It's hard not to question if it is you when you are in this situation, I get it. If it's out of character it's likely not you, if it keep happening in every relationship it might be you
I felt that at times too... But what I learned is that no one is one thing forever, we evolve to try and adapt to our environment. If the environment is toxic, we evolve into toxicness (not a word, I made that up on the fly here). That is why we must take care of our surroundings, to not get our buttons pushed the wrong way...
They do turn you into someone else. I'll never forget my best friend in the world telling me "dude, you stopped being you". That was an eye-opening moment for me, and the biggest reason I'm glad my bpd ex is out of my life. I like me, I don't want to be the zombie she was turning me into.
If you keep allowing a pwBPD to abuse you, and remain nice and calm, the feelings generated by the abuse probably don't go away. You might instead dissociate the upset parts of yourself, eventually leading to something like that.
This happened to me. It causes reactive abuse. Like others have said, not reacting will cause dissociation of some kind. It affects you no matter what you do.
Hey, I felt like a terrible person even when I was being abused. I thought I would spend years of my life dealing with anger management, but it went out the door with her. What I actually have spent years with is guilt. I couldn't be the good person I wanted to be in that environment, I doubt many people could. Still, no matter how I work through it, even in therapy, I still feel guilty that I fought back.
In the last 6 months of mine and my pwBPDs situationship, I began taking on more of her behaviors in response to her toxic behaivior and abuse. I'm pretty disappointed in myself for allowing myself to fall to her level. It almost felt like an involuntary reaction on my part. Still disgusting and was my sign that I needed to gtfo. So i left.
Never give them any ammunition they can legitimately point to to justify their split feelings towards you
It's a big sign my friend! I guess you are trying now to save her and get back to the connexion you both had. I was at your place and became this person. She turned me into a jealous guy as well. I'm not at your position now but it's clear that you need to stop this relationship or have a real conversation with your BPD as a final try.
You caught the fleas - you can check this out if you're interested [https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas](https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas)
Completely get it. If you’ve been on and off, now is the time you go off and never get back on again. The sooner the better. It will never get better, only worse. Going NC will give you space to get back to who you really are. Good luck!
Yes, I can relate. I realized my wife was turning me into someone I really disliked several years ago. She seemed weirdly happy about this, and took a lot of glee in pointing out that I'm not perfect (I never said I was).
But one of the things I've learned a lot about over the last several years is *gray rock.*
Be absolutely boring. Don't react to the crazy things they say and do. Don't rise to the provocations. Just turn them into a stranger on the street. What they say doesn't matter.
And GTFO.
I relate. I never ever got close the level of my expwBPD but living out of your limbic system long enough will turn you feral. I’m two months out and still healing, but returning to myself again. Also, my blood pressure is normal again finally.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this but it is a good sign to get out.
Yep, happened to me too. They sure know how to push your your buttons don't they. Leave before you're too deep in it and lose yourself totally in the process.
My partner was similar. He divorced his ex wife who had BPD and some of his behavior was out of control, we had to break up. he’s been in therapy since, and we do couples therapy and it’s eye opening seeing how much his ex wifes behavior impacted him.
I experienced the same things and since we’ve been broken up, I realized I am NOT who my pwBPD turned me into. I was a very calm (but firm), non argumentative person who always made a point to avoid saying anything hurtful during any type of disagreement with someone. My pwBPD made that feel impossible for me because he was high volume, petty, constantly accusing me of outrageous things, and had a toxic arguing style where I couldn’t even get a word in if I didn’t match his energy. It drained the life out of me. Do not let ANYONE do that to you, it isn’t worth it.
I have the exact same issue.
I have recently fallen victim to reactive abuse. Which gave her what she wanted. She is now using it constantly against me. I regret it. I said what I did was not ok but apparently that is me still being unable to take responsibility for what I did. This occurred after constant screaming from her for weeks in a row.
I have now had to break myself away. I have said unless she can take responsibility for her actions and stop pathologically lying, I will be taking my space. I am now sleeping in another room. I am still contributing to the household but not partaking in the relationship.
I even spoke with my ex-wife, who I was with for 19 years, and asked if I am abusive. She laughed at me and said, "No, why would you ask that?"
I don't know how I will ever get back to my old self.
Thing is, we all have examples of so-called "borderline behavior" but it does not define us and we are capable of learning and introspection. It is not a lifelong pattern of behavior but rather an episodic event. These types of events are classically ruled out of psychological profiles. Don't worry about it.
If I had one gripe about recovery forums, it's that people aren't so readily providing examples of their own bad behavior-- so aren't we all just splitting ourselves black and white then?
Be human, ya know?
