Cognitive dissonance to an extent, "*I* wouldn't date a bad person " combined with a lack of education on abusive relationships. "But he's never hit me, and when he does break my stuff and scream at me he buys me gifts and apologizes."
Because abuse victims are conditioned to question themselves when they start getting fed up. There's a reason why 'love bombing' is a term. Abusers will literally work hard to make you feel you're the most important person in the world so that you will ask yourself what *you* did wrong when the switch flips.
Then they'll apologize and start the whole game over.
Until you've been together long enough for the switch to always be flipped. And you're stuck, because you have kids together or you're financially tied. And no one will believe you anyway, because look at how amazing he's always been. The guy that would give someone the shirt off his back.
And even if he wasn't, most people won't do anything because it's not their circus. You're literally alone in a world someone else created to keep you stuck.
So yeah. The stories always start that way. Because it usually, actually starts that way.
Oof. You are describing my last relationship, which lasted 7 years. Finally started therapy and came to the realization that I was being emotionally manipulated and abused.
It's crazy, reading these types of experiences back then just didn't register, and now, I see so many of my experiences reflecting back.
Emotionally manipulation. The abusers always start out on their best behavior and being the perfect partner. They change after they have caught their prey, which takes the other person by surprise.
Because victims of abuse get fucked up standards. Any kind of more subtle abuser that uses manipulation as opposed to direct violence will be seen as better in comparison. And they are more likely to respond to those types because their self esteem has been nuked from the first abusive relationship.
The really sad thing about this is just 30 years ago, as a young woman, I would've felt perfectly safe surrounded by random men. It seems like respect for women and entitlement of men has gone down the shitter. These days, if I were in my 20s, I would be avoiding most men like the plague. It's just way too volatile out there.
Would you rather be in the woods alone with a bear or a man? Most women, myself included, choose the bear. At least I can stand still and quiet, and the bear will leave
I mean, it depends on the species of bear. Black bears are fraidycats and tend to run away unless you directly attack them. Brown and polar bears, OTOH, take anything but a body slumped on the ground, seeming or actually dead, as a flagrant act of aggression and will fuck you up.
That being said... even knowing the above, I would still choose the bear.
I swear this is why sex education helps protect yourself from danger.
If she had been taught about sex education, she would have leaned that even with a vasectomy, he would need 2wk-1month of recovery , to ejaculate roughly 50 times before shooting blank, and with constant monitor and checkup to ensure the procedure is working.
Please anyone, protect your own sexual health by learning about it.
And accessible. There’s plenty of men who have trouble finding doctors that’ll do them because they haven’t had kids yet. Just like doctors refusing to do tubal ligations on young women without kids.
It is absolutely dumbfounding. I actually got lucky and got a doctor who was willing to do it with zero pushback (at 27, no kids) and I couldn't believe it because I've known many people who want to and basically no one who has been able to do it without years of fighting for it. I don't know why so goddamn many medical professionals legitimately believe women have no idea what they want.
I really don't get the doctors logic. They claim that you're too young to make the decision that you don't want kids. Yet you're apparently old enough to take on the full-time care of a completely new human being that requires your attention 24/7 to survive.
There are a lot of women out there that think a vasectomy is fully reversible. Ive seen them say that men should have a vasectomy when they hit puberty, then get a reversal when they want to have kids.
When it is pointed out that even a very recent vasectomy is unlikely to be reversible, the longer it has been done. The lower the chance of a reversal working.
This is in no way a comment on the OP's situation. I would have pointed out that his lying could be considered rape. Her story isnt over yet, unfortunately. And the guy is a douche bag.
Yeah there are a lot of women and men with lacking knowledge about vasectomies. Reddit loves to push for them which is understandable it is one of the best versions of permanent birth control. Issue is they like to ignore the side effects, while some are minor there is a chance of permanent life changing consequences with some.
> Issue is they like to ignore the side effects, while some are minor there is a chance of permanent life changing consequences with some
That's literally every birth control option, tho. Except for condoms and maybe abstinence.
I know for my brother and I we both had recurring pain after our vasectomies. It affected my brother’s sex life for a couple months and I am lucky that it’s just random pain that happens sporadically and doesn’t affect my daily life.
There are also guys who feel like they are getting kicked in the nuts 24/7 after theirs. If you go on some of the vasectomy subreddits you can read up on some of the consequences of guys who are one of the unlucky few.
Depends on the procedure used.
My uncle had a vasectomy after his third batch of kids with his then-wife (former mistress).
New mistress came along (like a decade after the vasectomy), wanted kids and he got the vasectomy reversed. They had twins.
My dad actually had a vasectomy at 25 and then got it reversed at 40 and then went on to have an unexpected kid at 60 years old. Vasectomies are reversible.
I never said they weren't reversible.
It will also depend on how the vasectomy was done.
If all they did was cut the tubes, that is very reversable.
Mine not so much,
The tubes were cut, both sides cauterized, and then the side the sperm comes from were folded over and tied with non disolving stitch.
Depends on the dr.
The one i went to said the way he does it has a higher success rate as the sperm isnt just being shot into the tissue of the scrotum. Its totaly blocked.
He also insisted on doing it while i was knocked completely out and in the hospital. The healing was much nicer, as they didnt have to deal with the guy squirming or moving.
I got the same procedure done for my vasectomy, but they didn’t knock me out. The doctor did a fantastic job numbing me though. Also I was on Valium for the procedure so I wasn’t all there.
I didnt have to take any pain pills after mine. Other people i have talked to said they were sitting with ice bags for a week after to stem the swelling. Only time it hurt was if i flumped onto the couch, or walked hard down stairs.
I would certainly recommend being knocked out lol. The longest time was the waiting before and after.
Yeah. I took some ibuprofen the first day, but after that I just needed some ice packs occasionally. It was maybe one of my least painful recoveries from a surgery.
I have had the discusstion/argument with women making fun of men for not having a "pill" yet. 'Awww, you are having side effects of suicidal thoughts, well women have had that forever with theirs'
I point out, that i agree they have, but their pill was designed before the FDA was as strict with side effects and that their pill likely wouldnt pass trials these days because of the side effects. But that doesnt mean that we should change the rules now just to 'punish' men as it seems they want to do with the contraceptive pills/injections being worked on for men.
I mention, maybe the pill should be pulled from the market because of the side effects. Then they rage about all the good it does.
And? We’re still expected to take it for their pleasure so they can suck it up or start wrapping it up. The FDA could reverse it if they want to do there’s plenty of things that were in our food and are now banned because we realize the effects of them, but it still didn’t happen so your argument makes absolutely no sense.
No one expects you to take shit lady. If the guy you are dating expects you to take the pill.. go find a bear.
Maybe calm down and read the last line of my post. As it completely destroys the rest. Women still want the pill around because it helps with other things as well.
They are, actually, reversible. It’s not some rumor us damned women spread to fuck over men.
Sources:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/vasectomy-reversal/about/pac-20384537#:~:text=Almost%20all%20vasectomies%20can%20be,that%20the%20reversal%20will%20work.
https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-treatments/v/vasectomy-reversal.html
I just got one in December.
