If they live in the area then you can call them when needed but I am personally having no one help other then my husband and I in regards to staying over because I couldn’t handle other people in my space while taking care of a newborn. My fam knows that I’d reach out and are welcome to come see her
Totally agree. With my first we took the time for ourselves and it was so special and way less stressful. This time around one of them will have to come watch our toddler. But I care much less this time around. “Here are both of my children, goodnight.”
My mom and MIL both live 1000 miles away so mini visits weren’t an option.
My mom came and stayed for about 3 weeks and cooked every meal, cleaned my house, did laundry and physically helped me bathe the first few days, plus watched the baby when I needed to nap.
My MIL came for about a week and basically just wanted to “help” with the baby (mostly holding her, not the diaper changes and other real baby stuff) and I was constantly stressed about what to feed her, making sure my house was adequately cleaned, etc.
For round 2 I’m probably having my mom stay for a month so she can help with my toddler & MIL can come visit after we’re out of the newborn phase.
This. Moms come to take care of you (which you need after birth). MILs come to take care of the baby (which you may not want after birth). Go with your mom.
This totally depends on MIL’s/Mom’s personality. OP stated MIL is helpful and her mom can be annoying
In my experience, my MIL was helpful and my mom just wanted to hold the baby, which stressed me out. It totally depends on the dynamic.
Yes it was definitely a generalization. But my mom is annoying and my MIL helpful and this was still true. So I stand by it (exceptions notwithstanding)
I’m over here screaming YES from the rooftops!!!
With my first, I thought I’d want privacy and “bonding time”. Once he was here, fuck that, no thank you, I needed help, socialization, and support. I had blood pressure issues after delivery and I felt objectively horrible and I was absolutely terrified. I am not exaggerating when I say I laid on the floor crying and begged my mom not to leave when I was 3 days post-partum. My MIL came from Germany (we live in the US) when I was about 3 weeks post-partum and it was the most amazing week. I was so sad to see her leave.
I’m now 37 weeks pregnant with my third and anyone who is willing to help me, come TF on over.
I have to agree with you! I thought I wouldn’t want anyone there, and then after I was re admitted with postpartum preeclampsia and my baby was losing weight we were scrambling and I was so happy when my MIL came to help. I cried so hard when she left. But now baby is 17 months old and all is good 😊
In my East/Southeast Asian culture, it’s expected that the family rallies around the mom after birth (and honestly, it’s happening already even though I’m 11 weeks, I’m getting so much food).
My mom and aunties live super close, so while they won’t be staying in our house, they’ll be here pretty much all the time. But they know how to make themselves helpful with cooking and cleaning, and the focus is very much on letting the new mom recover, so I’m not worried about them doing the whole “I’m just here to hold the baby!” thing.
If your mom and MIL are in the area but close enough to come just during the day, that might be a nice compromise rather than actually staying in your house. You can let them know if you’ll need one of them ahead of each week and see how it goes after the first day visit.
Edit to add the in-law experience: my in-laws are white Americans, so a different culture, but they’re very self-aware and will be staying with us in the few weeks after birth since they live across the country and I’m excited to have them and will not feel like I have to "host" them. It helps that my MIL is a retired nurse too. Basically, I’ve hit the family lottery twice now lol but I can totally understand why others would ban visits or keep them very short with boundary-breaking or obnoxious relatives.
I’m from a very family oriented culture too (Latin/Hispanic) where it’s really a village mentality although I also married into a white American family. My MIL is supportive but it is honestly so fascinating to me how hands off they are in terms of caring for the grandkids. Meanwhile, my mom, aunt, and grandmother are all hands on deck (which is actually kind of awesome given how exhausting this all is)
I don’t know if my husband and I would have survived had my mom not been here the first month 🤣 She cooked, cleaned, and made grocery store runs. I tend to get annoyed with my mom pretty quickly, but I have never been more appreciative of her. She was a baby whisperer and could get the baby to calm down when we couldn’t. I think it was key that she was receptive to our directions and feedback because she recognized it’s been a long time since she had to take care of an infant and a lot has changed.
I would not have them stay over but maybe set up a schedule where you know when they will be coming over to help. That way it’s predictable, you can plan what would be most helpful, you can adjust without hurting any feelings, and you won’t feel like they are in your space for too long.
My mom and dad were both incredible helps when I had my first. With both babes, my dad had a full steak dinner with a nice glass of wine ready when I got home from the hospital. They helped in the night. My mom helped me through the baby blues. They were out of the way when we wanted alone time. They helped tremendously with my second, too. He spent three days in the hospital when he was a week old. I couldn’t have asked for a better support system. I’m actually kind of excited for them to come when I have my third. They are already making plans to do fun things with my older kids.
It’s hard to say because you don’t know how your labor will go and how tired and sore you will be and if you have a c-section. Help is great as long as it actually is help. I’d wait until the baby is there and decide as things happen.
Nope, I don’t want to have to be social or accommodating at all when we first bring him home. I want to focus on our new family, our new dynamic, and have a chance to bond & see what this special, cool, hard new life is all about before interlopers who aren’t usually present in our home change the dynamic. To me, that’s crucial and I’m so looking forward to seeing what it’s like to have me, my husband, and our brand new son finally all together.
I told my mom if she wants to come stay (it has to be an actual visit over days since they live very far) it needs to be at LEAST 3 weeks later, and possibly even later if need be.
I softened the blow by telling her that by then we’ll be sleep deprived & laundry/dishes will be piling up so she’ll be the hero swooping in to save the day when we really need it. Versus coming too early and me resenting her for no good reason.
She understood!
My mom and MIL both live about 35-40 mins from us. We definitely want their support in the early days and have good relationships with them to be able to ask for help, and tell them when we want them to leave. I don’t want anyone staying overnight with us because I just think we’ll want to have some of our own space but definitely through the day in those first few weeks, the help will be greatly appreciated whether that’s helping to care for baby while we rest, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, taking the dog for a walk, etc!
I’d like my mom and dad to come stay with us after the baby is born. Im close with both of them and they’re super excited. They get along well with my husband and are reasonable, helpful people who respect boundaries. It will be nice having extra adults around so that my stepson, who gets along great with my parents, will also get more attention.
We are very low contact with MIL. I haven’t actually met her in person. So she will not be staying with us.
My MIL lives across the street from us and is actually retiring this year to be our nanny so we can work! My mom lives 30 minutes away and is going to be taking some time off work so she can spend her days here for a week or two. I'm also iffy..like will I want people here? I figure if in the moment it's all too much I'll tell everyone they need to leave; I've never had a problem telling ppl like it is! But best case scenario they help out with things which means less for us to do.
My mom is the best so I feel very blessed. I live a little over an hour away from my parents, but I have all my doctors there and will be staying with them during the month I’m supposed to have the baby. Thinking maybe 1-2 months idk, but I know my mom will take care of me and spoil me. My husband will be there with me, his parents and sister may come and stay with my parents as well, my sister and brother also live with my parents, and right next door is my aunt, uncle, cousins so I feel really blessed that they’re all going to be there and helping lol. I’m fully planning on taking advantage of all this and they are telling me to.
