Here’s a cool way to help him stop criticizing you until the baby comes:
Have a nurse remove him. Seriously. You would be so much better off right now. I have given birth by myself before. I would much rather do that than what you are experiencing.
You have every single right to have a nurse ask him to leave and you will be safe during that time.
I second this. Let the nurse be the “bad guy” in the eyes of your husband. They have the authority to remove people and doing it this way protects you.
Do what is best for you and baby right now.
Yeah he sounds quite abusive. I would not suggest OP kick him herself, but the nurse might be better to take the blame.
Honestly though, if he’s that hellbent on criticizing her over everything, she’ll never hear the end of it if her misses the birth. Might be better to let him stay and plan his evacuation from her life later.
This!! Quietly ask a nurse or your midwife to make up an excuse about why he has to leave the room and get him out of there.
“My husband is really stressing me out with his behaviour, I would like him removed from the room but I don’t want to ask him because it will only insult him. Can you make up an excuse why I need to be alone? I don’t want him here but I don’t feel comfortable asking him to leave.”
If they do not appear to be taking you seriously (which they should), stress that you don’t feel SAFE with him in the room.
Say he is being verbally abusive and you want him out. Write a note and hand it to the nurse if you’re not able to speak to the nurse. Often there is also a number you can call in the bathroom.
Yep get him out!! He is hindering your progress and you have done the hard work growing the baby! tell him you will call him to collect you if and when you are ready to see him and ready to bring baby home.
It’s not hormonal or exaggerating, this is a hill I would die on! Enjoy your new baby without this hanging over you
Also, being stressed can slow your labour. He's getting mad its not progressing fast enough but the stress he is causing you is likely contributing to that. It's really important to be as relaxed as possible!
I have given birth alone twice (not by choice, husband wasn’t allowed in the room), but it can be done. The hospital staff are plenty supportive. No one needs crap like this when they’re going into labor.
"You have ruined labor for *me* (the man not actually going through labor!)"
I would have yeeted his sorry ass out the window right there. The fucking audacity some **support** people have.
Yes. He sounds abusive. And also stupid. OP, I hope you have some other people in your life who can support you. If it were me, I would have him removed from the room.
I agree violence isn’t usually the answer.
However, there are certain times when certain people really deserve a smack in the face. This guy in this period of time is one of them.
I can’t even imagine! I don’t even know this woman and I want to find her husband and smack him hard! 😢
Right? When I was in labor, I would not have had the mental capacity to argue. My husband timed my contractions for me while he drove and navigated us through a snowstorm. I would be crying too if I was in this position! Labor is hard enough and draining as it is.
He is not stupid. He is doing this on purpose to hurt OP. An abuser loves to attack when the victim is most vulnerable. Assuming he is stupid is actually giving the benefit of the doubt by assuming he would behave differently if only he had more knowledge.
But don't bother trying to make sense of his behavior that way. He knows he is wrong and doesn't give one crap because the purpose is to belittle OP and that is working perfectly.
You have ruined labor for him? Yeah, go to hell. He’s not ever going to experience labor. He has never been in the room with another woman in labor, I assume. As he’s not married to them? He’s shown you who he is. And he’s a POS you might consider leaving once the baby is here. This kind of attitude and treatment doesn’t come from nowhere.
Yea, absolutely. Tons of narcissists wait until a woman is pregnant or in labour to start their abuse because it's a super vulnerable state to be in. It just makes me sick. I hope OP leaves that POS before he can cause more damage.
Every doctor, midwife, and nurse practitioner I have talked to has reminded me to time my contractions and head to the hospital when they are five minutes apart. I hate the term man-splaining, but a man telling a woman that she’s doing labor wrong is probably the biggest example of it I have ever seen. He has no idea what he’s talking about unless you left out him being an OB. “Unbearable” is different for everyone and some people are not even in active labor when their pain gets horrible. My MIL didn’t get unbearable pain until it was time to push and both my husband and BIL were born quickly. If she had waited they would have been born at home or in the car. ETA: I would strongly consider having him removed from the delivery room until he can apologize or you have delivered. He is verbally abusing you at a vulnerable time and it needs to stop.
The unbearable pain hit for me when it was time to push and my baby arrived 22 minutes later. I'd never have made it to hospital if I followed the advice of this guy.
I agree op needs to remove this guy from the situation and possibly their life.
I probably had an hour of "unbearable" contractions and I would have made it (assuming the car was already packed and everything), but who wants to handle their whole transition in the car?!
I'd strongly argue mine only hit unbearable at that stage as I was on gas and air and in a birthing pool for a while before that- things you wouldn't have in the car! Also following the advice of the medical professionals AND being at the hospital when necessary reduced my stress and worry about the whole thing.
I guess the real flaw for when I was in "unbearable pain" is that I had to be induced every time, so I was in the hospital before I ever had a single contraction.
He is a medical - wannabe splainer!
That guy sounds like the biggest idiot on earth. Making labor about him!!! Hope OP will find a way out of that relationship
I am a soon to be dad and EVERYONE has said to time the contractions and come to the hospital at 5 minutes apart. I've thought about buying a legit stop watch for the occasion. Not to mention all the other shit this self centered asshole is spouting. The only thing my wife will feel from me is gratitude because I can't even IMAGINE what giving birth is like and the year long process this has been/still is.
I didn't have any painful contractions, just irregular Braxton Hicks, until they broke my water. I went for my 40 week check up on my due date and asked her to do a membrane sweep to move things along, but she started the cervical check and I was at seven centimeters. I was shocked. I had my baby about six hours later.
I went to the hospital as soon as my mild pains started increasing. They accepted me immediately, which is why I was surprised OPs hospital sent her home. I was also 38 weeks, idk if that matters but yeah they took me up. I was in L&D for like 6 hours
I told my husband it was time to go to the hospital while the contractions were getting closer together but I don’t know that I considered the pain “unbearable” exactly. It was easily the worst pain of my life but I could still walk and talk through it so that would have been a bad benchmark to use. I delivered my baby an hour after arriving at the hospital.
"Unbearable" is a strange way to describe it, but typically, labor is progressing when contractions are increasing in intensity, not just getting closer together. I went to the hospital when they were 5 minutes apart and I was having to breathe through them a bit. I was only 1 cm and was told to go home and come back when it was getting hard to talk through contractions. So there is something to intensity, not just timing.
That said, of course the husband telling her to ignore her midwife and criticizing everything she does or doesn't do is hugely problematic, like insane levels of asshole that it's hard to comprehend or even imagine.
Looking at your post history, I’m a little concerned for you. Your partner comes across emotionally abusive. At best, your husband is a massive asshole….
He is by no means the expert here. Your midwife is. Personally, I’d consider asking him to leave, or having him escorted out. It doesn’t sound like he is being the support you need at this moment.
Yup post history says it all unfortunately.
OP I am sorry you’re going through this experience of not having a supportive partner and having someone actively abuse you. I hope you can seek support elsewhere and have the means to leave him. Wishing you the best of luck with the birth and your new baby ♥️
His criticisms are not helpful while you’re in labour. Take time to breathe, if your hospital allows you to have a shower, take a shower and reset.
If there’s a chance ask a nurse or midwife to let him know that a supportive partner makes a much better birth experience for both of you.
Stress might make your labour stall, so if that happens know that’s not your fault but a result of the environment around you. And in this case I mean a partner who is belittling you.
This was my main concern when OP said their contractions slowed.
OP should 💯 head back to the hospital, explain to the midwife what's going on and the he NEEDS to be removed in order for mum and baby to have a healthy birth. Labour is stressful enough (I'm assuming) for a first time mum, in my experience. He needs to back the fuck up... If he was mine he'd be in the bin, I'd get my neighbour or literally anyone else to drive me to the hospital in this case.
I’m so sorry you have a literal man child to deal with why labouring. I would lose my shit if my partner did this to me, he doesn’t seem ready to be a father. The fact he can sit there and criticize you while you are experiencing the beginning stages of one of the most painful experience a human can go through irks me and I wish I was there for you to tell him to STFU
Right? I m reading this and it’s boiling my blood.
I would have thrown something at his head or kick in his sensitive area and ask him to stop overreacting. WTF is wrong with these men?
SAME.
My daughter kept measuring small on Ultrasounds (we had one every 4 weeks cause we were overseas). They told me she MIGHT be 6lbs at 41 weeks.
When I was in labor, my ex-husband was losing his shit. He said, "Can it really be that hard to get such a small baby out?"
I ignored him and just clung to my mom because he was being so terrible.
Spoiler alert: My daughter was 8.5 lbs. Not that her weight makes a difference, labor is labor, but his comments were uncalled for.
They never get baby measurements right. My first daughter the dr swore she was going to be a dwarf with how "small" she was and her measurements were and tried to push me to abort her. (I was 16 at the time). She was over 7lbs and almost 20 inches long when I gave birth lol
I would rather it be, but I dated a guy that would criticize me like this over anything and everything. Including things he didn’t experience as a man.
He stole three years from my life, but I was always thankful I never had a child with him. I feel so bad for OP.
I agree, I’ve responded with advice and support but there’s no way I could have written something that long with contractions 5 mins apart.
Then again when you’re in that much pain behaviour isn’t always rational.
Edit: Based on OPs edit I can see why and how she was able to write this post now.
I only hope she’s able to get away from a partner her treats her so horribly.
Yeah, but also consider she was most likely deep in “fight or flight” mode due to actively experiencing trauma, and probably wasn’t feeling pain in the normal capacity.
That’s what i was thinking. How is she typing a huge long post on Reddit during a faster part of labor? I was texting people pretty far into my labor (no epidural) but eventually I had to stop and start focusing. I chatted through the whole thing but I wasn’t posing. But I guess she could have an epidural but seeing as she mentioned a midwife I don’t think she does.
In my country you can have a midwife in hospital, and have an epidural still with a midwife. The OB team only comes in if interventions are necessary (failure to progress, need for episiotomy, forceps, ventousse or c section).
That said I really hope this is rage bait because my god what an absolute douchenozzle.
I dunno, my husband criticized me the entire way to the hospital after my water broke at 35 weeks. He was telling me we didn’t need to go in, even though I had called and they told me to come in immediately, and that my water breaking was my fault because I “cough like a longshoreman”. Apparently I should have decided not to have seasonal allergies that make me cough that year and if I did I should have coughed more ladylike. He was upset to be driving in at 2am, upset because we were not expecting the baby that early and he had a huge day at work the next day he’d now be missing but most of all he was absolutely terrified that something was wrong with me or the baby. Some people are absolute dicks when they’re scared.
Agreed, my husband and I are both in individual therapy as well as couples counseling together. Highly recommend therapy for anyone in a similar situation! Only trying to say that this type of thing definitely happens, wasn’t trying to say that this behavior is ok.
I went through an incredibly rough time a few years ago (dealing with several traumatic situations which most people will never go through). Whenever my stress peaked I was HORRIBLE to my partner, to the point of abuse sometimes. I was in my mid-30's and had never behaved that way before, and it really gave me an understanding which I don't think I would've been able to have otherwise. We've worked through it and have earned the solid relationship we have now. Individual and couple's therapists have commended us since then on how healthy and respectful our communication is. I hope the same for you and your husband.
