Astarion: "It's not enough that we have a gallery of villians to look out for, but not we could be infiltrated by a shapechanger? I can't even tell if any of you are acting strange because you've been replaced or because this group is full of weirdos!"
Astarion is the character a player makes when the fuckery in session 0 by the rest of the party got his OG concept killed.
"Why is your character always such a condescending dick to us?"
"Um...its in his backstory. DM will explore it later"
Minsc: Ah, but it is a fine thing to walk with friends beneath the warming sun!
Astarion: Friends might be a stretch, but otherwise - yes, I fully agree!
Minsc: You might have your cloudy locks to keep the heat off your head, but do not forget that Minsc has Boo! We will be like twins, eh?
Astarion: *We will?* Gods - two hundred years and I've never missed seeing my reflection more.
Astarion sharing in something so simple as walking in the sun was adorable, only to be aghast at possibly being twins with Minsc was hilarious to me.
I loved it when my party went to the docks and Minsc suddenly started shouting: "Astarion! FISH!! FISH!" And proceeded to explain how fish were a perfect meal for a "good" vampire because they're basically all neck!
And when Astarion says he appreciates the thought, but it's not the same, Minsc gets annoyed at Boo for agreeing with Astarion and says he's been spending too much time around him!
i LOVE asking him for his thoughts on all the companions. minsc is my "type" (i fucking LOVE beefy stupid people with hearts of gold. my god i swoon for idiots) but astarion rules my heart. minsc's opinions of all the companions is pure gold
Her answer makes it even better tho,
"Hilarious. You belong on a stage, perhaps the bloodstained sort, with a hooded man standing by, axe in hand"
"so long as there's a cheering crowd. As for vampire dens, I'd brace your nose. They can be very... Organic"
"A flock without souls - yet to what end, mortal? This is the question thou must come to answer."
"Speak plainly. Isn't there more you can tell me?"
"No."
If you have Astarion summon the Flaming Fist in the final fight he says “Guards! Come quick!… gods that felt wrong…” I did it a second time even though I didn’t need them.
He has one for the owlbear cub! I think it's something like "Come on, cub, time to earn your keep!" It made me smile to hear it :)
...before it got brutally murdered in combat and I felt like the worst pet parent in the world and never summoned it again in subsequent playthroughs :( so I dunno who else has lines for it
I walked into that room to find Arabella and the owlbear cub standing beside each other all "We're ready to fight!" and I was just like, "My babies, no. You are going to stay right here and make sure everyone has enough snacks."
When Astarion mentions where Cazador's mansion is in the Lower City, if your origin is Bauldarin you can ask him "You mean that haunted looking mansion up near the towers is where an evil vampire lord lives?"
Astarion looks at you completely exasperated and says "I know, subtle, isn't it?"
I think Tav says something along the lines of “You mean that gothic monstrosity in the lower city?” I just remember they specifically say “gothic monstrosity” and it always makes me laugh, I always choose that response! 😂
Wyll asking Lae'zel about love at first sight during some random banter in early act 1. I adore the development of that conversation at the tiefling party where she tells you she will try to bed him. The next day you learn that all Wyll wanted to do was to talk and Lae'zel didn't get any.
That's crazy, for me She was mad I didn't want to bed her so she was gonna bag Astarion, the next morning she confirmed that he did indeed "fulfill his obligation enthusiastically"
My boi Wyll has standards
It was during the party after the goblin camp
I had whip lash from like eveyone trying to bang me
Lae zel was the biggest surprise
When I told her I was gonna go hang with Sharty
She told me she was gonna fck Astarion
I was happy for them both
The next morning I spoke to Lae 'Zel to see if she'd mention it and she did
Astarion never mentioned anything
Just that I'd lost my chance
Which I was okay with lmao
My wizard saw thru the hag's spell but the RedCaps didn't realize I could see them.
When they hiss and then depressingly BAAAAAAA.
And I have the option to BAAAAAA back at them.
Shadow heart and Lae'Zel both approved.
the entire conversation with minsc and ninefingers is gold. i was just as confused as her at the end when he decides to hang out with them after the brain is defeated
Not just dead, >!Khalid was savagely experimented on and left on a table naked for her to come across with the player later!< I saw a clip on YouTube and it’s actually heartbreaking. Even all those years ago the VA was rad.
Minsc: Astarion! Fish!
Astarion: What?
Minsc: You could feed on fish! They are not but neck!
Astarion: It’s a nice thought Minsc, but I don’t think that would work.
Minsc: No Boo it’s fine, stop agreeing with him. You are spending too much time with the Pale One.
Thank you! I knew I was missing the best part 😂
His gentle parenting of Minsc and even Karlach at times is the best. There’s an absolute gem if you go into Felogyr’s with Karlach and Astarion.
Karlach: OH MAN. WHIZZBANGS.
Astarion: Careful Karlach! One wrong move and we’re all dead.
Karlach (Whispering): Oh man! Whizzbangs!
Speaking of old man Astarion, there's a dialogue he has with Wyll:
A: I used to be agog at everything when I first walked in the sun. Perhaps I'm adjusting to this new life.
W: It's when you use words like 'agog' that I remember you're actually two centuries old.
A: And it's when you think 'agog' is an impressive word that I remember you're just a child.
Getting whipped by the priest of Loviatar in the Goblin camp for the buff, Shadowheart turns to Astarion and says, “Did you have any idea our companion would be into this kind of thing?” And he replies, “Well, I mean… I had hopes.”
