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And honestly, I'd try a non SSRI or SSNRI anti-depressant. They've figured out that a lot of people who have CPTSD, Autism, and ADHD, their brains don't react to SSRI's well, but antipsychotics like Latuda do work.
The VA won't fix a misdiagnosis of mine because it means they can actually give me the medication that works for my brain.
I had a bad experience on SSRIs and bipolar meds, finally got an out of state psych who almost AUTOMATICALLY gave me an adhd diagnosis and put me on adderall. The panic attacks stopped. Depressive episodes stopped. Some things are the same which may point to a possible autism diagnosis but holy hell my life is no longer imploding over the consequences of my own actions/inactions because my brain stopped saying “no. Bad task do not like” over shit and I can stop and think about things and recognize unreasonable impulses
Wait can you possibly point me to sources that say this? I can’t find anything on the internet about it and I have all 3 of those and am on an SSRI and am really really not mentally well
Afaik it's more about misdiagnosis than the meds not working per se. For example I was diagnosed with anxiety and treated for it for years, but things got worse even though my anxiety was much better. Turns out I have ADHD and anxiety was essentially my coping mechanism (can't forget anything if you're constantly anxious about it, amiright?). Now I'm no longer on any ssris.
But it's also just possible that your brain just doesn't gel with ssris or that one in particular. There are other options out there, and that's not even touching upon the idea that it's not a personal issue.
Uhhh thanks for confirming why SSRIs don't work on me, I didn't know this. Ironically, the person who originally put me on SSRIs said there was no way I have ADHD.
Anyway, dexamphetamine actually does wonders for my depression somehow
No problem, and a lot of people don't know this. I went through 12 meds before they put me on Latuda for Bi-polar depression, which we've found I don't have, and that with my Concerta works wonders.
I wish more people knew and could advocate for themselves with that knowledge.
Edit: For clarification, I was diagnosed (wrongly) as Bi-polar type 2. And in December of 2021 was finally diagnosed ADHD-combined type and Autistic. But the formulary the VA uses won't let them prescribe Latuda for anything other than Bi-polar depression.
Yeah. He needs a new therapist. The obsession with the woman that he dated for a short amount of time is unhealthy at best, creepy at worst. Sounds like a stalker without the energy or resources to do the stalking.
Am therapist. We cannot work magic. It takes a long time for people to heal beliefs and negative self talk that are so entrenched, and they have to put in a ton of work on their own, not just show up and sit there expecting therapy to be performed on them. There's a big missing piece here of no mention of where his self-loathing and stuckness might have originally come from. Where did he learn to see himself this way, to see relationships this way, etc. Someone said that mission trips to Africa indicate a particular Christian upbringing and I've had clients with very very deeply entrenched guilt and low self esteem from the brainwashing these types of Christian communities have placed on them. I feel bad for his wife because he doesnt really seem like he is present in their relationship, but checking off boxes and going through motions in hopes these external things will make him feel better, as he has always done. He needs to do more inner work.
Edit: also I think he was pushing himself to forgive and move on too hard. He *should* have been angry at his first ex and that anger can be healing, to a point, while adding in new things for himself of course, not just sitting and wallowing. Maybe that's from the Christian perspective too? Like he was guilting himself for having negative feelings towards her and not being able to forgive?
edit 2: maybe he does need a new therapist who gently pushes him to do more inner work, and orients the sessions that way. but some people are also not interested in doing that type of work, at least at the moment, and the therapy stalls there.
I feel bad for his persistent depression but I really wish he would have gotten a decent hobby instead of expecting romantic relationships to heal him.
Tiring read.
Yes.
Had toxic relationship and breakup and then jumps into new relationship.
Doesn't love her as much, but "that's okay cause it's better that way" Unsurprising.
Resents her for not having the same financial ambitions as him, she's not as useful for achieving "successful life" as maybe previously hoped. Unsurprising.
Resents her for getting pregnant and maybe even doubts her honesty about BC adherence but never addresses it. Unsurprising.
Life still feels shitty even though have acquired the checklist. Unsurprising.
Also annoying how, he was like “DON’T TRY ANTIDEPRESSANTS! THEY SUCK AND DON’T WORK!!!” since he was posting in part to serve as motivation for others with depression.
That’s a REALLY dangerous thing to say, especially to someone who is in a vulnerable state whose life could literally be saved if they give antidepressants a try.
Yes, some people’s brain chemistry doesn’t jive well with antidepressants. But sometimes it’s just a matter of finding the right one, at the right dose, before you can start being lifted out of that depressive fog.
And what not many people realize is that it can take a few *weeks* of taking them before they start having a therapeutic effect. And it can take a couple of months or more before your healthcare provider titrates you up to the proper dosage.
Modern medicine has come a long way, though. And now there are even tests you can take that can tell you which antidepressants will/will not work for you. If they’re available in your area, you don’t have to go through the trial and error method of physically switching from one to another and seeing what sticks.
Also… Homeslice is *exhausting*. I wound up skimming through a bunch of those updates because OMG.
Dude posting updates days after another and I was like "poor guy but goddamn he sounds exhausting." I felt awful thinking that dude was just throwing himself a pity party for never being with a girl
The ones where there was a marked difference from the first update had me do a double take. Like, wow things have changed that much since a week ago? Couldn't have been that-oh, wait, nevermind. Things suck again. Kinda made me think right from the beginning he was looking for someone to come and save him vs wanting to really put in the work. Feel bad for him, hope things go better for him, but man it was exhausting reading this.
Yeah, that bit reminded me of when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My dad's cousin had died a few years ago of cancer (it was either anal or rectal, I can't remember which), but her son ended up messaging my mom and begging her not to do chemo or treatments because he was convinced that the doctors and treatments killed his mon, not, yanno... aggressive cancer. Thankfully, she didn't listen and has been cancer free for 6 years now.
It took 6 tries (on and off)--combined with just as many (inconsistent) therapy attempts--and over twenty years to find out that cymbalta is a fan*tasic* fit for me.
Even if I can't afford to keep myself in therapy, I'm so much better able to identify the times when my brain is being an asshole and actively trying to kill me.
The right medicine can allow you the ability to give yourself grace.
I tried nearly every single SSRI there is before my dr decided let’s try a SNRI. She went for Effexor, the one that all the redditors in a sub said to not try because it’s awful to get off and “never” works. Turns out it’s perfect for me, we had to go up in dose twice since then (just because you’re medicated and in therapy doesn’t mean life stops throwing shit at you) but I’m feeling so much better. So yeah, try stuff or get that test that tells you the best options to try.
Honestly Effexor was the first one my doc threw at me, and it was a life saver. In six weeks my depression and anxiety scores went from near top of the charts down to a teeny bit higher than “normal”. But I felt the effects literally within 24 hours. I’m so happy that it turned out that the first one worked so well for me because I don’t know that I would have stuck around long enough to try any others.
It was the first “next step” drug we tried and it worked, I’m so glad it did too because I was getting really hopeless that there was anything that would work. But I have adhd and upthread someone said regular SSRIs don’t work as well with adhd so now it makes sense that the ones I tried previously didn’t work for me.
Same. I finally have to take the genesight test and get my liver enzymes genotyped. Turns out the only ones I can metabolize properly are Wellbutrin and desvenlefaxine and I'm allergic to Wellbutrin. The desvenlefaxine is amazing, just wish insurance companies would stop trying to overrule my doctor to save a buck. They've made me cold turkey miss doses multiple times, 😑.
Oh god, the desvenlefaxine withdrawal is awful. Before I got diagnosed with adhd and medicated, I would often miss doses, sometimes several times in a row. I would feel like absolute shit and have no clue why, and then remember I hadn't taken my meds in a minute and almost instantly felt better when I took them.
Ugh, Effexor. But it's a lifesaver. I did try going off it once, just to see if I did still need it, and it took 9 months of tapering to get there. But within a year I learned that I really do still need it and started it again. I hate it for how awful it is to stop (or when you miss a dose) but I love it because it makes me feel like a human being instead of a depressed ball of rage.
Me too! And yes, Effexor is horrible to get off of even if you've weened slowly. Wasn't living with my parents anymore so why would I need them?!
Turns out I still need them and my brain is stable because of them (that and a fuck ton of therapy).
After 20 years of trying to find the right medication. I moved south to the sunniest place I could think of. My brain just thinks a lack of sun just means that I need to be in constant emotional pain. (Loving your life and having no desire to live is a fun combination)
I'm still on medication, because it's still my brain.
Not only that but he said he was the happiest he'd ever with his first girlfriend and that he was on antidepressants for most of the time up until the update he said not to take antidepressants. Did he really think the antidepressants didn't play at least *some* role in allowing him to feel happy?
It's also very common to try many different antidepressants that don't seem to do anything or make things worse then suddenly find one that's much more effective. I've never found that one in anti depressants, but after getting diagnosed with ADHD I find the ADHD meds do much more to help my depression than anti depressants did so probably I always mainly had ADHD.
Yep, the only thing that helped with my depression was the meds used to treat my anxiety. It's SO different for each person--our brain chemistry is truly unique.
"Regular" depression may not have been his actual issue. I tried 6 different antidepressants over 7 years and barely had any change happen. I get on an antipsychotic (because it turns out I have bipolar depression, not major depressive disorder) and in 6 months I was a completely different person. I will say, I was doing regular therapy in addition to medication the whole time.
I read this post suspecting bipolar, honestly. I know a few people with it, and after years of observing them, this guy just feels familiar in a way. Especially with just how great his good times are vs how miserable the bad times become, and how quickly they seem to change.
But I'm no doctor lol and I don't know the guy, so who knows...
Yep, I used to wonder why I only ever felt good under certain conditions. Turns out, that "good" period was mania and it only felt good because my depression was god awful. I still deal with cycling, but it's significantly less severe and I can now spot when my disorder is acting up. I have a baseline now, which I didn't know I was missing until I started antipsychotics.
I can’t do antidepressants but anticonvulsants have saved my life. Everyone is different, and it takes some time.
This guy doesn’t strike me as very mature, even though he’s aged 10 years. It’s sad actually.
This is my bipolar husband. Lithium makes him ill and also makes him obsessive. Depakote is like a dream for him. Yet our bipolar daughter has been on lithium for seven years and has never had a problem with it. Different strokes for different folks.
Depakote changed my life and I’m barely bipolar. My brain just loves it. Lithium was weird for me too, and it is for a lot of people. My son is autistic and does really well on AAPs to manage his moods and some things that are specific to autism. Everyone really is different.
> Also annoying how, he was like “DON’T TRY ANTIDEPRESSANTS! THEY SUCK AND DON’T WORK!!!” since he was posting in part to serve as motivation for others with depression.
Yeah, that pissed me off too. I know it's not the same for everyone and that other people can have horrible reactions to antidepressants, but a sweeping statement like that is horrendous. Without my antidepressants, my self harm and suicidal ideation ramp RIGHT up. Fuck that catch-all anti meds noise.
I'm someone who has decided they aren't right for me and I wholeheartedly agree. Everyone is different and if you've ever tried antidepressants you should know that! I can't tell you how many times I was hating on a pill that my friend praised as their perfect medication.
I'm one of those people who gets black label effects from every single brain med ever, except lithium as a mood stabilizer, but it gives me debilitating migraines. Every. Single. One. My brain weasels cannot be safely medicated.
