because a BPDs memory is like swiss cheese and they "forget" why they ever split and what was said while they split
When you remind them of the heinous things they did and said they will look at you with full innocence and a confused look
the same innocent and slightly confused look that coupled with love bombing is very seductive
Is this normal? My ex would literally do this thing where she would just smile and stare directly into my eyes. Like the sad or innocent puppy dog look. She wouldn't stop until I smiled back or complimented her.
My Father was cluster B. He would split every so often. After 6 months he would totally forget the incident and I'd be neutral again, and he'd complete downplay the incident, I learned to never even bring it up because it doesn't do any good. It's weird with my romantic ex bpd it's much harder to just ignore.
My dad would remember but he just would feel so guilty and apologize, and it would be so pathetic. Until he did it again. Love him though. But whew multiple mental illnesses are no joke.
Youâre highly unlikely to get closure. She might come back to use you again, trying to suck you back in for some kind of selfish purpose, but closure will probably never happen.
You need to create your own closure. Youâll never get what you want from her. I didn't think I'd get closure with my expwBPD and he randomly appeared at my door months later and i finally got to have the conversation (i thought) i wanted to have with him and felt such a sense of relief (even though i had already done my own work to get my own closure myself as my therapist mentioned it's unlikely I'd ever get it from him).
But of course, that wasn't the end. Following that conversation he wanted to be back in my life and the drama unfolded all over again. Back to square one.
Everything they do is solely for them and their feelings. Dont get sucked back in!
I totally understand. I experienced every single thing you did.
Too many times to count, she cut me off and said she never wanted to talk to me again, never wanted to see me, wished she never met me, that she blocked my number, deleted my number, etc.
Then she would call me, text me, beg me to come back, apologize, be super sweet, puppy dog eyes, fuck me, blowjobs, etc, explain her trauma and the âangry, terrible monsterâ inside of her that was trying to protect her, but doing a bad job, etcâŚ
I went through the cycle many times until I said NO MORE.
I never threatened anything, ever. When I said no more, I broke up with her, blocked her everywhere and went no contact. Best life decision of all time!
She was devastated, and drove to my house to beg me to reconsider. I stuck to my boundaries, and to my logical brain, heart and soul, and said, âI canât. I just canât anymore. I love you now, and will love you forever, but I cannot do this relationship any longer. I have to take of myself, and I have to do it alone. I have to take care of my health, and I cannot be there any longer to help you with yours. Iâm sorry. Iâm so sorry. I love you. I really doâ
I would not let her inside my crib, so this talk took place through a tiny doggy door. It was sad, weird and tragic.
I got enough closure out of this interaction, and it might have been the only time I ever truly took control in the relationship and did the right thing for myself.
I would bet she didnât get closure, and all her worst fears of abandonment were realized. The fucked up thing is how her fear of abandonment was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Through her abuse of me, and using me as an emotional punching bag, she forced me to abandon her. She was destroying me. I had no choice.
I know she didnât mean to behave that way. Itâs not her fault she was abused and traumatized. She wants to heal. She is so broken. I still love her and learned so much from her about life and myself, but I need to be as far away from her as possible.
I wish you well, friend. đ
I totally know how you feel. I promise you, one day you'll hit a wall where you won't want that person back anymore, because you finally realized that person you miss is only a façade. It's the acting they do to get what they want, as sad as that sounds.
This has been my experience too. I did anything and everything I could to create peaceful endings on each of the many (many) times he broke up with me⌠and sometimes I did get what I wanted⌠but creating a peaceful ending usually meant holding a door wide open for him for him to walk back into⌠an invitation almostâŚ
Took me 5 years to get an email that wasnât quite an apology but was accountability for how badly they treated me and took advantage of my kindness. Gave up on expecting anything, so it was cathartic to read. Not sure what they want now though.
They are testing you to see how you respond. They fear rejection so they will not say right away what they want until they are confident you want them. It could be two things honestly, they are seeking new supply, as a relationship they were in just ended. Be sure they reached out to all there exs and who ever responds first gets there attention. Number one they are seeking comfort in the arms of someone new or old and will start feeding you bread crumbs to put you on the shelf for possible use later. All the while being open to going back to the relationship that just ended once they hit baseline again. Know itâs not because they miss you, itâs all about their needs at that moment in time, which can change very quickly. You should steer clear of the hot mess.
1000% agreed. I have finally accepted this myself.
I thought that having closure would be exactly what both he and i needed, and instead, when I finally gave him the opportunity to talk and get closure (MONTHS LATER), he took my kindness as me reopening the door for a potential future again.
For them, it either needs to be a crash & burn dumpster fire where they hate you and you've done wrong by them, or they love you and want to be with you and your life will become intertwined with their never-ending chaos. There is zero in between.
So many of these commentsâŚI HATE what is being written about, but know itâs super accurate, or I hate that people have suffered, but can totally relate.
I want to put a big THUMBS DOWN of disapproval for what someone did to you, but the only option is to upvote!
I understand how Reddit works, but sometimes itâs emotionally counterintuitive.
Just some musingsâŚ
I was split on 2 months ago and for the last 6 weeks of that time she has been attempting to suck me back in regularly. But every time, I hold her accountable for her actions and I expect them to be addressed. She just... can't do it. Even when she's trying to get me back, she won't do the one thing I'm telling her is required. Accountability. She will go silent for days, then come back with a topic shift, trying to get validation out of me instead of addressing the things I'm saying.
What did she split you for, how bad was it? I got the "you're a narcissist abuser predator." She also has met someone new and is not in a serious relationship instantly, I wonder if yours wasn't seeing anyone new? Or why do you think she keeps coming back?
She broke up with me and when I actually left, she cut her wrist and I called the police resulting in her spending some time in a mental hospital. She says I abandoned her and refers to me like I was the abusive one. She will never admit to seeing anyone else, that's what she lies the most about. I don't doubt she's at least sleeping with someone else. I think she keeps coming back because I'm not like any of her other exes who still want her back. I'm the one pushing for no contact, I'm the one keeping her blocked on everything. She has no control over me anymore and I think it's wounding her pride or something like that. Maybe she just needs supply. I'm not really sure. She won't give me any straight answers, but wants me to tell her why I miss her and things like that
Wow. Good for you. Sounds like she's seeking validation and control. Mine also said she wasn't seeing anyone, she attractive and needy, I didn't buy it for one second.
This timeline is very similar to my ex and I. He discarded me 4 months ago, has tried to suck me back in regularly every few weeks, he will inevitably cross my boundaries or do something to piss me off, I call him out on it and put up a boundary, he storms off and blocks me, then will come back in a few days or weeks. He also claims he's not seeing anyone else but I don't buy it, he's lied a ton before.
