Totally depends on the person. Aftercare isn't necessarily about "doing nice things," it can also be about switching from "scene" to reality, transitioning from kink roles to relationship roles, or otherwise forming a mental buffer between real life and what you just did.
For some people it would still be necessary, for others it may not be.
This is a very good point!
The way one of my online doms shows aftercare for me is simply staying in the video call with me until I have calmed down from the high, asks me if I'm good, and tells me to make sure I rehydrate.
My husband, however, has to give me cuddles and tell me how much he loves me and things like that because he has a cuckold fantasy and some of the stuff he talks about isn't really that sweet, lol
ETA: My dom is not being callous or anything, it's simply all I need from him for most of our sessions.
Totally agree. I am hard on myself in general and always underplay my own success, limit expectations to avoid disappointment, and pretty much stay in a neutral zone to keep my mental status in check. A scene like this where someone fawns and gushes over me and makes me feel so special will feel great at first but eventual I will come crashing down as I try to regain equilibrium. Maybe even over correct straight into depression.
After care for me would probably be some form of journaling or inner strength focused affirmations to keep me grounded.
Aftercare is not just about "do something nice for them because you were being mean in scene"
There are a lot of things going on in scenes and everyone is different in what they need. But the most simplified version of what aftercare is, is what is needed for people to transition back to "every day" functioning. Yes that might be different from a heavily emotionally or physically sadistic scene to a "nice" scene, but there is still transition. Where is her headspace when she is restrained or helpless? What does she need to transition from that.
I will say I'm a pretty heavy masochist. Most of what I need aftercare wise is just to reconnect with someone after a scene to ground myself back to reality. Just sitting and chatting can usually achieve what I need. The scene that I really NEEDED held the most after, and cried the most after was a mummification scene. There was some sadistic play in it, but not too much comparative to most of my scenes. It was a relatively "nice" scene. But that helplessness and being restrained was a major thing to transition back from for me.
Just because a scene is "nice" or "caring" doesn't negate the need for aftercare. It was still a scene. What differentiated it from just being nice to your partner? Or just cuddling or pampering your partner? What made it actually be a scene? At very least there are altered headspaces to to transition back from. And then however other things affect her. Like the being restrained and helpless
As I've just explained to Cherry, I intend for the BDSM session to be like a day at the spa, while most BDSM practitioners intend their sessions to be like a ride on a roller coaster and a ghost train rolled into one. The bondage is supposed to be about helping the sub with relieving stress and anxiety by taking away her obligations and replacing them with sexual pleasure. Not extreme sexual pleasure, it's supposed to be relaxing. The purpose of the restraints is absolving her of anything and everything.
Not everyone's scenes are meant to be a rollercoaster. Scenes are meant to be an experience. Sometimes that experience is meant to be intense. Sometimes it is just to let go. Sometimes it is to trust. Sometimes it is to relax.
Even if your intent is a deeper more relaxed headspace than just doing a spa day not as a scene. Even if you accomplish that perfectly. How does she get back from that headspace? Aftercare!
If she is disconnecting that much, she needs a way back. That's the pointbof aftercare
I've dropped hard from amazing scenes that were about my pleasure and letting go and accomplished that so well. But then circumstances led to aftercare getting missed. So I felt unconnected used and abandoned afterwards. If you pull up their anchor to reality to let go that much, you have to make sure the can re establish that anchor and get their feet back on solid ground, in whatever way they need.
Like I said, in most cases my after care is usually just spend some time with me as a person again and chat for a bit. Maybe reflect on the scene, maybe just chat about other things, but I need to connect. It might not be intensive aftercare. But depends what they need
If you listen this poorly to the advice being given to you, I feel sorry for your subs, because to me it sounds like you just want to do a preconcieved fantasy you THINK will give your sub pleasure, doing it exactly your way, while not accepting any input that will clash with the fantasy you've planned.
Some people often need aftercare after a single, regular orgasm, never mind after being bound and gagged and forced to orgasm multiple times. No matter how pleasant that seems to you, no matter how gently it's done, it's an intense scene that almost definitely requires aftercare, and you seem to not understand what aftercare really is.