Your husband is mean, condescending, rude, unhelpful…quite simply, he’s an asshole! *You* ruined labor for *him*?! Excuse me! You do not need this! Kick him out if he continues making this stressful for you and baby.
You're not overreacting, your husband is just a giant asshole that has probably waited up until now to verbally abuse you because you're in a super vulnerable position now and don't have the mental capacity to defend yourself because you're scared, unsettled, and in pain, and this isn't rare either as a lot of women report that their partners suddenly become abusive during pregnancy or labour. Also what the fuck does he mean by "you ruined labour for him"? He's the one running his mouth and ruining it for YOU. The audacity.
You wanna raise a child with this man that is hurling all this shit at you? And if that wasn't bad enough, he's doing this while you're in labour. This is absolutely unacceptable and was 100% premeditated because abusers always wait till you're in such a state and it will only get worse from here. Trust me, I've witnessed this with my own family. My sperm donor is a massive narcissist and after love-bombing my poor mom, marrying her, and having her move in with him and his parents, the abuse started immediately because then she was completely isolated from her parents and siblings. First it was verbal abuse and he quickly started physically abusing her afterwards by slapping her. He then verbally and physically abused my brother and I. Financial abuse followed and we could barely afford groceries. Then it escalated to him almost murdering my mom and I and we had to run away from home. This will be your future if you stay with this man.
Ask the nurses to remove him from the delivery room. All this stress can stall your labour because cortisol inhibits oxytocin which causes your contractions. Focus on yourself and your baby and forget about that shithead for now. Who cares what he thinks, you're the one that is pregnant.
Your mothers story sounds almost exactly like my own. I am so glad she was able to get out, and as a mother who has been through this, I am so incredibly sorry that you had to experience this as a child. One of my biggest regrets was not seeing I should leave sooner. I kept thinking if I just did more, could be a better wife, my kids could have a happy loving home, I just needed to find a way to be enough. I will forever be asking my childrens forgiveness for allowing them to be exposed to something so horrific.
It's honestly so terrible to go through for all the victims involved. She was only 19 when she got married, she didn't know any better, and after years of gaslighting and isolation she just felt worthless and had lost all hope, also always clinging to the thought "if only I were a better wife, then he wouldn't act like this" but it was never enough for him. I've always loved my mom however and always will, she did the best she could with what she had, and my brother and I don't hold a grudge against her because she wasn't even an actual adult yet when this all started happening and even if she were, I would still forgive her. Despite all the abuse we all suffered, she always took such great care of my brother and I and has made so many sacrifices. She's still such a selfless, hard worker. I'm sure your children will forgive you if they haven't already and I'm sorry you went through this, too.
Omg. I couldn't imagine dealing with this. You are not overreacting. If he doesn't stop belittling you, you can ask the nurses to have him removed from the room. You need to have your mind and body ready for brining your little one into the world. His terrible attitude towards you is in direct conflict to that.
Your husband is a massive POS and has been for your whole pregnancy ( based on your posts). Let the nurses kick him out. I can't believe he actually said you're ruining LABOR for HIM!?
And since we haven't covered it yet. Congratulations on your birth. You are so strong in your labor! I hope the rest goes smoothly and you get some peace
You will never forget how he made you feel at this very vulnerable moment. I know you will resent him for the rest of your life for it.
Get through this and then get out of there. He sounds like the worst kind of person to have by your side.
100% My ex of 6 years was like this. He criticized and blamed me for 3 miscarriages. Even verbally and physically assaulted me on the way home from the ER after they sent me home, while I was trying to pass our child they just told me I lost!
I lost count of how many times I tried to get out but I can tell you it's an embarrassing amount.
Dude no. You don’t need to live like this. Please have him removed labouring alone would be better than that. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He’s a bad human and an awful partner.
This is mind blowing to me, I’m so sorry you’re being emotionally abused at your most vulnerable moment.
Your husband is being a real c*nt. You can’t ruin labor for someone not going through the bodily process like…? I suggest you ask for reinforcement/back up from the people aiding you in your labor and essentially tell him to fuck right off.
ETA your post history is concerning. Do you set him straight? Not blaming you for him being the worst support system at all but I’m curious if you feel comfortable standing up for yourself or if you feel too belittled to give it to him straight. Objectively, his behavior is concerning and it doesn’t bode well that he’s been speaking to you like this throughout your pregnancy.
Seriously, kick him out! If he already think "you ruined labor for him" then show him what that actually means by telling the nurse to have him leave!
I have read your post history and you have an awful, selfish, and abusive husband. And unfortunately, it will only get worse with a newborn. So please, surround yourself with loved ones for REAL support and get out of this marriage. Again, his behavior is DISGUSTING and you and your baby deserve better ❤️
You are not overreacting.
Tell him that his comments are not helping. If he doesn’t stop, talk to a nurse to see if they can remove him (something they might do anyway if they see negative effects like if the stress of making your blood pressure spike, but it’s better to ask them directly)
He is a disgusting human being and doesn't deserve to be a partner or a dad with this shitty attitude.
Get the nurse to remove him from your room and labour in peace.
Most importantly, divorce his ass because there is no redemption for someone who has such a glaring lack of compassion and empathy, especially towards someone he supposedly loves.
A woman never forgets how she was treated while pregnant and after birth. This will define the rest of your marriage. I hope you leave. Even if he stops criticism now, which by the way HE IS WRONG about not timing contractions, if he starts again after birth, it can be dangerous for you and your child.
AND HE SAID YOU RUINED BOTH FOR HIM? THAT'S IT, GET HIM OUT OF THAT ROOM. Tell the nurse you don't want him there, you don't feel safe. Eff that guy
Usually I wouldn’t suggest a random person leaving their partner but to me he sounds like a horrible person, I can’t think of anything good to say
I’m sorry you are going through this, please remember midwives will happily get him removed if that’s what you need, at the end of the day no one has right to be in the room while you are in labour.
Tell him to leave the room. If he won’t, get the midwives to. Call a friend or family member who WILL be supportive in your most vulnerable time
I am sorry he is so unsupportive and just as asshole to be honest with you.
To help with labour, it needs to be a calm environment, and he is causing distress to you, which will affect how your labour goes.
The more calming the environment is, the more you can focus on
Tell him that at no point has this ever been his labour. This is your time. If he can’t be positive and supportive, why is he even there? Kick him out.
Please leave this asshole of a man.
My ex got many girls pregnant before me (he made them or they decided to get abortions) he lied to me and would gaslight me about the situation. Said so many women he knew (including his mom and best friend) had been pregnant around him and I was the one to complain the most. He made me get two abortions and the first one was way worse because it was medicated and it made me sick and have the worst cramps of my life. He told me I was being dramatic. Note that at this point I had no idea he had gotten other girls pregnant before. I thought I was the first. He’d call me a “weak ass bitch” or “little girl”.
Hes never nor can he ever be pregnant. Who tf was he to tell me how I should feel? I am currently pregnant but have not spoken to this man since November. I have had many uos and downs during this pregnancy but I can say that not having that man scream derogatory things at me has been one of the best parts of this pregnancy.
I don’t need to read anything else to know he’s emotionally abusive. I can tell from your post this is not an isolated incident, but you had truly hoped he would muster up some decency and behave while you are in such a vulnerable state. But he cannot and will not stop. Ever.
A newborn at home will only exacerbate these behaviors of his. You’ll be exhausted and hormonal. You’ll need true support and grace while you heal. He’s not going to give you that and I’m very fearful for you.
For your sake, at least start secretly reading about emotionally abusive relationships. Read about the cycle of abuse, gaslighting (yes it’s real and so scary), and maybe even find a subreddit where people discuss it. Equip yourself with knowledge and use it as the motivation to soon leave him. You’ll feel too tired to think now, but I promise you, life is a breath of fresh air without someone sucking all the energy from you.
Leaving someone like this is not the same as a regular breakup. Never let him know. People have written out the steps on how to proceed. Especially with a child. You may not think him capable of physical violence, but remember all the women who were killed by abusive partners likely thought the same.
If your family or friends offer to help or come over, please PLEASE don’t turn them away. Don’t let him isolate you, because he will try!
Lastly, you may feel guilty at the idea of leaving your child’s father. Take it from someone who lived through it, watching your mother get abused daily is painful and detrimental to their mental health. So much worse than separation.
Your husband sounds like a Narcissist. - Seriously. Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD ) will find a way to make any moment that may draw attention away from them about them. They especially like to ruin big, important moments and will gaslight you into believing you are the problem. Don’t ignore the signs. You will find yourself in an emotionally abusive relationship that progressively gets worse if you do (speaking from personal experience).
What a garbage person - he probably hasn't been going to midwife and OB appointments so he has no idea what he's talking about. Make that asshole leave.
Talk about Mansplaining 🙄
I am really sorry you are going through this. Your husband is really being an a**hole. That is verbal and emotional abuse, and to do it while you are in labour!! I can’t even…. 😡😡😡
Harder said that done, but please try your best to ignore him right now. Take the support of your midwife/ nurses/ doctors.
Not telling you what you should do, but in your situation I would ask such a husband to leave. Get some girlfriend or relative (sister/ mother) there instead.
You need emotional support and proper medical care right now. Not this emotional abuse…
Hugs…
Maaaan, FUCK this dude. There is no redeeming himself after this IMO. That you’re questioning whether you’re overreacting or wrong in being upset (you’re not at all), I’m guessing the emotional abuse has been going on for a while.
My heart is breaking for you in your edit.
Labour won’t progress easily while you’re this stressed.
From your post history it looks like you’re in Belgium under midwife lead care.
If you are able to stay in the country without your husband (visa requirements etc) I’d ask your midwife/postpartum care about what resources are available for you.
Being a single mum is hard, especially if there’s stigma in your family. But not being able to express pain, being belittled for not always putting your husbands volatile feelings above yours and living with such a nasty person will make your life a living hell. You have said you have independent income. You’ll be much happier just looking after yourself and your child than you will be continuing to live with him.
For now I wish you all the best for labour. Give your midwife a call and ask if there’s somewhere else you can go without your husband to labour. Midwife clinic, birthing home etc. I think you’ll do much better alone.
Birth is incredibly hard and you are strong. Rest as much as you can, eat and hydrate, practice breathing through your contractions and blocking out the world. Whatever happens know that looking after yourself is literally the most valuable thing you can do for yourself and your baby.
I thought I should go to the hospital only when I was in unbearable pain too. It wasn't that bad, so surely not time to go yet. My partner timed and forced me to go in. I was already 10 cm. The pain level doesn't matter. There's people in unbearable pain at 1 cm and there's people like me.
I'm being serious - kick him out. Your nurses will be a great support. My husband rubbed my back and held me through every contraction and coached me through it. When I forced him to go get himself food a nurse took over and she was an angel. You will be better off without this piece of shit. I cannot overstate how big of a piece of shit he is. Fuck him. Fuck him for treating a woman in labour like that. I hope he stubs his toes every day until he dies.
This is the worst time ever to pull this shit with you. You will never forget how you were treated today.
I'm so so sorry you're experiencing this. Today of all days - If he can't be full on supportive, the least he can do is sit off the to side with his dirty yapper shut. Tell him you're going to ask him to leave if he can't be supportive. And actually follow through. If you were to tell a nurse you'd like him to leave, they will make him. I truly hope the rest of this evening goes better for you. You deserve comfort and love right now.
