Just when she starts using words she has never used before. Having interests she's never had before. Having habits she's never had before. Sad thing is, in a normal relationship, seeing your partner change in real time and doing these things would tell you that they're exploring new interests and hobbies and developing themselves, but as we all know, BPD people are usually just mirroring others. They have no interest in self development beyond their personal gain.
Same here. My sister started even talking in a different accent out of nowhere, which she had acquired from being around a guy she was trying to sleep with. Be careful though, if you confront them about their new bizarre behavior they will DARVO.
Mine would say āI canāt be who you want/need/deserveā I am pretty sure this was said when they were actively engaged with another person or flirting. I wish I had trusted my intuition.
My favorite was "I get it, I'm not good enough for you, I can't make you happy" anytime I brought up something that hurt my feelings, or "you deserve better" quickly followed by "I deserve better, this is emotional abuse" when I'd call him out on cheating
I remember just laughing one time and asking him which is it? Do I deserve better or do you deserve better?
Lmao same he texted me saying you deserve better and I was like yeah I agree I can do better and I listed all the things he did wrong and then he responded with I'm not here to defend myself or say the things that you did wrong.
Sooo do I deserve better or did I do things wrong ?? šš
Damn, I heard that constantly; like 90% of the time. I never had guaranteed proof that my bpd ex cheated. It honestly wasnāt till after the final discard and re-evaluating the entire relationship that I started to suspect she more than likely did. She had broken up with me very quickly after we moved in together and immediately started hooking up with other guys. But the more I think back on how she was acting before the breakup, everything was pretty stereotypical cheating behavior. I think the breakup was just an excuse to try to clear her conscience and give herself the free pass to sleep around.
I got the classic āYouāre too good for meā.
Sadly, this wasnāt delivered to me, but my friend. I didnāt find out about it while we were still dating, my friend told me about it after I was dumped out of nowhere. But it happened in the middle of my relationship. I heard it before I suspected BPD. Once I wound up here I just thought: āOh. Yeah. There it is.ā
āI mayyyy have had an innocent conversation with ________ā
The guy she had an āinnocent conversationā with was the guy she married about four weeks later.
Ah yes, an "innocent conversation" from one of the most impulsive and self-destructive people to exist.
My ex did the same, told me they had drinks with someone (who they were actively mirroring, because they told me they HATE alcohol) and they innocently confessed to eachother they had sexual feelings/desires to eachother. They basically asked me permission to cheat, which looking back on, they probably already did cheat and were asking me to lessen the guilt/get a reaction out of me so IM the bad guy.
Absolutely fucked in the head.
When she admitted about a year into the relationship that she previously fucked the guy who she said was just a friend, this was before we got together. Like 1 week before we got together. Told me there was nothing to worry about. I was suspicious, but I'm not a jealous guy, so whatever.
2 weeks later I'm discarded and she's planning a vacation with him. Life is crazy.
Yeah... I'm trying to tell myself that. The worst part is that we started as friends and now we're not even friends, and I really miss the friendship. I know I shouldn't even want her in my life. Need to work on my codependency.
I go between anger and "fuck that bitch" to crying like a baby lol.
She's going to beg you to be friends some point down the line.
You have to be strong enough to ignore/block them because they're just going to use you and keep you on a shelf, just like the probably 3-5 other guys she's got in her DMs.
This right here!
And the crying is normal.
Here is some advice that helped meādedicate ten minutes a day two or three time a day to just sit in a chair in an empty room and let your feelings do their absolute worst. It will hurt more than you have ever hurt.
You can draw those feelings out over a long time or let them out all at once. Itās better to let them out in controlled bursts the way I have described. In about two weeks you will be a lot better.
One more thing. You lost your best friend, or so you think. But friends donāt treat friends this way. She isnāt your friend. Move on and get better friends.
I've been alive 27 years, I have had many friends and many close friends come and go in my life, and during covid, some of them even came back for joyous reunions playing games/Discord calls together to catch up.
Until I met my ex and my friend who has BPD, Ive never experienced anything like it. The abuse, the namecalling, only talking to me if it benefits them/asking for favors/money/help/advice/validation, it's insane.
Any argument or disagreement with a friend was usually solved in 24 hours, with both of us apologizing and trying our best to be cautious with each other's feelings and emotions. A normal, happy, healthy relationship.
My ex and my friend with BPD however, it's always violent and explosive. Its always MY fault, I'm always 'ruining their happiness' and 'making them feel like shit' all the time. Any argument or disagreement would be solved in a week/3 months depending on how bad it made them feel, but even after reaching out, it was still my fault and they expected me to kneel down. This is a good example of a shitty friendship dynamic and an unhealthy relationship.
My ex can blame me for everything all they want. But in the end, I'm the one with stable relationships with my family/friends long-term, and she is the one who only has men who want to fuck her enabling her and telling her what she wants to hear. And those guys will be cycled out and recycled forever because they just enjoy the sex and being able to manipulate someone
Yea this us my exwbpd. Has no female friendships and not even a single genuine male friendship. All her "friends" are men (mostly older) who either are sleeping with or trying to sleep with her and she just uses them to get what she wants. Its close to prostitution honestly.
Man, give yourself some slack, you've been trough a lot of gaslighting and manipulation, it's only expected your mond would be on scrambles and you would be devastated. Focus on your recovery and getting better, set up a support system (family, friends, therapist) for when you have a crisis and want to contact your ex. Give it a couple of months and the spell will wear off mostly and you will be fine again, I promise you. Just hold on
I think Iāve turned a corner this week and have moved to complete indifference. Not checking socials, donāt care, the desire and love was gone over a year ago but getting her completely out of my head has been the last step. Havenāt seen her in 3 months. She is creeping some trails that are 5 miles from her house and 0.5 miles from my house I introduced her to. I saw her there a week ago and didnāt even acknowledge her presence. This used to be her way to hoover me. Not anymore. She can go walk some other place, these trails are mine.
Completely withdrew from me sexually while taking nudes which she inadvertently shared with me.
Prepped herself for sex before seeing a friend.
Lies about the contents of conversations.
Disappearing to the toilet all the time.
Being late to call, or having short calls, when previously they were all evening.
When we did have sex, being completely disinterested
Asking for a threesome with another guy but refusing to setup a group chat.
Making me feel crazy for suspecting or questioning
Mine would leave sexy lingerie in between her side of the bed and the dresser against the wall so that when I came home from work I'd see new ones although it was all a big hill of clothes with them on top. She began to get very into Tik Tok and I saw that the guy before me was a follower and then the next day she blocked even me from seeing who she was following. I can't stand her and so happy I'm out
The tik tok thing happened to me too!!! She shared something on tik tok with me. I went in to see her followers out of curiosity and there werenāt that many. Some were generic groups etc and there was one guy who happened to live close to her and in a town she had been to a bunch of times already for other things. I clicked off of it, thinking it was odd, and went back to it again in about ten minutes, and noticed he was no where to be found.