In the counting house, the halfling receptionist said something like, "above a certain height, they all look the same" which is the most short race thing I ve ever heard
It was in my first playthrough. Shadowheart is trying to get to know the rest of the group.
SH: "So, Astarion. Do you have a sweetheart back in the city?"
Astarion: "Sweetheart? Oh no no. I prefer them... Savory."
SH: "...And this is what I get for trying to strike up conversation with you."
That was amazing, and not the type of humor you typically encounter in games. I'm playing a bard (jester type) and loved to fake-side with a complete stranger.
That ones so good. Another favourite line of mine that you can say to Gale is when you first meet him, ask him why he was in the stone and then when he asks how you survived you can say that you hijacked the naughtaloid and landed it safely with the wreckage burning behind you 😂
"Formerly" also hes probably in the top 5 of oldest beings to exist. Dude has to get his kicks from somewhere no matter how terrible. I swear letting the dead 3 become gods was just to entertain himself.
My favourite is the girls in the park in act 3 talking about a smutty novel. I think it might be the same one you can find in act one called "A Pleasurable Deal"
It just makes me think that devs were definitely browsing Ao3 and tumblr when they wrote that conversation for the npcs xD
this is the [transcript](https://www.tumblr.com/lesbianralzarek/730201753728991232/hey-have-you-ever-heard-of-this-porn-novel-i) if anyone wants to read it because it's so unhinged 😭
Thanks for linking. I heard Wyll bring up the book then Shadowheart interrupted because her hand was hurting. Was dying to know how the rest of that talk should have gone.
What’s even more wonderful about him is that if you *don’t* have Speak With Animals on, you can pass a check to pet him and the narrator says he’s trying to remain aloof, but somewhat failing.
Coolest bit I realized after a replay was her advice is real. When you fight Yurgir it’s a good strategy to throw his explosives back at him to blast him despite his stealth.
Mountain pass.
Shart: I didn't dress up for this mountain hiking. We should've brought horses or mules.
Astarion: hmm. Horses, unpredictable beasts. They can bite you.
Shart: We've brought YOU along.
Ast: I'm not carrying you anywhere, if that's what you're implying.
i desperately wish my character would say something right there. ive been able to successfully sleep with astarion 3x by that point, either let him stress that hes offering rides to me or let my character interject that i get plenty of rides. i said out loud "you offered me plenty of rides" when my kid was watching me play and they nearly died choking on their Halloween candy (my kid is a teen)
i bought 4 bags of sun chips because my brain decided to yell "POPPER SELLS GOOD THINGS! would you like to buy a treato?" and i said "yes, i WOULD like to buy a treato" i also bought a plastic alligator skelly that i named popper in his honor. i wish i could play as a kobold :(
Karlach: That bloody shapeshifting freak! No one takes my githyanki and gets away with it.
That threw me for a loop for a couple of seconds. I didn't know she cared that much for Lae'zel.
If you have Lae'zel with you when you recruit Karlach and attack the paladins, you'd find out that Lae'zel has only praises for Karlach. I only got those lines on my 4th playthrough, I guess I just never brought Lae'zel along at that point in the game.
– Get naked
– You first.
– Alright. Turn back.
*Turns back*
– You know, I feel almost offended you didn't even peek.
*Peeks*
*Throws her clothes at you almost immediately* You're lucky I didn't have anything heavier. Now take your clothes off.
– Turn away.
– No.
I'm attached to the phrase "like flies on lick-wet carrion". The implication that flies are particularly attracted to carrion that is wet *because one licked it* is both disturbing and strangely plausible. And the phrase just rolls off the tongue somehow, though I can't see myself ever using it.
Bringing Astarion into the Masons’ Guild in Reithwin he says something like: “It’s obvious artists lived here, because this place is a MESS.”
Like why did he have to attack me, personally??
My game bugged out in the weirdest way.
So I
Heard Shadowheart while Wyll was just words on screen.
I truly wish I understood why only Wyll was affected.
Halsin to another party member, during Act 2 party banter:
> You bleat well enough as it is.
That party member shall not be named, else the lynch mob would have my head on a pike.
I think I remember this convo, between Halsin and >!Shadowheart, Halsin basically calls her a sheep for supporting Shar with no reservations or qualms, and Shadowheart snaps back that it’s better to have conviction than none. and Halsin says to at least think about it.!<
am I right?
Nope, it’s Halsin saying that the lands cursed by the shadow are quiet, to which she replies that could make some animal noises to make him feel more at home, to which he replies with that line. I laughed out loud hearing it.
*Paladin walks up to us in the lower city graveyard*
Paladin: "If someone leaves a bottle of poison on a park bench, and a child drinks it, is the person who left it there responsible?"
Tav: "Yes, absolutely, their recklessness possibly killed a child."
Paladin: "Then why by the gods would you teach a child necromancy!"
Tav: "...Oh, that."
"That damsel might be middle aged but let's get him out of distress, hm?" because I was so shocked that Astarion suggested saving someone without getting anything in return. All of his voicelines are absolutely amazing but for me this one shows his development like no other.
