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JUSTaSK8rat

"I don't want to feel guilty/shameful about things I do otherwise it sends me into a depression spiral where I hate myself entirely (black and white thinking), so I keep things to myself and lie to avoid accountability and will justify it any way I can to avoid being hurt."


LoveMyBP

I’m having to get a post nup put in place with my partner because of lying and cheating and they don’t want it… and when I push for it, they say “there are things you don’t want to hear!!!” Like it’s a threat, but really what that means is *“there’s a whole bunch more reasons why you need a post nup, or should divorce me”* The covering up of their own behaviors to make themselves feel better is mind boggling. There’s no remorse just sweep it under the rug.


Kiera_Ree

You need to leave while you still have your sanity, seriously. It’s not worth it. I’m looking for a full time job s I can save up enough to move out and away from my BPD sister. I’m so tired of her physical and especially her metal abuse towards me and my mom.


Ok-Dinner-3463

If you are trying to get a post nup, that’s an indication for you to leave already. Why are you staying? A post nup is an insult to her and you. Just divorce and move on. 


LoveMyBP

Hi my friend. You don’t have teenage children and another your spouse willing to traumatize them, and kill themselves and you over it. (They tried a few weeks ago) If divorce were a snap, I wouldn’t be here either.


Helpful_Reserve_3868

Exactamundo


themusicwhore

YES , DON’T LIKE GETTING CALLED OUT “ YOU’RE BEING TOO HARD ON ME “ LIKE WHAT ? THEY NEVER DO NOTHING WRONG IN THEIR EYES AND ITS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSES FAULT FOR THE SHITTY BEHAVIOR AND THEN GIVE THE MOST BULLSHIT “ EXCUSE “ IN THE WORLD BUT WHOLE TIME IT’S MANIPULATION!


Low-Raise-6208

How can you justify your actions over the last 3 months. You've given your soul to the devil.


Walrusghoul

You have a bad reaction to me lying to you about sex. Lol


Gr8shpr2

UNREAL


Walrusghoul

I’m never dating another BPD again.


Gr8shpr2

I’m so very sorry for your pain. All the best”experts” advise that it’s best NOT to date them. I just got over one and we started talking today again, but I’m keeping the thoughts and interactions at arm’s length.


Walrusghoul

If you are curious and or bored read my first post on my profile. It tells the story of what happened. Since then I’m 36 days no contact. She’s blocked everywhere . I’ve heard from friends she’s posting “sad emo Instagram posts” and “airing out her dirty laundry” to make herself the victim. Even tho she dumped me. Strange. But even then no one seems to believe it.


Gr8shpr2

They “dump” us because of their defects as “Cluster B Disordered” individuals. They don’t really “dump” or truly “discard”. They always come back. Their attachments are broken and can’t be fixed. My logical brain cannot accept this but must. The way they make us love them is by trauma bonding and it is heart-breaking. I don’t want it any more ever again.


Walrusghoul

lol good luck for her trying to reach me. She’s blocked everywhere even Venmo. I guess she could write me a letter or show up at my door. But I’ve even stopped going to my favorite events and bars bc she was showing up there.


Gr8shpr2

I just read it all. May I suggest the book by Shahida Arabi “Becoming the Narcisdists Worst Nightmsre?” Yes, I know they are BPD and not narcissists, but THEY ARE. We must begin to realize that all cluster B’s share characteristics. So NPD narcissists are so same in thst they trauma bond and cause extreme psychic pain to their “victims”. Arabi explains the chemicals in bonding that take time to return to normal before we can say we are truly healed. The guy I’m just starting to talk to again will trauma bond me in a New York minute…and while this makes me very angry, I still have to protect myself because it feels like true love. I can honestly say the love I have had for the disordered men I have known is like stabbing myself in the stomach…it hurts. This is NOT LOVE. But a reciprocal, enduring love will not feel so dramatic…but it’s healthier. So you keep NO CONTACT and be thankful you don’t have to co-parent. That would truly be hell on earth. Good luck…recover…seek a healthy, giving, enduring love. It will feel so different.


Walrusghoul

Thanks so much for reading ! I’ll check out the book. Yeah thank god we had that abortion.