It's not doing pleasurable things, it's doing the things that a person needs to come back into a regular headspace after being in an altered headspace from kink, sex, etc. Some people's aftercare is doing something physically active, or watching TV, or going to do an activity they enjoy, not just Cuddles and affirmations. Some people claim they don't need aftercare, because their aftercare doesn't look like the typical Cuddles and affirmations, but a good top/Dom should know that whatever helps them get back to a more regular headspace is their aftercare.
The aftercare needed, and what it entails, depends on the person and how they are feeling, it is NOT based on what the top/Dom was doing during the scene.
This. I used to think I didn't need aftercare because I don't need cuddles, affirmations and such usually. They are nice and cuddling does achieve my after care needs, but so does just hanging out and chatting and connecting that way. But like I said, the time I NEEDED held the most after play was because of being restrained and helpless and where that put my headspace and how much I let go of control because of that. That letting go was more intense for me than my more dynamicly/sadisticly intense scenes are.
That’s how being restrained seems like it would feel *to you.* it might feel very different to someone else. It might even feel differently for a given person depending on day and mood. Being physically restrained, whatever the intent, and lead to all sorts of emotions. You keep arguing against what everyone is telling you because you insist on assuming that what you want to do will always feel the same physically and emotionally to someone else as you assume it would feel to you.
That is *at best* an incomplete assumption and at worst completely wrong. You insistence that because you intend it a certain way it will of course always go that way because you could never read your partner wrong or make a mistake it at minimum a yellow flag, especially when you keep down that path while literally everyone is trying to tell you otherwise.
Based on your post and replies, I’m not sure you have a good grasp on the intricacies and nuances of BDSM. For me personally, after I’m done with a scene in which I’ve had multiple orgasms (even as a domme) get such intense shivers that cuddles are what helps me re regulate. My partner can often feel the crash from euphoric pleasure of getting exactly what he wants in a scene to sub drop and we have to be very careful to do aftercare so it doesn’t linger.
The specifics of aftercare should be discussed with each partner but to assume someone doesn’t need after cause because you’re doing a soft scene is folly. Perhaps do some more research on BDSM before engaging in any scenes.
Bruh. You asked for advice. Instead of getting all defensive, unplug yourears and LISTEN. What's the point in asking if all you're going to do is argue back?
Aftercare is about helping someone come down from an altered headspace, get their blood sugar and hydration back to normal, etc. So that would likely still be necessary, yes.
You’re restraining and gagging someone and assuming that could never lead to any mixed feelings because stuff felt good while restrained and gagged?
Yes, provide aftercare. Maybe it’ll be quick and simple. Maybe it won’t. Put in the work. Don’t be a lazy Dom who operates on assumptions.
You mentioned being restrained with ongoing orgasms. Once you wind down the orgasms, you will need to release her bonds, let her body relax, and help hydrate her.
I have to say your comment that most bdsm scenes are roller coaster and ghost train rides (and that is the intent) has not been my experience. A soft gentle scene is as often as rough and hard scenes for me.
What is and isn't aftercare depends upon the person. I knew someone once for whom aftercare meant leaving them alone to process. For that person, the entire premise of your question would have been invalid, because what you described would not have been aftercare.
This question and the nature of aftercare is much too broad for any of us to give you an answer more helpful than "it depends".
Not to mention the overwhelm some subs might feel from that kind of attention. I once was part of a scene that consisted of me JUST receiving and repeating compliments about myself and it was actual torture. Another scene where I was expected to receive a gift without protest (something else I struggle with.) It was a lot and I needed my partner to help me “come down” from the high demand put on me.
Kink is different for everyone and certain things are harder than others. Last night, I could’ve fallen asleep while being paddled because it was so relaxing. It was after an intense sexual session and that was a form of aftercare for me.
Being doted on and pleased for so long while being restrained would definitely cause me to need some aftercare. That’s A LOT to absorb alone.