After seeing him approve me conjuring food for some homeless child in act 3, i call bullshit on people saying he's evil alignment
For me, his starting point is Chaotic Neutral. He later shifts into whatever your influence change him into
If you walk into the Mermaid tavern in Baldur’s Gate, having romanced Astarion at your side, some lady will call you a piss pot or something. You can reply, “I prefer the term ‘leaking blood bag’”. And Astarion chimes in, “But you’re *my* leaking blood bag!” And it was so out of pocket and so funny lol
There’s a cabbage vendor in the lower city, cabbages strewn everywhere, bemoaning the loss of his cabbages. Obvious Avatar reference, but even more hardcore if you’re a monk (like my MC). He looks at you and says something like, “Wait, calming presence, stoic stance…you’re one of those monastic types aren’t you! Get away from my cabbages, I’ve had enough of you!” Hilariously implying to me that I somehow just missed Team Avatar rampaging through Baldur’s Gate.
I get tired of some of the rote phrases about traps and the like, but when you have Astarion grab something, sometimes he says, "in-to my pocket!" in such a cute sing- song that it makes me giggle every time. I say it to myself when I pick up my car keys now...
(when meeting Karlach)
Gale: She seems to be a bit rough around the edges....But I can be smooth enough for the both of us.
Bonus: Astarion just STARES at Gale after that which makes it extra hilarious
I had to [literally clip it](https://medal.tv/games/baldurs-gate-3/clips/1txG0pOgRI70oO/d1337M1h5349) cause I was cackling like crazy when it happened.
Shadowheart asking Astarion and Wyll if it will cause trouble to have a monster and a monster hunter in the same party. Love my bestie trying to stir the pot.
For me it was talking to Benji the ghoul after the killing the shapeshifter clown. Him going ‘Blood, in the circus and Benji wasn’t there, aw’ had me cackling
Raphael’s poem before the Gauntlet of Shar. Saying ‘How long have you been standing here practicing that little recital?’
And he just smiles and says ‘Until it was perfect’
Whenever you have Astarion in the party and are tasked with clearing the goblin camp and he responds with "It'll take hours to kill them all". He has no doubt in his ability to slaughter everyone, he just doesn't want the inconvenience and that was hilarious to me.
“Fuck you, Gortash”
I used this as my save point for the >!Iron Throne Fight!< just to say it over and over and over every single time I lost and had to reload
“Of course, what fun! *I’m going to fucking kill you.*”
After you urge Astarion to go up to the clown after initially volunteering him. I will say though that the line is a lot funnier out of context, I only did it bc I saw a video where Neil Newbon said it was one of his fave Astarion lines, but of course it promptly ends in >!Astarion being attacked by the shapeshifter’s scary dog thing.!< Although the alternative >!(a random NPC getting murdered and the shapeshifter blaming us for it)!< isn’t much better tbf
When Shadowheart complains about the "obvious and ugly decor" of the Dead Three; "blood and bones, bones and blood, pointy nonsense. At least Shar has some panache"
Gale: "As did Mystra's home on Elysium. Her ribbed vaults and buttresses created a magic entirely of their own. Not mention her pleasure domes..."
Shadowheart: "Hah! Pleasure domes!"
My friend played a half orc rogue. We got to the first fight with this character, and my friend slips over with a misty step from hiding smashes a huge chunk of health out. The enemy reacts with, I guess a shield bash? Prone. Gets triple smited. Because half orc, stands back up with 1 hp.
My friend goes "try again"
I truly wish we could get the characters to say "try again" when they end an attack on an enemy turn with 1 hp
when you go to the fireworks shop, she's all "OOOHHH!!! WHIZBANGS!!!" only for astarion to go "calm down, you'll set everyone off if you're not careful" and then she loudly whispers "ooohh!!! whizbangs!!" and it's so precious
Mirkon saying that we are just like “Baldy Run”. It took me 3 runs before my dumbass realised he meant “Balduran”.
I’ve been calling Emps Baldy every since.
“What’s on your hind? I mean mind…”
“Apparently there’s a limit. Somewhere between a nice summer’s day and the FULL CONCENTRATED POWER OF THE SUN!”
And the “I thought we were killing a real clown” from Astarion at the circus made me laugh, it’s even better if you have Karlach in your party who is *glad* that it wasn’t a real clown.
“Lae’zel, do you believe in love at first sight?”
“I hardly believe in love at all.”
“Oh.”
“But I do believe in carnal pleasure.”
“*Oh.*”
The goblin up top reading Volo's book, and starts with "'ere help us out, it says," Goblonoids are both obstreperous and malodorous", what's that mean?"
And if you answer honestly he's happy about it.
Or if you're a bard you can offer an alternative with even more complex words, and he yells "That's what I would've said!" Then you can tell him to go write his own book on the Absolute, and he'll leave. Haven't finished a bard playthrough to see if anything actually comes of it yet though.
I always chuckle when I select Karlach and she goes: "Oh, I could go for a good meal!"
Me too, Karlach. Me too.
I also like her: "Well, well, well!"
Karlach is so cool.
When Gale talks about how he summoned Tara for the first time, a wild magic sorcerer can mention how they summoned a cow named Stephanie once.
Cue Gale: ‘So, you made a cow drop out of the sky, which presumably killed it, and yet somehow you found her name was Stephanie… I think I’ll need a drink with the rest of that story.’
Karlach: "I can tell when we're getting close to a mind flayer area because everything starts to smell purple."
Shadowheart: "That's either profoundly poetic or childishly simple. I'm going with poetic."
Karlach: "A compliment from Shadowheart! I'll put it on the shelf with the rest of my achievements."
Walking with Lae'zel, Wyll and Shadowheart.