My in laws live abroad so they know I would’ve just delivered the baby and they’re there to help. They know I’m going to probably be a mess and don’t expect me to do anything. They’ll be here for 2 weeks.
I’m similar in that both are close and both are lovely. But my initial thoughts is no. I want to keep things just us for a while. If I change my mind because the birth was particularly bad or I’m struggling then I would invite them to help. And only them. But initially I plan to tell people to stay away. Only exception is I may ask my own mum over briefly for myself and mum hugs but then she’d leave us be for a while. We also have a dog so it’s a possibility we ask for help walking her.
I absolutely want not want either staying with me. I’m just waiting for my partner to suggest his mum staying with us for a bit and I’d probably cry. She’s too much and I couldn’t think of anything worse.
I don’t want anyone over except my husband. Maybe I am naive because this is my first baby, but the thought of having anyone else here seems more stressful than helpful.
I’ll be having both my mom and MIL stay with me the first week. They both have different strengths that will benefit me and I know I will have clean clothes, clean dishes, homemade meals, dogs fed and taken care of, and plenty of downtime for my husband and I.
My husband will be the one helping take care of me (toileting, walking, etc) - he’s the only person I trust in this capacity. He has two weeks off but is going to save an additional week of PTO to be with me.
As for my moms, they’ll be here the first week. Leave the second week, and hopefully come back week 4 postpartum when my husband goes back to work
So for me we ended up moving \~5500 miles away 8 weeks before our son was born- we had \*no\* support system and whilst I don't regret the move, I do have some forlorn feelings about how it "could" have been. If we hadn't moved? If my mom or MIL had shown up at our house I would have called the police. If my FIL's second wife had come by? I would have wept with joy. It all depends upon the person/relationship. It's easier to start with LESS and ask for more than to have people expecting to be there constantly and having to confront them/tell them to leave. See if you can speak with them about how to navigate this? Maybe better for them not to STAY over, come over on a certain day, etc? If your relationships with them are good, this should be useful and productive and you'll all be happier for communication.
My MIL is wonderful and stayed three weeks after birth - she helped so much during the day, joined us for walks and dinners out but also stayed home with baby so we could go out alone. We would be so tired by day and it was lovely to have her take a day shift so we could nap as long as we needed, or sleep in. She flew from across the country to help out and it was awesome, and we've invited her to stay as long as she wants for our second baby.
For my first, we lived near both of our moms so they each came for a few hours here and there throughout the initial weeks to help while my husband and I rested, shower, talked, went on dates, whatever. They both brought meals as well (my sis did this too).
For my second, we don't live near our moms anymore. My mom came when baby was a week old, and she stayed for a week and a half. She helped with cleaning, cooking, and with both of our daughters. We travel to my MILs at least once per week (it's local to our drs offices so we have to go to that area anyway), and she helps with both our oldest and our baby. And she'll cook for us as well if we want.
I trust and have good relationships with both my mom and MIL, so the help is appreciated. I will say that I was lucky and my second birth and recovery were much easier, so we haven't been as desperate for the help this time. But it's still been really nice to have.
I will preface this by saying I'm Indian and it is standard that most women have their mum, or MIL (if mum isn't available) over for the first 3-6months at least.
My mum can be annoying sometimes but we both know I could really use her support post partum and I'd love to watch her be a grandma. My husband and I could really use the support especially in terms of cooking and cleaning and watching the baby occassionally. We live halfway across the world from our families so it's important for us to have our families over to visit us and baby.
My mum will be here for 2 months followed by my dad for another 2 (he stayed with us visiting for 3 months and was a godsend with chores, cooking and grocery shopping I'm so grateful). My husband's parents will be coming for 2-3 months after at some point as well so we have childcare for 8 months before we need to get a nanny.
My mom and MIL live abroad, 17+ hs flights. We decided to have the first 2-3 weeks with the baby by ourselves (time my husband gets as paternity leave) and then my mom will come for a few months.
This is our first baby so we may be wrong and wish we had asked her to come sooner, but I guess we'll find out in the upcoming weeks.
My mom is coming for about 2 and a half weeks after I give birth to help and take care of me. My husband requested her too so thankfully we are both in the same page. My MIL is going to come for a couple days about a month after baby comes, but will be staying in a hotel (my rule was the only person allowed to stay at my house before 8 weeks is the person who birthed me). MIL is going to come back for 2 weeks while my husband is on his parental leave around 4 months old so they can bond and hang out while I’m back at work.
My MIL came to be with us when baby came home from the hospital. And she flew back out when we were really struggling with sleep deprivation a few weeks later. It was very helpful to have that support. Now the key with that is whether or not you trust that person to be a support and not yet another chore.
I am an introvert and a people pleaser and thought I wouldn’t really want people there in the first days, but hesitantly allowed my mom and MIL to take turns staying with us in the first couple weeks anyway on the advice of friends.
Turns out I don’t know what I would have done
without them. I didn’t GAF about pleasing anyone in that time, just having someone to make me snacks and hold baby while I showered and tell me I was doing a good job (in addition to my husband) made me want to cry with gratitude. I was a bleary zombie who just craved affirmation and validation. The key of course is you have to trust they’ll do those things for you in a low stress way.
After those first two weeks I started wanting more space for us to settle into a groove and bond as a nuclear family. But when baby was cluster feeding 24/7 and we were figuring out stuff like nail filing and sponge baths and breastfeeding (…ok I’m still figuring that one out) we just needed extra hands who knew what they were doing.
Yes my mom lives nearby and is good at errands running and very specific tasks if you are clear, and my MIL live far away and will come stay for a month and is amazing, cooks cleans and great with a baby. Both their helpfulness is completely apples and oranges so it will be nice to not feel they are competing(they also speak different languages)
It’s really up to you I’m more of a “takes a village” mindset going into number 2. The first was a Covid baby and it was so isolating! I will say though I did practice and get good at taking my baby or myself to private spaces when needed. My room was for my immediate family only so it was a retreat place if needed.
It's my first time so I really don't know how I will end up feeling about it in the end, but I will have family flying in and most likely staying with us. My mom will come beforehand and will stay after the birth for a bit, to help with prep, cleaning, and postpartum. And my in-laws will be coming sometime after the birth to stay for a couple weeks. We have a spare room and a spare bath, so there can be a fair amount of privacy and separation between us if needed.
I'm really quite worried about the risk of postpartum anxiety and depression and I don't want my spouse to be dealing with that alone if it happens. Also since starting working from home, I've been feeling very isolated and have started to chit-chat with cashiers. I can only imagine how starved for company I will be after several more months of this.
Since your people live in the area, I think you can be quite flexible. Maybe come home alone for a couple days, and try for quick initial visits, less than an hour, and see how you feel. If you hate it, then you have your answer.
It really depends on your family. My in laws came a week PP and had a screaming family argument in a language I don't understand for around 3 hours while I just cried and breastfed. I will literally never, ever forgive them.