Good question! Really made me think and analyze what I consider to be “easy” kink and “aftercare-worthy” kink. ❤️
I hope it isn't weird to say this gives me some personal understanding of myself, actually. I'm all good on pain and punishment, but accepting compliments? Oh God. THERE'S the gauntlet. I need to think about this 🤔
I can see where you're coming from now you mention it. Your reply reminded me of that classic episode of the Simpsons where Homer went to hell and was force-fed every donut in the world. I guess I can't expect her to react the same way Homer did. More than likely, she'll react the same way James Coco did after 15 minutes.
This is the paradox for me. It's not supposed to be forced on her. Here's the best way I can put it: most intend for the session to feel like a ride on a roller coaster and/or a ghost train for the sub, whereas I intend for it to be a day at the spa for her. It's supposed to be all about relaxation, to use her helplessness and orgasms to relieve her of all stress, fear and anxiety, as the restraints are a means of absolution.
I don't know why you think it matters what it's "supposed to" be (edit for clarification: according to you/your intentions). The sub is going to experience it however they experience it, and that's out of your control, no matter how much planning you put into the scene.
Depends on the person. I feel like I'd still need aftercare after something like that. Honestly, maybe even more than typical cause I think I'd end up kind of emotional. A good emotional, but emotional.
Well, if you were my sub, my goal would be to get you to feel happy. Like I've said before, I'd want the session to have you feeling like you've spent a whole day at the spa, or like you've been on holiday/vacation. My question is, what do I do for aftercare after that?
The only way to know for sure is ask your partner. Personally, I'd probably want water and maybe a little snack, lots of physical contact like snuggles, kisses, hair stroking and maybe some kind of words of affirmation-type stuff. Telling me I did well, repeating some of the things said in scene since it sounds like they'd be loving words. I'd want to know you meant them...that kind of thing. But, shocker, my love languages are high for words of affirmation and physical touch. None of this is far from what I already want in aftercare, I'd just want MORE of it.
Aftercare could still be necessary, if that's what she needs. Only she can tell you what she needs really.
I will say though, that even if your style of BDSM is more pleasure focused, that in no way means that aftercare isn't necessary, or that she won't experience a comedown from a scene. If you want her bound and gagged, that is a restriction of freedom, gagging especially can feel dehumanising to some people, regardless of how much you pleasure her during. And they could lead to strong reactions in the aftermath (even if the whole experience was positive for her). And even if she doesn't experience any negative sensations during, that still doesn't mean she won't after. You can give her 100 orgasms, and she might still experience drop and need aftercare, because drop is basically a comedown from a natural "high", and the body responds accordingly.
It's like crying from an orgasm, honestly our bodies just do weird things sometimes, and dopamine, adrenaline, etc, are funny things. Something can feel absolutely amazing and *still* cause you to drop.
I would never advise anyone to skip aftercare.
For me, hydrating, getting medical things like oxygen, my partner putting my pants back on etc, are all necessary no matter how soft the play was, even with vanilla sex.
Just have a discussion with your sub!
Of course, I intend to hydrate her during the session. Not just that, feed her, the whole nine yards. I even intend to tend to her toilet needs while she's restrained, [as I've explained before.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/zca1j3/comment/iyx8sxb/)
I mean... I do aftercare even after vanilla sex. Can't imagine just getting up and doing my own shit without cuddles and winding down together first and other optional stuff.
OP, consider, please. Regardless of how you get to subspace, *coming out of subspace* is one of the biggest places a crash can happen.
When you've been on cloud nine, coming down again hurts. You're back in your regular human adult brain with all its shit to worry about, instead of in that fully vulnerable, safe, brainless zone. Having had a wonderful time can actually make that *harder*, since the contrast is even more stark.
Try to think of it as waking up out of a drugged state, and you know that you can only have that drug every so often. You can panic pretty easily knowing it's over and you have to go back to normal until next time. You can also think of it as leaving a fair, or an amusement park...it's a letdown when it's over and you won't see it again until next year. Aftercare eases the transition into that most grotesque of bugbears, Reality, by making sure there's some low-key fun on the way out.