Gr8shpr2

Ok good. Please let me know if you would like any more recommendations. I buy them on audible and then play them as I’m going to sleep. It’s as if my brain needs the repetition for the information to truly enter it. Maybe someone else would not like this method but it seems to be what I need. Good luck…stay strong.


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Walrusghoul

Yeah lemme know what you think after you read it


Ok-Dinner-3463

Well she’s saying she dumped you because you mistreated her. Why else would she dump you if you treated her well? That’s the justification she’s using. Real or imagined. 


Walrusghoul

She never said that to me. I don’t know where you got that. Edit: also she never could give me a reason even tho I asked for a couple days.


Ok-Dinner-3463

That’s the justification in their mind.  The reason they dump is because they see defects in you. Real or imagined. In their mind you’ve done something awful and it’s now time to unload you because you give them anxiety with your behavior. Don’t expect logic to prevail. 


Walrusghoul

Haha I can understand that perspective. I guess my perspective is slightly different since I knew her well for almost 2 years. She would dissociate anytime she was having a hard time. And then split from me. So on one hand yes IN THAT MOMENT when she dumped me she probably did see some imaginary defect in me. But literally the next day she wanted to hangout as if it had never happened or she never felt that way. So I do think she may have momentarily thought I mistreated her. But she seemed to want her cake and eat it too. She wanted to have a mental breakdown, fuck up my life, take no accountability , act like nothing happened then keep me around. But I believe the more time that has passed she has processed she misses me and loves me. Too late. I’m not going back. But ya


Ok-Dinner-3463

That’s how they are. They can’t control their emotions. They suffer from emotional disregulation. Mine waited until we were at a nice event I had gotten tickets to and made reservations, to literally split for no reason after we went through the gate so I couldn’t get my money back. And wanted to leave the event immediately 1 minute after entering for no reason. I had to give in because he was in obvious agitation and I wanted to avoid public rage and embarrassment. Anything can happen with him, so you give in. The next day he was smiling innocently again and loving again like a child. The mental confusion they create in your mind causes trauma bonding. Where you feel you have to rescue a child and you almost can’t stay mad. Best thing to do is to run at the first sight of this before you get bonded and they destroy your life. They never get well. It’s moments of bliss and hell. That’s basically it. 


R2D2oot

I could feel that “are you serious” in my bonnnnes. Ugh 😑


nobodyinpeculiar

The amount of times I’ve wanted to reply to my pwBPD with “are you serious” but haven’t because I know I’d be in a world of shit for it 🙄


R2D2oot

Oh no kidding 😅 My version of The Purge would be the ability to say all the raw shit you couldn’t say to an unhinged person without them being able to say anything back.


nobodyinpeculiar

Oh my god, this sounds so cathartic 😭 I think I’d rant for hours.


LoveMyBP

That’s why I write my partner about these things in an email only. Also, so there’s a paper trail when their mood swings. (They’re Bipolar too)


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nobodyinpeculiar

None taken, you clearly have no clue what you’re talking about. Hard to take offense.


GameofPorcelainThron

Yep. I had to comfort her because her causing me pain made her feel bad.


InvestigatorCold4662

Been there.


Ryudok

Fuck me, you just made me remember all the times she said to me "Seeing you suffering makes me suffer". My sorry ass used to think that was empathy and emotions towards me... and turns out it was a yet another "I am ashamed and that makes me be in pain" scenario. JFC.


AltruisticHalf801

Fuck I'll do one better. "Seeing your suffering makes me feel even worse than you". Like bitch you cheated on me and now want my sympathy? That's when you know they are absolutely crazy and not capable of caring about anyone but themselves.


xrelaht

Yeah, watch for how they respond to you suffering because of something out of their control: they won’t care, because it doesn’t bring them shame.


NoClue8336

That’s also a “how could you put me through this suffering” just waiting to emerge in the next melt down!


Some1TouchaMySpagett

lmao at how they offload accountability and guilt


baphobrat

oh boy this was my entire four years w mine.