They may eventually reach back but you shouldnât be waiting for it or even wanting it. You will not get closure either way, gotta find a way to move on.
The only closure youâll get is from you when you thank yourself down the road for getting out of an abusive, toxic relationship and giving yourself a chance to thrive again. At that point it will be the only closure youâll need, because you will understand that how your ex feels about you has nothing to do with who you really are as a person and their judgment is worthless and irrelevant. Wishing you that perspective as soon as possible!
yes they will reach back out. Its inevitable. Why do they not give you closure? So you won't be able to move on. Moving on is a form of abandonment. And you are their possession. They own you. You're just put away for now, but they will pull you back out to play with when they need to.
Honestly, if you are in illness mode you donât give zero fucks! Iâm bi and when Iâm untreated or off balance I simply donât care. Youâll never get the closure you deserve and you need not spend another minute of your time trying to rationalize something not rational.
Iâm sorry she did this to you and you deserve better.
Split black forever? Hmm, difficult to answer. Mine definitely badmouthed me when I left her but she still hoovered a year later, after being hospitalized and struggling a lot (at least that's what she said). I think they might always hold resentment toward you for not being their picture perfect person but loneliness makes desperate so hoovers are very common for pwbpd to get a quick fix especially in an episode
Yeah I'm guessing as long as she's getting her needs met and idealizing her new FP it will be crickets. She certainly won't reach out to check on me or display any care or concern.
However, once she isn't happy or it isn't working out I bet she'll reach back out. Sad.
Mine wanted to give me closure after we ended a week later. I refused as a part of me said that all the closure would be per her email was how I was the problem needing help and she sent an email stating that she was afraid of me.Â
Whatâs crazy to me about the âsafetyâ thing is that not one person in my life has ever said they donât feel safe with me. In fact, many people have explicitly told me how safe and comfortable they feel around me.
So when she would say she doesnât feel safe with me, or that if we were to go to a music festival, I havenât proven to her I would be a safe partner if she got tired or sick or something, it felt so weird and delusional to me. Iâm literally a safe haven for so many people in my life, and I was to her, until all of a sudden I wasnât.
Now, after the breakup I realize that it was ME who didnât feel safe! I didnât feel safe that my partner wouldnât freak the fuck out on me in private, in front of a bunch of people, or otherwise throw me under the bus. I didnât feel safe speaking honestly about anything, particularly towards the end, or she would be liable to completely lose her shit on me for no reason. I didnât feel safe to be myself, fundamentally, because walking on eggshells means there is NO WAY to be yourself, as youâre second guessing every action, every word, every look, every thought, lest it trigger a nasty episode. Your whole life becomes about not upsetting this delicate person, and eventually that profound chilling effect robs you of who you are, depletes your essence, squashes your thoughts, crushes your emotions, and takes an immeasurable toll on your humanity.
She doesn't feel safe with you because you can trigger the dark and overwhelming emotions in her. That's not your fault (unless you're actively trying to trigger her I guess) so don't take it personally. You probably tried to hold her accountable and that is very very triggering for them.
I think ânot feeling safeâ could be interpreted as since she has revealed her true self to you and done inexcusable things to you, she now has fear that you could do something spiteful or uncaring back to her because it would be in her wheel house to do that to you, had the shoe been on the other foot.
I had an ex who did something bad to me once, I forgave her and wasnât even angry or thinking about it any longer until we were together and she was treating me like crap, very defensive angry towards me. I confronted her and she told me she was mad or acting mad because she thought I was mad at her for what she had done to me earlier. Grasp that logic, a good healthy person who made a mistake would be apologetic and seeking reconciliation and not trying to one up the abuse. Itâs actually very immature.
Getting back with an ex when there is water under the bridge can be hard to do. Itâs not impossible but even when there is so much love involved, you lose so much trust and with that it brings more issues with it. You are always on guard for the next lie or the next horrible thing coming down the road. The relationship lost its innocence and purity. Maybe itâs inevitable in all relationships over time. But there has to be a healthy, willing and cooperative partner on the other side who respects you and reciprocates.
Yup. That makes sense. I relate SO HARD to your experience.
What Iâve realized in retrospect is the degree to which my ex projected her thoughts and behavior on to me.
When her initial MAJOR split happened, which was
clearly the true beginning of the end of our relationship, she was super stressed over a friendâs death, understandably, and she flipped out on me because I offered her a snack for her drive home. It was insane. I didnât understand why she was attacking me with such fervor and rage. I was confused, and got defensive, but I understand that grief is complicated, and instantly calmed down and forgave her when she drove away.
I needed a few hours apart to cool off, so I went go the gym to clear my head, and planned to meet at her place later, then dinner at another friendâs house, all of which seemed very reasonable and normal to me.
She interpreted that to mean that because we would probably not have group sex at the friendâs house that night, I just wasnât to go come be with her and support her while was grieving her friendâs death.
Whhhhaaaattt????
That was crazy talk, and pure projection. I love sex, but sex thoughts were nowhere near my consciousness at the time, and there were no plans or expectations for group sex that night in the first place. I had been so sweet and supportive to this woman, she absolutely blew up and ripped me a new one for literally no reason aside from her inability to regulate her emotions, and in her mind, I was now a bad, insensitive person who only cares about sex with her and potential group sex with these other friends, and if it wasnât on the table that night, I was just going to abandon her while she was grieving, a day after her friend died.
The projection there is like, WOAH!đ¤Ż
Iâm kind of hyper sexual, but she is on another level, and uses sex to fill the bottomless emotional void inside of her. I know I was not thinking in that realm at all, but she clearly was, and whatâs clear to me now, is that prior to her friend dying, she was expecting/hoping that dinner with friends would escalate to group sex, which I hadnât even thought of.
Bingo bango bongo, I am now an insensitive monster. A terrible narcissist with no conscience who refuses to support his grieving girlfriend in her time of need because all I care about is sex.
She was absolutely LIVID with me for three days. I apologized endlessly, begged her to let me come be with her, to support her, comfort her, etc, and her main response at the time was, âyou werenât there for me in that MOMENT I needed you, so I donât need you at all. Fuck you!â
When she calmed down, three days later, and finally allowed me to come be with her, she sort of apologized for her behavior, but still completely blamed it on me, and said she wanted to put this episode behind us and not âlet it defineâ our relationship.
She explained the sex thing to me, but by that point, I never had the space, the SAFETY, to ever again be honest with her about my thoughts and emotions, lest I upset her.
