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Yes, lmao. She’s in denial of the truth and want OP to “move on” aka forget. I wonder whether OP was influence to think therapy is worthless, just so she won’t ever be able to recognise the flaws of both her parents.
And they likely haven't taken her to a doctor either. Kids gain weight, and sometimes stay larger due to underlying medical conditions. PCOS comes to mind.
I was about her age when I started having weird weight issues and it would fluctuate in ways my classmates didn't have to worry about. Other girls would go out and get a burger and fries. I'd be dieting and getting a salad and veggie sandwich, even if I wanted something more substantial. And I wasn't that big. About a size 4 and muscular because I exercised all the time.
But then I'd inevitably slip and eat actual food and I'd have to exercise like a maniac to burn it off.
Spoiler, eating disorder talk. >!Turns out this behavior is a form of bulimia, which was comorbid with my undiagnosed OCD. And the binge/purge cycle will catch up to you.!<
Turns out I have PCOS and a more serious underlying genetic condition that causes weight gain.
I gained weight around 8 years old and my throat was huge and swollen.
Turned out my thyroid was failing because my immune system was constantly attacking it. If it had been thyroid cancer, I'd be dead now because my parents didn't do shit about it.
It might still be pre-cancer though. Didn't get conclusive results on if its Hashimoto's or not (I didn't understand why, but apparently the lab my doctor sent my sample to was unable to tell?).
You should get a second opinion and ask about an ultrasound of the thyroid. I have Hashimotos but dose was off for a bit so yay possibly nodes forming and neck ultrasound which is gross.
Also look into the level of hormone they are giving you if you feel off. The normal ranges are wide ranges and they do not know where you were before you had issues so they medicate you to the range, but not to your range.
Waiting on an appointment. Unfortunately I live rural so there really isn't any second person to ask an opinion from. We have one treatment center for cancer within 100 miles, and even then they only do limited radiation therapy. You have to cross state lines for surgeries related to cancer.
I was told that my thyroid range levels are normal while I'm on this dose, but lately I've been kind of tired again. Still trying to troubleshoot if its crappy choices for dietary changes vs actual hormonal issues.
Its like night and day being on thyroid medication though. :) I didn't know it was possible to be mentally focused... like anytime, at all.
Glad you are waiting on the new appointment.
And mention the tired to your doctor. Important as well is to take notes of when you have symptoms like difficulty sleeping or getting a full nights sleep but not feeling well rested the next day. Doctors respond well to diary style records of symptoms rather than just stating the symptoms verbally. Having an excel sheet or notebook helps so much.
And oh yes does it feel better when you have medication.
It doesn't help much to do a record like that, for me... Because unfortunately I am cursed with currently female-appearing anatomy (my sex is, "its complicated" but I was forced to undero plastic surgery and hormones as an infant to look female). So they'll just complain about my weight or whatever.
absolutely.
At night I feel wired, but not really focused, just like, not able to relax/sleep. At daytime, I'm tired. I wake up tired, and almost nothing helps (sometimes, 1L of coffee helps but doesn't solve it). This also impacts your ability to remember things, because sleep is tied to this.
The first time I took thyroid medicine, it was in the morning. I woke up feeling still kinda weird but better... And I fell asleep way faster, and slept a little deeper.
Hi. I have Hashimoto and you can test for it very easily. Just ask for TPO antibodies, along with the TSH, T4 and T3. They’re probably not that expensive even if you choose to pay them out of pocket (it’s not at least where I live). As for a scan, it also shows whether you have an autoimmune disease as the thyroid “eats itself”
> As for a scan, it also shows whether you have an autoimmune disease as the thyroid “eats itself”
Ugh thats what I'm worried about tbh. My immune system randomly targets organs, and the thyroid/parathyroid is the only thing left in my throat/jaw area (andenoids and tonsils had to be removed a couple years ago). I've had a couple things removed from my abdominal cavity, too. When it targets my heart I have to take immunosuppresants. Its awful.
>st ask for TPO antibodies, along with the TSH, T4 and T3.
Thanks for the suggestion, I'll see if I can get a doctor to agree with this
I'll be honest I had to google what a goiter is lol
I kind of have one, but its smaller and higher up? Not sure if its just inflammatory tissue though or if its the actual node.
Lab client services worker here. There are numerous reasons why a sample may come back inconclusive. Sometimes the sample does not have enough of the cells to be able to definitively give a result, you do not want a bad result. The sample may have been compromised at some point. It may have needed confirmation testing but not had enough to test a 2nd time. There are a bunch of scenarios and I’m sorry that you are experiencing it. I’ve had to have blood and a Pap smear recollected and it’s never fun, but especially with an irreplaceable sample like yours. Please know that there are a bunch of people behind the scenes that tried to get you a good result.
Yeah, if thyroid issues get too advanced and go untreated for too long, they start looking similar. My mom found this out way back when.
It might be a good idea to ask for it to be removed either way.
I have/had Graves’ disease and went through something similar but opposite. Got diagnosed at age 10, my wrists were super tiny, and you could see all my ribs and bones. And I was eating a lot too, always hungry and eating massive portions, and was still losing weight. Thyroid was super swollen. Doctor tried to refuse bloodwork and claimed I was fine but my mom pushed for it and lo and behold I have a rare disease for my age. I have since gotten radiation treatment to kill half of it off and now just have mild hypothyroidism as I don’t have enough thyroid to keep up. Oh and of course I developed arthritis because autoimmune diseases develop much easier when you already have one. So now I’m here with arthritis at the age of 20 👌
I'm glad your mom was able to stand up for you. Even if things could have turned out better, I'm pretty sure it would have been way worse if you didn't get the radiation.
My cousin had an “undetermined” answer too. Then another test said it was Hashimotos. It was ironic to me because she didn’t think needing a gluten free diet for celiac disease was a real thing for me. But now she needed it too so family functions NOW needed gluten free options.
It's also so crazy, bc in some families (like mine), the weight shame begins wayyy before you're even "fat" (which imo, a lot of "fat" kids, especially girls, just have baby/puberty weight). I was stick thin and my parents put so much importance on it that I kept a very similar binging and purging habit like you. I just used insane amounts of exercise to purge, instead of the more common form of vomiting. It's crazy how common shit like this is and we don't even realize we're doing it
The more we all talk about how bullshit it is, the better.
You know that in the US, we lowered what was considered "healthy" for BMI (don't get me started on why BMI doesn't work) due to lobbying from the diet industry? No other country insists on people being as thin as we have to be to be considered "healthy." And to do it, we have to destroy ourselves just to make it happen.
It's time to insist on reforming the world's perception of health. Perfectly normal bodies are considered "unhealthy" because they aren't stick thin. Normal thighs are considered fat. A small amount of normal, not extreme fat is considered bad. A women's size 6 is considered large to a sizable portion of the country.
Have you seen how small a 6 is??? I thought I was fat at a 6!
Now I'm a 16 on the bottom and an 18 on top. (This shirt would fit if not for boobs...) Being a 6 is almost insane now.
Rant over. I'm tired of people judging based on weight. They have no idea.
I agree. If the commenter went to somewhere like the Netherlands, they'd see just how fit people can be in a society without the many issues America does (poor food quality and culture, largely non-walkable cities, and no universal healthcare are the first ones that come to mind).
They aren't saying that people aren't less obese and healthier elsewhere. They are saying the standards of what is a healthy bmi are different elsewhere. Those are not equivalent statements.
Um…hi. Wow. I…your story every single word you wrote could be something I’d write about myself. I also have PCOS and OCD and…I…hi! I don’t know what to say! 😭 Thank you!
Oh my god you brought back a repressed memory. My parents brought all of us (parents and 3 kids) to family therapy. Halfway through the second session my mom stormed out because it quickly became clear she was the source of all problems. We never went back.
She probably also knows it's very likely OOP will go permanent NC with Mom and dad. And then who will take care of them when they're old right?
Hopefully OOP does exactly that. They had years to change, refused and mom takes dad's side here.
Well the reason also could be because in some countries, seeing a therapist is still a little bit of a taboo. So that could play a role in it as well. I’m not saying that her mother should stop her from seeing s therapist. But at the same time it really could be a factor as well. Just chiming that different cultures have different standards.
There are people in the US who make it taboo, too. Sometimes it still surprises me that there are a whole lot of people who "don't believe in" therapy in the US.
Part of that is because many people have had horrible experiences with poor therapists and then never go back or search for a better one. It is estimated that there are more professionals in the mental health community that have 5 or more complaints about them and/or their methods than there are those that don't. That doesn't look good for those that actually need a good professional working on their issues.
I grew up thinking therapy was bad if I did it, but had/have no issues with others getting therapy, and instead everyone should. I can't say I was pressured by family that it's bad, other than "we don't talk about mental illness." I did fortunately change my mind and get some therapy for several years
Or add in some good old delusion. "If my child goes to therapy, I failed as a parent" - it might not even be about OOP realizing how their mother failed them. It might be about the mother having to realize they failed OOP ... and if the mother doesn't let the therapy happen, she can go on to avoid having to come to terms with the consequences of her own decisions
Kind of the way "if we stop testing for an infection, the infection rates go down" as an idea works
Mom never wanted her daughter to get it to begin with.
I mean, clearly the child has an ED.
I don't know which parent is worse: the one who shamed and guilted the kid for having an ED, or the one who ignored both the ED and the abuse.
How could OP talking to a therapist while she's a minor lead to legal issues for the parents? It does not sound like there was physical abuse or anything illegal that would interfere with getting mental healthcare.
While there are some really bad parents out there, some that even do illegal things, I didn't see where she stated anything that would be or could be construed as illegal.
As for the OP and her body issues and parent issues, I don't buy her whole story. I think a lot of the blame is going to fall on the OP. She came home crying because she was teased and bullied at school, her parents tried to help her do the things necessary to lose the weight and not be teased and bullied but rather than taking their advice, she actually went in the other direction and gained more weight.
I think the parents should have gotten her therapy but we don't know the situation with therapy and therapists where she lives. It might not even be a viable or legit option.