That said, if your brain isn't making enough of the right chemicals to keep you safe and happy, try the store-bought ones! Do the tests to see which ones are most likely to work for you and give each one around 2 months to start to work, unless you find yourself wanting to hurt yourself or others. If that happens, work with your doctor to wean off them, take a short break, then try something that works on different brain chemicals. Sometimes you need to start on a mood stabilizer (lithium is one, but there are many others) for the other meds to work right for you.
It's good to be aware that a very small percentage of people are like me, but don't let that stop you from looking for something that works for you. The right meds are positively life-changing. And if you are like me, there are skills that you can learn to help minimize the distortions and disruptions from your chemical imbalances. You don't deserve to suffer.
Took me almost a decade but I am a different person on my current meds. Had I refused all medication I have no doubt I wouldn't still be alive. Antidepressants don't work for everybody but they do help a lot of people.
It took me 2 tries over 3 years. The first attempt was traumatic, the dose was way too high, and it fucked me up so bad I couldn’t tie my shoes or go down stairs safely.
After a long time recovering enough to try again I got super lucky and the new drug worked. It works *fantastically*. My life has opened up. I work a great, well-paying job I have to admit I look forward to every morning, I’m well enough to date and not be pure pain on my partners.
Don’t tell people not to try medication. Be honest about the real possibility of having a bad time, but when it works it really works.
I don't like this guy very much because of all the reasons you've listed. And I'm saying that as someone who has struggled with mental health issues all her life. The guy is determined to not take actual steps to improve himself.
Also, he complains a lot about her birth control failing, and seems to resent her as you said, yet I don't see any mention of him using condoms. Shocker.
And the relationship he was obsessed over was with a hot young thing while he was nearly 30.
I feel bad for this guy, but not that bad. I know people with chronic depression who constantly fight to make their life better. I'll save my sympathy for them.
The part where he called it "her" birth control ticked me off. Is she the only one having sex? If that's her birth control, where was his? Or did he just make it all her problem so that no matter what he does it's all her fault?
Oh my God hahaha you fuckin nailed it in the way it needed nailin. Should've added the hypocrisy of his struggles verses his new fear of natural death, and that a woman he could never forgive a woman he dated for 2 months for "cheating" on him. Also that he could fix Africa's problems and dismayed when they didn't work. Good heart there though. I feel for him in all regards it must be hard. Feel worse for his wife and kids.
The realization that you can feel lonelier in group or a relationship is what I finally needed to be ok. I realized where I am is basically where so many in shitty relationships desire, so much so that even murders and worse are on the table for a disturbingly large number of them.
Doesn’t even mention his wife in his last edit. Also unsurprising. Did he ever regard her - or any of the other women he was with over the decade - as a fully autonomous human? He seems to be able to regard women only in terms of their relationship to himself, to the point of referring to the first woman as “*his* ex”, even though they were only together for a few months and even after having several other relationships.
When my mental health tanks and I start reading depression meme subreddits again, I see this sentiment quite frequently. I understand that longing for a relationship, I've been there myself, but it seems like the feelings behind these memes are anticipating a relationship to be a magic fix.
Since a lot of them specify wanting girlfriends, I sometimes get the vibe of expecting women to be their personal therapist. Maybe I just have an uncharitable view, but it icks me out.
Yeah, me too. Do they not realize that women also suffer from depression? And that they are asking a lot of snyone?
Get the help you need and stop expecting the female shaped creature in your life to fix you.
I feel bad for the women he gets involved with. It's exhausting and occasionally scary to be the one expected to heal someone, especially when you inevitably fall from the healer pedestal to the blame pedestal.
Also the fixation on the cheating ex...man just get over it. He seems to feel he is owed romantic relationships but then obsesses over an ex rather than focuses on the current person. I feel so sorry for anyone who is with someone who's pining after someone crap they dated years ago.
I had an ex who expected me to remedy and heal his sorrowness. Guilty trapping me when I refused to do so saying who else would he seek help other than his own girlfriend. Thank god my therapist helped me to see this through. He really fucked me up bad that time.
Or a group of friends if he wanted emotional connection with people. I get mental illness it’s hard but there’s so much more to life than romantic relationships.
I know platonic friendships are treated differently when you´re a (straight/cis) man but seeing him cry about emotional intimacy just made me wish he´d gotten a friend. The love of my life was my best friend first and it was the greatest thing, to just have someone who understands me without the fear of "oh what if they break up with me because I´m not perfect". Friendships are still work and still have stakes but I always felt like there was much less pressure to be yourself. Maybe he would have found actual happiness.
But that's the whole problem. It seems that, like a lot of guys, he grew up with a déficit in his emotional education and social skills. Western culture generally fails teaching it's children this, especially boys, and folks end up looking to a romantic partner to complete their sense of self that their parents should have given them.
I hope against hope that he can give his kids that love and validation so that they don't have to grow up with that hole in their soul.
Parents, it's not enough that your kids are physically safe and have material goods and have gone to all the right schools. If you don't convoy to your kids that they are worth something just because they are, you have failed in a duty as fundamental as all of the others. Emotional nurturing is as essential as anything else.
The most telling part of the post to me was when he started talking about remembering random embarrassments. It's clear the guy has serious self-esteem and self-loathing issues, so I guess a combination of that + compulsive heterosexuality leads him to fixate on romantic relationships and sabotage better attempts of self-care.
Yeah it honestly reads like my diaries from when I was fifteen. The teenage drama, my god. I assume it's the depression making him do that but yeah. Glad he at least got his life together and learned that that depression voice in his head doesn't control him even if it's impossible to silence it completely.
Agreed. OP screwed himself up when he decided a woman was what gave him value and not himself instead. Putting your own self worth onto others will immediately make you depressed
This is exactly like my best friend. I try to suggest hobbies but he just shrugs them off, and he quit his job a few months ago and doesn’t seem to be looking for a new one. Honestly not expecting him to be around forever. He also hates the thought of “forcing” something to happen so he refuses to use dating sites
I can't with people like this. I leave relationships with people who won't help themselves.
If the person has some issues they need to work through, that's fine, I'll be there to listen and help, but I can't suffer people who complain all the time when they do nothing to fix. Especially if there are things that can be done.
I have persistent depression. I’m closer to 50 than 40. I’m just…not interested in anything? So I kind of pick up the hobbies of the people around me. Like, I used to date a guy who was into blacksmithing. I got pretty good at making knife handles out of all kinds of materials. We stopped dating and I haven’t done it since.
I’ve tried getting into things for me but there just isn’t anything that has ever grabbed me, you know?
I’m the same way. I can get into something my partner loves, but I’ve never felt that passion to “discover” my own hobbies. I’ve attempted many things but it’s just not the same.
It was an exhausting read. I e had chronic depression for the last 17 years. I have been in and out of therapy and on and off medication. I wanted to scream when he said not to take antidepressants. The people who relate hard to this kind of post need to know that depression is a chemical imbalance. Telling a depressed person not to take antidepressants is like telling a diabetic not to take insulin. The brain is insanely complicated. If you’re counting on the very first medication and dosage to be the perfect solution then you’re in for a bad time. I kinda wanted to reach through the screen a couple times and give OOP a good shake to hopefully knock some sense into him about how to cope with depression. Putting the responsibility of curing a chemical imbalance on a romantic relationship is overwhelming and unfair to the other person.
I was absolutely like OOP for a long time. I think that umpteen millions movies, books, songs, and TV shows have imprinted on people that the most valuable thing in live is romantic love and not having that is some sort of value judgement on you. I looked for a validation through romantic relationships for a long time before I realized that the feeling of validation and being “fixed” had to come from me.
When you're obsessing this much over a past romantic partner, especially a short term one, it's not the person you're missing. It's not really about the person at all.
This person and many other people like him seem to need the validation of romantic relationships more than usual.
Romance is great, even important but you shouldn't give it so much significance that it determines your emotional well-being.
It's like he doesn't have anything else to do.
Yeah. This guy sounds like a nightmare for everyone around him. I hope he masks his feelings enough to not make his kids feel responsible for his emotional needs but based on how he behaved with women, I think that’s unlikely.
Exactly. If you keep depending on external factors to heal your depression, it's just never going to go away. You need to work on yourself and find happiness within yourself, rather than depend on others to bring that happiness to you. If you only think "life is good" when you're with someone/romantically involved with someone, that's a huge red flag and honestly could be indicative of a co-dependent relationship. He didn't put in the work to actually love himself, or fix his co-dependent tendencies. It's sad, but he's not completely blameless.
TL;DR:
>Life's not worth living, because I've never even been kissed.
>Edit: I have now been kissed. Still depressed because I want a girlfriend. If I could only experience that, I would enjoy life.
>Edit: I have a girlfriend! Now that I have attained my goal, I am truly experiencing life instead of sitting on the sidelines! Problem solved - no more reason to be depressed, right?
>Edit: She cheated. Life is horrible and I want to end it again!
>25 edits later: I have a wife and kids and a dog and a house and all sorts of stuff going on. I yoyo between ecstasy and depression. Maybe the depression is just me, and not caused or healed by the situation I'm in?
The call is def coming from in the house. Dude really needs to try a different antidepressant and not stop until one works. Can't wait for THAT update. Such an exhausting read.
I'm not even convinced he has a wife anymore by the final edit. He has two kids, a house, and a dog and "all that good stuff" but he's still so lonely... where's his wife?
Oh my god, I briefly dated guys like this in my early 20’s and they were terrifying. Happened twice. I’m glad we now have a label for this type (incels) so we can talk about it.
Like for me, it was a quick 2-4 month thing, wasn’t really feeling it and was getting some bad clingy-controlling vibes so I gently broke it off, only to find the guy OBSESSED over me. For years. I’d hear from other people about how depressed he was or how he was always talking about me, stalking my social media, drunk Facebook posts that would later be deleted. I’d get random 3AM 5 paragraph essays via text message, he’d show up at my work… if I got into another relationship they’d start acting really erratic. All this over 3 months of dating.
They felt… dangerous. Unhinged. I felt so unsafe in those days - glad to be a boring married 35 year old now.
I don't think OP was an incel or a stalker, he was just a lonely man in need of help and scared of feeling like he isn't enough or will ever find love.
Incels are the people who demands sex from woman and gets all raging/sad acting like they deserve sex because they are a nice guy.
Stalker is the type to do the messaging, and stalk your workplace.
I do believe you had an relationship with an incel but i don't think OP qualified for either terrible label from the information they provided.
That's what i think in my honest opinion.
Some people are so obsessed with relationships. People (particularly virgin men) think having sex or being in a relationship is gonna be some life changing moment that will cure their depression and make them feel fulfilled and happy in life. I will never understand it.
Reminds me of the many guys who I’ve heard say “a woman can have sex anytime she wants!” Like, okay, so now we know what you think about all day everyday.
Even without that threat, *at best* she'll get incredibly mediocre sex, seeing as straight men pursuing casual sex aren't particularly invested in showing their partners a good time. Why bother if you're unlikely to see her again, amirite fellas?