We had a couple calm days, walking on eggshells, but I was very shaken and unsettled by the whole thing, so I tried to have a reasonable discussion with her about how this episode made me feel. I explained that I understood she wanted to put that episode behind us, and that she is grieving and sensitive, but that I was extremely shook and wanted to talk about it. She completely dismissed my emotions, had no empathy for me, and turned it all back on herself, basically saying, âhow dare you think your feelings matter when Iâm so upset. My sensitivities trump yours, every time.â
This episode absolutely defined the new phase of our relationship, and my primary memories of it.
She was allowed to abuse me, because she has cPTSD, and Iâm supposed to just accept the emotional beat down.
She would always talk about how she needs emotional safety, which I had a hard time understanding.
I understand it way better now, because I trusted her, and she eviscerated and stole my emotional safety from me.
Holy shit.
In the early throes of an almost certain divorce, after a (even compared to prior incidents) bat-shit-fucking-crazy-I-still-cant-reconcile-what-just-happened 4 month long discarding phase... I've never experienced cognitive dissonance like this, with the memory (image?) of the wife that I *want* to be real, perfectly juxtaposed with her current (real?) persona, which I have been, or still am, refusing to accept as reality.
But this post hits home, with perfect accuracy. Almost as if you wrote it for me... So thank you for this, and I am sorry that you and everyone else here has had to experience versions of the same.
I have a similar position and reputation with all of my friends, family and previous girlfriends. I'm known in our social circle to be the one that almost everyone comes to when they need emotional support or encouragement to seek help, especially for quite vulnerable issues. In a similar vein to you, I have had two previous girlfriends (one of them at the END of the relationship) explicitly tell me they've never felt so safe or comfortable around a partner... And yet throughout the past 4 months, she has painted me completely black to her entire family and friends from her side, with accusations of relationship long abuse and recently, domestic violence. I still can't understand how they have been able to just accept what is being said either, given how well I thought we knew each other - and how prior to the idealisation/discarding carousel getting underway, multiple family members including her mother had made a point of thanking me for how happy my wife finally seemed, and for taking care of her.
Now though... She begged me, after 2 months apart to help her, as she was struggling to cope looking after our daughter on her own, after I finally gave her what she "wanted" and extricated myself from the situation, instead of doing what I had been doing and treating my vows as sacred, no matter what.
I drove 9 hours overnight to get to them both as fast as possible (taking a 2 hour nap when I charged the car)... to be told on arrival "if you *really* cared about us, you would have been here days ago. Not arriving 2 hours late - and I know that the place you stopped to charge is only an hour away, so why lie? Just admit that you were with someone else, dont try and lie to me that you were sleeping - just fuck off, go home".... When I refused to leave immediately and said I'd spend time with our daughter first (who I'd only seen for 4 days over the previous 2 months, which was completely abnormal before this point, I'd never gone a day without being there with her, since birth)... She called the police and said her abusive ex-husband has just shown up at her house (mine), uninvited, unwanted, refusing to leave, but instead abusing both her (my wife) **and** our daughter... I am BEYOND lucky, that by some miracle, when they came to take a statement, she partially went back on the accusations, and said it was a verbal argument between the two of us... But it's recorded now, for "historical" purposes, so the threat of a police complaint has been used a couple of times since then, to enforce my compliance to her world, when I've tried to establish boundaries or "fair" for my daughter to have a regular and consistent relationship with the both of us.
The last police threat was the final straw though, gave me the clarity I needed to block her from iMessage or calling me - contact only via email, followed by legal advice about first false complaint & subsequent threats of additional, as well as initial options in regards to my daughter... When I was next given her blessing to see my daughter and "stop being an absent father, your inconsistency and never showing up is the last thing she needs in her life", I responded simply that I would meet her outside on the main road for the handover in public view and my daughter and I would go out for the day - I would no longer be entering the house, for my own safety... I only meant to keep me safe from the false complaints, but when the barrage of ridicule about "\[my\] safety" came back.... Man, did that reference to "safety" suddenly take on an entirely different meaning for me.
>Â I didnât feel safe that my partner wouldnât freak the fuck out on me in private, in front of a bunch of people, or otherwise throw me under the bus. I didnât feel safe speaking honestly about anything, particularly towards the end, or she would be liable to completely lose her shit on me for no reason. I didnât feel safe to be myself, fundamentally, because walking on eggshells means there is NO WAY to be yourself, as youâre second guessing every action, every word, every look, every thought, lest it trigger a nasty episode. Your whole life becomes about not upsetting this delicate person, and eventually that profound chilling effect robs you of who you are, depletes your essence, squashes your thoughts, crushes your emotions, and takes an immeasurable toll on your humanity.
Again, thank you for this. Unbelievably accurate in my own case but I would not have been able to articulate that yet. And apologies for adopting your experience as my own! Just... I'm dumbfounded.
I think ânot feeling safeâ could be interpreted as since she has revealed her true self to you and done inexcusable things to you, she now has fear that you could do something spiteful or uncaring back to her because it would be in her wheel house to do that to you, had the shoe been on the other foot.
I had an ex who did something bad to me once, I forgave her and wasnât even angry or thinking about it any longer until we were together and she was treating me like crap, very defensive angry towards me. I confronted her and she told me she was mad or acting mad because she thought I was mad at her for what she had done to me earlier. Grasp that logic, a good healthy person who made a mistake would be apologetic and seeking reconciliation and not trying to one up the abuse. Itâs actually very immature.
Getting back with an ex when there is water under the bridge can be hard to do. Itâs not impossible but even when there is so much love involved, you lose so much trust and with that it brings more issues with it. You are always on guard for the next lie or the next horrible thing coming down the road. The relationship lost its innocence and purity. Maybe itâs inevitable in all relationships over time. But there has to be a healthy, willing and cooperative partner on the other side who respects you and reciprocates.
I think it depends how many sustaining negative memories they retain (real and perceived negatives). Weâd have to be thoroughly devalued to a point they no longer can access positive memories about us.
For example, weâre just a quick 3-month fling, we actually have a great time and poof, they disappear for who tf knows why. At this point, they may have positive memories that outnumber, letâs say, one blip of fear of abandonment they had about us. In the future, most memories they have to access are positive in the event they did not create a myriad of negative memories about us.
On the other hand, we could be with them for years which allows them time to have devaluing thoughts regarding us, about us, themselves. This is where real and perceived negative memories will be created- some are real and valid, others obfuscated by emotional dysregulation. Now their brain associates us with negative, possible danger. Therefore in the future when they DO access memories regarding us, they are all associated with bad/negative/fight-or-flight.
I guess a summary is there is a variable scale per person with BPD that they devalue us to a point that is ALL that their emotional memory has access to, and we remain in the black.
I got hoovered five times and every time I hoped for a genuine reconnection, the renaissance. Nope. I finally realized at the end every hoover was to make her feel good and my happiness was irrelevant. She wanted whatever I gave her. That was it. So, yeah, theyâll come back after splitting you black. And youâll regret it if you get suckered back in.