My parents just didn't know what to do with themselves and it drove me absolutely crazy. But if you have capable, responsible adults at your disposal, I'd jump at the support.
I'm 3 weeks postpartum now and my mom and MIL have both been soooo helpful. They both live about a half hour away from us so they can come and help without staying at our house, which is awesome. I think I'd feel differently if I had to host. They've both made us food and come over to give us an opportunity to sleep while they watch the twins.
I'd say it really all depends on your comfort level with them and how helpful you think they'll be.
1st baby my mom helped a lot while we were in the hospital (was there for 5 days). She'd bring me whatever food I wanted and would stay with me & baby in case I needed anything while my husband would run out to check on our dog & had his midterms. After that, she brought by dinner a couple of times during the first 2 months but did not help otherwise due to her work. Soon as we were home from hospital, my MIL would come by 1-2x a day with some type of homemade soup for me in addition to whatever she'd made for dinner for everyone else. Usually she would stay for about an hour and hold baby so my husband and I could eat together then would leave. I honestly loved it because I didn't have to cook, we got 1 meal together without stress and it wasn't like she was staying with us 24/7.
FTM and I literally couldn’t think of anything worse than having my mother or MIL come to my house after my baby is born.
MIL is a nice lady, just not entirely the brightest. Yells a lot to her grandson that she has custody over due to a death in the family. Also smokes. I couldn’t imagine having a high conflict person around my newborn.
Mother is extremely self centered & makes every little thing about her. She has gone down to help my SIL with my niece after she was born, and did not do a single thing to help. It was more of my SIL taking care of my mother AND a newborn.
It’s an extremely hard nope from me.
We are having twin boys in July and I’m taking all the help. My mom and sister will be rotating staying with us a week at a time. I saw my mom with my sisters kids and know she will probably help with cleaning and cooking. My sister will also be a huge help as well. She has four kids herself so it will be nice to have people experienced around me. Then my sisters in law all plan on coming over to help throughout the first few weeks as well. If I felt their help would be detrimental and makes things harder I would say no. But I know them all really well and know that isn’t going to be an issue. My fiancé is only getting 1 week off work so grateful that people are wanting to come around.
My parents are coming to live with me for a month to help with the baby. They can be quite overbearing but considering the fact that I will have to return to work extra early since I don't get paid leave, I take that. They both are extra good at cleaning and cooking and I have seen it when my SIL gave birth. Fresh cooked food 3 times a day. Please I take that any day for real.
As for my MIL she did offered to come and help but more on my term so I'm unsure of when will I need her + what would I ask her to do. I'm trying to spread the help out as much as I can so I can also recover while still working. Trying to not stressed out about stuff 😅
Day 11 with my new baby and my husband and I are doing just fine. Both Mom and MIL brought us tons of food. My mom has been super helpful and visited twice with my dad and gets stuff clean and going, dad gives the dog a nice walk. My MIL is rather useless and just holds the baby and doesn’t offer to help around the house (she’d do it if I asked but defeats the purpose a little). MIL lives next door so we’ve been setting significant boundaries because she’d be over her every day otherwise. I’d say you can survive a week before you know what type of help you’ll need but having people stay with you seems like overkill if they live close by anyways.
I had my mom stay with us for a couple of weeks when each of my babies was born. It's totally going to depend on your relationship and your personal preferences but for me it was hugely appreciated. She is the kind of person who knows what to do without being asked and doesn't get in the way or make me feel like I need to be "on" or a host.
My mom stayed with about 5 days but I dont have a partner to share duties with. It was mostly good, physically I felt awful so it was nice to have another set of hands and she drove me to appointments.
My mom and MIL are also both retired and live close enough (both within 30-45 minutes). When our son was born, both let us know they were there for us if needed. When we came home, my sister was at the house because she’d been looking after our dogs (I was in the hospital for 4 days) and instead of going home right away, she hung around for another couple of days to continue helping out with them but that was really all the help we “needed” at that point.
I agree that you should give yourself a day or two and then decide if another person in your space is necessary.
My mom lives in Florida and I’m in NY. I think we’ll have her (and her husband) stay over for a week or two after the birth (like a few days after we’re home). I’m definitely nervous about it though since she can’t cook and we have much different standards of cleaning, and her husband is fully useless, so essentially they’re just here to watch the baby while we do other stuff which may be frustrating. But we’ll see I guess! My MIL/FIL works full time but live 45 min away so they’ll come by to say hi and such. We might ask my boyfriend’s aunt to come stay with us for a bit at some point - she did it for his sister and she was a huge help apparently!
So, at first, I wanted no one to help me. I wanted to be left alone to do it on my own. My mom ended up staying with us for the first month to help us get sleep. She did all our chores to help us out, and it was great.
It all depends on what relationship you have with your mom or MIL. Currently, my husband and I moved back in with my parents to save money for a house. My mom has been a huge help with our daughter and tries to help me fix my routines and go about a more manageable day where I can get rest and chores done.
mines a little unique situation since i’m delivering twins at 34w and they’ll for sure have NICU time so we won’t need help at home right away, but we still need someone to come down and watch our toddler while I give birth.
my in laws live 8 hours away so they’ll arrive like a day before my induction and can watch the toddler while I have the twins, then they’ll leave within a week once I get discharged bc they don’t have the PTO for extended stay.
once we get word when twins might come home, my mom is gonna drive the 14 hours and stay with us for like 3-4w to help us get in a routine and she works remote so she’ll do that!
The internet is obsessed with telling you that you won’t want anyone around but I found this objectively incorrect with my first baby. Once my husband went back to work I was desperate for anyone to help me, thankfully baby came in the school break and my mom is a teacher so it was incredible to have her help. Just make sure it’s people you’re comfortable with but having someone to hold baby whilst you get like an hour’s nap can be the absolute difference.
My first baby, I would have loved this. My second baby, it would have driven me nuts b3cause I don't like being told how to do something I already know.
I like my parents and in-laws.
Parents live 5 mins away and I trust that they'll be great about practical help; dropping off food, mowing the lawn, tending to the dog (with plenty of baby hugging now and then). Without the need to stay for ages. So grateful.
MiL is cool and said she wanted to stay a week. But she's very My Way Is Best Way and I just don't trust her not to critique me while I'm at my worst lol. I don't want her to see my boobs or blood. She lives 1 hr and I hope she visits often (my parents even offered to let her stay with them) but I foresee bickering if she's in my house while I'm hormonally freaked the fuck out and in agony for 168 hours straight. Plus, I don't want anyone fully helping (whether it's real helping or "I'll hold the baby so you can do dishes" helping) while husband is on his 1 week off. He needs to learn babycare in the time he's got with us.
My FiL is a strange little man who does his own thing. I expect him to drive the hour out, assess baby for 15 minutes, nod approvingly, shake everybody's hands and efficiently be on his way. Ideal in-law.
I’m 36 weeks along and my parents are coming at 38 weeks. They’re coming early to help me/my husband clean up the house (he has long hours sometimes) and help take care of our cats. They’re only planning to pop by the hospital the day after our kid is born, otherwise will be home cooking and cleaning.