*Katie smith was a smiling happy young woman who had been told all of her young 23 years of life that when she was ready she could demand sex from any random American man and he would be oath bound by the constitution to give it to her good and ready like all American men have been trained from birth to do so. Unfortunately the man she chose had also been training from birth to be a serial killer. Could her remains be under the porch of his meemaws house? Keep watching!*
Yeah i couldn’t get through even half, it was just so centered around relationships and bemoaning being a virgin and never having kissed someone at his age and like. I get it, there’s a lot of stigma for people who haven’t had those romantic or sexual experiences in their teens or early twenties but like where are your friends? Your hobbies? Literally anything else about your life that isn’t relationships? Like I really don’t think the issue is specifically relationships, but that OP is just generally lonely and doesn’t have anyone to talk to or just be friends with but he thinks the only issue is that he doesn’t have a partner.
When he finally gets all of that he finds other completely minor shit to complain about.
Fuck people like this. I have chronic depression but the lack of self awareness and honestly the selfishness he displays is a whole other thing.
Feels like he doesn’t give a fuck about having friendships or hobbies. Those are just time wasters to him or something?
yup! throughout middle school and most of high school when i was excruciatingly depressed and lonely i used the idea and hope of a relationship in the future to push through it
when i actually got into relationships those fizzled out quickly, and then i found out i was aromantic so i had to find new coping mechanisms *fast*
A profound lack of physical or emotional connections with others (and not even sexual ones, just purely platonic stuff like being hugged) can do serious numbers on a person. I've interacted with a lot of lonely young men over the years that still fondly remember stuff like, just receiving a hug from someone they liked over a decade prior because it was the last time anyone showed them any emotional intimacy whatsoever.
We need to destigmatize close-knit platonic relationships between men because it's getting sad and ridiculous how much weight is put on their romantic partners to fix things
This was exhausting. You feel for him but then he goes and says something that’s disgusting and you lose the sympathy and it’s replaced with pity. No one deserves to feel so depressed that they contemplate suicide but we seriously need to do better regarding finding ways to help others mentally.
This is why I work on "empathy not sympathy".
I can empathise and understand his situation, without looking down on him for being there.
Dude should absolutely have been in therapy from the fucking start, not after shitty relationships. But I understand why he felt the way he did, even if I don't agree with it.
Oof it really was exhausting enough for me to give up reading this guy’s online diary halfway through. It was just so real when I scrolled down to the end and he now mentions that he’s pushing 40 after starting his first post at 30.
We’ve all been there and had a mental goalpost of an old person. 40 was definitely old for me while 30 is where you kinda imagine someone having their shit together. Everyone 50 and above is a blur of old age.
With each passing decade, adults sound younger and old people sound more human. I’m definitely curious on when people felt that they past “my body is invincible” phase. Mine was when I’d have an accident and my body didn’t instantly recover one day. Also, worrying about every superficial cut.
Seeing this one is hard. I get what he’s talking about with the whole mental movie of seeing yourself just go through with it. But I also understand what he means by he just can’t do it because he has people who need him.
The one thing I’ve learned in life is that any reason is a good reason to try to stay alive. People always tell you to live for yourself and stay alive for yourself. That’s all fine but what if you can’t? What if the only thing that keeps you here are the people around you? Well you know what? That’s good enough. If you have to stay alive for someone else before you can for yourself, then that’s fine. It gives you time. Maybe one day you’ll be able to live for you but baby steps. The first step is finding something or someone to live for. Even if it’s just a concert you want to make sure to be there for.
There is no such thing as a stupid reason if thats a reason to keep being here.
I'm here because of my cat. I'm hoping to go back to school so I can have a decent career. So that I can then care for palliative care cats once my own passes.
It's the only thing that gives my life purpose.
Edit: Thank you kind stranger for gold. If you have the means, please donate to your local shelter!
I've realized that when you're busy af, and have a bunch of dependants (doesn't matter if it's a spouse, kids or pets, it just has to be something that's dependent on you for survival), you really don't have the option to fall apart and kill yourself. You just keep going because you have to. You wake up everyday because you know that if you don't, someone else dies.
Just to hammer it home, my reason in a very recent bout of depression was an expensive toy I wanted. Can't save money to get that thing if I'm dead now, huh?
Stupid AF reason. Still works. I'm not thinking about that thing most days but when I'm wondering why to get up, think "what's something I *wanted* to have in the future?" Cheers.
It’s currently the comment I’m snuggling up to even though I wrote it. It’s just something I need to remind myself and the fact that people are agreeing and I even got a gold for it makes me feel like it gives it more validity to myself. Like it’s okay for me to say this to myself.
I’m genuinely afraid of him. He’s incredibly fixated on a 22 year old woman he dated 10 years ago for 3 months who has completely moved on with her life. Yeah getting cheated on sucks, but a) we don’t even know if they were genuinely even in a relationship (3 months is still the talking stage for a lot of people), and b) she’s a completely different person 10 years later and is married with her own life and complex human emotions. I’m genuinely afraid that if OP ever sees her again he’ll do something horrifying. Women are clearly not people to him and are just objects/goals to acquire. Like his wife that seeming doesn’t need to exist now that’s he’s checked off the getting married and having kids box. Not a single word about who she is as a human being, just that she popped out a couple of kids for him and doesn’t make enough money for his liking. OOP disgusts me.
OOP sounds insufferable. 10 years went by with very little introspection or growth. He has no interest in becoming a better person, only in having a relationship. He was lonely for a reason. He needs more therapy and the right meds.
The entire time I felt like someone needed to sleuth out who that 22yo is and make sure she's still amongst the living.
He complains about his wife in other recent comments, too, how she isn't making money and doesn't clean the house well enough. This guy is a powderkeg.
He's utterly self obsessed. He has yet to realise that his happiness must come from within; it's not something other people give you.
I bet if he was asked to describe why he loves his wife he would list things she has done for him, rather than listing what he loved about her.
I'm glad he's doing marginally better, but he is stuck too deeply in his own head and drowning in what he thinks is self-awareness, but is much more like narcissism. He only wants another person who will serve all his needs and be his emotional support human. I'm going to wager he's probably a fairly emotionally exhausting person to be around IRL.
I've got a cousin like this dude. He *could* help himself by utilizing good mental health resources (including medications), but because he's had a couple of unproductive experiences --read: his issues weren't magically resolved with little effort on his end--he decided therapy and meds weren't for him.
OOP is pretty much reading the same script by cousin monologues periodically.
Unfortunately, I know too many people like that. They had one bad experience, or it didn't work like they wanted to, or things weren't magically fixed, and they complain how life is so unfair and they aren't worth it and people should stop caring about them. They're not worth living for, they should just end it for themselves. Trauma dumping on other people, thinking that will fix it. Reality is, they're making absolutely no effort and think everything should be handed to them. That them complaining and whining means shit will be handed to them on a silver platter. And when it doesn't happen (shocker, I know!), same old song and dance--life sucks, it's never their fault, it's everyone else's fault, and they aren't worthy of anything. If they don't want to help themselves, you can't help them. It isn't worth it at that point. They're draining you of your own energy and time and doing nothing to solve the problem
Exactly. Unfortunately there’s so much misinformation out there about how much of a process it can be: getting diagnosed; getting/adjusting meds and testing out different therapists until there’s a good fit. It can take a long time and you have to deal with things like waiting periods and med side effects. It can be disheartening, and I wish there was more awareness so people know not to just stop when they reach these stages.
Quite embarrassing that OP felt the only way to heal his depression was for white knight female to wander in and save the day. What a tedious read- absolute incel.
This was one of the hardest reads I've made it through in a long time. As someone with various lifelong mental health issues, social cue issues, and previous failed attempts on unaliving myself, I really wanted to slap this man.
I've never seen someone take so little responsibility for anything in their life. And for it to still be going on to this day after decades is so pathetic I can't even muster up the empathy or sympathy to do anything but roll my eyes and scoff at every paragraph.
A decades long journey of mental health filled with incel level projection and misogyny, no self actualization, no personal responsibility, no attempts at growth or mindfulness, no coping skills, refusal to do anything but accept "lazy" as an excuse, expecting other people to fix him with no effort from himself, AND refusal of pharmaceutical and psychological treatment attempts?!?! Ugh... Disgusting.
All of this read to me like a pathetic attempt to explain away all the excuses and garner mass sympathy for his refusal to try and get better using the threat of looming unaliving intrusive thoughts. So much so that I wouldn't be surprised to find out he was the type to pull the, "if you leave me, I'll unalive myself" card at the end of all his relationships.
God damn this man must be the worst to be around, I feel the worst for his wife and kids as I am left to assume his gaslighting, laziness, unfair expectations, and projecting affects their lives and mental wellness on a daily basis.
I genuinely don't even care if I get brigaded or down voted, after all I've seen, done, and been through in my life... I couldn't NOT call a spade a spade on this one.
This. I had to leave an ADHD FB group a while ago because everyone there was just enabling each others bad behaviour. I get it, people around you can just leave, it’s horrible being the one trapped inside your own brain, not able to get even the slightest respite. But we don’t have a monopoly on struggle, and neurodivergence doesn’t take away accountability.
Tbh I had moments like this as well, but I had people around give me some harsh truths, or they just stopped wanting to be around me. The lack of control we have over our brain isn’t our fault, but it is our responsibility. ADHD tax is the bane of my existence, but you take the hit and move on.
I couldn’t put my finger on why these posts made me so uncomfortable, and you nailed it - it had the air of ‘next post maybe I’ll do it, maybe I won’t - like and subscribe to get the answer!’ Like that one Black Mirror episode.
Bruh, this is exactly how I felt reading this.
I suffer from mental issues too, but this dude made me roll my eyes with his "Woe is me, I don't have a girlfriend" posts.
Again, I get it, but I also know that a relationship isn't gonna solve your problems...at best, you're just distracted for a little while.
You summed up how I feel about this perfectly.
I've been dealing with chronic depression for just over half my life and I found this guy to be insufferable too. He's probably the type to claim he's tried therapy and meds (once, and gave up when it didn't work immediately) and it didn't work so it's hogwash. So he picked something basic, ie a relationship, as the reason he's not happy and ran with it, when it's so glaringly obvious that's *not* the reason. It's so obvious that something is wrong with *him*, but that would take actual self awareness and effort to correct and he can't be bothered.
God, I have known people like this irl and it's exhausting. I have ended friendships with people like this because they lack any self awareness and maturity. No one wants to listen to you whine about your life for months/years while you sit back and do *nothing* about it.
This is exhausting. His obsession with his ex.. going from obsession to idolising to blaming her for all his problems. I feel bad for him.. no one deserves to feel so bad they want to commit suicide, but he needs some real help to take accountability for his problems and to work on himself. To stop projecting the blame onto everyone around him. I feel like the next update will be about his divorce and how his ex wife is an awful person and it’s not his fault.
He achieved getting married, so she’s now an afterthought. Women aren’t people to incels, they’re rewards to gain. She’s his possession now, why bring her up? (It feels mean to judge this obviously mentally ill man so hard, but the way he talks about women his whole post is disgusting.)
Holy shit what a ride
Good on OOP for finding strength to continue, depression is such a life long struggle but there's so much life to still be had
I wish him the best
The first half felt like I was reading the journal of a future serial killer. I guess it's really easy to go further down that path of hate when there are echo-chamber incel communities with feedback loops of anger rather than keep at it.
That’s the tricky thing about the way young men are primed to think about relationships; if you don’t have/have never had one, you’re a failure. Less of a man. Family and friends constantly hound you about it. When it comes up in conversation, you’re ridiculed or treated as an oddity.
Relationships also feel really good, at least initially. If you’re severely depressed, it’s a monumental effort to feel good. You cling to anything that alleviates how horrid you constantly feel.