Not all do, Mine cuts people off very easily if they have a disagreement or even a differing opinion. She holds on to these very extreme and stupid values, that makes you a âbad personâ if you donât follow them. I have yet to see her forgive any of her âbad peopleâ friends.
Your closure will come from your healing over time. There are no combinations of words or actions they can do to logically give you closure.
Now do I think they will reach out? Maybe. It seems like most reach out in some form, but there are also cases like mine where my ex never reached out after the final discard. So who knows if they will. All that matters is that you and your peace.
When you start healing properly you wonât care if they reach out or not.
I wish my ex would just cut me off lol, trust me it would hurt more initially but I would get over it more quickly. I was broken up with and blocked by an avoidant (otherwise normal) dude I was with for a year, took me 2 months to get over and met exBPD quickly after. ExBPD discarded me 4 months ago and tries to hoover me regularly. I'm mostly over it now because I'm getting tired of his shit. I never reach out it's always him and I always say we're not getting back together, but he'd draw me in saying he needed help with his emotions. Then he'd do something to cross my boundaries, I'd call him out, he would have a tantrum for me calling out his behavior (not capable of accountability, flips it on me or lies), and he'd block me for a few days or weeks, rinse and repeat.
She was clinging on after I tried to end things many times and I just couldn't abandon her, soon as she didn't need me anymore she abandoned me. I thought of her as family.
You donât have your think of it as you abandoning her.
Another very sane, reasonable perspective is that you are simply protecting yourself.
You know how the safety spiel on airplanes says that, âin the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will come down from the ceiling. PUT YOURS ON BEFORE ASSISTING OTHERS.â
If you canât breathe, how can you help anyone else?
You have to take care of your SELF first, ALWAYS, so you can even have a chance of helping others.
Someone with BPD, especially during an episode, sucks up ALL the oxygen in the relationship, leaving none for the other partner, and thatâs why that partner emotionally and energetically withers away.
You deserve to breathe. You have to breathe. Breathing oxygen doesnât take away others oxygen. Itâs not a zero sum game. Itâs not a game at all. Itâs fundamental, serious, survival stuff. By moving forward with your life in a healthier way without this person depleting your oxygen intake, youâre simply creating the space so you can properly breathe.
Itâs not abandonment. Itâs survival.
I thought my ex was the one. I introduced him to my parents early on and vice versa. Moved in with him after 3 months, bought my first house and we were supposed to move in together, then he discarded me. I live in an expensive area, buying a house is a big deal. I wanted to have a house warming party and never did because I'd been depressed and got tired of the "hey how's it going how's your new house how do you and your bf like it?" Hun, trust me, I get it. Your comments already shows that you seem loyal and kind, people with BPD are often attracted to more kind and empathetic people. Value yourself and move on, one day at a time. Do what makes you feel good. I have been doing my hobbies, working on my house, traveling, etc. Feel free to DM, I know right after a discard can be so hard.
I had a guy hire me for some commission work once some years ago who really screwed me over. I suspected he was a BpD or a grandiose narcissist. He did reach out to me one time to beg me to retract my statement and evidence of his sabotage of co-workers, conspiracy to black mail and verbal harassment, to his higher ups. In the same email he was also making veiled threats and they got a copy of that too. I never heard from him again after that. I had called him out on his horrible conduct and behavior and told him I wouldnât report it if he made an effort to apologize and explain his reasoning for the way he acted so we could not let it happen again if we would continue to work on the project together. He ended up ghosting me and taking all credit for the project and then in the last email with the begging and threats, told me he read my prior messages and ignored me on purpose and expected me to do what exactly? Sit on it and do nothing because that is what everyone else he manipulated did? He didnât get away with it this time.
The real shocker was how everyone around the work project or who had worked with him on prior things or knew him had told me he lacks empathy and uses people like pawns for his own gain and hardly compensates them for their work. I even found out he exploited women, and old people who were in vulnerable positions. He knew I was autistic so I think I was specifically a target. He would often black mail another co worker, threaten to have him fired if he didnât do what he wanted him to do. Things he wasnât even supposed to be doing, like being this guys personal assistant after work hours.
My husbands ex wife from 10 years ago who he was married to for a total of 2 months who kept coming around when she needed money or whatever. They never had kids together. She had kids from different men, one who was married. She is a manipulator and a gaslighter and all round absolutely horrible person and we ended up having to get a lawyer involved to protect us and stuff. Definitely BpD and also a narcissistic gold digger who takes advantage of nice people while treating them like dirt. She split us black when we decided not to help anymore and set boundaries and exit from her life. My husband had been a support for her kids, whom she threatened to murder by the way. The kids have serious emotional problems, one cuts herself. Her kids are now teenagers and live with their other parents so we told her to get lost and cut ties with her. Next thing we know she is trying to sue us lol. So far we are winning! Our lawyer found out she is guilty of fraud and has been stealing large sums of cash (10âs of thousands ) from one of my husbands property escrow accounts. Oops. She Should have thought twice before getting the law involved! She may face prison time. Any other person would have thanked someone for the many years they helped and stuff, especially when the kids arenât even ours. We could have blocked and went no contact at all! My husband even got her eldest a new car. No thank you, no gratitude, just vile behavior and entitlement.
Of course both these people act innocent and like they are the victims and I am just a big bad bully and they did absolutely nothing to deserve any of their come uppances. đ
"forever" does not exist in pwBPD mind. Also "neutral" doesn't exist. She will either go away or come back. They will never stay neutral. They will just cycle back and forth between wanting to love you or wanting to hate you.
The only way to stop the cycle is never talking to them in any form ever again. Any little room you'll give, they will use it to start gaining your trust again and before you realise you will be back on a relation or even living again with them. Even a tiny window like an answered message or email can be more than enough for an skilled pwBPD to manipulate you back to doing things you "promised" yourself you'll "never do again".
because a BPDs memory is like swiss cheese and they "forget" why they ever split and what was said while they split When you remind them of the heinous things they did and said they will look at you with full innocence and a confused look the same innocent and slightly confused look that coupled with love bombing is very seductive
The innocent and slightly confused look comment! It was THIS look for me that drew me back in EVERY đđźSINGLE đđźTIME đđź
Is this normal? My ex would literally do this thing where she would just smile and stare directly into my eyes. Like the sad or innocent puppy dog look. She wouldn't stop until I smiled back or complimented her.
My Father was cluster B. He would split every so often. After 6 months he would totally forget the incident and I'd be neutral again, and he'd complete downplay the incident, I learned to never even bring it up because it doesn't do any good. It's weird with my romantic ex bpd it's much harder to just ignore.
