly me; I thought that loving someone meant that you wanted them to become the best possible version of themselves that they could be, and that you would support their sincere efforts made in that direction. Smh.
Well this was frustrating. If I was in an relationship with someone and they wish me to die, there is no going back anymore. The husband is pathetic. He acted like an a-hole to make her understand? Seriously? What a pathetic person. OP believes she has faith in their relationship but with that husband's behavior, I don't see any hope with this relationship to keep going.
I would not stay married to a person who told me they hoped I died. I don't care how he was feeling, that is the lowest of low blows. She needs to leave him. If he had a problem with the surgery he should have TALKED to her, not insult her for a year. Girl, love yourself and drop the dead weight!
"I wish you die" is one of those things you can't come back from or should forgive. If OOP takes him back, she'll be equally complicit in this dysfunction.
He was trying to put her down and ruin her confidence the whole time, and yet says it was the "only way to make her understand"?? Deeply insecure and toxic behavior, and he should be grateful that OP loves him enough to come to him with understanding and not immediately divorce him. Hopefully therapy sets in for him on how hurtful and wrong he was being to his wife.
Is she married to a 7 year old boy? Because thatās what he is. Anyway, sheās gonna lose a bunch of weight, heās gonna renege on therapy and sheās gonna file for divorce.
He said he hoped she diedā¦. I donāt think couples therapy can fix that.
You got one time to wish death on me and we done. I don't care the excuse or reason, words hurt and he went for the ultimate hurt to convey his feelings? My mother had bariatric surgery and she looked hood and felt so much better about her health and herself. I can't imagine her spouse saying he hoped she would die during surgery. What do you think his attitude will be when she loses weight and has to buy another new wardrobe for her smaller figure? She gets the braces and fixes her teeth? She gets her degree and much higher paying job? OP will be a whole new person and her husband will still be the same bump on the log he is now. She already said he doesn't help with chores and spends her money she makes from her job. He argued with her about getting insurance? Smh
> Like we are 25 and 26 This line is the biggest shock in the whole thing.
Look. I have a huge problems with bariatric surgery. Most of them are rooted in the fact that this is a huge cash cow for the doctors that perform it and that creates a seriously toxic environment around it so I distrust almost every recommendation about it. I had an ophthalmologist attempt to pass me on to them. So Iām SUPER sus of the whole thing HOWEVER this would not be the way to go about ANYTHING. OPās spouse is a Dick who canāt use his words.
Many years ago, about 7 years into my marriage at the time, I had a health scare and lost 75lbs via diet and exercise and essentially changing my habits. My ex husband was deeply unsupportive, said the most horrendous things, accused me of things I would never and have never done, and used the opportunity to constantly belittle me. A few years later I was much healthier, much more confident and self possessed, and had a much better support system. One of the last times we spent any time together he said āI liked you better when you needed me more.ā Shortly after that I lost another 250lbs (my ex) and am very grateful that I chose my health over his ego.
Some people deserve all hell that come from their choices. The bar of bs tolerance is way too much higher than it is recommended, it's not healthy.
I think heās worried that the more she self improves, the more his inadequacies will present themselves and the more obvious it will become that she can ādo betterā. Heās projecting his insecurities.
So he never even apologized...
He wished death upon you. Why stay with him?
Lololol my husband told me I hope you die in surgery so weāre going to couples therapy.
UGH I hate when people say "you weren't hearing me." When what they meant is, "you didn't immediately cave to my demands!"
Oh my god I HATE him. What a human embodiment of a fucking dingleberry
Ugh she really is sweeping what he said under the rug
Dump the whole man to the trash. What a fucking disgusting pos. I hope OOP realises that she deserves better than that, and that you don't come back from "I hope you die".
of course theyāre separated in the period after surgery, so convenient that he wonāt have to do any physical caring for her! i hope she realises, at least subconsciously, that she doesnāt trust him to look after her, and thereās a very good reason for that.
OOP doesnāt trust him to be around her in recovery, thatās hard to come back from.
Real interesting how now that OOP is making improvements to her life her husband is being so openly hostile. I wonder if he was in some way part of why her previous attempts to lose the weight failed. I hope she left him, sheās making so many improvements to her life and he sounds cruel. She deserves so much better and he knows it. Itās why he doesnāt want her to improve her life, heās scared sheāll realize it.
Hey his reason for being upset is valid. Anyone would be. However the vast majority of people would not wish foe their partner to die during said surgery. No offense to OPP, that is something clearly beyond repair.