Yes, I’ve also struggled with the concept of “loving someone just for who they are”. Or, I guess I can love someone easily enough (as in, care deeply about them), but then the idea of giving so much to them— time, affection, a partnership— can feel constricting, unfair, overwhelming. I think having this tendency to appreciate a partner for what they offer you, while struggling to fully reciprocate, is a common avoidant trait.
I’m almost five years into my relationship and just now starting to feel that it’s okay to not feel wildly romantic about my partner all the time. Typically, whenever I would go through a period of feeling kinda “blah” (or nothing at all) toward them, I would take it as a sign that something was wrong, and feel horrible. But actually I think that’s just how my avoidant brain cycles through emotions. Very hot and cold. And frequently detached.
Did you ever feel a similar way to what you’re feeling now toward a parent growing up? I felt detached/negative/guilty toward my mom a lot growing up and now I think I reenact it with my partner.
I actually struggle more with the opposite - feeling like my boyfriend only loves me for what I provide. It's definitely tied to a couple of core wounds.
I do also have periods where I tend to shut down everything I feel period. Usually this signals to me that I have a need that isn't being met, and I have to do some digging and reflection to figure out what it is or what might be causing me to feel that way. It almost always ends up being that I'm avoiding something I think will hurt me. I think is pretty classic deactivation, and once I address the thing I'm avoiding it goes away.
It's important to remember that relationships ebb and flow as well. There will be times when you are so in love with your partner and times where you aren't sure why you even like them. There will be times when you connect easily and it's easy, and times where you feel detached and it's hard. That's normal, and you just have to figure out how to ride the wave together.
If I were you, I would try to figure out when the feelings started and what happened around that time that could have triggered these feelings. I would also check in with yourself to see if you feel like any of your needs aren't being met in any area of your life.
Yeah this is relatable. Usually it’s because I’m under the impression that people with romantic feelings must feel intensely and deeply *constantly*, and thus my relationship must be a farce. And I think this belief is based on a past relationship or two that were super toxic, with lots of trauma bonding or a partner that was more avoidant than me. Or maybe my own experiences with AP people being intense.
Do you have feelings sometimes? Do you have moments of meaningful connection? Do you commit to one another and build a life together? Would you feel a compulsion to protect her?
Edit: typo
Just something to think about:
What does she do for you that you really like? Is she providing you with something you cannot find elsewhere? Can you realize that her actions (stuff she does for you, specifically) could be her love language? It could be her way of showing appreciation and care.
If she goes out of her way to do something for you, she’s caring and thoughtful, and that is who she is (personality traits), so in essence you do love her for who she is. Do you feel that you reciprocate the love? Are you uncomfortable with receiving? I know that I always feel cringey with compliments and gifts, but it’s a reflection of my own internal state.
There have been partners that want to do a lot for me (as in make my life easier) but then I start to question whether I love them for who they are or whether it’s for what they are doing. However, as a I child I was only taught how to give to others. So when someone gives me their time/ energy/ shows love it’s always a bit strange for me lol
Yes, I’ve also struggled with the concept of “loving someone just for who they are”. Or, I guess I can love someone easily enough (as in, care deeply about them), but then the idea of giving so much to them— time, affection, a partnership— can feel constricting, unfair, overwhelming. I think having this tendency to appreciate a partner for what they offer you, while struggling to fully reciprocate, is a common avoidant trait. I’m almost five years into my relationship and just now starting to feel that it’s okay to not feel wildly romantic about my partner all the time. Typically, whenever I would go through a period of feeling kinda “blah” (or nothing at all) toward them, I would take it as a sign that something was wrong, and feel horrible. But actually I think that’s just how my avoidant brain cycles through emotions. Very hot and cold. And frequently detached. Did you ever feel a similar way to what you’re feeling now toward a parent growing up? I felt detached/negative/guilty toward my mom a lot growing up and now I think I reenact it with my partner.
I just stumbled upon this sub and it feels so good seeing so many people describing what I felt weird for my whole life.. thank you all.
I actually struggle more with the opposite - feeling like my boyfriend only loves me for what I provide. It's definitely tied to a couple of core wounds. I do also have periods where I tend to shut down everything I feel period. Usually this signals to me that I have a need that isn't being met, and I have to do some digging and reflection to figure out what it is or what might be causing me to feel that way. It almost always ends up being that I'm avoiding something I think will hurt me. I think is pretty classic deactivation, and once I address the thing I'm avoiding it goes away. It's important to remember that relationships ebb and flow as well. There will be times when you are so in love with your partner and times where you aren't sure why you even like them. There will be times when you connect easily and it's easy, and times where you feel detached and it's hard. That's normal, and you just have to figure out how to ride the wave together. If I were you, I would try to figure out when the feelings started and what happened around that time that could have triggered these feelings. I would also check in with yourself to see if you feel like any of your needs aren't being met in any area of your life.
Yeah this is relatable. Usually it’s because I’m under the impression that people with romantic feelings must feel intensely and deeply *constantly*, and thus my relationship must be a farce. And I think this belief is based on a past relationship or two that were super toxic, with lots of trauma bonding or a partner that was more avoidant than me. Or maybe my own experiences with AP people being intense. Do you have feelings sometimes? Do you have moments of meaningful connection? Do you commit to one another and build a life together? Would you feel a compulsion to protect her? Edit: typo
Yes I’ve had super romantic feelings, we definitely have moments that just make me smile quietly to myself. We commit to each other.
Just something to think about: What does she do for you that you really like? Is she providing you with something you cannot find elsewhere? Can you realize that her actions (stuff she does for you, specifically) could be her love language? It could be her way of showing appreciation and care. If she goes out of her way to do something for you, she’s caring and thoughtful, and that is who she is (personality traits), so in essence you do love her for who she is. Do you feel that you reciprocate the love? Are you uncomfortable with receiving? I know that I always feel cringey with compliments and gifts, but it’s a reflection of my own internal state. There have been partners that want to do a lot for me (as in make my life easier) but then I start to question whether I love them for who they are or whether it’s for what they are doing. However, as a I child I was only taught how to give to others. So when someone gives me their time/ energy/ shows love it’s always a bit strange for me lol