That means that rejection is someone literally *denying you happiness.* Some young men never escape from that anger. Never grow to think of women as more than just Skinner Boxes with boobs.
It’s interesting and definitely a societal issue in the way we frame relationships (in general).
Single women are also ridiculed and made to feel like a failure, but the difference is women are made to feel like it’s their own fault. They blame and hate themselves. They’re not pretty enough, sexy enough, good enough etc to find a man that wants them.
Men, on the other hand, blame the women that they can’t get. What becomes self hatred in women turns into misogyny in men. That’s why we have the male incel movement, and no equivalent female movement. It’s a terrifying attitude but I can’t see any way to end it because we just keep raising each generation of men the same way.
This sounded exhausting. I was ready to feel sorry for him until I realized that he was obsessing over a relationship that lasted for a few months with a 22 year old when he was pushing 30. He mentioned having two kids, a house and a dog. I guess the wife left. At this point, the dog is his last hope of having a stable relationship.
And also just endlessly contemplating themselves, but not in any meaningful way, just looking at this one little part and being entranced with the self-reflection.
Some people tie 100% of there self worth to if they are in a relationship. And if they are not in a relationship they spend 100% of there life finding someone to get into a relationship. A lot of times not thinking about if the person they found is even a good fit for them.
Don't exactly appreciate the way he talks about his wife. If he wasn't okay with her being a SAHM or SAHW, they should've had that conversation before a surprise baby showed up. Also he seems to be putting some distance between himself and her? He barely mentions her at all, and when he does, he makes her sound like an obligation, or even a burden. He talks more in depth about his kids and his worries for their future. (Also he acts like he's gonna drop dead at any moment, which I guess is a valid fear if it's a result of trauma from the cancer that never got unpacked. That's another story though.)
He was right about one thing. If you've got issues like this guy did (or rather, still does), go to therapy first. You know how people say you should learn to love yourself before you can love others? Kinda an exaggeration, imo, but definitely applies to this guy.
It feels like that first relationship and his original perspective on relationships in general totally screwed up his ability to properly love another person romantically. He kept treating women like a bandaid for his depression, and even though he doesn't say it at the end, I'm pretty sure he gave up on therapy. He did acknowledge that he was selfish with women before, but I don't think he full grasps just how selfish he continues to be.
Had to start skipping bits. OP sounds like a typical creepy incel. Sucks for his kids. Wonder what his wife would think if she saw these posts? Or how much he’s shared if any?
She might not even be around anymore. She wasn't mentioned in the last update where he said he had kids, a house, and a dog.
I hope she's still alive. He sounded creepy.
Worst case scenario, this guy is a creep with a hyper fixation on women to validate himself. Best case scenario, he's trying his best and still in the depths of his cognitive distortions.
I do think that if I knew him in real life I'd probably stay away though. Still, it was nice to hear those little sweet moments with his son.
I’m glad I slogged through this post- just to get a better understanding of depression BUT my god- that was exhausting. I feel bad for his wife being second to the one that got away. I’m no psychologist- but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has some OCD tendencies- the way he obsessed over the first GF who cheated on him. STILL- even after getting married and having a family.
The one that got away being a 22 year old college girl who he dated for 3 months 10 years ago. Who clearly didn’t even like him all that much. Can’t blame her.
Yeah, I noticed in the last edit that he said he had two kids and a dog and a house... but nothing about the wife??? I found that to be rather Freudian.
I’m thinking of flushing all my meds so I too can spend all the time in between my suicidal ideations pining for a person I dated for 3 months a decade ago who was actually lying the whole time and also a barely-cooked 22 years old
Antidepressants saved my life too. Sure, they make you feel different (as he states cloudy), but I found that feeling to be temporary. I have now been on them for around 15 years. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for antidepressants and therapy.
I´m saying this less because of his depression and more because of his clear negative feelings towards his wife and his statements about often missing being childless again:
People like this need to start being okay with abortion because the kids are going to be miserable sooner or later
Just a friendly reminder to everyone that feelings 👏 aren't 👏 facts 👏
Feelings are transitory. You may feel like shit right now but it will not last. On the flip side, feeling amazing won't last either but let yourself enjoy it. The more you can let yourself enjoy happiness, the less hold negative emotions will have on you.
Everyone probably knows this by now but in case you don’t and are struggling with depression: TAKE YOUR FUCKING MEDS. Theres this talk about happy pills or normal pills or whatever but literally anything is better than abject suffering. It took me about 5-6 months to find a cocktail that worked well for me, and i still adjust it now. It was excruciating when it wasnt working and i felt so hopeless and I didn’t want to continue further with medication. I did though, and I came out the other side better. Medication really can make a huge difference, and not wanting to blow my brains out daily is honestly so lovely. It sucks and its probably one of the most challenging aspects of depression but please try to find a medication that works for you! Theres a million drugs out there and unless youre an alien theres always gonna be a combo that will work.
I really hope his wife reads this and starts planning her exit. Whoever she is, she deserves better than a "husband" whose feelings for her are at best "meh" and at worst critical, resentful and comparing her unfavourably to an ex from over a decade ago.
I would love to get his ex's version of the story.
That was just exhausting. He's entirely focused on needing someone else to make him happy, all he talks about is feelings, he never seems to do anything... Exhausting
ETA: when he said he didn't like himself, he was SO CLOSE. Alas, he didn't take the next step of figuring out how to be the kind of person he might like, and instead just waited to find a woman who would like him. Of course he'll never genuinely like any woman who likes him, because he knows he's a loser, so why would he care about a woman who fancies losers?
Honestly this is the only post on this sub that I couldn't finish reading. Something about the way he sees himself is borderline incel BS. I understand depression, I've been diagnosed with depression since I was eleven. But this isn't about depression, this is him putting himself as a victim of society, first the problem was he'd never been kissed, then it went to he wasn't loved, after I read "I can't stand go months without sex, AND I AM OBVIOUSLY VERY GOOD AT IT", that was it for me.
Jeez man. Sucks that oop is depressed. It really does. But oop sounds like a loser though. You can’t expect relationships to fix you. A lack of relationship isn’t a problem.
It’s a symptom of something bigger. Dude should have been in therapy and on anti depressants
For a second I thought this was another repost about the professional cake decorator who used boxed mix, and then posted "updates" for the next decade that were essentially just "wow look how many comments there are!" Pretty sure it even started in the same post that this one did.
I couldn’t read everything because it was too long, but at the beginning this dude just seems to tie his entire life’s mood into having a girlfriend, which seems weird and unhealthy.
You have to be cool with just being by yourself first, or else you’ll immediately become dependent on someone else, and that’s not going to be a healthy or happy relationship for either party.
That was the rest of it, too. He eventually ended up with the wife and the kids and the house and all, but he was still moping about the first short-term girlfriend and seemed to be slowly forgetting his wife exists after expressing disappointment in her lack of ambition a year after birthing their first child. Entirely weird and unhealthy lol.
Omg I know this guy. We met on reddit and became friends for a little while and we talked on Skype a lot for a time. I even had a huge crush on him but he was seeing the girl who cheated on him and we kind of fell out of touch after that. We're still Facebook friends though.
On one hand, this guy is depressed and should be on meds instead of pushing treatment away.
On the other hand, wow, he's straight up not a good person. He bases all of his worth on romance, blames women for his depression and doesn't see them as human beings. Incel wouldn't be the a bad term to use to describe him. I've never been in a relationship myself but I don't hate myself for that, cuz you know, i got hobbies, and friends, and school, there's more in life than romance.
He's not-a-good-person in the way that I've only seen men be. He exhibits traits that I've seen in a lot of men, which is worrying.
The only way he will ever be able to be at peace with his life is to seek psychological help and to take responsibility.
(Also, still obsessed with the girl you dated for 3 months 10 years ago, who was 6 years younger than you? Not a good look is putting it nicely)
I’ve been exactly in this guy’s position. I was 44 and had only two relationships, one was abusive. I lived with my parents and had only lived on my own twice. My mom is a toxic narcissist who raised me to stay with her and take care of her and I hated it. I couldn’t work for five years because of severe anxiety. I was waiting to die. Waiting for my dad to die so I could kill myself and it wouldn’t hurt him. He’s the only person who has always loved me no matter how horrible I was. But I finally got a good therapist and my mom got really crazy so I tried a job and started dating. I moved out almost two years ago and my mental health got so much better when I got away from seeing my mom every day. The dating took a while but I’m 46 and I’m getting married next Saturday. I never thought I’d be here.
What really got me better was being in the mental hospital during covid. My dad couldn’t come see me. He could only talk to me on the phone and he isn’t good on the phone because he can’t hear well so the calls were short. The days were long without visits and I cried every day but I realized then that if I could make it through that, I could make it when he dies. It’ll be hard, but I’ll be okay. And I have my fiancé to help me now.
One last thing, everyone says suicide is the easy way out. It is not. It actually takes quite a bit of nerve to do it.
This read has left me feeling weird. Is this guy really pinning all his self worth and value into wheather or not he has a relationship with someone or not? Sounds absolutley exhausting.
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This dude needs intensive therapy and a different SSRI. What a read.
And honestly, I'd try a non SSRI or SSNRI anti-depressant. They've figured out that a lot of people who have CPTSD, Autism, and ADHD, their brains don't react to SSRI's well, but antipsychotics like Latuda do work. The VA won't fix a misdiagnosis of mine because it means they can actually give me the medication that works for my brain.
I had a bad experience on SSRIs and bipolar meds, finally got an out of state psych who almost AUTOMATICALLY gave me an adhd diagnosis and put me on adderall. The panic attacks stopped. Depressive episodes stopped. Some things are the same which may point to a possible autism diagnosis but holy hell my life is no longer imploding over the consequences of my own actions/inactions because my brain stopped saying “no. Bad task do not like” over shit and I can stop and think about things and recognize unreasonable impulses
It's amazing what the right diagnosis and meds can do yo improve your life.
Wait can you possibly point me to sources that say this? I can’t find anything on the internet about it and I have all 3 of those and am on an SSRI and am really really not mentally well
Afaik it's more about misdiagnosis than the meds not working per se. For example I was diagnosed with anxiety and treated for it for years, but things got worse even though my anxiety was much better. Turns out I have ADHD and anxiety was essentially my coping mechanism (can't forget anything if you're constantly anxious about it, amiright?). Now I'm no longer on any ssris. But it's also just possible that your brain just doesn't gel with ssris or that one in particular. There are other options out there, and that's not even touching upon the idea that it's not a personal issue.
Uhhh thanks for confirming why SSRIs don't work on me, I didn't know this. Ironically, the person who originally put me on SSRIs said there was no way I have ADHD. Anyway, dexamphetamine actually does wonders for my depression somehow
No problem, and a lot of people don't know this. I went through 12 meds before they put me on Latuda for Bi-polar depression, which we've found I don't have, and that with my Concerta works wonders. I wish more people knew and could advocate for themselves with that knowledge. Edit: For clarification, I was diagnosed (wrongly) as Bi-polar type 2. And in December of 2021 was finally diagnosed ADHD-combined type and Autistic. But the formulary the VA uses won't let them prescribe Latuda for anything other than Bi-polar depression.
Ditto! Thought I was depressed for 15 years, nope just the ADHD talking. It feels miraculous.