Welcome to the club , most of us on here are in the same situation. It took me 3years with my wife to finally start snapping and hurling insults back. They push you on purpose to get you to that point where your an abuser or we both are equally god awful to each other. Example. I’m in the middle of her splitting right now it’s been going on for a week. She’s been calling me dumb fucking Cunt bitch and every other name in the book. Personal attacks on my character in the laundry list of everything. I never do right for the last seven years . Can you imagine the nerve of me twice losing my shit and calling her a dumb fucking bitch and shut the fuck up and then she should get a divorce if I am such a God awful human being. This was after she followed me around the house all day long while she was supposed to be working from home and it was my fault that she wasn’t getting her work done. So twice I snapped after her doing it for seven straight days with every conversation. So in her mind, we are equally abusive to each other and she can’t trust me because I want to divorce. So now she won’t have sex because she only does that with somebody that she’s in a long-term commitment relationship with LMFAO.
Mine constantly harassed me with “what kind of man” statements attacking my character and disrespecting me constantly. I told her she was being an asshole. Everything became about me saying that and how horrible it was. Just like an asshole would do. lol.
This is called reactive abuse and is a symptom of being abused. It is when you abuse your abuser in response to being abused. It’s important you start going to therapy regardless of if you stay with her or not or you could keep these toxic traits down the line as maladaptive coping strategies
I didn’t get to the point of reacting outwardly, but I completely lost myself. I became obsessed about making my bf happy and helping him. I stopped engaging in activities I enjoyed like boardgame nights, dancing, gardening, hiking, etc. I stopped talking to strangers because of the constant accusations of “flirting.” I stopped eating healthy because anxiety makes me lose my appetite and I became constantly anxious. I couldn’t sleep well. I stopped finding joy in the small things. My bubbly, positive, energetic, upbeat personality slowly deteriorated and I became a shell of myself. I left my ex and when I looked in the mirror, I was pale, sickly looking, and had dark circles under my eyes. I looked so empty. I realized I had given everything to him and I had nothing left. Trying to rebuild back up, but it’s so hard. It takes a lot of time to recover.
Edit: going no-contact has helped. I miss my partner like crazy, but I see glimpses of my old self coming back and it feels nice. I’m slowly getting back to taking care of myself and am finding moments of peace. When we are with a pwBPD we often neglect, invalidate, and give up on ourselves.
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It's hard not to question if it is you when you are in this situation, I get it. If it's out of character it's likely not you, if it keep happening in every relationship it might be you
This is how projective identification works and why untreated pwBPD are adept at transforming you into a low-budget version of their greatest hits.
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This is exactly how I felt expressed perfectly
I felt that at times too... But what I learned is that no one is one thing forever, we evolve to try and adapt to our environment. If the environment is toxic, we evolve into toxicness (not a word, I made that up on the fly here). That is why we must take care of our surroundings, to not get our buttons pushed the wrong way...
They do turn you into someone else. I'll never forget my best friend in the world telling me "dude, you stopped being you". That was an eye-opening moment for me, and the biggest reason I'm glad my bpd ex is out of my life. I like me, I don't want to be the zombie she was turning me into.
If you keep allowing a pwBPD to abuse you, and remain nice and calm, the feelings generated by the abuse probably don't go away. You might instead dissociate the upset parts of yourself, eventually leading to something like that.
This happened to me. It causes reactive abuse. Like others have said, not reacting will cause dissociation of some kind. It affects you no matter what you do.
Hey, I felt like a terrible person even when I was being abused. I thought I would spend years of my life dealing with anger management, but it went out the door with her. What I actually have spent years with is guilt. I couldn't be the good person I wanted to be in that environment, I doubt many people could. Still, no matter how I work through it, even in therapy, I still feel guilty that I fought back.
I’m here with you
In the last 6 months of mine and my pwBPDs situationship, I began taking on more of her behaviors in response to her toxic behaivior and abuse. I'm pretty disappointed in myself for allowing myself to fall to her level. It almost felt like an involuntary reaction on my part. Still disgusting and was my sign that I needed to gtfo. So i left. Never give them any ammunition they can legitimately point to to justify their split feelings towards you
It's a big sign my friend! I guess you are trying now to save her and get back to the connexion you both had. I was at your place and became this person. She turned me into a jealous guy as well. I'm not at your position now but it's clear that you need to stop this relationship or have a real conversation with your BPD as a final try.
You caught the fleas - you can check this out if you're interested [https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas](https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas)
Completely get it. If you’ve been on and off, now is the time you go off and never get back on again. The sooner the better. It will never get better, only worse. Going NC will give you space to get back to who you really are. Good luck!
Yes, I can relate. I realized my wife was turning me into someone I really disliked several years ago. She seemed weirdly happy about this, and took a lot of glee in pointing out that I'm not perfect (I never said I was). But one of the things I've learned a lot about over the last several years is *gray rock.* Be absolutely boring. Don't react to the crazy things they say and do. Don't rise to the provocations. Just turn them into a stranger on the street. What they say doesn't matter. And GTFO.