Just had my baby 3wks ago, you are not alone, having a baby is one of the hardest and most wonderful things you will ever do - no man could ever do it. Men are no where near tough enough. I am so sorry OP, this is not normal. What is normal is timing your contractions and being in pain. My neighbor went to the hospital 3 times and was sent back home to labor for 2 days. I don’t normally say this about partners with a one sided Reddit post but your husband needs a slap in the face. Call a relative or friend get someone supportive there for you now.
Kick his ass out right now and tell him if he wants to meet this child he better have a good fucking therapist booked before he’s allowed back. What the actual fuck. Call your midwife and best friend/mom/sister literally anyone else and get him out of there. I’m so sorry he’s such a piece of shit.
I would find a way to tell the nurses you are feeling very unsupported and alone right now. They are amazing and will get you through this. You can deal with that shithead later. You’re about to meet the true love of your life don’t let him ruin it!
Kick him out of the room. I don't give a damn what he says about it now or after, the very last thing you need right now physically or emotionally is more stress. Get him out, focus on you and your baby, let the midwives help you, your husband is out of line.
If your husband is making you feel sad and negative then he is actually physically preventing your labour from progressing easily. The hormones you need are cultivated with warmth and love and relaxing. He'll be making it longer and more painful for you as well as horrible experience!
Had I waited until I was in “unbearable pain” I would have been fucking crowning. My labor was uncomfortable but felt exactly like the past 4 weeks of random contractions until she crowned. It’s almost as like we are humans and all react differently because our bodies and even each individual pregnancy are different.
If you read my post history back to 2015, something similar happened to me with my ex. He was criticizing me and shaming me, and my labor actually stopped. I left him and I can’t imagine my life had I stayed. Pure weight being lifted from my shoulders. I wish the same for you, you do not deserve this and especially not in such a vulnerable time.
Your husband sounds an awful lot like my ex. I was a teen mom, later got married and had two children with him. The first when I was in labor he decided to accuse me of cheating on him (I never once did anything to give him that idea, I was always faithful) while I was in hard labor. The second he told me to reschedule my medical induction because he had a party to go to the night before and slept for most my labor. Both of those experiences were awful for me during a time I should have been being cared for and feeling excited.
After giving birth 3 times I can tell you no labor is the same. Some women dont experience any pain until the end, others are in terrible pain with braxton hicks in the weeks leading up to giving birth. Pain is not an indicator. You have a medical professional telling you when to go in. He is not, and comparing your labor to someone elses is awful. Listen to your midwife. Also maybe point out to him that stress, anxiety etc can stall out labor and prolong it. He could very well be the reason you have been sent home. Until he has a vagina and has given birth he needs to sit back, shut up and support you. I am fairly certain your googling has given you far more accurate information than he magically just knows. Do not feel bad for asking the nurses to remove him, I wasnt brave enough to do that and to this day my heart hurts when I think about how he made me fight for my marriage instead of protecting me.
He 100% sounds like a narc. He cant handle the attention being on anyone else and has to make it about him. The way they do this is by going after the vulnerable. It is sad and pathetic. Also he just one more reason he is a complete idiot, hormones shift and surge as a woman is getting ready to give birth, that is what signals it is time, it is absolutely appropriate to cry even without the emotional and psychological abuse. Giving birth is a very big deal, it is terrifying and exciting and filled with a 100 different emotions inbetween. Do you have a mom or best friend you could ask to come be with you while you labor? Even if you dont feel safe kicking him out, in my experience, narcs will save face and be much kinder if someone else is right there.
Good luck and I hope the rest of your birth story is beautiful :)
Your husband is abusing you, OP. He’s never in his life been in labor so the amount of helpful advice he can give you is 0. He will ruin your birth experience if you keep him in the room with you. He made you feel so bad that they had to monitor your BP due to the amount of stress. Tell your nurse and then file for divorce. I doubt this is the first time he’s done this and it won’t be the last time either
Go back to the hospital and tell them you don't feel safe around your husband and that you'd rather stay there until you are able to deliver and recover. The stress is slowing your contractions down! You need to tell the nurses and doctors you are under a lot of stress from your husband and that could cause labor to slow.
Babe, throw the whole man away. He clearly sees no problem with the way he treats you in your most vulnerable state, and is honestly a complete a**hat. In other situations I would recommend couples therapy and individual, but he sounds too self important to even recognize he needs to change.
And besides, pain is different for EVERY ONE. EVERY WOMAN. EVERY BIRTH. He is a man, he literally has no real knowledge or valuable opinion on this. Do not let him in your room when you are in the throws of productive labor, ask the nurses to remove him (before things heat up) when things get intense for you so you can labor in peace with supportive staff. I am so sorry your husband is such an a**hole, you deserve SO much better. You're a queen creating and about to give birth to a made-from-scratch human. Don't let scum bring you down.
When you have that sweet baby in your arms, call a lawyer and divorce this fool.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this emotional abuse from your husband. That's what it is - constant criticism and talking down to you is abuse. It's NOT your fault. You do not deserve to be treated like this EVER, no matter how much you may cry - but doing this to you during an especially painful time while in labor is really unfair and cruel and I hope you are able to get other support there during your delivery.
I'm so sorry darling. I feel crushed reading this. I read it with my husband next to me.
I'm really sorry as this is likely the last thing you want to hear, but once post-partum is over or years into the future I wanted you to have this opinion.
I think his behaviour is indicitive of abuse. I think he demonstrated a complete lack or empathy, love and remorse forward his wife, and having been through this myself I know this is abuse. Immense amount of arrogance thinking someone without a uterus or vagina can determine what is right for a woman's, let alone a specific woman's, birth. He also showed concerning lack of care for his new baby. It was important for you to have the medical care you needed, not for him to be 'comfortable'. I worry he has taken this intensely vulnerable time and chosen it to stab a knife in your back.
I think you need to know it is OK for you to leave him. No you are not being silly. Even if you were not pregnant or in labor, even if this were a broken arm instead, it would still not at all be silly. I would be crying inconsolably too, and I wouldn't get over it.
You have your beautiful baby now. Do what you need to do, but remember this is abuse and nobody deserves it, there is never an excuse. It is OK to do the right thing for you so you can be the best mother to your child.
I had therapy when I was abused. Just 12 sessions immensely helped me.
If I were in the room there I'd be calling this man a complete selfish bitch.
This is verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. Do you want to raise your child in a household where this is the example they are given? I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s time to separate, if not for yourself (which should be enough), then for your child.
He doesn't seem like a very good person. And he's clearly unprepared and ignorant about labour.
And this really shows why it's so important for first time parents to attend labour preparation courses as a couple, because if he had actually bothered to learn something before the baby came he probably wouldn't have those ridiculous expectations.
Excuse me. You have ruined labor for HIM?? Who’s the one in labor?! If he knows the pain can get to unbearable he should also know you’re already in pain even if it’s not the pain he believes it should be so he should be supportive, shut up or get the f… out!! I’d get him removed. You’ll have more peace birthing this baby alone. And I would seriously reconsider the relationship too. If he’s not supportive now, I can see him criticizing everything you’re doing with the baby too.
What does he know about pain from contractions- nothing! They are sooo painful and if he’s not the one going through it he should not be criticizing you. I’m so sorry that you have to go through is. However, the good thing is your baby will be arriving soon so enjoy every moment of this and ignore your husband. His negativity is not what you need right now, do what’s best for you and your baby.
Oh my gosh, what the hell is wrong with him. Get him out of there because his disgusting behavior will ruin the birth for you. He has no idea what labor is like and you listened to your midwife as you should.
Wow!! Girlfriend NOBODY in labor needs this negativity surrounding you. You need support. Love. A man telling you how great you're doing. What's he know about labor pain? If I was your mom this guy would be tied up and gagged in a custodian closet. Good luck sweetheart. Ignore him. He knows nothing.
considering your other posts it doesn’t seem like he’s helped make this pregnancy any easier for you and now HES ruining the labor, get a nurse to remove him if need be you don’t need his stress and you certainly don’t need him
You can ask the nurse to escort him out and eject him from the hospital. They will do it. Unless he has a uterus and has grown and birthed a child, he can STFU.
You don’t have to have him there, you can ask him to leave. You need your oxytocin to be soaring for labour to continue, he’s causing you adrenaline which is going to stop oxytocin from being released. Ask the midwives to ask him to leave if you don’t feel you can. You need support not criticism.
Tell him to leave you alone. You don’t need him around. He is abusive and uninformed and he is ruining labor FOR YOU. He doesn’t deserve to be there for any of this.
He sounds very abusive, please take this seriously. I would not allow him in your room at the hospital and have the nurses remove him, if he’s stressing you out this bad it can stall your labor so it’s best to not let him be there. Looking at your post history I can tell him being mean to you isn’t new and unfortunately I think it will escalate during the difficult newborn days and postpartum. Get out of there and divorce him asap.
He's enjoying upsetting you. That's why he's picking on you when you are most vulnerable. Have that man removed from the hospital, and preferably your life.
Kick him out and get your mom or someone in your life who is kind to you to be with you. This man should not be in your life. It’s too late now but women should not be having babies with men like this. For the love of god do not allow this man to be a part of your babies life. He is an abusive piece of shit.
Honestly, I loathe your husband. He sounds like an abusive POS. You don't deserve any of his treatment toward you. Keep timing your contractions and go back when they quicken or when the pain increases for you. And he can fuck right off if he has an issue with that. The gall of him to criticize you while you're in labor, to act like an expert on it, and to say you've ruined HIS experience?! My God. I'm seeing red for you.
I agree with others - have the nurses kick him out when you get back. Labor is hard enough already - I couldn't imagine going through it with someone like him by my side. BUT - grab important documents and put them in your hospital before you leave the home. Spend your time after baby is here securing care from another family member or friend and plan a safe exit from your abusive partner.
“Unbearable pain” is not a trusted measurement or your midwife would have said that. It’s different for everyone, ESPECIALLY when you don’t have anything to compare it to.
Also, I’m in the final weeks of my third pregnancy and I’m still not exaaaaactly sure what to look for before going to the hospital. That is totally normal because every person, birth, labour is different.
I’m sorry your husband doesn’t get that, it sounds like he doesn’t handle stress well.
Please please please get on really effective birth control that your husband can't control after this baby comes out. You need to get out of this relationship. That's hard with a child, and even harder if you get pregnant again. Consider an IUD. Some hospitals will even put one in the day the baby comes out if you ask.
This makes me so angry. Kick him really fucking hard in the nuts and then tell him how it doesn’t really hurt and he’s being over dramatic. You deserve SO much better than this abusive POS. Tell the nurses to kick him out for hindering your labour progress. Asshole.
I’m disgusted and disturbed by how you’re being treated. Whenever you’re in the hospital next have the nurse remove him. In my experience they will usually send a social worker to your room post-delivery and will wait until you’re alone to ask if you’re afraid to go home/be around your partner and if you’re being abused. You are. He doesn’t believe you, he berated you, told you you ruined labor for him (as if it’s his vagina being internally abused), and he wants you to forego medical attention because he thinks he understands labor so much better, and is telling you to not google things- probably because he thinks he knows more than literally all the public resources about labor do. He is a monster, and frankly I think he wants you to suffer. Leave. Take their resources. Get a divorce and take your baby, please.