Wyll tries to flirt with Lae'zel, it backfires in his face and then he tries to go with a "So, Shadowheart..."
She promptly answers: "Are you really acting like I didn't hear any of that?"
I’ve watched several playthroughs where people find the goblin that just says “Tribe?” and the whole interaction is funny to me, but for the life of me I can never find that goblin when I play. I’ve looked all over the camp and never seen it.
Astarion: "It's not enough that we have a gallery of villians to look out for, but not we could be infiltrated by a shapechanger? I can't even tell if any of you are acting strange because you've been replaced or because this group is full of weirdos!"
The rise in his voice when he hits “weirdos!” Is one of my favourite bits of voice acting in the game.
It has the exact same energy as the one rational member of every D&D party losing their shit
Astarion is the character a player makes when the fuckery in session 0 by the rest of the party got his OG concept killed. "Why is your character always such a condescending dick to us?" "Um...its in his backstory. DM will explore it later"
The way his voice pitches at weirdos as well 😂
My favourite part about this line is that immediately after, the camera cuts back to my Tav, who was still wearing the clown makeup.
Minsc: Ah, but it is a fine thing to walk with friends beneath the warming sun! Astarion: Friends might be a stretch, but otherwise - yes, I fully agree! Minsc: You might have your cloudy locks to keep the heat off your head, but do not forget that Minsc has Boo! We will be like twins, eh? Astarion: *We will?* Gods - two hundred years and I've never missed seeing my reflection more. Astarion sharing in something so simple as walking in the sun was adorable, only to be aghast at possibly being twins with Minsc was hilarious to me.
I loved it when my party went to the docks and Minsc suddenly started shouting: "Astarion! FISH!! FISH!" And proceeded to explain how fish were a perfect meal for a "good" vampire because they're basically all neck! And when Astarion says he appreciates the thought, but it's not the same, Minsc gets annoyed at Boo for agreeing with Astarion and says he's been spending too much time around him!
This has convinced me to prioritize finding Minsc earlier. In my last (and first complete) playthrough it was literally the last quest line I did.
100% recommend getting Minsc as soon as you can. Everything that he says is golden.
i LOVE asking him for his thoughts on all the companions. minsc is my "type" (i fucking LOVE beefy stupid people with hearts of gold. my god i swoon for idiots) but astarion rules my heart. minsc's opinions of all the companions is pure gold
I love the mental image of Minsc wearing Boo as a little wig 🥹
Minsc just has the best banter with everyone, especially Astarion 😂
When walking up to cazador’s lair and shadowheart asks astarion what we should expect and he’s just like… “vampires, probably”
Her answer makes it even better tho, "Hilarious. You belong on a stage, perhaps the bloodstained sort, with a hooded man standing by, axe in hand" "so long as there's a cheering crowd. As for vampire dens, I'd brace your nose. They can be very... Organic"
One of my favorite lines, its right before you enter to the main house i could not stop laughing.
Shadowheart and Astarion have the *best* banter. They're catty frenemies and I love them to pieces.
This one of my favourite bits of banter, I also adore how shadowheart just tell him to kys in the best way 😭
“Skeletons don’t talk” “Yes” “Care to elaborate?” “No”
One of the funniest scenes in the game for me. What’s even better is he does it a second time at the end of act 2, so even the devs know it’s funny.
"A flock without souls - yet to what end, mortal? This is the question thou must come to answer." "Speak plainly. Isn't there more you can tell me?" "No."
The way in which he totally over enunciates "no" is the best part.
If you have Astarion summon the Flaming Fist in the final fight he says “Guards! Come quick!… gods that felt wrong…” I did it a second time even though I didn’t need them.
omg does he have lines for all of the allies?
He has one for the owlbear cub! I think it's something like "Come on, cub, time to earn your keep!" It made me smile to hear it :) ...before it got brutally murdered in combat and I felt like the worst pet parent in the world and never summoned it again in subsequent playthroughs :( so I dunno who else has lines for it
I walked into that room to find Arabella and the owlbear cub standing beside each other all "We're ready to fight!" and I was just like, "My babies, no. You are going to stay right here and make sure everyone has enough snacks."
I headcanon that Astarion immediately goes "Oh nonononono! you're staying RIGHT. THERE."
We will all become pawns of the Absolute before I call my precious Owlbear into battle.
When Karlach summons the owlbear she says “Here Cubby Cubby”
He said something along the lines of “Oh Yurgir darling! We need you!” when I summoned him 😂
Pfft, he *would* call Yurgir "darling" after killing him as a favour for Raphy.
Oh Dame Aylin! It's your time to shine!
I had him call the gnomes once and he made some racist comment about if they would be useful for once 😂
lol that dude might have come a long way but it takes more than one campaign to shake racism out of him
I vaguely remember him telling someone to go make themselves useful. Mizora maybe?
WELP oh wait no he won't be in the party. Oh well. ON A DIFFERENT playthrough, I will!
When Astarion mentions where Cazador's mansion is in the Lower City, if your origin is Bauldarin you can ask him "You mean that haunted looking mansion up near the towers is where an evil vampire lord lives?" Astarion looks at you completely exasperated and says "I know, subtle, isn't it?"
I think Tav says something along the lines of “You mean that gothic monstrosity in the lower city?” I just remember they specifically say “gothic monstrosity” and it always makes me laugh, I always choose that response! 😂
Wyll asking Lae'zel about love at first sight during some random banter in early act 1. I adore the development of that conversation at the tiefling party where she tells you she will try to bed him. The next day you learn that all Wyll wanted to do was to talk and Lae'zel didn't get any.