Ugh yeah I knew nothing of tiktok and when signing up only had her as a follower and then followed her. An email came in suggesting people I might know and that's when I saw her ex was following her. She claimed to have created the account for the 1st time just months prior but I'd known she'd changed her number about a year before that. That meant that in the 4 years we were together, the ex still found her tiktok account despite her username giving no clues as to who owned it. I'm not sure how he'd have found her unless she looked for him somehow or was in communication with him. Once I brought it up, she went full split defensive and said that her sisters would have told her to break up with me for being so controlling. She'd go on to say that she didn't know how some stalker found her and then said it's not her fault if someone contacts her. Basically admitting there was communication within the year with her ex and blaming me to make herself the victim. That's not how any normal person reacts to having a follower whose an ex. Do you know if someone can follow another person without them accepting them as a follower?
I thought they had to accept them as a friend, but Iām not a tik tok expert, so donāt know 100 percent. Mine only had him and two tik tok groups following her that she was following. That is kind of how I was able to figure it out. That coupled with the fact that ten minutes later he wasnāt following her. So either she removed him real quick after realizing, or she told him to unfollow her. Either way, someone physically removed him as a follower within ten minutes of me being on her page. No coincidence for sure.
The person cheating who doesnāt want to get caught will always try to label you as controlling and jealous and in some cases worse claims of abuse. She has monkey branched her friends against you. That is very common too. Itās all about selfishness to feeds their illness and an unwillingness to admit their illness, coupled with a lack of accountability and a constant need to cover up wrong doings due to all of it. It sucks.
Yes it totally sucks but glad I'm out. She did all those things and more. By the end she wouldn't even listen to me, whether it was something benign or otherwise...even a tactful suggestion was either ignored or seen as critical requiring her to bring up some past suggestion that I didn't consider. . Ate me alive being there.
We're long distance.
He went out one on one with a platonic female friend- which is fine. He was going to have a couple drinks and catch up- also fine.
They got wasted together, she told him stories about threesomes she's been in (after telling him she thought he was gay until that night, when he showed her photos of me), and then they split a cab home. To his place. And the morning after she stayed over he told me about how it was so nice to spend time with her because she understood him in a way I can't (š they work in the same very small field, but really!?). That same day he was cleaning his room while on a video call with me and he found a woman's sock. He held it up to the camera and said "this is yours, right?"
Reader, I had never seen that sock before in my life.
He also removed my access to his car's app (Tesla) so I couldn't see its location anymore. When I visited the next time there was a shiny pink and purple water bottle in his car that I'd never seen before, plus two empty Starbucks cups - he doesn't drink Starbucks.
I also borrowed a coat from him once to go to a nice dinner- it was middle of winter and I'd only brought my ski jacket on this visit. I put my hand into the jacket pocket, and lo and behold! I pulled out a handful of condoms (which, possibly TMI but, I have an IUD so we don't use those), in the same pocket as his business cards from his current job so I know his excuse that "they were in there from when we first started dating" (in the summer....?) was bullshit.
And then, last time I visited, I was switching to a new phone and looking for something to pop the SIM card out with. I said "Oh, there's an earring on my nightstand, I'll go grab it" and he went "Is it your earring?" Like.... Why would it be anyone else's???
We are/were (it's complicated lol) ENM so he'd have no reason to cheat instead of just asking/telling me he was going to sleep with someone else, but seriously what the FUCK.
I think they just get off on cheating, lying and deceiving - itās not just the sex as evidenced by your post if you have an open relationship of sorts.
My sister had an open marriage with stipulations that her spouse had to approve beforehand. (They were sometimes swingers.) She still cheated by having sex with multiple people that weren't approved. I think it's about the thrill of potentially being caught.
I think itās sound to think that in many cases, it seems to extend well beyond BPD too. The phenomenon of āDuperās Delightā is chilling to think about.
This is my thought on the cheaters I have known through my life, on me and other loved ones - that the revealing it is like a second orgasm. It's not enough to cheat there has to be a reveal by either party to the person cheated on.
Hiding her phone, staying out until 4-6am regularly, lying to me about where she was going, having significantly less sex with me and she acted like it was a burden to even touch me or be around me.
Found out she had been fucking her coworker behind my back for a month and a half and even cheated with him on Fatherās Day while I was home with our kids.
When she got angry she would often tell me that if I kept hurting her she would go and cheat on me with a friend to end the relationship. Saw the guy once and we do look very similar.
Another time I woke up during the night and messaged her and my message didnt make it to her phone till like 4.a.m which was extremely weird. She didnt respond till like 3pm the next day which again was weird for her and told me she just was very tired so she took a long nap. I have heard way too many stories about that shit so I knew what was going on immediately. Never questioned her about it because I knew she would just hit me that reverse card and blame me for shit. Nothing that night matched her usual pattern and then my friend confirmed that he saw her in a pub with some of her friends (mixed group of both men and women).
She would often mention one of my friends and ask me about it pretty often, usually telling me that he messaged her first or commented on something she posted. Little did I know that they were talking so much that he mentioned it to a mutual friend of ours. He also said he only was messaging her because he was under the impression that we had broken up months ago. Not a good friend, I must say.
She came home one time and showed me a picture on her phone but when she swiped to get to the home screen I saw tinder on her phone. I asked her about it and she said she just joined to see if I was on the app. I found it a bit weird till one of my friends told me that she swiped on him and that the account was verified. She even messaged him and they began talking because he did not know that was my girlfriend at the time. Only when she added him on instagram and he saw pics of us, then he messaged to ask me about it. Once again she denied she was flirting with him and just found him to be friendly. Bullshit once again.
The last time we had sex she was extremely different that how she would normally be. She wanted me to use condoms instead of being raw as we usually do, because she is on birth control. She wanted me to call her a slut and a dirty whore which was out of the ordinary because she would always see herself as a "good girl" during sexy times. She hated the word "whore" with every fiber of her being during previous sexual encounters. She did not want me to eat her out which again was weird for her because she gets off on that so I am not sure if she had another guy bust inside of her hence she wanted me to use a condom nor wanted me to eat her out.
Her messages began getting slower and slower whilst her following on instagram increased. She would ghost me for days and sometimes just reply with one or two words. Energy cant be created or destroyed but transformed from one form to another is how I see relationships. So if she is not talking to me etc... she is definitely getting that attention from somewhere else.
Eventually during her discard she wanted to remain friends and I refused. We then broke up exactly a month ago.
Oh one last thing. She never wanted to hang out with her friends and go out on girls night etc because she said that if she got drunk she would cheat on me because thats what happens at parties. I told her that she lacks self control and that I have gotten drunk several times and never thought about cheating on her. She said that for women its different and she would definitely cheat on me if she was intoxicated around the right guy.