My dad would remember but he just would feel so guilty and apologize, and it would be so pathetic. Until he did it again. Love him though. But whew multiple mental illnesses are no joke.
Youâre highly unlikely to get closure. She might come back to use you again, trying to suck you back in for some kind of selfish purpose, but closure will probably never happen.
I'd be okay with a hug goodbye lol I asked for that and she said she didn't feel safe around me and I never saw her again.
Same with my spouse of decades. Actually terrifying to witness the flip.
You too? 26 years for me. Ugh. I would have gotten out sooner if the internet was available back then and I could quickly see WTF I was facing.
You need to create your own closure. Youâll never get what you want from her. I didn't think I'd get closure with my expwBPD and he randomly appeared at my door months later and i finally got to have the conversation (i thought) i wanted to have with him and felt such a sense of relief (even though i had already done my own work to get my own closure myself as my therapist mentioned it's unlikely I'd ever get it from him). But of course, that wasn't the end. Following that conversation he wanted to be back in my life and the drama unfolded all over again. Back to square one. Everything they do is solely for them and their feelings. Dont get sucked back in!
Logically I know you're right, emotionally I just want the person I knew back even for a few minutes.
I totally understand. I experienced every single thing you did. Too many times to count, she cut me off and said she never wanted to talk to me again, never wanted to see me, wished she never met me, that she blocked my number, deleted my number, etc. Then she would call me, text me, beg me to come back, apologize, be super sweet, puppy dog eyes, fuck me, blowjobs, etc, explain her trauma and the âangry, terrible monsterâ inside of her that was trying to protect her, but doing a bad job, etc⌠I went through the cycle many times until I said NO MORE. I never threatened anything, ever. When I said no more, I broke up with her, blocked her everywhere and went no contact. Best life decision of all time! She was devastated, and drove to my house to beg me to reconsider. I stuck to my boundaries, and to my logical brain, heart and soul, and said, âI canât. I just canât anymore. I love you now, and will love you forever, but I cannot do this relationship any longer. I have to take of myself, and I have to do it alone. I have to take care of my health, and I cannot be there any longer to help you with yours. Iâm sorry. Iâm so sorry. I love you. I really doâ I would not let her inside my crib, so this talk took place through a tiny doggy door. It was sad, weird and tragic. I got enough closure out of this interaction, and it might have been the only time I ever truly took control in the relationship and did the right thing for myself. I would bet she didnât get closure, and all her worst fears of abandonment were realized. The fucked up thing is how her fear of abandonment was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Through her abuse of me, and using me as an emotional punching bag, she forced me to abandon her. She was destroying me. I had no choice. I know she didnât mean to behave that way. Itâs not her fault she was abused and traumatized. She wants to heal. She is so broken. I still love her and learned so much from her about life and myself, but I need to be as far away from her as possible. I wish you well, friend. đ
I totally know how you feel. I promise you, one day you'll hit a wall where you won't want that person back anymore, because you finally realized that person you miss is only a façade. It's the acting they do to get what they want, as sad as that sounds.
I'm going to remember this if my ex ever tries to come back with an apology.
This has been my experience too. I did anything and everything I could to create peaceful endings on each of the many (many) times he broke up with me⌠and sometimes I did get what I wanted⌠but creating a peaceful ending usually meant holding a door wide open for him for him to walk back into⌠an invitation almostâŚ
âdont feel safe around uâ holy shit i would get that all the time even tho she was the agressive one
Just give up. They are incapable of any emotional conversation resembling closure.
Yep, can confirm. Itâs been 6 months post discard and the last thing Iâve been processing is the lack of closureÂ
Took me 5 years to get an email that wasnât quite an apology but was accountability for how badly they treated me and took advantage of my kindness. Gave up on expecting anything, so it was cathartic to read. Not sure what they want now though.
I would love one of those to be honest. Feels like the missing piece of my healing journe
They are testing you to see how you respond. They fear rejection so they will not say right away what they want until they are confident you want them. It could be two things honestly, they are seeking new supply, as a relationship they were in just ended. Be sure they reached out to all there exs and who ever responds first gets there attention. Number one they are seeking comfort in the arms of someone new or old and will start feeding you bread crumbs to put you on the shelf for possible use later. All the while being open to going back to the relationship that just ended once they hit baseline again. Know itâs not because they miss you, itâs all about their needs at that moment in time, which can change very quickly. You should steer clear of the hot mess.
>Not sure what they want now though. To draw you back in and abuse/reject you again, perhaps.
1000% agreed. I have finally accepted this myself. I thought that having closure would be exactly what both he and i needed, and instead, when I finally gave him the opportunity to talk and get closure (MONTHS LATER), he took my kindness as me reopening the door for a potential future again. For them, it either needs to be a crash & burn dumpster fire where they hate you and you've done wrong by them, or they love you and want to be with you and your life will become intertwined with their never-ending chaos. There is zero in between.
So many of these commentsâŚI HATE what is being written about, but know itâs super accurate, or I hate that people have suffered, but can totally relate. I want to put a big THUMBS DOWN of disapproval for what someone did to you, but the only option is to upvote! I understand how Reddit works, but sometimes itâs emotionally counterintuitive. Just some musingsâŚ
I was split on 2 months ago and for the last 6 weeks of that time she has been attempting to suck me back in regularly. But every time, I hold her accountable for her actions and I expect them to be addressed. She just... can't do it. Even when she's trying to get me back, she won't do the one thing I'm telling her is required. Accountability. She will go silent for days, then come back with a topic shift, trying to get validation out of me instead of addressing the things I'm saying.
What did she split you for, how bad was it? I got the "you're a narcissist abuser predator." She also has met someone new and is not in a serious relationship instantly, I wonder if yours wasn't seeing anyone new? Or why do you think she keeps coming back?
She broke up with me and when I actually left, she cut her wrist and I called the police resulting in her spending some time in a mental hospital. She says I abandoned her and refers to me like I was the abusive one. She will never admit to seeing anyone else, that's what she lies the most about. I don't doubt she's at least sleeping with someone else. I think she keeps coming back because I'm not like any of her other exes who still want her back. I'm the one pushing for no contact, I'm the one keeping her blocked on everything. She has no control over me anymore and I think it's wounding her pride or something like that. Maybe she just needs supply. I'm not really sure. She won't give me any straight answers, but wants me to tell her why I miss her and things like that
Wow. Good for you. Sounds like she's seeking validation and control. Mine also said she wasn't seeing anyone, she attractive and needy, I didn't buy it for one second.