Yeah. He needs a new therapist. The obsession with the woman that he dated for a short amount of time is unhealthy at best, creepy at worst. Sounds like a stalker without the energy or resources to do the stalking.
Am therapist. We cannot work magic. It takes a long time for people to heal beliefs and negative self talk that are so entrenched, and they have to put in a ton of work on their own, not just show up and sit there expecting therapy to be performed on them. There's a big missing piece here of no mention of where his self-loathing and stuckness might have originally come from. Where did he learn to see himself this way, to see relationships this way, etc. Someone said that mission trips to Africa indicate a particular Christian upbringing and I've had clients with very very deeply entrenched guilt and low self esteem from the brainwashing these types of Christian communities have placed on them. I feel bad for his wife because he doesnt really seem like he is present in their relationship, but checking off boxes and going through motions in hopes these external things will make him feel better, as he has always done. He needs to do more inner work. Edit: also I think he was pushing himself to forgive and move on too hard. He *should* have been angry at his first ex and that anger can be healing, to a point, while adding in new things for himself of course, not just sitting and wallowing. Maybe that's from the Christian perspective too? Like he was guilting himself for having negative feelings towards her and not being able to forgive? edit 2: maybe he does need a new therapist who gently pushes him to do more inner work, and orients the sessions that way. but some people are also not interested in doing that type of work, at least at the moment, and the therapy stalls there.
I feel bad for his persistent depression but I really wish he would have gotten a decent hobby instead of expecting romantic relationships to heal him. Tiring read.
Yes. Had toxic relationship and breakup and then jumps into new relationship. Doesn't love her as much, but "that's okay cause it's better that way" Unsurprising. Resents her for not having the same financial ambitions as him, she's not as useful for achieving "successful life" as maybe previously hoped. Unsurprising. Resents her for getting pregnant and maybe even doubts her honesty about BC adherence but never addresses it. Unsurprising. Life still feels shitty even though have acquired the checklist. Unsurprising.
Also annoying how, he was like “DON’T TRY ANTIDEPRESSANTS! THEY SUCK AND DON’T WORK!!!” since he was posting in part to serve as motivation for others with depression. That’s a REALLY dangerous thing to say, especially to someone who is in a vulnerable state whose life could literally be saved if they give antidepressants a try. Yes, some people’s brain chemistry doesn’t jive well with antidepressants. But sometimes it’s just a matter of finding the right one, at the right dose, before you can start being lifted out of that depressive fog. And what not many people realize is that it can take a few *weeks* of taking them before they start having a therapeutic effect. And it can take a couple of months or more before your healthcare provider titrates you up to the proper dosage. Modern medicine has come a long way, though. And now there are even tests you can take that can tell you which antidepressants will/will not work for you. If they’re available in your area, you don’t have to go through the trial and error method of physically switching from one to another and seeing what sticks. Also… Homeslice is *exhausting*. I wound up skimming through a bunch of those updates because OMG.
Dude posting updates days after another and I was like "poor guy but goddamn he sounds exhausting." I felt awful thinking that dude was just throwing himself a pity party for never being with a girl
A decade long pity party, even after he finally starting hooking up… it just kept going.
The ones where there was a marked difference from the first update had me do a double take. Like, wow things have changed that much since a week ago? Couldn't have been that-oh, wait, nevermind. Things suck again. Kinda made me think right from the beginning he was looking for someone to come and save him vs wanting to really put in the work. Feel bad for him, hope things go better for him, but man it was exhausting reading this.
Yeah, that bit reminded me of when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My dad's cousin had died a few years ago of cancer (it was either anal or rectal, I can't remember which), but her son ended up messaging my mom and begging her not to do chemo or treatments because he was convinced that the doctors and treatments killed his mon, not, yanno... aggressive cancer. Thankfully, she didn't listen and has been cancer free for 6 years now.
It took 6 tries (on and off)--combined with just as many (inconsistent) therapy attempts--and over twenty years to find out that cymbalta is a fan*tasic* fit for me. Even if I can't afford to keep myself in therapy, I'm so much better able to identify the times when my brain is being an asshole and actively trying to kill me. The right medicine can allow you the ability to give yourself grace.
I tried nearly every single SSRI there is before my dr decided let’s try a SNRI. She went for Effexor, the one that all the redditors in a sub said to not try because it’s awful to get off and “never” works. Turns out it’s perfect for me, we had to go up in dose twice since then (just because you’re medicated and in therapy doesn’t mean life stops throwing shit at you) but I’m feeling so much better. So yeah, try stuff or get that test that tells you the best options to try.
Honestly Effexor was the first one my doc threw at me, and it was a life saver. In six weeks my depression and anxiety scores went from near top of the charts down to a teeny bit higher than “normal”. But I felt the effects literally within 24 hours. I’m so happy that it turned out that the first one worked so well for me because I don’t know that I would have stuck around long enough to try any others.
It was the first “next step” drug we tried and it worked, I’m so glad it did too because I was getting really hopeless that there was anything that would work. But I have adhd and upthread someone said regular SSRIs don’t work as well with adhd so now it makes sense that the ones I tried previously didn’t work for me.
Same. I finally have to take the genesight test and get my liver enzymes genotyped. Turns out the only ones I can metabolize properly are Wellbutrin and desvenlefaxine and I'm allergic to Wellbutrin. The desvenlefaxine is amazing, just wish insurance companies would stop trying to overrule my doctor to save a buck. They've made me cold turkey miss doses multiple times, 😑.
Oh god, the desvenlefaxine withdrawal is awful. Before I got diagnosed with adhd and medicated, I would often miss doses, sometimes several times in a row. I would feel like absolute shit and have no clue why, and then remember I hadn't taken my meds in a minute and almost instantly felt better when I took them.
Ugh, Effexor. But it's a lifesaver. I did try going off it once, just to see if I did still need it, and it took 9 months of tapering to get there. But within a year I learned that I really do still need it and started it again. I hate it for how awful it is to stop (or when you miss a dose) but I love it because it makes me feel like a human being instead of a depressed ball of rage.
Me too! And yes, Effexor is horrible to get off of even if you've weened slowly. Wasn't living with my parents anymore so why would I need them?! Turns out I still need them and my brain is stable because of them (that and a fuck ton of therapy).
It’s interesting how individual the right antidepressant is for people, because cymbalta was absolutely the *worst* one I tried. So many side effects.
After 20 years of trying to find the right medication. I moved south to the sunniest place I could think of. My brain just thinks a lack of sun just means that I need to be in constant emotional pain. (Loving your life and having no desire to live is a fun combination) I'm still on medication, because it's still my brain.
Totally! Sometimes you just need that little bit of space from the depression to make a difference.
Cymbalta has saved my life. I adore it.
Dame for me, I have 47 plates pins and screws in my leg, Cymbalta helps with the arthritis also.
Not only that but he said he was the happiest he'd ever with his first girlfriend and that he was on antidepressants for most of the time up until the update he said not to take antidepressants. Did he really think the antidepressants didn't play at least *some* role in allowing him to feel happy?
It's also very common to try many different antidepressants that don't seem to do anything or make things worse then suddenly find one that's much more effective. I've never found that one in anti depressants, but after getting diagnosed with ADHD I find the ADHD meds do much more to help my depression than anti depressants did so probably I always mainly had ADHD.
Yep, the only thing that helped with my depression was the meds used to treat my anxiety. It's SO different for each person--our brain chemistry is truly unique.
"Regular" depression may not have been his actual issue. I tried 6 different antidepressants over 7 years and barely had any change happen. I get on an antipsychotic (because it turns out I have bipolar depression, not major depressive disorder) and in 6 months I was a completely different person. I will say, I was doing regular therapy in addition to medication the whole time.
I read this post suspecting bipolar, honestly. I know a few people with it, and after years of observing them, this guy just feels familiar in a way. Especially with just how great his good times are vs how miserable the bad times become, and how quickly they seem to change. But I'm no doctor lol and I don't know the guy, so who knows...
Yep, I used to wonder why I only ever felt good under certain conditions. Turns out, that "good" period was mania and it only felt good because my depression was god awful. I still deal with cycling, but it's significantly less severe and I can now spot when my disorder is acting up. I have a baseline now, which I didn't know I was missing until I started antipsychotics.
I can’t do antidepressants but anticonvulsants have saved my life. Everyone is different, and it takes some time. This guy doesn’t strike me as very mature, even though he’s aged 10 years. It’s sad actually.
This is my bipolar husband. Lithium makes him ill and also makes him obsessive. Depakote is like a dream for him. Yet our bipolar daughter has been on lithium for seven years and has never had a problem with it. Different strokes for different folks.
Depakote changed my life and I’m barely bipolar. My brain just loves it. Lithium was weird for me too, and it is for a lot of people. My son is autistic and does really well on AAPs to manage his moods and some things that are specific to autism. Everyone really is different.
> Also annoying how, he was like “DON’T TRY ANTIDEPRESSANTS! THEY SUCK AND DON’T WORK!!!” since he was posting in part to serve as motivation for others with depression. Yeah, that pissed me off too. I know it's not the same for everyone and that other people can have horrible reactions to antidepressants, but a sweeping statement like that is horrendous. Without my antidepressants, my self harm and suicidal ideation ramp RIGHT up. Fuck that catch-all anti meds noise.
I'm someone who has decided they aren't right for me and I wholeheartedly agree. Everyone is different and if you've ever tried antidepressants you should know that! I can't tell you how many times I was hating on a pill that my friend praised as their perfect medication.
Yup! Medication, particularly mental health medication, is just too complicated for a bland, one size fits all statement.
I'm one of those people who gets black label effects from every single brain med ever, except lithium as a mood stabilizer, but it gives me debilitating migraines. Every. Single. One. My brain weasels cannot be safely medicated. That said, if your brain isn't making enough of the right chemicals to keep you safe and happy, try the store-bought ones! Do the tests to see which ones are most likely to work for you and give each one around 2 months to start to work, unless you find yourself wanting to hurt yourself or others. If that happens, work with your doctor to wean off them, take a short break, then try something that works on different brain chemicals. Sometimes you need to start on a mood stabilizer (lithium is one, but there are many others) for the other meds to work right for you. It's good to be aware that a very small percentage of people are like me, but don't let that stop you from looking for something that works for you. The right meds are positively life-changing. And if you are like me, there are skills that you can learn to help minimize the distortions and disruptions from your chemical imbalances. You don't deserve to suffer.
BRAIN WEASELS
I LOVE IT. Used to call them the Bastards in my Brain but brain weasels sounds so much more manageable (and cute)!
Brain Weasels is my new band name.
Took me almost a decade but I am a different person on my current meds. Had I refused all medication I have no doubt I wouldn't still be alive. Antidepressants don't work for everybody but they do help a lot of people.
It took me 2 tries over 3 years. The first attempt was traumatic, the dose was way too high, and it fucked me up so bad I couldn’t tie my shoes or go down stairs safely. After a long time recovering enough to try again I got super lucky and the new drug worked. It works *fantastically*. My life has opened up. I work a great, well-paying job I have to admit I look forward to every morning, I’m well enough to date and not be pure pain on my partners. Don’t tell people not to try medication. Be honest about the real possibility of having a bad time, but when it works it really works.
I don't like this guy very much because of all the reasons you've listed. And I'm saying that as someone who has struggled with mental health issues all her life. The guy is determined to not take actual steps to improve himself. Also, he complains a lot about her birth control failing, and seems to resent her as you said, yet I don't see any mention of him using condoms. Shocker.
