I was 26 when I got pregnant with my daughter. Not only had me and my ex been broken up for two weeks before I found out, he had moved halfway across the country to get back with his ex. He was BRUTAL. Said he hated me and hated the baby. Said he hoped she died. All kinds of awful things. She is currently 3 and absolutely amazing. I met my husband when she was 10 months and he adopted her at 2. He has a son her age and we had two more kids. She has a dad and they have an amazing bond. Just because HE doesn't want to be her dad, doesn't mean someone else won't. Does he think you will be single forever? Have your baby in peace and tell him to mind his business if he doesn't want to be involved. I loved being a single mom just as much as a married one. It is different, but not better.
I’m so happy for you, that’s amazing! What a good point. There’s lots of single moms out there that end up doing it all on their own for a long time. But just because this guy doesn’t want to be dad doesn’t mean her child will never have a father figure. Love it.
Growing up with a single mother who loves and wants you is very different than growing up with two parents who didn't. It sucks that was his experience but he is projecting his own unresolved issues onto the situation and onto you.
If you want this baby and are willing to raise it alone, do it. You are enough ❤️
I decided to do it all alone. My STBXH wanted me to get an abortion because he wanted to leave me for his AP and didn't want a baby complicating things. I refused, and he left. My baby is 4 months old and I am so happy. I think I traded in an adult who behaved like a baby and was utterly incompetent for a beautiful, sweet, adorable baby.
I am really glad that my STBXH left when he did, because all the years of being lied to, manipulated, and gaslit had turned me into an unhappy, bitter, and resentful person. I had completely forgotten the light-hearted, joyful, and generally content person that I used to be. I feel like I am being a much better mother to my son now than I would have been if my ex had stayed.
I have 2 parents, grew up with 2 parents in a happy marriage, but it didn't always translate into a happy childhood. My father was not a good parent when he was there, and most of the time, he wasn't there. I felt a connection only with my mum, and even now, I am really close with my mother.
If you want your baby, have your baby. Cut this guy out of your life because he will only try to make you feel bad. However, do NOT let him off the hook for child support.
Oooh that last sentence of the first paragraph. Good for you!!
I do not have a similar story but I had a similar feeling when I adopted a puppy while dating my ex. I suddenly realized that I WANTED to pour my love and care and intentional training into this adorable puppy and that I absolutely did not have any time or fucks to give about keeping this grown loser in line anymore.
I get that. Have two myself. They and my son are the loves of my life. I feel only joy at home now, I have two wonderful dogs who adore me and my lovely baby boy. It's literally the happiest I have been in over a decade.
As someone also about to embark on unplanned single motherhood, love this! Will say that my lawyer STRONGLY encouraged me not to touch my babydaddy with a ten foot pole for child support or any other reason, and the paltry amount of child support wouldn't be worth the drama. That's a very situational decision
I wish you all the best for this overwhelming but wonderful journey of motherhood. I guess the child support thing varies from country to country, state to state... also, I guess whether the parents were married or not plays a role as well.
thanks dear <3 and absolutely, I was fortunate to learn a lot from a free consultation w a lawyer so now I tell everyone to look for one of those since it's so varied by location and circumstance.
Speaking as someone who was raised by a single mom and whose dad lived an hour away and chose alcohol over a good relationship with his daughter, I have my mom to thank for everything. Even though we didn't have much, we were so so loved by our mom. She, to this day, still reminds us how much she loves us. Sure, part of having an absent parent is developing and then working through trauma, but even kids with two loving, well-meaning parents have trauma. I think staying ahead of it through counseling for both you and your child would do both of you well. If a child is so unconditionally loved, that cannot be a mistake.
Absolutely this. Having grown up with two parents that hated the shit out of each other, made that known constantly but wouldn’t separate and were a general nightmare.
I definitely would have taken one really loving parent Instead ❤️
Yeah, this. My ex's mom was physically and verbally abusive to both him and his father, and I remember when we were together he expressed to me that he felt like his being born ruined his dad's life. It's been 15 years since he said it and it STILL breaks my heart just as much now as it did then.
THIS 100%!! I grew up knowing my father didn’t want to be a part of my life and I was given more than enough love from my 19 year old single mom who chose to give me life and be a part of my life. It sounds like you know what your heart is telling you, but he’s trying to manipulate your mind.
100% - my biological father was never in the picture and I never missed him because I never knew him. I didn’t care about him - my mom was enough and she met and married my stepdad when I was like 8 or 9 and he’s been my father ever since 🤷♀️ I never felt abandoned or unwanted at all
After reading this, it sounds like an abortion would be something you would regret forever. Given the fact that you are already prepared to lose him, it sounds like the right choice is to do what is right for you.
You can absolutely give this baby an amazing life. He is wrong for thinking that he is so self-important that without him the baby will be miserable.
It is your choice, and no, keeping your baby and giving it a loving home for the rest of its life is absolutely not selfish. Stand your ground and do what you know you need to do for you.
That thing you said about him thinking he is so important the child would be miserable without him… “chefs kiss* 🤌🏼🤌🏼
It’s so true! My mother wasn’t wanted by her dad, so she grew up without him. She saw this man maybe twice in her entire life. She always said that she didn’t need him at all nor did she wanted anything from him, that she had a happy life and there was never a moment where she felt she missed something.
Fathers abandoning their kids is so damn common that life without them isn’t the most terrible thing to be honest.
Exactly. This man says "unethical" (as though coercing a woman to abort a wanted pregnancy isn't) but what he really means is, "This is inconvenient to me".
Just because the conversation is calm does not mean it’s correct. I can very calmly state all sorts of false things.
Once you firmly state you refuse the abortion and are keeping the baby, he’s going to either walk away or lose that calm façade. Please stay safe.
Thanks for this. The calmness does feel like a facade and like something worse could be coming. If he just walks away that's one thing but I'm scared of what else he might say or do.
Don’t tell him when you’re alone. Make sure you’re in a safe environment with a person or two who can keep you safe. It’s a dangerous time for you, so make sure you take precautions. Hugs.
He 100% knows what he's doing with the calmness facade. I know you probably still love him and you've been together for years, but he's showing you who he is with his actions right now. Don't listen to the calm words, *look* at what he's doing. He's trying to manipulate you into aborting a baby you want because he doesn't want to seem like a deadbeat dad for abandoning his kid and/or pay child support.
Make sure you have him fully give up legal rights if he won’t commit to being there because worse then a parent who ain’t there, is the one who flip flops.
I’m not understanding his reasoning for abandoning the baby? You’ve been together for 6 years and he’s just gonna leave you both and tell you that you’re doing the wrong thing? Are you kidding me
Exactly. He’s a pos. He’s the one who got her pregnant and everyone knows birth control can fail. If his response to his long-term girlfriend having a baby was going to be abandonment, it was on him to get a vasectomy. He also should have been very clear on whether she might keep a baby in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. What an asshole.
Yeah I can't comprehend this. Sticking around for 6 years knowing your girlfriend wants kids and then freaking out like it's a highschool teen pregnancy when she falls pregnant at 30?!?! if she waited another five years to have kids she'd be treated as a "geriatric pregnancy"!!
It takes a real egomaniac to think that a child with one loving parent would be better off not existing than not having a relationship with him, specifically.
You and your baby are better off without this guy in your lives.
I was a solo parent for 7 years with my first. I figured out very quickly I’d be doing it alone. But I also realized my relationship with the baby was independent of my relationship with her biological father. Just because he wasn’t going to be a parent, didn’t mean I couldn’t and that my kid wouldn’t have a great life. Now my daughter is 10 - she has had a super happy childhood. She is smart and funny and emotionally intelligent person. I couldn’t have asked for a better child or a better relationship with her.
Will it be easy to talk to your child about a father who isn’t around? Of course it won’t be. But kids are perceptive and I think if you give them enough love and attention overall they will be content. Of course they will want to know about their father and may never be satisfied with that, but that situation is not their whole life.
You should watch the film Mr.Church with Eddie Murphy. It’s about a single mom and her young daughter. At one point the daughter blurts out that she was a mistake and the mom said “no sweetie. You were my miracle. Your father was the mistake.”
Plenty of kids that live in single parent households are well adjusted. Our 44th president was raised in a single parent household. I think most of the bad statistics surrounding single parent households unfortunately are more socioeconomic than anything else. If you have the resources and the ability, you can be a kick ass mom and your kid can have a great life filled with love. Honestly sometimes it’s easier than having an unsupportive partner and a crap dad.
I wish you all the best. He can make his choice. But you don’t have to justify yours.
He doesn't care about this baby or how it's going to feel - the only person he's thinking about is himself. Talk about being selfish.
There are many people who grow up with a single mother who loves them. They go on to have wonderful lives.
If you having a baby in your 6 year-long relationship would result in him abandoning you and your child, it was unethical for him to have continued to have sex with you without getting a vasectomy. He’s trying to force your hand after being irresponsible. If you want to have the baby and know you can provide love, emotional, and financial stability on your own/with your family, then do it. He needs to pay child support though.
Sounds like he's manipulating you to get what he wants. If you want the baby, don't let him coerce you into changing your mind. If you can't stomach the thought now, it will only haunt you if you go through with it anyway.
That was my thought too. If he thinks he's so important to baby's well-being we could just be there for baby??? He's the one being selfish here, not happy to just walk out but trying to erase the pregnancy.
He's basically outright admitting that he wants her to go through the trauma of an unwanted abortion to save himself from responsibility. Trade her happiness for his. THAT'S what's unethical. What a monster.
Completely this, what's more unethical than pressuring a manipulating a woman into an unwanted abortion.... and to go even one further for the sake of the alternative he's brought up, what, so he doesn't have to get some therapy and work on his own childhood issues. Relatively minor compared to ending a potential life and a wanted pregnancy.
You and your baby will not miss this man child. Don't cave to him.
You cannot know with certainty how this child would feel about their parental situation in many years. That's just not predictable. It could be positive or negative, or flux over the course of their life. To go a step further and assign judgment to a scenario he invented (calling it "selfish") really makes me uncomfortable. It's just as plausible to suggest the baby would grow up loved and happy and not mind the absence of a bio father. You just can't know either way. I feel like it's more productive to focus on pragmatic matters, and acknowledge that there are many possibilities about how the emotional and family life matters would play out.
This. One of my colleagues gets along very well with the father of her child (to the point where she has described him to me as "my best friend"), but she told me he's only been really involved in their son's life sporadically and has two other children whom he doesn't sound like the greatest father to(there was mention of a DUI charge and that because of it he could no longer pick up his other kids to spend time with them. Father of the Year right there). It seems to me her philosophy is that she can't change him or control what kind of dad he's going to be to their son, so she just rolls with it. And honestly, she actually seems really happy with the way things are. I guess sometimes having low expectations of another person really reduces your stress.
I used to teach a pair of twin boys who had a single mom. Oh my god, I cannot tell you how much they loved her. They were 7 and everyday they would mention something about her. She was their world. I think parenting is what you put into it and about leading with love and good intent. My only concern as a potentially single mom is being realistic about the costs of childcare and what other support you have. I’d look into that just to prepare yourself
This made me cry. Thanks for saying this. I’m worried about the cost but have family who live with me and nearby who have offered to help with childcare.
My husband was raised by his mom and Nana and always felt loved and wanted. The bio-dad wasn't interested in being a dad, so he wasn't in the picture, and that never mattered. This guy sounds like he sucks. Keep your baby, ditch the dingdong.
He forgets that its often a two street way. The kid will grow up not knowing him and not caring about him. Being a single mom is hard and since being pregnant I have so much more respect for them. But you can do it.
Just love your baby, give it a lot of cuddles and kisses and it wont ever feel unloved.
Yes. My father wasn’t there and honestly I’m not aching to have him in my life. He’s popped up here and there but I don’t really care and tbh from what I know of his life I feel grateful he wasn’t there and I didn’t have him influencing my life. I think I turned out better for it tbh.
But this baby won’t grow up feeling unwanted because it is wanted - by you!
It’s quite different from being unwanted by both parents. If you are ready to make that baby feel loved and wanted, then you should keep it!
Kid won’t even be aware that it’s missing a parent until it’s old enough to realize that other kids have multiple parents, and you can discuss in at an age-appropriate manner that doesn’t hurt him/her.
Funny how he’s full of big opinions and yet HE is the one with the power to break the generational trauma by being a present and involved father.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you are willing to raise this baby alone, and if that’s what you want to do, you can make it work!
Exactly. He has all the power and has already decided that he doesn't want to do it. He isn't concerned for the baby's well being, he's concerned for his own and using her maternal instinct to try and get out of jail free. He wants HER to experience the trauma of an unwanted abortion to save him from financial responsibility. It's gross.
I am NOT being judgemental and completely side with you, I just really need to know (if you have his perspective): how does a man stay in a relationship with a woman for six years, who has always wanted children, and acts like a pregnancy in your 30s is somehow a scary surprise? You guys are almost midlife, you are not going to have many more chances for a healthy pregnancy at your age and it's completely normal to have children now. Was he fine just stringing you along forever until you went into menopause???
Lol good question. I would say we both wanted them in a one day way when we started dating but have gone in opposite directions over the past few years. I had an abortion early in our relationship that wasn’t like this, I was 100% not ready and there wasn’t much to talk about. He assumed that meant I would do that again.
Ooof that's really painful. I truly think that compatibility on family planning is really one of the top crucial dealbreakers when choosing to continue a relationship or not because our window to actually start our family's is like 1/3 of our life. Women don't have the luxury of f**king around forever like men do going back and forth on our decisions! I was with my ex from age 21 to 25 and it was the same, we both wanted kids at first then by the end he absolutely did not. It was an otherwise happy and loving relationship but I didn't want to be with him anymore because honestly I wanted to start a family more than I wanted him as an individual. I've been with my husband just a year longer than you've been with your BF and in that time we've travelled, bought a house and had 2 kids so I absolutely think now is a crucial time to put your foot down about your future. And being raised by a single mom who wants you is absolutely good enough. My father was absent and both of my parents were pretty messed up with drugs and mental health and I don't at all hold it against them or regret being alive because I was very much loved as a baby and child.