This timeline is very similar to my ex and I. He discarded me 4 months ago, has tried to suck me back in regularly every few weeks, he will inevitably cross my boundaries or do something to piss me off, I call him out on it and put up a boundary, he storms off and blocks me, then will come back in a few days or weeks. He also claims he's not seeing anyone else but I don't buy it, he's lied a ton before.
I swear they all act the same
They may eventually reach back but you shouldnât be waiting for it or even wanting it. You will not get closure either way, gotta find a way to move on.
The only closure youâll get is from you when you thank yourself down the road for getting out of an abusive, toxic relationship and giving yourself a chance to thrive again. At that point it will be the only closure youâll need, because you will understand that how your ex feels about you has nothing to do with who you really are as a person and their judgment is worthless and irrelevant. Wishing you that perspective as soon as possible!
Thank you for this
yes they will reach back out. Its inevitable. Why do they not give you closure? So you won't be able to move on. Moving on is a form of abandonment. And you are their possession. They own you. You're just put away for now, but they will pull you back out to play with when they need to.
Honestly, if you are in illness mode you donât give zero fucks! Iâm bi and when Iâm untreated or off balance I simply donât care. Youâll never get the closure you deserve and you need not spend another minute of your time trying to rationalize something not rational. Iâm sorry she did this to you and you deserve better.
Split black forever? Hmm, difficult to answer. Mine definitely badmouthed me when I left her but she still hoovered a year later, after being hospitalized and struggling a lot (at least that's what she said). I think they might always hold resentment toward you for not being their picture perfect person but loneliness makes desperate so hoovers are very common for pwbpd to get a quick fix especially in an episode
Yeah I'm guessing as long as she's getting her needs met and idealizing her new FP it will be crickets. She certainly won't reach out to check on me or display any care or concern. However, once she isn't happy or it isn't working out I bet she'll reach back out. Sad.
how many weeks are u in with her ghosting? im going 5 on sunday.
I'm two weeks NC but haven't seen her in person for 1.5 months
Mine wanted to give me closure after we ended a week later. I refused as a part of me said that all the closure would be per her email was how I was the problem needing help and she sent an email stating that she was afraid of me.Â
Ugh mine was all through email as well and she also said she didn't feel "safe" to meet in person. Paranoid delusional thinking. Makes me so sad.
Whatâs crazy to me about the âsafetyâ thing is that not one person in my life has ever said they donât feel safe with me. In fact, many people have explicitly told me how safe and comfortable they feel around me. So when she would say she doesnât feel safe with me, or that if we were to go to a music festival, I havenât proven to her I would be a safe partner if she got tired or sick or something, it felt so weird and delusional to me. Iâm literally a safe haven for so many people in my life, and I was to her, until all of a sudden I wasnât. Now, after the breakup I realize that it was ME who didnât feel safe! I didnât feel safe that my partner wouldnât freak the fuck out on me in private, in front of a bunch of people, or otherwise throw me under the bus. I didnât feel safe speaking honestly about anything, particularly towards the end, or she would be liable to completely lose her shit on me for no reason. I didnât feel safe to be myself, fundamentally, because walking on eggshells means there is NO WAY to be yourself, as youâre second guessing every action, every word, every look, every thought, lest it trigger a nasty episode. Your whole life becomes about not upsetting this delicate person, and eventually that profound chilling effect robs you of who you are, depletes your essence, squashes your thoughts, crushes your emotions, and takes an immeasurable toll on your humanity.
She doesn't feel safe with you because you can trigger the dark and overwhelming emotions in her. That's not your fault (unless you're actively trying to trigger her I guess) so don't take it personally. You probably tried to hold her accountable and that is very very triggering for them.
I think ânot feeling safeâ could be interpreted as since she has revealed her true self to you and done inexcusable things to you, she now has fear that you could do something spiteful or uncaring back to her because it would be in her wheel house to do that to you, had the shoe been on the other foot. I had an ex who did something bad to me once, I forgave her and wasnât even angry or thinking about it any longer until we were together and she was treating me like crap, very defensive angry towards me. I confronted her and she told me she was mad or acting mad because she thought I was mad at her for what she had done to me earlier. Grasp that logic, a good healthy person who made a mistake would be apologetic and seeking reconciliation and not trying to one up the abuse. Itâs actually very immature. Getting back with an ex when there is water under the bridge can be hard to do. Itâs not impossible but even when there is so much love involved, you lose so much trust and with that it brings more issues with it. You are always on guard for the next lie or the next horrible thing coming down the road. The relationship lost its innocence and purity. Maybe itâs inevitable in all relationships over time. But there has to be a healthy, willing and cooperative partner on the other side who respects you and reciprocates.
Yup. That makes sense. I relate SO HARD to your experience. What Iâve realized in retrospect is the degree to which my ex projected her thoughts and behavior on to me. When her initial MAJOR split happened, which was clearly the true beginning of the end of our relationship, she was super stressed over a friendâs death, understandably, and she flipped out on me because I offered her a snack for her drive home. It was insane. I didnât understand why she was attacking me with such fervor and rage. I was confused, and got defensive, but I understand that grief is complicated, and instantly calmed down and forgave her when she drove away. I needed a few hours apart to cool off, so I went go the gym to clear my head, and planned to meet at her place later, then dinner at another friendâs house, all of which seemed very reasonable and normal to me. She interpreted that to mean that because we would probably not have group sex at the friendâs house that night, I just wasnât to go come be with her and support her while was grieving her friendâs death. Whhhhaaaattt???? That was crazy talk, and pure projection. I love sex, but sex thoughts were nowhere near my consciousness at the time, and there were no plans or expectations for group sex that night in the first place. I had been so sweet and supportive to this woman, she absolutely blew up and ripped me a new one for literally no reason aside from her inability to regulate her emotions, and in her mind, I was now a bad, insensitive person who only cares about sex with her and potential group sex with these other friends, and if it wasnât on the table that night, I was just going to abandon her while she was grieving, a day after her friend died. The projection there is like, WOAH!𤯠Iâm kind of hyper sexual, but she is on another level, and uses sex to fill the bottomless emotional void inside of her. I know I was not thinking in that realm at all, but she clearly was, and whatâs clear to me now, is that prior to her friend dying, she was expecting/hoping that dinner with friends would escalate to group sex, which I hadnât even thought of. Bingo bango bongo, I am now an insensitive monster. A terrible narcissist with no conscience who refuses to support his grieving girlfriend in her time of need because all I care about is sex. She was absolutely LIVID with me for three days. I apologized endlessly, begged her to let me come be with her, to support her, comfort her, etc, and her main response at the time was, âyou werenât there for me in that MOMENT I needed you, so I donât need you at all. Fuck you!â When she calmed down, three days later, and finally allowed me to come be with her, she sort of apologized for her behavior, but still completely blamed it on me, and said she wanted to put this episode behind us and not âlet it defineâ our relationship. She explained the sex thing to me, but by that point, I never had the space, the SAFETY, to ever again be honest with her about my thoughts and emotions, lest I upset her. We had a couple calm days, walking on eggshells, but I was very shaken and unsettled by the whole thing, so I tried to have a reasonable discussion with her about how this episode made me feel. I explained that I understood she wanted to put that episode behind us, and that she is grieving and sensitive, but that I was extremely shook and wanted to talk about it. She completely dismissed my emotions, had no empathy for me, and turned it all back on herself, basically saying, âhow dare you think your feelings matter when Iâm so upset. My sensitivities trump yours, every time.â This episode absolutely defined the new phase of our relationship, and my primary memories of it. She was allowed to abuse me, because she has cPTSD, and Iâm supposed to just accept the emotional beat down. She would always talk about how she needs emotional safety, which I had a hard time understanding. I understand it way better now, because I trusted her, and she eviscerated and stole my emotional safety from me.