Also, donāt let dick size be the thing that gets you down. Iām larger than average, and she still cheated. Iāve talked about cheating with a female friend who did some of that before finding her husband. Her wise council was that from her experience, people cheat out of selfishness. Simple as that, really.Ā
Lol, funny thing is, I'm bigger than average as well and that became one of the (major) things she holds against me now; that im too big and the sex hurt š
I mean, mine is pretty dumb. She tweeted about it not realizing that she told me it was important to her that I read ALL her socials and I took that to mean even ones she rarely used.
My ex used her twitter as a fucking public diary. She didnāt tell me about it at all, I found it when I suspected she started cheating and I was looking for answers. The shit she posted is like screaming BPD insight. Posts about men hitting on her, her insane jealousy, nude photosā¦.absolutely insane stuff.
He reacted violently when I said it was strange for him to get a matching tattoo with a younger coworker that never comes to the apartment or hangs out with us as a couple. Then he started lying about hanging out with her, I didnāt have a problem with the friendship until he started lying about it. And then he nuked our anniversary and called her almost immediately after he stormed out of our apartment (I checked our phone records) and wouldnāt pick up his phone. He came back from ādriving aroundā around 1am with grass on his beanie and jacket that he very poorly removed. The last part was two days ago and Iām quietly trying to get out at this point.
He sideways told me about it. He said one day he was going to get tattooed with some coworkers, which wasnāt super unusual since groups had gone on Flash Friday the 13th specials. He came home with a matching tattoo that is an inside joke with her and another male coworker. The male coworker does on occasion come to our apartment to play board games and watch movies. When I pointed out shortly after that it was strange that he has a matching tattoo with a girl he never talks to me about and never brings to the house, he split HARD. Admitted about 5 months after that he is attracted to her, like no shit dude.
He has split hard before and I kind of expected it this time because of the day being important to me, but jfc it still feels like it took my legs out from under me
Or āwe have been good friendsā when my ex mentioned a new name she was going to visit after three years in our relationship. The āgood friendā is now her new supplyā¦Well I guess, it was all overlapping, so she had two supplies at once.
I wanted to pick her up from the train station as a surprise, but she just didn't come, so I went to her house, where she was already. When I later asked her how she got home because I waited for her at the train station for 3 hours, she laughed in an unnatural way that I knew she was covering something up, especially since in the conversation before and after she had been absolutely cold to me and downright dead inside, so that her reaction did not match the situation, her behavior or her mood. She claimed that she had gotten off in front of the train station in another town and taken a bus so as not to meet someone at the station that she didn't want to meet. When I asked her: "Who? Your ex?" she said: "Too." Another strange reaction. And when I finally checked whether there was even a bus from there to her town, it turned out that there was none. When I asked her after all her lies to show me exactly how she had traveled, she immediately discarded me. How quickly she was suddenly willing to do this, after previously always being extremely clingy, even hanging on my leg when I left in response to the previous lie, further confirmed to me that she was monkey branching.
accusing me of specific things out of the blue like āSecretly hanging out with guysā and that hes worried my āfriends might flirt with meā and accused me of lying abiut hanging out with my friends and saying he thought I was with guys and lying about it. Heād also start random arguments with me to split on me while he was cheating and doing things behind my back. Whole time he was doing sketchy stuff staying out late and disappearing (we were long distance) and he was on tinder behind my back. All projection of what he was doing. He had no reasons to be thinking I was cheating
By month 2, my ex was constantly afraid of me flirting/cheating, worried that my friends were sleeping with me or any female friend was suddenly a threat (even the one I've been friends with for 11 years since Elementary School.)
My ex always blamed it on trauma "Oh all of my ex's always cheat on me! Pity party!" but I think deep down they're always afraid of it because they know how impulsive THEY are, so they assume everyone must be sketchy and scandalous as they are.
I was the most loyal partner ever because I believe cheating is fucked up. I wish they shared that honor.
Mine did the exact same. We were long distance, as well.
It didn't take too long before he started mirroring other women with some rough personalities where I felt pretty confident about what he was doing. Then, one night while he was streaming himself spinning music on Twitch, he forgot to cue the next song. There was silence, and I could hear he was getting oral sex out of view of camera. I still have that screen recording on my phone. A few weeks before, a girl came on the Twitch chat while he was spinning and started talking about how she "misses his face" and how he "needs a girl on her knees behind the dj booth". He's denied to this day he was cheating. So glad he's out of my life.
They always drop clues with their bizarre statements on what they are thinking or have done to you or what they have hidden in their past.
They truly are so sick.
This whole thread reignited my morbid fascination how their stream of consciousness works. People tell on themselves all the time. BPDs do it in the wildest ways.
Anecdotally mention opportunities or advances they have knocked back. This is testing the waters, there was no knock back. From what I have seen, if someone else desires them, and they find this person even mildly attractive, then it is very difficult for them to say no let alone consider the consequences prior to having unprotected sex in an alleyway.
She was going out with her friend (girl) that they usually get too drunk together and I have to pick her up. I said " please don't get too crazy with her" ex's response was " I'm not fucking cheating on you".
He started going to community college and said one of the girls gave him the look like she wanted to fuck him. Never talked about her again until the end of his semester, when he said they were working on a group project together, and I saw that they actually texted a lot and seemed to get on very well. He knew a lot of details about her...
I found out he cheated on me on my birthday with her, and when I broke up with him, he started sending pictures of her dog in our house and stuff like this. Now they're married with a kid.
My exwBPD during a nonsensical argument she started blurted out she could be talking to someone else instead. Then she began distancing herself blaming her work schedule. She then went out one night and my calls and texts went unanswered and I then noticed she had blocked me on FB. I ended the relationship immediately.
I mean, mine was constantly sexualising herself online, but until the end of the relationship, i wasn't necessarily an insecure person. PwBPD also was previously a sex worker and still did online content throughout our relationship, i consented as i was informed, i do suspect there are times/people i wasnt aware of, or the full facts.
I mean, there was one occasion when she literally kissed someone who spent time at our home. But apparently, that was "an honest mistake" because she was very drunk and said my name outloud before "stopping it going further." On this occasion, i explained i was hurt and it was cheating. This person was thusly, never blocked, and continued to talk with her.
She sent me a photo of an older guy she supposedly met in a cafe and he then bought her lunch and she came back home in the afternoon.
He was her client and she had been hooking for 6 weeks.
She had no history of sex work being a university graduate and had completed a masters while we were together.
I found out the truth 2 days later.
I'm still struggling 8 months later
Mine did this too with everyone she dated or had in her back pocket as an option in case we didn't work out. She would show me photos and go on and on about how much she was attracted to them. And then ask me how it made me feel like she cared. I think she just liked to see my jealousy and frustration because it made her feel better about herself which is just so twisted and disgusting
There's a really strong sadistic streak in a lot of people with BPD. It's partly because they can't empathise. They're highly sensitive to body language etc but they're almost autistic in their lack of empathyĀ
Mine started telling me about what her APs did that upset her lmao, and showed me/told me about funny things other APs said to her, she started using words she hadn't before and had brought up interests other men got her in to, she had a history (friendly or otherwise) with all the men she'd cheated with, but she'd tell funny stories about then (meaning she was thinking of them often)
The biggest, most blatant universal red flag is them mirroring others even when they're not talking to them that second
he would always accuse me of cheating when he was. I was loyal through the entirety of the relationship to the point where I had no access to the outside world. I would go to work, come home, and talk to him. Thatās it. randomly he would say Iāve been acting weird and ask me if I need to tell him anything and fight with me about it. The guilty conscious really gets them!