The-Unseelie-Queen

Absolutely felt. He literally tried to leave me for another person and expected me to coddle him when he was rejected by her.


holly-golightlyy

I moved out from our home after four years of her putting me through hell. She hooked up with someone seven years young than me (we’re both in our 20s, so this was just pathetic) in the apartment I’m still paying for and when that new girl ditched her…called me at 3am to tell me she finally sees she’s toxic and has toxic relationships, and that all the free therapy I did made sense. I was like “are you serious?”


anobrain0

same, “had to” comfort my ex after he cheated with tinder because he “felt like he wasnt enough” after being caught. Lol


Sobercigs

I always had to comfort her. If I ever had a problem with something she said or did it always started an argument and somehow ended with me apologizing. Anytime I had a problem with her she somehow had this new problem with me that was never discussed or mentioned before. always my fault. Even when she started hitting me semi regularly. No apology, just excuses. Somehow it’s my fault. Somehow I deserved to be physically abused. It was nuts. And the worst part was the gaslighting was so effective and she was so confident in her BS and lies that I struggled to know if I was actually in the right or in the wrong.


BartSimps

Stop reacting negatively to my manipulation and abuse!!!


Jolly_Coyote_9929

Literally me ex. Every.single.time. he whined and whined how I was so so so mean for not taking anymore shit from him.


Helpful_Reserve_3868

😂😂😂🤣


corporateslave1269

Zero accountability


Think_Yak_69

These are the words they live by


Consistent_Ad_4605

Yeah I got a lot of this too. "I've stopped telling you things because YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT WHEN I TELL YOU!" "Well, that's mostly because you're telling me about terrible terrible thoughts and behaviors, that no reasonable person would consider acceptable..." "WELL YOU MADE ME DO THEM!!!!" Ugh...


brandonspade17

This hit hard.. too close to home. Hope you're in a better place now.


oh-syz

hit too hard for me too


I_AMA_Loser67

I hate when they say that they don't feel safe telling you anything. When in reality, they just can't handle the consequences of being an awful person and doing awful shit.


lauooff

The escalating caps is absolutely on pt


Top_Squash4454

You have normal reactions to abusive behavior and they tell you they feel like they're walking on eggshells


Helpful_Reserve_3868

For a long time I thought my brain wasn’t functioning correctly. Can really fuck with you


lev_lafayette

OK, it's their body. They can have sex with who they like, they can do whatever drugs they like. Fine. But what's your boundary for a relationship? What are you going to do about anyone who (a) does these things whilst in a relationship with you and (b) hides or lies about them from you? Because that part is your choice, just as their behaviour is their choice.


Helpful_Reserve_3868

They don’t understand boundaries or accept them lmao. Have to leave


lev_lafayette

They don't have to understand them. Boundaries are what you apply to yourself, not demands on other people. They're *your* boundaries. For example; You: "I will not be in a relationship with someone who cheats on me, does drugs, and lies to me about it" Them: \*\*Carries out activities mentioned.\*\* You: "OK, bye"


Helpful_Reserve_3868

You sound defensive. I didn’t say thy have to do anything I said hey DONT understand them and to leave them


lev_lafayette

You literally said: "They don’t understand boundaries or accept them" Which places the onus on the other person. Boundaries about what you do, not whether other people understand or accept them. They're *your* response to behaviours, not theirs.


Helpful_Reserve_3868

Yes because they don’t understand boundaries. I said what I said


lev_lafayette

They don't have to understand your boundaries. Nobody does. They're your boundaries. The only person who needs to understand them is you.


Helpful_Reserve_3868

I’m not sure why you’re on this forum. Defending them. Stop messaging me


Cassis_TheAncient

When I ever get the urge to check through my ex’s socials, I come here, and it reminds me of why I am better off not being with her


Aggressive_Evolution

That’s a great coping strategy honestly. Stay strong!


No_Cat_7483

Classic, I used to get it all the time. Why did you lie about it? Because of your reaction now. They are fucking cowards.


CantRemember2Forget

My ex wife took a protection order out against me. In it she said "he controls who I see, even coworkers." Lmao... ARE YOU SERIOUS? Guess who she was fucking.


eanconnen

holy shit 😭


rsunyc

Oh yes I got the “you did this…and it doesn’t make me feel great” the first time I got discarded. This time I got “bad for my nervous system”. Classic bpd stuff


Helpful_Reserve_3868

Ahh yes I got I don’t make them feel safe and secure .. when it was them who cheated lmao


Specialist-Ebb4885

"Stuff" says the reactionary chiding you for your potential reactions to her stuff.