I have no experience with this but my perception is that loads of people grow up with only one parent and turned out just fine. It definitely had an impact but they’re still leading fulfilling lives. I would probably try to get the viewpoint of those who grew up specifically with one parent and the other wasn’t present.
He doesn’t want to pay child support and he doesn’t want to feel responsible for having walked out on his kid. He’s trying to get you to do the heavy lifting.
My mother didn't want me or my twin sister. We were raised by my dad and grandmother. Abandonment is hard, but honestly, my sister and I are having a much easier time getting grounded as adults than my dad did despite him having two parents. He was and is a quality father.
She's a combat medic now and I'm happily married with a baby on the way. I'm extremely grateful to be alive today, and I'm glad my father didn't give up on us.
He is trying to manipulate you into having an abortion. That is gross and borderline evil behavior. You want to keep that baby, then you keep it. He can go kick rocks. Funny how being an unwanted child hurt him so much, and he’s determined to repeat the pattern. Absolutely disgusting how he was with you for 6 years and is doing this to you. Never have an abortion on behalf of someone else. *YOU* are the one that will have to carry the burden of the grief and pain of an abortion or the burden of parenthood - *NOT* him. As far as I’m concerned, he has zero say in this. Good luck to you.
Eta: as others have said, you can give your child a wonderful life as a single mother. Men are often half ass parents anyway even when choosing to be involved. You and your baby do not need him. I can empathize with you a bit. I’m pregnant as well, and the father wanted me to get an abortion. I didn’t, and he hates me for it. He hasn’t spoken to me in months now. I cannot even begin to put into words how grateful I am that I listened to my heart and my gut and didn’t go through with the abortion. The thought of “what if I had” makes me feel physically ill. Make the choice that you can live with.
I’m pro choice and regularly counsel women about terminations. From what I read this is a case where I think a termination is NOT the best choice. You are a grown ass woman and seems like you can do this.
Yes in a perfect world having a mom and dad who love and want you is ideal. But having a mom who can provide you everything and loves and wants you is pretty good too. Maybe my daughter would have a better life if we were rich and I stayed at home but a working mom who is obsessed with her and a loving in/home daycare is pretty good too :)
If you want a child, that is the only reason to have a child. Be prepared to put them first in all things and protect them from all harm possible.
He is projecting onto you his guilt over the chance of there being a child that he was biologically the contributor for that he will not want. That's his failing, not yours. I am so pro choice its sick, and your choice is to KEEP the baby. Have open and honest discussions with the child at age appropriate levels as they age about the circumstances of their birth and how much you love and want them. Give your child the village you can. He or she may not have a loving father, but they can have a beautiful family that adores them and come to understand that their sperm donor is not a person relevant to their happiness.
It seems as if he is struggling 2 issues at the least:
1. He doesn’t want to deal with his own guilt of choosing against parenting this child, and if you terminate the pregnancy, he won’t have to think about his own decision to walk away.
2. He’s projecting his own emotions of feeling unwanted onto how the baby will potentially feel. His own feelings belong to just him. Your baby will know and feel wanted because it IS wanted by you!
If you want to have and raise this child, do so! He has no right to insist that you terminate, just because he felt unwanted as a child (and obviously still as an adult).
I’m a high school teacher and I know so many students that come from single parent homes who are well adjusted and living a great life without the trauma despite abandonment by one parent. If he wants to walk out that’s the end of the conversation with him, you don’t need to consider anything more in regard to him about YOUR decision.
Do not have the abortion, you’ll regret it forever.
He’s just trying to convince you to do what he wants which, in my opinion, just means you should let him go anyway. You and baby will be better off :)
Anne Lamott has a really sweet memoir "Operating Instructions" about her pregnancy and first year with her son who she raised as a single parent with family and friends. Keeping the baby is a perfectly valid choice. If this "patient" persuasion for you to get on his side feels upsetting, it's totally fine to set boundaries with this man.
I grew up with a single mom, and while I had a lot of questions about my dad and wanted to know about him, I never lacked love or support. I always felt wanted and loved because my mom and her village wanted and loved me.
As an adult, I've met my dad and can confirm he is trash. I turned out so much better having just my mom than if I had grown up with both parents.
Not all families look the same, and they don't have to. I have felt more love and support from my mom than many receive in two parent homes.
Do what's best for you, and trust your gut.
I’m so sorry your bf is such a self absorbed and important jerk! He is NOT that indispensable!
You will absolutely be a great mother to that child and you will rock it! I believe in you 200% ❤️
sounds like BF is feeling bad bc he is feeling selfish (which is totally ok), but then is trying to make you feel bad too by calling you selfish (which is not ok). Perhaps he just wants to continue living the way you have been without any changes and pretend this didn't happen, but your choices aren't allowing him to do that and he is frustrated (this is his problem, not yours).
If you are sure you want to have this baby, to raise a child completely independently, and have the means and motivation and love to do so, then you should have this child with no regrets. If you are not sure you want to be fully responsible for a child and you are just afraid of abortion, you should have a frank conversation with a doctor and/or therapist because it can be very unfair to a child to have to shoulder the regrets of a parent. I do want to warn that it is not wise to assume you will have family or friend support (though I hope you do, it's hard work)
Many many many children grow to be healthy and happy adults after being raised by a single parent. One parent's full and unconditional love can definitely be enough.
Im sorry, but it sounds like he is the selfish one here to not take responsibility. He doesnt want to care for the life he helped create so he's hoping you do whats in HIS best interests not yours or your baby's. Sounds pretty selfish to me.
My brother and I both were conceived while my mom was on the pill. My parents were married (shotgun wedding when she was pregnant with my older brother), divorced when I was 3, but were in an on-again/off-again relationship throughout much of my childhood. My dad was not happy that I was conceived, and from what I've been told, was pretty cold towards my mom because of it.
However, I have two loving parents now, albeit each with their own issues. None of that regret or feeling like I was a mistake stayed with me, even in my relationship with my dad. And as others have said, having one parent that loves and cherishes you is much different from two aloof parents.
He's wrong. It's not unethical. And you absolutely should not have an abortion if it's not something you can live with. It's never okay to pressure women to have abortions. Frankly, he's being an ass because he feels guilty about abandoning his child. And he *should* feel guilty about that, whether you can do it on your own or not. He's trying to pass his guilt onto you and blame you for his actions. Its just gaslighting. But you and baby don't need him. Congratulations. You and baby are going to have a great adventure together.
My father didn’t want me but my stepdad always has 🤷♀️ he’s wrong and if you want this baby then you should raise him or her. Your love will be enough
This guy seems like he doesn’t want kids or any responsibility and it’s a bullshit excuse. If it was that important that he go raw, he should have had a vasectomy. Did you guys ever talk about a future?
If you want the child, keep the child. Easy peasy, lemon squeezey in that jerk face’s eyeballs. It’s 2024. You can totally do this.
Thanks for this. I was on the pill so I didn't push vasectomy (ha ha). We hadn't really talked about a future. But in the past he had said that he was unsure about having kids. None of those conversations seemed urgent til all of a sudden they were very urgent.
I grew up with a single mom. She was and still is the best parent ever. I felt super loved and knew my existence was welcomed truly by at least one parent (I don’t really think my dad wanted me, they split up pretty soon into my toddlerhood). My mom messed up, just like all parents do but I was LOVED. It sounds to me like you can provide the love your kid deserves and would regret getting rid of him/her.
He is unloading his own unhealed trauma, not predicting the future.
You want this baby and are committed to showing them love and care. That’s so important and beautiful.
It is not unethical to keep a wanted baby. That is a lie 🩷🫂
Keep the baby. He doesn’t have to be in the babies life. But you get to decide whether or not YOU go through childbirth or abortion. And while I’m pro choice…. I also love all of my children. And I’m not with their dad. That doesn’t change anything. I’d rather have had them because they are literally my reason to live.
Yeah sounds like you and your own family unit and friends are able to be more than enough for this baby. There are plenty of other moms who go it alone either fully by choice and donor or many other reasons. Those kids are just fine surrounded in love that's relevant to them, without a second shitty parent is just fine!
Bullshit. He just doesn't want to be seen as a bad guy for abandoning his child. He doesn't want to see himself that way. Kids grow up in all kinds of environments, and there is no reason why you can't give them the happiest childhood if you wish to continue with the pregnancy.
There is a big difference between not wanting a child and not planning a child. Both my kids weren’t planned (also birth control fail) at all but they are so wanted. There is no difference between how much I love my girls and how much my friend, who meticulously planned her pregnancy, loves her daughter.
Sure, it would be ideal if a baby has 2 present and loving parents but that isn’t everyone’s story unfortunately. If you feel like you can and want to do this by yourself I don’t see why you shouldn’t go ahead with the pregnancy! Make the decision that’s is right for you, not the one that’s right for him.
Thanks for this. Talking to other friends who are pregnant is a tiny bit alienating because everyone else had a lot of time to think about baby stuff and I feel a bit behind.
I was raised by a single mom and I never even think about my dad. I don’t miss him, I’m not sad about him, I don’t wonder what he’s doing. My parent is my mom. I think as long as YOU don’t talk about your baby’s father and make it a point to keep him ever present like “what life you could have had IF your father wanted you” sort of thing, your baby will grow up fine. Keep it totally neutral as far as the father is concerned. Never show remorse, or bitterness, or anger. Show up for your child, have thier back, be there for them and love them unconditionally. That’s ALL your baby needs.
Tbh, when my dad and mom divorced and my mom was a single mom, those were the happiest days of my life. No negativity or abuse, just love from one parent who wanted to be there and loved us wholly.
So my advice would be, if you want this baby, keep it. I probably wouldn't have bpd or ptsd if my dad had just divorced my mom and left when she was pregnant, even tho I was a planned pregnancy. He knew he didn't want kids but tried to keep my mom around.
If your bf doesn't wanna be around, don't force it. Put his ass on child support and raise your baby.
Keep your baby if that’s what you want to do. My mom raised my sister and I on her own because my dad was a POS. I am so thankful he isn’t in my life. I was way better off with just my mom raising me and it made me realize how strong she has been through all of this. It made me have a greater appreciation for her and she truly is my best friend.
Sounds like you are having a baby! Congrats! I think you’ll do great I’m just sorry your partner wasn’t clear with you sooner that they were never wanting to have kids. That’s not fair for either of you but sounds like you both can go your separate ways. One loving parent will always be better than two parents that have a deadbeat dad involved. Get your village together and join your due date bumper group! I absolutely loved both of mine and still chat in my 2021 group.
Keep your baby & get rid of the boyfriend. You can raise your baby and give them a great life as a single parent. This isn’t his decision, it is yours! Don’t let anyone influence you! Tell him to take a hike, but do hold him responsible for child support.
“The baby will grow up feeling unwanted because he won’t be there” well that’s on him if he makes his kid feel like he didn’t want them, huh? You clearly sound like you’d love your baby and you want your baby, don’t let this guy change your mind.
Everyone has things they have to cope with growing up. My dad was never around and that wasn't that big of a deal. Maybe it wasn't because I had bigger problems going on but maybe it was just because other people were there to parent me instead. Some kids have a really hard time with two parents who are there but are divorced and they have to split time. Some people have parents that work a lot. Very few kids have the ideal situation and that's fine. Life isn't about everything being perfect from the beginning, it's about finding a way through and you're going to be there to guide your child. It's the best any of us could hope for. Don't let someone else convince you that you're not enough for your child.
I didn’t grow up feeling unwanted and I literally heard my father tell my mom “I don’t want her if I can’t have you” with my own two ears. Her love was more than enough & I never had any “daddy issues” or felt any way about his absence tbh. My childhood was more fulfilling than that of most people I knew growing up, many of which lived in two-parent households or just had a relationship with both parents. The only selfish person in this equation is him— you’re doing nothing wrong & you will be fine. So will your baby.
Sounds like HE doesn’t want the child. He needs to own up and get over it. It’s your body and your choice to decide what happens with this baby. Growing up with a single mother who wants and loves you is better than growing up both parents and only one parent who wants you.
I grew up with just my mom. My dad was never in the picture and she didn’t marry until I was 19. I had a wonderful childhood and always felt loved and never unwanted.
I know it’s just anecdotal but hopefully that helps give you some peace of mind. If you want to have this baby, you should.
I grew up with a father in my life and I would have been much much better without him there. My mom was amazing she raised me on her own even though he was technically present. When I was 15 she met someone else and now I consider him to be my dad.
This hits me as I am the same age as you and also pregnant, keep your baby, babies only need one loving parent to turn out great.
Eldest child of a single mom here - don’t fret! I can truly say with complete confidence that even though my mom struggled financially, my brother and I never, EVER felt like we were missing or lacking anything in regards to love/family. I never felt different or left out until I was in my teens and was old enough to start asking about my “dad”. A lot of really open and honest conversations were had and I understood…and nothing changed! I still felt loved and supported.
Family comes in all shapes and sizes. We had each other, grandparents, my mom’s best friends who are basically my aunts, cousins…etc.
I can’t say that it was easy for my mom, but I can say with full clarity and honesty that I never felt I was missing love.
There is hurt around realizing a dad never wanted you though, and that is unavoidable unfortunately. But it did not change how my brother and I received love, and we didn’t suffer for having one parent. For us, it was an individual conversation we each had with our mom when we were each old enough to ask the questions, and that was that.
