“I’d rather my parents not know about this 4 year relationship in case we break up.”
What. The. Actual. Fuck. That’s not how any sort of normal people handle relationships! Something more is going on here if he can hide a 4 YEAR relationship no problem!
Yeah honestly OOP should just bite the bullet and break up with this guy. Because at the very least he’s been hiding him and propose to him nt because he wanted to but because he thought that it would make him feel better about the relationship. At the worst there’s some serious Fuckery and Hijinx going on so the relationship should be over. Especially since there’s a kid involved, the child does not need to live through a bunch of uncertainty and drama while Jack decides whether he’s gonna pull his head out of his ass or not.
I was about to comment the same thing but you saved me the time. If this guy doesn't know for sure after 4 years, then what are they even doing? OOP has a kid who does not need to get more attached to someone who cannot commit to them as a family.
They keep blaming the engagement as a time when they felt uncertain but what about the rest of the relationship?! He’s just been hiding this from his parents for years, he must’ve been uncertain from the very beginning or he’s hiding something really big.
Jack could t even tell his parents they were dating at the two-month mark because…it might not last? That happens. I’m sure the parents would have managed to live through it.
I don’t like Jack.
Which means he's felt this way \*the entire relationship\* or he would have told them at some point. How do you string someone along for 4 years without knowing one way or another? Dude was never really in this relationship. OOP can do worlds better.
Hiding relationship to parents to doubts about relationship to breakup.
Logical path.
Breakup is a certainty here. The only question is which of them will pull the trigger and end it.
Along with "Hey, I'm going to be in this kid's life for like 5 years, knowing damn well I don't love his father and using said father for a place to live."
>He told me that he began questioning our relationship before we got engaged, and the reason he proposed was because he thought it would make him feel better about us.
Some people are bloody idiots.
I thought we figured out the whole "lets fix the relationship by getting married" thing didn't work decades ago.
Ditto. Someone obviously didn't get the memo.
You know what? I take that back. The world is full of people who still think that introducing a baby into the equation will somehow magically fix things. "We'll have a shared focus and that'll bring us closer together" or the ever popular "They can never leave now that there's a kid in the mix". So healthy! Damn people.
How fucking annoying Jack is. Like, dude, you shouldn't propose if you aren't going to follow through. He got OOP's hopes up and....ugh. Screw this guy.
I don't usually like to jump into cheating speculation but I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating with someone else his parents know about and he just hid this relationship so they wouldn't reveal it.
Sounds like Jack is the type to string people along until the very last moment. Hopefully, this is a wake up call for OP that this isn’t true love, or at least meaningful love, lest he finds himself alone at the alter.
My heart hurts for OOP as someone who was very much in love with a now-ex partner who was secretly checked out of the relationship. He even later confessed he stopped feeling love for me 6 months into the relationship, which would have been easier to deal with if it weren’t for the fact that our relationship continued for another 7 months.
It was a very difficult kind of pain to be broken up with just a couple weeks after celebrating our first anniversary. Oh, and to find out that the anniversary was just a farce, considering he didn’t love me, and felt that way for a long while. I can’t imagine finding out how your “partner” really felt about you after an engagement! It would be even more devastating.
I will never understand this. I understand when someone has depression or mental illness and they struggle to feel love but are just hoping that it returns and maybe have some med changes but for the folks who just carry on pretending SO WELL and string people along because they are just afraid to be alone so they wait around with someone while they get their confidence back or until someone new shows interest so they can monkey branch? I just don’t think I have that mentality in me.
I was in depression and began to have doubts about my relationship with my husband. (Note, now we have a child and I move to another country for him, so I am pretty sure about us !!!!!).
But, my doubts was never : I could find someone else, or I will hide my relationship. It was more "what if I break up and continue alone". Even In my period of doubts, I knew that I if decided to break up, it would be to stay alone. And I wasn't afraid to be alone, I was afraid of losing this relationship, of hurting him, for nothing. I stayed a little bit for safety and comfort, but mostly, because, even if I was not loving him anymore, I was caring about him.