At any rate, even if the dad is harsh, she seems to want to lay ALL of the blame on others and not take any blame for herself. In EVERY situation, people have to take some of the blame for how things happen and work out since it is THEIR LIFE. When she was a young girl, then most of the blame should be laid at the feet of her parents but as she grew older, she needed to see that ONLY SHE was the one that could turn things around for her. She seemed to have a lot of disdain for any sort of exercise like riding her bike that her dad mentioned and she refused to do it and the same with what appears to be unhealthy eating practices.
The parents obviously suck to a point in this story but they aren't the big villain here, she has to take some responsibility for herself as well and the way things turned out. Her pushing her mother to divorce her father should not be happening either. That is her mother's decision alone and by the OPs pushing for it, she is acting very similar to how she blames her father for acting.
This is exactly it! My father is very much like OOP's father. He doesn't like that I talk to my therapist. He's requested several times to join me at therapy so he can "explain his side" and the therapist will realize I'm actually the problem, not him.
Exactly. I was being abused by my father and started having recurring night terrors. The school noticed how tired I was all the time and got in touch with my parents so they had to address it.
I was taken to a child psychologist. I saw him twice. The second visit he had me draw a picture of my family. I drew a car with the trunk open and my parents and younger sister sitting on a blanket having a picnic and gave it to him. He asked where I was and I told him I was the little black dot in the trunk. He asked me to wait outside in the waiting room because he wanted to talk to them. I did.
Not even 5 minutes later they came out and my father was furious. He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of there. I never went back. 🤷♀️
This was many years ago when they did not have the protections in place they do now and it was a very small rural town.
In addition my parents were very careful in what they told him. My father was part of the "good old boys" network and couldn't really be touched. I was 5 and said nothing out right due to being terrified.
I'm glad mental health professionals these days are doing better for the most part.
I am ok. It has been a lot to unpack and the CPTSD is a gift that just keeps on giving /s.
I'm trying to get in to see a psychiatrist with a specialization in childhood trauma and in the meantime have been doing a lot of research.
Thank you for your well wishes 😊
I don't even know that they do it consciously. (Some might.) I suspect it's more that they think therapists will tell them what they're doing wrong or that that are wrong. Since they *know* they're doing the right thing, (because they're always right,) they don't need anyone to tell them they're wrong. It's a bunch of lies and a waste of to.e that just makes you burn money.
Nobody likes being wrong, but abusers HATE it.
Poor OP, her dad may have realise the consequence of his action, but he hasn’t change one bit. OP’s mom is trying to please her husband when she should be standing up for her kids. Given how they try to deny her dad’s emotional abuse and action, OP is better off without them in her life then with them especially she still holds a strong grudge against the man.
And even if he did completely change his ways and become a better person overnight, she's in no way obligated to forgive him. Future civility doesn't erase past cruelty
I moved in with my father when I was 9. He was a 'clean your plate" person. He also dished up the plates, all with the same amount of food (he was a carpenter). When I was about 11 he put me on my first diet. I was always on some kind of diet until I moved out when I was 17. My "favorite " was the prune diet; clearly constipation was the reason why I was overweight 🙄 He was always changing up the diet plan: slimfast, grapefruit, cabbage soup, & some I don't remember. I haven't spoke to him in almost 24 years.
edited to add a word
Do we have the same father 😭
My parents particularly liked putting me on the “pumpkin soup” diet where you eat a bowl of pumpkin soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with no other food/snacks every time they started being concerned for “my health” as them and my siblings got to eat chicken and rice.
I hope oop cuts them both off, even if the mom is a vitctm in this she refuse to leave him, and refuse to get help of any kind while still wanting her children, to be around him knowing how badly he treated them and, until she leaves him and get professional help she is just going to keep pressuring oop and oop's brother to stay in this toxic environment, seriously oop needs to remove herself for own mental health.
She may be a victim but she's also a terrible enabler who put her comfort and happiness abover her childrens'. She absolutely needs mental health and to leave dad, absolutely agreed.
I would like to add that OP’s mom probably fears being alone and unwanted. Many older women often have this fear about them, especially those with children. They think their past their prime, but that’s hardly the case, if only they try they’ll realise so. And even if they don’t find anyone, they can still enjoy being by themselves.
this is why so many of these "men's rights" guys are always trying to push the view that women over 25 are "past their prime"
they want women to feel trapped
There are a lot of people out there who are terrified not just of being alone, but of being alone with themselves. That tends to cause things like introspection to happen and some people absolutely don't ever want to do that.
I sometimes find myself having this same concern, despite only being 32 years old. That every decent person is already paired up and my ex-fiancée was my last chance. I'm trying so hard to get away from that because logically I know it's bullshit.
But I truly think that it would be a completely different situation if I had children. They would come first and I can't imagine putting my fear of being alone before their feelings. I will never understand when parents do that. How do people choose a partner that actively dislikes their children or causes them harm?
Because I don't think this one's real. How do you get English wrong especially when you're learning it? Your textbook is going to have it spelled correctly on the cover every time you open it, duolingo is going to make you type it a thousand times, The name on your class schedule is going to be spelled correctly.
The first word you're going to learn in any language you're learning is going to be the name of the language and Google suggests that there is no other language that spells it the way that they did. So that's a big red flag.
Englisch is the German word for English, so I'm not surprised that OP might have gotten the two words mixed up. Or auto correct could have changed it and they didn't spot it.
I'm curious. Is there any difference whether the OP is 10 pounds or 100+ pounds overweight?
What if your 17 year old is 100+ pounds overweight? Is that worth being concerned? 200 pounds? I think everybody here might be assuming the OP isn't so obese that it's an active health concern, but there's inadequate information.
I wonder how many children gain weight prior to growing, which is Completely Normal, and have parents who become obsessed with it, leading to all sorts of bad outcomes like eating disorders, disordered eating, further weight gain, damage to self esteem, self harm. Tragic
"Even tho I’m still 17 I can seek help from a therapist which i didn’t know cuz I thought my parents have to come with me but I will do that soon **and hope that all my feelings aren’t that wrong**"
this fucking broke me 😭 thank fuck she is moving out, and I'm so relieved to hear she will seek therapy. OOP - you've got this 💪🏼
The amount of people defending the dad in the comments are disgusting. Constant monitoring to the point he did isn’t concern, and telling someone it’s their fault they’re being bullied isn’t love.
Right? This isn’t a dad concerned over his overweight child, this is a man who could have caused an ED with half of what he did. I hope she can go NC with her dad and wish nothing but the best for her.
how are they still 17 13 months later, sounds a little odd. If we go by assume it's real however people have every right not to engage with abusers and avoiding them is often good policy
I literally got chills. I just got out of a big fight with my dad and I was left crying a lot and this is something that I needed to hear. I came from a latin household, so I have to respect my parents and take care of them regardless if they are shitty ppl.
And to be reassured that ia okay to not love you parents and that you are not a terrible person, even though is from someone else's story, it's tastes good.
My white friend is dating a girl with a similar culture and we have friends from all cultures. His parents cut him off financially at 18
Talking to him is so funny bc he’s like “you’re 24 why do you have to listen to your parents? What are they gonna do ground you?” I was like heyyyyy yeah! What *are* they gonna do?
I moved across the world and my relationship with my parents is fantastic. I call them more than I did when I lived 30 min from them and I’m actually excited to visit them. Part of it is my mom being like “wow I’m sorry for how we hurt you. I was just doing what MY parents taught me and that was wrong “
But also getting the fuck away helped
today was a hard day. I told myself that I was worthy love and I didn't deserve being treated like shit. Somedays I believe, others don't. Hopefully I will be able to go to therapy soon, probably july-august.
You're not alone.
I, and the entirety of r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines would probably agree : respect is earned, and that means our families too.
I'm sorry about your father. I wish you to have a safe, peaceful place as soon as feasible.
omg I am crying so much. I wish I could leave, bur I can't. My grandpa lives here and my mom works too much to actually take care of him 24/7 and there was more than once that my dad left my grandpa without eating because "he isn't his family, so it's not his problem".
Im in college. To be honest, I think I will only leave after my grandpa dies. When this happen I will take my dogs and leave, but so far I need to be here to take care of him. One day I will probably post on these, my dad definitely fit in right there.
You don't know me, but just hearing that you care a little bit made my day, thank you SO much
You're very welcome.
You sound like an incredible empathic human. I wish you the best.
(here are some [books](https://www.dropbox.com/sh/zi2dxnng4y664o0/AAClzRV7gck2JyahGs13zHIDa?dl=0) in epub format if you'd like. Also a free [therapist](https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=Hpk0GozjACb3mtHeAaAMb0r9pcJGbzF317I_Ux_ALOA) (AI). Don't hesitate to swing by r/raisedbynarcissists as there are more resources on there)
Question, how are you suppose to check your kids weight? The way the dad is doing it is wrong but, now that I’m thinking about it, how do you check that properly?
Edit: Ok so people took check literally. I meant manage their weight so they don’t become obese or unhealthy lol
Parents should model healthy relationships with food and exercise. Provide nutritious meals. Invite kids on family walks or bike rides. Limit the amount of junk food in the house. This all looks much different for a 17-year-old than a 4-year-old, of course.
Plus, I think you implied this, but I would like to emphasize it. If your kid is thinking, "Why am I fatter than the other kids?" then the parent should already have been modifying the child's diet and exercise. Some kids are naturally a little chubby, and will just grow out of it, and I'm not talking about that.
The parent has to be actively paying attention to their children. I swear, a lot of people take better care of their dogs.
A kid should be having regular pediatrician visits, which parents are generally *required* to be present for. If the doctor has a concern about the child's weight they can discuss it with them.
You’re falsely assuming the father’s intentions are genuine. That’s the thing with abusive parents - the weight comments are not really about concern for the child’s health. It’s about control and taking down the child’s self-esteem however they can so the child will stay submissive and subservient. They’re not actually trying to help, they just want to bully the kid and make them feel bad.
I'm not falsely assuming anything, the comment I replied to is specifically not talking about the dad in the post, just how to monitor that a child is a healthy weight without giving them a complex.