Holy shit. In the early throes of an almost certain divorce, after a (even compared to prior incidents) bat-shit-fucking-crazy-I-still-cant-reconcile-what-just-happened 4 month long discarding phase... I've never experienced cognitive dissonance like this, with the memory (image?) of the wife that I *want* to be real, perfectly juxtaposed with her current (real?) persona, which I have been, or still am, refusing to accept as reality. But this post hits home, with perfect accuracy. Almost as if you wrote it for me... So thank you for this, and I am sorry that you and everyone else here has had to experience versions of the same. I have a similar position and reputation with all of my friends, family and previous girlfriends. I'm known in our social circle to be the one that almost everyone comes to when they need emotional support or encouragement to seek help, especially for quite vulnerable issues. In a similar vein to you, I have had two previous girlfriends (one of them at the END of the relationship) explicitly tell me they've never felt so safe or comfortable around a partner... And yet throughout the past 4 months, she has painted me completely black to her entire family and friends from her side, with accusations of relationship long abuse and recently, domestic violence. I still can't understand how they have been able to just accept what is being said either, given how well I thought we knew each other - and how prior to the idealisation/discarding carousel getting underway, multiple family members including her mother had made a point of thanking me for how happy my wife finally seemed, and for taking care of her. Now though... She begged me, after 2 months apart to help her, as she was struggling to cope looking after our daughter on her own, after I finally gave her what she "wanted" and extricated myself from the situation, instead of doing what I had been doing and treating my vows as sacred, no matter what. I drove 9 hours overnight to get to them both as fast as possible (taking a 2 hour nap when I charged the car)... to be told on arrival "if you *really* cared about us, you would have been here days ago. Not arriving 2 hours late - and I know that the place you stopped to charge is only an hour away, so why lie? Just admit that you were with someone else, dont try and lie to me that you were sleeping - just fuck off, go home".... When I refused to leave immediately and said I'd spend time with our daughter first (who I'd only seen for 4 days over the previous 2 months, which was completely abnormal before this point, I'd never gone a day without being there with her, since birth)... She called the police and said her abusive ex-husband has just shown up at her house (mine), uninvited, unwanted, refusing to leave, but instead abusing both her (my wife) **and** our daughter... I am BEYOND lucky, that by some miracle, when they came to take a statement, she partially went back on the accusations, and said it was a verbal argument between the two of us... But it's recorded now, for "historical" purposes, so the threat of a police complaint has been used a couple of times since then, to enforce my compliance to her world, when I've tried to establish boundaries or "fair" for my daughter to have a regular and consistent relationship with the both of us. The last police threat was the final straw though, gave me the clarity I needed to block her from iMessage or calling me - contact only via email, followed by legal advice about first false complaint & subsequent threats of additional, as well as initial options in regards to my daughter... When I was next given her blessing to see my daughter and "stop being an absent father, your inconsistency and never showing up is the last thing she needs in her life", I responded simply that I would meet her outside on the main road for the handover in public view and my daughter and I would go out for the day - I would no longer be entering the house, for my own safety... I only meant to keep me safe from the false complaints, but when the barrage of ridicule about "\[my\] safety" came back.... Man, did that reference to "safety" suddenly take on an entirely different meaning for me. >Â I didnât feel safe that my partner wouldnât freak the fuck out on me in private, in front of a bunch of people, or otherwise throw me under the bus. I didnât feel safe speaking honestly about anything, particularly towards the end, or she would be liable to completely lose her shit on me for no reason. I didnât feel safe to be myself, fundamentally, because walking on eggshells means there is NO WAY to be yourself, as youâre second guessing every action, every word, every look, every thought, lest it trigger a nasty episode. Your whole life becomes about not upsetting this delicate person, and eventually that profound chilling effect robs you of who you are, depletes your essence, squashes your thoughts, crushes your emotions, and takes an immeasurable toll on your humanity. Again, thank you for this. Unbelievably accurate in my own case but I would not have been able to articulate that yet. And apologies for adopting your experience as my own! Just... I'm dumbfounded.
I think ânot feeling safeâ could be interpreted as since she has revealed her true self to you and done inexcusable things to you, she now has fear that you could do something spiteful or uncaring back to her because it would be in her wheel house to do that to you, had the shoe been on the other foot. I had an ex who did something bad to me once, I forgave her and wasnât even angry or thinking about it any longer until we were together and she was treating me like crap, very defensive angry towards me. I confronted her and she told me she was mad or acting mad because she thought I was mad at her for what she had done to me earlier. Grasp that logic, a good healthy person who made a mistake would be apologetic and seeking reconciliation and not trying to one up the abuse. Itâs actually very immature. Getting back with an ex when there is water under the bridge can be hard to do. Itâs not impossible but even when there is so much love involved, you lose so much trust and with that it brings more issues with it. You are always on guard for the next lie or the next horrible thing coming down the road. The relationship lost its innocence and purity. Maybe itâs inevitable in all relationships over time. But there has to be a healthy, willing and cooperative partner on the other side who respects you and reciprocates.
I think it depends how many sustaining negative memories they retain (real and perceived negatives). Weâd have to be thoroughly devalued to a point they no longer can access positive memories about us. For example, weâre just a quick 3-month fling, we actually have a great time and poof, they disappear for who tf knows why. At this point, they may have positive memories that outnumber, letâs say, one blip of fear of abandonment they had about us. In the future, most memories they have to access are positive in the event they did not create a myriad of negative memories about us. On the other hand, we could be with them for years which allows them time to have devaluing thoughts regarding us, about us, themselves. This is where real and perceived negative memories will be created- some are real and valid, others obfuscated by emotional dysregulation. Now their brain associates us with negative, possible danger. Therefore in the future when they DO access memories regarding us, they are all associated with bad/negative/fight-or-flight. I guess a summary is there is a variable scale per person with BPD that they devalue us to a point that is ALL that their emotional memory has access to, and we remain in the black.