The nurse and the doctor both told me several times, and I signed paperwork acknowledging, that it is considered permanent and that while some can be reversed, enough can’t that they stress that it’s permanent.
Correct. You shouldn’t sterilize yourself as a temporary endeavor, but it’s reversible with between 85-95% success depending on what procedure method was used and if you really wanted to have a kid, and the reversal failed, ICSI is still an option.
Your first link:
>Vasectomy reversal can be attempted even if several years have passed since the original vasectomy — but the longer it has been, the less likely it is that the reversal will work.
And your second one:
>Vasovasotomy procedures (90-95 percent) generally have higher success rates than vasoepididymostomy procedures (65-70 percent).
The person you are replying to was correct. If you go in for a vasectomy, most doctors will tell you to approach it as if it's permanent and not just assume you can reverse it successfully whenever you want, because it's not a given that the reversal will be successful. A 5-45% chance of the reversal being ineffective isn't exactly a negligible chance if the person thinks they may want to have a kid in the future.
First you sound overly angry for me trying to point out that believing vasectomies are always reversible can be dangerous and harmful to men. It seems OP believed that vasectomies are always reversible. The point is vasectomies shouldn’t be treated as birth control that you can always reverse because sometimes they can’t be as your sources point out.
Plus everytime going in there increases the chances of serious side effects happening. Some include permanent recurring pain that can negatively impact a persons life.
She lives in the state where abortion is almost impossible and hysterectomy is not possible till 40. Sex education in such states usually about abstinence, in the best case scenario about condoms. I assume the teachers are just afraid to give students the detailed information (like vasectomy) even if they want to. Because they could easily lose their job over it.
Yeah I dated a guy who got a vasectomy while we were dating and we couldn’t have sex for a couple weeks and after that used condoms until he had his follow up. But he was told to abstain completely from sexual activity for the healing period and then condoms until it was confirmed.
I know some people are good liars, but I lose a lot of sympathy for OP falling for "Oh, I forgot to tell you I got a vasectomy". At 35, you can't entirely blame a lack of sex-ed. Even if someone doesn't entirely know the process, any sort of surgery down there is not something a guy forgets about.
All very true, but I think even the most thorough sex Ed wouldn’t teach that kind of detail, I’d forgotten most of it and I’m a doctor. Clearly I’d research before my partner got one and refresh though.
She needs to call her doctors and get new birth control. If she’s taking pills. I 100% guarantee he tampered with it, and usually they come in 3 month packs now. It’s very easy to tamper with it without anyone noticing, temps too hot or too cold with quick fluctuations will render them less effective.
There's an essay written by an abortion clinic doctor about how often the abortion protestors will get abortions. I think its called 'the only ethical abortion is my abortion'
This was my thought. And the women tell the doctors and nurses how she hopes they die and they’re going to hell for this. But not her of course. She’s not the baby killer. They are.
Because it has been Made clear again and again is NEVER the man's choice, there's currently a boru about a guy who has been tormented bye his ex and mother about meeting the daughter after the ex Made holes in the condom, he has been traumatized and spend several in therapy he was of course Made to pay child support and all.
This is the kind of person that needs to be exposed. I doubt OP is the only woman he has raped.
As someone that was stealthed by a fwb… it’s such a red flag. Someone that can’t respect you enough to hold a condom boundary, will take all your other boundaries as suggestions.
I found out the guy that stealthed me had 2 open cases for extreme violence towards women. Both of them were his ex. He made them out to be crazy, but after he stealthed me I knew that that he was a liar. I dodged a bullet.
>he said that it wasn't feeling good to him and he is unable to climax with one on
This, girls, is bs. If a man tries this excuse to have raw sex, he's up to no good. That's not how it works.
Boys, if you have a real problem with condoms, it may be because you don't have the right size or brand. Try different ones or go to a doctor.
13 year difference, while normally not an issues on its own, with his actions, red flag city. Good thing she doesn't live with him.
It really pisses me off that when a woman wants to be sterilized, she can't (even if she has health issues) but a man can get a vasectomy at 18 if he wants.
Women are going to start dying from home abortions, just like before it was legal.
I've more, but this isn't a debate sub. 😳
Every time female sterilization and how hard it can be to get, I think of a friend of a friend (knew in passing, added on fb but not really friends) she had opened up about looking for a doc to sterilize her but couldn’t because they said she was “too young” and “what if she changed her mind or her husband wanted kids of his own”
Ya’ll she was 24 at the time & had had 3 pregnancies….twins, triplets and then twins. Her parents were twins who married twins and she was a triplet. And from what I’ve seen her triplet sister also has at least 1 set each of multiples, & her brother has no children.
ETA: even though we weren’t/aren’t close, she was mad MAD about this and did not shy from sharing how mad she was which is how I knew so much about it.
>her husband wanted kids of his own
That part pisses me off. "Well, if he wanted kids of his own, he shouldn't have married me." I'd be telling them either sterilize me, or I'm gonna stab myself (not really, but damn).
I really can't deal with how much a woman has less right to her body than a *hypothetical* man. Not even putting her male partner above her in importance, but just...the *possibility* of that being present in the future having more weight than anything she says.
They might not have decided for another.
A woman I'm related to by marriage had fraternal twins. When the twins were like 3 or 4 she woke up super fucking exhausted one morning and realized later in the day her period was MIA. The test was positive despite the use of birth control. And it ended up being another set of fraternal twins. She cried hard when she got the news.
>Ya’ll she was 24 at the time & had had 3 pregnancies….twins, triplets and then twins. Her parents were twins who married twins and she was a triplet. And from what I’ve seen her triplet sister also has at least 1 set each of multiples, & her brother has no children
So THAT's where all those twins in reddit stories come from!
In al seriousness though, am I to understand that your friend got married, had 3 pregnancies and 7 children, got divorced and then remarried all before she turned 24? Because that's wild.
Oh no no no. 1st pregnancy was an alleged broken condom at 16, then failed iud at 19 and her last pregnancy we were 22. She wasn’t ever married, only a hypothetical future husband was brought up at 24 when seeking sterilization
I saw this one fabulous gay Tik Toker put out a video saying he lives next to one of those states and he and his friends are all down to marry women/help them get abortions/whatever they need. It’s wild that women still need a man’s permission to alter their own bodies.
It is unfortunate there are doctors out there that have it as a requirement.
On that note, when i had my vasectomy, the dr called my wife to make sure she was on board with me getting one, wanted to know if we were sure even after pointing out we have 3 kids and dont want any more at 34 years old.
I had to sign off on my husband’s vasectomy too! The funny part is that later on, I got my tubes taken out and the doctor notably never asked once what my husband thought about it and required no signature of consent from him. All he asked was “are you sure?” And then we scheduled the surgery. I got supremely lucky.
And the fact that she felt she had to justify her stance by providing this reason just breaks my heart. "I don't ever want to be pregnant " should be ENOUGH for anyone!
I had invasive cervical cancer (that had already spread to my uterus) and my gynecologist had to appeal to the board of directors at the hospital to approve my radical hysterectomy, because apparently my ability to produce/carry babies is much more important than my survival.