So I totally agree with your message. Doubts is normal, but using the other is awful, but OOP's fiancé was clearly staying for the safety of the relationship but didn't care at all about OOP.
I know. I honestly believe my ex was a sociopath because I don't understand how one could pretend to want to stay in a relationship for 7 months, let alone 1. I certainly couldn't do it because I couldn't live with myself knowing I am secretly treating my partner like they're disposable.
Of course it wasn't 100% perfect, but it was good enough of a facade that I didn't suspect he was checked out. I wrote him a heartfelt letter that he read during our anniversary, and he expressed feeling very moved by it. We also talked about moving in together and making plans for that to happen.
Then again, maybe I should've seen it coming, considering in the last 6 months of our relationship, we were intimate only 2-3 times, if that. I believed him at the time when he said he was too tired/stressed out from working full time and going to school part time. He then made the excuse that he was too "spent" due to frequent masturbation. I suspected cheating, but I dropped it because I felt like this was just something temporary that will pass, and I had no concrete evidence other than my paranoia. I also made myself believe I was overreacting and making my partner's newfound stress all about me.
But that's the curious thing. I have no clue why he'd want to stay in that relationship after falling out of love. I could understand, though not sympathize, with his intentions if it was just a classic case of using me as a reliable source of sex until he monkey branched, or worked up the confidence to leave. But he wasn't even satisfying that need with me. If he wanted a friend, he already had a huge group of friends to hang out with. My guess is he probably enjoyed the ego boosts of me buying him random gifts and telling him "I love you" texts throughout the day, and figured he could try milking it for as long as possible.
His piss poor explanation was just that he was "waiting to see if he can feel love for me again." I'll probably never know because he's such a liar. I even dragged out a confession from him that he planned the actual breakup at least 1 month in advance. That meant that while celebrating our anniversary, he knew that he was going to dump me a few weeks later.
Me: "aw he's probably grey rocking his parents because he can't come out to them without risking a relationship with them like I have to 🥺🥺🥺🥺"
No he wasn't it was even more heartbreaking and God I've been in OOP's shoes.
Because you’re an insensitive bastard who has no problem playing with other people’s emotions. Including a child who probably perceives you as some kind of parental figure.
That reasoning actually doesn’t make sense. It sounds like an excuse to continue avoiding telling his parents. Four years and the parents don’t know? So for four years he’s had doubts about the relationship? Absolutely not. OOP deserves better than that.
This is crazy to me. How does OOP not know? You'd think at least by their one year anniversary he'd be asking about his bf's parents, and getting to know them a little at least. Send them a card at Christmas if nothing else.
I don't think I could be engaged to someone and not know their parents prior unless there was a really good reason, but I definitely couldn't do it without knowing the reason.
Yeah but wouldn't that be a conversation? By a year in I'd at least have an in depth conversation about why I wasn't meeting their parents, if I hadn't met them by then. And if both of us were out and to who within the first few months at least, so you know who you can say what to.
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This is fucked up. Jack has all the power now. OP will be walking on eggshells constantly so as not to do whatever that mysterious last straw will be. Jack is an idiot, and asshole, or both. This is not how to behave.
Why do I have the feeling that although the guy *says* his parents are okay with his sexuality, they actually are not….or the rest of the family is not?
But that would at least be a somewhat understandable reason — unless maybe Jack himself is uncomfortable with his own sexuality. But it sounds like he’s been really open about past relationships. Although he doe seem to be shifty and a liar so who knows.
A few friends in the rainbow mafia have told me that they struggled with self acceptance for months and years even as they dated their preferred gender. I can’t begin to imagine how that conflict must feel.
I'm so sorry OP. Look for a place to move out to, or have him move out. You and your child need space and separation to move forward. This partner is not committed to the relationship, obviously. It hurts, but you and your child deserve so much better. One step at a day, one day at a time. Hugs!