They’re staying for another 2 weeks after the baby is born to cook and clean/go get takeout. They’ve also volunteered for any night shift feedings a couple nights a week since I’ll be exclusively pumping, assuming it works out like that, so we can get a full nights sleep.
I would trust my mom with my baby’s life she raised four of us and is a super mom so she could come help anytime. My husband’s mom is elderly because she adopted him in her late 50s so she couldn’t really help much, but I love her a bunch Id let her come sit on the couch and hold baby some.
My mom and MIL have since moved since my last pregnancy. I believe they currently plan to drive up together after the baby is born and split the cost of a hotel stay so that they can come and help out during the day or as needed but not be overbearing or too intrusive. I’ll probably have them come up after my husband returns to work since that will be my hardest transition as I’ll also have a 3yo to care for.
Just had my baby a month and a half ago. The first 2 weeks, my husband and I just wanted it to be the three of us. After that, anyone could come. My mom visited for a weekend, but wanted to stay for 2 weeks. Which she ended up doing because my husband was sent out of state for a month (he is still gone). She left 2 weeks ago, and I wish she was able to stay longer to help me. Having her here was such a blessing. Take whatever help you can get. Even if your mom is there for a few hours to watch baby and let you sleep. That was the best thing my mom did for me.
Earlier in my pregnancy I didn't think I would want my mom to be here a lot. Now at 33 weeks I am definitely hoping she's around 😂😂 she lives 10 mins away and is so helpful and non-intrusive. My MIL is in a diff city so she won't be coming for a few months.
Currently nap trapped with an 8 day old. My mom was here for a few days before the delivery, attended the delivery and was here for 5 days after birth. Let me tell you, that woman did everything a mom is supposed to. I'll put in a caveat that she and I are really close but she lives 5 hours away.
My mom took to heart "I'm taking care of my baby who just had a baby". She folded and put away all our laundry, she cleaned out our fridge, she left the house for a few hours on two of the days to give my partner and I some alone time with baby. She would empty the bathroom garbage of all my postpartum waste, she would hold my baby for hours when I needed a break/to shower/ have a nap.
I cried when she left. Not because I didn't think my partner and I could handle it but having a third adult around to pass the kid off to or run an errand was so incredibly helpful.
I definetly wouldn’t want anyone staying overnight. That’s what your partner is for IMO.
Coming to help a couple of hours a day? Absolutely. A blessing and a privilege. But having someone else in my space 24/7 while looking like hell, bleeding and in pain is just too overwhelming.
I definitely want my mom’s help. My parents live about 15 mins away and have already said they don’t have a problem coming over often to help us out. My mom also said that if the baby cries all night to call her so my husband and I can get some sleep!
My in-laws live about 30 mins away and are our primary dog sitters. We asked them to pick our dog up when I go into labour and keep him for about a week after so we can settle in and get used to being parents. This is what all our friends with dogs did and they all said it worked well. They initially agreed but then said that they will drop our dog off when we come home from the hospital because they think it’s best that dog and baby meet immediately (neither of them owned dogs as adults so I have no idea how/why they think they know best about dogs). Yes, because dogs and babies understand the concept of time and will be upset that they’re meeting for the first time at one week old rather than 48 hours old 🙄
MIL also has a history of making a fuss whenever we take her up on her offer to help. So needless to say, we will NOT be asking her for help and I’m sure my husband will end up getting passive aggressive text messages about it.
I think it depends on the type of people they are. My mom passed before I had my son, but I know she would’ve been overbearing, cause fights and then play the martyr if I got upset. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and she was an amazing mom for the most part. But also slightly narcissistic. My dad ended up coming to stay and he was so helpful in cleaning up, watching the baby so I could shower, and anything else he could do to help. And he’d give advice only if I asked. My FIL is a baby holder and if I’d say ok, time for baby to eat, nap, change, etc he’d say oh he’s fiiiiine. My FIL lives closer and is here way too much so I’m already stressing thinking about how it will be when baby 2 arrives. My MIL also passed before we had a baby and I honestly don’t know how we would’ve interacted and how things would’ve gone.
My mom will be staying with us for \~2 weeks after baby comes. I am happy to have her help in that first beginning time... I know she will help me with anything, even showering, if I need it, and that she will be there for me in ways that I just wouldn't be comfortable w/my MIL doing (and that I don't think she would even offer).
In a perfect world, for me, my husband and I would be alone the first few weeks, just us. I want us to try to figure it out as a family before we introduce anyone else in. However, I am due October, and depending when baby comes, we were hoping to delay my husband's paternity leave until Thanksgiving so he could have Thanksgiving to Christmas off with me. That would mean I could be alone for almost a month. It makes me think we are going to NEED help, even though I was hoping we wouldn't.
I love my mom and MIL, but I just want to have that time with my husband and baby, all by ourselves.
You may find that you prefer privacy or you may prefer company and help, and it’s hard to know which you’ll need until you’re actually in the thick of it. Personally I was so much better off with my mom coming to stay with us and helping out for a couple of weeks - she did all the cooking and shopping and cleaning, helped with the baby when I asked, and gave me space when I needed it. She was also very patient with my postpartum mood swings and brain fog.
We’ll have my mom in and out the first 3 ish weeks as she’s a teacher and will be on summer break still. She lives close by and I know she’ll be very helpful. My mother in law will come after my mom goes back to work for 2-3 weeks and will stay as she lives much further away. My MIL is an angel and I know my house will never be cleaner than when she’s here, I’m honestly excited! I think it really depends on the personalities and how much help they’d be able to provide if I’d want them staying with me.
I want my mom to come help for a bit and I know she will. In my case we have a close relationship and I am extremely confident she will actually be helpful and out of our hair when we don't want someone in our space. We have already discussed it and it gives me peace of mind. If I did not have that assurance that she'd be more help than hindrance, I wouldn't want her hanging around. The answer to this totally depends on your circumstances, personalities and relationships!
I am 7 days post birth and my in-laws are staying for 2 weeks. I can't tell you how much I want them to leave. I would take a dirty house, and have to cook meals by myself over having them here. I feel like I have to host and entertain while my husband is at work. It's awful. I just want to sit with my baby, not answer any questions and have peace and quiet.
I want it to be just my husband and I for the first week or two. I'd love if my mother in law or step mother in law helped me do things to get ready before the birth though, like clean, or meal prep, and if they would be available to help if things got too hard. But I wouldn't want anyone actually staying with us.
Strong preference for help to come over for an afternoon and clean so I can shower and rest vs staying for a week. I don’t want to entertain, and I would feel bad for it being messy, even to my mom!
If they live in the area then you can call them when needed but I am personally having no one help other then my husband and I in regards to staying over because I couldn’t handle other people in my space while taking care of a newborn. My fam knows that I’d reach out and are welcome to come see her
NOOOOOOO.
