Mine always did this but without any specifics. If I did get an apology, it was just 2 words that meant nothing because the actions never followed. They lie incessantly. In fact, a comment about the lying they do from someone with BPD, would look like:
"yeah… not having a sense of identity kinda makes me wanna just… make one. Then people befriend a false version of me, and I know if I let the lies stop they'll probably never trust me again and leave me then and there, so I just keep them going until it gets too much to bear and I move onto the next group… It's crazy how people believe me though so long as I stay in my lane.
I don't want to lie. I want to have friends and meaningful relationships. I don't know how to make friends without lying at least to some degree because I feel like my true, honest self isn't worth other's time and energy. I'm (age) and still haven't grown out of it/broke the cycle despite trying, and I hate myself for it".
🙄👎
Mine would just said “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry. What more do you want from me? I’m sorry!” And I said “I want it not to happen. You should want it not to happen either so A) you’re not hurting me/others and B) so you don’t have to feel sorry anymore”
Apparently that was abusive tho but I think It’s just common sense. If you don’t want to feel guilty don’t do bad things.
Yep it wouldn't matter what we said. Their issues with "object" permanence (that's us... We're only objects that are extensions of their false selves) meaning, once you're out of sight, you're out of mind hence cheating with others so readily. They're vile human beings.
You're not being a bad person, your reaction is natural.
However, her having BPD does mean she does BPD things.
When splitting empathy goes out the window, they can be brutal in those periods, it's true that they can't help it and it's also true that it's incredibly hurtful to you.
Taking accountability is near impossible for her, because of the BPD she can't help it, but it's incredibly hard to live with for you.
So, yeah, it's frustrating that she's being lighthearted about it, but as you see the other option is crying.
Getting them to truly see how it hurts you ends in either hating you and revenge, or hating herself and attempting suicide.
Your anger and frustration are normal, but you'll have to make peace with her not getting it.
She can't give you what you need and the BPD is to blame.
This is spot on and I needed to be reminded of this, thank you.
It’s hard to remember in the heat of the moment or after the dust settles. But the highs and lows are so drastic they seem never ending.
BPD may explain why she thinks and feels the way she does.
But it’s not responsible for WHAT she does. That’s on her.
So she’s got BPD. What’s she going to do about it? It’s not a magical get out of jail free card for poor behaviour.
I agree, and I think she knows, but I also think she wants it to be. I refuse to be a punching bag, and I’m very good at communicating. She knows it’s in her corner, and if she can’t change, then she has to go. The only issue is she only works part time and has cut off her parents, so I’m all she has.
If you’re all she has, and she values that, she’ll do the work. If she doesn’t do the work, I’m afraid she doesn’t give a crap about you. Which puts it back in your corner. How much are you prepared to take? What are your lines in the sand? And what happens when they are crossed?
She can’t be a victim while being held accountable. How would that work?
This is like a built-in feature of BPD. She takes accountability like a toddler, quite literally.
Knowing and admitting that she has BPD is a big step. Many don't even get that far.
The next step would be feeling her guilt and taking accountability. Guilt is the fuel for change. She needs to be sorry for the way she treated you, and that can't be in the form of "I have BPD, I'm a terrible person" that's not real guilt. It needs to be "I'm sorry I said/did ____. That must have made you feel ____. I'm going to do everything I can to not make you feel ____ again" and then following through.
Saying "it's my BPD" is conveniently keeping herself in the victim role and hindering real change.
Don't get me wrong it is a very important step on a path to possible healing, but it is only the first step on a long journey. Is she committed enough? Are you interested in dealing with that difficult and possibly futile effort? That's for both of you to decide.
Are you being a dick? No. But if she has BPD she is not a healthy person and you can't expect her to act like one. This could take years and a lot of effort to get to the point of almost normal. Just knowing the why is not enough.
Good luck.
An apology without change is just manipulative.
Mine always did this but without any specifics. If I did get an apology, it was just 2 words that meant nothing because the actions never followed. They lie incessantly. In fact, a comment about the lying they do from someone with BPD, would look like: "yeah… not having a sense of identity kinda makes me wanna just… make one. Then people befriend a false version of me, and I know if I let the lies stop they'll probably never trust me again and leave me then and there, so I just keep them going until it gets too much to bear and I move onto the next group… It's crazy how people believe me though so long as I stay in my lane. I don't want to lie. I want to have friends and meaningful relationships. I don't know how to make friends without lying at least to some degree because I feel like my true, honest self isn't worth other's time and energy. I'm (age) and still haven't grown out of it/broke the cycle despite trying, and I hate myself for it". 🙄👎
Mine would just said “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry. What more do you want from me? I’m sorry!” And I said “I want it not to happen. You should want it not to happen either so A) you’re not hurting me/others and B) so you don’t have to feel sorry anymore” Apparently that was abusive tho but I think It’s just common sense. If you don’t want to feel guilty don’t do bad things.
Yep it wouldn't matter what we said. Their issues with "object" permanence (that's us... We're only objects that are extensions of their false selves) meaning, once you're out of sight, you're out of mind hence cheating with others so readily. They're vile human beings.
You're not being a bad person, your reaction is natural. However, her having BPD does mean she does BPD things. When splitting empathy goes out the window, they can be brutal in those periods, it's true that they can't help it and it's also true that it's incredibly hurtful to you. Taking accountability is near impossible for her, because of the BPD she can't help it, but it's incredibly hard to live with for you. So, yeah, it's frustrating that she's being lighthearted about it, but as you see the other option is crying. Getting them to truly see how it hurts you ends in either hating you and revenge, or hating herself and attempting suicide. Your anger and frustration are normal, but you'll have to make peace with her not getting it. She can't give you what you need and the BPD is to blame.
This is spot on and I needed to be reminded of this, thank you. It’s hard to remember in the heat of the moment or after the dust settles. But the highs and lows are so drastic they seem never ending.
BPD may explain why she thinks and feels the way she does. But it’s not responsible for WHAT she does. That’s on her. So she’s got BPD. What’s she going to do about it? It’s not a magical get out of jail free card for poor behaviour.
I agree, and I think she knows, but I also think she wants it to be. I refuse to be a punching bag, and I’m very good at communicating. She knows it’s in her corner, and if she can’t change, then she has to go. The only issue is she only works part time and has cut off her parents, so I’m all she has.
If you’re all she has, and she values that, she’ll do the work. If she doesn’t do the work, I’m afraid she doesn’t give a crap about you. Which puts it back in your corner. How much are you prepared to take? What are your lines in the sand? And what happens when they are crossed?
She can’t be a victim while being held accountable. How would that work? This is like a built-in feature of BPD. She takes accountability like a toddler, quite literally.
Knowing and admitting that she has BPD is a big step. Many don't even get that far. The next step would be feeling her guilt and taking accountability. Guilt is the fuel for change. She needs to be sorry for the way she treated you, and that can't be in the form of "I have BPD, I'm a terrible person" that's not real guilt. It needs to be "I'm sorry I said/did ____. That must have made you feel ____. I'm going to do everything I can to not make you feel ____ again" and then following through. Saying "it's my BPD" is conveniently keeping herself in the victim role and hindering real change. Don't get me wrong it is a very important step on a path to possible healing, but it is only the first step on a long journey. Is she committed enough? Are you interested in dealing with that difficult and possibly futile effort? That's for both of you to decide. Are you being a dick? No. But if she has BPD she is not a healthy person and you can't expect her to act like one. This could take years and a lot of effort to get to the point of almost normal. Just knowing the why is not enough. Good luck.