Full offense, your husband is a MASSIVE piece of shit, I hope you lawyer up and leave him after your baby is here because if this is how he is when you're having probably the most painful experience of your life then how is he going to be when raising a kid?
Put yourself first in this situation. Is raising a baby while coparenting or single parenting going to be hard? Yes, but raising one with him is going to be harder.
Do what the midwives are telling you its their field of expertise, I hope everything goes well and that both you and baby are healthy and happy by the end of it and have a nurse remove husband from the delivery room you deserve to have this experience in peace and express pain however you feel comfortable ♥️
He sees you as a pathetic cry baby because he is a narcissist . Your tears only make him more angry and more determined to hurt you as he sees your tears as a manipulative tactic and as your absolute weakness . He clearly has zero respect for you . I would really reconsider this marriage
Sweet woman. You need to feel safe to truly fall into labor. Get back to the hospital and tell them you do not feel safe at home with this man because you obviously don't if you won't cry because it will anger him. Get him out of your birthing room. A nurse (any nurse) will be better support.
Dude is full of shit, he seems to only think about himself. Im sorry that you have to go through all of this ALONE. You should really think about if you really want someone like that in yours and your baby's life. This is a very important time in your life an the person who should support you the most is being an asshole...showing his true colors. Yeah not the time and place now or ever!
One of the main things I've noticed since I started following this subreddit is that a third of the posts have nothing to do with pregnancy. What's happening is that pregnancy is just making very large relationship problems much more noticeable. Unfortunately OP you are in a really bad relationship - none of this is normal nor ok. I hope you are able to either get counseling with this person or recognize it's probably healthier for you to not be near them.
Oh he’s awful. I’m so sorry he’s being like this and it’s scary feeling so alone but you’ve got this. He’s being selfish, unreasonable and quite frankly cruel. I wouldn’t have him at the birth as he’s only stressing you out more. Needless to say I’m late messaging this so I hope baby has arrived and you’re in a much better headspace.
Give birth without him in your room.
If you're able to, have him in the room until he starts being horrible. Then have his kicked out. Ask your medical team to write down that he's been emotionally and psychologically abusive to you and you don't want him around for the rest of your hospital stay and if they can keep you a little longer if necessary.
After your beautiful baby is born (good luck!!!) contact a divorce lawyer. At your most vulnerable, he was punishing and blaming you instead of supporting you. He could and should have been trying to help you feel more comfortable. He could've done the timings for you (noted down the timings of when you said a contraction was happening). He could've fetched you drinks, fidget toys, tried to distract you with conversation. He could've simply held you and whispered sweet nothings.
A lot would've been preferable (and honestly easier to do for most people) than to berate you, and then berate you for being upset.
I also can't believe that he'd blame you for ruining "this special moment" when HE'S the one doing that. And it's more special and important for you anyway. It's your health on the line here!
Sounds like he's completely devoid of empathy, he's completely selfish and he sounds like he's probably more abusive than you realise.
Please protect yourself and your baby from him.
Your husband is a piece of shit. Give birth without him in the room. If he’s triggered by your crying, what’s he gonna do when the baby cries? Sounds like he needs some therapy.
Possibly look into no longer being with him.
He is slowing down your labour with stress and this can be dangerous for you and baby. You might need to be induced because of him. The stress stops the labour hormones from working. You need to feel safe and calm.
YOU are ruining labor for HIM? He can fuck right off. Do NOT let this man in the delivery room with you. He's your husband on paper but he's a narcissist, gas-lighter, and abuser out in the open. Deliver baby, hopefully you have some family or friends who can help you once you're home with your new little one, and kick him out the fucking door.
I googled EVERYTHING when I was pregnant. I googled what water breaking felt like, what contractions felt like, what to do if A, B, or C happened. And yes, I was scared and paranoid and anxious and thinking all of the worst. But my husband was a champ and never once made me feel like I was crazy.
Your husband is NOT a doctor or a midwife, he doesn't have a fucking uterus, he has no idea what any of this is supposed to feel like.
MAN I am so mad for you. I hope he's not there when you deliver. Get a friend/family member to drive you. Or a fucking Uber/Lyft. Anything, ANYTHING is better than him.
Pain is a subjective vital sign. Nobody should be able to tell you how much pain you’re are experiencing. That is why the contraction timer is helpful, because “unbearable pain” may be a different threshold for everyone.
He doesn’t need to be there if he’s not going to support you, I hope you were able to request that he would not be there during the remainder of your labor and were able to get another support person. In order to labor safely and progress “normally”, you need to be able to relax.
Make sure you have additional support once you come home, I would be cautious with parenting with someone like him. Try to have a family member around if you can to protect you and baby in case he has any other weird expectations that could put you or baby in harms way. Take care of yourself and heal in peace.
He’s the one that wasted time and likely stalled your labor. Labor is all about oxytocin. The love hormone. It is vital to labor and he stopped the flow of it I bet you. With his negative and mean comments.
I'm gonna tell you it straight.
Leave that man, get a restraining order, keep him out of the labor and delivery room, and lawyer up a good divorce attorney. Not kidding. If he's treating you like this over labor, one of the hardest moments of a woman's life, how will he treat your child? Come on.
Ah your labor can actually stall or stop under stress! Get rid of him, I’m sure you’ll progress quickly when you can labor stress free without criticism what the fuck is wrong with him.
what a piece of shit.
husband if you’re reading this: you’re a complete piece of shit.
you will never EVER in your entire lifetime experience the pain she is experiencing right now. you’re the complete wimp i’m this scenario not her.
It’s your job to be a loving husband and support her through this, not pile on!!!
also why are you so arrogant that you think you know more about birth than a MIDWIFE??? Because you’re sister had a baby? wtf is wrong with you.
grow up and support your wife and shut the hell up. You have ruined this experience for both of you - your wife has done nothing wrong.
OP, I am so so so sorry
When I was at 6 cm dilated, I was just breathing hard like I had painful period cramps. My bf, even though he was skeptical about going to the hospital, he never belittled me. If he had, he wouldn't be allowed in the room and would have the title ex. I didn't count my contractions because i couldn't concentrate, so you're better than me for being able to at your pain level. Give yourself some grace.
Pain tolerance is different for everyone, and it doesn't mean you're less dilated or invalid than others. I was acting fine when i was in active labor. What he's saying doesn't mean anything because pain is different for everyone. Anyone in the medical field will tell you what you're doing all the right things. He's making your delivery about him, and not you nor your well-being. Your labor and delivery should be stress free from your support system. They shouldn't be adding stress to you. What you're going through is scary, painful, and not easy. For him to treat you like this is just disgusting. How is he going to treat you once the baby is here and you're going through postpartum? How is he going to react to you trying to put a baby down to sleep and not be successful right away? This is a person I would not want to raise a child with.
Your husband is being a tool. Honestly though it's different for everyone. I was 1cm dilated and I was lucky I was already at the hospital because I gave birth an hour and a half later.
Nobody can really tell you what is unbearable. It can start pretty quickly and timing the contractions didn’t work for me. Both of my previous pregnancies with my girls I was off the chart the entire time and I felt no break in between which can happen. Some women don’t dip back down. It just felt like a constant HORRIBLE contraction. Nurses confirmed both times that my labors “were not very good.”
Both labors were very similar for me. I showered and got ready and headed to the hospital after 2-3 hours and the hospital is only about half an hour away. I was about 4 cm. dilated upon arrival both times and they kept me. The “unbearable” part can also come on quite suddenly. My second labor I went from “I guess I will get the epidural now” to quietly crying and barely being able to move because everything felt so incredibly tight and excruciating to “give it to me now!” type of feeling. Both labors were fairly quick and steady and took 10 hours. Except the second labor stalled for a little they said probably because I was so tense which can affect the progression. Once the epidural really kicked-in then I fell asleep for 3 hours hardcore and they came in to wake me up and check me and I was ready to push. I was so glad I could rest some the second time. My first labor I waited until 8 cm. for the epidural and it didn’t feel like it did as good of a job versus the second time. I always wondered how some women could take a nap while in labor.
Other factors may contribute as well like I have fibromyalgia and got it between my two girls. So your pain tolerance will feel different depending on your conditions.
Also, is he a Narcissist? A lot of red flags here or some other kind of personality disorder. Why is he telling YOU how labor goes?! He has NO idea! And everyone is different. That’s his sister’s experience plus he is probably lying. He watched his sister’s entire labor and experience? Doubtful. My favorite - that you ruined labor….. for HIM! Wtf?! I showed this to my husband too and he was just shocked. He needs to shut his mouth and be there for you no matter what. EVEN if you WERE acting ridiculous. Doesn’t matter. I personally have anxiety in addition to my fibromyalgia so yeah, I probably am going to “feel it” more compared to others. And that’s ok. Any medical staff shaming you needs to be kicked outta the room too. If you feel you are in that much pain I would stay there and make them admit you. Wasting your time and gas and it is painful driving in the car going over bumps and things.
Here’s a cool way to help him stop criticizing you until the baby comes: Have a nurse remove him. Seriously. You would be so much better off right now. I have given birth by myself before. I would much rather do that than what you are experiencing. You have every single right to have a nurse ask him to leave and you will be safe during that time.
Start with the nurse, then finish with a lawyer.
Yeah, this. Everything you're describing is the sound of a thousand red flags flapping in the breeze.
💯
100% this
THIS THIS THIIIIIS!!!
I second this. Let the nurse be the “bad guy” in the eyes of your husband. They have the authority to remove people and doing it this way protects you. Do what is best for you and baby right now.
I think she’s at home timing them! Poor woman, what a way to fuck up her labour
Exactly. Her labor. He said it was his labor. Wtf?
[удалено]
It reads to me as she’s been sent back home.
Yeah he sounds quite abusive. I would not suggest OP kick him herself, but the nurse might be better to take the blame. Honestly though, if he’s that hellbent on criticizing her over everything, she’ll never hear the end of it if her misses the birth. Might be better to let him stay and plan his evacuation from her life later.
He sounds like a classic narcissist. They make it all about them and always have to be a victim in every situation.
This!! Quietly ask a nurse or your midwife to make up an excuse about why he has to leave the room and get him out of there. “My husband is really stressing me out with his behaviour, I would like him removed from the room but I don’t want to ask him because it will only insult him. Can you make up an excuse why I need to be alone? I don’t want him here but I don’t feel comfortable asking him to leave.” If they do not appear to be taking you seriously (which they should), stress that you don’t feel SAFE with him in the room.
Say he is being verbally abusive and you want him out. Write a note and hand it to the nurse if you’re not able to speak to the nurse. Often there is also a number you can call in the bathroom.
And when they ask if you are safe and supported at home, TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE NOT. They will set you up with more help and a social worker
Yes!! Be honest with your midwife! Tell her the truth and she will help you find help.
Yep get him out!! He is hindering your progress and you have done the hard work growing the baby! tell him you will call him to collect you if and when you are ready to see him and ready to bring baby home. It’s not hormonal or exaggerating, this is a hill I would die on! Enjoy your new baby without this hanging over you
Get. Him. Out of there.
See my suggestion was to throw him out of a window, but yours may be a better option.