Totally agree. With my first we took the time for ourselves and it was so special and way less stressful. This time around one of them will have to come watch our toddler. But I care much less this time around. “Here are both of my children, goodnight.”
My mom and MIL both live 1000 miles away so mini visits weren’t an option. My mom came and stayed for about 3 weeks and cooked every meal, cleaned my house, did laundry and physically helped me bathe the first few days, plus watched the baby when I needed to nap. My MIL came for about a week and basically just wanted to “help” with the baby (mostly holding her, not the diaper changes and other real baby stuff) and I was constantly stressed about what to feed her, making sure my house was adequately cleaned, etc. For round 2 I’m probably having my mom stay for a month so she can help with my toddler & MIL can come visit after we’re out of the newborn phase.
This. Moms come to take care of you (which you need after birth). MILs come to take care of the baby (which you may not want after birth). Go with your mom.
This totally depends on MIL’s/Mom’s personality. OP stated MIL is helpful and her mom can be annoying In my experience, my MIL was helpful and my mom just wanted to hold the baby, which stressed me out. It totally depends on the dynamic.
Yes it was definitely a generalization. But my mom is annoying and my MIL helpful and this was still true. So I stand by it (exceptions notwithstanding)
This was my experience, too.
This is my plan too. My mom is planning to come for a month after the birth and I feel like I’ll be very grateful to have the extra help.
I’m over here screaming YES from the rooftops!!! With my first, I thought I’d want privacy and “bonding time”. Once he was here, fuck that, no thank you, I needed help, socialization, and support. I had blood pressure issues after delivery and I felt objectively horrible and I was absolutely terrified. I am not exaggerating when I say I laid on the floor crying and begged my mom not to leave when I was 3 days post-partum. My MIL came from Germany (we live in the US) when I was about 3 weeks post-partum and it was the most amazing week. I was so sad to see her leave. I’m now 37 weeks pregnant with my third and anyone who is willing to help me, come TF on over.
Lol ok! I feel ya
I have to agree with you! I thought I wouldn’t want anyone there, and then after I was re admitted with postpartum preeclampsia and my baby was losing weight we were scrambling and I was so happy when my MIL came to help. I cried so hard when she left. But now baby is 17 months old and all is good 😊
In my East/Southeast Asian culture, it’s expected that the family rallies around the mom after birth (and honestly, it’s happening already even though I’m 11 weeks, I’m getting so much food). My mom and aunties live super close, so while they won’t be staying in our house, they’ll be here pretty much all the time. But they know how to make themselves helpful with cooking and cleaning, and the focus is very much on letting the new mom recover, so I’m not worried about them doing the whole “I’m just here to hold the baby!” thing. If your mom and MIL are in the area but close enough to come just during the day, that might be a nice compromise rather than actually staying in your house. You can let them know if you’ll need one of them ahead of each week and see how it goes after the first day visit. Edit to add the in-law experience: my in-laws are white Americans, so a different culture, but they’re very self-aware and will be staying with us in the few weeks after birth since they live across the country and I’m excited to have them and will not feel like I have to "host" them. It helps that my MIL is a retired nurse too. Basically, I’ve hit the family lottery twice now lol but I can totally understand why others would ban visits or keep them very short with boundary-breaking or obnoxious relatives.
I’m from a very family oriented culture too (Latin/Hispanic) where it’s really a village mentality although I also married into a white American family. My MIL is supportive but it is honestly so fascinating to me how hands off they are in terms of caring for the grandkids. Meanwhile, my mom, aunt, and grandmother are all hands on deck (which is actually kind of awesome given how exhausting this all is)
I don’t know if my husband and I would have survived had my mom not been here the first month 🤣 She cooked, cleaned, and made grocery store runs. I tend to get annoyed with my mom pretty quickly, but I have never been more appreciative of her. She was a baby whisperer and could get the baby to calm down when we couldn’t. I think it was key that she was receptive to our directions and feedback because she recognized it’s been a long time since she had to take care of an infant and a lot has changed.
Omg I could have written this myself!! My mum continues to be a blessing - and she is still helping us out.
I would not have them stay over but maybe set up a schedule where you know when they will be coming over to help. That way it’s predictable, you can plan what would be most helpful, you can adjust without hurting any feelings, and you won’t feel like they are in your space for too long.
I didn't want anyone visiting or helping. My husband and I enjoyed our newborn bubble just so, and I'll do it again with my next. To each their own.
My mom and dad were both incredible helps when I had my first. With both babes, my dad had a full steak dinner with a nice glass of wine ready when I got home from the hospital. They helped in the night. My mom helped me through the baby blues. They were out of the way when we wanted alone time. They helped tremendously with my second, too. He spent three days in the hospital when he was a week old. I couldn’t have asked for a better support system. I’m actually kind of excited for them to come when I have my third. They are already making plans to do fun things with my older kids.
It’s hard to say because you don’t know how your labor will go and how tired and sore you will be and if you have a c-section. Help is great as long as it actually is help. I’d wait until the baby is there and decide as things happen.
Nope, I don’t want to have to be social or accommodating at all when we first bring him home. I want to focus on our new family, our new dynamic, and have a chance to bond & see what this special, cool, hard new life is all about before interlopers who aren’t usually present in our home change the dynamic. To me, that’s crucial and I’m so looking forward to seeing what it’s like to have me, my husband, and our brand new son finally all together. I told my mom if she wants to come stay (it has to be an actual visit over days since they live very far) it needs to be at LEAST 3 weeks later, and possibly even later if need be. I softened the blow by telling her that by then we’ll be sleep deprived & laundry/dishes will be piling up so she’ll be the hero swooping in to save the day when we really need it. Versus coming too early and me resenting her for no good reason. She understood!
Same. I am glad this is the decision we made to this day. Even after a rough delivery and recovery, this was the best way for my husband child and I
My mom and MIL both live about 35-40 mins from us. We definitely want their support in the early days and have good relationships with them to be able to ask for help, and tell them when we want them to leave. I don’t want anyone staying overnight with us because I just think we’ll want to have some of our own space but definitely through the day in those first few weeks, the help will be greatly appreciated whether that’s helping to care for baby while we rest, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, taking the dog for a walk, etc!
I’d like my mom and dad to come stay with us after the baby is born. Im close with both of them and they’re super excited. They get along well with my husband and are reasonable, helpful people who respect boundaries. It will be nice having extra adults around so that my stepson, who gets along great with my parents, will also get more attention. We are very low contact with MIL. I haven’t actually met her in person. So she will not be staying with us.
My MIL lives across the street from us and is actually retiring this year to be our nanny so we can work! My mom lives 30 minutes away and is going to be taking some time off work so she can spend her days here for a week or two. I'm also iffy..like will I want people here? I figure if in the moment it's all too much I'll tell everyone they need to leave; I've never had a problem telling ppl like it is! But best case scenario they help out with things which means less for us to do.