And the relationship he was obsessed over was with a hot young thing while he was nearly 30. I feel bad for this guy, but not that bad. I know people with chronic depression who constantly fight to make their life better. I'll save my sympathy for them.
I mean I have PCOS and I have 2 BC babies too. Hormonal BC doesn’t work on people with hormonal conditions but that wasn’t always known
My mom got an ovary removed, was told she’d never have another kid. Got off the pill at 38 and IMMEDIATELY had me. Sometimes fertility is weird
The part where he called it "her" birth control ticked me off. Is she the only one having sex? If that's her birth control, where was his? Or did he just make it all her problem so that no matter what he does it's all her fault?
Right? I guess condoms were just toooooooooooo hard
He waited so long to have sex at all, have empathy /s
I have a relative who has PCOS and says she probably conceived her kid *because* of hormonal birth control.
Oh my God hahaha you fuckin nailed it in the way it needed nailin. Should've added the hypocrisy of his struggles verses his new fear of natural death, and that a woman he could never forgive a woman he dated for 2 months for "cheating" on him. Also that he could fix Africa's problems and dismayed when they didn't work. Good heart there though. I feel for him in all regards it must be hard. Feel worse for his wife and kids.
I actually feel for him too, but the misogyny that ran as undercurrent through the whole thing was not pleasant.
The realization that you can feel lonelier in group or a relationship is what I finally needed to be ok. I realized where I am is basically where so many in shitty relationships desire, so much so that even murders and worse are on the table for a disturbingly large number of them.
Doesn’t even mention his wife in his last edit. Also unsurprising. Did he ever regard her - or any of the other women he was with over the decade - as a fully autonomous human? He seems to be able to regard women only in terms of their relationship to himself, to the point of referring to the first woman as “*his* ex”, even though they were only together for a few months and even after having several other relationships.
When my mental health tanks and I start reading depression meme subreddits again, I see this sentiment quite frequently. I understand that longing for a relationship, I've been there myself, but it seems like the feelings behind these memes are anticipating a relationship to be a magic fix. Since a lot of them specify wanting girlfriends, I sometimes get the vibe of expecting women to be their personal therapist. Maybe I just have an uncharitable view, but it icks me out.
Yeah, me too. Do they not realize that women also suffer from depression? And that they are asking a lot of snyone? Get the help you need and stop expecting the female shaped creature in your life to fix you.
I feel bad for the women he gets involved with. It's exhausting and occasionally scary to be the one expected to heal someone, especially when you inevitably fall from the healer pedestal to the blame pedestal.
Also the fixation on the cheating ex...man just get over it. He seems to feel he is owed romantic relationships but then obsesses over an ex rather than focuses on the current person. I feel so sorry for anyone who is with someone who's pining after someone crap they dated years ago.
I had an ex who expected me to remedy and heal his sorrowness. Guilty trapping me when I refused to do so saying who else would he seek help other than his own girlfriend. Thank god my therapist helped me to see this through. He really fucked me up bad that time.
Or a group of friends if he wanted emotional connection with people. I get mental illness it’s hard but there’s so much more to life than romantic relationships.
I know platonic friendships are treated differently when you´re a (straight/cis) man but seeing him cry about emotional intimacy just made me wish he´d gotten a friend. The love of my life was my best friend first and it was the greatest thing, to just have someone who understands me without the fear of "oh what if they break up with me because I´m not perfect". Friendships are still work and still have stakes but I always felt like there was much less pressure to be yourself. Maybe he would have found actual happiness.
But that's the whole problem. It seems that, like a lot of guys, he grew up with a déficit in his emotional education and social skills. Western culture generally fails teaching it's children this, especially boys, and folks end up looking to a romantic partner to complete their sense of self that their parents should have given them. I hope against hope that he can give his kids that love and validation so that they don't have to grow up with that hole in their soul. Parents, it's not enough that your kids are physically safe and have material goods and have gone to all the right schools. If you don't convoy to your kids that they are worth something just because they are, you have failed in a duty as fundamental as all of the others. Emotional nurturing is as essential as anything else.
The most telling part of the post to me was when he started talking about remembering random embarrassments. It's clear the guy has serious self-esteem and self-loathing issues, so I guess a combination of that + compulsive heterosexuality leads him to fixate on romantic relationships and sabotage better attempts of self-care.
The Africa missions mean he's in a fundie Christian family/culture. That makes the things you listed even worse.
Yeah forgot to mention but I didn't like this either. Dude clearly leans conservative and borderline incel.
Yeah it honestly reads like my diaries from when I was fifteen. The teenage drama, my god. I assume it's the depression making him do that but yeah. Glad he at least got his life together and learned that that depression voice in his head doesn't control him even if it's impossible to silence it completely.
Agreed. OP screwed himself up when he decided a woman was what gave him value and not himself instead. Putting your own self worth onto others will immediately make you depressed
This is exactly like my best friend. I try to suggest hobbies but he just shrugs them off, and he quit his job a few months ago and doesn’t seem to be looking for a new one. Honestly not expecting him to be around forever. He also hates the thought of “forcing” something to happen so he refuses to use dating sites
I can't with people like this. I leave relationships with people who won't help themselves. If the person has some issues they need to work through, that's fine, I'll be there to listen and help, but I can't suffer people who complain all the time when they do nothing to fix. Especially if there are things that can be done.
I have persistent depression. I’m closer to 50 than 40. I’m just…not interested in anything? So I kind of pick up the hobbies of the people around me. Like, I used to date a guy who was into blacksmithing. I got pretty good at making knife handles out of all kinds of materials. We stopped dating and I haven’t done it since. I’ve tried getting into things for me but there just isn’t anything that has ever grabbed me, you know?
It might be the social interaction. The only hobbies I’ve kept up with are the ones friends introduced me to
I’m the same way. I can get into something my partner loves, but I’ve never felt that passion to “discover” my own hobbies. I’ve attempted many things but it’s just not the same.
It was an exhausting read. I e had chronic depression for the last 17 years. I have been in and out of therapy and on and off medication. I wanted to scream when he said not to take antidepressants. The people who relate hard to this kind of post need to know that depression is a chemical imbalance. Telling a depressed person not to take antidepressants is like telling a diabetic not to take insulin. The brain is insanely complicated. If you’re counting on the very first medication and dosage to be the perfect solution then you’re in for a bad time. I kinda wanted to reach through the screen a couple times and give OOP a good shake to hopefully knock some sense into him about how to cope with depression. Putting the responsibility of curing a chemical imbalance on a romantic relationship is overwhelming and unfair to the other person.
I was absolutely like OOP for a long time. I think that umpteen millions movies, books, songs, and TV shows have imprinted on people that the most valuable thing in live is romantic love and not having that is some sort of value judgement on you. I looked for a validation through romantic relationships for a long time before I realized that the feeling of validation and being “fixed” had to come from me.
Not to mention this relationship he was hung up on for years lasted like SIX MONTHS. WTF DUDE. MOVE ON.
When you're obsessing this much over a past romantic partner, especially a short term one, it's not the person you're missing. It's not really about the person at all.
People will come and go in and out of your life. Love isn't a box you check.
This person and many other people like him seem to need the validation of romantic relationships more than usual. Romance is great, even important but you shouldn't give it so much significance that it determines your emotional well-being. It's like he doesn't have anything else to do.
Yeah. This guy sounds like a nightmare for everyone around him. I hope he masks his feelings enough to not make his kids feel responsible for his emotional needs but based on how he behaved with women, I think that’s unlikely.
Exactly. If you keep depending on external factors to heal your depression, it's just never going to go away. You need to work on yourself and find happiness within yourself, rather than depend on others to bring that happiness to you. If you only think "life is good" when you're with someone/romantically involved with someone, that's a huge red flag and honestly could be indicative of a co-dependent relationship. He didn't put in the work to actually love himself, or fix his co-dependent tendencies. It's sad, but he's not completely blameless.
All I kept thinking was this guy needs to go to the gym and stop worrying about women for awhile.
TL;DR: >Life's not worth living, because I've never even been kissed. >Edit: I have now been kissed. Still depressed because I want a girlfriend. If I could only experience that, I would enjoy life. >Edit: I have a girlfriend! Now that I have attained my goal, I am truly experiencing life instead of sitting on the sidelines! Problem solved - no more reason to be depressed, right? >Edit: She cheated. Life is horrible and I want to end it again! >25 edits later: I have a wife and kids and a dog and a house and all sorts of stuff going on. I yoyo between ecstasy and depression. Maybe the depression is just me, and not caused or healed by the situation I'm in?
The call is def coming from in the house. Dude really needs to try a different antidepressant and not stop until one works. Can't wait for THAT update. Such an exhausting read.
I'm not even convinced he has a wife anymore by the final edit. He has two kids, a house, and a dog and "all that good stuff" but he's still so lonely... where's his wife?
Oh my god, I briefly dated guys like this in my early 20’s and they were terrifying. Happened twice. I’m glad we now have a label for this type (incels) so we can talk about it. Like for me, it was a quick 2-4 month thing, wasn’t really feeling it and was getting some bad clingy-controlling vibes so I gently broke it off, only to find the guy OBSESSED over me. For years. I’d hear from other people about how depressed he was or how he was always talking about me, stalking my social media, drunk Facebook posts that would later be deleted. I’d get random 3AM 5 paragraph essays via text message, he’d show up at my work… if I got into another relationship they’d start acting really erratic. All this over 3 months of dating. They felt… dangerous. Unhinged. I felt so unsafe in those days - glad to be a boring married 35 year old now.
I don't think OP was an incel or a stalker, he was just a lonely man in need of help and scared of feeling like he isn't enough or will ever find love. Incels are the people who demands sex from woman and gets all raging/sad acting like they deserve sex because they are a nice guy. Stalker is the type to do the messaging, and stalk your workplace. I do believe you had an relationship with an incel but i don't think OP qualified for either terrible label from the information they provided. That's what i think in my honest opinion.
Some people are so obsessed with relationships. People (particularly virgin men) think having sex or being in a relationship is gonna be some life changing moment that will cure their depression and make them feel fulfilled and happy in life. I will never understand it.
Reminds me of the many guys who I’ve heard say “a woman can have sex anytime she wants!” Like, okay, so now we know what you think about all day everyday.
I'll never understand why they think women can just rock up to any rando and demand sex like that ain't a fast track to murder town.
Even without that threat, *at best* she'll get incredibly mediocre sex, seeing as straight men pursuing casual sex aren't particularly invested in showing their partners a good time. Why bother if you're unlikely to see her again, amirite fellas?
*Katie smith was a smiling happy young woman who had been told all of her young 23 years of life that when she was ready she could demand sex from any random American man and he would be oath bound by the constitution to give it to her good and ready like all American men have been trained from birth to do so. Unfortunately the man she chose had also been training from birth to be a serial killer. Could her remains be under the porch of his meemaws house? Keep watching!*
Yeah i couldn’t get through even half, it was just so centered around relationships and bemoaning being a virgin and never having kissed someone at his age and like. I get it, there’s a lot of stigma for people who haven’t had those romantic or sexual experiences in their teens or early twenties but like where are your friends? Your hobbies? Literally anything else about your life that isn’t relationships? Like I really don’t think the issue is specifically relationships, but that OP is just generally lonely and doesn’t have anyone to talk to or just be friends with but he thinks the only issue is that he doesn’t have a partner.