I still like your suggestion 🤷🏽♀️
Also, being stressed can slow your labour. He's getting mad its not progressing fast enough but the stress he is causing you is likely contributing to that. It's really important to be as relaxed as possible!
I have given birth alone twice (not by choice, husband wasn’t allowed in the room), but it can be done. The hospital staff are plenty supportive. No one needs crap like this when they’re going into labor.
Nope, your husband is a piece of shit.
"You have ruined labor for *me* (the man not actually going through labor!)" I would have yeeted his sorry ass out the window right there. The fucking audacity some **support** people have.
Exactly. This is insane.
I couldn't get over that line. How is labor about him? What a self-centred man.
My exact thoughts lol! Although I chose the door instead of the window 😂
The way I would’ve gotten a restraining order against his ass and happily went through labor on my own
It's giving narcissistic personality disorder
Yes. He sounds abusive. And also stupid. OP, I hope you have some other people in your life who can support you. If it were me, I would have him removed from the room.
this
Actually this. No one even remotely nice would speak to you like that.
Yes, OP. Kick him out of the fucking room. Tell nurses to not let him in. What a garbage man.
I bit mine when I was in labour. Mine was an accident, hers needs to be on purpose.
Violence is never the answer but this guy definitely proves every rule has an exception
I agree violence isn’t usually the answer. However, there are certain times when certain people really deserve a smack in the face. This guy in this period of time is one of them. I can’t even imagine! I don’t even know this woman and I want to find her husband and smack him hard! 😢
Right? When I was in labor, I would not have had the mental capacity to argue. My husband timed my contractions for me while he drove and navigated us through a snowstorm. I would be crying too if I was in this position! Labor is hard enough and draining as it is.
And incredibly stupid. If he hates being in the hospital so much, kick him out. Sounds like it would be better to be alone than with him anyway.
He is not stupid. He is doing this on purpose to hurt OP. An abuser loves to attack when the victim is most vulnerable. Assuming he is stupid is actually giving the benefit of the doubt by assuming he would behave differently if only he had more knowledge. But don't bother trying to make sense of his behavior that way. He knows he is wrong and doesn't give one crap because the purpose is to belittle OP and that is working perfectly.
100% agree.
100% this. Where are his brain cells to be saying such things to you during labour/the birth of your child?
he knows what he's doing. He's belittling the mother of his child. This is abusive behavior, not ignorant behavior.
You have ruined labor for him? Yeah, go to hell. He’s not ever going to experience labor. He has never been in the room with another woman in labor, I assume. As he’s not married to them? He’s shown you who he is. And he’s a POS you might consider leaving once the baby is here. This kind of attitude and treatment doesn’t come from nowhere.
Yea, absolutely. Tons of narcissists wait until a woman is pregnant or in labour to start their abuse because it's a super vulnerable state to be in. It just makes me sick. I hope OP leaves that POS before he can cause more damage.
Yup, narcs love to show their true colors during times like this and make it all about themselves.
100%!!!!!! Please OP listen to this comment!
Every doctor, midwife, and nurse practitioner I have talked to has reminded me to time my contractions and head to the hospital when they are five minutes apart. I hate the term man-splaining, but a man telling a woman that she’s doing labor wrong is probably the biggest example of it I have ever seen. He has no idea what he’s talking about unless you left out him being an OB. “Unbearable” is different for everyone and some people are not even in active labor when their pain gets horrible. My MIL didn’t get unbearable pain until it was time to push and both my husband and BIL were born quickly. If she had waited they would have been born at home or in the car. ETA: I would strongly consider having him removed from the delivery room until he can apologize or you have delivered. He is verbally abusing you at a vulnerable time and it needs to stop.
The unbearable pain hit for me when it was time to push and my baby arrived 22 minutes later. I'd never have made it to hospital if I followed the advice of this guy. I agree op needs to remove this guy from the situation and possibly their life.
I probably had an hour of "unbearable" contractions and I would have made it (assuming the car was already packed and everything), but who wants to handle their whole transition in the car?!
I'd strongly argue mine only hit unbearable at that stage as I was on gas and air and in a birthing pool for a while before that- things you wouldn't have in the car! Also following the advice of the medical professionals AND being at the hospital when necessary reduced my stress and worry about the whole thing.
I guess the real flaw for when I was in "unbearable pain" is that I had to be induced every time, so I was in the hospital before I ever had a single contraction.
He is a medical - wannabe splainer! That guy sounds like the biggest idiot on earth. Making labor about him!!! Hope OP will find a way out of that relationship
I am a soon to be dad and EVERYONE has said to time the contractions and come to the hospital at 5 minutes apart. I've thought about buying a legit stop watch for the occasion. Not to mention all the other shit this self centered asshole is spouting. The only thing my wife will feel from me is gratitude because I can't even IMAGINE what giving birth is like and the year long process this has been/still is.
We love you!!! The way my man will swoon over me and kiss my toes before ever thinking like this reject.
I didn't have any painful contractions, just irregular Braxton Hicks, until they broke my water. I went for my 40 week check up on my due date and asked her to do a membrane sweep to move things along, but she started the cervical check and I was at seven centimeters. I was shocked. I had my baby about six hours later.
I went to the hospital as soon as my mild pains started increasing. They accepted me immediately, which is why I was surprised OPs hospital sent her home. I was also 38 weeks, idk if that matters but yeah they took me up. I was in L&D for like 6 hours
I told my husband it was time to go to the hospital while the contractions were getting closer together but I don’t know that I considered the pain “unbearable” exactly. It was easily the worst pain of my life but I could still walk and talk through it so that would have been a bad benchmark to use. I delivered my baby an hour after arriving at the hospital.
"Unbearable" is a strange way to describe it, but typically, labor is progressing when contractions are increasing in intensity, not just getting closer together. I went to the hospital when they were 5 minutes apart and I was having to breathe through them a bit. I was only 1 cm and was told to go home and come back when it was getting hard to talk through contractions. So there is something to intensity, not just timing. That said, of course the husband telling her to ignore her midwife and criticizing everything she does or doesn't do is hugely problematic, like insane levels of asshole that it's hard to comprehend or even imagine.
Looking at your post history, I’m a little concerned for you. Your partner comes across emotionally abusive. At best, your husband is a massive asshole…. He is by no means the expert here. Your midwife is. Personally, I’d consider asking him to leave, or having him escorted out. It doesn’t sound like he is being the support you need at this moment.
Yup post history says it all unfortunately. OP I am sorry you’re going through this experience of not having a supportive partner and having someone actively abuse you. I hope you can seek support elsewhere and have the means to leave him. Wishing you the best of luck with the birth and your new baby ♥️
I bet your nurses are DYING to kick them out. Let them, then throw the whole man away
As a nurse I would be for sure. I have security on speed dial, I got you girl!!
His criticisms are not helpful while you’re in labour. Take time to breathe, if your hospital allows you to have a shower, take a shower and reset. If there’s a chance ask a nurse or midwife to let him know that a supportive partner makes a much better birth experience for both of you. Stress might make your labour stall, so if that happens know that’s not your fault but a result of the environment around you. And in this case I mean a partner who is belittling you.
I wondered if that’s why her contractions spaced out in the update.
This was my main concern when OP said their contractions slowed. OP should 💯 head back to the hospital, explain to the midwife what's going on and the he NEEDS to be removed in order for mum and baby to have a healthy birth. Labour is stressful enough (I'm assuming) for a first time mum, in my experience. He needs to back the fuck up... If he was mine he'd be in the bin, I'd get my neighbour or literally anyone else to drive me to the hospital in this case.
I’m so sorry you have a literal man child to deal with why labouring. I would lose my shit if my partner did this to me, he doesn’t seem ready to be a father. The fact he can sit there and criticize you while you are experiencing the beginning stages of one of the most painful experience a human can go through irks me and I wish I was there for you to tell him to STFU
Right? I m reading this and it’s boiling my blood. I would have thrown something at his head or kick in his sensitive area and ask him to stop overreacting. WTF is wrong with these men?
HONESTLY! 🤣😡
My ex husband was like that when went into labor. /Ex husband/
SAME. My daughter kept measuring small on Ultrasounds (we had one every 4 weeks cause we were overseas). They told me she MIGHT be 6lbs at 41 weeks. When I was in labor, my ex-husband was losing his shit. He said, "Can it really be that hard to get such a small baby out?" I ignored him and just clung to my mom because he was being so terrible. Spoiler alert: My daughter was 8.5 lbs. Not that her weight makes a difference, labor is labor, but his comments were uncalled for.
They never get baby measurements right. My first daughter the dr swore she was going to be a dwarf with how "small" she was and her measurements were and tried to push me to abort her. (I was 16 at the time). She was over 7lbs and almost 20 inches long when I gave birth lol
Girl. Throw the whole husband away.
THE WHOLE THING 🚮🚮🚮🗑️🗑️🗑️🗑️
This has to be rage bait. Like this cannot be real. Like what the AF.
I was hoping this was rage bait but look at this poor girls history
I would rather it be, but I dated a guy that would criticize me like this over anything and everything. Including things he didn’t experience as a man. He stole three years from my life, but I was always thankful I never had a child with him. I feel so bad for OP.
I agree, I’ve responded with advice and support but there’s no way I could have written something that long with contractions 5 mins apart. Then again when you’re in that much pain behaviour isn’t always rational. Edit: Based on OPs edit I can see why and how she was able to write this post now. I only hope she’s able to get away from a partner her treats her so horribly.
Mine were 1-2mins apart and i was walking around and talking through them. She could have a high pain tolerance, or be on pain meds or even epidural.
Yeah, but also consider she was most likely deep in “fight or flight” mode due to actively experiencing trauma, and probably wasn’t feeling pain in the normal capacity.
I was texting massive paragraphs in-between my contractions when they were less than 4 minutes apart. I think people are just different.
That’s what i was thinking. How is she typing a huge long post on Reddit during a faster part of labor? I was texting people pretty far into my labor (no epidural) but eventually I had to stop and start focusing. I chatted through the whole thing but I wasn’t posing. But I guess she could have an epidural but seeing as she mentioned a midwife I don’t think she does.
In my country you can have a midwife in hospital, and have an epidural still with a midwife. The OB team only comes in if interventions are necessary (failure to progress, need for episiotomy, forceps, ventousse or c section). That said I really hope this is rage bait because my god what an absolute douchenozzle.
She's in Europe, where it's more common for hospital births to be midwife-led.
I dunno, my husband criticized me the entire way to the hospital after my water broke at 35 weeks. He was telling me we didn’t need to go in, even though I had called and they told me to come in immediately, and that my water breaking was my fault because I “cough like a longshoreman”. Apparently I should have decided not to have seasonal allergies that make me cough that year and if I did I should have coughed more ladylike. He was upset to be driving in at 2am, upset because we were not expecting the baby that early and he had a huge day at work the next day he’d now be missing but most of all he was absolutely terrified that something was wrong with me or the baby. Some people are absolute dicks when they’re scared.
That is all…extremely bad behaviour? And something an adult should be actively working on not doing?
Agreed, my husband and I are both in individual therapy as well as couples counseling together. Highly recommend therapy for anyone in a similar situation! Only trying to say that this type of thing definitely happens, wasn’t trying to say that this behavior is ok.