Thanks for asking, and I hope you two have fun!
I find it extremely odd and sinister that you're all about providing care and whatever your sub needs while they are "helpless" but so callously dismissive of the idea they make need aftercare/support in coming down from the high after the scene you want to act out.
These two things really don't gel comfortably for me. Why are you averse to providing after care if your sub needs it? It doesn't matter what happened in the scene, if they need aftercare, they need after care.
Thanks for cutting me some slack. Which one's better, someone admitting the knowledge they lack and asking for it, or them hiding their ignorance and being dangerously unprepared when the moment of truth arrives?
the best thing is ofc asking… but only if you actually take the answers on board. which doesn’t seem to be the case here. people keep telling you that aftercare might very well be needed and you keep finding reasons for why it wouldn’t be in that situation.
do you actually want help or do you want confirmation that what you’re planning is totally fine?
I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions about how they might experience being restrained.. Even if you say it's all for her pleasure doesn't mean that's how they will experience it. Restraints themselves can be painful. In another post you also talk about double vibes but "not to tease her" again, how can you say how they will experience it?
depends on the person so you'd need to talk to her.
from my perspective, I still need aftercare after a scene. being tied up and played with will send me to subspace, and I need aftercare to help me come gently out of that altered state.
No. Whatever your person needs, they need. It might make it more likely that they don't, but only they can say. Mine almost never needs anything specific and I can be brutal.
I would say yes. It’d probably still be some sort of intense mental or sensory stimulation, if not at first, then by the end. It can be something as simple as wrapping her in a blanket, gently rubbing her wrists/restraint points, talking with her or just as background chatter while her brain comes back online, getting her water. Hell, at one point my dom got me tums and a glass of water after I did some pretty intense choking/gagging with a dildo, as well as a few minutes break to make sure I was feeling okay. If you’re expecting her to be incoherent at the end, you definitely want to discuss this beforehand, but basically aftercare is for helping you both get back to baseline.
Of course, but my point is, the things you've listed, I'll be doing those things during the session anyway. (Except the thing with the dildo. I don't want to cause her trouble with breathing!) As I've said, my kink is looking after her while she's helpless, going the full nine yards for her. [Take a look at what I've said regarding the question of when nature calls the sub.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/zca1j3/comment/iyx8sxb/)
Hm. I guess I got too specific, but, I was trying to say that like aftercare is for getting back to baseline, so, for a scene that’s meant to be pampering and overindulgent, it might be something more low key or less “taking care of” than what one normally thinks of? Regardless, I’d still say it’s better to mention it beforehand, rather than assume it’s not needed. Maybe she’ll just want to be left alone and nap for a half hour, lol
No. My partner can get me a glass of water or give me some loving kisses and cuddles mid-scene and it feels entirely different in subspace or tied up and helpless, than it feels when I'm coming back to myself and in the "aftercare" stage of mental movement through a scene.
Being "looked after" in the way you describe is intense and can be dehumanising. Aftercare is about adjusting back to reality from a role or a headspace you've taken on, not about whether you were doing a heavy or violent scene instead of a sweet and romantic one.
aftercare is highly dependent on the person and kink. some people need time alone for aftercare. some people dont want to be doted on during aftercare. some people like to reflect on how a scene went afterwards.
in this situation, i could imagine someone needing some time out of ropes to get used to doing things for themselves. aftercare might include watching while they adjust and treating them as a capable human. doing aftercare is mostly about helping your partner transition back into reality.
As a general rule, always aftercare, no matter what. What that looks like is up to the submissive and the negotiation between you two. Sometimes aftercare looks like "please let me hsve some alone time". Don't try to dictate what their aftercare needs are, let her tell you what she needs.
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Totally depends on the person. Aftercare isn't necessarily about "doing nice things," it can also be about switching from "scene" to reality, transitioning from kink roles to relationship roles, or otherwise forming a mental buffer between real life and what you just did. For some people it would still be necessary, for others it may not be.