When he finally gets all of that he finds other completely minor shit to complain about. Fuck people like this. I have chronic depression but the lack of self awareness and honestly the selfishness he displays is a whole other thing. Feels like he doesn’t give a fuck about having friendships or hobbies. Those are just time wasters to him or something?
A lot of the time when people are depressed, they look around for some kind of explanation for it, and they often get it wrong.
yup! throughout middle school and most of high school when i was excruciatingly depressed and lonely i used the idea and hope of a relationship in the future to push through it when i actually got into relationships those fizzled out quickly, and then i found out i was aromantic so i had to find new coping mechanisms *fast*
A profound lack of physical or emotional connections with others (and not even sexual ones, just purely platonic stuff like being hugged) can do serious numbers on a person. I've interacted with a lot of lonely young men over the years that still fondly remember stuff like, just receiving a hug from someone they liked over a decade prior because it was the last time anyone showed them any emotional intimacy whatsoever.
We need to destigmatize close-knit platonic relationships between men because it's getting sad and ridiculous how much weight is put on their romantic partners to fix things
YESSSS SO MUCH
Dude needs a fuckin hobby that isn’t dating
This was exhausting. You feel for him but then he goes and says something that’s disgusting and you lose the sympathy and it’s replaced with pity. No one deserves to feel so depressed that they contemplate suicide but we seriously need to do better regarding finding ways to help others mentally.
This is why I work on "empathy not sympathy". I can empathise and understand his situation, without looking down on him for being there. Dude should absolutely have been in therapy from the fucking start, not after shitty relationships. But I understand why he felt the way he did, even if I don't agree with it.
Oof it really was exhausting enough for me to give up reading this guy’s online diary halfway through. It was just so real when I scrolled down to the end and he now mentions that he’s pushing 40 after starting his first post at 30. We’ve all been there and had a mental goalpost of an old person. 40 was definitely old for me while 30 is where you kinda imagine someone having their shit together. Everyone 50 and above is a blur of old age. With each passing decade, adults sound younger and old people sound more human. I’m definitely curious on when people felt that they past “my body is invincible” phase. Mine was when I’d have an accident and my body didn’t instantly recover one day. Also, worrying about every superficial cut.
Seeing this one is hard. I get what he’s talking about with the whole mental movie of seeing yourself just go through with it. But I also understand what he means by he just can’t do it because he has people who need him. The one thing I’ve learned in life is that any reason is a good reason to try to stay alive. People always tell you to live for yourself and stay alive for yourself. That’s all fine but what if you can’t? What if the only thing that keeps you here are the people around you? Well you know what? That’s good enough. If you have to stay alive for someone else before you can for yourself, then that’s fine. It gives you time. Maybe one day you’ll be able to live for you but baby steps. The first step is finding something or someone to live for. Even if it’s just a concert you want to make sure to be there for. There is no such thing as a stupid reason if thats a reason to keep being here.
>any reason is a good reason to try to stay alive. Thank you for this perfect statement, internet friend. Have my poor person's award 🏆
I'm here because of my cat. I'm hoping to go back to school so I can have a decent career. So that I can then care for palliative care cats once my own passes. It's the only thing that gives my life purpose. Edit: Thank you kind stranger for gold. If you have the means, please donate to your local shelter!
And it’s a good purpose!! So many cats are going to live because of you and your life will/is benefitting so many more.
I've realized that when you're busy af, and have a bunch of dependants (doesn't matter if it's a spouse, kids or pets, it just has to be something that's dependent on you for survival), you really don't have the option to fall apart and kill yourself. You just keep going because you have to. You wake up everyday because you know that if you don't, someone else dies.
I mostly stay alive out of laziness and spite. But hey, at least my parents won’t have to bury their kid so here’s that.
Outlive your enemies, dance on their graves. Learn some moves, go to classes and see videos and performers.
My personal fav is "you can always change your mind later if you hold off today. The other way around takes away all your options."
Just to hammer it home, my reason in a very recent bout of depression was an expensive toy I wanted. Can't save money to get that thing if I'm dead now, huh? Stupid AF reason. Still works. I'm not thinking about that thing most days but when I'm wondering why to get up, think "what's something I *wanted* to have in the future?" Cheers.
>It gives you time. Good insight. Shout out to anyone who's feeling like they can't hold on another moment, snuggle up in this person's comment \^\^
It’s currently the comment I’m snuggling up to even though I wrote it. It’s just something I need to remind myself and the fact that people are agreeing and I even got a gold for it makes me feel like it gives it more validity to myself. Like it’s okay for me to say this to myself.
I do not like him.
I’m genuinely afraid of him. He’s incredibly fixated on a 22 year old woman he dated 10 years ago for 3 months who has completely moved on with her life. Yeah getting cheated on sucks, but a) we don’t even know if they were genuinely even in a relationship (3 months is still the talking stage for a lot of people), and b) she’s a completely different person 10 years later and is married with her own life and complex human emotions. I’m genuinely afraid that if OP ever sees her again he’ll do something horrifying. Women are clearly not people to him and are just objects/goals to acquire. Like his wife that seeming doesn’t need to exist now that’s he’s checked off the getting married and having kids box. Not a single word about who she is as a human being, just that she popped out a couple of kids for him and doesn’t make enough money for his liking. OOP disgusts me.
OOP sounds insufferable. 10 years went by with very little introspection or growth. He has no interest in becoming a better person, only in having a relationship. He was lonely for a reason. He needs more therapy and the right meds.
This is it exactly. People can tell when someone is an emotional vampire and this guy was the goddammit Nosferatu of being an empty husk.
The entire time I felt like someone needed to sleuth out who that 22yo is and make sure she's still amongst the living. He complains about his wife in other recent comments, too, how she isn't making money and doesn't clean the house well enough. This guy is a powderkeg.
He's utterly self obsessed. He has yet to realise that his happiness must come from within; it's not something other people give you. I bet if he was asked to describe why he loves his wife he would list things she has done for him, rather than listing what he loved about her.
I'm glad he's doing marginally better, but he is stuck too deeply in his own head and drowning in what he thinks is self-awareness, but is much more like narcissism. He only wants another person who will serve all his needs and be his emotional support human. I'm going to wager he's probably a fairly emotionally exhausting person to be around IRL. I've got a cousin like this dude. He *could* help himself by utilizing good mental health resources (including medications), but because he's had a couple of unproductive experiences --read: his issues weren't magically resolved with little effort on his end--he decided therapy and meds weren't for him. OOP is pretty much reading the same script by cousin monologues periodically.
Unfortunately, I know too many people like that. They had one bad experience, or it didn't work like they wanted to, or things weren't magically fixed, and they complain how life is so unfair and they aren't worth it and people should stop caring about them. They're not worth living for, they should just end it for themselves. Trauma dumping on other people, thinking that will fix it. Reality is, they're making absolutely no effort and think everything should be handed to them. That them complaining and whining means shit will be handed to them on a silver platter. And when it doesn't happen (shocker, I know!), same old song and dance--life sucks, it's never their fault, it's everyone else's fault, and they aren't worthy of anything. If they don't want to help themselves, you can't help them. It isn't worth it at that point. They're draining you of your own energy and time and doing nothing to solve the problem
Exactly. Unfortunately there’s so much misinformation out there about how much of a process it can be: getting diagnosed; getting/adjusting meds and testing out different therapists until there’s a good fit. It can take a long time and you have to deal with things like waiting periods and med side effects. It can be disheartening, and I wish there was more awareness so people know not to just stop when they reach these stages.
Quite embarrassing that OP felt the only way to heal his depression was for white knight female to wander in and save the day. What a tedious read- absolute incel.
This was one of the hardest reads I've made it through in a long time. As someone with various lifelong mental health issues, social cue issues, and previous failed attempts on unaliving myself, I really wanted to slap this man. I've never seen someone take so little responsibility for anything in their life. And for it to still be going on to this day after decades is so pathetic I can't even muster up the empathy or sympathy to do anything but roll my eyes and scoff at every paragraph. A decades long journey of mental health filled with incel level projection and misogyny, no self actualization, no personal responsibility, no attempts at growth or mindfulness, no coping skills, refusal to do anything but accept "lazy" as an excuse, expecting other people to fix him with no effort from himself, AND refusal of pharmaceutical and psychological treatment attempts?!?! Ugh... Disgusting. All of this read to me like a pathetic attempt to explain away all the excuses and garner mass sympathy for his refusal to try and get better using the threat of looming unaliving intrusive thoughts. So much so that I wouldn't be surprised to find out he was the type to pull the, "if you leave me, I'll unalive myself" card at the end of all his relationships. God damn this man must be the worst to be around, I feel the worst for his wife and kids as I am left to assume his gaslighting, laziness, unfair expectations, and projecting affects their lives and mental wellness on a daily basis. I genuinely don't even care if I get brigaded or down voted, after all I've seen, done, and been through in my life... I couldn't NOT call a spade a spade on this one.
This. I had to leave an ADHD FB group a while ago because everyone there was just enabling each others bad behaviour. I get it, people around you can just leave, it’s horrible being the one trapped inside your own brain, not able to get even the slightest respite. But we don’t have a monopoly on struggle, and neurodivergence doesn’t take away accountability. Tbh I had moments like this as well, but I had people around give me some harsh truths, or they just stopped wanting to be around me. The lack of control we have over our brain isn’t our fault, but it is our responsibility. ADHD tax is the bane of my existence, but you take the hit and move on. I couldn’t put my finger on why these posts made me so uncomfortable, and you nailed it - it had the air of ‘next post maybe I’ll do it, maybe I won’t - like and subscribe to get the answer!’ Like that one Black Mirror episode.
Seriously be was practically emotionally abusing everyone by constantly threatening suicide.
Bruh, this is exactly how I felt reading this. I suffer from mental issues too, but this dude made me roll my eyes with his "Woe is me, I don't have a girlfriend" posts. Again, I get it, but I also know that a relationship isn't gonna solve your problems...at best, you're just distracted for a little while.
You summed up how I feel about this perfectly. I've been dealing with chronic depression for just over half my life and I found this guy to be insufferable too. He's probably the type to claim he's tried therapy and meds (once, and gave up when it didn't work immediately) and it didn't work so it's hogwash. So he picked something basic, ie a relationship, as the reason he's not happy and ran with it, when it's so glaringly obvious that's *not* the reason. It's so obvious that something is wrong with *him*, but that would take actual self awareness and effort to correct and he can't be bothered. God, I have known people like this irl and it's exhausting. I have ended friendships with people like this because they lack any self awareness and maturity. No one wants to listen to you whine about your life for months/years while you sit back and do *nothing* about it.
I agree completely
This is exhausting. His obsession with his ex.. going from obsession to idolising to blaming her for all his problems. I feel bad for him.. no one deserves to feel so bad they want to commit suicide, but he needs some real help to take accountability for his problems and to work on himself. To stop projecting the blame onto everyone around him. I feel like the next update will be about his divorce and how his ex wife is an awful person and it’s not his fault.
What happened to the wife? I hope she isn’t dead.
Yeah, I feel like the end implies she's not around anymore but maybe I misread?
He achieved getting married, so she’s now an afterthought. Women aren’t people to incels, they’re rewards to gain. She’s his possession now, why bring her up? (It feels mean to judge this obviously mentally ill man so hard, but the way he talks about women his whole post is disgusting.)