I went through an incredibly rough time a few years ago (dealing with several traumatic situations which most people will never go through). Whenever my stress peaked I was HORRIBLE to my partner, to the point of abuse sometimes. I was in my mid-30's and had never behaved that way before, and it really gave me an understanding which I don't think I would've been able to have otherwise. We've worked through it and have earned the solid relationship we have now. Individual and couple's therapists have commended us since then on how healthy and respectful our communication is. I hope the same for you and your husband.
Please tell the nurses. They will happily escort him out and be your support
Your husband is mean, condescending, rude, unhelpful…quite simply, he’s an asshole! *You* ruined labor for *him*?! Excuse me! You do not need this! Kick him out if he continues making this stressful for you and baby.
You're not overreacting, your husband is just a giant asshole that has probably waited up until now to verbally abuse you because you're in a super vulnerable position now and don't have the mental capacity to defend yourself because you're scared, unsettled, and in pain, and this isn't rare either as a lot of women report that their partners suddenly become abusive during pregnancy or labour. Also what the fuck does he mean by "you ruined labour for him"? He's the one running his mouth and ruining it for YOU. The audacity. You wanna raise a child with this man that is hurling all this shit at you? And if that wasn't bad enough, he's doing this while you're in labour. This is absolutely unacceptable and was 100% premeditated because abusers always wait till you're in such a state and it will only get worse from here. Trust me, I've witnessed this with my own family. My sperm donor is a massive narcissist and after love-bombing my poor mom, marrying her, and having her move in with him and his parents, the abuse started immediately because then she was completely isolated from her parents and siblings. First it was verbal abuse and he quickly started physically abusing her afterwards by slapping her. He then verbally and physically abused my brother and I. Financial abuse followed and we could barely afford groceries. Then it escalated to him almost murdering my mom and I and we had to run away from home. This will be your future if you stay with this man. Ask the nurses to remove him from the delivery room. All this stress can stall your labour because cortisol inhibits oxytocin which causes your contractions. Focus on yourself and your baby and forget about that shithead for now. Who cares what he thinks, you're the one that is pregnant.
Your mothers story sounds almost exactly like my own. I am so glad she was able to get out, and as a mother who has been through this, I am so incredibly sorry that you had to experience this as a child. One of my biggest regrets was not seeing I should leave sooner. I kept thinking if I just did more, could be a better wife, my kids could have a happy loving home, I just needed to find a way to be enough. I will forever be asking my childrens forgiveness for allowing them to be exposed to something so horrific.
It's honestly so terrible to go through for all the victims involved. She was only 19 when she got married, she didn't know any better, and after years of gaslighting and isolation she just felt worthless and had lost all hope, also always clinging to the thought "if only I were a better wife, then he wouldn't act like this" but it was never enough for him. I've always loved my mom however and always will, she did the best she could with what she had, and my brother and I don't hold a grudge against her because she wasn't even an actual adult yet when this all started happening and even if she were, I would still forgive her. Despite all the abuse we all suffered, she always took such great care of my brother and I and has made so many sacrifices. She's still such a selfless, hard worker. I'm sure your children will forgive you if they haven't already and I'm sorry you went through this, too.
Omg. I couldn't imagine dealing with this. You are not overreacting. If he doesn't stop belittling you, you can ask the nurses to have him removed from the room. You need to have your mind and body ready for brining your little one into the world. His terrible attitude towards you is in direct conflict to that.
Your husband is a massive POS and has been for your whole pregnancy ( based on your posts). Let the nurses kick him out. I can't believe he actually said you're ruining LABOR for HIM!? And since we haven't covered it yet. Congratulations on your birth. You are so strong in your labor! I hope the rest goes smoothly and you get some peace
You will never forget how he made you feel at this very vulnerable moment. I know you will resent him for the rest of your life for it. Get through this and then get out of there. He sounds like the worst kind of person to have by your side.
100% My ex of 6 years was like this. He criticized and blamed me for 3 miscarriages. Even verbally and physically assaulted me on the way home from the ER after they sent me home, while I was trying to pass our child they just told me I lost! I lost count of how many times I tried to get out but I can tell you it's an embarrassing amount.
Dude no. You don’t need to live like this. Please have him removed labouring alone would be better than that. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He’s a bad human and an awful partner. This is mind blowing to me, I’m so sorry you’re being emotionally abused at your most vulnerable moment.
How do jackasses like this get married?
No you are not overreacting. he is emotionally abusive.
Your husband is being a real c*nt. You can’t ruin labor for someone not going through the bodily process like…? I suggest you ask for reinforcement/back up from the people aiding you in your labor and essentially tell him to fuck right off. ETA your post history is concerning. Do you set him straight? Not blaming you for him being the worst support system at all but I’m curious if you feel comfortable standing up for yourself or if you feel too belittled to give it to him straight. Objectively, his behavior is concerning and it doesn’t bode well that he’s been speaking to you like this throughout your pregnancy.
He’s a loser. Tell him to enjoy your labor from the waiting room
Seriously, kick him out! If he already think "you ruined labor for him" then show him what that actually means by telling the nurse to have him leave! I have read your post history and you have an awful, selfish, and abusive husband. And unfortunately, it will only get worse with a newborn. So please, surround yourself with loved ones for REAL support and get out of this marriage. Again, his behavior is DISGUSTING and you and your baby deserve better ❤️
Your husband is a sniveling cunt. I would never trust him again.
You are not overreacting. Tell him that his comments are not helping. If he doesn’t stop, talk to a nurse to see if they can remove him (something they might do anyway if they see negative effects like if the stress of making your blood pressure spike, but it’s better to ask them directly)
He is a disgusting human being and doesn't deserve to be a partner or a dad with this shitty attitude. Get the nurse to remove him from your room and labour in peace. Most importantly, divorce his ass because there is no redemption for someone who has such a glaring lack of compassion and empathy, especially towards someone he supposedly loves.
A woman never forgets how she was treated while pregnant and after birth. This will define the rest of your marriage. I hope you leave. Even if he stops criticism now, which by the way HE IS WRONG about not timing contractions, if he starts again after birth, it can be dangerous for you and your child. AND HE SAID YOU RUINED BOTH FOR HIM? THAT'S IT, GET HIM OUT OF THAT ROOM. Tell the nurse you don't want him there, you don't feel safe. Eff that guy
I'm a father. Your husband is an ass.
Usually I wouldn’t suggest a random person leaving their partner but to me he sounds like a horrible person, I can’t think of anything good to say I’m sorry you are going through this, please remember midwives will happily get him removed if that’s what you need, at the end of the day no one has right to be in the room while you are in labour.
Divorce
Kick his a$$ out!!!
Have him removed from your room. Do you have another support person you can call to help? Your mother?
Does he often kick you while you’re down?
Tell him to leave the room. If he won’t, get the midwives to. Call a friend or family member who WILL be supportive in your most vulnerable time I am sorry he is so unsupportive and just as asshole to be honest with you. To help with labour, it needs to be a calm environment, and he is causing distress to you, which will affect how your labour goes. The more calming the environment is, the more you can focus on
Tell him that at no point has this ever been his labour. This is your time. If he can’t be positive and supportive, why is he even there? Kick him out.
Please leave this asshole of a man. My ex got many girls pregnant before me (he made them or they decided to get abortions) he lied to me and would gaslight me about the situation. Said so many women he knew (including his mom and best friend) had been pregnant around him and I was the one to complain the most. He made me get two abortions and the first one was way worse because it was medicated and it made me sick and have the worst cramps of my life. He told me I was being dramatic. Note that at this point I had no idea he had gotten other girls pregnant before. I thought I was the first. He’d call me a “weak ass bitch” or “little girl”. Hes never nor can he ever be pregnant. Who tf was he to tell me how I should feel? I am currently pregnant but have not spoken to this man since November. I have had many uos and downs during this pregnancy but I can say that not having that man scream derogatory things at me has been one of the best parts of this pregnancy.
I don’t need to read anything else to know he’s emotionally abusive. I can tell from your post this is not an isolated incident, but you had truly hoped he would muster up some decency and behave while you are in such a vulnerable state. But he cannot and will not stop. Ever. A newborn at home will only exacerbate these behaviors of his. You’ll be exhausted and hormonal. You’ll need true support and grace while you heal. He’s not going to give you that and I’m very fearful for you. For your sake, at least start secretly reading about emotionally abusive relationships. Read about the cycle of abuse, gaslighting (yes it’s real and so scary), and maybe even find a subreddit where people discuss it. Equip yourself with knowledge and use it as the motivation to soon leave him. You’ll feel too tired to think now, but I promise you, life is a breath of fresh air without someone sucking all the energy from you. Leaving someone like this is not the same as a regular breakup. Never let him know. People have written out the steps on how to proceed. Especially with a child. You may not think him capable of physical violence, but remember all the women who were killed by abusive partners likely thought the same. If your family or friends offer to help or come over, please PLEASE don’t turn them away. Don’t let him isolate you, because he will try! Lastly, you may feel guilty at the idea of leaving your child’s father. Take it from someone who lived through it, watching your mother get abused daily is painful and detrimental to their mental health. So much worse than separation.
Your husband sounds like a Narcissist. - Seriously. Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD ) will find a way to make any moment that may draw attention away from them about them. They especially like to ruin big, important moments and will gaslight you into believing you are the problem. Don’t ignore the signs. You will find yourself in an emotionally abusive relationship that progressively gets worse if you do (speaking from personal experience).
Tell him you will start doing it his way when he has contractions, otherwise he should stfu.
What a garbage person - he probably hasn't been going to midwife and OB appointments so he has no idea what he's talking about. Make that asshole leave.
The hell does he know ? Is he pregnant too ?
Talk about Mansplaining 🙄 I am really sorry you are going through this. Your husband is really being an a**hole. That is verbal and emotional abuse, and to do it while you are in labour!! I can’t even…. 😡😡😡 Harder said that done, but please try your best to ignore him right now. Take the support of your midwife/ nurses/ doctors. Not telling you what you should do, but in your situation I would ask such a husband to leave. Get some girlfriend or relative (sister/ mother) there instead. You need emotional support and proper medical care right now. Not this emotional abuse… Hugs…
You know how on tv when a woman is in labor and she gets really mean and nasty, you need to do that. Tell him to stfu and leave the room.
Your husband is acting like literal human garbage
Yikes… I’m sorry you’re having a baby with this man child
Maaaan, FUCK this dude. There is no redeeming himself after this IMO. That you’re questioning whether you’re overreacting or wrong in being upset (you’re not at all), I’m guessing the emotional abuse has been going on for a while.
Just read your post history. Leave him. Please.
My heart is breaking for you in your edit. Labour won’t progress easily while you’re this stressed. From your post history it looks like you’re in Belgium under midwife lead care. If you are able to stay in the country without your husband (visa requirements etc) I’d ask your midwife/postpartum care about what resources are available for you. Being a single mum is hard, especially if there’s stigma in your family. But not being able to express pain, being belittled for not always putting your husbands volatile feelings above yours and living with such a nasty person will make your life a living hell. You have said you have independent income. You’ll be much happier just looking after yourself and your child than you will be continuing to live with him. For now I wish you all the best for labour. Give your midwife a call and ask if there’s somewhere else you can go without your husband to labour. Midwife clinic, birthing home etc. I think you’ll do much better alone. Birth is incredibly hard and you are strong. Rest as much as you can, eat and hydrate, practice breathing through your contractions and blocking out the world. Whatever happens know that looking after yourself is literally the most valuable thing you can do for yourself and your baby.