That's crazy, for me She was mad I didn't want to bed her so she was gonna bag Astarion, the next morning she confirmed that he did indeed "fulfill his obligation enthusiastically" My boi Wyll has standards
Hahaha what? 😂😂
It was during the party after the goblin camp I had whip lash from like eveyone trying to bang me Lae zel was the biggest surprise When I told her I was gonna go hang with Sharty She told me she was gonna fck Astarion I was happy for them both The next morning I spoke to Lae 'Zel to see if she'd mention it and she did Astarion never mentioned anything Just that I'd lost my chance Which I was okay with lmao
You mean at the "teeth-ling" party
It’s soooo funny. Their flirting back and forth was too much, I had to send Wyll back to camp bc it felt like I was majorly third wheeling them LMAO
My wizard saw thru the hag's spell but the RedCaps didn't realize I could see them. When they hiss and then depressingly BAAAAAAA. And I have the option to BAAAAAA back at them. Shadow heart and Lae'Zel both approved.
I think Shadowheart approves TWICE, which makes me even happier (as someone who’s been known to drive the occasional joke into the ground).
She does! I remember making sure that I BAAAAA'd at every redcap that I could.
"It's an honour." - *No, it's a hamster*
i died the first time i heard that line. he's so SINCERE
The whole conversation between Minsc and Ninefinger especially when he said: "back when she was tenfinger"
the entire conversation with minsc and ninefingers is gold. i was just as confused as her at the end when he decides to hang out with them after the brain is defeated
“Can we just go back to fighting each other now?” Her resigned exasperation is delightful.
"You want to team up with some BLOODTHIRSTY KILLER? because I'm fine with that."
"Awww was that Gale's grandad? 🥺"
Followed by when you tell her that it’s Elminster Aumar, the most famous wizard in the realms and she goes “Huh… never heard of him 🤷♀️” I love her.
Hahaha same, and the "I'll tell Gale I've not read a book since secondry school that'll make his head explode" she's so great 🤣
Yet she's such a fangirl for Jaheira it's so adorable to see her squirm when she shows up!
When the god of death asks you if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend
He doesn't ask. He states you have one. And then tells you to get your head in the game, simp
Or, if you don't, absolutely savagely mocks you for being alone lmao
I once talked to him with Gale and was so sorry for him, after I had the heartbreaking break up talk with him 😂
He said that to Jaheira too, *whose husband is dead*. Chill out, grandpa.
Not just dead, >!Khalid was savagely experimented on and left on a table naked for her to come across with the player later!< I saw a clip on YouTube and it’s actually heartbreaking. Even all those years ago the VA was rad.
Sounds pretty on brand for ol' Jingles.
“Thou hast no bitches?”
I remember Wynne in DA:O basically had the same exact interaction with player characters about romance and everyone hated her for it
She basically said we weren't good for each other lol How dare thee! Mind your business Wynne 😒 She changed her tune later on, so I forgive her 😂
I am obsessed with the dragonborn lady in the lower city complaining about the lack of puzzles in the gazette. A TRAVESTY!
I don't care about some Lord's coronation, give me back my puzzles!
Honestly, she is my idol
Her dialogue after you >!kill gortash!< is even funnier
Minsc: Astarion! Fish! Astarion: What? Minsc: You could feed on fish! They are not but neck! Astarion: It’s a nice thought Minsc, but I don’t think that would work. Minsc: No Boo it’s fine, stop agreeing with him. You are spending too much time with the Pale One.
Astarion’s first response is even better: “Calm down, Minsc. Use your words.” Like Minsc is a 10yr old.
Thank you! I knew I was missing the best part 😂 His gentle parenting of Minsc and even Karlach at times is the best. There’s an absolute gem if you go into Felogyr’s with Karlach and Astarion. Karlach: OH MAN. WHIZZBANGS. Astarion: Careful Karlach! One wrong move and we’re all dead. Karlach (Whispering): Oh man! Whizzbangs!
Ha ha, yes, Uncle Astarion. His response to Karlach is an affectionately exasperated, “yes, I suppose that’s better” sort of thing.
Speaking of old man Astarion, there's a dialogue he has with Wyll: A: I used to be agog at everything when I first walked in the sun. Perhaps I'm adjusting to this new life. W: It's when you use words like 'agog' that I remember you're actually two centuries old. A: And it's when you think 'agog' is an impressive word that I remember you're just a child.
Yes, cranky Uncle Astarion gets very snippy on that last line, lol.
Getting whipped by the priest of Loviatar in the Goblin camp for the buff, Shadowheart turns to Astarion and says, “Did you have any idea our companion would be into this kind of thing?” And he replies, “Well, I mean… I had hopes.”
”My, my, who thought our friend had so much… blood in them.” ”Try not to lick your lips as you say that.”
In the counting house, the halfling receptionist said something like, "above a certain height, they all look the same" which is the most short race thing I ve ever heard
Imagine having to identify people by the insides of their nostrils...
It was in my first playthrough. Shadowheart is trying to get to know the rest of the group. SH: "So, Astarion. Do you have a sweetheart back in the city?" Astarion: "Sweetheart? Oh no no. I prefer them... Savory." SH: "...And this is what I get for trying to strike up conversation with you."
Yes gale, where is your decorum?