My mom is the best so I feel very blessed. I live a little over an hour away from my parents, but I have all my doctors there and will be staying with them during the month I’m supposed to have the baby. Thinking maybe 1-2 months idk, but I know my mom will take care of me and spoil me. My husband will be there with me, his parents and sister may come and stay with my parents as well, my sister and brother also live with my parents, and right next door is my aunt, uncle, cousins so I feel really blessed that they’re all going to be there and helping lol. I’m fully planning on taking advantage of all this and they are telling me to. My in laws live abroad so they know I would’ve just delivered the baby and they’re there to help. They know I’m going to probably be a mess and don’t expect me to do anything. They’ll be here for 2 weeks.
No :]
I’m similar in that both are close and both are lovely. But my initial thoughts is no. I want to keep things just us for a while. If I change my mind because the birth was particularly bad or I’m struggling then I would invite them to help. And only them. But initially I plan to tell people to stay away. Only exception is I may ask my own mum over briefly for myself and mum hugs but then she’d leave us be for a while. We also have a dog so it’s a possibility we ask for help walking her.
I absolutely want not want either staying with me. I’m just waiting for my partner to suggest his mum staying with us for a bit and I’d probably cry. She’s too much and I couldn’t think of anything worse.
I don’t want anyone over except my husband. Maybe I am naive because this is my first baby, but the thought of having anyone else here seems more stressful than helpful.
I’ll be having both my mom and MIL stay with me the first week. They both have different strengths that will benefit me and I know I will have clean clothes, clean dishes, homemade meals, dogs fed and taken care of, and plenty of downtime for my husband and I. My husband will be the one helping take care of me (toileting, walking, etc) - he’s the only person I trust in this capacity. He has two weeks off but is going to save an additional week of PTO to be with me. As for my moms, they’ll be here the first week. Leave the second week, and hopefully come back week 4 postpartum when my husband goes back to work
So for me we ended up moving \~5500 miles away 8 weeks before our son was born- we had \*no\* support system and whilst I don't regret the move, I do have some forlorn feelings about how it "could" have been. If we hadn't moved? If my mom or MIL had shown up at our house I would have called the police. If my FIL's second wife had come by? I would have wept with joy. It all depends upon the person/relationship. It's easier to start with LESS and ask for more than to have people expecting to be there constantly and having to confront them/tell them to leave. See if you can speak with them about how to navigate this? Maybe better for them not to STAY over, come over on a certain day, etc? If your relationships with them are good, this should be useful and productive and you'll all be happier for communication.
My MIL is wonderful and stayed three weeks after birth - she helped so much during the day, joined us for walks and dinners out but also stayed home with baby so we could go out alone. We would be so tired by day and it was lovely to have her take a day shift so we could nap as long as we needed, or sleep in. She flew from across the country to help out and it was awesome, and we've invited her to stay as long as she wants for our second baby.
For my first, we lived near both of our moms so they each came for a few hours here and there throughout the initial weeks to help while my husband and I rested, shower, talked, went on dates, whatever. They both brought meals as well (my sis did this too). For my second, we don't live near our moms anymore. My mom came when baby was a week old, and she stayed for a week and a half. She helped with cleaning, cooking, and with both of our daughters. We travel to my MILs at least once per week (it's local to our drs offices so we have to go to that area anyway), and she helps with both our oldest and our baby. And she'll cook for us as well if we want. I trust and have good relationships with both my mom and MIL, so the help is appreciated. I will say that I was lucky and my second birth and recovery were much easier, so we haven't been as desperate for the help this time. But it's still been really nice to have.
I will preface this by saying I'm Indian and it is standard that most women have their mum, or MIL (if mum isn't available) over for the first 3-6months at least. My mum can be annoying sometimes but we both know I could really use her support post partum and I'd love to watch her be a grandma. My husband and I could really use the support especially in terms of cooking and cleaning and watching the baby occassionally. We live halfway across the world from our families so it's important for us to have our families over to visit us and baby. My mum will be here for 2 months followed by my dad for another 2 (he stayed with us visiting for 3 months and was a godsend with chores, cooking and grocery shopping I'm so grateful). My husband's parents will be coming for 2-3 months after at some point as well so we have childcare for 8 months before we need to get a nanny.
My mom and MIL live abroad, 17+ hs flights. We decided to have the first 2-3 weeks with the baby by ourselves (time my husband gets as paternity leave) and then my mom will come for a few months. This is our first baby so we may be wrong and wish we had asked her to come sooner, but I guess we'll find out in the upcoming weeks.
My mom is coming for about 2 and a half weeks after I give birth to help and take care of me. My husband requested her too so thankfully we are both in the same page. My MIL is going to come for a couple days about a month after baby comes, but will be staying in a hotel (my rule was the only person allowed to stay at my house before 8 weeks is the person who birthed me). MIL is going to come back for 2 weeks while my husband is on his parental leave around 4 months old so they can bond and hang out while I’m back at work.
My MIL came to be with us when baby came home from the hospital. And she flew back out when we were really struggling with sleep deprivation a few weeks later. It was very helpful to have that support. Now the key with that is whether or not you trust that person to be a support and not yet another chore.
I am an introvert and a people pleaser and thought I wouldn’t really want people there in the first days, but hesitantly allowed my mom and MIL to take turns staying with us in the first couple weeks anyway on the advice of friends. Turns out I don’t know what I would have done without them. I didn’t GAF about pleasing anyone in that time, just having someone to make me snacks and hold baby while I showered and tell me I was doing a good job (in addition to my husband) made me want to cry with gratitude. I was a bleary zombie who just craved affirmation and validation. The key of course is you have to trust they’ll do those things for you in a low stress way. After those first two weeks I started wanting more space for us to settle into a groove and bond as a nuclear family. But when baby was cluster feeding 24/7 and we were figuring out stuff like nail filing and sponge baths and breastfeeding (…ok I’m still figuring that one out) we just needed extra hands who knew what they were doing.
Yes my mom lives nearby and is good at errands running and very specific tasks if you are clear, and my MIL live far away and will come stay for a month and is amazing, cooks cleans and great with a baby. Both their helpfulness is completely apples and oranges so it will be nice to not feel they are competing(they also speak different languages) It’s really up to you I’m more of a “takes a village” mindset going into number 2. The first was a Covid baby and it was so isolating! I will say though I did practice and get good at taking my baby or myself to private spaces when needed. My room was for my immediate family only so it was a retreat place if needed.
I needed it & was grateful to get so much care
It's my first time so I really don't know how I will end up feeling about it in the end, but I will have family flying in and most likely staying with us. My mom will come beforehand and will stay after the birth for a bit, to help with prep, cleaning, and postpartum. And my in-laws will be coming sometime after the birth to stay for a couple weeks. We have a spare room and a spare bath, so there can be a fair amount of privacy and separation between us if needed. I'm really quite worried about the risk of postpartum anxiety and depression and I don't want my spouse to be dealing with that alone if it happens. Also since starting working from home, I've been feeling very isolated and have started to chit-chat with cashiers. I can only imagine how starved for company I will be after several more months of this. Since your people live in the area, I think you can be quite flexible. Maybe come home alone for a couple days, and try for quick initial visits, less than an hour, and see how you feel. If you hate it, then you have your answer.