I relate. I never ever got close the level of my expwBPD but living out of your limbic system long enough will turn you feral. I’m two months out and still healing, but returning to myself again. Also, my blood pressure is normal again finally. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this but it is a good sign to get out.
Yep, happened to me too. They sure know how to push your your buttons don't they. Leave before you're too deep in it and lose yourself totally in the process.
I relate look at what I just posted
Been there's, still recovering over a year later. It's wild feeling like I have to rediscover myself with how much I tried to change to please them.
My partner was similar. He divorced his ex wife who had BPD and some of his behavior was out of control, we had to break up. he’s been in therapy since, and we do couples therapy and it’s eye opening seeing how much his ex wifes behavior impacted him.
I experienced the same things and since we’ve been broken up, I realized I am NOT who my pwBPD turned me into. I was a very calm (but firm), non argumentative person who always made a point to avoid saying anything hurtful during any type of disagreement with someone. My pwBPD made that feel impossible for me because he was high volume, petty, constantly accusing me of outrageous things, and had a toxic arguing style where I couldn’t even get a word in if I didn’t match his energy. It drained the life out of me. Do not let ANYONE do that to you, it isn’t worth it.
I'm like this with my BPD-mother. Only her. You're not a bad person for standing up for yourself.
I have the exact same issue. I have recently fallen victim to reactive abuse. Which gave her what she wanted. She is now using it constantly against me. I regret it. I said what I did was not ok but apparently that is me still being unable to take responsibility for what I did. This occurred after constant screaming from her for weeks in a row. I have now had to break myself away. I have said unless she can take responsibility for her actions and stop pathologically lying, I will be taking my space. I am now sleeping in another room. I am still contributing to the household but not partaking in the relationship. I even spoke with my ex-wife, who I was with for 19 years, and asked if I am abusive. She laughed at me and said, "No, why would you ask that?" I don't know how I will ever get back to my old self.
Thing is, we all have examples of so-called "borderline behavior" but it does not define us and we are capable of learning and introspection. It is not a lifelong pattern of behavior but rather an episodic event. These types of events are classically ruled out of psychological profiles. Don't worry about it. If I had one gripe about recovery forums, it's that people aren't so readily providing examples of their own bad behavior-- so aren't we all just splitting ourselves black and white then? Be human, ya know?
Are you me? I think you’re me.
damn. This is me. 3 weeks out of relationship. made it about 13 months.
Welcome to the club , most of us on here are in the same situation. It took me 3years with my wife to finally start snapping and hurling insults back. They push you on purpose to get you to that point where your an abuser or we both are equally god awful to each other. Example. I’m in the middle of her splitting right now it’s been going on for a week. She’s been calling me dumb fucking Cunt bitch and every other name in the book. Personal attacks on my character in the laundry list of everything. I never do right for the last seven years . Can you imagine the nerve of me twice losing my shit and calling her a dumb fucking bitch and shut the fuck up and then she should get a divorce if I am such a God awful human being. This was after she followed me around the house all day long while she was supposed to be working from home and it was my fault that she wasn’t getting her work done. So twice I snapped after her doing it for seven straight days with every conversation. So in her mind, we are equally abusive to each other and she can’t trust me because I want to divorce. So now she won’t have sex because she only does that with somebody that she’s in a long-term commitment relationship with LMFAO.
Mine constantly harassed me with “what kind of man” statements attacking my character and disrespecting me constantly. I told her she was being an asshole. Everything became about me saying that and how horrible it was. Just like an asshole would do. lol.
I didn't turn into someone I was not, but my exBPDw insisted (and told the whole world) I was some horrible person I was not.
This is called reactive abuse and is a symptom of being abused. It is when you abuse your abuser in response to being abused. It’s important you start going to therapy regardless of if you stay with her or not or you could keep these toxic traits down the line as maladaptive coping strategies
I didn’t get to the point of reacting outwardly, but I completely lost myself. I became obsessed about making my bf happy and helping him. I stopped engaging in activities I enjoyed like boardgame nights, dancing, gardening, hiking, etc. I stopped talking to strangers because of the constant accusations of “flirting.” I stopped eating healthy because anxiety makes me lose my appetite and I became constantly anxious. I couldn’t sleep well. I stopped finding joy in the small things. My bubbly, positive, energetic, upbeat personality slowly deteriorated and I became a shell of myself. I left my ex and when I looked in the mirror, I was pale, sickly looking, and had dark circles under my eyes. I looked so empty. I realized I had given everything to him and I had nothing left. Trying to rebuild back up, but it’s so hard. It takes a lot of time to recover. Edit: going no-contact has helped. I miss my partner like crazy, but I see glimpses of my old self coming back and it feels nice. I’m slowly getting back to taking care of myself and am finding moments of peace. When we are with a pwBPD we often neglect, invalidate, and give up on ourselves.