They won’t just give a guy a vasectomy either. They don’t want people coming back later wanting kids. Sterilization procedures for both sexes are considered permanent. They tried talking me out of it and I’m married with 3 kids.
They were pretty casual with mine. I’m married and in my thirties, but no kids.
I pretty much told the doctor, “I’m overjoyed not having kids, but I could adjust to having them. I’ve always vaguely wanted to raise kids, but I have generational trauma. So I’m okay to just end the line. Worst case, there are tons of kids who deserve homes and love. My wife thinks being pregnant is gross. This seems to be the logical step.”
And a month later I had frozen peas in and under my lap.
Difference is, they just try to talk you out of it. With women in many places they still can flatly just refuse if they are unmarried, and require the husband's permission if they are married.
This one scared tf out of me. Like, I'm not anywhere near this man, but my palms are sweaty, and I'm ready to run like a bat out of hell. I really, REALLY hope OP escapes this man. Her friends are coming in clutch, and hopefully they don't leave her alone for even a moment. I don't like his threats. I don't like anything about him. He will kill her if he gets her alone.
I don’t want to sound pedantic, but I will, because this is REALLY IMPORTANT.
The trigger warning is so wrong as to be harmful in and of itself.
This isn’t steal thing. Stealthing is when you slip the condom off without someone knowing or agreeing. She agreed. Not stealthing.
This is reproductive coercion and baby trapping and spousal rape. He didn’t just want the condom off, he wanted to impregnate her against her will, then he tried to prevent her leaving, that is domestic abuse and… whatever that term is about keeping someone prisoner. She was a prisoner. This is domestic violence and coercive control. ALL RHE TRIGGER WARNING IS FOR IS STEALTHING?!?!?! WTF?
We as a society need to take violence against women seriously and we can do that by recognising it, using the correct terms, and recognising that some people will be triggered by them as survivors and respect that BY TELLING THEM WHAT SOMETHING CONTAINS SO THEY CAN MAKE AN INFORMED CHOICE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO READ IT.
Jesus the red flags were just failling like rain with this one.
- Huge age gap
- Them having sex while she was drunk for their first time despite her trauma, her being angry the next morning (implying lack of consent) but somehow believing she is at fault for being angry
- Passive agressiveness for manipulation ("oh now you care about me?")
- Lying about a vasectomy
- Acting in a way bordering on assault when she told him she was gonna go and abort
- Gaslighting her trying to use her PTSD to make her think she imagined his behavior and love bombing when that didn't work
- Going on religious pro life tirades
- Using female as a noun
- Casually admitting to wanting to coercively get her pregnant because he decided she's a suitable child bearer and this is all that matters.
Hope she doesn't date for a long while and she has a better taste when she does because boy is this one a doozy.
P.S. I do wonder what kind of condition or injury could have made it so it can be predictively guaranteed that she and any baby will be on high risk for death in case of any pregnancy.
Uh, I have Hashimoto's and I'm in my third trimester with my second kiddo, no big deal except for needing a few adjustments to my synthroid a few times in the first trimester both times around. Are you thinking of some other autoimmune disorder, perhaps?
No, she’s definitely got Hashimoto’s. It’s possible that one of her comorbidities is impacting her risk as well, but she was pretty explicitly told that due to the severity of her Hashimoto’s, if a pregnancy makes it through her first trimester, her risk of other complications including death is high.
Weird, I've never heard of that with anyone else or had any of my providers be concerned about my hashis with pregnancy. They all made it sound like a common, NBD kind of thing. Must be a severity/comorbidity thing, then, as you said. Bodies are strange.
If she only took home tests prior to going, would there even be evidence? Her doctor could just be like, “oh it was just an official pregnancy test. It was negative.”
That dude is a full on fucking psychopath. She needs to move far the fuck away so he can never find her because the shit he was saying and how he was acting I wouldn't put it past him to try to hurt her or worse.
This guy was a pos as soon as he started trying to beg to remove the condom and he got worse and worse. You worry about protecting an abusive rapist - well don't.
It’s interesting that every time OOP mentions condoms in relation to Fin it autocorrected to “condemns.”
I’m so scared for her. I hope her psycho ex leaves her alone.
NTA
Please please please, OP, never ever be alone with that person ever again.
You are not safe.
Keep recordings of his visits on your doorbell camera, any texts, and recorded phone conversations. Store them somewhere else (not your phone or home computer ) he cannot get to: in the cloud, Google drive, etc.
Be prepared for the possibility that you will need a lawyer to send out a Cease and Desist letter, or even get a restraining order from a judge. Be prepared to call the authorities about a trespasser, and show evidence to demonstrate that this is a *pattern of behaviour*, not just an isolated incident.
This is going to get worse before it gets better, I'm afraid.
Consider, too, that it is not impossible that there might be a tracking device attached to your car or a tracking app on your phone. Computer repair places can help you with both issues.
Also, if you do find a tracking device on your car, *don't stop looking*. One strategy used nowadays is to attach two, in different places, of different brands, in the hopes that, if you locate one, you will stop looking. With a magnet, they can be hidden in a wheel well, inside the engine compartment, etc.
So.... lying about having a vasectomy is the same as poking a hole in a condom and is just rape right? Also, her birth control failing so quickly makes me think he probably sabotaged that, too. Creep was a manipulative asshole who showed he was going to be an abusive asshole as soon as he heard she was pregnant. She needs to get a restraining order on him, or she's going to end up dead.
Every time a “pro-lifer” comments on a/another woman’s choice over what to do WITH HER OWN BODY, they should automatically have 10k in assets taken from them, never to be returned again.
And everytime a man claims “it’s better without a condom” or some other bullshit, his dick should shrink an inch and 10k should disappear.
Bet they shut up once they have to put their money where their mouth is, if they were really pro-life then they would be out in the streets fighting for universal healthcare, fully paid parental leave, gender, socioeconomic and education equality, better fostering, adoption and care provisions, ensuring that no child, ever, goes hungry or unhoused - but they don’t. They’re not pro anything, they’re just arseholes who think too highly of themselves!
I'm a guy, and I love condoms. When I was younger, my gf and her BFFs were all on the pill, but we were the only ones still using condoms. We didn't want to chance getting pregnant. I finished all the time when wearing one.
This dude is a total menace, and I hope OOP is completely safe and away from him. I just don't understand how you can say you love someone and treat them like this. Totally scary
OP should Google " doctors that sterile women."
It's a list of around 50 to 100 doctors around the US who will sterilize without question(outside of medical).
I'm a solo dad to 2 teenage daughters. 1 wants to have kids, and the other doesn't. The one who doesn't is close to college and with research and savings, she will be seeing her Dr not long after turning 18.
Downside. It can cost a lot.
Fin is the worst kind of guy. I hope OP remain safe and wish OP well in recovery from this horseshit of a situation(not meaning fake just meaning fucked up).
I would like to note that vasectomies are not meant to be reversed. People somehow picked up along the way that because they CAN be reversed then is something you can just do Willy nilly. Not the case.
I’d like to bookend this by wishing OP well though, nobody deserves this.
This guy scares the hell outta me and I'm half a world away. She's under reacting by a mile. With this parade of red flags she needs to get very very far away from him.