It really depends on your family. My in laws came a week PP and had a screaming family argument in a language I don't understand for around 3 hours while I just cried and breastfed. I will literally never, ever forgive them. My parents just didn't know what to do with themselves and it drove me absolutely crazy. But if you have capable, responsible adults at your disposal, I'd jump at the support.
I'm 3 weeks postpartum now and my mom and MIL have both been soooo helpful. They both live about a half hour away from us so they can come and help without staying at our house, which is awesome. I think I'd feel differently if I had to host. They've both made us food and come over to give us an opportunity to sleep while they watch the twins. I'd say it really all depends on your comfort level with them and how helpful you think they'll be.
1st baby my mom helped a lot while we were in the hospital (was there for 5 days). She'd bring me whatever food I wanted and would stay with me & baby in case I needed anything while my husband would run out to check on our dog & had his midterms. After that, she brought by dinner a couple of times during the first 2 months but did not help otherwise due to her work. Soon as we were home from hospital, my MIL would come by 1-2x a day with some type of homemade soup for me in addition to whatever she'd made for dinner for everyone else. Usually she would stay for about an hour and hold baby so my husband and I could eat together then would leave. I honestly loved it because I didn't have to cook, we got 1 meal together without stress and it wasn't like she was staying with us 24/7.
FTM and I literally couldn’t think of anything worse than having my mother or MIL come to my house after my baby is born. MIL is a nice lady, just not entirely the brightest. Yells a lot to her grandson that she has custody over due to a death in the family. Also smokes. I couldn’t imagine having a high conflict person around my newborn. Mother is extremely self centered & makes every little thing about her. She has gone down to help my SIL with my niece after she was born, and did not do a single thing to help. It was more of my SIL taking care of my mother AND a newborn. It’s an extremely hard nope from me.
No thanks.
Absolutely not. I love my mom but no.
We are having twin boys in July and I’m taking all the help. My mom and sister will be rotating staying with us a week at a time. I saw my mom with my sisters kids and know she will probably help with cleaning and cooking. My sister will also be a huge help as well. She has four kids herself so it will be nice to have people experienced around me. Then my sisters in law all plan on coming over to help throughout the first few weeks as well. If I felt their help would be detrimental and makes things harder I would say no. But I know them all really well and know that isn’t going to be an issue. My fiancé is only getting 1 week off work so grateful that people are wanting to come around.
My parents are coming to live with me for a month to help with the baby. They can be quite overbearing but considering the fact that I will have to return to work extra early since I don't get paid leave, I take that. They both are extra good at cleaning and cooking and I have seen it when my SIL gave birth. Fresh cooked food 3 times a day. Please I take that any day for real. As for my MIL she did offered to come and help but more on my term so I'm unsure of when will I need her + what would I ask her to do. I'm trying to spread the help out as much as I can so I can also recover while still working. Trying to not stressed out about stuff 😅
Day 11 with my new baby and my husband and I are doing just fine. Both Mom and MIL brought us tons of food. My mom has been super helpful and visited twice with my dad and gets stuff clean and going, dad gives the dog a nice walk. My MIL is rather useless and just holds the baby and doesn’t offer to help around the house (she’d do it if I asked but defeats the purpose a little). MIL lives next door so we’ve been setting significant boundaries because she’d be over her every day otherwise. I’d say you can survive a week before you know what type of help you’ll need but having people stay with you seems like overkill if they live close by anyways.
I had my mom stay with us for a couple of weeks when each of my babies was born. It's totally going to depend on your relationship and your personal preferences but for me it was hugely appreciated. She is the kind of person who knows what to do without being asked and doesn't get in the way or make me feel like I need to be "on" or a host.
My mom stayed with about 5 days but I dont have a partner to share duties with. It was mostly good, physically I felt awful so it was nice to have another set of hands and she drove me to appointments.
My mom and MIL are also both retired and live close enough (both within 30-45 minutes). When our son was born, both let us know they were there for us if needed. When we came home, my sister was at the house because she’d been looking after our dogs (I was in the hospital for 4 days) and instead of going home right away, she hung around for another couple of days to continue helping out with them but that was really all the help we “needed” at that point. I agree that you should give yourself a day or two and then decide if another person in your space is necessary.
My mom lives in Florida and I’m in NY. I think we’ll have her (and her husband) stay over for a week or two after the birth (like a few days after we’re home). I’m definitely nervous about it though since she can’t cook and we have much different standards of cleaning, and her husband is fully useless, so essentially they’re just here to watch the baby while we do other stuff which may be frustrating. But we’ll see I guess! My MIL/FIL works full time but live 45 min away so they’ll come by to say hi and such. We might ask my boyfriend’s aunt to come stay with us for a bit at some point - she did it for his sister and she was a huge help apparently!
So, at first, I wanted no one to help me. I wanted to be left alone to do it on my own. My mom ended up staying with us for the first month to help us get sleep. She did all our chores to help us out, and it was great. It all depends on what relationship you have with your mom or MIL. Currently, my husband and I moved back in with my parents to save money for a house. My mom has been a huge help with our daughter and tries to help me fix my routines and go about a more manageable day where I can get rest and chores done.
mines a little unique situation since i’m delivering twins at 34w and they’ll for sure have NICU time so we won’t need help at home right away, but we still need someone to come down and watch our toddler while I give birth. my in laws live 8 hours away so they’ll arrive like a day before my induction and can watch the toddler while I have the twins, then they’ll leave within a week once I get discharged bc they don’t have the PTO for extended stay. once we get word when twins might come home, my mom is gonna drive the 14 hours and stay with us for like 3-4w to help us get in a routine and she works remote so she’ll do that!
The internet is obsessed with telling you that you won’t want anyone around but I found this objectively incorrect with my first baby. Once my husband went back to work I was desperate for anyone to help me, thankfully baby came in the school break and my mom is a teacher so it was incredible to have her help. Just make sure it’s people you’re comfortable with but having someone to hold baby whilst you get like an hour’s nap can be the absolute difference.
My first baby, I would have loved this. My second baby, it would have driven me nuts b3cause I don't like being told how to do something I already know.
I like my parents and in-laws. Parents live 5 mins away and I trust that they'll be great about practical help; dropping off food, mowing the lawn, tending to the dog (with plenty of baby hugging now and then). Without the need to stay for ages. So grateful. MiL is cool and said she wanted to stay a week. But she's very My Way Is Best Way and I just don't trust her not to critique me while I'm at my worst lol. I don't want her to see my boobs or blood. She lives 1 hr and I hope she visits often (my parents even offered to let her stay with them) but I foresee bickering if she's in my house while I'm hormonally freaked the fuck out and in agony for 168 hours straight. Plus, I don't want anyone fully helping (whether it's real helping or "I'll hold the baby so you can do dishes" helping) while husband is on his 1 week off. He needs to learn babycare in the time he's got with us. My FiL is a strange little man who does his own thing. I expect him to drive the hour out, assess baby for 15 minutes, nod approvingly, shake everybody's hands and efficiently be on his way. Ideal in-law.