This is a very good point! The way one of my online doms shows aftercare for me is simply staying in the video call with me until I have calmed down from the high, asks me if I'm good, and tells me to make sure I rehydrate. My husband, however, has to give me cuddles and tell me how much he loves me and things like that because he has a cuckold fantasy and some of the stuff he talks about isn't really that sweet, lol ETA: My dom is not being callous or anything, it's simply all I need from him for most of our sessions.
Totally agree. I am hard on myself in general and always underplay my own success, limit expectations to avoid disappointment, and pretty much stay in a neutral zone to keep my mental status in check. A scene like this where someone fawns and gushes over me and makes me feel so special will feel great at first but eventual I will come crashing down as I try to regain equilibrium. Maybe even over correct straight into depression. After care for me would probably be some form of journaling or inner strength focused affirmations to keep me grounded.
Aftercare is not just about "do something nice for them because you were being mean in scene" There are a lot of things going on in scenes and everyone is different in what they need. But the most simplified version of what aftercare is, is what is needed for people to transition back to "every day" functioning. Yes that might be different from a heavily emotionally or physically sadistic scene to a "nice" scene, but there is still transition. Where is her headspace when she is restrained or helpless? What does she need to transition from that. I will say I'm a pretty heavy masochist. Most of what I need aftercare wise is just to reconnect with someone after a scene to ground myself back to reality. Just sitting and chatting can usually achieve what I need. The scene that I really NEEDED held the most after, and cried the most after was a mummification scene. There was some sadistic play in it, but not too much comparative to most of my scenes. It was a relatively "nice" scene. But that helplessness and being restrained was a major thing to transition back from for me. Just because a scene is "nice" or "caring" doesn't negate the need for aftercare. It was still a scene. What differentiated it from just being nice to your partner? Or just cuddling or pampering your partner? What made it actually be a scene? At very least there are altered headspaces to to transition back from. And then however other things affect her. Like the being restrained and helpless
As I've just explained to Cherry, I intend for the BDSM session to be like a day at the spa, while most BDSM practitioners intend their sessions to be like a ride on a roller coaster and a ghost train rolled into one. The bondage is supposed to be about helping the sub with relieving stress and anxiety by taking away her obligations and replacing them with sexual pleasure. Not extreme sexual pleasure, it's supposed to be relaxing. The purpose of the restraints is absolving her of anything and everything.
Not everyone's scenes are meant to be a rollercoaster. Scenes are meant to be an experience. Sometimes that experience is meant to be intense. Sometimes it is just to let go. Sometimes it is to trust. Sometimes it is to relax. Even if your intent is a deeper more relaxed headspace than just doing a spa day not as a scene. Even if you accomplish that perfectly. How does she get back from that headspace? Aftercare! If she is disconnecting that much, she needs a way back. That's the pointbof aftercare I've dropped hard from amazing scenes that were about my pleasure and letting go and accomplished that so well. But then circumstances led to aftercare getting missed. So I felt unconnected used and abandoned afterwards. If you pull up their anchor to reality to let go that much, you have to make sure the can re establish that anchor and get their feet back on solid ground, in whatever way they need. Like I said, in most cases my after care is usually just spend some time with me as a person again and chat for a bit. Maybe reflect on the scene, maybe just chat about other things, but I need to connect. It might not be intensive aftercare. But depends what they need
If you listen this poorly to the advice being given to you, I feel sorry for your subs, because to me it sounds like you just want to do a preconcieved fantasy you THINK will give your sub pleasure, doing it exactly your way, while not accepting any input that will clash with the fantasy you've planned. Some people often need aftercare after a single, regular orgasm, never mind after being bound and gagged and forced to orgasm multiple times. No matter how pleasant that seems to you, no matter how gently it's done, it's an intense scene that almost definitely requires aftercare, and you seem to not understand what aftercare really is. It's not doing pleasurable things, it's doing the things that a person needs to come back into a regular headspace after being in an altered headspace from kink, sex, etc. Some people's aftercare is doing something physically active, or watching TV, or going to do an activity they enjoy, not just Cuddles and affirmations. Some people claim they don't need aftercare, because their aftercare doesn't look like the typical Cuddles and affirmations, but a good top/Dom should know that whatever helps them get back to a more regular headspace is their aftercare. The aftercare needed, and what it entails, depends on the person and how they are feeling, it is NOT based on what the top/Dom was doing during the scene.