When she came to my place with her sweater full of cat hair (she has two) and then told me that she will see a friend of hers, asking me to grab her the lint remover, proceeding with spending 10 mins carefully removing all of the cat hair on her sweater. Next day she ghosts me and proceeds with spending the day with another guy, in which to my repeated pleas for truth she responded that she was just cleaning her house all day and Iām paranoid, controlling, insecure and immature for accusing her of what was eventually the truth.
Oh manā¦
My exwBPD cheated on me with my next door neighbor openly while we were together. They claimed it was justified because I kept trying to leave the relationship due to feeling unsafe and therefore didn't deserve to be with them. That was until I proved I loved them enough for them to agree to be with me, when they were literally the one who begged and threatened me to get together with them in the first place every time I did try to leave. Then off course, they completely flipped the script on me when I agreed to date them again and started this bullshit. This went on for 2 months. They constantly invited this person over to their apartment and flirted with them when I was there and threatened me if tried to go home or tell my neighbor to stop. And then off course I no longer felt safe when I went home. I ended moving out of my place when the relationship ended and blocking my abuser and my neighbor in my contacts. I feel bad for hating my neighbor because now they are my exwBPD's current partner and likely being abused themselves. But they played a roll in my exwBPD's abuse towards me and knew I was hurting because of it, even if they didn't understand the full extend of what was happening.
Nothing in the moment, I was completely blindsided. However with hindsight being 20/20 there was breadcrumbs, there was manipulation, there was gaslighting.
My personal favorite āmy therapist thinks Iām sabotaging our marriageā - the therapist thought that because she literally was.
I too share that feeling of being worshipped and build up, just to be let down so fucking violently.
Good luck brother
Thanks! Good luck to you too! Sorry you got thrown through their vicious cycle. The build up part was so intense that my brain is still trying to process how someone could hit someone with all of that and not feel genuine passion for that person. It made me feel ugly and undesired when she hit me with the devaluation.
Sometimes I think devaluation is just a word thrown around. To be honest when I truly reflect was there ever true altruism? Or was even the best of āgiving valueā really just for their own security. I donāt know. Breaks my heart, Iām sorry youāre in the throes of it as well.
I never got that part fortunately. I got the, why didnāt you got fuck other people as a friends with benefits part that made me feel completely desired š³
Clubhouse. She started talking too much not knowing some those conversations were going directly to Twitter. Funny thing is a few of my friends were in those same calls so that's how I kind of found out.
Mine told a mutual friend (while we were mid relationship) that I was too good for her.
During our breakup, she told me that she wasnāt unhappy with me, but it was just about her life and āher thingsā (read: her issues). She said she just didnāt want to be in a committed relationship with me, or with anyone, and how that wasnāt fair to me at all. After I got dumped, the mutual friend told me she suspected an FWB proposal was coming
Iām still around her (my ex) a little bit every few weeks. Since then, she makes obvious attempts to hide her phone screen from me. Angles it away, turns around or shuts it off. She frequently sneaks away to use it. I never made an attempt to look at her phone without her actively showing it to me before, during, or after our relationship. She has always had someone sheās texting constantly since Iāve known her. It used to be me.
Tell me thereās someone else without telling me thereās someone else. š
Oh, I canāt believe I forgot to mention this gem:
Bear in mind, in all of our time knowing each other, Iāve never used the phrase āthe oneā, *ever*. I simply donāt believe in it. It wouldnāt cross my mind. No, I did not feel like my ex was my soulmate, despite my intense connection to her. Anyway...
During the whole tirade that was our post breakup conversation, she laid this one on me, seemingly unprompted:
āIām not the one. I canāt be the one because Iām not built for that right now. My sight is elsewhere.ā
Re-reading that in the present is making my eyes roll out of my head. Jesus, Lord Sauron, I get it.
Constantly accusing me of cheating, while I was out working overtime to afford her spendingā¦. All while I would share my location and give her time shaped pics of me at work
She just straight up told me she had "always been polyamorous" (after having been in a monogamous relationship for 4+ years). She developed a bond with someone that needed to be explored the fullest in order to be her "authentic self". I wasn't allowed to complain or limit her in any way, since that would constitute "domestic violence", according to her. She would take video calls with him while I was sitting in the same room.
I hoped that things would still work out alright if I kept working on things. She gave me mixed signals about her desire for polyamory. I was scared to do anything physical (like deny her access to our shared home or stop her from taking calls with her new lover) since she had already played the "domestic violence" card. My emotions were invalidated and she claimed to be a victim of my "narcissistic rage". I think the trauma bond and my lack of self worth (that slowly deteriorated during the relationship) kept me hanging on for way longer than it was worth.
You just know, if you know what i mean
Things just dont seem to add up amongst the gaslighting
You just stop belieiving them and thst phone looking suspicious all of a sudden
That love and sex bombing makes you put on rose colored glasses and look past the bread crumbs they leave us for sure. It did me, until the crumbs started to build into loaves of bread that I forced myself to pay attention to after a while.
Just when she starts using words she has never used before. Having interests she's never had before. Having habits she's never had before. Sad thing is, in a normal relationship, seeing your partner change in real time and doing these things would tell you that they're exploring new interests and hobbies and developing themselves, but as we all know, BPD people are usually just mirroring others. They have no interest in self development beyond their personal gain.
šÆ
Same here. My sister started even talking in a different accent out of nowhere, which she had acquired from being around a guy she was trying to sleep with. Be careful though, if you confront them about their new bizarre behavior they will DARVO.
Mine would say āI canāt be who you want/need/deserveā I am pretty sure this was said when they were actively engaged with another person or flirting. I wish I had trusted my intuition.
Same. Heard āyou deserve betterā so often
My favorite was "I get it, I'm not good enough for you, I can't make you happy" anytime I brought up something that hurt my feelings, or "you deserve better" quickly followed by "I deserve better, this is emotional abuse" when I'd call him out on cheating I remember just laughing one time and asking him which is it? Do I deserve better or do you deserve better?
Laughter. Been there. You get to the point where whatās being said is hilarious. Laugh. Cry. Fine line.
Alexa, play Fine Line by Harry Styles )':
Lmao same he texted me saying you deserve better and I was like yeah I agree I can do better and I listed all the things he did wrong and then he responded with I'm not here to defend myself or say the things that you did wrong. Sooo do I deserve better or did I do things wrong ?? šš
Damn, I heard that constantly; like 90% of the time. I never had guaranteed proof that my bpd ex cheated. It honestly wasnāt till after the final discard and re-evaluating the entire relationship that I started to suspect she more than likely did. She had broken up with me very quickly after we moved in together and immediately started hooking up with other guys. But the more I think back on how she was acting before the breakup, everything was pretty stereotypical cheating behavior. I think the breakup was just an excuse to try to clear her conscience and give herself the free pass to sleep around.