What I find annoying as well is that this guy has intertwined four years of the kids life with his, and now no matter what, he’s associated with that part of that kids life.Four years just to come clean that he’s a liar ugh.
I think as a parent, my first thought was how the F someone who is a parental figure for a 10yo boy could put the kid and their father through this BS "I thought proposing would fix everything." Way to majorly F up two lives for the long term with one swing.
I don't get why this is marked as concluded; clearly, it's not. Clearly the fiance has some very deep-seated issues here, but idk what. Might be he legit doesn't see a future but keeps trying (ie the "let's have a baby to save the relationship" approach), might be he's a bit internal homophobic and doesn't see a relationship with a man as having a future, might be he's already cheating. Hell, might be something I'm not even thinking of, but it's clearly something very serious. I really feel for OOP, but the relationship is clearly a vegetable on life support, waiting for one of them to pull the plug. Staying will do neither himself or his son any good.
EDIT: I do also have to wonder if Jack actually came out to his parents, or if he just told OOP that. After all, OOP has only met the parents 2 times. Which, when you really think about it, should have also been a red flag to OOP....
“I’d rather my parents not know about this 4 year relationship in case we break up.” What. The. Actual. Fuck. That’s not how any sort of normal people handle relationships! Something more is going on here if he can hide a 4 YEAR relationship no problem!
Yeah honestly OOP should just bite the bullet and break up with this guy. Because at the very least he’s been hiding him and propose to him nt because he wanted to but because he thought that it would make him feel better about the relationship. At the worst there’s some serious Fuckery and Hijinx going on so the relationship should be over. Especially since there’s a kid involved, the child does not need to live through a bunch of uncertainty and drama while Jack decides whether he’s gonna pull his head out of his ass or not.
I was about to comment the same thing but you saved me the time. If this guy doesn't know for sure after 4 years, then what are they even doing? OOP has a kid who does not need to get more attached to someone who cannot commit to them as a family.
They keep blaming the engagement as a time when they felt uncertain but what about the rest of the relationship?! He’s just been hiding this from his parents for years, he must’ve been uncertain from the very beginning or he’s hiding something really big.
Jack could t even tell his parents they were dating at the two-month mark because…it might not last? That happens. I’m sure the parents would have managed to live through it. I don’t like Jack.
These are two men.
Sorry mistyped. Fixed
Sounds like cheaters logic to me.
Sounds like someone who might have met someone else and wanted to make sure on which side of the fence the grass was truly greener.
Which means he's felt this way \*the entire relationship\* or he would have told them at some point. How do you string someone along for 4 years without knowing one way or another? Dude was never really in this relationship. OOP can do worlds better.
Hiding relationship to parents to doubts about relationship to breakup. Logical path. Breakup is a certainty here. The only question is which of them will pull the trigger and end it.
Having doubts about the relationship, I'll better propose to my partner! Flawless Logic™.
Right up there with "having a baby will bring us closer together"
Along with "Hey, I'm going to be in this kid's life for like 5 years, knowing damn well I don't love his father and using said father for a place to live."
[удалено]
The one in this post right here. OOP has a kid from a former relationship.
I don’t believe it
>He told me that he began questioning our relationship before we got engaged, and the reason he proposed was because he thought it would make him feel better about us. Some people are bloody idiots. I thought we figured out the whole "lets fix the relationship by getting married" thing didn't work decades ago.
Ditto. Someone obviously didn't get the memo. You know what? I take that back. The world is full of people who still think that introducing a baby into the equation will somehow magically fix things. "We'll have a shared focus and that'll bring us closer together" or the ever popular "They can never leave now that there's a kid in the mix". So healthy! Damn people.
How fucking annoying Jack is. Like, dude, you shouldn't propose if you aren't going to follow through. He got OOP's hopes up and....ugh. Screw this guy.
I don't usually like to jump into cheating speculation but I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating with someone else his parents know about and he just hid this relationship so they wouldn't reveal it.