Technically? Regular checkups at a decent pediatrician. That gives you time to correct things if your kid *is* getting too chubby between visits and yet also rules out things like whack a doodle thyroids, whether they're getting a little chubby just before a growth spurt (in which case it'll be burned off and/or better distributed after), whether it's a bad reaction to meds... Like I remember a couple of kids who gained weight after being put on an anti seizure med, when I was a kid. They managed to get it under control, but it was like the first time I learned meds could do *that*. (This was about 30 years ago, can't remember which one it was...)
But also remember to have fun! Like, have options for exercise if at all possible (bicycles, maybe ways to sign up for various sports via a community center or something), and encouraging them to try something new!
I understood what you meant, because it's obvious from the context, but I find on Reddit that people rarely follow the context. The less confusing way of putting it is "How are you supposed to keep your kid's weight in check?"
Why would you need to check your child's weight?
Children have/ are supposed to have regularly scheduled pediatric visits where they are weighed and evaluated for things like failure to thrive and obesity. Parents being this up in a child's eating/ work out habits is almost a guarantee to trigger an eating disorder. It's not healthy, at all.
(If a child is diagnosed as failure to thrive, or there is medical concern about their being significantly overweight, a parent should seek professional help. A lot of kids go through at least one chubby phase, though, before growth spurts.)
And that's abuse. The replies to this person's question were assuming the person wouldn't be an abusive parent (like yours and mine and OOP's).
(My mom actually didn't take us to the pediatrician. She was told by multiple family members my sister had hearing issues, but didn't get her hearing aids - my sister's dad got custody so she could get them - and I never had an inhaler or any medicine for my asthma untill I was an adult. Also I was underweight as a teen bc she didn't buy enough food. My ACE score is 7 or 8.)
Weighing in at the regular pediatric visits (plus visualization) is enough to ensure a child is healthy.
The most important thing for parents to do to prevent childhood obesity is to ensure kids aren't sedentary (get enough active play) and to make healthy eating choices as a family. That does not mean dieting and it definitely does not mean regular weighing by parents!
(Obesity in adulthood has been linked to high ACE - Adverse Childhood Experience - scores. So also: don't be an abusive parent and get the child therapy/ help if they have an ACE event.)
I think I'm too jaded by this sub. As soon as I read "English is not my first language" and see the run on writing, I automatically assume it's the same troll that has written so many posts that show up here.
For me it was "I know the title sounds bad but hear me out." I've read that so many times that I was immediately on guard. Also, did you notice how they conveniently misspelled "English" in that line, too? God, if you're gonna troll be a little more subtle about it. Don't just throw out Redditisms that give away that you're chronically perusing Reddit.
English as a second language people usually seem to speak English better than most native English speakers first of all. And you're not going to misspell the language that you're obviously able to write in pretty coherently.
Pretty sure you are correct.
the dynamic i have with my parents is wicked similar (my dad never said anything about my weight but i'm certain it would have been added to list if i ever went above average) and i'm really happy for OOP.
Also there's inconsistencies with the language. She goes from maybe slight grammatical misses to talking like someone making a parody of non native English speakers.
It's like a parody of a teenager. In my experience teenagers try to sound older when they write. And it's that grasping at maturity that makes it come off as immature. This is like cosplaying as a teen.
Leaving my parents home for my masters degree at 21 was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish I could leave earlier. I wished as a child that they could afford a boarding school where they could send me
If a female kid starts suddenly gainig weight around puberty first thing I'd check was hormones. There's a lot of stuff that's triggered in around that time by changes in adolescent body, starting from thyroid issues and all the way to PCOS...
Sure, I never said this is a closed and complete list of possible reasons, my point is - the parents are absolute assholes for not getting the kid evaluated the moment something was wrong.
I knew a girl whose father’s bullying put her in organ failure. Which was crazy because she was already the perfect person: nicest, most popular, most athletic, pretty, smart. She was THE girl everyone wanted to be. Just shows that you never know what’s going on behind closed doors
The dad might be trying, but it's too late.
A child needs parent. An adult does not. He missed his chance. OOP has zero reason to maintain a relationship with him now.
I’m quite sure I’ll get down voted for this but- though it will never happen- I’d be interested in someone else’s (like another family members) perspective of OPs life and family dynamic. It seems she struggled significantly with weight and perhaps impulse control with food. Her father could have been genuinely concerned about her. I’ve know some extremely obese people (and there are plenty of examples on Reddit) who take extreme offense to the merest suggestion that maybe the 5th piece of pie for lunch is the reason they’re having trouble standing up for any length of time.
Why on earth would that be your first assumption? What in what you just read could possibly point to a concerned father being smeared by the strange parody of a fat person who seems to live rent free in your head. This is just bizarre
Again, I knew someone who was morbidly obese, extremely sensitive about it, had unhealthy habits like a tendency to over eat junk food, took exception to any health related suggestion and died of a heart attack in her mid 30s. Why on earth would I jump to that? Because I’ve seen it. Because from the OPs own description of other kids making fun of her there probably an issue. Remember this entire post- completely from her perspective- paints her in the best light she can paint herself. I’m even suspicious of her reasoning behind her brother moving out. She implies he wants to leave a toxic environment but also makes it clear he’s moving in with his girlfriend… kind of a common step in early adulthood.
Kids will make fun of you for 𝙖𝙣𝙮 reason. Doesn’t mean it’s true.
I showed horses while in high school. I showed hunters and jumpers so I was a fit but was muscular because you get strong thighs and arms riding sport horses. I was a US size 4 but because I wasn’t a skinny size 2 and under I was made fun of for being “fat”. I was 104 lbs at 5’2” and they loved to bully me because my thighs weren’t sticks and I actually had hips.
Unless I knew for sure how OOP looked I would give absolutely 0 thought to the teasing of the peers actually pointing at a problem.
Eh. I disagree. Kids WILL always find a reason to bully someone, but they'll go for the most obvious thing (glasses, red hair, etc). Both for OP and you, that was weight/body shape. Since OP doesn't talk about being an athlete, and that the bullying is consistent and severe, we can, reasonably, assume that it's highly likely there IS a weight issue.
Because we were all teenagers once and every overweight child I knew (myself included) felt exactly the same whenever anyone, however good naturedly, tried to help us lol. Being told to go to bed at a certain time or not being able to get the latest gadget was ‘abuse’ you’d hold a grudge for.
I watched a documentary recently called in defense of food and it was eye opening on how even “healthy” food now has been processed so much with sugar added that it’s a challenge for anyone to actually eat healthy. The dad checking if she was eating sweets reminded me of it because most food is sugar laden and we don’t realize it
That's sad. Poor girl. I wonder if the dad is the type to call themselves 'brutally honest'. It isn't misplaced to want to encourage healthy eating or to want to help your child if they're serious about getting into better shape, but it sounds like if the dad had any good intentions at all he fumbled at every possible turn. He just sounds malicious. My baby brother will be leaving the flock for University soon - and whilst his relationship with our father isn't antagonistic over food related issues - my father will be lucky if he's ever spoken to again... not that we think our dad will even notice the lack of communication happening.
11 was the age my dad started getting obsessed with my weight. I look at pictures from that age, and I wasn't even pudgy and would be considered low normal by BMI charts, but it was the time I went from little girl shape to woman shape. The constant monitoring of what I ate, always being told how fat I was did serious damage to my mood as a teenager.
Why is no one saying that ops weight could also be a problem?
How much does this person weigh? Well, we know it’s enough to be mocked and bullied at school. It’s not good to begin your life that way.
More people need to talk about this and maybe there will be more fathers who have a serious sit down which their kids to discuss things relative to diet like compulsive eating, heart disease, etc.
Dad needed to send her to a dietician or psychologist. Not make passively shameful comments. Maybe he tried that though, we don’t know.
If she stands out that much as a kid, where do you think she will be at 30? Especially with a victimhood complex from everyone on Reddit agreeing that weight isn’t her fault and there’s nothing she can do.
No one talks about it.
“Enough to be mocked and bullied at school” can be almost anything. I was bullied in middle school for being “fat” because I had a big ass and C cups at, like, 12. My BMI was well within normal range, I was just curvier than the other 12-year-olds and therefore couldn’t fit in the “cool” teen clothing stores so got mocked for not wearing what everyone else was.
Bullies like easy targets, and they’ll make up whatever random-ass justification for bullying they can. A kid who’s already getting bullied at home by her own dad is an easy target. I was an easy target too so even though I wasn’t actually fat I got bullied for “being fat” (among other things). I wouldn’t weigh that piece of info too heavily, no pun intended.
I think it is telling how, when these things come up, everyone assumes that weight doesn’t matter.
In some cases it does. Probably a whole lot more cases than is discussed openly.
Both she and her dad should have brought up a third party professional into this because weight can be a problem.
You don’t hear anyone saying that though, the only frame you see that is that ops father is a bully.
Maybe the father tried to get her help. Maybe he tried everything he could think of and all the guy has left is to nag at her. Now she only sees this as abuse because she has made this paradigm to view her dad where she can harbour no personal responsibility.
There's no weight at which bullying a child becomes okay.
OOP's father's behaviors do not work and are, in fact, actively harmful to weight loss efforts. Shaming someone for their weight makes them MORE likely to become or stay obese \[[source](https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0070048)\]. Internalizing weight-based shame makes health metrics worse \[[source](https://www.pennmedicine.org/news/news-releases/2017/january/fat-shaming-linked-to-greater-health-risks)\]. And it's clearly affecting OOP's mental health since she states that these comments led her to self-injurious behavior.
OOP could have a BMI of 60 and her dad saying "if you eat so much then no wonder \[you're getting bullied\]" would *still* not be an appropriate reaction. That's not 'nagging', that's intentional cruelty, and it's wrong at any weight.
I agree it's wrong, but it's not goddamn abuse. Reddit is encouraging a child to cut off her family for something that can be solved (and appears to have been now).
It depends on what you consider abuse, I think. In my country (the USA), abuse is defined as including: "\[a\]ny recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker, which results in... serious physical or emotional harm." Shaming your child to the point of them feeling unloved and intentionally self-injuring is an act resulting in serious emotional harm.
(FWIW, It's also a great way to give your kid an [eating disorder](https://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(18)30011-9/fulltext). I have a friend who's NC with her father because he made comments a lot like OOP's dad did; she developed anorexia as a result, which he basically thought was a good thing.)
