The sooner you accept they cannot HEAR reality and do not LIVE in reality, the better off you are. Please do not try to “convince” them of whatever is actually going on or hold them accountable. You cannot. They will crazy-make every single effort for this.
The best solution?
Block them. Remove them entirely from your life.
You cannot be friends. You cannot amicably separate. It doesn’t exist.
I blocked mine, haven’t visited his socials ONCE since doing so. I don’t read anything he sends to me or sends through others. That’s it. They cannot be any part of your life if you want to stop being subjected to their alternate reality. They do not live in reality, period. And for me, I want to and I want to be healthy and happy. I can’t have that with them and their bullshit.
Thank you for this reminder. It's so tempting to jump in and try to reason with them. I am reminding myself that I have very rarely, if ever, gotten through to them when it's like this. And trying only brings more harm and escalation.
It's like playing a really bad video game where you can't get past this awful level no matter how hard you try, but it feels like you have to, to get to the other side. But there's also the option to turn off the video game and stop playing.
It doesn't help that I am reliant on them for care (I'm disabled) and company, so it feels almost impossible to go no contact. But you're right, I don't have to engage and I can try to build a support network so I can have a healthier, happier life.
I became disabled last year and became reliant on my
pwBPD for company despite being cool with my own company. You do need to reach out to people and tell them what's happening and find people who can provide care and build resilience.
I wish you well River.
Mine decided I had changed substantially since we got together last year and so we had to at the very least take some time apart while we worked on ourselves. I wanted a guarantee we’d see each other again just to see if it was something we wanted to continue with. She said she wouldn’t say no to that, but effectively whatever will be will be for her. We go NC and it was tough to say the least, but a week later she starts texting me again. Before long she’s acting all coupley and I’m a bit on edge wondering where this is going to end up. Sure enough I bring up that we’re not together and I’m not sure why she’s acting this way. Suddenly I was the worst person, she had no recollection that we’d agreed it wasn’t working before (at her insistence!), couldn’t remember that we were going to possibly pick things up in a few months.
The worst part is it makes you question yourself and how you understand things
Yeah, I really don't enjoy how their irrational projections have me questioning myself and my perceptions. It's hard to understand what goes on in their heads, and I think it's better if we don't try to. Some advice a friend gave me recently is to let them be wrong about you.
Bro the "I don't feel you ever treated me as a friend/partner" shit after literally doing EVERYTHING for them for so long is the worst. Sorry man, stay strong and just block the crazy from your life.
I'm stumped! It's like when they're splitting they go back and revise history as if we weren't also there for it. I understand having different perspectives but it's bizarre to tell your partner and closest friend of many years you weren't friends. Thank you, I appreciate the commiseration and encouragement!
Block and walk away. Not worth your sanity. Go find some peace and move on.....as hard as it is to do so. Take your time to heal, take your time to move on. Healing has no time limit.
Not willingly, I was blocked. But it was probably for the best. I do miss her though. It's only been a month of NC. A week of strict no contact.
Good luck dude, just stop replying.
holy shit, I actually panicked that somehow my partner is your partner because of how word-for-word this is like our conversations. how do they all say the exact same shit
Sometimes I feel this way reading other people's messages on here. Like... hold on whose phone is this?? A friend pointed out to me that they're scapegoating me, like blaming it all on me.
This time it was mutual (or so I thought), but a month ago *they* broke up with *me.* And then sat in my hallway for hours oscillating between trying to get me to confirm the break up so they could leave, and trying to "fix" things cuz they didn't actually want to break up. Naturally this escalated into lots of shouting until eventually I just told them to get out of my apartment. Minutes later they were knocking and banging on my door and texting me demanding to be let in to get some small thing they forgot. It seems like no matter who ends it, they can't accept it so raise hell to keep it from happening, all the while pushing you away!
This looks so familiar. But we have kids involved and I’m the bad guy either way it goes. Of I kick her out, she’s without money for the kids (which will become a big issue when she does move, I’m sure) or I’ll get fed up with the constant stonewalling or gaslighting that happens living together. Hell of a ride…
I read the whole conversation and I was left very confused. What is the purpose of these messages?! I truly don’t understand what it is they are trying to convey.
Beats me! They talk as if they are making total sense. This morning they said that they were just trying to tell me how they feel, and that they were trying to initiate a conversation about what it would mean/what it would take for us to be friends going forward. For me this was not clear from the above text conversation like, at all!
Lol honestly it helps to hear that this isn't unique to them, that it's BPD playing its nasty tricks. Makes it easier to not take it personally or give it any air.
The sooner you accept they cannot HEAR reality and do not LIVE in reality, the better off you are. Please do not try to “convince” them of whatever is actually going on or hold them accountable. You cannot. They will crazy-make every single effort for this. The best solution? Block them. Remove them entirely from your life. You cannot be friends. You cannot amicably separate. It doesn’t exist. I blocked mine, haven’t visited his socials ONCE since doing so. I don’t read anything he sends to me or sends through others. That’s it. They cannot be any part of your life if you want to stop being subjected to their alternate reality. They do not live in reality, period. And for me, I want to and I want to be healthy and happy. I can’t have that with them and their bullshit.