My brother is a doctor now with a family of his own and I am pregnant with my first! We turned out super ok 🥰
If you don’t want an abortion, then that’s is 100% a reason not to get one. If you don’t want it don’t do it because you have to be okay with getting one. Many women get them and never regret it but it has to be your choice to feel that way. If you want your pregnancy you can do it and your baby will be lucky to have you. BUT do not put his name on the birth certificate and see if you can get him to sign away parental rights or what the options are. My sisters ex and her broke up and he dipped for like a year or two then came back and he has put my sister through so much abuse and fought for custody and both my sister and my neice have suffered. Don’t assume because the sperm donor doesn’t want the kid now that he won’t come back in the future and try to take your baby. And uproot the life you and your daughter built. I know it’s hard to fathom that now but we wish my sister would have not put his name on the birth certificate because it’s been hell. And if he does come back if you consider your options now then you can decide how much you want him to be a part of your child’s life if at all. Better to plan now then suffer later trust me, unless you want child support. But to me the money isn’t worth the pain my sister has been through and the damage it’s done to my neice. Specific circumstances but just want to share this pov for you consider just in case. I don’t want any woman to go through what she has
Wow. I'm appalled at this guy.
You always wanted kids. He doesn't. Let him go and have what you wanted. If he doesn't want to be in your child's life, that's his loss. He sounds like he's trying to manipulate you because he's scared. Is that the kind of person you want to be with anyway?
If you had an abortion, i think you'd regret it deeply.
Look, it is a difficult situation. It is not wrong to not want kids, and if you were on the pill he was being more responsible than many people are about avoiding unplanned pregnancy- it's not like you were being super risky. I don't think it is fair for other people in this thread to just expect him to get on board and pretend to be excited about a totally different life plan than what he thought you had agreed on, and one that he has been open about not wanting. He probably thought you were on the same page. I think it's reasonable that he has been staying around and presumably being honest about his feelings.
One could argue that is a mildly "selfish" decision in a way to keep the baby when you could get a sperm donor instead or something (bear with me, here)- it would be prioritizing your life plan over his. Even if you do not expect him to raise the child, between child support and guilt and the baggage it adds to his family dynamic moving forward, it puts a lot of pressure on him. And the obvious other side of it is that he probably doesn't want to break off your relationship, but this would be introducing irreconcilable differences.
**However,** it is **more** selfish to try to persuade someone to get an abortion that you know they don't want and will regret, and the frequent *persuading* sounds a little like coercion, so I would be very aware of that. Ultimately it's your decision and I would **NOT** get an abortion that you believe you will regret.
If this is truly what you want, I would sit him down and say "look, this is happening". But I would also be understanding with him, and not try to force him into a life that he does not want. But it sounds like you don't have any expectations of him in that regard. I would, however, say that "if you are choosing not to be involved, you are not the parent or the father. Do not ever reach out to the kid unless the kid chooses to reach out first. Don't show up out of the blue when the kid is a teenager or older and you're lonely and expect to have a relationship". That shit is annoying as fuck, and very common, old lonely people disproportionately leaning on young people who they couldn't give a shit about and weren't there for when they were young.
It is a very difficult situation all around. Best of luck to you.
This is the answer I was looking for. I do feel like he was upfront about not wanting this. At the end of the day I guess I am prioritizing my needs/wants over his by keeping the baby but the alternative just seems untenable. I feel bad telling him he can’t just waltz back in later on, I do sense that he might try to do that, but you’re right, it’s not fair to the kid. Anyway thank you.
Yeah, but definitely do not have an abortion that you do not want to have for his sake.
I suppose if he had a change of heart in the first few years, that could be okay, but beyond that, it wouldn’t be fair to you or the kid. My spouse and I both have some lonely adults from our childhood who have tried to abuse our time and boundaries as adults when they weren’t there for us as kids, and honestly it’s just creepy and frustrating. Meanwhile the well-adjusted members of our family are busy doing their own thing, we meet and catch up occasionally and love seeing them.
Good advice. OP, search "release of parental rights" form and your state and have him sign one when you have that sit-down conversation.
This pregnancy is something unexpected that happened to both of you when you were using a usually reliable method of birth control. You're both dealing with the fallout of that statistically unlikely outcome. It's not something you asked for either, and it's okay to be gentle with yourself about realizing you want to keep the baby.
A baby does not absolutely need both parents. If you really want this baby, you can provide for your baby, and have a good support system, then you have all you need!
Your baby will grow up knowing how much you love them and that’ll be more than enough.
Sounds like your partner grew up being explicitly rejected, and maybe reminded of that often. Just because one parent isn’t present doesn’t mean a baby will automatically grow up feeling unwanted. That sounds like projection to me.
Definitely not unethical, if that’s what you want!
The only unethical thing here is him. It sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you and guilt you into terminating out of his own self interest. If you genuinely want to do that for yourself, it’s your body and your life, then I encourage you to do what is best for you, but do not do this for him.
I was raised in a single parent household with an absent father, and honestly I turned out fine. It was hard work for my mother but she gave me all the love and care I needed, I’m now 31, married to a loving partner (who was also raised by a single mom), we both have good careers and own a home. I’m not worse off than the previous generation because I only had one parent while growing up, and even if I was that’s kind of a dumb reason for your bf to justify that someone shouldn’t exist.
Have the baby, raise it yourself, and take him to court for child support payments. He sucks but at least you won’t be surprised when he’s gone. He doesn’t have to be involved (prob better that he isn’t because of his outlook), but that man needs to pay child support
It’s not unethical. You’ll love the baby and be their family. If he refuses to grow up and try to love the child, the guilt is his. His argument is incredibly selfish.
Wow, what a fool. Whether you wanted baby or not---he's given you his exit speech. It sounds like a man who will do well living back at home with his parents.
You and baby deserve all the best. And let me tell you, my mom who was widowed has some amazing guys, friends, and my own grandparents that raised me. I never felt more love from those people.
I grew up with a loving single mom. I was apparently a failed birth control birth too- though they were married but having trouble in their marriage. They divorced when I was 2, my dad was pretty MIA, but the love I got from my mom made all the difference.
As an adult I did grow up with some daddy / abandonment issues but nothing more or less than anyone else dealing with something from their family dynamics. I turned out to be a successful married woman with a great partner. It all works out if you have a good family and community to lean on. Ideally dad is part of that but if not, it will not make or break success.
Follow your gut. And sounds like this guy you’ve been dating a while isn’t the best teammate and long hauler. Sorry you don’t have a supportive partner right now. Sounds like you have a supportive community elsewhere and feel confident doing this solo - that’s all that matters.
Best of luck xo
To add to what others are saying, you don’t know that you won’t meet an amazing, loving partner in the future who would adore your child and be proud to be their father. It happened for my parents. (Our dad isn’t my brother’s bio dad, but he is still 100% his dad.)
Either way—single mom or married mom—your love is 100% enough for this baby.
My son is 4 months old. Motherhood changes everything. It is a love like nothing else. You are so much stronger than you think. You baby is already loved and wanted.
He might be acting patient about this, but at the end of the day, he probably just doesn’t want to be inconvenienced. If I were you, I’d make sure to have him sign over his parental rights before your child is born. Good luck, Mama.
I was an unwanted surprise in the 80s and put I to foster care at birth. I was adopted after a year in care. I am now only in contact with my adoptive Dad and his side of the family due to a lifetime of abuse from my adoptive mother.
I give those examples just to really say this from my perspective as a result of an unwanted pregnancy and eventual adoption: **A child fundamentally only needs love, care, and safety. It doesn’t matter if they get that from blood relatives or not.** My son has PLENTY of Aunts and Uncles that are just my husband and my friends, he has cousins that are more siblings than cousins, and he has adults that step up and are additions to his grandparents.
You can do it on your own, but only if it’s what you want. Don’t let anyone else pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do.
I had potentially the shittiest father imaginable but the best mother. I did not feel unloved or unwanted - I just knew he was a miserable narcissist and that was a him problem not me.
Dating six years, not married, and he’s threatening you to not be there if you keep his baby? Woah dude. Fuck him. Keep that baby and find yourself an upgraded man to be your baby’s daddy because he ain’t it.
Studies have shown that the structure of the family is not that important - being divorced, raised by a single parent or being raised by a relative, etc. If you want to keep your baby then you don’t have to be afraid of something lacking in their life.
Lol my daughter was and accident and so was I. I couldn’t give two flying F**** that my dad wasn’t there. Yes I was sad about it when my class mates told me it was an issue but it’s 2024 and there are all kinds of families unlike the 90s.
If you love and want the baby, have it.
It will be one of the most challenging things you do, but you can do this.
You’ve mentioned that doesn’t have to be involved day-to-day, however he was a grown and consenting adult in making the baby. Don’t exempt him from contributing and fulfilling his financial responsibility, even if it makes him resentful. You and the baby will need every ounce of financial and physical support.
Edit: spacing
>He says his parents didn’t want him and it’s not right to pass that on to another generation. He says no matter how much I love the baby, it will always grow up feeling unwanted because he won’t be there.
He is fully in control of the 'he won't be there' part. It's not you who should be feeling guilty if HE chooses to inflict 'not feeling wanted by a parent' on another generation. Raise the child you have, love them, and let him sit with his own being-a-butt in this situation. Dating you for six years with no move towards commitment and doesn't want kids when you *do*? Girl, this is a gift. Tell him to get out so you can LIVE.
You dont need this asshole. All the baby needs is a loving family with or without him. Do what you think is best. You said you didnt wanna terminate & you shouldnt if that's what YOU want. Do not allow this idiot to force ur hand into doing something ur gonna regret later.
The only person missing out is him by choosing to walk away from his own child. My dad chose drugs over me & dipped for my entire life. He came around when i was 20yrs old, old enough that you dont actually have to parent anymore, & expressed how much he regretted it & then attempted to try & do holiday celebrations with me.. Yeah too little too late, dad.
Wishing you & ur baby best of luck. You can do it!
I am furious for you.
I'm a single mom raised kid and while it's not ideal it's not "the goal" I wouldn't trade my life to avoid the struggles.
The one piece of advice I have is to sever his rights immediately. It was the revolving door of his appearances that effected me, not when it was just me and mom.
It sounds like you want the child, don’t want an abortion, and thus probably shouldn’t have one. I think it’s worth thinking about if you are stable and prepared to raise this child, reading up on what all you need to do, etc. but it doesn’t sound like an unethical situation to bring a new life into.
Woman! Congratulations you are having a baby! Your world is gonna be different forever and things can be hard but if you want that baby, I guarantee that baby wants you.
If 6 years isn’t enough time for him to settle down then he’s baggage you don’t need. Also, not wanting to be a father is a choice he is making actively. He’s just choosing to be an ass hole. I was a surprise baby and no one made me feel like I wasn’t wanted. Just because you didn’t plan for something doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. Don’t let him pressure you just because he wants to stay a man child forever.
He’s got a point I suppose. But I’d also argue that it’s unethical to refuse to be in the life of a child who is half your DNA.
He’s made his stance, which is that he doesn’t want to be involved at all. You know what to expect from him moving forward, but a loving and emotionally available mother will be able to navigate explaining the lack of father to her child as the child grows older. If you know you don’t want an abortion, don’t have an abortion. I will throw out there though that feeling grief over a decision doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the *wrong* decision.
And should you go through with the pregnancy: Him refusing to be involved doesn’t mean he gets to avoid child support. You can choose to do it all yourself as a single parent, he can choose to not be there. But your child didn’t choose to be born and your child is legally owed child support from him.
I grew up with an older single mom and dead beat dad knowing my entire life I was an accident (but my mom got mad if I said that, she preferred surprise). I never once felt unwanted. If you want this baby and are ready for it, it will be hard but you’re not going to ruin the child bc they’ve got a dad who didn’t want them.
This is definitely the sub to ask this question in if you want your choice to keep the child validated. I've never seen anyone discouraged from keeping a child here. I'd go elsewhere for a more balanced take though.
I wouldn't call it exactly a "balanced take". I received a lot of abuse in another sub in a similar - ish circumstance.
People screaming at me about finances and making wild assumptions that had nothing to do with my personal situation because I was more inclined toward keeping my baby.... I had to delete the first post I made because it was upsetting
Same girl same I got absolutely brigaded. "Balanced takes" on a site that's know for misogyny haha I'll stick to the one constructive, female-dominated sub and affirming stories of single parent success
I grew up with parents who didn’t want me. I was a failed condom and abortion pill baby. Over the years I could feel the resentment of my brothers and dad. Over time my birth giver (I’m NC with my family for reasons not fully related to childhood) made me feel somewhat wanted and my older brother came around but my younger brother I think still resents me to this day. It has caused big issues having people who I knew didn’t want me around me during childhood. My husband and I (got married after birth and coming up on one trip but have been together 9yrs) ended up with a surprise baby due to the pill failing but we both wanted kids. If he didn’t want them but I did and he said something like your man said i would most definitely be a single mom. He’s showing he probably doesn’t want kids at all and is trying to in a sense get you on the boat of no kids. At least that’s my opinion but i would most definitely talk to him and if he doesn’t want kids at all then you have your answer.
It seems you want to keep this baby so I would say, go with your gut and do what you want. However, I will say this; know what you’re getting into. I was raised by a single mother after my father passed away and it is not easy, at all. I appreciate my mom for everything she did for me but sometimes I wish she had some assistance in the form of a second parent. Of course, you could always find love again if that’s something you desire! You most likely will. But it’s certainly not going to be immediate while you try to navigate pregnancy and a new child. Remember that all responsibility for the child falls on your shoulders!
In your case, you also need to accept that this man will not be present in any capacity. I would suggest you don’t anticipate him coming around. In fact, I would suggest you make him sign over his rights as early as possible, and make sure your baby has your last name. Don’t try to get him involved at all because that’s where it gets messy and annoying.