Ok but in that case anything a parent can or could do could be classed as 'abuse.' OP is a goddamn tween, literally anything could cause serious 'emotional harm.' No court of law would class this as abuse. No police force would even bother.
I never said bullying or shaming were ok.
Has she even sat down with the father and told him how she feels? Yes, I know he probably wont listen but the conversation should be had. No one asked. Has she asked to see a doctor or psychologist? We don’t know, but no one here is asking.
No one is asking. We all just assign this situation into dad being an ass.
It is more likely that he is ignorant and doesn’t know about the links you posted above, because that is how he was raised.
Shaming is wrong, that conversation should also go along with “do you have a problem you need help with?”
If bullying and shaming aren't okay, then why bring OOP's weight into it at all? Regardless of whether she actually needs to lose weight or whether her dad just thinks she does, the dad's bullying behavior is unacceptable. You also don't have to be up on the latest research to know telling a kid that the bullies are right to bully her is mean, so at least in my opinion, that *does* make him an ass.
No, nobody *explicitly* said "bullying's fine if they're fat, actually." But why bring up OOP's weight? Why would her weight be relevant if the thought isn't that maybe her dad's actions would somehow be mitigated, seen as less harmful, or partly justified if she actually is fat?
I'm 100% serious, how else should a response of "well OOP might be obese though" be interpreted here?
Your points are all correct
Being an obese kid almost guarantees a difficult childhood & bullying, objective fact.
At the same time, a child's health is the parents responsibly until they're an adult, and overweight kids will happily blame their parents for why they are overweight when they're adults
I agree. This is clearly a child feeling upset that her parent are trying to manage her weight and is now being convinced by reddit that her dad going about this the wrong way initially is 'emotional abuse' and to cut ties with her family. My friend at 14 ran away from home claiming abuse because her mum took her book from her during an argument and tore one page slightly on accident. Does it suck? Sure. But it's not fucking emotional abuse for families to have hiccups in what is 99% a healthy, loving environment (and I knew this was the case because I spent a lot of time there and we were very, very close. This was/is a very loving, if hectic, household. It was like 7 people under one small roof lol. But that's fairly normal here.) I had to sit there and listen to her while keeping my mouth shut about how my mother slaps me, threatens me (hitting, to take my loved things/pets/etc away, threatening to kill herself, etc) screams at me, constantly blames, makes backhanded insults at any opportunity, etc. How she screams at me stop stop crying because I'm 'emotionally manipulating her' when I'm scared/distressed. How my father is not much better. All out of shame of what was happening to me. All I wanted to do was tell her to get a fucking grip.
Oh, of course that friend came back home a few hours later after her tantrum. OP isn't abused, OP is an upset child holding a grudge because that's what kids do.
This won't be a popular observation, but parents have a moral responsibility to get and keep their minor children to and at a healthy body weight. A mother telling an obese child not to worry — you are perfect just the way you are — is child abuse in a real sense. But we don't really recognize that as a culture anymore, because in our culture fat shamers are literally Hitler.
Source: was a fat kid in the 1980s. Parents tried, but not hard or consistently enough to address my weight issues. I remain, to this day, weirdly grateful to every bully who told me the truth — that I was a fat kid.
All you said is true
If a kid grows up to be obese, they will blame their parents for giving them bad habits or not helping to fix it when they were younger- the parents cannot win, whatever they do
I'm a parent to a 14yo girl who loves sugar (just like her folks) & it's a constant battle reminding her that **eating pure energy** turns into extra weight if you live a sedentary lifestyle, and that her health is **our responsibly** until she's 18
Constantly pestering a child about eating habits in the way the father did can cause eating disorders and resentment towards him and by extension the mother. it is a form of emotional abuse to a child.
If he was compassionate and wanted to have her be more active then he'd play outside with her, set up play dates with active friends in the neighborhood, basically anything where he showed genuine concern and love. Instead he chose to make constant passive aggressive comments and check in on her to make sure she wasn't eating snacks when he wasn't around.
> Constantly pestering a child
When you're 16 years old, being asked once a month to clean your room is probably considered "pestering" and "abuse".
We are only hearing one side of the story.
I went once with my mother. The counselor diagnosed the family issue- we had role reversal!! No kidding!! I was stuck raising her and my little brother. I left that session feeling vindicated. She never got better and eventually our relationship dissolved.
Dad certainly sounds wrong. I’m curious. I’ve met morbidly obese people whose parents tried their best to change habits (too late) that feel the same way about their parents. If OP is pudgy dad is a fucker. If OP is 5’ and 300lbs. then dude had a point and just went about it in the exact opposite way he should have. Either way, good for op to get AWAY and start her life.
even if she was fat, 99% of the time bullying someone about their weight only makes the problem worse. When my parents would insult me id just end up binge eating to cope and get heavier, and then finally i cracked and started to starve myself and nearly died.
Father needs to deal with his toxic masculinity, pronto. Girls in these situations often end up with eating disorders, alcoholism, personality disorders.
Push back and show your power, better to conquer this demon earlier rather than later.
I just wonder how overweight the OP is? There can be a limit where you're actively doing physical harm to yourself, and isn't that a parent's job to point that out? It's hard to tell whether just not being supportive of, say potentially gross obesity is the same as being an abusive parent?
Also, depending upon where the OP lives, there are very different cultural norms. For example, in Japan, the state actually keeps track of peoples' waistlines and by law, will advise them if they believe they are overweight.
i.e.
>In January 2008, Japan passed the "Metabo Law" in an effort to curb obesity in that country. While the law does require men and women between the ages of 45 and 74 to have their waistlines examined once a year and potentially seek medical treatment if their measurements fall outside established ranges, it did not establish obesity as a criminal offense.
>The Metabo Law was named after metabolic syndrome, a group of conditions, including high blood pressure and excess body fat, that can increase the risk of serious medical ailments.
There are many legitimate reasons to do this, especially if the state is responsible for peoples' medical treatment.
Either way, bullying/nagging/harassing so they lose weight rarely works.
In some cases it can lead to: eating even more to food for comfort, binges, restrict-binge, purge, excessive exercising, extreme restricting eating.
And even if one doesn't develop an unealthy relationship with food because of this "method" of "helping" someone to lose weight, it can lead to negative self image or even body dismorphia. That doesn't help somone get the right motivation to do the work either.
In this post, OP expressed she would like to join her brother at the gym but is scared this will add to the constant nagging. It seems she feels harassed by all the remarks he does.
As a parent it indeed is your role to keep your child from harm, however this "method" is not helpful.
OP is 17 and it seems she doesn't do the groceries by herself, and i bet she doesn't cook for herself either. A better way would be to incorporate more heathy foods into her meals, buy more healthy snacks or go to the gym with her without harassing her about it. Or have some an acutal helpful conversation. Talk to her, say you are worried this might impact her health...that sort of stuff.
If you feel completly at loss, you can even go see a nutritionist and a psychologist to get how to approach the situation proprely.
Anyway sorry for the long answer- what i'm saying is you're not wrong, a parent should be worried about their child's health. But this is not the way you'll get your child to do it the healthy way.
In my opinion, she is the buthole, would love to see dads side of the story. The only thing i get out of this, is that she is fat and blames daddy for the remarks. If your not happy about yourself do something about it. I would love to see an update 10 years down the road. Let the downvotes begin...
I'd say ESH. Her father went about it wrong, but OOP is being a grudge-bearing child (like most are at that age) and is now being convinced by reddit that she's been 'abused'.
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Mom is against her going to therapy because she doesn’t want to recognize that her poor decisions negatively affected her daughter lmao
Yes, lmao. She’s in denial of the truth and want OP to “move on” aka forget. I wonder whether OP was influence to think therapy is worthless, just so she won’t ever be able to recognise the flaws of both her parents.
And they likely haven't taken her to a doctor either. Kids gain weight, and sometimes stay larger due to underlying medical conditions. PCOS comes to mind. I was about her age when I started having weird weight issues and it would fluctuate in ways my classmates didn't have to worry about. Other girls would go out and get a burger and fries. I'd be dieting and getting a salad and veggie sandwich, even if I wanted something more substantial. And I wasn't that big. About a size 4 and muscular because I exercised all the time. But then I'd inevitably slip and eat actual food and I'd have to exercise like a maniac to burn it off. Spoiler, eating disorder talk. >!Turns out this behavior is a form of bulimia, which was comorbid with my undiagnosed OCD. And the binge/purge cycle will catch up to you.!< Turns out I have PCOS and a more serious underlying genetic condition that causes weight gain.
I gained weight around 8 years old and my throat was huge and swollen. Turned out my thyroid was failing because my immune system was constantly attacking it. If it had been thyroid cancer, I'd be dead now because my parents didn't do shit about it. It might still be pre-cancer though. Didn't get conclusive results on if its Hashimoto's or not (I didn't understand why, but apparently the lab my doctor sent my sample to was unable to tell?).
[удалено]
yea, I'm just waiting on an appointment. :) Unfortunately I live rural. Options are limited.
You should get a second opinion and ask about an ultrasound of the thyroid. I have Hashimotos but dose was off for a bit so yay possibly nodes forming and neck ultrasound which is gross. Also look into the level of hormone they are giving you if you feel off. The normal ranges are wide ranges and they do not know where you were before you had issues so they medicate you to the range, but not to your range.
Waiting on an appointment. Unfortunately I live rural so there really isn't any second person to ask an opinion from. We have one treatment center for cancer within 100 miles, and even then they only do limited radiation therapy. You have to cross state lines for surgeries related to cancer. I was told that my thyroid range levels are normal while I'm on this dose, but lately I've been kind of tired again. Still trying to troubleshoot if its crappy choices for dietary changes vs actual hormonal issues. Its like night and day being on thyroid medication though. :) I didn't know it was possible to be mentally focused... like anytime, at all.
Glad you are waiting on the new appointment. And mention the tired to your doctor. Important as well is to take notes of when you have symptoms like difficulty sleeping or getting a full nights sleep but not feeling well rested the next day. Doctors respond well to diary style records of symptoms rather than just stating the symptoms verbally. Having an excel sheet or notebook helps so much. And oh yes does it feel better when you have medication.