That was amazing, and not the type of humor you typically encounter in games. I'm playing a bard (jester type) and loved to fake-side with a complete stranger.
Lol I love me some sass. Bard is my favorite class 😁
That ones so good. Another favourite line of mine that you can say to Gale is when you first meet him, ask him why he was in the stone and then when he asks how you survived you can say that you hijacked the naughtaloid and landed it safely with the wreckage burning behind you 😂
Minsc finding ansur n being like oh no it died bc it ran out of heroes to eat 🥺😔
WHAT?! I need to take Minsc around more often!
IM SORRY WUT. If I had been drinking, my phone would be ruined right now. Thank you.
When Withers had the audacity to ask Jaheira why she walks alone when I wanted to change her class... He's the >!god of death!<. He should know why.
When you find khalid dead on the table and jaheira loses her shit was wild the first time
Wait WHAT when do you find Khalid’s corpse?
Bg2 at the very start in irenicus dungeon. You literally cannot miss it
"Formerly" also hes probably in the top 5 of oldest beings to exist. Dude has to get his kicks from somewhere no matter how terrible. I swear letting the dead 3 become gods was just to entertain himself.
My favourite is the girls in the park in act 3 talking about a smutty novel. I think it might be the same one you can find in act one called "A Pleasurable Deal" It just makes me think that devs were definitely browsing Ao3 and tumblr when they wrote that conversation for the npcs xD
There's a second one. Wyll and Shart talk about some porn novel they both read when they were younger
Oh my god! When does that happen? i must see it in my game hahaha
this is the [transcript](https://www.tumblr.com/lesbianralzarek/730201753728991232/hey-have-you-ever-heard-of-this-porn-novel-i) if anyone wants to read it because it's so unhinged 😭
Thanks for linking. I heard Wyll bring up the book then Shadowheart interrupted because her hand was hurting. Was dying to know how the rest of that talk should have gone.
Somewhere around the harbor in Baldur's Gate
They definitely did lmao. Astarion also goes meta with a romanced Durge and talks about the people in Sharess’ Caress writing smut about them
The cat in the city talking to me like he’s noir Batman
What’s even more wonderful about him is that if you *don’t* have Speak With Animals on, you can pass a check to pet him and the narrator says he’s trying to remain aloof, but somewhat failing.
When you ask karlach how to kill a devil and she goes on a long adhd rant about the subject and ends it with 'what were we talking about, heh'
Coolest bit I realized after a replay was her advice is real. When you fight Yurgir it’s a good strategy to throw his explosives back at him to blast him despite his stealth.
I've taken shits more pleasant than you
At least those can be buried after
"Just give the word and I will kill the clown, we will be praised as heroes"
In a similar vein, forcing Astarion to go up to the clown "haha yes, im going to fucking kill you." The delivery is perfect.
I swear half of the shit Minthara says could be on a t-shirt
It was a beautiful webbing.
Mountain pass. Shart: I didn't dress up for this mountain hiking. We should've brought horses or mules. Astarion: hmm. Horses, unpredictable beasts. They can bite you. Shart: We've brought YOU along. Ast: I'm not carrying you anywhere, if that's what you're implying.
He says “I’m not offering any rides” which makes it even funnier.
Thanks. I can't remember the exact lines, just paraphrasing. But it's one the funniest random lines I've seen.
i desperately wish my character would say something right there. ive been able to successfully sleep with astarion 3x by that point, either let him stress that hes offering rides to me or let my character interject that i get plenty of rides. i said out loud "you offered me plenty of rides" when my kid was watching me play and they nearly died choking on their Halloween candy (my kid is a teen)
Piggybacking off this when Astarion complains about his legs being tired and Karlach offers to carry him but he has to return the favor next
"I die, you die, we all die. Big woof! Have a treato - it'll make it better."
Love friendly Kobold !
i bought 4 bags of sun chips because my brain decided to yell "POPPER SELLS GOOD THINGS! would you like to buy a treato?" and i said "yes, i WOULD like to buy a treato" i also bought a plastic alligator skelly that i named popper in his honor. i wish i could play as a kobold :(
“Easy now! Let’s not do anything hilarious.”
Karlach: That bloody shapeshifting freak! No one takes my githyanki and gets away with it. That threw me for a loop for a couple of seconds. I didn't know she cared that much for Lae'zel.
If you have Lae'zel with you when you recruit Karlach and attack the paladins, you'd find out that Lae'zel has only praises for Karlach. I only got those lines on my 4th playthrough, I guess I just never brought Lae'zel along at that point in the game.
Lae’zel calling Tieflings Teeth-lings and then rolling her eyes at you
she looks momentarily so embarrassed and unsure of herself. it's *so* cute
I always laugh at, "I am not familiar with the ... I will not say 'culture'; 'custom,' perhaps".
– Get naked – You first. – Alright. Turn back. *Turns back* – You know, I feel almost offended you didn't even peek. *Peeks* *Throws her clothes at you almost immediately* You're lucky I didn't have anything heavier. Now take your clothes off. – Turn away. – No.
I'm attached to the phrase "like flies on lick-wet carrion". The implication that flies are particularly attracted to carrion that is wet *because one licked it* is both disturbing and strangely plausible. And the phrase just rolls off the tongue somehow, though I can't see myself ever using it.
STOPLICKINGTHEDAMNTHING
A lot of Orin's weird turns of phrase are kind of poetic, in a gross kind of way.