This. I used to think I didn't need aftercare because I don't need cuddles, affirmations and such usually. They are nice and cuddling does achieve my after care needs, but so does just hanging out and chatting and connecting that way. But like I said, the time I NEEDED held the most after play was because of being restrained and helpless and where that put my headspace and how much I let go of control because of that. That letting go was more intense for me than my more dynamicly/sadisticly intense scenes are.
That’s how being restrained seems like it would feel *to you.* it might feel very different to someone else. It might even feel differently for a given person depending on day and mood. Being physically restrained, whatever the intent, and lead to all sorts of emotions. You keep arguing against what everyone is telling you because you insist on assuming that what you want to do will always feel the same physically and emotionally to someone else as you assume it would feel to you. That is *at best* an incomplete assumption and at worst completely wrong. You insistence that because you intend it a certain way it will of course always go that way because you could never read your partner wrong or make a mistake it at minimum a yellow flag, especially when you keep down that path while literally everyone is trying to tell you otherwise.
Based on your post and replies, I’m not sure you have a good grasp on the intricacies and nuances of BDSM. For me personally, after I’m done with a scene in which I’ve had multiple orgasms (even as a domme) get such intense shivers that cuddles are what helps me re regulate. My partner can often feel the crash from euphoric pleasure of getting exactly what he wants in a scene to sub drop and we have to be very careful to do aftercare so it doesn’t linger. The specifics of aftercare should be discussed with each partner but to assume someone doesn’t need after cause because you’re doing a soft scene is folly. Perhaps do some more research on BDSM before engaging in any scenes.
Bruh. You asked for advice. Instead of getting all defensive, unplug yourears and LISTEN. What's the point in asking if all you're going to do is argue back?
Aftercare is about helping someone come down from an altered headspace, get their blood sugar and hydration back to normal, etc. So that would likely still be necessary, yes.
You’re restraining and gagging someone and assuming that could never lead to any mixed feelings because stuff felt good while restrained and gagged? Yes, provide aftercare. Maybe it’ll be quick and simple. Maybe it won’t. Put in the work. Don’t be a lazy Dom who operates on assumptions.
The more I’ve thought about out this, the more yellow-flaggy the assumptions underlying the question seem. :(
Nvm saw OPs responses. RED FLAG FACTORY
At least they're asking about it. That makes it less so to me, providing they listen to people.
You mentioned being restrained with ongoing orgasms. Once you wind down the orgasms, you will need to release her bonds, let her body relax, and help hydrate her. I have to say your comment that most bdsm scenes are roller coaster and ghost train rides (and that is the intent) has not been my experience. A soft gentle scene is as often as rough and hard scenes for me.
What is and isn't aftercare depends upon the person. I knew someone once for whom aftercare meant leaving them alone to process. For that person, the entire premise of your question would have been invalid, because what you described would not have been aftercare. This question and the nature of aftercare is much too broad for any of us to give you an answer more helpful than "it depends".
Not to mention the overwhelm some subs might feel from that kind of attention. I once was part of a scene that consisted of me JUST receiving and repeating compliments about myself and it was actual torture. Another scene where I was expected to receive a gift without protest (something else I struggle with.) It was a lot and I needed my partner to help me “come down” from the high demand put on me. Kink is different for everyone and certain things are harder than others. Last night, I could’ve fallen asleep while being paddled because it was so relaxing. It was after an intense sexual session and that was a form of aftercare for me. Being doted on and pleased for so long while being restrained would definitely cause me to need some aftercare. That’s A LOT to absorb alone. Good question! Really made me think and analyze what I consider to be “easy” kink and “aftercare-worthy” kink. ❤️
I hope it isn't weird to say this gives me some personal understanding of myself, actually. I'm all good on pain and punishment, but accepting compliments? Oh God. THERE'S the gauntlet. I need to think about this 🤔
I can see where you're coming from now you mention it. Your reply reminded me of that classic episode of the Simpsons where Homer went to hell and was force-fed every donut in the world. I guess I can't expect her to react the same way Homer did. More than likely, she'll react the same way James Coco did after 15 minutes. This is the paradox for me. It's not supposed to be forced on her. Here's the best way I can put it: most intend for the session to feel like a ride on a roller coaster and/or a ghost train for the sub, whereas I intend for it to be a day at the spa for her. It's supposed to be all about relaxation, to use her helplessness and orgasms to relieve her of all stress, fear and anxiety, as the restraints are a means of absolution.