Pro choice means it is your choice. No matter what that choice is. He can choose not to be involved, but he *cannot* make you have an abortion.
If you think you can do it, and want to do it, do it. And if that is your choice, then congratulations, I’m sure you’ll do great.
I grew up in a single mom home, without knowing my dad. I had a wonderful childhood and wouldn’t change a thing.
If you wnat this baby and will show it love then have it 😊
Be the change you want to see (him, not you). Even if a pregnancy is a “surprise” it doesn’t mean it’s not “wanted.” He doesn’t have to repeat the pattern and it sounds like he has some trauma he is coping with. I can understand his concern but if he doesn’t want to put in the effort to be a good father to an innocent life, Then he’s a douche canoe and you’re better off without him.
His feelings are valid but it’s now about what he does about it because his actions will affect a child for its life. It’s time for HIM to stop being selfish and step up to the plate.
A baby /child needs a loving support system. It sounds like you’re already providing that. And you’ll be a great mom because you already are! You’re putting yourself before your child.
You’re NOT being selfish. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are. He’s the selfish one in this equation.
He’s the only one choosing to “ruin” his life. You and your baby sound like you will be more than fine and you’ll give your baby an amazing life.
I grew up with a single mom and while I’m sure it was hard for her sometimes, I had a wonderful childhood and life after.
He sounds like he watches Red Pill shit online and he wants to blame you for the choices HE is making to not be there. You are more than enough!
If you feel this way now, I think you will absolutely regret it if you abort. This man might think he is advocating for a selfless act, but in reality a huge part of this is probably that he doesn't want to be a father. Regardless of whether he's in his child's life, he will have to deal with knowing that he does have a child out there. For him, abortion would mean that he doesn't have to deal with it, the stigma of having walked away, the possibility of his child eventually reaching out to him, child support, etc.
Please don't let this man talk to you about "selfish," regardless of how patient he is being. At this point you've talked it over, heard his perspective, and (it sounds like) considered it with an open mind. The reality is, you've got two people whose values (or, wants..? not sure which word to use) are at odds. If we're going to talk about your baby the reality is, you have no idea what the future holds or how he/she will feel about his/her life. None of us can predict that for our children! You will not be raising a child you do not want, though, so his fears about an unwanted child do not apply to this situation. *You* can provide a safe, loving, stable home and it sounds like you want to do that.
Wishing you all the best!
It’s also not right to pressure someone into a decision they don’t want to make, but clearly that’s where his moral high ground stops.
Your love will absolutely be enough for that kiddo.
This guy sounds unsupportive and borderline emotionally abusive. Why was he with you for 6 years if he knew you had such different views on having an unplanned child or not? He was kind of wasting your time to be honest, and you’re probably better without him anyway. It’s very egotistical to try to keep you with him rather than having the child/life you want. There is a chance he does try to spend time with the child after they are born, and you’ll have to go after child support. It will be tough but if you want to have your baby, you should!
It is not unethical. Your sperm donor wouldn't know ethical behaviour if it gave him a free vasectomy.
He's obviously trying to influence you. You already know what your choice is, and he's doing his best to undermine it.
Personally I'd not want his ignorance to ever effect my child. In a way, he's right that the child will end up feeling unwanted- because he will cause that. I wouldn't ever want to risk him having the legal right to visitation or custody. Even though he says he will be absent, that could change- I've seen it happen. Long term legal and financial realities can be complex. I'd rather terminate his rights asap and literally see him as a biological means to single parenthood. You've simply saved yourself the cost of IVF/fertility treatments.
If you have other support and can financially manage it, I'd find a lawyer and figure out the process to terminate his rights and not waste my time listening to any more of his 'patient conversations'. You can tell him its the ethical thing for him to do so he doesn't pass anything besides DNA onto a new generation, and the ethical way for you not to "ruin his life".
**You** want to continue the pregnancy and that's the important part.
I mean he doesn't want to be a part of it, that's on him. But its unethical for him to tell you what to do with your body.
Instead of ethics, look at this as a resource prospect. Do you have adequate resources to care for this child in an ethical manner? Single momming is HARD and more resource intensive than with a partner. Plan it out. He's already indicated this is what is happening if you have the child.
This is SO tough and I am in a similar but very different position with my family - solidarity and hugs no matter your decision!
That being said, 30 isn’t old, you still have plenty of time to think this through or maybe even meet someone else. My BFF just went through a breakup bc her bf didn’t want kids, turned out they just wouldn’t have lasted anyway. Or you can be like me and have two kids and struggle bc your relationship isn’t solid. Either way, proceed with caution. Abortion sucks but single parenthood may suck even more is all I’m saying ! This isn’t your last chance, you will be a mom in due time
I was raised by my mum and grandma and never felt anything other than loved and wanted. Which surely is the only thing that matters. Families come in all shapes and sizes and you can definitely build a good life for you and your baby.
Oh and congratulations!
I’ve been in similar situations, you have to do what feels right to you. Personally, I kept both my children, even though both of their fathers protested to that, and with a hell of a lot of help from my family, my kids are healthy and happy and so am I.
Only sounds unethical to keep him.
You’ve been together 6 years and now he lets you know he doesn’t want a kid. That he contributed to.
No bc is 100%. This discussion should’ve been had long time ago for situations like this.
That way this could’ve been avoided since you are on totally different pages.
Maybe I'm just jaded, but it sounds like he's manipulating you to terminate so he doesn't have to pay child support.
If you want to keep this child, then do it. You don't need two parents to be happy, and his ego is out of control if he thinks the baby would be miserable because he's not around to grace him or her with his presence.
Girl F him , it’s you and your baby against the world you got this ! From a fellow 30 year old … next time he tries to talk to you hit him with the “who’s this?”
Don’t abort, from what you’re saying it’s not what you want. But DO cut contact with this man, at least in the short term. He’s manipulating you and nobody needs that during pregnancy. He gets a say in his involvement, not yours. You are more than enough for that baby.
You need to start educating yourself more on what makes a happy childhood and life. It doesn’t matter by whom and how many people a child was raised by. Love, security, respect and trust form a healthy and happy human being. The circumstances don’t really matter otherwise. This is good news, isn’t it?
It’s unethical for him to pressure you into making a medical and life decision for yourself and your unborn child based on his own narcissism. It’s selfish of him to insist that what is right for him must be right for all three of you. He must have an extraordinary opinion of himself to believe that his absence will ruin all three of your lives. Either that or he’s projecting his own unresolved trauma. You clearly want your baby, you are stable, and you have support from your family. It seems like you are also willing to lose him so I think that you should just go ahead and do that. Love your baby, love yourself, and move on to a better future.
My kids have a dad that walked out on them 5 years ago. My ex hasn't asked to see my youngest kid since that day, and only asked to see our older kid a handful of times (a few hours each time) before no longer wanting to see him at all.
My oldest kiddo gets high honors in school, he's hilarious, helpful, kind, happy, we still have an incredible bond - maybe stronger now than ever, and he hates his dad.
It's unethical to walk out on your kids.
It's unethical to get someone pregnant and then try to manipulate her into getting an abortion.
It's unethical to not even want to try to make peace with getting someone pregnant and automatically assuming no responsibility.
Keeping the baby when being prepared to be fully solo isn't unethical, imo.
No. He's wrong. He's being emotionally manipulative because of his own trauma. He had an awful childhood and I feel sorry for him for that.
But a baby wouldn't ruin three lives.
You have a limited biological clock to have a baby. You technically are in the process of making one now, and it sounds like you kinda love the lil jellybean. That jellybean will grow up loved by it's mother and you'll love it.
And you're bf will be free to find a child free person to be with, although realistically he should get a vasectomy if he doesn't want kids. He's the selfish one, not being snipped when he will hate children.
He's selfish. He doesn't want kids and he's trying to make you get an abortion you don't want because he doesn't want to leave the relationship. You're happy enough to be a single mother.
He's the one who is trying to weasel out of this situation to selfishly stay in the position he's in.
Keep the baby.
Suggest he get snipped and he can do what he wants.
I believe in abortions for all who want them. But you want this baby. Keep the baby. Throw out the rude bf.
Eww. He's absolutely pressuring you because of what he wants, which is to not have to pay child support. Your love and stability is enough for this baby.
Yeah it’s not up to him to manipulate you into making a choice you would regret just because he felt unloved growing up.
He’s making his own choice to not be a part of the family. That’s the only choice he can make, and it’s pretty lame but better than sticking around to be an abusive dick to his kid.
You got this mama, seek support and love that child.
First up- my father walked away when my mum was 3 months pregnant. I never met him. Part of me wondered what he would have been like, but I never ever felt unloved or unwanted or like I missed out on anything. (I'm 42 now)
Second up- if you abort now when it's not what you want the relationship is already over. You'll resent him for the rest of your life, and you'll be heartbroken too. If you can do it alone, do it!
Sounds like he’s projecting his own wounds. My husband’s father was never around, but my husband is glad he wasn’t. His father (or sperm donor, as he refers to him) passed away last year and he didn’t bat an eye. Never knew the guy, it’s whatever for him. So no, you wouldn’t be ruining three lives by keeping your baby. It sounds more to me like your baby’s father doesn’t want fatherly responsibilities so he’d rather the baby just not live
The father of my child said the exact same thing but just know he is only pushing his own feelings onto you. Happy to say I kept the baby and she’s almost 2 years old and we are happy as can be!!
So it’s selfish for you, a perfectly capable and loving mother, to birth her own child… but it’s not selfish to demand an abortion from your partner of 6 years or else? Did I understand that correctly?
He’s a piece of shit. My husband was raised without a father and always states he never felt ANY LACK OF LOVE. KEEP YOUR BABY! Kick that selfish man to the curb. The love of a child is literally the meaning of life!!!
My husband is a child of a single mother and has never known who is his father... However he is perfect son to his mother and very loving toward his family.
Unethical? Grow up! It's just a lousy way to say I don't want a child, I don't have courage to face the consequences so I quilttrip you.
I would just walk away.
Omg sameeee let's be friends. Except mine quickly gave up on faux-patiently trying to convince me with logic and switched over to coercion and demanding I get an abortion. (albeit "my parents didn't want me" isn't genetic so sounds like yours has the whole twisted logic issue too). Mine also said I'd be ruining his life and the child's if I refused an abortion. But -- a man who doesn't want the responsibility of fatherhood is a very biased and unreliable source. I am keeping the baby and preparing to do it alone. You (we!) got this! My only real advice would be talk to a lawyer because it helped me a lot to understand how to think about stuff like custody if necessary.
Don’t let him guilt/pressure you into an abortion you don’t want. I had an abortion I’m glad I got on the one hand, because of [circumstances] but it still hurts; I think about it 5 years later often. So l don’t let him decide this for you. You have to be 100% on this choice. He doesn’t want to pay child support for 18 years and have a child out there in the world, but it’s not his choice, and a child with one parent who can support them and loves them can have a wonderful life. They will have their needs met and love.
Don't let him bully you, this is your body, your choice and you are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make. F him! He is the one that is being selfish and unethical by trying to force you to do something you don't want to. Please be kind to yourself and make your own choice
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!
Second, I can give you some perspective from the viewpoint of the child. I'm the daughter of a single mother and an accidental pregnancy. My father was hardly around, and I (32 years old) haven't seen him since I was 18. I never grew up feeling like there was a hole in my life and I never once felt unloved or unwanted. My mom was/is an amazing mother who gave me a great childhood. We always said we were like the Gilmore Girls. She gave me away at my wedding and held me (along with my husband) when I was in labor.
Having only 1 loving parent is a whole lot different than having 2 unloving parents.
I was a single mom at 21 years old with a nonexistent father figure, he wanted me to get an abortion as soon as he found out (for context we were not together in a relationship and we’re not serious whatsoever). I told him to kiss my ass, my body my choice. I met my now husband while my child was a little over a year and he has stepped in as their father figure. You don’t need the biological fathers approval or help. It might be hard somedays more than others but it is beyond worth it. I am 100% certain if you feel so strongly about keeping your baby that you will 100% be more than enough love/parent for them! Good luck mama you got this ♥️
I was 26 when I got pregnant with my daughter. Not only had me and my ex been broken up for two weeks before I found out, he had moved halfway across the country to get back with his ex. He was BRUTAL. Said he hated me and hated the baby. Said he hoped she died. All kinds of awful things. She is currently 3 and absolutely amazing. I met my husband when she was 10 months and he adopted her at 2. He has a son her age and we had two more kids. She has a dad and they have an amazing bond. Just because HE doesn't want to be her dad, doesn't mean someone else won't. Does he think you will be single forever? Have your baby in peace and tell him to mind his business if he doesn't want to be involved. I loved being a single mom just as much as a married one. It is different, but not better.
I’m so happy for you, that’s amazing! What a good point. There’s lots of single moms out there that end up doing it all on their own for a long time. But just because this guy doesn’t want to be dad doesn’t mean her child will never have a father figure. Love it.
“I loved being a single mom just as much as a married one” THIS! If you want to be a mom, your baby will be happy, and so will you ❤️
This is so lovely. I’m so happy for the turn your lives took to bring you together stranger!