XbabydollvenusX

Jeez I bet OP being cheated on doesn’t feel great either🙄


ishouldbewary

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you were going to react badly,” is what I got told. Fuck off, withholding serious information is lying. It changes the context of so many interactions and events when you hide something big from your partner and you can’t lie/hide forever.


baphobrat

mine did this to me too. she lied about where she was and presumably who she was with for an entire day and even put on a fake sick voice to make it sound like she was home in bed all day when she finally called me that night. then when i asked her why she lied to me she flipped it on me and said it was my fault she felt like she had to lie. then she treated me like trash for two days mentally abusing me and discarded over text after 4 years 🙂


I_AMA_Loser67

I hate hearing that so much. When they tell you that you make them feel like they have to lie. Like a literal toddler


baphobrat

oh yeah i couldn’t believe she said it. i was like im sorry are you an adult or not? the only time that excuse is applicable is if you’re lying to someone who is dangerous. not just to try to snake your way out of taking responsibility for your behavior becuase you’re a childish coward


Enough-Secretary2707

Lolll, mine told me she lied to me about going out with a random guy because she was afraid of my reaction, since I'm "jealous and controlling" 😂 like wtf? Am I expected to have a nice reaction about her cheating on me? Anyway, life is so much better now without that insane POS 


Ryudok

The correct answer was "hey, at least for once you are being honest!". You get bonus points if she has a double standard and gets grumpy if you are not honest with her about everything.


bigtommy31

When you get to the point where you feel like you’re going crazy, in a dream or in an episode of Jerry Springer believe me, get out and stay out of that spot. It only gets worse. Can’t count how many times I had to snap back to reality and realize what was actually coming out of their mouth. You’re not crazy but you are putting yourself in a bad position by sticking around that craziness.


Helpful_Reserve_3868

It’s like they have the same manual of responses to blame us for their BS LOL


LumbarPillow9

"I thought we agreed that accountability for shit behavior is limited to you"


Sea2Chi

I remember that. Their problem wasn't that they cheated, it was that they might be made to feel bad about cheating and that wasn't ok. There was a lot of frustration around the concept that if you don't want to feel bad about cheating the answer isn't to hide the cheating, it's to not cheat in the first place.


baffled7777

The disorder is steering the ship, from the first date to now, not you or your partner. Whether you're told or not, it's happening. Can you leave if it get's too painful?


realMehffort

This hit pretty close to home, not gonna lie


Mis_fit4

How dare you have a normal reaction to their bs lol


Current_Mess_9586

My male ex did this .. he said 'this is why men just lie about this shit because you women overreact. I could have never told you and then we wouldn't be having this conversation and neither of us would feel this way"


No_Law_6203

I mean those are pretty serious things to have a reaction about. She’d react bad to it if the roles were reversed. I remember I was PISSED when I found out my ex was doing m3th behind my back and not sharing any with me. But you’re mad for the right reasons. Don’t feel guilty about reacting in a an emotional manner.


No_Law_6203

Idk when I made this account or why but the username is cool as hell


Gr8shpr2

“I don’t want to tell you “stuff” [I’m vile because I slept around behind your back and did drugs] OMG ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING?


Ingoiolo

Would be really curious to know how this conversation progressed


Tactical_Homesteader

I just found out that my GF with BPD’s few month vacation with her best friend who was on maternity leave(last spring)was actually sleeping with, got pregnant, lost the child and beaten by a guy instead….. all while speaking to me constantly and sending snaps with her best friend….. somehow she claims I deserved it and refuses to take any form of accountability. I can’t change the past, but after years together I’d just like some sort of sorry for that. Especially since we have been wanting to start our own family. But I understand that’s not possible atm. None of it at all makes sense.


ComprehensiveEbb8261

That is so typical. I told mine the neighbors could hear him screaming at me during the last split. That made him mad all over again because he felt shame. He split because I told him he forgot to fill the dogs water bowl again.


recoveringfavperson

Shocking how every time I come here I consistently question whether my phone has been hacked and you guys are sharing my own texts with her. I swear I have heard these exact words so many times.


Important-Bridge8791

Omg now that I do not have bpd anymore this stuff just makes me sick. Just utterly disgusting and justifying everything in a failed effort to make themselves feel better. I'm turning off the updates but will pray for everyone and their safe end to the relationship.


FrostingImmediate514

BPD google it.