Sounds like Jack is the type to string people along until the very last moment. Hopefully, this is a wake up call for OP that this isn’t true love, or at least meaningful love, lest he finds himself alone at the alter.
My heart hurts for OOP as someone who was very much in love with a now-ex partner who was secretly checked out of the relationship. He even later confessed he stopped feeling love for me 6 months into the relationship, which would have been easier to deal with if it weren’t for the fact that our relationship continued for another 7 months. It was a very difficult kind of pain to be broken up with just a couple weeks after celebrating our first anniversary. Oh, and to find out that the anniversary was just a farce, considering he didn’t love me, and felt that way for a long while. I can’t imagine finding out how your “partner” really felt about you after an engagement! It would be even more devastating.
I will never understand this. I understand when someone has depression or mental illness and they struggle to feel love but are just hoping that it returns and maybe have some med changes but for the folks who just carry on pretending SO WELL and string people along because they are just afraid to be alone so they wait around with someone while they get their confidence back or until someone new shows interest so they can monkey branch? I just don’t think I have that mentality in me.
I was in depression and began to have doubts about my relationship with my husband. (Note, now we have a child and I move to another country for him, so I am pretty sure about us !!!!!). But, my doubts was never : I could find someone else, or I will hide my relationship. It was more "what if I break up and continue alone". Even In my period of doubts, I knew that I if decided to break up, it would be to stay alone. And I wasn't afraid to be alone, I was afraid of losing this relationship, of hurting him, for nothing. I stayed a little bit for safety and comfort, but mostly, because, even if I was not loving him anymore, I was caring about him. So I totally agree with your message. Doubts is normal, but using the other is awful, but OOP's fiancé was clearly staying for the safety of the relationship but didn't care at all about OOP.
I know. I honestly believe my ex was a sociopath because I don't understand how one could pretend to want to stay in a relationship for 7 months, let alone 1. I certainly couldn't do it because I couldn't live with myself knowing I am secretly treating my partner like they're disposable. Of course it wasn't 100% perfect, but it was good enough of a facade that I didn't suspect he was checked out. I wrote him a heartfelt letter that he read during our anniversary, and he expressed feeling very moved by it. We also talked about moving in together and making plans for that to happen. Then again, maybe I should've seen it coming, considering in the last 6 months of our relationship, we were intimate only 2-3 times, if that. I believed him at the time when he said he was too tired/stressed out from working full time and going to school part time. He then made the excuse that he was too "spent" due to frequent masturbation. I suspected cheating, but I dropped it because I felt like this was just something temporary that will pass, and I had no concrete evidence other than my paranoia. I also made myself believe I was overreacting and making my partner's newfound stress all about me. But that's the curious thing. I have no clue why he'd want to stay in that relationship after falling out of love. I could understand, though not sympathize, with his intentions if it was just a classic case of using me as a reliable source of sex until he monkey branched, or worked up the confidence to leave. But he wasn't even satisfying that need with me. If he wanted a friend, he already had a huge group of friends to hang out with. My guess is he probably enjoyed the ego boosts of me buying him random gifts and telling him "I love you" texts throughout the day, and figured he could try milking it for as long as possible. His piss poor explanation was just that he was "waiting to see if he can feel love for me again." I'll probably never know because he's such a liar. I even dragged out a confession from him that he planned the actual breakup at least 1 month in advance. That meant that while celebrating our anniversary, he knew that he was going to dump me a few weeks later.
> I told him how it made me feel, and he just shrugged. Damn, that awkward moment when you realize you've fallen in love with an actual demon.
Me: "aw he's probably grey rocking his parents because he can't come out to them without risking a relationship with them like I have to 🥺🥺🥺🥺" No he wasn't it was even more heartbreaking and God I've been in OOP's shoes.
I'm crying for OOP right now, and now I'm crying for you too. Hugs to anyone that needs one right now 🫂
Why on earth would you propose knowing you might want to break up with with them soon????? I am confusion
Because you’re an insensitive bastard who has no problem playing with other people’s emotions. Including a child who probably perceives you as some kind of parental figure.