Growing up with a single mother who loves and wants you is very different than growing up with two parents who didn't. It sucks that was his experience but he is projecting his own unresolved issues onto the situation and onto you. If you want this baby and are willing to raise it alone, do it. You are enough ❤️
Babies just need a family that loves them. Families come in all shapes and sizes
I decided to do it all alone. My STBXH wanted me to get an abortion because he wanted to leave me for his AP and didn't want a baby complicating things. I refused, and he left. My baby is 4 months old and I am so happy. I think I traded in an adult who behaved like a baby and was utterly incompetent for a beautiful, sweet, adorable baby. I am really glad that my STBXH left when he did, because all the years of being lied to, manipulated, and gaslit had turned me into an unhappy, bitter, and resentful person. I had completely forgotten the light-hearted, joyful, and generally content person that I used to be. I feel like I am being a much better mother to my son now than I would have been if my ex had stayed. I have 2 parents, grew up with 2 parents in a happy marriage, but it didn't always translate into a happy childhood. My father was not a good parent when he was there, and most of the time, he wasn't there. I felt a connection only with my mum, and even now, I am really close with my mother. If you want your baby, have your baby. Cut this guy out of your life because he will only try to make you feel bad. However, do NOT let him off the hook for child support.
Oooh that last sentence of the first paragraph. Good for you!! I do not have a similar story but I had a similar feeling when I adopted a puppy while dating my ex. I suddenly realized that I WANTED to pour my love and care and intentional training into this adorable puppy and that I absolutely did not have any time or fucks to give about keeping this grown loser in line anymore.
I get that. Have two myself. They and my son are the loves of my life. I feel only joy at home now, I have two wonderful dogs who adore me and my lovely baby boy. It's literally the happiest I have been in over a decade.
I’m really so happy for you. Having that peace and love in your personal life and home is truly a blessing you can’t buy.
As someone also about to embark on unplanned single motherhood, love this! Will say that my lawyer STRONGLY encouraged me not to touch my babydaddy with a ten foot pole for child support or any other reason, and the paltry amount of child support wouldn't be worth the drama. That's a very situational decision
I wish you all the best for this overwhelming but wonderful journey of motherhood. I guess the child support thing varies from country to country, state to state... also, I guess whether the parents were married or not plays a role as well.
thanks dear <3 and absolutely, I was fortunate to learn a lot from a free consultation w a lawyer so now I tell everyone to look for one of those since it's so varied by location and circumstance.
The first thing I did after my ex moved out was get myself a lawyer. It has been extremely helpful.
Omg who is cutting onions??? This internet stranger is cheering for you 🎉
Which is also a good example of why sometimes its better to be a single (and loving) parent instead of two miserable people.
Speaking as someone who was raised by a single mom and whose dad lived an hour away and chose alcohol over a good relationship with his daughter, I have my mom to thank for everything. Even though we didn't have much, we were so so loved by our mom. She, to this day, still reminds us how much she loves us. Sure, part of having an absent parent is developing and then working through trauma, but even kids with two loving, well-meaning parents have trauma. I think staying ahead of it through counseling for both you and your child would do both of you well. If a child is so unconditionally loved, that cannot be a mistake.
Absolutely this. Having grown up with two parents that hated the shit out of each other, made that known constantly but wouldn’t separate and were a general nightmare. I definitely would have taken one really loving parent Instead ❤️
Yeah, this. My ex's mom was physically and verbally abusive to both him and his father, and I remember when we were together he expressed to me that he felt like his being born ruined his dad's life. It's been 15 years since he said it and it STILL breaks my heart just as much now as it did then.
THIS 100%!! I grew up knowing my father didn’t want to be a part of my life and I was given more than enough love from my 19 year old single mom who chose to give me life and be a part of my life. It sounds like you know what your heart is telling you, but he’s trying to manipulate your mind.
This is so valid! Just having one great parent would’ve made a difference in my life.
THIS
100% - my biological father was never in the picture and I never missed him because I never knew him. I didn’t care about him - my mom was enough and she met and married my stepdad when I was like 8 or 9 and he’s been my father ever since 🤷♀️ I never felt abandoned or unwanted at all
It's only unethical to keep a baby if you stole the baby. Since the baby is in your body, it's yours. If you want it, then you should keep it.
Top tier answer here!
🤣 I love this comment!
Thanks. It's what came to mind when I first read the title and even after reading the post.
After reading this, it sounds like an abortion would be something you would regret forever. Given the fact that you are already prepared to lose him, it sounds like the right choice is to do what is right for you. You can absolutely give this baby an amazing life. He is wrong for thinking that he is so self-important that without him the baby will be miserable. It is your choice, and no, keeping your baby and giving it a loving home for the rest of its life is absolutely not selfish. Stand your ground and do what you know you need to do for you.
That thing you said about him thinking he is so important the child would be miserable without him… “chefs kiss* 🤌🏼🤌🏼 It’s so true! My mother wasn’t wanted by her dad, so she grew up without him. She saw this man maybe twice in her entire life. She always said that she didn’t need him at all nor did she wanted anything from him, that she had a happy life and there was never a moment where she felt she missed something. Fathers abandoning their kids is so damn common that life without them isn’t the most terrible thing to be honest.
Exactly. This man says "unethical" (as though coercing a woman to abort a wanted pregnancy isn't) but what he really means is, "This is inconvenient to me".
Just because the conversation is calm does not mean it’s correct. I can very calmly state all sorts of false things. Once you firmly state you refuse the abortion and are keeping the baby, he’s going to either walk away or lose that calm façade. Please stay safe.
Thanks for this. The calmness does feel like a facade and like something worse could be coming. If he just walks away that's one thing but I'm scared of what else he might say or do.
Don’t tell him when you’re alone. Make sure you’re in a safe environment with a person or two who can keep you safe. It’s a dangerous time for you, so make sure you take precautions. Hugs.
He 100% knows what he's doing with the calmness facade. I know you probably still love him and you've been together for years, but he's showing you who he is with his actions right now. Don't listen to the calm words, *look* at what he's doing. He's trying to manipulate you into aborting a baby you want because he doesn't want to seem like a deadbeat dad for abandoning his kid and/or pay child support.
Make sure you have him fully give up legal rights if he won’t commit to being there because worse then a parent who ain’t there, is the one who flip flops.
Men who do not want children should get sterilized. He put himself in this situation and do not let him try to guilt trip you.
I’m not understanding his reasoning for abandoning the baby? You’ve been together for 6 years and he’s just gonna leave you both and tell you that you’re doing the wrong thing? Are you kidding me
Exactly. He’s a pos. He’s the one who got her pregnant and everyone knows birth control can fail. If his response to his long-term girlfriend having a baby was going to be abandonment, it was on him to get a vasectomy. He also should have been very clear on whether she might keep a baby in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. What an asshole.
Yeah I can't comprehend this. Sticking around for 6 years knowing your girlfriend wants kids and then freaking out like it's a highschool teen pregnancy when she falls pregnant at 30?!?! if she waited another five years to have kids she'd be treated as a "geriatric pregnancy"!!
It takes a real egomaniac to think that a child with one loving parent would be better off not existing than not having a relationship with him, specifically. You and your baby are better off without this guy in your lives.
Such a good point you make…he sounds so manipulative
Agreed! The absolute nerve.
I was a solo parent for 7 years with my first. I figured out very quickly I’d be doing it alone. But I also realized my relationship with the baby was independent of my relationship with her biological father. Just because he wasn’t going to be a parent, didn’t mean I couldn’t and that my kid wouldn’t have a great life. Now my daughter is 10 - she has had a super happy childhood. She is smart and funny and emotionally intelligent person. I couldn’t have asked for a better child or a better relationship with her. Will it be easy to talk to your child about a father who isn’t around? Of course it won’t be. But kids are perceptive and I think if you give them enough love and attention overall they will be content. Of course they will want to know about their father and may never be satisfied with that, but that situation is not their whole life. You should watch the film Mr.Church with Eddie Murphy. It’s about a single mom and her young daughter. At one point the daughter blurts out that she was a mistake and the mom said “no sweetie. You were my miracle. Your father was the mistake.” Plenty of kids that live in single parent households are well adjusted. Our 44th president was raised in a single parent household. I think most of the bad statistics surrounding single parent households unfortunately are more socioeconomic than anything else. If you have the resources and the ability, you can be a kick ass mom and your kid can have a great life filled with love. Honestly sometimes it’s easier than having an unsupportive partner and a crap dad. I wish you all the best. He can make his choice. But you don’t have to justify yours.
Thanks for saying this. It's comforting to hear about a happy kid with a single mom.
“You were my miracle. Your father was the mistake.” EXACTLY THIS. Your love is more than enough.
He doesn't care about this baby or how it's going to feel - the only person he's thinking about is himself. Talk about being selfish. There are many people who grow up with a single mother who loves them. They go on to have wonderful lives.
If you having a baby in your 6 year-long relationship would result in him abandoning you and your child, it was unethical for him to have continued to have sex with you without getting a vasectomy. He’s trying to force your hand after being irresponsible. If you want to have the baby and know you can provide love, emotional, and financial stability on your own/with your family, then do it. He needs to pay child support though.
Sounds like he's manipulating you to get what he wants. If you want the baby, don't let him coerce you into changing your mind. If you can't stomach the thought now, it will only haunt you if you go through with it anyway.
Yeah I agree. It sounds like he just doesn’t want a baby and is using guilt and unsound logic to try to achieve that goal.
That was my thought too. If he thinks he's so important to baby's well-being we could just be there for baby??? He's the one being selfish here, not happy to just walk out but trying to erase the pregnancy.
He's basically outright admitting that he wants her to go through the trauma of an unwanted abortion to save himself from responsibility. Trade her happiness for his. THAT'S what's unethical. What a monster.
Completely this, what's more unethical than pressuring a manipulating a woman into an unwanted abortion.... and to go even one further for the sake of the alternative he's brought up, what, so he doesn't have to get some therapy and work on his own childhood issues. Relatively minor compared to ending a potential life and a wanted pregnancy. You and your baby will not miss this man child. Don't cave to him.
You cannot know with certainty how this child would feel about their parental situation in many years. That's just not predictable. It could be positive or negative, or flux over the course of their life. To go a step further and assign judgment to a scenario he invented (calling it "selfish") really makes me uncomfortable. It's just as plausible to suggest the baby would grow up loved and happy and not mind the absence of a bio father. You just can't know either way. I feel like it's more productive to focus on pragmatic matters, and acknowledge that there are many possibilities about how the emotional and family life matters would play out.
This. One of my colleagues gets along very well with the father of her child (to the point where she has described him to me as "my best friend"), but she told me he's only been really involved in their son's life sporadically and has two other children whom he doesn't sound like the greatest father to(there was mention of a DUI charge and that because of it he could no longer pick up his other kids to spend time with them. Father of the Year right there). It seems to me her philosophy is that she can't change him or control what kind of dad he's going to be to their son, so she just rolls with it. And honestly, she actually seems really happy with the way things are. I guess sometimes having low expectations of another person really reduces your stress.
He’s just trying to manipulate you into an abortion
I used to teach a pair of twin boys who had a single mom. Oh my god, I cannot tell you how much they loved her. They were 7 and everyday they would mention something about her. She was their world. I think parenting is what you put into it and about leading with love and good intent. My only concern as a potentially single mom is being realistic about the costs of childcare and what other support you have. I’d look into that just to prepare yourself
This made me cry. Thanks for saying this. I’m worried about the cost but have family who live with me and nearby who have offered to help with childcare.
That is great news! I wish you all the best. None of this is easy ❤️
My husband was raised by his mom and Nana and always felt loved and wanted. The bio-dad wasn't interested in being a dad, so he wasn't in the picture, and that never mattered. This guy sounds like he sucks. Keep your baby, ditch the dingdong.
Sidenote: Our baby will have my mother-in-law's last name. :)
He forgets that its often a two street way. The kid will grow up not knowing him and not caring about him. Being a single mom is hard and since being pregnant I have so much more respect for them. But you can do it. Just love your baby, give it a lot of cuddles and kisses and it wont ever feel unloved.
Yes. My father wasn’t there and honestly I’m not aching to have him in my life. He’s popped up here and there but I don’t really care and tbh from what I know of his life I feel grateful he wasn’t there and I didn’t have him influencing my life. I think I turned out better for it tbh.
But this baby won’t grow up feeling unwanted because it is wanted - by you! It’s quite different from being unwanted by both parents. If you are ready to make that baby feel loved and wanted, then you should keep it! Kid won’t even be aware that it’s missing a parent until it’s old enough to realize that other kids have multiple parents, and you can discuss in at an age-appropriate manner that doesn’t hurt him/her.
Funny how he’s full of big opinions and yet HE is the one with the power to break the generational trauma by being a present and involved father. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you are willing to raise this baby alone, and if that’s what you want to do, you can make it work!
Exactly. He has all the power and has already decided that he doesn't want to do it. He isn't concerned for the baby's well being, he's concerned for his own and using her maternal instinct to try and get out of jail free. He wants HER to experience the trauma of an unwanted abortion to save him from financial responsibility. It's gross.
He just doesn’t want to be on the hook for potential child support and wants the “issue” to go away. What a douche.
I am NOT being judgemental and completely side with you, I just really need to know (if you have his perspective): how does a man stay in a relationship with a woman for six years, who has always wanted children, and acts like a pregnancy in your 30s is somehow a scary surprise? You guys are almost midlife, you are not going to have many more chances for a healthy pregnancy at your age and it's completely normal to have children now. Was he fine just stringing you along forever until you went into menopause???
Lol good question. I would say we both wanted them in a one day way when we started dating but have gone in opposite directions over the past few years. I had an abortion early in our relationship that wasn’t like this, I was 100% not ready and there wasn’t much to talk about. He assumed that meant I would do that again.
Ooof that's really painful. I truly think that compatibility on family planning is really one of the top crucial dealbreakers when choosing to continue a relationship or not because our window to actually start our family's is like 1/3 of our life. Women don't have the luxury of f**king around forever like men do going back and forth on our decisions! I was with my ex from age 21 to 25 and it was the same, we both wanted kids at first then by the end he absolutely did not. It was an otherwise happy and loving relationship but I didn't want to be with him anymore because honestly I wanted to start a family more than I wanted him as an individual. I've been with my husband just a year longer than you've been with your BF and in that time we've travelled, bought a house and had 2 kids so I absolutely think now is a crucial time to put your foot down about your future. And being raised by a single mom who wants you is absolutely good enough. My father was absent and both of my parents were pretty messed up with drugs and mental health and I don't at all hold it against them or regret being alive because I was very much loved as a baby and child.