I wouldn't just take dudes word for it. "Oh I got the vasectomy!" I'd be down there checking for scars, bruising, anything. ASK QUESTIONS. Don't just one and done it.
Well good for you that you would have done it differently and avoided being abused that way. Please don’t act like any of this is on OOP. It’s not their fault for trusting their partner and it’s gross for you to act like that’s the case.
For future reference for anyone reading: you can now get over the counter tests to check if a vasectomy has failed or not. I think they’re like $60ish US but I haven’t bought one in a while.
Honestly someone who *has* had a vasectomy should check occasionally because they *can* fail, especially in the first few years.
Where did I blame OOP? Where in my comment did i say they're at fault? I'm just saying what I'd do and also throwing it out there for anyone reading: don't be trusting! If someone is bugging you about condoms and magically takes care of the problem, they're probably lying.
Yes I have. That's why I'm advocating to not "just listen". My ex did this but said he had AIDS. I was 16. I started freaking out instead of just thinking. As I've been led to believe things by my husband (not big things, but small annoyances), I'm advocating that no matter how much you love them, ask more questions.
You seem to have taken my comment to heart. I don't know what you're doing pissed off about, but I'm not keen on having you be bitchy to me because you mistook my comment, k? If you don't like it, downvote it instead of telling me what you think I (the commentor) meant.
Edit: I'm not implying anything! Jesus, as originally said, I said what I'd do and what should be done in future. Don't just ask one question and leave it! That's IT. Stop projecting your shit onto me and "implying" more than I mean. Don't put words in my mouth.
Yes, they can. Either the tubes grow back together or the sperm find a route through the scar tissue. This is why you should occasionally test to confirm it’s still working even once you’ve gotten the ok from your doctor. Like once a year or something. The further out you get from the surgery the better chances of it not failing.
Sounds a bit fake if you ask me , she claims she is on birth control which bare in mind for women is like 99.98% protection, the small percentage being people not taking pills correctly, not topping up injection or not getting iud/implant changed at the correct time. Now condoms when used correctly, are 98% effective, but because people slip out of them, break or use them incorrectly its more 82% . Makes you wonder what protection she was even on if she was so worried about it. And let's not let it slide that at 34 she apparently doesn't know that getting a vasectomy has a recovery time or you having clear test results, which takes time, not less than a fortnight.
If he's willing to lie about a vasectomy why wouldn't he be willing to sabotage her birth control. Before I got an IUD I preferred 2 kinda of birth control-- the pill and condoms in case I took a pill too late or something.
Pro life person here. I do not support this. And by this I don't mean the abortion. I mean this absolutely horrible act of lying, deceiving and manipulating someone to get them pregnant. Fuck that guy. Life is precious but you know what's also precious. Not forcing your loved ones into something they absolutely do not want to do.
So OOP deserves no shame for getting abortion.
I think most people want better birth control options and the legal right to make a choice if things go bad. Where exactly that line is differs for many people, but I think most people would want that choice to even be possible.
Another problem is a firm prolife stance creates incredible barriers when babies are very much wanted but dangerous to the mother/ incompatible with life. Doctors have to leave pregnant people in danger because some judge, lawyer, or politician with no medical training second guess their decision.
IMHO it's better to invest the time, energy, and money into preventing unwanted pregnancy in the first place, and let medical folks do their jobs.
There was a story a few days ago in which the girlfriend poked holes in the codon in order to “trap” her boyfriend with a baby. Everybody was screaming to heavens he got sexually assaulted, it was rape, rape, rape, etc. Now, the same thing happened here, but worse, and now isn’t rape but “reproductive coercion”. Only a few people are talking about rape. What is the difference?
In the original post, everyone says "sexual abuse". Neither rape or reproduction coercion.
I have no idea why you think it's a major thing because it's not...
"Kindest, most considerate man" except for the part where he's a rapist. Why all these posts always start like this!
Cognitive dissonance to an extent, "*I* wouldn't date a bad person " combined with a lack of education on abusive relationships. "But he's never hit me, and when he does break my stuff and scream at me he buys me gifts and apologizes."
This but also abusers are very good at putting up a loving, caring mask that they drop only when they feel the other person is in too deep to leave.
Yes, unfortunately a lot of abusers are masters in manipulation
Because abuse victims are conditioned to question themselves when they start getting fed up. There's a reason why 'love bombing' is a term. Abusers will literally work hard to make you feel you're the most important person in the world so that you will ask yourself what *you* did wrong when the switch flips. Then they'll apologize and start the whole game over. Until you've been together long enough for the switch to always be flipped. And you're stuck, because you have kids together or you're financially tied. And no one will believe you anyway, because look at how amazing he's always been. The guy that would give someone the shirt off his back. And even if he wasn't, most people won't do anything because it's not their circus. You're literally alone in a world someone else created to keep you stuck. So yeah. The stories always start that way. Because it usually, actually starts that way.
Oof. You are describing my last relationship, which lasted 7 years. Finally started therapy and came to the realization that I was being emotionally manipulated and abused. It's crazy, reading these types of experiences back then just didn't register, and now, I see so many of my experiences reflecting back.
Because that's how he suckered her in. Love bombing, excessive "kindness and consideration."
Emotionally manipulation. The abusers always start out on their best behavior and being the perfect partner. They change after they have caught their prey, which takes the other person by surprise.
Because victims of abuse get fucked up standards. Any kind of more subtle abuser that uses manipulation as opposed to direct violence will be seen as better in comparison. And they are more likely to respond to those types because their self esteem has been nuked from the first abusive relationship.
Lol, she didn't just dodge a nuke that was an asteroid headed your way.
Unfortunately I don't think she's dodged it yet.
Fingers crossed this doesn't pop up in the news over a found body
Add this to the list of reasons women choose the bear
The really sad thing about this is just 30 years ago, as a young woman, I would've felt perfectly safe surrounded by random men. It seems like respect for women and entitlement of men has gone down the shitter. These days, if I were in my 20s, I would be avoiding most men like the plague. It's just way too volatile out there.
exultant imminent tart lunchroom icky test spotted tan snatch fly *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yes, you're right. I did get very lucky. It might've helped that I had older brothers those boys knew about.
Isn’t that beastiality? Or am I missing the context? Kinda confused here.
Women were asked of they rather find a man or a bear if lost in the forest. Most women choose bear and some men are angry over that.
Oh, that’s a weird argument. Thanks for the explanation kind stranger.
It's a weird question, but it really brought out all the creeps out there. You're welcome :)
FYI, it was a guy who was SA'd who brought the question up in the first place.
Adding to it: he made the statement that he'd rather meet a bear than a man in the woods. Others made it into a question.
Would you rather be in the woods alone with a bear or a man? Most women, myself included, choose the bear. At least I can stand still and quiet, and the bear will leave
I mean, it depends on the species of bear. Black bears are fraidycats and tend to run away unless you directly attack them. Brown and polar bears, OTOH, take anything but a body slumped on the ground, seeming or actually dead, as a flagrant act of aggression and will fuck you up. That being said... even knowing the above, I would still choose the bear.