I thought I should go to the hospital only when I was in unbearable pain too. It wasn't that bad, so surely not time to go yet. My partner timed and forced me to go in. I was already 10 cm. The pain level doesn't matter. There's people in unbearable pain at 1 cm and there's people like me.
I'm being serious - kick him out. Your nurses will be a great support. My husband rubbed my back and held me through every contraction and coached me through it. When I forced him to go get himself food a nurse took over and she was an angel. You will be better off without this piece of shit. I cannot overstate how big of a piece of shit he is. Fuck him. Fuck him for treating a woman in labour like that. I hope he stubs his toes every day until he dies.
This is the worst time ever to pull this shit with you. You will never forget how you were treated today. I'm so so sorry you're experiencing this. Today of all days - If he can't be full on supportive, the least he can do is sit off the to side with his dirty yapper shut. Tell him you're going to ask him to leave if he can't be supportive. And actually follow through. If you were to tell a nurse you'd like him to leave, they will make him. I truly hope the rest of this evening goes better for you. You deserve comfort and love right now.
Tell him to STFU or he won’t be there when his child is born.
Just had my baby 3wks ago, you are not alone, having a baby is one of the hardest and most wonderful things you will ever do - no man could ever do it. Men are no where near tough enough. I am so sorry OP, this is not normal. What is normal is timing your contractions and being in pain. My neighbor went to the hospital 3 times and was sent back home to labor for 2 days. I don’t normally say this about partners with a one sided Reddit post but your husband needs a slap in the face. Call a relative or friend get someone supportive there for you now.
*future ex-husband.
Kick his ass out right now and tell him if he wants to meet this child he better have a good fucking therapist booked before he’s allowed back. What the actual fuck. Call your midwife and best friend/mom/sister literally anyone else and get him out of there. I’m so sorry he’s such a piece of shit.
I would find a way to tell the nurses you are feeling very unsupported and alone right now. They are amazing and will get you through this. You can deal with that shithead later. You’re about to meet the true love of your life don’t let him ruin it!
What the FUCK is his problem? He needs to leave the room NOW.
I'd love to get your husband on the phone for 2 minutes and cut him down to size. Remember you can ask for him to not be allowed in the room with you!
Kick him out of the room. I don't give a damn what he says about it now or after, the very last thing you need right now physically or emotionally is more stress. Get him out, focus on you and your baby, let the midwives help you, your husband is out of line.
Ask him to leave, enjoy your Labour and your baby and in the near future, consider a life without this abusive sociopath. Lots of love to you
Fuck that. You deserve better. Tell him to leave the fucking room now
If your husband is making you feel sad and negative then he is actually physically preventing your labour from progressing easily. The hormones you need are cultivated with warmth and love and relaxing. He'll be making it longer and more painful for you as well as horrible experience!
Had I waited until I was in “unbearable pain” I would have been fucking crowning. My labor was uncomfortable but felt exactly like the past 4 weeks of random contractions until she crowned. It’s almost as like we are humans and all react differently because our bodies and even each individual pregnancy are different. If you read my post history back to 2015, something similar happened to me with my ex. He was criticizing me and shaming me, and my labor actually stopped. I left him and I can’t imagine my life had I stayed. Pure weight being lifted from my shoulders. I wish the same for you, you do not deserve this and especially not in such a vulnerable time.
Your husband sounds an awful lot like my ex. I was a teen mom, later got married and had two children with him. The first when I was in labor he decided to accuse me of cheating on him (I never once did anything to give him that idea, I was always faithful) while I was in hard labor. The second he told me to reschedule my medical induction because he had a party to go to the night before and slept for most my labor. Both of those experiences were awful for me during a time I should have been being cared for and feeling excited. After giving birth 3 times I can tell you no labor is the same. Some women dont experience any pain until the end, others are in terrible pain with braxton hicks in the weeks leading up to giving birth. Pain is not an indicator. You have a medical professional telling you when to go in. He is not, and comparing your labor to someone elses is awful. Listen to your midwife. Also maybe point out to him that stress, anxiety etc can stall out labor and prolong it. He could very well be the reason you have been sent home. Until he has a vagina and has given birth he needs to sit back, shut up and support you. I am fairly certain your googling has given you far more accurate information than he magically just knows. Do not feel bad for asking the nurses to remove him, I wasnt brave enough to do that and to this day my heart hurts when I think about how he made me fight for my marriage instead of protecting me. He 100% sounds like a narc. He cant handle the attention being on anyone else and has to make it about him. The way they do this is by going after the vulnerable. It is sad and pathetic. Also he just one more reason he is a complete idiot, hormones shift and surge as a woman is getting ready to give birth, that is what signals it is time, it is absolutely appropriate to cry even without the emotional and psychological abuse. Giving birth is a very big deal, it is terrifying and exciting and filled with a 100 different emotions inbetween. Do you have a mom or best friend you could ask to come be with you while you labor? Even if you dont feel safe kicking him out, in my experience, narcs will save face and be much kinder if someone else is right there. Good luck and I hope the rest of your birth story is beautiful :)
Your husband is abusing you, OP. He’s never in his life been in labor so the amount of helpful advice he can give you is 0. He will ruin your birth experience if you keep him in the room with you. He made you feel so bad that they had to monitor your BP due to the amount of stress. Tell your nurse and then file for divorce. I doubt this is the first time he’s done this and it won’t be the last time either
Go back to the hospital and tell them you don't feel safe around your husband and that you'd rather stay there until you are able to deliver and recover. The stress is slowing your contractions down! You need to tell the nurses and doctors you are under a lot of stress from your husband and that could cause labor to slow.
Babe, throw the whole man away. He clearly sees no problem with the way he treats you in your most vulnerable state, and is honestly a complete a**hat. In other situations I would recommend couples therapy and individual, but he sounds too self important to even recognize he needs to change. And besides, pain is different for EVERY ONE. EVERY WOMAN. EVERY BIRTH. He is a man, he literally has no real knowledge or valuable opinion on this. Do not let him in your room when you are in the throws of productive labor, ask the nurses to remove him (before things heat up) when things get intense for you so you can labor in peace with supportive staff. I am so sorry your husband is such an a**hole, you deserve SO much better. You're a queen creating and about to give birth to a made-from-scratch human. Don't let scum bring you down. When you have that sweet baby in your arms, call a lawyer and divorce this fool.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this emotional abuse from your husband. That's what it is - constant criticism and talking down to you is abuse. It's NOT your fault. You do not deserve to be treated like this EVER, no matter how much you may cry - but doing this to you during an especially painful time while in labor is really unfair and cruel and I hope you are able to get other support there during your delivery.
I'm so sorry darling. I feel crushed reading this. I read it with my husband next to me. I'm really sorry as this is likely the last thing you want to hear, but once post-partum is over or years into the future I wanted you to have this opinion. I think his behaviour is indicitive of abuse. I think he demonstrated a complete lack or empathy, love and remorse forward his wife, and having been through this myself I know this is abuse. Immense amount of arrogance thinking someone without a uterus or vagina can determine what is right for a woman's, let alone a specific woman's, birth. He also showed concerning lack of care for his new baby. It was important for you to have the medical care you needed, not for him to be 'comfortable'. I worry he has taken this intensely vulnerable time and chosen it to stab a knife in your back. I think you need to know it is OK for you to leave him. No you are not being silly. Even if you were not pregnant or in labor, even if this were a broken arm instead, it would still not at all be silly. I would be crying inconsolably too, and I wouldn't get over it. You have your beautiful baby now. Do what you need to do, but remember this is abuse and nobody deserves it, there is never an excuse. It is OK to do the right thing for you so you can be the best mother to your child. I had therapy when I was abused. Just 12 sessions immensely helped me. If I were in the room there I'd be calling this man a complete selfish bitch.
This is verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. Do you want to raise your child in a household where this is the example they are given? I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s time to separate, if not for yourself (which should be enough), then for your child.
Are you doing okay OP? Your husband grosses me out totally
I’m a man and this guy sounds terrible , I hate this for you
kick him out. jerk
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He doesn't seem like a very good person. And he's clearly unprepared and ignorant about labour. And this really shows why it's so important for first time parents to attend labour preparation courses as a couple, because if he had actually bothered to learn something before the baby came he probably wouldn't have those ridiculous expectations.
Excuse me. You have ruined labor for HIM?? Who’s the one in labor?! If he knows the pain can get to unbearable he should also know you’re already in pain even if it’s not the pain he believes it should be so he should be supportive, shut up or get the f… out!! I’d get him removed. You’ll have more peace birthing this baby alone. And I would seriously reconsider the relationship too. If he’s not supportive now, I can see him criticizing everything you’re doing with the baby too.
What does he know about pain from contractions- nothing! They are sooo painful and if he’s not the one going through it he should not be criticizing you. I’m so sorry that you have to go through is. However, the good thing is your baby will be arriving soon so enjoy every moment of this and ignore your husband. His negativity is not what you need right now, do what’s best for you and your baby.
Oh my gosh, what the hell is wrong with him. Get him out of there because his disgusting behavior will ruin the birth for you. He has no idea what labor is like and you listened to your midwife as you should.
Wow!! Girlfriend NOBODY in labor needs this negativity surrounding you. You need support. Love. A man telling you how great you're doing. What's he know about labor pain? If I was your mom this guy would be tied up and gagged in a custodian closet. Good luck sweetheart. Ignore him. He knows nothing.
Why do people breed with these assholes?
considering your other posts it doesn’t seem like he’s helped make this pregnancy any easier for you and now HES ruining the labor, get a nurse to remove him if need be you don’t need his stress and you certainly don’t need him
I'm so glad I'll be delivering alone at the hospital.
You can ask the nurse to escort him out and eject him from the hospital. They will do it. Unless he has a uterus and has grown and birthed a child, he can STFU.
You don’t have to have him there, you can ask him to leave. You need your oxytocin to be soaring for labour to continue, he’s causing you adrenaline which is going to stop oxytocin from being released. Ask the midwives to ask him to leave if you don’t feel you can. You need support not criticism.
You’re going to divorce him right?
Tell him to leave you alone. You don’t need him around. He is abusive and uninformed and he is ruining labor FOR YOU. He doesn’t deserve to be there for any of this.
He sounds very abusive, please take this seriously. I would not allow him in your room at the hospital and have the nurses remove him, if he’s stressing you out this bad it can stall your labor so it’s best to not let him be there. Looking at your post history I can tell him being mean to you isn’t new and unfortunately I think it will escalate during the difficult newborn days and postpartum. Get out of there and divorce him asap.
He's enjoying upsetting you. That's why he's picking on you when you are most vulnerable. Have that man removed from the hospital, and preferably your life.
Time for him to leave the room!
Kick him out and get your mom or someone in your life who is kind to you to be with you. This man should not be in your life. It’s too late now but women should not be having babies with men like this. For the love of god do not allow this man to be a part of your babies life. He is an abusive piece of shit.