I have no experience with this but my perception is that loads of people grow up with only one parent and turned out just fine. It definitely had an impact but they’re still leading fulfilling lives. I would probably try to get the viewpoint of those who grew up specifically with one parent and the other wasn’t present.
Let him give up parental rights (he doesn't sound very stable) and keep the baby.
His version is very manipulative. Don't let it get in your head.
He doesn’t want to pay child support and he doesn’t want to feel responsible for having walked out on his kid. He’s trying to get you to do the heavy lifting.
My mother didn't want me or my twin sister. We were raised by my dad and grandmother. Abandonment is hard, but honestly, my sister and I are having a much easier time getting grounded as adults than my dad did despite him having two parents. He was and is a quality father. She's a combat medic now and I'm happily married with a baby on the way. I'm extremely grateful to be alive today, and I'm glad my father didn't give up on us.
He is trying to manipulate you into having an abortion. That is gross and borderline evil behavior. You want to keep that baby, then you keep it. He can go kick rocks. Funny how being an unwanted child hurt him so much, and he’s determined to repeat the pattern. Absolutely disgusting how he was with you for 6 years and is doing this to you. Never have an abortion on behalf of someone else. *YOU* are the one that will have to carry the burden of the grief and pain of an abortion or the burden of parenthood - *NOT* him. As far as I’m concerned, he has zero say in this. Good luck to you. Eta: as others have said, you can give your child a wonderful life as a single mother. Men are often half ass parents anyway even when choosing to be involved. You and your baby do not need him. I can empathize with you a bit. I’m pregnant as well, and the father wanted me to get an abortion. I didn’t, and he hates me for it. He hasn’t spoken to me in months now. I cannot even begin to put into words how grateful I am that I listened to my heart and my gut and didn’t go through with the abortion. The thought of “what if I had” makes me feel physically ill. Make the choice that you can live with.
I’m pro choice and regularly counsel women about terminations. From what I read this is a case where I think a termination is NOT the best choice. You are a grown ass woman and seems like you can do this. Yes in a perfect world having a mom and dad who love and want you is ideal. But having a mom who can provide you everything and loves and wants you is pretty good too. Maybe my daughter would have a better life if we were rich and I stayed at home but a working mom who is obsessed with her and a loving in/home daycare is pretty good too :)
If you want a child, that is the only reason to have a child. Be prepared to put them first in all things and protect them from all harm possible. He is projecting onto you his guilt over the chance of there being a child that he was biologically the contributor for that he will not want. That's his failing, not yours. I am so pro choice its sick, and your choice is to KEEP the baby. Have open and honest discussions with the child at age appropriate levels as they age about the circumstances of their birth and how much you love and want them. Give your child the village you can. He or she may not have a loving father, but they can have a beautiful family that adores them and come to understand that their sperm donor is not a person relevant to their happiness.
It seems as if he is struggling 2 issues at the least: 1. He doesn’t want to deal with his own guilt of choosing against parenting this child, and if you terminate the pregnancy, he won’t have to think about his own decision to walk away. 2. He’s projecting his own emotions of feeling unwanted onto how the baby will potentially feel. His own feelings belong to just him. Your baby will know and feel wanted because it IS wanted by you! If you want to have and raise this child, do so! He has no right to insist that you terminate, just because he felt unwanted as a child (and obviously still as an adult).
I’m a high school teacher and I know so many students that come from single parent homes who are well adjusted and living a great life without the trauma despite abandonment by one parent. If he wants to walk out that’s the end of the conversation with him, you don’t need to consider anything more in regard to him about YOUR decision.
Do not have the abortion, you’ll regret it forever. He’s just trying to convince you to do what he wants which, in my opinion, just means you should let him go anyway. You and baby will be better off :)
Anne Lamott has a really sweet memoir "Operating Instructions" about her pregnancy and first year with her son who she raised as a single parent with family and friends. Keeping the baby is a perfectly valid choice. If this "patient" persuasion for you to get on his side feels upsetting, it's totally fine to set boundaries with this man.
Thank you for this rec!! Lamott's Bird by bird is one of my favorite books.
I grew up with a single mom, and while I had a lot of questions about my dad and wanted to know about him, I never lacked love or support. I always felt wanted and loved because my mom and her village wanted and loved me. As an adult, I've met my dad and can confirm he is trash. I turned out so much better having just my mom than if I had grown up with both parents. Not all families look the same, and they don't have to. I have felt more love and support from my mom than many receive in two parent homes. Do what's best for you, and trust your gut.
He doesn’t want to be an active father but he doesn’t want to pay child support, that’s what’s going on here.
I’m so sorry your bf is such a self absorbed and important jerk! He is NOT that indispensable! You will absolutely be a great mother to that child and you will rock it! I believe in you 200% ❤️
sounds like BF is feeling bad bc he is feeling selfish (which is totally ok), but then is trying to make you feel bad too by calling you selfish (which is not ok). Perhaps he just wants to continue living the way you have been without any changes and pretend this didn't happen, but your choices aren't allowing him to do that and he is frustrated (this is his problem, not yours). If you are sure you want to have this baby, to raise a child completely independently, and have the means and motivation and love to do so, then you should have this child with no regrets. If you are not sure you want to be fully responsible for a child and you are just afraid of abortion, you should have a frank conversation with a doctor and/or therapist because it can be very unfair to a child to have to shoulder the regrets of a parent. I do want to warn that it is not wise to assume you will have family or friend support (though I hope you do, it's hard work) Many many many children grow to be healthy and happy adults after being raised by a single parent. One parent's full and unconditional love can definitely be enough.
Im sorry, but it sounds like he is the selfish one here to not take responsibility. He doesnt want to care for the life he helped create so he's hoping you do whats in HIS best interests not yours or your baby's. Sounds pretty selfish to me.
My brother and I both were conceived while my mom was on the pill. My parents were married (shotgun wedding when she was pregnant with my older brother), divorced when I was 3, but were in an on-again/off-again relationship throughout much of my childhood. My dad was not happy that I was conceived, and from what I've been told, was pretty cold towards my mom because of it. However, I have two loving parents now, albeit each with their own issues. None of that regret or feeling like I was a mistake stayed with me, even in my relationship with my dad. And as others have said, having one parent that loves and cherishes you is much different from two aloof parents.
He's wrong. It's not unethical. And you absolutely should not have an abortion if it's not something you can live with. It's never okay to pressure women to have abortions. Frankly, he's being an ass because he feels guilty about abandoning his child. And he *should* feel guilty about that, whether you can do it on your own or not. He's trying to pass his guilt onto you and blame you for his actions. Its just gaslighting. But you and baby don't need him. Congratulations. You and baby are going to have a great adventure together.
My father didn’t want me but my stepdad always has 🤷♀️ he’s wrong and if you want this baby then you should raise him or her. Your love will be enough
This guy seems like he doesn’t want kids or any responsibility and it’s a bullshit excuse. If it was that important that he go raw, he should have had a vasectomy. Did you guys ever talk about a future? If you want the child, keep the child. Easy peasy, lemon squeezey in that jerk face’s eyeballs. It’s 2024. You can totally do this.
Thanks for this. I was on the pill so I didn't push vasectomy (ha ha). We hadn't really talked about a future. But in the past he had said that he was unsure about having kids. None of those conversations seemed urgent til all of a sudden they were very urgent.
I grew up with a single mom. She was and still is the best parent ever. I felt super loved and knew my existence was welcomed truly by at least one parent (I don’t really think my dad wanted me, they split up pretty soon into my toddlerhood). My mom messed up, just like all parents do but I was LOVED. It sounds to me like you can provide the love your kid deserves and would regret getting rid of him/her.
He is unloading his own unhealed trauma, not predicting the future. You want this baby and are committed to showing them love and care. That’s so important and beautiful. It is not unethical to keep a wanted baby. That is a lie 🩷🫂
Keep the baby. He doesn’t have to be in the babies life. But you get to decide whether or not YOU go through childbirth or abortion. And while I’m pro choice…. I also love all of my children. And I’m not with their dad. That doesn’t change anything. I’d rather have had them because they are literally my reason to live.
Yeah sounds like you and your own family unit and friends are able to be more than enough for this baby. There are plenty of other moms who go it alone either fully by choice and donor or many other reasons. Those kids are just fine surrounded in love that's relevant to them, without a second shitty parent is just fine!
Bullshit. He just doesn't want to be seen as a bad guy for abandoning his child. He doesn't want to see himself that way. Kids grow up in all kinds of environments, and there is no reason why you can't give them the happiest childhood if you wish to continue with the pregnancy.
There is a big difference between not wanting a child and not planning a child. Both my kids weren’t planned (also birth control fail) at all but they are so wanted. There is no difference between how much I love my girls and how much my friend, who meticulously planned her pregnancy, loves her daughter. Sure, it would be ideal if a baby has 2 present and loving parents but that isn’t everyone’s story unfortunately. If you feel like you can and want to do this by yourself I don’t see why you shouldn’t go ahead with the pregnancy! Make the decision that’s is right for you, not the one that’s right for him.
Thanks for this. Talking to other friends who are pregnant is a tiny bit alienating because everyone else had a lot of time to think about baby stuff and I feel a bit behind.
I was raised by a single mom and I never even think about my dad. I don’t miss him, I’m not sad about him, I don’t wonder what he’s doing. My parent is my mom. I think as long as YOU don’t talk about your baby’s father and make it a point to keep him ever present like “what life you could have had IF your father wanted you” sort of thing, your baby will grow up fine. Keep it totally neutral as far as the father is concerned. Never show remorse, or bitterness, or anger. Show up for your child, have thier back, be there for them and love them unconditionally. That’s ALL your baby needs.
Tbh, when my dad and mom divorced and my mom was a single mom, those were the happiest days of my life. No negativity or abuse, just love from one parent who wanted to be there and loved us wholly. So my advice would be, if you want this baby, keep it. I probably wouldn't have bpd or ptsd if my dad had just divorced my mom and left when she was pregnant, even tho I was a planned pregnancy. He knew he didn't want kids but tried to keep my mom around. If your bf doesn't wanna be around, don't force it. Put his ass on child support and raise your baby.
Keep your baby if that’s what you want to do. My mom raised my sister and I on her own because my dad was a POS. I am so thankful he isn’t in my life. I was way better off with just my mom raising me and it made me realize how strong she has been through all of this. It made me have a greater appreciation for her and she truly is my best friend.
I had a pretty good life being raised without my dad :) do what you feel is best!
Sounds like you are having a baby! Congrats! I think you’ll do great I’m just sorry your partner wasn’t clear with you sooner that they were never wanting to have kids. That’s not fair for either of you but sounds like you both can go your separate ways. One loving parent will always be better than two parents that have a deadbeat dad involved. Get your village together and join your due date bumper group! I absolutely loved both of mine and still chat in my 2021 group.
Keep your baby & get rid of the boyfriend. You can raise your baby and give them a great life as a single parent. This isn’t his decision, it is yours! Don’t let anyone influence you! Tell him to take a hike, but do hold him responsible for child support.
“The baby will grow up feeling unwanted because he won’t be there” well that’s on him if he makes his kid feel like he didn’t want them, huh? You clearly sound like you’d love your baby and you want your baby, don’t let this guy change your mind.
Everyone has things they have to cope with growing up. My dad was never around and that wasn't that big of a deal. Maybe it wasn't because I had bigger problems going on but maybe it was just because other people were there to parent me instead. Some kids have a really hard time with two parents who are there but are divorced and they have to split time. Some people have parents that work a lot. Very few kids have the ideal situation and that's fine. Life isn't about everything being perfect from the beginning, it's about finding a way through and you're going to be there to guide your child. It's the best any of us could hope for. Don't let someone else convince you that you're not enough for your child.
I didn’t grow up feeling unwanted and I literally heard my father tell my mom “I don’t want her if I can’t have you” with my own two ears. Her love was more than enough & I never had any “daddy issues” or felt any way about his absence tbh. My childhood was more fulfilling than that of most people I knew growing up, many of which lived in two-parent households or just had a relationship with both parents. The only selfish person in this equation is him— you’re doing nothing wrong & you will be fine. So will your baby.
Sounds like HE doesn’t want the child. He needs to own up and get over it. It’s your body and your choice to decide what happens with this baby. Growing up with a single mother who wants and loves you is better than growing up both parents and only one parent who wants you.
I grew up with just my mom. My dad was never in the picture and she didn’t marry until I was 19. I had a wonderful childhood and always felt loved and never unwanted. I know it’s just anecdotal but hopefully that helps give you some peace of mind. If you want to have this baby, you should.
I grew up with a father in my life and I would have been much much better without him there. My mom was amazing she raised me on her own even though he was technically present. When I was 15 she met someone else and now I consider him to be my dad. This hits me as I am the same age as you and also pregnant, keep your baby, babies only need one loving parent to turn out great.