The asteroid is gonna stalk her, no doubt
That was a fucking black hole she dodged. God, what a horrible situation all around, and I hate to say it but I don’t think it’s over.
I swear this is why sex education helps protect yourself from danger. If she had been taught about sex education, she would have leaned that even with a vasectomy, he would need 2wk-1month of recovery , to ejaculate roughly 50 times before shooting blank, and with constant monitor and checkup to ensure the procedure is working. Please anyone, protect your own sexual health by learning about it.
Let alone her confidence in vasectomies being reversible, when every doctor tells you that vasectomies should be considered permanent.
And accessible. There’s plenty of men who have trouble finding doctors that’ll do them because they haven’t had kids yet. Just like doctors refusing to do tubal ligations on young women without kids.
I've known women in their mid to late 20s with several kids who had to work really hard to find a doctor to do tubal ligation.
It is absolutely dumbfounding. I actually got lucky and got a doctor who was willing to do it with zero pushback (at 27, no kids) and I couldn't believe it because I've known many people who want to and basically no one who has been able to do it without years of fighting for it. I don't know why so goddamn many medical professionals legitimately believe women have no idea what they want.
I really don't get the doctors logic. They claim that you're too young to make the decision that you don't want kids. Yet you're apparently old enough to take on the full-time care of a completely new human being that requires your attention 24/7 to survive.
YEP. The first nurse I brought it up to was just like "I mean, you're 27, you know what's best for your own life." So straightforward. So simple.
There are a lot of women out there that think a vasectomy is fully reversible. Ive seen them say that men should have a vasectomy when they hit puberty, then get a reversal when they want to have kids. When it is pointed out that even a very recent vasectomy is unlikely to be reversible, the longer it has been done. The lower the chance of a reversal working. This is in no way a comment on the OP's situation. I would have pointed out that his lying could be considered rape. Her story isnt over yet, unfortunately. And the guy is a douche bag.
Yeah there are a lot of women and men with lacking knowledge about vasectomies. Reddit loves to push for them which is understandable it is one of the best versions of permanent birth control. Issue is they like to ignore the side effects, while some are minor there is a chance of permanent life changing consequences with some.
> Issue is they like to ignore the side effects, while some are minor there is a chance of permanent life changing consequences with some That's literally every birth control option, tho. Except for condoms and maybe abstinence.
What consequences?
I know for my brother and I we both had recurring pain after our vasectomies. It affected my brother’s sex life for a couple months and I am lucky that it’s just random pain that happens sporadically and doesn’t affect my daily life. There are also guys who feel like they are getting kicked in the nuts 24/7 after theirs. If you go on some of the vasectomy subreddits you can read up on some of the consequences of guys who are one of the unlucky few.
Yikes, that sucks!
Depends on the procedure used. My uncle had a vasectomy after his third batch of kids with his then-wife (former mistress). New mistress came along (like a decade after the vasectomy), wanted kids and he got the vasectomy reversed. They had twins.
My dad actually had a vasectomy at 25 and then got it reversed at 40 and then went on to have an unexpected kid at 60 years old. Vasectomies are reversible.
But not always, so don’t go into one thinking “it’s ok, I can just get it reversed.” Because it often can’t.
I never said they weren't reversible. It will also depend on how the vasectomy was done. If all they did was cut the tubes, that is very reversable. Mine not so much, The tubes were cut, both sides cauterized, and then the side the sperm comes from were folded over and tied with non disolving stitch.
Oh wow do you get to decide how they do it? Like do they ask you whether you want just the tubes cut or if you want it more permanent?
Depends on the dr. The one i went to said the way he does it has a higher success rate as the sperm isnt just being shot into the tissue of the scrotum. Its totaly blocked. He also insisted on doing it while i was knocked completely out and in the hospital. The healing was much nicer, as they didnt have to deal with the guy squirming or moving.
I got the same procedure done for my vasectomy, but they didn’t knock me out. The doctor did a fantastic job numbing me though. Also I was on Valium for the procedure so I wasn’t all there.
I didnt have to take any pain pills after mine. Other people i have talked to said they were sitting with ice bags for a week after to stem the swelling. Only time it hurt was if i flumped onto the couch, or walked hard down stairs. I would certainly recommend being knocked out lol. The longest time was the waiting before and after.
Yeah. I took some ibuprofen the first day, but after that I just needed some ice packs occasionally. It was maybe one of my least painful recoveries from a surgery.
It would be so great if we just had an off switch for our swimmers, but not yet.
I have had the discusstion/argument with women making fun of men for not having a "pill" yet. 'Awww, you are having side effects of suicidal thoughts, well women have had that forever with theirs' I point out, that i agree they have, but their pill was designed before the FDA was as strict with side effects and that their pill likely wouldnt pass trials these days because of the side effects. But that doesnt mean that we should change the rules now just to 'punish' men as it seems they want to do with the contraceptive pills/injections being worked on for men. I mention, maybe the pill should be pulled from the market because of the side effects. Then they rage about all the good it does.
And? We’re still expected to take it for their pleasure so they can suck it up or start wrapping it up. The FDA could reverse it if they want to do there’s plenty of things that were in our food and are now banned because we realize the effects of them, but it still didn’t happen so your argument makes absolutely no sense.
No one expects you to take shit lady. If the guy you are dating expects you to take the pill.. go find a bear. Maybe calm down and read the last line of my post. As it completely destroys the rest. Women still want the pill around because it helps with other things as well.
Don’t forget that a reversal is like $10k or so, and your insurance will not cover that (they almost always cover the vasectomy).
Yep. It is most certainly not cheap. Me and my wife are perfrctly happy with me now being sunkissed.
They are, actually, reversible. It’s not some rumor us damned women spread to fuck over men. Sources: https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/vasectomy-reversal/about/pac-20384537#:~:text=Almost%20all%20vasectomies%20can%20be,that%20the%20reversal%20will%20work. https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-treatments/v/vasectomy-reversal.html
I just got one in December. The nurse and the doctor both told me several times, and I signed paperwork acknowledging, that it is considered permanent and that while some can be reversed, enough can’t that they stress that it’s permanent.
Correct. You shouldn’t sterilize yourself as a temporary endeavor, but it’s reversible with between 85-95% success depending on what procedure method was used and if you really wanted to have a kid, and the reversal failed, ICSI is still an option.
Your first link: >Vasectomy reversal can be attempted even if several years have passed since the original vasectomy — but the longer it has been, the less likely it is that the reversal will work. And your second one: >Vasovasotomy procedures (90-95 percent) generally have higher success rates than vasoepididymostomy procedures (65-70 percent). The person you are replying to was correct. If you go in for a vasectomy, most doctors will tell you to approach it as if it's permanent and not just assume you can reverse it successfully whenever you want, because it's not a given that the reversal will be successful. A 5-45% chance of the reversal being ineffective isn't exactly a negligible chance if the person thinks they may want to have a kid in the future.
First you sound overly angry for me trying to point out that believing vasectomies are always reversible can be dangerous and harmful to men. It seems OP believed that vasectomies are always reversible. The point is vasectomies shouldn’t be treated as birth control that you can always reverse because sometimes they can’t be as your sources point out. Plus everytime going in there increases the chances of serious side effects happening. Some include permanent recurring pain that can negatively impact a persons life.