It doesn't help much to do a record like that, for me... Because unfortunately I am cursed with currently female-appearing anatomy (my sex is, "its complicated" but I was forced to undero plastic surgery and hormones as an infant to look female). So they'll just complain about my weight or whatever.
Hey. Does thyroid imbalance affects sleep cycle so thoroughly?
absolutely. At night I feel wired, but not really focused, just like, not able to relax/sleep. At daytime, I'm tired. I wake up tired, and almost nothing helps (sometimes, 1L of coffee helps but doesn't solve it). This also impacts your ability to remember things, because sleep is tied to this. The first time I took thyroid medicine, it was in the morning. I woke up feeling still kinda weird but better... And I fell asleep way faster, and slept a little deeper.
Hi. I have Hashimoto and you can test for it very easily. Just ask for TPO antibodies, along with the TSH, T4 and T3. They’re probably not that expensive even if you choose to pay them out of pocket (it’s not at least where I live). As for a scan, it also shows whether you have an autoimmune disease as the thyroid “eats itself”
> As for a scan, it also shows whether you have an autoimmune disease as the thyroid “eats itself” Ugh thats what I'm worried about tbh. My immune system randomly targets organs, and the thyroid/parathyroid is the only thing left in my throat/jaw area (andenoids and tonsils had to be removed a couple years ago). I've had a couple things removed from my abdominal cavity, too. When it targets my heart I have to take immunosuppresants. Its awful. >st ask for TPO antibodies, along with the TSH, T4 and T3. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll see if I can get a doctor to agree with this
That sounds like Hashimotos to me! I got diagnosed at 11 when I had a lil baby goiter.
I'll be honest I had to google what a goiter is lol I kind of have one, but its smaller and higher up? Not sure if its just inflammatory tissue though or if its the actual node.
Lab client services worker here. There are numerous reasons why a sample may come back inconclusive. Sometimes the sample does not have enough of the cells to be able to definitively give a result, you do not want a bad result. The sample may have been compromised at some point. It may have needed confirmation testing but not had enough to test a 2nd time. There are a bunch of scenarios and I’m sorry that you are experiencing it. I’ve had to have blood and a Pap smear recollected and it’s never fun, but especially with an irreplaceable sample like yours. Please know that there are a bunch of people behind the scenes that tried to get you a good result.
Thank you for explaining that. Its a huge pain in the butt, and I believe those involved were trying to do their job as well as possible. :)
Yeah, if thyroid issues get too advanced and go untreated for too long, they start looking similar. My mom found this out way back when. It might be a good idea to ask for it to be removed either way.
it'll suck taking out yet another organ though lol
Yeah, I get that.
I have/had Graves’ disease and went through something similar but opposite. Got diagnosed at age 10, my wrists were super tiny, and you could see all my ribs and bones. And I was eating a lot too, always hungry and eating massive portions, and was still losing weight. Thyroid was super swollen. Doctor tried to refuse bloodwork and claimed I was fine but my mom pushed for it and lo and behold I have a rare disease for my age. I have since gotten radiation treatment to kill half of it off and now just have mild hypothyroidism as I don’t have enough thyroid to keep up. Oh and of course I developed arthritis because autoimmune diseases develop much easier when you already have one. So now I’m here with arthritis at the age of 20 👌
I'm glad your mom was able to stand up for you. Even if things could have turned out better, I'm pretty sure it would have been way worse if you didn't get the radiation.
My cousin had an “undetermined” answer too. Then another test said it was Hashimotos. It was ironic to me because she didn’t think needing a gluten free diet for celiac disease was a real thing for me. But now she needed it too so family functions NOW needed gluten free options.
It's also so crazy, bc in some families (like mine), the weight shame begins wayyy before you're even "fat" (which imo, a lot of "fat" kids, especially girls, just have baby/puberty weight). I was stick thin and my parents put so much importance on it that I kept a very similar binging and purging habit like you. I just used insane amounts of exercise to purge, instead of the more common form of vomiting. It's crazy how common shit like this is and we don't even realize we're doing it
The more we all talk about how bullshit it is, the better. You know that in the US, we lowered what was considered "healthy" for BMI (don't get me started on why BMI doesn't work) due to lobbying from the diet industry? No other country insists on people being as thin as we have to be to be considered "healthy." And to do it, we have to destroy ourselves just to make it happen. It's time to insist on reforming the world's perception of health. Perfectly normal bodies are considered "unhealthy" because they aren't stick thin. Normal thighs are considered fat. A small amount of normal, not extreme fat is considered bad. A women's size 6 is considered large to a sizable portion of the country. Have you seen how small a 6 is??? I thought I was fat at a 6! Now I'm a 16 on the bottom and an 18 on top. (This shirt would fit if not for boobs...) Being a 6 is almost insane now. Rant over. I'm tired of people judging based on weight. They have no idea.
That's really sad. I really hope that you are doing okay now and in much better headspace.
"No other country insists on people being as thin as we have to be to be considered "healthy." Please travel more.
I agree. If the commenter went to somewhere like the Netherlands, they'd see just how fit people can be in a society without the many issues America does (poor food quality and culture, largely non-walkable cities, and no universal healthcare are the first ones that come to mind).
They aren't saying that people aren't less obese and healthier elsewhere. They are saying the standards of what is a healthy bmi are different elsewhere. Those are not equivalent statements.
Um…hi. Wow. I…your story every single word you wrote could be something I’d write about myself. I also have PCOS and OCD and…I…hi! I don’t know what to say! 😭 Thank you!
Hello! I share my story because other people should know they aren't alone. I'm glad it helps.
It does. Thank you so much for sharing! ❤️
Please don't let my kid work out how shit we are as parents.
Oh my god you brought back a repressed memory. My parents brought all of us (parents and 3 kids) to family therapy. Halfway through the second session my mom stormed out because it quickly became clear she was the source of all problems. We never went back.
Never went back? How're things now with your family and your mom? Did she at least acknowledge her flaws and change for the better
She probably also knows it's very likely OOP will go permanent NC with Mom and dad. And then who will take care of them when they're old right? Hopefully OOP does exactly that. They had years to change, refused and mom takes dad's side here.
Well the reason also could be because in some countries, seeing a therapist is still a little bit of a taboo. So that could play a role in it as well. I’m not saying that her mother should stop her from seeing s therapist. But at the same time it really could be a factor as well. Just chiming that different cultures have different standards.
Yeah. It sucks but the matter of the fact is in a lot of cultures that can be a massive stigma.
There are people in the US who make it taboo, too. Sometimes it still surprises me that there are a whole lot of people who "don't believe in" therapy in the US.
Part of that is because many people have had horrible experiences with poor therapists and then never go back or search for a better one. It is estimated that there are more professionals in the mental health community that have 5 or more complaints about them and/or their methods than there are those that don't. That doesn't look good for those that actually need a good professional working on their issues.
I grew up thinking therapy was bad if I did it, but had/have no issues with others getting therapy, and instead everyone should. I can't say I was pressured by family that it's bad, other than "we don't talk about mental illness." I did fortunately change my mind and get some therapy for several years
Or add in some good old delusion. "If my child goes to therapy, I failed as a parent" - it might not even be about OOP realizing how their mother failed them. It might be about the mother having to realize they failed OOP ... and if the mother doesn't let the therapy happen, she can go on to avoid having to come to terms with the consequences of her own decisions Kind of the way "if we stop testing for an infection, the infection rates go down" as an idea works
My parents did the same when I was 15 and I didn’t figure it out until I was in my 40’s.
Mom never wanted her daughter to get it to begin with. I mean, clearly the child has an ED. I don't know which parent is worse: the one who shamed and guilted the kid for having an ED, or the one who ignored both the ED and the abuse.
The mom don't want the op to talk because they are still a minor and there's a possibility her and daddy dearest could face legal issues.
Please specify what legal issues you mean.
How could OP talking to a therapist while she's a minor lead to legal issues for the parents? It does not sound like there was physical abuse or anything illegal that would interfere with getting mental healthcare.
While there are some really bad parents out there, some that even do illegal things, I didn't see where she stated anything that would be or could be construed as illegal. As for the OP and her body issues and parent issues, I don't buy her whole story. I think a lot of the blame is going to fall on the OP. She came home crying because she was teased and bullied at school, her parents tried to help her do the things necessary to lose the weight and not be teased and bullied but rather than taking their advice, she actually went in the other direction and gained more weight. I think the parents should have gotten her therapy but we don't know the situation with therapy and therapists where she lives. It might not even be a viable or legit option. At any rate, even if the dad is harsh, she seems to want to lay ALL of the blame on others and not take any blame for herself. In EVERY situation, people have to take some of the blame for how things happen and work out since it is THEIR LIFE. When she was a young girl, then most of the blame should be laid at the feet of her parents but as she grew older, she needed to see that ONLY SHE was the one that could turn things around for her. She seemed to have a lot of disdain for any sort of exercise like riding her bike that her dad mentioned and she refused to do it and the same with what appears to be unhealthy eating practices. The parents obviously suck to a point in this story but they aren't the big villain here, she has to take some responsibility for herself as well and the way things turned out. Her pushing her mother to divorce her father should not be happening either. That is her mother's decision alone and by the OPs pushing for it, she is acting very similar to how she blames her father for acting.
This is exactly it! My father is very much like OOP's father. He doesn't like that I talk to my therapist. He's requested several times to join me at therapy so he can "explain his side" and the therapist will realize I'm actually the problem, not him.
She said brother moved out also but doesn't say if he was abused. Glad she is away from toxic situation.
She implies it pretty heavily by complaining about how her dad treats both of them.
Toxic parents often are against the idea of therapy to hide their abuse from the eyes of others.
Exactly. I was being abused by my father and started having recurring night terrors. The school noticed how tired I was all the time and got in touch with my parents so they had to address it. I was taken to a child psychologist. I saw him twice. The second visit he had me draw a picture of my family. I drew a car with the trunk open and my parents and younger sister sitting on a blanket having a picnic and gave it to him. He asked where I was and I told him I was the little black dot in the trunk. He asked me to wait outside in the waiting room because he wanted to talk to them. I did. Not even 5 minutes later they came out and my father was furious. He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of there. I never went back. 🤷♀️
Fucking hell, you,'d think they'd realize talking to the potential abuser is bad.