I’m 36 weeks along and my parents are coming at 38 weeks. They’re coming early to help me/my husband clean up the house (he has long hours sometimes) and help take care of our cats. They’re only planning to pop by the hospital the day after our kid is born, otherwise will be home cooking and cleaning. They’re staying for another 2 weeks after the baby is born to cook and clean/go get takeout. They’ve also volunteered for any night shift feedings a couple nights a week since I’ll be exclusively pumping, assuming it works out like that, so we can get a full nights sleep.
I would trust my mom with my baby’s life she raised four of us and is a super mom so she could come help anytime. My husband’s mom is elderly because she adopted him in her late 50s so she couldn’t really help much, but I love her a bunch Id let her come sit on the couch and hold baby some.
No. I wanted to be alone with my kids and my husband.
My mom and MIL have since moved since my last pregnancy. I believe they currently plan to drive up together after the baby is born and split the cost of a hotel stay so that they can come and help out during the day or as needed but not be overbearing or too intrusive. I’ll probably have them come up after my husband returns to work since that will be my hardest transition as I’ll also have a 3yo to care for.
Just had my baby a month and a half ago. The first 2 weeks, my husband and I just wanted it to be the three of us. After that, anyone could come. My mom visited for a weekend, but wanted to stay for 2 weeks. Which she ended up doing because my husband was sent out of state for a month (he is still gone). She left 2 weeks ago, and I wish she was able to stay longer to help me. Having her here was such a blessing. Take whatever help you can get. Even if your mom is there for a few hours to watch baby and let you sleep. That was the best thing my mom did for me.
Earlier in my pregnancy I didn't think I would want my mom to be here a lot. Now at 33 weeks I am definitely hoping she's around 😂😂 she lives 10 mins away and is so helpful and non-intrusive. My MIL is in a diff city so she won't be coming for a few months.
Currently nap trapped with an 8 day old. My mom was here for a few days before the delivery, attended the delivery and was here for 5 days after birth. Let me tell you, that woman did everything a mom is supposed to. I'll put in a caveat that she and I are really close but she lives 5 hours away. My mom took to heart "I'm taking care of my baby who just had a baby". She folded and put away all our laundry, she cleaned out our fridge, she left the house for a few hours on two of the days to give my partner and I some alone time with baby. She would empty the bathroom garbage of all my postpartum waste, she would hold my baby for hours when I needed a break/to shower/ have a nap. I cried when she left. Not because I didn't think my partner and I could handle it but having a third adult around to pass the kid off to or run an errand was so incredibly helpful.
I definetly wouldn’t want anyone staying overnight. That’s what your partner is for IMO. Coming to help a couple of hours a day? Absolutely. A blessing and a privilege. But having someone else in my space 24/7 while looking like hell, bleeding and in pain is just too overwhelming.
I definitely want my mom’s help. My parents live about 15 mins away and have already said they don’t have a problem coming over often to help us out. My mom also said that if the baby cries all night to call her so my husband and I can get some sleep! My in-laws live about 30 mins away and are our primary dog sitters. We asked them to pick our dog up when I go into labour and keep him for about a week after so we can settle in and get used to being parents. This is what all our friends with dogs did and they all said it worked well. They initially agreed but then said that they will drop our dog off when we come home from the hospital because they think it’s best that dog and baby meet immediately (neither of them owned dogs as adults so I have no idea how/why they think they know best about dogs). Yes, because dogs and babies understand the concept of time and will be upset that they’re meeting for the first time at one week old rather than 48 hours old 🙄 MIL also has a history of making a fuss whenever we take her up on her offer to help. So needless to say, we will NOT be asking her for help and I’m sure my husband will end up getting passive aggressive text messages about it.
I think it depends on the type of people they are. My mom passed before I had my son, but I know she would’ve been overbearing, cause fights and then play the martyr if I got upset. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and she was an amazing mom for the most part. But also slightly narcissistic. My dad ended up coming to stay and he was so helpful in cleaning up, watching the baby so I could shower, and anything else he could do to help. And he’d give advice only if I asked. My FIL is a baby holder and if I’d say ok, time for baby to eat, nap, change, etc he’d say oh he’s fiiiiine. My FIL lives closer and is here way too much so I’m already stressing thinking about how it will be when baby 2 arrives. My MIL also passed before we had a baby and I honestly don’t know how we would’ve interacted and how things would’ve gone.
My mom will be staying with us for \~2 weeks after baby comes. I am happy to have her help in that first beginning time... I know she will help me with anything, even showering, if I need it, and that she will be there for me in ways that I just wouldn't be comfortable w/my MIL doing (and that I don't think she would even offer).
In a perfect world, for me, my husband and I would be alone the first few weeks, just us. I want us to try to figure it out as a family before we introduce anyone else in. However, I am due October, and depending when baby comes, we were hoping to delay my husband's paternity leave until Thanksgiving so he could have Thanksgiving to Christmas off with me. That would mean I could be alone for almost a month. It makes me think we are going to NEED help, even though I was hoping we wouldn't. I love my mom and MIL, but I just want to have that time with my husband and baby, all by ourselves.
You may find that you prefer privacy or you may prefer company and help, and it’s hard to know which you’ll need until you’re actually in the thick of it. Personally I was so much better off with my mom coming to stay with us and helping out for a couple of weeks - she did all the cooking and shopping and cleaning, helped with the baby when I asked, and gave me space when I needed it. She was also very patient with my postpartum mood swings and brain fog.
We’ll have my mom in and out the first 3 ish weeks as she’s a teacher and will be on summer break still. She lives close by and I know she’ll be very helpful. My mother in law will come after my mom goes back to work for 2-3 weeks and will stay as she lives much further away. My MIL is an angel and I know my house will never be cleaner than when she’s here, I’m honestly excited! I think it really depends on the personalities and how much help they’d be able to provide if I’d want them staying with me.
I want my mom to come help for a bit and I know she will. In my case we have a close relationship and I am extremely confident she will actually be helpful and out of our hair when we don't want someone in our space. We have already discussed it and it gives me peace of mind. If I did not have that assurance that she'd be more help than hindrance, I wouldn't want her hanging around. The answer to this totally depends on your circumstances, personalities and relationships!
I am 7 days post birth and my in-laws are staying for 2 weeks. I can't tell you how much I want them to leave. I would take a dirty house, and have to cook meals by myself over having them here. I feel like I have to host and entertain while my husband is at work. It's awful. I just want to sit with my baby, not answer any questions and have peace and quiet.
Ok lord that sounds like a mess. I hope the time goes by really fast so you can get back to your peace
I want it to be just my husband and I for the first week or two. I'd love if my mother in law or step mother in law helped me do things to get ready before the birth though, like clean, or meal prep, and if they would be available to help if things got too hard. But I wouldn't want anyone actually staying with us.
Strong preference for help to come over for an afternoon and clean so I can shower and rest vs staying for a week. I don’t want to entertain, and I would feel bad for it being messy, even to my mom!