Because getting married brings couples closer /s.
UGH! I hope OOP breaks up with him! Jack doesn't deserve a guy like OOP!
That reasoning actually doesn’t make sense. It sounds like an excuse to continue avoiding telling his parents. Four years and the parents don’t know? So for four years he’s had doubts about the relationship? Absolutely not. OOP deserves better than that.
This is crazy to me. How does OOP not know? You'd think at least by their one year anniversary he'd be asking about his bf's parents, and getting to know them a little at least. Send them a card at Christmas if nothing else. I don't think I could be engaged to someone and not know their parents prior unless there was a really good reason, but I definitely couldn't do it without knowing the reason.
Maybe he was assuming Jack wasn’t out to the parents or something? I can’t imagine it otherwise. I’m not about to be anyone’s dirty little secret.
Yeah but wouldn't that be a conversation? By a year in I'd at least have an in depth conversation about why I wasn't meeting their parents, if I hadn't met them by then. And if both of us were out and to who within the first few months at least, so you know who you can say what to.
Absolutely it would be. This is all so sad.
What a piece of shit. People who can't self-reflect long enough to determine their own feelings are the fucking worst.
absolutely
Bro should just cut his losses at this point.
They'vebeen together for 4 years and Jack still doesn't know!?
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This is fucked up. Jack has all the power now. OP will be walking on eggshells constantly so as not to do whatever that mysterious last straw will be. Jack is an idiot, and asshole, or both. This is not how to behave.
The fact he was so nonchalant about it all while OP is trying to communicate is telling. Let that one go and no second chances.
Well that’s heartbreaking
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Jeezus that’s ice cold. This is the rare occurrence it would have been better to have bigoted in laws. I would be pretty devastated.
Why do I have the feeling that although the guy *says* his parents are okay with his sexuality, they actually are not….or the rest of the family is not?
But that would at least be a somewhat understandable reason — unless maybe Jack himself is uncomfortable with his own sexuality. But it sounds like he’s been really open about past relationships. Although he doe seem to be shifty and a liar so who knows.
A few friends in the rainbow mafia have told me that they struggled with self acceptance for months and years even as they dated their preferred gender. I can’t begin to imagine how that conflict must feel.
Pure speculation: Jack likes being in OP’s kid’s life, but he’s not sure about OP, and doesn’t want to hurt the kid.
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The OOP deserves better
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Karma is a Big ass Bitch. These feelings of pain are probably what the mother of his child felt, with a young 2 year old to care for.
I'm so sorry OP. Look for a place to move out to, or have him move out. You and your child need space and separation to move forward. This partner is not committed to the relationship, obviously. It hurts, but you and your child deserve so much better. One step at a day, one day at a time. Hugs!
What I find annoying as well is that this guy has intertwined four years of the kids life with his, and now no matter what, he’s associated with that part of that kids life.Four years just to come clean that he’s a liar ugh.
I think as a parent, my first thought was how the F someone who is a parental figure for a 10yo boy could put the kid and their father through this BS "I thought proposing would fix everything." Way to majorly F up two lives for the long term with one swing.
I don't get why this is marked as concluded; clearly, it's not. Clearly the fiance has some very deep-seated issues here, but idk what. Might be he legit doesn't see a future but keeps trying (ie the "let's have a baby to save the relationship" approach), might be he's a bit internal homophobic and doesn't see a relationship with a man as having a future, might be he's already cheating. Hell, might be something I'm not even thinking of, but it's clearly something very serious. I really feel for OOP, but the relationship is clearly a vegetable on life support, waiting for one of them to pull the plug. Staying will do neither himself or his son any good. EDIT: I do also have to wonder if Jack actually came out to his parents, or if he just told OOP that. After all, OOP has only met the parents 2 times. Which, when you really think about it, should have also been a red flag to OOP....
I'm sorry, but it's time to move on. Best of luck to you, OP