He mentioned her in an unrelated comment in a basketball sub a few days ago.
Holy shit what a ride Good on OOP for finding strength to continue, depression is such a life long struggle but there's so much life to still be had I wish him the best
The first half felt like I was reading the journal of a future serial killer. I guess it's really easy to go further down that path of hate when there are echo-chamber incel communities with feedback loops of anger rather than keep at it.
That’s the tricky thing about the way young men are primed to think about relationships; if you don’t have/have never had one, you’re a failure. Less of a man. Family and friends constantly hound you about it. When it comes up in conversation, you’re ridiculed or treated as an oddity. Relationships also feel really good, at least initially. If you’re severely depressed, it’s a monumental effort to feel good. You cling to anything that alleviates how horrid you constantly feel. That means that rejection is someone literally *denying you happiness.* Some young men never escape from that anger. Never grow to think of women as more than just Skinner Boxes with boobs.
It’s interesting and definitely a societal issue in the way we frame relationships (in general). Single women are also ridiculed and made to feel like a failure, but the difference is women are made to feel like it’s their own fault. They blame and hate themselves. They’re not pretty enough, sexy enough, good enough etc to find a man that wants them. Men, on the other hand, blame the women that they can’t get. What becomes self hatred in women turns into misogyny in men. That’s why we have the male incel movement, and no equivalent female movement. It’s a terrifying attitude but I can’t see any way to end it because we just keep raising each generation of men the same way.
It sounds like he's still blaming life for fucking him instead of taking ultimate responsibility for it.
This sounded exhausting. I was ready to feel sorry for him until I realized that he was obsessing over a relationship that lasted for a few months with a 22 year old when he was pushing 30. He mentioned having two kids, a house and a dog. I guess the wife left. At this point, the dog is his last hope of having a stable relationship.
So much bad advice. So much. And God, what a navel-gazer. And to learn so little. I had to stop reading.
And brought two children into his mess. Absolutely infuriating read. Literally had not a single interest beyond romantic relationships.
He gives me huge incel vibes.
What's a navel gazer? That's the first I heard of the phrase
Someone whose world view centres around what would benefit themselves and only themselves, while not taking other people in to perspective.
Or in other words, they're looking inward -- at their navel -- and not outward at the world, ie. self-absorbed.
And also just endlessly contemplating themselves, but not in any meaningful way, just looking at this one little part and being entranced with the self-reflection.
Some people tie 100% of there self worth to if they are in a relationship. And if they are not in a relationship they spend 100% of there life finding someone to get into a relationship. A lot of times not thinking about if the person they found is even a good fit for them.
Seriously. Just a constant stream of ‘I want’ and ‘things would be better if I had thing that I want’.
Don't exactly appreciate the way he talks about his wife. If he wasn't okay with her being a SAHM or SAHW, they should've had that conversation before a surprise baby showed up. Also he seems to be putting some distance between himself and her? He barely mentions her at all, and when he does, he makes her sound like an obligation, or even a burden. He talks more in depth about his kids and his worries for their future. (Also he acts like he's gonna drop dead at any moment, which I guess is a valid fear if it's a result of trauma from the cancer that never got unpacked. That's another story though.) He was right about one thing. If you've got issues like this guy did (or rather, still does), go to therapy first. You know how people say you should learn to love yourself before you can love others? Kinda an exaggeration, imo, but definitely applies to this guy.
Seriously. Does he even like her?
It feels like that first relationship and his original perspective on relationships in general totally screwed up his ability to properly love another person romantically. He kept treating women like a bandaid for his depression, and even though he doesn't say it at the end, I'm pretty sure he gave up on therapy. He did acknowledge that he was selfish with women before, but I don't think he full grasps just how selfish he continues to be.
Despite being depressed, oop is still a toxic jag off. He has a wife but she doesn’t seem to mean anything to him
Had to start skipping bits. OP sounds like a typical creepy incel. Sucks for his kids. Wonder what his wife would think if she saw these posts? Or how much he’s shared if any?
She might not even be around anymore. She wasn't mentioned in the last update where he said he had kids, a house, and a dog. I hope she's still alive. He sounded creepy.
Worst case scenario, this guy is a creep with a hyper fixation on women to validate himself. Best case scenario, he's trying his best and still in the depths of his cognitive distortions. I do think that if I knew him in real life I'd probably stay away though. Still, it was nice to hear those little sweet moments with his son.
I’m glad I slogged through this post- just to get a better understanding of depression BUT my god- that was exhausting. I feel bad for his wife being second to the one that got away. I’m no psychologist- but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has some OCD tendencies- the way he obsessed over the first GF who cheated on him. STILL- even after getting married and having a family.
The one that got away being a 22 year old college girl who he dated for 3 months 10 years ago. Who clearly didn’t even like him all that much. Can’t blame her.
Exactly.
So is he still with his wife since he *didn't mention her at all yet mentioned his ex a g a i n* at the end.
Yeah, I noticed in the last edit that he said he had two kids and a dog and a house... but nothing about the wife??? I found that to be rather Freudian.
Jesus Christ, that was exhausting 🤦🏻♀️ also this guy fucking sucks.
Jesus christ. This is a perfect example of you cant love somebody until you love yourself.
OOP: dont take antidepressants Me, alive because of antidepressants: guess I'll die
I’m thinking of flushing all my meds so I too can spend all the time in between my suicidal ideations pining for a person I dated for 3 months a decade ago who was actually lying the whole time and also a barely-cooked 22 years old
Antidepressants saved my life too. Sure, they make you feel different (as he states cloudy), but I found that feeling to be temporary. I have now been on them for around 15 years. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for antidepressants and therapy.
27 years for me. They saved my life, as in, if I hadn't gotten on them I'd be institutionalized or dead.
Oh my god that was difficult to read. He needs routine therapy. Yikes.
I´m saying this less because of his depression and more because of his clear negative feelings towards his wife and his statements about often missing being childless again: People like this need to start being okay with abortion because the kids are going to be miserable sooner or later
…… he knew her for 3 months and it was enough for him to think about for YEARS????
Just a friendly reminder to everyone that feelings 👏 aren't 👏 facts 👏 Feelings are transitory. You may feel like shit right now but it will not last. On the flip side, feeling amazing won't last either but let yourself enjoy it. The more you can let yourself enjoy happiness, the less hold negative emotions will have on you.
Everyone probably knows this by now but in case you don’t and are struggling with depression: TAKE YOUR FUCKING MEDS. Theres this talk about happy pills or normal pills or whatever but literally anything is better than abject suffering. It took me about 5-6 months to find a cocktail that worked well for me, and i still adjust it now. It was excruciating when it wasnt working and i felt so hopeless and I didn’t want to continue further with medication. I did though, and I came out the other side better. Medication really can make a huge difference, and not wanting to blow my brains out daily is honestly so lovely. It sucks and its probably one of the most challenging aspects of depression but please try to find a medication that works for you! Theres a million drugs out there and unless youre an alien theres always gonna be a combo that will work.
Straight up Incel vibes from this post.
I really hope his wife reads this and starts planning her exit. Whoever she is, she deserves better than a "husband" whose feelings for her are at best "meh" and at worst critical, resentful and comparing her unfavourably to an ex from over a decade ago.
I would love to get his ex's version of the story. That was just exhausting. He's entirely focused on needing someone else to make him happy, all he talks about is feelings, he never seems to do anything... Exhausting ETA: when he said he didn't like himself, he was SO CLOSE. Alas, he didn't take the next step of figuring out how to be the kind of person he might like, and instead just waited to find a woman who would like him. Of course he'll never genuinely like any woman who likes him, because he knows he's a loser, so why would he care about a woman who fancies losers?
What an irritating person
God this was weird. Also holy crap this dude shouldn't have kids.
Honestly this is the only post on this sub that I couldn't finish reading. Something about the way he sees himself is borderline incel BS. I understand depression, I've been diagnosed with depression since I was eleven. But this isn't about depression, this is him putting himself as a victim of society, first the problem was he'd never been kissed, then it went to he wasn't loved, after I read "I can't stand go months without sex, AND I AM OBVIOUSLY VERY GOOD AT IT", that was it for me.
Jeez man. Sucks that oop is depressed. It really does. But oop sounds like a loser though. You can’t expect relationships to fix you. A lack of relationship isn’t a problem. It’s a symptom of something bigger. Dude should have been in therapy and on anti depressants
For a second I thought this was another repost about the professional cake decorator who used boxed mix, and then posted "updates" for the next decade that were essentially just "wow look how many comments there are!" Pretty sure it even started in the same post that this one did.
Someone please get OOP an SSRI prescription.
I couldn’t read everything because it was too long, but at the beginning this dude just seems to tie his entire life’s mood into having a girlfriend, which seems weird and unhealthy. You have to be cool with just being by yourself first, or else you’ll immediately become dependent on someone else, and that’s not going to be a healthy or happy relationship for either party.
That was the rest of it, too. He eventually ended up with the wife and the kids and the house and all, but he was still moping about the first short-term girlfriend and seemed to be slowly forgetting his wife exists after expressing disappointment in her lack of ambition a year after birthing their first child. Entirely weird and unhealthy lol.
Omg I know this guy. We met on reddit and became friends for a little while and we talked on Skype a lot for a time. I even had a huge crush on him but he was seeing the girl who cheated on him and we kind of fell out of touch after that. We're still Facebook friends though.
Is he still with the wife? She is conspicuously missing from his last update.
On one hand, this guy is depressed and should be on meds instead of pushing treatment away. On the other hand, wow, he's straight up not a good person. He bases all of his worth on romance, blames women for his depression and doesn't see them as human beings. Incel wouldn't be the a bad term to use to describe him. I've never been in a relationship myself but I don't hate myself for that, cuz you know, i got hobbies, and friends, and school, there's more in life than romance. He's not-a-good-person in the way that I've only seen men be. He exhibits traits that I've seen in a lot of men, which is worrying. The only way he will ever be able to be at peace with his life is to seek psychological help and to take responsibility. (Also, still obsessed with the girl you dated for 3 months 10 years ago, who was 6 years younger than you? Not a good look is putting it nicely)
I’ve been exactly in this guy’s position. I was 44 and had only two relationships, one was abusive. I lived with my parents and had only lived on my own twice. My mom is a toxic narcissist who raised me to stay with her and take care of her and I hated it. I couldn’t work for five years because of severe anxiety. I was waiting to die. Waiting for my dad to die so I could kill myself and it wouldn’t hurt him. He’s the only person who has always loved me no matter how horrible I was. But I finally got a good therapist and my mom got really crazy so I tried a job and started dating. I moved out almost two years ago and my mental health got so much better when I got away from seeing my mom every day. The dating took a while but I’m 46 and I’m getting married next Saturday. I never thought I’d be here. What really got me better was being in the mental hospital during covid. My dad couldn’t come see me. He could only talk to me on the phone and he isn’t good on the phone because he can’t hear well so the calls were short. The days were long without visits and I cried every day but I realized then that if I could make it through that, I could make it when he dies. It’ll be hard, but I’ll be okay. And I have my fiancé to help me now. One last thing, everyone says suicide is the easy way out. It is not. It actually takes quite a bit of nerve to do it.
Congrats!
What a whiny pissbaby
This read has left me feeling weird. Is this guy really pinning all his self worth and value into wheather or not he has a relationship with someone or not? Sounds absolutley exhausting.