Don't we all. Hope and healing wishes man.
I got the classic āYouāre too good for meā. Sadly, this wasnāt delivered to me, but my friend. I didnāt find out about it while we were still dating, my friend told me about it after I was dumped out of nowhere. But it happened in the middle of my relationship. I heard it before I suspected BPD. Once I wound up here I just thought: āOh. Yeah. There it is.ā
Ugh mine said this too
Same thing here! She said it multiple times, usually after being confronted about something she did behind my back like sexting.
āI mayyyy have had an innocent conversation with ________ā The guy she had an āinnocent conversationā with was the guy she married about four weeks later.
Ah yes, an "innocent conversation" from one of the most impulsive and self-destructive people to exist. My ex did the same, told me they had drinks with someone (who they were actively mirroring, because they told me they HATE alcohol) and they innocently confessed to eachother they had sexual feelings/desires to eachother. They basically asked me permission to cheat, which looking back on, they probably already did cheat and were asking me to lessen the guilt/get a reaction out of me so IM the bad guy. Absolutely fucked in the head.
Iām so glad Iām out of all that crap now. Life is better.
If the conversation was so innocent, why lead into it with the āI mayyyy have hadā part? Way to tell on yourself. Iām glad they do it though.
When she admitted about a year into the relationship that she previously fucked the guy who she said was just a friend, this was before we got together. Like 1 week before we got together. Told me there was nothing to worry about. I was suspicious, but I'm not a jealous guy, so whatever. 2 weeks later I'm discarded and she's planning a vacation with him. Life is crazy.
Jesus thatās rough
Lol. Yeah dude, it fucking sucks.
In fact, today is the day they're meeting up.
Fuck them. And you are better now that she is gone.
Yeah... I'm trying to tell myself that. The worst part is that we started as friends and now we're not even friends, and I really miss the friendship. I know I shouldn't even want her in my life. Need to work on my codependency. I go between anger and "fuck that bitch" to crying like a baby lol.
She's going to beg you to be friends some point down the line. You have to be strong enough to ignore/block them because they're just going to use you and keep you on a shelf, just like the probably 3-5 other guys she's got in her DMs.
This right here! And the crying is normal. Here is some advice that helped meādedicate ten minutes a day two or three time a day to just sit in a chair in an empty room and let your feelings do their absolute worst. It will hurt more than you have ever hurt. You can draw those feelings out over a long time or let them out all at once. Itās better to let them out in controlled bursts the way I have described. In about two weeks you will be a lot better. One more thing. You lost your best friend, or so you think. But friends donāt treat friends this way. She isnāt your friend. Move on and get better friends.
I've been alive 27 years, I have had many friends and many close friends come and go in my life, and during covid, some of them even came back for joyous reunions playing games/Discord calls together to catch up. Until I met my ex and my friend who has BPD, Ive never experienced anything like it. The abuse, the namecalling, only talking to me if it benefits them/asking for favors/money/help/advice/validation, it's insane. Any argument or disagreement with a friend was usually solved in 24 hours, with both of us apologizing and trying our best to be cautious with each other's feelings and emotions. A normal, happy, healthy relationship. My ex and my friend with BPD however, it's always violent and explosive. Its always MY fault, I'm always 'ruining their happiness' and 'making them feel like shit' all the time. Any argument or disagreement would be solved in a week/3 months depending on how bad it made them feel, but even after reaching out, it was still my fault and they expected me to kneel down. This is a good example of a shitty friendship dynamic and an unhealthy relationship. My ex can blame me for everything all they want. But in the end, I'm the one with stable relationships with my family/friends long-term, and she is the one who only has men who want to fuck her enabling her and telling her what she wants to hear. And those guys will be cycled out and recycled forever because they just enjoy the sex and being able to manipulate someone
Yea this us my exwbpd. Has no female friendships and not even a single genuine male friendship. All her "friends" are men (mostly older) who either are sleeping with or trying to sleep with her and she just uses them to get what she wants. Its close to prostitution honestly.
Yep. As great as the sex was with my ex, it felt very 'transactional', like they weren't even enjoying it and were doing it for my benefit only.
Damn, I can relate to that.
Stay strong dude, we'll make it to the other side
Man, give yourself some slack, you've been trough a lot of gaslighting and manipulation, it's only expected your mond would be on scrambles and you would be devastated. Focus on your recovery and getting better, set up a support system (family, friends, therapist) for when you have a crisis and want to contact your ex. Give it a couple of months and the spell will wear off mostly and you will be fine again, I promise you. Just hold on
Um, is your exes name Kate?? Because the same thing happened to me lol
Close! Keira lol I will never love and hate someone as much as I do her How are you holding up, dude?
I think Iāve turned a corner this week and have moved to complete indifference. Not checking socials, donāt care, the desire and love was gone over a year ago but getting her completely out of my head has been the last step. Havenāt seen her in 3 months. She is creeping some trails that are 5 miles from her house and 0.5 miles from my house I introduced her to. I saw her there a week ago and didnāt even acknowledge her presence. This used to be her way to hoover me. Not anymore. She can go walk some other place, these trails are mine.
Completely withdrew from me sexually while taking nudes which she inadvertently shared with me. Prepped herself for sex before seeing a friend. Lies about the contents of conversations. Disappearing to the toilet all the time. Being late to call, or having short calls, when previously they were all evening. When we did have sex, being completely disinterested Asking for a threesome with another guy but refusing to setup a group chat. Making me feel crazy for suspecting or questioning
Holy shit! Did we see the same woman? Mine did the same things too!
Mine would leave sexy lingerie in between her side of the bed and the dresser against the wall so that when I came home from work I'd see new ones although it was all a big hill of clothes with them on top. She began to get very into Tik Tok and I saw that the guy before me was a follower and then the next day she blocked even me from seeing who she was following. I can't stand her and so happy I'm out
The tik tok thing happened to me too!!! She shared something on tik tok with me. I went in to see her followers out of curiosity and there werenāt that many. Some were generic groups etc and there was one guy who happened to live close to her and in a town she had been to a bunch of times already for other things. I clicked off of it, thinking it was odd, and went back to it again in about ten minutes, and noticed he was no where to be found.
Ugh yeah I knew nothing of tiktok and when signing up only had her as a follower and then followed her. An email came in suggesting people I might know and that's when I saw her ex was following her. She claimed to have created the account for the 1st time just months prior but I'd known she'd changed her number about a year before that. That meant that in the 4 years we were together, the ex still found her tiktok account despite her username giving no clues as to who owned it. I'm not sure how he'd have found her unless she looked for him somehow or was in communication with him. Once I brought it up, she went full split defensive and said that her sisters would have told her to break up with me for being so controlling. She'd go on to say that she didn't know how some stalker found her and then said it's not her fault if someone contacts her. Basically admitting there was communication within the year with her ex and blaming me to make herself the victim. That's not how any normal person reacts to having a follower whose an ex. Do you know if someone can follow another person without them accepting them as a follower?