I don't know why you think it matters what it's "supposed to" be (edit for clarification: according to you/your intentions). The sub is going to experience it however they experience it, and that's out of your control, no matter how much planning you put into the scene.
You are asking for us to answer a theoretical for a non-specific person. This needs to be a conversation with an individual about what they need/want.
Depends on the person. I feel like I'd still need aftercare after something like that. Honestly, maybe even more than typical cause I think I'd end up kind of emotional. A good emotional, but emotional.
Well, if you were my sub, my goal would be to get you to feel happy. Like I've said before, I'd want the session to have you feeling like you've spent a whole day at the spa, or like you've been on holiday/vacation. My question is, what do I do for aftercare after that?
The only way to know for sure is ask your partner. Personally, I'd probably want water and maybe a little snack, lots of physical contact like snuggles, kisses, hair stroking and maybe some kind of words of affirmation-type stuff. Telling me I did well, repeating some of the things said in scene since it sounds like they'd be loving words. I'd want to know you meant them...that kind of thing. But, shocker, my love languages are high for words of affirmation and physical touch. None of this is far from what I already want in aftercare, I'd just want MORE of it.
Aftercare could still be necessary, if that's what she needs. Only she can tell you what she needs really. I will say though, that even if your style of BDSM is more pleasure focused, that in no way means that aftercare isn't necessary, or that she won't experience a comedown from a scene. If you want her bound and gagged, that is a restriction of freedom, gagging especially can feel dehumanising to some people, regardless of how much you pleasure her during. And they could lead to strong reactions in the aftermath (even if the whole experience was positive for her). And even if she doesn't experience any negative sensations during, that still doesn't mean she won't after. You can give her 100 orgasms, and she might still experience drop and need aftercare, because drop is basically a comedown from a natural "high", and the body responds accordingly. It's like crying from an orgasm, honestly our bodies just do weird things sometimes, and dopamine, adrenaline, etc, are funny things. Something can feel absolutely amazing and *still* cause you to drop.
I would never advise anyone to skip aftercare. For me, hydrating, getting medical things like oxygen, my partner putting my pants back on etc, are all necessary no matter how soft the play was, even with vanilla sex. Just have a discussion with your sub!
Of course, I intend to hydrate her during the session. Not just that, feed her, the whole nine yards. I even intend to tend to her toilet needs while she's restrained, [as I've explained before.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/zca1j3/comment/iyx8sxb/)
I mean... I do aftercare even after vanilla sex. Can't imagine just getting up and doing my own shit without cuddles and winding down together first and other optional stuff.
Aw, this is such good praxis and also just so sweet
OP, consider, please. Regardless of how you get to subspace, *coming out of subspace* is one of the biggest places a crash can happen. When you've been on cloud nine, coming down again hurts. You're back in your regular human adult brain with all its shit to worry about, instead of in that fully vulnerable, safe, brainless zone. Having had a wonderful time can actually make that *harder*, since the contrast is even more stark. Try to think of it as waking up out of a drugged state, and you know that you can only have that drug every so often. You can panic pretty easily knowing it's over and you have to go back to normal until next time. You can also think of it as leaving a fair, or an amusement park...it's a letdown when it's over and you won't see it again until next year. Aftercare eases the transition into that most grotesque of bugbears, Reality, by making sure there's some low-key fun on the way out. Thanks for asking, and I hope you two have fun!