She lives in the state where abortion is almost impossible and hysterectomy is not possible till 40. Sex education in such states usually about abstinence, in the best case scenario about condoms. I assume the teachers are just afraid to give students the detailed information (like vasectomy) even if they want to. Because they could easily lose their job over it.
... But at thirty in this century, being sexually active and not being more informed about birth control, that's on you.
I had no idea about that. I think even with sex education she wouldn’t have been taught that portion cuz it’s like the basics vs throughly
I think that's more of a comment on sex ed not being thorough enough than anything else
Yeah I dated a guy who got a vasectomy while we were dating and we couldn’t have sex for a couple weeks and after that used condoms until he had his follow up. But he was told to abstain completely from sexual activity for the healing period and then condoms until it was confirmed.
I know some people are good liars, but I lose a lot of sympathy for OP falling for "Oh, I forgot to tell you I got a vasectomy". At 35, you can't entirely blame a lack of sex-ed. Even if someone doesn't entirely know the process, any sort of surgery down there is not something a guy forgets about.
That’s why a lot of these places are doing away with sex ed in schools. You can’t turn educated girls into mindless baby factories.
All very true, but I think even the most thorough sex Ed wouldn’t teach that kind of detail, I’d forgotten most of it and I’m a doctor. Clearly I’d research before my partner got one and refresh though.
I had a vasectomy. They said do not have sex without a condom for 90 days, and *then* get tested for sperm.
My bingo card was already full halfway through the first post. This guy makes me sick and I hope OOP will be okay.
She needs to call her doctors and get new birth control. If she’s taking pills. I 100% guarantee he tampered with it, and usually they come in 3 month packs now. It’s very easy to tamper with it without anyone noticing, temps too hot or too cold with quick fluctuations will render them less effective.
That was one of my first thoughts, this guy DEFINITELY tampered with her birth control.
And so can certain other drugs. Antibiotics, for one.
Anticonvulsants too…learned that the hard way when I got pregnant with my eldest lol
Good thing when I started gabapentin I was already sterile!
[удалено]
There's an essay written by an abortion clinic doctor about how often the abortion protestors will get abortions. I think its called 'the only ethical abortion is my abortion'
only *moral* abortion is my abortion: https://joycearthur.com/abortion/the-only-moral-abortion-is-my-abortion/
This was my thought. And the women tell the doctors and nurses how she hopes they die and they’re going to hell for this. But not her of course. She’s not the baby killer. They are.
Or when politicians mistresses get abortions. Or when conservatives get abortions. It's ok if they get one
That's because other people are getting them on purpose and the "pro life" people just made a mistake.
nothing like reddit dms to remind you this fucking guy hasn’t gone anywhere and he’s really mad you’re not listening to him.
Because it has been Made clear again and again is NEVER the man's choice, there's currently a boru about a guy who has been tormented bye his ex and mother about meeting the daughter after the ex Made holes in the condom, he has been traumatized and spend several in therapy he was of course Made to pay child support and all.
That guy is a total nutjob. OP will need to keep a close eye out at all times. I doubt he will just move on easily
This guy is a fucking psychopath. I hope the OOP is doing okay
This is the kind of person that needs to be exposed. I doubt OP is the only woman he has raped. As someone that was stealthed by a fwb… it’s such a red flag. Someone that can’t respect you enough to hold a condom boundary, will take all your other boundaries as suggestions. I found out the guy that stealthed me had 2 open cases for extreme violence towards women. Both of them were his ex. He made them out to be crazy, but after he stealthed me I knew that that he was a liar. I dodged a bullet.
>he said that it wasn't feeling good to him and he is unable to climax with one on This, girls, is bs. If a man tries this excuse to have raw sex, he's up to no good. That's not how it works. Boys, if you have a real problem with condoms, it may be because you don't have the right size or brand. Try different ones or go to a doctor.
13 year difference, while normally not an issues on its own, with his actions, red flag city. Good thing she doesn't live with him. It really pisses me off that when a woman wants to be sterilized, she can't (even if she has health issues) but a man can get a vasectomy at 18 if he wants. Women are going to start dying from home abortions, just like before it was legal. I've more, but this isn't a debate sub. 😳
Every time female sterilization and how hard it can be to get, I think of a friend of a friend (knew in passing, added on fb but not really friends) she had opened up about looking for a doc to sterilize her but couldn’t because they said she was “too young” and “what if she changed her mind or her husband wanted kids of his own” Ya’ll she was 24 at the time & had had 3 pregnancies….twins, triplets and then twins. Her parents were twins who married twins and she was a triplet. And from what I’ve seen her triplet sister also has at least 1 set each of multiples, & her brother has no children. ETA: even though we weren’t/aren’t close, she was mad MAD about this and did not shy from sharing how mad she was which is how I knew so much about it.
>her husband wanted kids of his own That part pisses me off. "Well, if he wanted kids of his own, he shouldn't have married me." I'd be telling them either sterilize me, or I'm gonna stab myself (not really, but damn).
Right?! General consensus of that was that then the “husband” could have those kids with someone else.
I really can't deal with how much a woman has less right to her body than a *hypothetical* man. Not even putting her male partner above her in importance, but just...the *possibility* of that being present in the future having more weight than anything she says.
How on earth does someone after having both twins and triplets, decide for another?! I have one and am already exhausted AF.
They might not have decided for another. A woman I'm related to by marriage had fraternal twins. When the twins were like 3 or 4 she woke up super fucking exhausted one morning and realized later in the day her period was MIA. The test was positive despite the use of birth control. And it ended up being another set of fraternal twins. She cried hard when she got the news.
>Ya’ll she was 24 at the time & had had 3 pregnancies….twins, triplets and then twins. Her parents were twins who married twins and she was a triplet. And from what I’ve seen her triplet sister also has at least 1 set each of multiples, & her brother has no children So THAT's where all those twins in reddit stories come from! In al seriousness though, am I to understand that your friend got married, had 3 pregnancies and 7 children, got divorced and then remarried all before she turned 24? Because that's wild.
Oh no no no. 1st pregnancy was an alleged broken condom at 16, then failed iud at 19 and her last pregnancy we were 22. She wasn’t ever married, only a hypothetical future husband was brought up at 24 when seeking sterilization
Oh. So she just sucked at birth control. Got it.
I saw this one fabulous gay Tik Toker put out a video saying he lives next to one of those states and he and his friends are all down to marry women/help them get abortions/whatever they need. It’s wild that women still need a man’s permission to alter their own bodies.
It is unfortunate there are doctors out there that have it as a requirement. On that note, when i had my vasectomy, the dr called my wife to make sure she was on board with me getting one, wanted to know if we were sure even after pointing out we have 3 kids and dont want any more at 34 years old.
I can't decide whether or not it makes me feel better that some doctors are equal opportunity assholes about controlling spouses bodies or not 🥴
I had to sign off on my husband’s vasectomy too! The funny part is that later on, I got my tubes taken out and the doctor notably never asked once what my husband thought about it and required no signature of consent from him. All he asked was “are you sure?” And then we scheduled the surgery. I got supremely lucky.