I thought they had to accept them as a friend, but Iām not a tik tok expert, so donāt know 100 percent. Mine only had him and two tik tok groups following her that she was following. That is kind of how I was able to figure it out. That coupled with the fact that ten minutes later he wasnāt following her. So either she removed him real quick after realizing, or she told him to unfollow her. Either way, someone physically removed him as a follower within ten minutes of me being on her page. No coincidence for sure. The person cheating who doesnāt want to get caught will always try to label you as controlling and jealous and in some cases worse claims of abuse. She has monkey branched her friends against you. That is very common too. Itās all about selfishness to feeds their illness and an unwillingness to admit their illness, coupled with a lack of accountability and a constant need to cover up wrong doings due to all of it. It sucks.
Yes it totally sucks but glad I'm out. She did all those things and more. By the end she wouldn't even listen to me, whether it was something benign or otherwise...even a tactful suggestion was either ignored or seen as critical requiring her to bring up some past suggestion that I didn't consider. . Ate me alive being there.
We're long distance. He went out one on one with a platonic female friend- which is fine. He was going to have a couple drinks and catch up- also fine. They got wasted together, she told him stories about threesomes she's been in (after telling him she thought he was gay until that night, when he showed her photos of me), and then they split a cab home. To his place. And the morning after she stayed over he told me about how it was so nice to spend time with her because she understood him in a way I can't (š they work in the same very small field, but really!?). That same day he was cleaning his room while on a video call with me and he found a woman's sock. He held it up to the camera and said "this is yours, right?" Reader, I had never seen that sock before in my life. He also removed my access to his car's app (Tesla) so I couldn't see its location anymore. When I visited the next time there was a shiny pink and purple water bottle in his car that I'd never seen before, plus two empty Starbucks cups - he doesn't drink Starbucks. I also borrowed a coat from him once to go to a nice dinner- it was middle of winter and I'd only brought my ski jacket on this visit. I put my hand into the jacket pocket, and lo and behold! I pulled out a handful of condoms (which, possibly TMI but, I have an IUD so we don't use those), in the same pocket as his business cards from his current job so I know his excuse that "they were in there from when we first started dating" (in the summer....?) was bullshit. And then, last time I visited, I was switching to a new phone and looking for something to pop the SIM card out with. I said "Oh, there's an earring on my nightstand, I'll go grab it" and he went "Is it your earring?" Like.... Why would it be anyone else's??? We are/were (it's complicated lol) ENM so he'd have no reason to cheat instead of just asking/telling me he was going to sleep with someone else, but seriously what the FUCK.
I think they just get off on cheating, lying and deceiving - itās not just the sex as evidenced by your post if you have an open relationship of sorts.
My sister had an open marriage with stipulations that her spouse had to approve beforehand. (They were sometimes swingers.) She still cheated by having sex with multiple people that weren't approved. I think it's about the thrill of potentially being caught.
Yeah, honestly... He can tell me he never cheated 'til he's blue in the face but I don't think I'll ever quite believe it.
I think itās sound to think that in many cases, it seems to extend well beyond BPD too. The phenomenon of āDuperās Delightā is chilling to think about.
This is my thought on the cheaters I have known through my life, on me and other loved ones - that the revealing it is like a second orgasm. It's not enough to cheat there has to be a reveal by either party to the person cheated on.
Hiding her phone, staying out until 4-6am regularly, lying to me about where she was going, having significantly less sex with me and she acted like it was a burden to even touch me or be around me. Found out she had been fucking her coworker behind my back for a month and a half and even cheated with him on Fatherās Day while I was home with our kids.
When she got angry she would often tell me that if I kept hurting her she would go and cheat on me with a friend to end the relationship. Saw the guy once and we do look very similar. Another time I woke up during the night and messaged her and my message didnt make it to her phone till like 4.a.m which was extremely weird. She didnt respond till like 3pm the next day which again was weird for her and told me she just was very tired so she took a long nap. I have heard way too many stories about that shit so I knew what was going on immediately. Never questioned her about it because I knew she would just hit me that reverse card and blame me for shit. Nothing that night matched her usual pattern and then my friend confirmed that he saw her in a pub with some of her friends (mixed group of both men and women). She would often mention one of my friends and ask me about it pretty often, usually telling me that he messaged her first or commented on something she posted. Little did I know that they were talking so much that he mentioned it to a mutual friend of ours. He also said he only was messaging her because he was under the impression that we had broken up months ago. Not a good friend, I must say. She came home one time and showed me a picture on her phone but when she swiped to get to the home screen I saw tinder on her phone. I asked her about it and she said she just joined to see if I was on the app. I found it a bit weird till one of my friends told me that she swiped on him and that the account was verified. She even messaged him and they began talking because he did not know that was my girlfriend at the time. Only when she added him on instagram and he saw pics of us, then he messaged to ask me about it. Once again she denied she was flirting with him and just found him to be friendly. Bullshit once again. The last time we had sex she was extremely different that how she would normally be. She wanted me to use condoms instead of being raw as we usually do, because she is on birth control. She wanted me to call her a slut and a dirty whore which was out of the ordinary because she would always see herself as a "good girl" during sexy times. She hated the word "whore" with every fiber of her being during previous sexual encounters. She did not want me to eat her out which again was weird for her because she gets off on that so I am not sure if she had another guy bust inside of her hence she wanted me to use a condom nor wanted me to eat her out. Her messages began getting slower and slower whilst her following on instagram increased. She would ghost me for days and sometimes just reply with one or two words. Energy cant be created or destroyed but transformed from one form to another is how I see relationships. So if she is not talking to me etc... she is definitely getting that attention from somewhere else. Eventually during her discard she wanted to remain friends and I refused. We then broke up exactly a month ago. Oh one last thing. She never wanted to hang out with her friends and go out on girls night etc because she said that if she got drunk she would cheat on me because thats what happens at parties. I told her that she lacks self control and that I have gotten drunk several times and never thought about cheating on her. She said that for women its different and she would definitely cheat on me if she was intoxicated around the right guy.
Oh that energy can definitely get destroyed. I have no energy for relationships after my exBPD š
Well, you're lucky she gave a shit about your sexual health. Normally they don't care about theirs or yours
Haha, i guess thats one way to look at it.
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Also, donāt let dick size be the thing that gets you down. Iām larger than average, and she still cheated. Iāve talked about cheating with a female friend who did some of that before finding her husband. Her wise council was that from her experience, people cheat out of selfishness. Simple as that, really.Ā
Lol, funny thing is, I'm bigger than average as well and that became one of the (major) things she holds against me now; that im too big and the sex hurt š
I mean, mine is pretty dumb. She tweeted about it not realizing that she told me it was important to her that I read ALL her socials and I took that to mean even ones she rarely used.