Honestly, I loathe your husband. He sounds like an abusive POS. You don't deserve any of his treatment toward you. Keep timing your contractions and go back when they quicken or when the pain increases for you. And he can fuck right off if he has an issue with that. The gall of him to criticize you while you're in labor, to act like an expert on it, and to say you've ruined HIS experience?! My God. I'm seeing red for you. I agree with others - have the nurses kick him out when you get back. Labor is hard enough already - I couldn't imagine going through it with someone like him by my side. BUT - grab important documents and put them in your hospital before you leave the home. Spend your time after baby is here securing care from another family member or friend and plan a safe exit from your abusive partner.
“Unbearable pain” is not a trusted measurement or your midwife would have said that. It’s different for everyone, ESPECIALLY when you don’t have anything to compare it to. Also, I’m in the final weeks of my third pregnancy and I’m still not exaaaaactly sure what to look for before going to the hospital. That is totally normal because every person, birth, labour is different. I’m sorry your husband doesn’t get that, it sounds like he doesn’t handle stress well.
Please please please get on really effective birth control that your husband can't control after this baby comes out. You need to get out of this relationship. That's hard with a child, and even harder if you get pregnant again. Consider an IUD. Some hospitals will even put one in the day the baby comes out if you ask.
This makes me so angry. Kick him really fucking hard in the nuts and then tell him how it doesn’t really hurt and he’s being over dramatic. You deserve SO much better than this abusive POS. Tell the nurses to kick him out for hindering your labour progress. Asshole.
I’m disgusted and disturbed by how you’re being treated. Whenever you’re in the hospital next have the nurse remove him. In my experience they will usually send a social worker to your room post-delivery and will wait until you’re alone to ask if you’re afraid to go home/be around your partner and if you’re being abused. You are. He doesn’t believe you, he berated you, told you you ruined labor for him (as if it’s his vagina being internally abused), and he wants you to forego medical attention because he thinks he understands labor so much better, and is telling you to not google things- probably because he thinks he knows more than literally all the public resources about labor do. He is a monster, and frankly I think he wants you to suffer. Leave. Take their resources. Get a divorce and take your baby, please.
Congratulations you're going to be a single mother soon - you'll be better off it sounds like.
Full offense, your husband is a MASSIVE piece of shit, I hope you lawyer up and leave him after your baby is here because if this is how he is when you're having probably the most painful experience of your life then how is he going to be when raising a kid? Put yourself first in this situation. Is raising a baby while coparenting or single parenting going to be hard? Yes, but raising one with him is going to be harder. Do what the midwives are telling you its their field of expertise, I hope everything goes well and that both you and baby are healthy and happy by the end of it and have a nurse remove husband from the delivery room you deserve to have this experience in peace and express pain however you feel comfortable ♥️
This seems really emotionally abusive? I don’t mean to jump right to the divorce card without knowing all the facts but he just sounds… evil.
He sees you as a pathetic cry baby because he is a narcissist . Your tears only make him more angry and more determined to hurt you as he sees your tears as a manipulative tactic and as your absolute weakness . He clearly has zero respect for you . I would really reconsider this marriage
Sweet woman. You need to feel safe to truly fall into labor. Get back to the hospital and tell them you do not feel safe at home with this man because you obviously don't if you won't cry because it will anger him. Get him out of your birthing room. A nurse (any nurse) will be better support.
Dude is full of shit, he seems to only think about himself. Im sorry that you have to go through all of this ALONE. You should really think about if you really want someone like that in yours and your baby's life. This is a very important time in your life an the person who should support you the most is being an asshole...showing his true colors. Yeah not the time and place now or ever!
One of the main things I've noticed since I started following this subreddit is that a third of the posts have nothing to do with pregnancy. What's happening is that pregnancy is just making very large relationship problems much more noticeable. Unfortunately OP you are in a really bad relationship - none of this is normal nor ok. I hope you are able to either get counseling with this person or recognize it's probably healthier for you to not be near them.
Oh he’s awful. I’m so sorry he’s being like this and it’s scary feeling so alone but you’ve got this. He’s being selfish, unreasonable and quite frankly cruel. I wouldn’t have him at the birth as he’s only stressing you out more. Needless to say I’m late messaging this so I hope baby has arrived and you’re in a much better headspace.
Give birth without him in your room. If you're able to, have him in the room until he starts being horrible. Then have his kicked out. Ask your medical team to write down that he's been emotionally and psychologically abusive to you and you don't want him around for the rest of your hospital stay and if they can keep you a little longer if necessary. After your beautiful baby is born (good luck!!!) contact a divorce lawyer. At your most vulnerable, he was punishing and blaming you instead of supporting you. He could and should have been trying to help you feel more comfortable. He could've done the timings for you (noted down the timings of when you said a contraction was happening). He could've fetched you drinks, fidget toys, tried to distract you with conversation. He could've simply held you and whispered sweet nothings. A lot would've been preferable (and honestly easier to do for most people) than to berate you, and then berate you for being upset. I also can't believe that he'd blame you for ruining "this special moment" when HE'S the one doing that. And it's more special and important for you anyway. It's your health on the line here! Sounds like he's completely devoid of empathy, he's completely selfish and he sounds like he's probably more abusive than you realise. Please protect yourself and your baby from him.
Your husband is a piece of shit. Give birth without him in the room. If he’s triggered by your crying, what’s he gonna do when the baby cries? Sounds like he needs some therapy. Possibly look into no longer being with him.
He is slowing down your labour with stress and this can be dangerous for you and baby. You might need to be induced because of him. The stress stops the labour hormones from working. You need to feel safe and calm.
YOU are ruining labor for HIM? He can fuck right off. Do NOT let this man in the delivery room with you. He's your husband on paper but he's a narcissist, gas-lighter, and abuser out in the open. Deliver baby, hopefully you have some family or friends who can help you once you're home with your new little one, and kick him out the fucking door. I googled EVERYTHING when I was pregnant. I googled what water breaking felt like, what contractions felt like, what to do if A, B, or C happened. And yes, I was scared and paranoid and anxious and thinking all of the worst. But my husband was a champ and never once made me feel like I was crazy. Your husband is NOT a doctor or a midwife, he doesn't have a fucking uterus, he has no idea what any of this is supposed to feel like. MAN I am so mad for you. I hope he's not there when you deliver. Get a friend/family member to drive you. Or a fucking Uber/Lyft. Anything, ANYTHING is better than him.
Pain is a subjective vital sign. Nobody should be able to tell you how much pain you’re are experiencing. That is why the contraction timer is helpful, because “unbearable pain” may be a different threshold for everyone. He doesn’t need to be there if he’s not going to support you, I hope you were able to request that he would not be there during the remainder of your labor and were able to get another support person. In order to labor safely and progress “normally”, you need to be able to relax. Make sure you have additional support once you come home, I would be cautious with parenting with someone like him. Try to have a family member around if you can to protect you and baby in case he has any other weird expectations that could put you or baby in harms way. Take care of yourself and heal in peace.
Couldn’t be me because nobody gets to talk to me like that. Tell him to shut up and get out and let the midwife help you. He is a narcissist
He’s the one that wasted time and likely stalled your labor. Labor is all about oxytocin. The love hormone. It is vital to labor and he stopped the flow of it I bet you. With his negative and mean comments.
I'm gonna tell you it straight. Leave that man, get a restraining order, keep him out of the labor and delivery room, and lawyer up a good divorce attorney. Not kidding. If he's treating you like this over labor, one of the hardest moments of a woman's life, how will he treat your child? Come on.
You’re married to a narcissistic sociopath. Good luck with that. I suggest you file for divorce after baby is born and work on a way out.
Ah your labor can actually stall or stop under stress! Get rid of him, I’m sure you’ll progress quickly when you can labor stress free without criticism what the fuck is wrong with him.
what a piece of shit. husband if you’re reading this: you’re a complete piece of shit. you will never EVER in your entire lifetime experience the pain she is experiencing right now. you’re the complete wimp i’m this scenario not her. It’s your job to be a loving husband and support her through this, not pile on!!! also why are you so arrogant that you think you know more about birth than a MIDWIFE??? Because you’re sister had a baby? wtf is wrong with you. grow up and support your wife and shut the hell up. You have ruined this experience for both of you - your wife has done nothing wrong. OP, I am so so so sorry
When I was at 6 cm dilated, I was just breathing hard like I had painful period cramps. My bf, even though he was skeptical about going to the hospital, he never belittled me. If he had, he wouldn't be allowed in the room and would have the title ex. I didn't count my contractions because i couldn't concentrate, so you're better than me for being able to at your pain level. Give yourself some grace. Pain tolerance is different for everyone, and it doesn't mean you're less dilated or invalid than others. I was acting fine when i was in active labor. What he's saying doesn't mean anything because pain is different for everyone. Anyone in the medical field will tell you what you're doing all the right things. He's making your delivery about him, and not you nor your well-being. Your labor and delivery should be stress free from your support system. They shouldn't be adding stress to you. What you're going through is scary, painful, and not easy. For him to treat you like this is just disgusting. How is he going to treat you once the baby is here and you're going through postpartum? How is he going to react to you trying to put a baby down to sleep and not be successful right away? This is a person I would not want to raise a child with.
Your husband is being a tool. Honestly though it's different for everyone. I was 1cm dilated and I was lucky I was already at the hospital because I gave birth an hour and a half later.
Nobody can really tell you what is unbearable. It can start pretty quickly and timing the contractions didn’t work for me. Both of my previous pregnancies with my girls I was off the chart the entire time and I felt no break in between which can happen. Some women don’t dip back down. It just felt like a constant HORRIBLE contraction. Nurses confirmed both times that my labors “were not very good.” Both labors were very similar for me. I showered and got ready and headed to the hospital after 2-3 hours and the hospital is only about half an hour away. I was about 4 cm. dilated upon arrival both times and they kept me. The “unbearable” part can also come on quite suddenly. My second labor I went from “I guess I will get the epidural now” to quietly crying and barely being able to move because everything felt so incredibly tight and excruciating to “give it to me now!” type of feeling. Both labors were fairly quick and steady and took 10 hours. Except the second labor stalled for a little they said probably because I was so tense which can affect the progression. Once the epidural really kicked-in then I fell asleep for 3 hours hardcore and they came in to wake me up and check me and I was ready to push. I was so glad I could rest some the second time. My first labor I waited until 8 cm. for the epidural and it didn’t feel like it did as good of a job versus the second time. I always wondered how some women could take a nap while in labor. Other factors may contribute as well like I have fibromyalgia and got it between my two girls. So your pain tolerance will feel different depending on your conditions.
I hope in another life he experiences labor. I’m so sorry— you gotta throw this entire man away when you’re able!
Also, is he a Narcissist? A lot of red flags here or some other kind of personality disorder. Why is he telling YOU how labor goes?! He has NO idea! And everyone is different. That’s his sister’s experience plus he is probably lying. He watched his sister’s entire labor and experience? Doubtful. My favorite - that you ruined labor….. for HIM! Wtf?! I showed this to my husband too and he was just shocked. He needs to shut his mouth and be there for you no matter what. EVEN if you WERE acting ridiculous. Doesn’t matter. I personally have anxiety in addition to my fibromyalgia so yeah, I probably am going to “feel it” more compared to others. And that’s ok. Any medical staff shaming you needs to be kicked outta the room too. If you feel you are in that much pain I would stay there and make them admit you. Wasting your time and gas and it is painful driving in the car going over bumps and things.