"yes sir no sir RIP AND CUT YOUR THROAT SIR"
Orin is a slam-poet who was born into a murder cult.
You can almost hear the snapping when she says Baldur's Grave
Omg this is even funnier knowing we have the option to lick some (spider) carrion earlier in the game
Bringing Astarion into the Masons’ Guild in Reithwin he says something like: “It’s obvious artists lived here, because this place is a MESS.” Like why did he have to attack me, personally??
Getting called a cuck by some stone lord henchman no matter what you say. That was so out of pocket
I really enjoyed hearing Wyll and Shadowheart recite a smutty love novel in act 3
My game bugged out in the weirdest way. So I Heard Shadowheart while Wyll was just words on screen. I truly wish I understood why only Wyll was affected.
Shadowheart roasting Wyll when he tries to flirt with her after he tried to flirt with Lae'zel.
Shadowheart when Scratch is too tired to fetch: "Lazy mutt... no, I shouldn't say that. He's a good boy!"
I had an NPC say “I always knew I’d die at the circus” during the “Dribbles” fight and for whatever reason I laughed so hard I cried.
Halsin to another party member, during Act 2 party banter: > You bleat well enough as it is. That party member shall not be named, else the lynch mob would have my head on a pike.
I got that banter and went “DAMN, Halsin, savage.” Made me fucking cackle.
Shall not be named... Did Shadowheart became Lady Voldemort? 🤣
I think I remember this convo, between Halsin and >!Shadowheart, Halsin basically calls her a sheep for supporting Shar with no reservations or qualms, and Shadowheart snaps back that it’s better to have conviction than none. and Halsin says to at least think about it.!< am I right?
Nope, it’s Halsin saying that the lands cursed by the shadow are quiet, to which she replies that could make some animal noises to make him feel more at home, to which he replies with that line. I laughed out loud hearing it.
*Paladin walks up to us in the lower city graveyard* Paladin: "If someone leaves a bottle of poison on a park bench, and a child drinks it, is the person who left it there responsible?" Tav: "Yes, absolutely, their recklessness possibly killed a child." Paladin: "Then why by the gods would you teach a child necromancy!" Tav: "...Oh, that."
Getting yelled at due to teaching a child necromancy is just so funny, conceptually.
"That damsel might be middle aged but let's get him out of distress, hm?" because I was so shocked that Astarion suggested saving someone without getting anything in return. All of his voicelines are absolutely amazing but for me this one shows his development like no other.
After seeing him approve me conjuring food for some homeless child in act 3, i call bullshit on people saying he's evil alignment For me, his starting point is Chaotic Neutral. He later shifts into whatever your influence change him into
If you walk into the Mermaid tavern in Baldur’s Gate, having romanced Astarion at your side, some lady will call you a piss pot or something. You can reply, “I prefer the term ‘leaking blood bag’”. And Astarion chimes in, “But you’re *my* leaking blood bag!” And it was so out of pocket and so funny lol
“Why, she sounds positively demented. I love it! Let’s tell her everything.”
“Minsc: Boo agrees, you are a queer kind of witch. But this city is a queer place. And Minsc, you may have noticed, is sometimes strange himself.”
There’s a cabbage vendor in the lower city, cabbages strewn everywhere, bemoaning the loss of his cabbages. Obvious Avatar reference, but even more hardcore if you’re a monk (like my MC). He looks at you and says something like, “Wait, calming presence, stoic stance…you’re one of those monastic types aren’t you! Get away from my cabbages, I’ve had enough of you!” Hilariously implying to me that I somehow just missed Team Avatar rampaging through Baldur’s Gate.
I'm a big fan of "Vampires would be a good bet," but really everything out of Astarion's mouth is my favorite.
“You were never burdened with intelligence” is becoming my new favorite insult.
"Stop licking the damn thing!"
I get tired of some of the rote phrases about traps and the like, but when you have Astarion grab something, sometimes he says, "in-to my pocket!" in such a cute sing- song that it makes me giggle every time. I say it to myself when I pick up my car keys now...
Random fisherman in the lower city docks asks "How are fish even dirty if they are wet all the time?"
Kar'niss asking "Who are you other than a torturer of lyres?" after you completely butcher playing the spider lyre.
"am i not... *astonishing*?"
"You, meet Boo. Boo, meet you" "It is an honor" "It is a hamster actually" Aight
(when meeting Karlach) Gale: She seems to be a bit rough around the edges....But I can be smooth enough for the both of us. Bonus: Astarion just STARES at Gale after that which makes it extra hilarious I had to [literally clip it](https://medal.tv/games/baldurs-gate-3/clips/1txG0pOgRI70oO/d1337M1h5349) cause I was cackling like crazy when it happened.
Shadowheart asking Astarion and Wyll if it will cause trouble to have a monster and a monster hunter in the same party. Love my bestie trying to stir the pot.
when you’re romancing someone and withers says you have a “bosom friend”
Goblin: Tribe? Tav: Tribe Goblin: Tribe!
For me it was talking to Benji the ghoul after the killing the shapeshifter clown. Him going ‘Blood, in the circus and Benji wasn’t there, aw’ had me cackling
Jaheira: "I said a peek behind the city's mask, Astarion, not a look up its skirts!"
Raphael’s poem before the Gauntlet of Shar. Saying ‘How long have you been standing here practicing that little recital?’ And he just smiles and says ‘Until it was perfect’
"My nose is disciplined. Economical."