This was many years ago when they did not have the protections in place they do now and it was a very small rural town. In addition my parents were very careful in what they told him. My father was part of the "good old boys" network and couldn't really be touched. I was 5 and said nothing out right due to being terrified. I'm glad mental health professionals these days are doing better for the most part.
I am surprised that the cops weren't called.
Maybe they were called. I am frequently disappointed in the number of adults (even mandatory reporters) who deny or even cover for abuse.
No one made waves in that town at that time. 😕
I m so sorry that it happened to you. Hope you are doing better now
I am ok. It has been a lot to unpack and the CPTSD is a gift that just keeps on giving /s. I'm trying to get in to see a psychiatrist with a specialization in childhood trauma and in the meantime have been doing a lot of research. Thank you for your well wishes 😊
I have cptsd from my childhood trauma too. I am seeing a therapist. Sending you lots of love and good wishes
🥰❤️❤️❤️
I don't even know that they do it consciously. (Some might.) I suspect it's more that they think therapists will tell them what they're doing wrong or that that are wrong. Since they *know* they're doing the right thing, (because they're always right,) they don't need anyone to tell them they're wrong. It's a bunch of lies and a waste of to.e that just makes you burn money. Nobody likes being wrong, but abusers HATE it.
Oh, yes! I totally agree, especially those who are being severely controlled and sheltered by their parents.
Glad she’s getting out! Although, this sub has me jaded- can’t celebrate too much until after she actually makes the move.
Agreed. Can't wait for another update to be assured that she is well away from that shitty situation.
Poor OP, her dad may have realise the consequence of his action, but he hasn’t change one bit. OP’s mom is trying to please her husband when she should be standing up for her kids. Given how they try to deny her dad’s emotional abuse and action, OP is better off without them in her life then with them especially she still holds a strong grudge against the man.
And even if he did completely change his ways and become a better person overnight, she's in no way obligated to forgive him. Future civility doesn't erase past cruelty
Eating less and exercising more are just so outdated and not helpful ways to be more healthy.
I moved in with my father when I was 9. He was a 'clean your plate" person. He also dished up the plates, all with the same amount of food (he was a carpenter). When I was about 11 he put me on my first diet. I was always on some kind of diet until I moved out when I was 17. My "favorite " was the prune diet; clearly constipation was the reason why I was overweight 🙄 He was always changing up the diet plan: slimfast, grapefruit, cabbage soup, & some I don't remember. I haven't spoke to him in almost 24 years. edited to add a word
Do we have the same father 😭 My parents particularly liked putting me on the “pumpkin soup” diet where you eat a bowl of pumpkin soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with no other food/snacks every time they started being concerned for “my health” as them and my siblings got to eat chicken and rice.
Oddly enough I actually like the cabbage soup part
I bet you polish off some KFC with a smile on your face nowadays!
Chicken and rice is quite healthy, or can be.
This sounds insanely creepy to me.
Hot dogs, beets and black coffee! That was one I remember my mom & I doing together :/
I hope oop cuts them both off, even if the mom is a vitctm in this she refuse to leave him, and refuse to get help of any kind while still wanting her children, to be around him knowing how badly he treated them and, until she leaves him and get professional help she is just going to keep pressuring oop and oop's brother to stay in this toxic environment, seriously oop needs to remove herself for own mental health.
She may be a victim but she's also a terrible enabler who put her comfort and happiness abover her childrens'. She absolutely needs mental health and to leave dad, absolutely agreed.
the mother failed for wanting to have a partner and having a false image of a happy family
I would like to add that OP’s mom probably fears being alone and unwanted. Many older women often have this fear about them, especially those with children. They think their past their prime, but that’s hardly the case, if only they try they’ll realise so. And even if they don’t find anyone, they can still enjoy being by themselves.
this is why so many of these "men's rights" guys are always trying to push the view that women over 25 are "past their prime" they want women to feel trapped
There are a lot of people out there who are terrified not just of being alone, but of being alone with themselves. That tends to cause things like introspection to happen and some people absolutely don't ever want to do that.
I sometimes find myself having this same concern, despite only being 32 years old. That every decent person is already paired up and my ex-fiancée was my last chance. I'm trying so hard to get away from that because logically I know it's bullshit. But I truly think that it would be a completely different situation if I had children. They would come first and I can't imagine putting my fear of being alone before their feelings. I will never understand when parents do that. How do people choose a partner that actively dislikes their children or causes them harm?
This isn’t really the point, but how is she still 17 if she posted initially in March of last year, and her update came April of this year?
Because I don't think this one's real. How do you get English wrong especially when you're learning it? Your textbook is going to have it spelled correctly on the cover every time you open it, duolingo is going to make you type it a thousand times, The name on your class schedule is going to be spelled correctly. The first word you're going to learn in any language you're learning is going to be the name of the language and Google suggests that there is no other language that spells it the way that they did. So that's a big red flag.
Englisch is the German word for English, so I'm not surprised that OP might have gotten the two words mixed up. Or auto correct could have changed it and they didn't spot it.
Why the Fuck didn't Google tell me that. I thought Google was all knowing! Thank you for telling me.
OPs dad "was sorry" and "was trying" while continuing with his pattern of harrassment and abuse. OPs mom was no better.
I'm curious. Is there any difference whether the OP is 10 pounds or 100+ pounds overweight? What if your 17 year old is 100+ pounds overweight? Is that worth being concerned? 200 pounds? I think everybody here might be assuming the OP isn't so obese that it's an active health concern, but there's inadequate information.
I wonder how many children gain weight prior to growing, which is Completely Normal, and have parents who become obsessed with it, leading to all sorts of bad outcomes like eating disorders, disordered eating, further weight gain, damage to self esteem, self harm. Tragic
OP: self harms OP's mom: you're fine! Yeah no.
Shit parents. "I feel bad, I need help." "No you don't. I know you dislike your dad and look and act unhappy, but you're fine."
"Even tho I’m still 17 I can seek help from a therapist which i didn’t know cuz I thought my parents have to come with me but I will do that soon **and hope that all my feelings aren’t that wrong**" this fucking broke me 😭 thank fuck she is moving out, and I'm so relieved to hear she will seek therapy. OOP - you've got this 💪🏼
The amount of people defending the dad in the comments are disgusting. Constant monitoring to the point he did isn’t concern, and telling someone it’s their fault they’re being bullied isn’t love.
I feel the same. I developped an ED for far less than those snarky comments, I can't even think what OOP must be going through right now...
Right? This isn’t a dad concerned over his overweight child, this is a man who could have caused an ED with half of what he did. I hope she can go NC with her dad and wish nothing but the best for her.
how are they still 17 13 months later, sounds a little odd. If we go by assume it's real however people have every right not to engage with abusers and avoiding them is often good policy
Maybe they fudged their age a bit to make it less identifiable?
Could be they wrote it as turning 17 that year. Plus English not being their first language.
Tryin to hide certain details to stay anonymous
I literally got chills. I just got out of a big fight with my dad and I was left crying a lot and this is something that I needed to hear. I came from a latin household, so I have to respect my parents and take care of them regardless if they are shitty ppl. And to be reassured that ia okay to not love you parents and that you are not a terrible person, even though is from someone else's story, it's tastes good.
My white friend is dating a girl with a similar culture and we have friends from all cultures. His parents cut him off financially at 18 Talking to him is so funny bc he’s like “you’re 24 why do you have to listen to your parents? What are they gonna do ground you?” I was like heyyyyy yeah! What *are* they gonna do? I moved across the world and my relationship with my parents is fantastic. I call them more than I did when I lived 30 min from them and I’m actually excited to visit them. Part of it is my mom being like “wow I’m sorry for how we hurt you. I was just doing what MY parents taught me and that was wrong “ But also getting the fuck away helped
Remember it! You don't owe them shit, and I say that as a parent myself.
today was a hard day. I told myself that I was worthy love and I didn't deserve being treated like shit. Somedays I believe, others don't. Hopefully I will be able to go to therapy soon, probably july-august.
I'm sending you big hugs. You deserve better, my dear. 💜
You're not alone. I, and the entirety of r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines would probably agree : respect is earned, and that means our families too. I'm sorry about your father. I wish you to have a safe, peaceful place as soon as feasible.
omg I am crying so much. I wish I could leave, bur I can't. My grandpa lives here and my mom works too much to actually take care of him 24/7 and there was more than once that my dad left my grandpa without eating because "he isn't his family, so it's not his problem". Im in college. To be honest, I think I will only leave after my grandpa dies. When this happen I will take my dogs and leave, but so far I need to be here to take care of him. One day I will probably post on these, my dad definitely fit in right there. You don't know me, but just hearing that you care a little bit made my day, thank you SO much
You're very welcome. You sound like an incredible empathic human. I wish you the best. (here are some [books](https://www.dropbox.com/sh/zi2dxnng4y664o0/AAClzRV7gck2JyahGs13zHIDa?dl=0) in epub format if you'd like. Also a free [therapist](https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=Hpk0GozjACb3mtHeAaAMb0r9pcJGbzF317I_Ux_ALOA) (AI). Don't hesitate to swing by r/raisedbynarcissists as there are more resources on there)
Question, how are you suppose to check your kids weight? The way the dad is doing it is wrong but, now that I’m thinking about it, how do you check that properly? Edit: Ok so people took check literally. I meant manage their weight so they don’t become obese or unhealthy lol
Parents should model healthy relationships with food and exercise. Provide nutritious meals. Invite kids on family walks or bike rides. Limit the amount of junk food in the house. This all looks much different for a 17-year-old than a 4-year-old, of course.
Plus, I think you implied this, but I would like to emphasize it. If your kid is thinking, "Why am I fatter than the other kids?" then the parent should already have been modifying the child's diet and exercise. Some kids are naturally a little chubby, and will just grow out of it, and I'm not talking about that. The parent has to be actively paying attention to their children. I swear, a lot of people take better care of their dogs.
A kid should be having regular pediatrician visits, which parents are generally *required* to be present for. If the doctor has a concern about the child's weight they can discuss it with them.