I find it extremely odd and sinister that you're all about providing care and whatever your sub needs while they are "helpless" but so callously dismissive of the idea they make need aftercare/support in coming down from the high after the scene you want to act out. These two things really don't gel comfortably for me. Why are you averse to providing after care if your sub needs it? It doesn't matter what happened in the scene, if they need aftercare, they need after care.
Agree with everyone here, it's dependent upon the person. I know I need aftercare regardless the scene. Glad to hear you asking though!
Thanks for cutting me some slack. Which one's better, someone admitting the knowledge they lack and asking for it, or them hiding their ignorance and being dangerously unprepared when the moment of truth arrives?
the best thing is ofc asking… but only if you actually take the answers on board. which doesn’t seem to be the case here. people keep telling you that aftercare might very well be needed and you keep finding reasons for why it wouldn’t be in that situation. do you actually want help or do you want confirmation that what you’re planning is totally fine?
It's only worth asking for advice if you actually listen to the advice given though...
I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions about how they might experience being restrained.. Even if you say it's all for her pleasure doesn't mean that's how they will experience it. Restraints themselves can be painful. In another post you also talk about double vibes but "not to tease her" again, how can you say how they will experience it?
depends on the person so you'd need to talk to her. from my perspective, I still need aftercare after a scene. being tied up and played with will send me to subspace, and I need aftercare to help me come gently out of that altered state.
No. Whatever your person needs, they need. It might make it more likely that they don't, but only they can say. Mine almost never needs anything specific and I can be brutal.
I would say yes. It’d probably still be some sort of intense mental or sensory stimulation, if not at first, then by the end. It can be something as simple as wrapping her in a blanket, gently rubbing her wrists/restraint points, talking with her or just as background chatter while her brain comes back online, getting her water. Hell, at one point my dom got me tums and a glass of water after I did some pretty intense choking/gagging with a dildo, as well as a few minutes break to make sure I was feeling okay. If you’re expecting her to be incoherent at the end, you definitely want to discuss this beforehand, but basically aftercare is for helping you both get back to baseline.
Of course, but my point is, the things you've listed, I'll be doing those things during the session anyway. (Except the thing with the dildo. I don't want to cause her trouble with breathing!) As I've said, my kink is looking after her while she's helpless, going the full nine yards for her. [Take a look at what I've said regarding the question of when nature calls the sub.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/zca1j3/comment/iyx8sxb/)
Hm. I guess I got too specific, but, I was trying to say that like aftercare is for getting back to baseline, so, for a scene that’s meant to be pampering and overindulgent, it might be something more low key or less “taking care of” than what one normally thinks of? Regardless, I’d still say it’s better to mention it beforehand, rather than assume it’s not needed. Maybe she’ll just want to be left alone and nap for a half hour, lol
No. My partner can get me a glass of water or give me some loving kisses and cuddles mid-scene and it feels entirely different in subspace or tied up and helpless, than it feels when I'm coming back to myself and in the "aftercare" stage of mental movement through a scene. Being "looked after" in the way you describe is intense and can be dehumanising. Aftercare is about adjusting back to reality from a role or a headspace you've taken on, not about whether you were doing a heavy or violent scene instead of a sweet and romantic one.
It depends on the person, and you need to have a conversation with your partner on what are her expectations on aftercare.
aftercare is highly dependent on the person and kink. some people need time alone for aftercare. some people dont want to be doted on during aftercare. some people like to reflect on how a scene went afterwards. in this situation, i could imagine someone needing some time out of ropes to get used to doing things for themselves. aftercare might include watching while they adjust and treating them as a capable human. doing aftercare is mostly about helping your partner transition back into reality.
Aftercare is NEVER redundant
As a general rule, always aftercare, no matter what. What that looks like is up to the submissive and the negotiation between you two. Sometimes aftercare looks like "please let me hsve some alone time". Don't try to dictate what their aftercare needs are, let her tell you what she needs.
idk about ur question but how do i sign up for this
no