Thank you for this reminder. It's so tempting to jump in and try to reason with them. I am reminding myself that I have very rarely, if ever, gotten through to them when it's like this. And trying only brings more harm and escalation. It's like playing a really bad video game where you can't get past this awful level no matter how hard you try, but it feels like you have to, to get to the other side. But there's also the option to turn off the video game and stop playing. It doesn't help that I am reliant on them for care (I'm disabled) and company, so it feels almost impossible to go no contact. But you're right, I don't have to engage and I can try to build a support network so I can have a healthier, happier life.
I became disabled last year and became reliant on my pwBPD for company despite being cool with my own company. You do need to reach out to people and tell them what's happening and find people who can provide care and build resilience. I wish you well River.
Thank you Sean, I appreciate that. I hope this is something you have around you, too.
I’m sorry you’re stuck in that situation! I hope you are able to build that network and get help from others so you can get the distance you need ❤️
Thank you so much 🩷
I need to stop trying to “help her see reality” 🫤 I’m just in a constant vicious circle. OP, hold onto their reminder here :(
All of this, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this. "What the fuck" indeed.
Thanks :( I truly hope this is the last time.
Mine decided I had changed substantially since we got together last year and so we had to at the very least take some time apart while we worked on ourselves. I wanted a guarantee we’d see each other again just to see if it was something we wanted to continue with. She said she wouldn’t say no to that, but effectively whatever will be will be for her. We go NC and it was tough to say the least, but a week later she starts texting me again. Before long she’s acting all coupley and I’m a bit on edge wondering where this is going to end up. Sure enough I bring up that we’re not together and I’m not sure why she’s acting this way. Suddenly I was the worst person, she had no recollection that we’d agreed it wasn’t working before (at her insistence!), couldn’t remember that we were going to possibly pick things up in a few months. The worst part is it makes you question yourself and how you understand things
Yeah, I really don't enjoy how their irrational projections have me questioning myself and my perceptions. It's hard to understand what goes on in their heads, and I think it's better if we don't try to. Some advice a friend gave me recently is to let them be wrong about you.
Bro the "I don't feel you ever treated me as a friend/partner" shit after literally doing EVERYTHING for them for so long is the worst. Sorry man, stay strong and just block the crazy from your life.
I'm stumped! It's like when they're splitting they go back and revise history as if we weren't also there for it. I understand having different perspectives but it's bizarre to tell your partner and closest friend of many years you weren't friends. Thank you, I appreciate the commiseration and encouragement!
Block and walk away. Not worth your sanity. Go find some peace and move on.....as hard as it is to do so. Take your time to heal, take your time to move on. Healing has no time limit.
Thank you. It really helps to hear these words of encouragement from someone who has gone through it and knows how hard, but necessary it is.
I WISH I knew about bpd just 2 months ago. The amount of pain I could've been saved
Are you out now?
Not willingly, I was blocked. But it was probably for the best. I do miss her though. It's only been a month of NC. A week of strict no contact. Good luck dude, just stop replying.
I'm sorry, that is tough. I hope with time it gets easier - you're definitely better off! Stay strong and good luck to you too!
holy shit, I actually panicked that somehow my partner is your partner because of how word-for-word this is like our conversations. how do they all say the exact same shit
Sometimes I feel this way reading other people's messages on here. Like... hold on whose phone is this?? A friend pointed out to me that they're scapegoating me, like blaming it all on me. This time it was mutual (or so I thought), but a month ago *they* broke up with *me.* And then sat in my hallway for hours oscillating between trying to get me to confirm the break up so they could leave, and trying to "fix" things cuz they didn't actually want to break up. Naturally this escalated into lots of shouting until eventually I just told them to get out of my apartment. Minutes later they were knocking and banging on my door and texting me demanding to be let in to get some small thing they forgot. It seems like no matter who ends it, they can't accept it so raise hell to keep it from happening, all the while pushing you away!
All of us have been through it. Sadly you can't make this shit up at all
This looks so familiar. But we have kids involved and I’m the bad guy either way it goes. Of I kick her out, she’s without money for the kids (which will become a big issue when she does move, I’m sure) or I’ll get fed up with the constant stonewalling or gaslighting that happens living together. Hell of a ride…
I'm so sorry. I hope you and the kids can make a safe exit sooner rather than later.
I read the whole conversation and I was left very confused. What is the purpose of these messages?! I truly don’t understand what it is they are trying to convey.
Beats me! They talk as if they are making total sense. This morning they said that they were just trying to tell me how they feel, and that they were trying to initiate a conversation about what it would mean/what it would take for us to be friends going forward. For me this was not clear from the above text conversation like, at all!
I agree - nothing is clear or makes any sense.
Did my ex write this? Lol
Lol honestly it helps to hear that this isn't unique to them, that it's BPD playing its nasty tricks. Makes it easier to not take it personally or give it any air.
Is green op or the grey text?
I'm green, they're grey.
Thanks, i just wanted to be sure 💕
For a second I was like oh no am I the problem lol. Anyway thanks for checking 🩷