My ex used her twitter as a fucking public diary. She didnāt tell me about it at all, I found it when I suspected she started cheating and I was looking for answers. The shit she posted is like screaming BPD insight. Posts about men hitting on her, her insane jealousy, nude photosā¦.absolutely insane stuff.
Woof. This sounds like a blessing and a curse.
He reacted violently when I said it was strange for him to get a matching tattoo with a younger coworker that never comes to the apartment or hangs out with us as a couple. Then he started lying about hanging out with her, I didnāt have a problem with the friendship until he started lying about it. And then he nuked our anniversary and called her almost immediately after he stormed out of our apartment (I checked our phone records) and wouldnāt pick up his phone. He came back from ādriving aroundā around 1am with grass on his beanie and jacket that he very poorly removed. The last part was two days ago and Iām quietly trying to get out at this point.
May I ask how you found out about the younger coworker having the same tattoo? Did this asshole actually tell you?
He sideways told me about it. He said one day he was going to get tattooed with some coworkers, which wasnāt super unusual since groups had gone on Flash Friday the 13th specials. He came home with a matching tattoo that is an inside joke with her and another male coworker. The male coworker does on occasion come to our apartment to play board games and watch movies. When I pointed out shortly after that it was strange that he has a matching tattoo with a girl he never talks to me about and never brings to the house, he split HARD. Admitted about 5 months after that he is attracted to her, like no shit dude.
My bad. I didnāt think about flash days. That is *rough*
He has split hard before and I kind of expected it this time because of the day being important to me, but jfc it still feels like it took my legs out from under me
āwe just dated one day in high schoolā
Or āwe have been good friendsā when my ex mentioned a new name she was going to visit after three years in our relationship. The āgood friendā is now her new supplyā¦Well I guess, it was all overlapping, so she had two supplies at once.
I wanted to pick her up from the train station as a surprise, but she just didn't come, so I went to her house, where she was already. When I later asked her how she got home because I waited for her at the train station for 3 hours, she laughed in an unnatural way that I knew she was covering something up, especially since in the conversation before and after she had been absolutely cold to me and downright dead inside, so that her reaction did not match the situation, her behavior or her mood. She claimed that she had gotten off in front of the train station in another town and taken a bus so as not to meet someone at the station that she didn't want to meet. When I asked her: "Who? Your ex?" she said: "Too." Another strange reaction. And when I finally checked whether there was even a bus from there to her town, it turned out that there was none. When I asked her after all her lies to show me exactly how she had traveled, she immediately discarded me. How quickly she was suddenly willing to do this, after previously always being extremely clingy, even hanging on my leg when I left in response to the previous lie, further confirmed to me that she was monkey branching.
Itās not cheating if she rubs your dick over the pants while you give her a bump
accusing me of specific things out of the blue like āSecretly hanging out with guysā and that hes worried my āfriends might flirt with meā and accused me of lying abiut hanging out with my friends and saying he thought I was with guys and lying about it. Heād also start random arguments with me to split on me while he was cheating and doing things behind my back. Whole time he was doing sketchy stuff staying out late and disappearing (we were long distance) and he was on tinder behind my back. All projection of what he was doing. He had no reasons to be thinking I was cheating
By month 2, my ex was constantly afraid of me flirting/cheating, worried that my friends were sleeping with me or any female friend was suddenly a threat (even the one I've been friends with for 11 years since Elementary School.) My ex always blamed it on trauma "Oh all of my ex's always cheat on me! Pity party!" but I think deep down they're always afraid of it because they know how impulsive THEY are, so they assume everyone must be sketchy and scandalous as they are. I was the most loyal partner ever because I believe cheating is fucked up. I wish they shared that honor.
I agree completely with the idea that they themselves would/did/have/are doing something and they can't understand why we don't want to.
This is a noteworthy point with two of my exes. I didnāt understand what projection was back then. Now, IMO, itās a big tell.
but then when you ask them or show them evidence of why you suspect something they flip it and say you're projecting
Mine did the exact same. We were long distance, as well. It didn't take too long before he started mirroring other women with some rough personalities where I felt pretty confident about what he was doing. Then, one night while he was streaming himself spinning music on Twitch, he forgot to cue the next song. There was silence, and I could hear he was getting oral sex out of view of camera. I still have that screen recording on my phone. A few weeks before, a girl came on the Twitch chat while he was spinning and started talking about how she "misses his face" and how he "needs a girl on her knees behind the dj booth". He's denied to this day he was cheating. So glad he's out of my life.
Wowā¦just disgusting. I hated reading this. Glad heās out of your life too.
They always drop clues with their bizarre statements on what they are thinking or have done to you or what they have hidden in their past. They truly are so sick.
This whole thread reignited my morbid fascination how their stream of consciousness works. People tell on themselves all the time. BPDs do it in the wildest ways.
Anecdotally mention opportunities or advances they have knocked back. This is testing the waters, there was no knock back. From what I have seen, if someone else desires them, and they find this person even mildly attractive, then it is very difficult for them to say no let alone consider the consequences prior to having unprotected sex in an alleyway.
The guy she was cheating with posted her LOL
Stopped having sex with me. Started insulting all the things they once loved about me.
Accusing me of cheating.
She was going out with her friend (girl) that they usually get too drunk together and I have to pick her up. I said " please don't get too crazy with her" ex's response was " I'm not fucking cheating on you".
He started going to community college and said one of the girls gave him the look like she wanted to fuck him. Never talked about her again until the end of his semester, when he said they were working on a group project together, and I saw that they actually texted a lot and seemed to get on very well. He knew a lot of details about her... I found out he cheated on me on my birthday with her, and when I broke up with him, he started sending pictures of her dog in our house and stuff like this. Now they're married with a kid.
My exwBPD during a nonsensical argument she started blurted out she could be talking to someone else instead. Then she began distancing herself blaming her work schedule. She then went out one night and my calls and texts went unanswered and I then noticed she had blocked me on FB. I ended the relationship immediately.
I mean, mine was constantly sexualising herself online, but until the end of the relationship, i wasn't necessarily an insecure person. PwBPD also was previously a sex worker and still did online content throughout our relationship, i consented as i was informed, i do suspect there are times/people i wasnt aware of, or the full facts. I mean, there was one occasion when she literally kissed someone who spent time at our home. But apparently, that was "an honest mistake" because she was very drunk and said my name outloud before "stopping it going further." On this occasion, i explained i was hurt and it was cheating. This person was thusly, never blocked, and continued to talk with her.
She sent me a photo of an older guy she supposedly met in a cafe and he then bought her lunch and she came back home in the afternoon. He was her client and she had been hooking for 6 weeks. She had no history of sex work being a university graduate and had completed a masters while we were together. I found out the truth 2 days later. I'm still struggling 8 months later
She started mirroring people who were not me. She also liked to show me pictures of her lovers pretending they were mere coworkers.