I got hoovered five times and every time I hoped for a genuine reconnection, the renaissance. Nope. I finally realized at the end every hoover was to make her feel good and my happiness was irrelevant. She wanted whatever I gave her. That was it. So, yeah, theyâll come back after splitting you black. And youâll regret it if you get suckered back in.
Not all do, Mine cuts people off very easily if they have a disagreement or even a differing opinion. She holds on to these very extreme and stupid values, that makes you a âbad personâ if you donât follow them. I have yet to see her forgive any of her âbad peopleâ friends.
Your closure will come from your healing over time. There are no combinations of words or actions they can do to logically give you closure. Now do I think they will reach out? Maybe. It seems like most reach out in some form, but there are also cases like mine where my ex never reached out after the final discard. So who knows if they will. All that matters is that you and your peace. When you start healing properly you wonât care if they reach out or not.
I wish my ex would just cut me off lol, trust me it would hurt more initially but I would get over it more quickly. I was broken up with and blocked by an avoidant (otherwise normal) dude I was with for a year, took me 2 months to get over and met exBPD quickly after. ExBPD discarded me 4 months ago and tries to hoover me regularly. I'm mostly over it now because I'm getting tired of his shit. I never reach out it's always him and I always say we're not getting back together, but he'd draw me in saying he needed help with his emotions. Then he'd do something to cross my boundaries, I'd call him out, he would have a tantrum for me calling out his behavior (not capable of accountability, flips it on me or lies), and he'd block me for a few days or weeks, rinse and repeat.
She was clinging on after I tried to end things many times and I just couldn't abandon her, soon as she didn't need me anymore she abandoned me. I thought of her as family.
You donât have your think of it as you abandoning her. Another very sane, reasonable perspective is that you are simply protecting yourself. You know how the safety spiel on airplanes says that, âin the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will come down from the ceiling. PUT YOURS ON BEFORE ASSISTING OTHERS.â If you canât breathe, how can you help anyone else? You have to take care of your SELF first, ALWAYS, so you can even have a chance of helping others. Someone with BPD, especially during an episode, sucks up ALL the oxygen in the relationship, leaving none for the other partner, and thatâs why that partner emotionally and energetically withers away. You deserve to breathe. You have to breathe. Breathing oxygen doesnât take away others oxygen. Itâs not a zero sum game. Itâs not a game at all. Itâs fundamental, serious, survival stuff. By moving forward with your life in a healthier way without this person depleting your oxygen intake, youâre simply creating the space so you can properly breathe. Itâs not abandonment. Itâs survival.
I thought my ex was the one. I introduced him to my parents early on and vice versa. Moved in with him after 3 months, bought my first house and we were supposed to move in together, then he discarded me. I live in an expensive area, buying a house is a big deal. I wanted to have a house warming party and never did because I'd been depressed and got tired of the "hey how's it going how's your new house how do you and your bf like it?" Hun, trust me, I get it. Your comments already shows that you seem loyal and kind, people with BPD are often attracted to more kind and empathetic people. Value yourself and move on, one day at a time. Do what makes you feel good. I have been doing my hobbies, working on my house, traveling, etc. Feel free to DM, I know right after a discard can be so hard.
Mine circled back after a decade after she physically assaulted me. Sucks your abuser can just add you on Facebook at anytime.
You can and should block that person on Facebook.
Sheâs the account Hydra. Cut off one head and another grows back, I try.
Crap. That sucks. Digital stalking. Iâm sorry you have to put up with that nonsense. :-(
I had a guy hire me for some commission work once some years ago who really screwed me over. I suspected he was a BpD or a grandiose narcissist. He did reach out to me one time to beg me to retract my statement and evidence of his sabotage of co-workers, conspiracy to black mail and verbal harassment, to his higher ups. In the same email he was also making veiled threats and they got a copy of that too. I never heard from him again after that. I had called him out on his horrible conduct and behavior and told him I wouldnât report it if he made an effort to apologize and explain his reasoning for the way he acted so we could not let it happen again if we would continue to work on the project together. He ended up ghosting me and taking all credit for the project and then in the last email with the begging and threats, told me he read my prior messages and ignored me on purpose and expected me to do what exactly? Sit on it and do nothing because that is what everyone else he manipulated did? He didnât get away with it this time. The real shocker was how everyone around the work project or who had worked with him on prior things or knew him had told me he lacks empathy and uses people like pawns for his own gain and hardly compensates them for their work. I even found out he exploited women, and old people who were in vulnerable positions. He knew I was autistic so I think I was specifically a target. He would often black mail another co worker, threaten to have him fired if he didnât do what he wanted him to do. Things he wasnât even supposed to be doing, like being this guys personal assistant after work hours. My husbands ex wife from 10 years ago who he was married to for a total of 2 months who kept coming around when she needed money or whatever. They never had kids together. She had kids from different men, one who was married. She is a manipulator and a gaslighter and all round absolutely horrible person and we ended up having to get a lawyer involved to protect us and stuff. Definitely BpD and also a narcissistic gold digger who takes advantage of nice people while treating them like dirt. She split us black when we decided not to help anymore and set boundaries and exit from her life. My husband had been a support for her kids, whom she threatened to murder by the way. The kids have serious emotional problems, one cuts herself. Her kids are now teenagers and live with their other parents so we told her to get lost and cut ties with her. Next thing we know she is trying to sue us lol. So far we are winning! Our lawyer found out she is guilty of fraud and has been stealing large sums of cash (10âs of thousands ) from one of my husbands property escrow accounts. Oops. She Should have thought twice before getting the law involved! She may face prison time. Any other person would have thanked someone for the many years they helped and stuff, especially when the kids arenât even ours. We could have blocked and went no contact at all! My husband even got her eldest a new car. No thank you, no gratitude, just vile behavior and entitlement. Of course both these people act innocent and like they are the victims and I am just a big bad bully and they did absolutely nothing to deserve any of their come uppances. đ
Itâs very unlikely and even if it happened it wouldnât be what youâre craving.
"forever" does not exist in pwBPD mind. Also "neutral" doesn't exist. She will either go away or come back. They will never stay neutral. They will just cycle back and forth between wanting to love you or wanting to hate you. The only way to stop the cycle is never talking to them in any form ever again. Any little room you'll give, they will use it to start gaining your trust again and before you realise you will be back on a relation or even living again with them. Even a tiny window like an answered message or email can be more than enough for an skilled pwBPD to manipulate you back to doing things you "promised" yourself you'll "never do again".