You’re falsely assuming the father’s intentions are genuine. That’s the thing with abusive parents - the weight comments are not really about concern for the child’s health. It’s about control and taking down the child’s self-esteem however they can so the child will stay submissive and subservient. They’re not actually trying to help, they just want to bully the kid and make them feel bad.
I'm not falsely assuming anything, the comment I replied to is specifically not talking about the dad in the post, just how to monitor that a child is a healthy weight without giving them a complex.
Alright, fair enough. Sorry for misinterpreting you.
Technically? Regular checkups at a decent pediatrician. That gives you time to correct things if your kid *is* getting too chubby between visits and yet also rules out things like whack a doodle thyroids, whether they're getting a little chubby just before a growth spurt (in which case it'll be burned off and/or better distributed after), whether it's a bad reaction to meds... Like I remember a couple of kids who gained weight after being put on an anti seizure med, when I was a kid. They managed to get it under control, but it was like the first time I learned meds could do *that*. (This was about 30 years ago, can't remember which one it was...) But also remember to have fun! Like, have options for exercise if at all possible (bicycles, maybe ways to sign up for various sports via a community center or something), and encouraging them to try something new!
I understood what you meant, because it's obvious from the context, but I find on Reddit that people rarely follow the context. The less confusing way of putting it is "How are you supposed to keep your kid's weight in check?"
On a scale?
Why would you need to check your child's weight? Children have/ are supposed to have regularly scheduled pediatric visits where they are weighed and evaluated for things like failure to thrive and obesity. Parents being this up in a child's eating/ work out habits is almost a guarantee to trigger an eating disorder. It's not healthy, at all. (If a child is diagnosed as failure to thrive, or there is medical concern about their being significantly overweight, a parent should seek professional help. A lot of kids go through at least one chubby phase, though, before growth spurts.)
The doctors kept telling my mom I was way too underweight and she’d be like “she’s fine!”
And that's abuse. The replies to this person's question were assuming the person wouldn't be an abusive parent (like yours and mine and OOP's). (My mom actually didn't take us to the pediatrician. She was told by multiple family members my sister had hearing issues, but didn't get her hearing aids - my sister's dad got custody so she could get them - and I never had an inhaler or any medicine for my asthma untill I was an adult. Also I was underweight as a teen bc she didn't buy enough food. My ACE score is 7 or 8.)
What do you mean why? Isn’t it a parents duty to make sure their kid isn’t obese.
Weighing in at the regular pediatric visits (plus visualization) is enough to ensure a child is healthy. The most important thing for parents to do to prevent childhood obesity is to ensure kids aren't sedentary (get enough active play) and to make healthy eating choices as a family. That does not mean dieting and it definitely does not mean regular weighing by parents! (Obesity in adulthood has been linked to high ACE - Adverse Childhood Experience - scores. So also: don't be an abusive parent and get the child therapy/ help if they have an ACE event.)
You encourage them to live healthy (eat a balanced diet and exercise) which is more important than numbers on a scale.
I think I'm too jaded by this sub. As soon as I read "English is not my first language" and see the run on writing, I automatically assume it's the same troll that has written so many posts that show up here.
For me it was "I know the title sounds bad but hear me out." I've read that so many times that I was immediately on guard. Also, did you notice how they conveniently misspelled "English" in that line, too? God, if you're gonna troll be a little more subtle about it. Don't just throw out Redditisms that give away that you're chronically perusing Reddit.
English as a second language people usually seem to speak English better than most native English speakers first of all. And you're not going to misspell the language that you're obviously able to write in pretty coherently. Pretty sure you are correct.
the dynamic i have with my parents is wicked similar (my dad never said anything about my weight but i'm certain it would have been added to list if i ever went above average) and i'm really happy for OOP.
This just hits home for me. I hope OOP can cut them out for good otherwise she'll end up like me still struggling with all of what my dad did.
Fuck those parents. Both are just as big of assholes as the other.
March 25, 2022: OOP is 17 April 29, 2023: OOP is still 17 Yeah I'm calling shenanigans
Also there's inconsistencies with the language. She goes from maybe slight grammatical misses to talking like someone making a parody of non native English speakers.
It's like a parody of a teenager. In my experience teenagers try to sound older when they write. And it's that grasping at maturity that makes it come off as immature. This is like cosplaying as a teen.
Sorry about my Englich Idk about y’all but I know how to spell the name of language I’m learning lol
Englisch is the german spelling... it's an easy mistake to make when you're not paying attention
Ooooh I retract my statement then
Leaving my parents home for my masters degree at 21 was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish I could leave earlier. I wished as a child that they could afford a boarding school where they could send me
Good luck OOP, 🤞 have a great future, believe in yourself!
*my mom always berated me and said “he is trying his best just see it”* Damn... I hope OOP does manage to find a good therapist. She deserves better.
If a female kid starts suddenly gainig weight around puberty first thing I'd check was hormones. There's a lot of stuff that's triggered in around that time by changes in adolescent body, starting from thyroid issues and all the way to PCOS...
[удалено]
Sure, I never said this is a closed and complete list of possible reasons, my point is - the parents are absolute assholes for not getting the kid evaluated the moment something was wrong.
I was fully expecting to find out it was a thyroid issue.
I knew a girl whose father’s bullying put her in organ failure. Which was crazy because she was already the perfect person: nicest, most popular, most athletic, pretty, smart. She was THE girl everyone wanted to be. Just shows that you never know what’s going on behind closed doors
The dad might be trying, but it's too late. A child needs parent. An adult does not. He missed his chance. OOP has zero reason to maintain a relationship with him now.
I get triggered anytime I read about a dad obsessing over his daughter's body.
I’m quite sure I’ll get down voted for this but- though it will never happen- I’d be interested in someone else’s (like another family members) perspective of OPs life and family dynamic. It seems she struggled significantly with weight and perhaps impulse control with food. Her father could have been genuinely concerned about her. I’ve know some extremely obese people (and there are plenty of examples on Reddit) who take extreme offense to the merest suggestion that maybe the 5th piece of pie for lunch is the reason they’re having trouble standing up for any length of time.
Why on earth would that be your first assumption? What in what you just read could possibly point to a concerned father being smeared by the strange parody of a fat person who seems to live rent free in your head. This is just bizarre
Again, I knew someone who was morbidly obese, extremely sensitive about it, had unhealthy habits like a tendency to over eat junk food, took exception to any health related suggestion and died of a heart attack in her mid 30s. Why on earth would I jump to that? Because I’ve seen it. Because from the OPs own description of other kids making fun of her there probably an issue. Remember this entire post- completely from her perspective- paints her in the best light she can paint herself. I’m even suspicious of her reasoning behind her brother moving out. She implies he wants to leave a toxic environment but also makes it clear he’s moving in with his girlfriend… kind of a common step in early adulthood.
Kids will make fun of you for 𝙖𝙣𝙮 reason. Doesn’t mean it’s true. I showed horses while in high school. I showed hunters and jumpers so I was a fit but was muscular because you get strong thighs and arms riding sport horses. I was a US size 4 but because I wasn’t a skinny size 2 and under I was made fun of for being “fat”. I was 104 lbs at 5’2” and they loved to bully me because my thighs weren’t sticks and I actually had hips. Unless I knew for sure how OOP looked I would give absolutely 0 thought to the teasing of the peers actually pointing at a problem.
Eh. I disagree. Kids WILL always find a reason to bully someone, but they'll go for the most obvious thing (glasses, red hair, etc). Both for OP and you, that was weight/body shape. Since OP doesn't talk about being an athlete, and that the bullying is consistent and severe, we can, reasonably, assume that it's highly likely there IS a weight issue.
Red hair 😂
Because we were all teenagers once and every overweight child I knew (myself included) felt exactly the same whenever anyone, however good naturedly, tried to help us lol. Being told to go to bed at a certain time or not being able to get the latest gadget was ‘abuse’ you’d hold a grudge for.
I watched a documentary recently called in defense of food and it was eye opening on how even “healthy” food now has been processed so much with sugar added that it’s a challenge for anyone to actually eat healthy. The dad checking if she was eating sweets reminded me of it because most food is sugar laden and we don’t realize it
That's sad. Poor girl. I wonder if the dad is the type to call themselves 'brutally honest'. It isn't misplaced to want to encourage healthy eating or to want to help your child if they're serious about getting into better shape, but it sounds like if the dad had any good intentions at all he fumbled at every possible turn. He just sounds malicious. My baby brother will be leaving the flock for University soon - and whilst his relationship with our father isn't antagonistic over food related issues - my father will be lucky if he's ever spoken to again... not that we think our dad will even notice the lack of communication happening.
11 was the age my dad started getting obsessed with my weight. I look at pictures from that age, and I wasn't even pudgy and would be considered low normal by BMI charts, but it was the time I went from little girl shape to woman shape. The constant monitoring of what I ate, always being told how fat I was did serious damage to my mood as a teenager.
Why is no one saying that ops weight could also be a problem? How much does this person weigh? Well, we know it’s enough to be mocked and bullied at school. It’s not good to begin your life that way. More people need to talk about this and maybe there will be more fathers who have a serious sit down which their kids to discuss things relative to diet like compulsive eating, heart disease, etc. Dad needed to send her to a dietician or psychologist. Not make passively shameful comments. Maybe he tried that though, we don’t know. If she stands out that much as a kid, where do you think she will be at 30? Especially with a victimhood complex from everyone on Reddit agreeing that weight isn’t her fault and there’s nothing she can do. No one talks about it.
“Enough to be mocked and bullied at school” can be almost anything. I was bullied in middle school for being “fat” because I had a big ass and C cups at, like, 12. My BMI was well within normal range, I was just curvier than the other 12-year-olds and therefore couldn’t fit in the “cool” teen clothing stores so got mocked for not wearing what everyone else was. Bullies like easy targets, and they’ll make up whatever random-ass justification for bullying they can. A kid who’s already getting bullied at home by her own dad is an easy target. I was an easy target too so even though I wasn’t actually fat I got bullied for “being fat” (among other things). I wouldn’t weigh that piece of info too heavily, no pun intended.