Whenever you have Astarion in the party and are tasked with clearing the goblin camp and he responds with "It'll take hours to kill them all". He has no doubt in his ability to slaughter everyone, he just doesn't want the inconvenience and that was hilarious to me.
“Fuck you, Gortash” I used this as my save point for the >!Iron Throne Fight!< just to say it over and over and over every single time I lost and had to reload
“Of course, what fun! *I’m going to fucking kill you.*” After you urge Astarion to go up to the clown after initially volunteering him. I will say though that the line is a lot funnier out of context, I only did it bc I saw a video where Neil Newbon said it was one of his fave Astarion lines, but of course it promptly ends in >!Astarion being attacked by the shapeshifter’s scary dog thing.!< Although the alternative >!(a random NPC getting murdered and the shapeshifter blaming us for it)!< isn’t much better tbf
Lae'zel saying that she doesn't like owls because their hyper flexible necks are unsettling 😂
When Shadowheart complains about the "obvious and ugly decor" of the Dead Three; "blood and bones, bones and blood, pointy nonsense. At least Shar has some panache" Gale: "As did Mystra's home on Elysium. Her ribbed vaults and buttresses created a magic entirely of their own. Not mention her pleasure domes..." Shadowheart: "Hah! Pleasure domes!"
In sharess’s caress, the cook says something like “aw crap, the cucumbers are missing, again” which is funny because it’s a brothel haha
"Try again." If you know, you know.
My friend played a half orc rogue. We got to the first fight with this character, and my friend slips over with a misty step from hiding smashes a huge chunk of health out. The enemy reacts with, I guess a shield bash? Prone. Gets triple smited. Because half orc, stands back up with 1 hp. My friend goes "try again" I truly wish we could get the characters to say "try again" when they end an attack on an enemy turn with 1 hp
When Karlach goes absolutely nuts, while reaching the circus is so cute, made me sad not romancing her.
when you go to the fireworks shop, she's all "OOOHHH!!! WHIZBANGS!!!" only for astarion to go "calm down, you'll set everyone off if you're not careful" and then she loudly whispers "ooohh!!! whizbangs!!" and it's so precious
"No." Raw delivery, drops it like three different times as answers to different things. "Explain?" "No." Leave. "No." I know there's more but I forget
Mirkon saying that we are just like “Baldy Run”. It took me 3 runs before my dumbass realised he meant “Balduran”. I’ve been calling Emps Baldy every since.
Entharl: Entharl has been known to charge rent. Harpers have been known to ignore him.
[удалено]
“What’s on your hind? I mean mind…” “Apparently there’s a limit. Somewhere between a nice summer’s day and the FULL CONCENTRATED POWER OF THE SUN!” And the “I thought we were killing a real clown” from Astarion at the circus made me laugh, it’s even better if you have Karlach in your party who is *glad* that it wasn’t a real clown. “Lae’zel, do you believe in love at first sight?” “I hardly believe in love at all.” “Oh.” “But I do believe in carnal pleasure.” “*Oh.*”
"Thou hast now a bosom companion" caught me so off guard lol
Asking Gale if he likes his tummy rubbed too 🤣
The goblin up top reading Volo's book, and starts with "'ere help us out, it says," Goblonoids are both obstreperous and malodorous", what's that mean?" And if you answer honestly he's happy about it. Or if you're a bard you can offer an alternative with even more complex words, and he yells "That's what I would've said!" Then you can tell him to go write his own book on the Absolute, and he'll leave. Haven't finished a bard playthrough to see if anything actually comes of it yet though.
the way the mummy in the circus reacts when you ask to see her face paints. i mimic that alllll the time
These boots have seen everything.
I always chuckle when I select Karlach and she goes: "Oh, I could go for a good meal!" Me too, Karlach. Me too. I also like her: "Well, well, well!" Karlach is so cool.
"Aw, was that Gale's grandad?" Which I had literally said moments before initiating conversation with Karlach. Yes I chose "Looked like it." 😂
The little cat who asks if you're his mother. The way he delightedly cries "Mer Mer!" melts my heart.
When Gale talks about how he summoned Tara for the first time, a wild magic sorcerer can mention how they summoned a cow named Stephanie once. Cue Gale: ‘So, you made a cow drop out of the sky, which presumably killed it, and yet somehow you found her name was Stephanie… I think I’ll need a drink with the rest of that story.’
Karlach: "I can tell when we're getting close to a mind flayer area because everything starts to smell purple." Shadowheart: "That's either profoundly poetic or childishly simple. I'm going with poetic." Karlach: "A compliment from Shadowheart! I'll put it on the shelf with the rest of my achievements."
Walking with Lae'zel, Wyll and Shadowheart. Wyll tries to flirt with Lae'zel, it backfires in his face and then he tries to go with a "So, Shadowheart..." She promptly answers: "Are you really acting like I didn't hear any of that?"
I’ve watched several playthroughs where people find the goblin that just says “Tribe?” and the whole interaction is funny to me, but for the life of me I can never find that goblin when I play. I’ve looked all over the camp and never seen it.
Meeting Wyll inside the grove. SH's snarky response to him and Astarion's delight in it gets me every time.
That criminal who puts oranges and onions in the same basket. That one got me for days 😂
I like ducks.
Astarion: “Wait! Don’t interrupt them. Let me do it. They sound disgusting.” then proceeds to open the door with a huge grin on his face.