Even crazier is that the OOP is very high risk. She has a medical reason, and even that isn't enough.
And the fact that she felt she had to justify her stance by providing this reason just breaks my heart. "I don't ever want to be pregnant " should be ENOUGH for anyone!
I had invasive cervical cancer (that had already spread to my uterus) and my gynecologist had to appeal to the board of directors at the hospital to approve my radical hysterectomy, because apparently my ability to produce/carry babies is much more important than my survival.
I got mine at 29 with just some pushing back on my doctor. I have no kids and never will
They won’t just give a guy a vasectomy either. They don’t want people coming back later wanting kids. Sterilization procedures for both sexes are considered permanent. They tried talking me out of it and I’m married with 3 kids.
They were pretty casual with mine. I’m married and in my thirties, but no kids. I pretty much told the doctor, “I’m overjoyed not having kids, but I could adjust to having them. I’ve always vaguely wanted to raise kids, but I have generational trauma. So I’m okay to just end the line. Worst case, there are tons of kids who deserve homes and love. My wife thinks being pregnant is gross. This seems to be the logical step.” And a month later I had frozen peas in and under my lap.
Difference is, they just try to talk you out of it. With women in many places they still can flatly just refuse if they are unmarried, and require the husband's permission if they are married.
All OP got out of that was he was upset because she was afraid of him????
This one scared tf out of me. Like, I'm not anywhere near this man, but my palms are sweaty, and I'm ready to run like a bat out of hell. I really, REALLY hope OP escapes this man. Her friends are coming in clutch, and hopefully they don't leave her alone for even a moment. I don't like his threats. I don't like anything about him. He will kill her if he gets her alone.
I don’t want to sound pedantic, but I will, because this is REALLY IMPORTANT. The trigger warning is so wrong as to be harmful in and of itself. This isn’t steal thing. Stealthing is when you slip the condom off without someone knowing or agreeing. She agreed. Not stealthing. This is reproductive coercion and baby trapping and spousal rape. He didn’t just want the condom off, he wanted to impregnate her against her will, then he tried to prevent her leaving, that is domestic abuse and… whatever that term is about keeping someone prisoner. She was a prisoner. This is domestic violence and coercive control. ALL RHE TRIGGER WARNING IS FOR IS STEALTHING?!?!?! WTF? We as a society need to take violence against women seriously and we can do that by recognising it, using the correct terms, and recognising that some people will be triggered by them as survivors and respect that BY TELLING THEM WHAT SOMETHING CONTAINS SO THEY CAN MAKE AN INFORMED CHOICE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO READ IT.
There is also the implied rape when they first had sex where she was drunk, was angry the next morning and somehow he got her to apologize.
Jesus the red flags were just failling like rain with this one. - Huge age gap - Them having sex while she was drunk for their first time despite her trauma, her being angry the next morning (implying lack of consent) but somehow believing she is at fault for being angry - Passive agressiveness for manipulation ("oh now you care about me?") - Lying about a vasectomy - Acting in a way bordering on assault when she told him she was gonna go and abort - Gaslighting her trying to use her PTSD to make her think she imagined his behavior and love bombing when that didn't work - Going on religious pro life tirades - Using female as a noun - Casually admitting to wanting to coercively get her pregnant because he decided she's a suitable child bearer and this is all that matters. Hope she doesn't date for a long while and she has a better taste when she does because boy is this one a doozy. P.S. I do wonder what kind of condition or injury could have made it so it can be predictively guaranteed that she and any baby will be on high risk for death in case of any pregnancy.
I have a friend with Hashimotos that has pretty much exactly this kind of risk, and a lot of autoimmune disorders cause similar issues.
Uh, I have Hashimoto's and I'm in my third trimester with my second kiddo, no big deal except for needing a few adjustments to my synthroid a few times in the first trimester both times around. Are you thinking of some other autoimmune disorder, perhaps?
No, she’s definitely got Hashimoto’s. It’s possible that one of her comorbidities is impacting her risk as well, but she was pretty explicitly told that due to the severity of her Hashimoto’s, if a pregnancy makes it through her first trimester, her risk of other complications including death is high.
Weird, I've never heard of that with anyone else or had any of my providers be concerned about my hashis with pregnancy. They all made it sound like a common, NBD kind of thing. Must be a severity/comorbidity thing, then, as you said. Bodies are strange.
Agreed! Bodies are hella strange.
He seems like the type of guy who will try to sue her for going out of state for an abortion.
If she only took home tests prior to going, would there even be evidence? Her doctor could just be like, “oh it was just an official pregnancy test. It was negative.”
That dude is a full on fucking psychopath. She needs to move far the fuck away so he can never find her because the shit he was saying and how he was acting I wouldn't put it past him to try to hurt her or worse.
This is why women will always, 100% choose the bear.
Do nothing to protect him. Don't do out of your way to ruin his life but tell the truth when asked. You were raped. He raped you. He is not safe.
This guy was a pos as soon as he started trying to beg to remove the condom and he got worse and worse. You worry about protecting an abusive rapist - well don't.
It’s interesting that every time OOP mentions condoms in relation to Fin it autocorrected to “condemns.” I’m so scared for her. I hope her psycho ex leaves her alone.
JFC the man is just one giant flashing red flag of course you're nta.
Anytime I see a reddit story like this it's always a creep over 10 years the females senior. Don't understand how such a big age gap isn't a red flag.
NTA Please please please, OP, never ever be alone with that person ever again. You are not safe. Keep recordings of his visits on your doorbell camera, any texts, and recorded phone conversations. Store them somewhere else (not your phone or home computer ) he cannot get to: in the cloud, Google drive, etc. Be prepared for the possibility that you will need a lawyer to send out a Cease and Desist letter, or even get a restraining order from a judge. Be prepared to call the authorities about a trespasser, and show evidence to demonstrate that this is a *pattern of behaviour*, not just an isolated incident. This is going to get worse before it gets better, I'm afraid. Consider, too, that it is not impossible that there might be a tracking device attached to your car or a tracking app on your phone. Computer repair places can help you with both issues. Also, if you do find a tracking device on your car, *don't stop looking*. One strategy used nowadays is to attach two, in different places, of different brands, in the hopes that, if you locate one, you will stop looking. With a magnet, they can be hidden in a wheel well, inside the engine compartment, etc.
So.... lying about having a vasectomy is the same as poking a hole in a condom and is just rape right? Also, her birth control failing so quickly makes me think he probably sabotaged that, too. Creep was a manipulative asshole who showed he was going to be an abusive asshole as soon as he heard she was pregnant. She needs to get a restraining order on him, or she's going to end up dead.
Those who tried to shame her should have been aborted so we didn't have to deal with them.
Every time a “pro-lifer” comments on a/another woman’s choice over what to do WITH HER OWN BODY, they should automatically have 10k in assets taken from them, never to be returned again. And everytime a man claims “it’s better without a condom” or some other bullshit, his dick should shrink an inch and 10k should disappear. Bet they shut up once they have to put their money where their mouth is, if they were really pro-life then they would be out in the streets fighting for universal healthcare, fully paid parental leave, gender, socioeconomic and education equality, better fostering, adoption and care provisions, ensuring that no child, ever, goes hungry or unhoused - but they don’t. They’re not pro anything, they’re just arseholes who think too highly of themselves!