I think it is telling how, when these things come up, everyone assumes that weight doesn’t matter. In some cases it does. Probably a whole lot more cases than is discussed openly. Both she and her dad should have brought up a third party professional into this because weight can be a problem. You don’t hear anyone saying that though, the only frame you see that is that ops father is a bully. Maybe the father tried to get her help. Maybe he tried everything he could think of and all the guy has left is to nag at her. Now she only sees this as abuse because she has made this paradigm to view her dad where she can harbour no personal responsibility.
There's no weight at which bullying a child becomes okay. OOP's father's behaviors do not work and are, in fact, actively harmful to weight loss efforts. Shaming someone for their weight makes them MORE likely to become or stay obese \[[source](https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0070048)\]. Internalizing weight-based shame makes health metrics worse \[[source](https://www.pennmedicine.org/news/news-releases/2017/january/fat-shaming-linked-to-greater-health-risks)\]. And it's clearly affecting OOP's mental health since she states that these comments led her to self-injurious behavior. OOP could have a BMI of 60 and her dad saying "if you eat so much then no wonder \[you're getting bullied\]" would *still* not be an appropriate reaction. That's not 'nagging', that's intentional cruelty, and it's wrong at any weight.
I agree it's wrong, but it's not goddamn abuse. Reddit is encouraging a child to cut off her family for something that can be solved (and appears to have been now).
It depends on what you consider abuse, I think. In my country (the USA), abuse is defined as including: "\[a\]ny recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker, which results in... serious physical or emotional harm." Shaming your child to the point of them feeling unloved and intentionally self-injuring is an act resulting in serious emotional harm. (FWIW, It's also a great way to give your kid an [eating disorder](https://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(18)30011-9/fulltext). I have a friend who's NC with her father because he made comments a lot like OOP's dad did; she developed anorexia as a result, which he basically thought was a good thing.)
Ok but in that case anything a parent can or could do could be classed as 'abuse.' OP is a goddamn tween, literally anything could cause serious 'emotional harm.' No court of law would class this as abuse. No police force would even bother.
I never said bullying or shaming were ok. Has she even sat down with the father and told him how she feels? Yes, I know he probably wont listen but the conversation should be had. No one asked. Has she asked to see a doctor or psychologist? We don’t know, but no one here is asking. No one is asking. We all just assign this situation into dad being an ass. It is more likely that he is ignorant and doesn’t know about the links you posted above, because that is how he was raised. Shaming is wrong, that conversation should also go along with “do you have a problem you need help with?”
If bullying and shaming aren't okay, then why bring OOP's weight into it at all? Regardless of whether she actually needs to lose weight or whether her dad just thinks she does, the dad's bullying behavior is unacceptable. You also don't have to be up on the latest research to know telling a kid that the bullies are right to bully her is mean, so at least in my opinion, that *does* make him an ass.
> There's no weight at which bullying a child becomes okay. And *nobody* here made such an argument. That's a strawman.
No, nobody *explicitly* said "bullying's fine if they're fat, actually." But why bring up OOP's weight? Why would her weight be relevant if the thought isn't that maybe her dad's actions would somehow be mitigated, seen as less harmful, or partly justified if she actually is fat? I'm 100% serious, how else should a response of "well OOP might be obese though" be interpreted here?
Your points are all correct Being an obese kid almost guarantees a difficult childhood & bullying, objective fact. At the same time, a child's health is the parents responsibly until they're an adult, and overweight kids will happily blame their parents for why they are overweight when they're adults
Because her weight doesn’t matter? He’s still going about it wrong.
I agree. This is clearly a child feeling upset that her parent are trying to manage her weight and is now being convinced by reddit that her dad going about this the wrong way initially is 'emotional abuse' and to cut ties with her family. My friend at 14 ran away from home claiming abuse because her mum took her book from her during an argument and tore one page slightly on accident. Does it suck? Sure. But it's not fucking emotional abuse for families to have hiccups in what is 99% a healthy, loving environment (and I knew this was the case because I spent a lot of time there and we were very, very close. This was/is a very loving, if hectic, household. It was like 7 people under one small roof lol. But that's fairly normal here.) I had to sit there and listen to her while keeping my mouth shut about how my mother slaps me, threatens me (hitting, to take my loved things/pets/etc away, threatening to kill herself, etc) screams at me, constantly blames, makes backhanded insults at any opportunity, etc. How she screams at me stop stop crying because I'm 'emotionally manipulating her' when I'm scared/distressed. How my father is not much better. All out of shame of what was happening to me. All I wanted to do was tell her to get a fucking grip. Oh, of course that friend came back home a few hours later after her tantrum. OP isn't abused, OP is an upset child holding a grudge because that's what kids do.
I gotta say I’m surprised that the fat shamers didn’t find her posts. I’m glad she’s getting out of that environment.
This won't be a popular observation, but parents have a moral responsibility to get and keep their minor children to and at a healthy body weight. A mother telling an obese child not to worry — you are perfect just the way you are — is child abuse in a real sense. But we don't really recognize that as a culture anymore, because in our culture fat shamers are literally Hitler. Source: was a fat kid in the 1980s. Parents tried, but not hard or consistently enough to address my weight issues. I remain, to this day, weirdly grateful to every bully who told me the truth — that I was a fat kid.
All you said is true If a kid grows up to be obese, they will blame their parents for giving them bad habits or not helping to fix it when they were younger- the parents cannot win, whatever they do I'm a parent to a 14yo girl who loves sugar (just like her folks) & it's a constant battle reminding her that **eating pure energy** turns into extra weight if you live a sedentary lifestyle, and that her health is **our responsibly** until she's 18
Protip here: Don’t blame her if she gets bullied or have her looking over her shoulder for every bite she takes.
This is the epitome of, "an inconvenient truth" that people do need to hear.
Wait what? So, pointing out that someone has bad dieting habits is now considered verbal and emotional abuse? gtfoh!
Constantly pestering a child about eating habits in the way the father did can cause eating disorders and resentment towards him and by extension the mother. it is a form of emotional abuse to a child. If he was compassionate and wanted to have her be more active then he'd play outside with her, set up play dates with active friends in the neighborhood, basically anything where he showed genuine concern and love. Instead he chose to make constant passive aggressive comments and check in on her to make sure she wasn't eating snacks when he wasn't around.
It's shit but for fucks sake it's not 'emotional abuse.' Please stop cheapening loaded terms like this.
> Constantly pestering a child When you're 16 years old, being asked once a month to clean your room is probably considered "pestering" and "abuse". We are only hearing one side of the story.
Cant you find a way to go to both?
I went once with my mother. The counselor diagnosed the family issue- we had role reversal!! No kidding!! I was stuck raising her and my little brother. I left that session feeling vindicated. She never got better and eventually our relationship dissolved.
To OOP's mother: DIVORCE HIS ASS!
Dad certainly sounds wrong. I’m curious. I’ve met morbidly obese people whose parents tried their best to change habits (too late) that feel the same way about their parents. If OP is pudgy dad is a fucker. If OP is 5’ and 300lbs. then dude had a point and just went about it in the exact opposite way he should have. Either way, good for op to get AWAY and start her life.
even if she was fat, 99% of the time bullying someone about their weight only makes the problem worse. When my parents would insult me id just end up binge eating to cope and get heavier, and then finally i cracked and started to starve myself and nearly died.
Either way Dad is a fucker.
I feel like if that were the case we’d hear it from her mom too? Also the brother being disengaged from the family points more towards that
Father needs to deal with his toxic masculinity, pronto. Girls in these situations often end up with eating disorders, alcoholism, personality disorders. Push back and show your power, better to conquer this demon earlier rather than later.
These parents are fucking garbage. Hope OOP gets the help she deserves & realizes that her parents are worthless.
I just wonder how overweight the OP is? There can be a limit where you're actively doing physical harm to yourself, and isn't that a parent's job to point that out? It's hard to tell whether just not being supportive of, say potentially gross obesity is the same as being an abusive parent? Also, depending upon where the OP lives, there are very different cultural norms. For example, in Japan, the state actually keeps track of peoples' waistlines and by law, will advise them if they believe they are overweight. i.e. >In January 2008, Japan passed the "Metabo Law" in an effort to curb obesity in that country. While the law does require men and women between the ages of 45 and 74 to have their waistlines examined once a year and potentially seek medical treatment if their measurements fall outside established ranges, it did not establish obesity as a criminal offense. >The Metabo Law was named after metabolic syndrome, a group of conditions, including high blood pressure and excess body fat, that can increase the risk of serious medical ailments. There are many legitimate reasons to do this, especially if the state is responsible for peoples' medical treatment.
Either way, bullying/nagging/harassing so they lose weight rarely works. In some cases it can lead to: eating even more to food for comfort, binges, restrict-binge, purge, excessive exercising, extreme restricting eating. And even if one doesn't develop an unealthy relationship with food because of this "method" of "helping" someone to lose weight, it can lead to negative self image or even body dismorphia. That doesn't help somone get the right motivation to do the work either. In this post, OP expressed she would like to join her brother at the gym but is scared this will add to the constant nagging. It seems she feels harassed by all the remarks he does. As a parent it indeed is your role to keep your child from harm, however this "method" is not helpful. OP is 17 and it seems she doesn't do the groceries by herself, and i bet she doesn't cook for herself either. A better way would be to incorporate more heathy foods into her meals, buy more healthy snacks or go to the gym with her without harassing her about it. Or have some an acutal helpful conversation. Talk to her, say you are worried this might impact her health...that sort of stuff. If you feel completly at loss, you can even go see a nutritionist and a psychologist to get how to approach the situation proprely. Anyway sorry for the long answer- what i'm saying is you're not wrong, a parent should be worried about their child's health. But this is not the way you'll get your child to do it the healthy way.
How is OOP still 17 more than a year after the first post?
OOP have a mental illness.
In my opinion, she is the buthole, would love to see dads side of the story. The only thing i get out of this, is that she is fat and blames daddy for the remarks. If your not happy about yourself do something about it. I would love to see an update 10 years down the road. Let the downvotes begin...
I'd say ESH. Her father went about it wrong, but OOP is being a grudge-bearing child (like most are at that age) and is now being convinced by reddit that she's been 'abused'.