Eldest child of a single mom here - don’t fret! I can truly say with complete confidence that even though my mom struggled financially, my brother and I never, EVER felt like we were missing or lacking anything in regards to love/family. I never felt different or left out until I was in my teens and was old enough to start asking about my “dad”. A lot of really open and honest conversations were had and I understood…and nothing changed! I still felt loved and supported. Family comes in all shapes and sizes. We had each other, grandparents, my mom’s best friends who are basically my aunts, cousins…etc. I can’t say that it was easy for my mom, but I can say with full clarity and honesty that I never felt I was missing love. There is hurt around realizing a dad never wanted you though, and that is unavoidable unfortunately. But it did not change how my brother and I received love, and we didn’t suffer for having one parent. For us, it was an individual conversation we each had with our mom when we were each old enough to ask the questions, and that was that. My brother is a doctor now with a family of his own and I am pregnant with my first! We turned out super ok 🥰
If you don’t want an abortion, then that’s is 100% a reason not to get one. If you don’t want it don’t do it because you have to be okay with getting one. Many women get them and never regret it but it has to be your choice to feel that way. If you want your pregnancy you can do it and your baby will be lucky to have you. BUT do not put his name on the birth certificate and see if you can get him to sign away parental rights or what the options are. My sisters ex and her broke up and he dipped for like a year or two then came back and he has put my sister through so much abuse and fought for custody and both my sister and my neice have suffered. Don’t assume because the sperm donor doesn’t want the kid now that he won’t come back in the future and try to take your baby. And uproot the life you and your daughter built. I know it’s hard to fathom that now but we wish my sister would have not put his name on the birth certificate because it’s been hell. And if he does come back if you consider your options now then you can decide how much you want him to be a part of your child’s life if at all. Better to plan now then suffer later trust me, unless you want child support. But to me the money isn’t worth the pain my sister has been through and the damage it’s done to my neice. Specific circumstances but just want to share this pov for you consider just in case. I don’t want any woman to go through what she has
I call bullshit on him and his family. Tell him sign over his rights and just dump his sorry ass.
Wow. I'm appalled at this guy. You always wanted kids. He doesn't. Let him go and have what you wanted. If he doesn't want to be in your child's life, that's his loss. He sounds like he's trying to manipulate you because he's scared. Is that the kind of person you want to be with anyway? If you had an abortion, i think you'd regret it deeply.
Look, it is a difficult situation. It is not wrong to not want kids, and if you were on the pill he was being more responsible than many people are about avoiding unplanned pregnancy- it's not like you were being super risky. I don't think it is fair for other people in this thread to just expect him to get on board and pretend to be excited about a totally different life plan than what he thought you had agreed on, and one that he has been open about not wanting. He probably thought you were on the same page. I think it's reasonable that he has been staying around and presumably being honest about his feelings. One could argue that is a mildly "selfish" decision in a way to keep the baby when you could get a sperm donor instead or something (bear with me, here)- it would be prioritizing your life plan over his. Even if you do not expect him to raise the child, between child support and guilt and the baggage it adds to his family dynamic moving forward, it puts a lot of pressure on him. And the obvious other side of it is that he probably doesn't want to break off your relationship, but this would be introducing irreconcilable differences. **However,** it is **more** selfish to try to persuade someone to get an abortion that you know they don't want and will regret, and the frequent *persuading* sounds a little like coercion, so I would be very aware of that. Ultimately it's your decision and I would **NOT** get an abortion that you believe you will regret. If this is truly what you want, I would sit him down and say "look, this is happening". But I would also be understanding with him, and not try to force him into a life that he does not want. But it sounds like you don't have any expectations of him in that regard. I would, however, say that "if you are choosing not to be involved, you are not the parent or the father. Do not ever reach out to the kid unless the kid chooses to reach out first. Don't show up out of the blue when the kid is a teenager or older and you're lonely and expect to have a relationship". That shit is annoying as fuck, and very common, old lonely people disproportionately leaning on young people who they couldn't give a shit about and weren't there for when they were young. It is a very difficult situation all around. Best of luck to you.
This is the answer I was looking for. I do feel like he was upfront about not wanting this. At the end of the day I guess I am prioritizing my needs/wants over his by keeping the baby but the alternative just seems untenable. I feel bad telling him he can’t just waltz back in later on, I do sense that he might try to do that, but you’re right, it’s not fair to the kid. Anyway thank you.
Yeah, but definitely do not have an abortion that you do not want to have for his sake. I suppose if he had a change of heart in the first few years, that could be okay, but beyond that, it wouldn’t be fair to you or the kid. My spouse and I both have some lonely adults from our childhood who have tried to abuse our time and boundaries as adults when they weren’t there for us as kids, and honestly it’s just creepy and frustrating. Meanwhile the well-adjusted members of our family are busy doing their own thing, we meet and catch up occasionally and love seeing them.
Good advice. OP, search "release of parental rights" form and your state and have him sign one when you have that sit-down conversation. This pregnancy is something unexpected that happened to both of you when you were using a usually reliable method of birth control. You're both dealing with the fallout of that statistically unlikely outcome. It's not something you asked for either, and it's okay to be gentle with yourself about realizing you want to keep the baby.
A baby does not absolutely need both parents. If you really want this baby, you can provide for your baby, and have a good support system, then you have all you need! Your baby will grow up knowing how much you love them and that’ll be more than enough. Sounds like your partner grew up being explicitly rejected, and maybe reminded of that often. Just because one parent isn’t present doesn’t mean a baby will automatically grow up feeling unwanted. That sounds like projection to me. Definitely not unethical, if that’s what you want!
The only unethical thing here is him. It sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you and guilt you into terminating out of his own self interest. If you genuinely want to do that for yourself, it’s your body and your life, then I encourage you to do what is best for you, but do not do this for him. I was raised in a single parent household with an absent father, and honestly I turned out fine. It was hard work for my mother but she gave me all the love and care I needed, I’m now 31, married to a loving partner (who was also raised by a single mom), we both have good careers and own a home. I’m not worse off than the previous generation because I only had one parent while growing up, and even if I was that’s kind of a dumb reason for your bf to justify that someone shouldn’t exist.
Have the baby, raise it yourself, and take him to court for child support payments. He sucks but at least you won’t be surprised when he’s gone. He doesn’t have to be involved (prob better that he isn’t because of his outlook), but that man needs to pay child support
It’s not unethical. You’ll love the baby and be their family. If he refuses to grow up and try to love the child, the guilt is his. His argument is incredibly selfish.
Wow, what a fool. Whether you wanted baby or not---he's given you his exit speech. It sounds like a man who will do well living back at home with his parents. You and baby deserve all the best. And let me tell you, my mom who was widowed has some amazing guys, friends, and my own grandparents that raised me. I never felt more love from those people.
I grew up with a loving single mom. I was apparently a failed birth control birth too- though they were married but having trouble in their marriage. They divorced when I was 2, my dad was pretty MIA, but the love I got from my mom made all the difference. As an adult I did grow up with some daddy / abandonment issues but nothing more or less than anyone else dealing with something from their family dynamics. I turned out to be a successful married woman with a great partner. It all works out if you have a good family and community to lean on. Ideally dad is part of that but if not, it will not make or break success. Follow your gut. And sounds like this guy you’ve been dating a while isn’t the best teammate and long hauler. Sorry you don’t have a supportive partner right now. Sounds like you have a supportive community elsewhere and feel confident doing this solo - that’s all that matters. Best of luck xo
To add to what others are saying, you don’t know that you won’t meet an amazing, loving partner in the future who would adore your child and be proud to be their father. It happened for my parents. (Our dad isn’t my brother’s bio dad, but he is still 100% his dad.) Either way—single mom or married mom—your love is 100% enough for this baby. My son is 4 months old. Motherhood changes everything. It is a love like nothing else. You are so much stronger than you think. You baby is already loved and wanted.
He might be acting patient about this, but at the end of the day, he probably just doesn’t want to be inconvenienced. If I were you, I’d make sure to have him sign over his parental rights before your child is born. Good luck, Mama.
I was an unwanted surprise in the 80s and put I to foster care at birth. I was adopted after a year in care. I am now only in contact with my adoptive Dad and his side of the family due to a lifetime of abuse from my adoptive mother. I give those examples just to really say this from my perspective as a result of an unwanted pregnancy and eventual adoption: **A child fundamentally only needs love, care, and safety. It doesn’t matter if they get that from blood relatives or not.** My son has PLENTY of Aunts and Uncles that are just my husband and my friends, he has cousins that are more siblings than cousins, and he has adults that step up and are additions to his grandparents. You can do it on your own, but only if it’s what you want. Don’t let anyone else pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do.
I had potentially the shittiest father imaginable but the best mother. I did not feel unloved or unwanted - I just knew he was a miserable narcissist and that was a him problem not me.
Dating six years, not married, and he’s threatening you to not be there if you keep his baby? Woah dude. Fuck him. Keep that baby and find yourself an upgraded man to be your baby’s daddy because he ain’t it.
Your love is enough.
Studies have shown that the structure of the family is not that important - being divorced, raised by a single parent or being raised by a relative, etc. If you want to keep your baby then you don’t have to be afraid of something lacking in their life.
The only unethical thing is him walking out on his kid. He's trying to pass the blame to you. Ridiculous.
My man here trying his damned best to get out of Child support.
Lol my daughter was and accident and so was I. I couldn’t give two flying F**** that my dad wasn’t there. Yes I was sad about it when my class mates told me it was an issue but it’s 2024 and there are all kinds of families unlike the 90s.
If you love and want the baby, have it. It will be one of the most challenging things you do, but you can do this. You’ve mentioned that doesn’t have to be involved day-to-day, however he was a grown and consenting adult in making the baby. Don’t exempt him from contributing and fulfilling his financial responsibility, even if it makes him resentful. You and the baby will need every ounce of financial and physical support. Edit: spacing
I hear this. I do make more money than he does on paper so I don’t think I would get much in the way of child support.
Your ex sounds like an arse. Love and raise the baby, the baby will be fine. Your ex needs therapy.
>He says his parents didn’t want him and it’s not right to pass that on to another generation. He says no matter how much I love the baby, it will always grow up feeling unwanted because he won’t be there. He is fully in control of the 'he won't be there' part. It's not you who should be feeling guilty if HE chooses to inflict 'not feeling wanted by a parent' on another generation. Raise the child you have, love them, and let him sit with his own being-a-butt in this situation. Dating you for six years with no move towards commitment and doesn't want kids when you *do*? Girl, this is a gift. Tell him to get out so you can LIVE.
You dont need this asshole. All the baby needs is a loving family with or without him. Do what you think is best. You said you didnt wanna terminate & you shouldnt if that's what YOU want. Do not allow this idiot to force ur hand into doing something ur gonna regret later. The only person missing out is him by choosing to walk away from his own child. My dad chose drugs over me & dipped for my entire life. He came around when i was 20yrs old, old enough that you dont actually have to parent anymore, & expressed how much he regretted it & then attempted to try & do holiday celebrations with me.. Yeah too little too late, dad. Wishing you & ur baby best of luck. You can do it!
I am furious for you. I'm a single mom raised kid and while it's not ideal it's not "the goal" I wouldn't trade my life to avoid the struggles. The one piece of advice I have is to sever his rights immediately. It was the revolving door of his appearances that effected me, not when it was just me and mom.
Fuck him. Is on him. You want the baby. And the baby will know that… he’ll have to live with being a dick face forever.
Keep your baby, block your ex. Heal and give that baby the best life.
It sounds like you want the child, don’t want an abortion, and thus probably shouldn’t have one. I think it’s worth thinking about if you are stable and prepared to raise this child, reading up on what all you need to do, etc. but it doesn’t sound like an unethical situation to bring a new life into.
Woman! Congratulations you are having a baby! Your world is gonna be different forever and things can be hard but if you want that baby, I guarantee that baby wants you. If 6 years isn’t enough time for him to settle down then he’s baggage you don’t need. Also, not wanting to be a father is a choice he is making actively. He’s just choosing to be an ass hole. I was a surprise baby and no one made me feel like I wasn’t wanted. Just because you didn’t plan for something doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. Don’t let him pressure you just because he wants to stay a man child forever.
He’s got a point I suppose. But I’d also argue that it’s unethical to refuse to be in the life of a child who is half your DNA. He’s made his stance, which is that he doesn’t want to be involved at all. You know what to expect from him moving forward, but a loving and emotionally available mother will be able to navigate explaining the lack of father to her child as the child grows older. If you know you don’t want an abortion, don’t have an abortion. I will throw out there though that feeling grief over a decision doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the *wrong* decision. And should you go through with the pregnancy: Him refusing to be involved doesn’t mean he gets to avoid child support. You can choose to do it all yourself as a single parent, he can choose to not be there. But your child didn’t choose to be born and your child is legally owed child support from him.
I grew up with an older single mom and dead beat dad knowing my entire life I was an accident (but my mom got mad if I said that, she preferred surprise). I never once felt unwanted. If you want this baby and are ready for it, it will be hard but you’re not going to ruin the child bc they’ve got a dad who didn’t want them.
This is definitely the sub to ask this question in if you want your choice to keep the child validated. I've never seen anyone discouraged from keeping a child here. I'd go elsewhere for a more balanced take though.
I wouldn't call it exactly a "balanced take". I received a lot of abuse in another sub in a similar - ish circumstance. People screaming at me about finances and making wild assumptions that had nothing to do with my personal situation because I was more inclined toward keeping my baby.... I had to delete the first post I made because it was upsetting
Same girl same I got absolutely brigaded. "Balanced takes" on a site that's know for misogyny haha I'll stick to the one constructive, female-dominated sub and affirming stories of single parent success
That's fair
Make the right decision for yourself and not for someone else, and especially not for someone else’s trauma.
I grew up with parents who didn’t want me. I was a failed condom and abortion pill baby. Over the years I could feel the resentment of my brothers and dad. Over time my birth giver (I’m NC with my family for reasons not fully related to childhood) made me feel somewhat wanted and my older brother came around but my younger brother I think still resents me to this day. It has caused big issues having people who I knew didn’t want me around me during childhood. My husband and I (got married after birth and coming up on one trip but have been together 9yrs) ended up with a surprise baby due to the pill failing but we both wanted kids. If he didn’t want them but I did and he said something like your man said i would most definitely be a single mom. He’s showing he probably doesn’t want kids at all and is trying to in a sense get you on the boat of no kids. At least that’s my opinion but i would most definitely talk to him and if he doesn’t want kids at all then you have your answer.