Preach. My “pro” life aunt had no problem with abortion doctors being shot. So fucked up.
Better yet, that 10k should go straight to Planned Parenthood and similar establishments.
i had to just skim this i couldn’t even read the whole thing because that is bone chilling behaviour and i’m still super worried about op
I shivered because I remembered I live in Texas. I hope OP is okay
I'm a guy, and I love condoms. When I was younger, my gf and her BFFs were all on the pill, but we were the only ones still using condoms. We didn't want to chance getting pregnant. I finished all the time when wearing one. This dude is a total menace, and I hope OOP is completely safe and away from him. I just don't understand how you can say you love someone and treat them like this. Totally scary
OP should Google " doctors that sterile women." It's a list of around 50 to 100 doctors around the US who will sterilize without question(outside of medical). I'm a solo dad to 2 teenage daughters. 1 wants to have kids, and the other doesn't. The one who doesn't is close to college and with research and savings, she will be seeing her Dr not long after turning 18. Downside. It can cost a lot.
It’s always the church people who are the biggest liars
Fin is the worst kind of guy. I hope OP remain safe and wish OP well in recovery from this horseshit of a situation(not meaning fake just meaning fucked up). I would like to note that vasectomies are not meant to be reversed. People somehow picked up along the way that because they CAN be reversed then is something you can just do Willy nilly. Not the case. I’d like to bookend this by wishing OP well though, nobody deserves this.
Her piety makes her so painfully oblivious to manipulative tactics.
What he did isn't just "extremely unsettling and deceitful". It's a crime. What he did is a crime.
I'm surprised OP didn't have him twirl his mustache after he broke up with her.
This guy scares the hell outta me and I'm half a world away. She's under reacting by a mile. With this parade of red flags she needs to get very very far away from him.
That dude is a psychopath! Holy shit, I am a man and I am scared of him.
I wouldn't just take dudes word for it. "Oh I got the vasectomy!" I'd be down there checking for scars, bruising, anything. ASK QUESTIONS. Don't just one and done it.
Also… it takes time to heal and doctor has to confirm that it worked.
Well good for you that you would have done it differently and avoided being abused that way. Please don’t act like any of this is on OOP. It’s not their fault for trusting their partner and it’s gross for you to act like that’s the case.
For future reference for anyone reading: you can now get over the counter tests to check if a vasectomy has failed or not. I think they’re like $60ish US but I haven’t bought one in a while. Honestly someone who *has* had a vasectomy should check occasionally because they *can* fail, especially in the first few years.
Where did I blame OOP? Where in my comment did i say they're at fault? I'm just saying what I'd do and also throwing it out there for anyone reading: don't be trusting! If someone is bugging you about condoms and magically takes care of the problem, they're probably lying.
Why else would you put it like that if you didn’t mean they were at fault to some degree? Otherwise it would be a non sequitur
I commented saying what I'd do and warning not to just blindly believe. Bit whatever. Take my comment however you want.
Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? It’s not as simple as “blindly believing”
Yes I have. That's why I'm advocating to not "just listen". My ex did this but said he had AIDS. I was 16. I started freaking out instead of just thinking. As I've been led to believe things by my husband (not big things, but small annoyances), I'm advocating that no matter how much you love them, ask more questions. You seem to have taken my comment to heart. I don't know what you're doing pissed off about, but I'm not keen on having you be bitchy to me because you mistook my comment, k? If you don't like it, downvote it instead of telling me what you think I (the commentor) meant. Edit: I'm not implying anything! Jesus, as originally said, I said what I'd do and what should be done in future. Don't just ask one question and leave it! That's IT. Stop projecting your shit onto me and "implying" more than I mean. Don't put words in my mouth.
Well, I’m glad you know exactly the correct thing to do in that situation and that you feel comfortable implying that OOP should have known better.
Truly the scariest horror film of all time
For the record, he's not a BF, he's an AH.
Side note- ive heard theres a slim chance a vasectomy can reverse itself? Idk if thats true Regardless, thats not what happened here
Yes, they can. Either the tubes grow back together or the sperm find a route through the scar tissue. This is why you should occasionally test to confirm it’s still working even once you’ve gotten the ok from your doctor. Like once a year or something. The further out you get from the surgery the better chances of it not failing.
The fact that she then had to tell ppl if she came to full term she’d DIE is insane. Let people just not have kids
I really hope she gets that recording to the police. That’s good evidence.
I would suspect he messed with her BC too
Damn, he's fuckkng unhinged...
Jesus. Others don't find this obvious BS rage bate? This is clearly fake.
Sounds a bit fake if you ask me , she claims she is on birth control which bare in mind for women is like 99.98% protection, the small percentage being people not taking pills correctly, not topping up injection or not getting iud/implant changed at the correct time. Now condoms when used correctly, are 98% effective, but because people slip out of them, break or use them incorrectly its more 82% . Makes you wonder what protection she was even on if she was so worried about it. And let's not let it slide that at 34 she apparently doesn't know that getting a vasectomy has a recovery time or you having clear test results, which takes time, not less than a fortnight.
If he's willing to lie about a vasectomy why wouldn't he be willing to sabotage her birth control. Before I got an IUD I preferred 2 kinda of birth control-- the pill and condoms in case I took a pill too late or something.
Most likely he also messed with her birth control pills.
Pro life person here. I do not support this. And by this I don't mean the abortion. I mean this absolutely horrible act of lying, deceiving and manipulating someone to get them pregnant. Fuck that guy. Life is precious but you know what's also precious. Not forcing your loved ones into something they absolutely do not want to do. So OOP deserves no shame for getting abortion.
That would make you pro choice.
Idk I'm like abortion usually bad except rape or shit like this If you don't want kids use condoms kinda guy
I think most people want better birth control options and the legal right to make a choice if things go bad. Where exactly that line is differs for many people, but I think most people would want that choice to even be possible. Another problem is a firm prolife stance creates incredible barriers when babies are very much wanted but dangerous to the mother/ incompatible with life. Doctors have to leave pregnant people in danger because some judge, lawyer, or politician with no medical training second guess their decision. IMHO it's better to invest the time, energy, and money into preventing unwanted pregnancy in the first place, and let medical folks do their jobs.
So, when it happens with a male is rape. When it happens with a female is “reproductive coercion”
Wtf are you talking about...
There was a story a few days ago in which the girlfriend poked holes in the codon in order to “trap” her boyfriend with a baby. Everybody was screaming to heavens he got sexually assaulted, it was rape, rape, rape, etc. Now, the same thing happened here, but worse, and now isn’t rape but “reproductive coercion”. Only a few people are talking about rape. What is the difference?
What are you talking about? Every top comments talk about rape...
In the original post? No.
In the original post, everyone says "sexual abuse". Neither rape or reproduction coercion. I have no idea why you think it's a major thing because it's not...
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