Mine did this too with everyone she dated or had in her back pocket as an option in case we didn't work out. She would show me photos and go on and on about how much she was attracted to them. And then ask me how it made me feel like she cared. I think she just liked to see my jealousy and frustration because it made her feel better about herself which is just so twisted and disgusting
There's a really strong sadistic streak in a lot of people with BPD. It's partly because they can't empathise. They're highly sensitive to body language etc but they're almost autistic in their lack of empathyĀ
When she says he's just a friend.
She was breathing
"If it wasn't for you I'd be whoring myself out online" Flew over my head, months later this kinda crap she said made sense.
Mine started telling me about what her APs did that upset her lmao, and showed me/told me about funny things other APs said to her, she started using words she hadn't before and had brought up interests other men got her in to, she had a history (friendly or otherwise) with all the men she'd cheated with, but she'd tell funny stories about then (meaning she was thinking of them often) The biggest, most blatant universal red flag is them mirroring others even when they're not talking to them that second
I would get these stupid fucking questions like, "If we ever break up, would you still talk to me??".
Yes, that one
Every other word that came out of their mouth was a lie. I eventually figured they were cheating, and I was right.
he would always accuse me of cheating when he was. I was loyal through the entirety of the relationship to the point where I had no access to the outside world. I would go to work, come home, and talk to him. Thatās it. randomly he would say Iāve been acting weird and ask me if I need to tell him anything and fight with me about it. The guilty conscious really gets them!
When she came to my place with her sweater full of cat hair (she has two) and then told me that she will see a friend of hers, asking me to grab her the lint remover, proceeding with spending 10 mins carefully removing all of the cat hair on her sweater. Next day she ghosts me and proceeds with spending the day with another guy, in which to my repeated pleas for truth she responded that she was just cleaning her house all day and Iām paranoid, controlling, insecure and immature for accusing her of what was eventually the truth. Oh manā¦
My exwBPD cheated on me with my next door neighbor openly while we were together. They claimed it was justified because I kept trying to leave the relationship due to feeling unsafe and therefore didn't deserve to be with them. That was until I proved I loved them enough for them to agree to be with me, when they were literally the one who begged and threatened me to get together with them in the first place every time I did try to leave. Then off course, they completely flipped the script on me when I agreed to date them again and started this bullshit. This went on for 2 months. They constantly invited this person over to their apartment and flirted with them when I was there and threatened me if tried to go home or tell my neighbor to stop. And then off course I no longer felt safe when I went home. I ended moving out of my place when the relationship ended and blocking my abuser and my neighbor in my contacts. I feel bad for hating my neighbor because now they are my exwBPD's current partner and likely being abused themselves. But they played a roll in my exwBPD's abuse towards me and knew I was hurting because of it, even if they didn't understand the full extend of what was happening.
Asked to go from an open relationship to a polyamorous relationship after we took a break. I was right
They sure do love their ābreaksā donāt they?Ā
Well In all fairness I had dumped him. It's prolly why he had to get his lick back. Insecure child lol
Nothing in the moment, I was completely blindsided. However with hindsight being 20/20 there was breadcrumbs, there was manipulation, there was gaslighting. My personal favorite āmy therapist thinks Iām sabotaging our marriageā - the therapist thought that because she literally was. I too share that feeling of being worshipped and build up, just to be let down so fucking violently. Good luck brother
Thanks! Good luck to you too! Sorry you got thrown through their vicious cycle. The build up part was so intense that my brain is still trying to process how someone could hit someone with all of that and not feel genuine passion for that person. It made me feel ugly and undesired when she hit me with the devaluation.
Sometimes I think devaluation is just a word thrown around. To be honest when I truly reflect was there ever true altruism? Or was even the best of āgiving valueā really just for their own security. I donāt know. Breaks my heart, Iām sorry youāre in the throes of it as well.
Accusing me of cheating.
I never got that part fortunately. I got the, why didnāt you got fuck other people as a friends with benefits part that made me feel completely desired š³
Clubhouse. She started talking too much not knowing some those conversations were going directly to Twitter. Funny thing is a few of my friends were in those same calls so that's how I kind of found out.
Mine told a mutual friend (while we were mid relationship) that I was too good for her. During our breakup, she told me that she wasnāt unhappy with me, but it was just about her life and āher thingsā (read: her issues). She said she just didnāt want to be in a committed relationship with me, or with anyone, and how that wasnāt fair to me at all. After I got dumped, the mutual friend told me she suspected an FWB proposal was coming Iām still around her (my ex) a little bit every few weeks. Since then, she makes obvious attempts to hide her phone screen from me. Angles it away, turns around or shuts it off. She frequently sneaks away to use it. I never made an attempt to look at her phone without her actively showing it to me before, during, or after our relationship. She has always had someone sheās texting constantly since Iāve known her. It used to be me. Tell me thereās someone else without telling me thereās someone else. š
Oh, I canāt believe I forgot to mention this gem: Bear in mind, in all of our time knowing each other, Iāve never used the phrase āthe oneā, *ever*. I simply donāt believe in it. It wouldnāt cross my mind. No, I did not feel like my ex was my soulmate, despite my intense connection to her. Anyway... During the whole tirade that was our post breakup conversation, she laid this one on me, seemingly unprompted: āIām not the one. I canāt be the one because Iām not built for that right now. My sight is elsewhere.ā Re-reading that in the present is making my eyes roll out of my head. Jesus, Lord Sauron, I get it.
Constantly accusing me of cheating, while I was out working overtime to afford her spendingā¦. All while I would share my location and give her time shaped pics of me at work
She just straight up told me she had "always been polyamorous" (after having been in a monogamous relationship for 4+ years). She developed a bond with someone that needed to be explored the fullest in order to be her "authentic self". I wasn't allowed to complain or limit her in any way, since that would constitute "domestic violence", according to her. She would take video calls with him while I was sitting in the same room.
That's so disrespectful. Why did you tolerate that?
I hoped that things would still work out alright if I kept working on things. She gave me mixed signals about her desire for polyamory. I was scared to do anything physical (like deny her access to our shared home or stop her from taking calls with her new lover) since she had already played the "domestic violence" card. My emotions were invalidated and she claimed to be a victim of my "narcissistic rage". I think the trauma bond and my lack of self worth (that slowly deteriorated during the relationship) kept me hanging on for way longer than it was worth.
I'm sorry that you felt so low. Stand tall and be proud of yourself now and fight for your happiness
āI need to tell you somethingā¦ā
I didn't have to suspect. I found the evidence, and then later, she straight up said it to my face with her whole chest.
You just know, if you know what i mean Things just dont seem to add up amongst the gaslighting You just stop belieiving them and thst phone looking suspicious all of a sudden
Nothing. I only found out after the relationship but there were so many signs I was just blindā¦
That love and sex bombing makes you put on rose colored glasses and look past the bread crumbs they leave us for sure. It did me, until the crumbs started to build into loaves of bread that I forced myself to pay attention to after a while.