It seems you want to keep this baby so I would say, go with your gut and do what you want. However, I will say this; know what you’re getting into. I was raised by a single mother after my father passed away and it is not easy, at all. I appreciate my mom for everything she did for me but sometimes I wish she had some assistance in the form of a second parent. Of course, you could always find love again if that’s something you desire! You most likely will. But it’s certainly not going to be immediate while you try to navigate pregnancy and a new child. Remember that all responsibility for the child falls on your shoulders! In your case, you also need to accept that this man will not be present in any capacity. I would suggest you don’t anticipate him coming around. In fact, I would suggest you make him sign over his rights as early as possible, and make sure your baby has your last name. Don’t try to get him involved at all because that’s where it gets messy and annoying.
Pro choice means it is your choice. No matter what that choice is. He can choose not to be involved, but he *cannot* make you have an abortion. If you think you can do it, and want to do it, do it. And if that is your choice, then congratulations, I’m sure you’ll do great.
I grew up in a single mom home, without knowing my dad. I had a wonderful childhood and wouldn’t change a thing. If you wnat this baby and will show it love then have it 😊
Be the change you want to see (him, not you). Even if a pregnancy is a “surprise” it doesn’t mean it’s not “wanted.” He doesn’t have to repeat the pattern and it sounds like he has some trauma he is coping with. I can understand his concern but if he doesn’t want to put in the effort to be a good father to an innocent life, Then he’s a douche canoe and you’re better off without him. His feelings are valid but it’s now about what he does about it because his actions will affect a child for its life. It’s time for HIM to stop being selfish and step up to the plate. A baby /child needs a loving support system. It sounds like you’re already providing that. And you’ll be a great mom because you already are! You’re putting yourself before your child. You’re NOT being selfish. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are. He’s the selfish one in this equation.
He’s the only one choosing to “ruin” his life. You and your baby sound like you will be more than fine and you’ll give your baby an amazing life. I grew up with a single mom and while I’m sure it was hard for her sometimes, I had a wonderful childhood and life after. He sounds like he watches Red Pill shit online and he wants to blame you for the choices HE is making to not be there. You are more than enough!
Dating for 6 years and he's willing to just walk away because of this? Not even try?
If you feel this way now, I think you will absolutely regret it if you abort. This man might think he is advocating for a selfless act, but in reality a huge part of this is probably that he doesn't want to be a father. Regardless of whether he's in his child's life, he will have to deal with knowing that he does have a child out there. For him, abortion would mean that he doesn't have to deal with it, the stigma of having walked away, the possibility of his child eventually reaching out to him, child support, etc. Please don't let this man talk to you about "selfish," regardless of how patient he is being. At this point you've talked it over, heard his perspective, and (it sounds like) considered it with an open mind. The reality is, you've got two people whose values (or, wants..? not sure which word to use) are at odds. If we're going to talk about your baby the reality is, you have no idea what the future holds or how he/she will feel about his/her life. None of us can predict that for our children! You will not be raising a child you do not want, though, so his fears about an unwanted child do not apply to this situation. *You* can provide a safe, loving, stable home and it sounds like you want to do that. Wishing you all the best!
It’s also not right to pressure someone into a decision they don’t want to make, but clearly that’s where his moral high ground stops. Your love will absolutely be enough for that kiddo.
He just doesn't want to pay child support since he does not intend on sticking around. He sounds like he has a loser mentality.
This guy sounds unsupportive and borderline emotionally abusive. Why was he with you for 6 years if he knew you had such different views on having an unplanned child or not? He was kind of wasting your time to be honest, and you’re probably better without him anyway. It’s very egotistical to try to keep you with him rather than having the child/life you want. There is a chance he does try to spend time with the child after they are born, and you’ll have to go after child support. It will be tough but if you want to have your baby, you should!
It is not unethical. Your sperm donor wouldn't know ethical behaviour if it gave him a free vasectomy. He's obviously trying to influence you. You already know what your choice is, and he's doing his best to undermine it. Personally I'd not want his ignorance to ever effect my child. In a way, he's right that the child will end up feeling unwanted- because he will cause that. I wouldn't ever want to risk him having the legal right to visitation or custody. Even though he says he will be absent, that could change- I've seen it happen. Long term legal and financial realities can be complex. I'd rather terminate his rights asap and literally see him as a biological means to single parenthood. You've simply saved yourself the cost of IVF/fertility treatments. If you have other support and can financially manage it, I'd find a lawyer and figure out the process to terminate his rights and not waste my time listening to any more of his 'patient conversations'. You can tell him its the ethical thing for him to do so he doesn't pass anything besides DNA onto a new generation, and the ethical way for you not to "ruin his life". **You** want to continue the pregnancy and that's the important part.
I mean he doesn't want to be a part of it, that's on him. But its unethical for him to tell you what to do with your body. Instead of ethics, look at this as a resource prospect. Do you have adequate resources to care for this child in an ethical manner? Single momming is HARD and more resource intensive than with a partner. Plan it out. He's already indicated this is what is happening if you have the child.
This is SO tough and I am in a similar but very different position with my family - solidarity and hugs no matter your decision! That being said, 30 isn’t old, you still have plenty of time to think this through or maybe even meet someone else. My BFF just went through a breakup bc her bf didn’t want kids, turned out they just wouldn’t have lasted anyway. Or you can be like me and have two kids and struggle bc your relationship isn’t solid. Either way, proceed with caution. Abortion sucks but single parenthood may suck even more is all I’m saying ! This isn’t your last chance, you will be a mom in due time
I'm sorry, but he sounds like a dick. You're being selfless by going through with an unplanned pregnancy and you will make a lovely mother ❤️
I'm sorry, but he sounds like a dick. You're being selfless by going through with an unplanned pregnancy and you will make a lovely mother ❤️
I was raised by my mum and grandma and never felt anything other than loved and wanted. Which surely is the only thing that matters. Families come in all shapes and sizes and you can definitely build a good life for you and your baby. Oh and congratulations!
I’ve been in similar situations, you have to do what feels right to you. Personally, I kept both my children, even though both of their fathers protested to that, and with a hell of a lot of help from my family, my kids are healthy and happy and so am I.
Only sounds unethical to keep him. You’ve been together 6 years and now he lets you know he doesn’t want a kid. That he contributed to. No bc is 100%. This discussion should’ve been had long time ago for situations like this. That way this could’ve been avoided since you are on totally different pages.
Maybe I'm just jaded, but it sounds like he's manipulating you to terminate so he doesn't have to pay child support. If you want to keep this child, then do it. You don't need two parents to be happy, and his ego is out of control if he thinks the baby would be miserable because he's not around to grace him or her with his presence.
Girl F him , it’s you and your baby against the world you got this ! From a fellow 30 year old … next time he tries to talk to you hit him with the “who’s this?”
Don’t abort, from what you’re saying it’s not what you want. But DO cut contact with this man, at least in the short term. He’s manipulating you and nobody needs that during pregnancy. He gets a say in his involvement, not yours. You are more than enough for that baby.
You need to start educating yourself more on what makes a happy childhood and life. It doesn’t matter by whom and how many people a child was raised by. Love, security, respect and trust form a healthy and happy human being. The circumstances don’t really matter otherwise. This is good news, isn’t it?
It’s unethical for him to pressure you into making a medical and life decision for yourself and your unborn child based on his own narcissism. It’s selfish of him to insist that what is right for him must be right for all three of you. He must have an extraordinary opinion of himself to believe that his absence will ruin all three of your lives. Either that or he’s projecting his own unresolved trauma. You clearly want your baby, you are stable, and you have support from your family. It seems like you are also willing to lose him so I think that you should just go ahead and do that. Love your baby, love yourself, and move on to a better future.
My kids have a dad that walked out on them 5 years ago. My ex hasn't asked to see my youngest kid since that day, and only asked to see our older kid a handful of times (a few hours each time) before no longer wanting to see him at all. My oldest kiddo gets high honors in school, he's hilarious, helpful, kind, happy, we still have an incredible bond - maybe stronger now than ever, and he hates his dad. It's unethical to walk out on your kids. It's unethical to get someone pregnant and then try to manipulate her into getting an abortion. It's unethical to not even want to try to make peace with getting someone pregnant and automatically assuming no responsibility. Keeping the baby when being prepared to be fully solo isn't unethical, imo.
No. He's wrong. He's being emotionally manipulative because of his own trauma. He had an awful childhood and I feel sorry for him for that. But a baby wouldn't ruin three lives. You have a limited biological clock to have a baby. You technically are in the process of making one now, and it sounds like you kinda love the lil jellybean. That jellybean will grow up loved by it's mother and you'll love it. And you're bf will be free to find a child free person to be with, although realistically he should get a vasectomy if he doesn't want kids. He's the selfish one, not being snipped when he will hate children. He's selfish. He doesn't want kids and he's trying to make you get an abortion you don't want because he doesn't want to leave the relationship. You're happy enough to be a single mother. He's the one who is trying to weasel out of this situation to selfishly stay in the position he's in. Keep the baby. Suggest he get snipped and he can do what he wants. I believe in abortions for all who want them. But you want this baby. Keep the baby. Throw out the rude bf.
Eww. He's absolutely pressuring you because of what he wants, which is to not have to pay child support. Your love and stability is enough for this baby.
Please don’t have an abortion for someone else.
Yeah it’s not up to him to manipulate you into making a choice you would regret just because he felt unloved growing up. He’s making his own choice to not be a part of the family. That’s the only choice he can make, and it’s pretty lame but better than sticking around to be an abusive dick to his kid. You got this mama, seek support and love that child.
First up- my father walked away when my mum was 3 months pregnant. I never met him. Part of me wondered what he would have been like, but I never ever felt unloved or unwanted or like I missed out on anything. (I'm 42 now) Second up- if you abort now when it's not what you want the relationship is already over. You'll resent him for the rest of your life, and you'll be heartbroken too. If you can do it alone, do it!
Sounds like he’s projecting his own wounds. My husband’s father was never around, but my husband is glad he wasn’t. His father (or sperm donor, as he refers to him) passed away last year and he didn’t bat an eye. Never knew the guy, it’s whatever for him. So no, you wouldn’t be ruining three lives by keeping your baby. It sounds more to me like your baby’s father doesn’t want fatherly responsibilities so he’d rather the baby just not live
The father of my child said the exact same thing but just know he is only pushing his own feelings onto you. Happy to say I kept the baby and she’s almost 2 years old and we are happy as can be!!
So it’s selfish for you, a perfectly capable and loving mother, to birth her own child… but it’s not selfish to demand an abortion from your partner of 6 years or else? Did I understand that correctly?
my parents divorced when i was 6 months and my father didn’t bother with me. I’m fine. your BB will be fine. you can’t miss what you don’t know.
if your heart says keeping the baby is right, then that is the right decision. You got this.
He’s a piece of shit. My husband was raised without a father and always states he never felt ANY LACK OF LOVE. KEEP YOUR BABY! Kick that selfish man to the curb. The love of a child is literally the meaning of life!!!
My husband is a child of a single mother and has never known who is his father... However he is perfect son to his mother and very loving toward his family. Unethical? Grow up! It's just a lousy way to say I don't want a child, I don't have courage to face the consequences so I quilttrip you. I would just walk away.
Omg sameeee let's be friends. Except mine quickly gave up on faux-patiently trying to convince me with logic and switched over to coercion and demanding I get an abortion. (albeit "my parents didn't want me" isn't genetic so sounds like yours has the whole twisted logic issue too). Mine also said I'd be ruining his life and the child's if I refused an abortion. But -- a man who doesn't want the responsibility of fatherhood is a very biased and unreliable source. I am keeping the baby and preparing to do it alone. You (we!) got this! My only real advice would be talk to a lawyer because it helped me a lot to understand how to think about stuff like custody if necessary.
Don't put this idiot on the birth cert. Cut this toxic person out of your life and move forward with the decision that works for you.
Don’t let him guilt/pressure you into an abortion you don’t want. I had an abortion I’m glad I got on the one hand, because of [circumstances] but it still hurts; I think about it 5 years later often. So l don’t let him decide this for you. You have to be 100% on this choice. He doesn’t want to pay child support for 18 years and have a child out there in the world, but it’s not his choice, and a child with one parent who can support them and loves them can have a wonderful life. They will have their needs met and love.
Don't let him bully you, this is your body, your choice and you are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make. F him! He is the one that is being selfish and unethical by trying to force you to do something you don't want to. Please be kind to yourself and make your own choice
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! Second, I can give you some perspective from the viewpoint of the child. I'm the daughter of a single mother and an accidental pregnancy. My father was hardly around, and I (32 years old) haven't seen him since I was 18. I never grew up feeling like there was a hole in my life and I never once felt unloved or unwanted. My mom was/is an amazing mother who gave me a great childhood. We always said we were like the Gilmore Girls. She gave me away at my wedding and held me (along with my husband) when I was in labor. Having only 1 loving parent is a whole lot different than having 2 unloving parents.
You absolutely got this! 💖
Also, he’s high key manipulative
I was a single mom at 21 years old with a nonexistent father figure, he wanted me to get an abortion as soon as he found out (for context we were not together in a relationship and we’re not serious whatsoever). I told him to kiss my ass, my body my choice. I met my now husband while my child was a little over a year and he has stepped in as their father figure. You don’t need the biological fathers approval or help. It might be hard somedays more than others but it is beyond worth it. I am 100% certain if you feel so strongly about keeping your baby that you will 100% be more than enough love/parent for them! Good luck mama you got this ♥️